April 29, 2024 - Forced Landing
A flight instructor was sent out to help a student who had radioed that he was about to make a forced landing a few miles from the base. The instructor spotted the plane standing in a field small enough to present a real challenge to his professional reputation.
With determination, full flaps and engine just above the stall, he landed in the field. Climbing out, he shouted angrily to the student, "Just how did you manage to get into such a small field?"
"I landed in the big field over there," the student explained, "but in order to leave room for you to land, I had the farmer tow me here."
April 30, 2024 Horseshoe Impression
Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
One day a cowboy walked into a blacksmith shop and picked up a horseshoe, not realizing that it had just come from the forge. He immediately dropped it and jammed his hand into his pocket, trying to act as if nothing had happened. The
blacksmith noticed and asked with a grin, "Kind of hot, wasn't it?"
"Nope," answered the cowboy through clenched teeth, "it just doesn't take me long to look at a horseshoe."
April 26, 2024 - Phonetic Hymn Title
Many hymnals have a hymn called "Gladly the Cross I'd Bear."
It seems that one week when the church secretary was typing the Sunday bulletin, she asked the pastor which hymn would come just before the sermon. He replied with the above-mentioned hymn.
The following Sunday the bulletin read:
Hymn No. 134: "Gladly, the Cross-eyed Bear."
April 25, 2024 - Mary Poppins Room Service
Mary Poppins was traveling home, but due to worsening weather, she decided to stop at a hotel. She approached the receptionist and asked for a room for the night.
"Certainly, madam," he replied courteously.
"Is the restaurant open still?" inquired Mary.
"Sorry, no," came the reply, "but room service is available all night. Would you care to select something from this menu?"
Mary smiled and took the menu and perused it. "Hmm, I would like cauliflower cheese, please," said Mary.
"Certainly, madam," he replied.
"And may I have breakfast in bed?" asked Mary politely. The receptionist nodded and smiled. "In that case, I would love a couple of poached eggs, please," Mary mused.
After confirming the order, Mary signed in and went up to her room. The night passed uneventfully. The next morning, Mary came down early to check out. The same guy was still at the desk.
"Morning, madam. Sleep well?"
"Yes, thank you," Mary replied.
"Food to your liking?"
"Well, I have to say the cauliflower cheese was exceptional
-- I don't think I have had better. Shame about the eggs, though; they really weren't that nice at all," replied Mary truthfully.
"Oh. Well, perhaps you could contribute these thoughts to our guest comments book. We are always looking to improve our service and would value your opinion," said the receptionist.
"Ok, I will. Thanks!" replied Mary. She then checked out, paused awhile, and scribbled a comment into the book.
Waving, she left to continue her journey.
Curious, the receptionist picked up the book to see the comment Mary had written. Here it is:
"Supercauliflowercheesebuteggswerequiteatrocious!''
April 24, 2024 - Warning Signs
One October, my wife and I spent a vacation on Washington's Olympic Peninsula. We were eager to visit the rain forests near the coast, but we heard that snow slides had made some of the roads impassable. Although apprehensive about the conditions we might run into, we drove on.
Sure enough, we had gone only a short way up the High Rain Forest road when we saw a sign: "Ice 10 miles."
Five miles farther on, there was another sign: "Ice 5 miles."
The next one was, "Ice 1/2 mile."
We practically crept that half-mile.
When we came to the last sign it was outside a small grocery, and it read, "Ice 75 cents."
April 23, 2024 - Freedom Peppers
A man walks up to a cashier in a grocery store. He says, "Hey, how much for these jalapeño peppers?" He pronounces it "jo-la-pen-o," not "ho-lo-peen-yo."
The cashier says, "Sir, that's not what those peppers are called."
The man replies, "Listen, buddy, this is America, and I can pronounce any word the way I please."
The cashier responds, "That is as may be, sir, but those are green peppers."
April 22, 2024 - Animal Instincts
In the middle of one of Henry Ward Beecher's most potent political speeches, a member of the crowd gave a perfect imitation of a cock crowing. While the audience roared with laughter, the speaker gave no sign of annoyance, but he removed his watch and studied it while the noise died down.
"That's odd," Beecher said at last. "My watch says it's ten o'clock, but there can't be any mistake. It must be morning, for the instincts of the lower animals are absolutely infallible."
April 19, 2024 - Homework Excuses
Excuses to give your teacher when you don't do your homework.
- I didn't do my history homework because I don't believe in dwelling on the past.
- I didn't want the other kids in the class to look bad.
- A sudden gust of wind blew my homework out of my hand and I never saw it again.
- Another pupil fell in a lake and I jumped in to rescue him. Unfortunately, my homework drowned.
- Our furnace broke and we had to burn my homework to keep ourselves from freezing.
- I'm not at liberty to say why.
- I wanted to frame the detention letter you're about to give me.
- It was destroyed in a freak accident involving a hippo, a toaster, and a bag of frozen peas. You don't want to know the details.
- I have a solar-powered calculator, and it was cloudy.
- I made a paper plane out of it and it got hijacked.
- My mom used it as a dryer sheet.
- My agent won't allow me to publish my homework until the movie deal is finalized.
- It's against my religion to do any homework.
- I was abducted by green-skinned, three-eyed, pig-snouted space aliens, and they incinerated my homework with their death rays.
- I felt it wasn't challenging enough.
- My parents were sick and unable to do my homework last night. Don't worry, they have been suitably punished.
- We had homework?!
- I see your lips moving, but all I am hearing is "blah, blah, blah."
- I didn't want to add to your already heavy workload.
- I spent the night at a rally supporting higher pay for our hard-working teachers.
April 18, 2024 - New Year's Football vs. Dinner
As in many homes on New Year's Day, my wife and I faced the annual conflict of which was more important - the football games on television, or the dinner itself. To keep peace, I ate dinner with the rest of the family, and even lingered for some pleasant after-dinner conversation before retiring to the family room to turn on the game.
Several minutes later, my wife came downstairs and graciously even brought a cold drink for me. She smiled, kissed me on the cheek and asked what the score was. I told her it was the end of the third quarter and that the score was still nothing to nothing.
"See?" she said, continuing to smile, "You didn't miss a thing."
April 17, 2024 - Job Impressions
Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
I had always talked about my job a lot at home, and my young daughter had always expressed great interest. So I thought it would be a treat for her to spend the day with me at the office. Since I wanted it to be a surprise, I didn't tell her where we were going, just that it would be fun. Although usually a bit shy, she seemed excited to meet each colleague I introduced. On the way home, however, she seemed somewhat down.
"Didn't you have a nice time?" I asked.
"Well, it was okay." she responded. "But I thought it would be more like a circus."
Confused, I asked, "Whatever do you mean?"
She said, "Well, you said you work with a bunch of clowns, and I never got to see them!"
April 16, 2024 - Actual Medical Records
The following are actual medical records taken from patients' charts around North America:
- The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut and handed to the pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately.
- Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.
- She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until 1989 when she got a divorce.
- The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.
- I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
- The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week.
- She is numb from her toes down.
- While in the emergency room, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
- The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
- The patient was to have a bowel resection. However he took a job as a stockbroker instead.
- Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
- Patient was alert and unresponsive.
- When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.
April 15, 2024 - Cold Cream Questions
A little boy watched, fascinated, as his mother gently rubbed cold cream on her face.
"Why are you rubbing cold cream on your face, mommy?" he asked.
"To make myself beautiful," said his mother.
A few minutes later, she began removing the cream with a tissue.
"What's the matter?" he asked. "Are you giving up?"
April 12, 2024 - The End is Near
A local priest and pastor stood by the side of the road holding up a sign that said, "The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!" They held up the sign to each passing car.
"Leave us alone, you religious nuts!" yelled the first driver as he sped by. From around the curve they heard a big splash.
"Do you think," said one clergy to the other, "we should just put up a sign that says 'bridge out' instead?"
April 11, 2024 - Real Skill
There was a rich man who was deliberately hard on his farmhand. He gave him a bottle and said, "Buy me a bottle of wine."
The farmhand asked, "How can I buy you wine with no money at all?"
The rich man said, "Anyone can buy wine with money. It takes real skill to buy wine without money."
After a while the farmhand returned with the empty bottle. He handed the bottle to the rich man and said, "Enjoy the wine, please."
Staring at the empty bottle, the rich man asked, "There is no wine, how can I enjoy this?"
The farmhand said, "Anyone can enjoy wine if there is some. It takes real skill to enjoy wine when there is none."
April 10, 2024 - Ring Appraisal
An acquaintance of mine whose daughter was about to be married decided to give her a diamond ring that had been in the family for several generations. The stone had never been appraised, so the father asked a gemologist friend if she would take a look at it. She agreed, but said that instead of a fee she'd accept lunch at one of Houston's finer restaurants.
A few days later, as he and the gem expert sat sipping a glass of Chablis, he showed her the ring. She took out her jeweler's magnifier, examined the diamond carefully and handed it back.
"Wow," said a tourist who had been watching from the next table.
"These Texas women are tough!"
April 9, 2024 - Preparing for Parenthood
Brian and Cathleen took their newborn, Emily, to meet her cousins, Erin and Savannah, in Oklahoma. The cousins were delighted with her and watched everything the adults did with Emily including changing her diapers. The girls were sitting right beside Brian the first time he changed one of Emily's messy diapers.
When he opened her diaper he said, "Ew! She pooped!"
Erin looked at him and asked, "Didn't they tell you she would do that?"
April 8, 2024 - Speech Flirt
During a conference, I was pleasantly surprised to be seated next to a very handsome man. We flirted casually through dinner, then grew restless as the dignitaries gave speeches.
During one particularly long-winded lecture, my new friend drew a # sign on a cocktail napkin. Excited, I wrote down my phone number.
Looking startled for a moment, he flipped the napkin over and drew another # sign, this time adding an X to the upper-left-hand corner.
April 5, 2024 - Exemplary Offspring
Three mothers were sitting around comparing notes on their exemplary offspring.
"There never was a daughter more devoted than my Alice," said Mrs. Davis with a sniff. "Every summer she takes me to the Catskills for a week, and every winter we spend a week at Delray Beach."
"That's nothing compared to what my Anna does for me," declared Mrs. Jones proudly. "Every winter she treats me to two weeks in Miami, and in the summer two weeks in the Hamptons, in my own private guest house."
Mrs. Smith sat back with a proud smile. "Nobody loves her mother like my Jackie does. Nobody."
"So what does she do?" asked the two women, turning to her.
"Three times a week she gets into a cab, goes to the best psychiatrist in the city, and pays him a hundred and fifty dollars an hour just to talk about me!"
April 4, 2024 - Farmer Loses 2025 Pigs
Howard County police officers still write their reports by hand. The data is entered later into their database by a clerk.
One theft report stated that a farmer had lost 2,025 pigs. Thinking that to be an error, the clerk called the farmer directly.
"Is it true, Mr. Cates, that you lost 2,025 pigs?" she asked.
"Yeth," lisped the farmer. Being a farming girl herself, the clerk entered:
"Subject lost two sows and twenty-five pigs."
April 3, 2024 - The Little Voice
A guy gets home from work one night and hears a little voice. The little voice tells him, "Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go to Vegas." The man is disturbed at what he hears and ignores the little voice.
The next day, when he gets home from work, the same thing happens. The little voice tells him, "Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go to Vegas." Again, the man ignores the little voice, though he is very troubled by the event.
Every day, day after day, the man hears the same little voice when he gets home from work, "Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go to Vegas." Each time the man hears the little voice he becomes increasingly upset. Finally, after two weeks, he succumbs to the pressure. He does quit his job, sells his house, takes his money and heads to Vegas.
The moment the man gets off the plane in Vegas, the little voice tells him, "Go to Harrah's." So, he hops in a cab and rushes over to Harrah's.
As soon as he sets foot in the casino, the little voice tells him, "Go to the roulette table." The man does as he is told. When he gets to the roulette table, the little voice tells him, "Put all your money on 17."
Nervously, the man exchanges all his money for chips and then puts them all on 17.
The dealer wishes the man good luck and spins the roulette wheel. Around and around the ball caroms. The man anxiously watches the ball as it slowly loses speed until finally it settles into number... 21.
The little voice says, "Oops..."
April 2, 2024 - What's Good Tonight
Our family owned restaurant is the setting for many of our discussions about how to handle the customer who asks, "What's good tonight?"
Obviously, we would never serve anything we didn't think was good. I braced myself one Saturday night when I heard the dreaded question posed to my husband.
He calmly replied, "Anything over $13.95."
April 1, 2024 - Stubborn Problem
I had been doing Tech Support for Hewlett-Packard's DeskJet division for about a month when I had a customer call with a problem I just couldn't solve. She could not print yellow. All the other colors would print fine, which truly baffled me
because the only true colors are cyan, magenta, and yellow.
For instance, green is a combination of cyan and yellow, but green printed fine. Every color of the rainbow printed fine except for yellow. I had the customer change ink cartridges. I had the customer delete and reinstall the drivers. Nothing worked. I asked my coworkers for help; they offered no new ideas.
After over two hours of troubleshooting, I was about to tell the customer to send the printer in to us for repair when she asked quietly, "Should I try printing on a piece of white paper instead of this yellow paper?"
April 2024
March 2024
March 29, 2024 - It Pays to Read Labels
I finally figured out why I am so "full-figured"!
As I was conditioning my hair in the shower this morning, I took time to read my shampoo bottle. I am in shock! The shampoo I use in the shower that runs down my entire body says "for extra volume and body"! Seriously, why have I not noticed this before?
Tomorrow I am going to start using "Dawn" dish soap! It says right on the bottle, "dissolves fat that is otherwise difficult to remove".
It pays to read the warning labels my friends.
March 28, 2024 - Kids on the Bible
The statements below are said to have been written by actual students, that they are genuine and NOT retouched or corrected:
- Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark.
- The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount cyanide to get the ten amendments.
- The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
- The fifth commandment is to humor thy father and mother.
- The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
- The epistles were wives of the apostles.
- The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.
- Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
- Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.
- One of the opposums was St Matthew who was also a taximan.
March 27, 2024 - One Carton and Six Eggs
This is a story which is perfectly logical to all males:
A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6."
A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.
The wife asks him, "Why on earth did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"
He replied, "They had eggs."
March 26, 2024 - Vice Principal Review
At a dinner party in the home of friends, our host mentioned his high-school alma mater. One of the guests asked him if he had been a student there at the same time as a particular vice principal.
"I sure was!" answered the host. "He was the biggest jerk I've ever met. Did you know him too?"
"Well, not then," replied the guest. "But my mother married him last Saturday."
March 25, 2024 - Morning Sickness
Sarah dropped in on her sister Molly and found her sitting at the kitchen table, staring blankly at a half-empty cup of coffee, her three kids squabbling loudly in the other room.
"What's wrong Molly?" she asked.
Molly told her that she had morning sickness.
Surprised, Sarah said, "Hurray! I didn't even know you were pregnant!"
"I'm not," the harried middle-aged mother replied.
March 22, 2024 - Science Quotes from Kids - Part 2
~ H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water.
~ To collect fumes of sulfur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube. When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.
~ Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.
~ Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars.
~ Blood flows down one leg and up the other.
~ Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration.
~ The moon is a planet, just like the earth, only it is even deader.
~ Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.
~ Mushrooms always grow in damp places so they look like umbrellas.
~ The pistol of a flower is its only protections against insects.
~ The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to.
~ A permanent set of teeth consist of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars, and eight cuspidors.
~ The tides are a fight between the earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
~ A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is.
~ Germinate: To become a naturalized German.
~ Liter: A nest of young puppies.
~ Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat.
~ Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away.
~ Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky.
~ Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot.
~ Vacuum: A large, empty space where the Pope lives.
~ Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative.
~ To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.
~ For a nosebleed, put the nose much lower than the body until the heart stops.
~ For dog bite put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it.
~ For head cold use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat.
~ To keep milk from turning sour, keep it in the cow.
March 21, 2024 - Science Quotes from Kids - Part 1
~ One horsepower is the amount of energy it takes to drag a horse 500 feet in one second.
~ You can listen to thunder after lightening and tell how close you came to getting hit. If you don't hear it, you got hit, so never mind.
~ When they broke open molecules, they found they were only stuffed with atoms. But when they broke open atoms, they found them stuffed with explosions.
~ When people run around and around in circles, we say they are crazy. When planets do it, we say they are orbiting.
~ While the earth seems to be knowingly keeping its distance from the sun, it is really only centrificating.
~ Most books now say our sun is a star. But it still knows how to change into a sun in the daytime.
~ A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to go.
~ Many dead animals of the past changed to fossils, others preferred to become oil.
~ Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know they are there.
~ Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun. But I have never been able to make out the numbers.
~ We say the cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on.
~ I am not sure how clouds get formed. But the clouds know how to do it, and that is the important thing.
~ In making rain water, it takes everything from H to O.
~ Rain is saved up in cloud banks.
~ Cyanide is so poisonous that one drop of it on a dog's tongue will kill the strongest man.
~ Thunder is a rich source of loudness.
~ Isotherms and isobars are even more important than their names sound.
~ It is so hot in some parts of the world that the people there have to live in other places.
March 20, 2024 - A Good Job Done
The farmer's son was returning from the market with a crate of chickens his father had entrusted to him, when all of a sudden the box fell and broke open. Chickens scurried off in different directions, but the determined boy walked all over the neighborhood scooping up the wayward birds and returning them to the repaired crate. Hoping he had found them all, the boy reluctantly returned home, expecting the worst.
"Pa, the chickens got loose," the boy confessed sadly, "but I managed to find all twelve of them."
"Well, you done a good job, son," the farmer beamed, "because you only left with seven."
March 19, 2024 - Shoe Follow
Two elderly women were trying on shoes in our store. When I slipped a shoe onto one woman's foot, the end of my tie got caught beneath her heel.
Unaware of my predicament, she stood up and started toward the mirror. For a few seconds, I found myself crawling along the floor beside her, trying to get her attention.
"Look, Martha," her friend said. "he wants to go home with you!"
March 18, 2024 - Project Picture
My 12 year old daughter asked me, "Mom, do you have a baby picture of yourself? I need it for a school project." I gave her one without thinking to ask what the project was.
A few days later I was in her classroom for a parent-teacher meeting when I noticed my face pinned to a mural the students had created.
The title of their project was: "The oldest thing in my house."
March 15, 2024 - Breakable Mail
There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country.
"Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk.
"Only the Ten Commandments." answered the lady.
March 14, 2024 - Good Morning
"Somebody has said there are only two kinds of people in the world. There are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning, Lord," and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's morning."
March 13, 2024 - Meter Reader
A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter.
Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses."
When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation."
March 12, 2024 - Building Program
There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets."
March 11, 2024 - Energy Efficient
While driving in Pennsylvania , a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign... "Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust."
March 8, 2024 - Little Benjamin
Little Benjamin came running into the kitchen where is mother was working.
"Mom, can I please change my name right now?" he asked.
"But why would you want to do that?" replied his mom.
"Because Dad said he's going to spank me as sure as my name's Benjamin!"
March 7, 2024 - Keeping a Confidence
A friend of mine was in the hospital awaiting the arrival of her first child. When I telephoned the hospital to see if the baby had arrived, the nurse said it had.
I asked if it was a boy or girl and was told that it was against hospital policy to give this information over the phone.
"Fine," I said. "I can understand that. But can you tell me what she didn't have?"
"It wasn't a boy," came the reply.
March 6, 2024 - Kids and Cliches
I teach fourth grade in Ventura County, California. As a fun assignment, I gave the students the beginning of a list of famous sayings and asked them to provide original endings for each one. Here are some examples of what my students submitted.
- The grass is always greener when you leave the sprinkler on.
- A rolling stone plays the guitar.
- The grass is always greener when you remember to water it.
- A bird in the hand is a real mess.
- No news is no newspaper.
- It's better to light one candle than to waste electricity.
- It's always darkest just before I open my eyes.
- You have nothing to fear but homework.
- If you can't stand the heat, don't start the fireplace.
- If you can't stand the heat, go swimming.
- Never put off 'til tomorrow what you should have done yesterday.
- A penny saved is nothing in the real world.
- The squeaking wheel gets annoying.
- We have nothing to fear but our principal.
- To err is human. To eat a muskrat is not.
- I think, therefore I get a headache.
- Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry, and someone yells, "Shut up!"
- Better to light a candle than to light an explosive.
- It's always darkest before 9:30 p.m.
- Early to bed and early to rise is first in the bathroom.
- A journey of a thousand miles begins with a blister.
- There is nothing new under the bed.
- The grass is always greener when you put manure on it.
- Don't count your chickens -- it takes too long.
March 5, 2024 - I Wish I Was a Bear
If you're a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months. I could get used to that.
And another thing; before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid. That wouldn't bother me either.
If you're a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business; you swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them, too.
Also, your husband expects you to growl when you wake up. He expects you to have hairy legs and excess body fat. He likes it.
I wish I were a bear.
March 4, 2024 - Signs of the Times
In a Vet's Office:
"All unattended children given free kitten"
Lot outside Vet's office in Silverton, OR:
"Parking for customers only; others will be neutered."
In a Veterinarians waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
Billboard on the side of the road:
"Keep your eyes on the road and stop reading these signs."
In a Nonsmoking Area:
"If we see smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
On Maternity Room Door:
"Push, Push, Push."
On a fence:
"Salesmen welcome - dog food is expensive."
Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary, we'll hear you coming."
In the front yard of a funeral home:
"Drive carefully, we'll wait."
March 1, 2024 - New Friend Sincerity
Last summer my wife and I met a couple at a restaurant. After lunch, the women decided to go shopping, and I invited the man to go sailing. While we were out on the water, a storm blew up. The tide had gone out, and we were down wind trying to work our way back through a narrow channel. At one point the boat grounded and we had to climb overboard and shove with all our might to get it back in deeper water.
As my new friend stood there, ankle deep in muck, the wind blowing his hair wildly, rain streaming down his face, he grinned at me, and with unmistakable sincerity said, "Sure beats shopping."
February 2024
February 28, 2024 - King Arthur's Unknown Knights
It is a little-known fact that King Arthur had more knights than is usually believed. They included:
~ Sir Face - the devastatingly handsome, but disappointingly shallow knight
~ Sir Pass - Arthur's best knight of all
~ Sir Port - A great help to all the other knights
~ Sir Culation - A knight who got around a bit - popular at parties
~ Sir Prise - the knight who could always be relied on to do the unexpected
~ Sir Vey - a watchful knight
~ Sir Monise - a rather long-winded and droning knight, but a good, moral sort
~ Sir Cuitous - a knight who approached his duties in a roundabout way
~ Sir Pose - a knight who stands by wild predictions
~ Sir Cumflex - a knight with a strange accent
~ Sir Cumvent - the evasive knight
~ Sir Reen - a calm and cheerful knight
~ Sir Spicious - a paranoid knight
~ Sir Real - a vague and insubstantial knight
~ Sir Cumstances - a knight whose fault it never was
Then there were the non identical twins - Winter Solstice and Summer Solstice - the longest and shortest knights.
February 27, 2024 - Dextrocardia Question
I went to a medical clinic for an electrocardiogram. While the technician was lining up her machine, I told her I have dextrocardia.
"What's that?" she asked.
"It means my heart is on the right side of my chest rather than on the left," I answered. "You should set up your machine to accommodate that."
As she attached the wires, she asked casually, "Tell me, have you had that for long?"
February 26, 2024 - Excavating Burial Ground
Two women archeologists are down in Mexico excavating an ancient Mayan burial ground looking for some remains to take back to their museum. Unfortunately, everything they run across is badly decomposed.
One of the women says, "We don't seem to be having much luck here, are we?"
The other replies, "Just keep on digging, honey, a good Mayan is hard to find!"
February 25, 2024 - Choose Today
The priest was preparing a man for his long day's journey into night. Whispering firmly, the priest said, "Denounce the devil! Let him know how little you think of his evil!"
The dying man said nothing. The priest repeated his order. Still the dying man said nothing. The priest asked, "Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil?"
The dying man said, "Until I know where I'm heading, I don't think I ought to aggravate anybody."
February 22, 2024 - Side Effects of a Life in Comedy
* Recurring nightmare: as your "Harpo Meets Teller" routine is bombing, you realize you're doing a radio show.
* Your social status is one small notch above mimes and rodeo clowns.
* People are always asking, "Ooh, do you know Adam Sandler?"
* Wisenheimer's Syndrome.
* You laugh on the outside, but inside you harbor a bitter resentment toward people who have enough money for food.
* Instead of crow's feet, you get punchlines.
* You have to start the day with a couple of quick knock-knock jokes to get rid of "the shakes."
* The grandkids keep breaking your dentures trying to wind them up.
* Mom was right: your face *does* freeze that way, after a couple of decades.
* Everything tastes funny.
You can rate this joke at:
February 21, 2024 - Getting Paid
When repairmen say they'll "Come sometime next week," I usually say, "Fine, I'll pay you sometime next year."
February 20, 2024 - College Applicant
Parents can be very upset when their children don't get into the college of their choice.
As an admissions counselor for a state university, I took a call from an irate mother who was demanding to know why her daughter had been turned down. Avoiding any mention of the transcript full of D's, I explained that her daughter just wasn't as "competitive" as the admitted class.
"Why doesn't she try anther school for a year and then transfer?" I suggested.
"Another school!" exclaimed the Mother. "Have you seen her grades?"
February 19, 2024 - Garden Theft
"Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking."
February 18, 2024 - The Letter
Ruth went to her mail box and there was only one letter. She picked it up and looked at it before opening, but then she looked at the envelope again. There was no stamp, no postmark, only her name and address. She read the letter:
Dear Ruth:
I'm going to be in your neighborhood Saturday afternoon and I would like to visit.
Love Always, Jesus
Her hands were shaking as she placed the letter on the table.
"Why would the Lord want to visit me? I'm nobody special. I don't have anything to offer."
With that thought, Ruth remembered her empty kitchen cabinets.
"Oh my goodness, I really don't have anything to offer. I'll have to run down to the store and buy something for dinner." She reached for her purse and counted out it's contents.
Five dollars and forty cents. "Well, I can get some bread and cold cuts, at least."
She threw on her coat and hurried out the door.
She bought a loaf of French bread, a half-pound of sliced turkey, and a carton of milk - leaving Ruth with a grand total of twelve cents to last her until Monday.
Nonetheless, she felt good as she headed home, her meager offerings tucked under her arm.
"Hey lady. Can you help us, lady?"
Ruth had been so absorbed in her dinner plans, she hadn't even noticed two figures huddled in the alleyway. A man and a woman, both of them dressed in little more than rags.
"Look lady, I ain't got a job, ya know, and my wife and I have been living out here on the street, and, well, now it's getting cold and we're getting kinda hungry and, well, if you could help us, lady, we'd really appreciate it."
Ruth looked at them both. They were dirty, they smelled bad and frankly, she was certain that they could get some kind of work if they really wanted to.
"Sir, I'd like to help you, but I'm a poor woman myself. All I have is a few cold cuts and some bread, and I'm having an important guest for dinner tonight and I was planning on serving that to Him."
"Yeah, well, okay lady, I understand. Thanks anyway."
The man put his arm around the woman's shoulders, turned and he headed back into the alley.
As she watched them leave, Ruth felt a familiar twinge in her heart.
"Sir, wait!"
The couple stopped and turned as she ran down the alley after them. "Look, why don't you take this food. I'll figure out something else to serve my guest."
She handed the man her grocery bag.
"Thank you lady. Thank you very much!"
"Yes, thank you!" It was the man's wife, and Ruth could see now that she was shivering.
"You know, I've got another coat at home. Here, why don't you take this one." Ruth unbuttoned her jacket and slipped it over the woman's shoulders.
Then smiling, she turned and walked back to the street... without her coat and with nothing to serve her guest.
"Thank you lady! Thank you very much!"
Ruth was chilled by the time she reached her front door, and worried too. The Lord was coming to visit and she didn't have anything to offer Him.
She fumbled through her purse for the door key. But as she did, she noticed another envelope in her mailbox.
"That's odd. The mailman doesn't usually come twice in one day."
She took the envelope out of the box and opened it.
Dear Ruth:
It was so good to see you again. Thank you for the lovely meal. And thank you, too, for the beautiful coat.
Love Always, Jesus
February 15, 2024 - SIDNK
During the Air Force Academy's basic cadet training, the new cadets, known as doolies, go through a ten-day encampment outdoors. Prior to being served in the chow tent, they are required to do pullups and then get in line to answer questions about the academy. If they answer correctly, they are allowed to proceed inside. If not, they are sent to the back of the line.
One doolie had been sent back a number of times because he didn't reel off the answers. When the poor cadet came up again, a sympathetic upperclassman asked him, "What does the abbreviation S. I. D. N. K. stand for?"
The doolie bowed his head and replied, "Sir, I do not know."
"Right!" the upperclassman said. "Go on in there and get some chow!"
February 14, 2024 - Overdue at the Movies
Tired from waiting for their overdue baby, my daughter and her husband broke the monotony one night with a trip to the movies. My daughter went inside to get seats while my son-in-law bought popcorn and drinks in the lobby.
Paying for the refreshments, my son-in-law knocked over his soda. The clerk mopped up the mess and refilled his cup. Rattled, he then joined his wife. Talking over the background music, he dramatically described his embarrassing episode. One of his expressive gestures upset the bucket of popcorn. He sheepishly headed back to the lobby.
When he was out of earshot, the woman sitting next to my daughter turned and said, "You're not going to let him hold the baby, are you?"
February 13, 2024 - Rose
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What's the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know, the one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'
February 12, 2024 - Memory
Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a check-up, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure.'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.
'Where's my toast?'
February 11, 2012 - Resurrection
A Baptist pastor was presenting a children's sermon. During the sermon, he asked the children if they knew what the resurrection was. Now, asking questions during children's sermons is crucial, but at the same time, asking children questions in front of a congregation can also be very dangerous. Having asked the children if they knew the meaning of the resurrection, a little boy raised his hand. The pastor called on him and the little boy said, "I know that if you have a resurrection that lasts more than four hours you are supposed to call the doctor."
It took over ten minutes for the congregation to settle down enough from their laughter for the worship service to be continued
February 8, 2024 - Teacher Parents
My wife and I are teachers, and our jobs often spill over into our family life. One morning as our eight-year-old Maggie was getting ready for school, I peeked into her room to be sure she had tidied it up.
"You call THAT a made bed?" I asked.
No Dad," Maggie replied. "It's just a rough draft."
February 7, 2024 -Priceless Grandparent Stories - Part 3
11. Subject: Children's Logic: Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher. The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant." The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked. "Sure," said the young boy confidently. "It means carrying a child."
12. A grandmother was surprised by her 7-year-old grandson one morning. He had made her coffee. She drank what was the worst cup of coffee in her life. When she got to the bottom, there were three of those little green army men in the cup. She said, "Honey, what are these army men doing in my coffee?" Her grandson said, "Grandma, it says on TV - "The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup!'"
13. Susie Sunshine asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favorite Bible stories. She was puzzled by Jimmie's picture which showed four people on an airplane, so she asked him which story it was meant to represent.
"The flight to Egypt." said Jimmy. "I see, and that must be Mary, Joseph and Baby Jesus," Ms Susie said. But who's the fourth person?" "Oh, that's Pontius - the Pilot."
14. A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties. "They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster. "No," said another, "he's just for good luck." A third child brought the argument to a close. "They use the dogs", she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant."
February 6, 2024 -Priceless Grandparent Stories - Part 2
6. A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was. Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted, "Thou shall not take the covers off thy neighbor's wife."
7. Our five-year-old son Mark couldn't wait to tell his father about the movie we had watched on television, "20,000 Leagues Under the Sea." The scenes with the submarine and the giant octopus had kept him wide-eyed. In the middle of the telling, my husband interrupted Mark, "What caused the submarine to sink?" With a look of incredulity Mark replied, "Dad, it was the 20,000 leaks!"
8. When my grandson, Billy, and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use, Grandpa. The mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights."
9. When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm not sure." "Look in your underwear, Grandma! ," he advised. "Mine says I'm four."
10. A second grader came home from school and said to her mother, "Mom, guess what? We learned how to make babies today." The mother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's interesting," she said, "How do you make babies?" "It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change "y" to "i" and add 'es'."
February 5, 2024 -Priceless Grandparent Stories - Part 1
1. After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. At last she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was THAT?"
2. A mother was telling her little girl what her own childhood was like: "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods."
The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"
3. My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?"! I mentally polished my halo while I asked, "No, how are we alike?" "You're both old," he replied.
4. A little girl was diligently pounding away on her father's word processor. She told him she was writing a story. "What's it about?" he asked. "I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."
5. I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me, and always she was correct. But it was fun for me, so I continued. At last she headed for the door, saying sagely, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these yourself!"
February 4, 2024 -A Few Fishing Definitions
HOOK - (1) A curved piece of metal used to catch fish. (2) A clever advertisement used to lure a fisherman to spend his life's savings on fishing supplies. (3) The punch administered by said fisherman's wife after she learns what he spent their life's savings on. (Usually accompanied by word "right" or "left.")
LINE - Something you give your coworkers when they ask how your fishing trip went.
LURE - An object that dangles from the end of your fishing line and is supposed to encourage fish to bite it. It is the fisherman's equivalent of sports cards, comic books, buttons, lint, and other things you collect that generally have no purpose.
REEL - A weighted object that causes a rod to sink quickly when dropped overboard.
ROD - An attractively-painted length of fiberglass that keeps an angler from ever getting too close to a fish.
TACKLE - What your last catch did to you right after you brought him into the boat and right before he jumped back overboard.
TACKLE BOX - A box shaped alarmingly like a good first aid kit, only a tackle box carries an extremely large number of sharp objects, so that when you reach in blindly to grab an adhesive bandage, you soon find that you will need more than one.
TEST - (1) The amount of strength a fishing line affords an angler when fighting fish in a specific weight range. (2) A measure of your creativity when trying to come up with yet another explanation for why you have come home once again empty-handed.
February 1, 2024 - Vow Changes
Ken and Melba had finished their breakfast at the retirement home and were relaxing in the library.
"You know," said Melba, "today, in most marriage ceremonies, they don't use the word 'obey' anymore."
"Too bad, isn't it?" retorted Ken. "It used to lend a little humor to the occasion."
It is a little-known fact that King Arthur had more knights than is usually believed. They included:
~ Sir Face - the devastatingly handsome, but disappointingly shallow knight
~ Sir Pass - Arthur's best knight of all
~ Sir Port - A great help to all the other knights
~ Sir Culation - A knight who got around a bit - popular at parties
~ Sir Prise - the knight who could always be relied on to do the unexpected
~ Sir Vey - a watchful knight
~ Sir Monise - a rather long-winded and droning knight, but a good, moral sort
~ Sir Cuitous - a knight who approached his duties in a roundabout way
~ Sir Pose - a knight who stands by wild predictions
~ Sir Cumflex - a knight with a strange accent
~ Sir Cumvent - the evasive knight
~ Sir Reen - a calm and cheerful knight
~ Sir Spicious - a paranoid knight
~ Sir Real - a vague and insubstantial knight
~ Sir Cumstances - a knight whose fault it never was
Then there were the non identical twins - Winter Solstice and Summer Solstice - the longest and shortest knights.
February 27, 2024 - Dextrocardia Question
I went to a medical clinic for an electrocardiogram. While the technician was lining up her machine, I told her I have dextrocardia.
"What's that?" she asked.
"It means my heart is on the right side of my chest rather than on the left," I answered. "You should set up your machine to accommodate that."
As she attached the wires, she asked casually, "Tell me, have you had that for long?"
February 26, 2024 - Excavating Burial Ground
Two women archeologists are down in Mexico excavating an ancient Mayan burial ground looking for some remains to take back to their museum. Unfortunately, everything they run across is badly decomposed.
One of the women says, "We don't seem to be having much luck here, are we?"
The other replies, "Just keep on digging, honey, a good Mayan is hard to find!"
February 25, 2024 - Choose Today
The priest was preparing a man for his long day's journey into night. Whispering firmly, the priest said, "Denounce the devil! Let him know how little you think of his evil!"
The dying man said nothing. The priest repeated his order. Still the dying man said nothing. The priest asked, "Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil?"
The dying man said, "Until I know where I'm heading, I don't think I ought to aggravate anybody."
February 22, 2024 - Side Effects of a Life in Comedy
* Recurring nightmare: as your "Harpo Meets Teller" routine is bombing, you realize you're doing a radio show.
* Your social status is one small notch above mimes and rodeo clowns.
* People are always asking, "Ooh, do you know Adam Sandler?"
* Wisenheimer's Syndrome.
* You laugh on the outside, but inside you harbor a bitter resentment toward people who have enough money for food.
* Instead of crow's feet, you get punchlines.
* You have to start the day with a couple of quick knock-knock jokes to get rid of "the shakes."
* The grandkids keep breaking your dentures trying to wind them up.
* Mom was right: your face *does* freeze that way, after a couple of decades.
* Everything tastes funny.
You can rate this joke at:
February 21, 2024 - Getting Paid
When repairmen say they'll "Come sometime next week," I usually say, "Fine, I'll pay you sometime next year."
February 20, 2024 - College Applicant
Parents can be very upset when their children don't get into the college of their choice.
As an admissions counselor for a state university, I took a call from an irate mother who was demanding to know why her daughter had been turned down. Avoiding any mention of the transcript full of D's, I explained that her daughter just wasn't as "competitive" as the admitted class.
"Why doesn't she try anther school for a year and then transfer?" I suggested.
"Another school!" exclaimed the Mother. "Have you seen her grades?"
February 19, 2024 - Garden Theft
"Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking."
February 18, 2024 - The Letter
Ruth went to her mail box and there was only one letter. She picked it up and looked at it before opening, but then she looked at the envelope again. There was no stamp, no postmark, only her name and address. She read the letter:
Dear Ruth:
I'm going to be in your neighborhood Saturday afternoon and I would like to visit.
Love Always, Jesus
Her hands were shaking as she placed the letter on the table.
"Why would the Lord want to visit me? I'm nobody special. I don't have anything to offer."
With that thought, Ruth remembered her empty kitchen cabinets.
"Oh my goodness, I really don't have anything to offer. I'll have to run down to the store and buy something for dinner." She reached for her purse and counted out it's contents.
Five dollars and forty cents. "Well, I can get some bread and cold cuts, at least."
She threw on her coat and hurried out the door.
She bought a loaf of French bread, a half-pound of sliced turkey, and a carton of milk - leaving Ruth with a grand total of twelve cents to last her until Monday.
Nonetheless, she felt good as she headed home, her meager offerings tucked under her arm.
"Hey lady. Can you help us, lady?"
Ruth had been so absorbed in her dinner plans, she hadn't even noticed two figures huddled in the alleyway. A man and a woman, both of them dressed in little more than rags.
"Look lady, I ain't got a job, ya know, and my wife and I have been living out here on the street, and, well, now it's getting cold and we're getting kinda hungry and, well, if you could help us, lady, we'd really appreciate it."
Ruth looked at them both. They were dirty, they smelled bad and frankly, she was certain that they could get some kind of work if they really wanted to.
"Sir, I'd like to help you, but I'm a poor woman myself. All I have is a few cold cuts and some bread, and I'm having an important guest for dinner tonight and I was planning on serving that to Him."
"Yeah, well, okay lady, I understand. Thanks anyway."
The man put his arm around the woman's shoulders, turned and he headed back into the alley.
As she watched them leave, Ruth felt a familiar twinge in her heart.
"Sir, wait!"
The couple stopped and turned as she ran down the alley after them. "Look, why don't you take this food. I'll figure out something else to serve my guest."
She handed the man her grocery bag.
"Thank you lady. Thank you very much!"
"Yes, thank you!" It was the man's wife, and Ruth could see now that she was shivering.
"You know, I've got another coat at home. Here, why don't you take this one." Ruth unbuttoned her jacket and slipped it over the woman's shoulders.
Then smiling, she turned and walked back to the street... without her coat and with nothing to serve her guest.
"Thank you lady! Thank you very much!"
Ruth was chilled by the time she reached her front door, and worried too. The Lord was coming to visit and she didn't have anything to offer Him.
She fumbled through her purse for the door key. But as she did, she noticed another envelope in her mailbox.
"That's odd. The mailman doesn't usually come twice in one day."
She took the envelope out of the box and opened it.
Dear Ruth:
It was so good to see you again. Thank you for the lovely meal. And thank you, too, for the beautiful coat.
Love Always, Jesus
February 15, 2024 - SIDNK
During the Air Force Academy's basic cadet training, the new cadets, known as doolies, go through a ten-day encampment outdoors. Prior to being served in the chow tent, they are required to do pullups and then get in line to answer questions about the academy. If they answer correctly, they are allowed to proceed inside. If not, they are sent to the back of the line.
One doolie had been sent back a number of times because he didn't reel off the answers. When the poor cadet came up again, a sympathetic upperclassman asked him, "What does the abbreviation S. I. D. N. K. stand for?"
The doolie bowed his head and replied, "Sir, I do not know."
"Right!" the upperclassman said. "Go on in there and get some chow!"
February 14, 2024 - Overdue at the Movies
Tired from waiting for their overdue baby, my daughter and her husband broke the monotony one night with a trip to the movies. My daughter went inside to get seats while my son-in-law bought popcorn and drinks in the lobby.
Paying for the refreshments, my son-in-law knocked over his soda. The clerk mopped up the mess and refilled his cup. Rattled, he then joined his wife. Talking over the background music, he dramatically described his embarrassing episode. One of his expressive gestures upset the bucket of popcorn. He sheepishly headed back to the lobby.
When he was out of earshot, the woman sitting next to my daughter turned and said, "You're not going to let him hold the baby, are you?"
February 13, 2024 - Rose
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What's the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know, the one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'
February 12, 2024 - Memory
Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a check-up, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure.'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.
'Where's my toast?'
February 11, 2012 - Resurrection
A Baptist pastor was presenting a children's sermon. During the sermon, he asked the children if they knew what the resurrection was. Now, asking questions during children's sermons is crucial, but at the same time, asking children questions in front of a congregation can also be very dangerous. Having asked the children if they knew the meaning of the resurrection, a little boy raised his hand. The pastor called on him and the little boy said, "I know that if you have a resurrection that lasts more than four hours you are supposed to call the doctor."
It took over ten minutes for the congregation to settle down enough from their laughter for the worship service to be continued
February 8, 2024 - Teacher Parents
My wife and I are teachers, and our jobs often spill over into our family life. One morning as our eight-year-old Maggie was getting ready for school, I peeked into her room to be sure she had tidied it up.
"You call THAT a made bed?" I asked.
No Dad," Maggie replied. "It's just a rough draft."
February 7, 2024 -Priceless Grandparent Stories - Part 3
11. Subject: Children's Logic: Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher. The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant." The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked. "Sure," said the young boy confidently. "It means carrying a child."
12. A grandmother was surprised by her 7-year-old grandson one morning. He had made her coffee. She drank what was the worst cup of coffee in her life. When she got to the bottom, there were three of those little green army men in the cup. She said, "Honey, what are these army men doing in my coffee?" Her grandson said, "Grandma, it says on TV - "The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup!'"
13. Susie Sunshine asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favorite Bible stories. She was puzzled by Jimmie's picture which showed four people on an airplane, so she asked him which story it was meant to represent.
"The flight to Egypt." said Jimmy. "I see, and that must be Mary, Joseph and Baby Jesus," Ms Susie said. But who's the fourth person?" "Oh, that's Pontius - the Pilot."
14. A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties. "They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster. "No," said another, "he's just for good luck." A third child brought the argument to a close. "They use the dogs", she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant."
February 6, 2024 -Priceless Grandparent Stories - Part 2
6. A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was. Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted, "Thou shall not take the covers off thy neighbor's wife."
7. Our five-year-old son Mark couldn't wait to tell his father about the movie we had watched on television, "20,000 Leagues Under the Sea." The scenes with the submarine and the giant octopus had kept him wide-eyed. In the middle of the telling, my husband interrupted Mark, "What caused the submarine to sink?" With a look of incredulity Mark replied, "Dad, it was the 20,000 leaks!"
8. When my grandson, Billy, and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use, Grandpa. The mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights."
9. When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm not sure." "Look in your underwear, Grandma! ," he advised. "Mine says I'm four."
10. A second grader came home from school and said to her mother, "Mom, guess what? We learned how to make babies today." The mother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's interesting," she said, "How do you make babies?" "It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change "y" to "i" and add 'es'."
February 5, 2024 -Priceless Grandparent Stories - Part 1
1. After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. At last she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was THAT?"
2. A mother was telling her little girl what her own childhood was like: "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods."
The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"
3. My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?"! I mentally polished my halo while I asked, "No, how are we alike?" "You're both old," he replied.
4. A little girl was diligently pounding away on her father's word processor. She told him she was writing a story. "What's it about?" he asked. "I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."
5. I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me, and always she was correct. But it was fun for me, so I continued. At last she headed for the door, saying sagely, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these yourself!"
February 4, 2024 -A Few Fishing Definitions
HOOK - (1) A curved piece of metal used to catch fish. (2) A clever advertisement used to lure a fisherman to spend his life's savings on fishing supplies. (3) The punch administered by said fisherman's wife after she learns what he spent their life's savings on. (Usually accompanied by word "right" or "left.")
LINE - Something you give your coworkers when they ask how your fishing trip went.
LURE - An object that dangles from the end of your fishing line and is supposed to encourage fish to bite it. It is the fisherman's equivalent of sports cards, comic books, buttons, lint, and other things you collect that generally have no purpose.
REEL - A weighted object that causes a rod to sink quickly when dropped overboard.
ROD - An attractively-painted length of fiberglass that keeps an angler from ever getting too close to a fish.
TACKLE - What your last catch did to you right after you brought him into the boat and right before he jumped back overboard.
TACKLE BOX - A box shaped alarmingly like a good first aid kit, only a tackle box carries an extremely large number of sharp objects, so that when you reach in blindly to grab an adhesive bandage, you soon find that you will need more than one.
TEST - (1) The amount of strength a fishing line affords an angler when fighting fish in a specific weight range. (2) A measure of your creativity when trying to come up with yet another explanation for why you have come home once again empty-handed.
February 1, 2024 - Vow Changes
Ken and Melba had finished their breakfast at the retirement home and were relaxing in the library.
"You know," said Melba, "today, in most marriage ceremonies, they don't use the word 'obey' anymore."
"Too bad, isn't it?" retorted Ken. "It used to lend a little humor to the occasion."
January 2024
January 31, 2024 - Beautiful Name Tag
Our favorite restaurant has a waitress whose name-tag reads "Beautiful."
"Is that really your name?" I asked her.
"No" she admitted. "But if people are going to holler at me all day, I can at least be called something I like."
January 30, 2024 - Self-Righteous Perceptions
A man sees another leaning against the wall of a large building. The second man is puffing away, one cigarette after another.
The nonsmoker says, "Sir, I couldn't help noticing how you chain-smoke. How many packs do you smoke a day?"
"Four."
"How long have you been smoking?"
"Thirty years."
"That's over six thousand packs. Why, if you didn't smoke, you could have saved enough money to buy this building."
The smoker takes a deep puff and says, "Do you smoke?"
"Never."
"Do you own this building?"
"No."
"Well, I do."
January 29, 2024 - Youngest in School
A friend of mine has three boys, the youngest of whom, Gregory, had just started school.
A teacher commented to Gregory that she couldn't believe he was already in first grade and asked what his mother did all day now that the three boys were in school.
"Cartwheels," Gregory answered.
January 28, 2024 - Public Decency
My friend's father is a locksmith in a resort town. Once he saw a group of beach goers park near his shop and dump trash from their car on his property.
As soon as they were out of sight, he picked the lock on their car door, put the garbage back inside and relocked their car.
January 25, 2024 - Laboratory Cells
My mother works in a laboratory and is responsible for keeping tissue cultures alive. So that she won't forget, she writes "feed cells" on her calendar. One day she noticed that someone had scribbled in "take cells for a walk."
By the end of the month, a number of anonymous reminders had been added: "Take cells to Disneyland," "Cells on vacation," "Cells back" and, on Yom Kippur, "Jewish cells get the day off."
January 24, 2024 - Rolex and Timex
A girl was visiting her friend who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The friend responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.
Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
"Helloooooooooooooo," answered the girl. "They're watch dogs!"
January 23, 2024 - Loose Fitting Clothing
April teaches many aerobic classes. She told a lady who was looking to sign up for the class to just wear loose fitting clothing to the class.
"Honey," the lady replied, "if I had any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't be signing up for an exercise class."
January 22, 2024 - Family Devotions Review
In our family devotions, we did a study on King Asa, out of 2 Chronicles. Later in the day, we were reviewing what we had learned.
When asking my seven year-old what book in the Bible we find the story of King Asa, he responded, "Second Chronicles of Narnia!"
January 21, 2024 - Tub Baptism
A friend of mine took her four-year-old daughter to a baptismal service at her church. Later that night, her daughter took all of her dolls into the bathtub with her and held her own "baptism."
As she dunked each doll under the water, she repeated, "Now I baptize you in the name of the Father, the Son, and hold your nose."
January 18, 2024 - Solid to Gas
Some time ago, I was taking a ground school class for private pilots. During the sessions on weather, the instructor wanted to discuss the concept of sublimation - the act of going from a gas to a solid skipping the intermediate stage(s). e.g., frost - water vapor in the air becoming a solid on surfaces without first going through the liquid stage.
Wanting to see if the class had understood the concept, the instructor asked if anyone could provide an example of something that went straight from a solid to a gas (expecting "dry ice" as the answer).
A previously unknown section of my mind took control of my mouth and immediately emitted the word "burrito."
It took the instructor about 10 minutes to regain an academic composure.
January 17, 2024 - Bragging Rights
In his book, Sled Driver, SR-71 Blackbird pilot Brian Shul writes:
I'll always remember a certain radio exchange that occurred one day as Walt (my back-seater) and I were screaming across Southern California 13 miles high. We were monitoring various radio transmissions from other aircraft as we entered Los Angeles airspace. Though they didn't really control us, they did monitor our movement across their scope. I heard a Cessna ask for a readout of its ground speed.
"90 knots" Center replied. Moments later, a Twin Beech required the same.
"120 knots," Center answered. We weren't the only ones proud of our ground speed that day as almost instantly an F-18 smugly transmitted, "Ah, Center, Dusty 52 requests ground speed readout."
There was a slight pause, then the response, "525 knots on the ground, Dusty."
Another silent pause. As I was thinking to myself how ripe a situation this was, I heard a familiar click of a radio transmission coming from my back-seater. It was at that precise moment I realized Walt and I had become a real crew, for we were both thinking in unison.
"Center, Aspen 20, you got a ground speed readout for us?"
There was a longer than normal pause... "Aspen, I show 1,742 knots."
No further inquiries were heard on that frequency.
In another famous SR-71 story, Los Angeles Center reported receiving a request for clearance to FL 60 (60,000ft). The incredulous controller, with some disdain in his voice, asked, "How do you plan to get up to 60,000 feet?"
The pilot (obviously a sled driver), responded, "We don't plan to go up to it, we plan to go down to it." He was cleared.
January 16, 2024 - Coffee Choices
In our home we tend to get the children to help out. One day our youngest son came in to the living room and asked, "Does anyone want a cup of coffee?"
"Yes please!" we said.
He replied, "What kind of coffee do you want? Capitated or decapitated?"
January 15, 2024 - There They Go Again
As Christians, it is our responsibility to be a witness to our neighbors but, also, to let our witness show by our faithfulness in the family of God and the house of God every opportunity we can. As our neighbors watch us leave on Sunday morning, they will say "There they go again."
As our neighbors watch us leave Sunday evening, they will say, "There they go again."
As our neighbors watch us leave on Wednesday evening, they will say, "There they go again."
One day, when the trumpet of God sounds and God steps out onto the portals of Heaven to say, "Come up hither" our neighbors can look out their window saying, "There they go again."
January 14, 2024 - Watch Your Hat and Overcoat
The crowded cafeteria sported a large sign reading: "Watch Your Hat and Overcoat."
Meyer did. He kept turning every minute, almost choking over his food. His pal, Moshe, kept on eating, without thought of his own coat on the hook.
Finally Moshe said, "You dope... stop watching our overcoats."
"I'm only watching mine," replied Meyer. "Yours has been gone for over half an hour."
January 11, 2024 - Makeup Routine
Every morning, a little girl would go in the bathroom to watch Mommy as she was putting on her makeup to go to work.
But this certain morning when Mom turned to leave the bathroom, the little girl loudly said, "Mom, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper goodbye!"
January 10, 2024 - Don't Need Grace
Little Dewey and his family were having Sunday dinner at his grandmother's house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When Little Dewey received his plate, he started eating right away.
"Dewey! Please wait until we say our prayer," said his mother.
"I don't need to," the boy replied.
"Of course, you do." his mother insisted through gritted teeth. "We always say a prayer before eating at our house."
"That's at our house," Dewey explained. "But this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook."
January 9, 2024 -The Law of Parenthood
There is the Law of Gravity - and then, there is the Law of Parenthood
- A child's behavior will improve in proportion to the distance she is away from the parent.
- Two is equal to two, except when referring to time. Two minutes of tantrum lasts 20 times as long as two minutes of quiet time.
- The choice of a preschooler's best friend corresponds directly to the distance the friend lives from your house.
- A child's enjoyment of a popular entertainment will be inversely proportionate to the parent's enjoyment.
- The chance of a surprise visit by your parents-in-law is directly proportional to the size of the mess in your home.
- A child will always eat exactly what she has loved for the past year unless it is the only food in the fridge.
- The ease with which a toddler acquires the ability to say a word increases with its likelihood to embarrass a sailor.
January 8, 2024 - Patient Confession
Farmer Josh killed a pig and hung it up for the night, intending to butcher it in the morning, but the next day it was gone. He didn't tell a soul about it, and nothing happened for more than two months.
Then another farmer, who lived down the road, came by and said, "By the way Josh, did you ever find out who stole your pig?"
"Nope," said Josh. "Not until just now."
January 7, 2024 - Signs You Are an Elementary School Teacher
You are probably an elementary school teacher if:
~ You ask guests if they have remembered their scarves and mittens as they leave your home.
~ You move your dinner partner's glass away from the edge of the table.
~ You ask if anyone needs to go to the bathroom as you enter a theater with a group of friends.
~ You hand a tissue to anyone who sneezes.
~ You declare "no cuts" when a shopper squeezes ahead of you in a checkout line.
~ You ask "Are you sure you did your best?" to the mechanic who fails to repair your car to your satisfaction.
~ You sing the "Alphabet Song" to yourself as you look up a number in the phone book.
~ You say everything twice. I mean, you repeat everything.
January 4, 2024 - Sermon Overtime
The pastor was known for the clarity and brevity of his sermons. His talks were well organized and always ended promptly at 20 minutes.
One Sunday, he seemed to wander and drift around a bit and was still preaching to the congregation after 35 minutes. His wife managed a small signal, which fortunately he recognized as a sign he should come to a close.
When they got home after the service, the wife asked the pastor why he got so muddled and why he went on speaking so long.
He answered, "Well, I've gotten into the habit of tucking a lozenge in my mouth before I stand to speak. When the lozenge has dissolved, I know it is time to stop. This morning, unfortunately I picked up a collar button instead of a lozenge."
January 3, 2024 - Fine Request
A pickpocket was appearing in court for a series of petty crimes. "Mr. Brewster," the judge said, "you are hereby found guilty and fined the sum of $150."
After consulting with his client, Mr. Brewster's lawyer stood up and said, "Your Honor, my client is a little short at this time. He has only $125 in his pocket, but if you would allow him a few minutes in the crowd..."
January 2, 2024 - Accuracy Excuse
There was a knock at the door. It was a small boy, about seven years old. Something of his had found its way into my garage, he said, and he wanted it back.
Upon opening the garage door, I noticed two additions a baseball and a broken window sporting a baseball-sized hole.
"How do you suppose this ball got in here?" I asked the boy.
Taking one look at the ball, one look at the window, and one look at me, the boy exclaimed, "Wow! I must have thrown it right through that hole."
January 1, 2024 - Little Benjamin
Little Benjamin came running into the kitchen where is mother was working.
"Mom, can I please change my name right now?" he asked.
"But why would you want to do that?" replied his mom.
"Because Dad said he's going to spank me as sure as my name's Benjamin!"
Our favorite restaurant has a waitress whose name-tag reads "Beautiful."
"Is that really your name?" I asked her.
"No" she admitted. "But if people are going to holler at me all day, I can at least be called something I like."
January 30, 2024 - Self-Righteous Perceptions
A man sees another leaning against the wall of a large building. The second man is puffing away, one cigarette after another.
The nonsmoker says, "Sir, I couldn't help noticing how you chain-smoke. How many packs do you smoke a day?"
"Four."
"How long have you been smoking?"
"Thirty years."
"That's over six thousand packs. Why, if you didn't smoke, you could have saved enough money to buy this building."
The smoker takes a deep puff and says, "Do you smoke?"
"Never."
"Do you own this building?"
"No."
"Well, I do."
January 29, 2024 - Youngest in School
A friend of mine has three boys, the youngest of whom, Gregory, had just started school.
A teacher commented to Gregory that she couldn't believe he was already in first grade and asked what his mother did all day now that the three boys were in school.
"Cartwheels," Gregory answered.
January 28, 2024 - Public Decency
My friend's father is a locksmith in a resort town. Once he saw a group of beach goers park near his shop and dump trash from their car on his property.
As soon as they were out of sight, he picked the lock on their car door, put the garbage back inside and relocked their car.
January 25, 2024 - Laboratory Cells
My mother works in a laboratory and is responsible for keeping tissue cultures alive. So that she won't forget, she writes "feed cells" on her calendar. One day she noticed that someone had scribbled in "take cells for a walk."
By the end of the month, a number of anonymous reminders had been added: "Take cells to Disneyland," "Cells on vacation," "Cells back" and, on Yom Kippur, "Jewish cells get the day off."
January 24, 2024 - Rolex and Timex
A girl was visiting her friend who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The friend responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.
Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
"Helloooooooooooooo," answered the girl. "They're watch dogs!"
January 23, 2024 - Loose Fitting Clothing
April teaches many aerobic classes. She told a lady who was looking to sign up for the class to just wear loose fitting clothing to the class.
"Honey," the lady replied, "if I had any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't be signing up for an exercise class."
January 22, 2024 - Family Devotions Review
In our family devotions, we did a study on King Asa, out of 2 Chronicles. Later in the day, we were reviewing what we had learned.
When asking my seven year-old what book in the Bible we find the story of King Asa, he responded, "Second Chronicles of Narnia!"
January 21, 2024 - Tub Baptism
A friend of mine took her four-year-old daughter to a baptismal service at her church. Later that night, her daughter took all of her dolls into the bathtub with her and held her own "baptism."
As she dunked each doll under the water, she repeated, "Now I baptize you in the name of the Father, the Son, and hold your nose."
January 18, 2024 - Solid to Gas
Some time ago, I was taking a ground school class for private pilots. During the sessions on weather, the instructor wanted to discuss the concept of sublimation - the act of going from a gas to a solid skipping the intermediate stage(s). e.g., frost - water vapor in the air becoming a solid on surfaces without first going through the liquid stage.
Wanting to see if the class had understood the concept, the instructor asked if anyone could provide an example of something that went straight from a solid to a gas (expecting "dry ice" as the answer).
A previously unknown section of my mind took control of my mouth and immediately emitted the word "burrito."
It took the instructor about 10 minutes to regain an academic composure.
January 17, 2024 - Bragging Rights
In his book, Sled Driver, SR-71 Blackbird pilot Brian Shul writes:
I'll always remember a certain radio exchange that occurred one day as Walt (my back-seater) and I were screaming across Southern California 13 miles high. We were monitoring various radio transmissions from other aircraft as we entered Los Angeles airspace. Though they didn't really control us, they did monitor our movement across their scope. I heard a Cessna ask for a readout of its ground speed.
"90 knots" Center replied. Moments later, a Twin Beech required the same.
"120 knots," Center answered. We weren't the only ones proud of our ground speed that day as almost instantly an F-18 smugly transmitted, "Ah, Center, Dusty 52 requests ground speed readout."
There was a slight pause, then the response, "525 knots on the ground, Dusty."
Another silent pause. As I was thinking to myself how ripe a situation this was, I heard a familiar click of a radio transmission coming from my back-seater. It was at that precise moment I realized Walt and I had become a real crew, for we were both thinking in unison.
"Center, Aspen 20, you got a ground speed readout for us?"
There was a longer than normal pause... "Aspen, I show 1,742 knots."
No further inquiries were heard on that frequency.
In another famous SR-71 story, Los Angeles Center reported receiving a request for clearance to FL 60 (60,000ft). The incredulous controller, with some disdain in his voice, asked, "How do you plan to get up to 60,000 feet?"
The pilot (obviously a sled driver), responded, "We don't plan to go up to it, we plan to go down to it." He was cleared.
January 16, 2024 - Coffee Choices
In our home we tend to get the children to help out. One day our youngest son came in to the living room and asked, "Does anyone want a cup of coffee?"
"Yes please!" we said.
He replied, "What kind of coffee do you want? Capitated or decapitated?"
January 15, 2024 - There They Go Again
As Christians, it is our responsibility to be a witness to our neighbors but, also, to let our witness show by our faithfulness in the family of God and the house of God every opportunity we can. As our neighbors watch us leave on Sunday morning, they will say "There they go again."
As our neighbors watch us leave Sunday evening, they will say, "There they go again."
As our neighbors watch us leave on Wednesday evening, they will say, "There they go again."
One day, when the trumpet of God sounds and God steps out onto the portals of Heaven to say, "Come up hither" our neighbors can look out their window saying, "There they go again."
January 14, 2024 - Watch Your Hat and Overcoat
The crowded cafeteria sported a large sign reading: "Watch Your Hat and Overcoat."
Meyer did. He kept turning every minute, almost choking over his food. His pal, Moshe, kept on eating, without thought of his own coat on the hook.
Finally Moshe said, "You dope... stop watching our overcoats."
"I'm only watching mine," replied Meyer. "Yours has been gone for over half an hour."
January 11, 2024 - Makeup Routine
Every morning, a little girl would go in the bathroom to watch Mommy as she was putting on her makeup to go to work.
But this certain morning when Mom turned to leave the bathroom, the little girl loudly said, "Mom, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper goodbye!"
January 10, 2024 - Don't Need Grace
Little Dewey and his family were having Sunday dinner at his grandmother's house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When Little Dewey received his plate, he started eating right away.
"Dewey! Please wait until we say our prayer," said his mother.
"I don't need to," the boy replied.
"Of course, you do." his mother insisted through gritted teeth. "We always say a prayer before eating at our house."
"That's at our house," Dewey explained. "But this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook."
January 9, 2024 -The Law of Parenthood
There is the Law of Gravity - and then, there is the Law of Parenthood
- A child's behavior will improve in proportion to the distance she is away from the parent.
- Two is equal to two, except when referring to time. Two minutes of tantrum lasts 20 times as long as two minutes of quiet time.
- The choice of a preschooler's best friend corresponds directly to the distance the friend lives from your house.
- A child's enjoyment of a popular entertainment will be inversely proportionate to the parent's enjoyment.
- The chance of a surprise visit by your parents-in-law is directly proportional to the size of the mess in your home.
- A child will always eat exactly what she has loved for the past year unless it is the only food in the fridge.
- The ease with which a toddler acquires the ability to say a word increases with its likelihood to embarrass a sailor.
January 8, 2024 - Patient Confession
Farmer Josh killed a pig and hung it up for the night, intending to butcher it in the morning, but the next day it was gone. He didn't tell a soul about it, and nothing happened for more than two months.
Then another farmer, who lived down the road, came by and said, "By the way Josh, did you ever find out who stole your pig?"
"Nope," said Josh. "Not until just now."
January 7, 2024 - Signs You Are an Elementary School Teacher
You are probably an elementary school teacher if:
~ You ask guests if they have remembered their scarves and mittens as they leave your home.
~ You move your dinner partner's glass away from the edge of the table.
~ You ask if anyone needs to go to the bathroom as you enter a theater with a group of friends.
~ You hand a tissue to anyone who sneezes.
~ You declare "no cuts" when a shopper squeezes ahead of you in a checkout line.
~ You ask "Are you sure you did your best?" to the mechanic who fails to repair your car to your satisfaction.
~ You sing the "Alphabet Song" to yourself as you look up a number in the phone book.
~ You say everything twice. I mean, you repeat everything.
January 4, 2024 - Sermon Overtime
The pastor was known for the clarity and brevity of his sermons. His talks were well organized and always ended promptly at 20 minutes.
One Sunday, he seemed to wander and drift around a bit and was still preaching to the congregation after 35 minutes. His wife managed a small signal, which fortunately he recognized as a sign he should come to a close.
When they got home after the service, the wife asked the pastor why he got so muddled and why he went on speaking so long.
He answered, "Well, I've gotten into the habit of tucking a lozenge in my mouth before I stand to speak. When the lozenge has dissolved, I know it is time to stop. This morning, unfortunately I picked up a collar button instead of a lozenge."
January 3, 2024 - Fine Request
A pickpocket was appearing in court for a series of petty crimes. "Mr. Brewster," the judge said, "you are hereby found guilty and fined the sum of $150."
After consulting with his client, Mr. Brewster's lawyer stood up and said, "Your Honor, my client is a little short at this time. He has only $125 in his pocket, but if you would allow him a few minutes in the crowd..."
January 2, 2024 - Accuracy Excuse
There was a knock at the door. It was a small boy, about seven years old. Something of his had found its way into my garage, he said, and he wanted it back.
Upon opening the garage door, I noticed two additions a baseball and a broken window sporting a baseball-sized hole.
"How do you suppose this ball got in here?" I asked the boy.
Taking one look at the ball, one look at the window, and one look at me, the boy exclaimed, "Wow! I must have thrown it right through that hole."
January 1, 2024 - Little Benjamin
Little Benjamin came running into the kitchen where is mother was working.
"Mom, can I please change my name right now?" he asked.
"But why would you want to do that?" replied his mom.
"Because Dad said he's going to spank me as sure as my name's Benjamin!"
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