tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-56619091124616745652024-03-01T00:00:31.944-06:00Ministries of Francis Frangipane Humor PageGood, Clean Jokes and Funny Storiesfrangipane.org/messageshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10378205780527218537noreply@blogger.comBlogger15125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5661909112461674565.post-37319790558054017262024-03-01T00:00:00.002-06:002024-03-01T00:00:00.256-06:00March 2024<br />March 29, 2024 - It Pays to Read Labels<br />I finally figured out why I am so "full-figured"!<br /><br />As I was conditioning my hair in the shower this morning, I took time to read my shampoo bottle. I am in shock! The shampoo I use in the shower that runs down my entire body says "for extra volume and body"! Seriously, why have I not noticed this before?<br /><br />Tomorrow I am going to start using "Dawn" dish soap! It says right on the bottle, "dissolves fat that is otherwise difficult to remove".<br /><br />It pays to read the warning labels my friends.<br /><br />March 28, 2024 - Kids on the Bible<br />The statements below are said to have been written by actual students, that they are genuine and NOT retouched or corrected:<br /><br />- Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark.<br /><br />- The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount cyanide to get the ten amendments.<br /><br />- The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.<br /><br />- The fifth commandment is to humor thy father and mother.<br /><br />- The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.<br /><br />- The epistles were wives of the apostles.<br /><br />- The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.<br /><br />- Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.<br /><br />- Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.<br /><br />- One of the opposums was St Matthew who was also a taximan.<br /><br />March 27, 2024 - One Carton and Six Eggs<br />This is a story which is perfectly logical to all males:<br /><br />A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6."<br /><br />A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.<br /><br />The wife asks him, "Why on earth did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"<br /><br />He replied, "They had eggs."<br /><br />March 26, 2024 - Vice Principal Review<br />At a dinner party in the home of friends, our host mentioned his high-school alma mater. One of the guests asked him if he had been a student there at the same time as a particular vice principal.<br /><br />"I sure was!" answered the host. "He was the biggest jerk I've ever met. Did you know him too?"<br /><br />"Well, not then," replied the guest. "But my mother married him last Saturday."<br /><br />March 25, 2024 - Morning Sickness<br />Sarah dropped in on her sister Molly and found her sitting at the kitchen table, staring blankly at a half-empty cup of coffee, her three kids squabbling loudly in the other room.<br /><br />"What's wrong Molly?" she asked.<br /><br />Molly told her that she had morning sickness.<br /><br />Surprised, Sarah said, "Hurray! I didn't even know you were pregnant!"<br /><br />"I'm not," the harried middle-aged mother replied.<br /><br />March 22, 2024 - Science Quotes from Kids - Part 2<br />~ H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water.<br /><br />~ To collect fumes of sulfur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube. When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.<br /><br />~ Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.<br /><br />~ Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars.<br /><br />~ Blood flows down one leg and up the other.<br /><br />~ Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration.<br /><br />~ The moon is a planet, just like the earth, only it is even deader.<br /><br />~ Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.<br /><br />~ Mushrooms always grow in damp places so they look like umbrellas.<br /><br />~ The pistol of a flower is its only protections against insects.<br /><br />~ The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to.<br /><br />~ A permanent set of teeth consist of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars, and eight cuspidors.<br /><br />~ The tides are a fight between the earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.<br /><br />~ A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is.<br /><br />~ Germinate: To become a naturalized German.<br /><br />~ Liter: A nest of young puppies.<br /><br />~ Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat.<br /><br />~ Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away.<br /><br />~ Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky.<br /><br />~ Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot.<br /><br />~ Vacuum: A large, empty space where the Pope lives.<br /><br />~ Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative.<br /><br />~ To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.<br /><br />~ For a nosebleed, put the nose much lower than the body until the heart stops.<br /><br />~ For dog bite put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it.<br /><br />~ For head cold use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat.<br /><br />~ To keep milk from turning sour, keep it in the cow.<br /><br /><br />March 21, 2024 - Science Quotes from Kids - Part 1<br />~ One horsepower is the amount of energy it takes to drag a horse 500 feet in one second.<br /><br />~ You can listen to thunder after lightening and tell how close you came to getting hit. If you don't hear it, you got hit, so never mind.<br /><br />~ When they broke open molecules, they found they were only stuffed with atoms. But when they broke open atoms, they found them stuffed with explosions.<br /><br />~ When people run around and around in circles, we say they are crazy. When planets do it, we say they are orbiting.<br /><br />~ While the earth seems to be knowingly keeping its distance from the sun, it is really only centrificating.<br /><br />~ Most books now say our sun is a star. But it still knows how to change into a sun in the daytime.<br /><br />~ A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to go.<br /><br />~ Many dead animals of the past changed to fossils, others preferred to become oil.<br /><br />~ Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know they are there.<br /><br />~ Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun. But I have never been able to make out the numbers.<br /><br />~ We say the cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on.<br /><br />~ I am not sure how clouds get formed. But the clouds know how to do it, and that is the important thing.<br /><br />~ In making rain water, it takes everything from H to O.<br /><br />~ Rain is saved up in cloud banks.<br /><br />~ Cyanide is so poisonous that one drop of it on a dog's tongue will kill the strongest man.<br /><br />~ Thunder is a rich source of loudness.<br /><br />~ Isotherms and isobars are even more important than their names sound.<br /><br />~ It is so hot in some parts of the world that the people there have to live in other places.<br /><br /><br />March 20, 2024 - A Good Job Done<br />The farmer's son was returning from the market with a crate of chickens his father had entrusted to him, when all of a sudden the box fell and broke open. Chickens scurried off in different directions, but the determined boy walked all over the neighborhood scooping up the wayward birds and returning them to the repaired crate. Hoping he had found them all, the boy reluctantly returned home, expecting the worst.<br /><br />"Pa, the chickens got loose," the boy confessed sadly, "but I managed to find all twelve of them."<br /><br />"Well, you done a good job, son," the farmer beamed, "because you only left with seven."<br /><br /><br />March 19, 2024 - Shoe Follow<br />Two elderly women were trying on shoes in our store. When I slipped a shoe onto one woman's foot, the end of my tie got caught beneath her heel.<br /><br />Unaware of my predicament, she stood up and started toward the mirror. For a few seconds, I found myself crawling along the floor beside her, trying to get her attention.<br /><br />"Look, Martha," her friend said. "he wants to go home with you!"<br /><br /><br />March 18, 2024 - Project Picture<br />My 12 year old daughter asked me, "Mom, do you have a baby picture of yourself? I need it for a school project." I gave her one without thinking to ask what the project was.<br /><br />A few days later I was in her classroom for a parent-teacher meeting when I noticed my face pinned to a mural the students had created.<br /><br />The title of their project was: "The oldest thing in my house."<br /><br /><br />March 15, 2024 - Breakable Mail<br />There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country.<br /><br />"Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk.<br /><br />"Only the Ten Commandments." answered the lady.<br /><br /><br />March 14, 2024 - Good Morning<br />"Somebody has said there are only two kinds of people in the world. There are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning, Lord," and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's morning."<br /><br /><br />March 13, 2024 - Meter Reader<br />A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter.<br /><br />Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses."<br /><br />When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation."<br /><br /><br />March 12, 2024 - Building Program<br />There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets."<br /><br /><br />March 11, 2024 - Energy Efficient<br />While driving in Pennsylvania , a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign... "Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust."<br /><br /><br />March 8, 2024 - Little Benjamin<br />Little Benjamin came running into the kitchen where is mother was working.<br /><br />"Mom, can I please change my name right now?" he asked.<br /><br />"But why would you want to do that?" replied his mom.<br /><br />"Because Dad said he's going to spank me as sure as my name's Benjamin!"<br /><br /><br />March 7, 2024 - Keeping a Confidence<br />A friend of mine was in the hospital awaiting the arrival of her first child. When I telephoned the hospital to see if the baby had arrived, the nurse said it had.<br /><br />I asked if it was a boy or girl and was told that it was against hospital policy to give this information over the phone.<br /><br />"Fine," I said. "I can understand that. But can you tell me what she didn't have?"<br /><br />"It wasn't a boy," came the reply.<br /><br /><br />March 6, 2024 - Kids and Cliches<br />I teach fourth grade in Ventura County, California. As a fun assignment, I gave the students the beginning of a list of famous sayings and asked them to provide original endings for each one. Here are some examples of what my students submitted.<br /><br />- The grass is always greener when you leave the sprinkler on.<br /><br />- A rolling stone plays the guitar.<br /><br />- The grass is always greener when you remember to water it.<br /><br />- A bird in the hand is a real mess.<br /><br />- No news is no newspaper.<br /><br />- It's better to light one candle than to waste electricity.<br /><br />- It's always darkest just before I open my eyes.<br /><br />- You have nothing to fear but homework.<br /><br />- If you can't stand the heat, don't start the fireplace.<br /><br />- If you can't stand the heat, go swimming.<br /><br />- Never put off 'til tomorrow what you should have done yesterday.<br /><br />- A penny saved is nothing in the real world.<br /><br />- The squeaking wheel gets annoying.<br /><br />- We have nothing to fear but our principal.<br /><br />- To err is human. To eat a muskrat is not.<br /><br />- I think, therefore I get a headache.<br /><br />- Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry, and someone yells, "Shut up!"<br /><br />- Better to light a candle than to light an explosive.<br /><br />- It's always darkest before 9:30 p.m.<br /><br />- Early to bed and early to rise is first in the bathroom.<br /><br />- A journey of a thousand miles begins with a blister.<br /><br />- There is nothing new under the bed.<br /><br />- The grass is always greener when you put manure on it.<br /><br />- Don't count your chickens -- it takes too long.<br /><br /><br />March 5, 2024 - I Wish I Was a Bear<br />If you're a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months. I could get used to that.<br /><br />And another thing; before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid. That wouldn't bother me either.<br /><br />If you're a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business; you swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them, too.<br /><br />Also, your husband expects you to growl when you wake up. He expects you to have hairy legs and excess body fat. He likes it.<br /><br />I wish I were a bear.<br /><br /><br />March 4, 2024 - Signs of the Times<br />In a Vet's Office:<br />"All unattended children given free kitten"<br /><br />Lot outside Vet's office in Silverton, OR:<br />"Parking for customers only; others will be neutered."<br /><br />In a Veterinarians waiting room:<br />"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"<br /><br />Billboard on the side of the road:<br />"Keep your eyes on the road and stop reading these signs."<br /><br />In a Nonsmoking Area:<br />"If we see smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."<br /><br />On Maternity Room Door:<br />"Push, Push, Push."<br /><br />On a fence:<br />"Salesmen welcome - dog food is expensive."<br /><br />Outside a Muffler Shop:<br />"No appointment necessary, we'll hear you coming."<br /><br />In the front yard of a funeral home:<br />"Drive carefully, we'll wait."<br /><br /><br />March 1, 2024 - New Friend Sincerity<br />Last summer my wife and I met a couple at a restaurant. After lunch, the women decided to go shopping, and I invited the man to go sailing. While we were out on the water, a storm blew up. The tide had gone out, and we were down wind trying to work our way back through a narrow channel. At one point the boat grounded and we had to climb overboard and shove with all our might to get it back in deeper water.<br /><br />As my new friend stood there, ankle deep in muck, the wind blowing his hair wildly, rain streaming down his face, he grinned at me, and with unmistakable sincerity said, "Sure beats shopping."<br />frangipane.org/messageshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10378205780527218537noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5661909112461674565.post-1886540570465262122024-02-01T00:00:00.002-06:002024-02-01T00:00:00.137-06:00February 2024 February 28, 2024 - King Arthur's Unknown Knights<br />It is a little-known fact that King Arthur had more knights than is usually believed. They included:<br /><br />~ Sir Face - the devastatingly handsome, but disappointingly shallow knight<br /><br />~ Sir Pass - Arthur's best knight of all<br /><br />~ Sir Port - A great help to all the other knights<br /><br />~ Sir Culation - A knight who got around a bit - popular at parties<br /><br />~ Sir Prise - the knight who could always be relied on to do the unexpected<br /><br />~ Sir Vey - a watchful knight<br /><br />~ Sir Monise - a rather long-winded and droning knight, but a good, moral sort<br /><br />~ Sir Cuitous - a knight who approached his duties in a roundabout way<br /><br />~ Sir Pose - a knight who stands by wild predictions<br /><br />~ Sir Cumflex - a knight with a strange accent<br /><br />~ Sir Cumvent - the evasive knight<br /><br />~ Sir Reen - a calm and cheerful knight<br /><br />~ Sir Spicious - a paranoid knight<br /><br />~ Sir Real - a vague and insubstantial knight<br /><br />~ Sir Cumstances - a knight whose fault it never was<br /><br />Then there were the non identical twins - Winter Solstice and Summer Solstice - the longest and shortest knights.<br /><br />February 27, 2024 - Dextrocardia Question<br />I went to a medical clinic for an electrocardiogram. While the technician was lining up her machine, I told her I have dextrocardia.<br /><br />"What's that?" she asked.<br /><br />"It means my heart is on the right side of my chest rather than on the left," I answered. "You should set up your machine to accommodate that."<br /><br />As she attached the wires, she asked casually, "Tell me, have you had that for long?"<br /><br />February 26, 2024 - Excavating Burial Ground<br />Two women archeologists are down in Mexico excavating an ancient Mayan burial ground looking for some remains to take back to their museum. Unfortunately, everything they run across is badly decomposed.<br /><br />One of the women says, "We don't seem to be having much luck here, are we?"<br /><br />The other replies, "Just keep on digging, honey, a good Mayan is hard to find!"<br /><br />February 25, 2024 - Choose Today<br />The priest was preparing a man for his long day's journey into night. Whispering firmly, the priest said, "Denounce the devil! Let him know how little you think of his evil!"<br /><br />The dying man said nothing. The priest repeated his order. Still the dying man said nothing. The priest asked, "Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil?"<br /><br />The dying man said, "Until I know where I'm heading, I don't think I ought to aggravate anybody."<br /><br />February 22, 2024 - Side Effects of a Life in Comedy<br />* Recurring nightmare: as your "Harpo Meets Teller" routine is bombing, you realize you're doing a radio show.<br /><br />* Your social status is one small notch above mimes and rodeo clowns.<br /><br />* People are always asking, "Ooh, do you know Adam Sandler?"<br /><br />* Wisenheimer's Syndrome.<br /><br />* You laugh on the outside, but inside you harbor a bitter resentment toward people who have enough money for food.<br /><br />* Instead of crow's feet, you get punchlines.<br /><br />* You have to start the day with a couple of quick knock-knock jokes to get rid of "the shakes."<br /><br />* The grandkids keep breaking your dentures trying to wind them up.<br /><br />* Mom was right: your face *does* freeze that way, after a couple of decades.<br /><br />* Everything tastes funny.<br /><br />You can rate this joke at:<br /><br /><br />February 21, 2024 - Getting Paid<br />When repairmen say they'll "Come sometime next week," I usually say, "Fine, I'll pay you sometime next year."<br /><br /><br />February 20, 2024 - College Applicant<br />Parents can be very upset when their children don't get into the college of their choice.<br /><br />As an admissions counselor for a state university, I took a call from an irate mother who was demanding to know why her daughter had been turned down. Avoiding any mention of the transcript full of D's, I explained that her daughter just wasn't as "competitive" as the admitted class.<br /><br />"Why doesn't she try anther school for a year and then transfer?" I suggested.<br /><br />"Another school!" exclaimed the Mother. "Have you seen her grades?"<br /><br /><br />February 19, 2024 - Garden Theft<br />"Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking."<br /><br /><br />February 18, 2024 - The Letter<br />Ruth went to her mail box and there was only one letter. She picked it up and looked at it before opening, but then she looked at the envelope again. There was no stamp, no postmark, only her name and address. She read the letter:<br /><br />Dear Ruth:<br /><br />I'm going to be in your neighborhood Saturday afternoon and I would like to visit.<br /><br />Love Always, Jesus<br /><br />Her hands were shaking as she placed the letter on the table.<br />"Why would the Lord want to visit me? I'm nobody special. I don't have anything to offer."<br /><br />With that thought, Ruth remembered her empty kitchen cabinets.<br /><br />"Oh my goodness, I really don't have anything to offer. I'll have to run down to the store and buy something for dinner." She reached for her purse and counted out it's contents.<br /><br />Five dollars and forty cents. "Well, I can get some bread and cold cuts, at least."<br /><br />She threw on her coat and hurried out the door.<br /><br />She bought a loaf of French bread, a half-pound of sliced turkey, and a carton of milk - leaving Ruth with a grand total of twelve cents to last her until Monday.<br /><br />Nonetheless, she felt good as she headed home, her meager offerings tucked under her arm.<br /><br />"Hey lady. Can you help us, lady?"<br /><br />Ruth had been so absorbed in her dinner plans, she hadn't even noticed two figures huddled in the alleyway. A man and a woman, both of them dressed in little more than rags.<br /><br />"Look lady, I ain't got a job, ya know, and my wife and I have been living out here on the street, and, well, now it's getting cold and we're getting kinda hungry and, well, if you could help us, lady, we'd really appreciate it."<br /><br />Ruth looked at them both. They were dirty, they smelled bad and frankly, she was certain that they could get some kind of work if they really wanted to.<br /><br />"Sir, I'd like to help you, but I'm a poor woman myself. All I have is a few cold cuts and some bread, and I'm having an important guest for dinner tonight and I was planning on serving that to Him."<br /><br />"Yeah, well, okay lady, I understand. Thanks anyway."<br /><br />The man put his arm around the woman's shoulders, turned and he headed back into the alley.<br /><br />As she watched them leave, Ruth felt a familiar twinge in her heart.<br /><br />"Sir, wait!"<br /><br />The couple stopped and turned as she ran down the alley after them. "Look, why don't you take this food. I'll figure out something else to serve my guest."<br /><br />She handed the man her grocery bag.<br /><br />"Thank you lady. Thank you very much!"<br /><br />"Yes, thank you!" It was the man's wife, and Ruth could see now that she was shivering.<br /><br />"You know, I've got another coat at home. Here, why don't you take this one." Ruth unbuttoned her jacket and slipped it over the woman's shoulders.<br /><br />Then smiling, she turned and walked back to the street... without her coat and with nothing to serve her guest.<br /><br />"Thank you lady! Thank you very much!"<br /><br />Ruth was chilled by the time she reached her front door, and worried too. The Lord was coming to visit and she didn't have anything to offer Him.<br /><br />She fumbled through her purse for the door key. But as she did, she noticed another envelope in her mailbox.<br /><br />"That's odd. The mailman doesn't usually come twice in one day."<br /><br />She took the envelope out of the box and opened it.<br /><br />Dear Ruth:<br /><br />It was so good to see you again. Thank you for the lovely meal. And thank you, too, for the beautiful coat.<br /><br />Love Always, Jesus<br /><br />February 15, 2024 - SIDNK<br />During the Air Force Academy's basic cadet training, the new cadets, known as doolies, go through a ten-day encampment outdoors. Prior to being served in the chow tent, they are required to do pullups and then get in line to answer questions about the academy. If they answer correctly, they are allowed to proceed inside. If not, they are sent to the back of the line.<br /><br />One doolie had been sent back a number of times because he didn't reel off the answers. When the poor cadet came up again, a sympathetic upperclassman asked him, "What does the abbreviation S. I. D. N. K. stand for?"<br /><br />The doolie bowed his head and replied, "Sir, I do not know."<br /><br />"Right!" the upperclassman said. "Go on in there and get some chow!"<br /><br /><br />February 14, 2024 - Overdue at the Movies<br />Tired from waiting for their overdue baby, my daughter and her husband broke the monotony one night with a trip to the movies. My daughter went inside to get seats while my son-in-law bought popcorn and drinks in the lobby.<br /><br />Paying for the refreshments, my son-in-law knocked over his soda. The clerk mopped up the mess and refilled his cup. Rattled, he then joined his wife. Talking over the background music, he dramatically described his embarrassing episode. One of his expressive gestures upset the bucket of popcorn. He sheepishly headed back to the lobby.<br /><br />When he was out of earshot, the woman sitting next to my daughter turned and said, "You're not going to let him hold the baby, are you?"<br /><br /><br />February 13, 2024 - Rose<br />An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.<br /><br />The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.'<br /><br />The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'<br /><br />The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What's the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know, the one that's red and has thorns.'<br /><br />'Do you mean a rose?'<br /><br />'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'<br /><br /><br />February 12, 2024 - Memory<br />Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a check-up, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.<br /><br />Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.<br /><br />'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'<br /><br />'Sure.'<br /><br />'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.<br /><br />'No, I can remember it.'<br /><br />'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'<br /><br />He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'<br /><br />'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.<br /><br />Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'<br /><br />Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.<br /><br />'Where's my toast?'<br /><br /><br />February 11, 2012 - Resurrection<br />A Baptist pastor was presenting a children's sermon. During the sermon, he asked the children if they knew what the resurrection was. Now, asking questions during children's sermons is crucial, but at the same time, asking children questions in front of a congregation can also be very dangerous. Having asked the children if they knew the meaning of the resurrection, a little boy raised his hand. The pastor called on him and the little boy said, "I know that if you have a resurrection that lasts more than four hours you are supposed to call the doctor."<br /><br />It took over ten minutes for the congregation to settle down enough from their laughter for the worship service to be continued<br /><br /><br />February 8, 2024 - Teacher Parents<br />My wife and I are teachers, and our jobs often spill over into our family life. One morning as our eight-year-old Maggie was getting ready for school, I peeked into her room to be sure she had tidied it up.<br /><br />"You call THAT a made bed?" I asked.<br /><br />No Dad," Maggie replied. "It's just a rough draft."<br /><br /><br />February 7, 2024 -Priceless Grandparent Stories - Part 3<br />11. Subject: Children's Logic: Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher. The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant." The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked. "Sure," said the young boy confidently. "It means carrying a child."<br /><br />12. A grandmother was surprised by her 7-year-old grandson one morning. He had made her coffee. She drank what was the worst cup of coffee in her life. When she got to the bottom, there were three of those little green army men in the cup. She said, "Honey, what are these army men doing in my coffee?" Her grandson said, "Grandma, it says on TV - "The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup!'"<br /><br />13. Susie Sunshine asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favorite Bible stories. She was puzzled by Jimmie's picture which showed four people on an airplane, so she asked him which story it was meant to represent.<br />"The flight to Egypt." said Jimmy. "I see, and that must be Mary, Joseph and Baby Jesus," Ms Susie said. But who's the fourth person?" "Oh, that's Pontius - the Pilot."<br /><br />14. A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties. "They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster. "No," said another, "he's just for good luck." A third child brought the argument to a close. "They use the dogs", she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant."<br /><br /><br />February 6, 2024 -Priceless Grandparent Stories - Part 2<br />6. A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was. Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted, "Thou shall not take the covers off thy neighbor's wife."<br /><br />7. Our five-year-old son Mark couldn't wait to tell his father about the movie we had watched on television, "20,000 Leagues Under the Sea." The scenes with the submarine and the giant octopus had kept him wide-eyed. In the middle of the telling, my husband interrupted Mark, "What caused the submarine to sink?" With a look of incredulity Mark replied, "Dad, it was the 20,000 leaks!"<br /><br />8. When my grandson, Billy, and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use, Grandpa. The mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights."<br /><br />9. When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm not sure." "Look in your underwear, Grandma! ," he advised. "Mine says I'm four."<br /><br />10. A second grader came home from school and said to her mother, "Mom, guess what? We learned how to make babies today." The mother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's interesting," she said, "How do you make babies?" "It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change "y" to "i" and add 'es'."<br /><br /><br />February 5, 2024 -Priceless Grandparent Stories - Part 1<br />1. After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. At last she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was THAT?"<br /><br />2. A mother was telling her little girl what her own childhood was like: "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods."<br />The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"<br /><br />3. My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?"! I mentally polished my halo while I asked, "No, how are we alike?" "You're both old," he replied.<br /><br />4. A little girl was diligently pounding away on her father's word processor. She told him she was writing a story. "What's it about?" he asked. "I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."<br /><br />5. I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me, and always she was correct. But it was fun for me, so I continued. At last she headed for the door, saying sagely, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these yourself!"<br /><br /><br />February 4, 2024 -A Few Fishing Definitions<br />HOOK - (1) A curved piece of metal used to catch fish. (2) A clever advertisement used to lure a fisherman to spend his life's savings on fishing supplies. (3) The punch administered by said fisherman's wife after she learns what he spent their life's savings on. (Usually accompanied by word "right" or "left.")<br /><br />LINE - Something you give your coworkers when they ask how your fishing trip went.<br /><br />LURE - An object that dangles from the end of your fishing line and is supposed to encourage fish to bite it. It is the fisherman's equivalent of sports cards, comic books, buttons, lint, and other things you collect that generally have no purpose.<br /><br />REEL - A weighted object that causes a rod to sink quickly when dropped overboard.<br /><br />ROD - An attractively-painted length of fiberglass that keeps an angler from ever getting too close to a fish.<br /><br />TACKLE - What your last catch did to you right after you brought him into the boat and right before he jumped back overboard.<br /><br />TACKLE BOX - A box shaped alarmingly like a good first aid kit, only a tackle box carries an extremely large number of sharp objects, so that when you reach in blindly to grab an adhesive bandage, you soon find that you will need more than one.<br /><br />TEST - (1) The amount of strength a fishing line affords an angler when fighting fish in a specific weight range. (2) A measure of your creativity when trying to come up with yet another explanation for why you have come home once again empty-handed.<br /><br />February 1, 2024 - Vow Changes<br />Ken and Melba had finished their breakfast at the retirement home and were relaxing in the library.<br /><br />"You know," said Melba, "today, in most marriage ceremonies, they don't use the word 'obey' anymore."<br /><br />"Too bad, isn't it?" retorted Ken. "It used to lend a little humor to the occasion."<br />frangipane.org/messageshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10378205780527218537noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5661909112461674565.post-60349827264200738712024-01-01T00:00:00.002-06:002024-01-01T00:00:00.136-06:00January 2024 January 31, 2024 - Beautiful Name Tag<br />Our favorite restaurant has a waitress whose name-tag reads "Beautiful."<br /><br />"Is that really your name?" I asked her.<br /><br />"No" she admitted. "But if people are going to holler at me all day, I can at least be called something I like."<br /><br />January 30, 2024 - Self-Righteous Perceptions<br />A man sees another leaning against the wall of a large building. The second man is puffing away, one cigarette after another.<br /><br />The nonsmoker says, "Sir, I couldn't help noticing how you chain-smoke. How many packs do you smoke a day?"<br /><br />"Four."<br /><br />"How long have you been smoking?"<br /><br />"Thirty years."<br /><br />"That's over six thousand packs. Why, if you didn't smoke, you could have saved enough money to buy this building."<br /><br />The smoker takes a deep puff and says, "Do you smoke?"<br /><br />"Never."<br /><br />"Do you own this building?"<br /><br />"No."<br /><br />"Well, I do."<br /><br />January 29, 2024 - Youngest in School<br />A friend of mine has three boys, the youngest of whom, Gregory, had just started school.<br /><br />A teacher commented to Gregory that she couldn't believe he was already in first grade and asked what his mother did all day now that the three boys were in school.<br /><br />"Cartwheels," Gregory answered.<br /><br />January 28, 2024 - Public Decency<br />My friend's father is a locksmith in a resort town. Once he saw a group of beach goers park near his shop and dump trash from their car on his property.<br /><br />As soon as they were out of sight, he picked the lock on their car door, put the garbage back inside and relocked their car.<br /><br />January 25, 2024 - Laboratory Cells<br />My mother works in a laboratory and is responsible for keeping tissue cultures alive. So that she won't forget, she writes "feed cells" on her calendar. One day she noticed that someone had scribbled in "take cells for a walk."<br /><br />By the end of the month, a number of anonymous reminders had been added: "Take cells to Disneyland," "Cells on vacation," "Cells back" and, on Yom Kippur, "Jewish cells get the day off."<br /><br /><br />January 24, 2024 - Rolex and Timex<br />A girl was visiting her friend who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The friend responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.<br /><br />Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"<br /><br />"Helloooooooooooooo," answered the girl. "They're watch dogs!"<br /><br /><br />January 23, 2024 - Loose Fitting Clothing<br />April teaches many aerobic classes. She told a lady who was looking to sign up for the class to just wear loose fitting clothing to the class.<br /><br />"Honey," the lady replied, "if I had any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't be signing up for an exercise class."<br /><br /><br />January 22, 2024 - Family Devotions Review<br />In our family devotions, we did a study on King Asa, out of 2 Chronicles. Later in the day, we were reviewing what we had learned.<br /><br />When asking my seven year-old what book in the Bible we find the story of King Asa, he responded, "Second Chronicles of Narnia!"<br /><br /><br />January 21, 2024 - Tub Baptism<br />A friend of mine took her four-year-old daughter to a baptismal service at her church. Later that night, her daughter took all of her dolls into the bathtub with her and held her own "baptism."<br /><br />As she dunked each doll under the water, she repeated, "Now I baptize you in the name of the Father, the Son, and hold your nose."<br /><br /><br />January 18, 2024 - Solid to Gas<br />Some time ago, I was taking a ground school class for private pilots. During the sessions on weather, the instructor wanted to discuss the concept of sublimation - the act of going from a gas to a solid skipping the intermediate stage(s). e.g., frost - water vapor in the air becoming a solid on surfaces without first going through the liquid stage.<br /><br />Wanting to see if the class had understood the concept, the instructor asked if anyone could provide an example of something that went straight from a solid to a gas (expecting "dry ice" as the answer).<br /><br />A previously unknown section of my mind took control of my mouth and immediately emitted the word "burrito."<br /><br />It took the instructor about 10 minutes to regain an academic composure.<br /><br /><br />January 17, 2024 - Bragging Rights<br />In his book, Sled Driver, SR-71 Blackbird pilot Brian Shul writes:<br /><br />I'll always remember a certain radio exchange that occurred one day as Walt (my back-seater) and I were screaming across Southern California 13 miles high. We were monitoring various radio transmissions from other aircraft as we entered Los Angeles airspace. Though they didn't really control us, they did monitor our movement across their scope. I heard a Cessna ask for a readout of its ground speed.<br /><br />"90 knots" Center replied. Moments later, a Twin Beech required the same.<br /><br />"120 knots," Center answered. We weren't the only ones proud of our ground speed that day as almost instantly an F-18 smugly transmitted, "Ah, Center, Dusty 52 requests ground speed readout."<br /><br />There was a slight pause, then the response, "525 knots on the ground, Dusty."<br /><br />Another silent pause. As I was thinking to myself how ripe a situation this was, I heard a familiar click of a radio transmission coming from my back-seater. It was at that precise moment I realized Walt and I had become a real crew, for we were both thinking in unison.<br /><br />"Center, Aspen 20, you got a ground speed readout for us?"<br /><br />There was a longer than normal pause... "Aspen, I show 1,742 knots."<br /><br />No further inquiries were heard on that frequency.<br /><br />In another famous SR-71 story, Los Angeles Center reported receiving a request for clearance to FL 60 (60,000ft). The incredulous controller, with some disdain in his voice, asked, "How do you plan to get up to 60,000 feet?"<br /><br />The pilot (obviously a sled driver), responded, "We don't plan to go up to it, we plan to go down to it." He was cleared.<br /><br /><br />January 16, 2024 - Coffee Choices<br />In our home we tend to get the children to help out. One day our youngest son came in to the living room and asked, "Does anyone want a cup of coffee?"<br /><br />"Yes please!" we said.<br /><br />He replied, "What kind of coffee do you want? Capitated or decapitated?"<br /><br /><br />January 15, 2024 - There They Go Again<br />As Christians, it is our responsibility to be a witness to our neighbors but, also, to let our witness show by our faithfulness in the family of God and the house of God every opportunity we can. As our neighbors watch us leave on Sunday morning, they will say "There they go again."<br /><br />As our neighbors watch us leave Sunday evening, they will say, "There they go again."<br /><br />As our neighbors watch us leave on Wednesday evening, they will say, "There they go again."<br /><br />One day, when the trumpet of God sounds and God steps out onto the portals of Heaven to say, "Come up hither" our neighbors can look out their window saying, "There they go again."<br /><br /><br />January 14, 2024 - Watch Your Hat and Overcoat<br />The crowded cafeteria sported a large sign reading: "Watch Your Hat and Overcoat."<br /><br />Meyer did. He kept turning every minute, almost choking over his food. His pal, Moshe, kept on eating, without thought of his own coat on the hook.<br /><br />Finally Moshe said, "You dope... stop watching our overcoats."<br /><br />"I'm only watching mine," replied Meyer. "Yours has been gone for over half an hour."<br /><br /><br />January 11, 2024 - Makeup Routine<br />Every morning, a little girl would go in the bathroom to watch Mommy as she was putting on her makeup to go to work.<br /><br />But this certain morning when Mom turned to leave the bathroom, the little girl loudly said, "Mom, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper goodbye!"<br /><br /><br />January 10, 2024 - Don't Need Grace<br />Little Dewey and his family were having Sunday dinner at his grandmother's house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When Little Dewey received his plate, he started eating right away.<br /><br />"Dewey! Please wait until we say our prayer," said his mother.<br /><br />"I don't need to," the boy replied.<br /><br />"Of course, you do." his mother insisted through gritted teeth. "We always say a prayer before eating at our house."<br /><br />"That's at our house," Dewey explained. "But this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook."<br /><br /><br />January 9, 2024 -The Law of Parenthood<br />There is the Law of Gravity - and then, there is the Law of Parenthood<br /><br />- A child's behavior will improve in proportion to the distance she is away from the parent.<br /><br />- Two is equal to two, except when referring to time. Two minutes of tantrum lasts 20 times as long as two minutes of quiet time.<br /><br />- The choice of a preschooler's best friend corresponds directly to the distance the friend lives from your house.<br /><br />- A child's enjoyment of a popular entertainment will be inversely proportionate to the parent's enjoyment.<br /><br />- The chance of a surprise visit by your parents-in-law is directly proportional to the size of the mess in your home.<br /><br />- A child will always eat exactly what she has loved for the past year unless it is the only food in the fridge.<br /><br />- The ease with which a toddler acquires the ability to say a word increases with its likelihood to embarrass a sailor.<br /><br /><br />January 8, 2024 - Patient Confession<br />Farmer Josh killed a pig and hung it up for the night, intending to butcher it in the morning, but the next day it was gone. He didn't tell a soul about it, and nothing happened for more than two months.<br /><br />Then another farmer, who lived down the road, came by and said, "By the way Josh, did you ever find out who stole your pig?"<br /><br />"Nope," said Josh. "Not until just now."<br /><br /><br />January 7, 2024 - Signs You Are an Elementary School Teacher<br />You are probably an elementary school teacher if:<br /><br />~ You ask guests if they have remembered their scarves and mittens as they leave your home.<br /><br />~ You move your dinner partner's glass away from the edge of the table.<br /><br />~ You ask if anyone needs to go to the bathroom as you enter a theater with a group of friends.<br /><br />~ You hand a tissue to anyone who sneezes.<br /><br />~ You declare "no cuts" when a shopper squeezes ahead of you in a checkout line.<br /><br />~ You ask "Are you sure you did your best?" to the mechanic who fails to repair your car to your satisfaction.<br /><br />~ You sing the "Alphabet Song" to yourself as you look up a number in the phone book.<br /><br />~ You say everything twice. I mean, you repeat everything.<br /><br /><br />January 4, 2024 - Sermon Overtime<br />The pastor was known for the clarity and brevity of his sermons. His talks were well organized and always ended promptly at 20 minutes.<br /><br />One Sunday, he seemed to wander and drift around a bit and was still preaching to the congregation after 35 minutes. His wife managed a small signal, which fortunately he recognized as a sign he should come to a close.<br /><br />When they got home after the service, the wife asked the pastor why he got so muddled and why he went on speaking so long.<br /><br />He answered, "Well, I've gotten into the habit of tucking a lozenge in my mouth before I stand to speak. When the lozenge has dissolved, I know it is time to stop. This morning, unfortunately I picked up a collar button instead of a lozenge."<br /><br /><br />January 3, 2024 - Fine Request<br />A pickpocket was appearing in court for a series of petty crimes. "Mr. Brewster," the judge said, "you are hereby found guilty and fined the sum of $150."<br /><br />After consulting with his client, Mr. Brewster's lawyer stood up and said, "Your Honor, my client is a little short at this time. He has only $125 in his pocket, but if you would allow him a few minutes in the crowd..."<br /><br /><br />January 2, 2024 - Accuracy Excuse<br />There was a knock at the door. It was a small boy, about seven years old. Something of his had found its way into my garage, he said, and he wanted it back.<br /><br />Upon opening the garage door, I noticed two additions a baseball and a broken window sporting a baseball-sized hole.<br /><br />"How do you suppose this ball got in here?" I asked the boy.<br /><br />Taking one look at the ball, one look at the window, and one look at me, the boy exclaimed, "Wow! I must have thrown it right through that hole."<br /><br />January 1, 2024 - Little Benjamin<br />Little Benjamin came running into the kitchen where is mother was working.<br /><br />"Mom, can I please change my name right now?" he asked.<br /><br />"But why would you want to do that?" replied his mom.<br /><br />"Because Dad said he's going to spank me as sure as my name's Benjamin!"<br />frangipane.org/messageshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10378205780527218537noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5661909112461674565.post-14413435324552077512023-12-01T00:30:00.002-06:002023-12-01T00:30:00.500-06:00December 2023
<p class="MsoNormal"><b>December 31, 2023 - Seats</b><br />
Some people are kind, polite, and sweet-spirited until you try to sit in their
pews.<br />
<br />
<b><br />
December 30, 2023 - Money</b><br />
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.<br />
<br />
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need, but it's on sale.<br />
<br />
<b><br />
December 29, 2023 - Shopping</b><br />
Q: If the a cat lost his tail, where could he go to get a new one?<br />
A: Wal-Mart - it is the world's largest retailer.<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>December 26, 2023 - Clothing Label</b><br />
Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.<br />
<br />
Operator: "Woven? Are you sure?"<br />
<br />
Caller: "Yes. That's what it says on the label: Woven in Scotland."<br />
<br />
<br />
December 25, 2023 - Merry Christmas!<br />
<br />
<b><br />
December 24, 2023 - Directory Enquiries</b><br />
Caller: "I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff,
please."<br />
<br />
Operator: "I'm sorry, but there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?"<br />
<br />
Caller: "Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar, but the 'B' fell
off."<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>December 23, 2023 - Marriage</b><br />
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.<br />
<br />
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>December 22, 2023 - Spelling</b><br />
"DIAPER spelled backward is REPAID; think about it."<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>December 19, 2023 - Babysitting</b><br />
With some misgivings, we left a young babysitter in charge of our three
energetic youngsters.<br />
<br />
When we returned a few hours later, she was sitting alone watching TV.<br />
<br />
I went to check on the children and found them in our narrow hallway. By
bracing their arms and legs against the walls, two of them had climbed up to
the ceiling.<br />
<br />
"The babysitter taught us how," they said gleefully.<br />
<br />
The sitter joined me, her face a deep red. "Since they had me climbing the
walls, I figured they might as well be too," she stammered.<br />
<br />
We kept the same girl for the next two years.<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>December 18, 2023 - What's for Dinner?</b><br />
The young couple invited their elderly pastor for Sunday dinner. While they
were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what they
were having.<br />
<br />
"Goat," the little boy replied.<br />
<br />
"Goat?" replied the startled man of the cloth, "Are you sure
about that?"<br />
<br />
"Yep," said the youngster. "I heard Dad say to Mom, 'Today is
just as good as any to have the old goat for dinner.'"<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>December 17, 2023 - Sugar</b><br />
Ben: One of our pigs was sick so I gave him some sugar.<br />
<br />
Dan: Sugar! What for?<br />
<br />
Ben: Haven't you ever heard of sugar-cured ham?<br />
<br />
<b><br />
December 16, 2023 - 10 Questions</b><br />
Our local paper runs a popular column called "10 Questions" that
spotlights people who live in our community.<br />
<br />
In addition to the usual inquiries about occupation and age, people are asked
the questions that give a snapshot look of their personalities.<br />
<br />
Recently one woman was asked, "What's the 'strangest' thing you ever
bought?"<br />
<br />
She answered, "Dog toothpaste."<br />
<br />
Next question, "What is the 'most common' thing people say to you?"<br />
<br />
Her answer: "Where did you get such white teeth?"<br />
<br />
<b><br />
December 15, 2023 - A Christmas Prayer</b><br />
Most Holy & Majestic Father,<br />
<br />
There's so much "hype" around Christmas time. I have to admit that I
enjoy all the jolly jingle and festive frolic as much as anyone. But, Lord, as
I enter into the fast-paced season ahead, help me walk slowly and quietly.<br />
<br />
Let me stop and listen to the angels sing of the greatest news ever told!<br />
Let my heart, mind and soul join the chorus. "Glory in the Highest!! The
Messiah has been born!"<br />
<br />
Among all the bright sparkling lights and cheery holiday tunes, let my spirit
travel once again toward Bethlehem to honor and worship Jesus, my King! The
Prince of Peace, the Lord of Hosts, Mighty Counselor, Son of God, the Lamb. All
Your love, mercy and power somehow made flesh in the tiny form of a humble baby
born in a manger. Let me worship the only one who is worthy to take our sin
away and open the gates of all eternity!<br />
<br />
Amen<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>December 12, 2023 - Wire Guard</b><br />
Gale-force winds and frigid temperatures had taken their toll. Snapped electric
wires were sparking and snaking about the snowdrifts. As a foot patrolman, I
was assigned to a desolate intersection to provide security at the scene of a
downed wire.<br />
<br />
It was 12:40 a.m. and -19 degrees when I relieved the initial guardian of this
dangerous area. He pointed out the thin line swinging ferociously from the main
electric circuit, as he entered the squad car for his return to warmth. I
pulled my coat collar up to my earmuffs and took up my position to protect the
public.<br />
<br />
Finally, at 5:40 a.m., a utility truck arrived. The linemen checked the wires,
then, laughing, descended toward me.<br />
<br />
"Well, Officer," one of them said, "congratulations. You've
successfully guarded a frozen kite string all night."<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>December 11, 2023 - Christmas Sign</b><br />
A church was preparing for Christmas services. The pastor decided he wanted a
banner made for the entryway and had a parishioner call the sign company.<br />
<br />
The parishioner told the man on the phone the message he wanted and the
dimensions needed for the entryway.<br />
<br />
The sign came back a few days later... "Unto Mary Jesus was born, six feet
long and two feet wide."<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>December 10, 2023 - The Perfect Husband...</b><br />
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench
rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk.
Everyone else in the room stops to listen.<br />
<br />
MAN: 'Hello.'<br />
<br />
WOMAN: 'Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?'<br />
<br />
MAN: 'Yes.'<br />
<br />
WOMAN: 'I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only
$1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?'<br />
<br />
MAN: 'Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.'<br />
<br />
WOMAN: 'I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2005 models.
I saw one I really liked.'<br />
<br />
MAN: 'How much?'<br />
<br />
WOMAN: '$90,000.'<br />
<br />
MAN: 'OK, but for that price, I want it with all the options.'<br />
<br />
WOMAN: 'Great! Oh, and one more thing .....the house I wanted last year is back
on the market. They're asking $950,000.'<br />
<br />
MAN: 'Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $900,000. They will
probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand. It is really a
pretty good price.'<br />
<br />
WOMAN: 'OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!!'<br />
<br />
MAN: 'Bye! I love you, too.' The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room
are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.....<br />
<br />
Then he smiles and asks: 'Anyone know who this phone belongs to?'<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>December 9, 2023 - Senior's Special</b><br />
We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the "seniors' special" was
two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $1.99.<br />
<br />
"Sounds good," my wife said. "But I don't want the eggs."<br />
<br />
"Then I'll have to charge you two dollars and forty-nine cents because
you're ordering a la carte," the waitress warned her.<br />
<br />
"You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?" my wife asked
incredulously. "I'll take the special."<br />
<br />
"How do you want your eggs?"<br />
<br />
"Raw and in the shell," my wife replied. She took the two eggs home.<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>December 8, 2023 - Office Hours</b><br />
Actual Call Center Conversations"Customer: "I've been ringing 0700
2300 for two days and can't get through to enquiries. Can you help?"<br />
<br />
Operator: "Where did you get that number from, sir?"<br />
<br />
Customer: "It was on the door to the Travel Centre."<br />
<br />
Operator: "Sir, they are our opening hours."<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>December 5, 2023 - Natural Foods</b><br />
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of
natural causes.<br />
<br />
<b><br />
December 4, 2023 - Consumerism in Christianity</b><br />
A man was stranded on the proverbial deserted Pacific island for years.<br />
<br />
Finally one day a boat comes sailing into view, and the man frantically waves
and draws the skipper's attention. The boat comes near the island and the
sailor gets out and greets the stranded man.<br />
<br />
After awhile the sailor asks, "What are those three huts you have
here?"<br />
<br />
"Well, that's my house there."<br />
<br />
"What's that next hut?" asks the sailor.<br />
<br />
"I built that hut to be my church."<br />
<br />
"What about the other hut?"<br />
<br />
"Oh, that's where I used to go to church."<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>December 3, 2023 - Bank Line</b><br />
With only two tellers working at the bank, the line I was standing in was moving
very slowly. As I waited, I began to fill in my withdrawal slip. Not sure of
the date, I turned and asked the woman behind me.<br />
<br />
"It's the fifth," she replied.<br />
<br />
A man from the back of the line advised, "Don't write it in yet!"<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>December 2, 2023 - Brain Problem</b><br />
Scientists have finally figured out what is wrong with mankind. The problem
lies in the two halves of their brains - the left and the right.<br />
<br />
The left half has nothing right in it<br />
<br />
And the right half has nothing left in it!<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>December 1, 2023 - Prescription Labels</b><br />
A pharmacy major was taking a course in Dispensing. One day they were
discussing the various labels affixed to prescription containers, such as,
"Take with food," and "Take with water."<br />
At the end of class, the professor passed out a few sample labels.<br />
<br />
Days later he noticed that one member of the class had struck one of them onto
his chemistry textbook.<br />
<br />
It read:<br />
<br />
"Caution: May cause extreme drowsiness."</p>
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<![endif]-->frangipane.org/messageshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10378205780527218537noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5661909112461674565.post-49186364008670488092023-11-01T00:30:00.002-05:002023-11-01T00:30:00.503-05:00November 2023
<p class="MsoNormal"><b>November 28, 2023 - $50 Question</b><br />
A scientist and a poet were traveling in the same compartment on a train. They
had never met before, so naturally there wasn't much conversation between the
two.<br />
The poet was minding his own business, looking out the window at the beauty of
the passing terrain. The scientist was very uptight, trying to think of things
he didn't know so he could try to figure them out. Finally, the scientist was
so bored that he said to the poet, "Hey, do you want to play a game?"
The poet, being content with what he was doing, ignored him and continued
looking out the window, humming quietly to himself. This infuriated the
scientist, who irritably asked again, "Hey, you, do you want to play a
game? I'll ask you a question, and if you get it wrong, you give me $5. Then,
YOU ask ME a question, and if I can't answer it, I'll give YOU $5."<br />
<br />
The poet thought about this for a moment, but he decided against it, seeing
that the scientist was obviously a very bright man. He politely turned down the
scientist's offer.<br />
The scientist, who by this time was going mad, tried a final time. "Look,
I'll ask you a question, and if you can't answer it, you give me $5. Then you
ask ME a question, and if I can't answer it, I'll give you $50!"<br />
<br />
Now, the poet was not that smart academically, but he wasn't totally stupid. He
readily accepted the offer. "Okay," the scientist said, "what is
the EXACT distance between the Earth and the Moon?" The poet, obviously
not knowing the answer, didn't stop to think about the scientist's question.<br />
He took a $5 bill out of his pocket and handed it to the scientist. The
scientist happily accepted the bill and promptly said, "Okay, now it's
your turn." The poet thought about this for a few minutes and then asked,
"All right, what goes up a mountain on three legs, but comes down on
four?"<br />
<br />
The bright glow quickly vanished from the scientist's face. He thought about
this for a long time, taking out his notepad and making numerous calculations.
He finally gave up on his notepad and took out his laptop, using his Multimedia
Encyclopedia. After about an hour of this, the poet quietly watching the
mountains of Colorado go by the whole time, the scientist FINALLY gave up. He
reluctantly handed the poet a $50 bill. The poet accepted it graciously,
turning back to the window.<br />
<br />
"Wait!" the scientist shouted. "You can't do this to me!<br />
<br />
What's the answer?" The poet looked at the scientist and calmly put a $5
bill into his hand.<br />
<br />
<b><br />
November 27, 2023 - Shoe Problem</b><br />
One night a fellow drove his secretary home after she had imbibed a little too
much at an office reception. Although this was an innocent gesture, he decided
not to mention it to his wife, who tended to get jealous easily.<br />
<br />
The next night the man and his wife were driving to a restaurant. Suddenly he
looked down and spotted a high-heel shoe half hidden under the passenger seat.
Not wanting to be conspicuous, he waited until his wife was looking out her
window before he scooped up the shoe and tossed it out of the car.<br />
<br />
With a sigh of relief, he pulled into the restaurant parking lot. That's when
he noticed his wife squirming around in her seat. "Honey," she asked,
"have you seen my other shoe?"<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>November 26, 2023 - Letter Carrying</b><br />
A letter carrier's career is a mail-dominated profession.<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>November 25, 2023 - Nice Boyfriend</b><br />
One night a teenage girl brought her new boyfriend home to meet her parents,
and they were appalled by his appearance: leather jacket, motorcycle boots,
tattoos and pierced nose.<br />
<br />
Later, the parents pulled their daughter aside and confessed their concern.
"Dear," said the mother diplomatically, "he doesn't seem very
nice."<br />
<br />
"Oh please, Mom," replied the daughter, "if he wasn't nice, why
would he be doing 500 hours of community service?"<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>November 24, 2023 - Housekeeping</b><br />
I don't do windows because... I love birds and don't want one to run into a
clean window and get hurt.<br />
<br />
I don't wax floors because... I am terrified a guest will slip, hurt
themselves, I'll feel terrible and they may sue me.<br />
<br />
I don't mind the dust bunnies because... They are very good company, I have
named most of them, and they agree with everything I say.<br />
<br />
I don't disturb cobwebs because... I want every creature to have a home of
their own.<br />
<br />
I don't Spring Clean because... I love all the seasons and don't want the
others to get jealous.<br />
<br />
I don't pull weeds in the garden because... I don't want to get in God's way,
he is an excellent designer.<br />
<br />
I don't put things away because. My husband will never be able to find them
again.<br />
<br />
I don't do gourmet meals when I entertain because... I don't want my guests to
stress out over what to make when they invite me over for dinner.<br />
<br />
I don't iron because... I choose to believe them when they say "Permanent
Press".<br />
<br />
I don't stress much on anything because... "A Type" personalities die
young and I want to stick around and become a wrinkled up crusty old woman!!!!<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>November 21, 2023 - Clean Laundry</b><br />
A young couple moves into a new neighborhood.<br />
<br />
The next morning while they are eating breakfast, the young woman sees her
neighbor hanging the wash outside.<br />
<br />
"That laundry is not very clean," she said. "She doesn't know
how to wash correctly. Perhaps she needs better laundry soap." Her husband
looked on, but remained silent.<br />
<br />
Every time her neighbor would hang her wash to dry, the young woman would make
the same comments.<br />
<br />
About one month later, the woman was surprised to see a nice clean wash on the
line and said to her husband: "Look, she has learned how to wash
correctly. I wonder who taught her this?"<br />
<br />
The husband said, "I got up early this morning and cleaned our windows."<br />
<br />
<br />
November 20, 2023 - The Perfect Husband<br />
MAN: 'Hello.'<br />
<br />
WOMAN: 'Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?'<br />
<br />
MAN: 'Yes.'<br />
<br />
WOMAN: 'I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only
$1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?'<br />
<br />
MAN: 'Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.'<br />
<br />
WOMAN: 'I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2005 models.
I saw one I really liked.'<br />
<br />
MAN: 'How much?'<br />
<br />
WOMAN: '$90,000.'<br />
<br />
MAN: 'OK, but for that price, I want it with all the options.'<br />
<br />
WOMAN: 'Great! Oh, and one more thing .....the house I wanted last year is back
on the market. They're asking $950,000.'<br />
<br />
MAN: 'Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $900,000. They will
probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand. It is really a
pretty good price.'<br />
<br />
WOMAN: 'OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!!'<br />
<br />
MAN: 'Bye! I love you, too.' The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room
are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.....<br />
<br />
Then he smiles and asks: 'Anyone know who this phone belongs to?'<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>November 19, 2023 - Jack</b><br />
Samsung Electronics Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for
Jack?"<br />
<br />
Operator: "I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking
about."<br />
<br />
Caller: "On page 1, section 5, of the user guide, it clearly states that I
need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack
before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?"<br />
<br />
Operator: "I think you mean the telephone socket on the wall."<br />
<br />
<b><br />
November 18, 2023 - Great Value in Disaster</b><br />
Thomas Edison's laboratory was virtually destroyed by fire in December, 1914.
Although the damage exceeded $2 million, the buildings were only insured for
$238,000 because they were made of concrete and thought to be fireproof. Much
of Edison's life's work went up in spectacular flames that December night.<br />
<br />
At the height of the fire, Edison's 24-year old son, Charles, frantically
searched for his father among the smoke and debris. He finally found him,
calmly watching the scene, his face glowing in the reflection, his white hair
blowing in the wind.<br />
<br />
"My heart ached for him," said Charles. "He was 67 - no longer a
young man - and everything was going up in flames. When he saw me, he shouted,
"Charles, where's your mother?" When I told him I didn't know, he
said, "Find her. Bring her here. She will never see anything like this as
long as she lives."<br />
<br />
The next morning, Edison looked at the ruins and said, "There is great
value in disaster. All our mistakes are burned up. Thank God we can start
anew."<br />
<br />
Three weeks after the fire, Edison managed to deliver his first phonograph.<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>November 17, 2023 - Quiz Query</b><br />
My daughter's 5th-grade class had been studying astronomy.<br />
<br />
One morning at breakfast she announced, "On Friday we're having a quiz on
the moon."<br />
<br />
That's when her little brother piped up, saying, "Are you gonna let her
go, Mom?"<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>November 14, 2023 - Note From Judge</b><br />
During court one busy day, the judge quietly passed the clerk a note reading:
"Blind on right side, may be falling. Please call someone."<br />
<br />
Understandably alarmed, the clerk called for help before whispering to the
judge that paramedics were on their way.<br />
<br />
Puzzled, the judge pointed to a sagging Venetian blind on the right side of the
room and explained, "I was thinking maybe someone from maintenance!"<br />
<br />
<b><br />
November 13, 2023 - Dirty Magazines</b><br />
Soon after being transferred to a new duty station, my Marine husband called
home to tell me he would be late - again. He went on to say that dirty
magazines had been discovered in the platoon's quarters and they had to
discipline the whole squad.<br />
<br />
I launched into a tirade, arguing that many men had pictures hanging in their
quarters at our previous post, so his new platoon should not be penalized so
severely.<br />
<br />
My husband calmly listened to my gripes and then explained, "Honey, dirty
magazines: the clips from their rifles had not been cleaned."<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>November 12, 2023 - Rock Store</b><br />
A rock store was closed by the police.<br />
<br />
They were taking too much for granite.<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>November 11, 2023 - Full Cooler</b><br />
This old fisherman would go out in his boat every morning and come back about
an hour later with a cooler filled with fish. The game warden got suspicious as
to how the old guy always caught so many fish in such a short time. So he
invited himself fishing with the old guy.<br />
<br />
They went to the middle of the lake, the old guy pulls out a stick of dynamite
and throws it overboard. Boom! Fish start floating to the surface and the old
guy starts scooping them up in his net.<br />
<br />
The game warden says, "You can't do that. It's illegal."<br />
<br />
The old guy quietly lights another stick of dynamite, hands it to the game
warden and says, "You gonna talk or are you gonna fish?"<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>November 10, 2023 - Sick Call</b><br />
Mr. Frobisher constantly called Dr. Wilson at all hours of the day and night
and would then keep him on the phone with a litany of imagined ailments.<br />
<br />
Finally the doctor could take it no longer. "Listen, Mr. Frobisher, if you
wake me up again in the middle of the night with another one of your tales
about some made-up ailment, I am going to insist you see another physician.
Have I made myself clear?"<br />
<br />
A week later, Mr. Frobisher slipped and fell down a flight of stairs, breaking
his hip, two ribs, an elbow, and suffering a concussion. He was rushed to the
hospital and put in intensive care.<br />
<br />
An hour later, Dr. Wilson walked in, saw his condition, and exclaimed "I
think you're finally getting the hang of it!"<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>November 7, 2023 - Clerk Silence</b><br />
A really huge muscular guy with a bad stutter goes to a counter in a department
store and asks,<br />
<br />
"W-w-w-where's the m-m-m-men's dep-p-p-partment?"<br />
<br />
The clerk behind the counter just looks at him and says nothing.<br />
<br />
The man repeats himself:<br />
<br />
"W-w-w-where's the m-m-m-men's dep-p-p-partment?"<br />
<br />
Again, the clerk doesn't answer him.<br />
<br />
The guy asks several more times:<br />
<br />
"W-w-w-where's the m-m-m-men's dep-p-p-partment?"<br />
<br />
And the clerk just seems to ignore him.<br />
<br />
Finally, the guy storms off in anger.<br />
<br />
The customer who was waiting in line behind the guy asks the clerk,<br />
<br />
"Why wouldn't you answer that guy's question?"<br />
<br />
The clerk answers. . .<br />
<br />
"D-d-d-do you th-th-th-think I w-w-w-want to get b-b-b-beat up?!!"<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>November 6, 2023 - Computer One Liners - Part 3</b><br />
Programming Department: Mistakes made while you wait.<br />
<br />
Programming is an art form that fights back.<br />
<br />
RAM disk is not an installation procedure.<br />
<br />
Real programs don't eat cache.<br />
<br />
Remember the good old days, when CPU was singular?<br />
<br />
Remember, UNIX spelled backwards is XINU.<br />
<br />
Shell to DOS...Come in DOS, do you copy? Shell to DOS...<br />
<br />
Shift to the left! Shift to the right! Pop up, push down, byte, byte, byte!<br />
<br />
Smith & Wesson - The ultimate "Point-and-Click" Interface...<br />
<br />
Some programming languages manage to absorb change but withstand progress.<br />
<br />
Southern DOS: Y'all reckon? (Yep/Nope)<br />
<br />
System going down at 5 pm to install scheduler bug.<br />
<br />
System halted. Press Enter key to continue.<br />
<br />
System has erased all work in progress. Press any key to ignore and continue.<br />
<br />
System has violated data integrity. Delete all data? Y/y __<br />
<br />
The computer is mightier than the pen, the sword, and usually, the programmer.<br />
<br />
The Definition of an Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in.<br />
<br />
The determined programmer can write a FORTRAN program in any language.<br />
<br />
The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>November 5, 2023 - First Impressions</b><br />
My youngest brother Tony had just completed Army basic training and was on
leave prior to his first tour in Germany. I am an Army National Guard pilot,
and my other<br />
brother is my crew chief. Since we were headed to the air base where Tony was
to catch his overseas transport, we offered to take him.<br />
<br />
When we landed at McGuire Air Force Base, several of Tony's fellow privates
came out to greet him. Tony ran ahead, while my other brother and I followed
with his gear. As Tony approached his buddies, he was bewildered by their
dumbfounded stares.<br />
<br />
Then he realized that his friends weren't seeing his two brothers giving him a
lift; they were seeing a new private arrive in his own helicopter -- with a
captain and sergeant<br />
carrying his bags!<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>November 4, 2023 - Weddings</b><br />
"When you walk down the aisle don't look grim."<br />
<br />
Said the preacher. "We'll then sing a hymn.<br />
<br />
When I stand by the alter<br />
<br />
The groom must not falter."<br />
<br />
"Ahh yes," said the bride, "Aisle, alter, hymn."<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>November 3, 2023 - Computer One Liners - Part 2</b><br />
ISDN: I Still Don't kNow<br />
<br />
ISDN: Idiot Services you Don't Need<br />
<br />
It said, "Insert disk #3," but only two will fit!<br />
<br />
Klingon prompt: strike any user when ready.<br />
<br />
Manual Writer's Creed: Garbage in, gospel out.<br />
<br />
Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!<br />
<br />
MIPS: Meaningless Indicator of Processor Speed.<br />
<br />
Multitasking - screwing up several things at once.<br />
<br />
My computer NEVER cras@#%^TU*NO CARRIER<br />
<br />
My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.<br />
<br />
Nerd: someone on the Dork Side of the Farce.<br />
<br />
Network: anything reticulated or decussated at equal intervals, with
interstices between the intersections.<br />
<br />
Never trust a computer you can't lift. - Stan Masor<br />
<br />
Old programmers never die; they just give up their resources.<br />
<br />
One person's error is another person's data.<br />
<br />
One picture is worth 128K.<br />
<br />
Our system is very reliable. Nothing ever goes
wr[}-_+=~'{?&gt;.(#$%{!`'?;f;fkj;uiutoiun;gt;to;g;g;t<br />
<br />
PCMCIA: People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms</p>
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<![endif]-->frangipane.org/messageshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10378205780527218537noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5661909112461674565.post-11943715826425182092023-10-01T00:30:00.002-05:002023-10-01T00:30:00.512-05:00October 2023
<p class="MsoNormal"><b>October 31, 2023 - Kindness</b><br />
In the days when an ice cream sundae cost much less, a 10 year old boy entered
a hotel coffee shop and sat at a table. A waitress put a glass of water in
front of him.<br />
<br />
"How much is an ice cream sundae?"<br />
<br />
"Fifty cents," replied the waitress.<br />
<br />
The little boy pulled his handout of his pocket and studied a number of coins
in it. "How much is a dish of plain ice cream?" he inquired.<br />
<br />
Some people were now waiting for a table and the waitress was a bit impatient.
"Thirty-five cents," she said brusquely.<br />
<br />
The little boy again counted the coins. "I'll have the plain ice
cream," he said.<br />
<br />
The waitress brought the ice cream, put the bill on the table and walked away.<br />
<br />
The boy finished the ice cream, paid the cashier and departed.<br />
<br />
When the waitress came back, she began wiping down the table and then swallowed
hard at what she saw. There, placed neatly beside the empty dish, were two
nickels and five pennies -- her tip.<br />
<br />
<b><br />
October 30, 2023 - Political Quotes</b><br />
"I resent your insinuendoes."<br />
<br />
"If we don't make some changes, the status quo will remain the same."<br />
<br />
"We're going to have the best-educated American people in the world."<br />
<br />
"If Lincoln were alive today, he'd roll over in his grave."<br />
<br />
"We do not have censorship. What we have is a limitation on what
newspapers can report."<br />
<br />
"Let's jump off that bridge when we come to it."<br />
<br />
"To be demeanered like that is an exercise in fertility."<br />
<br />
"I deny the allegations, and I defy the allegators."<br />
<br />
"If somebody's gonna stab me in the back, I want to be there."<br />
<br />
"When you're talking to me, keep your mouth shut."<br />
<br />
"Let's do this in one foul swoop."<br />
<br />
"I want to thank each and every one of you for having extinguished yourselves
in this session."<br />
<br />
"We'll run it up the flagpole and see who salutes that booger."<br />
<br />
"I would like to take this time to reirritate my remarks."<br />
<br />
"The average age of a 7 year old in this state is 13."<br />
<br />
"I hate to confuse myself with the facts."<br />
<br />
"We have a permanent plan for the time being."<br />
<br />
"Family planning has many misconceptions."<br />
<br />
"The people in my district do not want this highway bypass, no matter if
it goes through or around the city."<br />
<br />
"My knowledge is no match for his ignorance."<br />
<br />
"As long as I am in the Senate, there will not be a nuclear suppository in
our state."<br />
<br />
"These numbers are not my own; they are from someone who knows what he's
talking about."<br />
<br />
"People planning on getting into serious accidents should have their seat
belts on."<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>October 29, 2023 - Time</b><br />
Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbour and
his wife were told there would be a 45-minute wait for a table.<br />
<br />
"Young man, we're both 90 years old," the husband said. "We may
not have 45 minutes."<br />
<br />
They were seated immediately.<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>October 28, 2023 - Pants Dilemma</b><br />
A young man came home from the office and found his bride sobbing convulsively.
"I feel terrible," she told him. "I was pressing your suit and I
burned a big hole in the seat of your trousers."<br />
<br />
"Forget it," consoled her husband. "Remember that I've got an
extra pair of pants for that suit."<br />
<br />
"Yes, and it's lucky you have," said the woman, drying her eyes.
"I used them to patch the hole."<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>October 27, 2023 - Baseball Quote</b><br />
At the UPS cargo phone center where I worked, a woman called and said, "I
need a baseball quote."<br />
<br />
I immediately answered with Yogi Berra's famous "It ain't over 'til it's
over!"<br />
<br />
There was a brief moment of silence before the woman asked, "What was
that?"<br />
<br />
"You asked me for a baseball quote," I responded, "and that was
the first thing that came into my head."<br />
<br />
"Oh," she replied. "My husband told me to call and get a
baseball quote."<br />
<br />
I asked if she wanted to ship something, and she said she did. Then it dawned
on me: "Do you mean you want a ballpark figure?"<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>October 24, 2023 - Pumpkin Math</b><br />
Q: What do you get if you divide the circumference of your pumpkin by it's
diameter?<br />
<br />
A: Pumpkin Pi<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>October 23, 2023 - Paint</b><br />
Q: What's red and smells like blue paint?<br />
<br />
A: Red paint!<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>October 22, 2023 - Late Arrival</b><br />
A guy shows up late for work. The boss yells "You should have been here at
8:30!"<br />
<br />
He replies: "Why? What happened at 8:30?"<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>October 21, 2023 - Motivating Others</b><br />
John, a neighbor of mine, was annoyed because he had to search for his
newspaper each morning after the paperboy tossed it. Often he would find it,
covered with dirt, under the car in the gravel driveway. Then one-day the
paperboy's mother mentioned that her son's ambition was to play professional
basketball. John had an idea.<br />
<br />
When he got home, he attached a basketball hoop to a post on the front porch.
Sure enough, the next morning there was a resounding "plunk" as the
newspaper sailed through the hoop and landed by the door.<br />
<br />
John never had to search for his paper again.<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>October 20, 2023 - Cake Question</b><br />
While working at Baskin-Robbins, I helped a woman, who was full of questions
about the flavors and types available, pick out an ice-cream cake.<br />
<br />
As I was boxing it up for her, she had one last question:<br />
<br />
"How long do I bake this?"<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>October 17, 2023 - Bulb</b><br />
I went into a major retail establishment and asked an employee in the garden
section whether they sold hyacinth vases. Seeing her blank look, I described a
hyacinth vase, explaining that it has a narrow neck, with space for a flower
bulb on top and water on the bottom. Said the employee, "Have you looked
in Electronics?"<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>October 16, 2023 - Hair Color</b><br />
While talking to a colleague IN PERSON I mentioned that I colored my hair. He
asked me what color.<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>October 15, 2023 - Identification</b><br />
I went to the registry of motor vehicles to renew my license. When I handed the
clerk a check to pay for the license she asked for some identification. I
pointed to the renewed picture license that she was holding in her hand.<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>October 14, 2023 - Internet Gardening</b><br />
My friend's wife insisted on some professional help in the garden, my friend,
being the net-savvy dude that he is, searched Google for a qualified gardener
and scheduled a meeting with the man at his Danville home. That person was
given directions to the house via email and the meeting was set for 11 AM on
Tuesday. At 8 AM my friend received a call from the gardener stating that he
could not find the house, let alone the street name on the map he possessed.<br />
<br />
"Ok, you know where the Burger King is?" My friend asked on the cell
phone, "We're in the homes right behind there."<br />
<br />
"Yea, I know the Burger King, but there is no Hartz Avenue at the
intersection to turn left onto."<br />
<br />
"Ok, which way are you heading, east or west on Danville Blvd?"<br />
<br />
"Why, west I suppose."<br />
<br />
"And you see the Burger King there on the right?"<br />
<br />
"Yes."<br />
<br />
"Ok, then just make a left there, that's Hartz Avenue."<br />
<br />
A little perturbed, the gardener replied, "There is no street off to the
left, it's a dead end."<br />
<br />
"Are you sure you're in Danville?"<br />
<br />
"Heck yea, I've lived round these parts all my life."<br />
<br />
"You're not in San Ramon or something, are you?"<br />
<br />
"There ain't no San Ramon round here. I came in from Shelby City."<br />
<br />
"Where's Shelby City?"<br />
<br />
"Why, it's in Kentucky.<br />
<br />
Where are you?"<br />
<br />
There was a long pause and my friend answered, "California." And hung
up.<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>October 13, 2023 - Mr. Schwartz</b><br />
Mr. Schwartz was the oldest of 7 children, so he had to quit school and work to
help support his younger brothers and sisters. He never learned to read, so
when he married and started a checking account, he signed his checks simply
"XX".<br />
<br />
Eventually he started his own business, which immediately prospered.<br />
<br />
He soon was a very rich man. One day, he got a call from his bank. "Mr.
Schwartz," said the banker, "I need to ask you about this check. We
weren't sure you had really signed it. All these years you've been signing your
checks 'XX', but we just got one that was signed with three XXX's..."<br />
<br />
Mr. Schwartz answered, "No problem, my friend. It's just that since I've
become so wealthy, my wife thought I ought to have a middle name."<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>October 10, 2023 - Arrest Mistake</b><br />
A man is being tailgated by a stressed-out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly
the light turns yellow just in front of him. He does the right thing and stops
at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by
accelerating through the intersection.<br />
<br />
The tailgating woman hits the roof, and the horn, screaming in frustration as
she misses her chance to get through the intersection with him. As she is still
in mid-rant, she hears a tap on her window and looks up into the face of a very
serious police officer. The officer orders her to exit her car with her hands up.
He takes her to the police station where she is searched, fingerprinted,
photographed, and placed in a cell.<br />
<br />
After a couple of hours, a policeman approaches the cell and opens the door.
She is escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer is waiting
with her personal effects. He says, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You
see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping the
guy off in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him." "I
noticed the "Choose Life" license plate holder, the "What Would
Jesus Do" bumper sticker, the "Follow Me to Sunday School"
bumper sticker, and the chrome plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk."<br />
<br />
"Naturally I assumed you had stolen the car."<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>October 9, 2023 - Family Dinner</b><br />
Family dinner was an enjoyable weekly ritual for us. Although my Mother was in
her late 80's she certainly still had the ability to clearly say what was on
her mind.<br />
<br />
This was the first dinner on my sister's beautiful new dining room furniture.
As we all sat enjoying good food and conversation Mom kept squirming in her
chair. Finally, my sister asked, "Are you alright? Are you
uncomfortable?"<br />
<br />
Without looking up from her dinner Mom replied, "No, the chair is."<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>October 8, 2023 - Synthetic Diamond</b><br />
An Irishman by the name of O'Mally proposed to his girl on St. Patrick's Day.
He gave her a ring with a synthetic diamond. The excited young lass showed it
to her father, a jeweler. He took one look at it and saw it wasn't real.<br />
<br />
The young lass, on learning it wasn't real, returned to her future husband and
protested vehemently about his cheapness.<br />
<br />
"It was in honor of St. Patrick's Day," he smiled. "I gave you a
sham rock."<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>October 7, 2023 - Power Lesson</b><br />
A Sunday school teacher said to her children, "We have been learning how
powerful kings and queens were in Bible times. But, there is a higher power.<br />
<br />
Can anybody tell me what it is?"<br />
<br />
One child blurted out, "Aces!"<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>October 6, 2023 - Sister Repair</b><br />
My sister has the courage, but not always the skills, to tackle any home repair
project.<br />
<br />
For example, in her garage are pieces of a lawn mower she once tried to fix. So
I wasn't surprised the day my other sister, Pam, and I found our sister
attacking her vacuum cleaner with a screwdriver.<br />
<br />
"I can't get this thing to cooperate," she explained when she saw us.<br />
<br />
Pam suggested, "Why don't you drag it out to the garage and show it the
lawn mower?"<br />
<br />
<b><br />
October 3, 2023 - Happy Cows</b><br />
Farmer Jones's cows had recently stopped giving good milk. So, he went around
asking for advice, and someone told him that happy cows give good milk. Every
morning he would go out and tell some jokes to his cows, and they would all
laugh. But the rest of the cows in that community thought that the jokes were
pretty stupid.<br />
<br />
Because of this, his cows became the laughing stock of the town.<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>October 2, 2023 - Newborn Utterance</b><br />
The birth of our second child, a daughter, came after a long and difficult
labor. But it was definitely worth it when our beautiful little girl emerged,
perfect in every way.<br />
<br />
Later, in my room, my husband looked at her tenderly, with tears in his eyes.
Then as he glanced up at me, I expected him to utter something truly poetic.<br />
<br />
Instead he asked, "What'd we decide to call her again?"<br />
<br />
<b><br />
October 1, 2023 - Giving</b><br />
The priest said to the poor farmer, "If you had a horse, would you give it
to the Lord?"<br />
<br />
"Yes."<br />
<br />
"And if you had a cow?"<br />
<br />
"Absolutely."<br />
<br />
"And a goat?"<br />
<br />
"Sure."<br />
<br />
"A pig?"<br />
<br />
"Now, that's not fair!" protested the farmer. "You know I have a
pig!"</p>
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Name="table of authorities"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="macro"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="10" QFormat="true" Name="Title"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Signature"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="1" SemiHidden="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
Name="Body Text Indent"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="11" QFormat="true" Name="Subtitle"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="22" QFormat="true" Name="Strong"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="20" QFormat="true" Name="Emphasis"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="Table Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" UnhideWhenUsed="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" Name="Placeholder Text"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="1" QFormat="true" Name="No Spacing"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" Name="Medium List 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" Name="Medium Grid 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" Name="Medium Grid 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" Name="Dark List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" Name="Colorful Shading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" Name="Light Grid Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" SemiHidden="true" Name="Revision"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="34" QFormat="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="29" QFormat="true" Name="Quote"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="30" QFormat="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 1"/>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 1"/>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 2"/>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 3"/>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 4"/>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" Name="Light Shading Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" Name="Light List Accent 6"/>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 6"/>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" Name="Colorful List Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="19" QFormat="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="21" QFormat="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="31" QFormat="true"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="32" QFormat="true"
Name="Intense Reference"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="33" QFormat="true" Name="Book Title"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="37" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" Name="Bibliography"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" SemiHidden="true"
UnhideWhenUsed="true" QFormat="true" Name="TOC Heading"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="41" Name="Plain Table 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="42" Name="Plain Table 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="43" Name="Plain Table 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="44" Name="Plain Table 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="45" Name="Plain Table 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="40" Name="Grid Table Light"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46" Name="Grid Table 1 Light"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51" Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52" Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 1"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 3"/>
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<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 4"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 5"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46"
Name="Grid Table 1 Light Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="Grid Table 2 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="Grid Table 3 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="Grid Table 4 Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="50" Name="Grid Table 5 Dark Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="51"
Name="Grid Table 6 Colorful Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="52"
Name="Grid Table 7 Colorful Accent 6"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="46" Name="List Table 1 Light"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="47" Name="List Table 2"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="48" Name="List Table 3"/>
<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="49" Name="List Table 4"/>
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</p><p class="MsoNormal"><b>September 30, 2023 - First Day Answer</b><br />
The child comes home from his first day at school. His Mother asks, "Well,
what did you learn today?"<br />
<br />
The kid replies, "Not enough. They want me to come back tomorrow."<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>September 29, 2023 - Solution for Sally</b><br />
Eight-year-old Sally brought her report card home from school. Her marks were
good ... mostly A's and a couple of B's. However, her teacher had written
across the bottom:<br />
<br />
"Sally is a smart little girl, but she has one fault. She talks too much
in school. I have an idea I am going to try, which I think may break her of the
habit."<br />
<br />
Sally's dad signed her report card, putting a note on the back:<br />
<br />
"Please let me know if your idea works on Sally because I would like to
try it out on her mother."<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>September 26, 2023 - Shirt Note</b><br />
The trendy dresser fancied himself quite a ladies' man, and was delighted to
find a note pinned inside a new shirt. It contained a girl's name and address,
and asked the recipient to send a photograph. How romantic, he thought to
himself, very taken with the idea of this mystery woman so eager to meet him,
and promptly mailed off a note and a photo.<br />
<br />
Heart aflutter, he opened her response.<br />
<br />
It read, "Thanks for writing. I was just curious to see what kind of guy
would buy such a goofy shirt."<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>September 25, 2023 - Car Repair</b><br />
Wayne, a friend of mine, owns an auto-repair business. One day a woman called
to inquire when he could work on her car. "I'm not busy now," he
replied. "bring it right in."<br />
<br />
A short time later, the woman pulled into the service bay, stopping her small
car perfectly over the wide, deep grease pit.<br />
<br />
"Wow!" Remarked Wayne. "That's great driving. Your wheels only
have a couple of inches to spare on each side of the pit."<br />
<br />
She looked blankly at him and asked, "What pit?"<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>September 24, 2023 - Booty</b><br />
A famous treasure hunter went out one day with all of his diving gear to search
for a treasure box that was supposed to be on a sunken ship. He swam around for
a while and looked where it was supposed to be, but didn't find anything.<br />
<br />
When he was walking out of the water, really close to the shore, he tripped on
something. He started to dig around it and it was the treasure chest he was
looking for.<br />
<br />
All this goes to prove that booty is only shin deep!<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>September 23, 2023 - Dear Dog</b><br />
Dear Dog,<br />
<br />
I am so sorry about you being sent to the dog pound for the broken lamp which
you did not break; the fish you did not spill; and the carpet that you did not
wet; or the wall that you did not dirty with red paint.<br />
<br />
Things here at the house are calmer now, and just to show you that I have no
hard feelings towards you, I am sending you a picture, so you will always
remember me.<br />
<br />
Best regards,<br />
<br />
The Cat<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>September 22, 2023 - War</b><br />
As the regiment moved out, the crowd cheered. One soldier asked another,
"Who are all those cheering people?"<br />
<br />
The veteran answered, "They're the ones who aren't going."<br />
<br />
<b><br />
September 19, 2023 - Cinnamon Rolls</b><br />
At breakfast one day, I eagerly waited for my husband to comment on my first
attempt at homemade cinnamon rolls.<br />
<br />
After several minutes with no reaction, I asked, "If I baked these
commercially, how much do you think I could get for one of them?"<br />
<br />
Without looking up from his paper my husband replied, "About 10 years<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>September 18, 2023 - Reading Glasses</b><br />
I took my 5 year old grandson to the optometrist to pick up his new glasses.
The glasses were prescribed "to help him read and be able to see the
computer better".<br />
When we got back home, he got on the computer to play a game. In a few minutes
he called me and said there was something wrong with his glasses.<br />
<br />
I asked him what was the problem and he said, "I still can't read."<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>September 17, 2023 - Fate</b><br />
A young pupil asked, "Master, what is fate."<br />
<br />
"Ah, my son, it is what has brought great nations together. It has made
the world a smaller place in which to live. It has inspired men of worth to
work endless hours. It will some day enable men to span the universe and light
years of travel will soon become mere seconds in time."<br />
<br />
"And that, my master, is fate?"<br />
<br />
"Oh, fate! I thought you said freight."<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>September 16, 2023 - Rustic Dining</b><br />
As a trail guide in a national park, Danny ate with the rest of the seasonal
staff in a rustic dining hall, where the food left something to be desired.
When they were finished with their meals, they scraped the remains into a
garbage pail and stacked the plates for the dishwasher.<br />
<br />
One worker, apparently not too happy after his first week on the job, was ahead
of Danny in line. As he slopped an uneaten plate of food into the garbage,
Danny heard him mutter, "Now stay there this time."<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>September 15, 2023 - Dog Growth</b><br />
A distraught dog owner called his vet pleading for an immediate appointment. He
explained that his dog had a large growth or swelling near the corner of its
mouth. The vet told him to bring the animal right over.<br />
<br />
When the man came in, the vet examined the dog as the man stood by, anxiously
waiting. At last the vet turned to him and asked, "Do you have any
children?"<br />
<br />
"Oh, good grief, is it contagious?" the man gasped.<br />
<br />
"No," the doctor answered. "It's bubble gum."<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>September 12, 2009 - Store Safety</b><br />
While attending college, I worked evenings at a retail store. On slow nights my
co-worker Susan would often sing along with the radio while we did paperwork or
restocked merchandise.<br />
<br />
One evening as the manager was leaving I expressed my concern to him about our
safety, being two women working alone at night.<br />
<br />
"Oh, you'll be fine," he said, waving of his hand. "If you see
anybody who looks suspicious, just warn him that Susan knows karaoke."<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>September 11, 2023 - Golf Lessons</b><br />
This fellow's wife was constantly nagging him to teach her to play golf.
Finally, one morning he relented and off they go.<br />
<br />
First hole: Par 3, 179 yards, very pretty. The husband steps up first and says,
"Now watch me, and do the same thing." He hits a beautiful shot,
lands on the green with about 30 feet to the cup.<br />
<br />
The wife steps up, drills it, hooks it, and it ricochets off a tree, bounces
off a rock and rolls up onto the green and drops into the cup.<br />
<br />
The husband looks at this, and says, "OK, now you know how to play, let's
go home."<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>September 10, 2023 - Anti-Gravity</b><br />
I found a very interesting book about anti-gravity.<br />
<br />
I just can't put it down!<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>September 9, 2023 - Fax Hint</b><br />
As a professor at the Air Force Institute of Technology, I taught a series of
popular courses on software engineering. The program was highly competitive and
difficult to get into, but one student made our decision whether to accept him
quite simple.<br />
<br />
When asked to fax over his college transcript, the student told me, "Well,
I would, but it's the only copy I have."<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>September 8, 2023 - Ask Jeeves</b><br />
My 50-something friend Nancy and I decided to introduce her mother to the magic
of the Internet. Our first move was to access the popular "Ask
Jeeves" site, and we told her it could answer any question she had.<br />
<br />
Nancy's mother was very skeptical until Nancy said, "It's true, Mom. Think
of something to ask it."<br />
<br />
As I sat with fingers poised over the keyboard, Nancy's mother thought a
minute, then responded, "How is Aunt Helen feeling?"<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>September 5, 2023 - Trail Talk</b><br />
One afternoon I was walking on a trail with my baby daughter, chatting to her
about the scenery.<br />
<br />
When a man and his dog approached, I leaned down to the carriage and said,
"See the doggy?"<br />
<br />
Suddenly I felt foolish talking to my baby as if she understood me.<br />
<br />
However, just as the man passed, he reached down, patted his dog, and said,
"See the baby?"<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>September 4, 2023 - Ship Movie</b><br />
On many U.S. Navy ships the movie screen is suspended amid-ship so that it can
be viewed from both sides. This procedure makes it available to larger crowds
at popular movies, but usually the junior officers get a reverse image from
'the wrong side of the screen.'<br />
<br />
One evening at dinnertime an enterprising young ensign passed the following
word over the officers' IMC circuit: "The movie to be shown in the
wardroom tonight for the senior officers is on the right side of the screen -
The Right-Handed Gun, starring Paul Newman."<br />
<br />
"For the junior officers on the wrong side of the screen - The Left-Handed
Gun, starring Namwen Luap."<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>September 3, 2023 - Nervous Taxpayer</b><br />
A nervous taxpayer was unhappily conversing with the IRS Tax auditor who had
come to review his records. At one point the auditor exclaimed, "Mr. Carr,
we feel it is a great privilege to be allowed to live and work in the USA. As a
citizen you have an obligation to pay taxes, and we expect you to eagerly pay
them with a smile."<br />
<br />
"Wonderful," returned Mr. Carr, with a giant grin on his face from
ear to ear, "I thought you were going to want me to pay with cash!"<br />
<br />
<br />
September 2, 2023 - Reading Problem<br />
A patient came to me to discuss her nine year old son who was having difficulty
reading. The mother was worried that her son was, as she said,
"lysdexic".<br />
"Yes", I answered, "and it tends to run in families".<br />
<br />
"No one else has it" she replied.<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>September 3, 2023 - Paint Bonus</b><br />
The homeowner was delighted with the way the painter had done all the work on
his house. "You did a great job." he said and handed the man a check.
"Also, in order to thank you, here's an extra $80 to take the missus out
to dinner and a movie."<br />
Later that night, the doorbell rang and it was the painter. Thinking the man
had forgotten something he asked, "What's the matter, did you forget
something?"<br />
<br />
"Nope." replied the painter. "I'm just here to take your missus
out to dinner and a movie like you asked."</p>
<p></p>frangipane.org/messageshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10378205780527218537noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5661909112461674565.post-16912904584406578282023-08-01T00:30:00.000-05:002023-08-01T00:30:00.438-05:00August 2023
<p class="MsoNormal"><b>August 29, 2023 - Cake Make Up</b><br />
On Coast Guard cutters, low-ranking crewmembers take turns in the galley
helping the cooks. One young seaman aboard was always dropping dishes and
spilling food.<br />
<br />
One day, alone in the galley, he noticed an unfrosted yellow sheet-cake cooling
on a counter. Determined to rectify past errors, the seaman made chocolate
icing and carefully decorated the cake with it. The seaman stood proudly by the
dessert as the head cook returned to the galley.<br />
<br />
Frantically, the cook began to look around. "Where did my cornbread
go?" he shouted.<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>August 28, 3008 - Fasten Your Seat Belts</b><br />
Flying to Los Angeles from San Francisco the other day, a passenger noticed
that the "Fasten Seat Belts" sign was kept lit during the whole
journey although the flight was a particularly smooth one. Just before landing,
he asked the stewardess about it.<br />
<br />
"Well," she explained, "up front there are 17 University of
California girls going to Los Angeles for the weekend. In back, there are 25
Coast Guard enlistees. What would you do?"<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>August 27, 2023 - Engine Trouble</b>A friend, driving home from a fishing
trip in northern Michigan with his boat in tow, had engine trouble a few miles
inland from Lake Huron. He didn't have a CB radio in his car, so he decided to
use his marine radio to get help. Climbing into his boat, he broadcast his call
letters and asked for assistance. A Coast Guard officer responded,<br />
<br />
"Please give your location."<br />
<br />
"I'm on Interstate-75, two miles south of Standish."<br />
<br />
The officer paused, "Could you repeat that?"<br />
<br />
"I-75, two miles south of Standish."<br />
<br />
A longer pause. Then an incredulous voice asked, "How fast were you going
when you hit shore?"<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>August 26, 2023 - Candidate Test</b><br />
After 50 years preaching from the same pulpit, a much loved pastor decided to
retire. Because the church building was classically elegant, the manse spacious
and comfortable and the congregation large and generous, applications poured
in. The board of elders was faced with the daunting task of sifting through the
resumes to find a replacement. One night the board president voiced his
concerns at home. His computer savvy son said, "Don't worry Dad, I can
create a program to help you."<br />
<br />
The next week the son showed up with his laptop and demonstrated his program
for the board. "The program takes everything into account from the number
of Scripture verses the preacher uses, to the length of the sermon, to the
number of hesitations he uses, and to the congregation reaction. Then it is all
compiled into one easy-to-read graph here on the screen."<br />
<br />
The board agreed that the program might be able to save them a lot of work and
decided to try it.<br />
<br />
The next week the first candidate was scheduled to preach. The son set up the
computer, a microphone and several cameras in the church. The elders observed
that the preaching was a a bit lackluster and that several congregants had
nodded off, but decided to wait until they saw what the computer said.<br />
<br />
After the service, they asked the son, "So how did he rate?"<br />
<br />
The young man replied, "He was a 5 on the rector scale."<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>August 25, 2023 - Picture Menu</b><br />
I stopped at the local Burger King for a cold drink and was reading the menu
over the counter. I noticed a sign to the side that stated "Picture Menu
Available". I had to ask the clerk what it was for and she told me that
they had a number of customers who couldn't read and they used that. Of course
I asked how they would know this picture menu was available and her answer was
the classic,<br />
<br />
"Well, it says so on the sign, doesn't it?"<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>August 22, 2023 - Courtesy</b><br />
It was a Saturday afternoon, and Ray had rushed down to the local supermarket
to hurriedly pick up some hamburger rolls, chips and a few condiments. The big
college game was going to be on, so he was having a few friends over to watch
it.<br />
<br />
The store was loaded with shoppers and as he headed for the six item express
lane, the only one that didn't have a long line, a woman completely ignoring
the overhead sign slipped into the check-out line just in front of him pushing
a cart piled high with groceries.<br />
<br />
Ray was quietly fuming at the anticipated delay. But the elderly cashier
beckoned the woman to come forward, looked into the cart and asked ever so
sweetly, "So Dearie, which six items would you like to buy?"<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>August 21, 2023 - Tense</b><br />
An English teacher at Michigan State University spent a lot of time marking
grammatical errors on her students' written work. She wasn't sure how much
impact she was having until one overly busy day when she sat at her desk
rubbing her temples.<br />
<br />
A student asked, "What's the matter, Mrs. Sheridan?"<br />
<br />
"Tense," she replied, describing her emotional state.<br />
<br />
After a slight pause the student tried again ... "What was the matter?
What has been the matter? What might have been the matter? ... ???"<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>August 20, 2023 - Secure Buildings</b><br />
Why the Military can't communicate with each other. . .<br />
<br />
If you tell the Navy to secure a building, they will turn out the lights and
lock the door.<br />
<br />
If you tell the Army to secure a building, they will occupy it and forbid entry
to those without a pass.<br />
<br />
If you tell the Marines to secure a building, they assault with heavy fire,
capture the building, fortify it and call for an air strike.<br />
<br />
If you tell the Air Force to secure a building, they will negotiate a three
year lease with an option to buy.<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>August 19, 2023 - Freedom</b><br />
Memorial Day weekend was coming up, and the nursery school teacher took the
opportunity to tell her class about patriotism.<br />
<br />
"We live in a great country," she said. "One of the things we
should be happy is that, in this country, we are all free."<br />
<br />
One little boy came walking up to her from the back of the room. He stood with
his hands on his hips and said. . . .<br />
<br />
"I'm not free. I'm four."<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>August 18, 2023 - Plane Programming</b><br />
At a recent computer software engineering course, the participants were given
an awkward question to answer: "If you had just boarded an airliner and
discovered that your team of programmers had been responsible for the flight
control software, how many of you would disembark immediately?"<br />
<br />
Among the ensuing forest of raised hands only one man sat motionless. When
asked what he would do, he replied that he would be quite content to stay aboard.<br />
<br />
With his team's software, he said, the plane was unlikely to even taxi as far
as the runway, let alone take off.<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>August 15, 2023 - How To Know When You Are Ready For Parenthood</b><br />
MESS TEST: Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now rub your hands in
the wet flower bed and rub on the walls. Cover the stains with crayons. Place a
fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.<br />
<br />
TOY TEST: Obtain a 55-gallon box of LEGOs. (If LEGOs are not available, you may
substitute roofing tacks or broken bottles.) Have a friend spread them all over
the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not
scream (this could wake a child at night).<br />
<br />
GROCERY STORE TEST: Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them
with you as you shop at the grocery store. Always keep them in sight and pay
for anything they eat or damage.<br />
<br />
DRESSING TEST: Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff it into a small
net bag making sure that all arms stay inside.<br />
<br />
FEEDING TEST: Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill it halfway with water.
Suspend from the ceiling with a stout cord. Get the jug swinging. Try to insert
spoonfuls of soggy cereal (such as Fruit Loops or Cheerios) into the mouth of
the jug while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on
the floor.<br />
<br />
NIGHT TEST: Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8 to 12
pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 8 PM begin to waltz and hum
with the bag until 9 PM. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00 PM. Get
up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a
dozen more and sing them until 4:00 AM. Set alarm for 5:00 AM. Get up and make
breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.<br />
<br />
PHYSICAL TEST (WOMEN): Obtain a large beanbag chair and attach it to the front
of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 mo. Now remove 10% of the beans.<br />
<br />
PHYSICAL TEST (MEN): Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the
counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store.
Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to
the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.<br />
<br />
FINAL ASSIGNMENT: Find a couple who already has a small child. Lecture them on
how they can improve their child's discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet
training, and table manners. Suggest many things they can improve as well.
Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run riot.
Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you'll have all the answers.<br />
<br />
<b><br />
August 14, 2023 - Bear Flight</b><br />
During Operation Desert Storm, I was a legislative affairs officer for Gen.
Norman Schwarzkopf. Often I was required to transport gifts, sent to him from
patriotic Amerians, from Washington, D.C., to his home base in Florida. On one
trip I "escorted" a four-foot teddy bear dressed in fatigues and
wearing a name tag reading "Bear," the general's nickname.<br />
<br />
As I boarded the plane, I explained my mission to the flight attendant and
asked if she could store the bear in first class. She was honored to do so, and
I disappeared into the coach section. Then, just before takeoff, an
announcement came over the intercom: "Colonel Preast, would you please
come up to first class? We have an extra seat for you to sit next to your teddy
bear."<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>August 13, 2023 - Breakfast Order</b><br />
A guy comes into a coffee shop and places his order.<br />
<br />
He says: "I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights, and a pair of
running boards."<br />
<br />
The waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, goes to the kitchen and says to the
cook. "This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of
headlights and a pair of running boards. What does he think this is, an auto
parts store?"<br />
<br />
"No" the cook says. "Three flat tires means three pancakes, a
pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards is 2 slices
crisp bacon."<br />
<br />
"Oh," says the waitress.<br />
<br />
The waitress thinks about this and then she spoons up a bowl of beans and gives
it to the customer.<br />
<br />
The guy says, "What are the beans for?"<br />
<br />
The waitress replies, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat
tires, headlights and running boards, you might want to gas up."<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>August 12, 2023 - X-Ray Failure</b><br />
The medical student was shocked when he received a failing grade in radiology.
Approaching the professor, he demanded to know the reason for the grade.<br />
<br />
"You know the self X-ray you took?" asked the professor.<br />
<br />
"I do." said the student.<br />
<br />
"A fine picture," the professor said, "of your lungs, stomach,
and liver."<br />
<br />
"If it's a fine picture, then why did you give me an F?" asked the
student<br />
<br />
"I had no choice," said the professor. "You didn't put your
heart into it."<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>August 11, 2023 - Library Argument</b><br />
On a visit to the library I happened to notice a man and a woman, both deaf,
signing with intense gestures, apparently in a heated debate.<br />
<br />
The man said something, and the woman seemed upset. She started signing her
reply very fast, to the point where the man couldn't understand a word; she
also signed in big, wide gestures.<br />
<br />
Finally, looking strained, her companion took her hands, "silencing"
her. The he signed, very small and slowly, "You don't have to shout, I'm
not blind."<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>August 8, 2023 - Flying Star</b><br />
It seems that a young man volunteered for military service during World War II.<br />
<br />
He had such a high aptitude for aviation that he was sent right to Pensacola
skipping boot camp. The very first day at Pensacola he solos and is the best
flier on the base. All they could do was give him his gold wings and assign him
immediately to an aircraft carrier in the Pacific.<br />
<br />
On his first day aboard he took off and single-handedly shot down 6 Japanese
Zeroes. Then climbing up to 20,000 ft. he found 9 more Japanese planes and shot
them all down, too. Noting that his fuel was getting low, he descended, circled
the carrier and came in for a perfect landing on the deck. He threw back the
canopy, climbed out and jogged over to the captain.<br />
<br />
Saluting smartly he said, "Well sir, how did I do on my very first
day?"<br />
<br />
The captain turned around, bowed, and replied, "Ahh soo, you only make one
velly impoltant mistake!"<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>August 7, 2023 - Dangerous Cargo</b><br />
Our Supply Clerk at the factory where I work, discovered a box that was left on
the loading dock with this warning printed on it: DANGER DO NOT TOUCH!<br />
<br />
Management was called and all employees were told to stay clear of the box
until it could be analyzed.<br />
<br />
When the foreman arrived, he donned gloves and safety glasses, and then, very
carefully opened the box. Inside were 25 signs that read: DANGER! DO NOT TOUCH!<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>August 6, 2023 - Defense Contractor</b><br />
My job is in the aerospace industry, and it's always been a challenge to
explain what kind of work I do.<br />
<br />
At one gathering, I tried several unsuccessful attempted explanations before
deciding to be as generic as possible. When the subject came up while I was
talking with a group of guys, I replied simply, "Defense contractor."<br />
<br />
The men nodded, and as the conversation went on, I silently declared victory to
myself. Then, one of them turned to me and asked, "So, what do you put up
mainly? Chain-link?"<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>August 5, 2023 - Vacation Offer</b><br />
A newspaper writer, after working for 17 long years, was finally granted two
months leave, during which time he would be fully paid. However, he turned down
his boss' kind offer.<br />
<br />
The boss asked, "Why would you turn down such a generous offer?" The
newspaper writer said there were 2 reasons.<br />
<br />
"Well, what are they?" asked the boss.<br />
<br />
"The first," he said, "is that I thought that my taking such a
long leave might affect the newspaper's circulation."<br />
<br />
The boss asked him what the other reason was.<br />
<br />
"The other reason," replied the writer, "is that I thought my
taking such a long leave might NOT affect the newspaper's circulation."<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>August 4, 2023 - Midnight Feeding</b><br />
"Grandma, when you and Grandpa had your first baby, did Grandpa ever
handle the middle-of-the-night feeding?"<br />
<br />
"No. I always did that."<br />
<br />
"That must have been before you had women's liberation."<br />
<br />
"No, it was before we had baby bottles."<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>August 1, 2023 - Prison Joke Book</b><br />
It was Mickey's first night in the penitentiary. All of the inmates were in
their cells and he was trying to become a bit more comfortable with his meager
surroundings.<br />
<br />
As he leaned against the bars at the front of his cell, Mickey heard a voice
call out "44" and the whole cell block erupted into laughter!<br />
<br />
Another voice called "16" and again there was laughter.<br />
<br />
A third voice called "62" which was followed by laughter throughout
the block.<br />
<br />
Mickey didn't know what was going on so he rapped on his cell wall.<br />
<br />
"Yeah, whaddaya want?" came the gruff reply from next door.<br />
<br />
"What's going on, here?" asked Mickey.<br />
<br />
"Well," said the other inmate, "down in the prison library
there's only one joke book. We've all read the book so many times that we don't
waste time telling the joke, we just call out it's number."<br />
<br />
So the next day Mickey went down to the library and, sure enough, found the
yellowed, dog-eared joke book and read it from cover to cover.<br />
<br />
That night, wanting to be part of the group, Mickey confidently called out
"44" and everyone laughed! He tried calling "16" and
"62" and again there were peals of laughter. Then he called 57, and
the halls rang with laughter.<br />
<br />
After several minutes, one prisoner was still rolling on the floor laughing.
More minutes - still laughing.<br />
<br />
Mickey rapped on the cell wall.<br />
<br />
"Yeah, waddaya want?" asked the other inmate.<br />
<br />
"I don't understand it," asked Mickey, "Why is Tommy STILL
laughing?"<br />
<br />
"Well," said the gruff inmate, "He'd never heard that one
before!"</p>
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<![endif]-->frangipane.org/messageshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10378205780527218537noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5661909112461674565.post-77687078352977370932023-07-01T00:30:00.002-05:002023-07-01T00:30:00.501-05:00July 2023
<p class="MsoNormal"><b>July 31, 2023 - Odd Facts</b><br />
Q. What occurs more often in December than any other month?<br />
A. Conception.<br />
<br />
Q. What distinguishes "60 Minutes" on CBS from every other TV show?<br />
A. No theme song.<br />
<br />
Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?<br />
A. Their birthplace.<br />
<br />
Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular?<br />
A. Obsession<br />
<br />
Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to count until you
found the letter "A"?<br />
A. One thousand<br />
<br />
Q. What do bullet proof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser
printers all have in common?<br />
A. All invented by women.<br />
<br />
Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?<br />
A. Honey<br />
<br />
Q. There are more collect calls on what day of the year?<br />
A. Father's Day<br />
<br />
Q. What trivial fact about Mel Blanc (voice of Bugs Bunny) is the most ironic?<br />
A. He was allergic to carrots.<br />
<br />
Q. What is an activity performed by 40% of all people at a party?<br />
A. Snoop in your medicine cabinet.<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>July 30, 2023 - Office Visit</b><br />
A middle-aged man walks into a psychologist's office wearing a dancer's tutu,
flippers and a scuba mask.<br />
The psychologist, humoring him, asks, "What seems to be the problem?"<br />
<br />
The man answers, "Well, Doc, I'm worried about my brother..."<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>July 29, 2023 - Murphy's Laws of Law Enforcement</b><br />
New uniforms and ties attract catsup and gravy.<br />
You will never get the urge to use the bathroom until you have left the
station.<br />
Surprise inspections will only occur after you have been in a foot pursuit
through mud.<br />
The Mayor will get a traffic ticket the day before your department negotiates
for a salary increase.<br />
The bigger they are, the harder they fall. Also the harder they punch, kick and
choke.<br />
Never search a dark warehouse with a cop whose nickname is
"Boom-Boom".<br />
Pens never leak onto old uniform shirts.<br />
To err is human, to forgive is against department policy.<br />
Shatterproof flashlights seldom are.<br />
If you park your patrol car in the exact center of the Gobi desert, within 5
minutes someone will pull up and ask for directions.<br />
Glow in the dark sights are just as visible to you as they are to the crook
hiding behind you.<br />
Wearing white socks makes boot zippers break.<br />
Coffee jitters will never bother you until firearm qualification day.<br />
Flashlight batteries never die in the daylight hours.<br />
Your mouthiest traffic violator will be related to the sheriff.<br />
If the crooks are within pistol range, so are you.<br />
The speed with which you respond to a fight in progress is inversely
proportional to how long you have been an officer.<br />
Perfect 10's only show up to talk when you are busy.<br />
Bullet proof vests might be.<br />
Old squad cars never die, they just smell that way.<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>July 28, 2023 - Ice Cream Order</b><br />
A couple in their nineties is having problems remembering things, so they
decide to the go the doctor for a checkup. The doctor tells them that they are
physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them
remember.<br />
<br />
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. His
wife asks, "Where are you going?" "To the kitchen," he
replies. She asks, " Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" The
husband says, "Sure." She gently reminds him, "Don't you think
you should write it down so you can remember it?" He says, "No, I can
remember that!"<br />
<br />
She then says, "Well, I'd like some strawberries on top. You'd better
write it down 'cause I know you'll forget it."<br />
<br />
He says, "I can remember that! You want a bowl of ice cream with
strawberries."<br />
<br />
She adds, "I'd also like whipped cream. Now I'm certain you'll forget
that, so you'd better write it down."<br />
<br />
Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down! I can remember that!
Ice cream with strawberries! And whipped cream!" He then grumbles into the
kitchen.<br />
<br />
After about 20 minutes the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife
a plate of bacon and eggs.<br />
<br />
She stares at the plate for a moment and says, "Where's my toast?"<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>July 25, 2023 - Wake Up!</b><br />
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other
the silent treatment.<br />
<br />
The next week the man realized that he would need his wife to wake him at 5.00
am for an early flight to Sydney. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence,
he finally wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 am".<br />
<br />
The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 am, and that he
had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't
woken him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed..it said...<br />
<br />
"It is 5:00 am, wake up!"<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>July 24, 2023 - 50 Years from Now</b><br />
Three elderly gents were talking about what their grandchildren would be saying
about them fifty years from now.<br />
<br />
"I would like my grandchildren to say, 'He was successful in
business,'" declared the first man.<br />
<br />
"Fifty years from now," said the second, "I want them to say,
'He was a loyal family man.'" Turning to the third gent, he asked,
"So what do you want them to say about you in fifty years?"<br />
<br />
"Me?" the third one replied. "I want them to say, 'He certainly
looks good for his age.'"<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>July 23, 2023 - Twins</b><br />
A friend and I were shopping for dresses for her three-year-old girls to wear
to a wedding. In the store, another girl staring intently at Sarah and Becky
asked, "Are those girls twins?"<br />
<br />
"Actually they're triplets," I said. "They have a brother at
home."<br />
<br />
"Wow," she replied. "They sure look like twins to me."<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>July 22, 2023 - Eternity</b><br />
A number of years ago my wife and I were living in Arkansas, where I was
pastoring a church.<br />
<br />
Some friends came from Texas to visit. We drove them around to see the country
side and drove by a country church that had a cemetery adjoining.<br />
<br />
This couple had twin boys about the age of 5 and as we passed the cemetery one of
the boys said,<br />
<br />
"Look at all those birth stones."<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>July 21, 2023 - Sorting Letters</b><br />
Myrddin had gotten a part time job at the Post Office and the supervisor there
had been warned that he was somewhat of a dullard, but the supervisor took a
liking to him and agreed to let Myrddin help him. If nothing else, he would be
an extra set of hands.<br />
<br />
The supervisor gives Myrddin the job of sorting, and much to everyone's
surprise, Myrddin separated the letters so fast that his motions were literally
a blur.<br />
<br />
Extremely pleased by this, the supervisor approached Myrddin at the end of the
day. "I just want you to know," he said, "that we're all very
proud of you. You're one of the fastest workers we have ever had."<br />
<br />
"Thank you," said Myrddin, "and tomorrow I'll try to do even
better."<br />
<br />
"Better?" the supervisor asked with astonishment. "How can you
possibly do better?"<br />
<br />
Myrddin replied, "Tomorrow I am going to read the addresses."<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>July 18, 2023 - Forgiveness</b><br />
Early in their marriage, my Dad did something really stupid. My Mom chewed him
out for it. He apologized, they made up.<br />
<br />
However, from time to time, my Mom mentioned what he had done.
"Honey," my Dad finally said one day, "why do you keep bringing
that up? I thought your policy was 'forgive and forget.'"<br />
<br />
"It is," she said. "I just don't want you to forget what I've
forgiven and forgotten."<br />
July 17, 2023 - Rain or Shine<br />
It was raining quite hard as U.S. Marine trainees assembled outdoors for a
briefing. On a blackboard, the lieutenant instructor had prepared a detailed
drawing of the tactics he wanted practiced.<br />
<br />
"Don't think we're going to call this off just because of a little
rain," he said.<br />
<br />
Then he turned to the blackboard which had been washed clean.<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>July 16, 2023 - Pants</b><br />
Doug had always been teased by his friends that his wife was more successful
than he was. Some even went so far as to insinuate that he was henpecked.<br />
<br />
Doug had a sense of humor and always laughed it off. One day, one of his fiends
asked the tiresome question again, "Who wears the pants in your
family?"<br />
<br />
"I do," Doug answered. Then, after a pause, he added, "I also
wash and iron them."<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>July 15, 2023 - Under the Bed Fear</b><br />
John went to a psychiatrist: "I've got problems. Every time I go to bed, I
think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy."<br />
<br />
"Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink.
"Come talk to me three times a week, and we should be able to get rid of
those fears."<br />
<br />
"How much do you charge?" John asked warily.<br />
<br />
"Each visit is $150," replied the doctor.<br />
<br />
"Well, I'll sleep on it."<br />
<br />
Six months later the doctor bumped into John on the street: "Why didn't
you ever come to see me about those fears you were having?"<br />
<br />
"Well, one hundred and fifty bucks a visit three times a week for a year
is an awful lot of money! A friend at work cured me for nothing. I was so happy
to have saved all that money that I went and bought myself a new pickup!"<br />
<br />
"Is that so?! And how, may I ask, did your friend cure you?"<br />
<br />
"He told me to cut the legs off the bed!"<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>July 14, 2023 - Trust</b><br />
As a new school principal, Mr. Mitchell was checking over his school on the
first day. Passing the stockroom, he was startled to see the door wide open and
teachers bustling in and out, carrying off books and supplies in preparation
for the arrival of students the next day.<br />
<br />
The school where he had been a Principal the previous year had used a check-out
system only slightly less elaborate than that at Fort Knox.<br />
<br />
Cautiously, he asked the school's long time custodian, "Do you think it's
wise to keep the stock room unlocked and to let the teachers take things
without requisitions?"<br />
<br />
The custodian looked at him gravely. "We trust them with the children,
don't we?"<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>July 11, 2023 - Bosses Night</b><br />
At an annual Bosses Night dinner for Helena, Montana, lawyers, sponsored by
legal secretaries, it was time to announce the Boss of the Year.<br />
<br />
The master of ceremonies began: "First of all, our winner is a graduate of
the University of Montana. So that already eliminates some of you as
candidates."<br />
<br />
"Our winner also is a partner in a downtown Helena law firm. That
eliminates some more of you. "Our nominee is honest, upright,
dedicated..."<br />
<br />
A voice from the audience cut in: "Well, there go the rest of us!"<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>July 10, 2023 - Menu Question</b><br />
My boyfriend and I were lunching at a sidewalk cafe in Huntington Beach, CA.<br />
<br />
Our waitress looked like a real surfer girl: athletic with a great tan and
blond hair. Mulling over the menu, my guy asked her if the roast beef was rare.<br />
<br />
The waitress gave us a long blank look, and then replied, "Well, no. We
have it, like, just about every day."<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>July 9, 2023 - Morning Tea</b><br />
Little Johnny's father was a pastor in a small church. One day, his father told
Little Johnny that a very important bishop was coming and that he would be
staying with them. Little Johnny became very excited and asked his father if he
would get to meet him. His father thought about this and decided that he would
let Little Johnny bring the bishop tea in the morning and wake him up. Little
Johnny agreed to do this and was very excited.<br />
<br />
His father gave him instructions: first, knock on the door of the bishops room
and then say to him "It's the boy, my Lord, it's time to get up."<br />
<br />
Little Johnny was very excited and rehearsed his lines repeating them over and
over. Finally the day came and Little Johnny had learned all his lines. He went
to the door and knocked. He was so excited and nervous though that his lines
got mixed up and the boy said,<br />
<br />
"It's the Lord, my boy, and your time is up!"<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>July 8, 2023 - Health Benefits Of Being Overweight</b><br />
A new report suggests that being overweight is not as harmful as is commonly
believed, and actually confers some surprising benefits.<br />
<br />
Being five to ten pounds overweight could protect people from ailments ranging
from tuberculosis to Alzheimer's disease, research indicates. Those carrying 15
to 25 extra pounds are better able to recover from adverse conditions such as
emphysema, pneumonia, and various injuries and infections, states the report.<br />
<br />
Thirty to forty pounds of flab could help fend off breast, kidney, pancreatic,
prostate, and colon cancer. And an extra fifty pounds on the scale may improve
eyesight, reverse baldness, cure the common cold, and reduce global warming.<br />
<br />
In general, the report concludes, overweight people are happier, more
successful in business, smarter, and friendlier.<br />
<br />
The study was funded by a research grant from McDonald's, Burger King, Jack in
the Box, Taco Bell, Domino's Pizza, Starbucks, Haagen Dazs, Sara Lee, and
Krispy Kreme.<br />
<br />
<br />
July 7, 2023 - Lightning Driving<br />
Two men were talking. One says to the other, "My wife drives like
lightning."<br />
<br />
His friend asked, "She drives fast?"<br />
<br />
"No, she hits trees."<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>July 4, 2023 - Dog Calls</b><br />
Bernard, who is noted for his gracious manners, was awakened one morning at
four forty four a.m. by his ringing telephone. . . "Your dog's
barking, and it's keeping me awake," said an angry voice.<br />
<br />
Bernard thanked the caller and politely asked his name and number before
hanging up.<br />
<br />
The next morning at precisely four forty four a.m., Bernard called his neighbor
back . . .<br />
<br />
"Good morning, Mr. Williams.... Just called to say that I don't *have* a
dog."<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>July 3, 2023 - Drug Store Questions</b><br />
Jacob age 85, and Rebecca age 79 are all excited about their decision to get
married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way home they
pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests that they go in.<br />
<br />
He addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"<br />
<br />
The pharmacist answers: "Yes."<br />
<br />
Jacob: "Do you sell heart medication?"<br />
<br />
Pharmacist: "Of course we do."<br />
<br />
Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"<br />
<br />
Pharmacist: "All kinds."<br />
<br />
Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?"<br />
<br />
Pharmacist: "Definitely."<br />
<br />
Jacob: "Medicine for memory?"<br />
<br />
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety."<br />
<br />
Jacob: "What about vitamins and sleeping pills?"<br />
<br />
Pharmacist: "Absolutely."<br />
<br />
Jacob: "What about sugar diabetes. We both got bad cases."<br />
<br />
Pharmacist: "Oh, but of course. You name it with that condition and we
have the works."<br />
<br />
Jacob: "You have loose bladder and gas pills?"<br />
<br />
Pharmacist: "Yes, there are lots of those with plenty of generics."<br />
<br />
Jacob: "Perfect! We'd like to register here for our wedding gifts."<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>July 2, 2023 - Want that Cart?</b><br />
A man parked his car at the supermarket and was walking past an empty cart when
he heard a woman ask, "Excuse me, did you want that cart?"<br />
<br />
"No," he answered. "I'm only after one thing."<br />
<br />
As he walked toward the store, he heard her murmur, "Typical male."<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>July 1, 2023 - Summer Job Hunt</b><br />
My brother want me to find him a summer job. He asked me to check with my boss,
my friends, my business associates.<br />
Then he asked me to run off 100 copies of his resume, call up the employment
agencies, and write an ad for the Positions Wanted section of the newspaper.<br />
<br />
I asked him what he wanted to call himself in the ad.<br />
<br />
He said, "A self-starter!"</p>
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<![endif]-->frangipane.org/messageshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10378205780527218537noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5661909112461674565.post-77247355963605719542023-06-01T00:30:00.002-05:002023-06-01T00:30:00.442-05:00June 2023
<p class="MsoNormal"><b>June 30, 2023 - Number 1</b><br />
The coach for the little league team had not yet learned the names of all the
players, so he called them by the numbers on their uniforms. He yelled,
"Number 5, your time to bat," and Jeff came to the plate to hit. He
yelled, "Number 7," and Steve jumped up. Then he yelled, "Number
1," but no one got up.<br />
<br />
Again he called out, "Number 1." Still no one emerged from the
dugout. The umpire was getting annoyed at the delay, so the coach yelled out,
"Who's number 1?"<br />
<br />
The entire team responded, "We are, coach. We are!"<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>June 27, 2023 - Charm School 101</b><br />
At one of the last all girl schools in Dallas years ago, the instructor in a
"Charm Course" was urging her students to give their escorts every
chance to be gallant. She said, "Remain seated in the truck until he has
had time to step around and open the door for you."<br />
<br />
Then, returning to reality, she added, "But, if man is in the restaurant
ordering his steak, don't wait any longer."<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>June 26, 2023 - Southern Hospitality</b><br />
A very gentle southern lady was driving across the Savannah River Bridge in
Georgia one day. As she neared the top of the bridge, she noticed a young man
fixin' to jump. She stopped her car, rolled down the window and said,
"Please sir, don't jump, think of your dear mother and father."<br />
<br />
He replied, "Mom and Dad are both dead; I'm going to jump."<br />
<br />
She said, "Well, think of your wife and children."<br />
<br />
He replied, "I'm not married and I don't have any kids."<br />
<br />
Grasping for any opportunity, she cried, "Think of your job, the work
still to be done."<br />
<br />
"I was fired today and have no prospect of another job."<br />
<br />
Running out of ideas, she appealed to his patriotism and said, "Well,
think of Robert E. Lee."<br />
<br />
He replied, ''Who's Robert E. Lee?''<br />
<br />
She replied, ''Well bless your heart sugar, just go ahead and jump."<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>June 25, 2023 - Directions</b><br />
A friend was thinking about buying a new house in the country and asked me to
come out and look at it. We found the town, but we couldn't locate the road. We
drove over to city hall, where a community get-together was going on, and asked
around, but no one had heard of the road. Even the policemen and fire personnel
were stumped.<br />
<br />
We went in to city hall and consulted a map, with no luck, until finally one
young man came to our aid. He pointed to the map, showing us exactly how to get
there. I thanked the young man and asked if he was with the police or fire
department.<br />
<br />
"Neither," he replied. "I deliver pizzas."<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>June 24, 2023 - The Congregation Replied</b><br />
Down in the south, there are many churches known as "answer back"
churches. When the preacher says something, the congregation naturally replies.<br />
<br />
One Sunday, a preacher was speaking on what it would take for the church to
become better. He said "If this church is to become better, it must take
up it's bed, and walk." The congregation said "Let it walk, Preacher,
let it walk."<br />
<br />
Encouraged by their response, he went further. "If this church is going to
become better, it will have to throw aside it's hindrances and run!" The
congregation replied, "Let it run, preacher, let it run!"<br />
<br />
Now really into his message, he spoke stronger. "If this church really
wants to become great, it will have to take up it's wings and fly!"
"Let it fly, Preacher, let it fly!"the congregation shouts.<br />
<br />
The Preacher gets louder. "If this church is going to fly, it will cost
money!"<br />
<br />
The congregation replied. "Let it walk, Preacher, let it walk."<br />
<br />
<b><br />
June 23, 2023 - The Chief's Wife</b><br />
"NEXT," the conference emcee announced, "we have the chief of
the Minnesota State Patrol, Roger Ledding, who is here with his lovely wife,
Beverly."<br />
<br />
The chief took his place at the lectern. "I'm a little nervous," he
began, "getting up before this distinguished audience and speaking today.
But not nearly as nervous as I will be tonight when I must go home with my
wife, Audrey, and explain Beverly to her!"<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>June 20, 2023 - Too Much Sugar</b><br />
A fellow nurse at my hospital received a call from an anxious woman. "I'm
diabetic and I'm afraid I've had too much sugar today," she said.<br />
<br />
"Are you light-headed?" my colleague asked.<br />
<br />
"No," the caller answered, "I'm a brunette."<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>June 19, 2023 - Proud Grandmother</b><br />
An elderly, wealthy woman in Florida was boring fellow beachcombers as she
bragged on and on about her two remarkable grandchildren. Unable to stand it
any longer, a fellow sunbather interrupted her.<br />
<br />
"Tell me, how old are your grandsons?"<br />
<br />
The grandmother gave a grateful smile and replied, "The doctor is four and
the lawyer is six..."<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>June 18, 2023 - Innocence</b><br />
A young girl of 4 was told she needed an X-ray after an accident. Her mother
tried to calm her down, but she was still nervous when the time came for the
X-Ray. When she came out of the X-ray room, however, she seemed relaxed and
just fine. "They took a picture of my bones." she told her mother.<br />
<br />
"Yes, dear," replied the mother. "Did everything go all
right?"<br />
<br />
"Yeah," said the girl. "It was great! I didn't even have to take
my skin off, or anything!"<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>June 17, 2023 - Foot Snuggle</b><br />
On a chilly winter evening, my husband and I were snuggled together on the
floor watching television. During a commercial break, he reached over and gave
my foot a gentle squeeze.<br />
"Mmmmm," I said. "That's so sweet."<br />
<br />
"Actually," he admitted sheepishly, "I thought that was the
remote."<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>June 16, 2023 - Crocheted Dolls</b><br />
There was once a man and woman who had been married for more than 60 years. They
had shared everything.<br />
<br />
They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other
except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that
she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about. For all of these
years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got
very sick and the doctor said she would not recover.<br />
<br />
In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box
and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed that it was time that he should
know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a
stack of money totaling $25,000. He asked her about the contents. "When we
were to be married," she said, "my grandmother told me the secret of
a happy marriage was to never argue.<br />
<br />
She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and
crochet a doll." The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back
tears.<br />
<br />
Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two
times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness.<br />
<br />
"Honey," he said, "that explains the dolls, but what about all
of this money? Where did it come from?"<br />
<br />
"Oh," she said, "that's the money I made from selling the
dolls."<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>June 13, 2023 - Rabbi Returns</b><br />
I returned to my parents' home to attend a funeral. At the temple, my mother
led me to a man who looked vaguely familiar. "Barbara, remember Rabbi
Green?" she asked as she left me in his company.<br />
<br />
I frantically tried to place him, and suddenly it came to me. He was the kind
man who, five years earlier, had officiated at my grandmother's funeral.
"It's good to see you again, Rabbi," I said. "Though I wish it
weren't always under such tragic circumstances."<br />
<br />
The rabbi looked perplexed but uttered some words of consolation before he was
called away. A few minutes later, I rejoined my mother.<br />
<br />
"Imagine,"she whispered, "after all this time, to run into the
rabbi who performed your wedding!"<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>June 12, 2023 - A Simple Explanation of Baseball</b><br />
This is a game played by two teams, one out the other in. The one that's in,
sends players out one at a time, to see if they can get in before they get out.
If they get out before they get in, they come in, but it doesn't count. If they
get in before they get out it does count.<br />
When the ones out get three outs from the ones in before they get in without
being out, the team that's out comes in and the team in goes out to get those
going in out before they get in without being out.<br />
<br />
When both teams have been in and out nine times the game is over. The team with
the most in without being out before coming in wins unless the ones in are
equal. In which case, the last ones in go out to get the ones in out before
they get in without being out.<br />
<br />
The game will end when each team has the same number of ins out but one team
has more in without being out before coming in.<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>June 11, 2023 - 40 Year Difference</b><br />
When I was a 20-something college student, I became quite friendly with my
study partner, a 64-year-old man, who had returned to school to finish his
degree. He confessed, with a wink, that he had once thought more than
friendship might be a possibility between us.<br />
"So what changed your mind?" I asked him.<br />
<br />
"I went to my doctor and asked if he thought a 40-year age difference
between a man and woman was insurmountable. He looked at my chart and said,
'You're interested in someone who's 104?'"<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>June 10, 2023 - Origin of Mankind</b><br />
A little girl asked her father, "How did the human race come about?"<br />
<br />
The father answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so
all mankind was made."<br />
<br />
Two days later she asks her mother the same question.<br />
<br />
The mother answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys, and we developed
from them."<br />
<br />
The confused girl returns to her father and says: "Dad, how is it possible
that you told me that the human race was created by God and Mom says we
developed from monkeys?"<br />
<br />
The Father answers, "That's simple, honey. I told you about the origin of
my side of the family, and your mother told you about her side."<br />
<br />
<br />
June 9, 2023 - Noah's Snakes<br />
Noah opens up the ark and let all the animals out, telling them to "Go
forth and multiply!"<br />
<br />
He's closing the great doors of the ark when he notices that there are two
snakes sitting in a dark corner.<br />
<br />
So he says to them, "Didn't you hear me? You can go now. Go forth and
multiply."<br />
<br />
"We can't," said the snakes. "We're adders."<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>June 6, 2023 - Tennis Ball Lesson</b><br />
A college professor had the mysterious habit of walking into the lecture hall
each morning, removing a tennis ball from his jacket pocket. He would set it on
the corner of the podium. After giving the lecture for the day, he would once
again pick up the tennis ball, place it into his jacket pocket, and leave the
room. No one ever understood why he did this, until one day.<br />
<br />
A student fell asleep during the lecture. The professor never missed a word of
his lecture while he walked over to the podium, picked up the tennis ball and
threw it, hitting the sleeping student squarely on the top of the head.<br />
<br />
The next day, the professor walked into the room, reached into his jacket,
removed a baseball. . . No one ever fell asleep in his class the rest of the
semester!<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>June 5, 2023 - Stress</b><br />
I'm dyslexic, and attended a conference about the disorder with a friend. The
speakers asked us to share a personal experience with the group. I told them
stress aggravates my condition, in which I reverse words and letters when I'm
tense.<br />
<br />
When I finished speaking, my friend leaned over and whispered to me, "Now
I know why you named your daughter Hannah."<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>June 4, 2023 - Young Patient</b><br />
A pediatrician in town always plays a game with some of his young patients to
put them at ease and test their knowledge of body parts. One day, while
pointing to a little boy's ear, the doctor asked him, "Is this your
nose?"<br />
<br />
Immediately the little boy turned to his mother and said, "Mom, I think
we'd better find a new doctor!"<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>June 3, 2023 - New Family Member</b><br />
A few years after I was born, my Dad met a stranger who was new to our small
Ohio town. From the beginning, Dad was fascinated with this enchanting newcomer
and soon invited him to live with our family. The stranger was quickly accepted
and was around from then on.<br />
<br />
As I grew up, I never questioned his place in my family. In my young mind, he
had a special niche. My parents were complementary instructors: Mom taught me
good from evil, and Dad taught me to obey. But the stranger...he was our
storyteller. He would keep us spellbound for hours on end with adventures, mysteries
and comedies.<br />
<br />
If I wanted to know anything about politics, history or science, he always knew
the answers about the past, understood the present and even seemed able to
predict the future! He took my family to the first major league ball game. He
made me laugh, and he made me cry.<br />
<br />
The stranger never stopped talking, but Dad didn't seem to mind.<br />
<br />
Sometimes, Mom would get up quietly while the rest of us were shushing each
other to listen to what he had to say, and she would go to the kitchen for
peace and quiet. (I wonder now if she ever prayed for the stranger to leave.)<br />
<br />
Dad ruled our household with certain moral convictions, but the stranger never
felt obligated to honor them. Profanity, for example, was not allowed in our
home... Not from us, our friends or any visitors. Our longtime visitor,
however, got away with four-letter words that burned my ears and made my dad
squirm and my mother blush.<br />
<br />
My Dad didn't permit the liberal use of alcohol. But the stranger encouraged us
to try it on a regular basis. He made cigarettes look cool, cigars manly and
pipes distinguished. He talked freely (much too freely!) about sex. His
comments were sometimes blatant, sometimes suggestive, and generally
embarrassing.<br />
<br />
I now know that my early concepts about relationships were influenced strongly
by the stranger. Time after time, he opposed the values of my parents, yet he
was seldom rebuked… And NEVER asked to leave.<br />
<br />
More than fifty years have passed since the stranger moved in with our family.
He has blended right in and is not nearly as fascinating as he was at first.
Still, if you could walk into my parents' den today, you would still find him
sitting over in his corner, waiting for someone to listen to him talk and watch
him draw his pictures. His name?.......<br />
<br />
We just call him, 'TV.'<br />
<br />
P. S. He has a wife now....We call her 'Computer'<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>June 2, 2023 - Ohio</b><br />
Apparently I tend to brag too much about my home state of Ohio.<br />
One day I told a long-suffering friend, "You know, the first man in
powered flight was from Ohio. The first man to orbit the earth was from Ohio.
And the first man on the moon was from Ohio."<br />
<br />
"Sounds like a lot of people are trying to get out of Ohio," he
observed.</p>
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<![endif]-->frangipane.org/messageshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10378205780527218537noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5661909112461674565.post-52232799879842696192023-05-01T00:30:00.002-05:002023-05-01T00:30:00.433-05:00May 2023
<p class="MsoNormal"><b>May 30, 2023 - Graveside Observation</b><br />
A newly widowed man stood at the cemetery next to his wife's casket. When the
graveside service had no more than terminated, there was a tremendous burst of
thunder accompanied by a distant lightning bolt and more rumbling thunder.<br />
<br />
The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, "Well, she's
there."<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>May 29, 2023 - Dress Try</b><br />
Customer: I'd like to try on that dress in the window.<br />
<br />
Saleslady: I'm sorry, madam, you'll have to use the fitting room like everyone
else.<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>May 28, 2023 - Waiting for Dark</b><br />
Preparing for a family vacation, Kathy and Matt explained to their young
children that they would be sitting in the car for a very long time. The kids
were told they would not be arriving at their destination until after dark, and
were warned not to keep saying, "Are we there yet?"<br />
<br />
After a few minutes of peaceful driving, four year old Rachel perked up,
"Is it dark yet?"<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>May 27 2023 - Put Him Back</b><br />
When my now 14-year-old daughter was 3 and her younger brother was getting into
everything, she asked, "Mommy, can we put him back, now?"<br />
<br />
Deciding to take this opportunity as a teaching moment in how siblings should
treat each other, I explained to her that we could not put him back - that her
brother was a gift from God.<br />
<br />
She looked up at me with her big blue eyes and responded, "I understand,
Mommy. God didn't want him either."<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>May 26, 2023 - Revelation</b><br />
My wife's family and I were at a Harding University football game. Every time
someone carried the ball or made a tackle, the announcer would broadcast who had
made the play.<br />
<br />
Near the beginning of the third quarter after the announcer called a play, my
niece, Madison, looked up at my wife and innocently asked, "Is that God
talking?"<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>May 23, 2023 - Punishment</b><br />
Even though I'm well into my 30's I still stop by my parents house to mow their
lawn. One afternoon the young kid next door was cutting his grass at the same
time.<br />
<br />
"It's punishment for skipping a day of school," he explained.
"Why are you still doing your folks' yard?"<br />
<br />
"Because I once cut a class when I was your age," I said trying to
keep a straight face.<br />
<br />
I'm told he's had perfect attendance ever since.<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>May 22, 2023 - I Hope I'm Sick</b><br />
A fellow was sitting in the doctor's waiting room, and said to himself every so
often, "Boy, I hope I'm sick!"<br />
<br />
After about the fifth or sixth time, the receptionist couldn't stand it any
longer, and asked, "Why in the world would you want to be sick, Mr.
Jones?"<br />
<br />
The man replied, "I'd hate to be well and feel like this."<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>May 21, 2023 - Kids' Letters to the President</b><br />
Dear Mr. President:<br />
How much money does the president make? Could you please write and tell me
because if it isn't enough money then I will become a dentist. --Timoth, age 7
NY<br />
<br />
What is your favorite book? My mom said it is the Bible because you have to pray
a lot. --Kimberly, age 8, CT<br />
<br />
Dear President Bush:<br />
Can you help with the weather in Seattle? It rains too much. My mom said not
even the president can do anything about the weather. I hope she is wrong. We
need more sunshine in Seattle. --Elizabeth, age 8 WA<br />
<br />
What does Congress do all day? My dad told me that Congress doesn't do anything
but make trouble. --Ralph, FL<br />
<br />
What does the vice president do all day? I have asked a lot of grownups and
nobody knows the answer. --Shannon, age 8 ND<br />
<br />
Dear President Bush:<br />
What size shoes do you wear? My grandfather died last month and he left a lot
of shoes and my brother and I would like to send you and the vice-president a
pair of shoes. Do you like brown shoes or black shoes? We will shine the shoes
before we send them to you. --Joey, age 8 PA<br />
<br />
On TV you didn't answer some questions because you said the answer was
classified. Can I classify my answers? I got into trouble when I admitted I
broke something I shouldn't have touched. If I could say the answer is classified,
I wouldn't be in trouble. --Martin, age 9 PA<br />
<br />
Someday if we have a woman president we will need more closets in the White
House so the president will have room for all her clothes. My mom has three
closets and my sister has two closets and my dad and my brother and I have to
share closets. --Michael, age 8 CA<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>May 20, 2023 - Tail Whacker</b><br />
A woman was working in her yard with the weed whacker, when she accidentally
cut off the tail of her cat. She ran screaming into the house, and told her
husband, wondering what to do.<br />
<br />
He replied calmly, "Get the cat, and the tail, and we'll take them to
Wal-Mart."<br />
<br />
She was incredulous. "How could that possibly help?" she asked.<br />
<br />
"Well," he replied, "they're the world's largest retailer."<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>May 19, 2023 - Marriage Teachings</b><br />
At the banquet of Tom and Susan's 25th wedding anniversary, Tom was asked to
give his friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long
duration.<br />
<br />
"Tell us, Tom, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful
years with your wife?"<br />
<br />
Tom responded, "Well, I've learned that marriage is the best teacher of
all. It teaches you loyalty, forbearance, meekness, self-restraint, forgiveness
-- and a great many other qualities you wouldn't have needed if you'd stayed
single."<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>May 16, 2023 - Prayer</b><br />
A Sunday school teacher asked her class, "What is prayer?"<br />
<br />
One of her pupils answered, "That's a message sent to God at night and on
Sundays, when the rates are lower."<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>May 15, 2023 - One Hard Question</b><br />
There was a student who wanted to be admitted to the University. He was smart
enough to get through the written test, a GED, and was to appear for the
personal interview. Later, as the interview progressed, the interviewer found
this boy to be bright since he could answer all the questions correctly. The
interviewer got impatient and decided to corner the boy.<br />
<br />
"Tell me your choice," said he to the boy, "What's your choice:
I shall either ask you ten easy questions or ONE real difficult. Think well
before you make up your mind."<br />
<br />
The boy thought for a while and said, "My choice is ONE real difficult
question."<br />
<br />
"Well, good luck to you, you have made your own choice!" said the man
on the opposite side. Tell me: What comes first, Day or Night?"<br />
<br />
The boy was jolted first but he waited for a while and said: "It's the
DAY, sir."<br />
<br />
"How???????" the interviewer shot back, smiling. ("At last, I
got you!" he said to himself.)<br />
<br />
"Sorry sir, you promised me that you will not ask me a SECOND difficult
question!"<br />
<br />
The student was admitted to the University.<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>May 14, 2023 - Time Efficiency</b><br />
An efficiency expert was delivering a seminar on time management for a
company's junior executives. He concluded the session with a disclaimer:
"Don't attempt these task-organizing tips at home," he said.<br />
<br />
"Why not?" he was asked.<br />
<br />
"Well, I did a study of my wife's routine of fixing breakfast," he
replied, a little embarrassed. "I noticed she made a lot of trips between
the refrigerator and the stove, the table and the cabinets, each time carrying
only one item. So I asked her, 'Honey, I notice that you make a lot of trips
back and forth carrying one item at a time. If you would try carrying several
things at once you would be much more efficient.'"<br />
<br />
He paused.<br />
<br />
"Did that save time?" one of the executives asked.<br />
<br />
"Actually, yes," the expert answered, "It used to take her
twenty minutes to fix my breakfast. Now I get my own in seven minutes."<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>May 13, 2023 - New Passport Photo</b><br />
Unfortunately, getting a new passport required a new photo. As I handed my
ten-year-old passport and the new picture to the clerk, I sighed. "I like
the original better," I told her.<br />
<br />
"Trust me," she said. "Ten years from now, you'll like this
one."<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>May 12, 2023 - Bus Sto</b>p<br />
Once there was couple traveling on a bus in a mountainous area. Close to their
destination they decided to get off a bit early and enjoy a short walk the rest
of the way.<br />
<br />
After the couple got off the bus, it proceeded on its route but 100 feet later a
huge boulder fell on the bus, crushing it and killing everybody on board.<br />
<br />
Upon see this happen the couple said " We wish we were on that bus"<br />
<br />
Why do you think they said that?<br />
<br />
Think about it and then scroll down for the answer.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
--------- Answer !!!! ---------<br />
<br />
If the couple had remained on the bus instead of deciding to get off, the
resulting time delay would have been avoided and the rock would have fallen
after the bus had passed.<br />
<br />
Remember and consider others in life.<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>May 9 2023 - Flight Observation</b><br />
On a recent flight, an elderly passenger kept peering out the window. Since it
was totally dark, all she could see was the blinking wing-tip light. Finally,
she rang for the flight attendant.<br />
<br />
"I'm sorry to bother you," she said, "but I think you should
inform the pilot that his left-turn indicator is on and has been for some
time."<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>May 8, 2023 - Grouchiness</b><br />
While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for
lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant and resumed their
trip. When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table
and she didn't miss them until they had been driving about twenty minutes.<br />
<br />
By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before
they could find a place to turn around, in order to return to the restaurant to
retrieve her glasses.<br />
<br />
All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man. He
fussed and complained and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire
return drive. The more he chided her, the more agitated he became. He just
wouldn't let up one minute.<br />
<br />
To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant. As the woman got out of
the car and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, her husband yelled to her,
"While you're in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit
card."<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>May 7, 2023 - First I Got</b><br />
Elmer says, "First, I got tonsillitis, followed by appendicitis and
pneumonia. After that I got erysipelas with hemachromatosis. Following that I
got poliomyelitis and finally ended up with neuritis. Then they gave me
hypodermics and inoculations."<br />
<br />
Calvin says, "Boy, you had quite a time!"<br />
<br />
Elmer replies, "I'll say! I thought I'd never pull trough that spelling
test."<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>May 6, 2023 - Birthing Spa</b><br />
My pregnant daughter and her husband were checking out a new birth facility
that was more like a spa. The birthing room had a hot tub, soft music and
candlelight. "What do you think?" she said.<br />
<br />
He looked around. "Isn't this how we got here in the first place?"<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>May 5, 2023 - Transcribing Confusion</b><br />
We were thoroughly confused. While transcribing medical audiotapes, my
co-worker came upon the following garbled diagnosis: "This man has
pholenfrometry."<br />
<br />
Knowing nothing about that particular condition, she double-checked with Doctor
Mike Wilson. After listening to the tape, he shook his head.<br />
<br />
"This man," he said, translating for her, "has fallen from a
tree."<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>May 2, 2023 - Things I Wish I'd Known Before I Dated</b><br />
~ Never date anyone who is rude to the waiter/waitress.<br />
<br />
~ Never date anyone who is rude to their mother.<br />
<br />
~ If they have a tendency to be rude to you now, just wait.<br />
<br />
~ If you date someone who doesn't share your standards, they'll lower yours.<br />
<br />
~ The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship: "I
apologize" and "You are right."<br />
<br />
~ Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.<br />
<br />
~ If he/she says you're too good for him/her, believe it.<br />
<br />
~ If they have a tough time apologizing now, just wait.<br />
<br />
~ Never date anyone who spends more time gazing into the mirror, than they
spend gazing into your eyes.<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>May 1, 2023 - Glazier</b><br />
My son is the manager of a glass and window company and advertised in the paper
for experienced glaziers. Since a good glass man is hard to find, he was
pleased when a man who called about the job said he had over 10 years of
experience.<br />
<br />
"Where have you worked as a glazier?" my son asked.<br />
<br />
The man replied, "Dunkin' Donuts."</p>
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<![endif]-->frangipane.org/messageshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10378205780527218537noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5661909112461674565.post-5715958037879425982023-04-01T00:30:00.002-05:002023-04-01T00:30:00.504-05:00April 2023
<p class="MsoNormal"><b>April 30, 2023 - Approval Letter</b><br />
After trying a new shampoo for the first time, Dewey mailed off an enthusiastic
letter of approval to the manufacturer.<br />
<br />
Several weeks later he came home from work to a large carton in the middle of
the floor. Inside were free samples of the many products the same company
produced: soaps, detergents, tooth paste, and paper items... with a "thank
you" note from the manufacturer.<br />
<br />
"Well, What do you think?" asked his smiling wife, Olga.<br />
<br />
"I think that next time," Dewey replied. "I'm writing to
Toyota".<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>April 29, 2023 - Leaky Pipe</b><br />
A lady answered her front door to find a plumber standing there. "I'm here
to fix the leaky pipe," he announced.<br />
<br />
"I didn't call a plumber," said the lady.<br />
<br />
"What?" huffed the plumber. "Aren't you Mrs. Frobisher?"<br />
<br />
The Frobishers moved out of this house over a year ago," explained the
lady.<br />
<br />
"How do you like that," grunted the plumber. "They call you up
and tell you it's an emergency and then they move away!"<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>April 28, 2023 - Call Boxes</b><br />
A friend of mine was visiting a college, which had those security call boxes
every few hundred feet. If you were wandering around the campus at night and
felt uneasy about somebody following you, for instance, you could hit the
button and have a security officer come investigate immediately.<br />
<br />
On one of these phones hung a sign that said, "Out of Order."<br />
<br />
Underneath it someone had scrawled, "Keep Running!"<br />
<br />
<b><br />
April 25, 2023 - Mechanic Applicant</b><br />
A man is applying for a job as mechanic that he really wants to get. The boss
says, "Can you roll your hard hat down your arm and pop it back on your
head?"<br />
<br />
The mechanic nods, confused.<br />
<br />
"Can you play light saber with your wrench and another man's
screwdriver?"<br />
<br />
"Oh yes," says the mechanic.<br />
<br />
"Can you bounce your screwdriver off the cement, grab it, whirl it around
and put it in your belt like a gun?"<br />
<br />
"Sir, I've been doing that for years!" says the wanna-be mechanic.<br />
<br />
"Well in that case, I can't use you. I have 12 men doing that
already!" says the boss.<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>April 24, 2023 - Work</b><br />
One of our co-workers went missing for a few hours, and we tore up the place
looking for him. The boss finally found him fast asleep. Rather than wake him,
he quietly placed a note on the man's chest...<br />
<br />
"As long as you're asleep," it read, "you have a job. But as
soon as you wake up, you're fired!"<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>April 23, 2023 - Dewey Check</b><br />
I walked into my sister's kitchen and found my nephew, Dewey, having a snack.<br />
<br />
"Where's your mother?" I asked.<br />
<br />
"She said she was going to have a shower. Just a second, I'll see."<br />
<br />
Dewey went to the kitchen tap and turned the hot water on full blast.<br />
<br />
An indignant yell came from above.<br />
<br />
Dewey calmly turned off the tap and said, "Yep, she's in the shower."<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>April 22, 2023 - Raise</b><br />
Our boss told us that she is planning a salary raise. One of the guys asked,
"When does it become effective?"<br />
<br />
The boss answered, "As soon as you do."<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>April 21, 2023 - Blind Date Slap</b><br />
An 85-year-old widow went on a blind date with a 90-year-old man. When she
returned to her daughter's house later that night, she seemed upset.<br />
"What happened, Mother?" the daughter asked.<br />
<br />
"I had to slap his face three times!"<br />
<br />
"You mean he got fresh?"<br />
<br />
"No," she answered, "I thought he was dead."<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>April 18, 2023 - Decision</b><br />
A group of junior-level executives were participating in a management training
program. The seminar leader pounded home his point about the need to make
decisions and take action on these decisions.<br />
<br />
"For instance," he said, "if you had five frogs on a log and
three of them decided to jump, how many frogs would you have left on the
log?"<br />
<br />
The answers from the group were unanimous: "Two."<br />
<br />
"Wrong," replied the speaker, "there would still be five because
there is a difference between deciding to jump and jumping."<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>April 17, 2023 - Paul Top Ten</b><br />
TOP TEN THINGS THE APOSTLE PAUL WOULD HAVE DONE IF HE HAD A PC<br />
10. Download MP3's of the Righteous Brothers for entertainment while on those
long, tedious missionary journeys<br />
9. Visit WebMD.com about that persistent pain in flesh<br />
8. Spiritual armor would include virus protection software<br />
7. "To live is Christ, to die is to have a 28K modem"<br />
6. Book boat tickets using Priceline.com<br />
5. E-mail pictures of Peter eating pork to the gang back in Jerusalem<br />
4. Church officers: Pastor, Elder, Deacon, System Administrator<br />
3. Use decryption software to interpret tongues<br />
2. Describe conversion experience as the "Divine Reboot"<br />
1. Add Spam to list of cardinal sins<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>April 16, 2023 - GI Rally</b><br />
It was World War II, and the captain was attempting to rally the GIs on the eve
of a big offensive.<br />
<br />
"Out there," said the captain, "is your enemy. The man who has
made your life miserable, who is working to destroy you; the man who has been
trying to kill you day after day throughout this war."<br />
<br />
Private Johnson jumped to his feet. "The cook's working for the
Germans!"<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>April 15, 2023 - Replacement Cat</b><br />
Mr. Frobisher walked anxiously to the house and knocked.<br />
<br />
When a nice old lady answered, he said very sad, “I’m sorry, madam, but I have
some bad news. “I’m afraid I have run over your cat. I… I would like to replace
it.”<br />
<br />
The little lady looked him up and down and said, “I’m game, but how are you at
catching mice?”<br />
<br />
<b><br />
April 14, 2023 - 1-800-45TEACH</b><br />
A high school senior, saw an inspirational advertisement on television about
becoming a teacher. She called the number shown: 1-800-45TEACH. After a woman
answered, the student babbled on about how she thought she had found her life's
calling and could she send her some information.<br />
<br />
The lady who answered the phone asked the student what number she was calling.
The student told her and there was a long pause.<br />
<br />
Then the woman said, "You misspelled teach."<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>April 11, 2023 - Kitten Revival</b><br />
A mother looked out a window and saw Johnny playing church with their three
kittens. He had them lined up and was preaching to them. The mother turned
around to do some work.<br />
<br />
A while later she heard meowing and scratching on the door. She went to the
window and saw Johnny baptizing the kittens. She opened the window and said,
"Johnny, stop that! You'll drown those kittens."<br />
<br />
Johnny looked at her and said with much conviction in his voice: "They
should had thought of that before they joined my church."<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>April 10, 2023 - Childhood</b><br />
When my wife's sister, Patty, was very young, she was allowed to have her best
friend, a boy named Rory, over to spend the night. As the children grew toward
adolescence, their parents knew that someday the sleepovers would have to end.<br />
<br />
One night, when Rory and his family were visiting, everyone gathered around the
television to watch the Miss America pageant. When Patty asked if Rory could
stay over, the parents hesitated, wondering if the time had finally come to
discontinue the tradition. At that moment, the pageant host announced a contestant's<br />
measurements: 36-22-36.<br />
<br />
"Rory," his mom asked, "what are those numbers?"<br />
<br />
The boy thought for only a moment before responding, "Ninety-four?"<br />
<br />
Rory got to spend the night.<br />
<br />
<b>April 9, 2023 - Overdue Rent</b><br />
Walpole had lived in his loft for six months, and by now it was filled with the
paintings he had created. He worked day and night, stopping only occasionally
for something to eat.<br />
<br />
He thought little about food and less about sleep. But what he thought about
least of all was his rent.<br />
<br />
As a result, his landlord now stood before him, demanding the three months'
rent Walpole owed on the loft.<br />
<br />
"Give me a couple of weeks," Walpole pleaded. "I know I'm on the
verge of making some sales."<br />
<br />
"Absolutely not," the landlord said. "You gave me that story
last month. You won't get another day's credit from me."<br />
<br />
"Look," Walpole said, "think of it as an investment. Some day
this loft will be famous, and you'll be able to charge a fortune for it. In a
few years, people will come into this disgusting loft and whisper, 'Walpole
used to paint here.'"<br />
<br />
"Pay your rent now," the landlord said, "or they'll be able to
say it tomorrow morning."<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>April 8, 2023 - Quality of Life</b><br />
A man and his wife are sitting in the living room and he says to her:<br />
<br />
"Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state dependent on
some machine. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."<br />
<br />
His wife gets up and unplugs the TV.<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>April 7, 2023 - Worst Horse Ever</b><br />
A jockey is in the parade ring discussing race tactics with the horse's trainer.
The trainer tells the jockey that this is the worst horse he has ever seen. It
has had 23 races and finished last in every one of them. If it doesn't win
today the milkman will be using it for deliveries in the morning.<br />
<br />
The jockey mounts up and takes the horse down to the start.<br />
<br />
The race begins and the horse is immediately 10 lengths behind the pack. So the
jockey gives the horse an sharp thwap on the shoulder.<br />
<br />
Nothing.<br />
<br />
He then gives him a series of strikes on the rump.<br />
<br />
Nothing.<br />
<br />
He then gives him two wallops right on the hindquarters.<br />
<br />
The horse comes to a sudden stop, turns to the jockey and says "Give it a
rest with that whip, will ya, buddy? I have to be up at four in the morning to
deliver milk."<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>April 4, 2023 - New Apartment</b><br />
A property manager of single-family residence was showing a unit to prospective
tenants and asking the usual questions.<br />
<br />
"Professionally employed?" he asked.<br />
<br />
"We're a military family," the wife answered.<br />
<br />
"Children?"<br />
<br />
"Oh, yes, ages nine and twelve," she answered proudly.<br />
<br />
"Animals?"<br />
<br />
"Oh, no," she said earnestly. "They're very well behaved."<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>April 3, 2023 - Wrong Mower Guy</b><br />
Top 10 Signs You've Hired The Wrong Guy To Mow Your Lawn:<br />
<br />
10. He shows up with a pair of nail clippers and a Ziploc bag<br />
9. On the side of his mower you notice the stenciled silhouettes of 13 cats<br />
8. Stops frequently to nap inside the grass-catcher<br />
7. Always trying to impress you by stopping the mower blades with his head<br />
6. You notice him shoving the last of his clothes into the mulcher<br />
5. He's fascinated by the details of you home security system<br />
4. Stops every couple of minutes to smoke some clippings<br />
3. Somehow manages to mow the hood ornament off your Lexus<br />
2. Turns a goat loose and says he'll be back in three weeks<br />
1. No toes<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>April 2, 2023 - Cadet Sign</b><br />
When my brother was a cadet at the U.S. Air Force Academy, there was an
overhead walkway with a sign reading "Bring Me Men."<br />
<br />
As my parents were touring the grounds during Parents' Weekend, they could tell
that some of the cadets were homesick. The sign had been changed to "Bring
Me Mom."<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>April 1, 2023 - News</b><br />
The shipwrecked sailor had spent several years on a deserted island. Then one
morning he was thrilled to see a ship offshore and a smaller vessel pulling out
toward him.<br />
<br />
When the boat grounded on the beach, the officer in charge handed the marooned
sailor a bundle of newspapers and told him, "With the captain's
compliments. He said to read through these and let us know if you still want to
be rescued."</p>
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<p class="MsoNormal"><b>March 31, 2023 - Fan Help</b><br />
Although I have three sons, it was always my daughter who helped me with chores
around the house.<br />
One day we decided to install ceiling fans in the bedrooms. We thought it would
take about an hour, but the task turned into an all-day job.<br />
<br />
"Thanks, Sweetie," I said gratefully when we were finished.<br />
<br />
"No problem," she replied as she put away the tools. "Just think
of me as the son you never had."<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>March 28, 2023 - 65 At Least</b><br />
A policeman stops a speeding car and tells the woman driver; When I saw you
driving down the road, I thought to myself, "sixty-five at least."<br />
<br />
The woman replied: I don't think that is quite fair. I think this hat makes me
look older.<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>March 27, 2023 - Found Wallet</b><br />
While shopping in a supermarket in Washington, D.C., I heard over the PA
system:<br />
<br />
"A wallet containing a large sum of money was found, but it contains no
ID. Will those laying claim to it please form a double line at the customer
service counter?"<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>March 26, 2023 - Wallet Tip</b><br />
Leaving a plush night club one evening, a miserly gentleman walked past the
doorman without tipping him.<br />
<br />
Never the less, the doorman helped the man into a taxi with a flourish and said
pleasantly, "By the way, in case you happen to lose your wallet on the way
home, sir, just remember that you didn't pull it out here."<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>March 25, 2023 - White Gloves</b><br />
Frequent hand washing in my job as a medical technologist and the harsh weather
combined give me very dry skin.<br />
<br />
One night as I prepared for bed, I rubbed my hands with petroleum jelly and
covered them with an old pair of white gloves. As I sat in bed reading a book
with my gloves on, my husband finished showering and came into the room wearing
a towel.<br />
<br />
Drying himself off, he went to the closet, selected a tie and put it on.
"What are you doing?" I asked.<br />
<br />
"Well" he replied, "if you are going to be formal. So am
I."<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>March 24, 2023 - Computer Repair</b><br />
An office technician got a call from a computer user. The user told the tech
that her computer was not working. She described the problem and the tech
concluded that her computer needed to be brought in and serviced.<br />
<br />
He told her, "Unplug the power cord and bring it up here and I'll fix it
for you."<br />
<br />
About ten minutes later she showed up at his door... with the electrical cord
in her right hand.<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>March 21, 2023 - Reality</b><br />
On a tour of Mammoth Cave in Kentucky, the guide stopped and addressed the crowd.
"Do you want to see what a real cave looks like?" he asked.<br />
<br />
Of course, everyone said yes.<br />
<br />
Without another word, he shut off all the lights.<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>March 20, 2023 - Horseshoe Look</b><br />
One day a cowboy walked into a blacksmith shop and picked up a horseshoe, not
realizing that it had just come from the forge.<br />
He immediately dropped it and jammed his hand into his pocket, trying to act as
if nothing had happened.<br />
<br />
The blacksmith noticed and asked with a grin, "Kind of hot, wasn't
it?"<br />
<br />
"Nope," answered the cowboy through clenched teeth, "it just
doesn't take me long to look at a horseshoe."<br />
<br />
<b><br />
March 19, 2023 - The Other Side</b><br />
A sick man turned to his doctor, as he was preparing to leave the examination
room and said, "Doctor, I am afraid to die. Tell me what lies on the other
side."<br />
<br />
Very quietly, the doctor said, "I don't know."<br />
<br />
"You don't know? You, a Christian man, do not know what is on the other
side?"<br />
<br />
The doctor was holding the handle of the door; on the other side came a sound
of scratching and whining, and as he opened the door, a dog sprang into the
room and leaped on him with an eager show of gladness.<br />
<br />
Turning to the patient, the doctor said, "Did you notice my dog? He's
never been in this room before. He didn't know what was inside. He knew nothing
except that his master was here, and when the door opened, he sprang in without
fear. I know little of what is on the other side of death, but I do know one
thing. I know my Master is there and that is enough."<br />
<br />
<b><br />
March 18, 2023 - Found Cell Phone</b><br />
When a customer left his cell phone in my store, I scrolled through his saved
numbers, stopped at "Mom" and pushed send. His mother answered, and I
told her what happened.<br />
<br />
"Don't worry," she said, "I'll take care of it."<br />
<br />
A few minutes later, the cell phone rang. It was "Mom."<br />
<br />
"Martin," she said, "you left your cell phone at the convenience
store."<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>March 17, 2023 - Circles</b><br />
During basic army training, a sergeant was telling his group how a submachine
gun sprayed bullets. He drew a circle on a blackboard and announced that it had
260 degrees.<br />
<br />
“But, sergeant, all circles have 360 degrees,” remarked one of the trainees.<br />
<br />
“Don’t be stupid,” the sergeant roared. “This is a small circle.”<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>March 14, 2023 - Dog Dance Lessons</b><br />
This guy decides he wants his dog to be able to dance, so he enrolls the pet in
dance classes. Dutifully, he takes this dog to class every week, but he sees no
improvement. Finally, he takes the instructor aside and says, "I'm
spending a fortune here. Why isn't my dog's dancing improving?"<br />
<br />
"I'm sorry," the instructor replies, "but there's not much I can
do. Your dog has two left feet."<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>March 13, 2023 - Invitation</b><br />
A nurse on the pediatric ward, before listening to the little ones chests,
would plug the stethoscope into their ears and let them listen to their own
hearts. Their eyes would always light up with awe, but she never got a response
equal to four-year old David's comment.<br />
<br />
Gently she tucked the stethoscope into his ears and placed the disk over his
heart. "Listen", she said..........."What do you suppose that
is?"<br />
<br />
He drew his eyebrows together in a puzzled line and looked up as if lost in the
mystery of the strange tap - tap - tapping deep in his chest. Then his face
broke out in a wondrous grin and he asked, "Is that Jesus knocking?"<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>March 12, 2023 - Tea Service</b><br />
One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me and my brother who is
four years older than I am. I was maybe 1 and a half years old and had just
recovered from an accident in which my arm had been broken. Someone had given me
a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and it was one of my favorite toys. Daddy
was in the living room engrossed in the evening news and my brother was playing
nearby in the living room when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was
just water.<br />
<br />
After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came
home. My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of
tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!!'<br />
<br />
My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for
Daddy and she watches him drink it up, then says, 'Did it ever occur to you
that the only place that baby can reach to get water is the toilet??'<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>March 11, 2023 - Romance</b><br />
"Do you love me with all your heart and soul?" asked Becky on
Valentines Day.<br />
<br />
"Mmm hmm." replied Dave.<br />
<br />
"Do you think I'm the most beautiful girl in the world?"<br />
<br />
"Mmm hmm."<br />
<br />
"Do you think my lips are like rose petals?"<br />
<br />
"Mmm hmm."<br />
<br />
"Oh Dave," gushed Becky, "you say the most beautiful
things!"<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>March 10, 2023 - The End is Near</b><br />
A local priest and pastor stood by the side of the road holding up a sign that
said, "The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it's too
late!" They planned to hold up the sign to each passing car.<br />
<br />
"Leave us alone, you religious nuts!" yelled the first driver as he
sped by.<br />
<br />
From around the curve they heard a big splash.<br />
<br />
"Do you think," said one clergy to the other, "we should just
put up a sign that says 'bridge out' instead?"<br />
<br />
<b><br />
March 7, 2023 - Stocking Purchase</b><br />
Walking into a lingerie store, a customer says to the clerk, "I'd like to
buy a pair of stockings for my wife."<br />
<br />
The clerk asks, "Sheer?"<br />
<br />
The man replies "No. She's in another store."<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>March 6, 2023 - Winter in Wisconsin</b><br />
It's winter in Wisconsin<br />
And the gentle breezes blow,<br />
70 miles per hour<br />
At 52 below!<br />
Oh, how I love Wisconsin<br />
When the snow's up to your butt.<br />
You take a breath of winter air<br />
And your nose is frozen shut.<br />
<br />
Yes, the weather here is wonderful,<br />
I guess I'll hang around.<br />
I could never leave Wisconsin,<br />
'Cause I'm frozen to the ground.<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>March 5, 2023 - Physical Question</b><br />
After getting a physical from my doctor, I asked, "Well Doc, how do I
stand?"<br />
<br />
The doctor said, "That's what puzzles me."<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>March 4, 2023 - Heredity</b><br />
With her brown eyes and curly hair, our youngest daughter takes after my
husband. At three, she was a lively, mischievous girl, and people often
remarked on how cute she was. One day I was standing with her in the
supermarket when a woman commented on how cute she was.<br />
<br />
My smile disappeared when she asked, "Is she really yours?"<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>March 3, 2023 - Psychology Course</b><br />
During a phone conversation, my nephew mentioned that he was taking a
psychology course at the university.<br />
<br />
"Oh, great," I said. "Now you'll be analyzing everyone in the
family."<br />
<br />
"No, no," he replied. "I don't take abnormal psychology until
next semester."</p>
frangipane.org/messageshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10378205780527218537noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5661909112461674565.post-73095215375575181502023-02-01T00:30:00.002-06:002023-02-01T00:30:00.203-06:00February 2023
<p class="MsoNormal"><b>February 29, 2023 - God's Will</b><br />
A young man asked his father following the Church service “Dad, is God going to
die?”<br />
<br />
“Of course not, God can’t die” replied his father, “why do you ask?”<br />
<br />
The son answered, “The Pastor kept saying that God’s will was being done.”<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>February 28, 2023 - Birds and Bees</b><br />
Donald Ogden Stewart, the writer, had a son away at prep school. When the boy
reached the age of fourteen, Stewart wrote him the following letter:<br />
"Dear son, now that you have reached the magic age of fourteen, the time
has come to tell you about the bees and flowers. There is a male and a female
bee, although I haven't the slightest idea which is which. As for the flowers,
we get ours from the Plaza Florist, Inc. Well, that takes care of that.<br />
<br />
Write soon,<br />
<br />
Affectionately,<br />
<br />
Father<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>February 27, 2023 - Toilet Theft</b><br />
Police in New Zealand were mystified by the apparent theft of a complete toilet
bowl from a police station in Auckland.<br />
<br />
When a local news reporter asked the police sergeant if they had any leads, he
replied, "At present we have nothing to go on."<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>February 26, 2023 - Mom's Phone</b><br />
Because my mother had a habit of losing her cordless phone, I bought her a
phone with a clip on it so she could attach it directly to her belt. A few days
later, I walked into my mother's home and found her standing in the middle of
the living room, halfway dressed. That didn't strike me as odd so much as the
fact that she was holding her pants to the side of her head and speaking into
them.<br />
<br />
"Don't look at me that way," she yelled. "The phone started
ringing and I couldn't figure out how to undo this stupid clip!"<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>February 25, 2023 - Cleaning Job</b><br />
Fresh out of high school, I found a job cleaning the elegant home of an older
couple. Among other duties, I had to dust their many imported carvings and
petrified collectibles, as well as pick up after their pets.<br />
<br />
One day, I was astonished to find two ivory fossils lying on the floor beside
the bookcase. I quickly picked them up, and put them back on the shelf. The
next week, the same thing happened.<br />
<br />
That afternoon, my employer came into the parlor, her faithful dog behind her.
Looking around, she eyed the bookcase. "Nya," she asked the dog,
"how in the world do you keep getting your bones up there?"<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>February 22, 2023 - Answered Prayer</b>During the minister's prayer, one
Sunday, there was a loud whistle from one of the back pews. Gary's mother was
horrified. She pinched him into silence and, after church, asked, "Gary,
whatever made you do such a thing?"<br />
<br />
Gary answered, soberly, "I asked God to teach me to whistle. and He just
then did!"<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>February 21, 2023 - Shopping Bags</b><br />
It was very crowded at the supermarket, and the customer in front of me had a
large order. As the harried looking clerk lifted the final bag for her, its
bottom gave way, sending the contents crashing to the floor.<br />
<br />
"They just don't make these bags like they used to," the clerk
blurted to the customer. "That was supposed to happen in your
driveway!"<br />
<br />
<br />
February 20, 2023 - Frisbees<br />
The other day I was standing in the park wondering why Frisbees get bigger and
bigger the closer they get.<br />
<br />
Then it hit me.<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>February 19, 2023 - Stolen Turkey</b><br />
Ducking into confession with a turkey in his arms, Brian said, "Forgive
me, Father, for I have sinned. I stole this turkey to feed my family. Would you
take it and settle my guilt?"<br />
<br />
"Certainly not," said the Priest. "As penance, you must return
it to the one from whom you stole it."<br />
<br />
"I tried," Brian sobbed, "but he refused. Oh, Father, what
should I do?"<br />
<br />
"If what you say is true, then it is all right for you to keep it for your
family."<br />
<br />
Thanking the Priest, Brian hurried off.<br />
<br />
When confession was over, the Priest returned to his residence. When he walked
into the kitchen, he found that someone had stolen his turkey.<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>February 18, 2023 - Murphy's Laws for Parents</b><br />
1. The tennis shoes you must replace today will go on sale next week.<br />
<br />
2. Leakproof thermoses will.<br />
<br />
3. The chances of a piece of bread falling with the grape jelly side down is
directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.<br />
<br />
4. The garbage truck will be two doors past your house when the argument over
whose day it is to take out the trash ends.<br />
<br />
5. The shirt your child must wear today will be the only one that needs to be
washed or mended.<br />
<br />
6. Gym clothes left at school in lockers mildew at a faster rate than other
clothing.<br />
<br />
7. The item your child lost, and must have for school within the next ten
seconds, will be found in the last place you look.<br />
<br />
8. Sick children recover miraculously when the pediatrician enters the
treatment room.<br />
<br />
9. Refrigerated items, used daily, will gravitate toward the back of the
refrigerator.<br />
<br />
10. Your chances of being seen by someone you know dramatically increase if you
drive your child to school in your robe and curlers.<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>February 15, 2023 - Bathroom Supply</b><br />
In search of a new shower for our home, my wife and I went to a bathroom-supply
store.<br />
<br />
We discussed our needs with a young saleswoman. Since it was near closing time,
we had to curtail our discussion and made plans to come back the next day to
make our final decision.<br />
<br />
Later that evening, my wife and I were at a restaurant, where the same young
lady from the bathroom-supply store was now working a shift as a waitress.<br />
<br />
As she passed our table, she suddenly recognized us and called to me in a loud
voice, "HEY! You're the man who needs a shower!"<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>February 14, 2023 - Employment Search</b><br />
My employment search preoccupied our family for months. One day my husband told
our three boys that to make things easier for me, he had a list of jobs for
them.<br />
<br />
They were all silent until our six-year-old spoke up: "When are the
interviews?"<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>February 13, 2023 - Salesmanship</b><br />
During a magazine and newspaper subscription drive, our son Philip, a paperboy,
learned about good salesmanship.<br />
<br />
His supervisor had instructed the kids to maintain a positive attitude, even
when turned down. One potential customer told Philip, "I've got papers and
magazines strewn all over the place -- I don't need any more."<br />
<br />
Philip's reply? "Well, how about a subscription to Good
Housekeeping?"<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>February 12, 2023 - Windy Walk</b><br />
So George goes out on a really windy night to walk over and visit his friend
Sam, who is sick in bed. Several hours later, George drags his weary body into
Sam's house and collapses on the couch.<br />
<br />
"I tell ya, Sam," George says, exhausted, "it is just brutal
with that wind out there. For every step I took forward, I was pushed back
two."<br />
<br />
"Then how in the world did you ever make it over here?" Sam asks.<br />
<br />
"Well," George pants, "shortly after I started out I realized it
was hopeless and I turned around and headed back home."<br />
<br />
<b><br />
February 11, 2023 - Gift Disappointment</b><br />
The rich aunt was hurt and said to her nephew, "I'm sorry you don't like
your gift. I asked you if you preferred a large check or a small check."<br />
<br />
"I know, Auntie," the nephew said contritely, "but I didn't know
you were talking about neckties."<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>February 8, 2023 - Test Crash</b><br />
As the test pilot climbed out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the
wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrived. A rescuer saw the
bloodied pilot and asked, "What happened?"<br />
<br />
The pilot replied, "I don't know, I just got here myself!"<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>February 7, 2023 - Mailbox Problem</b><br />
A friend asked me to replace the rotted post that her mailbox sat on, but to
save the beloved old box. I managed to extract all but one of the rusty nails
in the bottom of the mailbox. To free the last nail, I wrapped my arms around
the box in a bear hug and started yanking up.<br />
<br />
Just then a truck came by, and the driver stuck his head out the window.
"I tried that," he said, "but the bills just keep on
coming."<br />
<br />
<br />
February 6, 2023 - Parking<br />
You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a
little note on the windshield that said "Parking Fine."<br />
<br />
That was so nice.<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>February 5, 2023 - Gripe Comments</b><br />
After every flight, pilots fill out a form (called a "gripe sheet,"
at some airlines) which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The
mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then
pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said
that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance
complaints submitted (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with
an S) by maintenance engineers.<br />
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~<br />
P: Left inside main tire almost needs rep lacement.<br />
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.<br />
<br />
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.<br />
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.<br />
<br />
P: Something loose in cockpit<br />
S: Something tightened in cockpit<br />
<br />
P: Dead bugs on windshield.<br />
S: Live bugs on back-order.<br />
<br />
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent<br />
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.<br />
<br />
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.<br />
S: Evidence removed.<br />
<br />
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.<br />
S: DME volume set to more believable level.<br />
<br />
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.<br />
S: That's what friction locks are for.<br />
<br />
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.<br />
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.<br />
<br />
P: Suspected crack in windshield.<br />
S: Suspect you're right.<br />
<br />
P: Number 3 engine missing.<br />
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.<br />
<br />
P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)<br />
S: Aircraft warned to: straighten up, fly right, and be serious.<br />
<br />
P: Target radar hums.<br />
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.<br />
<br />
P: Mouse in cockpit.<br />
S: Cat installed.<br />
<br />
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on
something with a hammer.<br />
S: Took hammer away from midget<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>February 4, 2023 - Perspective</b><br />
A woman walks in a store to return a pair of eyeglasses that she had purchased
for her husband a week before. "What seems to be the problem, madam?"<br />
<br />
"I'm returning these glasses I bought for my husband. He's still not
seeing things my way."<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>February 1, 2023 - Kitchen Help</b><br />
The wife was busy frying eggs, when her husband came home. He walked into the
kitchen and immediately started yelling. "CAREFUL!!! CAREFUL! MORE OIL!
TURN THEM! TURN THEM NOW! WE NEED MORE OIL! THEY ARE GOING TO STICK! CAREFUL!
CAREFUL! TURN THEM! TURN THEM!!! HURRY UP! ARE YOU CRAZY! THE OIL IS GOING TO
SPILL!<br />
USE MORE SALT! THE SALT!!"<br />
<br />
The wife was very upset, "What is wrong with you? Why are you yelling like
this? Do you think I don't know how to fry an egg?"<br />
<br />
The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted you to know what it's like for
me when I am driving the car and you're sitting next to me."</p>
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<![endif]-->frangipane.org/messageshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10378205780527218537noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5661909112461674565.post-19472546024111060902023-01-01T00:30:00.001-06:002023-01-01T00:30:00.207-06:00January 2023
<p class="MsoNormal"><b>January 31, 2023 - Pastor Search</b><br />
A church was looking for a new minister, and the selection committee finally
recommended a young man just out of the seminary. Many older church members
protested that a more experienced man would have been preferable.<br />
<br />
Committee members retaliated with the argument that a younger minister might
breathe fresh life into the congregation. At the end of the meeting, one
commented to another, older member, that this marked the beginning of better
things for their church.<br />
<br />
"Yes," the elder said with a wry smile. "Looks like we're moving
on to greener pastors."<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>January 30, 2023 - Got the Munchies?</b><br />
Mrs. Jones had been a staple of her local congregation for many years and that
is why her absence was noticed lately. The pastor decided to drop by her house
to check up on her after the Sunday service. He knocked on her door and being
that she's nearly 85 it took her a bit to get to the door.<br />
<br />
"Hello, who is it?" she asked.<br />
<br />
"It's Pastor Smith", he answered.<br />
<br />
"OH Hi-Come in, Come in, how's the ministry doing?" She said.<br />
<br />
"Very well, I just wanted to make sure your prayer needs are being
met."<br />
<br />
"Oh honey, I haven't felt well lately but I'm getting better"<br />
<br />
Just then the phone rang and she excused herself to get it. The pastor sat near
a table with an old reader's digest and a bowl of peanuts. After 15 minutes,
then 20, he heard his stomach growl and began to get restless. He started in on
the bowl of peanuts and began reading. After 45 minutes, he suddenly realized
that he had eaten all of the peanuts.<br />
<br />
Right then Mrs. Jones returned and said, "Oh I sure am sorry, that was my
sister from Pittsburgh. She only calls once per month so when she does we have
to catch up on everything." The pastor feeling a little embarrassed said
"I must also apologize, for while you were gone I got hungry and ate all
the peanuts in your little bowl there. Please, forgive me" he said.<br />
<br />
Mrs. Jones replied, "Oh that's ok, all I can do anymore is just suck the
chocolate off of them!" she says.<br />
<br />
<b><br />
January 29, 2023 - Walk-in Scream</b><br />
A woman went to a walk-in clinic, where she was seen by a young, new doctor.
After about three minutes in the examination room, the doctor told her she was
pregnant.<br />
<br />
She burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall.<br />
<br />
An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him
what had happened.<br />
<br />
After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another exam room.<br />
<br />
The doctor marched down the hallway back to where the first doctor was and
demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 59 years old, has
four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was
PREGNANT?!"<br />
<br />
The young doctor continued to write on his clipboard, and without looking up,
asked, "Does she still have the hiccups?"<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>January 28, 2023 - Prison Quartet</b><br />
While I was preaching in a church in Mississippi, the pastor announced that
their prison quartet would be singing the following evening. I wasn't aware
there was a prison in the vicinity and I looked forward to hearing them.<br />
<br />
The next evening, I was puzzled when four members of the church approached the
stage. Then the pastor introduced them.<br />
<br />
"This is our prison quartet," he said, "behind a few bars and
always looking for the key."<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>January 25, 2023 - Failing Eyesight</b><br />
An older lady was expecting a gentleman friend to call on her later in the day.
She was nervous because her eyesight was failing and was afraid her friend
might reject her because she was less than perfect. So, she came up with a plan
to prove to him that she could see perfectly.<br />
<br />
She put a straight pin in a tree that was about 200 feet from her front porch.<br />
<br />
When her beau arrived, they sat in the porch swing and were talking when she
suddenly stopped the conversation and asked, "Is that a pin sticking in
that tree?"<br />
<br />
Her friend squinted his eyes and said, "I don't see a thing."<br />
<br />
"Well, I'm going to go see," she said as she jumped up, ran toward
the tree, and collided with a cow.<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>January 24, 2023 - Sister Mary</b><br />
There was this nun named Sister Mary who, though she tried and tried, could
never please the Mother Superior.<br />
<br />
One day she comes up with an idea: Since the abbey was always cold, she decided
to cut some wood and build a fire in the fireplace to heat the place up.<br />
<br />
She spent all day chopping, hauling and stacking wood.<br />
<br />
Subsequently, she wound up shredding the sleeves of her habit.<br />
<br />
Later that night, as the other nuns came into the rectory, they were delighted
to find the place warm and cozy, with a big fire roaring in the fireplace.<br />
<br />
Then Mother Superior comes in and yells, "Sister Mary! Go fix your torn
habit this instant!"<br />
<br />
Sister Mary, crying, asks, "But Mother Superior, aren't you happy that the
abbey is warm?"<br />
<br />
To which the Mother Superior replies, "Yes, but when you ax, then ye shall
re-sleeve."<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>January 23, 2023 - Window Seats</b><br />
At the airport check-in counter, I overheard a woman ask for window seats for
both herself and her husband.<br />
<br />
The clerk pointed out that this would prevent them from sitting together.<br />
<br />
"Sweetie," the woman replied, "I've just spent 10 days of
quality time in a compact rental car with this man. I know what I'm
requesting!"<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>January 22, 2023 - Motherly Help</b><br />
A strained voice called out through the darkened theater, "Please, is
there a doctor in the house?!"<br />
<br />
Several men stood up as the lights came on.<br />
<br />
An older lady pulled her daughter to stand next to her, "Good, are any of
you doctors single and interested in a date with a nice, girl?"<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>January 21, 2023 - Location Question</b><br />
Tiring of the same old buzz cut from the base barber at Fort Dix, New Jersey, I
went into town to get my haircut. The hairdresser noticed my accent and asked
where I was from. "Trinidad," I said.<br />
<br />
"Is that in Arabia?"<br />
<br />
"The Caribbean."<br />
<br />
She laughed, "Sorry, I never was very good at geometry."<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>January 18, 2023 - Book Page Problem</b><br />
A surgeon goes to return some books he borrowed from the library... The
librarian quips after checking the books...<br />
<br />
"Sir your books are always returned with the last page missing in every
single book..."<br />
<br />
The surgeon replies, "I can't stop myself from removing an appendix when
ever I see one."<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>January 17, 2023 - Audi Alteram Parten</b><br />
During a Law course class, the 'Audi Alteram Parten' rule was explained.
Translated it means "To hear the other party" After discussing the
subject at great length, the lecturer asked if anyone didn't understand the
rule.<br />
<br />
Responded one woman, "My husband."<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>January 16, 2023 - Patient Problem</b><br />
When the new patient was settled comfortably on the couch, the psychiatrist
began his therapy session.<br />
<br />
"I'm not aware of your problem," the doctor said. "So perhaps,
you should start at the very beginning."<br />
<br />
"Of course," replied the patient. "In the beginning, I created
the heavens and the earth..."<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>January 15, 2023 - Bird Puns</b><br />
What birds spend all their time on their knees?<br />
Birds of prey.<br />
<br />
What do you call a very rude bird?<br />
A mockingbird.<br />
<br />
Where do birds meet for coffee?<br />
In a nest-cafe.<br />
<br />
What do you call a bunch of chickens playing hide-and-seek?<br />
Fowl play.<br />
<br />
What language do birds speak?<br />
Pigeon English.<br />
<br />
What do you give a sick bird?<br />
Tweetment.<br />
<br />
What do you get if you cross a parrot with a shark?<br />
A bird that will talk you ear off.<br />
<br />
What happened when the owl lost his voice?<br />
He didn't give a hoot.<br />
<br />
What do you get if you cross a parrot with a centipede?<br />
A great walkie-talkie.<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>January 14, 2023 - Happy Songs</b><br />
A retired man who volunteers to entertain patients in nursing homes and
hospitals went to Maimonides Hospital in Brooklyn and took his portable
keyboard along. He told some jokes and sang some funny songs at patients'
bedsides.<br />
<br />
When he finished he said, in farewell, "I hope you get better."<br />
<br />
One elderly gentleman replied, "I hope you get better, too."<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>January 11, 2023 - Better Preacher</b><br />
After the visiting preacher finished, a woman came up and said, "You were
much better than the preacher we had last Sunday. He spoke for an hour and said
nothing."<br />
<br />
"Thank you," the visiting preacher replied.<br />
<br />
"Yes," she continued. "You did it in fifteen minutes."<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>January 10, 2023 - Wedding Blessing</b><br />
At a wedding ceremony that I was performing, I raised my hand to give the final
blessing. The bride misunderstood my gesture and surprised me with a high-five.<br />
<br />
Not wanting to exclude the groom, I offered him a high-five, too.<br />
<br />
I was finally able to get my blessing in, amid the laughter of the guests.<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>January 9, 2023 - Laziness</b><br />
The young woman sat in her stalled car, waiting for help. Finally two men
walked up to her. “I’m out of gas,” she purred. “Could you push me to the gas
station?”<br />
<br />
The men readily put their muscles to the car and rolled it several blocks.
After a while, one looked up, exhausted, to see that they had just passed a
filling station.<br />
<br />
“How come you didn’t turn in?” he yelled.<br />
<br />
“I never go there,” the girl shouted back. “They don’t have full service.”<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>January 8, 2023 - Pink Humvees</b><br />
Our division had to repaint our Humvees to a sand color for Desert Storm.The
result was a pinkish hue, and the jokes began. One wag renamed us the Pink
Panzer Division, but the best was the Humvee bumper sticker:<br />
<br />
"Ask me about Mary Kay."<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>January 7, 2023 - Toy Store</b><br />
This weekend while shopping in a local toy store, I came across a long line of
people waiting for a promised shipment of dolls from Mattel. As I scanned the
line, I noticed a friend waiting with all the others. I knew my friend had no
daughters or young relatives, so I figured he must like the dolls himself.<br />
<br />
"Bill," I said going up to him, "I didn't know you were a
collector!"<br />
<br />
"I'm not," he replied.<br />
<br />
"Oh," I said, "You're buying a gift, then."<br />
<br />
"No, not at all," my friend responded.<br />
<br />
"If you don't mind my asking then Bill," I said, "Why are you
standing in this line?"<br />
<br />
"Oh that," he answered. "It's like this," my friend stated,
. . ."I've never been able to resist a barbie queue!"<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>January 4, 2023 - Happy Songs</b><br />
A retired man who volunteers to entertain patients in nursing homes and
hospitals went to Maimonides Hospital in Brooklyn and took his portable
keyboard along. He told some jokes and sang some funny songs at patients'
bedsides.<br />
<br />
When he finished he said, in farewell, "I hope you get better."<br />
<br />
One elderly gentleman replied, "I hope you get better, too."<br />
<br />
<b><br />
January 3, 2023 - Soft Seven</b><br />
A young man is paired up with a priest on the first hole at the golf course.
When they make it to a long par three the priest asks, "What are you going
to use on this hole son?"<br />
<br />
The young man says, "An eight iron, father. How about you?"<br />
<br />
The priest says, "I'm going to hit a soft seven and pray."<br />
<br />
The young man hits his eight iron and puts the ball on the green. The priest
tops his 7 iron and dribbles the ball out a few yards.<br />
<br />
The young man says, "I don't know about you father, but in my church when
we pray, we keep our head down."<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>January 2, 2023 - Seat Warmers</b><br />
Sam and Ruth from Maine had just bought a new car when winter hit with all its
fury. "I wonder if the car has seat warmers," Ruth wondered.<br />
<br />
"It sure does," said Sam, looking through the owner's manual.
"Here it is.............rear defrosters."<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>January 1, 2023 - More Newspaper Bloopers</b><br />
Dr. Benjamin Porter visited the school yesterday and lectured on
"Destructive Pests". A large number were present.<br />
The sewer expansion project is nearing completion but City officials are
holding their breath until it is officially finished.<br />
<br />
The ladies of the county medical society auxiliary plan to publish a cookbook.
Part of the money will go to the Samaritan Hospital to purchase a stomach pump.<br />
<br />
The father was employed at the Seabrook nuclear power plant, and commuted for
some months. Then the family moved to Seabrook, where they are happily living.<br />
<br />
Columbia, Tennessee, which calls itself the largest outdoor mule market in the
world, held a mule parade yesterday headed by the Governor.<br />
<br />
The assembly passed and sent to the senate a bill requiring dog owners in New
York City to clean up after their dogs, in penalty of $100 fine. The bill also
applies to Buffalo.<br />
<br />
The bride-elect was showered with pieces of her chosen china.<br />
<br />
"Moby Dick", the great American classic by Herman Melville, will be
seen again next week, with veteran actor Victor Jory in the title role.<br />
<br />
Weather: Sunny with a few cloudy periods today and Thursday, which will be
followed by Friday.<br />
<br />
The women included their husbands and their children in their potluck suppers.<br />
<br />
The bride was wearing an old lace gown that fell to the floor as she came down
the aisle.</p>
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<![endif]-->frangipane.org/messageshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10378205780527218537noreply@blogger.com