Good, Clean Jokes and Funny Stories


Good, Clean Jokes and Funny Stories


While the Bible isn't a joke book, it is obvious that humor played an important role in Hebrew culture. When drought hit Jacob's world he turned to his sons and said, "Why are you staring at one another...Go down [to Egypt] and buy some for us" (Gen 42:1-2). I also hear humor in some of Jesus' remarks, like when He renamed James and John the "sons of thunder" or when He said the Pharisees where like whitewashed tombs, full of dead men's bones (Matt 23). I think we need the picture of Jesus laughing and enjoying people. In fact, while Jesus indeed had many hard things to say, He was also full of emotion, joy and celebration. Even as He rebuked the Pharisees, we see a glimpse of His demeanor in ministry when He scolded them saying, "We played the flute for you, but you would not dance" (Matt 11). There was something very non-religious in Jesus that laughter, celebration and humor is part of. Hopefully, these jokes, stories and quips will help make your day more merry as you walk with the Lord Jesus through this world.

Francis

April 2018

April 30, 2018 - You Get What You Paid For
During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer:

"Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to me and the part where I'm to promise to 'love, honor and obey,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that part out." He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied.

The big day comes, and the bride and groom exchange their vows.

When it comes time for the groom's vows, the pastor looks the young man in the eye and says: "Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"

The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes."

The groom leaned toward the pastor and hissed, "I thought we had a deal."

The pastor put the $100 bill into his hand and whispered back, "She made me a much better offer."


April 29, 2018 - Comprehending Engineers - Take Two
What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?

Mechanical Engineers build weapons, Civil Engineers build targets.


April 28, 2018 - Comprehending Engineers - Take One

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!" The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him."

"Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind fire-fighters.

They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."

The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, "That's so sad. I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."

The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"


April 27, 2018 - Someone At The Door
A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach.

After watching the boy's efforts for some time, the priest moves closer to the boy's position. He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a sold ring.

Crouching down to the child's level, the priest smiles benevolently and asks, "And now what, my little man?"

The boy replies, "Now we run!"


April 23, 2008 - Pillsbury Dough Boy Dead at 71

Veteran Pillsbury spokesman, Pop N. Fresh, died yesterday of a severe yeast infection. He was 71.

Fresh was buried in one of the largest funeral ceremonies in recent years. Dozens of celebrities turned out, including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, and the Hostess Twinkies.

The graveside was piled high with flours as long-time friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who "never knew how much he was kneaded."

Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model for millions.

Fresh is survived by his wife. They have two children and one in the oven. The funeral was held at 4:50 for about 20 minutes.


April 22, 2018 - Y to K Problem
Our staff has completed the 18 months of work on time and on budget.

We have gone through every line of code in every program in every system. We have analyzed all databases, all data files, including backups and historic archives, and modified all data to reflect the change. We are proud to report that we have completed the "Y-to-K" date change mission, and have now implemented all changes to all programs and all data are now done to reflect your new standards:

Januark, Februark, March, April, Mak, June, Julk, August, September, October, November, December As well as:

Sundak, Mondak, Tuesdak, Wednesdak Thursdak, Fridak, Saturdak I trust that this is satisfactory, because to be honest, none of this Y to K problem has made any sense to me. But I understand it is a global problem, and our team is glad to help in any way possible. And what does the year
2000 have to do with it?

Speaking of which, what do you think we ought to do next year when the two digit year rolls over from 99 to 00?

We await your direction.

The Y2K Team


April 21, 2018 - Pilot Humor
Here are some actual maintenance complaints generally known as squawks or problems submitted recently by Qantas pilots to maintenance engineers. After attending to the squawks prior to the aircraft's next flight, the maintenance crews are required to log the details of action taken as a solution to the pilots squawks. The following are some recent squawks and subsequent responses by maintenance crews.

(P) is the problem logged by the pilot, and (S) marks the solution and action taken by maintenance engineers.

(P) Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
(S) Almost replaced left inside main tire.

(P) Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
(S) Autoland not installed on this aircraft.

(P) #2 propeller seeping prop fluid.
(S) #2 propeller seepage normal - - #1, #3 and #4 propellers lack normal seepage.

(P) Something loose in cockpit.
(S) Something tightened in cockpit.

(P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
(S) Evidence removed.

(P) DME volume unbelievably loud.
(S) Volume set to more believable level.

(P) Dead bugs on windshield.
(S) Live bugs on backorder.

(P) Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
(S) Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

(P) IFF inoperative.
(S) IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

(P) Friction lock causes throttle levers to stick.
(S) That's what they're there for!!

(P) Number three engine missing.
(S) Engine three found on right wing after brief search.

(P) Aircraft handles funny.
(S) Aircraft warned to straighten up, "fly right" and be serious!!

(P) Target Radar hums.
(S) Reprogrammed Target Radar with the words.


April 20, 2018 - Hymns For Professionals
DENTIST: Crown Him with many crowns
CONTRACTORS: The church's one foundation
OBSTETRICIANS: Come, labour on
GOLFERS: There is a green hill far away
POLITICIANS: Standing on the promises
LIBRARIANS: Let all mortal flesh keep silence
LAWYERS: In the hour of trial
DRY CLEANERS: O for a faith that will not shrink
CREDIT CARD USERS: A charge of keep have I
CENSUS TAKERS: All people that on earth do dwell
TRAFFIC ENGINEERS: Where cross the crowded ways of life
TAXATION OFFICERS: We give thee but thine own


April 17, 2018 - Technical Terms for the Strictly Amish
Log on: making a wood stove hotter
Log off: don't add no more wood
Monitor: keeping an eye on the wood stove
Download: gettin the farwood off the truck
Mega Hertz: when yer not keerful getting the farwood
Floppy disc: whatcha git from tryin to carry too much farwood
Ram: that thar thing what splits the farwood
Hard drive: gettin home in the winter time
Prompt: whut the mail ain't in the winter time
Windows: what to shut when it's cold outside
Screen: what to shut when it's blak fly season
Byte: what dem flys do
Chip: munchies fer the TV
Micro Chip: whut's in the bottom of the munchie bag
Modem: whacha did to the hay fields
Dot Matrix: Old Dan Matrix's wife
Lap Top: whar the kitty sleeps
Keyboard: whar ya hang the keys
Software: them plastic forks and knifes
Mouse: what eats the grain in the barn
Mouse Pad: that hippie talk for the rat hole
Main frame: holds up the barn ruf
Port: fancy Flatlander wine
Enter: northerner talk fer C'Mon in y'all
Random Access Memory: when ya cain't 'member what ya paid fer the......


April 16, 2018 - Materialistic Or What?
A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Jag XK-8 in front of the office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck came along, too close to the curb, and completely tore off the driver's door of the Jag. The counsellor immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialled 911, and it wasn't more than 5 minutes before a policeman pulled up.

Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Jag, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how the body shop tried to make it new again, etc., etc., etc.

After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, "Didn't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."

"Oh No!" screamed the lawyer. "Where's my Rolex?"


April 15, 2018 - Generations
Windsor Castle, outside of London, is directly in the flight path of Heathrow International Airport. While a group of tourists was standing outside the castle admiring the elegant structure, a plane flew overhead at a relatively low altitude, making a tremendous noise.

One particularly annoyed tourist whined, "Why did they build the castle so close to the airport?"


April 14, 2018 - Pessimists
A fisherman returned to shore with a giant marlin that was bigger and heavier than he. On the way to the cleaning shed, he ran into a second fisherman who had a stringer with a dozen baby minnows.

The second fisherman looked at the marlin, turned to the first fisherman and said, "Only caught one, eh?"


April 13, 2018 - Conductor Problem
The symphony musicians had little confidence in the person brought in to be their new conductor.

Their fears were realized at the very first rehearsal. The cymbalist, realizing that the conductor did not know what he was doing, angrily clashed his instruments together during a delicate, soft passage.

The music stopped. The conductor, highly agitated, looked angrily around the orchestra, demanding, "Who did that? Who did that?"


April 10, 2018 - Cattle Ranching
A New York family bought a ranch out west where they intended to raise cattle. Friends came to visit and asked if the ranch had a name.

"Well," said the would-be-cattleman. "I wanted to call it the Bar-J, my wife favored the Suzy-Q, one son liked the Flying-W, and the other son wanted the Lazy-Y. So, we're calling it the Bar-J-Suzy-Q-Flying-W-Lazy_Y."

"But, where are all your cattle?"

"None have survived the branding.


April 9, 2018 - Flight Booking
After booking my 80-year-old grandmother on a flight from Florida to Nevada, I called the airline to go over her special needs. The representative listened patiently as I requested a wheelchair and an attendant for my mother because of her arthritis and impaired vision to the point of near blindness.

My apprehension lightened a bit when the woman assured me that everything would be taken care of. I thanked her profusely.

"Oh, you're welcome," she replied. I was about to hang up when she cheerfully asked, "And will your grandmother need a rental car?"


April 8, 2018 - Never Be Late
A local priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish.

A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner.

However, he was delayed so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited:

"I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had also stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his best friend's wife, and taken illicit drugs. I was appalled.

"But as the days went on I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people."

Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies for being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and said: "I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived. In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession."

Moral: Never, never, NEVER-EVER be late.


April 7, 2018 - G.I. Excuses
The General went out to find that none of his GIs were there. One finally ran up, panting heavily.

"Sorry, sir! I can explain, you see I had a date and it ran a little late. I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I'm here."

The General was very skeptical about this explanation but at least he was here so he let the GI go. Moments later, eight more GIs came up to the general panting, he asked them why they were late.

"Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I'm here."

The General eyed them, feeling very skeptical but since he let the first guy go, he let them go, too. A ninth GI jogged up to the General, panting heavily.

"Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but..."

"Let me guess," the General interrupted, "it broke down."

"No," said the GI, "there were so many dead horses in the road, it took forever to get around them."


April 6, 2018 - Interesting Thoughts
Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts," and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.

When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?

Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?

Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?

"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language.

Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed?

Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?

Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure?

If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren't people from Holland called "Holes?"


April 3, 2018 - "Grace"ous Host
A woman invited some people to dinner.

At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?"

"I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied. "Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered.

The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"


April 2, 2018 - The Lord's Prayer - Sort of
A mother was teaching her three-year-old The Lord's Prayer.

For several evenings at bedtime, the child repeated it after the mother. Then one night the child was ready to solo. The mother listened with pride to the carefully enunciated words, right up to the end.

"And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us some e-mail, Amen."


April 1, 2018 - Sharing by Example
A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5, and Ryan, 3.

The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake. I can wait.'

Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus."

March 2018

March 31, 2018 - Foreign Phrases - Sort of
A New York magazine recently ran a contest. The rules were to take any well-known phrase in a foreign language, change just a single letter, and then provide a definition for the new expression. Here are some of the winners:

HARLEZ VOUS FRANCAIS?: Can you drive a French motorcycle?
IDIOS AMIGOS: We're wild and crazy guys.
COGITO, EGGO SUM: I think. Therefore, I am a waffle.
RIGOR MORRIS: The cat is dead.
REPONDEZ S'IL VOUS PLAID: Honk if you are Scottish.
QUE SERA SERF: Life is feudal.
LE ROI EST MORT. JIVE LE ROI: The king is dead. No kidding.
POSH MORTEM: Death styles of the rich and famous.
VENI, VIPI, VICI: I came. I am a very important person. I conquered.
PRO BOZO PUBLICO: Support your local clown.
FELIX NAVIDAD: Our cat has a boat.
HASTE CUISINE: Fast French food.
VENI, VIDI, VICE: I came, I saw, I partied.
QUIP PRO QUO: A fast retort.
ALOHA OY: Love, greetings and farewell from such a pain you should never know.
MAZEL TON: Tons of good luck.
APRES MOE LE DELUGE: Curly and Larry got wet.
ICH LIBERICH: I'm really crazy about having dough.
FUI GENERIS: What's mine is mine.
VISA LA FRANCE: Don't leave your chateau without it.
CA VA SANS DIRT: And that's not gossip.
BUN JOUR: The daily special at the bakery.
BAN JOUR: The daily special of the League of Decency.
BEN JOUR: Charlton Heston's cousin.


March 30, 2018 - Dead Seagull
A father was at the beach with his children when his four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore, where a seagull lay dead in the sand.

"Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked. "He died and went to Heaven," the dad replied.

The boy thought a moment and then said, "Did God throw him back down?"


March 27, 2018 - Wimpy Dad

One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"

The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room."

A long silence was broken at last by his shaking little voice: "The big sissy."


March 26, 2018 - New Boater
This past summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, a fellow new to boating was having a problem.

No matter how hard he tried, he just couldn't get his brand new 22-ft Bayliner to perform. It wouldn't get on a plane at all, and was very sluggish in almost every manoeuvre, no matter how much power he supplied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, he putted over to a nearby marina. Maybe they could tell him what was wrong.

A thorough topside check revealed everything was in perfect working order: the engine ran fine, the outdrive went up and down, the prop was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard.

Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer.


March 25, 2018 -  Better By Train
A large two-engine train was crossing America. After they had gone some distance, one of the engines broke down. "No problem," the engineer thought and carried on at half power.

Farther on down the line, the other engine broke down and the train came to a standstill.

The engineer decided he should inform the passengers about why the train had stopped, and made the following announcement, "Ladies and gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news. The bad news is that both engines have failed, and we will be stuck here for some time. The good news is that you decided to take the train and not fly."

March 24, 2018 - Helpful Executive
A young executive was leaving the office late one evening when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work?"

"Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy."


March 23, 2018 - Funny Answering Machines
"Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets."

"Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency. We know who you are and what you want, so at the sound of the tone, please hang up."

"Hello, this is Sally's microwave. Her answering machine just eloped with her tape deck, so I'm stuck with taking her calls. Say, if you want anything cooked while you leave your message, just hold it up to the phone."

"Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through the office and don't need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you."

"This is not an answering machine - this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling, and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call."

"Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back."

"If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave us a message."

"Hi. I am probably home. I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's YOU."

March 20, 2018 - Keep Walking
An eight year old boy is walking down the road one day when a car pulls over next to him.

"If you get in the car," the driver says, "I'll give you $10 and a piece of candy."

The boy refuses and keeps on walking.

A few moments later, not to take no for an answer, the man driving the car pulls over again. "How about $20 and two pieces of candy?"

The boy tells the man to leave him alone and keeps on walking.

Still further down the road the man pulls over to the side road. "OK," he says, "this is my final offer. I'll give you $50 and all the candy you can eat."

The little boy stops, goes to the car and leans in. "Look," he says to the driver. "You bought the Ford, Dad. You'll have to live with it!"


March 19, 2018 - Poor Preacher
After the church service a little boy told the pastor, "When I grow up, I'm going to give you some money."

"Well, thank you," the pastor replied, "but why?"

"Because my daddy says you're one of the poorest preachers we've ever had."


March 18, 2018 - Scout Fix
"A scoutmaster and his wife were driving along a rural highway when they found the road blocked by a herd of cows that had escaped through a broken fence.

The scoutmaster tried beeping his horn to scare the cattle from the pavement, but to no avail. For some reason, no sound was heard. He got out of the car, lifted the hood, and saw the problem: a loose wire, which he quickly fixed.

As he got back into the car, his wife asked him if he'd had any luck.

"Yep," he replied, "beep repaired!"


March 17, 2018 - Watch This
A C-130 Hercules cargo plane was lumbering along when a cocky F-16 flashed by. The jet jockey decided to show off.

The fighter jock told the C-130 pilot, 'watch this!' and promptly went into a barrel roll followed by a steep climb. He then finished with a sonic boom as he broke the sound barrier. The F-16 pilot asked the C-130 pilot what he thought of that?

The C-130 pilot said, 'That was impressive, but watch this!' The C-130 droned along for about 5 minutes and then the C-130 pilot came back on and said: 'What did you think of that?' Puzzled, the F-16 pilot asked, 'What the heck did you do?'

The C-130 pilot chuckled. 'I stood up, stretched my legs, walked to the back, went to the bathroom, then got a cup of coffee and a cinnamon bun.'


March 16, 2018 - Old Dodge
A man was driving along in his beat up old dodge, when suddenly it broke down. He was parked on the side of the road trying fix it, when a Jaguar pulled up in front of him and offered to help.

After a few minutes the two men obviously weren't going to get the old car going again, so the Jaguar driver offered to tow the Dodge to the nearest garage. A few minutes later the two had hitched up the old Dodge to the Jaguar, and they agreed that if the Jaguar driver was going too fast, the man should blow his horn and flash his lights to get him to slow down. With that the two men got into their cars and the Jaguar driver started to pull away with the Dodge behind it.

At the first traffic light, a Ferrari pulled up beside the Jaguar and started to rev his engine. As soon as the light turned green the Ferrari and the Jaguar hit their accelerators and took off. Before long the cars were racing at over 120 mph.

As the cars sped along, they passed through a police speed trap. The officer couldn't believe his eyes when he saw the three cars go by, and he decided that he couldn't catch them all by himself, so he decided to radio for help: "You won't believe what I just saw! I saw a Ferrari and a Jaguar doing 120 mph side by side, and a beat up old Dodge behind them flashing his lights and blowing his horn trying to get by!"


March 13, 2018 - Differences Between Men & Women, Part 2
SHOES: When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, then slip on Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Saks. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later, she will kick them off because her feet are under the desk. A man will wear the same pair of shoes all day.

DRESSING UP: A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals.

LAUNDRY: Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the laundromat.

OFFSPRING: Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.


March 12, 2018 - Differences Between Men & Women, Part 1
EATING OUT: And when the check comes, Mike, Phil, Rob and Jack will each throw in $20 bills, even though it's only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators.

BATHROOMS: A man has six items in his bathroom-a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

GROCERIES: A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to the store and buys these things. A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a soda. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.


March 11, 2018 - Free to Go
Jon and Amanpreet were in an institution. This place had an annual contest where they picked two of the best patients and asked them two questions. If they got them correct, they were deemed cured and free to go.

Jon was called into the doctor's office first and asked if he understood that he'd be free if he answered the questions correctly. The doctor said, "Jon, what would happen if I poked out one of your eyes?"

Jon said, "I'd be half blind."

"That's correct. What if I poked out both eyes?"

"I'd be completely blind." The doctor stood up, shook Jon's hand, and told him he was free.

On Jon's way out, as the doctor filled out the paperwork, Jon mentioned the exam to Amanpreet. He told him what questions were going to be asked and gave him the answers.

So Amanpreet came in. The doctor went through the formalities and asked, "What would happen if I cut off one ear?"

Amanpreet, remembering what Jon had said, answered, "I'd be half blind."

The doctor looked a little puzzled, but went on. "What if I cut off the other ear?"

"I'd be completely blind," Amanpreet answered.

"Amanpreet, can you explain how you'd be *blind*?"

"My hat would fall down over my eyes."


March 10, 2018 - Play Quietly
Donald MacDonald from the Isle of Skye (or maybe it was Neil McNell from Barra, but anyway..) went to study at an English university and was living in the hall of residence with all the other students there. After he had been there a month, his mother came to visit him (no doubt carrying reinforcements of tatties, salt herring, oatmeal and whisky).

"And how do you find the English students, Donald?" she asked.

"Mother," he replied, "they're such terrible, noisy people. The one on that side keeps banging his head on the wall and won't stop. The one on the other side screams and screams all night."

"Oh Donald! How do you manage to put up with these awful noisy English neighbours?"

"Mother, I do nothing. I just ignore them. I just stay here quietly, playing my bagpipes."


March 9, 2018 - Senior Driver
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.

Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280. Please be careful!"

"Heck," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"


March 6, 2018 - Thoughtful Sidney
Sometime after Sidney died, his widow, Tillie, was finally able to speak about what a thoughtful and wonderful man her late husband had been.

"Sidney thought of everything," she told them. "Just before he died, Sidney called me to his bedside. He handed me three envelopes. `Tillie,' he told me, 'I have put all my last wishes in these three envelopes. After I am dead, please open them and do exactly as I have instructed. Then I can rest in peace'."

"What was in the envelopes?" her friends asked.

"The first envelope contained $5,000 with a note, 'Please use this money to buy a nice casket.' So I bought a beautiful mahogany casket with such a comfortable lining that I know Sidney is resting very comfortably.

"The second envelope contained $10,000 with a note, 'Please use this for a nice funeral.' I arranged Sidney a very dignified funeral and bought all his favourite foods for everyone attending."

"And the third envelope?" asked her friends.

"The third envelope contained $25,000 with a note, 'Please use this to buy a nice stone.' Holding her hand in the air and showing off her ten carat diamond ring, Tillie said, "So, do you like my stone?"


March 5, 2018 - Mr. Sugarbrown's Daughter
A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter."

Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown."

The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, "Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?"

She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."


March 4, 2018 - Information Assistance
"Information. Can I help you?"

"I'd like the number of the Theater Guild, please."

"One moment, please." Pause. "I'm sorry sir, I have no listing for a Theodore Guild."

"No, no. It isn't a person. It's an organization. It's Theater Guild."

"I told you, sir. I have no listing for a Theodore Guild."

"Not *Theodore*! *Theater*! The word is *theater*.
T-H-E-A-T-E-R!"

"That, *sir*, is NOT the way you spell Theodore."


March 3, 2018 - Grandma Test
I was out walking with my 4-year-old granddaughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that.

"Why?" my granddaughter asked.

"Because it's been on the ground. You don't know where it's been, it's dirty, and probably has germs," I replied.

At this point, my granddaughter looked at me with total admiration and asked, "Grandma, how do you know all this stuff? You are so smart."

I was thinking quickly, "All Grandmas know this stuff. It's on the Grandma Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Grandma."

We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information. "Oh...I get it!" she beamed, "So if you don't pass the test, you have to be the Grandpa."

"Exactly," I replied.


March 2, 2018 - Allergy Medicine
During a revival, the visiting evangelist arrived without his allergy medicine.

Our pastor put him in touch with a doctor in our church for an emergency prescription to get him through the week. The evangelist was so appreciative of the doctor that during the last service, he recommended the doctor to the entire crowd. The ensuing laughter was a mystery to him until after the service.

That was when the host pastor informed him that he had just recommended the local OB-GYN.