Good, Clean Jokes and Funny Stories

Good, Clean Jokes and Funny Stories

While the Bible isn't a joke book, it is obvious that humor played an important role in Hebrew culture. When drought hit Jacob's world he turned to his sons and said, "Why are you staring at one another...Go down [to Egypt] and buy some for us" (Gen 42:1-2). I also hear humor in some of Jesus' remarks, like when He renamed James and John the "sons of thunder" or when He said the Pharisees where like whitewashed tombs, full of dead men's bones (Matt 23). I think we need the picture of Jesus laughing and enjoying people. In fact, while Jesus indeed had many hard things to say, He was also full of emotion, joy and celebration. Even as He rebuked the Pharisees, we see a glimpse of His demeanor in ministry when He scolded them saying, "We played the flute for you, but you would not dance" (Matt 11). There was something very non-religious in Jesus that laughter, celebration and humor is part of. Hopefully, these jokes, stories and quips will help make your day more merry as you walk with the Lord Jesus through this world.


September 2016

Top Ten Amish Spring Break Activities - September 30, 2016
10. Drink molasses 'til you heave.
9. Wet bonnet contest.
8. Stuff as many guys as you can into a buggy.
7. Buttermilk kegger.
6. Blow past the Dairy Queen on a really smokin' Clydesdale.
5. Get a tattoo: "Born to raise barns."
4. Cruise streets of Belleville shouting insults at people with zippers.
3. Sleep 'til 6 a.m.
2. Drive over to Allensville and kick some Mennonite butt.
1. Churn butter in short sleeves.

No ID - September 29, 2016
A woman went into a hardware store to purchase a bale of peat moss.

She gave a personal check in payment and said to the clerk, "I suppose you will want some identification."

He replied, without hesitation, "No ma'am, that won't be necessary."

"How come?" asked the woman.

"Crooks don't buy peat moss," answered the clerk.

A Dog Named Bear - September 28, 2016
Friends of ours owned a huge Great Dane named "Bear." He looked menacing but was actually quite harmless. Though Bear has gone on to doggy heaven here are two great stories they often tell.

Bear's playground was a fenced yard about 40 feet square. With a mere 3 foot fence his head easily reached over the top. Standing on his haunches it looked like he could walk over the fence. One of the neighbor boys asked the owner if he could jump the fence. "Shhhhh," she replied. "He can - but don't tell him."

Then, One day the man of the house was assaulted by the sound of a stereo large enough to power a theatre mounted in a car trunk. Looking out the window he saw what appeared to be a drug deal. No problem, he clicked on Bears' chain and took him out. Marching right up to the occupants and pointing to the dog he mouthed these words over the noise, "My dog doesn't like your music."

The stereo was immediately silenced and the car quickly disappeared from sight.

Get Your Sister - September 27, 2016
A salesman telephoned a household and a young boy answered.

"May I speak to your mother?" the salesman asked.

The boy replied, "She's not here right now."

The salesman then asked, "Is there anyone else there?"

The boy replied, "My sister."

The salesman asked, "May I speak to her"?

The boy replied, "I guess so."

At this point there was a long period of silence on the phone.

Then the boy returned and said, "Hello?"

The salesman responded, "It's you again? I thought you were going to get your sister."

To which the boy replied, "I tried, but I can't get her out of the playpen!"

Pleasure For A Season - September 26, 2016
"Mummy, my turtle's dead," the little boy, Andrew, sorrowfully told his mother, holding the turtle out to her in his hand.

The mother kissed him on the head, then said, "That's all right. We'll wrap him in tissue paper, put him in a little box, then have a nice burial ceremony in the back yard. After that, we'll go out for an ice cream soda, and then get you a new pet."

"Ice cream?" the little boy said, wiping his tears and smiling. "Oh boy!"

His mother said: "I don't want you..."

Her voice trailed off as she noticed the turtle move. "Andrew, you're turtle isn't dead after all!"

"Oh," the disappointed boy said. "Can I kill it?"

Things Women Will Never Say - September 23, 2016
Don't be too quick to be offended - you'll find a list of things women will never say at:

You know, I've been complaining a lot lately. I don't blame you for ignoring me.

That was fun, when will all of your friends be over to watch football again?

While you were in the bathroom, they went for it on fourth down and missed. If they can hold them to a field goal they'll still cover.

I liked that wedding even more than ours. Your ex-girlfriend has class.

That girl is wearing the same outfit as I am. Cool, I'm gonna go over and talk to her.

I love hearing stories about your old girlfriends, tell me more.

I like using this new lawn mower so much more than the old one, what a wonderful Valentine's Day present!

Let's just leave the toilet seat up at all times, then you don't have to mess with it anymore.
I'm so happy with my new hairstyle, I don't think I'll ever change it again.

Speeding Ticket - September 22, 2016
A lady who was speeding had an officer pull her to the side of the road. She didn't have her seat belt on so as soon as she stopped, she quickly slipped it on before the officer got to her window.

After talking to her about speeding, the officer said, "I see you are wearing your seat belt. Do you believe in wearing it at all times?"

"Yes, I do, officer," she replied.
"Well," asked the officer, "do you always do it up with it looped through your steering wheel?"

Soul Winning Efforts
A very zealous soul-winning young preacher recently came upon a farmer working in his field. Being concerned about the farmer's soul, the preacher asked the man, "Are you laboring in the vineyard of the Lord, my good man?"

Not even looking at the preacher and continuing his work, the farmer replied, "Naw, these are soybeans."

"You don't understand," said the preacher. "Are you a Christian?"

With the same amount of interest as his previous answer, the farmer said, "Nope my name is Jones. 
You must be lookin' for Jim Christian. He lives a mile south of here."

The young, determined preacher tried again, asking the farmer, "Are you lost?"

"Naw! I've lived here all my life," answered the farmer.

"Are you prepared for the resurrection?" the frustrated preacher asked.

This caught the farmer's attention and he asked, "When's it gonna be?"
Thinking he had accomplished something, the young preacher replied, "It could be today, tomorrow or the next day."

Taking a handkerchief from his back pocket and wiping his brow, the farmer remarked, "Well, don't mention it to my wife. She don't get out much, and she'll wanna go all three days."

Judgement, Self Righteousness, Assumption - September 20, 2016
A man sees another leaning against the wall of a large building. The second man is puffing away, one cigarette after another.

The nonsmoker says, "Sir, I couldn't help noticing how you chain-smoke. How many packs do you smoke a day?"


"How long have you been smoking?"

"Thirty years."

"That's over six thousand packs. Why, if you didn't smoke, you could have saved enough money to buy this building."

The smoker takes a deep puff and says, "Do you smoke?"


"Do you own this building?"


"Well, I do."

CaNaDa - September 19, 2016
Back in the 1800s, Canada's founding fathers gathered to brainstorm and discuss a name for their new country.

One of the founding fathers really liked what the neighbors to the south did and pitched the idea. "'USA' is simple. It's catchy. It works. How about if we put the letters of the alphabet in a hockey helmet, pull out three, and that's our name. What do you think, eh?"

Everyone liked the idea and approved. So the 26 letters of the alphabet went into a helmet, and one of the founding fathers picked the three letters. He read them off as he picked them.

"C, eh......N, eh.......D, eh"

Signs You Aren't Very Competent With A Computer - September 16, 2016
- You've backed-up your desktop by pushing it against the wall.
- You've put foam around the computer to prevent it from crashing.
- The soles of your shoes are worn out from re-booting your computer.
- You try to clear the screen by shaking the monitor up and down.
- You're Amish

Willful Sins, Signs VS. Obedience - September 15, 2016
By the time Ted arrived at the football game, the first quarter was almost over.

"Why are you so late?" his friend asked.

I had to toss a coin to decide between going to church and coming to the game."

"How long could that have taken you?"

"Well, I had to toss it 14 times."

Cooking Terms - September 14, 2016
Tongue: A variety of meat, rarely served because it clearly crosses the line between a cut of beef and a piece of dead cow.

Yogurt: Semi-solid dairy product made from partially evaporated and fermented milk. Yogurt is one of only three foods that taste exactly the same as they sound. The other two are goulash and squid.

Recipe: A series of step-by-step instructions for preparing ingredients you forgot to buy, in utensils 
you don't own, to make a dish the dog won't eat.

Porridge: Thick oatmeal rarely found on tables since
children were granted the right to sue their parents. The name is an amalgamation of the words 

"Putrid," "hORRId," and "sluDGE."

Preheat: To turn on the heat in an oven for a period of time before cooking a dish, so that the fingers may be burned when the food is put in, as well as when it is removed.

Oven: Compact home incinerator used for disposing of bulky pieces of meat and poultry.

Microwave Oven: Space-age kitchen appliance that uses the principle of radar to locate and immediately destroy any food placed within the cooking compartment.

Calorie: Basic measure of the amount of rationalization offered by the average individual prior to taking a second helping of a particular food.

The Little Voice - September 13, 2016
A guy gets home from work one night and hears a little voice. The little voice tells him, "Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go to Vegas." The man is disturbed at what he hears and ignores the little voice.

The next day, when he gets home from work, the same thing happens. The little voice tells him, "Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go to Vegas." Again, the man ignores the little voice, though he is very troubled by the event.

Every day, day after day, the man hears the same little voice when he gets home from work, "Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go to Vegas." Each time the man hears the little voice he becomes increasingly upset. Finally, after two weeks, he succumbs to the pressure. He does quit his job, sells his house, takes his money and heads to Vegas.

The moment the man gets off the plane in Vegas, the little voice tells him, "Go to Harrah's." So, he hops in a cab and rushes over to Harrah's.

As soon as he sets foot in the casino, the little voice tells him, "Go to the roulette table." The man does as he is told. When he gets to the roulette table, the little voice tells him, "Put all your money on 17."

Nervously, the man exchanges all his money for chips and then puts them all on 17.

The dealer wishes the man good luck and spins the roulette wheel. Around and around the ball caroms. The man anxiously watches the ball as it slowly loses speed until finally it settles into number... 21.

The little voice says, "Oops..."

If You Love Something Variations - September 12, 2016
The Original Version:
If you love something,
Set it free...
If it comes back, it's yours;
If it doesn't, it never was yours.

The Pessimist Version:
If you love somebody,
Set her free ...
If she ever comes back, she's yours;
If she doesn't, well, as expected, she never was.

The Optimist Version:
If you love somebody,
Set her free ...
Don't worry, she will come back.

The Suspicious Version:
If you love somebody,
Set her free ...
If she comes back, ask her why.

The Impatient Version:
If you love somebody,
Set her free ...
If she doesn't comes back within some time limit,
forget her.

The Patient Version:
If you love somebody,
Set her free ...
If she doesn't come back, continue to wait
until she comes back ...

The Playful Version:
If you love somebody,
Set her free ...
If she comes back, and if you love her still,
set her free again. Repeat
More If You Love Something Variations - September 9, 2016
The Lawyer's Version:
If you love somebody,
Set her free...
Clause 1a of Paragraph 13a-1 in the second
amendment of the Matrimonial Freedom Act clearly states that...

The Bill Gates Version:
If you love somebody,
Set her free...
If she comes back,
I think we can charge her for re-installation fees
and tell her that she's also going to get an upgrade.

The Statistician's Version:
If you love somebody,
Set her free...
If she loves you, the probability of her coming back is high;
If she doesn't, your relationship was improbable anyway.

The Possessive Version:
If you love somebody
don't ever set her free.

The Mba Version:
If you love somebody
set her free...
and look for others simultaneously.

The Psychologist's Version:
If you love somebody
set her free...
If she comes back, her super ego is dominant;
If she doesn't come, back her id is supreme;
If she doesn't go, she must be crazy.

The Finance Expert Version:
If you love somebody
set her free...
If she comes back, its time to look for fresh loans;
If she doesn't, write her off as an asset gone bad.

The Marketing Version:
If you love somebody
set her free...
If she comes back, she has brand loyalty;
If she doesn't, reposition the brand in new markets.

Bedside Manner - September 8, 2016
The doctor was making her rounds and walked into the semi-private room in the hospital to examine old Mrs. Williams.

After the exam in his best professional voice, she said smoothly, "You are coughing much more easily this morning."

"I should," snapped the patient, "I've been practicing all night."

Missing You - September 7, 2016
Dave went on a business trip for a few days.

When he returned, his wife reported that the dog really missed him.

"She spent every night at the front door, awaiting your return," she said.

"What an example of true love," Dave replied. "I wonder if you'd be that concerned about me?"

"Honey," she answered, "if you were gone overnight, and I didn't know where you were, you can be sure I'd be waiting for you at the front door."

Generosity - September 6, 2016
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.

A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk.

Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes"
WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, . . go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2005 models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$60,000"
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing .... The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000"
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer 900,000."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.

Then he asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

Age - September 5, 2016
When you are young, you want to be the master of your fate and the captain of your soul.
When you are older, you will settle for being the master of your weight and the captain of your bowling team.

Rest, Busyness - September 2, 2016
Helen and Amanda were discussing their busy schedules.

Helen said, "Amanda, I must ask you something. Every day I feel incredibly run down and tired. And yet, I see you looking as fresh as a rose. I have to know: what's your secret?"

"My secret? Every morning, without fail, I wake up at six o'clock sharp."

"You wake up at six o'clock?"

"Yes, and then I look at the clock, see what time it is, and go back to sleep for another four hours."

Farmer Comeback - September 1, 2016
A wise old farmer went to town to buy a pickup truck that he saw advertised in the paper for a certain price. After telling the salesman which truck he wanted, they sat down to do the paperwork. When the salesman handed the farmer the bill, and the farmer exclaimed, "This isn't the price I saw!"

The salesman went on to tell the farmer how he was getting extras such as power brakes, power windows, special tires etc. and that was what raised the price up.  The farmer needed the truck badly, paid the price and went home.

A few months later, the salesman called up the farmer and said, "My son is in 4-H and he needs a cow for a project. Do you have any for sale?"
The farmer said, "Yes, I have a few cows, and I would sell for $500.00 a piece.  Come look at them and take your pick."

The salesman and his son appeared a short while later and after spending a few hours in the field checking out all the cows the two decided on one and the salesman proceeded to write out a check for $500.00.

The farmer said, "Now, wait a minute, that's not the final price of the cow. You're getting extras with it and you have to pay for that too."

"What extras?" asked the salesman.

The farmer then handed him the following list:
BASIC COW..............................$500.00
Two tone exterior.......................$45.00
Extra stomach............................$75.00
Product storing equipment.......$60.00
Straw compartment...................$120.00
4 Spigots @$10 ea...................$40.00
Leather upholstery.....................$125.00
Dual horns..................................$45.00
Automatic fly swatter.................$38.00
fertilizer attachment...................$185.00
GRAND TOTAL.......................$1,233.00

August 2016

Guard Dog - August 31, 2016
My sister-in-law, a truck driver, decided to get a dog for protection.

As she inspected a likely candidate, the trainer told her, "He doesn't like men."

"Perfect," my sister-in-law thought and took the dog.

Then one day she was approached by two men in a parking lot, and she watched to see how her canine bodyguard would react.

Soon it became clear that the trainer wasn't kidding.

As the men got closer, the dog ran under the nearest car.

Encyclopedia Surprise - August 30, 2016
Working as a computer instructor for an adult-education program at a community college, I am keenly aware of the gap in computer knowledge between my younger and older students.

My observations were confirmed the day a new student walked into our library area and glanced at the encyclopedia volumes stacked on a bookshelf.

"What are all these books?" he asked.

Somewhat surprised, I replied that they were encyclopedias.

"Really?" he said. Someone printed out the whole thing?"

Teacher's Gifts
- August 29, 2016
On a special teacher's day, a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils. The florist's son handed her a gift. She shook it, held it over her head, and said, "I bet I know what it is - flowers!"

"That's right!" said the boy, "but how did you know?"

"Just a wild guess," she said.

The next pupil was the candy store owner's daughter. The teacher held her gift overhead, shook it, and said, "I bet I can guess what it is - a box of candy!"

"That's right! But how did you know?" asked the girl.

"Just a lucky guess," said the teacher.

The next gift was from the liquor store owner's son. The teacher held the bag over her head and noticed that it was leaking. She touched a drop with her finger and tasted it.  "Is it wine?" she asked.

"No," the boy replied.

The teacher repeated the process, touching another drop to her tongue.  "Is it champagne?" she asked.

"No," the boy replied.

The teacher then said, "I give up, what is it?"

The boy replied, "A puppy!"

Accents - August 26, 2016
About a year ago my sister, who lives in Virginia, was talking with her four year old son, Brent.

He was asking her why all their relatives from Wisconsin talk funny and sound like their noses are plugged up.

"They think we have an accent," she replied.

"But they have an accent, right?" Brent asked. "They talk funny."

"Everybody talks in different ways" she tried to explain.

"To them, we sound like we talk very slow and all our words are d-r-a-w-n out."

His eyes got big, and he whispered seriously, "Oh, no. You mean they hear funny too?"

My job is in the Aerospace Industry, and it's always been a challenge to explain what kind of work I do. At one gathering, I tried several unsuccessful attempted explanations before deciding to be as generic as possible. When the subject came up while I was talking with a group of guys, I replied simply, "Defence Contractor."

The men nodded, and as the conversation went on, I silently declared victory to myself. Then, one of them turned to me and asked, "So, what do you put up mainly? Chain-link?"

Inspiration - August 25, 2016
A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write a sermon.

"How do you know what to say?" he asked.

"Why, God tells me."

"Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?"

Recruiting Crisis - August 24, 2016
The chief of staff of the Air Force decided that he would personally intervene in a recruiting crisis affecting all of our armed services. So he directed that a nearby Air Force base be opened and that all eligible young men and women be invited. As he and his staff were standing near a brand new F-15 Fighter, a pair of twin brothers who looked like they had just stepped off a Marine Corps recruiting poster walked up to them.

The chief of staff walked up to them, stuck out his hand and introduced himself. He looked at the first young man and asked, "Son, what skills can you bring to the Air Force?"

The young man looks at him and says, "I'm a pilot!"

The general turns to his aide and says, "Sign him up -- all the paper work done, everything, do it today!" The aide hustles the young man off.

The general looks at the second young man and asked, "What skills can you bring to the Air Force?"

The young man says, "I chop wood!"

"Son," the general replies, "we don't need woodchoppers in the Air Force. What else do you know how to do?"

"I chop wood!"

"Young man," huffs the general, "you are not listening to me. We don't need woodchoppers; this is the 21st century!"

"Well," the young man says, "you hired my brother!"

"Of course we did," says the general, "But he's a pilot!"

The young man rolls his eyes and says, "I HAVE to chop it before he can pile it!"

Courtesy - August 23, 2016
It was a Saturday afternoon, and Ray had rushed down to the local supermarket to hurriedly pick up some hamburger rolls, chips and a few condiments. The big game was going to be on, so he was having a few friends over to watch it.

The store was loaded with shoppers and as he headed for the six item express lane, the only one that didn't have a long line, a woman completely ignoring the overhead sign slipped into the check-out line just in front of him pushing a cart piled high with groceries.

Ray was quietly fuming at the anticipated delay. But the elderly cashier beckoned the woman to come forward, looked into the cart and asked ever so sweetly, "So Dearie, which six items would you like to buy?"

Things You Would Never Know Without The Movies - August 22, 2016
- It is always possible to park directly outside any building you are visiting.

- A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

- If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.

- Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.

- It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

- When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.

- No one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.

- Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

- When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other. If they're villains, they will probably speak with an English accent.

- You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.

- Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds, unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.

- An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight-year-old child.

- Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment you turn the television on.

Brain Vs Brawn - August 19, 2016
The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could out do anyone in a feat of strength.

He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen.

After several minutes, the older worker had had enough.

"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is?" he said.

"I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that building that you won't be able to wheel back."

"You're on, old man," the young guy replied.

The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles.

Then he turned to the young man and said, "Alright. Get in."

Moving Label
- August 18, 2016
Having moved 15 times during our 37-year marriage, my husband and I appreciate movers who take the time to label carefully boxes they pack for us.

The accuracy of labels can make a huge difference when we try to find something right away.

My favorite was done by one guy who attached this sticker to a box - obviously not knowing how to spell the best one word description:

"Animals you hit with a stick at a Mexican party."

Earthly Treasures - August 17, 2016
Showing his friend around his his home, Fred started to point out all of the collectibles he and his wife had acquired over their long years of marriage.
"The day before I die, I'm going to sell every piece we've got just to see how much it's all worth."
"But you couldn't possibly know the day before you were going to die, so how could you sell it."
"Simple: If I sell it, my wife would kill me!"

Never Too Old
- August 16, 2016
Two elderly gentlemen were visiting.  "I guess you're never too old," the first one boasted. "Why just yesterday a pretty college girl said she'd be interested in dating me.  But to be perfectly honest, I don't quite understand it."

"Well," said his friend, "you have to remember that nowadays women are more aggressive. They
don't mind being the one to ask."

"No, I don't think it's that."

"Well, maybe you remind her of her father."

"No, it's not that either. It's just that she also mentioned something about carbon 14."

Deer Hunting - August 15, 2016
A group of friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day.

That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.

"Where's Henry?"

"Henry had a nasty fall and broke both of his legs. He's a couple of miles back up the trail."

"You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back!?!"

"A tough call," nodded the hunter, "but I figured no one is going to steal Henry!"

Mute Golf - August 12, 2016
A man was about to tee off on the golf course when he felt a tap on his shoulder and a man handed him a card that read "I am mute. I am not able to speak. May I play through, please?"

The first man angrily gave the card back, and communicated that "No, he may not play through, and that his handicap did not give him such a right." He whacked the ball onto the green and left to finish the hole.

Just as he was about to put the ball into the hole he was hit in the head with a golf ball, laying him out cold. When he came to a few minutes later, he looked around and saw the mute sternly looking at him, holding up 4 fingers.

Trooper Delivery - August 11, 2016
One day a State Trooper was pulling off an expressway near Chicago.

When he turned onto the street at the end of the ramp, he noticed someone at a chicken place getting into his car. The driver placed the bucket of chicken on top of his car, got in and drove off with the bucket still on top of his car.

The trooper pursued him, pulled him over and walking up to the car he pulled the bucket off the roof and offered it to the driver.

The driver looked at the trooper and said, "No thanks, I just bought some."

Card Dog
- August 10, 2016
A man walked by a table in a hotel and noticed three men and a dog playing cards.

The dog was exhibiting an extraordinary performance.

"This is a very smart dog," the man commented.

"He's not so smart," said one of the irked players.

"Every time he gets a good hand he wags his tail."

Freckles Are Beautiful, Aging, True Beauty - August 9, 2016
An older woman and her little grandson, whose face was sprinkled with bright freckles, spent the day at the zoo. Lots of children were waiting in line to get their cheeks painted by a local artist who was decorating them with tiger paws.

"You've got so many freckles, there's no place to paint!" a little girl in the line said to the little fella.

Embarrassed, the little boy dropped his head.

His grandmother knelt down next to him. "I love your freckles. When I was a little girl I always wanted freckles," she said, while tracing her finger across the child's cheek. "Freckles are beautiful."

The boy looked up, "Really?"

"Of course," said the grandmother. "Why just name me one thing that's prettier than freckles."

The little boy thought for a moment, peered intensely into his grandmother's face, and softly whispered, "wrinkles."

Window Washer - August 8, 2016
There was a gentleman in the hospital bed next to me. He was covered with bandages from head to toe.

I said to him, "What do you do for a living?" 

He said, "I'm a former window washer."

I asked, "When did you give it up?"

He said, "Halfway down."

Checking Out - August 5, 2016
I was browsing in a souvenir shop when the man next to me struck up a conversation.

Just as he was telling me that his wife was getting carried away with her shopping, a brief power shortage caused the lights to flicker overhead.

"Ah," he sighed, "that must be her checking out now."

Vision Trouble - August 14 2016
I'm having some vision trouble today: I can't see myself doing anything.

Punishment vs. Vengeance
A schoolteacher was given a ticket for driving through a red light.

When she appeared in traffic court, she asked the judge for immediate attention to her case as she was due to be back in class.

The judge looked at her sternly and said:

"So you're a schoolteacher. I am about to realize a lifelong ambition. You sit down at that table over there and write 'I went through a stop sign.' FIVE HUNDRED TIMES!"

Superior Milk - August 3, 2016
The wise old Mother Superior was dying. The nuns gathered around her bed, trying to make her comfortable. They gave her some warm milk to drink, but she refused it.

Then one nun took the glass back to the kitchen. Remembering a bottle of whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.

Back at Mother Superior's bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother drank a little, then a little more, then before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop.

"Mother, Mother" the nuns cried, "Give us some wisdom before you die!"

She raised herself up in bed with a pious look on her face and pointing out the window, she said,

"Don't sell that cow!"

Politically Correct Light Bulb - August 2, 2016
"How many politically-correct people does it take to screw in a light-bulb?"

"Look, I don't know, but that's not funny."

Careless Words - August 1, 2016
While my son was on board the Navy carrier USS GEORGE WASHINGTON, the air wing was busy with training missions.

After talking to a pilot, one air-traffic controller accidentally left his microphone on and remarked to a nearby buddy, "That guy sounded just like Elmer Fudd."

The airwaves got strangely quiet as everyone listened, realizing that the pilot had also heard the comment. After about ten seconds, the pilot broke the silence by announcing,

"Be vewy, vewy quiet. We are hunting submawenes."