Good, Clean Jokes and Funny Stories
Good, Clean Jokes and Funny Stories
While the Bible isn't a joke book, it is obvious that humor played an important role in Hebrew culture. When drought hit Jacob's world he turned to his sons and said, "Why are you staring at one another...Go down [to Egypt] and buy some for us" (Gen 42:1-2). I also hear humor in some of Jesus' remarks, like when He renamed James and John the "sons of thunder" or when He said the Pharisees where like whitewashed tombs, full of dead men's bones (Matt 23). I think we need the picture of Jesus laughing and enjoying people. In fact, while Jesus indeed had many hard things to say, He was also full of emotion, joy and celebration. Even as He rebuked the Pharisees, we see a glimpse of His demeanor in ministry when He scolded them saying, "We played the flute for you, but you would not dance" (Matt 11). There was something very non-religious in Jesus that laughter, celebration and humor is part of. Hopefully, these jokes, stories and quips will help make your day more merry as you walk with the Lord Jesus through this world.
Security Tips - January 30, 2017
The following are notices that homeowners can place in a few strategic locations to keep burglars away.
Dear Butcher: Starting tomorrow, please leave eight pounds of meat for Brutus. Six pounds only makes him angry and vicious!
Dear Letter Carrier: We found bloodstains all over our mail. They must be yours. The next time you put mail into our mail-slot, please be sure to keep all parts of your body well clear of the openings. PS: Any sign of that book we sent for, "The
Care and Feeding of Wild Jungle Cats"?
Dear Exterminator: Be very careful when you go inside! The termites have eaten through most of the floorboards and you will fall into the basement where all of the rats are!
To whom it may concern: Some of the items in this house have been engraved with Federal
Identification Numbers. Others have merely been wired to explode when touched. Good luck...
Selma, don't come in! The boa constrictor got loose again.
What Would I Be? - January 27, 2017
A Sunday school teacher was teaching her class about the difference between right and wrong.
"All right children, let's take another example," she said. "If I were to get into a man's pocket and take his wallet with all his money, what would I be?"
Little Johnny raised his hand, and with a confident smile, he blurts out, "You'd be his wife!"
Wet Clothes - January 26, 2017
Cassie was a really good mom. When her children were growing up, her one son gave her more "stop and count to 10" periods than any of the others.
Once, after her small son fell into the pond and came home with his good school clothes dripping wet, the exasperated Cassie sent him to his room while she washed and dried his clothes.
A little later, Cassie heard a commotion in the back yard. She called out, "Are you out there wetting your pants again!?"
There was dead silence for a moment. Then a deep, masculine voice answered meekly, "No, ma'am, I'm just reading the meter."
Canned Email Warning - January 25, 2017
WARNING!! There is an email going around offering processed pork, gelatin and salt in a can.
If you get this email DO NOT OPEN IT!
It is Spam
Vengeance - January 24, 2017
In the traffic court of a large Midwestern city, a young woman was brought before the judge to answer for a ticket she received for driving through a red light.
She explained to the judge that she was a school teacher and requested an immediate dismissal of her case so she could get to the school on time.
A wild gleam came into the judge's eyes.
"You're a schoolteacher?" he said. "Madam, I shall realize my lifelong ambition. I've waited years to have a schoolteacher in this court.
Now sit down at that table and write 'I will not drive through red lights' 500 times!"
Birthday Heart Attack - January 23, 2017
Realizing at the last minute that it was his father's birthday, a teenage boy rushed to the corner store to grab a card.
He quickly found a son-to-father card but neglected to read it carefully.
Later when his father opened his gifts, he was surprised to read aloud,
"Happy birthday to a wonderful Dad. Now that I'm a father too . . ."
Knowing Your Spouse - January 20, 2017
One of the funniest memories I have of the trials and tribulations of making the journey from childhood to adulthood was our annual summer vacation trek from Chicago to a cabin usually someplace on a lake in Wisconsin or Michigan.
Every year, it seems, we would get on a highway a few miles out of the city, and mom would wail, "Oh my goodness! I think left the iron on." And almost every year we would turn around and go back. But as I recall, not once was it was ever plugged in.
She often had the same fear that all our earthly possessions would disappear in a fire caused by
When I was about 14 years old, we were headed out of Chicago for Lake Geneva, Wisconsin and, sure enough, Mom gasped, "I just know I left the iron on."
My father didn't say a word, just pulled over onto the shoulder of the road, got out, opened the trunk and handed her the iron.
Time to Pick Up - January 19, 2017
A blind man was describing his favorite sport, parachuting. When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him: "I am placed in the door and told when to jump. My hand is placed on my release ring for me, and out I go."
"But how do you know when you are going to land?" he was asked.
"I have a very keen sense of smell and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground" he answered.
"But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?" he was again asked.
The man quickly answered. "Oh, the dog's leash goes slack..."
Phone Calls - January 18, 2017
Caller: I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff, please.
Operator: I'm sorry, there's no such listing. Are you sure you have the spelling correct?
Caller : Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the B fell off.
Caller: I'd like the number of the Scottish knitwear company in Woven.
Operator: I can't find a town called 'Woven'? Are you sure?
Caller: Yes. That's what it says on the label - Woven in Scotland.
Caller: I'd like the RSPCA, please.
Operator: Where are you calling from?
Caller: The living room.
Caller: The water board, please.
Operator: Which department?
Caller: Tap water
Operator: How are you spelling that?
Caller: With letters.
Caller: I'd like the number for a Reverend in Cardiff, please.
Operator: Do you have his name?
Caller: No, but he has a dog named Ben.
Caller: The Union of Shopkeepers and Alligators, please.
Operator: You mean the Amalgamated Union of Shopkeepers?
Caller: Er, yes.
Give Tech Support A Break - January 17, 2017
Our tech company uses satellite communications to send and receive messages from tugboats moving barges up and down major rivers. Each day, by 2pm, the tugboats send data on the day's activities to the company's traffic department.
At least that's how it is supposed to work.
"I got a call from our traffic department saying they only received data from about half the boats, and would I check on it?" the technician Don says.
He calls the satellite company, but the satellite technician there says there's no problem on his end.
Meanwhile, the traffic department calls again - they're still not getting messages from the missing boats.
"So I called the boats and got them to re-send the messages, and they came through," says Don. "The problem apparently cleared itself up."
But he isn't quite satisfied. "I called the satellite company back to see what happened, and what we could do if the problem recurred."
The satellite company's technician didn't know what happened and didn't have any way of finding out. "In order to track the messages, we would need an identification number from the message," he tells us.
"We could find out those numbers eventually," Don figures.
"Also, the identification numbers are recycled every half hour," tech continues.
"So I need to get you the identification number within that time?" Don asks.
"Right," says the satellite tech.
"So to summarize," says our tech Don glumly, "we need to give you the identification numbers of the messages we haven't received, within half an hour of not receiving them?"
Songs For People Over 40 - January 16, 2017
*Top 10 Songs for People Over 40*
10. Let's Get a Physical
9. Ain't No Burrito Mild Enough
8. Johnny B. Olde
7. How Do You Mend a Broken Everything
6. The Lack O' Motion
5. Hair Potion Number Nine
4. Doctor My Eyes (And Ears and Joints and Back and...)
3. To All the Girls I've Disappointed Before
2. A Hard Day's Nap
And the Number One song for people over 40 ...
1. Knock Knock Knockin' on the Bathroom Door
Successful Marriage - January 13, 2017
A couple had been married for 45 years and had raised a brood of 11 children and were blessed with 22 grandchildren.
When asked the secret for staying together all that time, the wife replied, "Many years ago we made a promise to each other: the first one to pack up and leave has to take all the kids."
Mumba Hunt - January 12, 2017
A guy was visiting his friend in the hospital who was "all torn up."
"What happened?" he asked.
"Well, we were hunting the Mumba snake. It has orange and black stripes. It likes to sun itself lying across a pathway in the jungle. You catch it by grabbing the tip of its tail with one hand and quickly running your other hand up the length of its body so you can grab it behind the neck."
"Go on." the friend said.
"Well, I stealthily sneaked up to the tail laying across the jungle path, grabbed it by the end and rapidly moved my other hand upward, just as the procedure goes."
"So why are you so beaten up?" the friend asked.
"Have you ever 'goosed' a tiger?"
Dressing The Kids - January 11, 2017
The mother of a large family was explaining why she dresses her children alike, right down to the youngest baby.
"When we had just four children, I dressed them alike so we wouldn't lose any of them."
"Now," she added, looking around at her brood of nine, "I dress them alike so we won't pick up any that don't belong to us."
Trying To Manipulate God - January 10, 2017
A businessman who needed millions of dollars to clinch an important deal went to church to pray for the money. By chance, he knelt next to a man who was praying for $100 to pay an urgent debt.
The businessman took out his wallet and pressed $100 into the other man's hand. Overjoyed, the man got up and left the church.
The businessman then closed his eyes and prayed, "And now, Lord, that I have your undivided attention..."
Seconds First - January 9, 2017
A young woman wasn't feeling well and asked one her co-workers to recommend a physician.
"I know a great one in the city, but he is very expensive. Five hundred dollars for the first visit, and one hundred dollars for each one after that."
The woman went to the doctor's office and, trying to save a little money, cheerily announced.
Not fooled for a second, the doctor quickly examined her and said, "Very good, just continue the treatment I prescribed on your last visit."
Rounded Boulders - January 6, 2017
Millions of years ago, there was no such thing as the wheel; the only way to move things was by carrying or dragging. One day, some primitive guys were watching their wives drag a dead mastodon to the food preparation area. It was exhausting work; the guys were getting tired just
Then they noticed some large, smooth, rounded boulders, and they had an idea: They could sit on the boulders and watch!
This was the first in a series of breakthroughs that ultimately led to television.
Karmel Recipe - January 5, 2017
The Sunday school teacher was carefully explaining the story of Elijah the Prophet and the false prophets of Baal.
She explained how Elijah built the altar, put wood upon it, cut the steer in pieces and laid it upon the altar.
And then Elijah commanded the people of God to fill four barrels of water and pour it over the altar. He had them do this four times.
"Now, said the teacher, "can anyone in the class tell me why the Lord would have Elijah pour water over the steer on the altar?"
A little girl in the back of the room raised her hand with great enthusiasm. "To make the gravy," came her enthusiastic reply.
Hearing Aid - January 4, 2017
While talking with my semi-deaf uncle one evening, I noticed that his "hearing aid" was actually an earphone from a transistor radio. The wire had been cut and was sticking out of his shirt.
"How does that help your hearing?" I asked.
"Don't help my hearing none," he replied. "Makes people talk louder."
Sons-In-Law And Daughters-In-Law - January 3, 2017
Congratulating a friend after her son and daughter got married within a month of each other, a woman asked, "What kind of boy did your daughter marry?"
"Oh, he's wonderful," gushed the mother. "He lets her sleep late, wants her to go to the beauty parlour regularly, and insists
on taking her out to dinner every night."
"That's sounds lovely," said the woman. "What about your son?"
"I'm not so happy about that," the mother sighed. "His wife sleeps late, spends all her time in the beauty parlour, and makes them eat take-out meals!"
Lumberjack - January 2, 2017
A man comes up to the owner of a lumberjack business and says, "I need a job and I think I'm pretty good."
The owner replied, "Okay, show me what you can do, chop down that redwood over there." The man said okay and left. Five minutes later he came back and was done.
The owner was shocked and asked, "How did you chop that tree down so fast?"
The man said, "I got a lot of practice in the Sahara."
The owner replied, "You mean the Sahara desert?"
"Yes" he said, "or at least that's what they call it now."
How Much Are Your Dogs - December 30, 2016
If you are not sure what a Goober is, there is a picture of one here.
It seems this Goober was wanting a dog for a pet, so he went to the local pet store to buy one.
He asked the clerk "how much are your dogs?"
She replied, "They are $10.00 apiece."
The goober replied, "How much for a whole one?!"
Blame - December 29, 2016
When the English playwright Oscar Wilde arrived at his club late at night after witnessing the first presentation of a play that had been a complete failure, someone asked. "How did your play go tonight, Oscar?
"Oh," said Wilde, "the play was a great success. The audience was a failure."
Home Mechanic Tools - December 28, 2016
Home Mechanics Tools and their usage:
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of radar device to locate expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.
MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing seats and motorcycle jackets.
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling mounting holes in fenders just above the brake line that goes to the rear wheel.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the pessimism principle.
It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VICE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your garage on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a brake drum you're trying to get the bearing grease out of.
WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been searching for, the last 15 minutes.
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your coffee across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you were drying.
More Home Mechanic Tools - December 27, 2016
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say, "Ouc...."
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a motorcycle to the ground after you have installed your new front disk brake set-up, trapping the jack handle firmly under the front fender.
EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a motorcycle upward off a hydraulic jack.
TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.
PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.
SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.
E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.
TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease build up.
TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and brake lines you may have forgotten to disconnect.
CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.
BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from a car battery to the inside of your tool box after determining that your battery is dead as a door nail, just as you thought.
METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under motorcycles at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads and can double as oil filter removal wrench by stabbing through stubborn oil filters.
AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last tightened 60 years ago by someone in Springfield, and rounds them off.
PRYBAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.
Mail Problems - December 26, 2016
Thanks to Kim Harding for day's real life laugh from her family.
Dear Pastor Tim,
This is a true story, My husband's grandmother passed away and for many months afterwards my father-in-law made repeated phone calls to attempt to stop a company from sending mail to the house for his deceased mother.
In frustration, he finally filled out a change of address card changing her address to the Jefferson Memorial Park where she was laid to rest.
It worked! No more mailings came to the house.
Mandatory Attendance - December 23, 2016
It used to be that in order for a college student to receive credit for a particular course, a card that listed his or her courses had to be signed by the instructor/lecturer. It was, at the time, policy that students attend their courses. But depending on the size of the class, it was often possible to receive credit, even after not attending the class regularly.
Not so with this physics professor. If he didn't recognize you, you would have to repeat the course. On one occasion, a student handed his card to the professor to be signed. The professor looked at the name, then at the student, and said, "I've never seen you in my class," and handed back the card.
Now being a quick thinking science major, the student proceeded to the end of the line. When he was at the front again, he handed his card to the professor.
The professor looked at the name, then at the student, and said, "OK, you look familiar." signed the card.
Attention Drug Dealers - December 22, 2016
Attention Drug Dealers operating in the Randall County area: Tax Season is upon you!
With the April 15th deadline rapidly approaching, we know how hard it can be for you to provide a detailed accounting of your business related income and expenses. Could that late night trip to a remote parking lot be a business expense? Can you claim mileage if using a stolen vehicle for business transactions? What about the expensive spray paint used to redecorate it? Is there a deduction available for the bond money you will need after responding to this offer?
That’s why our Certified Drug Transaction Reporting Specialists will be available, 24/7, FREE of charge, to assist you with analyzing your business dealings. Simply come on down to our offices at 9100 South Georgia Street and ask for the “TAX SECURITY SPECIAL!”Our specialists will sit down with you and go over the details of your operation. Records and receipts of your business expenses and transactions are very helpful.
Great referral benefits if you bring your business partners or refer our services to your friends! If you don’t operate in the Randall County area: NO WORRIES! We have an extensive nationwide network of affiliate branches that we are happy to contact on your behalf to set up a local appointment!As a special bonus to those who respond soon: We will provide you with an all-inclusive vacation to . . . THE POKEY!
Hurry in now! Space is limited!
No Speaka Da German - December 21, 2016
A few years ago, I decided to visit my brother who was stationed in Germany. I assumed that most Germans would speak English. But I found that many people spoke only their native tongue - including the ticket inspector on the train.
He punched my ticket, then chatted cordially for a bit, making gestures like a windmill. I simply nodded from time to time to show him that I was interested.
When he had gone, an American woman in the compartment leaned forward and asked if I spoke German.
"No," I confessed.
"Then that explains," she said, "why you didn't bat an eyelid when he told you that you were on the wrong train."
Oil Spill - December 20, 2016
After a lady's car had leaked motor oil on her cement driveway, she bought a large bag of cat litter to soak it up.
It worked so well, that she went back to the convenience store to get another bag to finish the job.
Remembering her, the clerk remarked, "Lady, if that were my cat, I'd put him outside!"
Perfection - December 19, 2016
An off-duty police officer, familiar with radar guns, drove through a school zone within the legal speed limit when the flash of a camera went off, taking a picture of his license plate. The officer, thinking the radar was in error, drove by again; even more slowly. Another flash. He did it again for a third time, at an even slower speed. Same result.
"This guy must have mixed up the settings," the off-duty officer thought.
A few weeks later, when he received the violations in the mail, he discovered three traffic tickets: each for not wearing a seat belt!
Kids Perspective - December 16, 2016
Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
The Difference Of A Year - December 15, 2016
Our seven-year-old daughter was thrilled when we took her to Disney World for the first time, and she headed straight for Space Mountain.
I worried that the roller coaster would be too scary for her, but she insisted.
To her delight, we rode it twice.
The next year we returned to the Magic Kingdom, and my daughter, now eight, again dragged me to Space Mountain.
As we stood in line, though, I could see her soberly studying the signs that warn about the ride's speed.
"Dad," she said, "I don't think I want to go."
I asked her why she would be nervous when she had enjoyed herself last time.
She replied, "This year, I can read."
Sore Knee - December 14, 2016
Old man Johnson limped into the doctor's office and said, "Doc, my right knee hurts so bad, I can hardly walk!"
The doctor slowly eyed him from head to toe, paused and then said, "Mr. Johnson, just how old are you?"
"98!" Johnson announced proudly.
The doctor just sighed, and looked at him again.
Finally he said, "Sir, I'm sorry. I mean, just look at you. You're practically one hundred years old, and you're complaining that your knee hurts? Well, what do you expect?"
The old man said, "Well, my other knee is 98 years old too, and it don't hurt!"
3rd Grader's Explanation Of God - December 13, 2016
"One of God's main jobs is making people. He makes them to replace the ones that die so there will be enough people to take care of things on earth. He doesn't make grown-ups, just babies. I think because they are smaller and easier to make. That way, He doesn't have to take up His valuable time teaching them to talk and walk. He can just leave that to mothers and fathers.
"God's second most important job is listening to prayers. An awful lot of this goes on, since some people, like preachers and things, pray at times besides bedtime. God doesn't have time to listen to the radio or TV because of this. Because He hears everything there must be a terrible lot of noise in His ears, unless He has thought of a way to turn it off. God sees everything and hears everything and is everywhere which keeps Him pretty busy. So you shouldn't go wasting His time by going over your mom and dad's head asking for something they said you couldn't have.
"Atheists are people who don't believe in God. I don't think there are any in Chula Vista. At least there aren't any who come to our church. Jesus is God's Son. He used to do all the hard work like walking on water and performing miracles and trying to teach the people who didn't want to learn about God. They finally got tired of Him preaching to them and they crucified Him.But He was good and kind like His Father and He told His Father that they didn't know what they were doing and to forgive them and God said OK.
"His Dad (God) appreciated everything that He had done and all His hard work on earth so He told Him He didn't have to go out on the road anymore, He could stay in heaven. So He did. And now He helps His Dad out by listening to prayers and seeing things which are important for God to take care of and which ones He can take care of Himself without having to bother God. Like a secretary only more important. You can pray anytime you want and they are sure to hear you because they got it worked out so one of them is on duty all the time.
"You should always go to Church on Sunday because it makes God happy, and if there's anybody you want to make happy, it's God. Don't skip church to do something you think will be more fun like going to the beach. This is wrong! And, besides, the sun doesn't come out at the beach until noon anyway.
"If you don't believe in God, besides being an atheist, you will be very lonely, because your parents can't go everywhere with you, like to camp, but God can. It is good to know He's around you when you're scared in the dark or when you can't swim very good and you get thrown into real deep water by big kids. But you shouldn't just always think of what God can do for you. I figure God put me here and He can take me back anytime He pleases.
"And that's why I believe in God."
Grumbling - December 12, 2016
A man had a habit of grumbling at the food his wife placed before him at family meals. Then he would ask the blessing. One day after his usual combination complaint-prayer, his little girl asked, "Daddy, does God hear us when we pray?"
"Why, of course," he replied. "He hears us every time we pray."
She thought about this a moment, then asked, "Does he hear what we say when we're not praying too?"
"Yes, dear, every word," he replied, encouraged that he had inspired his daughter to be curious about spiritual matters.
His pride however was quickly turned to humility when she asked:
"Then which does God believe?"
Commando Moses - December 9, 2016
Nine year old Joey, was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday school.
"Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When he got to the Red Sea, he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely. Then he used his walkie-talkie to radio headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved."
"Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?" his mother asked.
"Well, no, Mom. But if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!"
Encouragement - December 8, 2016
While visiting the Atlanta area, I walked through a lovely park with a wide path where people could jog, run their dogs or ride trail bikes. As I descended a hill, I saw a woman coming toward me, pushing a stroller with two toddlers in it.
"We're coming to a hill," the woman announced to her children, "so you'll have to help me. Are you ready?"
I wondered how the little ones could be of assistance, but as I passed by I heard them earnestly repeating their encouragement:
"I think I can, I think I can..."
Shopping Vengeance - December 7, 2016
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television in her purse.
"Do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him."
Read the Label - December 6, 2016
It was in the early 1960's and spray deodorant, new to the market, was being advertised on television about six times a day. I was still living at home with my parents saving money for college. One afternoon after a hard day of construction and before dinner I took a nice hot shower.
After drying off I spotted a new spray can on the bathroom shelf.
The label read "SafeGuard" and I was so surprised that my mom had bought some of that new deodorant so I sprayed a liberal amount under each arm.
When I entered the kitchen, where mom was fixing dinner, I thanked her for getting some new spray deodorant but also complained that it was pretty sticky and I didn't know if I really liked it yet.
Her response still rings in my ears - "I didn't buy any spray deodorant, but I did buy some of that new bandage spray, SafeGuard!"
After shaving my armpits, attempting to lift my arms, and enduring hours of laughter by my entire family, I realized that RightGuard and SafeGuard were not the same thing.
Thankfulness - December 5, 2016
A Christian farmer spent the day in the city.
In a restaurant for his meal, he sat near a group of young men. After he bowed his head to give thanks for his food, one of the young men thought he would embarrass the old gentleman.
"Hey, farmer, does everyone do that out where you live?"
The old man calmly replied, "No, son, the pigs don't!"
Contractor - December 2, 2016
My job is in the Aerospace Industry, and it's always been a challenge to explain what kind of work I do. At one gathering, I tried several unsuccessful attempted explanations before deciding to be as generic as possible. When the subject came up while I was talking with a group of guys, I replied simply, "De fence Contractor."
The men nodded, and as the conversation went on, I silently declared victory to myself. Then, one of them turned to me and asked, "So, what do you put up mainly? Chain-link?"
Inheritances - December 1, 2016
Jack has died. His lawyer is standing before the family and reads out Jack's Last Will and Testament.
"To my dear wife Esther, I leave the house, 50 acres of land, and 1 million dollars."
"To my son Barry, I leave my Big Lexus and the Jaguar."
"To my daughter Suzy, I leave my yacht and $250,000."
"And to my brother-in-law Jeff, who always insisted that health is better than wealth, I leave my sun lamp."