Good, Clean Jokes and Funny Stories


Good, Clean Jokes and Funny Stories


While the Bible isn't a joke book, it is obvious that humor played an important role in Hebrew culture. When drought hit Jacob's world he turned to his sons and said, "Why are you staring at one another...Go down [to Egypt] and buy some for us" (Gen 42:1-2). I also hear humor in some of Jesus' remarks, like when He renamed James and John the "sons of thunder" or when He said the Pharisees where like whitewashed tombs, full of dead men's bones (Matt 23). I think we need the picture of Jesus laughing and enjoying people. In fact, while Jesus indeed had many hard things to say, He was also full of emotion, joy and celebration. Even as He rebuked the Pharisees, we see a glimpse of His demeanor in ministry when He scolded them saying, "We played the flute for you, but you would not dance" (Matt 11). There was something very non-religious in Jesus that laughter, celebration and humor is part of. Hopefully, these jokes, stories and quips will help make your day more merry as you walk with the Lord Jesus through this world.

Francis

November 2020

November 30, 2020 - Moses and the Red Sea
Nine-year-old Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday School.

"Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt . When he got to the Red Sea , he had his army build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely. Then he radioed headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved."

"Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?" his Mother asked.

"Well, no, Mom, but, if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!"

November 29, 2020 - The Lord is My Shepherd
A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible - Psalm 23. She gave the youngsters a month to learn the chapter.

Little Rick was excited about the task - but he just couldn't remember the Psalm. After much practice, he could barely get past the first line.

On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Ricky was so nervous. When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly, "The Lord is my Shepherd, and that's all I need to know."

November 28, 2020 - Unanswered Prayer
The preacher's 5 year-old daughter noticed that her father always paused and bowed his head for a moment before starting his sermon. One day, she asked him why.

"Well, Honey," he began, proud that his daughter was so observant of his messages. "I'm asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon."

"How come He doesn't answer it?" she asked.

November 27, 2020 - Being Thankful
A Rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy, "So your mother says your prayers for you each night? That's very commendable. What does she say?"

The little boy replied, "Thank God he's in bed!"

November 26, 2020 - Untimely Answered Prayer
During the minister's prayer one Sunday, there was a loud whistle from one of the back pews. Tommy's mother was horrified. She pinched him into silence and, after church, asked, "Tommy, whatever made you do such a thing?"

Tommy answered soberly, "I asked God to teach me to whistle, and He did!"


November 23, 2020 - Lot's WifeThe Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot's wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt, when little Jason interrupted, "My Mommy looked back once while she was driving," he announced triumphantly, "And she turned into a telephone pole!"


November 22, 2020 - Good Samaritan
A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan. She asked the class, "If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?"

A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, "I think I'd throw up."


November 21, 2020 - Did Noah Fish?
A Sunday school teacher asked, "Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark ?"

"No," replied Johnny. "How could he, with just two worms."


November 20, 2020 - Higher Power
A Sunday school teacher said to her children, "We have been learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times. But, there is a Higher Power. Can anybody tell me what it is?"

One child blurted out, "Aces!"


November 19, 2020 - Toll Booth
An automobile driver was driving along when he approached a toll booth.

Because he was also using his cell phone, he did not pay enough attention and swerved, crashing into an adjacent toll booth which fortunately was not occupied at the moment. However, the impact completely smashed the toll booth into hundreds of little pieces.

He immediately pulled over. Presently a work crew arrived. The crew leader got out, got out a large paint can full of some kind of white liquid. He and the rest of the crew immediately brushed the contents of that can onto the broken pieces of the toll booth and started putting it back together again.

After about twenty minutes, the job was done; the toll booth looked as good as new.

"That is amazing, said the man to the crew chief. May I ask what is that white liquid you were brushing onto the broken pieces?"

"Yes, of course. A number of folks have asked about that," the repair crew leader said. "That, sir is toll gate booth paste."


November 16, 2020 - Morning March
I was a new Army basic trainee at Fort McClellan, and one requirement was a demanding 12-mile march. We got started at 6 a.m. and were pumped up for the trek.

An hour later, feeling the heavy load of our packs, we wondered if the end would ever come.

"Men," our sergeant yelled, "you're doing a fine job. We've already covered four miles!"

Revitalized, we picked up the pace.

"And," continued Sarge, "we should reach the starting point any minute now."


November 15, 2020 - Religion Class
One day a discussion was focused on St. Francis of Assisi in a First Grade religion class.

After school, a First Grader came home all excited and blurted out to his mother, "Guess what, Mommy? I learned in school that St. Francis was a sissy!"


November 13, 2020 - Put or Putt?

A teacher was taking her first golf lesson.

"Is the word spelled 'put' or 'putt'?" she asked the instructor.

"'Putt' is correct," he replied. "'Put' means to place a thing where you want it. 'Putt' means a vain attempt to do the same thing."


November 13, 2020 - This town is so small . . .
- The City Jail is called amoeba, because it only has one cell.

- Main Street, which is one block long, dead ends in both directions.

- McDonalds only has one Golden Arch.

- The phone book has only one page.

- The 7-11 is a 3&1/2 - 5&1/2.

- The New Year's baby was born in October.

- The ZIP code is a fraction.

- The city limits signs are both on the same post.

- Second Street is in the next town over.

- There's no place to go that you shouldn't.

- A "Night on the Town" takes only 11 minutes.

- The mayor had to annex property to eat a foot-long hot dog.


November 12, 2020 - The Art of Romance
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

A fellow was very much in love with a beautiful girl. One day she told him that the next day was her birthday. He told her he would send her a bouquet of roses... one for each year of her life.

That evening he called the local florist and ordered twenty-one roses with instructions that they be delivered first thing the next morning.

As the florist was preparing the order, he decided that since the young man was such a good customer, he would put an extra dozen roses in the bouquet.

The fellow never did find out what made the young girl so angry with him.


November 8, 2020 - Grandma Jones in the Hospital
Grandma Jones had never experienced a sick day in her life, so she didn't take it kindly when a bad case of the "mulligrubs" sent her to the hospital for observation.

By the time a pair of husky interns got Grandma tucked into bed, she had managed to complain about everything: the temperature, the lights, the skimpy gown, the food and especially, the mattress. Suddenly, Grandma spotted a small plastic item with a button, attached to a cord. "What's that?" she demanded.

"If you need anything in the middle of the night, Grandma," said one of the interns, "just press that button."

"What does it do, ring a bell?" she asked.

"No, it turns on a light in the hall for the nurse on duty," the intern replied.

"A light in the hall?" responded Grandma. "Look, I'm the sick one around here. If the night nurse needs a light on in the hall, she can get up and switch it on herself."


November 8, 2020 - Little Boy's Prayer
A little boy was overheard praying:
'Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it.

I'm having a real good time like I am.'


November 7, 2020 - Dads and Babies
My two daughters were having a discussion about family resemblance. "I look like Mom," said my nine-year-old, "but I have Dad's eyes and Dad's lips."

The six-year-old said, "And I look just like Dad, but I have light hair." Then she turned to me. "Mom," she asked, "what does Dad have to do with us being born anyway?"

Her older sister jumped right in. "Don't be stupid, Christina. Dad is the one who drove Mom to the hospital."

November 6, 2020 - Christian Upbringing
After the christening of his baby brother in church, Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong.

Finally, the boy replied,'That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I wanted to stay with you guys.'


November 5, 2020 - Five Year Old's Prayer
One particular four-year-old prayed,
'And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets.'


November 2, 2020 - Graduation Speech Notes
When my son graduated from high school, he had to give a speech. He began by reading from his prepared text. "I want to talk about my mother and the wonderful influence she has had on my life," he told the audience. "She is a shining example of parenthood, and I love her more than words could ever do justice."

At this point he seemed to struggle for words. After a pause he looked up with a sly grin and said, "It's really hard to read my mom's handwriting."


November 1, 2020 - God's Creation
A boy was helping his mother bring the clothes in off the line as a storm threatened.

As they brought in the last armload and closed the door, the boy waved his hand at the heavens and said, "Okay God! Let'er go!"

October 2020

October 31, 2020 - Remembering You
Three friends from the local congregation were asked, 'When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?'

Artie said: ' I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man.'

Eugene commented: 'I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives.'

Al said: 'I'd like them to say, 'Look, he's moving!'


October 30, 2020 - Conversation
Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God. Looking up, he asks the Lord... 'God, what does a million years mean to you?'
The Lord replies, 'A minute.'
Smith asks, 'And what does a million dollars mean to you?'
The Lord replies, 'A penny.'
'Smith asks, 'Can I have a penny?'
'The Lord replies, 'In a minute.'


October 29, 2020 - Deathbed Request
John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully. 'Give me one last request, dear,'he said.
'Of course, John,' his wife said softly.
'Six months after I die,' he said, 'I want you to marry Bob.'
'But I thought you hated Bob,' she said.
With his last breath John said, 'I do!'


October 22, 2020 - 6 Items or Less Lane
I was in the six item express lane at the store quietly fuming. Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries. Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly, 'So which six items would you like to buy?'

Wouldn't it be great if that happened more often?


October 23, 2020 - No Reservations
Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45-minute wait for a table. 'Young man, we're both 90 years old, ' the husband said ..'We may not have 45 minutes.' They were seated immediately.


October 24, 2020 - Politicians
The reason Politicians try so hard to get re-elected is that they would 'hate' to have to make a living under the laws they've passed.


October 25, 2020 - Father of the Bride
All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand. The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly. As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.


October 24, 2020 - Women and Cats
Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.


October 19, 2020 - Carried Away Shoppin
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In a shop, two men struck up a conversation.

Just as one fellow said that his wife was getting carried away with her shopping, a brief power outage caused the lights to flicker overhead.

'That,' he sighed, 'must be her checking out now.'


October 18, 2020 - Living to 104
At his 103rd birthday party, my grandfather was asked if he planned to be around for his 104th.

"I certainly do," he replied. "Statistics show that very few people die between the ages of 103 and 104."


October 17, 2020 - Do It Yourself Appliance Repair
My wife and I were newly married and I was trying to impress her with my technical expertise.

I was trying to repair our washing machine but was unable to determine where a loose wire belonged. After working at it for several minutes, I decided to consult the experts.

I took the wire along with all the details (model, serial number, etc.) of my machine to a local repair shop. I explained my situation to the technician, who looked at the wire for several minutes. He said he thought it looked familiar, but he couldn't tell me where it belonged either.

Taking the wire, he said he would have to consult with some colleagues who were working in the back.

After several minutes, he reemerged with the wire in hand. He said they decided the mystery wire had nothing to do with the operation of my washing machine. It was the underwire from one of my wife's bras.

I'm sure the technicians in the shop had a nice laugh at my expense. I was still red-faced and embarrassed when I returned home to tell my wife about my discovery.

And she hasn't stopped laughing yet!


October 16, 2020 - Dads and Babies
My two daughters were having a discussion about family resemblance. "I look like Mom," said my nine-year-old, "but I have Dad's eyes and Dad's lips."

The six-year-old said, "And I look just like Dad, but I have light hair." Then she turned to me. "Mom," she asked, "what does Dad have to do with us being born anyway?"

Her older sister jumped right in. "Don't be stupid, Christina. Dad is the one who drove Mom to the hospital."


October 15, 2020 - Grandma Jones in the Hospital
Grandma Jones had never experienced a sick day in her life, so she didn't take it kindly when a bad case of the "mulligrubs" sent her to the hospital for observation.

By the time a pair of husky interns got Grandma tucked into bed, she had managed to complain about everything: the temperature, the lights, the skimpy gown, the food and especially, the mattress. Suddenly, Grandma spotted a small plastic item with a button, attached to a cord. "What's that?" she demanded.

"If you need anything in the middle of the night, Grandma," said one of the interns, "just press that button."

"What does it do, ring a bell?" she asked.

"No, it turns on a light in the hall for the nurse on duty," the intern replied.

"A light in the hall?" responded Grandma. "Look, I'm the sick one around here. If the night nurse needs a light on in the hall, she can get up and switch it on herself."


October 12, 2020 - A Dollar Per Point
A professor was giving a big test one day to his students. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait.

Once the test was over the students all handed the tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying "A dollar per point."

The next class the professor handed the graded tests back out. This student got back his test, his test grade, and $64 change.


October 11, 2020 - Teaching Hazards
One day during cooking class, the teacher, Mrs. Jones, was extolling her secrets for preparing perfect sauces.

When she ordered us to the stoves to prepare our assignments, she said, "Don't forget to use wooden spoons."

As I stirred my sauce, I contemplated the physics behind the mystery of the wooden spoon, and decided it must have something to do with heat conduction.

I approached Mrs. Jones to test my theory.

"Why wooden spoons?" I asked.

"Because," she replied, "if I have to sit here listening to twenty-three metal spoons banging against metal pots, I'll go nuts."


October 10, 2020 - First Salute
The first salute received by a freshly commissioned Second Lieutenant is always significant. It's symbolizes authority and prestige.

When I pinned on my new Air Force gold bars and stepped out to face the world, I encountered a staff sergeant.

He gave me a snappy salute and said, "Good morning, Lieutenant. Your hat is on backwards, sir."


October 9, 2020 - Health Priorities
Two patients limp into two different medical clinics with the same complaint. Both have trouble walking and appear to require a hip replacement. The first patient is examined within the hour, is x-rayed the same day and has a time booked for surgery the following week.

The second sees his family doctor after waiting a week for an appointment, then waits eighteen weeks to see a specialist, then gets an x-ray, which isn't reviewed for another month and finally has his surgery scheduled for a year from then.

Why the different treatment for the two patients?

The first is a Golden Retriever. The second is a Senior Citizen.


October 8, 2020 - I Think Not
I do not think -- therefore I am not.

Here is the illustration of this principle:

One evening Rene Descartes went to relax at a local tavern. The tender approached and said, "Ah, good evening Monsieur Descartes! Shall I serve you the usual drink?"

Descartes replied, "I think not," and promptly vanished.


October 5, 2020 - Church Bulletin Bloopers

The following have all genuinely appeared in church bulletins!

* Next weekend's Fasting & Prayer Conference in Whitby includes all meals.

* Sunday morning sermon: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' Sunday evening sermon: 'Searching for Jesus.'

* Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale; it is a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

* Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.

* Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

* Miss Charlene Mason sang, 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

* For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

* Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

* Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

* At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.

* Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.


October 4, 2020 - More Church Bulletin Bloopers

* Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

* Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

* The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

* Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.

* The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

* This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

* The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

* Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

* The school drama group will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church hall on Friday at 7PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

* Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.


October 3, 2020 - Accountancy Exam

Dewey wanted to be an accountant, so he went and took the accountancy exam.

Examiner: If I give you two rabbits and then I give you another two rabbits, how many rabbits do you have?
Dewey: Five.

Examiner: No, listen carefully again. If I give you two rabbits and then I give you another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
Dewey: Five.

Examiner: Let's try this another way. If I give you two bottles of pop and then I give you another two bottles of pop, how many bottles of pop have you got?
Dewey: Four.

Examiner: Good! Now, if I give you two rabbits and then I give you another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
Dewey: Five.

Examiner: How on earth do you work out that two lots of two rabbits is five?
Dewey: I've already got one rabbit at home!


October 2, 2020 - Teenaged Daughter Owner's Manual

Instructions for all those with teenage daughters or daughters who think they are teenagers or who will eventually be teenagers.

Teenager Owner's Manual Congratulations! You are now the proud new owner of a teenaged daughter. Please read this manual carefully, as it describes the maintenance of your new daughter, and answers important questions about your warranty (which does NOT include the right to return the product to the factory for a full refund).

IF YOU FEEL YOU HAVE RECEIVED YOUR TEENAGER IN ERROR:
To determine whether you were supposed to receive a teenaged girl, please examine your new daughter carefully. Does she:
(a) look very similar to your original daughter, only with more makeup and less clothing?
(b) refuse to acknowledge your existence on the planet Earth (except when requesting money)?
(c) Sleep in a burrow of dirty laundry?
If any of these are true, you have received the correct item.
Nice try, though.

BREAK-IN PERIOD: When you first receive your teenaged daughter, you will initially experience a high level of discomfort. Gradually, this discomfort will subside, and you will merely feel traumatized. This is the "Break-In Period," during which you are becoming accustomed to certain behaviors that will cause you concern, anxiety, and stress. Once you have adapted to these behaviors, your teenager will start acting even worse.

ACTIVATION: To activate your teenaged daughter, simply place her in the vicinity of a telephone or Instant Messenger. No further programming is required.

SHUTDOWN: Several hours after activation, you may desire to shut down your teenaged daughter. There is no way to do this.

CLEANING YOUR TEENAGED DAUGHTER: Having a teenaged daughter means learning the difference between the words "clean" and "neat." Teenaged daughters are very clean, because they take frequent showers that last more than an hour. They will scrub themselves with expensive, fragrant soaps which you must purchase for them because they don't like using the same kind of soap their mom and dad use. When they have completely drained the hot-water tank, they will step out and wrap themselves in every towel in the bathroom, which they will subsequently strew throughout the house. If you ask them to pick up the towels, you are confusing "clean" with "neat." Teenagers are very busy and do not have time to be neat. They expect others to pick up after them. These others are called "parents."

FEEDING YOUR TEENAGED DAUGHTER: Your teenaged daughter requires regular meals, which must be purchased for her at restaurants because she detests everything you eat because it is like so disgusting. She does not want you to accompany her to these restaurants, because some people might see you and like I'm sure I want my friends to see me eating dinner with my parents. Either order take-out food or just give her the money, preferably both. If you order pizza, never answer the doorbell because the delivery boy might see you and like he is so hot. Yes, your daughter's idea of an attractive man is the pizza boy.

CLOTHING YOUR TEENAGED DAUGHTER: Retailers make millions of dollars a year selling stylish and frankly sensible clothing which will look adorable on your daughter. If you enjoy shopping, you will love the vast selections which are available to you.

Unfortunately, your teenaged daughter wants to dress like a lap dancer. You may be able to coerce her into putting on a cute outfit before leaving the house, but by the time she walks in the schoolhouse door, she will be wearing something entirely different.

OTHER MAINTENANCE: Teenaged daughters require one of two levels of maintenance: "High," and "Ultra High." Your daughter is "Ultra High." This means that whatever you do won't be enough and whatever you try won't work.

WARRANTY: This product is not without defect because she has your genes, for goodness sake. If you think this is not fair, talk to your parents, who think it is hilarious. Your teenaged daughter will remain a teenager for as long as it takes for her to become a woman, which in her opinion has already happened and as far as you are concerned never really will. If you are dissatisfied with your teenaged daughter, well, what did you expect? In any event, your warranty does not give you your little girl back under any circumstances, except that deep down she's actually still there - you just have to look for her.


October 1, 2020 - Religious Customs

A young scholar from New York was invited to become Rabbi in a small old community in Chicago.

On his very first Shabbat, a hot debate erupted as to whether one should or should not stand during the reading of the Ten Commandments.

The next day, the rabbi visited 98 year-old Mr. Katz in the nursing home.

"Mr. Katz, I'm asking you, as the oldest member of the community," said the rabbi, "what is our synagogue's custom during the reading of the Ten Commandments?"

"Why do you ask?" asked Mr. Katz.

"Yesterday we read the Ten Commandments. Some people stood, some people sat. The ones standing started screaming at the ones sitting, telling them to stand up. The ones sitting started screaming at the ones standing, telling them to sit down... "

"That," said the old man, "is our custom."