Good, Clean Jokes and Funny Stories


Good, Clean Jokes and Funny Stories


While the Bible isn't a joke book, it is obvious that humor played an important role in Hebrew culture. When drought hit Jacob's world he turned to his sons and said, "Why are you staring at one another...Go down [to Egypt] and buy some for us" (Gen 42:1-2). I also hear humor in some of Jesus' remarks, like when He renamed James and John the "sons of thunder" or when He said the Pharisees where like whitewashed tombs, full of dead men's bones (Matt 23). I think we need the picture of Jesus laughing and enjoying people. In fact, while Jesus indeed had many hard things to say, He was also full of emotion, joy and celebration. Even as He rebuked the Pharisees, we see a glimpse of His demeanor in ministry when He scolded them saying, "We played the flute for you, but you would not dance" (Matt 11). There was something very non-religious in Jesus that laughter, celebration and humor is part of. Hopefully, these jokes, stories and quips will help make your day more merry as you walk with the Lord Jesus through this world.

Francis

September 2020

September 28, 2020 - The Mayor's Burden
One of the burdens of office of the small town mayor was his brother in-law, a fellow who liked to throw his or, rather, his in-law's political weight around. The mayor had instructed his policemen and other city officials to treat him just like they would any other taxpayer.

The brother-in-law got a ticket for overtime parking. He immediately descended in fury on police headquarters, waving the ticket and sputtering, "Hey, do you know who I am?"

The desk sergeant surveyed him calmly, picked up his telephone and dialed the mayor's office. "Tell the mayor," he said to the secretary, "that his brother-in-law is down here and can't remember his name."


September 27, 2020 - Encouraging the Sick
Several women were visiting elderly Mrs. Diamond who was very ill. After a while, they rose to leave and told her, "Esther, we will keep you in our prayers."

"Just wash the dishes in the kitchen," the ailing woman said. "I can do my own praying."


September 26, 2020 - Morning Run
The drill sergeant, making his morning announcements to a group of newcomers in a training camp, stated: "Today, gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news. First, the good. Private Johnson will be setting the pace on our morning run."

With this the platoon was overjoyed, as Private Johnson was overweight and terribly slow. But then the drill sergeant finished his statement: "Now for the bad news. Private Johnson will be driving a truck."


September 25, 2020 - Psalm 23 Summary
A Sunday school teacher asked her class if anyone could quote the entire 23rd Psalm.

A golden-haired, four-and-a-half-year-old girl was among those who raised their hands. A bit skeptical, the teacher asked if she could really quote the entire psalm. The little girl came to the front of the room, faced the class, made a perky little bow, and said, "The Lord is my shepherd, that's all I want."

She bowed again and went and sat down.

That may well be the greatest interpretation of the 23rd Psalm ever heard.


September 24, 2020 - Open Microphone
While my son was on the Navy carrier USS George Washington, the air wing was busy with training missions. After talking to a pilot, one air-traffic controller accidentally left his microphone on and remarked to a nearby buddy, "That guy sounded just like Elmer Fudd."

The airwaves got strangely quiet as everyone listened, realizing that the pilot had also heard the comment. After about ten seconds, the pilot broke the silence by announcing:

"Be vewy, vewy quiet. We aw hunting submawines."


September 21, 2020 - Coupon Heaven
While handing a 25 cent-off coupon to the supermarket clerk at the checkout counter a woman inadvertently missed her hand, and the coupon slipped beneath the scale and was gone.

The checker looked distressed so the woman said, "That's OK, it's in coupon heaven now."

“Coupon heaven?" the checker said.

"Yes," the woman said, "That's where coupons go when they die."

"Only the redeemed ones!" said the checker.


September 20, 2020 - Eating Out
Two attorneys went into a diner and ordered two drinks. Then they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat.

The waiter became quite concerned and marched over and told them, "You can't eat your own sandwiches in here!"

The attorneys looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders, and then exchanged sandwiches.


September 19, 2020 - Empty Nest Syndrome
You know you are suffering from "Empty Nest Syndrome" if.....

You have thrown out the better part of the last several one-gallon jugs of milk, but still can't bring yourself to buy the one-quart cartons.

You called the power company and asked them to check your meter, because the hot-water bill has been way too low.

You suddenly realize that you no longer need to include video late fees as part of the monthly budget.

You are shocked when you notice you can push the buttons on the car radio and KNOW what station you will get.

The bottle of shampoo has been in the shower so long you are starting to think it might be a mystical experience - kind of a loaves-and-fishes thing.

They've been gone three years and you still cook enough for your husband to have seconds and thirds ... and fourths.

You still walk through the living room in the crouched position with your picking-up hand brushing the floor, even though it encounters no dirty socks.

You ask the mechanic to check why your car is costing so little to run.

Your cupboards overflow with uneaten school lunch treats.

You still hide your best make-up.


September 18, 2020 - Reputation

I have a reputation at work for being a strict boss.

One day I was in the break room with another manager. I reached into the refrigerator for my lunch, which was packed in an Ace Hardware paper bag. My co-worker stopped mid-bite and stared at me, looking a little tense. When I pulled my sandwich out of the bag, he sighed in relief.

"What's the matter?" I asked him.

"Uh, nothing," he replied, "I was beginning to think you really do eat nails for lunch."


September 17, 2020 - Police Report
A motorist collided with a cow. The questions and answers on the police report were:

Q - What warning was given by you?
A - Horn.

Q - What warning was given by the other party?


September 14. 2020 - Cheap Motel
One night at an economy motel, I ordered a 6am wake-up call. The next morning, I awoke before 6, but the phone did not ring until 6:30. "Good morning," a young man said sheepishly. "This is your wake-up call."

Annoyed, I let the hotel worker have it. "You were supposed to call me at 6am!" I complained. "What if I had a million-dollar deal to close this morning, and your oversight made me miss out on it?"

"Well, sir," the desk clerk quickly replied, "if you had a million-dollar deal to close, you probably wouldn't be staying in this motel!"


September 13. 2020 - Lack of Empathy
A tourist on his way to Tuscaloosa, came to a fork in the road and stopped. There was no sign indicating which route went where.

Spotting a boy by the road, he yelled out, "Hey, kid, does it matter which road I take to Tuscaloosa?"

"Not to me it don't." replied the boy.


September 12. 2020 - Signs You Need a New Pizza Place
~ The pizza's secrets ingredient is still moving.

~ The delivery kid is packing.

~ This weeks special is double cheese and double anchovies at no extra charge.

~ While waiting for the last order to come out of the oven, you catch the delivery guys playing "Frisbee golf" with the other pizzas.

~ When you call in your order, someone answers the phone with "Gino's Bait Shop and Pizzeria, how may I help you?"

~ When you open the box you find that the anchovies are eating the sausage.

~ You realize the red sauce is ketchup.

~ The pizza box that was just delivered to you displays the phone number for the Poison Control Hot-Line.

~ You notice a sign on the door: "Dear Customers: we are pleased to announce that 38% of our menu is FDA approved."

~ Their slogan is, "If it's not there in 30 minutes, it's not getting there."

~ Your "stuffed crust pizza" is stuffed with pudding instead of cheese.

~ Your order of bread sticks is simply the uneaten crust from old pizza slices.

~ The delivery guy waits at your door until you're finished so he can take the box back for the next customer.


September 11. 2020 - Reverent Behavior
At a local church, the members take pride in the reverent behavior of the children during the sermons.

Asked how they engendered this profound respect for the Almighty, one elder explained to me:

"In each batch of new Sunday schoolers, I casually mention that we had to fire the artist who made the stained glass roof panels. I say he got fired for putting bad words in some of the artwork. Now, when energetic little boys get bored, they spend their time staring straight up!"


September 10. 2020 - Thoughts on Golfing
A "gimme" can best be defined as an agreement between two golfers, neither of whom can putt very well.

An interesting thing about golf is that no matter how badly you play, it is always possible to get worse.

Golf's a hard game to figure. One day you'll go out and slice it and shank it, hit into all the traps, and miss every green. The next day you'll go out and for no reason at all you'll really stink.

If your best shots are the practice swing and the "gimme putt," you might wish to reconsider this game.

Golf is the only sport where the most feared opponent is you.

Golf is like marriage: If you take yourself too seriously it won't work, and both are expensive.

The best wood in most amateurs' bags is the pencil.


September 7, 2020 - Largest Amphibious Assault

I had been teaching my seventh-graders about World War II, and a test question was, "What was the largest amphibious assault of all time?"

Expecting to see "the D-Day invasion" as the answer, I found instead on one paper, "Moses and the plague of frogs."


September 6, 2020 - Sightseeing at Alcatraz
A couple with three children waited in line at San Francisco's Pier 41 to purchase tickets for a sightseeing boat to Alcatraz Prison. The children weren't good at waiting: they fidgeted, whined, and punched one another. The frazzled parents reprimanded them to no avail.

Finally they reached the ticket window.

"Five tickets, please," the father said. "Two round trip, three one way."


September 4, 2020 - Communication in Marriage
My husband, Michael, and I were at a restaurant with his boss, a rather stern older man. When Michael began a tale, which I was sure he had told before, I gave him a kick under the table. There was no response, so I gave him another poke. Still the story went on. Suddenly he stopped, grinned and said, "Oh, but I've told you this one before, haven't I?"

We all chuckled and changed the subject. Later, on the dance floor, I asked my husband why it had taken him so long to get my message.

"What do you mean?" he replied. "I cut the story off as soon as you kicked me."

"But I kicked you twice and it still took you awhile to stop!"

Suddenly we realized what had happened. Sheepishly we returned to our table. The boss smiled and said, "Don't worry. After the second kick I figured it wasn't for me, so I passed it along!"


September 4, 2020 - Sugar Packets Announcement
The Building Committee has been informed that opened sugar packets are being found in the nursery area.

We have had some serious problems with ants in the past and would like to avoid any recurrences if possible.

Coffee drinkers, please dispose of these packets properly.

If you are a coffee drinker but can't read yet, please have your parents explain this to you.


September 3, 2020 - Waiting For Heaven
When Sara was 6, her new puppy became seriously ill, and the vet didn't know if he could save it.

I felt very bad for Sara, because this was her first pet and it had been a Christmas gift, so I said to her, "Don't worry, Honey. Just remember, if Fluffy dies, we'll see her in heaven."

Sara looked at me as if I were simple-minded and said, "Well, yes, Daddy, but heaven's a long way off for me. I'm only six."

August 2020

August 31, 2020 - First Kiss
At the end of their first date, a young man takes his favorite girl home. Emboldened by the night, he decides to try for that important first kiss.

With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling, he says to her, "Darling, how about a goodnight kiss?"

Horrified, she replies, "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"

"Oh, come on! Who's going to see us at this hour?"

"No, please. Can you imagine if we got caught?"

"Oh, come on. There's nobody around. They're all sleeping!"

"No way. It's just too risky!"

"Oh, please, please. I like you so much!"

"No, no and no. I like you too, but I just can't!"

"Oh, yes you can. Please!"

"No, no. I just can't."

"Pleeeeease!"

Out of the blue, the porch light goes on and the girl's sister shows up in her pajamas, hair disheveled.
In a sleepy voice, the sister says, "Dad says to go ahead and give him a kiss. Or, I can do it. Or, if need be, he'll come down and do it himself. But for crying out loud, tell him to take his hand off the intercom button!"


August 30, 2020 - Prison Sign Fail
Seen on a sign outside the Clinton Correctional Facility, a maximum security prison in Dannemora, New York:

"The Dannemora fire department reminds you it's fire prevention week. Practice your escape plan."


August 29, 2020 - Reverent Behavior
At a local church, the members take pride in the reverent behavior of the children during the sermons.

Asked how they engendered this profound respect for the Almighty, one elder explained to me:

"In each batch of new Sunday schoolers, I casually mention that we had to fire the artist who made the stained glass roof panels. I say he got fired for putting bad words in some of the artwork. Now, when energetic little boys get bored, they spend their time staring straight up!"


August 28, 2020 - Behavior Modification Reinforcers
The HMO account manager noticed that nearly every bill from a certain pediatrician’s office included the line item “Behavior modification reinforcers.”

Alarmed that the pediatrician was engaging in some unapproved, experimental psychological treatment, she called the physician’s office to inquire, “What on earth are behavior modification reinforcers?”

“Lollipops,” was the reply.


August 27, 2020 - Children in Church
A little boy was attending his first wedding.

After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?" "Sixteen," the boy responded.

His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly. "How do you know that?"

"Easy," the little boy said. "All you have to do is add it up, like the pastor said,

4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer."


August 24, 2020 - Dog Barking Payback

A wife and her husband are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbor's dog. It has been in the next door backyard barking for hours and hours.

The husband jumps up out of bed and says, "I've had enough of this" and goes downstairs.

The husband finally comes back up to bed and his wife says, "Honey, the dog is still barking. What have you been doing?"

The husband says, "I put the dog in our backyard. Let's see how THEY like it!"


August 23, 2020 - The Politician Dance
There was a dance teacher who talked of a very old dance called the Politician.

"All you have to do" she told her class "is take three steps forward, two steps backward, then side-step side-step and turn around."


August 22, 2020 - Passing Along Wisdom
"Look at ME!" boasted the fit old man to a group of young people. "Every morning I do fifty push-ups, do fifty sit-ups, and walk two miles. I'm fit as a fiddle! And you want to know why? I don't smoke, I don't drink, I don't stay up late, and I don't chase after women!"

He smiled at them, teeth white, eyes glittering, "And tomorrow, I'm going to celebrate my 95th birthday!"

"Oh, really?" drawled one of the young onlookers. "How?"


August 21, 2020 - Signs You Need a New Pizza Place
~ The pizza's secrets ingredient is still moving.

~ The delivery kid is packing.

~ This weeks special is double cheese and double anchovies at no extra charge.

~ While waiting for the last order to come out of the oven, you catch the delivery guys playing "Frisbee golf" with the other pizzas.

~ When you call in your order, someone answers the phone with "Gino's Bait Shop and Pizzeria, how may I help you?"

~ When you open the box you find that the anchovies are eating the sausage.

~ You realize the red sauce is ketchup.

~ The pizza box that was just delivered to you displays the phone number for the Poison Control Hot-Line.

~ You notice a sign on the door: "Dear Customers: we are pleased to announce that 38% of our menu is FDA approved."

~ Their slogan is, "If it's not there in 30 minutes, it's not getting there."

~ Your "stuffed crust pizza" is stuffed with pudding instead of cheese.

~ Your order of bread sticks is simply the uneaten crust from old pizza slices.

~ The delivery guy waits at your door until you're finished so he can take the box back for the next customer.


August 20, 2020 - Street Address
I had just moved to an address between Sunrise Ave. and Sunset Blvd., one of Sacramento's major streets, and was explaining to a clerk where my home was located for billing purposes.

"I live between Sunrise and Sunset," I told her.

"Oh, honey," she knowingly replied, "we all do."


August 17, 2020 - Insurance Check and Double Take
Fire swept the plains and burned down the farmer’s barn. While he surveyed the wreckage, his wife called their insurance company and asked them to send a check for $75,000, the amount of insurance on the barn.

“We don’t give you the money,” a company official explained. “We replace the barn and all the equipment in it.”

“In that case,” replied the wife, “cancel the policy I have on my husband.”


August 16, 2020 - Being a Pastor Isn't Easy
Two ministers met in the after life.

One said, "Isn't heaven wonderful after the parish ministry?"

The other said, "This isn't heaven!"


August 15, 2020 - In the Fitting Room
My girlfriend took her five-year-old daughter shopping with her. The little girl watched her mother try on outfit after outfit, exclaiming every time, "Mommy, you look beautiful."

A woman in the next fitting room called out, "May I borrow your daughter for a moment?"


August 14, 2020 - The Facts of Life
Annie, 6 years old, gets home from school ..
She had her first family planning lesson at school.

Her mother, very interested, asks;" How did it go?"

"I died of shame!" She answers !

“Koos from over the road, says that the stork brings babies.
Sally next door said you can buy babies at the orphanage.
Piet in my class says you can buy babies at the hospital.“

Her mother answers laughingly “But that’s no reason to be ashamed?”

“No, but I couldn’t tell them that we were so poor that daddy had to make me himself!!!”


August 13, 2013 - Generation Gaps
I was visiting my son and daughter-in-law last night, when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.

'This is the 21st century, old man,' he said. 'We don't waste money on newspapers. Here, you can borrow my iPad.

I can tell you, that fly never knew what hit it!


August 10, 2020 - HoneyAn elderly lady was invited to an old friend’s home for dinner one evening. She was impressed by the way her lady friend preceded every request to her husband with endearing terms such as: 'Honey', 'My Love', 'Darling', 'Sweetheart', etc. The couple had been married almost 60 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love.

While the husband was in the living room, her lady friend leaned over to her hostess to say, "I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your husband all those loving names."

The elderly lady hung her head, "I have to tell you the truth," she said, "his name slipped my mind about 10 years ago, and I'm scared to death to ask the cranky old fart what his name is."


August 9, 2020 - Cure For Lateness
Bob had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work.

After a few weeks of this, his boss was mad and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it.

So Bob went to his doctor, who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. He got a great night's sleep and actually beat the alarm in the morning. After a leisurely breakfast, he cheerfully drove to work.

"Boss," he said, "the pill my doctor prescribed actually worked!"

"That's all fine," said the boss, "but where were you yesterday?"


August 8, 2020 - Bloopers in the Media
"Golden, Ripe, Boneless Bananas, 39 Cents A Pound."
- Ad in the "Missoulian" by Orange Street Food Farm

"Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing - but none of them serious."
- Alan Minter, Boxer

"I think that the film Clueless was very deep. I think it was deep in the way that it was very light. I think lightness has to come from a very deep place if it's true lightness."
- Alicia Silverstone, Actress

"How to store your baby walker: First, remove baby."
- Anonymous Manufacturer

"This is no longer a slum neighborhood. I haven't heard of a Cubs fan being shot in a long time."
- Anonymous Wrigley Field Neighbor, Chicago, IL

"During the scrimmage, Tarkanian paced the sideline with his hands in his pockets while biting his nails."
- AP report describing Fresno State basketball coach Jerry Tarkanian

"Men, I want you just thinking of one word all season. One word and one word only: Super Bowl."
- Bill Peterson, football coach


August 7, 2020 - Gaudiness, Godliness, and Self-Control
Many years ago, when my 9 year old daughter was 3, we went to our usual Sunday morning church service. We were seated and waiting for the service to begin, when this woman walked by us in a really bright, gaudy dress. My husband, who never says anything about anyone, even made a comment about how "loud" the dress was.

After the service was over, we were standing outside the church chatting with another couple. I couldn't see my daughter and then I noticed her standing right next to (practically on top of) the woman with the dress. When I asked her what she was doing, she said "I'm trying to hear this dress mom. Dad said it was really loud, but I haven't heard it make a peep yet."

Everyone within earshot, with the exception of my husband and the woman in the dress burst out laughing. My husband wanted to crawl in a hole, and I have to say I never saw that particular dress worn again.


August 6, 2020 - Address Change
My friend called his car insurance company to tell them to change his address from Texas to Vermont. The woman who took the call asked where Vermont was.

As he tried to explain, she interrupted and said, "Look, I'm not stupid or anything, but what state is it in?"


August 3, 2020 - Dangerous Criminal
One night, a lady stumbled into the police station with a black eye. She claimed she heard a noise in her back yard and went to investigate. The next thing she knew, she was hit in the eye and knocked out cold.

An officer was sent to her house to investigate, and he returned 1-1/2 hours later with a black eye.

"Did you get hit by the same person?" his captain asked.

"No," he replied. "I stepped on the same rake."


August 2, 2020 - Jeep Stuck
During training exercises, the green lieutenant was driving down a muddy back road.

He encountered another car stuck in the mud with a red-faced colonel at the wheel.

"Your jeep stuck, sir?" asked the lieutenant as he pulled alongside.

"Nope," replied the colonel, coming over and handing him the keys. "Yours is."


August 1, 2020 - Good Company
A married couple checked in at the Korean Air counter to pick up their tickets. As the smiling Korean woman processed their tickets, the wife asked, "Are these good seats?"

"They are very good seats," the airline worker replied. "You will be sitting next to a handsome gentleman, and your companion will be seated beside a beautiful lady."