Good, Clean Jokes and Funny Stories


Good, Clean Jokes and Funny Stories


While the Bible isn't a joke book, it is obvious that humor played an important role in Hebrew culture. When drought hit Jacob's world he turned to his sons and said, "Why are you staring at one another...Go down [to Egypt] and buy some for us" (Gen 42:1-2). I also hear humor in some of Jesus' remarks, like when He renamed James and John the "sons of thunder" or when He said the Pharisees where like whitewashed tombs, full of dead men's bones (Matt 23). I think we need the picture of Jesus laughing and enjoying people. In fact, while Jesus indeed had many hard things to say, He was also full of emotion, joy and celebration. Even as He rebuked the Pharisees, we see a glimpse of His demeanor in ministry when He scolded them saying, "We played the flute for you, but you would not dance" (Matt 11). There was something very non-religious in Jesus that laughter, celebration and humor is part of. Hopefully, these jokes, stories and quips will help make your day more merry as you walk with the Lord Jesus through this world.

Francis

January 2021

January 31, 2021 - Empty-nest Craft
I am a first-grade teacher and a new empty-nester. One night I was trying out an art project: making a person with simple materials. I took a coat hanger, attached a paper-plate face, put a shirt on the hanger, and stuffed it. Then I set it on the couch to see how it looked.

Later that evening, my son walked through the door, home for a surprise visit. Taking one look at my coat-hanger friend sitting on the couch, he said, "Mom, it's not that bad, is it?"


January 30, 2021 - Golf Hole
A young minister and Mr. Sims, an elderly parishioner, were playing golf. The minister's game was off and the old man was beating him quite badly.

At the end of the game, the Mr. Sims tried to console his minister by saying, "Don't worry, Reverend, one of these days you'll be burying me."

"Yes," sighed the minister, "but even then, it will be your hole!"


January 27, 2021 - Marrying Young
My sister went to the department store to check out the bridal registry of our niece whose wedding was coming up soon.  When my sister returned from the store, she tossed the gift list on a table and declared, "I think she's too young to get married."

"Why do you say that?" I asked.

"Because," she said, "they've registered for Nintendo games."


January 26, 2021 - Ball Markers
A Golfer walks into the pro shop at the local course and asks the golf pro if they sell ball markers.

The golf pro says, "Yes, they are just $1.00 each."

The guy gives the golf pro a dollar and says he'll take one.

The golf pro opens the register, puts the dollar in the tray and with a big smile hands the guy a quarter.


January 25, 2021 - Ever Driven a Honda?
A biker is riding a new motorcycle on the highway. While passing a car, he knocks on the window. The driver of the car opens the window, "Yes?"

"Ever driven a Honda motorcycle?"

"No I haven't"

The biker drives on, until he sees the next car. While passing it, he knocks on the window. The driver of the car opens the window: "Yes?"

"Ever driven a Honda motorcycle?"

"No I haven't"

Then suddenly there is a curve, the biker sees it too late. He crashes off the road into a ditch. A car stops and a man runs to the unlucky biker. Covered in blood, the biker asks, "Ever driven a Honda motorcycle?"

"Yes I have. I had a Honda for 20 years."

The biker says, "Tell me, where are the brakes?!"


January 24, 2021 - Control and Escape
The computer company my wife works for distributed a corporate clothing catalog that included a pair of cuff links. One was inscribed Ctrl (control) and the other Esc (escape), just as they look on a computer keyboard.

"They would make a good present for any man," my wife commented to a colleague, "if only to remind him of the two things he can never have."


January 23, 2021 - Dr. Dress Up
During my surgical residency I was called out of a sound sleep to the emergency room. Unshaven and with tousled hair, I showed up with an equally unrepresentable medical student. In the ER we encountered the on-call medical resident and his student, both neatly attired in clean white lab coats.

The resident said to his student, "You can always tell the surgeons by their absolute disregard for appearance."

Two evenings later, I was at a banquet when called to the ER to suture a minor laceration.

I was stitching away -- wearing a tuxedo -- when I encountered that same medical resident. He looked at me, then said to his student, "Sure is sensitive to criticism, isn't he?"


January 20, 2021 - Computer Help Desk Funnies #2

Customer: "Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says, 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says it can't find it."
______

Customer: "I have problems printing in red."
Help desk: "Do you have a color printer?"
Customer: "Aaaah... Thank you."
______

Customer: "My keyboard is not working anymore."
Help desk: "Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?"
Customer: "No. I can't get behind the computer."
Help desk: "Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back."
Customer: "Okay."
Help desk: "Did the keyboard come with you?"
Customer: "Yes."
Help desk: "That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?"
Customer: "Yes, there's another one here. Ahh, that one works!"
______

Help desk: "Your password is the small letter 'a' as in apple, a capital letter 'V' as in Victor, and the number '7'."
Customer: "Is that '7' in capital letters?"

______

Help desk: "What anti-virus program do you use?"
Customer: "Netscape."
Help desk: "That's not an anti-virus program."
Customer: "Oh, sorry... Internet Explorer."
______

Customer: "I have a huge problem. A friend has put a screensaver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears!"


January 19, 2021 - Computer Help Desk Funnies #1
A customer couldn't get on the Internet:
Help desk: "Are you sure you used the right password?"
Customer: "Yes I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it."
Help desk: "Can you tell me what the password was?"
Customer: "Five stars."
______

Help desk: "What kind of computer do you have?"
Customer: "A white one."
______

Customer: "Hi, this is Rose. I can't get my diskette out."
Help desk: "Have you tried pushing the button?"
Customer: "Yes, sure, it's really stuck."
Help desk: "That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note."
Customer: "No...wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... Sorry..."
______

Help desk: "Click on the 'My Computer' icon on to the left of the screen."
Customer: "Your left or my left?"
______

Help desk: "Good day. How may I help you?"
Male customer: "Hello, I can't print."
Help desk: "Would you click on start for me and..."
Customer: "Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates, you know!"

 
January 18, 2021 - Heavenly Perspective
Because our former small-town parish was not a wealthy one, our pastor was dependent on parishioners for upkeep and maintenance of the church. Once he asked my husband, Sam, to rewire the confessionals.

The only way to reach the wiring was to enter the attic above the altar and crawl over the ceiling by balancing on the rafters. Concerned for my husband's safety, I waited in a pew. Unbeknownst to me, some parishioners were congregating in the vestibule. They paid little attention to me, probably assuming I was praying.

Worried about my husband, I looked up toward the ceiling and yelled, "Sam, Sam! Are you up there? Did you make it okay?"

There was quite an outburst from the vestibule when Sam's hearty voice echoed down, "Yes, I made it up here just fine!"


January 17, 2021 - Senior Perspective
A group of senior citizens were sitting around talking about their ailments: "My arms are so weak I can hardly hold this cup of coffee," said one.

"Yes, I know. My cataracts are so bad I can't even see my coffee," replied another.

"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a third, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.

"My blood pressure pills make me dizzy," another went on.

"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as he shook his head.

Then there was a short moment of silence...

"Well, it's not that bad," said one woman cheerfully. "At least we can still drive!"


January 16, 2021 - Pet Training
A rolled up newspaper can be an effective pet training tool when used properly.

For instance, use the rolled-up newspaper if your dog chews up something inappropriate or has a housebreaking accident. Bring the dog over to the destroyed object (or mess), then take the rolled-up newspaper and hit yourself over the head as you repeat the phrase, "I forgot to watch my dog! I forgot to watch my dog!"


January 13, 2021 - Things Not To Say or Do at a Job Interview
See photo of interviewer's family on desk, point, start laughing uncontrollably.

Ask if there is only one emergency exit, grin and say; 'Boy!, I bet this floor would be in trouble if someone barricaded that.'

Inquire on office policy of friends staying over.

Claim you wouldn't even need a 'sit-in' job if Al Einstein hadn't stolen your secret patent for '2000 Flushes'

Over-emphasize your ability to use a copier.

Ask if it's O.K. that you sit on the floor.

Although parking was free, insist that they validate something or you're not leaving.

Mention your resume would have been stronger, but you didn't feel like making anything else up.

Walk into interviewer's office with a tape measure, measure office from a few angles, put away, declare; "NOW we can begin."

Upon walking into the office for first time, ask receptionist to hold all your calls.


January 12, 2021 - Chemlite Arrival
Nights in England are coal black, making parachute jumps very difficult.  We attach small lights called chemlites to make our jumpsuits visible to the rest of the team.

Late one night, lost after a practice jump, we knocked at the door of a small cottage.  When a woman answered, she was greeted by the sight of five men festooned in glowing chemlites.

"Excuse me," I said, "Can you tell us where we are?"

In a thick English accent, the woman paused before answering and then replied, "Earth."


January 11, 2021 - Good Doctors
A fellow was asked if there were any good doctors is his home town. "Good doctors!" he exclaimed. "We have the best doctors in the world. Dr. James Jones is one good doctor; he's great; he saved my life."

"You don't say!  How was that?"

"I was very sick and called Dr. Smith. He gave me some medicine and I got very, very ill. I then called Dr. Peters.  He gave me more medicine. I got worse - I thought I was going to die.

"Then I called Dr. Jones. He had no time to come. He saved my life."


January 10, 2021 - Dining In
My husband and I both work, so our family eats out a lot.

Recently, when we were having a rare home-cooked meal, I handed a glass to my three year old and asked her to please drink her milk.

She looked at me bewildered, "But I didn't order milk."


January 9, 2021 - Home Donations
A tired homemaker opened the front door of her home to find a young minister from the neighborhood who said, "I'm collecting donations for the new children's home we're building.  I hope you'll give what you can."

"To be sure," said the beleaguered woman, "I'll give you two boys, two girls, or one of each."


January 6, 2021 - How To Photograph A New Puppy
1. Remove film from box and load camera.
2. Remove film box from puppy's mouth and throw in trash.
3. Remove puppy from trash and brush coffee grounds from muzzle.
4. Choose a suitable background for photo.
5. Mount camera on tripod and focus.
6. Find puppy and take dirty sock from mouth.
7. Place puppy in pre-focused spot and return to camera.
8. Forget about spot and crawl after puppy on knees.
9. Focus with one hand and fend off puppy with other hand.
10. Get tissue and clean nose print from lens.
11. Put cat outside and put peroxide on the scratch on puppy's nose.
13. Put magazines back on coffee table.
14. Try to get puppy's attention by squeaking toy over your head.
15. Replace your glasses and check camera for damage.
16. Jump up in time to grab puppy by scruff of neck and say, "No, outside! No, outside!"
17. Clean up mess.
18. Sit back in chair with lemonade and resolve to teach puppy "sit" and "stay" the first thing in the morning.


January 5, 2021 - Great Truths About the Stages of Life
1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.


January 4, 2021 - Great Truths About Growing Old
1) Growing up is optional; growing old is mandatory.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer!,  but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.


January 3, 2021 - Great Truths that Adults have Learned
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.


January 2, 2021 - Great Truths that Children have Learned
1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.

December 2020

December 31, 2020 - Keeping a Confidence
A friend of mine was in the hospital awaiting the arrival of her first child. When I telephoned the hospital to see if the baby had arrived, the nurse said it had.

I asked if it was a boy or girl and was told that it was against hospital policy to give this information over the phone.

"Fine," I said. "I can understand that. But can you tell me what she didn't have?"

"It wasn't a boy," came the reply.


Decembr 28 - Computer Users
Computer users are divided into three types: Novice, Intermediate, and Expert.

Novice User - Someone who is afraid that simply pressing a key might break a computer.

Intermediate User - Someone who doesn't know how to fix a computer after pressing the key that broke it.

Expert User - Someone who presses the key that breaks someone else's computer.


December 27, 2020 - Christmas Love
The students were led into the room. Each class, accompanied by their teacher. Then, each group, one by one, rose to perform their song. Those in the front row - center stage - held up large letters, one by one, to spell out the title of the song.

As the class was to sing "C is for Christmas," a child would hold up the letter C. Then, "H is for Happy," and on and on, until each child holding up his portion had presented the complete message, "Christmas Love."

The performance was going smoothly, until suddenly, we noticed her; a small, quiet, girl in the front row holding the letter "M” upside down - totally unaware her letter "M" appeared as a "W".

A hush came over the audience and eyes began to widen.

For when the last letter was held high, the message read loud and clear:

"C H R I S T W A S L O V E"

And I believe He still is.


December 26, 2020 - Phrases for When you Receive Unwanted Gifts
Here are ten useful phrases for responding to Christmas presents you would rather not have received:

1. Thanks a lot!

2. My word! What a gift.

3. Well, well, well ...

4. If I hadn't put on so much weight recently it would have fitted me perfectly.

5. Gosh, I hope I never lose this. We're always losing things around here.

6. It's great; but I'm worried about the envy it may create.

7. Just my luck to get this on the very Christmas I promised to give all my gifts to charity.

8. Unfortunately, I am about to enter MI5's Witness Protection programme.

9. Frankly, I don't deserve this.

10. Really, you shouldn't have.


December 25, 2020 - A Birthday Celebration Invitation
You are cordially invited to

A BIRTHDAY CELEBRATION!!!

Guest of Honor: Jesus Christ

Date: Every day. Traditionally, December 25 but He's always around, so the date is flexible.

Time: Whenever you're ready. (Please don't be late, though, or you'll miss out on all the fun!)

Place: In your heart . . . He'll meet you there. (You'll hear Him knock.)

Attire: Come as you are . . . grubbies are okay. He'll be washing our clothes anyway. He said something about new white robes and crowns for everyone who stays till the last.

Tickets: Admission is free. He's already paid for everyone - you wouldn't have been able to afford it anyway. It cost Him everything He had, but you do need to accept the ticket!!

Refreshments: New wine, bread, and a far-out drink He calls "Living Water," followed by a supper that promises to be out of this world!

Gift Suggestions: Your life. He's one of those people who already has everything else. (He's very generous in return though. Just wait until you see what He has for you!)

Entertainment: Joy, Peace, Truth, Light, Life, Love, Real Happiness, Communion with God, Forgiveness, Miracles, Healing, Power, Eternity in Paradise, Contentment, and much more! (All "G" rated, so bring your family and friends.)

R.S.V.P. Very Important! He must know ahead so He can reserve a spot for you at the table. Also, He's keeping a list of His friends for future reference. He calls it the "Lamb's Book of Life."

Party being given by His Kids (that's us!!)! Hope to see you there! For those of you whom I will see at the party, share this with someone today!

December 24, 2020 - Turkey Shopping
It was Christmas Eve in a supermarket and a woman was anxiously picking over the last few remaining turkeys in the hope of finding a large one.

In desperation she called over a shop assistant and said "Excuse me. Do these turkeys get any bigger?"

"No" he replied. "They're all dead."


December 21, 2020 - Christmas Shopping with Children
After some last-minute Christmas shopping with her grandchildren, my friend was rushing them into the car when four-year-old Jason said, "Grandma, Susie has something in her pocket." He reached in and pulled out a new red barrette.

Though she was tired, my friend knew it was important for Susie to put the item back where she had found it. They did just that. Later at the grocery store checkout, the clerk asked, "Have you kids been good so Santa will come?"

"I've been very good," replied Jason, "but my sister just robbed a store."


December 20, 2020 - Teaching Children About Christmas
The Season of Advent was beginning, and I wanted to inform the children that, according the Bible, Jesus is coming twice, once as the baby in the manger, and then as King.

So I asked the children, "How did Jesus come the first time?"

One child answered, "Down the chimney."


December 19, 2020 - Disguising Presents

Three-year-old Elizabeth was helping her mother Melinda wrap a present for her father.

While wrapping, Melinda told Elizabeth about keeping the present a secret so it would be a surprise. After the present was wrapped, Elizabeth proudly put it under the tree.

When her father asked her if he could shake it and guess what's inside, she said, "No, T-shirts don't rattle."


December 18, 2020 - Shopping Wife Find
A couple went Christmas shopping at the mall. They decided to go their separate ways and meet two hours later.

The husband was at their appointed meeting place at the appointed time, but there was no sign of his wife. After waiting for half an hour, he started looking for her but couldn't find her in any of the stores she usually frequented.

Finally, thoroughly tired of looking for her, he approached a beautiful blonde on a mall bench. He smiled at her and said, "Please, talk to me! Quick!"

She said, "Why?"

"Because I've been looking for my wife all over this mall and I can't find her," the man replied.

"How will talking to me help you find your wife? I have absolutely no idea what she looks like, much less where she is."

"I didn't think you did. However, every time I start talking to a beautiful woman, my wife appears!"


December 17, 2020 - 49 Cards
A friend of ours waited until the last minute to send Christmas cards. She knew she had 49 folks on her list. So she rushed into a store and bought a package of 50 cards without really looking at them.

Still in a big hurry, she addressed the 49 and signed them without reading the message inside.

On Christmas Day when things had quieted down somewhat, she happened to come across the one leftover card and finally read the message she had sent to 49 of her friends.

Much to her dismay, it read like this:

This card is just to say
A little gift is on the way.

Suddenly she realized that 49 of her friends were expecting a gift from her.


December 14, 2020 - A Boy's Prayer
A little boy was overheard praying:

'Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am.'

December 13, 2020 - Boot Lesson
A teacher was helping one of her kindergarten students put his boots on. He asked for help and she could see why. With her pulling and him pushing, the boots still didn't want to go on.

When the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat. She almost whimpered when the little boy said, "Teacher, they're on the wrong feet."

She looked and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off then it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on - this time on the right feet. He then announced, "These aren't my boots."

She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, "Why didn't you say so?" like she wanted to.

Once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off. He then said, "They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear them."

She didn't know if she should laugh or cry. She mustered up the grace to wrestle the boots on his feet again.

She said, "Now, where are your mittens?" He said, "I stuffed them in the toes of my boots..."

December 12, 2020 - The Gift of Children

A tired mom opened the front door of her home to find a young minister from the neighborhood who said, "I'm collecting donations for the new children's home we're building. I hope you'll give what you can."

"To be sure," said the beleaguered woman, "I'll give you two boys, two girls, OR one of each."


December 11, 2020 - Hearing Loss
Bert feared his wife Peg wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem. The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss. 'Here's what you do,' said the Doctor,'stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.'

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, 'I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens.' Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?' No response... So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, 'Peg, what's for dinner?' Still no response. Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?' Again he gets no response. So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. 'Honey, what's for dinner?' Again there is no response. So he walks right up behind her.. 'Peg, what's for dinner?'

"Bert, for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!"


December 11, 2020 - Robbery

A woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church services, when she was startled by an intruder. She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled: 'Stop! Acts 2:38!'
(Repent and be Baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ, so that your sins may be forgiven.)

The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done.

As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar: 'Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you.'

'Scripture?' replied the burglar. 'She said she had an Ax and Two 38s!'


December 7, 2020 - Time to Pray

A pastor asked a little boy if he said his prayers every night.

"Yes, sir." the boy replied.

"And, do you always say them in the morning, too?" the pastor asked.

"No sir," the boy replied. "I ain't scared in the daytime."


December 6, 2020 - All Men / All Girls
When my daughter, Kelli, said her bedtime prayers, she would bless every family member, every friend, and every animal (current and past). For several weeks, after we had finished the nightly prayer, Kelli would say, "And all girls."

This soon became part of her nightly routine, to include this closing. My curiosity got the best of me and I asked her, "Kelli, why do you always add the part about all girls?"

Her response, "Because everybody always finish their prayers by saying 'All Men'!"


December 5, 2020 - Say a Prayer
Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother's house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When Little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away. "Johnny! Please wait until we say our prayer." said his mother.

"I don't need to," the boy replied.

"Of course, you do." his mother insisted. "We always say a prayer before eating at our house."

"That's at our house." Johnny explained. "But this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook!"


December 4, 2020 - Murphy's Afterthoughts -----Murphy's Other 15 Laws

1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

2. A fine is a tax for doing bad. A tax is a fine for doing well.

3. He, who laughs last, thinks slowest.

4. A day without sunshine is like, well, night

5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

6. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

7. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

8. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

9. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end-to-end, someone from Texas would be stupid enough to try to pass them.

10. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

11. The things that come to those who wait, may be the things left by those who got there first.

12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

13. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

14 . God gave you toes as a device for finding furniture in the dark.

15. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.


December 3, 2020 - Following Orders
As we stood in formation at the Pensacola Naval Air Station, our Flight Instructor said, "All right! All you idiots fall out."

As the rest of the squad wandered away, I remained at attention.

The Instructor walked over until he was eye-to-eye with me, and then just raised a single eyebrow.

I smiled and said, "Sure was a lot of 'em, huh sir?"