Good, Clean Jokes and Funny Stories


Good, Clean Jokes and Funny Stories


While the Bible isn't a joke book, it is obvious that humor played an important role in Hebrew culture. When drought hit Jacob's world he turned to his sons and said, "Why are you staring at one another...Go down [to Egypt] and buy some for us" (Gen 42:1-2). I also hear humor in some of Jesus' remarks, like when He renamed James and John the "sons of thunder" or when He said the Pharisees where like whitewashed tombs, full of dead men's bones (Matt 23). I think we need the picture of Jesus laughing and enjoying people. In fact, while Jesus indeed had many hard things to say, He was also full of emotion, joy and celebration. Even as He rebuked the Pharisees, we see a glimpse of His demeanor in ministry when He scolded them saying, "We played the flute for you, but you would not dance" (Matt 11). There was something very non-religious in Jesus that laughter, celebration and humor is part of. Hopefully, these jokes, stories and quips will help make your day more merry as you walk with the Lord Jesus through this world.

Francis

May 2017


Chocolate Laughs - May 31, 2017
*Chocolate is derived from cacao beans. Bean = vegetable. Sugar is derived from either sugar CANE or sugar BEETS. Both are plants, which places them in the vegetable category. Thus, chocolate is a vegetable. To go one step further, chocolate candy bars also contain milk, which is dairy. So candy bars are a health food.

*Chocolate-covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.

*If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly.

*The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in a hot car. The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.

*Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your appetite, and you'll eat less.

*If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is that a balanced diet? Don't they actually counteract each other?

*Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger. Therefore, you need to eat more chocolate.

*Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done.

*A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Now, isn't that handy?

*If you can't eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer. But if you can't eat all your chocolate, what's wrong with you?

*If not for chocolate, there would be no need for control top pantyhose. An entire garment industry would be devastated. You can't let that happen, can you?


Empathy - May 30, 2017
A Sunday school teacher was telling her youngsters about Daniel and the Lion's Den. To illustrate the lesson she had a picture of Daniel standing, brave and confident, with a group of lions around him. Suddenly, one little girl started to cry.

The teacher said, "Don't cry. The lions are not going to eat Daniel."

Holding back sobs and tears the girl said, "That's not what I'm crying about. That little lion, over in the corner, isn't going to get anything to eat."


Swindled - May 29, 2017

A newsboy was standing on the corner with a stack of papers, yelling, "Read all about it.  Fifty people swindled! Fifty people swindled!"

Curious, a man walked over, bought a paper, and checked the front page. Finding nothing, the man said, "There's nothing in here about fifty people being swindled."

The newsboy ignored him and went on, calling out, "Read all about it. Fifty-one people swindled!"


Little Voice - May 26, 2017

A man walks into his doctor's office and says,

"Doctor, I've eaten something that disagrees with me."

A voice from the man's stomach says, "No, you haven't."


Subjectivity - May 25, 2017
My daughter was coming home from work late one night, when she came across a huge building fire. As she was stuck in traffic, she thought to herself, "I must be a half a mile away from the fire, and I can feel the heat from here!"

Then she realized, she had the heater on full blast.


Tough Hunting Call - May 24, 2017
A group of friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day.

That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.

"Where's Henry?"

"Henry broke his leg really badly. He's a couple of miles back up the trail."

"You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back!?!"

"A tough call," nodded the hunter, "but I figured no one is going to steal Henry!"


You Know You're In Trouble When ... - May 23, 2017
Your accountant's letter of resignation is postmarked Zurich.

Your suggestion box starts ticking.

You make more than you ever made, owe more than you ever owed, and have less than you've ever had.

The simple instructions enclosed aren't.

People send your wife sympathy cards on your anniversary.

The plumber floats by on your kitchen table.

Your secretary tells you the FBI is on line 1, the District Attorney is on line 2, and CBS is on line 3.


Bovine Delivery - May 22, 2017
What do you call a cow that just gave birth?

De-CALF-inated.


Teacher Parents - May 19, 2017
My wife and I are teachers, and our jobs often spill over into our family life. One morning as our eight-year-old Maggie was getting ready for school, I peeked into her room to be sure she had tidied it up.

"You call THAT a made bed?" I asked.

No Dad," Maggie replied. "It's just a rough draft."


Race Horses In A Stable - May 18, 2017
Some race horses are staying in a stable when one of them starts to boast about his track record: "In the last 15 races, I've won 8 of them!"

Another horse breaks in, "Well in the last 27 races, I've won 19!!"

"Oh that's good, but in the last 36 races, I've won 28!", says another, flicking his tail.

At this point, they notice that a greyhound dog has been sitting there listening. "I don't mean to boast," says the greyhound, "but in my last 90 races, I've won 88 of them!"

The horses are clearly amazed. "Wow!" says one, after a hushed silence. "A talking dog."


End Nail Biting - May 17, 2017
Two elderly women were fussing about their husbands over tea one day.

"I do wish my Leroy would stop biting his nails. That habit really bothers me!" the first one said.

"Oh, my Elmer used to do the same thing," the other woman commented, "but I broke him of that habit real quick."

"What did you do?"

"I hid his teeth!"


Healthy Eating - May 16, 2017
I am going to be healthy if it kills me.


Work Problems - May 15, 2017
The boss ordered one of his men to dig a hole eight feet deep. After the job was completed the boss returned and explained an error had been made and the hole wouldn't be needed.

"Fill 'er up," he ordered.

The worker did as he'd been told. But he ran into a problem. He couldn't get all the dirt packed back into the hole without leaving a mound on top. He went to the office and explained his problem.

The boss snorted, "Honestly! The kind of help you get these days! There's obviously only one thing to do. You'll have to dig that hole deeper!"


Family Secrets - May 12, 2017
The Smith's were proud of their family tradition; their ancestors had come to America on the Mayflower and also included many Senators and Wall Street wizards.

When they decided to compile a family history as a legacy reminder for their children and grandchildren they hired a fine author. Only one problem arose and that was how to handle that great-uncle George, who was executed in the electric chair.

The author said he could handle the story tactfully.

The book appeared. It said "Great-uncle George occupied a chair of applied electronics at an important government institution, was attached to his position by the strongest of ties, and his death came as a great shock."


Eye Problems - May 11, 2017
"Doctor!" whined the patient. "I keep seeing spots before my eyes."

The physician scratched his head, "Why have you come to me? Have you seen an ophthalmologist?"

"No," replied the patient, "just spots."


Telemarketers - May 10, 2017
If you answer the phone and say, "Hello, you're on the air" most telemarketers will hang up quickly.


Christianity, Faith, Righteousness - May 9, 2017
A preacher and the president of a soap manufacturing company went for a walk together.

The president said, "What good is Christianity? Look at all the trouble and misery of the world! Still there, even after years, thousands of years, of teaching about goodness and truth and love and peace. Still there, after all the sermons and teachings. If Christianity is good and true, why should this be?"

The preacher said nothing. They continued walking until he noticed a child playing in the gutter.

Then the preacher said, "Look at that child. You say that soap makes people clean, but see the dirt on that youngster. Of what good is soap? With all the soap in the world, over all these years, the child is still filthy. I wonder how effective soap is, after all!"

The president of the soap company protested, "But preacher, soap cannot do any good unless it is used!"

"Exactly," replied the preacher. "Exactly."


Wills Explained - May 8, 2017
I was in my wills and trusts course when the professor posed this question to the students:

"Why do people choose to have their children, rather than their siblings, inherit their estate?"

After students offered various theories, one fellow raised his hand.

"This may be a bit off the point," he said, "but when I was little, after my brother and sister finished playing with me, they would put me into a drawer."


Google - May 5, 2017
I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been Googling my name on her computer; I saw it through my binoculars last night.


Christening Ink - May 4, 2017
"Traditional christening services are being replaced by ceremonies where the newborn's name will be tattooed on some part of one or both parents' anatomy.

Their choice of decorative script is, as one archbishop observed, the closest some of these people will ever get to a font."


Marriage, Compatibility - May 3, 2017
A fellow asked his friend why he never married.

The friend replied, "Well, I guess I just never met the right woman; I guess I've been looking for the perfect girl."

"Oh, come on now," said the fellow. "Surely you have met at least one girl that you wanted to marry."

"Yes, there was a girl... once. I guess she was the one perfect girl; the only perfect girl I really ever met. She was just the right everything. I really mean that she was the perfect girl for me."

"Well, why didn't you marry her," asked the fellow.

"Because she was looking for the perfect man."


Signs Your Garage Needs To Be Cleaned - May 2, 2017

- It just entered itself in the heavyweight division on BattleBots.

- I don't care what mortgage company you use, they're not going to ask for paycheck stubs from anything earlier than the Eisenhower administration.

- Environmentalists picket in your driveway to save the old-growth cobwebs.

- You have 12 leaf rakes with a total of 19 tines.

- Your missing son emerges twelve years after disappearing, with a tale of being raised by boxes and old exercise equipment.

- Cockroaches won't go in there without 12 pairs of tiny rubber gloves on.

- "Antiques Roadshow" holds a live broadcast from your driveway.


Seabird Sausage - May 1, 2017
Never thought my butcher would turn a sea bird into sausage: but then he took a tern for the wurst.

April 2017



Daughter In College - April 28, 2017
Did you hear about the banker who was recently arrested for embezzling $100,000 to pay for his daughter's college education?

As the policeman, who also had a daughter in college, was leading him away in handcuffs, he said to the banker,

"I have just one question for you. Where were you going to get the rest of the money?"


Lantern Trial - April 27, 2017
In a terrible accident at a railroad crossing, a train smashed into a car and pushed it nearly four hundred yards down the track. Though no one was killed, the driver took the train company to court.

At the trial, the crossing guard insisted that he had given the driver ample warning by waving his lantern back and forth for nearly a minute. He even stood and convincingly demonstrated how he'd done it. The court believed his story, and the suit was dismissed.

"Congratulations," the lawyer said to the guard when it was over. "You did superbly under cross-examination."

"Thanks," he said, "but he sure had me worried."

"How's that?" the lawyer asked.

"I was afraid he was going to ask if the lantern was lit!"


Parrot Dream Fulfilled  - April 26, 2017
A gentleman goes to an estate sale and notices that one of the items for sale is a large parrot.

He's always wanted a talking bird, so when it comes up for bid he offers $50.

The bidding proceeds hot and heavy with someone always bidding ten dollars more than he until the parrot is finally sold to him for $1,500.

When he goes to get the bird, he asks the auctioneer, "Can the bird talk?"

The auctioneer replied, "Who do you think was bidding against you?"


Plumb Historical - April 25, 2017
I recently overheard a boss talking to one of his employees at a restaurant recently.

"Was your wife mad when you got home so late last night?" the boss asked.

"Yes, she was plumb historical," the employee replied.

"Don't you mean hysterical?"

"No, I mean historical. She brought up things that happened forty years ago."


Tired Dog Plumb Historical - April 24, 2017
An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was well taken care of. He calmly came over to me, I gave him a few pats on his head. Then he followed me into my house, slowly walked down the hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep.

An hour later he went to the door and I let him out.

The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard, walked inside and resumed his spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour. This continued off and on for several weeks.

Curious, I pinned this note to his collar: "I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful, sweet dog is and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap."

The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to his collar: "He lives in a home with 6 children, 2 under the age of 3. He's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?"


Cast Off - April 21, 2017
An elderly lady, who lived on the third floor of a boardinghouse, broke her leg. As the doctor put a cast on it, he warned her not to climb any stairs.

Several months later, the doctor took off the cast.

"Can I climb stairs now?" asked the little old lady.

"Yes," he replied.

"Thank goodness!" she said.

"I'm sick and tired of shinnying up and down that drainpipe!"


Field Day - April 20, 2017
Equine Opportunities: If the horses ever realize the barn door isn't locked, they're gonna have a field day.


Education And Training - April 19, 2017

I'd been working on my business degree for about a year when I finally got to take a popular finance course. I went to the bookstore to buy the textbook and was shocked to find out it would cost me $125. I asked how much it was worth if I sold it back at the end of the semester.

"You'll get $50," said the clerk.

"This is insane," I protested as I handed him my credit card.

"I know," replied the clerk sympathetically. "I've always thought that a person who buys a finance book for $125 then sells it back for $50 should fail the course."


Ventriloquist Career Change - April 18, 2017
There was a ventriloquist who had no work for six months. He went to his agent and told him he needed work badly.

The agent said, "There's no call for ventriloquists, but if you were a psychic I could get you plenty of work." So this ventriloquist went home and hung out a psychic sign.

An hour later a woman knocks on the door: "I want to talk to my deceased husband--how much will it cost?"

The ventriloquist says, "If you talk to him, $50; if he talks to you, $100; and if you talk to each other while I'm drinking coffee, that's $200."


Top Ten Signs You're In For A Long Sermon - April 17, 2017
10. There's a case of bottled water beside the pulpit in a cooler.

9. The pews have camper hookups.

8. You overhear the pastor telling the soundman to have a few dozen extra tapes on hand to record today's sermon.

7. The preacher has brought a snack to the pulpit.

6. The preacher breaks for an intermission.

5. The bulletins have pizza delivery menus.

4. When the preacher asks the deacon to bring in his notes, he rolls in a filing cabinet.

3. The choir loft is furnished with La-Z-Boys.

2. Instead of taking off his watch and laying it on the pulpit, the preacher turns up a four-foot hour-glass.

And the number one sign you're in for a long Sunday sermon

1. The minister says, "You'll be out in time to watch the super bowl" but it's only November!


Guard Dog Karate - April 14, 2017
A young couple lived in a town filled with crime.

After three neighbors had been robbed, the couple decided to get a guard dog.

Visiting the pet store, the young wife asked for a good guard dog.

"Sorry, we're all sold out," the clerk replied. "All we have left is this little Scottie dog. But he does know karate!"

The woman didn't believe the clerk, so he told the dog to karate a chair. The dog broke the chair into pieces. Then he told the dog to karate a table, and the dog quickly broke the table in half. So the woman bought the dog and took it home.

Her husband was disappointed and skeptical about the Scottie dog's abilities as a guard dog.

The wife told him about the dog's excellent karate skills.

"Karate, my butt!" the husband yelled.

To this very day, he is still in the hospital.


Far-Fetched - April 13, 2017
A dog retrieves a ball thrown from over a mile away: seems pretty far-fetched.


Born Salesman - April 12, 2017
I learned a lesson in marketing from a man who bought an old boat, a trailer, and a motor from me. "Thanks," he said as he loaded them up. "I'm planning to resell them."

Good luck, I thought. I had been trying to get rid of them for months. But when I ran into him a few weeks later, he'd sold everything.

"How did you manage that?" I marveled.

"I took out an ad: 'Heavy-duty boat trailer with free boat.' When the buyer came to get it, I asked if he had a motor. He said no. I told him I happened to have one in my garage. Bought that, too."


How High Can You Go? - April 11, 2017
A kangaroo kept getting out of his enclosure at the zoo.

Knowing that he could hop pretty high, the zoo officials put up a ten-foot fence. However, the next morning the kangaroo was out again, just roaming around the zoo.

The zoo officials raised the height of the fence to twenty feet. Again, however, the next morning the kangaroo was again roaming around the zoo.

This kept on, night after night, until the fence was sixty feet high.

Finally, the camel in the next enclosure asked the kangaroo, "How high do you think they'll go?"

The kangaroo replied, "Probably a hundred feet, unless somebody starts locking the gate at night!!"


Modest Income - April 10, 2017
"Darling," said the young man to his new bride. "Now that we are married, do you think you will be able to live on my modest income?"

"Of course, dearest, no trouble," she answered. "But what will you live on?"


Outhouse Confession - April 7, 2017
Once there was a little boy who lived in the country.

For facilities, they had to use an outhouse, and the little boy hated it because it was hot in the summer, cold in the winter and stank all the time. The outhouse was sitting on the bank of a creek and the boy determined that one day he would push that outhouse into the water.

One day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen so the little boy decided today was the day to push the outhouse into the creek. So he got a large stick and pushed. The outhouse toppled into the creek and floated away.

That night his dad told him they were going to the woodshed after supper. Knowing that meant a spanking, the little boy asked why.

The dad replied, "Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today. It was you, wasn't it, son?"

The boy answered yes.

Then he thought a moment and said, "Dad, I read in school today that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn't get into trouble because he told the truth."

The dad replied, "Well, son, George Washington's father wasn't in that cherry tree!!"


Color Blind - April 6 2017
Checking out of the grocery store, I noticed that the bag boy was eyeing my two adopted children curiously. They often draw scrutiny, since my son's a blond Russian, while my daughter has shiny black Haitian skin.

The boy continued staring as he carried our groceries to the car.

Finally, he asked. "Those your kids?"

"Yes, they are!" I answered proudly.

"They adopted?" he asked.

"Yes," I replied.

"I thought so," he concluded. "I figured you're too old to have kids that small."


Successful - April 5, 2017

If I had known how successful I was going to be, I wouldn't have worked so hard when I was young!


Church Leadership - April 4, 2017
We were celebrating the 100th anniversary of our church, and several former pastors and the bishop were in attendance. At one point, our minister had the children gather at the altar for a talk about the importance of the day. He began by asking, "Does anyone know what the bishop does?"

There was silence.

Finally, one little boy answered gravely, "He's the one you can move diagonally."


Sweater Gifts - April 3, 2017
Although we had recently moved into a new neighborhood, our young son had already made many new friends, ten of whom were invited to his birthday party. When the happy day arrived and he opened his presents, I was amazed to see that eight guests had presented him with sweaters.

Later I visited the mother of one of the boys to explain about the multiplicity of sweaters in the hope that an exchange might be arranged.

She said coolly, "Well, after all, you were the one who wrote on the invitation what you wanted me to buy."

For a few minutes I was stunned into silence; then I realized what had happened. Since the party was being held in our basement, which is always cool, I had written on each invitation: "Please have your child bring a sweater."