Good, Clean Jokes and Funny Stories


Good, Clean Jokes and Funny Stories


While the Bible isn't a joke book, it is obvious that humor played an important role in Hebrew culture. When drought hit Jacob's world he turned to his sons and said, "Why are you staring at one another...Go down [to Egypt] and buy some for us" (Gen 42:1-2). I also hear humor in some of Jesus' remarks, like when He renamed James and John the "sons of thunder" or when He said the Pharisees where like whitewashed tombs, full of dead men's bones (Matt 23). I think we need the picture of Jesus laughing and enjoying people. In fact, while Jesus indeed had many hard things to say, He was also full of emotion, joy and celebration. Even as He rebuked the Pharisees, we see a glimpse of His demeanor in ministry when He scolded them saying, "We played the flute for you, but you would not dance" (Matt 11). There was something very non-religious in Jesus that laughter, celebration and humor is part of. Hopefully, these jokes, stories and quips will help make your day more merry as you walk with the Lord Jesus through this world.

Francis

May 2019

May 31, 2019 - Life
Civilization makes it possible for you to live off other persons instead of off the land.


May 30, 2019 - Decisions
I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not sure.”


May 27, 2019 - Baby News
The couple had been married about a year when one day the woman came running up to her husband jumping for joy. Not knowing how to react, the husband started jumping up and down along with her. "Why are we so happy?" he asked.

"Honey, I have some really great news for you!" she said.

"Great" he said, "tell me what you're so happy about."

She stopped jumping and was breathless from all the jumping up and down. "I'm pregnant!" she gasped.

The husband was ecstatic as they had been trying for a while. He grabbed her, kissed her, and started telling her how wonderful it was, and that he couldn't be happier.

Then she said "Oh, Honey there's more."

"What do you mean more?", he asked.

"Well we are not having just one baby, we are going to have TWINS!"

Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, he asked her how she knew.

"It was easy" she said, "I went to the pharmacy and bought the 2 pack home pregnancy test kit and both tests came out positive!"


May 26, 2019 -Animal Crackers

When the mother returned from the grocery store, her small son pulled out the box of animal crackers he had begged for, then he spread the animal-shaped crackers all over the kitchen counter.

"What are you doing?" his Mom asked.

"The box says you can't eat them if the seal is broken," the boy explained. "I'm looking for the seal."


May 25, 2019 -Library Confusion
The college football player knew his way around the locker room better than he did the library, so when the librarian saw the gridiron star roaming the stacks looking confused, she asked how she could help.

"I have to read a play by Shakespeare," he said.

"Which one?" she asked.

Still scanning the shelves, he answered, "William."


May 24, 2019 -Census Taker
An old man was sitting on his porch, when a young man walked up with a pad and pencil in his hand.

"What are you selling, young man?" he asked.

"I'm not selling anything, sir," the young man replied. "I'm the census taker."

"A what?" the man asked.

"A census taker. We are trying to find out how many people are in the United States."

"Well," the man answered, "you're wasting your time with me; I have no idea."


May 23, 2019 -Mischievous Grandkids
My daughter spent the night over at my mom's house one weekend. She is 3 and full of mischief.

My mom told her, "You must behave if you want to stay again overnight.”

My daughter looked at her and said, "Yes your Majesty Princess Gramma of Coolness!"


May 20, 2019 - Golfer's Tale
A group of golfers were telling tall stories. At last came a veteran's turn. "Well," he said, "I once drove a ball, accidentally of course, through a cottage window. The ball knocked over an oil lamp and the place caught on fire!"

"What did you do?" asked his friends.

"Oh," said the veteran, "I immediately teed up another ball, took careful aim, and hit the fire alarm on Main Street. That brought out the fire engine before any major damage was done."


May 19, 2019 - Raisin Bran Crime
Two police officers respond to a crime scene behind a grocery store. The homicide detective is already there.

"What happened?" asks the first officer.

"Male, about twenty-five, covered in Raisin Bran and dead as a doornail."

"Good grief," says the second officer. "Didn't we have one covered in Frosted Flakes yesterday? And Captain Crunch last week?"

"You're right. I'm afraid," said the detective as he took a drag from his cigar, "this is the work of a cereal killer."


May 18, 2019 - Self-Confidence Test
Are you confident in your self-confidence? Try this test.

First Question:
You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in?


May 17, 2019 - Ah, Mozart
A married couple trying to live up to a snobbish lifestyle went to a party. The conversation turned to Mozart. "Absolutely brilliant, magnificent, a genius!"

The woman, wanting to join in the conversation, remarked casually, "Ah, Mozart. You're so right. I love him. Only this morning I saw him getting on the No. 5 bus going to Coney Island."

There was a sudden hush, and everyone looked at her. Her husband was mortified. He pulled her away and whispered, "We're leaving right now. Get your coat and let's get out of here."

As they drove home, he kept muttering to himself. Finally his wife turned to him. "You're angry about something."

"Oh really? You noticed?" he sneered. "I've never been so embarrassed in my life! You saw Mozart take the No. 5 bus to Coney Island? You goober! Don't you know the No. 5 bus doesn't go out to Coney Island?"


May 16, 2019 - Sandwich Perfection
As ham sandwiches go, it was perfection. A thick slab of ham, a fresh bun, crisp lettuce and plenty of expensive, light brown, gourmet mustard.

The corners of my jaw aching in anticipation, I carried it to the picnic table in our backyard, picked it up with both hands but was stopped by my wife suddenly at my side.

"Hold Johnny, (our six-week-old son), while I get my sandwich," she said.

I had him balanced between my left elbow and shoulder and was reaching again for the ham sandwich when I noticed a streak of mustard on my fingers. I love mustard. And I had no napkin. I licked it off.

It was NOT mustard.

No man ever put a baby down faster. It was the first and only time I have sprinted with my tongue protruding. With a washcloth in each hand I did the sort of routine shoeshine guys do, only I did it on my tongue.

Later my wife said, "Now you know why they call that mustard 'Poupon.'"


May 13, 2019 - Success

At age 4 success is . . . . Not piddling in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . Having friends.
At age 17 success is . . Having a driver's license.
At age 35 success is . . . ..having money.
At age 50 success is . . . Having money..
At age 70 success is . .. . Having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . .. . Having friends.
At age 80 success is . . .. Not piddling in your pants.


May 12, 2019 - Train Track
You can be on the right track and still get hit by a train!


May 11, 2019 - Respect
Watch carefully how your date treats servers and other workers; it's how you're going to get treated in six months.”


May 10, 2019 - More Laughs

On a very cold, snowy Sunday in February, only the pastor and one farmer arrived at the village church. The pastor said, "Well, I guess we won't have a service today." The farmer replied: "Heck, if even only one cow shows up at feeding time, I feed it." The pastor continued with the full service - including a 40 minute sermon. On the way out the farmer said, "I said I would still feed the one cow - not feed him the whole herds food."

During a children's sermon, Rev. Larry Eisenberg asked the children what "Amen" means. A little boy raised his hand and said: "It means - 'Tha-tha-tha-that's all folks!' "

A student was asked to list the 10 Commandments in any order. His answer? "3, 6, 1, 8, 4, 5, 9, 2, 10, 7".

I was at the beach with my children when my four-year-old son ran up to me, grabbed my hand, and led me to the shore, where a sea gull lay dead in the sand. "Mommy, what happened to him?" the little boy asked. "He died and went to Heaven," I replied. My son thought a moment and then said, "And God threw him back down?"


May 9, 2019 - Train Candy Bar
Little Johnny and his friend Billy were on their very first train ride, with Billy's mother.

A vendor came down the corridor selling a candy bar that neither had ever seen before. Billy's mom bought each one of them a bar.

Little Johnny eagerly tore open the wrapper and bit a bit off into his mouth just as the train went into a tunnel. When the train emerged from the tunnel, he looked across at Billy and said: "I wouldn't eat that if I were you."

"Why not?" asked Billy.

Little Johnny replied, "I took one bite and went blind for half a minute."


May 6, 2019 - Trusting the Pilot
On a recent flight, an elderly passenger kept peering out the window. Since it was totally dark, all she could see was the blinking wing-tip light. Finally, she rang for the flight attendant.

"I'm sorry to bother you," she said, "but I think you should inform the pilot that his left-turn indicator is on and has been for some time."


May 5, 2019 - Over the Hill
Once over the hill, you pick up speed.


May 4, 2019 - Stolen Goose
Confessor: I have stolen a fat goose from a poultry yard!

Priest: That is very wrong.

Confessor: Would you like to accept it, Father?

Priest: Certainly not- return it to the man whom you stole it from.

Confessor: But I have offered it to him and he won't have it.

Priest: In that case you may keep it yourself.

Confessor: Thank you, Father.

The Priest arrived home to find one of his geese had been stolen...


May 3, 2019 - Heavenly Rates
A man dies and goes to heaven. Of course, St. Peter meets him at the pearly gates. St. Peter says, "Here's how it works. You need 100 points to make it into heaven. You tell me all the good things you've done, and I give you a certain number of points for each item, depending on how good it was. When you reach 100 points, you get in."

"Okay," the man says, "I was married to the same woman for 50 years and never cheated on her, even in my heart."

"That's wonderful," says St. Peter, "that's worth three points!"

"Three points?" he says. "Well, I attended church all my life and supported its ministry with my tithe and service."

"Terrific!" says St. Peter, "that's certainly worth a point."

"One point? Golly. How about this: I started a soup kitchen in my city and worked in a shelter for homeless veterans."

"Fantastic, that's good for two more points," he says.

"TWO POINTS!!" the man cries, "At this rate the only way I get into heaven is by the grace of God!"

"Come on in!"


May 2, 2019 - Kicking
When a fellow is kicking, he has only one leg to stand on.

April 2019

April - 29, 2019 - Suspense
Not only am I a master of suspense, but I . . .”


April 28, 2019 - Humor
“If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably don't have any sense at all.”

The Strangest and most Beautiful Streets in the World


April 27, 2019 - Great Truths That Little Children Have Learned:

1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats..
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food..
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair..
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandma's lap.


April 26, 2019 - Great Truths That Adults Have Learned:
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground...
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy..


April 25, 2019 - Great Truths About Growing Old

1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional...
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions...
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.


April 22, 2019 - DIY Complications

The middle-aged man was shuffling along, bent over at the waist, as his wife helped him into the doctor's waiting room. A woman in the office viewed the scene in sympathy. "Arthritis with complications?" she asked.

The wife shook her head, "No. Do-it-yourself," she explained, "with concrete blocks."


April 21, 2019 - Child's Play

When my wife quit work to take care of our new baby daughter, countless hours of peek-a-boo and other games slowly took their toll.

One evening she smacked her bare toes on the corner of a dresser and, grabbing her foot, sank to the floor. I rushed to her side and asked where it hurt.

She looked at me through tear-filled eyes and managed to moan, "It's the piggy that ate roast beef."


April 20, 2019 - Sidewalk Meeting
Bumping into a woman on the sidewalk, the Tom Cruise look-alike apologized, "Pardon me!"

"That's quite all right," the woman replied. "You look just like my fourth husband."

"Wow!" he said. "How many times have you been married?"

She winked at him and said, "Three."


April 19, 2019 - Marital Faithfulness

A man approached a very beautiful woman in a large supermarket and said, "You know, I've lost my wife somewhere in this huge supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"

"Why?" she asks.

"Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife suddenly appears out of nowhere and I'm tired of looking for her!"


April 18, 2019 - Passwords
My kids love going to the Web, and they keep track of their passwords by writing them on Post-it notes.

I noticed their Disney password was "MickeyMinnieGoofyPluto," and so I asked why it was so long.

"Because," my son explained, "they say it has to have at least four characters."


April 15, 2019 - Cough Remedy

The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against the wall. The owner asks the clerk "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"

The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."

The owner screams, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with a bottle of laxative!"

The clerk replies, "Of course you can! Look at him. He's too afraid to cough!"


April 14, 2019 - Thirteen Year-Olds
"Doctor, I'd like you to evaluate my 13 year-old son."

"OK: He's suffering from a transient psychosis with an intermittent rage disorder, punctuated by episodic radical mood swings, but his prognosis is good for full recovery."

"How can you say all that without even meeting him?"

"I thought you said he's 13?"


April 13, 2019 - A Touch of Home
Although we were being married in New Hampshire, I wanted to add a touch of my home state, Kansas, to the wedding. My fiancee, explaining this to a friend, said that we were planning to have wheat rather than rice thrown after the ceremony.

Our friend thought for a moment. Then he said solemnly, "It's a good thing she's not from Idaho."


April 12, 2019 - Lost Pigs
Howard County Police officers still write their reports by hand, and the data is entered later by a computer tech into their database. One theft report stated that a farmer had lost 2,025 pigs. Thinking that to be an error, the tech called the farmer directly.

"Is it true Mr. (Smith) that you lost 2,025 pigs?" she asked.

"Yeth." lisped the farmer.

Being a Howard County girl herself, the tech entered:

"Subject lost 2 sows and 25 pigs."


April 11, 2019 - Clean House
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the drive before it has stopped snowing.”


April 11, 2019 - Decision
A company was hiring new staff. One question in the written exam was:

You are driving your car in a wild stormy night. You pass by a bus station, and you see three people waiting for the bus: an old lady who looks as if she is about to die, a doctor who had once saved your life, a man/woman you have been dreaming to be with. You can only take one passenger in your car. Which one will you choose? Please explain your answer.

Think about it before you continue reading.

This must be some kind of personality test. Every answer has its reasoning.

You could pick up the old lady. She is going to die, and thus you should save her first. You could take the doctor, because he once saved your life. This will be the perfect chance to pay him back. However, you could always pay the doctor back in the future, but you may never be able to find the perfect love once you pass this chance.

The candidate who was eventually hired (out of 200 applicants) did not have to explain his answer.

WHAT DID HE SAY?

He simply answered: "Give the car key to the doctor. Let him take the old lady to the hospital. I will stay and wait for the bus with the man/woman of my dreams."

Sometimes, we would gain more if we were able to give up our stubborn limitations.


April 8, 2019 - Intercom Repair
My friend's son worked at a fast-food restaurant when he was in high school.

One night while he was manning the drive-thru, a customer told him that the Intercom wasn't working properly. My friend's son went about filling the order while a female co-worker fiddled with the intercom.

She asked, "Is that okay now?"

"Well, no," the customer replied. "Now you sound like a girl."


April 7, 2019 - Notary
I was the editor of a small daily newspaper. Someone came into the newsroom and asked if anyone was a notary public.

One not too bright reporter said, "I guess I am. I voted that way in the last election.”


April 6, 2019 - Top Ten Signs That You Are Webbed Out
10. Your opening line is, "So what's your home page address?"

9. Your best friend is someone you've never met.

8. You see a beautiful sunset, and you half expect to see "Best viewed in Firefox" on one of the clouds.

7. You are overcome with disbelief, anger and finally depressed when you encounter a Web page with no links.

6. You feel driven to consult the "Cool Page of the Day" on your wedding day.

5. You are driving on a dark and rainy night when you hydroplane on puddle, sending your car careening toward the flimsy guard rail that separates you from the precipice of a rocky cliff and certain death. You look for the "Back" button.

4. You visit "The Really Big Button that Doesn't Do Anything" again and again and again.

3. Your dog has his own Web page.

2. So does your hamster.

... and the No. 1 sign that you have overdosed on the WWW:

When you read a magazine, you have an irresistible urge to click on the underlined passages.


April 5, 2019 - "Taa-Daa!"
A magician calls a man up on stage, hands him a mallet, and instructs the guy to hit him hard on the head.

The magician then puts his head down on a wooden block.

The man shrugs his shoulders and pounds him.

Three years later, the magician wakes up from a coma in hospital and goes "Taa-Daa!"


April 4, 2019 - Bedside Manner
The doctor was making his rounds and walked into the semi-private room in the hospital to examine old Mrs. Williams.

After the exam in his best professional voice, he said smoothly, "You are coughing much more easily this morning."

"I should," snapped the patient. "I've been practicing all night."


April 1, 2019 -  Everybody and Nobody

This is a little story about four people named
Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody.

There was an important job to be done and
Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it.

Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it.
Somebody got angry about that
because it was Everybody's job.

Everybody thought that Anybody could do it,
but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it.

It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when
Nobody did what Anybody could have done.