Good, Clean Jokes and Funny Stories


Good, Clean Jokes and Funny Stories


While the Bible isn't a joke book, it is obvious that humor played an important role in Hebrew culture. When drought hit Jacob's world he turned to his sons and said, "Why are you staring at one another...Go down [to Egypt] and buy some for us" (Gen 42:1-2). I also hear humor in some of Jesus' remarks, like when He renamed James and John the "sons of thunder" or when He said the Pharisees where like whitewashed tombs, full of dead men's bones (Matt 23). I think we need the picture of Jesus laughing and enjoying people. In fact, while Jesus indeed had many hard things to say, He was also full of emotion, joy and celebration. Even as He rebuked the Pharisees, we see a glimpse of His demeanor in ministry when He scolded them saying, "We played the flute for you, but you would not dance" (Matt 11). There was something very non-religious in Jesus that laughter, celebration and humor is part of. Hopefully, these jokes, stories and quips will help make your day more merry as you walk with the Lord Jesus through this world.

Francis

July 2020

July 31, 2020 - Customer Service
Two friends and I ordered sandwiches in a local joint. I wanted hot sauce, Jim wanted medium and Bob, mild. When I asked for all three, the ornery waitress pointed to the squeeze bottle sitting in the middle of the table.

"We need three," I insisted. "Which one is this?"

"All of them," she replied. "You want hot, put more on."


July 30, 2020 - Pilot, Let's Go!
With his request approved, the CNN News cameraman quickly used his cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight. He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.

Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger. He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, "Let's go!" The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off.

Once in the air, the cameraman instructed the pilot, "Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can get shots of the fires on the hillsides."

"Why?" asked the pilot.

"Because I'm a cameraman for CNN," he responded, "and I need to get some close up shots."

The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered, "So, what you're telling me, is ... you're NOT my flight instructor?!"


July 27, 2020 - Senior's Drivers License

A man was sitting on a lawn sunning and reading, when he was startled by a fairly late model car crashing through a hedge and coming to rest on his lawn. He helped the elderly driver out and sat her on a lawn chair.

"My goodness" he exclaimed, "you are quite old to be driving!"

"Yes" she replied," I am old enough that I don't need a license anymore. The last time I went to my doctor he examined me, and asked if I had a drivers license. I told him yes and handed it to him. He took scissors out of a drawer, cut the license into pieces and threw them in the wastebasket."

"You won't be needing this anymore," he said.

"So I thanked him and left.'


July 26, 2020 - Basic Training
For some recruits, there is nothing basic about basic training.

It was clear that one soldier in particular was not getting the hang of it when on guard duty, he cried out, "Halt! Don't shoot, or I'll move!"


July 25, 2020 - Legalism

Here is a purported-to-be-true story someone found regarding exams at Cambridge University. It seems that during an examination one day, a bright young student popped up and asked the proctor to bring him cakes and ale. The following dialog ensued:

Proctor: I beg your pardon?

Student: Sir, I request that you bring me cakes and ale.

Proctor: Sorry, no.

Student: Sir, I really must insist. I request and require that you bring me cakes and ale.

At this point, the student produced a copy of the four hundred-year-old Laws of Cambridge, written in Latin and still nominally in effect, and pointed to the section that read (roughly translated): "Gentlemen sitting examinations may request and require cakes and ale." Pepsi and hamburgers were judged the modern equivalent, and the student sat there, writing his examination and happily eating and slurping away.

Three weeks later, the student was fined five pounds for not wearing a sword to the examination.

July 24, 2020 - New Number
We telemarketers know we're universally loathed. Still, some people are quite pleasant on the phone.

One day I called a number and asked to speak with Mr.Morgan. The woman who answered explained that he no longer lived at that address, but she did have a number where he could be reached.

I thanked her, rang that number, and was greeted with, "Good morning, Highland View Cemetery."


July 23, 2020 - Family Moving
When my father-in-law decided to move after his retirement, he invited us to his home to take a few pieces of furniture he wanted us to have. One item was beautiful but very heavy - an antique dining-room set. Our teenage son helped us wrestle the set into our truck. It took the whole day, but finally the table, chairs, and china cabinet were sitting in our dining room.

"Just think," I said as I admired the furniture while my son sat resting. "This set is 100 years old. And someday, it will belong to you."

"Oh, no!" he replied with a stricken look on his face. "You mean I'm going to have to move this thing AGAIN?"


July 20, 2020 - Flying Home

A student was heading home for the holidays. When she got to the airline counter, she presented her ticket to New York. As she gave the agent her luggage, she made the remark, "I'd like you to send my green suitcase to Hawaii and my red suitcase to London."

The confused agent said, "I'm sorry, but we can't do that."

"Really? I am so relieved to hear you say that, because that's exactly what you did to my luggage last year!"


July 19, 2020 - Two Blondes and a Sod Truck
Two blondes were sipping their Starbucks when a truck
went past loaded up with rolls of sod.

"I'm going to do that when I win the lottery," announced Blonde #1.

"Do what?" asked Blonde #2.
"Send my lawn out to be mowed."


July 18, 2020 - Cab Driver Etiquette

On a business trip to India, I arrived at the airport in Delhi and took a taxi to my hotel, where I was greeted by my hospitable Indian host.

The cab driver requested the equivalent of eight dollars U.S. for the fare. It seemed reasonable, so I started to hand him the money. But my host grabbed the bills and initiated a verbal assault upon the cabby, calling him a worthless parasite and a disgrace to their country for trying to overcharge visitors. My host threw half the amount at the driver and told him never to return. As the taxi sped off, my host gave me the remaining bills and asked, "How was your trip?"

"Fine ... until you chased the cab away with my luggage in the trunk."


July 17, 2020 - Pronunciation
How would you pronounce this child's name? "Le-a"

Leah?? NO
Lee - A?? NOPE
Lay - a?? NO
Lei?? Guess Again.

This child attends a school in Kansas City , Mo.
Her mother is irate because everyone is getting her name wrong.
It's pronounced "Ledasha".
When the Mother was asked about the pronunciation of the name, she said, "the dash don't be silent."

SO, if you see something come across your desk like this please remember to pronounce the dash.
If dey axe you why, tell dem de dash don't be silent.


July 16, 2020 - Laundry
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweatshirt...

Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me,

'What setting do I use on the washing machine?'

'It depends,' I replied.

'What does it say on your shirt?'

He yelled back, ' OHIO STATE ! '


July 13, 2020 - Yosemite Bears
A married couple was vacationing in Yosemite. The wife expressed her concern about camping because of bears and said she would feel more comfortable in a motel. The husband said that he'd like to camp. To calm her concerns, he suggested they talk to the park ranger to see what the likelihood of a bear encounter would be.

The ranger told them, "Well, we haven't seen any grizzlies in this area so far this year, or black bears, for that matter."

The wife shrieked, "There are TWO types of bears out here? How can you tell the difference? Which one is more dangerous?"

The ranger replied, "Well, that's easy -- see, if the bear chases you up a tree and it comes up after you, it's a BLACK bear. If it SHAKES the tree until you fall out, it's a grizzly."

The motel room was quite nice.


July 12, 2020 - Rabbit Trick
The problem: There's a box with a hole at each end, and there's a rabbit in the box. The rabbit sticks his head out of the hole in one end, and a minute later he sticks it out the other end. Half a minute later, his head appears at the opposite end, a fourth of a minute later it appears at the end opposite to that one, an eighth of a minute later, etc., etc. How long will it take before the rabbit sticks its head out of both ends of the box at the same time?

In theory, two minutes.

In practice, no answer is possible unless you split hares.


July 11, 2020 - Life Changes
I dialed a number and got the following recording:

"I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the beep. If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes."


July 10, 2020 - Computer Users

Computer users are divided into three types: Novice, Intermediate, and Expert.

Novice User - Someone who is afraid that simply pressing a key might break a computer.

Intermediate User - Someone who doesn't know how to fix a computer after pressing the key that broke it.

Expert User - Someone who presses the key that breaks someone else's computer.


July 9, 2020 - 10 Questions
Our local paper runs a popular column called "10 Questions" that spotlights people who live in our community.

In addition to the usual inquiries about occupation and age, people are asked questions that give a snapshot of their personalities.

Recently one woman was asked, "What's the strangest thing you ever bought?"

She answered, "Dog toothpaste."

Next question: "What is the most common thing people say to you?"

Her answer: "Where did you get such white teeth?"


July 5, 2020 - Child's Prayer
One particular four-year-old prayed, 'And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets.'


July 4, 2020 - Church Teaching
A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they were on the way to church service, 'And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?'

One bright little girl replied, 'Because people are sleeping.'


July 3, 2020 - Taking Turns
A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3 The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.

Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.. 'If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.' Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, ' Ryan , you be Jesus !'


July 2, 2020 - Heaven
A father was at the beach with his children when the four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore where a seagull lay dead in the sand..

'Daddy, what happened to him?' the son asked. 'He died and went to Heaven,' the Dad replied. The boy thought a moment and then said,

'Did God throw him back down?'

June 2020

June 29, 2020 - Haircut for a Car
A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.
His father said he'd make a deal with his son, "You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car."

The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.
After about six weeks his father said, "Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut."

The boy said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the
Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair, and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair." (You're going to love the Dad's reply!)

"Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?"


June 28, 2020 - Hair Color

Nina was at the Motor Vehicle Bureau applying for a driver's license filling out the forms. When she came to the line "Color of Hair," she put, "L'oreal Preference 8 1/2B."

June 27, 2020 - Respect for Rank
A young soldier was stationed at Myrtle Beach, S.C., where he spent his spare time fishing in the backwaters of the Intercostals Waterway. Soon he became a guide of sorts for some senior non-commissioned officers.

Once, a chief master sergeant hooked a 20-pound striped bass. After he reeled the fish onto the boat, he slipped the hook out of its mouth and released it back into the water.

He noticed the puzzled look on the face of the young soldier.

"Rank does have its privileges. I can't keep a fish that has more stripes than I do," he explained.

June 26, 2020 - Missed Calls
After a recent college basketball game, the coach spotted a cell phone lying on the floor.

He picked it up and handed it to one of the referees, saying, "Here's your phone."

"What makes you think it's mine?" the ref asked.

"Easy," the coach replied. "It says you missed 13 calls."

June 25, 2020 - Died of Shame

Annie, 6 years old, gets home from school.

She had just had her first family planning lesson at school.
Her mother, very interested, asks;" How did it go?"

"I died of shame!" She answers!
“ Why?” Her Mother asked.

Annie said, “Karen from down the road, says that the stork brings babies.
Sally next door said you can buy babies at the orphanage. Peter in my class says you can buy babies at the hospital.”

Her mother answers laughingly “But that’s no reason to be ashamed?”

“No, but I can’t tell them that we were so poor that you and daddy had to make me yourselves!”

June 22, 2020 - Ode to a Shedding Cat
I think that I shall never see
A cat that sheds as much as thee.

Thy fur that sticks is all around
On chairs, on mats in little mounds.

I sweep the floor,
You shed some more.

I wash the rug
And you just shrug.

You should give thanks I tolerate that
Or you would be a crew-cut cat.


June 21, 2020 - Respect and Position
During the eight years he served as Eisenhower's vice president, Richard Nixon had many reminders of the esteem accorded to people in his position. Once, the Nixons were staying at a hotel in Chicago when a fire alarm went off in the middle of the night. Hundreds of guests, including Dick and Pat Nixon, were herded into the lobby.

Once Nixon realized that it was a false alarm, he and his wife headed for the elevator.

"Just a minute," said the hotel's security chief. "Everyone stays in the lobby until we get the all clear."

"I'm the vice president," Nixon said.

"Oh," the security chief said. "Sorry. Go right ahead."

Nixon pressed the elevator button, and the security chief had second thoughts. "Vice president?" he said. "Of what?"

"Of the United States," Nixon answered.


June 20, 2020 - Restaurant Rating
I was meeting a friend in a restaurant and as I went in, I noticed two pretty girls looking at me.

"Nine," I heard one whisper as I passed.

Feeling pleased with myself, I swaggered over to my buddy and told him a girl had just rated me a nine out of ten.

"I don't want to ruin it for you," he said, "but when I walked in, they were speaking German."


"Get back out here," the security chief said. "I thought you were a vice president of the hotel."


June 19, 2020 - Few Words
Calvin Coolidge, the 30th president of the United States, was popularly known as "Silent Cal." One time at a party, a woman walked up to him and said, "My husband bet me I couldn't get three words out of you."

Coolidge replied, "You lose."


June 18, 2020 - New Librarian
The new librarian decided that instead of checking out children's books by writing the names of borrowers on the book cards herself, she would have the youngsters sign their own names. She would then tell them they were signing a "contract" for returning the books on time.

Her first customer was a 2nd grader, who looked surprised to see a new librarian. He brought four books to the desk and shoved them across to the librarian, giving her his name as was the custom.

The new librarian pushed the books back, smiled, and told him to sign them out. The boy carefully printed his name on each book card and then handed them to her with a look of utter disgust. Before the new librarian could even start her speech he said scornfully, "At least that other librarian we had could write."


June 15, 2020 - Shaving Comeback
I can't say I've ever gotten a shave from a barber, but I've seen others who have. I was in a shop once, and an obviously new barber nicked a customer several times while giving him a shave.

The new barber, in an effort to smooth things over asked solicitously, "Do you want your head wrapped in a hot towel?"

"No thanks." said the customer. "I'll carry it home under my arm."


June 14, 2020 - Introductions
One day while shopping, my chatter bug daughter who was three at the time introduced herself to the lady behind us at the check out.

She proceeded to tell the lady her sister's name and then said and to the lady, "This is my mom. Her name is Mom."


June 13, 2020 - Corporate Change

When the company I worked for had an employee-suggestion competition, I told my staff to submit entries that would save money for the firm.

The winner was a man in my department who suggested we post corporate memos on bulletin boards instead of printing 200 individual copies for distribution. He got a helium balloon with the company logo and one share of stock.

A memo announcing the prize went out to 200 people


June 12, 2020 - Raising Children
If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor!


June 11, 2020 - E-Parenting

Debbie wasn't home, and it was getting awfully late. Not knowing any of her girlfriend's phone numbers, her Mother fired-up Debbie's computer and saw a list of email addresses.

She sent a note to each name asking if they knew where her daughter was.

Within twenty minutes, she got back 16 replies all saying that she wasn't to worry, that Debbie was spending the night at their house and had neglected to telephone.


June 8, 2020 - Animal Characteristics
Some farmers were standing around shooting the breeze one day when the topic came around to animals and their distinguishing traits.

The group agreed that the dog was probably the most loyal animal and the mule was undoubtedly the most stubborn.

Farmer Jones piped in, "You know, I believe probably the friendliest animal in all God's creation is the goose."

The others wanted to know how he arrived at such a conclusion.

"Well," explained Farmer Jones, "I was out standing in my corn the other day, and a whole flock of 'em came by overhead. And, do you know, every single one of 'em honked and waved!"


June 7, 2020 - Connecting Chaos

The fur began to fly when my fellow airline passengers learned there was a chance they might miss their connecting flight out of Aspen. When we finally landed, I found out just how nasty things got.

Over the intercom, a harried flight attendant announced, "Those of you continuing on to L.A. wait outside next to the boarding ramp and we will have a shuttle run you over."


June 6, 2020 - Driver's License Examiners
While discussing the plight of Driver's license examiners, a former motor-vehicle-bureau director told about a woman who was parallel parking.

The examiner asked her, "Could you get a little closer?"

Instead of moving the car, she slid over.


June 5, 2020 - Promises
A little girl asked her father, "Daddy? Do all fairy tales begin with 'Once upon a time'?"

He replied, "No, a whole series of fairy tales begins with 'If elected I promise...'"


June 4, 2020 - Young Love
One night at the dinner table, the wife commented, "When we were first married, you took the small piece of steak and gave me the larger. Now you take the large one and leave me the smaller. You don't love me any more?"

"Nonsense, darling," replied the husband, "you just cook better now."


June 1, 2020 - Human Nature
A burglar who needed money to pay his income taxes decided to rob the safe in a store.

On the safe door he was very pleased to find a note reading, "Please don't use dynamite. The safe is not locked. Just turn the knob."

He did so. Instantly, a heavy sandbag fell on him, the entire premises was floodlighted, and alarms started clanging.

As the police carried him out on a stretcher, he was heard moaning, "My confidence in human nature has been rudely shaken."