Innocence - March 31, 2017
In the maternity ward of a hospital, newborn girl baby looks over at newborn boy baby and asks,
"Are you a girl baby or a boy baby?"
The boy baby quickly chirps up, "I'm a boy baby!"
"How can you tell?" asks girl baby.
"Easy," says boy baby. And, with that, he threw off the blankets, hoisted up his itty-bitty nightshirt and proudly pointed downward. "See.....blue booties!"
Worst Horse Ever - March 30, 2017
A jockey is in the parade ring discussing race tactics with the horse's trainer. The trainer tells the jockey that this is the worst horse he has ever seen. It has had 23 races and finished last in every one of them. If it doesn't win today the milkman will be using it for deliveries in the morning.
The jockey mounts up and takes the horse down to the start.
The race begins and the horse is immediately 10 lengths behind the pack. So the jockey gives the horse a sharp thwap on the shoulder.
He then gives him a series of strikes on the rump.
He then gives him two wallops right on the hindquarters.
The horse comes to a sudden stop, turns to the jockey and says "Give it a rest with that whip, will ya, buddy? I have to be up at four in the morning to deliver milk."
Winning Arguments - March 29, 2017
One day I found Morris, my five-year-old son, with the telephone, which he quickly hung up when he saw me.
"What were you doing?" I asked him.
"Calling Aunt Sarah."
"How could you have called Aunt Sarah?" I asked. "You don't even know her number."
"Yes, I do and I did call her," little Morris replied.
I wasted a lot of breath trying to convince him that he didn't know her number, but he insisted he had made the call.
"Okay," I said finally. "What did she say then, if you called her?"
"She told me I had the wrong number."
Letter of Recommendation - March 28, 2017
When Peters learned that he was being fired after a career of incompetence he went to see the head of human resources.
"Since I've been with the firm for so long," he said, "I think I deserve at least a letter of recommendation."
The human resources director agreed and said he'd have the letter the next day. The following morning, Peters found the letter on his desk.
It read, "Jonathan Peters worked for our company for eleven years. When he left us, we were very satisfied."
Airborne Recruiting - March 27, 2017
After enlisting in the 82nd Airborne Division, I eagerly asked my Recruiter what I could expect from jump school.
"Well," he said, "its three weeks long."
"What else," I asked.
"The first week they separate the men from the boys," he said.
"The second week, they separate the men from the fools."
"And the third week?" I asked.
"The third week, the fools jump."
Things You Would Never Know Without The Movies - March 24, 2017
- It is always possible to park directly outside any building you are visiting.
- A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
- If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.
- Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.
- It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
- When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.
- No one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.
- Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
- When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other. If they're villains, they will probably speak with an English accent.
- You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.
- Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds, unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.
- An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight-year-old child.
- Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment you turn the television on.
Fibs, Truth, Honor - March 23, 2017
Common, Everyday Fibs
* The check is in the mail.
* I'll start my diet tomorrow.
* We service what we sell.
* Give me your number and the doctor will call you right back.
* Money cheerfully refunded.
* One size fits all.
* Your luggage isn't lost, it's only misplaced.
* This hurts me more than it hurts you.
* I just need five minutes of your time.
* Your table will be ready in a few minutes.
* Let's have lunch sometime.
* It's not the money, it's the principle.
Duelling Judges - March 22, 2017
Tyler and Katz, two judges, were each arrested on speeding charges. When they arrived in court on the appointed day, no one was there, so instead of wasting time waiting around they decided to try each other. Motioning Tyler to the stand, Katz said, "How do you plead?"
"That'll be fifty dollars and a warning from the court."
Katz stepped down and the two judges shook hands and changed places. "How do you plead?" asked Tyler.
Tyler reflected for a moment. "These reckless driving cases are becoming all too common of late," he pointed out. "In fact, this is the second such incident in the last quarter hour. That'll be two hundred dollars and ten days in jail."
Last Warning - March 21, 2017
Whenever someone asks me to sign their cast, I always like to write: "Last warning, you have a week to get the rest of the money together."
Advice - March 20, 2017
A young man is reported to have approached the renowned composer Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart (one of the great musical prodigies of all time), and asked, "Herr Mozart, I have the ambition to write symphonies and perhaps you can advise me how to get started."
Mozart said, "The best advice I can give you is to wait until you are older and more experienced, and try your hand at less ambitious pieces to begin with."
The young man looked astonished. "But, Herr Mozart, you yourself wrote symphonies when you were considerably younger than I."
"Ah," said Mozart, "but I did so without asking advice."
Good for Nothing - March 17, 2017
"My dad is a doctor. I can get sick for nothing," bragged one little boy.
"Big deal," said his friend. "My dad is a minister, and I can be good for nothing."
Flat Tire - March 16, 2017
A motorist had a flat tire in front of an insane asylum. He took the wheel off, but when he stood up he tipped over the hubcap containing the bolts, spilling them all down a sewer drain.
A patient, looking through the fence, suggested that the man take one bolt from the remaining three wheels to hold the fourth wheel in place until he could get to a service station.
The motorist thanked him profusely and said, "I don't know why you are in that place."
The patient said, "I'm in here for being crazy, not for being stupid."
Prescription - March 15, 2017
A man goes to the doctor and tells him that he hasn't been feeling well.
The doctor examines him, leaves the room and comes back with three different bottles of pills.
The doctor says, "Take the green pill with a big glass of water when you get up. Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after lunch. Then just before going to bed, take the red pill with another big glass of water."
Startled to be put on so much medicine the man stammers, "Wow doc, exactly what's my problem?"
The doctor says, "You're not drinking enough water."
The Art Of Romance - March 14, 2017
A fellow was very much in love with a beautiful girl. One day she told him that the next day was her birthday. He told her he would send her a bouquet of roses... one for each year of her life.
That evening he called the local florist and ordered twenty-one roses with instructions that they be delivered first thing the next morning.
As the florist was preparing the order, he decided that since the young man was such a good customer, he would put an extra dozen roses in the bouquet.
The fellow never did find out what made the young girl so angry with him.
Best Man - March 13, 2017
A college senior took his new girlfriend to a football game.
The young couple found seats in the crowded stadium and was watching the action. A substitute was put into the game, and as he was running onto the field to take his position, the boy said to his girlfriend, "Take a good look at the fellow. I expect him to be our best man next year."
His girlfriend snuggled closer and said to the surprised young man, "That's the strangest way I ever heard of for a fellow to propose to a girl. Regardless of how you said it, I accept!"
Military Computer Manners - March 10, 2017
The Pentagon recently unveiled its new super computer to the top brass. This fantastic device, capable of making bazillions of decisions in split nanoseconds, is designed to solve all military problems with the greatest of ease.
To test its capabilities, the brass poses a tactical problem to it and then asks for a decision,
"Attack or retreat?"
The computer hums a bit, blinks a myriad of lights and answers, "Yes."
The brass, somewhat confused by this answer, replies, "Yes what?"
The computer instantly replies, "Yes, SIR!"
Patient Confession - March 9, 2017
Farmer Josh killed a pig and hung it up for the night, intending to butcher it in the morning, but the next day it was gone. He didn't tell a soul about it, and nothing happened for more than two months.
Then another farmer, who lived down the road, came by and said, "By the way Josh, did you ever find out who stole your pig?"
"Nope," said Josh. "Not until just now."
Animal Race Stats - March 8, 2017
Some racehorses are staying in a stable.
One of them starts to boast about his track record. "In the last 16 races, I've won 8 of them!"
Another horse breaks in, "Well in the last 27 races, I've won 20!!"
"Oh that's good, but in the last 37 races, I've won 29!" says another, flicking his tail.
At this point, they notice that a greyhound dog has been sitting there listening.
"I don't mean to boast," says the greyhound, "but in my last 91 races, I've won 89!"
The horses are clearly amazed.
"Wow!" says one, after a hushed silence.
"A talking dog."
Riveting Documentary - March 7, 2017
I'm watching a documentary on how they attach those little metal things onto jeans.
Credit Requests - March 6, 2017
An elderly fisherman wrote the following to a catalog company: "Please send me one of those gasoline engines for my boat you show on page 438, and if it's any good, I'll send you a check."
In a short time he received the following reply: "Please send check. If it's any good, we'll send the engine."
Arrest at the Gate - March 3, 2017
St. Peter becomes aware of a man standing outside the Gates of Heaven, pacing up and down.
"Excuse me, can I help you?" he asks.
"No, it's all right. It won't be long" and he distractedly looks at his watch, shrugs and paces on.
St. Peter gives it another 5 minutes and asks again.
The man stops and says, "Look, you know I'm dead. I know I'm dead. Will someone please tell the cardiac arrest team?"
Children's Attempts At Hymns - March 2, 2017
Sometimes kids get things a little......well, maybe these came from kids:
- Give us this day our deli bread!
- Glory be to the Father and to the Son and to the Whole East Coast.
- We shall come to Joyce's, bringing in the cheese.
- Gladly, the consecrated, cross-eyed bear.
- He carrots for you.
- Bringing in the sheets.
- Yield not to Penn Station.
- Dust around the throne.
- Praise God from whom all blessings flow, Praise Him all creatures, HERE WE GO
- While shepherds washed their socks by night
- He socked me and boxed me with His redeeming glove.
Doctor's Advice - March 1, 2017
A young man, fresh out of college, went to see his doctor one day.
"Doc, there's something wrong with me. Every time I stand in a baby's high chair and face southwest, and then touch my tongue to a piece of aluminum foil that's wrapped around an acorn,
I get a strange tingle in my big toe. Can you tell me what the problem is?"
"Sure!" The doctor said. "You have way too much time on your hands!"
Good, Clean Jokes and Funny Stories
Good, Clean Jokes and Funny Stories
While the Bible isn't a joke book, it is obvious that humor played an important role in Hebrew culture. When drought hit Jacob's world he turned to his sons and said, "Why are you staring at one another...Go down [to Egypt] and buy some for us" (Gen 42:1-2). I also hear humor in some of Jesus' remarks, like when He renamed James and John the "sons of thunder" or when He said the Pharisees where like whitewashed tombs, full of dead men's bones (Matt 23). I think we need the picture of Jesus laughing and enjoying people. In fact, while Jesus indeed had many hard things to say, He was also full of emotion, joy and celebration. Even as He rebuked the Pharisees, we see a glimpse of His demeanor in ministry when He scolded them saying, "We played the flute for you, but you would not dance" (Matt 11). There was something very non-religious in Jesus that laughter, celebration and humor is part of. Hopefully, these jokes, stories and quips will help make your day more merry as you walk with the Lord Jesus through this world.
Lumberjack - February 28, 2017
A man comes up to the owner of a lumberjack business and says, "I need a job and I think I'm pretty good."
The owner replied, "Okay, show me what you can do, chop down that redwood over there." The man said okay and left. Five minutes later he came back and was done.
The owner was shocked and asked, "How did you chop that tree down so fast?"
The man said, "I got a lot of practice in the Sahara."
The owner replied, "You mean the Sahara desert?"
"Yes" he said, "or at least that's what they call it now."
Rabbi Retirement - February 27, 2017
An elderly rabbi, having just retired from his duties in the congregation, finally decided to fulfill his lifelong fantasy to taste pork.
He went to a hotel in the Catskills in the off-season, entered the empty dining hall and sat down at a table in the far corner. The waiter arrived, and the rabbi ordered roast suckling pig.
As the rabbi was waiting, struggling with his conscience, a family from his congregation walked in! They immediately saw the rabbi and, since no one should eat alone, they joined him. Shocked, the rabbi began to sweat.
Eventually, the waiter arrived with a huge domed platter. He lifted the lid to reveal nothing else but roast suckling pig.
"This place is amazing!" cries the rabbi. "You order a baked apple, and look what you get!"
Impressions - February 24, 2017
One day, at the dry-cleaning shop of a local air force base, I overheard a young airman describe in great detail how he wanted his uniform cleaned and pressed.
When he finished, the counter clerk asked, "Are you getting an award, or do you have an important military function to attend?"
"Nothing like that," the airman said. "I'm going home on leave, and my little brother is taking me to his second-grade class for show-and-tell."
Lock Jaw - February 23, 2017
In one small rural town the sheriff also fulfilled the role of the town's veterinarian.
One night the phone rang, and his wife answered.
An agitated voice inquired, "Is your husband there?"
"He is, but tell me, do you need him as the sheriff or the vet?" the wife asked.
"Both!" was the reply.
"We can't get our dog's mouth open, and there's a burglar in it."
Politically Correct Cat Terms - February 22, 2017
Politically correct terms for cat owners:
- My cat does not barf hairballs, he is a floor/rug re-decorator.
- My cat does not break things, she helps gravity do its job.
- My cat does not fear dogs, they are merely sprint practice tools.
- My cat does not gobble, she eats with alacrity.
- My cat does not scratch, he is a furniture/rug/skin ventilator.
- My cat is not a "shedding machine," she is a hair relocation stylist.
- My cat is not a "treat-seeking missile," she enjoys the proximity of food.
- My cat is not a chatterbox, she is advising me on what to do next.
- My cat is not a dope addict, she is catnip appreciative.
- My cat is not a ruthless hunter, she is a wildlife control expert.
- My cat is not evil, she is badness enhanced.
- My cat is not fat, he is mass enhanced.
- My cat is not hydrophobic, she has an inability to appreciate moisture.
- My cat is not underfoot, she is shepherding me to my next destination
(which should always be the food dish).
Name Need - February 21, 2017
To prepare for my daughter's First Communion, I called the church in the town where we used to live to get a copy of her baptismal certificate. We lived there for only a short while, so I didn't know the priest there well.
When the secretary asked me the name of the father, I told her that I couldn't remember.
After a brief silence, she chuckled and said, "Ma'am, I'm talking about the name of the baby's father."
Car 34 - February 20, 2017
A young man is an avid listener to the city's police frequency, and he leaves the scanner on all the time.
One morning while making his bed, he heard the dispatcher say,
"Car 34, there is a five-foot boa constrictor in someone's front yard. The resident wants a police officer to come and remove it."
There was a long pause, then some static.
Slowly, a voice said, "We can't get the car started."
Coveting - February 17, 2017
While walking through a parking lot, I tripped and fell flat on my face. As I was lying there, a woman stopped her car and called out, "Are you hurt?"
"No, I'm fine," I said.
"Oh, good," she continued. "Will you be vacating your parking space now?"
Helping Daddy - February 16, 2017
One day a young boy ran crying to his mother and rubbing his behind.
His mother said, "Bobby, why are you crying?"
"Because daddy hit his thumb with the hammer!" little Bobby wailed.
"Why, that's not something to cry over," his mother told him. "That should make you laugh."
Bobby rubbed his behind and said tearfully, "I DID laugh!"
The New Alphabet for Older People - February 15, 2017
A is for arthritis
B is for bad back
C is for the chest pains. Corned beef? Cardiac?
D is for dental decay and decline
E is for eyesight--can't read that top line
F is for fissures and fluid retention
G is for gas (which I'd rather not mention)
And other gastrointestinal glitches
H is high blood pressure
I is for itches
J is for joints that are failing to flex
L for libido--what happened to sex?
Wait! I forgot about K for bad knees
(I've got a few gaps in my M-memory)
N is for nerve (pinched) and neck (stiff) and neurosis
O is for osteo-
P is for porosis
Q is for queasiness. Fatal? Just flu?
R is for reflux--one meal becomes two
S is for sleepless nights counting my fears
T is for tinnitus--bells in my ears
U is for difficulties urinary
V is for vertigo
W is worry
About what the X--as in X-ray--will find
But though the word "terminal" rushes to mind,
I'm proud, as each
Y - year - goes by, to reveal
A reservoir of undiminished
Z - zeal---
For checking the symptoms my body's deployed,
And keeping my twenty-six doctors employed.
Dog Tricks - February 14, 2017
*Mind Games You Can Play with Your Humans*
1. After your humans give you a bath, DON'T LET THEM TOWEL DRY YOU! Instead, run to their bed, jump up and dry yourself off on the sheets. This is especially good if it's right before your humans bedtime.
2. Act like a convicted criminal. When the humans come home, put your ears back, tail between your legs, chin down and act as if you have done something really bad. Then, watch as the humans frantically search the house for the damage they think you have caused. (Note: This only works when you have done absolutely nothing wrong.)
3. Let the humans teach you a brand new trick. Learn it perfectly. Then when the humans try to demonstrate it to someone else, stare blankly back at the humans. Pretend you have no idea what they're talking about.
4. Make your humans be patient. When you go outside to go 'pee,' sniff around the entire yard as your humans wait. Act as if the spot you choose to go pee will ultimately decide the fate of the earth.
5. Draw attention to the human. When out for a walk always pick the busiest, most visible spot to go 'poo.' Take your time and make sure everyone watches. This works particularly well if your humans have forgotten to bring a plastic bag.
6. When out for a walk, alternate between choking and coughing every time a strange human walks by.
7. Make your own rules. Don't always bring back the stick when playing fetch with the humans. Make them go and chase it once in a while.
8. Hide from your humans. When your humans come home, don't greet them at the door. Instead, hide from them, and make them think something terrible has happened to you. (Don't reappear until one of your humans is panic-stricken and close to tears.)
9. When your human calls you to come back in, always take your time. Walk as slowly as possible back to the door.
10. Wake up twenty minutes before the alarm clock is set to go off and make the humans take you out for your morning pee. As soon as you get back inside, fall asleep. (Humans can rarely fall back asleep after going outside, this will drive them nuts!)
Baby Prescription - February 13 2017
A woman brought her baby in to see the doctor, and he determined right away the baby had an earache.
He wrote a prescription for ear drops. In the directions he wrote, "Put two drops in right ear every four hours" and he abbreviated "right" as an R with a circle around it.
Several days passed, and the woman returned with her baby, complaining that the baby still had an earache, and his little behind was getting really greasy with all those drops of oil.
The doctor looked at the bottle of eardrops and sure enough, the pharmacist had typed the following instructions on the label:
"Put two drops in R ear every four hours."
Noises Under The Floor - February 10, 2017
Our bathroom is in the back of the house and it's difficult to hear if someone is on the property to conduct inspections, maintenance or even to visit.
One morning while getting ready for work, and thinking I was the only one at home, I kept hearing something crawl around under my bathroom floor. Thinking that somehow the neighbor's cat had gotten under the house, I began stomping the floor hard and shouting at the top of my lungs, "Get out of there!" and "Stop that!"
Finally, the moving stopped so I finished getting ready and left for work.
When I returned home that evening, I found a note that the exterminators had been there for their annual inspection. I turned to my husband and said, "Honey, do the exterminators crawl around under the house?"
He said, "Sure, why?"
That's when I burst out laughing. It took me several minutes to tell my husband what I had done.
He cracked up at the thought of me standing in the bathroom stomping and shouting.
Between laughs, he said, "It's a good thing he didn't answer you back or you may have keeled over dead!"
Please And Thank You - February 9, 2017
While on maternity leave, a woman from our office brought in her new bundle of joy.
She also had her seven-year-old son with her.
Everyone gathered around the baby, and the little boy asked, "Mommy, can I have some money to buy a soda?"
"What do you say?" she asked.
Respectfully, the boy replied, "You're thin and beautiful."
The woman reached in her purse and gave her son the money.
Philosophy - February 8, 2017
A friend of mine was a philosophy major during his first semester in college. One day in class, they spent a great deal of time debating whether the glass was half full or half empty.
After the class, my friend was feeling pretty good about himself and what he was learning at university, so when he went home, he tried to continue the discussion with his family.
With maximum drama, he took a 12-ounce glass from the cupboard and poured in 6 ounces of water. Then took it into the dining room and placed it in the middle of the table.
He proudly asked his family, "Can anyone tell me whether this glass is half full or half empty?"
Without missing a beat, his grandmother replied, "Depends if you're drinking or pouring."
Happy Shoes - February 7, 2017
A guy walks into a shoe store and asks for a pair of shoes, size 8. The obviously well-trained salesman says, "But sir, you take an 11 or eleven-and-a-half."
"Just bring me a size eight and I'll explain!" the man replies.
The sales guy brings them and the man stuffs his feet into them and stands up in obvious pain.
He turns to the salesman and says, "I've lost my house to the I.R.S., I live with my mother-in-law, my wife ran off with my best friend and my business has filed Chapter 7.
The only pleasure I have left is to come home at night and take my shoes off."
Wait Watching - February 6, 2017
Having lost weight over the past few years, a lady was discarding things from her wardrobe that no longer fit.
Her seven-year-old niece was watching as she held up a huge pair of capris.
"Wow," the lady said, "I must have worn these when I was 183."
Her niece looked puzzled, then asked, "How old are you now?"
Comfort - February 3, 2017
When the power failed at the elementary school, the cook couldn't serve a hot meal in the cafeteria, so at the last minute she whipped up great stacks of peanut-butter-and-jelly sandwiches.
As one little boy filled his plate, he said, "It's about time. At last - a home-cooked meal!"
Engaged Seniors - February 2, 2017
Jacob age 85, and Rebecca age 79 were all excited about their decision to get married. They went for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way home they passed a drugstore. Jacob suggested that they go in.
Doing so, he addressed the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"
The pharmacist answered: "Yes."
Jacob: "Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course we do."
Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds."
Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?"
Jacob: "Medicine for memory?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety."
Jacob: "What about vitamins and sleeping pills?"
Jacob: "What about sugar diabetes. We both got bad cases."
Pharmacist: "Oh, but of course. You name it with that condition and we have the works."
Jacob: "You have loose bladder and gas pills?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, there are lots of those with plenty of generics."
Jacob: "Perfect! We'd like to register here for our wedding gifts."
Alligator Teeth - February 1, 2017
A tourist was admiring the necklace worn by a local Indian.
"What is it made of?" she asked.
"Alligator's teeth," the Indian replied.
"I suppose," she said patronizingly, "that they mean as much to you as pearls do to us."
"Oh no," he objected.
"Anybody can open an oyster."