Good, Clean Jokes and Funny Stories


Good, Clean Jokes and Funny Stories


While the Bible isn't a joke book, it is obvious that humor played an important role in Hebrew culture. When drought hit Jacob's world he turned to his sons and said, "Why are you staring at one another...Go down [to Egypt] and buy some for us" (Gen 42:1-2). I also hear humor in some of Jesus' remarks, like when He renamed James and John the "sons of thunder" or when He said the Pharisees where like whitewashed tombs, full of dead men's bones (Matt 23). I think we need the picture of Jesus laughing and enjoying people. In fact, while Jesus indeed had many hard things to say, He was also full of emotion, joy and celebration. Even as He rebuked the Pharisees, we see a glimpse of His demeanor in ministry when He scolded them saying, "We played the flute for you, but you would not dance" (Matt 11). There was something very non-religious in Jesus that laughter, celebration and humor is part of. Hopefully, these jokes, stories and quips will help make your day more merry as you walk with the Lord Jesus through this world.

Francis

January 2019

January 31, 2019 - Exam Assistance
In the examination paper, the professor wanted us to sign a form stating that we had not received any outside assistance. Unsure of whether he should sign the form, a student stated that he had prayed for the assistance of God.

The professor carefully studied the answer script and then said, "You can sign it with a clear conscience. God did not assist you."


January 28, 2019 - Blackmail
Little Johnnie desperately wanted a bright red wagon for Christmas.

His friends were writing letters to Santa Claus, but Johnnie decided to go one better.

"Dear Jesus," he wrote. "If I get a red wagon for Christmas, I won't fight with my brother Hank for a year." Then Johnnie thought, Oh, no, Hank is such a brat, I could never, ever keep that promise. So Johnnie threw away the letter and started again.

"Dear Jesus, if I get a red wagon for Christmas, I will eat all my vegetables for a year." Then Johnnie thought, Oh, no, that means spinach, broccoli and asparagus. Yuck! I could never ever keep that promise.

Suddenly Johnnie had an idea. He went downstairs to the living room. From the mantel above the fireplace, he grabbed the family's statue of the Virgin Mary. Taking the statue to the kitchen he wrapped it in newspapers and stuffed it into a grocery bag. He took the bag upstairs to his room, opened the closet and placed the package in the farthest, darkest corner.

He then closed the closet door, took a new sheet of paper and wrote, "Dear Jesus, if you ever want to see your mother again..."


January 27, 2019 - From a 3-year-old
"Our Father, Who does art in heaven, Harold is His name. Amen."


January 26, 2019 - Cost of a Sermon
One beautiful Sunday morning, a priest announced to his congregation: "My good people, I have here in my hands three sermons...a $100 sermon that lasts five minutes, a $50 sermon that lasts fifteen minutes, and a $10 sermon that lasts a full hour.

"Now, we'll take the collection and see which one I'll deliver."


January 25, 2019 - A Special Find
A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, and looked at the old pages as he turned them.

Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible, and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed in between the pages.

"Momma, look what I found," the boy called out.

"What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked.

With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered: "I think it's Adam's suit!"


January 24, 2019 - The Helper
A pastor is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach.

After watching the boys efforts for some time, the pastor moves closer to the boy's position. He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a solid ring.

Crouching down to the child's level, the pastor smiles benevolently and asks, "And now what, my little man?" To which the boy replies, "Now we run!"


January 21, 2019 - Visiting Pastor

A pastor went out one Saturday to visit his church members. At one house, it was obvious that someone was home, but nobody came to the door even though the preacher knocked several times. Finally, the preacher took out his card, wrote out "Revelation 3:20" on the back of it, and stuck it in the door.

Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and dine with him, and he with me. - Revelation 3:20

The next day, the card turned up in the collection plate. Below the preacher's message was written the following notation:
I heard your voice in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked; and I hid myself. - Genesis 3:10


January 20, 2019 - Sermon

A pastor, known for his lengthy sermons, noticed a man get up and leave during the middle of his message. The man returned just before the conclusion of the service. Afterwards the pastor asked the man where he had gone.

"I went to get a haircut," was the reply.

"But," said the pastor, "why didn't you do that before the service?"

"Because," the gentleman said, "I didn't need one then."


January 19, 2019 - Where is God
Two brothers are terrible trouble makers. They are always breaking things, stealing things, lying, and making all kinds of general trouble. The parents have tried everything to get the boys to change, to no avail. Finally, out of options, they ask their pastor if he can help. He says he will talk to the boys, but only one at a time. The parents drop off the youngest and go home, promising to return to get him soon. The boy sits in a chair across from the pastor's desk and they just look at each other.

Finally, the Pastor says, "Where is God?"

The boy just sits there and doesn't answer.

The pastor begins to look stern and loudly says, "Where is God?"

The little boy shifts in his seat, but still doesn't answer.

The pastor is starting to get angry at the boy's refusal to converse and practically shouts "Where is God?"

To the pastor's surprise, the little boy jumps up out of his chair and runs out of the office.

The boy leaves the church and runs all the way home, up the stairs and into his brother's room. He shuts the door and pants, "We're in BIG TROUBLE. God's missing and they think we did it!"


January 18, 2019 - Preaching
The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike, and as he preached, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike cord as he went.

Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord and nearly tripping before jerking it again.

After several circles and jerks, a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother and whispered, "If he gets loose, will he hurt us?"


January 17, 2019 - Prospecting for the Lord
On a sunny Sunday afternoon, two young church members were going door to door to invite people to visit their services. When they knocked on one door, it was immediately clear the woman who answered was not happy to see them.

She told them in no uncertain terms that she did not want to hear their message, and before they could say anything more, she slammed the door in their faces.

To her surprise, however, the door did not close; in fact, it bounced back open. She tried again, really putting her back into it, and slammed it again with the same result - the door bounced back open.

Convinced these rude young people were sticking their foot in her door, she reared back to give it a slam that would teach them a lesson. Just then, one of them said quietly: "Ma'am, before you do that again, you really need to move your cat."


January 14, 2019 - Unwanted Visitor
A man, down on his luck, went into a church which catered to the "uppity". Spotting the man's dirty clothes a deacon, worried about the churches image, went to the man and asked him if he needed help. The man said, "I was praying and the Lord told me to come to this church."

The deacon suggested that the man go pray some more and possibly he might get a different answer. The next Sunday the man returned. The deacon asked, "Did you get a different answer?"

The man replied, "Yes I did. I told the Lord that they don't want me in that church and the Lord said, 'Don't worry about it son; I've been trying to get into that church for years and haven't made it yet."


January 13, 2019 - Group Picture
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

'Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, 'And there's the teacher, she's dead.'


January 12, 2019 - God is Watching
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, 'Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.'

'Yes,' the class said.

'Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?'

A little fellow shouted,'Cause your feet ain't empty.'

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:

'Take only ONE . God is watching.'

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was alarge pile of chocolate chip cookies.

A child had written a note, 'Take all you want. God is watching the apples.'


January 11, 2019 - Which Way to Heaven?
Reverend Billy Graham tells of a time early in his ministry when he arrived in a small town to preach a sermon. Wanting to mail a letter, he asked a young boy where the post office was. When the boy had told him, Dr. Graham thanked him and said, "If you'll come to the Baptist Church this evening, you can hear me telling everyone how to get to heaven."

The boy replied, "I don't think I'll be there... You don't even know your way to the post office."


January 10, 2019 - Lesson in Lying
A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17."
The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up. The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."


January 7, 2019 - Dog's Friends
The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail and not his tongue.


January 6, 2019 - Whales
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human;it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah'.

The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell?'

The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him'.


January 5, 2019 -  A Picture of God
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.

As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied, 'I'm drawing God.'

The teacher paused and said, 'But no one knows what God looks like.'

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, 'They will in a minute.'


January 4, 2019 - Commandments
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.

After explaining the commandment to 'honour'thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, 'Is there a commandment that teaches  us how to treat our brothers and sisters?'

From the back,  one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, 'Thou shall not kill.'


January 3, 2019 - Hair Color
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.

She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, 'Why are some of your hairs white, Mum?'

Her mother replied, 'Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.'

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, 'Mummy, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?'

December 2018

December 31, 2018 - Moth or Man
A man walked into the doctor’s office.  The doctor asks him, “How can I help you today?”  The man answers, “Well doc, I have a problem.  You see...I think I’m a moth.”  The doctor replied, “I’m not sure I can help you sir.  I’m only a general practitioner.  Have you thought about seeing a psychiatrist?”  The man answers, “Actually, I on my way there, but I was walking by and saw your light on.”


December 30, 2018 - Complaining Husband - a poetic note
He didn't like the casserole
And he didn't like my cake.
My biscuits were too hard...
Not like his mother used to make.

I didn't perk the coffee right
He didn't like the stew,
I didn't mend his socks
The way his mother used to do.

I pondered for an answer
As I was looking for a clue.
Then I turned around and smacked him...
Like his Mother used to do.


December 29, 2018 - Information and Doctors
A sweet grandmother telephoned the local Hospital. She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"

The operator said, "I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number?"

The grandmother in her weak tremulous voice said, "Holly Finkel in room 302."

The operator replied, "Let me check. Oh, good news. Her records say that Holly is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged on Tuesday."

The Grandmother said, "Thank you. Oooooh That's wonderful! I was so worried! God bless you for the good news."

The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Holly your daughter?"

"No, I'm Holly Finkel in room 302.....and that Dr. Cohen doesn't tell me anything!"


December 28, 2018 - Computer Replacement
Important Memo from Headquarters - Computer Replacement
Corporate has determined that there is no longer any need for network or software applications support.

The goal is to remove all computers from the office by the end of the month. Instead, everyone will be provided with an Etch-A-Sketch. Here are the main advantages:

1. Simpler controls
2. No technical glitches (i.e. crashes)
3. Better time management due to upgraded Technical Support (see below)


December 27, 2018 - Etch-A-Sketch Technical Support:

Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little lines all over the screen.
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: What's the shortcut for Undo?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I create a New Document window?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I set the background and foreground to the same color?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: What is the proper procedure for re-booting my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch document?
A: Don't shake it.


December 24, 2018 - The Philistine and the Tailpipe
A Philistine was driving home after a game and got caught in a really bad hailstorm.  His car was covered with dents, so the next day he took it to a repair shop. The shop owner saw that he was a Philistine, so he decided to have some fun. He told him just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out.

So, the Philistine went home, got down on his hands and knees and started blowing into the tailpipe.  Nothing happened.  So he blew a little harder, and still nothing happened.

His roommate, another Philistine, came home and said, "What are you doing?"

The first Philistine told him how the repairman had instructed him to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out. The roommate rolled his eyes and said, "Hellooo!  You need to roll up the windows first."


December 23, 2018 - A Few of Life’s Unanswered Questions - Part 1
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darken our skin?
Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
Why is a boxing ring square?
Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?
Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why is it that rain drops but snow falls?
Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor and dish washing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why is the word dictionary in the dictionary?
Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance that little indestructible black box is?
Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?


December 22, 2018 - The Resourceful Nun
A young nun who worked for a local home health care agency was out making her rounds when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it there was a gas station just one block away. She walked to the station to borrow a can with enough gas to start the car and drive to the station for a fill up. The attendant regretfully told her that the only gas can he owned had just been loaned out, but if she would care to wait he was sure it would be back shortly. Since the nun was on the way to see a patient she decided not to wait and walked back to her car.

After looking through her car for something to carry to the station to fill with gas, she spotted a bedpan she was taking to the patient.

Always resourceful, she carried it to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried it back to her car.

As she was pouring the gas into the tank of her car two men watched her from across the street. One of them turned to the other and said:

"I know that it is said that Jesus turned Water into Wine, but if that car starts, I'll become a Catholic for the rest of my life!"

December 21, 2018 - Concrete
Some minds are like concrete thoroughly mixed up and permanently set.


December 20, 2018 - Need a Better Pastor
If the church wants a better pastor, it only needs to pray for the one it has.


December 17, 2018 - Perfect Church
Quit griping about your church; if it was perfect, you couldn't belong.


December 16 - 2018 - Opportunity
Opportunity may knock once, but temptation bangs on your front door forever.


December 15, 2018 - At Your Wit's End
When you get to your wit's end, you'll find God lives there.


December 14, 2018 - Purpose
The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but mosquitoes come close.

December 13, 2018 - And More What is a Grandparent?
They know we should have snack time before bed time, and they say prayers with us and kiss us even when we've acted bad.

A 6-year old was asked where his grandma lived. “Oh”, he said, “she lives at the airport, ad when we want her, we just go get her. Then we’re done having her visit, we take her back to the airport.”

Grandpa is the smartest man on earth! He teaches me good things, but I don’t get to see him enough to get as smart as him!

It's funny when they bend over; you hear gas leaks, and they blame their dog.

When they read to us, they don't skip. They don't mind if we ask for the same story over again.

Everybody should try to have a grandmother, especially if you don't have television because they are the only grownups who like to spend time with us.

December 10, 2018 - More What is a Grandparent?
They show us and talk to us about the colors of the flowers and also why we shouldn't step on 'cracks.'

They don't say, 'Hurry up.'

Usually grandmothers are fat but not too fat to tie your shoes.

They wear glasses and funny underwear.

They can take their teeth and gums out.

Grandparents don't have to be smart.

They have to answer questions like 'Why isn't God married?' and 'How come dogs chase cats?'

December 9, 2018 - What is a Grandparent?
Grandparents are a lady and a man who have no little children of their own. They like other people's.

A grandfather is a man and a grandmother is a lady!

Grandparents don't have to do anything except be there when we come to see them. They are so old they shouldn't play hard or run. It is good if they drive us to the shops and give us money.

When they take us for walks, they slow down past things like pretty leaves and caterpillars.

December 8, 2018 - Children's Logic

'Give me a sentence about a public servant,' said a teacher.  The small boy wrote: 'The fireman came down the ladder pregnant.'  The teacher took the lad aside to correct him.  'Don't you know what pregnant means?' she asked.  'Sure,' said the young boy confidently. 'It means carrying a child.'


December 7, 2018 -Slow Down Therapy - 2
- Once in a while, turn down the lights, the volume, the throttle, the invitations. Less really can be more.

- Let go. Nothing is usually the hardest thing to do - but often it is the best.

- Take a walk - but don't go anywhere. If you walk just to get somewhere, you sacrifice the walking.

- Count your friends. If you have one, you are lucky. If you have more, you are blessed. Bless them in return.

- Count your blessings - one at a time and slowly.

December 6, 2018 - Slow Down Therapy - 1
- Take a day off alone; make a retreat. You can learn from monks and hermits without becoming one.

- Pet a furry friend. You will give and get the gift of now.

- Work with your hands. It frees the mind.

- Take time to wonder. Without wonder, life is merely existence.

- Sit in the dark. It will teach you to see and hear, taste and smell.

December 3, 2018 - Stress
Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.


December 2, 2018 - Five things you don't want to hear from Tech Support:
1. "Duuuuuude! Bummer!"
2. "In layman's terms, we call that the Hindenburg Effect."
3. "Your problem can be fixed, but you're going to need a butter knife, a roll of duct tape and a car battery."
4. "Press 1 for Support. Press 2 if you're with ‘60 minutes.' Press 3 if you're with the FTC."
5. "Hold on a second, please ... Mom! Timmy's hitting me!"


December 1, 2018 - Confidence
Confidence is what you feel before you comprehend the situation.