Good, Clean Jokes and Funny Stories


Good, Clean Jokes and Funny Stories


While the Bible isn't a joke book, it is obvious that humor played an important role in Hebrew culture. When drought hit Jacob's world he turned to his sons and said, "Why are you staring at one another...Go down [to Egypt] and buy some for us" (Gen 42:1-2). I also hear humor in some of Jesus' remarks, like when He renamed James and John the "sons of thunder" or when He said the Pharisees where like whitewashed tombs, full of dead men's bones (Matt 23). I think we need the picture of Jesus laughing and enjoying people. In fact, while Jesus indeed had many hard things to say, He was also full of emotion, joy and celebration. Even as He rebuked the Pharisees, we see a glimpse of His demeanor in ministry when He scolded them saying, "We played the flute for you, but you would not dance" (Matt 11). There was something very non-religious in Jesus that laughter, celebration and humor is part of. Hopefully, these jokes, stories and quips will help make your day more merry as you walk with the Lord Jesus through this world.

Francis

February 2017


Lumberjack - February 28, 2017
A man comes up to the owner of a lumberjack business and says, "I need a job and I think I'm pretty good."

The owner replied, "Okay, show me what you can do, chop down that redwood over there." The man said okay and left. Five minutes later he came back and was done.

The owner was shocked and asked, "How did you chop that tree down so fast?"

The man said, "I got a lot of practice in the Sahara."

The owner replied, "You mean the Sahara desert?"

"Yes" he said, "or at least that's what they call it now."


Rabbi Retirement - February 27, 2017
An elderly rabbi, having just retired from his duties in the congregation, finally decided to fulfill his lifelong fantasy to taste pork.

He went to a hotel in the Catskills in the off-season, entered the empty dining hall and sat down at a table in the far corner.  The waiter arrived, and the rabbi ordered roast suckling pig.

As the rabbi was waiting, struggling with his conscience, a family from his congregation walked in!  They immediately saw the rabbi and, since no one should eat alone, they joined him.  Shocked, the rabbi began to sweat.

Eventually, the waiter arrived with a huge domed platter.  He lifted the lid to reveal nothing else but roast suckling pig.

"This place is amazing!" cries the rabbi.  "You order a baked apple, and look what you get!"


Impressions - February 24, 2017
One day, at the dry-cleaning shop of a local air force base, I overheard a young airman describe in great detail how he wanted his uniform cleaned and pressed.

When he finished, the counter clerk asked, "Are you getting an award, or do you have an important military function to attend?"

"Nothing like that," the airman said. "I'm going home on leave, and my little brother is taking me to his second-grade class for show-and-tell."


Lock Jaw - February 23, 2017
In one small rural town the sheriff also fulfilled the role of the town's veterinarian.

One night the phone rang, and his wife answered.

An agitated voice inquired, "Is your husband there?"

"He is, but tell me, do you need him as the sheriff or the vet?" the wife asked.

"Both!" was the reply.

"We can't get our dog's mouth open, and there's a burglar in it."


Politically Correct Cat Terms - February 22, 2017
Politically correct terms for cat owners:
- My cat does not barf hairballs, he is a floor/rug re-decorator.
- My cat does not break things, she helps gravity do its job.
- My cat does not fear dogs, they are merely sprint practice tools.
- My cat does not gobble, she eats with alacrity.
- My cat does not scratch, he is a furniture/rug/skin ventilator.
- My cat is not a "shedding machine," she is a hair relocation stylist.
- My cat is not a "treat-seeking missile," she enjoys the proximity of food.
- My cat is not a chatterbox, she is advising me on what to do next.
- My cat is not a dope addict, she is catnip appreciative.
- My cat is not a ruthless hunter, she is a wildlife control expert.
- My cat is not evil, she is badness enhanced.
- My cat is not fat, he is mass enhanced.
- My cat is not hydrophobic, she has an inability to appreciate moisture.
- My cat is not underfoot, she is shepherding me to my next destination
(which should always be the food dish).


Name Need - February 21, 2017
To prepare for my daughter's First Communion, I called the church in the town where we used to live to get a copy of her baptismal certificate. We lived there for only a short while, so I didn't know the priest there well.
When the secretary asked me the name of the father, I told her that I couldn't remember.
After a brief silence, she chuckled and said, "Ma'am, I'm talking about the name of the baby's father."


Car 34 - February 20, 2017
A young man is an avid listener to the city's police frequency, and he leaves the scanner on all the time.

One morning while making his bed, he heard the dispatcher say,
"Car 34, there is a five-foot boa constrictor in someone's front yard. The resident wants a police officer to come and remove it."

There was a long pause, then some static.

Slowly, a voice said, "We can't get the car started."


Coveting - February 17, 2017
While walking through a parking lot, I tripped and fell flat on my face. As I was lying there, a woman stopped her car and called out, "Are you hurt?"

"No, I'm fine," I said.

"Oh, good," she continued. "Will you be vacating your parking space now?"


Helping Daddy - February 16, 2017
One day a young boy ran crying to his mother and rubbing his behind.

His mother said, "Bobby, why are you crying?"

"Because daddy hit his thumb with the hammer!" little Bobby wailed.

"Why, that's not something to cry over," his mother told him. "That should make you laugh."

Bobby rubbed his behind and said tearfully, "I DID laugh!"


The New Alphabet for Older People - February 15, 2017
A is for arthritis
B is for bad back
C is for the chest pains. Corned beef? Cardiac?
D is for dental decay and decline
E is for eyesight--can't read that top line
F is for fissures and fluid retention
G is for gas (which I'd rather not mention)
   And other gastrointestinal glitches
H is high blood pressure
I is for itches
J is for joints that are failing to flex
L for libido--what happened to sex?
Wait!  I forgot about K for bad knees
(I've got a few gaps in my M-memory)
N is for nerve (pinched) and neck (stiff) and neurosis
O is for osteo-
P is for porosis
Q is for queasiness. Fatal?  Just flu?
R is for reflux--one meal becomes two
S is for sleepless nights counting my fears
T is for tinnitus--bells in my ears
U is for difficulties urinary
V is for vertigo
W is worry
About what the X--as in X-ray--will find
But though the word "terminal" rushes to mind,
I'm proud, as each
Y - year - goes by, to reveal
A reservoir of undiminished
Z - zeal---
For checking the symptoms my body's deployed,
And keeping my twenty-six doctors employed.


Dog Tricks - February 14, 2017
*Mind Games You Can Play with Your Humans*
1. After your humans give you a bath, DON'T LET THEM TOWEL DRY YOU! Instead, run to their bed, jump up and dry yourself off on the sheets. This is especially good if it's right before your humans bedtime.

2. Act like a convicted criminal. When the humans come home, put your ears back, tail between your legs, chin down and act as if you have done something really bad. Then, watch as the humans frantically search the house for the damage they think you have caused. (Note: This only works when you have done absolutely nothing wrong.)

3. Let the humans teach you a brand new trick. Learn it perfectly. Then when the humans try to demonstrate it to someone else, stare blankly back at the humans. Pretend you have no idea what they're talking about.

4. Make your humans be patient. When you go outside to go 'pee,' sniff around the entire yard as your humans wait. Act as if the spot you choose to go pee will ultimately decide the fate of the earth.

5. Draw attention to the human. When out for a walk always pick the busiest, most visible spot to go 'poo.' Take your time and make sure everyone watches. This works particularly well if your humans have forgotten to bring a plastic bag.

6. When out for a walk, alternate between choking and coughing every time a strange human walks by.

7. Make your own rules. Don't always bring back the stick when playing fetch with the humans. Make them go and chase it once in a while.

8. Hide from your humans. When your humans come home, don't greet them at the door. Instead, hide from them, and make them think something terrible has happened to you. (Don't reappear until one of your humans is panic-stricken and close to tears.)

9. When your human calls you to come back in, always take your time. Walk as slowly as possible back to the door.

10. Wake up twenty minutes before the alarm clock is set to go off and make the humans take you out for your morning pee. As soon as you get back inside, fall asleep. (Humans can rarely fall back asleep after going outside, this will drive them nuts!)


Baby Prescription - February 13 2017
A woman brought her baby in to see the doctor, and he determined right away the baby had an earache.

He wrote a prescription for ear drops. In the directions he wrote, "Put two drops in right ear every four hours" and he abbreviated "right" as an R with a circle around it.

Several days passed, and the woman returned with her baby, complaining that the baby still had an earache, and his little behind was getting really greasy with all those drops of oil.

The doctor looked at the bottle of eardrops and sure enough, the pharmacist had typed the following instructions on the label:

"Put two drops in R ear every four hours."


Noises Under The Floor - February 10, 2017
Our bathroom is in the back of the house and it's difficult to hear if someone is on the property to conduct inspections, maintenance or even to visit.

One morning while getting ready for work, and thinking I was the only one at home, I kept hearing something crawl around under my bathroom floor. Thinking that somehow the neighbor's cat had gotten under the house, I began stomping the floor hard and shouting at the top of my lungs, "Get out of there!" and "Stop that!"

Finally, the moving stopped so I finished getting ready and left for work.
When I returned home that evening, I found a note that the exterminators had been there for their annual inspection. I turned to my husband and said, "Honey, do the exterminators crawl around under the house?"

He said, "Sure, why?"

That's when I burst out laughing. It took me several minutes to tell my husband what I had done.

He cracked up at the thought of me standing in the bathroom stomping and shouting.

Between laughs, he said, "It's a good thing he didn't answer you back or you may have keeled over dead!"


Please And Thank You - February 9, 2017
While on maternity leave, a woman from our office brought in her new bundle of joy.

She also had her seven-year-old son with her.

Everyone gathered around the baby, and the little boy asked, "Mommy, can I have some money to buy a soda?"

"What do you say?" she asked.

Respectfully, the boy replied, "You're thin and beautiful."

The woman reached in her purse and gave her son the money.


Philosophy - February 8, 2017
A friend of mine was a philosophy major during his first semester in college. One day in class, they spent a great deal of time debating whether the glass was half full or half empty.

After the class, my friend was feeling pretty good about himself and what he was learning at university, so when he went home, he tried to continue the discussion with his family.

With maximum drama, he took a 12-ounce glass from the cupboard and poured in 6 ounces of water. Then took it into the dining room and placed it in the middle of the table.

He proudly asked his family, "Can anyone tell me whether this glass is half full or half empty?"
Without missing a beat, his grandmother replied, "Depends if you're drinking or pouring."


Happy Shoes - February 7, 2017
A guy walks into a shoe store and asks for a pair of shoes, size 8.  The obviously well-trained salesman says, "But sir, you take an 11 or eleven-and-a-half."

"Just bring me a size eight and I'll explain!" the man replies.
The sales guy brings them and the man stuffs his feet into them and stands up in obvious pain.
He turns to the salesman and says, "I've lost my house to the I.R.S., I live with my mother-in-law, my wife ran off with my best friend and my business has filed Chapter 7.

The only pleasure I have left is to come home at night and take my shoes off."


Wait Watching - February 6, 2017
Having lost weight over the past few years, a lady was discarding things from her wardrobe that no longer fit.

Her seven-year-old niece was watching as she held up a huge pair of capris.

"Wow," the lady said, "I must have worn these when I was 183."

Her niece looked puzzled, then asked, "How old are you now?"


Comfort - February 3, 2017
When the power failed at the elementary school, the cook couldn't serve a hot meal in the cafeteria, so at the last minute she whipped up great stacks of peanut-butter-and-jelly sandwiches.

As one little boy filled his plate, he said, "It's about time. At last - a home-cooked meal!"


Engaged Seniors - February 2, 2017
Jacob age 85, and Rebecca age 79 were all excited about their decision to get married.  They went for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way home they passed a drugstore.  Jacob suggested that they go in.

Doing so, he addressed the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"

The pharmacist answered: "Yes."

Jacob: "Do you sell heart medication?"

Pharmacist: "Of course we do."

Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"

Pharmacist: "All kinds."

Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?"

Pharmacist: "Definitely."

Jacob: "Medicine for memory?"

Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety."

Jacob: "What about vitamins and sleeping pills?"

Pharmacist: "Absolutely."

Jacob: "What about sugar diabetes.  We both got bad cases."

Pharmacist: "Oh, but of course.  You name it with that condition and we have the works."

Jacob: "You have loose bladder and gas pills?"

Pharmacist: "Yes, there are lots of those with plenty of generics."

Jacob: "Perfect! We'd like to register here for our wedding gifts."


Alligator Teeth - February 1, 2017
A tourist was admiring the necklace worn by a local Indian.

"What is it made of?" she asked.

"Alligator's teeth," the Indian replied.

"I suppose," she said patronizingly, "that they mean as much to you as pearls do to us."

"Oh no," he objected.

"Anybody can open an oyster."

January 2017


Security Tips - January 30, 2017
The following are notices that homeowners can place in a few strategic locations to keep burglars away.

Dear Butcher: Starting tomorrow, please leave eight pounds of meat for Brutus. Six pounds only makes him angry and vicious!

Dear Letter Carrier: We found bloodstains all over our mail. They must be yours. The next time you put mail into our mail-slot, please be sure to keep all parts of your body well clear of the openings. PS: Any sign of that book we sent for, "The 
Care and Feeding of Wild Jungle Cats"?

Dear Exterminator: Be very careful when you go inside! The termites have eaten through most of the floorboards and you will fall into the basement where all of the rats are!

To whom it may concern: Some of the items in this house have been engraved with Federal

Identification Numbers. Others have merely been wired to explode when touched. Good luck...

Selma, don't come in! The boa constrictor got loose again.


What Would I Be?
- January 27, 2017
A Sunday school teacher was teaching her class about the difference between right and wrong.

"All right children, let's take another example," she said. "If I were to get into a man's pocket and take his wallet with all his money, what would I be?"

Little Johnny raised his hand, and with a confident smile, he blurts out, "You'd be his wife!"


Wet Clothes - January 26, 2017
Cassie was a really good mom. When her children were growing up, her one son gave her more "stop and count to 10" periods than any of the others.

Once, after her small son fell into the pond and came home with his good school clothes dripping wet, the exasperated Cassie sent him to his room while she washed and dried his clothes.
A little later, Cassie heard a commotion in the back yard. She called out, "Are you out there wetting your pants again!?"

There was dead silence for a moment. Then a deep, masculine voice answered meekly, "No, ma'am, I'm just reading the meter."


Canned Email Warning - January 25, 2017
WARNING!! There is an email going around offering processed pork, gelatin and salt in a can.

If you get this email DO NOT OPEN IT!

It is Spam


Vengeance - January 24, 2017
In the traffic court of a large Midwestern city, a young woman was brought before the judge to answer for a ticket she received for driving through a red light.

She explained to the judge that she was a school teacher and requested an immediate dismissal of her case so she could get to the school on time.

A wild gleam came into the judge's eyes.

"You're a schoolteacher?" he said. "Madam, I shall realize my lifelong ambition. I've waited years to have a schoolteacher in this court.

Now sit down at that table and write 'I will not drive through red lights' 500 times!"


Birthday Heart Attack - January 23, 2017
Realizing at the last minute that it was his father's birthday, a teenage boy rushed to the corner store to grab a card.

He quickly found a son-to-father card but neglected to read it carefully.
Later when his father opened his gifts, he was surprised to read aloud,

"Happy birthday to a wonderful Dad. Now that I'm a father too . . ."


Knowing Your Spouse - January 20, 2017

One of the funniest memories I have of the trials and tribulations of making the journey from childhood to adulthood was our annual summer vacation trek from Chicago to a cabin usually someplace on a lake in Wisconsin or Michigan.

Every year, it seems, we would get on a highway a few miles out of the city, and mom would wail, "Oh my goodness! I think left the iron on." And almost every year we would turn around and go back. But as I recall, not once was it was ever plugged in. 
She often had the same fear that all our earthly possessions would disappear in a fire caused by
her forgetfulness.

When I was about 14 years old, we were headed out of Chicago for Lake Geneva, Wisconsin and, sure enough, Mom gasped, "I just know I left the iron on."

My father didn't say a word, just pulled over onto the shoulder of the road, got out, opened the trunk and handed her the iron.


Time to Pick Up - January 19, 2017
A blind man was describing his favorite sport, parachuting.  When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him: "I am placed in the door and told when to jump.  My hand is placed on my release ring for me, and out I go."

"But how do you know when you are going to land?" he was asked.

"I have a very keen sense of smell and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground" he answered.

"But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?" he was again asked.

The man quickly answered. "Oh, the dog's leash goes slack..."


Phone Calls - January 18, 2017
Caller: I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff, please.
Operator: I'm sorry, there's no such listing. Are you sure you have the spelling correct?
Caller : Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the B fell off.
Caller: I'd like the number of the Scottish knitwear company in Woven.
Operator: I can't find a town called 'Woven'? Are you sure?
Caller: Yes. That's what it says on the label - Woven in Scotland.
Caller: I'd like the RSPCA, please.
Operator: Where are you calling from?
Caller: The living room.
Caller: The water board, please.
Operator: Which department?
Caller: Tap water
Operator: How are you spelling that?
Caller: With letters.
Caller: I'd like the number for a Reverend in Cardiff, please.
Operator: Do you have his name?
Caller: No, but he has a dog named Ben.
Caller: The Union of Shopkeepers and Alligators, please.
Operator: You mean the Amalgamated Union of Shopkeepers?
Caller: Er, yes.


Give Tech Support A Break - January 17, 2017
Our tech company uses satellite communications to send and receive messages from tugboats moving barges up and down major rivers. Each day, by 2pm, the tugboats send data on the day's activities to the company's traffic department.

At least that's how it is supposed to work.

"I got a call from our traffic department saying they only received data from about half the boats, and would I check on it?" the technician Don says.

He calls the satellite company, but the satellite technician there says there's no problem on his end.

Meanwhile, the traffic department calls again - they're still not getting messages from the missing boats.

"So I called the boats and got them to re-send the messages, and they came through," says Don. "The problem apparently cleared itself up."

But he isn't quite satisfied. "I called the satellite company back to see what happened, and what we could do if the problem recurred."

The satellite company's technician didn't know what happened and didn't have any way of finding out. "In order to track the messages, we would need an identification number from the message," he tells us.

"We could find out those numbers eventually," Don figures.

"Also, the identification numbers are recycled every half hour," tech continues.

"So I need to get you the identification number within that time?" Don asks.

"Right," says the satellite tech.

"So to summarize," says our tech Don glumly, "we need to give you the identification numbers of the messages we haven't received, within half an hour of not receiving them?"


Songs For People Over 40
- January 16, 2017
*Top 10 Songs for People Over 40*
10. Let's Get a Physical
9. Ain't No Burrito Mild Enough
8. Johnny B. Olde
7. How Do You Mend a Broken Everything
6. The Lack O' Motion
5. Hair Potion Number Nine
4. Doctor My Eyes (And Ears and Joints and Back and...)
3. To All the Girls I've Disappointed Before
2. A Hard Day's Nap
And the Number One song for people over 40 ...
1. Knock Knock Knockin' on the Bathroom Door


Successful Marriage - January 13, 2017
A couple had been married for 45 years and had raised a brood of 11 children and were blessed with 22 grandchildren.

When asked the secret for staying together all that time, the wife replied, "Many years ago we made a promise to each other: the first one to pack up and leave has to take all the kids."


Mumba Hunt - January 12, 2017
A guy was visiting his friend in the hospital who was "all torn up."

"What happened?" he asked.

"Well, we were hunting the Mumba snake. It has orange and black stripes. It likes to sun itself lying across a pathway in the jungle. You catch it by grabbing the tip of its tail with one hand and quickly running your other hand up the length of its body so you can grab it behind the neck."

"Go on."  the friend said.

"Well, I stealthily sneaked up to the tail laying across the jungle path, grabbed it by the end and rapidly moved my other hand upward, just as the procedure goes."

"So why are you so beaten up?" the friend asked.

"Have you ever 'goosed' a tiger?"


Dressing The Kids - January 11, 2017
The mother of a large family was explaining why she dresses her children alike, right down to the youngest baby.

"When we had just four children, I dressed them alike so we wouldn't lose any of them."

"Now," she added, looking around at her brood of nine, "I dress them alike so we won't pick up any that don't belong to us."


Trying To Manipulate God - January 10, 2017
A businessman who needed millions of dollars to clinch an important deal went to church to pray for the money. By chance, he knelt next to a man who was praying for $100 to pay an urgent debt.

The businessman took out his wallet and pressed $100 into the other man's hand. Overjoyed, the man got up and left the church.

The businessman then closed his eyes and prayed, "And now, Lord, that I have your undivided attention..."

Seconds First - January 9, 2017
A young woman wasn't feeling well and asked one her co-workers to recommend a physician.

"I know a great one in the city, but he is very expensive. Five hundred dollars for the first visit, and one hundred dollars for each one after that."

The woman went to the doctor's office and, trying to save a little money, cheerily announced.
"I'm back!"

Not fooled for a second, the doctor quickly examined her and said, "Very good, just continue the treatment I prescribed on your last visit."


Rounded Boulders - January 6, 2017
Millions of years ago, there was no such thing as the wheel; the only way to move things was by carrying or dragging.  One day, some primitive guys were watching their wives drag a dead mastodon to the food preparation area. It was exhausting work; the guys were getting tired just

Watching
Then they noticed some large, smooth, rounded boulders, and they had an idea: They could sit on the boulders and watch!

This was the first in a series of breakthroughs that ultimately led to television.


Karmel Recipe - January 5, 2017
The Sunday school teacher was carefully explaining the story of Elijah the Prophet and the false prophets of Baal.

She explained how Elijah built the altar, put wood upon it, cut the steer in pieces and laid it upon the altar.

And then Elijah commanded the people of God to fill four barrels of water and pour it over the altar. He had them do this four times.

"Now, said the teacher, "can anyone in the class tell me why the Lord would have Elijah pour water over the steer on the altar?"

A little girl in the back of the room raised her hand with great enthusiasm. "To make the gravy," came her enthusiastic reply.


Hearing Aid - January 4, 2017
While talking with my semi-deaf uncle one evening, I noticed that his "hearing aid" was actually an earphone from a transistor radio. The wire had been cut and was sticking out of his shirt.

"How does that help your hearing?" I asked.

"Don't help my hearing none," he replied. "Makes people talk louder."


Sons-In-Law And Daughters-In-Law - January 3, 2017
Congratulating a friend after her son and daughter got married within a month of each other, a woman asked, "What kind of boy did your daughter marry?"

"Oh, he's wonderful," gushed the mother. "He lets her sleep late, wants her to go to the beauty parlour regularly, and insists 
on taking her out to dinner every night."
"That's sounds lovely," said the woman. "What about your son?"
"I'm not so happy about that," the mother sighed. "His wife sleeps late, spends all her time in the beauty parlour, and makes them eat take-out meals!"


Lumberjack - January 2, 2017
A man comes up to the owner of a lumberjack business and says, "I need a job and I think I'm pretty good."

The owner replied, "Okay, show me what you can do, chop down that redwood over there." The man said okay and left. Five minutes later he came back and was done.

The owner was shocked and asked, "How did you chop that tree down so fast?"

The man said, "I got a lot of practice in the Sahara."

The owner replied, "You mean the Sahara desert?"

"Yes" he said, "or at least that's what they call it now."