Good, Clean Jokes and Funny Stories


Good, Clean Jokes and Funny Stories


While the Bible isn't a joke book, it is obvious that humor played an important role in Hebrew culture. When drought hit Jacob's world he turned to his sons and said, "Why are you staring at one another...Go down [to Egypt] and buy some for us" (Gen 42:1-2). I also hear humor in some of Jesus' remarks, like when He renamed James and John the "sons of thunder" or when He said the Pharisees where like whitewashed tombs, full of dead men's bones (Matt 23). I think we need the picture of Jesus laughing and enjoying people. In fact, while Jesus indeed had many hard things to say, He was also full of emotion, joy and celebration. Even as He rebuked the Pharisees, we see a glimpse of His demeanor in ministry when He scolded them saying, "We played the flute for you, but you would not dance" (Matt 11). There was something very non-religious in Jesus that laughter, celebration and humor is part of. Hopefully, these jokes, stories and quips will help make your day more merry as you walk with the Lord Jesus through this world.

Francis

June 2017


Facts Of Life, Birds And Bees, Children - June 30, 2017
It was 6 p.m., and I was about to leave the coin laundry where I was employed. My boss called me over and asked if I would mind dropping off someone's laundry on my way home.

"It's for my cousin," she apologized, "who's eight months pregnant and can't get out much anymore." I cheerfully agreed and, driving to the address, knocked at the door. A little girl, the sister-to-be, answered.

"Hi, there," I said with a big smile. "Is your mommy home?" Holding up the white bundle of clothes, I explained, "I have a delivery for her."

The child's mouth dropped, and her eyes went wide.

"Mom!" she shrieked. "Come quick! It's the stork!"


Quality Of Life - June 29, 2017
My wife and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

She got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all of my water bottle!


Away From Desk - June 28, 2017
A chap who frequently left the office to play golf instructed his secretary to tell all callers that he was away from his desk.

After he left the office, a member of his foursome forgot which course they were playing that day, and called for information.

The loyal girl would only reply that her boss was away from his desk.

"Just tell me," the golfer persisted, "is he twenty miles away from his desk, or thirty miles?"




Your Cat's New Year's Resolutions - June 27, 2017
My human will never let me eat their pet hamster, and I am at peace with that.

I will not slurp fish food from the surface of the aquarium

I will not eat large numbers of assorted bugs, then come home and throw them up so the humans can see that I'm getting plenty of roughage.

I will not lean way over to drink out of the tub, fall in, and then pelt right for the box of clumping cat litter. (It took FOREVER to get the stuff out of my fur.)

I will not use the bathtub to store live mice for late-night snacks.

We will not play "Herd of Thundering Wildebeests Stampeding Across the Plains of the Serengeti" over any humans' bed while they're trying to sleep.

I cannot leap through closed windows to catch birds outside. If I forget this and bonk my head on the window and fall behind the couch in my attempt, I will not get up and do the same thing again.

I will not assume the patio door is open when I race outside to chase leaves.

I will not stick my paw into any container to see if there is something in it. If I do, I will not hiss and scratch when my human has to shave me to get the rubber cement out of my fur.

If I bite the cactus, it will bite back.

I will not puff my entire body to twice its size for no reason after my human has watched a horror movie.

When it rains, it will be raining on all sides of the house.

It is not necessary to check every door.

I will not play "dead cat on the stairs" while people are trying to bring in groceries or laundry, or else one of these days, it will really come true.

When the humans play darts, I will not leap into the air and attempt to catch them.

I will not swat my human's head repeatedly when they are on the family room floor trying to do sit ups.

When my human is typing at the computer, their forearms are *not* a hammock.

Computer and TV screens do not exist to backlight my lovely tail.

I will not stand on the bathroom counter, stare down the hall, and growl at NOTHING after my human has watched The Walking Dead.

I will not drag dirty socks onto the bed at night and then yell at the top of my lungs so that my humans can admire my "kill."

I will not perch on my human's chest in the middle of the night and stare until they wake up.

I will not walk on the key board when my human is writing important adagfsg gdjag ;ln.


Bus Manners - June 26, 2017
A young mother was riding the bus with her four year old boy when he suddenly blurted out so that everyone in the bus could hear, "Look mom, see that man's nose, it looks soooo funny!"

The mother was quite embarrassed and scolded her son. Then she whispered to him that if there was something he wanted to say about someone then he had to wait until they got home or at least where nobody could hear them, so that nobody would be sad.

A moment later the boy blurted out in the same loud voice, "Look mom, we've got to talk about that big fat lady when we get home!"


Respect, Reverence - June 23, 2017
When I was stationed at Myrtle Beach, S.C., I spent my spare time fishing in the backwaters of the Intracoastal Waterway. Soon I became a guide of sorts for some senior non-commissioned officers.

Once, a chief master sergeant hooked a 20-pound striped bass. After he reeled the fish onto the boat, he slipped the hook out of its mouth and released it back into the water.

He must have noticed the puzzled look on my face.

"Rank does have its privileges. I can't keep a fish that has more stripes than I do," he explained.


Waiting At The Door - June 22, 2017
I was hospitalized for a few days, and my wife reported that my dog really missed me. "She spends the night at the front door, awaiting your return," she said.

"What an example of true love," I replied. "I wonder if you'd be that concerned about me?"

"Honey," my wife answered, "if you were gone overnight, and I didn't know where you were, you can be sure I'd be waiting for you at the front door."


A Dog's Diary - June 21, 2017
5:30am: Started the day as a hero! When the sound of the newspaper hitting the driveway roused me from my deep slumber, and the impact indicated the paper was much heavier than normal, I realized that no one in the house was yet awake! I roused my master by licking him in the face. He appeared very angry with himself for having overslept, shouting and waving his arms. His ill temper even seemed directed at me a bit, which is silly since it is I who saved him from being fired. Funny thing though: he didn't go into work, but spent the morning leafing through the large newspaper and drinking coffee. He seems to do this once a week, and I don't know why.

7:30am: Invaders! The people who live next door came out into their yard, obviously getting ready to lay siege to our house. Snarling and barking, I let them know in no uncertain terms that I was prepared to tear them limb from limb if they came any closer, and was able to repel the invasion. This is an almost daily occurrence; you'd think they'd learn. My master added his voice to the fray as well, yelling angrily. I am sure the people couldn't hear him, but it was nice of him to lend his support.

10:00am: I was forced to move, as the patch of sun in which I was lying had slid over a few feet. It's not easy being a dog.

1:00pm: I have the most thoughtful master in the world! While it's true he left me alone in the house for several hours, he did set out a treat for me on the kitchen counter. It was even gift-wrapped, a courtesy I wish he'd skipped, since it led to me having a lot of plastic in my teeth. The roast was delicious, though frozen in the center. I don't want to seem ungrateful, but crunching through two inches of rock-hard beef is hardly my idea of a delicacy.

2:00pm: Most unpleasant experience when my master returned home and was furious that I had not eaten the plastic wrap which had been covering my present. He kept pointing at the small pieces of styrofoam and other debris, raving in a most irrational fashion. I'm sorry, but he should know that I can't eat that stuff; it makes my stomach upset. When he began rolling up a newspaper I realized he'd lost all reason and bolted for the front door, which was fortunately open just a crack.

4:00pm: Spent the afternoon with the girls. A most productive day; I was able to mark territory for two blocks. "Drip 'til you drop" is our motto. We had a small snack at an outdoor cafe we like, with meat scraps and bread served out of circular containers with easily displaced lids. Ran into that rogue Sebastian, who lifted his leg with irritating nonchalance. Does he think I don't know about his obsession with Muffy, that snotty schnauzer from down the road? Last month there wasn't a male in the neighborhood who couldn't be found outside her fence, and Sebastian was at the head of the pack. I let him know I want nothing more to do with him.

5:00pm: What a treat! On the way home a flock of ravens drew my attention to a squirrel that had been flattened by an automobile. After several days in the sun, the aroma was so delicious it made my nose quiver. I rolled in the wondrous fragrance for several minutes, and when I stood up I positively radiated eau-de-road-kill. Let Sebastian drool over Muffy; he doesn't know what he's missing.

6:00pm: Of all the times to get a bath! My master, still in a foul mood, made me stand outside in the chill air while he shampooed and rinsed me several times. Every time I shook the water from my fur he, too, became drenched, and in the end he was shivering. Why in the world does he do stuff like this?

9:00pm: Time to sleep, though I am not allowed on the bed whenever anyone's home. Ah, the life of a dog.


Food Allergy - June 20, 2017

Because of an ear infection, my young son, Casey, had to go to the pediatrician.

I was impressed with the way the doctor directed his comments and questions to my son.

When he asked Casey, "Is there anything you are allergic to?" Casey nodded and whispered in his ear.

Smiling, the pediatrician wrote out a prescription and handed it to me.

Without looking at it, I tucked it into my purse.

Later, the pharmacist filled the order, remarking on the unusual food-drug interaction my son must have.

When he saw my puzzled expression, he showed me the label on the bottle.

As per the doctor's instructions, it read:

"Do not take with broccoli."


Motel Work Ethic - June 19, 2017

Because of back problems, each night I lie on the floor and do exercises.

Once when we stopped at a motel, as I started my exercise, something under the bed caught my eye.

It was a card, on which was written "Yes, we do clean under here, too."


This Is What It's All About - June 16, 2017
I was addicted to the hokey pokey but I turned myself around.


Good Robbery - June 15, 2017

The detective was interviewing the man whose clothing shop had just been burglarized.

"It's bad," said the proprietor, "but it's not as bad as it could have been if he'd robbed me yesterday."

"Why is that?" the detective asked.

"Because today everything was on sale."


A Brokxn Kxy - June 14, 2017
Evxn though my typxwritxr is an old modxl, it works quitx wxll xxcxpt for onx of the kxys. I havx many timxs wishxd that it workxd pxrfxctly.

It is trux that thxrx arx forty-onx kxys that function wxll xnough, but just onx kxy not working makxs thx diffxrxncx.

Somxtimxs it sxxms to mx that our church is somxthing likx my typxwritxr -- not all thx kxy pxoplx arx working propxrly.

As onx of thxm, you may say to yoursxlf, "Wxll, I am only onx pxrson, I don't makx or brxak thx church."

But it doxs makx a big diffxrxncx, bxcasx a church, to bx xffxctivx, nxxds thx activx participation of xvxry pxrson.

So, thx nxxt timx your xfforts arx not nxxdxd vxry much, rxmxmbxr my typxwritxr and say to yoursxlf, "I am a kxy pxrson in thx congrxgation and I am nxxdxd vxry much."

This is what happxns to thx wholx church, and multiply this by many timxs -- thx whole thing just doxs not makx sxnsx!

So, don't be a broken key - be a useful one.



Top 10 Wrong Ways to Initiate Your Son Into Manhood - June 13, 2017

10. Teach him the secret male ritual of leaving the toilet seat up and the toilet paper roll empty.

9. Have a ceremony where you give him his own remote control.

8. Lead him through an afternoon of rigorous physical training in the back yard while you sit in a lawn chair with a half-gallon of ice cream.

7. Eat until you're about to burst and then ride the Screamin' Hurler roller coaster.

6. Put cream on his face and let the cat shave him with its tongue.

5. Walk behind him through his school halls yelling, "You da man!"

4. Send him to the local discount store to buy mom's "personal things."
3. Give him Grandma's lime green Gremlin with personalized license plates that say, "TUFFGUY."

2. Send the womenfolk shopping, then get out your secret Old Yeller video and have a good cry together.

1. Shot put catching.


Ladies' Tee - June 12, 2017

It was a sunny Saturday morning, and Murray was beginning his pre-shot routine, visualizing his upcoming shot when a voice came over the clubhouse loudspeaker. "Would the gentleman on the Ladies tee back up to the men's tee, please!"

Murray was still deep in his routine, seemingly oblivious to the interruption.

Again the announcement, "Would the MAN on the WOMEN'S tee, kindly back up to the men's tee!"

Murray had had enough. He broke his stance, lowered his driver back to the ground and shouted, "Would the announcer in the clubhouse kindly be quiet and let me play my second shot?"


Dependency On God - June 9, 2017
Prayer of a child:

"Bless my mom and dad ... and dear God, take good care of Yourself.

If anything happens to You, we're sunk."


True Story - June 8, 2017

Dear Pastor Tim, this is a true story.

It was Thanksgiving day and my friend's hall bathroom was not working.

She had another bathroom off the master bedroom so she asked her pre-teen daughter to put a sign on the hall bathroom door and then close it.

Due to all the busyness of preparations for the big event (she has a very large family to prepare for) she never got the opportunity to stop, even to go to the bathroom, until all her guests had left that day.

When she walked down the hall toward her bedroom, she glanced over and saw the sign her young daughter had written on the hall bathroom door.

It read: "Out of odor."


Brotherly Advice - June 7, 2017
Charlie was playing with his little brother Mickey when the little boy asked whether he could fly like Superman.

"Sure you can, Mickey," Charlie said. "Just flap your arms really hard."

So Mickey climbed up on the windowsill, started flapping like mad, jumped, then smashed into the ground just a few inches below.

Horrified, their mother came screaming into the room and said, "What happened?"

Charlie said, "I was just teaching Mickey not to believe everything he's told."


This Little Piggy - June 6, 2017

In a small town, farmers of the community had gotten together to discuss some important issues. About midway through the meeting, a wife of one of the farmers stood up and spoke her piece.

One of the old farmers stood up and said, "What does she know about anything? I would like to ask her if she knows how many toes a pig has?"

Quick as a flash, the woman replied, "Take off your boots sir, and count them yourself!"


Pray Loud - June 5, 2017
Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents.

At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers when the youngest one began praying at the top of his lungs, "I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE. I PRAY FOR A NEW NINTENDO. I PRAY FOR A NEW PVR..."

His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf."

To which the little brother replied, "No, but Grandma is!"


Eyes Of Love - June 2, 2017
My mother's friend joined Weight Watchers, and the other day when she was getting ready to go to the weekly meeting her little grandson asked her where she was going. She said she was going to her fat club.

When she got back home her grandson said, "Well Grandma, are you fat yet?"


Geraniums - June 1, 2017

A man walked into a flower shop and after looking around for several minutes, asked the clerk if there were any potted geraniums he could buy.

"I'm sorry," said the clerk in flower shop,

"We don't have potted geraniums. Could you use African violets instead?"

Replied the customer sadly,

"No, it was geraniums my wife told me to water while she was gone."

May 2017


Chocolate Laughs - May 31, 2017
*Chocolate is derived from cacao beans. Bean = vegetable. Sugar is derived from either sugar CANE or sugar BEETS. Both are plants, which places them in the vegetable category. Thus, chocolate is a vegetable. To go one step further, chocolate candy bars also contain milk, which is dairy. So candy bars are a health food.

*Chocolate-covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.

*If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly.

*The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in a hot car. The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.

*Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your appetite, and you'll eat less.

*If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is that a balanced diet? Don't they actually counteract each other?

*Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger. Therefore, you need to eat more chocolate.

*Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done.

*A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Now, isn't that handy?

*If you can't eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer. But if you can't eat all your chocolate, what's wrong with you?

*If not for chocolate, there would be no need for control top pantyhose. An entire garment industry would be devastated. You can't let that happen, can you?


Empathy - May 30, 2017
A Sunday school teacher was telling her youngsters about Daniel and the Lion's Den. To illustrate the lesson she had a picture of Daniel standing, brave and confident, with a group of lions around him. Suddenly, one little girl started to cry.

The teacher said, "Don't cry. The lions are not going to eat Daniel."

Holding back sobs and tears the girl said, "That's not what I'm crying about. That little lion, over in the corner, isn't going to get anything to eat."


Swindled - May 29, 2017

A newsboy was standing on the corner with a stack of papers, yelling, "Read all about it.  Fifty people swindled! Fifty people swindled!"

Curious, a man walked over, bought a paper, and checked the front page. Finding nothing, the man said, "There's nothing in here about fifty people being swindled."

The newsboy ignored him and went on, calling out, "Read all about it. Fifty-one people swindled!"


Little Voice - May 26, 2017

A man walks into his doctor's office and says,

"Doctor, I've eaten something that disagrees with me."

A voice from the man's stomach says, "No, you haven't."


Subjectivity - May 25, 2017
My daughter was coming home from work late one night, when she came across a huge building fire. As she was stuck in traffic, she thought to herself, "I must be a half a mile away from the fire, and I can feel the heat from here!"

Then she realized, she had the heater on full blast.


Tough Hunting Call - May 24, 2017
A group of friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day.

That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.

"Where's Henry?"

"Henry broke his leg really badly. He's a couple of miles back up the trail."

"You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back!?!"

"A tough call," nodded the hunter, "but I figured no one is going to steal Henry!"


You Know You're In Trouble When ... - May 23, 2017
Your accountant's letter of resignation is postmarked Zurich.

Your suggestion box starts ticking.

You make more than you ever made, owe more than you ever owed, and have less than you've ever had.

The simple instructions enclosed aren't.

People send your wife sympathy cards on your anniversary.

The plumber floats by on your kitchen table.

Your secretary tells you the FBI is on line 1, the District Attorney is on line 2, and CBS is on line 3.


Bovine Delivery - May 22, 2017
What do you call a cow that just gave birth?

De-CALF-inated.


Teacher Parents - May 19, 2017
My wife and I are teachers, and our jobs often spill over into our family life. One morning as our eight-year-old Maggie was getting ready for school, I peeked into her room to be sure she had tidied it up.

"You call THAT a made bed?" I asked.

No Dad," Maggie replied. "It's just a rough draft."


Race Horses In A Stable - May 18, 2017
Some race horses are staying in a stable when one of them starts to boast about his track record: "In the last 15 races, I've won 8 of them!"

Another horse breaks in, "Well in the last 27 races, I've won 19!!"

"Oh that's good, but in the last 36 races, I've won 28!", says another, flicking his tail.

At this point, they notice that a greyhound dog has been sitting there listening. "I don't mean to boast," says the greyhound, "but in my last 90 races, I've won 88 of them!"

The horses are clearly amazed. "Wow!" says one, after a hushed silence. "A talking dog."


End Nail Biting - May 17, 2017
Two elderly women were fussing about their husbands over tea one day.

"I do wish my Leroy would stop biting his nails. That habit really bothers me!" the first one said.

"Oh, my Elmer used to do the same thing," the other woman commented, "but I broke him of that habit real quick."

"What did you do?"

"I hid his teeth!"


Healthy Eating - May 16, 2017
I am going to be healthy if it kills me.


Work Problems - May 15, 2017
The boss ordered one of his men to dig a hole eight feet deep. After the job was completed the boss returned and explained an error had been made and the hole wouldn't be needed.

"Fill 'er up," he ordered.

The worker did as he'd been told. But he ran into a problem. He couldn't get all the dirt packed back into the hole without leaving a mound on top. He went to the office and explained his problem.

The boss snorted, "Honestly! The kind of help you get these days! There's obviously only one thing to do. You'll have to dig that hole deeper!"


Family Secrets - May 12, 2017
The Smith's were proud of their family tradition; their ancestors had come to America on the Mayflower and also included many Senators and Wall Street wizards.

When they decided to compile a family history as a legacy reminder for their children and grandchildren they hired a fine author. Only one problem arose and that was how to handle that great-uncle George, who was executed in the electric chair.

The author said he could handle the story tactfully.

The book appeared. It said "Great-uncle George occupied a chair of applied electronics at an important government institution, was attached to his position by the strongest of ties, and his death came as a great shock."


Eye Problems - May 11, 2017
"Doctor!" whined the patient. "I keep seeing spots before my eyes."

The physician scratched his head, "Why have you come to me? Have you seen an ophthalmologist?"

"No," replied the patient, "just spots."


Telemarketers - May 10, 2017
If you answer the phone and say, "Hello, you're on the air" most telemarketers will hang up quickly.


Christianity, Faith, Righteousness - May 9, 2017
A preacher and the president of a soap manufacturing company went for a walk together.

The president said, "What good is Christianity? Look at all the trouble and misery of the world! Still there, even after years, thousands of years, of teaching about goodness and truth and love and peace. Still there, after all the sermons and teachings. If Christianity is good and true, why should this be?"

The preacher said nothing. They continued walking until he noticed a child playing in the gutter.

Then the preacher said, "Look at that child. You say that soap makes people clean, but see the dirt on that youngster. Of what good is soap? With all the soap in the world, over all these years, the child is still filthy. I wonder how effective soap is, after all!"

The president of the soap company protested, "But preacher, soap cannot do any good unless it is used!"

"Exactly," replied the preacher. "Exactly."


Wills Explained - May 8, 2017
I was in my wills and trusts course when the professor posed this question to the students:

"Why do people choose to have their children, rather than their siblings, inherit their estate?"

After students offered various theories, one fellow raised his hand.

"This may be a bit off the point," he said, "but when I was little, after my brother and sister finished playing with me, they would put me into a drawer."


Google - May 5, 2017
I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been Googling my name on her computer; I saw it through my binoculars last night.


Christening Ink - May 4, 2017
"Traditional christening services are being replaced by ceremonies where the newborn's name will be tattooed on some part of one or both parents' anatomy.

Their choice of decorative script is, as one archbishop observed, the closest some of these people will ever get to a font."


Marriage, Compatibility - May 3, 2017
A fellow asked his friend why he never married.

The friend replied, "Well, I guess I just never met the right woman; I guess I've been looking for the perfect girl."

"Oh, come on now," said the fellow. "Surely you have met at least one girl that you wanted to marry."

"Yes, there was a girl... once. I guess she was the one perfect girl; the only perfect girl I really ever met. She was just the right everything. I really mean that she was the perfect girl for me."

"Well, why didn't you marry her," asked the fellow.

"Because she was looking for the perfect man."


Signs Your Garage Needs To Be Cleaned - May 2, 2017

- It just entered itself in the heavyweight division on BattleBots.

- I don't care what mortgage company you use, they're not going to ask for paycheck stubs from anything earlier than the Eisenhower administration.

- Environmentalists picket in your driveway to save the old-growth cobwebs.

- You have 12 leaf rakes with a total of 19 tines.

- Your missing son emerges twelve years after disappearing, with a tale of being raised by boxes and old exercise equipment.

- Cockroaches won't go in there without 12 pairs of tiny rubber gloves on.

- "Antiques Roadshow" holds a live broadcast from your driveway.


Seabird Sausage - May 1, 2017
Never thought my butcher would turn a sea bird into sausage: but then he took a tern for the wurst.