Good, Clean Jokes and Funny Stories


Good, Clean Jokes and Funny Stories


While the Bible isn't a joke book, it is obvious that humor played an important role in Hebrew culture. When drought hit Jacob's world he turned to his sons and said, "Why are you staring at one another...Go down [to Egypt] and buy some for us" (Gen 42:1-2). I also hear humor in some of Jesus' remarks, like when He renamed James and John the "sons of thunder" or when He said the Pharisees where like whitewashed tombs, full of dead men's bones (Matt 23). I think we need the picture of Jesus laughing and enjoying people. In fact, while Jesus indeed had many hard things to say, He was also full of emotion, joy and celebration. Even as He rebuked the Pharisees, we see a glimpse of His demeanor in ministry when He scolded them saying, "We played the flute for you, but you would not dance" (Matt 11). There was something very non-religious in Jesus that laughter, celebration and humor is part of. Hopefully, these jokes, stories and quips will help make your day more merry as you walk with the Lord Jesus through this world.

Francis

August 2016


Guard Dog - August 31, 2016
My sister-in-law, a truck driver, decided to get a dog for protection.

As she inspected a likely candidate, the trainer told her, "He doesn't like men."

"Perfect," my sister-in-law thought and took the dog.

Then one day she was approached by two men in a parking lot, and she watched to see how her canine bodyguard would react.

Soon it became clear that the trainer wasn't kidding.

As the men got closer, the dog ran under the nearest car.


Encyclopedia Surprise - August 30, 2016
Working as a computer instructor for an adult-education program at a community college, I am keenly aware of the gap in computer knowledge between my younger and older students.

My observations were confirmed the day a new student walked into our library area and glanced at the encyclopedia volumes stacked on a bookshelf.

"What are all these books?" he asked.

Somewhat surprised, I replied that they were encyclopedias.

"Really?" he said. Someone printed out the whole thing?"


Teacher's Gifts
- August 29, 2016
On a special teacher's day, a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils. The florist's son handed her a gift. She shook it, held it over her head, and said, "I bet I know what it is - flowers!"

"That's right!" said the boy, "but how did you know?"

"Just a wild guess," she said.

The next pupil was the candy store owner's daughter. The teacher held her gift overhead, shook it, and said, "I bet I can guess what it is - a box of candy!"

"That's right! But how did you know?" asked the girl.

"Just a lucky guess," said the teacher.

The next gift was from the liquor store owner's son. The teacher held the bag over her head and noticed that it was leaking. She touched a drop with her finger and tasted it.  "Is it wine?" she asked.

"No," the boy replied.

The teacher repeated the process, touching another drop to her tongue.  "Is it champagne?" she asked.

"No," the boy replied.

The teacher then said, "I give up, what is it?"

The boy replied, "A puppy!"


Accents - August 26, 2016
About a year ago my sister, who lives in Virginia, was talking with her four year old son, Brent.

He was asking her why all their relatives from Wisconsin talk funny and sound like their noses are plugged up.

"They think we have an accent," she replied.

"But they have an accent, right?" Brent asked. "They talk funny."

"Everybody talks in different ways" she tried to explain.

"To them, we sound like we talk very slow and all our words are d-r-a-w-n out."

His eyes got big, and he whispered seriously, "Oh, no. You mean they hear funny too?"


Contractor
My job is in the Aerospace Industry, and it's always been a challenge to explain what kind of work I do. At one gathering, I tried several unsuccessful attempted explanations before deciding to be as generic as possible. When the subject came up while I was talking with a group of guys, I replied simply, "Defence Contractor."

The men nodded, and as the conversation went on, I silently declared victory to myself. Then, one of them turned to me and asked, "So, what do you put up mainly? Chain-link?"


Inspiration - August 25, 2016
A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write a sermon.

"How do you know what to say?" he asked.

"Why, God tells me."

"Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?"


Recruiting Crisis - August 24, 2016
The chief of staff of the Air Force decided that he would personally intervene in a recruiting crisis affecting all of our armed services. So he directed that a nearby Air Force base be opened and that all eligible young men and women be invited. As he and his staff were standing near a brand new F-15 Fighter, a pair of twin brothers who looked like they had just stepped off a Marine Corps recruiting poster walked up to them.

The chief of staff walked up to them, stuck out his hand and introduced himself. He looked at the first young man and asked, "Son, what skills can you bring to the Air Force?"

The young man looks at him and says, "I'm a pilot!"

The general turns to his aide and says, "Sign him up -- all the paper work done, everything, do it today!" The aide hustles the young man off.

The general looks at the second young man and asked, "What skills can you bring to the Air Force?"

The young man says, "I chop wood!"

"Son," the general replies, "we don't need woodchoppers in the Air Force. What else do you know how to do?"

"I chop wood!"

"Young man," huffs the general, "you are not listening to me. We don't need woodchoppers; this is the 21st century!"

"Well," the young man says, "you hired my brother!"

"Of course we did," says the general, "But he's a pilot!"

The young man rolls his eyes and says, "I HAVE to chop it before he can pile it!"


Courtesy - August 23, 2016
It was a Saturday afternoon, and Ray had rushed down to the local supermarket to hurriedly pick up some hamburger rolls, chips and a few condiments. The big game was going to be on, so he was having a few friends over to watch it.

The store was loaded with shoppers and as he headed for the six item express lane, the only one that didn't have a long line, a woman completely ignoring the overhead sign slipped into the check-out line just in front of him pushing a cart piled high with groceries.

Ray was quietly fuming at the anticipated delay. But the elderly cashier beckoned the woman to come forward, looked into the cart and asked ever so sweetly, "So Dearie, which six items would you like to buy?"


Things You Would Never Know Without The Movies - August 22, 2016
- It is always possible to park directly outside any building you are visiting.

- A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

- If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.

- Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.

- It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

- When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.

- No one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.

- Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

- When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other. If they're villains, they will probably speak with an English accent.

- You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.

- Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds, unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.

- An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight-year-old child.

- Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment you turn the television on.


Brain Vs Brawn - August 19, 2016
The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could out do anyone in a feat of strength.

He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen.

After several minutes, the older worker had had enough.

"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is?" he said.

"I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that building that you won't be able to wheel back."

"You're on, old man," the young guy replied.

The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles.

Then he turned to the young man and said, "Alright. Get in."


Moving Label
- August 18, 2016
Having moved 15 times during our 37-year marriage, my husband and I appreciate movers who take the time to label carefully boxes they pack for us.

The accuracy of labels can make a huge difference when we try to find something right away.

My favorite was done by one guy who attached this sticker to a box - obviously not knowing how to spell the best one word description:

"Animals you hit with a stick at a Mexican party."


Earthly Treasures - August 17, 2016
Showing his friend around his his home, Fred started to point out all of the collectibles he and his wife had acquired over their long years of marriage.
"The day before I die, I'm going to sell every piece we've got just to see how much it's all worth."
"But you couldn't possibly know the day before you were going to die, so how could you sell it."
"Simple: If I sell it, my wife would kill me!"


Never Too Old
- August 16, 2016
Two elderly gentlemen were visiting.  "I guess you're never too old," the first one boasted. "Why just yesterday a pretty college girl said she'd be interested in dating me.  But to be perfectly honest, I don't quite understand it."

"Well," said his friend, "you have to remember that nowadays women are more aggressive. They
don't mind being the one to ask."

"No, I don't think it's that."

"Well, maybe you remind her of her father."

"No, it's not that either. It's just that she also mentioned something about carbon 14."


Deer Hunting - August 15, 2016
A group of friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day.

That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.

"Where's Henry?"

"Henry had a nasty fall and broke both of his legs. He's a couple of miles back up the trail."

"You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back!?!"

"A tough call," nodded the hunter, "but I figured no one is going to steal Henry!"


Mute Golf - August 12, 2016
A man was about to tee off on the golf course when he felt a tap on his shoulder and a man handed him a card that read "I am mute. I am not able to speak. May I play through, please?"

The first man angrily gave the card back, and communicated that "No, he may not play through, and that his handicap did not give him such a right." He whacked the ball onto the green and left to finish the hole.

Just as he was about to put the ball into the hole he was hit in the head with a golf ball, laying him out cold. When he came to a few minutes later, he looked around and saw the mute sternly looking at him, holding up 4 fingers.


Trooper Delivery - August 11, 2016
One day a State Trooper was pulling off an expressway near Chicago.

When he turned onto the street at the end of the ramp, he noticed someone at a chicken place getting into his car. The driver placed the bucket of chicken on top of his car, got in and drove off with the bucket still on top of his car.

The trooper pursued him, pulled him over and walking up to the car he pulled the bucket off the roof and offered it to the driver.

The driver looked at the trooper and said, "No thanks, I just bought some."

Card Dog
- August 10, 2016
A man walked by a table in a hotel and noticed three men and a dog playing cards.

The dog was exhibiting an extraordinary performance.

"This is a very smart dog," the man commented.

"He's not so smart," said one of the irked players.

"Every time he gets a good hand he wags his tail."


Freckles Are Beautiful, Aging, True Beauty - August 9, 2016
An older woman and her little grandson, whose face was sprinkled with bright freckles, spent the day at the zoo. Lots of children were waiting in line to get their cheeks painted by a local artist who was decorating them with tiger paws.

"You've got so many freckles, there's no place to paint!" a little girl in the line said to the little fella.

Embarrassed, the little boy dropped his head.

His grandmother knelt down next to him. "I love your freckles. When I was a little girl I always wanted freckles," she said, while tracing her finger across the child's cheek. "Freckles are beautiful."

The boy looked up, "Really?"

"Of course," said the grandmother. "Why just name me one thing that's prettier than freckles."

The little boy thought for a moment, peered intensely into his grandmother's face, and softly whispered, "wrinkles."


Window Washer - August 8, 2016
There was a gentleman in the hospital bed next to me. He was covered with bandages from head to toe.

I said to him, "What do you do for a living?" 

He said, "I'm a former window washer."

I asked, "When did you give it up?"

He said, "Halfway down."


Checking Out - August 5, 2016
I was browsing in a souvenir shop when the man next to me struck up a conversation.

Just as he was telling me that his wife was getting carried away with her shopping, a brief power shortage caused the lights to flicker overhead.

"Ah," he sighed, "that must be her checking out now."


Vision Trouble - August 14 2016
I'm having some vision trouble today: I can't see myself doing anything.


Punishment vs. Vengeance
A schoolteacher was given a ticket for driving through a red light.

When she appeared in traffic court, she asked the judge for immediate attention to her case as she was due to be back in class.

The judge looked at her sternly and said:

"So you're a schoolteacher. I am about to realize a lifelong ambition. You sit down at that table over there and write 'I went through a stop sign.' FIVE HUNDRED TIMES!"


Superior Milk - August 3, 2016
The wise old Mother Superior was dying. The nuns gathered around her bed, trying to make her comfortable. They gave her some warm milk to drink, but she refused it.

Then one nun took the glass back to the kitchen. Remembering a bottle of whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.

Back at Mother Superior's bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother drank a little, then a little more, then before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop.

"Mother, Mother" the nuns cried, "Give us some wisdom before you die!"

She raised herself up in bed with a pious look on her face and pointing out the window, she said,

"Don't sell that cow!"


Politically Correct Light Bulb - August 2, 2016
"How many politically-correct people does it take to screw in a light-bulb?"

"Look, I don't know, but that's not funny."


Careless Words - August 1, 2016
While my son was on board the Navy carrier USS GEORGE WASHINGTON, the air wing was busy with training missions.

After talking to a pilot, one air-traffic controller accidentally left his microphone on and remarked to a nearby buddy, "That guy sounded just like Elmer Fudd."

The airwaves got strangely quiet as everyone listened, realizing that the pilot had also heard the comment. After about ten seconds, the pilot broke the silence by announcing,

"Be vewy, vewy quiet. We are hunting submawenes."

July 2016


Car Alarms - July 29, 2016
I was with a friend in a cafe' when a noisy car alarm interrupted our conversation.

"What good are car alarms when no one pays any attention to them?" I wondered aloud.

"Some are quite effective," my friend corrected me.

"Last summer, my teenager spent a lot of time at the neighbors'.

Whenever I wanted him home, I'd go out to the driveway and jostle his car."


The Good Old Days - July 28, 2016
It was the finish line of the Boston marathon. A first time runner is hobbling away, having just finished.

A grizzled old marathoner looks at him and says "You'll feel a lot worse tomorrow." He pauses and then says, "But the really bad news is that in about 3 days, you're going to think you had fun today."


Who's the Strongest - July 27, 2016
Walking into a bar one night, a man yelled out, "Who's the strongest in here?"

A huge man stands up and thumps his own chest. "I am the strongest!"

"Great!" the first man said. "Can you help me push my car to the gas station?"


Economy Motel - July 26, 2016
One night at an economy motel, I ordered a 6:00 a.m. wake-up call.

The next morning, I awoke before 6:00, but the phone did not ring until 6:30.

"Good morning," a young man said sheepishly. "This is your wake-up call."

Annoyed, I let the motel worker have it.

"You were supposed to call me at 6:00 AM!" I complained. "What if I had a million-dollar deal to close this morning, and your oversight made me miss out on it?"

"Well, sir," the desk clerk quickly replied, "if you had a million-dollar deal to close, you probably wouldn't be staying in this motel!"


Helping Out - July 25, 2016
For a while my husband and I had opposite schedules.

He worked during the day, and I worked at night.

One morning I noticed he had left a note to himself on the kitchen counter that read, "STAMPS!"

As a helpful surprise, I bought him some at the post office and put them on the counter before going to work.

The next morning I found the same note.

"STAMPS!" was crossed out. Underneath it he had written, "ONE MILLION DOLLARS!"


Self Confidence - July 22, 2016
J. Paul Getty was one of the wealthy men who frequently came to watch Jack Dempsey train. Himself a keen amateur boxer, he asked to be allowed to spar for a round with the champion.

Getty put up quite a creditable performance until he made the mistake of saying, "Hit me a little harder, Jack."
Dempsey knocked him out.


Cough Cure - July 21, 2016
The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall.

The owner asks the clerk "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"

The clerk replies, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."

The owner screams, "You goober! You can't treat a cough with a bottle of laxatives!"

The clerk calmly replies, "Of course you can! Look at him; he's afraid to cough!"


Questioning the Devil - July 20, 2016

Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong preaching on the devil. One said to the other, 'What do you think about all this Satan stuff? 'The other boy replied, 'Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. It's probably just your Dad.'



Wedding Colors - July 19, 2016
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother,

'Why is the bride dressed in white? ''The mother replied, 'Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life.'

The child thought about this for a moment then said, 'So why is the groom wearing black?'


Running Late - July 18, 2016
A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed, 'Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!'

While she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again! As she ran she once again began to pray, 'Dear Lord, please don't let me be late...But please don't shove me either!'


Bragging on Fathers - July 11, 2015
Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, 'My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50.'

The second boy says, 'That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100.'

The third boy says, 'I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!'


Unusual Request - July 14, 2016
An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers.

In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote,

'They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead.'


Questioning the Police - July 13, 2016
A police recruit was asked during the exam, 'What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?' He answered, 'Call for backup.'


Child's Answer - July 12, 2016
A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem.

A small child replied, 'They couldn't get a baby-sitter.'


Commandments - July 11, 2016
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to 'Honor  thy father and thy mother,' she asked, 'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?' Without missing a beat, one little boy answered, 'Thou shall not kill..'


Pepper Advice - July 8, 2016
When chopping a hot pepper...
1. Do NOT rub your nose...
and if you do and it starts to burn...
2. DON'T put you finger in your nostril to rub it...
AND IF YOU DO THEN BY ALL MEANS ...
3. DO NOT..."SNORT" WATER UP YOUR NOSE IN AN ATTEMPT TO RINSE THE JUICE
OUT.
Please don't ask me how I know...just *trust me*


Five Second Rule - July 7, 2016
The five-second rule for food dropped on the ground doesn't work if you have a two-second dog.


Trust - July 6, 2016
As a new school Principal, Mr. Mitchell was checking over his school on the first day. Passing the stockroom, he was startled to see the door wide open and teachers bustling in and out, carrying off books and supplies in preparation for the arrival of students the next day.
The school where he had been a Principal the previous year had used a check-out system only slightly less elaborate than that at Fort Knox.
Cautiously, he asked the school's long time Custodian, "Do you think it's wise to keep the stock room unlocked and to let the teachers take things without requisitions?"
The Custodian looked at him gravely. "We trust them with the children, don't we?"


Prepared Chicken - July 5, 2016

"May I take your order?" the waiter asked.
"Yes, how do you prepare your chickens?"
"Nothing special, sir," he replied.
"We just tell them straight out that they're going to die."


Loose Dog - July 4, 2016
The cops came to my door today to say that my dog was chasing someone on a bike, but I told them they had the wrong house because my dog doesn't own a bike!


Airport Security

On a business trip, my father approached a security checkpoint at the airport. The National Guard shift was rotating, and a guard, in full uniform, was in line in front of him.
As with everybody else, the soldier was ordered to go through the metal detector. So, as he did so, he handed his M-16 rifle to security personnel along with other items such as handcuffs and a flashlight.
Still, the alarm sounded when he walked through. Further inspection revealed a little Swiss army knife inside one of his pockets.
"Sorry, Sir, but this item is prohibited," security said to the soldier.
Then, taking the knife away, the airport worker handed him back the M-16.


Dieting - July 1, 2016

How many boxes of these thin mints do I need to eat before I see results?