September 30, 2023 - First Day Answer
The child comes home from his first day at school. His Mother asks, "Well,
what did you learn today?"
The kid replies, "Not enough. They want me to come back tomorrow."
September 29, 2023 - Solution for Sally
Eight-year-old Sally brought her report card home from school. Her marks were
good ... mostly A's and a couple of B's. However, her teacher had written
across the bottom:
"Sally is a smart little girl, but she has one fault. She talks too much
in school. I have an idea I am going to try, which I think may break her of the
habit."
Sally's dad signed her report card, putting a note on the back:
"Please let me know if your idea works on Sally because I would like to
try it out on her mother."
September 26, 2023 - Shirt Note
The trendy dresser fancied himself quite a ladies' man, and was delighted to
find a note pinned inside a new shirt. It contained a girl's name and address,
and asked the recipient to send a photograph. How romantic, he thought to
himself, very taken with the idea of this mystery woman so eager to meet him,
and promptly mailed off a note and a photo.
Heart aflutter, he opened her response.
It read, "Thanks for writing. I was just curious to see what kind of guy
would buy such a goofy shirt."
September 25, 2023 - Car Repair
Wayne, a friend of mine, owns an auto-repair business. One day a woman called
to inquire when he could work on her car. "I'm not busy now," he
replied. "bring it right in."
A short time later, the woman pulled into the service bay, stopping her small
car perfectly over the wide, deep grease pit.
"Wow!" Remarked Wayne. "That's great driving. Your wheels only
have a couple of inches to spare on each side of the pit."
She looked blankly at him and asked, "What pit?"
September 24, 2023 - Booty
A famous treasure hunter went out one day with all of his diving gear to search
for a treasure box that was supposed to be on a sunken ship. He swam around for
a while and looked where it was supposed to be, but didn't find anything.
When he was walking out of the water, really close to the shore, he tripped on
something. He started to dig around it and it was the treasure chest he was
looking for.
All this goes to prove that booty is only shin deep!
September 23, 2023 - Dear Dog
Dear Dog,
I am so sorry about you being sent to the dog pound for the broken lamp which
you did not break; the fish you did not spill; and the carpet that you did not
wet; or the wall that you did not dirty with red paint.
Things here at the house are calmer now, and just to show you that I have no
hard feelings towards you, I am sending you a picture, so you will always
remember me.
Best regards,
The Cat
September 22, 2023 - War
As the regiment moved out, the crowd cheered. One soldier asked another,
"Who are all those cheering people?"
The veteran answered, "They're the ones who aren't going."
September 19, 2023 - Cinnamon Rolls
At breakfast one day, I eagerly waited for my husband to comment on my first
attempt at homemade cinnamon rolls.
After several minutes with no reaction, I asked, "If I baked these
commercially, how much do you think I could get for one of them?"
Without looking up from his paper my husband replied, "About 10 years
September 18, 2023 - Reading Glasses
I took my 5 year old grandson to the optometrist to pick up his new glasses.
The glasses were prescribed "to help him read and be able to see the
computer better".
When we got back home, he got on the computer to play a game. In a few minutes
he called me and said there was something wrong with his glasses.
I asked him what was the problem and he said, "I still can't read."
September 17, 2023 - Fate
A young pupil asked, "Master, what is fate."
"Ah, my son, it is what has brought great nations together. It has made
the world a smaller place in which to live. It has inspired men of worth to
work endless hours. It will some day enable men to span the universe and light
years of travel will soon become mere seconds in time."
"And that, my master, is fate?"
"Oh, fate! I thought you said freight."
September 16, 2023 - Rustic Dining
As a trail guide in a national park, Danny ate with the rest of the seasonal
staff in a rustic dining hall, where the food left something to be desired.
When they were finished with their meals, they scraped the remains into a
garbage pail and stacked the plates for the dishwasher.
One worker, apparently not too happy after his first week on the job, was ahead
of Danny in line. As he slopped an uneaten plate of food into the garbage,
Danny heard him mutter, "Now stay there this time."
September 15, 2023 - Dog Growth
A distraught dog owner called his vet pleading for an immediate appointment. He
explained that his dog had a large growth or swelling near the corner of its
mouth. The vet told him to bring the animal right over.
When the man came in, the vet examined the dog as the man stood by, anxiously
waiting. At last the vet turned to him and asked, "Do you have any
children?"
"Oh, good grief, is it contagious?" the man gasped.
"No," the doctor answered. "It's bubble gum."
September 12, 2009 - Store Safety
While attending college, I worked evenings at a retail store. On slow nights my
co-worker Susan would often sing along with the radio while we did paperwork or
restocked merchandise.
One evening as the manager was leaving I expressed my concern to him about our
safety, being two women working alone at night.
"Oh, you'll be fine," he said, waving of his hand. "If you see
anybody who looks suspicious, just warn him that Susan knows karaoke."
September 11, 2023 - Golf Lessons
This fellow's wife was constantly nagging him to teach her to play golf.
Finally, one morning he relented and off they go.
First hole: Par 3, 179 yards, very pretty. The husband steps up first and says,
"Now watch me, and do the same thing." He hits a beautiful shot,
lands on the green with about 30 feet to the cup.
The wife steps up, drills it, hooks it, and it ricochets off a tree, bounces
off a rock and rolls up onto the green and drops into the cup.
The husband looks at this, and says, "OK, now you know how to play, let's
go home."
September 10, 2023 - Anti-Gravity
I found a very interesting book about anti-gravity.
I just can't put it down!
September 9, 2023 - Fax Hint
As a professor at the Air Force Institute of Technology, I taught a series of
popular courses on software engineering. The program was highly competitive and
difficult to get into, but one student made our decision whether to accept him
quite simple.
When asked to fax over his college transcript, the student told me, "Well,
I would, but it's the only copy I have."
September 8, 2023 - Ask Jeeves
My 50-something friend Nancy and I decided to introduce her mother to the magic
of the Internet. Our first move was to access the popular "Ask
Jeeves" site, and we told her it could answer any question she had.
Nancy's mother was very skeptical until Nancy said, "It's true, Mom. Think
of something to ask it."
As I sat with fingers poised over the keyboard, Nancy's mother thought a
minute, then responded, "How is Aunt Helen feeling?"
September 5, 2023 - Trail Talk
One afternoon I was walking on a trail with my baby daughter, chatting to her
about the scenery.
When a man and his dog approached, I leaned down to the carriage and said,
"See the doggy?"
Suddenly I felt foolish talking to my baby as if she understood me.
However, just as the man passed, he reached down, patted his dog, and said,
"See the baby?"
September 4, 2023 - Ship Movie
On many U.S. Navy ships the movie screen is suspended amid-ship so that it can
be viewed from both sides. This procedure makes it available to larger crowds
at popular movies, but usually the junior officers get a reverse image from
'the wrong side of the screen.'
One evening at dinnertime an enterprising young ensign passed the following
word over the officers' IMC circuit: "The movie to be shown in the
wardroom tonight for the senior officers is on the right side of the screen -
The Right-Handed Gun, starring Paul Newman."
"For the junior officers on the wrong side of the screen - The Left-Handed
Gun, starring Namwen Luap."
September 3, 2023 - Nervous Taxpayer
A nervous taxpayer was unhappily conversing with the IRS Tax auditor who had
come to review his records. At one point the auditor exclaimed, "Mr. Carr,
we feel it is a great privilege to be allowed to live and work in the USA. As a
citizen you have an obligation to pay taxes, and we expect you to eagerly pay
them with a smile."
"Wonderful," returned Mr. Carr, with a giant grin on his face from
ear to ear, "I thought you were going to want me to pay with cash!"
September 2, 2023 - Reading Problem
A patient came to me to discuss her nine year old son who was having difficulty
reading. The mother was worried that her son was, as she said,
"lysdexic".
"Yes", I answered, "and it tends to run in families".
"No one else has it" she replied.
September 3, 2023 - Paint Bonus
The homeowner was delighted with the way the painter had done all the work on
his house. "You did a great job." he said and handed the man a check.
"Also, in order to thank you, here's an extra $80 to take the missus out
to dinner and a movie."
Later that night, the doorbell rang and it was the painter. Thinking the man
had forgotten something he asked, "What's the matter, did you forget
something?"
"Nope." replied the painter. "I'm just here to take your missus
out to dinner and a movie like you asked."
