Good, Clean Jokes and Funny Stories


Good, Clean Jokes and Funny Stories


While the Bible isn't a joke book, it is obvious that humor played an important role in Hebrew culture. When drought hit Jacob's world he turned to his sons and said, "Why are you staring at one another...Go down [to Egypt] and buy some for us" (Gen 42:1-2). I also hear humor in some of Jesus' remarks, like when He renamed James and John the "sons of thunder" or when He said the Pharisees where like whitewashed tombs, full of dead men's bones (Matt 23). I think we need the picture of Jesus laughing and enjoying people. In fact, while Jesus indeed had many hard things to say, He was also full of emotion, joy and celebration. Even as He rebuked the Pharisees, we see a glimpse of His demeanor in ministry when He scolded them saying, "We played the flute for you, but you would not dance" (Matt 11). There was something very non-religious in Jesus that laughter, celebration and humor is part of. Hopefully, these jokes, stories and quips will help make your day more merry as you walk with the Lord Jesus through this world.

Francis

April 2020

April 30, 2020 - Bible
A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it.. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. 'Mama, look what I found,' the boy called out... 'What have you got there, dear?' With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, 'I think it's Adam's underwear!'

April 27, 2020 - Barbecue Forks
As the coals from our barbecue burned down, our hosts passed out marshmallows and long roasting forks.

Just then, two fire trucks roared by, sirens blaring, lights flashing. They stopped at a house right down the block.

All twelve of us raced out of the back yard, down the street, where we found the owners of the blazing house standing by helplessly. They glared at us with looks of disgust.

Suddenly, we realized why...

We were all still holding our roasting forks with marshmallows on them.


April 26, 2020 - Maritime Museum
Some midshipmen were tasked at the maritime museum to do the "dirty work" of restoring a 60-year-old destroyer. One day the Navy sent a crew of 20 men, while the Marines sent a crew of three.

The curator teased one of the Navy midshipman, saying, "You mean it takes twenty Navy guys to do the work of only three Marines?"

"Sir, no sir," he snapped back. "The truth is, sir, it takes six or seven of us to supervise each one of those Marines!"


April 25, 2020 - Housecleaning Philosophy
I don't do windows because...
I love birds and don't want one to run into a clean window and get hurt.

I don't wax floors because...
I am terrified a guest will slip and get hurt then I'll feel terrible ( plus they may sue me.)

I don't mind the dust bunnies because...
They are very good company, I have named most of them, and they agree with everything I say.

I don't disturb cobwebs because...
I want every creature to have a home of their own.

I don't Spring Clean because...
I love all the seasons and don't want the others to get jealous.

I don't put things away because...
My husband will never be able to find them again.

I don't do gourmet meals when I entertain because...
I don't want my guests to stress out over what to make when they invite me over for dinner.

I don't iron because...
I choose to believe them when they say "Permanent Press."

I don't stress much on anything because...
"A Type" personalities die young and I want to stick around and become a wrinkled up crusty ol' woman!!!


April 24, 2020 - 2nd Grade Math
I was the substitute teacher for a second-grade math class that was learning about groups. In one exercise, pupils were asked to label a group of items according to their common characteristics. Pictured were onion rings, doughnuts, a bundt cake, and ring cookies. The correct answer would have been that all the items have holes in the center.

But one health-conscious boy's response was, "All of those things contain too much cholesterol."


April 23, 2020 - Coffee Shop 'What Would Jesus Do'
Today, I was in the bathroom at a popular coffee chain. Someone wrote "What Would Jesus Do?" on the wall.

Another person wrote directly underneath that, "Wash His hands."

Then a third person wrote, "And your feet."


April 20, 2020 - Family Support
The prospective father-in-law asked, "Young man, can you support a family?”

The surprised groom-to-be replied, "Well, no. I was just planning to support your daughter. The rest of you will have to fend for yourselves."


April 19, 2020 - Mess Sign
A sign posted on the wall of an Army mess read, "Don't Waste Food -- Food will win the war."

Beneath someone had written, "That's fine, but how do we get the enemy to eat it?"


April 18, 2020 -Historic Recall
Ms. Crabtree had been telling her 1st grade class the story of the discovery of America by Columbus.

She concluded with, "And all this happened more than 500 years ago."

"Wow!" exclaimed Little Johnny, "What a great memory you have!"


April 17, 2020 - Top Ten Employee Rules
1) If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

2) If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.

3) Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

4) For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

5) Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back.

6) Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.

7) To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

8) The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

9) Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

10) If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.


April 16, 2020 - Death Statistic
A lady on a commuter train was reading a newspaper article about life and death statistics. Fascinated, she turned to the man next to her and said, "Did you know that every time I breathe somebody dies?"

"Really!?" he said. "Have you tried mouthwash?

April 13, 2020 - Stair Climbing
Most mornings I go to the local YMCA to exercise. One morning there was a big man working out on the stair climbing machine. He was really climbing stairs. I did my time on the treadmill and he was still climbing. I went to another machine to continue my work out. He was still climbing. I wondered what motivated him to work so vigorously.

He finally finished and as he walked by where I was working out, I said to him, "You were really climbing those stairs."

His reply, "Yeah, I was."

I asked, "What were you going to do when you got to the top?"


April 12, 2020 - Finding Good Help
As a nightclub owner, I hired a pianist and a drummer to entertain my customers. After several performances, I discovered that the drummer had walked away with some of my valuables. I notified the police and he was arrested.

Desperate for another drummer, I called a friend who knew some musicians. "What happened to the drummer you had?" he asked me.

"I had him arrested," I replied. We said good-bye and hung up.

A few minutes later my friend called back and asked, "How badly did he play?"


April 11, 2020 - Connecting Chaos
The fur began to fly when my fellow airline passengers learned there was a chance they might miss their connecting flight out of Aspen. When we finally landed, I found out just how nasty things got.

Over the intercom, a harried flight attendant announced, "Those of you continuing on to L.A. wait outside next to the boarding ramp and we will have a shuttle run you over."


April 10, 2020 - Animal Characteristics
Some farmers were standing around shooting the breeze one day when the topic came around to animals and their distinguishing traits.

The group agreed that the dog was probably the most loyal animal and the mule was undoubtedly the most stubborn.

Farmer Jones piped in, "You know, I believe probably the friendliest animal in all God's creation is the goose."

The others wanted to know how he arrived at such a conclusion.

"Well," explained Farmer Jones, "I was out standing in my corn the other day, and a whole flock of 'em came by overhead. And, do you know, every single one of 'em honked and waved!"


April 9, 2020 - Wedding Engagement
I realized that my five-year-old grandson had been watching too many reality TV shows the day we attended a relative's wedding.

As the four bridesmaids walked down the aisle toward the front of the church, he turned to me and asked,

"Is this where the groom decides which one he wants to marry?"


April 6, 2020 - Waxing or Waning
Out on a walk with my new girlfriend last night, only a small sliver of the moon was visible in the sky. She turned to me and asked, "Is it waxing or waning?"

I had no idea what to answer, but wanting to make a good impression I stopped and gazed for a few seconds wondering what the odds were I would pick the right answer of the two.

It was then that I realized there was a 50% chance of wane.


April 5, 2020 - Hereafter
The minister advised Uncle Howard to give some thought to the "hereafter." Uncle Howard told him that the hereafter was hardly ever out of his mind.

At least a dozen times a day he would go to do something, like going to the bathroom cabinet for his medicine, then say, "What on earth am I hereafter?!"


April 4, 2020 - Conductor Comment Comeback

A conductor was having a lot of trouble with one drummer. He constantly gave this guy personal attention and much advice, but his performance simply didn't improve. Finally, before the whole orchestra, he said,

"When a musician just can't handle his instrument and doesn't improve when given help, they take away the instrument, give him two sticks, and make him a drummer."

A stage whisper was heard from the percussion section, "And if he can't handle even that, they take away one of his sticks and make him a conductor."


April 3, 2020 - Dog Report
Craig's two kids are in the same class at school, and the teacher had the class write reports about their pets. After the reports were all turned in, the teacher called one of the youngsters up to her desk and scolded him.

"This report on 'My Dog' is exactly, word for word, the same as your brother's. Did you copy from him?"

He replies, "No Ma'am. It's about the same dog."


April 2, 2020 - Childlike Observations
After years of using the same perfumes, I decided to try something different and settled on a light, citrusy fragrance.

The next day I was surprised when it was my little boy, not my husband, who first noticed the change. As he put his arms around me, he declared, "Wow, Mom, you smell just like Froot Loops!

March 2020

March 30, 2020 - Doody Solution
A little three-year-old boy is sitting on the toilet. His mother thinks he has been in there too long, so she goes in to see what's up.

The little boy is sitting on the toilet reading a book. But about every 10 seconds or so he puts the book down, grips onto the toilet seat with his left hand and hits himself on top of the head with his right hand.

His mother says, "Billy, are you all right? You've been in there for a while."

Billy says, "I'm fine, Mommy. I just haven't gone doody yet."

Mother says, "Okay, you can stay in there a few more minutes, but Billy, why are you hitting yourself on the head?"

Billy says, "Works for ketchup!"


March 29, 2020 - Garage Retrieval
There was a knock at the door. It was a small boy, about six years old. Something of his had found its way into my garage, he said, and he wanted it back.

Upon opening the garage door, I noticed two additions: a baseball and a broken window sporting a baseball-sized hole.

"How do you suppose this ball got in here?" I asked the boy.

Taking one look at the ball, one look at the window, and one look at me, the boy exclaimed, "Wow! I must have thrown it right through that hole!"


March 28, 2020 - Feeding the Baby
My husband is wonderful with our baby daughter, but often he turns to me for advice. Recently, I was in the shower when he poked his head in to ask, "What should I feed Lily for lunch?"

"That's up to you," I replied. "There's all kinds of food. Why don't you pretend I'm not at home?"

A few minutes later, my cell phone rang. I answered it to hear my husband asking, "Yeah, hi, Honey. Uh...what should I feed Lily for lunch?"


March 27, 2020 - Fashion Sense
My teenager was headed to school one morning when I told him that the neck tag on his shirt was hanging out.

"I know," he replied. "It's a fad me and some of the guys started."

Weeks later, as the style persisted, I commented, "I can't stand it! Every time I see that, I want to fix it for you."

I gently tucked the tag in place and rumpled his hair.

"Yeah," he said smiling slyly. "All the girls do, too."


March 26, 2020 - Choking Fee
When the wealthy businessman choked on a fish bone at a restaurant, he was fortunate that a doctor was seated at a nearby table.

Springing up, the doctor skillfully removed the bone and saved the man's life.

As soon as the fellow had calmed himself and could talk again, he thanked the surgeon enthusiastically and offered to pay him for his services.

"Just name the fee," he croaked gratefully.

"Okay," replied the doctor. "How about half of what you'd have offered when the bone was still stuck in your throat?"


March 23, 2020 - Bakery Robbery
My cousin was behind the bakery's cash register one morning when a gunman burst in and demanded all the cash.

As she nervously handed over the money, she noticed the rolls of coins in the back of the register.

"Do you want the rolls too?" she asked.

"No," said the robber, waving his gun. "Just the money."


March 22, 2020 - Options
I bought a great new toilet seat recently. On the label was a suggestion on how to clean it.

Although nice to have the option, I doubt I'll take advantage of it.

My toilet seat, it seems, is "Dishwasher Safe."


March 21, 2020 - What The Teacher Says and What She Really Means

1. Your son has a remarkable ability in gathering needed information from his classmates.
(He was caught cheating on a test).

2. Karen is an endless fund of energy and viability.
(The hyperactive monster can't stay seated for five minutes).

3. Fantastic imagination! Unmatched in his capacity for blending fact with fiction.
(He's definitely one of the biggest liars I have ever met).

4. Margie exhibits a casual, relaxed attitude to school, indicating that high expectations don't intimidate her.
(The lazy thing hasn't done one assignment all term).

5. Her athletic ability is marvelous. Superior hand-eye coordination.
(The little creep stung me with a rubber band from 15 feet away).

6. Nick thrives on interaction with his peers.
(Your son needs to stop socializing and start working).

7. Your daughter's greatest asset is her demonstrative public discussions.
(Classroom lawyer! Why is it that every time I explain an assignment she creates a class argument).

8. John enjoys the thrill of engaging challenges with his peers.
(He's a bully).

9. An adventurous nature lover who rarely misses opportunities to explore new territory.
(Your daughter was caught skipping school at the fishing pond).

10. I am amazed at her tenacity in retaining her youthful personality.
(She's so immature that we've run out of diapers).

11. Unlike some students who hide their emotion, Charles is very expressive and open.
(He must have written the Whiner's Guide).

12. I firmly believe that her intellectual and emotional progress would be enhanced through a year's repetition of her learning environment.
(Regretfully, we believe that she is not ready for high school and must repeat the 8th grade).

13. Her exuberant verbosity is awesome!
(A mouth that never stops yakking).


March 20, 2020 - Job Interviews

Before my son could start going on job interviews, he needed to dress the part. That, he decided, required a $500 suit.

"What!?" I answered, gagging at the price tag. "I've bought cars for $500!"

"That's why I want the $500 suit," he said. "So I don't have to drive $500 cars."


March 19, 2020 - Attendance Sermons
A man who hadn't attended church in years suddenly began attending faithfully on Sunday mornings instead of going fishing as was his normal habit.

The pastor was highly gratified and at the end of service one morning told him, "How wonderful it makes me feel to see you at services with your good wife!"

"Well, Preacher," said the fisherman, "Quite honestly, it's a matter of choice. I'd much rather hear your sermon than hers."


March 16, 2020 - 28 Ounce Water Pump

A woman calls an import parts warehouse and asks for a 28-ounce water pump.

"A what?" says the confused parts guy.

"My husband says he needs a 28-ounce water pump."

"A 28-ounce water pump? What kind of car does it fit?"

"A Datsun."

As the parts guy writes down "Datsun, 28 oz. water pump" the light in his head goes on. "Oh yes ma'am. We've got 28-ounce water pumps. We have 24-ounce and 26-ounce water pumps too."

"Finally," she says. "You're the first place I've called that knew what I was talking about."

"Yes ma'am. That's because we're a full-service parts warehouse; it's our job to have the parts you need, like a 28-ounce water pump," he says, smiling, as he jots down customer pick-up, Datsun 280Z water pump, part number…


March 15, 2020 - Deli Tax Return

The owner of a small deli was being questioned by the IRS about his tax return. He had reported a net profit of $80,000 for the year.

"Why don't you people leave me alone?" the deli owner said. "I work like a dog, everyone in my family helps out, and the place is closed only three days a year. And you want to know how I made $80,000?"

"It's not your income that bothers us," the agent said. "It's these deductions. You listed six trips to Bermuda for you and your wife."

"Oh, that," the owner said, smiling. "I forgot to tell you - we also deliver."


March 14, 2020 - Couples Observation
Within a year, our Young Couples Department at church had grown from one class of eight active couples to four classes with 56 active couples!

On Baby Dedication Sunday that year, we had 19 babies! Our Pastor was so excited. He stood in the pulpit that Sunday with 19 babies and their parents facing him. He wanted to brag on these couples and the great job that they had done growing this Young Couples Department. However, here's what he actually said: "Just look at ALL these babies! Folks, this just goes to show what our young couples have been doing!!!"

The laughter started and continued for several minutes. Every time the pastor tried to say something, the laughter would begin again. Finally, the red-faced pastor added, "For which we are grateful."


March 13, 2020 - Wedding Speech
Our nephew was getting married to a doctor's daughter.

At the wedding reception, the father of the bride stood to read his toast, which he had scribbled on a piece of scrap paper. Several times during his speech, he halted, overcome with what I assumed was a moment of deep emotion.

But after a particularly long pause, he explained, "I'm sorry. I can't seem to make out what I've written down."

Looking out into the audience, he asked, "Is there a pharmacist in the house?"


March 12, 2020 - Choosing a Husband
A store that sells husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates. You may visit the store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors, and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch: You may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building. So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

On the first floor, the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men have jobs and love the Lord.

The second floor sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, and love kids.

The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, and are extremely good looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop-dead good looking, and help with the housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims. "I can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 4,363,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that some women are impossible to please.

Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. Watch your step as you exit the building, and have a nice day!


March 9, 2020 - Hiccups
While waiting in line at the bank, a co-worker developed a very loud case of hiccups. By the time he reached the teller's window, the hiccups seemed to have worsened. The teller took my friend's check and proceeded to run a computer verification of his account. After a minute she looked up from her terminal with a frown and said that she would be unable to cash his check.

"Why not?" my friend asked incredulously.

"I'm sorry, sir," she replied, "but our computer indicates that you do not have sufficient funds to cover this amount. As a matter of fact," she continued, "our records show your account overdrawn in excess of $5000."

"It can't be!" he cried. "You have to be kidding!"

"Yes, I am," she answered with a smile, counting out his cash. "But you will notice that your hiccups are gone."


March 8, 2020 - Chicken Recovery
A farmer's son was returning from the market with the crate of chickens his father had told him to carry home, when the box broke open and the chickens all escaped. The boy quickly fixed the crate and chased around the neighborhood gathering up the chickens. Hoping he had found them all, he finally made it home, expecting to get a strong lecture from his father.

"Pa, the chickens got loose, but I did get 12 of them back."

"Well you did a fine job, son," the farmer said proudly, "because I only sent you home with seven!"


March 7, 2020 - Prescription Fail
A gentleman was having some physical problems and his doctor told him that he had to drink warm water with Epsom salts one hour before breakfast. At the end of a week he returned and the doctor asked if he was feeling better. The man said that he actually felt worse.

"Did you drink warm salt water an hour before breakfast each day?" the Doc asked.

"No," replied the man somberly, letting out a sigh. “I could only do about 15 minutes!"


March 6, 2020 - Mall Musician
A down and out musician was playing his harmonica in the middle of a busy shopping mall. Striding over, a policeman asked, “May I please see your permit?”

I don’t have one,” confessed the musician.

“In that case, you’ll have to accompany me.”

“Splendid!” exclaimed the musician. “What shall we sing?”


March 5, 2020 - Four Letter Surgery
Jerry is recovering from day surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling.

"I'm OK, but I didn't like the four-letter word the doctor used in surgery," he answers.

"What did he say?" asks the nurse.

"OOPS


March 2, 2020 - New Light Switch
My husband decided life would be easier if he wired a new light switch in the master bedroom to save us from fumbling in the dark for the lamp. He cut through the drywall and found a stash of bottles and small boxes inside the wall.

"Honey!" he called excitedly. "You've got to come here and see what I found."

I ran in and quickly realized that his next task would be to fix the hole that now led into the back of our medicine cabinet.


March 1, 2020 - Murphy's Laws of Parenting
- The later you stay up, the earlier your child will wake up the next morning.

- The gooier the food, the more likely it is to end up on the carpet.

- The longer it takes you to make a meal, the less your child will like it.

- A sure way to get something done is to tell a child not to do it.

- For a child to become clean, something else must become dirty.

- Toys multiply to fill any space available.

- Yours is always the only child who doesn't behave.

- If the shoe fits ... it's expensive.

- Backing the car out of the driveway causes your child to have to go to the bathroom.

February 2020

February 29, 2020 - Teachers About to Retire
You know you're a retiree-to-be when...

1. Fellow staff members greet you in the hall with, "Oh! Stop smiling!"

2. You get up to the checkout counter at Borders, and you realize you're buying books you won't need next year.

3. Your file cabinets are getting lighter, and your circular file is getting heavier.

4. You find yourself saying, "Yes!" whenever an administrator or union officer asks you to be on a committee next year.

5. The custodian has complained to the principal that the trash he removes daily from your room is 10 to 20 times greater than any other room in the building - including the cafeteria.

6. You get in line at the copy machine, and realize you don't have anything to copy.

7. The teachers in the grade below you complain about how horrible their kids are, and you just smile.

8. The principal comes in for the final observation of the year, and you throw a party for your class with lots of snacks, games, and a visit from Frankie the clown.

9. You constantly find other teachers in your room measuring bookcases.

10. You respond to every new initiative with, "Been there! Done that!"

11. When the parent, who has complained about every teacher her kid has ever had, comes up to you and says, "My son is hoping to get you next year," you just smile!

12. On your way to the parking lot, you look up at the sky, and see 3 or 4 recent college graduates circling overhead.

13. Other staff members complain that they can't get into the rest room because you're always in there, laughing hysterically.

14. Behind you, as you're driving out of the parking lot, you hear the faint ringing of the dismissal bell.

15. Your final comments on the June report card are, "Bye!"


February 28, 2020 - Scientific Advances
Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

While I was employed by a private corporation and assigned to the space-shuttle program, my job included ordering supplies.

One of the engineers asked me to get a new dictionary for him. The request form said, "State reason this item is needed," so I asked him why he wanted one.

I expected his answer would be "My old copy is lost" or "The cover is falling off." Instead he replied, "My edition defines spaceship as an 'imaginary aircraft.'"

He got his new dictionary.


February 27, 2020 - Money and Friends
Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

A woman called the dean of the college that her freshman son was going to. "I'm worried. I don't know who my son can hang out with. He doesn't have the kind of money all the other students have."

The dean replied, "He can hang out with the faculty."


February 24, 2020 - New Light Switch

My husband decided life would be easier if he wired a new light switch in the master bedroom to save us from fumbling in the dark for the lamp. He cut through the drywall and found a stash of bottles and small boxes inside the wall.

"Honey!" he called excitedly. "You've got to come here and see what I found."

I ran in and quickly realized that his next task would be to fix the hole that now led into the back of our medicine cabinet.


February 23, 2020 - Money and Friends
A woman called the dean of the college that her freshman son was going to. "I'm worried. I don't know who my son can hang out with. He doesn't have the kind of money all the other students have."

The dean replied, "He can hang out with the faculty."


February 22, 2020 - Get-well Gift
My wife coordinates get-well gifts for our church members who are in the hospital.

Recently she visited a member who was recuperating from a kidney stone operation. Not knowing the nature of his illness, she presented him with a copy of Max Lucado's book, "He Still Moves Stones."


February 21, 2020 - Knowing Your Spouse
One of the funniest memories I have of the trials and tribulations of making the journey from childhood to adulthood was our annual summer vacation trek from Chicago to a cabin usually someplace on a lake in Wisconsin or Michigan.

Every year, it seems, we would get on a highway a few miles out of the city, and mom would wail, "Oh my goodness! I think left the iron on." And almost every year we would turn around and go back. But as I recall, not once was it was ever plugged in. She often had the same fear that all our earthly possessions would disappear in a fire caused by her forgetfulness.

When I was about 14 years old, we were headed out of Chicago for Lake Geneva, Wisconsin and, sure enough, Mom gasped, "I just know I left the iron on."

My father didn't say a word, just pulled over onto the shoulder of the road, got out, opened the trunk and handed her the iron.


February 20, 2020 - Procedure Recall
As a resident physician in radiology, I was speaking with the man whose wife was about to receive a CAT scan of the chest.

While the nurse was placing the intravenous line, I asked the husband if his wife had undergone any other tests. The man named several procedures involving various body parts, but he couldn't remember one particular test.

Thinking out loud, he said, "What is that thing women have that men don't?"

His wife was quick to answer, "A brain, dear."


February 17, 2020 - Arrest
A police recruit was asked during the exam,

'What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?'

He answered, 'Call for backup.'


February 16, 2020 - Bible Story
A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem.

A small child replied, 'They couldn't get a baby-sitter.'


February 15, 2020 - Family

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.

After explaining the commandment to 'Honor thy father and thy mother,' she asked, 'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?'

Without missing a beat, one little boy answered, 'Thou shall not kill..'


February 14, 2020 - Getting a WifeAt Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings.

Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.

Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and she said, 'Johnny, what is the matter?' Little Johnny responded, 'I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife.'


February 13, 2020 - Laughter
You don't stop laughing because you grow old.

You grow old because you stop laughing!

Take heed and pass these along to people who need a laugh. I thought you would enjoy this....times are tough right now...for all of us... so we need something to make the day a happy place.

"They" haven't found a way to tax you for laughing yet.


February 10, 2020 - Truth
Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong preaching on the devil.

One said to the other, 'What do you think about all this Satan stuff?'

The other boy replied, 'Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out.

It's probably just your Dad.'


February 9, 2020 - Wearing White
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother,

'Why is the bride dressed in white?''

The mother replied, 'Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life.'

The child thought about this for a moment then said,

'So why is the groom wearing black?'


February 8, 2020 - Running
A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class.

As she ran she prayed, 'Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!'

While she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again!

As she ran she once again began to pray, 'Dear Lord, please don't let me be late...But please don't shove me either!'


February 7, 2020 - Dads
Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers.

The first boy says, 'My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50.'

The second boy says, 'That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100.'

The third boy says, 'I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!'


February 6, 2020 - One Woman's Dying Wish
An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers.

In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote,

'They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead.'


February 3, 2020 - Senior moment

Several days ago as I left a meeting at our church, I desperately gave myself a personal TSA pat down. I was looking for my keys. They were not in my pockets. A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing.

Suddenly I realized, I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the parking lot. My wife, Diane, has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition. My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them. Her theory is that the car will be stolen. As I burst through the doors of the church, I came to a terrifying conclusion. Her theory was right. The parking lot was empty.

I immediately call the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen. Then I made the most difficult call of all, “Honey,” I stammered. I always call her “honey” in times like these. “I left my keys in the car, and it has been stolen."

There was a period of silence. I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard Diane’s voice. “Ken” she barked, “I dropped you off!”

Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, “Well, come and get me.”

Diane retorted, “I will, as soon as I can convince this policeman that I did not steal your car!!!”


February 2, 2020 - Kettle Rescue
A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist towards an electric kettle.

Intending to jolt him away from the deadly electrical current, she whacked him with a plank of wood that had been by the back door, breaking his arm in two places.

Until that moment he had been happily listening to his mp3 player.


February 1, 2020 - Mom Through the Ages
4 years old: My Mommy can do anything!
8 years old: My Mom knows a lot! A whole lot!
12 years old: My Mother doesn't really know quite everything.
14 years old: Naturally, Mother doesn't know that, either.
16 years old: Mother? She's hopelessly old-fashioned.
18 years old: That old woman? She's way out of date!
25 years old: Well, she might know a little bit about it.
35 years old: Before we decide, let's get Mom's opinion.
55 years old: Wonder what Mom would have thought about it?
65 years old: Wish I could talk it over with Mom

January 2020

January 31, 2020 - Always Corrected
Frustrated at always being corrected by my hubby, I decided the next time it happened I would have a comeback. That moment finally arrived, and I was ready.

"You know," I challenged, "even a broken clock is right once a day."

He looked at me and replied, "Twice."


January 30, 2020 - 12 Reasons I Stopped Attending Sports Events
Take some of the most common excuses for not going to church and use them to stop attending sporting events and here’s what you get:

~ Every time I went, they asked me for money.

~ The people I had to sit by didn't seem very friendly.

~ The seats were too hard and not comfortable at all.

~ The coach never came to call on me.

~ The referee made a decision with which I could not agree.

~ I was sitting with some hypocrites -- they came only to see what others were wearing.

~ Some games went into overtime, and I was late getting home.

~ The band played some numbers that I had never heard before.

~ The games are scheduled when I want to do other things.

~ My parents took me to too many games when I was growing up.

~ Since I read a book on sports, I feel that I know more than the coaches anyhow.

~ I don't want to take my children, because I want them to choose for themselves what sport they like best.


January 27, 2020 - Returned E-mail
The start of the new school term always brings out the most interesting questions for computer consultants on campus. The predominant questions this term pertain to "getting into" email and how to access the "Information Highway."

An obviously distraught student came into the consulting office yesterday complaining that his email wasn't working; his attempts to get tickets for an on-campus concert kept resulting in returned mail.

He showed me the mail address he was attempting to reach. I asked him where he obtained such an unusual mail address.

He replied, "The sign said, 'begins@7:30P.M.'"


January 26, 2020 - Finger Pointing
Trying to come to the aid of his Father, who was stopped by an officer for speeding, the lil' tyke piped up:

"Yeah? Well, if we were speeding, so were you!"


January 25, 2020 - Name Please
A county traffic policeman recently stopped a woman for exceeding the posted speed limit. He asked the driver for her name. She said, "I'm Mrs. Ladislav Abdulkhashim Zybkcicraznovskaya from the Republic of Uzbekistan, visiting my daughter at Columbia."

The cop put away his summons book and pen and said,

"Well... OK... but don't let me catch you speeding again."


January 24, 2020 - Company Role Models
My company had a successful year, and at the annual meeting, employees eagerly awaited the general manager's report on the performance of our branch.

"You are the role models of our company," he proudly announced. "I can tell you that whenever the owners talk about you and your office, they use nothing but expletives." A stunned silence followed.

Then the manager blushed, cleared his throat, and added,

"I meant superlatives."


January 23, 2020 - Benny's Three Wishes
Benny worked at the Metropolitan Museum of Art. His primary job was to keep the exhibits clean and polished. One day he happened to be dusting around the Arabian exhibit, and he noticed an ancient urn that needed some cleaning. He got out his dust rag and began polishing. Lo and behold, an enormous genie appeared before him.

"Master," the genie began, "I am the genie of the urn. I can grant you three wishes, but there is one condition I will put on you: You must never shave or cut your beard for the rest of your life, or you will be forced to take my place inside the urn forever."

Benny thought about it for a bit, and decided it was a fair condition for three wishes. So Benny wished for 49 percent of the total Microsoft stock, which was promptly granted. Then he wished for the most beautiful woman in the world as his wife, and lo and behold, she was. Finally, he wished for fame and fortune, and he instantly became a worldwide celebrity.

Over the years, Benny's beard became longer and longer until it almost reached the floor. As it grew longer, it began to itch. He tried to ignore it, but the itch became more and more irritating, while the memory of the genie's warning faded.

Finally he decided he had to get rid of the beard and he shaved it off. Instantly he was trapped in the urn, to stay there forever.

The moral of the story: A Benny shaved is a Benny urned.


January 20, 2020 - Helping Family
My husband Ronnie volunteered to strip the bricks from the exterior of my parents’ house. One morning he was out front chipping away when a man came by looking for my father.

"He's not here," Ronnie said.

The man thanked him, watched him remove a few more bricks, and said, "I'll bet next time they'll leave the key for you."


January 19, 2020 - Newcomers
While serving as church usher, I was carrying out our tradition of escorting parishioners to their seats before the service began. After I returned to the entrance of the sanctuary to escort the next party, I greeted two strangers and asked where they would like to sit.

Looking confused, the young man smiled and said, "Non-smoking, please."


January 18, 2020 - Instructions
My mother was recently on a flight returning from Utah. As the plane was a small puddle jumper, the flight attendants were required to demonstrate the life vest, the oxygen mask, etc. instead of turning on a video.

After they finished their presentation, one of them said "To those of you who listened, thank you. To those of you who ignored us, good luck."


January 17, 2020 - A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments.
They were ready to discuss the last one.
The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was.
Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted,
"Thou shall not take the covers off the neighbor's wife."


January 16, 2020 - Twitter Addiction
A man walks into Doctor’s and says, “Doctor, I think I’m addicted to Twitter.”

The doctor looks at him and says, “Sorry, I don’t follow you."


January 13, 2020 - Unwise Application Lines
Readers of the Washington Post were asked to compose a very unwise line for a college application:

"When I told my friends I was applying to LeHigh, they were like, no way, and I was like, yes way. And they were like, way cool."

"Four years of fees at your institution come to about $78,000. Just bill my father and mail me half the money. He'll never find out."

"First off, coach said there wasn't going to be no writing."

"To demonstrate my love for your school, I have spray-painted your logo on my town's water tower."

"College is probably the last place they'll look for me."


January 12, 2020 - A Place and Time for Everything
While watching a movie recently, I couldn't hear the dialogue over the chatter of the two women sitting in front of me. Unable to bear it any longer, I tapped one of them on the shoulder. Rules of This Household
1. If you are not here for dinner, too bad. This is not a fast-food place where the cook is on duty at all times. The cook works full time and does not need a second job.

2. If you make a mess, clean it up. The dishwasher is open 24 hours a day to service you as are the vacuum, broom, and sponge. Please help them to help you by using them. If you need assistance, ask the cook -- she will be happy to give you training on any of the equipment.

3. The taxi service for this household is not on call 24 hours. You must make reservations at least 12 hours in advance. You have two good legs, skateboards, and bikes that are somewhat operational; one of you has a vehicle that works. Use them. By the way, skateboards are to be used on the outside of this house and are never to be used in the living room just because the landing is softer when you fall.

4. We are not a bank and you have no collateral to offer us. Face it: We own everything you have and I have receipts to prove it, so don't ask us for loans. Get jobs! We have them. Try it and you might like it (not so much the work as the money).

5. Curfew is negotiable, but try not to be late too often because it could go either way.

6. Tell us where you are going. GOOD GRIEF! I am way older than you, and I still tell my mother where I am going when I am at her house. Leave us a note or try to form words describing where you are going while we are in the room with you. Honestly, we don't bite unless provoked.

7. You know how to use a phone. Most of you even have cell phones. We like to hear your voice if you are going to be late. You can use a phone to find out what's for dinner, to let us know you made it to wherever all right, or just to let us hear your beautiful voice.

8. No food in your room, the living room, the bathroom, or anywhere in the house other than the kitchen or dining area EVER! How many times do I have to say this?

9. You do not contribute financially in any way, shape, or form to this household, so try to pull your weight in other ways: Clean something, put something away, surprise us by doing it before we ask. Otherwise, you may find yourself financially supporting yourself on the OUTSIDE of this house.

"Excuse me," I said, "I can't hear."

"I should hope not," she replied sharply. "This is a private conversation."


January 11, 2020 - Helping Mom
A little while after my mother was widowed, it became apparent that she was unable to open the garage door by herself. Being the macho man that I am, I've decided to install an automatic door for her. I worked very hard on my project. Very proud of my achievement, I gave the remote control to my mother and said, "Here, Mom, you open it."

After she gingerly pressed the button, the garage door slowly started to move upwards, making the usual chug-chug-chug sound.

All of a sudden, the chugging was interrupted by a loud "Squeal! Yelp! Yelp!!"

Bewildered, we looked under the garage door. Standing on its hind legs and frantically waving front paws was the family mutt. My mother tied the poor dog to the garage door's handle.

Instead of lowering the door, my mother tried to free the almost-hanging pooch from his collar, the remote control firmly clutched in her hand. I was rolling on the grass laughing. I finally wrestled the remote from my mother, lowered the garage door and freed the dog.


January 10, 2020 - Car-jacking Foiled
An elderly lady did her shopping and upon return found 4 males in her car. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at them at the top of her voice that she knows how to use it and that she will if required... so get out of the car!

The 4 men didn't wait around for a second invitation but got out and ran like mad, whereupon the lady proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the drivers seat.

Small problem: her key wouldn't fit the ignition. Her car was identical and parked four / five spaces further down. She loaded her bags into her car and drove to the police station.

The sergeant that she told the story to nearly tore himself in two with laughter and pointed to the other end of the counter where 4 pale white males were reporting a car jacking by a mad elderly white woman... no charges were filed.


January 9, 2020 - Missing Wrench
A mechanic who worked out of his home had a dog named Mace. Mace had a bad habit of eating all the grass in the mechanic's lawn. So the mechanic had to keep Mace inside. The grass eventually became overgrown.

One day the mechanic was working on a car in his backyard and dropped his wrench losing it in the tall grass. He couldn't find it for the life of him, so he decided to call it a day.

That night, Mace escaped from the house and ate all the grass in the backyard. The next morning the mechanic went outside and saw his wrench glinting in the sunlight. Realizing what had happened he looked up to the heavens and proclaimed...

'A grazing Mace, how sweet the hound, that saved a wrench for me!'


January 6, 2020 - Teenage Household Rules
Raising teenagers is a challenge, so my hubby and I came up with the following rules to help the kids understand what was expected of them during their pre-adult status.


January 5, 2020 - Labor Costs
A man having lunch at a Chinese restaurant noticed that the table had been set with forks, not chopsticks. He asked why. The waiter said "Chopsticks are provided only on request."

"But," the man countered, "if you gave your patrons chopsticks, you wouldn't have to pay someone to wash all the forks."

"True," the waiter shot back, "but we would have to hire three more people to clean up the mess."


January 4, 2020 - The Fight Within
An old Cherokee chief is teaching his grandson about life: "A fight is going on inside me," he said to the boy. "It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves.

"One is evil - he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, self-doubt, and ego.

"The other is good - he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith.

"This same fight is going on inside you - and inside every other person, too."

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, "Which wolf will win?"

The old chief simply replied, "The one you feed."


January 3, 2020 - Chewed Out Answer

A drill sergeant had just chewed out one of his cadets, and as he was walking away, he turned to the cadet and said, "I guess when I die you'll come and dance on my grave."

The cadet replied, "Not me, Sarge...no sir! I promised myself that when I got out of the Army I'd never stand in another line!"


January 2, 2020 - Cherokee 180

One day, the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee.

Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"

The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for a second one."