Good, Clean Jokes and Funny Stories


Good, Clean Jokes and Funny Stories


While the Bible isn't a joke book, it is obvious that humor played an important role in Hebrew culture. When drought hit Jacob's world he turned to his sons and said, "Why are you staring at one another...Go down [to Egypt] and buy some for us" (Gen 42:1-2). I also hear humor in some of Jesus' remarks, like when He renamed James and John the "sons of thunder" or when He said the Pharisees where like whitewashed tombs, full of dead men's bones (Matt 23). I think we need the picture of Jesus laughing and enjoying people. In fact, while Jesus indeed had many hard things to say, He was also full of emotion, joy and celebration. Even as He rebuked the Pharisees, we see a glimpse of His demeanor in ministry when He scolded them saying, "We played the flute for you, but you would not dance" (Matt 11). There was something very non-religious in Jesus that laughter, celebration and humor is part of. Hopefully, these jokes, stories and quips will help make your day more merry as you walk with the Lord Jesus through this world.

Francis

May 2019

May 31, 2019 - Life
Civilization makes it possible for you to live off other persons instead of off the land.


May 30, 2019 - Decisions
I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not sure.”


May 27, 2019 - Baby News
The couple had been married about a year when one day the woman came running up to her husband jumping for joy. Not knowing how to react, the husband started jumping up and down along with her. "Why are we so happy?" he asked.

"Honey, I have some really great news for you!" she said.

"Great" he said, "tell me what you're so happy about."

She stopped jumping and was breathless from all the jumping up and down. "I'm pregnant!" she gasped.

The husband was ecstatic as they had been trying for a while. He grabbed her, kissed her, and started telling her how wonderful it was, and that he couldn't be happier.

Then she said "Oh, Honey there's more."

"What do you mean more?", he asked.

"Well we are not having just one baby, we are going to have TWINS!"

Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, he asked her how she knew.

"It was easy" she said, "I went to the pharmacy and bought the 2 pack home pregnancy test kit and both tests came out positive!"


May 26, 2019 -Animal Crackers

When the mother returned from the grocery store, her small son pulled out the box of animal crackers he had begged for, then he spread the animal-shaped crackers all over the kitchen counter.

"What are you doing?" his Mom asked.

"The box says you can't eat them if the seal is broken," the boy explained. "I'm looking for the seal."


May 25, 2019 -Library Confusion
The college football player knew his way around the locker room better than he did the library, so when the librarian saw the gridiron star roaming the stacks looking confused, she asked how she could help.

"I have to read a play by Shakespeare," he said.

"Which one?" she asked.

Still scanning the shelves, he answered, "William."


May 24, 2019 -Census Taker
An old man was sitting on his porch, when a young man walked up with a pad and pencil in his hand.

"What are you selling, young man?" he asked.

"I'm not selling anything, sir," the young man replied. "I'm the census taker."

"A what?" the man asked.

"A census taker. We are trying to find out how many people are in the United States."

"Well," the man answered, "you're wasting your time with me; I have no idea."


May 23, 2019 -Mischievous Grandkids
My daughter spent the night over at my mom's house one weekend. She is 3 and full of mischief.

My mom told her, "You must behave if you want to stay again overnight.”

My daughter looked at her and said, "Yes your Majesty Princess Gramma of Coolness!"


May 20, 2019 - Golfer's Tale
A group of golfers were telling tall stories. At last came a veteran's turn. "Well," he said, "I once drove a ball, accidentally of course, through a cottage window. The ball knocked over an oil lamp and the place caught on fire!"

"What did you do?" asked his friends.

"Oh," said the veteran, "I immediately teed up another ball, took careful aim, and hit the fire alarm on Main Street. That brought out the fire engine before any major damage was done."


May 19, 2019 - Raisin Bran Crime
Two police officers respond to a crime scene behind a grocery store. The homicide detective is already there.

"What happened?" asks the first officer.

"Male, about twenty-five, covered in Raisin Bran and dead as a doornail."

"Good grief," says the second officer. "Didn't we have one covered in Frosted Flakes yesterday? And Captain Crunch last week?"

"You're right. I'm afraid," said the detective as he took a drag from his cigar, "this is the work of a cereal killer."


May 18, 2019 - Self-Confidence Test
Are you confident in your self-confidence? Try this test.

First Question:
You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in?


May 17, 2019 - Ah, Mozart
A married couple trying to live up to a snobbish lifestyle went to a party. The conversation turned to Mozart. "Absolutely brilliant, magnificent, a genius!"

The woman, wanting to join in the conversation, remarked casually, "Ah, Mozart. You're so right. I love him. Only this morning I saw him getting on the No. 5 bus going to Coney Island."

There was a sudden hush, and everyone looked at her. Her husband was mortified. He pulled her away and whispered, "We're leaving right now. Get your coat and let's get out of here."

As they drove home, he kept muttering to himself. Finally his wife turned to him. "You're angry about something."

"Oh really? You noticed?" he sneered. "I've never been so embarrassed in my life! You saw Mozart take the No. 5 bus to Coney Island? You goober! Don't you know the No. 5 bus doesn't go out to Coney Island?"


May 16, 2019 - Sandwich Perfection
As ham sandwiches go, it was perfection. A thick slab of ham, a fresh bun, crisp lettuce and plenty of expensive, light brown, gourmet mustard.

The corners of my jaw aching in anticipation, I carried it to the picnic table in our backyard, picked it up with both hands but was stopped by my wife suddenly at my side.

"Hold Johnny, (our six-week-old son), while I get my sandwich," she said.

I had him balanced between my left elbow and shoulder and was reaching again for the ham sandwich when I noticed a streak of mustard on my fingers. I love mustard. And I had no napkin. I licked it off.

It was NOT mustard.

No man ever put a baby down faster. It was the first and only time I have sprinted with my tongue protruding. With a washcloth in each hand I did the sort of routine shoeshine guys do, only I did it on my tongue.

Later my wife said, "Now you know why they call that mustard 'Poupon.'"


May 13, 2019 - Success

At age 4 success is . . . . Not piddling in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . Having friends.
At age 17 success is . . Having a driver's license.
At age 35 success is . . . ..having money.
At age 50 success is . . . Having money..
At age 70 success is . .. . Having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . .. . Having friends.
At age 80 success is . . .. Not piddling in your pants.


May 12, 2019 - Train Track
You can be on the right track and still get hit by a train!


May 11, 2019 - Respect
Watch carefully how your date treats servers and other workers; it's how you're going to get treated in six months.”


May 10, 2019 - More Laughs

On a very cold, snowy Sunday in February, only the pastor and one farmer arrived at the village church. The pastor said, "Well, I guess we won't have a service today." The farmer replied: "Heck, if even only one cow shows up at feeding time, I feed it." The pastor continued with the full service - including a 40 minute sermon. On the way out the farmer said, "I said I would still feed the one cow - not feed him the whole herds food."

During a children's sermon, Rev. Larry Eisenberg asked the children what "Amen" means. A little boy raised his hand and said: "It means - 'Tha-tha-tha-that's all folks!' "

A student was asked to list the 10 Commandments in any order. His answer? "3, 6, 1, 8, 4, 5, 9, 2, 10, 7".

I was at the beach with my children when my four-year-old son ran up to me, grabbed my hand, and led me to the shore, where a sea gull lay dead in the sand. "Mommy, what happened to him?" the little boy asked. "He died and went to Heaven," I replied. My son thought a moment and then said, "And God threw him back down?"


May 9, 2019 - Train Candy Bar
Little Johnny and his friend Billy were on their very first train ride, with Billy's mother.

A vendor came down the corridor selling a candy bar that neither had ever seen before. Billy's mom bought each one of them a bar.

Little Johnny eagerly tore open the wrapper and bit a bit off into his mouth just as the train went into a tunnel. When the train emerged from the tunnel, he looked across at Billy and said: "I wouldn't eat that if I were you."

"Why not?" asked Billy.

Little Johnny replied, "I took one bite and went blind for half a minute."


May 6, 2019 - Trusting the Pilot
On a recent flight, an elderly passenger kept peering out the window. Since it was totally dark, all she could see was the blinking wing-tip light. Finally, she rang for the flight attendant.

"I'm sorry to bother you," she said, "but I think you should inform the pilot that his left-turn indicator is on and has been for some time."


May 5, 2019 - Over the Hill
Once over the hill, you pick up speed.


May 4, 2019 - Stolen Goose
Confessor: I have stolen a fat goose from a poultry yard!

Priest: That is very wrong.

Confessor: Would you like to accept it, Father?

Priest: Certainly not- return it to the man whom you stole it from.

Confessor: But I have offered it to him and he won't have it.

Priest: In that case you may keep it yourself.

Confessor: Thank you, Father.

The Priest arrived home to find one of his geese had been stolen...


May 3, 2019 - Heavenly Rates
A man dies and goes to heaven. Of course, St. Peter meets him at the pearly gates. St. Peter says, "Here's how it works. You need 100 points to make it into heaven. You tell me all the good things you've done, and I give you a certain number of points for each item, depending on how good it was. When you reach 100 points, you get in."

"Okay," the man says, "I was married to the same woman for 50 years and never cheated on her, even in my heart."

"That's wonderful," says St. Peter, "that's worth three points!"

"Three points?" he says. "Well, I attended church all my life and supported its ministry with my tithe and service."

"Terrific!" says St. Peter, "that's certainly worth a point."

"One point? Golly. How about this: I started a soup kitchen in my city and worked in a shelter for homeless veterans."

"Fantastic, that's good for two more points," he says.

"TWO POINTS!!" the man cries, "At this rate the only way I get into heaven is by the grace of God!"

"Come on in!"


May 2, 2019 - Kicking
When a fellow is kicking, he has only one leg to stand on.

April 2019

April - 29, 2019 - Suspense
Not only am I a master of suspense, but I . . .”


April 28, 2019 - Humor
“If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably don't have any sense at all.”

The Strangest and most Beautiful Streets in the World


April 27, 2019 - Great Truths That Little Children Have Learned:

1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats..
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food..
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair..
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandma's lap.


April 26, 2019 - Great Truths That Adults Have Learned:
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground...
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy..


April 25, 2019 - Great Truths About Growing Old

1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional...
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions...
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.


April 22, 2019 - DIY Complications

The middle-aged man was shuffling along, bent over at the waist, as his wife helped him into the doctor's waiting room. A woman in the office viewed the scene in sympathy. "Arthritis with complications?" she asked.

The wife shook her head, "No. Do-it-yourself," she explained, "with concrete blocks."


April 21, 2019 - Child's Play

When my wife quit work to take care of our new baby daughter, countless hours of peek-a-boo and other games slowly took their toll.

One evening she smacked her bare toes on the corner of a dresser and, grabbing her foot, sank to the floor. I rushed to her side and asked where it hurt.

She looked at me through tear-filled eyes and managed to moan, "It's the piggy that ate roast beef."


April 20, 2019 - Sidewalk Meeting
Bumping into a woman on the sidewalk, the Tom Cruise look-alike apologized, "Pardon me!"

"That's quite all right," the woman replied. "You look just like my fourth husband."

"Wow!" he said. "How many times have you been married?"

She winked at him and said, "Three."


April 19, 2019 - Marital Faithfulness

A man approached a very beautiful woman in a large supermarket and said, "You know, I've lost my wife somewhere in this huge supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"

"Why?" she asks.

"Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife suddenly appears out of nowhere and I'm tired of looking for her!"


April 18, 2019 - Passwords
My kids love going to the Web, and they keep track of their passwords by writing them on Post-it notes.

I noticed their Disney password was "MickeyMinnieGoofyPluto," and so I asked why it was so long.

"Because," my son explained, "they say it has to have at least four characters."


April 15, 2019 - Cough Remedy

The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against the wall. The owner asks the clerk "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"

The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."

The owner screams, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with a bottle of laxative!"

The clerk replies, "Of course you can! Look at him. He's too afraid to cough!"


April 14, 2019 - Thirteen Year-Olds
"Doctor, I'd like you to evaluate my 13 year-old son."

"OK: He's suffering from a transient psychosis with an intermittent rage disorder, punctuated by episodic radical mood swings, but his prognosis is good for full recovery."

"How can you say all that without even meeting him?"

"I thought you said he's 13?"


April 13, 2019 - A Touch of Home
Although we were being married in New Hampshire, I wanted to add a touch of my home state, Kansas, to the wedding. My fiancee, explaining this to a friend, said that we were planning to have wheat rather than rice thrown after the ceremony.

Our friend thought for a moment. Then he said solemnly, "It's a good thing she's not from Idaho."


April 12, 2019 - Lost Pigs
Howard County Police officers still write their reports by hand, and the data is entered later by a computer tech into their database. One theft report stated that a farmer had lost 2,025 pigs. Thinking that to be an error, the tech called the farmer directly.

"Is it true Mr. (Smith) that you lost 2,025 pigs?" she asked.

"Yeth." lisped the farmer.

Being a Howard County girl herself, the tech entered:

"Subject lost 2 sows and 25 pigs."


April 11, 2019 - Clean House
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the drive before it has stopped snowing.”


April 11, 2019 - Decision
A company was hiring new staff. One question in the written exam was:

You are driving your car in a wild stormy night. You pass by a bus station, and you see three people waiting for the bus: an old lady who looks as if she is about to die, a doctor who had once saved your life, a man/woman you have been dreaming to be with. You can only take one passenger in your car. Which one will you choose? Please explain your answer.

Think about it before you continue reading.

This must be some kind of personality test. Every answer has its reasoning.

You could pick up the old lady. She is going to die, and thus you should save her first. You could take the doctor, because he once saved your life. This will be the perfect chance to pay him back. However, you could always pay the doctor back in the future, but you may never be able to find the perfect love once you pass this chance.

The candidate who was eventually hired (out of 200 applicants) did not have to explain his answer.

WHAT DID HE SAY?

He simply answered: "Give the car key to the doctor. Let him take the old lady to the hospital. I will stay and wait for the bus with the man/woman of my dreams."

Sometimes, we would gain more if we were able to give up our stubborn limitations.


April 8, 2019 - Intercom Repair
My friend's son worked at a fast-food restaurant when he was in high school.

One night while he was manning the drive-thru, a customer told him that the Intercom wasn't working properly. My friend's son went about filling the order while a female co-worker fiddled with the intercom.

She asked, "Is that okay now?"

"Well, no," the customer replied. "Now you sound like a girl."


April 7, 2019 - Notary
I was the editor of a small daily newspaper. Someone came into the newsroom and asked if anyone was a notary public.

One not too bright reporter said, "I guess I am. I voted that way in the last election.”


April 6, 2019 - Top Ten Signs That You Are Webbed Out
10. Your opening line is, "So what's your home page address?"

9. Your best friend is someone you've never met.

8. You see a beautiful sunset, and you half expect to see "Best viewed in Firefox" on one of the clouds.

7. You are overcome with disbelief, anger and finally depressed when you encounter a Web page with no links.

6. You feel driven to consult the "Cool Page of the Day" on your wedding day.

5. You are driving on a dark and rainy night when you hydroplane on puddle, sending your car careening toward the flimsy guard rail that separates you from the precipice of a rocky cliff and certain death. You look for the "Back" button.

4. You visit "The Really Big Button that Doesn't Do Anything" again and again and again.

3. Your dog has his own Web page.

2. So does your hamster.

... and the No. 1 sign that you have overdosed on the WWW:

When you read a magazine, you have an irresistible urge to click on the underlined passages.


April 5, 2019 - "Taa-Daa!"
A magician calls a man up on stage, hands him a mallet, and instructs the guy to hit him hard on the head.

The magician then puts his head down on a wooden block.

The man shrugs his shoulders and pounds him.

Three years later, the magician wakes up from a coma in hospital and goes "Taa-Daa!"


April 4, 2019 - Bedside Manner
The doctor was making his rounds and walked into the semi-private room in the hospital to examine old Mrs. Williams.

After the exam in his best professional voice, he said smoothly, "You are coughing much more easily this morning."

"I should," snapped the patient. "I've been practicing all night."


April 1, 2019 -  Everybody and Nobody

This is a little story about four people named
Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody.

There was an important job to be done and
Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it.

Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it.
Somebody got angry about that
because it was Everybody's job.

Everybody thought that Anybody could do it,
but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it.

It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when
Nobody did what Anybody could have done.

March 2019

March 31, 2019 - Growing Up Speaking English
Some reasons to be grateful if you grew up speaking English:

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
8) At the Army base, a bass was painted on the head of a bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) After a number of Novocain injections, my jaw got number.
19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
22) I spent last evening evening out a pile of dirt.


March 30, 2019 - Nervous Preacher
A new preacher had just begun his sermon. He was a little nervous and about ten minutes into the talk his mind went blank. He remembered some advice they gave him in seminary school for when a situation like this arose -- repeat your last point. Often this will help you remember what should come next. So he gave it a try.

"Behold, I come quickly," he said. Still his mind was blank. So he tried again, "Behold, I come quickly!" Still nothing.

He tried once more, this time with so much vehemence that he tripped over his microphone wire and fell off the stage, right into the lap of a little old lady in the front row.

The young preacher was very embarrassed and tried to apologize, and the woman replied, "That's all right, young man. It was my fault...I should have gotten out of the way. You told me three times you were coming!"


March 29, 2019 - Meatloaf
A recent bride called her mother one evening in tears.

"Oh, Mom, I tried to make Grandma's meat loaf for dinner tonight, and it's just awful! I followed the recipe exactly, and I know I have the recipe right because it's the one you gave me. But it just didn't come out right, and I'm so upset. I wanted this to be so special for George because he loves meat loaf. What could have gone wrong?"

Her mother replied soothingly, "Well, dear, let's go through the recipe. You read it out loud and tell me exactly what you did at each step, and together we'll figure it out."

"Okay," the bride sniffled. "Well, it starts out, 'Take fifty cents worth of ground beef'…………."


March 28, 2019 - Guilty Pleasure
It was moving day. The previous owners were going to finish moving out that morning, and we were going to start moving in that afternoon.

We showed up just as they were finishing up, around lunchtime. The couple was sitting down for a breather before they left. The wife suggested to her husband that they go to McDonald's for lunch. She told us with guilty pleasure, "I know it's not good for me, but I just love burgers and fries."

Her husband had a somewhat disgusted look on his face. He told us, in all seriousness, "Not me. I'm a meat and potatoes man."


March 25, 2019 - A Deeper Problem
Little Johnny had been bringing his drawings home from kindergarten every day since he started a month ago. Each day his mother admired the pictures and hung them on the refrigerator. One thing started bothering her. Little Johnny only used black and browns for his drawings. Fearing a problem and not wanting it to get worse, she decided to take him to a child psychologist.

The psychologist delicately went to work. He gave Little Johnny a battery of psychological tests. He chatted with Little Johnny. Everything seemed perfectly normal. Every day for two weeks, the tests continued. Yet everyday, Little Johnny continued to bring home drawings in only blacks and browns.

Frustrated at not being able to get to the root of the problem and fearful that something was terribly wrong, the child psychologist decided to give Little Johnny some paper and a box of crayons and observe what happened.

Little Johnny opened the box of crayons and said, "Oh, Boy! A new box of crayons! At school we only have old boxes. The only ones left in mine are black and brown!"


March 24, 2019 - Tower Time

The Italian government is considering installing a clock in the Leaning Tower of Pisa. The reason? What good is it if you have the inclination, but you don't have the time?


March 23, 2019 - Math Ticket

Rushing to work, I was driving too fast and as a result was pulled over by the highway patrol. The state trooper noticed that my shirt had the name of a local high school on it. "I teach math there," I explained.

The trooper smiled, and said, "Okay, here's a problem. A teacher is speeding down the highway at 16 m.p.h. over the limit. At $12 for every mile, plus $40 court costs, plus the rise in her insurance, what's her total cost?"

I replied, "Taking that total, subtracting the low salary I receive, multiplying by the number of kids who hate math, then adding to that the fact that none of us would be anywhere without teachers, I'd say zero."

He handed me back my license. "Math was never my favorite subject," he admitted. "Please slow down."


March 22, 2019 - Cover All Exits!
During a bank robbery the police chief told the sergeant to cover all exits so the robbers could not get away.

Later the sergeant reports to the chief, "Sorry sir, but they got away."

The chief, very disappointed, says, "I told you to cover all exits."

"I did," replied the sergeant, "But they got away through the entrance."


March 21, 2019 - Do You Think I'll Find…?

A four-year-old was at the pediatrician for a check up. As the doctor looked in her ears, he asked, "Do you think I'll find Big Bird in here?"

The little girl stayed silent.

Next, the doctor took a tongue depressor and looked down her throat. He asked, "Do you think I'll find the Cookie Monster down there?"

Again, the little girl was silent.

Then the doctor put a stethoscope to her chest. As he listened to her heartbeat, he asked, "Do you think I'll hear Barney in there?"

"Oh, no!" the little girl replied. "Jesus is in my heart. Barney's on my underpants."


March 18, 2019 - Stranded on a Desert Island
A ragged individual stranded for several months on a small desert island in the middle of the Pacific Ocean noticed a bottle lying in the sand with a piece of paper in it.

Rushing to the bottle, he pulled out the cork and with shaking hands withdrew the message.

"Due to lack of maintenance," he read, "we regretfully have found it necessary to cancel your e-mail account."


March 17, 2019 - Fishing Mirror
A fisherman from the city was out fishing on a lake in a small boat. He noticed another man in a small boat open his tackle box and take out a mirror. Being curious the man rowed over and asked, "What is the mirror for?"

"That's my secret way to catch fish," said the other man. "Shine the mirror on the top of the water. The fish notice the spot of sun on the water above and they swim to the surface. Then I just reach down and net them and pull them into the boat."

"Wow! Does that really work?"

"You bet it does."

"Would you be interested in selling that mirror? I'll give you $30 for it."

"Well, okay."

After the money was transferred, the city fisherman asked, "By the way, how many fish have you caught this week?"

"You're the sixth," he said.


March 16, 2019 - Efficiency

An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You don't want to try these techniques at home."

"Why not?" asked somebody from the audience.

"I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained.

"She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, 'Hon, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'"

"Did it save time?" the guy in the audience asked.

"Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in seven."


March 15, 2019 - Electrical Officer

My daughter is an electrical officer on a carrier. Recently I asked her what her duties were. She answered, "To fix electrical problems."

When I asked what was considered an electrical problem on a carrier, she replied, "Anything you can't fix with a hammer."


March 14, 2019 - God Knows Us

A golfer, now into his golden years, had a lifelong ambition to play one hole at Pebble Beach, California the way the pros do it. The pros drive the ball out over the water onto the green that is on a spit of land that juts out off the coast.

It was something he had tried hundreds of times without success. His ball always fell short, into the ocean. Because of this he never used a new ball on this particular hole. He always picked out one that had a cut or a nick.

Recently he went to Pebble Beach to try again. When he came to the fateful hole, he teed up an old cut ball and said a silent prayer.

Before he hit it however, a powerful voice from above said, "WAIT...REPLACE THAT OLD BALL WITH A BRAND-NEW BALL."

He complied, with some slight misgiving, despite the fact that the Lord seemed to be implying that He was going to let him finally achieve his lifelong ambition.

As he stepped up to the tee once more, the voice came down again: "WAIT...STEP BACK... TAKE A PRACTICE SWING."

So he stepped back and took a practice swing.

The voice boomed out again, "TAKE ANOTHER PRACTICE SWING."

He did. Silence followed.

Then the voice spoke out again: "PUT BACK THE OLD BALL."


March 11, 2019 -Weddings and Funerals
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next."

They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.


March 10, 2019 -Rock Store
A rock store was closed by the police -- they were taking too much for granite.


March 9, 2019 - Curiosity
Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

Waiting for an elevator at a local hospital, I was standing next to a maintenance person holding a bicycle pump.

Noticing my curious stares, he looked at me and remarked with a smile, "It's the newest HMO oxygen program."


March 8, 2019 - Morning Kiss
A farmer and his wife had just awakened one morning to the crowing of their rooster. While still in bed, the farmer's wife says, "Pa, you know our neighbor Mr. Jones?"

"Yes Ma, I reckon I do," replied the sleepy farmer.

"Well, every morning before he leaves the house for work, he gives his wife a big ol' kiss. Why don't you ever do that? "

The farmer sighed and said, "Well, I reckon I can, but I just don't know her very well."


March 7, 2019 - Best 'Out of Office' Automatic E-mail Replies
1. I am currently out of the office at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Please be prepared for my mood.

2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.

3. Sorry to have missed you, but I'm at the doctor's having my brain and heart removed so I can be promoted to our management team.

4. I will be unable to delete all the e-mails you send me until I return from vacation. Please be patient, and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.

5. Thank you for your e-mail. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first 10 words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.

6. The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection. Your message has not been delivered. Please restart your computer and try sending again. (The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see who did this over and over and over....)

7. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.

8. Hi, I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.

9. I've run away to join a different circus.


March 4, 2019 - Nervousness
Part of my job as a 911 dispatcher is to interrogate callers who are in various states of panic so I can send the appropriate emergency equipment.One day a woman called to say that a family member had fallen and needed to go to a hospital.After finding out where she lived and assuring her that the paramedics would arrive shortly, I asked her, "Do you know what caused the fall?""No," the woman nervously replied. "What?"


March 3, 2019 - Fly Problem
My husband is a doctor, and he received an emergency call from a patient.She had a fly in her ear. He suggested an old home remedy. "Pour warm olive oil into your ear and lie down for a few minutes," he said. "When you lift your head the fly should emerge with the liquid."The patient thought that sounded like a good idea, but she still asked, "Into which ear should I pour the oil?"


March 2, 2019 - Tennis Ball Lesson

A college professor had the mysterious habit of removing a tennis ball from his jacket pocket as he walked into the lecture hall each morning. He would set it on the corner of the podium. After giving the lecture for the day, he would once again pick up the tennis ball, place it into his jacket pocket, and leave the room.No one ever understood why he did this, until one day ...A student fell asleep during the lecture. The professor didn't miss a word of his lecture while he walked over to the podium, picked up the tennis ball, and threw it, hitting the sleeping student squarely on the top of the head.The next day, the professor walked into the room, reached into his jacket, removed a baseball ...

No one ever fell asleep in his class the rest of the semester!


March 1, 2019 - Loudest Band
For two years I managed a group of musicians who proudly labeled themselves "the loudest rock 'n roll band in L.A." One night, during a particularly rowdy and raucous rehearsal, the group took a break. Rubbing one ear, the lead singer asked, "Hey, are you guys losing your hearing?"

The bass player shrugged and, pointing to his forehead, replied, "Well, maybe just a little on top."

February 2019

February 28, 2019 - Stolen Goose
Confessor: I have stolen a fat goose from a poultry yard!

Priest: That is very wrong.

Confessor: Would you like to accept it, Father?

Priest: Certainly not- return it to the man whom you stole it from.

Confessor: But I have offered it to him and he won't have it.

Priest: In that case you may keep it yourself.

Confessor: Thank you, Father.

The Priest arrived home to find one of his geese had been stolen...


February 25, 2019 - Special Delivery
It was 6 p.m., and I was about to leave the coin laundry where I was employed. My boss called me over and asked if I would mind dropping off someone's laundry on my way home. "It's for my cousin," she apologized, "who's eight months pregnant and can't get out much anymore." I cheerfully agreed and, driving to the address, knocked at the door. A little girl, the sister-to-be, answered.

"Hi, there," I said with a big smile. "Is your mommy home?" Holding up the white bundle of clothes, I explained, "I have a delivery for her."

The child's mouth dropped, and her eyes went wide. "Mom!" She shrieked, "come quick! It's the stork!"


February 24, 2019 - A Visit From the Pastor
A member of a certain church, who previously had been attending services regularly, suddenly stopped coming to church. After a few weeks, the Pastor decided to visit. The Pastor found the man at home alone, sitting before a blazing fire.

Guessing the reason for his Pastor's visit, the man welcomed him, led him to a comfortable chair near the fireplace and waited. The pastor made himself at home but said nothing. In the grave silence, he contemplated the dance of the flames around the burning logs.

After some minutes, the Pastor took the fire tongs, carefully picked up a brightly burning ember and placed it to one side of the hearth all alone. Then he sat back in his chair, still silent. The host watched all this in quiet contemplation. As the one lone ember's flame flickered and diminished, there was a momentary glow and then its fire was no more. Soon it was cold and lifeless.

The Pastor glanced at his watch and realized it was time to leave, he slowly stood up, picked up the cold, dead ember and placed it back in the middle of the fire. Immediately it began to glow, once more with the light and warmth of the burning coals around it.

As the Pastor reached the door to leave, his host said with a tear running down his cheek, "Thank you so much for your visit and especially for the fiery sermon. I shall be back in church next Sunday."

We live in a world today which tries to say too much with too little. Consequently, few listen.

Sometimes the best sermons are the ones left unspoken. What silent message would God have you share with someone today?

"Let your light shine before men in such a way that they may see your good works and glorify your Father which is in heaven."

~ Matthew 5:16


February 23, 2019 - Inclusive Poster
Anxious to include as many minorities, religions and disabilities as possible, the human resources department of the University of Alberta has put up a Braille poster outside its main office. The poster has been placed inside a display case with a glass front.

This is brought to you by the same geniuses who put Braille instructions on the drive up window at the bank.


February 22, 2019 - Investing Advice
Jim was having reasonable success playing the stock market when George expressed a desire to give it a try.

Jim advised him on what stocks to buy, what to stay clear of, etc. In his list of "pointers" was the fact that George should invest only small sums.

But George threw caution to the wind and six months later, sent an e-mail to Jim. It said, "So much for your pointers. Now, send me some retrievers!"


February 21, 2019 - Biblical Endorsements
What if Biblical characters could be recruited as product endorsers?

For Match.com - Noah: "We can find a mate for anything. Why not you?"

For Excedrin - Moses: "Take two tablets and call me in the morning."

For Dell - Adam and Eve: "No Apples for us. We learned the hard way."

For AARP - Methuselah: "Life begins at 960!


February 18, 2019 - Miracles
A mother was watching her four year-old son playing outside in a small plastic pool half-filled with water. He was happily walking back and forth across the pool, making big splashes.

Suddenly, the little boy stopped, stepped out of the pool, and began to scoop water out of the pool with a pail.

"Why are you pouring the water out, dear?" asked the mother.

"Because my teacher said Jesus walked on water, and this water doesn't work," he replied.


February 17, 2019 - Mirror Honesty
A husband and wife are getting ready for bed. The wife is standing in front of a full length mirror taking a hard look at herself.

"You know, dear," she says, "I look in the mirror and I see an old woman. My face is all wrinkled, every thing else is either sagging or bloated. I've got fat legs, and my arms are all flabby."

She turns to her husband and says, "Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself."

He studies hard for a moment thinking about it and then says in a soft, thoughtful voice, "Well, there's nothing wrong with your eyesight."

Services for the husband will be held Saturday morning at 10:30 AM at Morris Memorial Chapel. Female friends of the family are invited.


February 16, 2019 - Emergency Notification
Employment applications always ask who is to be notified in case of an emergency; I think you should write "911"!


February 15, 2019 - Work Excellence
One of my first assignments as a trainee in an auto-body shop was a car needing a new fender and some door repairs.

I spent hours doing a perfect job, but when the owner came to pick it up, he wasn't pleased.

"What's wrong?" I asked.

Pointing to the side of the car, he complained about the paint not matching, uneven gaps between panels, and a host of other problems. He demanded an explanation.

"The repairs were to the other side," I noted.


February 14, 2019 - Public Servant Sentence
"Write a sentence about a public servant," said the teacher.

The small boy wrote, "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant."

The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked.

"Sure," said the young boy confidently. "It means carrying a child."


February 11, 2019 - An Email From God

One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the evil that was going on. He decided to send an angel down to Earth to check it out. So he called one of His best angels and sent the angel to Earth for a time.

When she returned she told God, yes it is bad on Earth, 95% is bad and 5% is good.

Well, he thought for a moment and said, maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another point of view.

So God called another angel and sent her to Earth for a time too.

When the angel returned she went to God and told him yes, the Earth was in decline, 95% was bad and 5% was good.

God said this was not good. So He decided to email the 5% that were good and He wanted to encourage them, give them a little something to help them keep going.

Do you know what that email said????

You didn't get one either,.....huh?


February 10, 2019 - A Special Hymn
A preacher was completing a temperance sermon; with great expression he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."

With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."

And then finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."
He sat down.

The song leader then stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn # 365: "Shall We Gather at the River."


February 9, 2019 - False Illusions
A man who had died was waiting at heavens gate to enter the kingdom of God. He had lived a perfect life and had a clear idea in his mind what heaven would be like. He had foregone all the earthly pleasures and just knew his rewards were going to be great. He had gone over repeatedly in his mind how much great fun he was going to have in heaven.

As he was waiting, he saw a cloud pass by. As the cloud got closer, he saw people on the cloud having a great time. They were singing, dancing, and having great fun. They were dining on exquisite food, wearing the best clothes, and drinking the best wines, and laughter and merriment echoed through the sky. Yes, that was what he had expected it would be like.

His escort arrived at the gate. The escort told the man that he had lived a good life and he was going to now take him to his new home. The man said, "If it is all the same to you, I would like to live on that cloud!" The escort told the man that it was not possible and that what awaited him was far greater anyway. However, the man persisted so the escort asked him to wait while he went to talk to the "Boss". Upon returning, the escort stated the "Boss" had always allowed people to choose but made it clear that he would be much happier in his originally intended home. The man replied, "I have often thought of what heaven would be like and forgone the pleasures on earth to get my reward here, so if it’s all the same to you, I want to live on that cloud." The escort sighed, and then granted his wish.

In an instant, the man was standing in the hottest, smelliest, and most disgusting place he had ever seen in his whole life. The strange noises were blood curdling and the whole place was chaos. He was in Hell.

An escort arrived to take him to his job. "Job?" the man replied. "Yes, we work hard down here," said the escort. There must be some mistake; the place I requested was a nice cloud with people singing, dancing, and having the best time of their life!" The escort looked puzzled at first and then started laughing hysterically. The man asked why the escort was laughing so hard. The escort replied, "You new people are so funny- you think you can show up here and get an assignment in the advertising department! You think you can get a promotion like that right away!"


February 8, 2019 - The Rich Man

There once was a rich man who was near death. He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him.

An angel heard his plea and appeared to him. "Sorry, but you can't take your wealth with you."

The man begged the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules. The man continued to pray that his wealth could follow him.

The angel reappeared and informed the man that God had decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathered his largest suitcase and filled it with pure gold bars and placed it beside his bed.

Soon afterward, he died and showed up at the gates of heaven to greet St. Peter.

St. Peter, seeing the suitcase, said, "Hold on, you can't bring that in here!"

The man explained to St. Peter that he had permission and asked him to verify his story with the Lord.

Sure enough, St. Peter checked it out, came back and said, "You're right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I'm supposed to check its contents before letting it through."

St. Peter opened the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaimed, "You brought pavement?"


February 7, 2019 - Bathroom Facilities
There was a nice lady, a minister's widow, who was a little old fashioned. She was planning a week's vacation in California at Skylake Yosemite campground (Bass Lake, to the uninitiated), but she wanted to make sure of the accommodation first. Uppermost in her mind were bathroom facilities, but she couldn't bring herself to write "toilet" in a letter. After considerable deliberation, she settled on "bathroom commode," but when she wrote that down, it still sounded too forward, so, after the first page of her letter, she referred to the bathroom commode as "BC." "Does the cabin where I will be staying have its own 'BC'? If not, where is the 'BC' located?" is what she actually wrote.

The campground owner took the first page of the letter and the lady's check and gave it to his secretary. He put the remainder of the letter on the desk of the senior member of his staff without noticing that the staffer would have no way of knowing what "BC" meant. Then the owner went off to town to run some errands.

The staff member came in after lunch, found the letter, and was baffled by the euphemism, so he showed the letter around to several counselors, but they couldn't decipher it either. The staff member's wife, who knew that the lady was the widow of a famous Baptist preacher, was sure that it must be a question about the local Baptist Church. "Of course," the first staffer exclaimed, "'BC' stands for 'Baptist Church.' " And he sat down and wrote:

Dear Madam,
I regret very much the delay in answering your letter, but I now take the pleasure in informing you that the BC is located nine miles north of the campground and is capable of seating 250 people at one time. I admit it is quite a distance away if you are in the habit of going regularly, but no doubt you will be pleased to know that a great number of people take their lunches along and make a day of it. They usually arrive early and stay late.

The last time my wife and I went was six years ago, and it was so crowded we had to stand up the whole time we were there. It may interest you to know that right now there is a supper planned to raise money to buy more seats. They are going to hold it in the basement of the 'BC.'

I would like to say that it pains me very much not to be able to go more regularly, but it is surely no lack of desire on my part. As we grow older, it seems to be more of an effort, particularly in cold weather.

If you decide to come down to our campground, perhaps I could go with you the first time, sit with you, and introduce you to all the folks. Remember, this is a friendly community."


February 4, 2019 - Swallowed Coins
A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital.

When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, "No change yet."


February 3, 2019 - If you're even half-way old, you will remember when:

* Your computer's ready-mode was a black screen with a single cursor, and there was no such thing as Windows; there was just "DOS."

* Your phone choices and bills were much easier because AT&T was a good old-fashioned monopoly.

* There was this amazing new video game called "Pong" and you thought it had the most advanced graphics imaginable.

* The first true laptop computer was a Radio Shack TRS-80. If you were hip, you referred to it affectionately as a TRASH-80.

* Sean Connery was Pierce Brosnan.

* The astonishing mobility was a cordless phone you could take around the house; it got better reception than the one you can now take all over the country.

* Mail was something you wrote on a piece of paper and put into a stamped envelope. And you didn't get 110 unsolicited pieces of it every morning promising great riches or body enhancements.

* There was a guy on "60 Minutes" named Mike Wallace who was so old you figured he'd retire at the latest by 1990.

* No normal person had speakers on a computer.

* The diners at the next restaurant table were smoking cigarettes and you barely noticed.

* A 1-gig hard drive seemed as big as a warehouse.

* The only thing you knew about Robin Williams was he played a weird alien named "Mork" on television.

* An 8-track tape the size of a paperback book was an advanced concept in compact music recording.

* And jokes were always told in person!


February 2, 2019 - Father Murphy

Father Murphy walked into a pub and said to the first man he met, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
The man replied, "I do Father."
The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."
Then the priest asked a second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.
The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."
Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."
The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."


February 1, 2019 - Well, if it's that obvious to a child...
A man had a habit of grumbling at the food his wife placed before him at family meals. Then he would ask the blessing.
One day after his usual combination complaint-prayer, his little girl asked, "Daddy, does God hear us when we pray?"

"Then which does God believe?"

January 2019

January 31, 2019 - Exam Assistance
In the examination paper, the professor wanted us to sign a form stating that we had not received any outside assistance. Unsure of whether he should sign the form, a student stated that he had prayed for the assistance of God.

The professor carefully studied the answer script and then said, "You can sign it with a clear conscience. God did not assist you."


January 28, 2019 - Blackmail
Little Johnnie desperately wanted a bright red wagon for Christmas.

His friends were writing letters to Santa Claus, but Johnnie decided to go one better.

"Dear Jesus," he wrote. "If I get a red wagon for Christmas, I won't fight with my brother Hank for a year." Then Johnnie thought, Oh, no, Hank is such a brat, I could never, ever keep that promise. So Johnnie threw away the letter and started again.

"Dear Jesus, if I get a red wagon for Christmas, I will eat all my vegetables for a year." Then Johnnie thought, Oh, no, that means spinach, broccoli and asparagus. Yuck! I could never ever keep that promise.

Suddenly Johnnie had an idea. He went downstairs to the living room. From the mantel above the fireplace, he grabbed the family's statue of the Virgin Mary. Taking the statue to the kitchen he wrapped it in newspapers and stuffed it into a grocery bag. He took the bag upstairs to his room, opened the closet and placed the package in the farthest, darkest corner.

He then closed the closet door, took a new sheet of paper and wrote, "Dear Jesus, if you ever want to see your mother again..."


January 27, 2019 - From a 3-year-old
"Our Father, Who does art in heaven, Harold is His name. Amen."


January 26, 2019 - Cost of a Sermon
One beautiful Sunday morning, a priest announced to his congregation: "My good people, I have here in my hands three sermons...a $100 sermon that lasts five minutes, a $50 sermon that lasts fifteen minutes, and a $10 sermon that lasts a full hour.

"Now, we'll take the collection and see which one I'll deliver."


January 25, 2019 - A Special Find
A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, and looked at the old pages as he turned them.

Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible, and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed in between the pages.

"Momma, look what I found," the boy called out.

"What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked.

With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered: "I think it's Adam's suit!"


January 24, 2019 - The Helper
A pastor is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach.

After watching the boys efforts for some time, the pastor moves closer to the boy's position. He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a solid ring.

Crouching down to the child's level, the pastor smiles benevolently and asks, "And now what, my little man?" To which the boy replies, "Now we run!"


January 21, 2019 - Visiting Pastor

A pastor went out one Saturday to visit his church members. At one house, it was obvious that someone was home, but nobody came to the door even though the preacher knocked several times. Finally, the preacher took out his card, wrote out "Revelation 3:20" on the back of it, and stuck it in the door.

Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and dine with him, and he with me. - Revelation 3:20

The next day, the card turned up in the collection plate. Below the preacher's message was written the following notation:
I heard your voice in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked; and I hid myself. - Genesis 3:10


January 20, 2019 - Sermon

A pastor, known for his lengthy sermons, noticed a man get up and leave during the middle of his message. The man returned just before the conclusion of the service. Afterwards the pastor asked the man where he had gone.

"I went to get a haircut," was the reply.

"But," said the pastor, "why didn't you do that before the service?"

"Because," the gentleman said, "I didn't need one then."


January 19, 2019 - Where is God
Two brothers are terrible trouble makers. They are always breaking things, stealing things, lying, and making all kinds of general trouble. The parents have tried everything to get the boys to change, to no avail. Finally, out of options, they ask their pastor if he can help. He says he will talk to the boys, but only one at a time. The parents drop off the youngest and go home, promising to return to get him soon. The boy sits in a chair across from the pastor's desk and they just look at each other.

Finally, the Pastor says, "Where is God?"

The boy just sits there and doesn't answer.

The pastor begins to look stern and loudly says, "Where is God?"

The little boy shifts in his seat, but still doesn't answer.

The pastor is starting to get angry at the boy's refusal to converse and practically shouts "Where is God?"

To the pastor's surprise, the little boy jumps up out of his chair and runs out of the office.

The boy leaves the church and runs all the way home, up the stairs and into his brother's room. He shuts the door and pants, "We're in BIG TROUBLE. God's missing and they think we did it!"


January 18, 2019 - Preaching
The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike, and as he preached, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike cord as he went.

Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord and nearly tripping before jerking it again.

After several circles and jerks, a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother and whispered, "If he gets loose, will he hurt us?"


January 17, 2019 - Prospecting for the Lord
On a sunny Sunday afternoon, two young church members were going door to door to invite people to visit their services. When they knocked on one door, it was immediately clear the woman who answered was not happy to see them.

She told them in no uncertain terms that she did not want to hear their message, and before they could say anything more, she slammed the door in their faces.

To her surprise, however, the door did not close; in fact, it bounced back open. She tried again, really putting her back into it, and slammed it again with the same result - the door bounced back open.

Convinced these rude young people were sticking their foot in her door, she reared back to give it a slam that would teach them a lesson. Just then, one of them said quietly: "Ma'am, before you do that again, you really need to move your cat."


January 14, 2019 - Unwanted Visitor
A man, down on his luck, went into a church which catered to the "uppity". Spotting the man's dirty clothes a deacon, worried about the churches image, went to the man and asked him if he needed help. The man said, "I was praying and the Lord told me to come to this church."

The deacon suggested that the man go pray some more and possibly he might get a different answer. The next Sunday the man returned. The deacon asked, "Did you get a different answer?"

The man replied, "Yes I did. I told the Lord that they don't want me in that church and the Lord said, 'Don't worry about it son; I've been trying to get into that church for years and haven't made it yet."


January 13, 2019 - Group Picture
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

'Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, 'And there's the teacher, she's dead.'


January 12, 2019 - God is Watching
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, 'Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.'

'Yes,' the class said.

'Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?'

A little fellow shouted,'Cause your feet ain't empty.'

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:

'Take only ONE . God is watching.'

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was alarge pile of chocolate chip cookies.

A child had written a note, 'Take all you want. God is watching the apples.'


January 11, 2019 - Which Way to Heaven?
Reverend Billy Graham tells of a time early in his ministry when he arrived in a small town to preach a sermon. Wanting to mail a letter, he asked a young boy where the post office was. When the boy had told him, Dr. Graham thanked him and said, "If you'll come to the Baptist Church this evening, you can hear me telling everyone how to get to heaven."

The boy replied, "I don't think I'll be there... You don't even know your way to the post office."


January 10, 2019 - Lesson in Lying
A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17."
The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up. The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."


January 7, 2019 - Dog's Friends
The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail and not his tongue.


January 6, 2019 - Whales
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human;it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah'.

The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell?'

The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him'.


January 5, 2019 -  A Picture of God
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.

As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied, 'I'm drawing God.'

The teacher paused and said, 'But no one knows what God looks like.'

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, 'They will in a minute.'


January 4, 2019 - Commandments
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.

After explaining the commandment to 'honour'thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, 'Is there a commandment that teaches  us how to treat our brothers and sisters?'

From the back,  one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, 'Thou shall not kill.'


January 3, 2019 - Hair Color
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.

She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, 'Why are some of your hairs white, Mum?'

Her mother replied, 'Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.'

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, 'Mummy, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?'