Good, Clean Jokes and Funny Stories


Good, Clean Jokes and Funny Stories


While the Bible isn't a joke book, it is obvious that humor played an important role in Hebrew culture. When drought hit Jacob's world he turned to his sons and said, "Why are you staring at one another...Go down [to Egypt] and buy some for us" (Gen 42:1-2). I also hear humor in some of Jesus' remarks, like when He renamed James and John the "sons of thunder" or when He said the Pharisees where like whitewashed tombs, full of dead men's bones (Matt 23). I think we need the picture of Jesus laughing and enjoying people. In fact, while Jesus indeed had many hard things to say, He was also full of emotion, joy and celebration. Even as He rebuked the Pharisees, we see a glimpse of His demeanor in ministry when He scolded them saying, "We played the flute for you, but you would not dance" (Matt 11). There was something very non-religious in Jesus that laughter, celebration and humor is part of. Hopefully, these jokes, stories and quips will help make your day more merry as you walk with the Lord Jesus through this world.

Francis

May 2018

May 29, 2018 - One Seat Allowed
A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat."

The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became impatient.

"Sir, if you don't get up from there, I'm going to have to call the manager."

Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager. In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man.

Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police.

The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?"

"Sam," the man moaned.

"Where ya from, Sam?"


May 28, 2018 - Things Moms Would Never Say
~ "How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far back?"

~ "Yeah, I used to skip school a lot, too"

~ "Just leave all the lights on . . . it makes the house look more cheery"

~ "Let me smell that shirt. Yeah, it's good for another week"

~ "Go ahead and keep that stray dog, honey. I'll be glad to feed and walk him every day"

~ "Well, if Timmy's mom says it's okay, that's good enough for me."

~ "The curfew is just a general time to shoot for. It's not like I'm running a prison around here."

~ "I don't have a tissue with me . . . just use your sleeve"

~ "Don't bother wearing a jacket. The wind chill is bound to improve"


May 27, 2018 - The English Language
Lets face it
English is a frustrating language.
There is no egg in the eggplant
No ham in the hamburger
And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple.
English muffins were not invented in England
French fries were not invented in France.

We sometimes take English for granted
But if we examine its paradoxes we find that
Quicksand takes you down slowly
Boxing rings are square
And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

If writers write, how come fingers don't fing.
If the plural of tooth is teeth
Shouldn't the plural of phone booth be phone beeth
If the teacher taught,
Why didn't the preacher praught.

If a vegetarian eats vegetables
What on earth does a humanitarian eat!?
Why do people recite at a play
Yet play at a recital?
Park on driveways and
Drive on parkways
How can the weather be as hot as hell on one day
And as cold as hell on another

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy
Of a language where a house can burn up as
It burns down
And in which you fill in a form
By filling it out
And a bell is only heard once it goes!

English was invented by people, not computers
And it reflects the creativity of the human race
(Which of course isn't a race at all)

That is why
When the stars are out they are visible
But when the lights are out they are invisible
And why it is that when I wind up my watch
It starts
But when I wind up this poem
It ends.


May 26, 2018 - Carjacking Foiled - TRUE STORY:
An elderly lady did her shopping and upon return found 4 males in her car.

She Dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at them at the top of her voice that she knows how to use it and that she will if required....so get out of the car. The 4 men didn't wait around for a second invitation but got out and ran like mad, where upon the lady proceeded to load her shopping bags in the back of the car and got into the drivers seat.

Small problem, her key wouldn't fit the ignition. Her car was identical and parked four / five spaces further down. She loaded her bags into her car and drove to the police station.

The sergeant that she told the story to nearly tore himself in two with laughter and pointed to the other end of the counter where 4 pale white males were reporting a car-jacking by a mad elderly white women...... no charges were filed.


May 25, 2018 - Two Plus Two
A mathematician, a statistician and an accountant apply for the same job. The interviewer calls in the mathematician and asks "What do two plus two equal?"

The mathematician replies "Four."

The interviewer asks "Four, exactly?"

The mathematician looks at the interviewer incredulously and says "Yes, four, exactly."

Then the interviewer calls in the statistician and asks the same question "What do two plus two equal?"

The statistician says "On average, four - give or take ten percent, but on average, four."

Then the interviewer calls in the accountant and poses the same question "What do two plus two equal?"

The accountant gets up, locks the door, closes the shade, sits down next to the interviewer and says "What do you want it to equal?"


May 22, 2018 - Calf Birth
A man was helping one of his cows give birth, when he noticed his 4-year-old son standing wide-eyed at the fence, soaking in the whole event. The man thought, "Great, he's 4 and I'm gonna have to start explaining the birds and bees. No need to jump the gun, I'll just let him ask, and I'll answer."

After everything was over, the man walked over to his son and said, "Well son, do you have any questions?" "Just one," gasped the still wide-eyed lad. "How fast was that calf going when he hit that cow?"


May 21, 2018 - Why Ask Why

Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?

Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?

Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?

If 7-11 is open 24-hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?

If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen?

If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?

You know how most packages say "Open here". What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"?

Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM.?

Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?

Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?

You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes? Why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?

Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?


May 20, 2018 - Good Guess
The Sunday school lesson for the day was about Noah's Ark, so the pre-school teacher in our Kentucky church decided to get her small pupils involved by playing a game in which they identified animals.

"I'm going to describe something to you. Let's see if you can guess what it is. First: I'm furry with a bushy tail and I like to climb trees."

The children looked at her blankly.

"I also like to eat nuts, especially acorns."

No response. This wasn't going well at all!

"I'm usually brown or grey, but sometimes I can be black or red."

Desperate, the teacher turned to a perky four-year-old who was usually good about coming up with the answers. "Michelle, what do you think?"

Michelle looked hesitantly at her classmates and replied, "Well, I know the answer has to be Jesus--but it sure sounds like a squirrel to me!"


May 19, 2018 - Backwoods Labor
In the back woods of Kentucky, the redneck's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.

Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to be a lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing." Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world. "Whoa there," said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down...I think there's yet another one to come."

Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl. "No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern...It seems there's yet another one in there!" cried the doctor.

The Redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, "Do you think it's the light that's attractin' 'em?"


May 18, 2018 - Dishonesty Doesn't Pay
One year, at Western, there were these two guys who were taking Chemistry and who did pretty well on all of the quizzes and the midterms and labs, etc., such that going into the final they had a solid A. These two friends were so confident going into the final that the weekend before finals week (even though the Chem final was on Monday), they decided to go over to Toronto and party with some friends there during the Vanier Cup weekend. So they did this and had a great time.

However, with their partying and everything, they overslept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Western until early Monday morning. Rather than taking the final then, what they did was to find their Professor after the final and explain to him why they missed the final. They told him that they went up to Toronto for the weekend, and had planned to come back in time to study, but that they had a flat tire on the way back and didn't have a spare and couldn't get help for a long time and so were late getting back to campus.

The Professor thought this over and then agreed that they could make up the final on the following day. The two guys were elated and relieved. So, they studied that night and went in the next day at the time that the Prof had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet and told them to begin. They looked at the first problem, which was something simple about molarity and solutions and was worth 5 points. "Cool" they thought, "this is going to be easy." They did that problem and then turned the page. They were unprepared, however, for what they saw on the next page.

It said:
(95 points) Which tire?


May 15 2018 - More Cute Kids
On vacation with her family in Montana, a mother drove her van past a church in a small town and pointing to it, told the children that it was St.
Francis' Church. "It must be a franchise," her eight-year-old son said. "We've got one of those in our town too."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Sunday school teacher challenged her children to take some time on Sunday afternoon to write a letter to God. They were to bring back their letter the following Sunday. One little boy wrote: "Dear God, We had a good time at church today. Wish You could have been there."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Bouncing out of her first day in nursery school at Mount Moriah Presbyterian Church in Port Henry, New York, a three-year-old girl gleefully informed her mother: "We had juice and Billy Graham crackers!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Rev. David A. Stammerjohn, pastor of Laboratory Presbyterian Church, Washington, Pennsylvania, spent a week at the Synod school with his two children. The school's theme focused on Moses and the Exodus. When they returned home, his five-year-old daughter excitedly greeted her mother: "Guess what, Mommy. We made unleaded bread!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The old pastor made it to a practice to visit the parish school one day a week. He walked into the 4th grade class, where the children were studying the states, and asked them how many states they could name. They came up with about 40 names. He jokingly told them that in his day students knew the names of all the states. One lad raised his hand and said, "Yes, but in those days there were only 13."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Four-year-old Tucker Jones attended the vacation Bible school at our church. The theme was "Discipleship and Saving Mother Earth." His mother, Trish Jones, asked Tucker what he had learned. He immediately told her all bout "Jesus and the 12 recycles."


May 14, 2018 - Parachute Training
While attending US Army's Airborne School.....

The Day before our first jump, the instructors (known as SGT Airbornes, students are called 'Airborne') demonstrated all the possible malfunctions one might encounter.

After watching a total malfunction, i.e. the parachute fails to deploy, one of the students asked: "SGT Airborne, if we have a complete malfunction, how much time do we have to deploy our reserve parachutes?"

"Airborne, you have the REST of your life to deploy that reserve!"


May 13, 2018 - New Phonetic Alphabet
The same old standard phonetic alphabet (which you would use to describe spelling "Wilson" as "Whiskey, India, Lima, Sierra, Oscar, November") has been used by aircraft pilots, police, and many others for many years now.

So, I finally decided to come up with something a bit more "original" for those people who bother me:

A Are

B Bee

C Cite

D Double-U

E Eye

F Five

G Genre

H Hoe

I I

J Junta

K Knot

L Lye

M Me

N Nine

O Owe

P Pseudonym

Q Queue

R Rap

S Sea

T Tsunami

U Understand?

V Vie

W Why

X Xylophone

Y You

Z Zero

People don't ask me to spell anything over the phone anymore.


May 12, 2018 - Stolen Goat
The following is a quote from a director of sports information in the Navy, regarding the theft of some mascots from the Naval Academy by Army rivals:

"We knew Army cadets were involved because they cut through two fences to get to the goats, and 15 feet away there was an unlocked gate."


May 11, 2018 - Actual Signs
Bucharest Hotel Lobby - "The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time you will be unbearable."

Leipzig elevator - "Do not enter the lift backwards and only when lit up"

Belgrade elevator - "To move the cabin, push forward for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number for a wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order"

Paris elevator - "Please leave your values at the front desk."

Athenian hotel - "Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of....."

Moscow Hotel - "You are invited to visit the cemetery where famous Soviet composers, authors and artists are buried daily except Thursday."

Austrian ski hotel - "Do not perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension."

Swiss menu - "Our wines leave you nothing to hope for."

Polish menu - "Salad of firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion."

Hong Kong dress shop - "Ladies have fits upstairs."

Rhodes tailor shop - "Order your summer suit because it is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation."

Germany's Black Forest - "It is strictly forbidden on our Black Forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married together for that reason."

Swedish furrier - "Fur coats made for ladies from their own skin."

Japanese detour sign - "Stop: Drive sideways."

Swiss mountain inn - "Special today - no ice cream."

Copenhagen airline office - "We take your bags and send them in all directions.

Budapest zoo - "Please do not feed the animals. If you have suitable food, give it to the guard on duty."

Acapulco hotel - "The manager has personally passed all the water served here."

Japanese air conditioner - "Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself."

Tokyo car rental firm - "When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage, then tootle him with vigour."


May 8, 2018 - Caught Sleeping
Just in case your boss catches you asleep at your desk, be ready to blurt out one of these excuses.

They told me at the blood bank that this might happen.

This is just a 15 minute power nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to.

I was working smarter - not harder.

Whew! I must have left the top off the whiteout.

I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!

This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!

I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance.

I'm in the management training program.

I'm actually doing a Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan (SLEEP).

I learned at the last mandatory seminar you made me attend.

This is in exchange for the six hours last night when I dreamed about work!

Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem.

The coffee machine is broken....

Someone must have put decaf in the wrong pot.

Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off.

Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!

I wasn't sleeping. I was trying to pick up my contact lens without my hands.

The mail courier flipped out and pulled a gun so I was playing dead to avoid getting shot.

Gosh, I thought you (the boss) were gone for the day.


May 7, 2018 - Comments Never Heard At Church
1. Hey! It's my turn to sit in the front pew.

2. I was so enthralled, I never noticed your sermon went 25 minutes over time.

3. Personally I find witnessing much more enjoyable than golf.

4. I've decided to give our church the $500 a month I used to send to TV evangelists.

5. I volunteer to be the permanent teacher for the Junior High Sunday School class.

6. Forget the denominational minimum salary, let's pay our pastor so he can live like we do.

7. I love it when we sing hymns I've never heard before!

8. Since we're all here, let's start the service early.

9. Pastor, we'd like to send you to this Bible seminar in the Bahamas.

10. Nothing inspires me and strengthens my commitment like our annual stewardship campaign!


May 6, 2018 - More Musings
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Energizer Bunny arrested -- charged with battery.

If you can't convince them, confuse them.

Beat the 5 o'clock rush, leave work at noon!

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.

Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.

There's no future in time travel.

If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?

Smith & Wesson -- the original point and click interface.

Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.

Who is General Failure, and why is he reading my hard disk?

Corduroy pillows -- they're making headlines!

All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

Polynesia -- memory loss in parrots.

Oh Lord give me patience, and give it to me NOW!

A good pun is it's own reword.

Laughing stock -- cattle with a sense of humor

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.


May 5, 2018 - Country Boys
These two country boys, brothers, were knocking around one lazy summer day and thought it would be a good prank to push over the outhouse. They crept up from an advantageous direction like a couple of commandos, pushed the outhouse over on one side and headed for the woods. They circled round and returned home an hour later from a completely different direction thus, trying to divert suspicion from themselves.

Upon returning, their father approached them with switch in hand and bellowed, "Did you two push the outhouse over this afternoon?"

The older boy replied, "As learned in school, I cannot tell a lie. Yes, Father, we pushed over the outhouse this afternoon."

At this revelation, the farmer proceeded to punish the two boys severely and sent them to bed without supper.

In the morning, the two boys meekly approached the breakfast table and took their seats. Everything was quiet until their father finally said, "Have you two learned your lesson?"

"Sure, Dad!" said the big brother, "But, in school we learned that George Washington admitted to HIS father that he'd chopped down a cherry tree and he was forgiven because he told the truth."

"Ah yes!' said the farmer, "BUT, George's DAD, wasn't in the cherry tree when he chopped it down!!!"


May 4, 2018 - B.O.O.K.
Introducing the Bio-Optic Organized Knowledge software: B.O.O.K.

BOOK is a revolutionary technological breakthrough: no wires, no electric currents, no batteries. Nothing to be connected or switched on. So easy to use, even a child can operate it! Compact, portable, it can be used anywhere -- even on a beach, yards from a power point. Yet it is powerful enough to hold as much information as a CD-ROM disc! Here's how it works:

BOOK is constructed of literally hundreds of sequentially numbered sheets of paper (recyclable), each capable of holding thousands of bits of information. The pages are locked together with a custom fit device (a "binder") which maintains each sheet in its correct sequence.

Opaque Paper Technology (OPT) allows the manufacturer to utilize BOTH sides of each sheet, thus doubling information density while cutting costs. Sheets are scanned optically, registering information directly to the brain -- the most efficient interface yet developed!

And simple: a flick of a finger takes you to the next sheet!

BOOK may be taken up at any time and used merely by opening it!

BOOK never crashes or requires rebooting. The "browse" feature permits you to move instantly to any single sheet, AND move forward and backward as you wish. Forget scrolling arrows or multiple key commands! BOOK often comes with an "index"
feature which pinpoints the exact sheet location of any selected information for instant retrieval.

An optional "BOOKmark" accessory allows you to open book at THE EXACT PLACE YOU LEFT IT IN A PREVIOUS SESSION ... even if BOOK has been closed!

Best of all, BOOKmarks fit universal design standards ...
any BOOKmark can be used in any BOOK by any manufacturer!

A brand new BOOKmark can even be used in a BOOK that predates it by months, even years!

Should you wish to store numerous views in a single book, multiple BOOKmarks can be used.

You also have the option to make personal notes next to BOOK text entries with an optional programming tool, Portable Erasable-Nib Cryptic Intercommunication Language Stylus (PENCILS).

Portable, durable, and affordable, BOOK is being hailed as the precursor of a new information-delivery wave. BOOK's appeal is so certain that thousands of self-employed content creators (like me) have committed to the platform, and edit technicians are evaluating their submissions.

Life is short. Information is dear. Forget the Internet.

When deciding to access information, think BOOK.


May 1, 2018 - 100 GB
Experts warned today of a new and deadly threat to our beleaguered civilization: the 100GB Bug.

As most people know, McDonald's restaurant signs show the number of hamburgers the giant chain has sold. That number now stands at 99 billion burgers, or 99 Gigaburgers (GB). Within months or even weeks, that number will roll over to 100GB. McDonald's signs, however, were designed years ago, when the prospect of selling one hundred billion hamburgers seemed unthinkably remote. So the signs have only two decimal places.

This means that, after the sale of the 100 billionth burger, McDonald's signs will read "00 Billion Burgers Sold." This, experts predict, will convince the public that, in over thirty years, no McDonald's hamburgers have ever in fact been sold, causing a complete collapse of consumer confidence in McDonald's products.

The ensuing catastrophic drop in sales is seen as almost certain to force the already-troubled company into bankruptcy. This, in turn, will push the teetering American economy over the brink, which, finally, will complete the total devastation of the global economy, ending civilization as we know it, and forcing us all to live on beetles.

"The people who know -- the sign-makers -- are really scared of 100GB", one expert said. "I don't know about you, but I'm digging up a copy of THE FIELD GUIDE TO NORTH AMERICAN INSECTS and heading for the hills."

April 2018

April 30, 2018 - You Get What You Paid For
During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer:

"Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to me and the part where I'm to promise to 'love, honor and obey,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that part out." He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied.

The big day comes, and the bride and groom exchange their vows.

When it comes time for the groom's vows, the pastor looks the young man in the eye and says: "Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"

The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes."

The groom leaned toward the pastor and hissed, "I thought we had a deal."

The pastor put the $100 bill into his hand and whispered back, "She made me a much better offer."


April 29, 2018 - Comprehending Engineers - Take Two
What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?

Mechanical Engineers build weapons, Civil Engineers build targets.


April 28, 2018 - Comprehending Engineers - Take One

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!" The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him."

"Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind fire-fighters.

They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."

The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, "That's so sad. I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."

The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"


April 27, 2018 - Someone At The Door
A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach.

After watching the boy's efforts for some time, the priest moves closer to the boy's position. He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a sold ring.

Crouching down to the child's level, the priest smiles benevolently and asks, "And now what, my little man?"

The boy replies, "Now we run!"


April 23, 2008 - Pillsbury Dough Boy Dead at 71

Veteran Pillsbury spokesman, Pop N. Fresh, died yesterday of a severe yeast infection. He was 71.

Fresh was buried in one of the largest funeral ceremonies in recent years. Dozens of celebrities turned out, including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, and the Hostess Twinkies.

The graveside was piled high with flours as long-time friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who "never knew how much he was kneaded."

Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model for millions.

Fresh is survived by his wife. They have two children and one in the oven. The funeral was held at 4:50 for about 20 minutes.


April 22, 2018 - Y to K Problem
Our staff has completed the 18 months of work on time and on budget.

We have gone through every line of code in every program in every system. We have analyzed all databases, all data files, including backups and historic archives, and modified all data to reflect the change. We are proud to report that we have completed the "Y-to-K" date change mission, and have now implemented all changes to all programs and all data are now done to reflect your new standards:

Januark, Februark, March, April, Mak, June, Julk, August, September, October, November, December As well as:

Sundak, Mondak, Tuesdak, Wednesdak Thursdak, Fridak, Saturdak I trust that this is satisfactory, because to be honest, none of this Y to K problem has made any sense to me. But I understand it is a global problem, and our team is glad to help in any way possible. And what does the year
2000 have to do with it?

Speaking of which, what do you think we ought to do next year when the two digit year rolls over from 99 to 00?

We await your direction.

The Y2K Team


April 21, 2018 - Pilot Humor
Here are some actual maintenance complaints generally known as squawks or problems submitted recently by Qantas pilots to maintenance engineers. After attending to the squawks prior to the aircraft's next flight, the maintenance crews are required to log the details of action taken as a solution to the pilots squawks. The following are some recent squawks and subsequent responses by maintenance crews.

(P) is the problem logged by the pilot, and (S) marks the solution and action taken by maintenance engineers.

(P) Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
(S) Almost replaced left inside main tire.

(P) Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
(S) Autoland not installed on this aircraft.

(P) #2 propeller seeping prop fluid.
(S) #2 propeller seepage normal - - #1, #3 and #4 propellers lack normal seepage.

(P) Something loose in cockpit.
(S) Something tightened in cockpit.

(P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
(S) Evidence removed.

(P) DME volume unbelievably loud.
(S) Volume set to more believable level.

(P) Dead bugs on windshield.
(S) Live bugs on backorder.

(P) Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
(S) Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

(P) IFF inoperative.
(S) IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

(P) Friction lock causes throttle levers to stick.
(S) That's what they're there for!!

(P) Number three engine missing.
(S) Engine three found on right wing after brief search.

(P) Aircraft handles funny.
(S) Aircraft warned to straighten up, "fly right" and be serious!!

(P) Target Radar hums.
(S) Reprogrammed Target Radar with the words.


April 20, 2018 - Hymns For Professionals
DENTIST: Crown Him with many crowns
CONTRACTORS: The church's one foundation
OBSTETRICIANS: Come, labour on
GOLFERS: There is a green hill far away
POLITICIANS: Standing on the promises
LIBRARIANS: Let all mortal flesh keep silence
LAWYERS: In the hour of trial
DRY CLEANERS: O for a faith that will not shrink
CREDIT CARD USERS: A charge of keep have I
CENSUS TAKERS: All people that on earth do dwell
TRAFFIC ENGINEERS: Where cross the crowded ways of life
TAXATION OFFICERS: We give thee but thine own


April 17, 2018 - Technical Terms for the Strictly Amish
Log on: making a wood stove hotter
Log off: don't add no more wood
Monitor: keeping an eye on the wood stove
Download: gettin the farwood off the truck
Mega Hertz: when yer not keerful getting the farwood
Floppy disc: whatcha git from tryin to carry too much farwood
Ram: that thar thing what splits the farwood
Hard drive: gettin home in the winter time
Prompt: whut the mail ain't in the winter time
Windows: what to shut when it's cold outside
Screen: what to shut when it's blak fly season
Byte: what dem flys do
Chip: munchies fer the TV
Micro Chip: whut's in the bottom of the munchie bag
Modem: whacha did to the hay fields
Dot Matrix: Old Dan Matrix's wife
Lap Top: whar the kitty sleeps
Keyboard: whar ya hang the keys
Software: them plastic forks and knifes
Mouse: what eats the grain in the barn
Mouse Pad: that hippie talk for the rat hole
Main frame: holds up the barn ruf
Port: fancy Flatlander wine
Enter: northerner talk fer C'Mon in y'all
Random Access Memory: when ya cain't 'member what ya paid fer the......


April 16, 2018 - Materialistic Or What?
A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Jag XK-8 in front of the office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck came along, too close to the curb, and completely tore off the driver's door of the Jag. The counsellor immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialled 911, and it wasn't more than 5 minutes before a policeman pulled up.

Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Jag, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how the body shop tried to make it new again, etc., etc., etc.

After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, "Didn't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."

"Oh No!" screamed the lawyer. "Where's my Rolex?"


April 15, 2018 - Generations
Windsor Castle, outside of London, is directly in the flight path of Heathrow International Airport. While a group of tourists was standing outside the castle admiring the elegant structure, a plane flew overhead at a relatively low altitude, making a tremendous noise.

One particularly annoyed tourist whined, "Why did they build the castle so close to the airport?"


April 14, 2018 - Pessimists
A fisherman returned to shore with a giant marlin that was bigger and heavier than he. On the way to the cleaning shed, he ran into a second fisherman who had a stringer with a dozen baby minnows.

The second fisherman looked at the marlin, turned to the first fisherman and said, "Only caught one, eh?"


April 13, 2018 - Conductor Problem
The symphony musicians had little confidence in the person brought in to be their new conductor.

Their fears were realized at the very first rehearsal. The cymbalist, realizing that the conductor did not know what he was doing, angrily clashed his instruments together during a delicate, soft passage.

The music stopped. The conductor, highly agitated, looked angrily around the orchestra, demanding, "Who did that? Who did that?"


April 10, 2018 - Cattle Ranching
A New York family bought a ranch out west where they intended to raise cattle. Friends came to visit and asked if the ranch had a name.

"Well," said the would-be-cattleman. "I wanted to call it the Bar-J, my wife favored the Suzy-Q, one son liked the Flying-W, and the other son wanted the Lazy-Y. So, we're calling it the Bar-J-Suzy-Q-Flying-W-Lazy_Y."

"But, where are all your cattle?"

"None have survived the branding.


April 9, 2018 - Flight Booking
After booking my 80-year-old grandmother on a flight from Florida to Nevada, I called the airline to go over her special needs. The representative listened patiently as I requested a wheelchair and an attendant for my mother because of her arthritis and impaired vision to the point of near blindness.

My apprehension lightened a bit when the woman assured me that everything would be taken care of. I thanked her profusely.

"Oh, you're welcome," she replied. I was about to hang up when she cheerfully asked, "And will your grandmother need a rental car?"


April 8, 2018 - Never Be Late
A local priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish.

A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner.

However, he was delayed so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited:

"I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had also stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his best friend's wife, and taken illicit drugs. I was appalled.

"But as the days went on I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people."

Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies for being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and said: "I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived. In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession."

Moral: Never, never, NEVER-EVER be late.


April 7, 2018 - G.I. Excuses
The General went out to find that none of his GIs were there. One finally ran up, panting heavily.

"Sorry, sir! I can explain, you see I had a date and it ran a little late. I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I'm here."

The General was very skeptical about this explanation but at least he was here so he let the GI go. Moments later, eight more GIs came up to the general panting, he asked them why they were late.

"Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I'm here."

The General eyed them, feeling very skeptical but since he let the first guy go, he let them go, too. A ninth GI jogged up to the General, panting heavily.

"Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but..."

"Let me guess," the General interrupted, "it broke down."

"No," said the GI, "there were so many dead horses in the road, it took forever to get around them."


April 6, 2018 - Interesting Thoughts
Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts," and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.

When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?

Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?

Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?

"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language.

Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed?

Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?

Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure?

If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren't people from Holland called "Holes?"


April 3, 2018 - "Grace"ous Host
A woman invited some people to dinner.

At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?"

"I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied. "Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered.

The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"


April 2, 2018 - The Lord's Prayer - Sort of
A mother was teaching her three-year-old The Lord's Prayer.

For several evenings at bedtime, the child repeated it after the mother. Then one night the child was ready to solo. The mother listened with pride to the carefully enunciated words, right up to the end.

"And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us some e-mail, Amen."


April 1, 2018 - Sharing by Example
A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5, and Ryan, 3.

The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake. I can wait.'

Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus."

March 2018

March 31, 2018 - Foreign Phrases - Sort of
A New York magazine recently ran a contest. The rules were to take any well-known phrase in a foreign language, change just a single letter, and then provide a definition for the new expression. Here are some of the winners:

HARLEZ VOUS FRANCAIS?: Can you drive a French motorcycle?
IDIOS AMIGOS: We're wild and crazy guys.
COGITO, EGGO SUM: I think. Therefore, I am a waffle.
RIGOR MORRIS: The cat is dead.
REPONDEZ S'IL VOUS PLAID: Honk if you are Scottish.
QUE SERA SERF: Life is feudal.
LE ROI EST MORT. JIVE LE ROI: The king is dead. No kidding.
POSH MORTEM: Death styles of the rich and famous.
VENI, VIPI, VICI: I came. I am a very important person. I conquered.
PRO BOZO PUBLICO: Support your local clown.
FELIX NAVIDAD: Our cat has a boat.
HASTE CUISINE: Fast French food.
VENI, VIDI, VICE: I came, I saw, I partied.
QUIP PRO QUO: A fast retort.
ALOHA OY: Love, greetings and farewell from such a pain you should never know.
MAZEL TON: Tons of good luck.
APRES MOE LE DELUGE: Curly and Larry got wet.
ICH LIBERICH: I'm really crazy about having dough.
FUI GENERIS: What's mine is mine.
VISA LA FRANCE: Don't leave your chateau without it.
CA VA SANS DIRT: And that's not gossip.
BUN JOUR: The daily special at the bakery.
BAN JOUR: The daily special of the League of Decency.
BEN JOUR: Charlton Heston's cousin.


March 30, 2018 - Dead Seagull
A father was at the beach with his children when his four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore, where a seagull lay dead in the sand.

"Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked. "He died and went to Heaven," the dad replied.

The boy thought a moment and then said, "Did God throw him back down?"


March 27, 2018 - Wimpy Dad

One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"

The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room."

A long silence was broken at last by his shaking little voice: "The big sissy."


March 26, 2018 - New Boater
This past summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, a fellow new to boating was having a problem.

No matter how hard he tried, he just couldn't get his brand new 22-ft Bayliner to perform. It wouldn't get on a plane at all, and was very sluggish in almost every manoeuvre, no matter how much power he supplied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, he putted over to a nearby marina. Maybe they could tell him what was wrong.

A thorough topside check revealed everything was in perfect working order: the engine ran fine, the outdrive went up and down, the prop was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard.

Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer.


March 25, 2018 -  Better By Train
A large two-engine train was crossing America. After they had gone some distance, one of the engines broke down. "No problem," the engineer thought and carried on at half power.

Farther on down the line, the other engine broke down and the train came to a standstill.

The engineer decided he should inform the passengers about why the train had stopped, and made the following announcement, "Ladies and gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news. The bad news is that both engines have failed, and we will be stuck here for some time. The good news is that you decided to take the train and not fly."

March 24, 2018 - Helpful Executive
A young executive was leaving the office late one evening when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work?"

"Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy."


March 23, 2018 - Funny Answering Machines
"Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets."

"Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency. We know who you are and what you want, so at the sound of the tone, please hang up."

"Hello, this is Sally's microwave. Her answering machine just eloped with her tape deck, so I'm stuck with taking her calls. Say, if you want anything cooked while you leave your message, just hold it up to the phone."

"Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through the office and don't need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you."

"This is not an answering machine - this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling, and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call."

"Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back."

"If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave us a message."

"Hi. I am probably home. I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's YOU."

March 20, 2018 - Keep Walking
An eight year old boy is walking down the road one day when a car pulls over next to him.

"If you get in the car," the driver says, "I'll give you $10 and a piece of candy."

The boy refuses and keeps on walking.

A few moments later, not to take no for an answer, the man driving the car pulls over again. "How about $20 and two pieces of candy?"

The boy tells the man to leave him alone and keeps on walking.

Still further down the road the man pulls over to the side road. "OK," he says, "this is my final offer. I'll give you $50 and all the candy you can eat."

The little boy stops, goes to the car and leans in. "Look," he says to the driver. "You bought the Ford, Dad. You'll have to live with it!"


March 19, 2018 - Poor Preacher
After the church service a little boy told the pastor, "When I grow up, I'm going to give you some money."

"Well, thank you," the pastor replied, "but why?"

"Because my daddy says you're one of the poorest preachers we've ever had."


March 18, 2018 - Scout Fix
"A scoutmaster and his wife were driving along a rural highway when they found the road blocked by a herd of cows that had escaped through a broken fence.

The scoutmaster tried beeping his horn to scare the cattle from the pavement, but to no avail. For some reason, no sound was heard. He got out of the car, lifted the hood, and saw the problem: a loose wire, which he quickly fixed.

As he got back into the car, his wife asked him if he'd had any luck.

"Yep," he replied, "beep repaired!"


March 17, 2018 - Watch This
A C-130 Hercules cargo plane was lumbering along when a cocky F-16 flashed by. The jet jockey decided to show off.

The fighter jock told the C-130 pilot, 'watch this!' and promptly went into a barrel roll followed by a steep climb. He then finished with a sonic boom as he broke the sound barrier. The F-16 pilot asked the C-130 pilot what he thought of that?

The C-130 pilot said, 'That was impressive, but watch this!' The C-130 droned along for about 5 minutes and then the C-130 pilot came back on and said: 'What did you think of that?' Puzzled, the F-16 pilot asked, 'What the heck did you do?'

The C-130 pilot chuckled. 'I stood up, stretched my legs, walked to the back, went to the bathroom, then got a cup of coffee and a cinnamon bun.'


March 16, 2018 - Old Dodge
A man was driving along in his beat up old dodge, when suddenly it broke down. He was parked on the side of the road trying fix it, when a Jaguar pulled up in front of him and offered to help.

After a few minutes the two men obviously weren't going to get the old car going again, so the Jaguar driver offered to tow the Dodge to the nearest garage. A few minutes later the two had hitched up the old Dodge to the Jaguar, and they agreed that if the Jaguar driver was going too fast, the man should blow his horn and flash his lights to get him to slow down. With that the two men got into their cars and the Jaguar driver started to pull away with the Dodge behind it.

At the first traffic light, a Ferrari pulled up beside the Jaguar and started to rev his engine. As soon as the light turned green the Ferrari and the Jaguar hit their accelerators and took off. Before long the cars were racing at over 120 mph.

As the cars sped along, they passed through a police speed trap. The officer couldn't believe his eyes when he saw the three cars go by, and he decided that he couldn't catch them all by himself, so he decided to radio for help: "You won't believe what I just saw! I saw a Ferrari and a Jaguar doing 120 mph side by side, and a beat up old Dodge behind them flashing his lights and blowing his horn trying to get by!"


March 13, 2018 - Differences Between Men & Women, Part 2
SHOES: When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, then slip on Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Saks. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later, she will kick them off because her feet are under the desk. A man will wear the same pair of shoes all day.

DRESSING UP: A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals.

LAUNDRY: Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the laundromat.

OFFSPRING: Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.


March 12, 2018 - Differences Between Men & Women, Part 1
EATING OUT: And when the check comes, Mike, Phil, Rob and Jack will each throw in $20 bills, even though it's only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators.

BATHROOMS: A man has six items in his bathroom-a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

GROCERIES: A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to the store and buys these things. A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a soda. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.


March 11, 2018 - Free to Go
Jon and Amanpreet were in an institution. This place had an annual contest where they picked two of the best patients and asked them two questions. If they got them correct, they were deemed cured and free to go.

Jon was called into the doctor's office first and asked if he understood that he'd be free if he answered the questions correctly. The doctor said, "Jon, what would happen if I poked out one of your eyes?"

Jon said, "I'd be half blind."

"That's correct. What if I poked out both eyes?"

"I'd be completely blind." The doctor stood up, shook Jon's hand, and told him he was free.

On Jon's way out, as the doctor filled out the paperwork, Jon mentioned the exam to Amanpreet. He told him what questions were going to be asked and gave him the answers.

So Amanpreet came in. The doctor went through the formalities and asked, "What would happen if I cut off one ear?"

Amanpreet, remembering what Jon had said, answered, "I'd be half blind."

The doctor looked a little puzzled, but went on. "What if I cut off the other ear?"

"I'd be completely blind," Amanpreet answered.

"Amanpreet, can you explain how you'd be *blind*?"

"My hat would fall down over my eyes."


March 10, 2018 - Play Quietly
Donald MacDonald from the Isle of Skye (or maybe it was Neil McNell from Barra, but anyway..) went to study at an English university and was living in the hall of residence with all the other students there. After he had been there a month, his mother came to visit him (no doubt carrying reinforcements of tatties, salt herring, oatmeal and whisky).

"And how do you find the English students, Donald?" she asked.

"Mother," he replied, "they're such terrible, noisy people. The one on that side keeps banging his head on the wall and won't stop. The one on the other side screams and screams all night."

"Oh Donald! How do you manage to put up with these awful noisy English neighbours?"

"Mother, I do nothing. I just ignore them. I just stay here quietly, playing my bagpipes."


March 9, 2018 - Senior Driver
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.

Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280. Please be careful!"

"Heck," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"


March 6, 2018 - Thoughtful Sidney
Sometime after Sidney died, his widow, Tillie, was finally able to speak about what a thoughtful and wonderful man her late husband had been.

"Sidney thought of everything," she told them. "Just before he died, Sidney called me to his bedside. He handed me three envelopes. `Tillie,' he told me, 'I have put all my last wishes in these three envelopes. After I am dead, please open them and do exactly as I have instructed. Then I can rest in peace'."

"What was in the envelopes?" her friends asked.

"The first envelope contained $5,000 with a note, 'Please use this money to buy a nice casket.' So I bought a beautiful mahogany casket with such a comfortable lining that I know Sidney is resting very comfortably.

"The second envelope contained $10,000 with a note, 'Please use this for a nice funeral.' I arranged Sidney a very dignified funeral and bought all his favourite foods for everyone attending."

"And the third envelope?" asked her friends.

"The third envelope contained $25,000 with a note, 'Please use this to buy a nice stone.' Holding her hand in the air and showing off her ten carat diamond ring, Tillie said, "So, do you like my stone?"


March 5, 2018 - Mr. Sugarbrown's Daughter
A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter."

Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown."

The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, "Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?"

She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."


March 4, 2018 - Information Assistance
"Information. Can I help you?"

"I'd like the number of the Theater Guild, please."

"One moment, please." Pause. "I'm sorry sir, I have no listing for a Theodore Guild."

"No, no. It isn't a person. It's an organization. It's Theater Guild."

"I told you, sir. I have no listing for a Theodore Guild."

"Not *Theodore*! *Theater*! The word is *theater*.
T-H-E-A-T-E-R!"

"That, *sir*, is NOT the way you spell Theodore."


March 3, 2018 - Grandma Test
I was out walking with my 4-year-old granddaughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that.

"Why?" my granddaughter asked.

"Because it's been on the ground. You don't know where it's been, it's dirty, and probably has germs," I replied.

At this point, my granddaughter looked at me with total admiration and asked, "Grandma, how do you know all this stuff? You are so smart."

I was thinking quickly, "All Grandmas know this stuff. It's on the Grandma Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Grandma."

We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information. "Oh...I get it!" she beamed, "So if you don't pass the test, you have to be the Grandpa."

"Exactly," I replied.


March 2, 2018 - Allergy Medicine
During a revival, the visiting evangelist arrived without his allergy medicine.

Our pastor put him in touch with a doctor in our church for an emergency prescription to get him through the week. The evangelist was so appreciative of the doctor that during the last service, he recommended the doctor to the entire crowd. The ensuing laughter was a mystery to him until after the service.

That was when the host pastor informed him that he had just recommended the local OB-GYN.

February 2018

February 26, 2018 - Carpenter Request
While carpenters were working outside the old house I had just bought, I busied myself with indoor cleaning. I had just finished washing the floor when one of the workmen asked to use the bathroom.

With dismay I looked from his muddy boots to my newly scrubbed floors. "Just a minute," I said, thinking of a quick solution. "I'll put down newspapers."

"That's all right, lady," he responded. "I'm already trained."


February 25, 2018 - Remember Y2K?
Just think - it was ten years ago that we we're all wondering what would happen with Y2K.

I have three things remaining from my Y2K preparations:
1 - a drawer full of emergency candles
2 - a taste for squirrel meat that I aquired preemptively in 1999
3 - an assurance that Jesus is faithful and will care for all those who place their trust in him

OK, one of the above is not true: I only have half a drawer of emergency candles.


February 24, 2018 - A Penny
A penny saved is just another thing for the cat to knock off of the dresser.


February 23, 2018 - Parking Search
I was driving around and around a parking garage in search of an available space. Nothing. Then I noticed a couple walking ahead of me. "Going out?" I called to them. "No," said the man. "Just friends.""


February 24, 2018 - A Penny
A penny saved is just another thing for the cat to knock off of the dresser.


February 23, 2018 - Parking Search
I was driving around and around a parking garage in search of an available space. Nothing. Then I noticed a couple walking ahead of me. "Going out?" I called to them. "No," said the man. "Just friends.""


February 22, 2018 - Scientist's Convention
In the far distant future in the year 4527, a number of scientists from all over the universe were having a convention on a far distant galaxy. Two beings were seated next to one another when they struck up a conversation.

"Where are you from?" the one asked.

"I'm from Alpha Century," he answered. "Where are you from?"

"I'm from Earth" was the answer.

"I know someone from earth," the Alpha Centurion said. "John Smith. Do you know him?"


February 19, 2018 - Scientist's Convention
In the far distant future in the year 4527, a number of scientists from all over the universe were having a convention on a far distant galaxy. Two beings were seated next to one another when they struck up a conversation.

"Where are you from?" the one asked.

"I'm from Alpha Century," he answered. "Where are you from?"

"I'm from Earth" was the answer.

"I know someone from earth," the Alpha Centurion said. "John Smith. Do you know him?"


February 18, 2018 - Lost Envelope
Young Mary was a dutiful child. She obeyed every rule and never once contradicted the commands that were issued daily to govern her life.

One day, when her aunt was bedridden with the flu, Mary was given the responsibility and duty of picking up her aunt's pay envelope. If the refrigerator was to be stocked for the week ahead, Mary and the rest of the family would need the money. The young girl duly went to the proper factory pay wicket, picked up the salary and hopped and skipped merrily homeward.

Alas and alack and other cries of lamentation! The envelope was jounced from her pocket. What consternation! What weeping! Mary was sent back over her route but to no avail.

Finally, she ran to the police station and cried to the desk sergeant, "I've lost my aunt's pay!"

"Cut the pig latin," the sergeant said, "just tell me where you lost them."


February 17, 2018 - Manservant
Because of a shortage of maids, the minister's wife advertised for a manservant. The next morning a nicely dressed young man came to the front door. "Can you start the breakfast by seven o'clock?" asked the minister.

"I guess so," answered the man.

"Can you polish all the silver, wash all the dishes, do the laundry, take care of the lawn, wash windows, iron clothes and keep the house neat and tidy?"

"Say, preacher," said the young fellow rather meekly, "I came here to see about getting married but if it's going to be as much work as all that, you can count me out right now."


February 16, 2018 - Signs You Need a New Pizza Place
~ The pizza's secrets ingredient is still moving.
~ The delivery kid is packing.
~ This weeks special is double cheese and double anchovies at no extra charge.
~ While waiting for the last order to come out of the oven, you catch the delivery guys playing "Frisbee golf" with the other pizzas.
~ When you call in your order, someone answers the phone with "Gino's Bait Shop and Pizzeria, how may I help you?"
~ When you open the box you find that the anchovies are eating the sausage.
~ You realize the red sauce is ketchup.
~ The pizza box that was just delivered to you displays the phone number for the Poison Control Hotline.
~ You notice a sign on the door: "Dear Customers: we are pleased to announce that 38% of our menu is FDA approved."
~ Their slogan is "If it's not there in 30 minutes, it's not getting there."
~ Your "stuffed crust pizza" is stuffed with pudding instead of cheese.
~ The delivery guy waits at your door until you're finished so he can take the box back for the next customer.

February 15, 2018 - A Night Out
Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business.

February 12, 2018 - Valentine Puns
What do farmers give their wives on Valentine's Day?
A hog and kisses!

Why did the pig give his girlfriend a box of candy?
It was Valenswine's Day!

Do skunks celebrate Valentine's Day?
Sure, they're very scent-imental!

What did the French chef give his wife for Valentine's Day?
A hug and a quiche!

What does a man who loves his car do on February 14?
He gives it a valenshine!


February 11, 2018 - Not So Bright

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, "This kid is not so bright. Watch while I prove it to you."

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?"

The boy takes the quarters and leaves the dollar.

"What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store and says, "Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"

The boy licked his cone and replied, "Because the day I take the dollar, the game's over!"

February 10, 2018 - Reputation
Lenora, 95-years-old and in excellent health, confided that she was terribly worried:

"Every one of my friends has already died and gone on to heaven. I'm afraid they're all wondering where *I* went!"


February 9, 2018 - Sermon Feedback
They say that a preacher's wife is always his number one assistant.

An example of this comes one Sunday morning after the preacher had just finished his sermon. He went and sat down with his wife and she asked him how he thought the church service went.

The Preacher shrugged and said, "The worship was excellent, and I think the prayer and communion times went quite well, but," he continued, "I just don't think the sermon ever got off the ground."

The wife looked over at him, and before she could stop herself, she said, "Well, it sure did taxi long enough!"


February 8, 2018 - Florist Problem
Some monks were running low on funds, but didn't want to close up their monastery. After much consideration, they decided to start selling the flowers they grew. Soon after opening up shop, business boomed, much to their delight. They had plenty of cash now for burlap and oatmeal and everything else good monks need.

Unfortunately, the town already HAD a flower shop. The disgruntled owner of the rival store tried everything -- having discount sales, spreading slander about the monks, and even poisoning the monks' flower beds. Unfortunately, they'd been blessed and nothing could stop their little business.

Finally, the rival shop owner sought out a much-rumored-of man: Hugh. No one knew his last name, just that he got the job done, no questions asked. After the appropriate amount of money had changed hands, Hugh went over to the friars' place, thoroughly beat them silly, and then destroyed their flower beds.

The next day, the monks promptly boarded up the windows and closed shop permanently, thus proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.


February 5, 2018 - Tea Service

One day my mother was out and my dad was looking after me.

I was maybe 2 1/2 years old and had just recovered from a bad cold. Someone had given me a little tea set as a get-well gift and it was one of my favorite toys.

Dad was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought Daddy a little cup of "tea," which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such good tea, my mom came home.

Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea. ("It's just the cutest thing!") My mom waited and sure enough, I came down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy. She watched him drink it, then said (as only a mother would)..."Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is from the toilet?"


February 4, 2018 - Family Album
I come from a large family, five sisters and three brothers.

My sisters and I were looking through the family photo album one day. Picture after picture, we were all dressed in matching clothes. I asked my mother why she dressed us all alike, right down to the baby.

She explained, "When we had just four children, I dressed you alike so we wouldn't lose any of you. Then," she added, looking at the pictures in the album, "when the other five came along, I started dressing you alike so we won't pick up any that didn't belong to us."


February 3, 2018 - Measuring Hunger
The parents in our cycling group were discussing the subject of teenagers and their appetites. Most agreed that teenagers would eat anything, anywhere and at any time. Some were concerned that such appetites always made it hard to judge when you should feed them because they were always grazing.

A veteran parent of six children told us of his method for judging the true hunger of teenagers.

"I would hold up a piece of cold, cooked broccoli, and if they were jumping and snapping at it, I figured they were hungry enough to be fed."


February 2, 2018 - Wilderness Trip
The first carload of Boy Scouts had left my house minutes earlier, bound for our three-day wilderness trip. As I backed my own van load of Scouts out of my garage, I noticed a pair of hiking boots on the back steps, so I stopped to retrieve them.

An hour later, we caught up with the first car, which was parked at a highway rest stop. Seeing me pull up, my assistant Scout leader rolled down his window. "Your wife just called on my cell phone," he said. "She asked if you knew anything about the plumber's boots that were on your back steps."


February 1, 2018 - Penguin Ritual
Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica - where do they go? Wonder no more!!!

It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life.

The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintaining a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.

If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into and buried.

The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:

"Freeze a jolly good fellow."


They say that a preacher's wife is always his number one assistant.

An example of this comes one Sunday morning after the preacher had just finished his sermon. He went and sat down with his wife and she asked him how he thought the church service went.

The Preacher shrugged and said, "The worship was excellent, and I think the prayer and communion times went quite well, but," he continued, "I just don't think the sermon ever got off the ground."

The wife looked over at him, and before she could stop herself, she said, "Well, it sure did taxi long enough!"


February 8, 2018 - Florist Problem
Some monks were running low on funds, but didn't want to close up their monastery. After much consideration, they decided to start selling the flowers they grew. Soon after opening up shop, business boomed, much to their delight. They had plenty of cash now for burlap and oatmeal and everything else good monks need.

Unfortunately, the town already HAD a flower shop. The disgruntled owner of the rival store tried everything -- having discount sales, spreading slander about the monks, and even poisoning the monks' flower beds. Unfortunately, they'd been blessed and nothing could stop their little business.

Finally, the rival shop owner sought out a much-rumored-of man: Hugh. No one knew his last name, just that he got the job done, no questions asked. After the appropriate amount of money had changed hands, Hugh went over to the friars' place, thoroughly beat them silly, and then destroyed their flower beds.

The next day, the monks promptly boarded up the windows and closed shop permanently, thus proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.


February 5, 2018 - Tea Service
One day my mother was out and my dad was looking after me.

I was maybe 2 1/2 years old and had just recovered from a bad cold. Someone had given me a little tea set as a get-well gift and it was one of my favorite toys.

Dad was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought Daddy a little cup of "tea," which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such good tea, my mom came home.

Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea. ("It's just the cutest thing!") My mom waited and sure enough, I came down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy. She watched him drink it, then said (as only a mother would)..."Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is from the toilet?"


February 4, 2018 - Family Album
I come from a large family, five sisters and three brothers.

My sisters and I were looking through the family photo album one day. Picture after picture, we were all dressed in matching clothes. I asked my mother why she dressed us all alike, right down to the baby.

She explained, "When we had just four children, I dressed you alike so we wouldn't lose any of you. Then," she added, looking at the pictures in the album, "when the other five came along, I started dressing you alike so we won't pick up any that didn't belong to us."


February 3, 2018 - Measuring Hunger
The parents in our cycling group were discussing the subject of teenagers and their appetites. Most agreed that teenagers would eat anything, anywhere and at any time. Some were concerned that such appetites always made it hard to judge when you should feed them because they were always grazing.

A veteran parent of six children told us of his method for judging the true hunger of teenagers.

"I would hold up a piece of cold, cooked broccoli, and if they were jumping and snapping at it, I figured they were hungry enough to be fed."


February 2, 2018 - Wilderness Trip
The first carload of Boy Scouts had left my house minutes earlier, bound for our three-day wilderness trip. As I backed my own van load of Scouts out of my garage, I noticed a pair of hiking boots on the back steps, so I stopped to retrieve them.

An hour later, we caught up with the first car, which was parked at a highway rest stop. Seeing me pull up, my assistant Scout leader rolled down his window. "Your wife just called on my cell phone," he said. "She asked if you knew anything about the plumber's boots that were on your back steps."


February 1, 2018 - Penguin Ritual
Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica - where do they go? Wonder no more!!!

It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life.

The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintaining a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.

If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into and buried.

The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:

"Freeze a jolly good fellow."

January 2018

January 29, 2018 - Coast Guard Keeping
My daughter Michelle is the commander of a Coast Guard Cutter. When she gave my husband Bob a tour of her ship, he was impressed by the neatness of all decks.

However, when Bob went to Michelle's house with her, he couldn't believe the disorganization. "Why is everything in its place on your ship," he asked, "but your house is such a mess?"

"My house," Michelle said, "does not take 30-degree rolls."


January 28 - 2018 - Fulfilled Dreams
There was a blind girl who hated herself because she was blind. She hated everyone, except her loving boyfriend. He was always there for her. She told her boyfriend, "If I could only see the world, I will marry you."' One day, someone donated a pair of eyes to her. When the bandages came off, she was able to see everything, including her boyfriend.

He asked her, "Now that you can see the world, will you marry me?" The girl looked at her boyfriend and saw that he was blind. The sight of his closed eyelids shocked her. She hadn't expected that. The thought of looking at them the rest of her life led her to refuse to marry him.

Her boyfriend left in tears and days later wrote a note to her saying: "Take good care of your eyes, my dear, for before they were yours, they were mine."

This is how the human brain often works when our status changes.

Only a very few remember what life was like before, and who was always by their side in the most painful situations.


January 27, 2018 - Trip Tickets
Mr. and Mrs. Frobisher had just reached the airport in the nick of time to catch the plane for their two-week's vacation in Majorca. "I wish we'd brought the piano with us," said Mr. Frobisher.

"What on earth for?" asked his wife.

"I've left the tickets on it."


January 26, 2018 - Last Marathon
Last year I entered the New York City Marathon. The race started and immediately I was the last of the runners. It was embarrassing.

The guy who was in front of me, second to last, was making fun of me. He said, "Hey buddy, how does it feel to be last?"

I replied: "You really want to know?"

Then I dropped out of the race.


January 25, 2018 - Government
A zoning board had just been set up in a new community. A homeowner went to the office to request permission to build a small tool shed in his backyard.

"Do you have a plan?" asked the director.

"Oh, yes," said the owner, who showed him a map of his neighborhood, the dimension of his yard, and a sketch of the shed.

"That looks fine," said the director. He pulled out a piece of paper, wrote a few words on it, copied it, and said, "Here's your permission."

A month later, a neighbor in exactly the same situation also wanted permission for a shed in her yard. She went to the director, got as far as a secretary, and made her request. "Thank you, Mrs. Smith," said the secretary, taking the documents. "Telephone me in two weeks and I'll let you know what the director's decision is, or what further steps are necessary."

"But," groaned Mrs. Smith, "a month ago my neighbor got permission right away."

"Oh, yes," said the secretary, "but that was before we finally got organized."


January 22, 2018 - On Call
A well-respected surgeon was relaxing on his sofa one evening just after arriving home from work. As he was tuning into the evening news, the phone rang. The doctor calmly answered it and heard the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the line.

"We need a fourth for our card game," said the friend.

"I'll be right over," whispered the doctor.

As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, "Is it serious?"

"Oh yes, quite serious," said the doctor gravely. "In fact, three doctors are there already!"


January 21, 2018 - Fishing
"Give a man a fish and feed him for a day.; give a man a stick of dynamite and soon the whole village will be strewn with mud, seaweed, and unidentifiable chunks of fish.


January 20, 2018 - Sea Counseling
One afternoon The Sea rolled into the office of Dr. Alfred Werner, clinical psychologist.

The doctor smiled; he hadn't seen his old friend in ages. "Well, well! Long time no sea! How are you doing?"

"Swell," replied the Sea saltily.

"Then what, Pacifically, is the problem?"

"Well," the Sea swished sadly, "I'm getting tired of just going in and out every day, in and out, in and out, in and--"

"I understand," Dr. Werner interrupted hastily, "but I fear there's nothing to be done about it. For you see, my friend, you're just fit to be tide."


January 19, 2018 - Cookie Calories
A husband took his young daughter to the grocery store to help him buy groceries. In addition to the healthy items on his wife's carefully prepared list, the two of them returned home with a package of sugar-filled cookies.

"Why in the world did you buy those?" his wife asked. "You know they aren't good for you!"

"Oh, but don't worry, honey, these cookies have one-third less calories than usual in them," the husband replied.

The wife looked all over the package but couldn't find any claim to that fact, so she asked, "What makes you think that?"

"We ate about a third of the box on the way home."


January 18, 2018 - Negotiation
My mother began getting calls from people who misdialed the similar number of a new computer repair business. Mom, who had had her number for years, asked the owner of the company to have the number changed. He refused. The calls kept coming day and night.

Finally, Mom began telling the people who called that the company had gone out of business. Within a week, the computer repair company voluntarily changed its number.


January 15, 2018 - Smoke Detector Lesson
One Sunday morning when my son, David, was about 5, we were attending a church in our community. It was common for the preacher to invite the children to the front of the church and have a small lesson before beginning the sermon. He would bring in an item they could find around the house and relate it to a teaching from the Bible.

This particular morning, the visual aid for his lesson was a smoke detector. He asked the children if anyone knew what it meant when an alarm sounded from the smoke detector.

My child immediately raised his hand and said, "It means Daddy's cooking dinner."


January 14, 2009 - Generations
"When my husband, Mark, took his beat-up pickup truck to our insurance agent for a pre-insurance inspection, the teen-age receptionist was sent to look over the truck. Armed with a checklist and a few simple questions, she breezed through the chore. She asked, "What are the age and make of the vehicle?"

Mark replied, "It's a '65 Ford." Apologetic about its desperate condition, he added, "It's an old fossil."

Inside, the office assistant entered the data into her computer and frowned. "Is there a problem?" asked Mark.

"Mr. Evans, our computers have a lot of automotive data," she explained, "but it's never heard of a Ford Fossil."


January 13, 2018 - Sewing Lesson
My granddaughter came to spend a few weeks with me, and I decided to teach her to sew.

After I had gone through a lengthy explanation of how to thread the machine, she stepped back, put her hands on her hips, and said in disbelief, "You mean you can do all that, but you can't operate my Game Boy?"


January 12, 2018 - Doctor's Orders
"You're going out to play golf again?" Dewey’s wife complained.

"I'm only doing under doctors orders."

"Do I look stupid to you?!"

"But it’s true," he said, while walking out the door. "Dr. Wilson told me specifically that I should get some iron every day."


January 11, 2018 - Counting the Days
A fellow cop from our precinct had only a few months left on the job, and he could always be heard ticking off the weeks, days, hours, and minutes.

Our chief was not amused. "I've been on the job for 43 years, and I've never counted off the days until I'm outta here," he said to me.

I couldn't help agreeing with him. "That's because everyone else is counting for you."


January 8, 2018 - Hard Work
I saw an interview on TV with an old farmer who won ten million dollars in the lottery.

Naturally he was asked what he was going do with all that money.

He scratched his head and said, "Not sure as I know right off. Guess I'll keep farmin' till it's all gone."


January 7, 2018 - You Might Be a School Employee If

YOU might be a school employee if you want to slap the next person who says, "Must be nice to work 8 to 3:30 and have summers off."

YOU might be a school employee if it is difficult to name your own child because there's no name you can come up with that doesn't bring high blood pressure as it is uttered.

YOU might be a school employee if you believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says, "Boy, the kids sure are mellow today."

YOU might be a school employee if you encourage an obnoxious parent to check into charter schools or home schooling and are willing to donate the U-HAUL boxes should they decided to move out of district.

YOU might be a school employee if you think caffeine should be available in intravenous form.

YOU might be a school employee if you can't imagine how the ACLU could think that covering your students chair with Velcro and then requiring uniforms made out of the corresponding Velcro could ever be misunderstood by the public.

YOU might be a school employee if meeting a child's parent instantly answers this question, "Why is this kid like this?"

YOU might be a school employee if you would choose a tooth filling over a parent conference.

YOU might be a school employee if you know how many days, minutes, and seconds are left in the school year.


January 6, 2018 - Auto Accidents
Most auto accidents are caused by mechanical faults - like the loose nut behind the steering wheel.


January 5, 2018 - Shrinking Clothes
"Amazing - you hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks 2 sizes!"


January 4, 2018 - Dryer Message
As a lobbyist in Washington, DC, I'd just finished up a meeting with a Congressman when I stopped to use the restroom.

After washing my hands, I stepped over to the hand dryer and noticed that someone had taped a note to the machine.

The note said, "Push button for message from Congress."


January 1, 2018 - Excuses For Missing Work

~ I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. Okay?
~ I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have that deadline to meet...
~ I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Food Giant.
~ Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about them Skins, huh? So, I won't be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I'll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling.
~ I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.
~ The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet.
~ I prefer to remain an enigma.
~ I can't come to work today because the EPA has determined that my house is completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for helicopter transportation.
~ I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian.
~ I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates.
~ I refuse to travel to my job until there is a commuter tax. I insist on paying my fair share.
~ I've used up all my sick days...so I'm calling in dead.
~ I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half back an hour Saturday and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time continuum loop, reliving Sunday (right up until the explosion). I was able to exit the loop only by reversing the polarity of the power source exactly e*log(pi) clocks in the house while simultaneously rapping my dog on the snout with a rolled up Times. Accordingly, I will be in late, or early.