Good, Clean Jokes and Funny Stories


Good, Clean Jokes and Funny Stories


While the Bible isn't a joke book, it is obvious that humor played an important role in Hebrew culture. When drought hit Jacob's world he turned to his sons and said, "Why are you staring at one another...Go down [to Egypt] and buy some for us" (Gen 42:1-2). I also hear humor in some of Jesus' remarks, like when He renamed James and John the "sons of thunder" or when He said the Pharisees where like whitewashed tombs, full of dead men's bones (Matt 23). I think we need the picture of Jesus laughing and enjoying people. In fact, while Jesus indeed had many hard things to say, He was also full of emotion, joy and celebration. Even as He rebuked the Pharisees, we see a glimpse of His demeanor in ministry when He scolded them saying, "We played the flute for you, but you would not dance" (Matt 11). There was something very non-religious in Jesus that laughter, celebration and humor is part of. Hopefully, these jokes, stories and quips will help make your day more merry as you walk with the Lord Jesus through this world.

Francis

September 2016


Top Ten Amish Spring Break Activities - September 30, 2016
10. Drink molasses 'til you heave.
9. Wet bonnet contest.
8. Stuff as many guys as you can into a buggy.
7. Buttermilk kegger.
6. Blow past the Dairy Queen on a really smokin' Clydesdale.
5. Get a tattoo: "Born to raise barns."
4. Cruise streets of Belleville shouting insults at people with zippers.
3. Sleep 'til 6 a.m.
2. Drive over to Allensville and kick some Mennonite butt.
1. Churn butter in short sleeves.


No ID - September 29, 2016
A woman went into a hardware store to purchase a bale of peat moss.

She gave a personal check in payment and said to the clerk, "I suppose you will want some identification."

He replied, without hesitation, "No ma'am, that won't be necessary."

"How come?" asked the woman.

"Crooks don't buy peat moss," answered the clerk.




A Dog Named Bear - September 28, 2016
Friends of ours owned a huge Great Dane named "Bear." He looked menacing but was actually quite harmless. Though Bear has gone on to doggy heaven here are two great stories they often tell.

Bear's playground was a fenced yard about 40 feet square. With a mere 3 foot fence his head easily reached over the top. Standing on his haunches it looked like he could walk over the fence. One of the neighbor boys asked the owner if he could jump the fence. "Shhhhh," she replied. "He can - but don't tell him."

Then, One day the man of the house was assaulted by the sound of a stereo large enough to power a theatre mounted in a car trunk. Looking out the window he saw what appeared to be a drug deal. No problem, he clicked on Bears' chain and took him out. Marching right up to the occupants and pointing to the dog he mouthed these words over the noise, "My dog doesn't like your music."

The stereo was immediately silenced and the car quickly disappeared from sight.


Get Your Sister - September 27, 2016
A salesman telephoned a household and a young boy answered.

"May I speak to your mother?" the salesman asked.

The boy replied, "She's not here right now."

The salesman then asked, "Is there anyone else there?"

The boy replied, "My sister."

The salesman asked, "May I speak to her"?

The boy replied, "I guess so."

At this point there was a long period of silence on the phone.

Then the boy returned and said, "Hello?"

The salesman responded, "It's you again? I thought you were going to get your sister."

To which the boy replied, "I tried, but I can't get her out of the playpen!"


Pleasure For A Season - September 26, 2016
"Mummy, my turtle's dead," the little boy, Andrew, sorrowfully told his mother, holding the turtle out to her in his hand.

The mother kissed him on the head, then said, "That's all right. We'll wrap him in tissue paper, put him in a little box, then have a nice burial ceremony in the back yard. After that, we'll go out for an ice cream soda, and then get you a new pet."

"Ice cream?" the little boy said, wiping his tears and smiling. "Oh boy!"

His mother said: "I don't want you..."

Her voice trailed off as she noticed the turtle move. "Andrew, you're turtle isn't dead after all!"

"Oh," the disappointed boy said. "Can I kill it?"


Things Women Will Never Say - September 23, 2016
Don't be too quick to be offended - you'll find a list of things women will never say at:

You know, I've been complaining a lot lately. I don't blame you for ignoring me.

That was fun, when will all of your friends be over to watch football again?

While you were in the bathroom, they went for it on fourth down and missed. If they can hold them to a field goal they'll still cover.

I liked that wedding even more than ours. Your ex-girlfriend has class.

That girl is wearing the same outfit as I am. Cool, I'm gonna go over and talk to her.

I love hearing stories about your old girlfriends, tell me more.

I like using this new lawn mower so much more than the old one, what a wonderful Valentine's Day present!

Let's just leave the toilet seat up at all times, then you don't have to mess with it anymore.
I'm so happy with my new hairstyle, I don't think I'll ever change it again.


Speeding Ticket - September 22, 2016
A lady who was speeding had an officer pull her to the side of the road. She didn't have her seat belt on so as soon as she stopped, she quickly slipped it on before the officer got to her window.

After talking to her about speeding, the officer said, "I see you are wearing your seat belt. Do you believe in wearing it at all times?"

"Yes, I do, officer," she replied.
"Well," asked the officer, "do you always do it up with it looped through your steering wheel?"

Soul Winning Efforts
A very zealous soul-winning young preacher recently came upon a farmer working in his field. Being concerned about the farmer's soul, the preacher asked the man, "Are you laboring in the vineyard of the Lord, my good man?"

Not even looking at the preacher and continuing his work, the farmer replied, "Naw, these are soybeans."

"You don't understand," said the preacher. "Are you a Christian?"

With the same amount of interest as his previous answer, the farmer said, "Nope my name is Jones. 
You must be lookin' for Jim Christian. He lives a mile south of here."

The young, determined preacher tried again, asking the farmer, "Are you lost?"

"Naw! I've lived here all my life," answered the farmer.

"Are you prepared for the resurrection?" the frustrated preacher asked.

This caught the farmer's attention and he asked, "When's it gonna be?"
 
Thinking he had accomplished something, the young preacher replied, "It could be today, tomorrow or the next day."

Taking a handkerchief from his back pocket and wiping his brow, the farmer remarked, "Well, don't mention it to my wife. She don't get out much, and she'll wanna go all three days."


Judgement, Self Righteousness, Assumption - September 20, 2016
A man sees another leaning against the wall of a large building. The second man is puffing away, one cigarette after another.

The nonsmoker says, "Sir, I couldn't help noticing how you chain-smoke. How many packs do you smoke a day?"

"Four."

"How long have you been smoking?"

"Thirty years."

"That's over six thousand packs. Why, if you didn't smoke, you could have saved enough money to buy this building."

The smoker takes a deep puff and says, "Do you smoke?"

"Never."

"Do you own this building?"

"No."

"Well, I do."



CaNaDa - September 19, 2016
Back in the 1800s, Canada's founding fathers gathered to brainstorm and discuss a name for their new country.

One of the founding fathers really liked what the neighbors to the south did and pitched the idea. "'USA' is simple. It's catchy. It works. How about if we put the letters of the alphabet in a hockey helmet, pull out three, and that's our name. What do you think, eh?"

Everyone liked the idea and approved. So the 26 letters of the alphabet went into a helmet, and one of the founding fathers picked the three letters. He read them off as he picked them.

"C, eh......N, eh.......D, eh"


Signs You Aren't Very Competent With A Computer - September 16, 2016
- You've backed-up your desktop by pushing it against the wall.
- You've put foam around the computer to prevent it from crashing.
- The soles of your shoes are worn out from re-booting your computer.
- You try to clear the screen by shaking the monitor up and down.
- You're Amish


Willful Sins, Signs VS. Obedience - September 15, 2016
By the time Ted arrived at the football game, the first quarter was almost over.

"Why are you so late?" his friend asked.

I had to toss a coin to decide between going to church and coming to the game."

"How long could that have taken you?"

"Well, I had to toss it 14 times."


Cooking Terms - September 14, 2016
Tongue: A variety of meat, rarely served because it clearly crosses the line between a cut of beef and a piece of dead cow.

Yogurt: Semi-solid dairy product made from partially evaporated and fermented milk. Yogurt is one of only three foods that taste exactly the same as they sound. The other two are goulash and squid.

Recipe: A series of step-by-step instructions for preparing ingredients you forgot to buy, in utensils 
you don't own, to make a dish the dog won't eat.

Porridge: Thick oatmeal rarely found on tables since
children were granted the right to sue their parents. The name is an amalgamation of the words 

"Putrid," "hORRId," and "sluDGE."

Preheat: To turn on the heat in an oven for a period of time before cooking a dish, so that the fingers may be burned when the food is put in, as well as when it is removed.

Oven: Compact home incinerator used for disposing of bulky pieces of meat and poultry.

Microwave Oven: Space-age kitchen appliance that uses the principle of radar to locate and immediately destroy any food placed within the cooking compartment.

Calorie: Basic measure of the amount of rationalization offered by the average individual prior to taking a second helping of a particular food.


The Little Voice - September 13, 2016
A guy gets home from work one night and hears a little voice. The little voice tells him, "Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go to Vegas." The man is disturbed at what he hears and ignores the little voice.

The next day, when he gets home from work, the same thing happens. The little voice tells him, "Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go to Vegas." Again, the man ignores the little voice, though he is very troubled by the event.

Every day, day after day, the man hears the same little voice when he gets home from work, "Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go to Vegas." Each time the man hears the little voice he becomes increasingly upset. Finally, after two weeks, he succumbs to the pressure. He does quit his job, sells his house, takes his money and heads to Vegas.

The moment the man gets off the plane in Vegas, the little voice tells him, "Go to Harrah's." So, he hops in a cab and rushes over to Harrah's.

As soon as he sets foot in the casino, the little voice tells him, "Go to the roulette table." The man does as he is told. When he gets to the roulette table, the little voice tells him, "Put all your money on 17."

Nervously, the man exchanges all his money for chips and then puts them all on 17.

The dealer wishes the man good luck and spins the roulette wheel. Around and around the ball caroms. The man anxiously watches the ball as it slowly loses speed until finally it settles into number... 21.

The little voice says, "Oops..."



If You Love Something Variations - September 12, 2016
The Original Version:
If you love something,
Set it free...
If it comes back, it's yours;
If it doesn't, it never was yours.

The Pessimist Version:
If you love somebody,
Set her free ...
If she ever comes back, she's yours;
If she doesn't, well, as expected, she never was.

The Optimist Version:
If you love somebody,
Set her free ...
Don't worry, she will come back.

The Suspicious Version:
If you love somebody,
Set her free ...
If she comes back, ask her why.

The Impatient Version:
If you love somebody,
Set her free ...
If she doesn't comes back within some time limit,
forget her.

The Patient Version:
If you love somebody,
Set her free ...
If she doesn't come back, continue to wait
until she comes back ...

The Playful Version:
If you love somebody,
Set her free ...
If she comes back, and if you love her still,
set her free again. Repeat
  
More If You Love Something Variations - September 9, 2016
The Lawyer's Version:
If you love somebody,
Set her free...
Clause 1a of Paragraph 13a-1 in the second
amendment of the Matrimonial Freedom Act clearly states that...

The Bill Gates Version:
If you love somebody,
Set her free...
If she comes back,
I think we can charge her for re-installation fees
and tell her that she's also going to get an upgrade.

The Statistician's Version:
If you love somebody,
Set her free...
If she loves you, the probability of her coming back is high;
If she doesn't, your relationship was improbable anyway.

The Possessive Version:
If you love somebody
don't ever set her free.

The Mba Version:
If you love somebody
set her free...
instantaneously...
and look for others simultaneously.

The Psychologist's Version:
If you love somebody
set her free...
If she comes back, her super ego is dominant;
If she doesn't come, back her id is supreme;
If she doesn't go, she must be crazy.

The Finance Expert Version:
If you love somebody
set her free...
If she comes back, its time to look for fresh loans;
If she doesn't, write her off as an asset gone bad.

The Marketing Version:
If you love somebody
set her free...
If she comes back, she has brand loyalty;
If she doesn't, reposition the brand in new markets.


Bedside Manner - September 8, 2016
The doctor was making her rounds and walked into the semi-private room in the hospital to examine old Mrs. Williams.

After the exam in his best professional voice, she said smoothly, "You are coughing much more easily this morning."

"I should," snapped the patient, "I've been practicing all night."


Missing You - September 7, 2016
Dave went on a business trip for a few days.

When he returned, his wife reported that the dog really missed him.

"She spent every night at the front door, awaiting your return," she said.

"What an example of true love," Dave replied. "I wonder if you'd be that concerned about me?"

"Honey," she answered, "if you were gone overnight, and I didn't know where you were, you can be sure I'd be waiting for you at the front door."


Generosity - September 6, 2016
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.

A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk.

Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes"
WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, . . go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2005 models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$60,000"
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing .... The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000"
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer 900,000."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.

Then he asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"


Age - September 5, 2016
When you are young, you want to be the master of your fate and the captain of your soul.
When you are older, you will settle for being the master of your weight and the captain of your bowling team.

Rest, Busyness - September 2, 2016
Helen and Amanda were discussing their busy schedules.

Helen said, "Amanda, I must ask you something. Every day I feel incredibly run down and tired. And yet, I see you looking as fresh as a rose. I have to know: what's your secret?"

"My secret? Every morning, without fail, I wake up at six o'clock sharp."

"You wake up at six o'clock?"

"Yes, and then I look at the clock, see what time it is, and go back to sleep for another four hours."



Farmer Comeback - September 1, 2016
A wise old farmer went to town to buy a pickup truck that he saw advertised in the paper for a certain price. After telling the salesman which truck he wanted, they sat down to do the paperwork. When the salesman handed the farmer the bill, and the farmer exclaimed, "This isn't the price I saw!"

The salesman went on to tell the farmer how he was getting extras such as power brakes, power windows, special tires etc. and that was what raised the price up.  The farmer needed the truck badly, paid the price and went home.

A few months later, the salesman called up the farmer and said, "My son is in 4-H and he needs a cow for a project. Do you have any for sale?"
The farmer said, "Yes, I have a few cows, and I would sell for $500.00 a piece.  Come look at them and take your pick."

The salesman and his son appeared a short while later and after spending a few hours in the field checking out all the cows the two decided on one and the salesman proceeded to write out a check for $500.00.

The farmer said, "Now, wait a minute, that's not the final price of the cow. You're getting extras with it and you have to pay for that too."

"What extras?" asked the salesman.

The farmer then handed him the following list:
BASIC COW..............................$500.00
Two tone exterior.......................$45.00
Extra stomach............................$75.00
Product storing equipment.......$60.00
Straw compartment...................$120.00
4 Spigots @$10 ea...................$40.00
Leather upholstery.....................$125.00
Dual horns..................................$45.00
Automatic fly swatter.................$38.00
fertilizer attachment...................$185.00
GRAND TOTAL.......................$1,233.00