Good, Clean Jokes and Funny Stories


Good, Clean Jokes and Funny Stories


While the Bible isn't a joke book, it is obvious that humor played an important role in Hebrew culture. When drought hit Jacob's world he turned to his sons and said, "Why are you staring at one another...Go down [to Egypt] and buy some for us" (Gen 42:1-2). I also hear humor in some of Jesus' remarks, like when He renamed James and John the "sons of thunder" or when He said the Pharisees where like whitewashed tombs, full of dead men's bones (Matt 23). I think we need the picture of Jesus laughing and enjoying people. In fact, while Jesus indeed had many hard things to say, He was also full of emotion, joy and celebration. Even as He rebuked the Pharisees, we see a glimpse of His demeanor in ministry when He scolded them saying, "We played the flute for you, but you would not dance" (Matt 11). There was something very non-religious in Jesus that laughter, celebration and humor is part of. Hopefully, these jokes, stories and quips will help make your day more merry as you walk with the Lord Jesus through this world.

Francis

June 2016


Bathroom Sign - June 30, 2016
Dear Pastor Tim, this is a true story, It was Thanksgiving day and my friend's hall bathroom was not working.

She had another bathroom off the master bedroom so she asked her pre-teen daughter to put a sign on the hall bathroom door and close the door.

Due to all the busyness with preparations for the big event (she has a very large family to prepare for) she never got the opportunity to even stop to go to the bathroom until all her guests had left that day.

When she walked down the hall toward her bedroom, she glanced over and saw the sign her young daughter had written on the hall bathroom door.

It read, "Out of odor."


Quitting Smoking - June 29, 2016
John was visiting a friend in the hospital. He had recently quit smoking and was chewing on an unlit cigar when he got on the elevator. A woman on the elevator said to him with a snarl, "Sir! There's no smoking in here!"

'I'm not smoking lady," replied John.

"But you have a cigar in your mouth!" the woman said.

"Lady," John answered, "I've got Jockey shorts on too, but I'm not riding a horse!"

Golf Comeback - June 28, 2016
A fellow is getting ready to tee-off on the first hole when a second fellow approaches and asks if he can join him.  The first says that he usually plays alone but agrees to let the second guy join him.

Both are even after the first couple of holes.  The second guy says, "Say, we're about evenly matched, how about we play for five bucks a hole?"

The first fellow says that he usually plays alone and doesn't like to bet but agrees to the terms just to be friendly.  Well, the second guy wins the rest of the holes and as they're walking off of the eighteenth hole (and he is counting his $80) he confesses that he's the pro at a neighboring course and likes to pick on suckers.

The first fellow reveals that he's the Parish Priest at the local Catholic Church to which the second fellow gets all flustered and apologetic and offers to give the Priest back his money. The Priest says, "No, no. You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings."

The pro says, "Well, is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"

The Priest says, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation. And if you bring your mother and father by after Mass, I'll marry them for you."


Computer Dating - June 27, 2016

A hopeful suitor dropped into a computer-dating center and registered his qualifications.

He wanted someone who enjoyed water sports, liked company, favored formal attire, and was very small.

The computer operated faultlessly.

It sent him a penguin.


Passion - June 24, 2016
The customer ordering a floral arrangement from my shop was giving me very specific guidelines. "Nothing fragrant," she instructed. "Nothing too tall or too wild. And no bright colors, please. My house is decorated in beige and cream. Here is a wallpaper sample." She handed me a plain square of tan-colored paper.

"Your name?" I asked.

"Mrs. Bland," the woman replied.

Free 3D Printer - June 23, 2016
Here is how to get a free 3D printer:

Step 1: Buy a 3D printer

Step 2: Print a 3D printer.

Step 3: Return the 3D printer.


Granny's Visit - June 22, 2016
Little Tony was so happy to see his grandmother that he ran up and gave her a big hug.

"I'm so happy to see you, grandma. Now daddy will have to do that trick he's been promising to do!"

His grandmother was curious. "What trick is that, sweetie?"

The little guy smiled at her, "I heard daddy tell mommy that he would climb the walls if you came to visit us again!"


Twin Calves - June 21, 2016
A farmer's cow gave birth to twin bull calves. The farmer was delighted as bull calves are worth more than a cow calf.  Since he had two he decided to sell one for the work of the Lord once it was fully grown.

However one of the calves soon grew sick, and then sicker until one day the farmer came into the house one day looking sad.

He looked at his wife and said, "You'll never guess what's just happened? The Lord's calf is dead!"


Cafeteria Sign - June 20, 2016
Children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic school for lunch.

At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note: "Take only one, God is watching."

Moving through the line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

A boy wrote a note: "Take all you want, God is watching the apples."


Self-Confidence Test - June 17, 2016
Are you confident in your self-confidence? Try this test.

First Question: You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in?

Answer: If you answered that you are first, then you are absolutely wrong! If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are second!

Try not to mess up in the next question. To answer the second question, don't take as much time as you took for the first question.

Second Question: If you overtake the last person, then you are...?

Answer: If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST person?!

You're not very good at this are you?

Third Question: Very tricky math! Note: This must be done in your head only. Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it.

Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000. Now add 30. Add another 1000. Now add 20. Now add another 1000. Now add 10. What is the total?

Scroll down for answer.


Did you get 5000? The correct answer is actually 4100.

Don't believe it? Check with your calculator! Today is definitely not your day. Maybe you will get the last question right?

Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono. What is the name of the fifth daughter?

Scroll down for answer.


Answer: Nunu? NO! Of course not. Her name is Mary. Read the question again!


Coffee Delay - June 16, 2016

In a rush to work one morning, I pulled up to the drive-through window at a fast-food restaurant and ordered some coffee.

Because I was in a hurry, I asked them to put a couple of ice cubes in the coffee so it would cool down more quickly and I could drink it faster.

I sat there at the pickup window for a few minutes, wondering where they had to go to get my coffee, when a frustrated teenager finally came up and said, "I'm sorry for the delay, but the ice you wanted in your coffee keeps melting!"

Chicken And Rice
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you'll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.


Brotherly Advice - June 15, 2016
Charlie was playing with his little brother Mickey when the little boy asked whether he could fly like Superman.

"Sure you can, Mickey," Charlie said. "Just flap your arms really hard."

So Mickey climbed up on the windowsill, started flapping like mad, jumped, then smashed into the ground just a few inches below.

Horrified, their mother came screaming into the room and said, "What happened?"

Charlie said, "I was just teaching Mickey not to believe everything he's told."


Letter From Mom - June 14, 2016
When the man came home, his wife was crying.

"Your mother insulted me," she sobbed.

"My mother? How could she do that when she is on vacation on the other side of the world?" the man asked.

"I know. But this morning a letter addressed to you and marked private arrived. I opened it because I was curious."

"And?"

"At the end of the letter it was written: PS. Dear Diane, when you have finished reading this letter, don't forget to give it to my son."


Some Things You Keep - June 13, 2016
Some things you keep. Like good teeth. Warm coats. Bald husbands & chubby wives. They're good for you, reliable and practical and so sublime that to throw them away would make the garbage man a thief. So you hang on to the older gifts, because something old is sometimes better than something new, and what you know is often better than a stranger.

Here are my thoughts, they make me sound old, old and tame and dull at a time when everybody else is frisky and racy and flashing all that's new and improved in their lives. New spouses, new careers, new thighs, new lips. The world is dizzy with trade-ins. I could keep track, but I don't think I want to.

I grew up in the fifties with practical parents - a mother, God bless her, who washed aluminum foil after she cooked in it, then reused it-and still does. A father who was happier getting old shoes fixed than buying new ones.

They weren't poor, my parents, they were just satisfied. Their marriage was good, their dreams focused. Their best friends lived barely a wave away. I can see them now, fifties couples in Bermuda shorts and Banlon sweaters, lawnmower in one hand, tools in the other.

The tools were for fixing things - a curtain rod, the kitchen radio, screen door, the oven door, the hem in a dress.

Things you keep. It was a way of life, and sometimes it made me crazy. All that re-fixing, reheating, renewing, I wanted just once to be wasteful. Waste meant affluence.

Throwing things away meant there'd always be more. But then my father died, and on that clear autumn night, in the chill of the hospital room, I was struck with the pain of learning that sometimes there isn't any 'more.' Sometimes what you care about most gets all used up and goes away, never to return.

So while you have it, it's best to love it and care for it and fix it when it's broken and heal it when it's sick. That's true for marriage and friends and old cars and children with bad report cards and dogs with bad hips and aging parents. You keep them because they're worth it, because you're worth it.

Sometimes the best gifts are the old ones that you have already received. Receive the old gifts again, by looking around and appreciating your life, the people and the things in it...for they are the true gifts of life.


Long Passwords - June 13, 2016
My kids love going to the Web, and they keep track of their passwords by writing them on Post-it notes.

I noticed their Disney password was "MickeyMinnieGoofyPluto," and so I asked why it was so long.

"Because," my son explained, "they say it has to have at least four characters."


Tough Kids - June 10, 2016
Three little boys were bragging about how tough they were.

"I'm so tough", said the first boy, "that I can wear out a pair of shoes in a week".

"Well", said the second little boy, "I'm so tough, I can wear out a pair of jeans in a day".

"That's nothing", said the third boy. "When my parents take me to see my grandma and grandpa, I can wear them out in just one hour."


Hypocritical Complaints - June 9, 2016
Frank visited a farmer to talk to him about Christ. "I wouldn't come to church up there," the farmer said. "I know old Bill who claims to be a Christian and his sister Clara who claims to be a Christian and they don't live any differently from me. I'm as good as they are."

Everywhere the farmer went he was in the habit of talking about the hypocrites he knew in that Church. Months passed and Frank went to see the farmer again. "I want to buy a hog", he said. The farmer showed all his best hogs to him. Then they came to the runt. "I believe I will take that one," Frank said.

The farmer replied, "BUT you don't want that one. He's the runt of the litter." "I sure do," Frank replied. So they loaded the runt in the truck.

"Now," Frank said, "what if I take this pig here from your farm and ride all over this area telling folks that this is the kind of hogs you raise?" "That's not fair!" the farmer exclaimed. "I have some nice hogs and you want to show people that runt?!"

Frank replied, "If it's fair for the church it's fair for the farm!"


Age Gamble - June 8, 2016
A lady was having a bad day at the roulette tables in Vegas and she was down to her last $50.

Exasperated, she exclaimed, "What rotten luck! What in the world should I do now?"

A man standing next to her suggested, "I don't know... why don't you play your age?" and walked away.

Moments later, his attention was grabbed by a great commotion at the roulette table. "Maybe she won!" he thought.  Rushing back to the table and pushing his way through the crowd he found the lady lying limp on the floor, with the table operator kneeling over her.

The man was stunned.  He asked, "What happened? Is she all right?"

The operator replied, "I don't know. She put all her money on 29 and 36 came up. Then she just fainted!"


Private Peters - June 7, 2016
The drill sergeant making his morning announcements to a group of newcomers in a training camp, stated:

"Today, gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news.

First, the good. Private Peters will be setting the pace on our morning run.' With this the platoon was overjoyed, as Private Peters was overweight and terribly slow.

But then the drill sergeant finished his statement:

"Now for the bad news. Private Peters will be driving a truck."


Pastoral Visit - June 6, 2016

After the birth of their child, an Episcopal priest, wearing his clerical collar, visited his wife in the hospital.

He greeted her with a hug and a kiss, and gave her another hug and kiss when he left.

Later, the wife's roommate commented:

"Your pastor is sure friendlier than mine."


Tombstone Epitaphs - June 2, 2016
Hope these old tombstone epitaphs are still funny to you.

Harry Edsel Smith of Albany, New York:

Born 1903-Died 1942

Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the car was on the way down.

It was.
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In a Thurmont, Maryland, cemetery:
Here lies an Atheist
All dressed up And no place to go.
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In a LondonCemetery Jokes, England cemetery:
Here lies Ann Mann,
Who lived an old maid
But died an old Mann.
Dec.  8, 1767
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In a Ribbesford, England, cemetery:
Anna Wallace:
The children of Israel wanted bread,
And the Lord sent them manna.
Old clerk Wallace wanted a wife,
And the Devil sent him Anna.
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In a Ruidoso, New Mexico, cemetery:
Here lies Johnny Yeast.
Pardon me For not rising.
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In a Uniontown, Pennsylvania, cemetery:
Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake.
Stepped on the gas
Instead of the brake.
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In a Silver City, Nevada, cemetery:
Here lays The Kid.
We planted him raw.
He was quick on the trigger
But slow on the draw.
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A lawyer's epitaph in England:
Sir John Strange.
Here lies an honest lawyer,
And that is Strange.
*****************************
John Penny's epitaph in the Wimborne, England, cemetery:
Reader, if cash thou art In want of any,
Dig 6 feet deep;
And thou wilt find a Penny.
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In a cemetery in Hartscombe, England:
On the 22nd of June,
Jonathan Fiddle Went out of tune.
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Anna Hopewell's grave in Enosburg Falls,Vermont
Here lies the body of our Anna -
Done to death by a banana.
It wasn't the fruit that laid her low,
But the skin of the thing that made her go.
******************************
On a grave from the 1880s in Nantucket, Massachusetts:
Under the sod and under the trees,
Lies the body of Jonathan Pease.
He is not here, there's only the pod.
Pease shelled out and went to God.
*****************************
In a cemetery in England:
Remember man, as you walk by,
As you are now, so once was I.
As I am now, you soon will be.
Prepare yourself and follow me.
To which someone replied by writing on the tombstone:
To follow you I'll not consent
Until I know which way you went
******************************
Last add, from Boot Hill, in Tombstone, Arizona:
Here lies Lester Moore
One slug from a 44
No Les
No More
******************************

Starting Over - June 1, 2016
The mother of three notoriously unruly youngsters was asked whether or not she'd have children if she had to do over again.

"Sure," she replied, "but not the same ones."