Good, Clean Jokes and Funny Stories


Good, Clean Jokes and Funny Stories


While the Bible isn't a joke book, it is obvious that humor played an important role in Hebrew culture. When drought hit Jacob's world he turned to his sons and said, "Why are you staring at one another...Go down [to Egypt] and buy some for us" (Gen 42:1-2). I also hear humor in some of Jesus' remarks, like when He renamed James and John the "sons of thunder" or when He said the Pharisees where like whitewashed tombs, full of dead men's bones (Matt 23). I think we need the picture of Jesus laughing and enjoying people. In fact, while Jesus indeed had many hard things to say, He was also full of emotion, joy and celebration. Even as He rebuked the Pharisees, we see a glimpse of His demeanor in ministry when He scolded them saying, "We played the flute for you, but you would not dance" (Matt 11). There was something very non-religious in Jesus that laughter, celebration and humor is part of. Hopefully, these jokes, stories and quips will help make your day more merry as you walk with the Lord Jesus through this world.

Francis

December 2016


How Much Are Your Dogs - December 30, 2016
If you are not sure what a Goober is, there is a picture of one here.

It seems this Goober was wanting a dog for a pet, so he went to the local pet store to buy one.

He asked the clerk "how much are your dogs?"

She replied, "They are $10.00 apiece."

The goober replied, "How much for a whole one?!"


Blame - December 29, 2016
When the English playwright Oscar Wilde arrived at his club late at night after witnessing the first presentation of a play that had been a complete failure, someone asked. "How did your play go tonight, Oscar?

"Oh," said Wilde, "the play was a great success. The audience was a failure."


Home Mechanic Tools - December 28, 2016
Home Mechanics Tools and their usage:

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of radar device to locate expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing seats and motorcycle jackets.

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling mounting holes in fenders just above the brake line that goes to the rear wheel.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the pessimism principle.

It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VICE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your garage on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a brake drum you're trying to get the bearing grease out of.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been searching for, the last 15 minutes.

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your coffee across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you were drying.


More Home Mechanic Tools - December 27, 2016
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say, "Ouc...."

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a motorcycle to the ground after you have installed your new front disk brake set-up, trapping the jack handle firmly under the front fender.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a motorcycle upward off a hydraulic jack.

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.

PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.

SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.

TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease build up.

TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and brake lines you may have forgotten to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.

BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from a car battery to the inside of your tool box after determining that your battery is dead as a door nail, just as you thought.

METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under motorcycles at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads and can double as oil filter removal wrench by stabbing through stubborn oil filters.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last tightened 60 years ago by someone in Springfield, and rounds them off.

PRYBAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.


Mail Problems - December 26, 2016
Thanks to Kim Harding for day's real life laugh from her family.

Dear Pastor Tim,

This is a true story, My husband's grandmother passed away and for many months afterwards my father-in-law made repeated phone calls to attempt to stop a company from sending mail to the house for his deceased mother.

In frustration, he finally filled out a change of address card changing her address to the Jefferson Memorial Park where she was laid to rest.

It worked! No more mailings came to the house.


Mandatory Attendance - December 23, 2016
It used to be that in order for a college student to receive credit for a particular course, a card that listed his or her courses had to be signed by the instructor/lecturer. It was, at the time, policy that students attend their courses. But depending on the size of the class, it was often possible to receive credit, even after not attending the class regularly.

Not so with this physics professor. If he didn't recognize you, you would have to repeat the course. On one occasion, a student handed his card to the professor to be signed. The professor looked at the name, then at the student, and said, "I've never seen you in my class," and handed back the card.

Now being a quick thinking science major, the student proceeded to the end of the line. When he was at the front again, he handed his card to the professor.

The professor looked at the name, then at the student, and said, "OK, you look familiar." signed the card.


Attention Drug Dealers - December 22, 2016
Attention Drug Dealers operating in the Randall County area: Tax Season is upon you!
With the April 15th deadline rapidly approaching, we know how hard it can be for you to provide a detailed accounting of your business related income and expenses. Could that late night trip to a remote parking lot be a business expense? Can you claim mileage if using a stolen vehicle for business transactions? What about the expensive spray paint used to redecorate it? Is there a deduction available for the bond money you will need after responding to this offer?

That’s why our Certified Drug Transaction Reporting Specialists will be available, 24/7, FREE of charge, to assist you with analyzing your business dealings. Simply come on down to our offices at 9100 South Georgia Street and ask for the “TAX SECURITY SPECIAL!”Our specialists will sit down with you and go over the details of your operation. Records and receipts of your business expenses and transactions are very helpful.

Great referral benefits if you bring your business partners or refer our services to your friends! If you don’t operate in the Randall County area: NO WORRIES! We have an extensive nationwide network of affiliate branches that we are happy to contact on your behalf to set up a local appointment!As a special bonus to those who respond soon: We will provide you with an all-inclusive vacation to . . . THE POKEY!

Hurry in now! Space is limited!


No Speaka Da German - December 21, 2016
A few years ago, I decided to visit my brother who was stationed in Germany. I assumed that most Germans would speak English. But I found that many people spoke only their native tongue - including the ticket inspector on the train.

He punched my ticket, then chatted cordially for a bit, making gestures like a windmill. I simply nodded from time to time to show him that I was interested.

When he had gone, an American woman in the compartment leaned forward and asked if I spoke German.

"No," I confessed.

"Then that explains," she said, "why you didn't bat an eyelid when he told you that you were on the wrong train."


Oil Spill - December 20, 2016
After a lady's car had leaked motor oil on her cement driveway, she bought a large bag of cat litter to soak it up.

It worked so well, that she went back to the convenience store to get another bag to finish the job.

Remembering her, the clerk remarked, "Lady, if that were my cat, I'd put him outside!"


Perfection - December 19, 2016
An off-duty police officer, familiar with radar guns, drove through a school zone within the legal speed limit when the flash of a camera went off, taking a picture of his license plate. The officer, thinking the radar was in error, drove by again; even more slowly. Another flash. He did it again for a third time, at an even slower speed. Same result.

"This guy must have mixed up the settings," the off-duty officer thought.

A few weeks later, when he received the violations in the mail, he discovered three traffic tickets: each for not wearing a seat belt!


Kids Perspective - December 16, 2016
Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?"

Student: "Eggs!"

Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"

Student: "Bacon!"

Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"

Student: "Homework!"


The Difference Of A Year - December 15, 2016
Our seven-year-old daughter was thrilled when we took her to Disney World for the first time, and she headed straight for Space Mountain.

I worried that the roller coaster would be too scary for her, but she insisted.

To her delight, we rode it twice.

The next year we returned to the Magic Kingdom, and my daughter, now eight, again dragged me to Space Mountain.

As we stood in line, though, I could see her soberly studying the signs that warn about the ride's speed.

"Dad," she said, "I don't think I want to go."

I asked her why she would be nervous when she had enjoyed herself last time.

She replied, "This year, I can read."


Sore Knee - December 14, 2016
Old man Johnson limped into the doctor's office and said, "Doc, my right knee hurts so bad, I can hardly walk!"

The doctor slowly eyed him from head to toe, paused and then said, "Mr. Johnson, just how old are you?"

"98!" Johnson announced proudly.

The doctor just sighed, and looked at him again.

Finally he said, "Sir, I'm sorry. I mean, just look at you. You're practically one hundred years old, and you're complaining that your knee hurts? Well, what do you expect?"
The old man said, "Well, my other knee is 98 years old too, and it don't hurt!"


3rd Grader's Explanation Of God - December 13, 2016
"One of God's main jobs is making people. He makes them to replace the ones that die so there will be enough people to take care of things on earth. He doesn't make grown-ups, just babies. I think because they are smaller and easier to make. That way, He doesn't have to take up His valuable time teaching them to talk and walk. He can just leave that to mothers and fathers.

"God's second most important job is listening to prayers. An awful lot of this goes on, since some people, like preachers and things, pray at times besides bedtime. God doesn't have time to listen to the radio or TV because of this. Because He hears everything there must be a terrible lot of noise in His ears, unless He has thought of a way to turn it off. God sees everything and hears everything and is everywhere which keeps Him pretty busy. So you shouldn't go wasting His time by going over your mom and dad's head asking for something they said you couldn't have.

"Atheists are people who don't believe in God. I don't think there are any in Chula Vista. At least there aren't any who come to our church. Jesus is God's Son. He used to do all the hard work like walking on water and performing miracles and trying to teach the people who didn't want to learn about God. They finally got tired of Him preaching to them and they crucified Him.But He was good and kind like His Father and He told His Father that they didn't know what they were doing and to forgive them and God said OK.

"His Dad (God) appreciated everything that He had done and all His hard work on earth so He told Him He didn't have to go out on the road anymore, He could stay in heaven. So He did. And now He helps His Dad out by listening to prayers and seeing things which are important for God to take care of and which ones He can take care of Himself without having to bother God. Like a secretary only more important. You can pray anytime you want and they are sure to hear you because they got it worked out so one of them is on duty all the time.

"You should always go to Church on Sunday because it makes God happy, and if there's anybody you want to make happy, it's God. Don't skip church to do something you think will be more fun like going to the beach. This is wrong! And, besides, the sun doesn't come out at the beach until noon anyway.

"If you don't believe in God, besides being an atheist, you will be very lonely, because your parents can't go everywhere with you, like to camp, but God can. It is good to know He's around you when you're scared in the dark or when you can't swim very good and you get thrown into real deep water by big kids. But you shouldn't just always think of what God can do for you. I figure God put me here and He can take me back anytime He pleases.

"And that's why I believe in God."


Grumbling - December 12, 2016
A man had a habit of grumbling at the food his wife placed before him at family meals. Then he would ask the blessing. One day after his usual combination complaint-prayer, his little girl asked, "Daddy, does God hear us when we pray?"

"Why, of course," he replied. "He hears us every time we pray."

She thought about this a moment, then asked, "Does he hear what we say when we're not praying too?"

"Yes, dear, every word," he replied, encouraged that he had inspired his daughter to be curious about spiritual matters.

His pride however was quickly turned to humility when she asked:

"Then which does God believe?"


Commando Moses - December 9, 2016
Nine year old Joey, was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday school.

"Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When he got to the Red Sea, he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely. Then he used his walkie-talkie to radio headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved."

"Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?" his mother asked.

"Well, no, Mom. But if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!"


Encouragement
- December 8, 2016
While visiting the Atlanta area, I walked through a lovely park with a wide path where people could jog, run their dogs or ride trail bikes. As I descended a hill, I saw a woman coming toward me, pushing a stroller with two toddlers in it.

"We're coming to a hill," the woman announced to her children, "so you'll have to help me. Are you ready?"

I wondered how the little ones could be of assistance, but as I passed by I heard them earnestly repeating their encouragement:

"I think I can, I think I can..."


Shopping Vengeance - December 7, 2016
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked after folding items the woman wished to purchase.

As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television in her purse.

"Do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.

"No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him."


Read the Label - December 6, 2016
It was in the early 1960's and spray deodorant, new to the market, was being advertised on television about six times a day. I was still living at home with my parents saving money for college. One afternoon after a hard day of construction and before dinner I took a nice hot shower.

After drying off I spotted a new spray can on the bathroom shelf.

The label read "SafeGuard" and I was so surprised that my mom had bought some of that new deodorant so I sprayed a liberal amount under each arm.

When I entered the kitchen, where mom was fixing dinner, I thanked her for getting some new spray deodorant but also complained that it was pretty sticky and I didn't know if I really liked it yet.

Her response still rings in my ears - "I didn't buy any spray deodorant, but I did buy some of that new bandage spray, SafeGuard!"

After shaving my armpits, attempting to lift my arms, and enduring hours of laughter by my entire family, I realized that RightGuard and SafeGuard were not the same thing.


Thankfulness - December 5, 2016
A Christian farmer spent the day in the city.

In a restaurant for his meal, he sat near a group of young men. After he bowed his head to give thanks for his food, one of the young men thought he would embarrass the old gentleman.

"Hey, farmer, does everyone do that out where you live?"

The old man calmly replied, "No, son, the pigs don't!"


Contractor - December 2, 2016
My job is in the Aerospace Industry, and it's always been a challenge to explain what kind of work I do. At one gathering, I tried several unsuccessful attempted explanations before deciding to be as generic as possible. When the subject came up while I was talking with a group of guys, I replied simply, "De fence Contractor."

The men nodded, and as the conversation went on, I silently declared victory to myself. Then, one of them turned to me and asked, "So, what do you put up mainly? Chain-link?"


Inheritances - December 1, 2016
Jack has died. His lawyer is standing before the family and reads out Jack's Last Will and Testament.

"To my dear wife Esther, I leave the house, 50 acres of land, and 1 million dollars."

"To my son Barry, I leave my Big Lexus and the Jaguar."

"To my daughter Suzy, I leave my yacht and $250,000."

"And to my brother-in-law Jeff, who always insisted that health is better than wealth, I leave my sun lamp."

November 2016


Jonah Comeback - November 30, 2016
A little girl was talking to her teacher about Jonah being swallowed by a great fish. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a fish to swallow a human because even though they were large their throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a large fish.

The teacher reiterated that a fish could not swallow a human; it was impossible.

The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah"

The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."


Johnny's F- November 29, 2016
 Little Johnny stared at his test paper.

The big read "F" stared back at him.

Freddie looked at his glum friend and asked, "Why did you get such a low grade on that test?"

"Because of an absence," Johnny answered.

"You mean you were absent on the day of the test?" he questioned.

Little Johnny replied, "No, but the kid who sits next to me was."


Flower Order - November 28, 2016
By the time the wedding planner finally bothered to order the flowers there were none left. 

The service ended up being quite lackadaisical.


20 Like You - November 25, 2016
A factory owner said to a store owner, "Thank you, Mr. Smith, for your patronage. I wish I had twenty customers like you."

"Wow, it's nice to hear that, but I'm kind of surprised," admitted Smith. "You know that I argue every bill and always pay late."

The factory owner said, "I'd still like twenty customers like you. The problem is, I have two hundred."


God's Power - November 24, 2016
A boy was helping his mother bring the clothes in off the line as a storm threatened.

As they brought in the last armload and closed the door, the boy waved his hand at the heavens and said, "Okay God! Let'er go!"


Dueling Barbers - November 23, 2016
A new hair salon opened up for business right across the street from the old established hair cutters' place.They put up a big bold sign which read:

"WE GIVE SEVEN DOLLAR HAIR CUTS!"

Not to be outdone, the old Master Barber put up his own sign:

"WE FIX SEVEN DOLLAR HAIR CUTS"


Burns And Benny
- November 22, 2016
Jack Benny and George Burns became friends when both were young performers working their way up through the vaudeville circuit, and they remained friends until Benny died. One day, they were lunching at a Hollywood restaurant, and Benny was wrestling with the problem of whether or not to butter his bread.

"I like butter on my bread," he said. "But my diet strictly forbids butter. Maybe I should call Mary and ask her what to do."

"Jack," Burns said, "don't be ridiculous. You're a grown man. You should be able to decide, without your wife's help, whether or not to butter your own bread."

"You're right," Benny said. "I'll just have the butter, that's all."

When the waiter arrived with the check, Burns pointed to Benny and said, "He's paying."

"What?" Benny said. "Why should I have to pay the whole bill?"

"Because if you don't," Burns said, "I'll tell Mary about the butter."


Yogurt Aisle - November 21, 2016
The yogurt aisle is so confusing now: It's all Greek to me.

Investing, Long Term Planning - November 18, 2016
Approaching eighty-five years of age, Mrs. Lipkowitz finally decided it was time to give up her apartment in New York and move to Miami. She was given the name of a Florida realtor, who enthusiastically drove her all over Miami, extolling the virtues of every apartment they looked at.

"And this one, what a steal," he rhapsodized, "the investment of a lifetime. Why, in ten years it's gonna be worth three times..."

"Sonny," interrupted Mrs. Lipkowitz, "at my age I don't even buy green bananas."


Murphy's Lesser-Known Laws
- November 17, 2016
No man has ever been shot doing dishes.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.  

He who laughs last thinks slowest.  

A day without sunshine is like, well, night.  
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.  

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.  

The 50-50-90 rule states, "Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting  
Something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong."  

If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.  

The things that come to those who wait may be the things left by those who got there first.  

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.  

A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.  

God gave you toes as a device for finding furniture in the dark.  

When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.  


One Liners #1 - November 16, 2016
Don't let your worries get the best of you; Remember, Moses started out as a basket case.

Some people are kind, polite, and sweet-spirited
Until you try to sit in their pews.      

Many folks want to serve God,    
But only as advisers.      

It is easier to preach ten sermons      
Than it is to live one.
    
The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose,
But mosquitoes come close.    

When you get to your wit's end,
You'll find God lives there.    

People are funny; they want the front of the bus,
Middle of the road,
And back of the church.      

Opportunity may knock once,
But temptation bangs on the front door forever.    
      
Quit griping about your church;      
If it was perfect, you couldn't belong.      
      
If a church wants a better pastor,
It only needs to pray for the one it has.      
    

One Liners #2 - November 15, 2016
We're called to be witnesses, not lawyers or judges.

God Himself doesn't propose to judge a man until
he is dead. So why should you?      
    
Some minds are like concrete      
Thoroughly mixed up and permanently set.     

Peace starts with a smile.      

I don't know why some people change churches;
What difference does it make which one you stay home from?

Be ye fishers of men. You catch 'em - He'll clean 'em.
      
Coincidence is when God chooses to remain anonymous.
    
Don't put a question mark where God put a period.
    
Don' t wait for 6 strong men to take you to church.
    
Forbidden fruits create many jams.      
      
God doesn't call the qualified, He qualifies the called.      
      
God grades on the cross, not the curve.

   
One Liners #3 - November 14, 2016
God loves everyone, but probably prefers 'fruits of the spirit' over 'religious nuts!'
    
God promises a safe landing, not a calm passage.
      
He who angers you, controls you!      
    
If God is your Co-pilot, swap seats!      
      
Prayer: Don't give God instructions, just report for duty!      
    
The task ahead of us is never as great as the Power behind us.      
    
The Will of God never takes you to where the
Grace of God will not protect you.      
    
We don't change the message,
The message changes us.  
    
You can tell how big a person is
By what it takes to discourage him/her.
    
The best mathematical equation I have ever seen:
1 cross + 3 nails = 4 given.    


Those wonderful Church Bulletins - November 11, 2016
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
------------- -------------
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled.
Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
------------- -------------
The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.
‘The sermon tonight: ‘Searching for Jesus.'
------------- -------------
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale.
It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
------------- -------------
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.


Church Bulletins - November 10, 2016
These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced at church services:

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled.

Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.

‘The sermon tonight: ‘Searching for Jesus.'

Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.


Getting Older  - November 9, 2016
  A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office.

"Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?"

"'Yes, I'm afraid so,"' the doctor told her.

There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because use this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'.."  

An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As he was about to get the anaesthesia, he asked to speak to his son.

"Yes, Dad , what is it?"

"Don't be nervous, son; do your best, and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife...."


Aging - November 8, 2016
Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it. This is so true. I love to hear them say "you don't look that old."
 

Waiting in Line - November 7, 2016
The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
(Mostly because we forgot why we were waiting in line in the first place!!)


Odometers - November 4, 2016
Some people try to turn back their odometers.
Not me! I want people to know why I look this way. I've travelled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.


Thinking Back… - November 3, 2016
When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.


Prayer We All Need To Pray - November 2, 2016
"Lord, keep Your arm around my shoulder and Your hand over my mouth!"


Car Help Line - November 1, 2016
General Motors doesn't have a "help line" for people who don't know how to drive, because people don't buy cars like they buy computers.  But, imagine if they did . . .
HELPLINE: "General Motors Help line, how can I help you?"
CUSTOMER: "I got in my car and closed the door, and nothing happened!"
HELPLINE: "Did you put the key in the ignition slot and turn it?"
CUSTOMER: "What's an ignition?"
HELPLINE: "It's a starter motor that draws current from your battery and turns over the engine."
CUSTOMER: "Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How come I have to know all of these technical terms just to use my car?"
________________________________________
HELPLINE: "General Motors Help line, how can I help you?"
CUSTOMER: "My car ran fine for a week, and now it won't go anywhere!"
HELPLINE: "Is the gas tank empty?"
CUSTOMER: "Huh? How do I know?"
HELPLINE: "There's a little gauge on the front panel, with a needle, and markings from 'E' to 'F.' Where is the needle pointing?"
CUSTOMER: "It's pointing to 'E.' What does that mean?"
HELPLINE: "It means that you have to visit a gasoline vendor, and purchase some more gasoline. You can install it yourself, or pay the vendor to install it for you."
CUSTOMER: "What!? I paid $12,000 for this car! Now you tell me that I have to keep buying more components? I want a car that comes with everything built in!"
________________________________________
HELPLINE: "General Motors Help line, how can I help you?"
CUSTOMER: "Your car stinks!"
HELPLINE: "What's wrong?"
CUSTOMER: "It crashed, that's what went wrong!"
HELPLINE: "What were you doing?"
CUSTOMER: "I wanted to run faster, so I pushed the accelerator pedal all the way to the floor. It worked for a while, and then it crashed -- and now it won't start!"
HELPLINE: "It's your responsibility if you misuse the product. What do you expect us to do about it?"
CUSTOMER: "I want you to send me one of the latest version that doesn't crash anymore!"
________________________________________
HELPLINE: "General Motors Help line, how can I help you?"
CUSTOMER: "Hi! I just bought my first car, and I chose your car because it has automatic transmission, cruise control, power steering, power brakes, and power door locks."
HELPLINE: "Thanks for buying our car. How can I help you?"
CUSTOMER: "How do I work it?"
HELPLINE: "Do you know how to drive?"
CUSTOMER: "Do I know how to what?"
HELPLINE: "Do you know how to drive?"
CUSTOMER: "I'm not a technical person! I just want to go places in my car!"

October 2016

Sorry, God - October 31, 2016
A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was rushed to the hospital. On the operating table she had a near-death experience, and was face-to-face with God.

"Is it my time?" she asked.

God replied, "No, you have another 40 years."

Surviving the surgery and with this knowledge in mind, the lady decided that as long as she was in the hospital she might as well make the most of the situation. She had a face-lift, a tummy-tuck, and liposuction. She also had a beautician come to the hospital to dye her hair and give her a makeover.

On the day she was released from hospital, she walked out the door and was immediately by an ambulance in the parking lot - and died.

In heaven she said to God, "I thought you said I had 40 years left."

"Sorry" answered God, "I didn't recognize you!!!"


Duelling Judges - October 28, 2016
Tyler and Katz, two judges, were each arrested on speeding charges. When they arrived in court on the appointed day, no one was there, so instead of wasting time waiting around they decided to try each other. Motioning Tyler to the stand, Katz said, "How do you plead?"

"Guilty."

"That'll be fifty dollars and a warning from the court."

Katz stepped down and the two judges shook hands and changed places. "How do you plead?" asked Tyler.

"Guilty."

Tyler reflected for a moment. "These reckless driving cases are becoming all too common of late," he pointed out. "In fact, this is the second such incident in the last quarter hour. That'll be two hundred dollars and ten days in jail."


Advice - October 27, 2016

A young man is reported to have approached the renowned composer Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart (one of the great musical prodigies of all time), and asked, "Herr Mozart, I have the ambition to write symphonies and perhaps you can advise me how to get started."

Mozart said, "The best advice I can give you is to wait until you are older and more experienced, and try your hand at less ambitious pieces to begin with."

The young man looked astonished. "But, Herr Mozart, you yourself wrote symphonies when you were considerably younger than I."

"Ah," said Mozart, "but I did so without asking advice."


Blame - October 26, 2016
When the English playwright Oscar Wilde arrived at his club late at night after witnessing the first presentation of a play that had been a complete failure, someone asked. "How did your play go tonight, Oscar?

"Oh," said Wilde, "the play was a great success. The audience was a failure."


Home Mechanic Tools - October 25, 2016
Home Mechanics Tools and their usage:

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of radar device to locate expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing seats and motorcycle jackets.

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling mounting holes in fenders just above the brake line that goes to the rear wheel.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the pessimism principle.

It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VICE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your garage on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a brake drum you're trying to get the bearing grease out of.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been searching for, the last 15 minutes.

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your coffee across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you were drying.


More Home Mechanic Tools - October 24, 2016
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say, "Ouc...."

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a motorcycle to the ground after you have installed your new front disk brake set-up, trapping the jack handle firmly under the front fender.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a motorcycle upward off a hydraulic jack.

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.

PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.

SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.

TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease build up.

TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and brake lines you may have forgotten to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.

BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from a car battery to the inside of your tool box after determining that your battery is dead as a door nail, just as you thought.

METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under motorcycles at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads and can double as oil filter removal wrench by stabbing through stubborn oil filters.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last tightened 60 years ago by someone in Springfield, and rounds them off.

PRYBAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.


Mail Problems - October 21, 2016
Thanks to Kim Harding for day's real life laugh from her family.

Dear Pastor Tim,

This is a true story, My husband's grandmother passed away and for many months afterwards my father-in-law made repeated phone calls to attempt to stop a company from sending mail to the house for his deceased mother.

In frustration, he finally filled out a change of address card changing her address to the Jefferson Memorial Park where she was laid to rest.

It worked! No more mailings came to the house.


Mandatory Attendance - October 20, 2016
It used to be that in order for a college student to receive credit for a particular course, a card that listed his or her courses had to be signed by the instructor/lecturer. It was, at the time, policy that students attend their courses. But depending on the size of the class, it was often possible to receive credit, even after not attending the class regularly.

Not so with this physics professor. If he didn't recognize you, you would have to repeat the course. On one occasion, a student handed his card to the professor to be signed. The professor looked at the name, then at the student, and said, "I've never seen you in my class," and handed back the card.

Now being a quick thinking science major, the student proceeded to the end of the line. When he was at the front again, he handed his card to the professor.

The professor looked at the name, then at the student, and said, "OK, you look familiar." signed the card.


Attention Drug Dealers - October 19, 2016
Attention Drug Dealers operating in the Randall County area: Tax Season is upon you!
With the April 15th deadline rapidly approaching, we know how hard it can be for you to provide a detailed accounting of your business related income and expenses. Could that late night trip to a remote parking lot be a business expense? Can you claim mileage if using a stolen vehicle for business transactions? What about the expensive spray paint used to redecorate it? Is there a deduction available for the bond money you will need after responding to this offer?

That’s why our Certified Drug Transaction Reporting Specialists will be available, 24/7, FREE of charge, to assist you with analyzing your business dealings. Simply come on down to our offices at 9100 South Georgia Street and ask for the “TAX SECURITY SPECIAL!”Our specialists will sit down with you and go over the details of your operation. Records and receipts of your business expenses and transactions are very helpful.

Great referral benefits if you bring your business partners or refer our services to your friends! If you don’t operate in the Randall County area: NO WORRIES! We have an extensive nationwide network of affiliate branches that we are happy to contact on your behalf to set up a local appointment! As a special bonus to those who respond soon: We will provide you with an all-inclusive vacation to . . . THE POKEY!

Hurry in now!

Space is limited!


No Speaka Da German - October 18, 2016
A few years ago, I decided to visit my brother who was stationed in Germany. I assumed that most Germans would speak English. But I found that many people spoke only their native tongue - including the ticket inspector on the train.

He punched my ticket, then chatted cordially for a bit, making gestures like a windmill. I simply nodded from time to time to show him that I was interested.

When he had gone, an American woman in the compartment leaned forward and asked if I spoke German.

"No," I confessed.

"Then that explains," she said, "why you didn't bat an eyelid when he told you that you were on the wrong train."


Oil Spill - October 17, 2016
After a lady's car had leaked motor oil on her cement driveway, she bought a large bag of cat litter to soak it up.

It worked so well, that she went back to the convenience store to get another bag to finish the job.

Remembering her, the clerk remarked, "Lady, if that were my cat, I'd put him outside!"


Perfection - October 15, 2016
An off-duty police officer, familiar with radar guns, drove through a school zone within the legal speed limit when the flash of a camera went off, taking a picture of his license plate. The officer, thinking the radar was in error, drove by again; even more slowly. Another flash. He did it again for a third time, at an even slower speed. Same result.

"This guy must have mixed up the settings," the off-duty officer thought.

A few weeks later, when he received the violations in the mail, he discovered three traffic tickets: each for not wearing a seat belt!


Kids Perspective - October 14, 2016
Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?"

Student: "Eggs!"

Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"

Student: "Bacon!"

Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"

Student: "Homework!"


The Difference Of A Year - October 13, 2016

Our seven-year-old daughter was thrilled when we took her to Disney World for the first time, and she headed straight for Space Mountain.

I worried that the roller coaster would be too scary for her, but she insisted.

To her delight, we rode it twice.

The next year we returned to the Magic Kingdom, and my daughter, now eight, again dragged me to Space Mountain.

As we stood in line, though, I could see her soberly studying the signs that warn about the ride's speed.

"Dad," she said, "I don't think I want to go."

I asked her why she would be nervous when she had enjoyed herself last time.

She replied, "This year, I can read."


Sore Knee - October 12, 2016
Old man Johnson limped into the doctor's office and said, "Doc, my right knee hurts so bad, I can hardly walk!"

The doctor slowly eyed him from head to toe, paused and then said, "Mr. Johnson, just how old are you?"

"98!" Johnson announced proudly.

The doctor just sighed, and looked at him again.

Finally he said, "Sir, I'm sorry. I mean, just look at you. You're practically one hundred years old, and you're complaining that your knee hurts? Well, what do you expect?"
The old man said, "Well, my other knee is 98 years old too, and it don't hurt!"


3rd Grader's Explanation Of God - October 11, 2016
Written by Danny, age 8, from California, for his third grade homework assignment to "Explain God."

"One of God's main jobs is making people. He makes them to replace the ones that die so there will be enough people to take care of things on earth. He doesn't make grown-ups, just babies. I think because they are smaller and easier to make. That way, He doesn't have to take up His valuable time teaching them to talk and walk. He can just leave that to mothers and fathers.

"God's second most important job is listening to prayers. An awful lot of this goes on, since some people, like preachers and things, pray at times besides bedtime. God doesn't have time to listen to the radio or TV because of this. Because He hears everything there must be a terrible lot of noise in His ears, unless He has thought of a way to turn it off. God sees everything and hears everything and is everywhere which keeps Him pretty busy. So you shouldn't go wasting His time by going over your mom and dad's head asking for something they said you couldn't have.

"Atheists are people who don't believe in God. I don't think there are any in Chula Vista. At least there aren't any who come to our church. Jesus is God's Son. He used to do all the hard work like walking on water and performing miracles and trying to teach the people who didn't want to learn about God. They finally got tired of Him preaching to them and they crucified Him.But He was good and kind like His Father and He told His Father that they didn't know what they were doing and to forgive them and God said OK.

"His Dad (God) appreciated everything that He had done and all His hard work on earth so He told Him He didn't have to go out on the road anymore, He could stay in heaven. So He did. And now He helps His Dad out by listening to prayers and seeing things which are important for God to take care of and which ones He can take care of Himself without having to bother God. Like a secretary only more important. You can pray anytime you want and they are sure to hear you because they got it worked out so one of them is on duty all the time.

"You should always go to Church on Sunday because it makes God happy, and if there's anybody you want to make happy, it's God. Don't skip church to do something you think will be more fun like going to the beach. This is wrong! And, besides, the sun doesn't come out at the beach until noon anyway.

"If you don't believe in God, besides being an atheist, you will be very lonely, because your parents can't go everywhere with you, like to camp, but God can. It is good to know He's around you when you're scared in the dark or when you can't swim very good and you get thrown into real deep water by big kids. But you shouldn't just always think of what God can do for you. I figure God put me here and He can take me back anytime He pleases.

"And that's why I believe in God."


Grumbling - October 10, 2016
A man had a habit of grumbling at the food his wife placed before him at family meals. Then he would ask the blessing. One day after his usual combination complaint-prayer, his little girl asked, "Daddy, does God hear us when we pray?"

"Why, of course," he replied. "He hears us every time we pray."

She thought about this a moment, then asked, "Does he hear what we say when we're not praying too?"

"Yes, dear, every word," he replied, encouraged that he had inspired his daughter to be curious about spiritual matters.

His pride however was quickly turned to humility when she asked:

"Then which does God believe?"


Commando Moses - October 7, 2016
Nine year old Joey, was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday school.

"Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When he got to the Red Sea, he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely. Then he used his walkie-talkie to radio headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved."

"Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?" his mother asked.

"Well, no, Mom. But if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!"


Encouragement - October 6, 2016

While visiting the Atlanta area, I walked through a lovely park with a wide path where people could jog, run their dogs or ride trail bikes. As I descended a hill, I saw a woman coming toward me, pushing a stroller with two toddlers in it.

"We're coming to a hill," the woman announced to her children, "so you'll have to help me. Are you ready?"

I wondered how the little ones could be of assistance, but as I passed by I heard them earnestly repeating their encouragement:

"I think I can, I think I can..."


Shopping Vengence - October 5, 2016
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked after folding items the woman wished to purchase.

As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television in her purse.

"Do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.

"No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him."


Read The Label - October 4, 2016
It was in the early 1960's and spray deodorant, new to the market, was being advertised on television about six times a day. I was still living at home with my parents saving money for college. One afternoon after a hard day of construction and before dinner I took a nice hot shower.

After drying off I spotted a new spray can on the bathroom shelf.

The label read "SafeGuard" and I was so surprised that my mom had bought some of that new deodorant so I sprayed a liberal amount under each arm.

When I entered the kitchen, where mom was fixing dinner, I thanked her for getting some new spray deodorant but also complained that it was pretty sticky and I didn't know if I really liked it yet.

Her response still rings in my ears - "I didn't buy any spray deodorant, but I did buy some of that new bandage spray, SafeGuard!"

After shaving my armpits, attempting to lift my arms, and enduring hours of laughter by my entire family, I realized that RightGuard and SafeGuard were not the same thing.


Thankfulness - October 3, 2016
A Christian farmer spent the day in the city.

In a restaurant for his meal, he sat near a group of young men. After he bowed his head to give thanks for his food, one of the young men thought he would embarrass the old gentleman.

"Hey, farmer, does everyone do that out where you live?"

The old man calmly replied, "No, son, the pigs don't!"

September 2016


Top Ten Amish Spring Break Activities - September 30, 2016
10. Drink molasses 'til you heave.
9. Wet bonnet contest.
8. Stuff as many guys as you can into a buggy.
7. Buttermilk kegger.
6. Blow past the Dairy Queen on a really smokin' Clydesdale.
5. Get a tattoo: "Born to raise barns."
4. Cruise streets of Belleville shouting insults at people with zippers.
3. Sleep 'til 6 a.m.
2. Drive over to Allensville and kick some Mennonite butt.
1. Churn butter in short sleeves.


No ID - September 29, 2016
A woman went into a hardware store to purchase a bale of peat moss.

She gave a personal check in payment and said to the clerk, "I suppose you will want some identification."

He replied, without hesitation, "No ma'am, that won't be necessary."

"How come?" asked the woman.

"Crooks don't buy peat moss," answered the clerk.




A Dog Named Bear - September 28, 2016
Friends of ours owned a huge Great Dane named "Bear." He looked menacing but was actually quite harmless. Though Bear has gone on to doggy heaven here are two great stories they often tell.

Bear's playground was a fenced yard about 40 feet square. With a mere 3 foot fence his head easily reached over the top. Standing on his haunches it looked like he could walk over the fence. One of the neighbor boys asked the owner if he could jump the fence. "Shhhhh," she replied. "He can - but don't tell him."

Then, One day the man of the house was assaulted by the sound of a stereo large enough to power a theatre mounted in a car trunk. Looking out the window he saw what appeared to be a drug deal. No problem, he clicked on Bears' chain and took him out. Marching right up to the occupants and pointing to the dog he mouthed these words over the noise, "My dog doesn't like your music."

The stereo was immediately silenced and the car quickly disappeared from sight.


Get Your Sister - September 27, 2016
A salesman telephoned a household and a young boy answered.

"May I speak to your mother?" the salesman asked.

The boy replied, "She's not here right now."

The salesman then asked, "Is there anyone else there?"

The boy replied, "My sister."

The salesman asked, "May I speak to her"?

The boy replied, "I guess so."

At this point there was a long period of silence on the phone.

Then the boy returned and said, "Hello?"

The salesman responded, "It's you again? I thought you were going to get your sister."

To which the boy replied, "I tried, but I can't get her out of the playpen!"


Pleasure For A Season - September 26, 2016
"Mummy, my turtle's dead," the little boy, Andrew, sorrowfully told his mother, holding the turtle out to her in his hand.

The mother kissed him on the head, then said, "That's all right. We'll wrap him in tissue paper, put him in a little box, then have a nice burial ceremony in the back yard. After that, we'll go out for an ice cream soda, and then get you a new pet."

"Ice cream?" the little boy said, wiping his tears and smiling. "Oh boy!"

His mother said: "I don't want you..."

Her voice trailed off as she noticed the turtle move. "Andrew, you're turtle isn't dead after all!"

"Oh," the disappointed boy said. "Can I kill it?"


Things Women Will Never Say - September 23, 2016
Don't be too quick to be offended - you'll find a list of things women will never say at:

You know, I've been complaining a lot lately. I don't blame you for ignoring me.

That was fun, when will all of your friends be over to watch football again?

While you were in the bathroom, they went for it on fourth down and missed. If they can hold them to a field goal they'll still cover.

I liked that wedding even more than ours. Your ex-girlfriend has class.

That girl is wearing the same outfit as I am. Cool, I'm gonna go over and talk to her.

I love hearing stories about your old girlfriends, tell me more.

I like using this new lawn mower so much more than the old one, what a wonderful Valentine's Day present!

Let's just leave the toilet seat up at all times, then you don't have to mess with it anymore.
I'm so happy with my new hairstyle, I don't think I'll ever change it again.


Speeding Ticket - September 22, 2016
A lady who was speeding had an officer pull her to the side of the road. She didn't have her seat belt on so as soon as she stopped, she quickly slipped it on before the officer got to her window.

After talking to her about speeding, the officer said, "I see you are wearing your seat belt. Do you believe in wearing it at all times?"

"Yes, I do, officer," she replied.
"Well," asked the officer, "do you always do it up with it looped through your steering wheel?"

Soul Winning Efforts
A very zealous soul-winning young preacher recently came upon a farmer working in his field. Being concerned about the farmer's soul, the preacher asked the man, "Are you laboring in the vineyard of the Lord, my good man?"

Not even looking at the preacher and continuing his work, the farmer replied, "Naw, these are soybeans."

"You don't understand," said the preacher. "Are you a Christian?"

With the same amount of interest as his previous answer, the farmer said, "Nope my name is Jones. 
You must be lookin' for Jim Christian. He lives a mile south of here."

The young, determined preacher tried again, asking the farmer, "Are you lost?"

"Naw! I've lived here all my life," answered the farmer.

"Are you prepared for the resurrection?" the frustrated preacher asked.

This caught the farmer's attention and he asked, "When's it gonna be?"
 
Thinking he had accomplished something, the young preacher replied, "It could be today, tomorrow or the next day."

Taking a handkerchief from his back pocket and wiping his brow, the farmer remarked, "Well, don't mention it to my wife. She don't get out much, and she'll wanna go all three days."


Judgement, Self Righteousness, Assumption - September 20, 2016
A man sees another leaning against the wall of a large building. The second man is puffing away, one cigarette after another.

The nonsmoker says, "Sir, I couldn't help noticing how you chain-smoke. How many packs do you smoke a day?"

"Four."

"How long have you been smoking?"

"Thirty years."

"That's over six thousand packs. Why, if you didn't smoke, you could have saved enough money to buy this building."

The smoker takes a deep puff and says, "Do you smoke?"

"Never."

"Do you own this building?"

"No."

"Well, I do."



CaNaDa - September 19, 2016
Back in the 1800s, Canada's founding fathers gathered to brainstorm and discuss a name for their new country.

One of the founding fathers really liked what the neighbors to the south did and pitched the idea. "'USA' is simple. It's catchy. It works. How about if we put the letters of the alphabet in a hockey helmet, pull out three, and that's our name. What do you think, eh?"

Everyone liked the idea and approved. So the 26 letters of the alphabet went into a helmet, and one of the founding fathers picked the three letters. He read them off as he picked them.

"C, eh......N, eh.......D, eh"


Signs You Aren't Very Competent With A Computer - September 16, 2016
- You've backed-up your desktop by pushing it against the wall.
- You've put foam around the computer to prevent it from crashing.
- The soles of your shoes are worn out from re-booting your computer.
- You try to clear the screen by shaking the monitor up and down.
- You're Amish


Willful Sins, Signs VS. Obedience - September 15, 2016
By the time Ted arrived at the football game, the first quarter was almost over.

"Why are you so late?" his friend asked.

I had to toss a coin to decide between going to church and coming to the game."

"How long could that have taken you?"

"Well, I had to toss it 14 times."


Cooking Terms - September 14, 2016
Tongue: A variety of meat, rarely served because it clearly crosses the line between a cut of beef and a piece of dead cow.

Yogurt: Semi-solid dairy product made from partially evaporated and fermented milk. Yogurt is one of only three foods that taste exactly the same as they sound. The other two are goulash and squid.

Recipe: A series of step-by-step instructions for preparing ingredients you forgot to buy, in utensils 
you don't own, to make a dish the dog won't eat.

Porridge: Thick oatmeal rarely found on tables since
children were granted the right to sue their parents. The name is an amalgamation of the words 

"Putrid," "hORRId," and "sluDGE."

Preheat: To turn on the heat in an oven for a period of time before cooking a dish, so that the fingers may be burned when the food is put in, as well as when it is removed.

Oven: Compact home incinerator used for disposing of bulky pieces of meat and poultry.

Microwave Oven: Space-age kitchen appliance that uses the principle of radar to locate and immediately destroy any food placed within the cooking compartment.

Calorie: Basic measure of the amount of rationalization offered by the average individual prior to taking a second helping of a particular food.


The Little Voice - September 13, 2016
A guy gets home from work one night and hears a little voice. The little voice tells him, "Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go to Vegas." The man is disturbed at what he hears and ignores the little voice.

The next day, when he gets home from work, the same thing happens. The little voice tells him, "Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go to Vegas." Again, the man ignores the little voice, though he is very troubled by the event.

Every day, day after day, the man hears the same little voice when he gets home from work, "Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go to Vegas." Each time the man hears the little voice he becomes increasingly upset. Finally, after two weeks, he succumbs to the pressure. He does quit his job, sells his house, takes his money and heads to Vegas.

The moment the man gets off the plane in Vegas, the little voice tells him, "Go to Harrah's." So, he hops in a cab and rushes over to Harrah's.

As soon as he sets foot in the casino, the little voice tells him, "Go to the roulette table." The man does as he is told. When he gets to the roulette table, the little voice tells him, "Put all your money on 17."

Nervously, the man exchanges all his money for chips and then puts them all on 17.

The dealer wishes the man good luck and spins the roulette wheel. Around and around the ball caroms. The man anxiously watches the ball as it slowly loses speed until finally it settles into number... 21.

The little voice says, "Oops..."



If You Love Something Variations - September 12, 2016
The Original Version:
If you love something,
Set it free...
If it comes back, it's yours;
If it doesn't, it never was yours.

The Pessimist Version:
If you love somebody,
Set her free ...
If she ever comes back, she's yours;
If she doesn't, well, as expected, she never was.

The Optimist Version:
If you love somebody,
Set her free ...
Don't worry, she will come back.

The Suspicious Version:
If you love somebody,
Set her free ...
If she comes back, ask her why.

The Impatient Version:
If you love somebody,
Set her free ...
If she doesn't comes back within some time limit,
forget her.

The Patient Version:
If you love somebody,
Set her free ...
If she doesn't come back, continue to wait
until she comes back ...

The Playful Version:
If you love somebody,
Set her free ...
If she comes back, and if you love her still,
set her free again. Repeat
  
More If You Love Something Variations - September 9, 2016
The Lawyer's Version:
If you love somebody,
Set her free...
Clause 1a of Paragraph 13a-1 in the second
amendment of the Matrimonial Freedom Act clearly states that...

The Bill Gates Version:
If you love somebody,
Set her free...
If she comes back,
I think we can charge her for re-installation fees
and tell her that she's also going to get an upgrade.

The Statistician's Version:
If you love somebody,
Set her free...
If she loves you, the probability of her coming back is high;
If she doesn't, your relationship was improbable anyway.

The Possessive Version:
If you love somebody
don't ever set her free.

The Mba Version:
If you love somebody
set her free...
instantaneously...
and look for others simultaneously.

The Psychologist's Version:
If you love somebody
set her free...
If she comes back, her super ego is dominant;
If she doesn't come, back her id is supreme;
If she doesn't go, she must be crazy.

The Finance Expert Version:
If you love somebody
set her free...
If she comes back, its time to look for fresh loans;
If she doesn't, write her off as an asset gone bad.

The Marketing Version:
If you love somebody
set her free...
If she comes back, she has brand loyalty;
If she doesn't, reposition the brand in new markets.


Bedside Manner - September 8, 2016
The doctor was making her rounds and walked into the semi-private room in the hospital to examine old Mrs. Williams.

After the exam in his best professional voice, she said smoothly, "You are coughing much more easily this morning."

"I should," snapped the patient, "I've been practicing all night."


Missing You - September 7, 2016
Dave went on a business trip for a few days.

When he returned, his wife reported that the dog really missed him.

"She spent every night at the front door, awaiting your return," she said.

"What an example of true love," Dave replied. "I wonder if you'd be that concerned about me?"

"Honey," she answered, "if you were gone overnight, and I didn't know where you were, you can be sure I'd be waiting for you at the front door."


Generosity - September 6, 2016
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.

A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk.

Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes"
WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, . . go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2005 models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$60,000"
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing .... The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000"
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer 900,000."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.

Then he asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"


Age - September 5, 2016
When you are young, you want to be the master of your fate and the captain of your soul.
When you are older, you will settle for being the master of your weight and the captain of your bowling team.

Rest, Busyness - September 2, 2016
Helen and Amanda were discussing their busy schedules.

Helen said, "Amanda, I must ask you something. Every day I feel incredibly run down and tired. And yet, I see you looking as fresh as a rose. I have to know: what's your secret?"

"My secret? Every morning, without fail, I wake up at six o'clock sharp."

"You wake up at six o'clock?"

"Yes, and then I look at the clock, see what time it is, and go back to sleep for another four hours."



Farmer Comeback - September 1, 2016
A wise old farmer went to town to buy a pickup truck that he saw advertised in the paper for a certain price. After telling the salesman which truck he wanted, they sat down to do the paperwork. When the salesman handed the farmer the bill, and the farmer exclaimed, "This isn't the price I saw!"

The salesman went on to tell the farmer how he was getting extras such as power brakes, power windows, special tires etc. and that was what raised the price up.  The farmer needed the truck badly, paid the price and went home.

A few months later, the salesman called up the farmer and said, "My son is in 4-H and he needs a cow for a project. Do you have any for sale?"
The farmer said, "Yes, I have a few cows, and I would sell for $500.00 a piece.  Come look at them and take your pick."

The salesman and his son appeared a short while later and after spending a few hours in the field checking out all the cows the two decided on one and the salesman proceeded to write out a check for $500.00.

The farmer said, "Now, wait a minute, that's not the final price of the cow. You're getting extras with it and you have to pay for that too."

"What extras?" asked the salesman.

The farmer then handed him the following list:
BASIC COW..............................$500.00
Two tone exterior.......................$45.00
Extra stomach............................$75.00
Product storing equipment.......$60.00
Straw compartment...................$120.00
4 Spigots @$10 ea...................$40.00
Leather upholstery.....................$125.00
Dual horns..................................$45.00
Automatic fly swatter.................$38.00
fertilizer attachment...................$185.00
GRAND TOTAL.......................$1,233.00