Good, Clean Jokes and Funny Stories


Good, Clean Jokes and Funny Stories


While the Bible isn't a joke book, it is obvious that humor played an important role in Hebrew culture. When drought hit Jacob's world he turned to his sons and said, "Why are you staring at one another...Go down [to Egypt] and buy some for us" (Gen 42:1-2). I also hear humor in some of Jesus' remarks, like when He renamed James and John the "sons of thunder" or when He said the Pharisees where like whitewashed tombs, full of dead men's bones (Matt 23). I think we need the picture of Jesus laughing and enjoying people. In fact, while Jesus indeed had many hard things to say, He was also full of emotion, joy and celebration. Even as He rebuked the Pharisees, we see a glimpse of His demeanor in ministry when He scolded them saying, "We played the flute for you, but you would not dance" (Matt 11). There was something very non-religious in Jesus that laughter, celebration and humor is part of. Hopefully, these jokes, stories and quips will help make your day more merry as you walk with the Lord Jesus through this world.

Francis

June 2015


Puppies For Sale - June 30, 2015

A farmer had some puppies he needed to sell. He painted a sign advertising the pups and set about nailing it to a post on the edge of his yard. As he was driving the last nail into the post, he felt a tug on his overalls. He looked down into the eyes of a little boy.

Mister," he said, "I want to buy one of your puppies."

"Well," said the farmer, as he rubbed the sweat off the back of his neck, "these puppies come from fine parents and cost a good deal of money."

The boy dropped his head for a moment. Then reaching deep into his pocket, he pulled out a handful of change and held it up to the farmer. "I've got thirty-nine cents. Is that enough to take a look?"

"Sure," said the farmer.

And with that he let out a whistle, "Here, Dolly!" he called. Out from the doghouse and down the ramp ran Dolly followed by four little balls of fur. The little boy pressed his face against the chain link fence. His eyes danced with delight. As the dogs made their way to the fence, the little boy noticed something else stirring inside the doghouse. Slowly another little ball appeared; this one noticeably smaller. Down the ramp it slid. Then in a somewhat awkward manner the little pup began hobbling toward the others, doing its best to catch up...."I want that one," the little boy said, pointing to the runt.

The farmer knelt down at the boy's side and said, "Son, you don't want that puppy. He will never be able to run and play with you like these other dogs would."

With that the little boy stepped back from the fence, reached down, and began rolling up one leg of his trousers. In doing so he revealed a steel brace running down both sides of his leg attaching itself to a specially made shoe.

Looking back up at the farmer, he said, "You see sir, I don't run too well myself, and he will need someone who understands."

The world is full of people who need someone who understands.


Diet Prayer - June 29, 2015

Lord, My soul is ripped with riot incited by my wicked diet.

"We Are What We Eat," said a wise old man! and, Lord, if that's true, I'm a garbage can.

I want to rise on Judgment Day, that's plain! but at my present weight, I'll need a crane.

So grant me strength, that I may not fall into the clutches of cholesterol.

May my flesh with carrot-curls be dated, that my soul may be poly unsaturated

And show me the light, that I may bear witness to the President's Council on Physical Fitness.

And at oleomargarine I'll never mutter, for the road to Hell is spread with butter.

And cream is cursed; and cake is awful;

Mephistopheles lurks in provolone; the Devil is in each slice of baloney, Beelzebub is a chocolate drop, and Lucifer is a lollipop.

Give me this day my daily slice but, cut it thin and toast it twice.

I beg upon my dimpled knees, deliver me from jujubees.

And when my days of trial are done, and my war with malted milk is won,

Let me stand with Heavenly throng,

In a shining robe--size 30 long.

I can do it Lord, If You'll show to me, the virtues of lettuce and celery.

If You'll teach me the evil of mayonnaise, of pasta a la Milannaise potatoes a la Lyonnaise and crisp-fried chicken from the South.

Lord, if you love me, shut my mouth.


Sleep In a Storm - June 26, 2015
Years ago a farmer owned land along the Atlantic seacoast. He constantly advertised for hired hands. Most people were reluctant to work on farms along the Atlantic. They dreaded the awful storms that raged across the Atlantic, wreaking havoc on the buildings and crops. As the farmer interviewed applicants for the job, he received a steady stream of refusals.

Finally, a short, thin man, well past middle age, approached the farmer. "Are you a good farmhand?" the farmer asked him. "Well, I can sleep when the wind blows," answered the little man. Although puzzled by this answer, the farmer, desperate for help, hired him. The little man worked well around the farm, busy from dawn to dusk, and the farmer felt satisfied with the man's work.

Then one night the wind howled loudly in from offshore. Jumping out of bed, the farmer grabbed a lantern and rushed next door to the hired hand's sleeping quarters. He shook the little man and yelled, "Get up! A storm is coming! Tie things down before they blow away!" The little man rolled over in bed and said firmly, "No sir. I told you, I can sleep when the wind blows."

Enraged by the response, the farmer was tempted to fire him on the spot. Instead, he hurried outside to prepare for the storm. To his amazement, he discovered that all of the haystacks had been covered with tarpaulins. The cows were in the barn, the chickens were in the coops, and the doors were barred. The shutters were tightly secured. Everything was tied down. Nothing could blow away.

The farmer then understood what his hired hand meant, so he returned to his bed to also sleep while the wind blew.

When you're prepared, spiritually, mentally, and physically, you have nothing to fear. Can you sleep when the wind blows through your life? The hired hand in the story was able to sleep because he had secured the farm against the storm. We, as believers in Christ, secure ourselves against the storms of life by grounding ourselves in the Word of God. We don't need to understand, we just need to hold His hand to have peace in the midst of the storms. I hope you sleep well!


Caught Deacons - June 25, 2015

Two rural church deacons who were having a sociable beer in the local tavern when they saw their minister drive by and take a good long look at their pickup trucks parked outside.

One deacon ducked down and said, "I hope the reverend didn't see us or recognize my pickup."

The other replied indifferently, "What difference does it make?  God knows we're in here...  and he's the only one who counts."

The first deacon answered, "Yeah, but God won't tell my wife."


Genetically Modified Food - June 24, 2015

Signs that scientists have gone too far with genetically modified food:

*Your hot dog just fetched its own ketchup and relish.

*You spot the tell-tale signs of a primitive central nervous system in you Jell-O.

*Chocchini: looks like zucchini, tastes like a Ding Dong.

*The black-eyed peas on your fork just winked at you.

*Every time you pour a glass of orange juice, your garage door goes up.


School Question - June 23, 2015
A University of Alabama football player was visiting a Yankee relative in Boston over the holidays. He went to a large party and met a pretty co-ed. 

He was attempting to start up a conversation with the line, "Where does you go to school?" 

The coed, of course, was not overly impressed with his grammar or southern drawl, but did answer his question.

"Yale," she replied.

The UA student took a big, deep breath and shouted, "WHERE DOES YOU GO TO SCHOOL?"



County Employees - June 22, 2015

A fellow stopped at a rural gas station, filled his tank, and took a break by his car while drinking a soda.

As he relaxed, he watch a couple of men working along the roadside.

One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on. The other man came along behind him by about 25 feet and filled in the hole. The men worked right past the fellow with the soft drink and went on down the road. Overcome by curiosity, the fellow headed for the first man.

"Hey there," he said to the men. "Can you tell me what's going on here with this digging?"

"We work for the county government, " one of the men said.

"But one of you is digging a hole and the other is filling it up. Isn't that a waste of the county's money?"

"Well," one of the men replied, "normally there's three of us - me, Rodney, and Mike. I dig the hole, Rodney sticks in the tree, and Mike here puts the dirt back."

"Yeah," Mike added. "Just because Rodney's sick, that don't mean we can't work, does it?"


The Next One - June 19, 2015
After a young couple brought their new baby home, the wife suggested that her husband should try his hand at changing diapers. 

"I'm busy," he said, "I'll do the next one."

The next time came around and she asked again. 

The husband looked puzzled, "Oh!  I didn't mean the next diaper.  I meant the next baby!"


School Question - June 18, 2015
A University of Alabama football player was visiting a Yankee relative in Boston over the holidays. He went to a large party and met a pretty co-ed. 

He was attempting to start up a conversation with the line, "Where does you go to school?" 

The coed, of course, was not overly impressed with his grammar or southern drawl, but did answer his question.

"Yale," she replied.

The UA student took a big, deep breath and shouted, "WHERE DOES YOU GO TO SCHOOL?"


Trading Caps - June 17, 2015
I have a friend who filled his car with gas at a self-service gas station. After he had paid and driven away, he realized that he had left the gas cap on top of his car. He stopped and looked and, sure enough, it was lost.

Well, he thought for a second and realized that other people must have done the same thing, and that it was worth going back to look by the side of the road since even if he couldn't find his own gas cap, he might be able to find one that fit. Sure enough, he hadn't been searching long when he found a gas cap. He tried it on, and it went into place with a satisfying click.

"Great," he thought, "I lost my gas cap, but I found another one that fits.

And this one's even better because it locks..."


Lucky Saucer - June 16, 2015

A famous art collector is walking through the city when he notices a mangy cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a store and he does a double-take. He recognizes that the saucer is extremely old and very valuable, so he walks casually into the store and offers to buy the cat for two dollars.

The store owner replies "I'm sorry, but the cat isn't for sale. The collector says "Please, I need a hungry cat around the house to catch mice. I'll pay you twenty dollars for that cat." And the owner says "Sold," and hands over the cat. The collector continues, "Hey, for the twenty bucks I wonder if you could throw in that old saucer. The cat's used to it and it'll save me from having to get a dish."

And the owner says, "Sorry buddy, but that's my lucky saucer. So far this week I've sold sixty-eight cats."


Supporting a Family - June 15, 2015

Jake had proposed to young Gina and was being interviewed by his prospective father-in-law.

"Do you think you are earning enough to support a family?" the older man asked the suitor.

"Yes, sir," replied Jake, "I'm sure I am."

"Think carefully now," said Gina's father.

"There are twelve of us..."


Unforgiveness Bracelet - June 12, 2015
Judi was walking by the jewelry store one day in the midtown mall. She saw a diamond bracelet that she really liked. In the store she went.

"Excuse me," she said to the saleslady behind the counter, "Will a small deposit hold that bracelet until my husband does something unforgivable?"


Call The Doctor - June 11, 2015

Thanks to subscriber Judy S. for submitting today's joke.

A Baptist pastor was presenting a children's sermon. During the sermon, he asked the children if they knew what the resurrection was. Now, asking questions during children's sermons is crucial, but at the same time, asking children questions in front of a congregation can also be very dangerous.

Having asked the children if they knew the meaning of the resurrection, a little boy raised his hand.

The pastor called on him and the little boy said, "I know that if you have a resurrection that lasts more than four hours you are supposed to call the doctor."

It took over ten minutes for the congregation to settle down enough from their laughter for the worship service to be continued.


Do It Yourself - June 10, 2015
When a guy's printer type began to grow faint, he called a local repair shop where a friendly man informed him that the printer probably needed only to be cleaned.

Because the store charged $50 for such cleanings, he told him he might be better off reading the printer's manual and trying the job himself.

Pleasantly surprised by his candor, he asked, "Does your boss know that you discourage business?"

"Actually, it's my boss's idea," the employee replied sheepishly.

"We usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to fix things themselves first."


Restrictions - June 9, 2015
As Bill grew old, physicians greatly restricted his activities, and it irked him enormously. A nurse had been hired to tend to his needs as he had now been confined to total bed rest.

"Nurse, I would like to do some reading," Bill said.

"Fine," the nurse replied, "What kind of reading would you like? A magazine, a book?"

"Well with the way the doctors have limited my activities," he replied, "Why don't you just bring me a postage stamp."


Deathbed Conversion - June 8, 2015

An old Irish man is lying in bed, very ill.  His son is sitting at his bedside, expecting the end to come at any moment. The old man looks up at the boy and says, "Son, it's time for you to get me a Protestant minister."

The son is astounded. "But, Dad!" he protests, "You've been a good Catholic all you life! You're delirious. It's a priest ye be wanting now, not a minister."

The old man looks up at him and says, "Son, please. It's me last request. Get a minister for me!"

"But, Dad," cries the son, "Ye raised me a good Catholic. You've been a good Catholic all your life.

Ye don't want a minister at a time like this!"

The old man manages to croak out the words, "Son, if you respect me and love me as a father, you'll go out and get me a Protestant minister right now."

The son relents and goes out and gets the minister. They come back to the house, and the minister goes upstairs and converts him. As the minister is leaving the house, he passes Father O'Malley coming quickly through the door. The minister stares solemnly into the eyes of the priest. "I'm afraid you're too late, Father," he says. "He's a Protestant now."

Father O'Malley rushes up the steps and bursts into the old man's room. "Pat! Pat! Why did ye do it?" he cries. "You were such a good Catholic! We went to St. Mary's together! You were there when I performed my first mass! Why in the world would ye do such a thing like this?"

"Well," the old man says as he looks up at his dear friend. "I figured if somebody had to go, it was better one of *them* than one of *us*."


Substitute Teacher - June 5, 2015

Walking through the hallways at the middle school where I work, I saw a new substitute teacher standing outside his classroom with his forehead against a locker.

I heard him mutter, "How did you get yourself into this?"

Knowing that he was assigned to a difficult class, I tried to offer moral support.

"Are you okay?" I asked. "Can I help?"

He lifted his head and replied, "I'll be fine as soon as I get this kid out of his locker."


Coffee Stir - June 4, 2015

A diner was agitated that the waiter had brought him no spoon with his coffee. "This coffee," he said loud enough for most of the other patrons to hear, "is going to be pretty hot to stir with my fingers."

The waiter reddened, made a hasty retreat to the kitchen and returned shortly with another cup of coffee.

"This one isn't so hot, sir," he beamed.


Grandpa's Manners - June 3, 2015
"Grandpa, I'm really proud of you," said the modish young lady.

"What's to be proud of?" asked the old man.

The young lady replied, "I noticed that when you sneeze, you've learned to put your hand in front of your mouth."

"Of course," explained Grandpa.

"How else can I catch my teeth???"


Doctor's Party Advice - June 2, 2015

Judi strolled up to a guest at the party. She had heard him addressed as doctor and now she said coyly,

"Doctor, may I ask a question?"

"Certainly," he said.

"Lately," said Judi, "I have been having a funny pain right here under the heart . . ."

The guest interrupted uncomfortably and said, "I'm terribly sorry, Judi, but I'm a doctor of philosophy."

"Oooh," she said, "I'm sorry!"

She turned away, but then overcome with curiosity, she turned back. "Just one more question, doctor.

Tell me, what kind of disease is 'philosophy'?"


Bagel Storm - June 1, 2015
It was a terrible night, blowing cold and rain in a most frightful manner. The streets were deserted and the local baker was just about to close up shop when a little man slipped through the door. He carried an umbrella, blown inside out, and was bundled in two sweaters and a thick coat. But even so he still looked wet and bedraggled.

As he unwound his scarf he said to the baker, "May I have two bagels to go, please?"

The baker said in astonishment, "Two bagels? Nothing more?"

"That's right," answered the little man. "One for me and one for Bernice."

"Bernice is your wife?" Asked the baker.

"What do you think," snapped the little man, "my mother would send me out on a night like this?"