Good, Clean Jokes and Funny Stories


Good, Clean Jokes and Funny Stories


While the Bible isn't a joke book, it is obvious that humor played an important role in Hebrew culture. When drought hit Jacob's world he turned to his sons and said, "Why are you staring at one another...Go down [to Egypt] and buy some for us" (Gen 42:1-2). I also hear humor in some of Jesus' remarks, like when He renamed James and John the "sons of thunder" or when He said the Pharisees where like whitewashed tombs, full of dead men's bones (Matt 23). I think we need the picture of Jesus laughing and enjoying people. In fact, while Jesus indeed had many hard things to say, He was also full of emotion, joy and celebration. Even as He rebuked the Pharisees, we see a glimpse of His demeanor in ministry when He scolded them saying, "We played the flute for you, but you would not dance" (Matt 11). There was something very non-religious in Jesus that laughter, celebration and humor is part of. Hopefully, these jokes, stories and quips will help make your day more merry as you walk with the Lord Jesus through this world.

Francis

December 2015


Adam First Clothes - December 31, 2015

A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, looking at the old pages as he turned them.Then something fell out of the Bible. He picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that has been pressed in between the pages.

"Mama, look what I found," the boy called out..

"What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked.

With astonishment in the young boy's voice he answered,

"It's Adam 's suit".


Restrained Preacher - December 30, 2015
The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike and as he preached, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike cord as he went. Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord and nearly tripping before jerking it again.

After several circles and jerks,

A little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother and whispered,

"If he gets loose, will he hurt us?"


Church Ushers - December 29, 2015
Six-year old Angie , and her four-year old brother, Joel , were sitting together in church.

Joel giggled, sang and talked out loud.

Finally, his big sister had had enough. "You're not supposed to talk out loud in church."

"Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked.

Angie pointed to the back of the church and said,

"See those two men standing by the door?

They're hushers."


Similarities - December 28, 2015
My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?"

I mentally polished my halo, while I asked,"No, how are we alike?"

"You're both old," he replied.


Bible Version - December 25, 2015
A ten-year old, under the tutelage of her grandmother, was becoming quite knowledgeable about the Bible.

Then, one day, she floored her grandmother by asking,

"Which Virgin was the mother of Jesus ? The virgin Mary or the King James Virgin ?"


A Sunday school Lesson - December 24, 2015
A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments.

They were ready to discuss the last one.

The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was.

Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted,

"Thou shall not take the covers off the neighbor's wife."


Pet Lobsters - December 23, 2015
After a day fishing in the ocean, a fisherman is walking from the pier carrying two lobsters in a bucket.  He is approached by the game warden who asks him for his fishing license.

The fisherman says to the warden, "I did not catch these lobsters, they are my pets.  Everyday I come done to the water and whistle and these lobster jump out and I take them for a walk only to return them at the end of the day."

The warden, not believing him, reminds him that it is illegal to fish without a license.  The fisherman turns to the warden and says, "If you don't believe me then watch," as he throws the lobsters back into the water.

The warden says, "Now whistle to your lobsters and show me that they will come out of the water."

The fisherman turns to the warden and says, "What lobsters?"


Talking Horse - December 22, 2015
A jogger, running down a country road, is startled as a horse yells at him,
"Hey! Come over here, buddy!" The jogger is stunned, but runs over to the fence where the horse is standing and asks, "Are you talking to me???"

The horse replies, "Sure am! Listen, I've got a problem. I won the Kentucky Derby a few years ago, but then this farmer bought me, and now all I do is pull a plow. I'm sick of it. Why don't you run up to the house and offer him $5,000 to buy me? I'll make you some real money, 'cause I can still run."

Dollar signs go off in the jogger's head. So he runs up to the farmhouse, where he finds the old farmer sitting on the porch.

The jogger says, "Say, old man, I'll give you $5,000 for that old, broken-down nag you've got out in the field."

Says the farmer, "Son, I know what you are thinking, but you can't believe everything you hear. He's never even been to Kentucky."


Do You Have a Life? - December 21, 2015
Have you ever been embarrassed by misunderstanding something somebody said?

It happened to me a few days ago.

I was on a public bus. I was bored, so I was playing Tetris on my cell phone. An elderly woman was sitting across from me, and I heard her ask, "Do you have a life?"
I guessed she was making a snide remark about my not having anything better to do on the bus than to play a silly little game on an electronic device, but I didn't dare use a snide response. So I just said, "Yes, I do."

Then she responded, "Where is it?"

I supposed that this was either an odd way to articulate her disbelief in my having a life, or some weird sort of philosophical catechism regarding life. I had trouble answering, but I said, "Uh ... that's a hard question to answer. It isn't a physical object of which you can pinpoint the location." I didn't say much more about it, because I didn't want to get into a religious discussion of the location of life with her.

Then she replied in the way I least expected, "Yeah, whatever. Can I borrow it for a sec?"

I thought it was extremely odd for her to ask to borrow my life. It also piqued my curiosity about her intentions. So I said, "Er ... how would you propose I do that?"

"Look, just give it to me, I'll use it for a little bit and give it back to you."

I figured that before she chanted some incantation directing spirits to temporarily donate my life, I would at least find out why she wanted my life. So I ask just that, "What do you want my life for?"

She gave me a puzzled look.

From our following discourse, which I do not remember very well, I found out that she was actually asking me if I had a cigarette lighter. ("Do you have a light?")

I can only imagine how odd my responses seemed to her.


Why Go to Church? - December 18, 2015

One Sunday morning, a mother went in to wake her son and tell him it was time to get ready for church, to which he replied, "I'm not going."

"Why not?" she asked.

I'll give you two good reasons," he said. "(1), they don't like me, and (2), I don't like them."

His mother replied, "I'll give you two good reasons why you SHOULD go to church: (1) You're 59 years old, and (2) you're the pastor!"


The Picnic - December 17, 2015
A Jewish Rabbi and a Catholic Priest met at the town's annual 4th of July picnic. Old friends, they began their usual banter.

"This baked ham is really delicious," the priest teased the rabbi. "You really ought to try it. I know it's against your religion, but I can't understand why such a wonderful food should be forbidden! You don't know what you're missing. You just haven't lived until you've tried Mrs. Hall's prized Virginia Baked Ham. Tell me, Rabbi, when are you going to break down and try it?"

The rabbi looked at the priest with a big grin, and said, "At your wedding."


The Usher - December 16, 2015
An elderly woman walked into the local country church. The friendly usher greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight of steps.

"Where would you like to sit?" he asked politely.

"The front row, please," she answered.

"You really don't want to do that," the usher said. "The pastor is really
boring."

"Do you happen to know who I am?" the woman inquired.

"No," he said.

"I'm the pastor's mother," she replied indignantly.

"Do you know who I am?" he asked.

"No," she said.

"Good," he answered.


Show and Tell - December 15, 2015
A kindergarten teacher gave her class a "show and tell" assignment. Each
student was instructed to bring in an object that represented their religion to share with the class.

The first student got up in front of the class and said, "My name is Benjamin and I am Jewish and this is a Star of David."

The second student got up in front of the class and said, "My name is Mary. I'm a Catholic and this is a Rosary."

The third student got in up front of the class and said, "My name is Tommy. I am Methodist, and this is a casserole."


The Best Way To Pray - December 14, 2015
A priest, a minister and a guru sat discussing the best positions for prayer, while a telephone repairman worked nearby

"Kneeling is definitely the best way to pray," the priest said.

"No," said the minister. "I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven."

"You're both wrong," the guru said. "The most effective prayer position is lying down on the floor."

The repairman could contain himself no longer. "Hey, fellas," he interrupted. "The best prayin' I ever did was when I was hangin' upside down from a telephone pole."


The Twenty and the One - December 11, 2015
A well-worn one-dollar bill and a similarly distressed twenty-dollar bill arrived at a Federal Reserve Bank to be retired.

As they moved along the conveyor belt to be burned, they struck up a conversation.

The twenty-dollar bill reminisced about its travels all over the country.

"I've had a pretty good life," the twenty proclaimed. "Why I've been to Las Vegas and Atlantic City , the finest restaurants in New York, performances on Broadway, and even a cruise to the Caribbean ."

"Wow!" said the one-dollar bill. "You've really had an exciting life!"

"So, tell me," says the twenty, "where have you been throughout your lifetime?"

The one dollar bill replies, "Oh, I've been to the Methodist Church , the Baptist Church , the Lutheran Church ."

The twenty-dollar bill interrupts, "What's a church?"


Goat for Dinner - December 10, 2015

The young couple invited their elderly pastor for Sunday dinner. While
they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son
what they were having.

"Goat," the little boy replied.

"Goat?" replied the startled man of the cloth, "Are you sure about that?"

"Yep," said the youngster. "I heard Dad say to Mom, 'Today is just as good as any to have the old goat for dinner.' "


Evaluation Excerpts - December 9, 2015
These are actual excerpts from college course evaluation forms:
1. "The textbook is almost useless. I use it to kill roaches in my room."
2. "He teaches like Speedy Gonzalez on a caffeine high."
3. "Help! I've fallen asleep and I can't wake up!"
4. "The recitation instructor would make a good parking lot attendant. Tries to tell you where to go, but you can never understand him."
5. "The class is worthwhile because I need it for the degree."
6. "Textbook is confusing; someone with a knowledge of English should proofread it."
7. "Problem sets are a decoy to lure you away from potential exam material."
8. "He is one of the best teachers I have had...He is well-organized, presents good lectures, and creates interest in the subject. I hope my comments don't hurt his chances of getting tenure."
9. "I would sit in class and stare out the window at the squirrels. They've got a cool nest in the tree."
10. "Information was presented like a ruptured fire hose-spraying in all directions - no way to stop it."
11. "I never bought the text. My $60 was better spent on the Led Zeppelin CDs that I used while doing the problem sets."
12. "The course was very thorough. What wasn't covered in class was covered on the final exam."


Lawn Ornaments - December 7, 2015
Customer at a counter of a lawn ornament shop:"Give me four of those pinwheels, two of those pink flamingos, two of the sunflowers, and one of those bent-over grandma in bloomers."

Cashier reply's:
"That'll be eight dollars for the pinwheels, ten dollars for the flamingos, six dollars for the sunflowers, and an apology to my wife!"


Self-Righteousness - December 7, 2015
Jones jumped up from the card table white with rage.

"Stop this game," he shouted, "Smith is cheating!"

"How do you know?"

"He's not playing the hand I dealt him."


Too Distant / Too Close - December 4, 2015
The showers in my daughter's dorm turned scalding hot whenever a toilet was flushed. To warn others, residents would yell out, "Flushing!" each time they flushed the toilets.

During one of my daughter's visits home, a friend stopped by to chat for a while. I was explaining how my daughter was acting more distant now that she was in college, and that she didn't tell me all about her life the way she used to.

Suddenly we heard my daughter call out from the bathroom, "Flushing!"
"Wow!" said my friend, "How much more do you want to know?"


Invitation - December 3, 2015
A nurse on the pediatric ward, before listening to the little ones chests, would plug the stethoscope into their ears and let them listen to their own hearts. Their eyes would always light up with awe, but she never got a response equal to four-year old David's comment.

Gently she tucked the stethoscope into his ears and placed the disk over his heart. "Listen", she said..........."What do you suppose that is?"

He drew his eyebrows together in a puzzled line and looked up as if lost in the mystery of the strange tap - tap - tapping deep in his chest.

Then his face broke out in a wondrous grin and he asked, "Is that Jesus knocking?"


Golf Comeback - December 2, 2015
(This joke is based on an actual event which is a part of golf lore around the world).

A golfer is playing a round of golf with his buddies. On the sixth hole, a hole over water, he proceeds to flub nine balls into the water. Frustrated over his poor golfing ability, and about ready to hit somebody, he heaves his golf clubs into the water, and begins to walk off the course.

Then all of a sudden he turns around and jumps back in the lake, his buddies apparently thinking he is going to retrieve his clubs. When he comes out of the water he doesn't have his clubs and begins to walk off the course.

Then one of his buddies asks, "Why did you jump into the lake?"

And he said, "I left my car keys in the bag."


Home Is Like That - December 1, 2015
A woman was at home with her children when the telephone rang.

In going to answer it, she tripped on a rug, grabbed for something to hold on to and seized the telephone table.  It fell over with a crash, jarring the receiver off the hook.  As it fell, it hit the family dog, who leaped up, howling and barking.  The woman's three-year-old son, startled by this noise, broke into loud screams.  The woman mumbled some colorful words.

She finally managed to pick up the receiver and lift it to her ear, just in time to hear her husband's voice on the other end say, "Nobody's said hello yet, but I'm positive I have the right number."

November 2015


Car Trouble - November 30, 2015
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the
mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, 'What's the story?'
He replies, 'Just crap in the carburetor'
She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?'


Speeding Ticket - November 27, 2015
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, 'I wish you guys would get your act together.
Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!'


River Walk - November 26, 2015
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank 'Yoo-hoo!' she shouts, 'How can I get to the other side?'
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, 'You ARE on the other side.'


At the Doctors Office - November 25, 2015
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
'Impossible!' says the doctor.. 'Show me.'
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you?
'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.'
'I thought so,' the doctor said, 'Your finger is broken.'


Knitting - November 24, 2015
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, 'PULL OVER!'
'NO!' the blonde yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF!'


Blond on the Sun - November 23, 2015
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.
The Russian said, 'We were the first in space!'
The American said, 'We were the first on the moon!'
The Blonde said, 'So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!' The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.
'You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!' said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, 'We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!'


In a Vacuum - November 19, 2015
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night... It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, 'If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?' She thought for a time and then asked, 'Is it on or off?'


Dogs Names - November 18, 2015

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?' 'HELLLOOOOOOO......,' answered the blonde. 'They're watch dogs'!


Good News - November 17, 2015
•The parachute company says you'll get a full refund.
•They say the house didn't float very far at all.
•The "National Enquirer" just loved those pictures of you at work.
•Jerry Springer wants to surprise you on his show.
•The reward for your capture has reached fifty thousand dollars.
•The insurance pays the full book value ($312) for your 1956 T Bird.
•The thieves left the push lawn mower and hedge trimmers.
•Those Grand Juries always over-react. Don't worry about it.
•The boss said while you're sick, he'd do all your work personally.


Practical Marriage - November 16, 2015
A Pastor was called to a local nursing home to perform a wedding.  An anxious old man met him at the door.  The pastor sat down to counsel him.  The Pastor asked several questions.

"Do you love her?"

The old man replied, "I guess."

"Is she a good Christian woman?"

"I don't know for sure," the old man answered.

"Does she have lots of money?" asked the pastor.

"I doubt it."

"Then why are you marrying her?" the preacher asked.

"She is allowed to drive at night," the old man said.


Johnny In The Garden - November 13, 2015
Little Johnny sat playing in the garden.

When his mother came out to collect him, she saw that he was slowly eating a worm.

She turned pale. "No, Johnny! Stop! That's horrible! You can't eat worms!"

Trying to convince him further she noted, "The mother worm is looking all over for her nice baby worm."

"No, she isn't," said Johnny.

"How do you know she's not?" said the mother.

"Because I ate her first!" answered Little Johnny.


Idealism - November 12, 2015
My friend Julie and I were eating at a Chinese restaurant.
When an elderly waiter set chopsticks at our places, Julie made a point of reaching into her purse and pulling out her own pair. "As an environmentalist," she declared, "I do not approve of destroying bamboo forests for throwaway utensils."
The waiter inspected her chopsticks.
"Very beautiful," he said politely. "Ivory."


Top Ten Signs You've Bought a Lemon of a Car - November 11, 201510. Your tinted windows are also known as Hefty Garbage Bags.
9. The car reaches its optimum speed when going downhill.
8. The hi-tech stereo system often requires a new needle.
7. The rear-view mirror says, "Objects in Mirror Are Better Than This Piece of Junk."
6. The odometer on the dashboard is not as sophisticated as the everyday abacus.
5. Traffic Watch warns other drivers what highway you're taking.
4. The sticker on the windshield says, "Batteries Not Included."
3. You fill up the tank with Unleaded Coals.
2. You can only go to restaurants that offer Valet Pushing.
1. When you approach hitchhikers, they put their thumbs down.


Family Moving - November 10, 2015 

When my father-in-law decided to move after his retirement, he invited us to his home to take a few pieces of furniture he wanted us to have.

One item was beautiful but very heavy - an antique dining-room set. Our teenage son helped us wrestle the set into our truck. It took the whole day, but finally the table, chairs, and china cabinet were sitting in our dining room.

"Just think," I said as I admired the furniture while my son sat resting. "This set is 100 years old. And someday, it will belong to you."

"Oh, no!" he replied with a stricken look on his face. "You mean I'm going to have to move this thing AGAIN?"


Church Bulletin Humor - November 9, 2015
Sermon Outline:
I. Delineate your fear
II. Disown your fear
III. Displace your rear
- Next Friday we will be serving hot gods for lunch.
- If you would like to make a donation, fill out a form, enclose a check and drip in the collection basket.
- Nov. 11: An evening of boweling at Lincoln Country Club.
Women's Luncheon:
Each member bring a sandwich.
Polly Phillips will give the medication.
- Karen's beautiful solo: "It is Well With My Solo."
- Congratulations to Tim and Ronda on the birth of their daughter October 12 thru 17.
- If you choose to heave during the Postlude, please do so quietly.
- We are grateful for the help of those who cleaned up the grounds around the church building and the rector.
- Hymn: "I Love Thee My Ford."
- Sign-up sheet for anyone wishing to be water baptized on the table in the foyer.
- Newsletters are not being sent to absentees because of their weight.
- Helpers are needed! Please sign up on the information sheep.
- The Advent Retreat will be held in the lover level of St. Mary's Cathedral.
- The District Duperintendent will be meeting with the church boared.
- As soon as the weather clears up, the men will have a goof outing.


More Church Bulletin Humor - November 6, 2015

- Fifth Sinday is Lent.
- Thank you, dead friends.
- Diana and Don request your presents at their wedding.
- Lent is a period for preparing for Holy Weed and Easter.
- Bless the Lord, O my soul, and forget all His benefits.
- For the word of God is quick and powerful...piercing even to the dividing asunder of soup and spirit.
- Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peach to men.
- Definition: Persons who are shut-in during bath weather.
- Bring one dozen coolies wrapped for Christmas.
- The lovers in the exhaust fan are not working.
- Volunteers are needed to spit up food.
- Head Deacon and Dead Deaconess
- We pray that our people will jumble themselves.




The  Children's Bible in a Nutshell - November 5, 2015

In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says, 'The Lord thy God is one,' but I think He must be a lot older than that.

Anyway, God said, 'Give me a light!' and someone did.

Then God made the world.

He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented yet.

Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden.....Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn't have cars.

Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel.

Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.

One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check.

After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob.  Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.

Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people. These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable. God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti.

Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments. These include: don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor's stuff.  Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy mother.

One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town.

After Joshua came David… He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn't sound very wise to me.

After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets. One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore. There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don't have to worry about them.

After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of The New Testament. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had been born in a barn too, because my mom is always saying to me, 'Close the door! Were you born in a barn?' It would be nice to say, 'As a matter of fact, I was.')

During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Republicans.

Jesus also had twelve opossums. The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him.

Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount.

But the Republicans and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus.  He just washed his hands instead.

Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again. He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum. His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.



Good Samaritan - November 4, 2015

A  Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the  Good Samaritan.

She  asked the class, "If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all  wounded and  Bleeding, what would you do?"

A  thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, "I think I'd throw up.


If They Had a Doting Mother - November 3, 2015
MONA LISA'S MOTHER: "After all that money your father and I spent on braces, that's the biggest smile you can give us?"

COLUMBUS' MOTHER: "I don't care what you've discovered, you still could have written!"

MICHELANGELO'S MOTHER: "Can't you paint on walls like other children? Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that stuff off the ceiling?"

NAPOLEON'S MOTHER: "All right, if you aren't hiding your report card inside your jacket, take your hand out of there and show me."

ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S MOTHER: "Again with the stovepipe hat? Can't you just wear a baseball cap like the other kids?"

MARY'S MOTHER: "I'm not upset that your lamb followed you to school, but I would like to know how he got a better grade than you."

ALBERT EINSTEIN'S MOTHER: "But it's your senior picture. Can't you do something about your hair? Styling gel, mousse, something...?"

GEORGE WASHINGTON'S MOTHER: "The next time I catch you throwing money across the Potomac, you can kiss your allowance good-bye!"

JONAH'S MOTHER: "That's a nice story. Now tell me where you've really been for the last forty years."

THOMAS EDISON'S MOTHER: "Of course I'm proud that you invented the electric light bulb. Now turn it off and get to bed!"

PAUL REVERE'S MOTHER: "I don't care where you think you have to go, young man, midnight is past your curfew."


What is a grandmother? - November 2, 2015
(Taken from papers written by a class of 8-year-olds.)
A grandmother is a lady who has no little children of her own. She likes other people's.

A grandfather is a man grandmother.

Grandmothers don't have to do anything except be there when we come to see them. They are so old they shouldn't play hard or run. It is good if they drive us to the store and have lots of quarters for us.

When they take us for walks, they slow down past things like pretty leaves and caterpillars.

They show us and talk to us about the color of the flowers and also Why we shouldn't step on "cracks."

They don't say, "Hurry up."

Usually grandmothers are fat, but not too fat to tie your shoes.

They wear glasses and funny underwear.

They can take their teeth and gums out.

Grandmothers don't have to be smart.

They have to answer questions like "why isn't God married?" and "How come dogs chase cats?".

When they read to us, they don't skip. They don't mind if we ask for the same story over again.

Everybody should try to have a grandmother, especially if you don't have television, because they are the only grown ups who like to spend time with us.

They know we should have snack-time before bedtime and they say prayers with us every time, and kiss us even when we've acted bad.

October 2015


Mother's Dictionary - October 30, 2015
Amnesia:
A condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to have sex again.

Bottle Feeding:
An opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2am too.

Defense:
What you'd better have aroun de yard if you're going to let de children play outside.

Drooling:
How teething babies wash their chins.

Dumbwaiter:
One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.

Family Planning:
The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.

Feedback:
The inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.

Full Name:
What you call your child when you're mad at him.

Grandparents:
The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.

Hearsay:
What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

Impregnable:
A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.

Independent:
How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.

Look Out!:
What it's too late for your child to do by the time you scream it.


More Mother's Dictionary - October 29, 2015
Prenatal:
When your life was still somewhat your own.

Prepared Childbirth:
A contradiction in terms.

Puddle:
A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it. 

Show Off:
A child who is more talented than yours.

Sterilize:
What you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.

Storeroom:
The distance required between the supermarket aisles so that children in shopping carts can't quite reach anything.

Temper Tantrums:
What you should keep to a minimum so as to not upset the children.

Thunderstorm:
A chance to see how many family members can fit into one bed.

Top Bunk:
Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.

Two-Minute Warning:
When the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.

Verbal:
Able to whine in words.

Whodunit:
None of the kids that live in your house.

Whoops:
An exclamation that translates roughly into "get a sponge."


Did Noah Fish? - October 28, 2015

A  Sunday school teacher asked, "Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot  of fishing when he was on the Ark?"

"No,"  replied Johnny. "How could he, with just two  worms?”


The Lord is My Shepherd - October 27, 2015
A  Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of  the most  Quoted passages in the Bible - Psalm 23. She gave the youngsters  a month  to learn the chapter.

Little Rick was excited about  the task - but he just couldn't remember the Psalm. After much practice, he  could barely get past the first line.

On  the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of  the congregation, Ricky was so  nervous. When it was his turn, he stepped up  to the  microphone and said proudly, "The Lord is my Shepherd, and that's all  I need  to know.


Unanswered Prayer - October 26, 2015
The  preacher's 5 year-old daughter noticed that her father always paused  and bowed  his head for a moment before starting his  sermon.

One  day, she asked him why.

"Well, Honey," he began, proud  that his daughter was so observant of his messages. "I'm asking the Lord  to help me preach a good sermon."

"How  come He doesn't answer it?" she asked.


Being Thankful - October 23, 2015

A  Rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy, "So your mother says  your
prayers for you each night?  That's very commendable. What does she  say?"

The  little boy replied, "Thank God he's in  bed!"


All Men / All Girls - October 22, 2015
When  my daughter, Kelli, said her bedtime prayers, she would bless  every
family member, every friend,  and every animal (current and past).

For  several weeks, after we had finished the nightly prayer, Kelli  would
say,  "And all girls."

This  soon became part of her nightly routine, to include this closing.  My
curiosity got the best of me  and I asked her, "Kelli, why do you always  add
the  part about all girls?"

Her  response, "Because everybody always finish their prayers by saying  'All
Men'! 


Say a Prayer - October 21, 2015

Little Johnny and his family  were having Sunday dinner at his  Grandmother's
house.  Everyone was seated around the  table as the food was being served.

When  Little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right  away.

"Johnny! Please wait until we  say our prayer." said his mother.

"I  don't need to," the boy replied.

"Of  course, you do "his mother insisted. "We always say a prayer  before eating at our  house."

"That's at our house." Johnny  explained. "But this is Grandma's house  and
SHE  knows how to cook.


The Bible - October 20, 2015

Did  you know that... When you carry the Bible, Satan has a headache.  When you  open it, he collapses. When he sees you reading it, he faints.  Let's read  the Bible every day so he keeps on fainting. Maybe one day he'll have  a stroke and never wake up. And  did you also know that when you are about  to forward this email to others.  The devil will discourage you, but forward  it anyway.


Signs You Need a New Lawyer - October 19, 2015
1. During your initial consultation he tries to sell you Amway.

2. He tells you that his last good case was a "Budweiser."

3. When the prosecutors see who your lawyer is, they high-five each other.

4. He picks the jury by playing "duck-duck-goose."

5. During the trial you catch him playing his Gameboy.

6. A prison guard is shaving your head.

7. He places a large "No Refunds" sign on the defense table.

8. He begins closing arguments with, "As Ally McBeal once said ..."

9. He keeps citing the legal case of Godzilla v. Mothra.

10. Just before he says "Your Honor," he makes those little quotation marks in the air with his fingers.

11. The sign in front of his law office reads "Practicing Law Since 2:25 PM."

12. Whenever his objection is overruled, he tells the judge, "Whatever."

13. Just before trial starts he whispers, "The judge is the one with the little hammer, right?"


Chose Your Weapon - October 16, 2015
Nine-year-old Aaron came home from the playground with a bloody nose, black eye, and torn clothing.

It was obvious he'd been in a bad fight and lost.

While his father was patching him up, he asked his son what happened.

"Well, Dad," said Aaron, "I challenged Larry to a duel. And, you know, I gave him his choice of weapons."

"Uh-huh," said the father, "that seems fair."

"I know, but I never thought he'd choose his sister!"


Computerized Airline - October 15, 2015
The world's first fully computerized airliner was ready for its maiden flight without pilots or crew.

The plane taxied to the loading area automatically, its doors opened automatically, the steps came out automatically.

The passengers boarded the plane and took their seats.

The steps retreated automatically, the doors closed, and the airplane taxied toward the runway.

"Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen," a voice intoned.

"Welcome to the debut of the world's first fully computerized airliner. Everything on this aircraft is run electronically. Just sit back and relax. Nothing can go wrong ... nothing can go wrong...nothing can go wrong...."

Security Alert - October 14, 2015
DEPT. OF HOMELAND SECURITY ALERT

We've just been notified by Security that there have been 6 suspected terrorists working out of your office.

Five of the six have been apprehended.  Bin Sleepin, Bin Loafin, Bin Goofin, Bin Lunchin and Bin Drinkin have been taken into custody.

Our agent advised us that they could find no one fitting the description of the sixth cell member, Bin Workin, at your office.

Security is confident that anyone who looks like he's Bin Workin will be very easy to spot.

You are obviously not a suspect at this time.


Can You See Me? - October 13, 2015
I'm a counselor who helps coordinate support groups for visually-impaired adults.

Many participants have a condition known as macular degeneration, which makes it difficult for them to distinguish facial features.

I had just been assigned to a new group and was introducing myself.

Knowing that many in the group would not be able to see me well, I jokingly said, "For those of you who can't see me, I've been told that I look like a cross between Paul Newman and Robert Redford."

Immediately, one woman called out, "We're not THAT blind!"


Late for Dinner - October 12, 2015
The early bird may get the worm but the second mouse gets the cheese.


Baptism - October 9, 2015
The youth director had been trying for months to get the little boy down the street to come to church to be with his third grade Sunday school class.

Finally after talking to the boy and his mother for what seemed to be the hundredth time the boy finally agreed to go this next Sunday, which he did and seemed to enjoy all of the proceedings except as the baptismal service began he ran out the back door and ran all the way home. His mother asked him why he ran home instead of riding with the youth minister.

The little boy answered, "Its all a racket, They get you there and let you make all those nice things and tell you great stories just to get you relaxed so they can drown you at the end of one of the services."


Tight Shoes - October 8, 2015

A man walks into a shoe store, and tries on a pair of shoes.

"How do they feel?" asks the sales clerk.

"Well ... they feel a bit tight." replies the man.

The assistant promptly bends down and has a look at the shoes and the mans feet.

"Try pulling out on the tongue." offers the clerk.

"Nath theyth sthill feelth a bith tighth." He says.


Know Your States - October 7, 2015
The old pastor made it a practice to visit the parish school one day a week.

He walked into the 4th grade class, where the children were studying the states, and asked them how many states they could name.

They came up with about 40 names.

He jokingly told them that in his day students knew the names of all the states.

One lad raised his hand and said, "Yes, but in those days there were only 13."


Delegating - October 6, 2015
The featured guest on our local radio talk show was a woman who owned a home-cleaning service.

After she described what her clients could expect, the program's telephone lines were opened to the audience. The first caller struck to the heart of every woman who had ever contemplated employing such a service.

Her question: "How much cleaning do I have to do before your people come?"


The Wedding Dress - October 5, 2015
Betty was soon to be married.

More than anything, she wanted to wear the wedding dress her mother was married in. Betty's mother was beaming with pride as she gave her consent.

Later in the evening, the family gathered in the living room to wait while Betty tried on the dress.

When Betty entered the room, there was a chorus of approval. The dress fit perfectly and looked wonderful on her.

Tears ran down the face of Betty's mother.

Seeing this, Betty said, "Don't worry Mom, you're not losing a daughter, your gaining a son."

"Forget about that!" she said with a sob.

"I used to fit into that dress!"


Excerpts From Actual Letters Sent To Landlords - October 2, 2015
1. "The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared."

2. "This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man next door."

3. "I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall."

4. "I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen."

5. "Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces."

6. "Will you please send someone to mend our cracked sidewalk. Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant."


Motivating Others - October 1, 2015
John, a neighbor of mine, was annoyed because he had to search for his newspaper each morning after the paperboy tossed it. Often he would find it, covered with dirt, under the car in the gravel driveway. Then one-day the paperboy's mother mentioned that her son's ambition was to play professional basketball. John had an idea.

When he got home, he attached a basketball hoop to a post on the front porch. Sure enough, the next morning there was a resounding "plunk" as the newspaper sailed through the hoop and landed by the door.

John never had to search for his paper again.

September 2015


Things I've Learned From My Children - September 30, 2015
1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. foot house 4 inches deep.

2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

3. A 3-year-olds voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.

5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using the ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

6. The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh," it's already too late.

8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

9. A six-year-old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year-old man says they can only do it in the movies.

10. Certain Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four-year-old.

11. Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.

12. Super glue is forever.

13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.

14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

15. VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.

19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens.

20. The fire department in Denver, CO has a 5-minute response time.

21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

22. It will however make cats dizzy.

23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

24. The mind of a six-year-old is wonderful.


More Insurance Claims - September 29, 2015
"I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than I thought."

"I pulled into a lay-by with smoke coming from under the bonnet.  I realized the car was on fire so took my dog and smothered it with a blanket."

Q: Could either driver have done anything to avoid the accident?
A: Traveled by bus?

This Norwich Union customer collided with a cow.  The questions and answers on the claim form were:

Q - What warning was given by you?
A - Horn

Q - What warning was given by the other party?
A - Moo

"On approach to the traffic lights the car in front suddenly broke."

"I didn't think the speed limit applied after midnight"

"I knew the dog was possessive about the car but I would not have asked her to drive it if I had thought there was any risk."

"First car stopped suddenly, second car hit first car and a haggis ran into the rear of second car."

"Windscreen broken.  Cause unknown.  Probably Voodoo."

"The car in front hit the pedestrian but he got up so I hit him again"

"I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment."

"The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention."

"I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way"

"A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face"

"A pedestrian hit me and went under my car"

"In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole."

"I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home.  As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car."

"I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident."

"To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck the pedestrian."

"My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle."

"An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished."

"I was thrown from the car as it left the road.  I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows."


12 Reasons I Stopped Attending Sports Events - September 28, 2015
Take some of the most common excuses for not going to church and use them to stop attending sporting events and here’s what you get:

~ Every time I went, they asked me for money.

~ The people I had to sit by didn't seem very friendly.

~ The seats were too hard and not comfortable at all.

~ The coach never came to call on me.

~ The referee made a decision with which I could not agree.

~ I was sitting with some hypocrites -- they came only to see what others were wearing.

~ Some games went into overtime, and I was late getting home.

~ The band played some numbers that I had never heard before.

~ The games are scheduled when I want to do other things.

~ My parents took me to too many games when I was growing up.

~ Since I read a book on sports, I feel that I know more than the coaches anyhow.

~ I don't want to take my children, because I want them to choose for themselves what sport they like best.


Deli Taxes - September 25, 2015
The owner of a small New York sandwich deli was being questioned by an IRS agent about his tax return.  He had reported a net profit of $80,000 for the year.

"Why don't you people leave me alone?" the deli owner said.  "I work like a dog, everyone in my family helps out, the place is only closed three days a year.  And you want to know how I made $80,000?"

"It's not your income that bothers us," the agent said.  "It's these travel deductions.  You listed six trips to Florida for you and your wife."

"Oh, that," the owner said smiling.  "It is a legitimate business expense because we also deliver."


Texan Expressions - September 24, 2015
1. The engine's runnin' but ain't nobody driving = Not overly-intelligent.

2. As welcome as a skunk at a lawn party (self-explanatory).

3. Tighter than bark on a tree = Not very generous.

4. Big hat, no cattle = All talk and no action.

5. We've howdied but we ain't shook yet = We've made a brief acquaintance, but not been formally introduced.

6. He thinks the sun come up just to hear him crow = He has a pretty high opinion of himself.

7. She's got tongue enough for 10 rows of teeth = That woman can talk

8. It's so dry the trees are bribin' the dogs = We really could use a little rain around here.

9. This ain't my first rodeo = I've been around awhile.

10. He looks like the dog's been keepin' him under the porch = Not the most handsome of men .

11. As full of wind as a corn-eating horse = Rather prone to boasting.

12. You can put your boots in the oven, but that doesn't make them biscuits = You can say whatever you want about something, but that doesn't change what it is.


The Truth Log - September 23, 2015
The first mate on a ship decided to celebrate with a bit of stowed-away rum. He got so drunk that he was still a little drunk the next morning. Later in the day, when the first mate had sobered up, he looked in the ship's log. He read the captain's entry for the day: "The first mate was drunk today."

"Captain, please don't leave that in the log," the mate said. "This could add months or years to my becoming a captain myself."

"Well, is it true?" asked the captain, knowing full well it was.

"Yes, it's true," admitted the mate.

"If it's true, it has to stay in the log. That's the rule. If it's true, it goes in the log. End of discussion!" said the captain sternly.

Weeks later, it was the first mate's turn to make the log entry.

The first mate wrote: "The ship seems to be in good shape. The captain was sober today."


Turkey Confession - September 22, 2015
Ducking into confession with a turkey in his arms, Brian said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. I stole this turkey to feed my family. Would you take it and settle my guilt?"

"Certainly not," said the Priest. "As penance, you must return it to the one from whom you stole it."

"I tried," Brian sobbed, "but he refused. Oh, Father, what should I do?"

"If what you say is true, then it is all right for you to keep it for your family."

Thanking the Priest, Brian hurried off.

When confession was over, the Priest returned to his residence. When he walked into the kitchen, he found that someone had stolen his turkey.


Missionary Toast - September 21, 2015

A missionary in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives.  Upon surveying his situation, he says quietly to himself, "I'm toast."

A ray of light breaks forth from the sky and a voice booms out: "No, you are NOT toast.  Pick up that stone in front of you and bash the head of the chief."

So the missionary picks up the stone and proceeds to bash the head of the chief, knocking him out.  He is breathing heavily while standing above the sprawled out-chief.

Surrounding him are the 100 native warriors with a look of shock on their faces.

The voice booms out again: "Okay...NOW you're toast!"


Banking Woes - September 18, 2015
The girl came running in tears to her father. "Dad, you gave me some terrible financial advice!" she cried.

"I did? What did I tell you?" said the dad.

"You told me to put my money in that big bank, and now that big bank is in trouble."

"What are you talking about? That's one of the largest banks in the world," he said. "Surely there must be some mistake."

"I don't think so," she sniffed. "They just returned one of my checks with a note saying, 'Insufficient Funds'."


Apprehension - September 17, 2015
As a new employee for a discount brokerage firm, I went for a month of classroom training. Warning us about the volume of information we were required to memorize, one trainer suggested we make lots of notes on file cards.

When I completed the course, I was assigned to a team where, as suggested, I taped all the file cards, crammed with notes, onto my computer.

On my first day of trading, a veteran broker sat with me. He immediately noticed all the cards, and my apprehension, so he promptly made up a new card, which he taped to my computer.

It read "Breathe."


How to write a College Paper - September 16, 2015
1. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a well-lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.

2. Read over the assignment carefully, to make certain you understand it.

3. Walk down to the vending machines and buy some coffee to help you concentrate.

4. Stop off at the third floor, on the way back and visit with your friend from class. If your friend hasn't started the paper yet either, you can both walk to McDonalds and buy a hamburger to help you concentrate. If your friend shows you his paper, typed, double-spaced, and bound in one of those irritating see-thru plastic folders, drop him.

5. When you get back to your room, sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well-lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.

6. Read over the assignment again to make absolutely certain you understand it.

7. You know, you haven't written to that kid you met at camp since fourth grade. You'd better write that letter now and get it out of the way so you can concentrate.

8. Go look at your teeth in the bathroom mirror.

9. Listen to one of your favorite CDs and that's it, I mean it, as soon as it's over you are going to start that paper.

10. Rearrange all of your CDs into alphabetical order.

11. Phone your friend on the third floor and ask if he's started writing yet. Exchange remarks about your teacher, the course, the university, and the world at large.

12. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well-lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.

13. Read over the assignment again; roll the words across your tongue; savor its special flavor.

14. Check the newspaper listings to make sure you aren't missing something truly worthwhile on TV. NOTE: When you have a paper due in less than 12 hours, anything on TV from Masterpiece Theater to Sgt. Preston of the Yukon is truly worthwhile, with these exceptions: a) Pro Bowler's Tour b) any movie starring Don Ameche.

15. Catch the last hour of Soul Brother of Kung Fu on channel 26.

16. Phone your friend on the third floor to see if he was watching. Discuss the finer points of the plot.

17. Go look at your tongue in the bathroom mirror.

18. Look through your roommate's book of pictures from home. Ask who everyone is.

19. Sit down and do some serious thinking about your plans for the future.

20. Open your door and check to see if there are any mysterious trench-coated strangers lurking in the hall.

21. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well-lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.

22. Read over the assignment one more time, just for the thrill of it.

23. Scoot your chair across the room to the window and watch the sunrise.

24. Lie face down on the floor and moan.


Parenting Idea - September 15, 2015
I was with a friend in a cafe' when a noisy car alarm interrupted our conversation.

"What good are car alarms when no one pays any attention to them?" I wondered aloud.

"Some are quite effective," my friend corrected me.

"Last summer, my teenager spent a lot of time at the neighbors'.

Whenever I wanted him home, I'd go out to the driveway and jostle his car."


Ministry Frustrations - September 14, 2015
A new young minister got his first charge - a tiny church way out on the prairies. He traveled from the big city early to familiarize himself with the parish, and visited the church on Wednesday. It was dark and dreary inside, and remembering the suggestion that he find a cause to get the congregation working together, he got the bright idea that hey should raise funds to buy a chandelier to hang in the middle of the sanctuary, and spent the next three days preparing his sermon.

On Sunday morning he spent twenty minutes telling the congregation how great it would be to have a chandelier, He chandeliered this - and he chandeliered that, and finished his sermon with a big pitch for funds with which to buy a glorious chandelier that would mean so much to the people of this parish. He felt after all the handshakes, and seeing the families off that he had made a successful presentation.

After three weeks, having heard no feedback he stopped one of the elders on the way out and asked him the direct question. What are you going to do about the chandelier? Oh, we talked about that and decided against it - you see nobody around here knows how to spell that word - so even if we got one of them things - there's not a soul within a hundred miles who knows how to play one - and furthermore, what this church really needs is more lights.


Mother Quotes - September 11, 2015
PAUL REVERE'S MOTHER: "I don't care where you think you have to go, young man. Midnight is past your curfew!"

MARY, MARY, QUITE CONTRARY'S MOTHER: "I don't mind you having a garden, Mary, but does it have to be growing under your bed?"

MONA LISA'S MOTHER: "After all that money your father and I spent on braces, Mona, that's the biggest smile you can give us?"

HUMPTY DUMPTY'S MOTHER: "Humpty, if I've told you once, I've told you a hundred times not to sit on that wall. But would you listen to me? Noooo!"

COLUMBUS' MOTHER: "I don't care what you've discovered, Christopher. You still could have written!"

BABE RUTH'S MOTHER: "Babe, how many times have I told you-quit playing ball in the house! That's the third broken window this week!"

MICHELANGELO'S MOTHER: "Mike, can't you paint on walls like other children?

Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that stuff off the ceiling?"

NAPOLEON'S MOTHER: "All right, Napoleon. If you aren't hiding your report card inside your jacket, then take your hand out of there and prove it!"

CUSTER'S MOTHER: "Now, George, remember what I told you-don't go biting off more than you can chew!"

ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S MOTHER: "Again with the stovepipe hat, Abe? Can't you just wear a baseball cap like the other kids?"

BARNEY'S MOTHER: "I realize strained plums are your favorite, Barney, but you're starting to look a little purple."

MARY'S MOTHER: "I'm not upset that your lamb followed you to school, Mary, but I would like to know how he got a better grade than you."

BATMAN'S MOTHER (work with me): "It's a nice car, Bruce, but do you realize how much the insurance is going to be?"

GOLDILOCKS' MOTHER: "I've got a bill here for a busted chair from the Bear family. You know anything about this, Goldie?"

LITTLE MISS MUFFET'S MOTHER: "Well, all I've got to say is if you don't get off your tuffet and start cleaning your room, there'll be a lot more spiders around here!"

ALBERT EINSTEIN'S MOTHER: "But, Albert, it's your senior picture. Can't you do something about your hair? Styling gel, mousse, something...?"

GEORGE WASHINGTON'S MOTHER: "The next time I catch you throwing money across the Potomac, you can kiss your allowance good-bye!"

JONAH'S MOTHER: "That's a nice story, but now tell me where you've really been for the last three days."

SUPERMAN'S MOTHER: "Clark, your father and I have discussed it, and we've decided you can have your own telephone line. Now will you quit spending so much time in all those phone booths?"

THOMAS EDISON'S MOTHER: "Of course I'm proud that you invented the electric light bulb, Thomas. Now turn off that light and get to bed!"


New Recruit - September 10, 2015
As the family gathered for a big dinner together, the youngest son announced that he had just signed up at an army recruiter's office.

There were audible gasps around the table, then some laughter, as his older brothers shared their disbelief that he could handle this new situation.

"Oh, come on, quit joking," snickered one. "You didn't really do that, did you?"

"You would never get through basic training," scoffed another.

The new recruit looked to his mother for help, but she was just gazing at him.

When she finally spoke, she simply asked, "Do you really plan to make your own bed every morning?" 


Taxi Grad - September 9, 2015
A young man had just graduated from Harvard and was so excited just thinking about his future.

He gets into a taxi and the driver says, "How are you on this lovely day?"

"I'm the Class of 2012, just graduated from Harvard and I just can't wait to go out there and see what the world has in store for me."

The driver looks back to shake the young man's hand and says, "Congratulations, I'm Mitch Class of 1969." 


Temptation - September 8, 2015
Connie told her 3-year-old grandson, Dean, not to jump on the beds. After several warnings she punished him, explaining that should he fall, he would hurt himself badly. Several minutes passed and he was found jumping from one bed to the other.

Connie's friend said, "Dean, you weren't jumping on the beds again, were you?"

He stood before her with his little head dropped low and said, "I'm trying so hard to quit."


Mind Games For Dogs - September 7, 2015
From the dog manual on how to mess with the minds of your humans.

1. After your humans give you a bath, DON'T LET THEM TOWEL DRY YOU! Instead, run to their bed, jump up and dry yourself off on the sheets. This is especially good if it's right before your human's bedtime.

2. Act like a convicted criminal. When the humans come home, put your ears back, tail between your legs, chin down and act as if you have done something really bad. Then, watch as the humans frantically search the house for the damage they think you have caused. (Note: This only works when you have done absolutely nothing wrong.)

3. Let the humans teach you a brand new trick. Learn it perfectly. When the humans try to
demonstrate it to someone else, stare blankly back at the humans. Pretend you have no idea what they're talking about.

4. Draw attention to the human. When out for a walk always pick the busiest, most visible spot to go 'poo'. Take your time and make sure everyone watches. This works particularly well if your humans have forgotten to bring a plastic bag.

5. When out for a walk, alternate between choking and coughing every time a strange human walks by.

6. Make your own rules. Don't always bring back the stick when playing fetch with the humans. Make them go and chase it once in a while.

7. Hide from your humans. When your humans come home, don't greet them at the door. Instead, hide from them, and make them think something terrible has happened to you. (Don't reappear until one of your humans is panic-stricken and close to tears).

8. When your human calls you to come back in, always take your time. Walk as slowly as possible back to the door.


Back Seat Johnny - September 4, 2015
A woman was driving her old beat up car on the highway with her 7 yr. old son, Little Johnny.
She tried to keep up with traffic but they were flying by her. After getting caught in a large group of cars flying down the road she looked at her speedometer to see she was doing 15 miles over the speed limit.

Slowing down, she moved over to the side and got out of the clump that soon left her behind. She looked up and saw the flashing lights of a police car. Pulling over she waited for the officer to come up to her car.

As he did he said, "Ma'am do you know why I pulled you over?"

Little Johnny piped up from the back seat, "I do! Because you couldn't catch the other cars!"

Doily Box - September 3, 2015
As a new bride, Aunt Edna moved into the small home on her husband's ranch near Snowflake. She put a shoe box on a shelf in her closet and asked her husband never to touch it.

For fifty years Uncle Jack left the box alone, until Aunt Edna was old and dying. One day when he was putting their affairs in order, he found the box again and thought it might hold something important.

Opening it, he found two doilies and $82,500 in cash. He took the box to her and asked about the contents. "My mother gave me that box the day we married," she explained.

"She told me to make a doily to help ease my frustrations every time I got mad at you."

Uncle Jack was very touched that in 50 years she'd only been mad at him twice.

"What's the $82,500 for?" he asked.

"Oh, that's the money I made selling the doilies."


Crow Report - September 2, 2015
Well, it is not a pretty story.

About 200 dead crows were found near the city of Regina and there was concern for Avian Flu.

They had a Bird Pathologist examine the remains of all the crows, and he confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu, to everyone's relief.

However, he determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, and only 2% were killed by cars.

The Province of Saskatchewan then hired a Ornithological Behaviorist to determine the disproportionate percentages for truck versus car kill.

The Ornithological Behaviorist determined the cause in short order.

When crows eat road kill, they always post a "look-out Crow" in a nearby tree, to warn of impending danger.

His conclusion was that the lookout crow could say "Cah", but he could not say "Truck."


Family Relationships - September 1, 2015
I ran short of money while visiting my brother, and borrowed $50 from him.

After my return home, I wrote him a short letter every few weeks, enclosing a $5 check in each one.

He called me up and told me how much he enjoyed the letters, regardless of the money; I had never written regularly before.

Eventually I sent off a letter and the last five-dollar check.

In my mail box the next week I found an envelope from my brother. Inside was another $50.