Good, Clean Jokes and Funny Stories


Good, Clean Jokes and Funny Stories


While the Bible isn't a joke book, it is obvious that humor played an important role in Hebrew culture. When drought hit Jacob's world he turned to his sons and said, "Why are you staring at one another...Go down [to Egypt] and buy some for us" (Gen 42:1-2). I also hear humor in some of Jesus' remarks, like when He renamed James and John the "sons of thunder" or when He said the Pharisees where like whitewashed tombs, full of dead men's bones (Matt 23). I think we need the picture of Jesus laughing and enjoying people. In fact, while Jesus indeed had many hard things to say, He was also full of emotion, joy and celebration. Even as He rebuked the Pharisees, we see a glimpse of His demeanor in ministry when He scolded them saying, "We played the flute for you, but you would not dance" (Matt 11). There was something very non-religious in Jesus that laughter, celebration and humor is part of. Hopefully, these jokes, stories and quips will help make your day more merry as you walk with the Lord Jesus through this world.

Francis

December 2014


December 31, 2014 - Christmas Role
I was casting kids in our church for our annual Christmas play, and I was giving out choices, such as Shepherd, Lamb, Villager.

One 5-year-old couldn't decide, so I said, "Luke, you can be a Villager."

He said, "OK," and ran over to his parents. Very excited, he said to them:

"Guess what! I get to be a mini-van!"


December 30, 2014 - Christmas Nightgown
Looking in the mall for a cotton nightgown, I tried my luck in a store known for its hot lingerie.  To my delight, however, I found just what I was looking for.
Waiting in the line to pay, I noticed a young woman behind me holding the same nightgown.  This confirmed what I suspected all along: despite being over 50, I still have a very "with it" attitude.

"I see we have the same taste," I said proudly to the 20 something behind me.

"Yes," she replied.  "I'm getting this for my grandmother for Christmas."


December 28, 2014 - Home For Christmas

A woman was waiting in the check-out line at a shopping center.  Her arms were laden with a mop and broom and other cleaning supplies.

By her actions and deep sighs, it was obvious she was in an extreme hurry and was not happy about the slowness of the line.

When the cashier called for a price check on a box of soap, the woman remarked indignantly, "Well, I'll be lucky to get out of here and home before Christmas!"

"Don't worry, ma'am," replied the clerk.  "With that wind kicking up out there and that brand new broom you have there, you'll be home in no time.


December 26, 2014 - Christmas Cake

Every Christmas, composer Giacomo Puccini would have a cake baked for each of his friends. One year, having quarreled with Arturo Toscanini just before Christmas, he tried to cancel the order for the conductor's cake. But it was too late the cake had already been dispatched.

The following day, Toscanini received a telegram from Puccini: "Cake sent by mistake."

He replied by return: "Cake eaten by mistake."


December 25, 2014 - Celebrating The Birth
Two women who were having lunch in an elegant hotel were approached by a mutual friend who asked the occasion for the meal.

One lady replied, "We are celebrating the birth of my baby boy."

"But where is he?" inquired the friend.

"Oh," said the mother, "you didn't think I'd bring him, did you?"

What a picture of the way the world treats Jesus at Christmas.


December 24, 2014 - Top Ten Gifts Your Husband Doesn't Want For Christmas

10. Anne of Avonlea/Anne of Green Gables Collectors Edition with 74 minutes of extra footage
9. Any knick-knack
8. Tickets to the ballet
7. Another new tie
6. A Bath and Body Works Soap Basket
5. New teddy bear pajamas
4. Vacuum cleaner
3. A weekend seminar on "Getting in Touch With Your Feelings"
2. Pair of fuzzy bunny slippers
1. A nose and ear hair trimmer (OK, well maybe.)


December 23, 2014 - Top Ten Gifts Your Wife Doesn't Want For Christmas
10. A car wash kit
9. A table saw
8. Two all-day passes to Circuit City's Home Theatre Installation Seminar
7. A case of oil
6. Five-year subscription to Sports Illustrated
5. Custom engraved bowling ball
4. New outboard motor for fishing boat
3. Rambo Trilogy on DVD
2. New satellite dish with sports package
1. Three-year membership to Weight-Watchers Clinic


December 22, 2014 - Christmas Shopping
It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the prisoner, "What are you charged with?"

"Doing my Christmas shopping early," replied the defendant.

"That's no offense," said the judge. "How early were you doing this shopping?"

"Before the store opened," countered the prisoner.


December 21, 2014 - Christmas Card Blues
I was taking a shower when my 2-year-old son came into the bathroom and wrapped himself in toilet paper.

Although he made a mess, he looked adorable, so I ran for my camera and took a few shots.

They came out so well that I had copies made and included one with each of our Christmas cards.

Days later, a relative called about the picture, laughing hysterically and suggesting I take a closer look.

Puzzled, I stared at the photo and was shocked to discover that in addition to my son, I had captured my reflection in the mirror ---wearing nothing but a camera!


December 20, 2014 - Christmas Journey

The Sunday after Christmas, the Sunday School teacher told her students about an angel appearing to Joseph in a dream, warning him about danger to the baby Jesus and telling him how to escape from it.

After the story time, the students were given an opportunity to draw a picture about the story. Most of the pictures were predictable, but Johnny's had an odd element in it.


"Johnny, I see Joseph and Mary with the baby Jesus on a donkey, but what is that following the donkey?

"It's the flea, teacher."

"What flea?" asked the teacher.

To which the boy faithfully repeated the Bible verse: "Take Mary and Jesus and flea to Egypt. There's Mary; there's Jesus; and there's the flea."


December 19, 2014 - Good Christmas Intentions
A kindly 90-year-old grandmother found buying presents for family and friends a bit much last Christmas. So she wrote out checks for all of them to put in their Christmas cards.

In each card she carefully wrote, "Buy your own present" and then sent them off.

After the Christmas festivities were over, she found the checks under a pile of papers on her desk!

Everyone on her gift list had received a beautiful Christmas card from her with "Buy your own present" written inside-- without the check!


December 18, 2014 - Christmas Dinner
I don't think I'll attend this years Christmas dinner.

My wife gave me a haircut this morning.

And now she said she's going to make Christmas dinner with all the trimmings.


December 17, 2014 - Christmas Shopping with Children
After some last-minute Christmas shopping with her grandchildren, my friend was rushing them into the car when four-year-old Jason said, "Grandma, Susie has something in her pocket." He reached in and pulled out a new red barrette.

Though she was tired, my friend knew it was important for Susie to put the item back where she had found it. They did just that.
Later at the grocery store checkout, the clerk asked, "Have you kids been good so Santa will come?"

"I've been very good," replied Jason, "but my sister just robbed a store."


December 16, 2014 - Christmas Baking
This past weekend, I was doing some baking for the holidays. It was getting late and I was tired. So, I decided to leave the cleanup mess until the next morning.

The next morning, I was getting my coffee and I noticed thousands of little tiny footprints in the flour on the counter top.

Needless to say, I wasted no time calling the FBI. They CONFIRMED that I did, in fact, have AntTracks.


December 15, 2014 - Christmas Postage
A Woman went to the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.

"What Denomination?" Asked the clerk.

"Oh, good heavens! Have we come to this?" said the woman.

"Well give me 50 Baptist and 50 Catholic.


December 12, 2014 - ho Started Christmas?
A woman was out Christmas shopping with her two children. After many hours of looking at row after row of toys and everything else imaginable, and after hours of hearing both her children asking for everything they saw on those many shelves, she finally made it to the elevator with her two kids.

She was feeling what so many of us feel during the holiday season time of the year---overwhelming pressure to go to every party, every housewarming, taste all the holiday food and treats, get that perfect gift for every single person on our shopping list, make sure we don't forget anyone on our card list, and the pressure of making sure we respond to everyone who sent us a card.

Finally the elevator doors opened and there was already a crowd in the car. She pushed her way into the car and dragged her two kids in with her and all the bags of stuff.
When the doors closed she couldn't take it anymore and stated, “Whoever started this whole Christmas thing should be found, strung up, and shot.”

From the back of the car everyone heard a quiet, calm voice respond, “Don't worry. We already crucified him."


December 11, 2014 - Christmas Love

The students were led into the room. Each class, accompanied by their teacher. Then, each group, one by one, rose to perform their song. Those in the front row - center stage - held up large letters, one by one, to spell out the title of the song.

As the class was to sing "C is for Christmas," a child would hold up the letter C. Then, "H is for Happy," and on and on, until each child holding up his portion had presented the complete message, "Christmas Love."
The performance was going smoothly, until suddenly, we noticed her; a small, quiet, girl in the front row holding the letter "M” upside down - totally unaware her letter "M" appeared as a "W".

A hush came over the audience and eyes began to widen.

For when the last letter was held high, the message read loud and clear:

"C H R I S T W A S L O V E"

And I believe He still is.


December 10, 2014 - Christmas Role
I was casting kids in our church for our annual Christmas play, and I was giving out choices, such as Shepherd, Lamb, Villager.

One 5-year-old couldn't decide, so I said, "Luke, you can be a Villager."

He said, "OK," and ran over to his parents. Very excited, he said to them:

"Guess what! I get to be a mini-van!"


December 9, 2014 - Teaching Children About Christmas
The Season of Advent was beginning, and I wanted to inform the children that, according the Bible, Jesus is coming twice, once as the baby in the manger, and then as King.

So I asked the children, "How did Jesus come the first time?"
One child answered, "Down the chimney."


December 8, 2014 - Celebrating The Birth
Two women who were having lunch in an elegant hotel were approached by a mutual friend who asked the occasion for the meal.

One lady replied, "We are celebrating the birth of my baby boy."

"But where is he?" inquired the friend.

"Oh," said the mother, "you didn't think I'd bring him, did you?"

What a picture of the way the world treats Jesus at Christmas.


December 5, 2014 - Home For Christmas
A woman was waiting in the check-out line at a shopping center.  Her arms were laden with a mop and broom and other cleaning supplies.

By her actions and deep sighs, it was obvious she was in an extreme hurry and was not happy about the slowness of the line.

When the cashier called for a price check on a box of soap, the woman remarked indignantly, "Well, I'll be lucky to get out of here and home before Christmas!"

"Don't worry, ma'am," replied the clerk.  "With that wind kicking up out there and that brand new broom you have there, you'll be home in no time.


December 4, 2014 - Broccoli Grace
A 4-year-old boy who was asked to give thanks before the family's Christmas Eve dinner. The family members bowed their heads in expectation.

He began his prayer, thanking God for all his friends (naming them one by one). Then he thanked God for Mommy, Daddy, brother, sis, Grandma, Grandpa, and all his aunts and uncles.

Then he began to thank God for the food.

He gave thanks for the turkey, the dressing, the fruit salad, the cranberry sauce, the potatoes, the rolls, the butter, the drinks.
Then it was on to the desserts, the pies, the cakes, even the Cool Whip.

Then he paused, and everyone waited--and waited--and waited.

Finally his mother told him to go on and thank God for the broccoli (the only item he hadn't mentioned yet).

After a bit longer silence, the young fellow looked up at his mom and said, "I can't! But I know I should, so I don't know what to do!"

"What do you mean, dear?" asked his mother.

"Since it's Jesus' birthday, I bet he's listening closer than usual," said the boy. "So if I thank God for the broccoli, he'll know that I'm lying, won't he?"


December 3, 2014 - Christmas Love
The students were led into the room. Each class, accompanied by their teacher. Then, each group, one by one, rose to perform their song. Those in the front row - center stage - held up large letters, one by one, to spell out the title of the song.

As the class was to sing "C is for Christmas," a child would hold up the letter C. Then, "H is for Happy," and on and on, until each child holding up his portion had presented the complete message, "Christmas Love."
The performance was going smoothly, until suddenly, we noticed her; a small, quiet, girl in the front row holding the letter "M” upside down - totally unaware her letter "M" appeared as a "W".

A hush came over the audience and eyes began to widen.

For when the last letter was held high, the message read loud and clear:

"C H R I S T W A S L O V E"

And I believe He still is.


December 2, 2014 - Who Started Christmas?
A woman was out Christmas shopping with her two children. After many hours of looking at row after row of toys and everything else imaginable, and after hours of hearing both her children asking for everything they saw on those many shelves, she finally made it to the elevator with her two kids.

She was feeling what so many of us feel during the holiday season time of the year---overwhelming pressure to go to every party, every housewarming, taste all the holiday food and treats, get that perfect gift for every single person on our shopping list, make sure we don't forget anyone on our card list, and the pressure of making sure we respond to everyone who sent us a card.

Finally the elevator doors opened and there was already a crowd in the car. She pushed her way into the car and dragged her two kids in with her and all the bags of stuff.
When the doors closed she couldn't take it anymore and stated, “Whoever started this whole Christmas thing should be found, strung up, and shot.”

From the back of the car everyone heard a quiet, calm voice respond, “Don't worry. We already crucified him."


December 1, 2014 - New Bank Teller
First man: "I hear the First National Bank is looking for a new teller."

Second man: "I thought they just hired a new teller last week."

First man: "Right. That's the one they're looking for."
"We're not sure where the disc came from," the FBI told him, "but we discovered that when you press it, it plays 'Jingle Bells.'"

November 2014


November 27, 2014 - Eating and Drinking

(a) The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

(b) On the other hand, the French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

(c) The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

(d) The Italians drink lots of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

(e) Conclusion: Eat and drink what you like.  It's speaking English that kills you.


November 26, 2014 - Walking Out


"I hope you didn't take it personally, Pastor," an embarrassed woman said after a church service,
"when my husband walked out during your sermon."

"I did find it rather disconcerting," the preacher replied.

"It's not a reflection on you, sir," insisted the churchgoer.

"Ralph has been walking in his sleep ever since he was a child."


November 26, 2014 - Switch Tower Pete

A guy named Pete gets a job as a switchman with the railroad, and undergoes weeks of training.  The supervisor then takes him into the switch tower to test his readiness.  The following exchange takes place:

Supervisor: "Imagine you were sitting here alone and you learned there was a train coming from the North on that track, and another coming from the South on the same track.  What would you do?"

Pete: "I'd throw this switch right here and put one train on the other track."

Supervisor: And what if that switch didn't work?"

Pete: "I'd go down to the track and throw that big switchlever there, putting one train on the other track."

Supervisor: "And what if that switchlever didn't work?"

Pete: "Then I'd come back here and call the dispatcher to stop both trains."

Supervisor: "And what if the phone didn't work?"

Pete: "Then I'd go to that gas station across the street and use their phone."

Supervisor: "And what if their phone didn't work?"

Pete: "Then I'd go get Uncle Joe."

Supervisor: "Uncle Joe???  What would he do?"

Pete: "Nothing, but he ain't never seen a train wreck."


November 25, 2014 - Lots of Kids

I have five siblings, three sisters and two brothers.

One night I was chatting with my Mom about how she had changed as a mother from the first child to the last.

She told me she had mellowed a lot over the years:

"When your oldest sister coughed or sneezed, I called the ambulance.

When your youngest brother swallowed a dime, I just told him it was coming out of his allowance."


November 24, 2014 - Reverent Behavior

At a local church, the members take pride in the reverent behavior of the children during the sermons.

Asked how they engendered this profound respect for the Almighty, one elder explained to me:

"In each batch of new Sunday schoolers, I casually mention that we had to fire the artist who made the stained glass roof panels. I say he got fired for putting bad words in some of the artwork. Now, when energetic little boys get bored, they spend their time staring straight up!"


November 21, 2014 - Mother of the Bride

Jennifer's big formal wedding was fast approaching and she was delighted to hear that her Mom, Sheilah, emerging from a nasty divorce, had finally found the perfect mother-of-the-bride dress.

Two days later, she was shocked to learn that her new young stepmother, Fawn, had purchased the same dress.

She asked her stepmother to buy another dress since her Mom had already altered her purchase.  Fawn refused.

After two more weeks of frustrated shopping, Sheila found a dress that was not as nice as the first, but would serve.

When asked by a friend what she would do with her original dress, she grinned and replied, "I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner!"


November 20, 2014 - Joey Sets The Table
A certain man had invited the pastor and his wife for dinner, and it was little Joey's job to set the table.

But when it came time to eat, Joey's mother said with surprise, "Why didn't you give Mrs. Brown a knife and fork dear?"

"I didn't think I needed to," as everyone listened as Joey explained, "I heard Daddy say she always eats like a horse."


November 19, 2014 - The Bible

A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, "I know what the Bible means!"

His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible means?"

The son replied, "I do know!"

"Okay, said his father. "So,son, what does the Bible mean?"

"That's easy, Daddy. It stands for 'Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.'


November 18, 2014 - Tim Robbed

One night, Tim was walking home when, all of a sudden, a thief jumped on him.
Tim and the thief were began to wrestle. They rolled about on the ground and Tim put up a tremendous fight. However, the thief managed to get the better of him and pinned Tim to the ground.
When the thief went through Tim's pockets all he could find on Tim was 25 cents. He was so surprised at this he asked why Tim had bothered to fight so hard for 25 cents.
"Was that all you wanted?" Tim replied, "I thought you were after the five hundred dollars I've got in my shoe!"


November 17, 2014 - Sense of Humor

A forestry-service employee was recording the rainfall in his area. One drizzly day, his thoughts were apparently elsewhere as he typed "thirty three inches" instead of "thirty-three hundredths of an inch" into the computer.
It was obvious that the machine had been programmed by someone with a sense of humor, for this message quickly appeared on the screen "Build the ark. Gather the animals two by two..."


November 14, 2014 - African Marriage

Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?

Dad: That happens in every country, son.


November 13, 2014 - Sneaking Into the Olympics

Three guys were trying to sneak into the Olympic Village in Atlanta to scoop souvenirs and autographs. The first said, "Let's watch the registration table to see if there's a crack in the security system that we can utilize to scam our way in."

Immediately, a burly athlete walked up to the table and stated, "Angus MacLeod. Scotland. Shot-put." He opened his gym bag to display a shot-put to the registration attendant.

The attendant said, "Very good, Mr. MacPherson. Here is your packet of registration materials, complete with hotel keys, passes to all Olympic events, meal tickets, and other information."

HOT DOG! The first guy grabbed a small tree sapling, stripped off the limbs and roots, walked up the registration table and stated, "Chuck Wagon. Canada. Javelin."

The attendant said, "Very good, Mr. Wagon. Here is you packet of registration materials, hotel keys, passes, meal tickets, and so forth. Good luck!"

The second guy grabbed a street utility manhole cover, walked up the registration table and stated, "Dusty Rhodes. Australia. Discus."

The attendant said, "Terrific, Mr. Rhodes. Here is you packet of registration materials, hotel keys, a full set of passes, and meal tickets. Enjoy yourself."

They scampered in, but suddenly realized the third guy was missing. They groaned, "OH NO." He's a goober. They forgot to make sure he didn't do something stupid and blow their cover stories.

They then spotted him walking with a roll of barbed wire under his arm. He walked up to the registration table and stated, "Foster Bean. Hardwick, Vermont. Fencing."


November 12, 2014 - Integrity in Business

An optometrist was instructing a new employee on how to charge a customer.

"As you are fitting his glasses, if he asks how much they cost, you say '$75.'

If his eyes don't flutter, say, 'For the frames. The lenses will be $50.'

If his eyes still don't flutter, you add 'Each.'"


November 11, 2014 - Memory Clinic

Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, "Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?"

"Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techniques: visualization, association, etc. It was great."

"That's great! And what was the name of the clinic?"

Fred went blank. He thought and thought, but couldn't remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?"

"You mean a rose?"

"Yes, that's it!"

Fred turned to his wife.

"Rose, what was the name of that memory clinic?"


November 10, 2014 - As They Get Old . . .

Old photographers never die, they just stop developing.
Old pilots never die, they just go to a higher plain.
Old policemen never die, they just cop out.
Old preachers never die, they just ramble on, and on, and on, and on....
Old printers never die, they're just not the type.
Old programmers never die, they just branch to a new address.
Old programming wizards never die, they just recurse.
Old quarterbacks never die, they just pass away.
Old schools never die, they just lose their principals.
Old sculptors never die, they just lose their marbles.
Old seers never die, they just lose their vision.
Old sewage workers never die, they just waste away.
Old skateboarders never die, they just lose their bearings.
Old sailors never die, they just get a little dingy.
Old Soldiers never die. Young ones do.
Old steelmakers never die, they just lose their temper.
Old students never die, they just get degraded.
Old tanners never die, they just go into hiding.
Old typists never die, they just lose their justification.
Walt Disney didn't die. He's in suspended animation.
Old white water rafters never die, they just get disgorged.
Old wrestlers never die, they just lose their grip.


November 7, 2014 - Communication

A bricklayer at my husband's construction job routinely complained about the contents of his lunch box. "I'm sick and tired of getting the same old thing!" he shouted one day. "Tonight I'll set my wife straight."

The next day the men could hardly wait until lunchtime to hear what happened. "You bet I told her off," the bricklayer boasted. "I said, 'No more of the same old stuff. Be creative!' We had one heck of a fight, but I got my point across.

He had indeed. In front of an admiring audience, he opened his lunch box to find that his wife had packed a coconut - and a hammer.


November 6, 2014 - Paying The Bills

A mangy looking guy who goes into a restaurant and orders food.  The waiter says, "No way.  I don't think you can pay for it."

The guy says, "You're right.  I don't have any money, but if I show you something you haven't seen before, will you give me the food?"

"Deal!" replies the waiter.

The guy reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster.  He puts the hamster on the counter and it runs to the end, across the room, up the piano, jumps on the keyboard, and starts playing Gershwin songs.  And the hamster is really good.

The waiter says, "You're right.  I've never seen anything like that before.  That hamster is truly good on the piano."   The guy downs the hamburger he ordered and asks the waiter for another.

"Money or another miracle," says the waiter.

The guy reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog.  He puts the frog on the counter, and the frog starts to sing.  He has a marvelous voice and great pitch.  A fine singer.  A stranger from the other end of the counter runs over to the guy and offers him $300 for the frog.

The guy says, "It's a deal." He takes the three hundred and gives the stranger the frog.  The stranger runs out of the restaurant.

The waiter says to the guy, "Are you crazy?  You sold a singing frog for $300?  It must have been worth millions."

"Not so," says the guy, "the hamster is also a ventriloquist."


November 5, 2014 - Cat T-Shirts

If cats wore t-shirts, here is what they might say.

"Purrfection cannot be improved"

"If you don't like my attitude, you should see my cat"

"Menopaws, This is the hottest I've been in years."

"Take my advice. I'm not using it."

"I'd like to help you out. Which way did you come in?"

"Cats know how we feel. They don't care, but they know."

"Dogs have owners. Cats have staff."

"Thousands of years ago, cats were worshiped as gods. They have never forgotten this."


November 4, 2014 - Formula Cheat

During an examination, the student was not able to answer the question so he copied the answer from another good student, The answer to the problem was 'log(1+x)'.

He didn't want to make it obvious that he was cheating, so he changed the answer to 'timber(1+x)'.


November 3, 2014 - Name Calling

Last year I entered the New York City Marathon. The race started and immediately I was the last of the runners. It was embarrassing.

The guy who was in front of me, second to last, was making fun of me. He said, "Hey buddy, how does it feel to be last?"

I replied: "You really want to know?"

Then I dropped out of the race.

October 2014


October 31, 2014 - As They Get Old Pun - Part 1
As They Get Old . . .
Old accountants never die, they just lose their balance.
Old actors never die, they just drop apart.
Old archers never die, they just bow and quiver.
Old architects never die, they just lose their structures.
Old bankers never die, they just lose interest.
Old basketball players never die, they just go on dribbling.
Old beekeepers never die, they just buzz off.
Old bookkeepers never die, they just lose their figures.
Old bosses never die, much as you want them to.
Old cashiers never die, they just check out.
Old chauffeurs never die, they just lose their drive.
Old chemists never die, they just fail to react.
Old cleaning people never die, they just kick the bucket.
Old cooks never die, they just get deranged.
Old daredevils never die, they just get discouraged.
Old deans never die, they just lose their faculties.
Old doctors never die, they just lose their patience.
Old electricians never die, they just lose contact.
Old farmers never die, they just go to seed.
Old garagemen never die, they just retire.


October 30, 2014 - As They Get Old Pun - Part 2
As They Get Old . . .
Old hackers never die, they just go to bits.
Old hardware engineers never die, they just cache in their chips.
Old hippies never die, they just smell that way.
Old horticulturists never die, they just go to pot.
Old hypochondriacs never die, they just lose their grippe.
Old investors never die, they just roll over.
Old journalists never die, they just get de-pressed.
Old knights in chain mail never die, they just shuffle off their metal coils.
Old laser physicists never die, they just become incoherent.
Old lawyers never die, they just lose their appeal.
Old limbo dancers never die, they just go under.
Old mathematicians never die, they just disintegrate.
Old milkmaids never die, they just lose their whey.
Old ministers never die, they just get put out to pastor...
Old musicians never die, they just get played out.
Old number theorists never die, they just get past their prime.
Old numerical analysts never die, they just get disarrayed.
Old owls never die, they just don't give a hoot.
Old pacifists never die, they just go to peaces.
Old professors never die, they just lose their class.


October 29, 2014 - War
As the regiment moved out, the crowd cheered. One soldier asked another, "Who are all those cheering people?"

The veteran answered, "They're the ones who aren't going."


October 28, 2014 - Dig, Dig, Dig
A husband and wife constantly bickered and fought, often yelling deep into the night. Most fights ended with the husband shouting, "When I die, I will dig my way up, out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"

Everybody in the neighborhood who heard this threat feared and avoided him for his temper - a fact he enjoyed right up to the day he dropped dead of a heart attack in the middle of one of his tirades. 

After his funeral and burial, his widow threw a huge party for the neighborhood to celebrate their shared freedom. The neighbors, however, were concerned for her safety and asked, "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way out of the grave and haunt you for the rest of your life?"

The wife smiled and said, "Let him dig.  I had him buried upside down.  And I know he won't ask for directions."


October 27, 2014 - Foreign Pizza
An American businessman goes to Japan on a business trip, but he hates Japanese food, so he asks the concierge at his hotel if there's any place around where he can get American food.

The concierge tells him he's in luck, there's a pizza place that just opened, and they deliver. The concierge gives the businessman the phone number, and he goes back to his room and orders a pizza.

Thirty minutes later, the delivery guy shows up to the door with the pizza.

The businessman takes the pizza, and starts sneezing uncontrollably. He asks the delivery man, "What on earth did you put on this pizza?"

The delivery man bows deeply and says, "We put on the pizza what you ordered, pepper only."


October 24, 2014 - Ballet Audition
There was once a beautiful fairy who yearned to be a ballet dancer. When she heard that the Royal Ballet was holding auditions in a nearby town, she harnessed 100 white pigeons to her chariot and flew to the theater.

The director took one look at the fairy's spectacular entrance and told her to go away. "But why?" she wailed.

"Because we've got enough pigeon-towed dancers in the company already.


October 23, 2014 - Motivation
The head of a small industrial company posted DO IT NOW signs all around his office and plant in hopes of getting better results from his workers.

Some weeks later, when asked why he was removing the slogans, he said, "It worked too well: the bookkeeper skipped with $20,000; the chief clerk eloped with the best secretary I've ever had; three salesmen asked for raises; and the workers in the factory joined the union and are out on strike."


October 22, 2014 - Congress Crash
A plane full of congressmen on a political fact-finding tour crashed in the middle of rural America.  Panic stricken, the FBI mobilized and descended on the farm in force. 

When they got there, all they found was a burned hulk, smoldering in a tree line that bordered a farm.  The agents descended upon the smoking hulk but could find no remains of the crew or passengers.  To their amazement, a lone farmer was plowing a field not too far away as if nothing at all had happened.  They hurried over to surround the man's tractor.

"Sir," the senior FBI agent asked, panting and out of breath.  "Did you see this terrible accident happen?"

"Yep.  Sure did." The farmer muttered unconcernedly.

"Did you realize that plane was full of congressmen?"

"Yep."

"Weren't there any survivors?" the agent gasped.

"Nope.  They's all kilt straight out." The farmer sighed, cutting off his tractor motor.  "I done buried them all myself.  Took most of the morning too."

"All of the Senators were dead?" The agent gulped in disbelief.

"Well," the farmer sighed, obviously wanting to get back to his work. 

"A few of 'em kept a-saying they wasn't ...  but you know what liars all them career politicians is."


October 20, 2014 - Fourth Grade Logic
A fourth-grade teacher was giving her pupils a lesson in logic.

"Here is the situation," she said. "A man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing. He loses his balance, falls in, and begins splashing and yelling for help. His wife hears the commotion, knows he can't swim, and runs down to the bank. Why do you think she ran to the bank?"

A girl raised her hand and asked,

"To draw out all his savings?"


October 17, 2014 - Carpet Complaints
My mother is always complaining about how dirty the carpet in my room is.
I can't help it - it's my nature to abhor a vacuum.


October 16, 2014 - Peacefulness, Pacifism
A burglar entered the house of a Quaker and proceeded to rob it. The Quaker heard the noise and took his shotgun downstairs.

Upon finding the burglar he aimed his gun and said gently,"Friend, I mean thee no harm, but thou standest where I am about to shoot."


October 15, 2014 - Christian Football
Quarterback Sneak - Church members quietly leaving during the invitation.

Draw Play - What many children do with the bulletin during worship.

Half-time - The period between Sunday School and worship when many choose to leave.

Benchwarmer - Those who do not sing, pray, work, or apparently do anything but sit.

Backfield-in-Motion - Making a trip to the back (restroom or water fountain) during the service.

Staying in the Pocket - What happens to a lot of money that should be given to the Lord's work.

Two-minute Warning - The point at which you realize the sermon is almost over and begin to gather up your children and belongings.

Instant Replay - The preacher loses his notes and falls back on last week's illustrations.

Sudden Death - What happens to the attention span of the congregation if the preacher goes "overtime."

Trap - You're called on to pray and are asleep.

End Run - Getting out of church quick, without speaking to any guest or fellow member.

Flex Defense - The ability to allow absolutely nothing said during the sermon to affect your life.

Halfback Option - The decision of 50% of the congregation not to return for the evening service.

Blitz - The rush for the restaurants following the closing prayer.

From the Dog:
Curiosity Killed the Cat: that's the dog's story, and he's sticking to it!


October 14, 2014 - Why Dogs are Better Than Kids
45 minutes to get a dog ready to go outside in the winter?  -- NOT!

Dogs cannot lie.

Dogs never resist nap time.

You don't need to get extra phone lines for a dog.

Dogs don't pester you about getting a kid.

Dogs don't care if the peas have been touched by the potatoes.

Average cost of sending a dog to school: $42...

Average cost of sending a kid: $103,000...

Dogs are housebroken by the time they are 12 weeks old.

Your dog isn't embarrassed if you sing in public.


October 13, 2014 - Internet Cleaning
As many of you know, each year the Internet must be shut down for 24 hours in order to allow us to clean it. The cleaning process, which eliminates dead email and inactive ftp, www and gopher sites, allows for a better working and faster Internet.

This year, the cleaning process will take place from 12:01 a.m.. GMT on April 1st until 12:01 a.m., GMT on April 2nd During that 24-hour period, five powerful Internet search engines situated around the world will search the Internet and delete any data that they find.

In order to protect your valuable data from deletion we ask that you do the following:

1. Disconnect all terminals and local area networks from their Internet connections.

2. Shut down all Internet servers, or disconnect them from the Internet.

3. Disconnect all disks and hard drives from any connections to the Internet.

4. Refrain from connecting any computer to the Internet in any way.

We understand the inconvenience that this may cause some Internet users, and we apologize. However, we are certain that any inconveniences will be more than made up for by the increased speed and efficiency of the Internet, once it has been cleared of electronic flotsam and jetsam.

We thank you for your cooperation.

Interconnected Network Maintenance staff, Main branch, Massachusetts Institute of Technology

*****************
Please notify your friends relatives and business associates on this event so they too will be prepared.


October 10, 2014 - Memory
Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.


October 9, 2014 -Sick Days
It was the toughest experience of my life.

First, I got angina pectoris and then arteriosclerosis. Just as I was recovering from these, I got tuberculosis, double pneumonia and phthisis. Appendicitis was followed by tonsillectomy.

These gave way to aphasia and hypertrophic cirrhosis. I completely lost my memory for a while. I know I had diabetes and acute ingestion, besides gastritis, rheumatism, lumbago and neuritis.

Realizing that perhaps I might do better with another doctor, I made an appointment at new medical office. The receptionist had me fill out forms that included my medical history.

I don't know how I pulled through it. It was the hardest spelling test I've ever had.
 


October 8, 2014 - Judging Others

Heavenly Father, Help us remember that the jerk who cut us off in traffic last night is a single mother who worked nine hours that day and is rushing home to cook dinner, help with homework, do the laundry and spend a few precious moments with her children.


October 7, 2014 - Terror Cells in Church
Latest news reports are that five terrorist cell groups have been operating in many of our churches. They have been identified as: Bin Sleepin, Bin Arguin, Bin Fightin, Bin Complainin, and Bin Missin. Their leader, Lucifer Bin Workin, trained these groups to destroy the Body of Christ. The plan is to come into the church disguised as Christians and to work within the church to discourage, disrupt, and destroy.

However, there have been reports of a sixth group. A tiny cell known by the name Bin Prayin is actually the only effective counter terrorism force in the church. Unlike other terrorist cells, the Bin Prayin team does not blend in with whoever and whatever comes along. Bin Prayin does whatever is needed to uplift and encourage the Body of Christ. We have noticed that the Bin Prayin cell group has different characteristics than the others. They have Bin Watchin, Bin Waitin, Bin Fastin, and Bin Longin for their Master, Jesus Christ, to return.

NO CHURCH IS EXEMPT!
(However, you can spot them if you bin lookin and bin goin.)

Help us to remember that the pierced, tattooed, disinterested young man who can't make change correctly is a worried 19-year-old college student, balancing his apprehension over final exams with his fear of not getting his student loans for next semester.

Remind us, Lord, that the scary looking bum, begging for money in the same spot every day (who really ought to get a job!) is a slave to addictions that we can only imagine in our worst nightmares.

Help us to remember that the old couple walking annoyingly slow through the store aisles and blocking our shopping progress are savoring this moment, knowing that, based on the biopsy report she got back last week, this will be the last year that they go shopping together.

Heavenly Father, remind us each day that, of all the gifts you give us, the greatest gift is love. It is not enough to share that love with those we hold dear. Open our hearts not to just those who are close to us, but to all humanity.

Let us be slow to judge and quick to forgive, show patience, empathy and love.



October 6, 2014 - Senate Comeback
A member of the Senate, known for his hot temper and acid tongue, exploded one day in mid-session and began to shout,
"Half of this Senate is made up of cowards and corrupt politicians!"

All the other Senators pleaded to the angry member that he withdraw his statement or be removed from the remainder of the session.

After a long pause, the angry member accepted.

"Ok" he said, "I withdraw what I said.

Half of this Senate is NOT made up of cowards and corrupt politicians!"


October 4, 2014 - Playing Through
A man was about to tee off on the golf course when he felt a tap on his shoulder and a man handed him a card that read, "I am a deaf mute.  May I play through, please?"

The first man angrily gave the card back, and made it clear that, no, he may NOT play through, and that his handicap did not give him such a right. 

The first man whacked the ball onto the green & left to finish the hole.

Just as he was about to put his ball into the hole he was hit in the head with a golf ball, laying him out cold. 

When he came to, a few minutes later, he looked around and saw the deaf mute sternly looking at him, one hand on his hip, the other holding up 4 fingers.


October 3, 2014 - Weather Forecaster
To tell the weather, go to your back door and look for the dog.

If the dog is at the door and he is wet, it's probably raining.

But if the dog is standing there really soaking wet, it is probably raining really hard.

If the dog's fur looks like it's been rubbed the wrong way, it's probably windy.

If the dog has snow on his back, it's probably snowing.

Of course, to be able to tell the weather like this, you have to leave the dog outside all the time, especially if you expect bad weather.

Sincerely, The CAT


October 2, 2014 - Office Meetings
We will continue having meetings, everyday, until I find out why no work is getting done.


October 1, 2014 - Behavior Modification Reinforcers
The HMO account manager noticed that nearly every bill from a certain pediatrician’s office included the line item “Behavior modification reinforcers.”

Alarmed that the pediatrician was engaging in some unapproved, experimental psychological treatment, she called the physician’s office to inquire, “What on earth are behavior modification reinforcers?”

“Lollipops,” was the reply.

September 2014


Sept. 30, 2014 - Parent Education
On a flight to Florida, Mary was preparing notes for one of the parent education seminars she conducted.

The elderly woman sitting next to Mary explained that she was returning to Miami after having spent two weeks visiting her 6 children, 18 grandchildren and 10 great-grandchildren in Boston. Then she inquired what Mary did for a living.

Mary told her that she was an educational psychologist, fully expecting the elderly woman to question her for free professional advice.

Instead the elderly woman sat back and said, "If there's anything you want to know, just ask me."


Sept. 29, 2014 - Penny Problems
After tucking their three-year-old child Sammy in for bed one night, his parents heard sobbing coming from his room.

Rushing back in, they found him crying hysterically. He managed to tell them that he had swallowed a penny and he was sure he was going to die. No amount of talking was helping.

His father, in an attempt to calm him down, palmed a penny from his pocket and pretended to pull it from Sammy's ear. Sammy was delighted.

In a flash, he snatched it from his father's hand, swallowed, and then cheerfully demanded, "Do it again, Dad!"


Sept. 26, 2014 - The Hokey Pokey

With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week.

Larry LaPrise, the man that wrote "The Hokie Pokey" died peacefully at the age of 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin.

They put his left leg in. That's when the trouble started...


Sept. 25, 2014 - Strings Attached
Life is full of commitments: Even when you are born there is a string attached.


Sept. 24, 2014 - Johnny's Home

After the dedication service of his baby brother in church, little Johnny sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car.

His father asked him three times what was wrong.

Finally, the boy replied, "That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I wanted to stay with you guys."


Sept. 23, 2014 - Goal Update
No, I'm not going to give up trying to become The Invisible Man: Have I made myself clear?


Sept. 22, 2014 - The Law of the Garbage Truck
One day I hopped in a taxi and we took off for the airport. We were driving in the right lane when suddenly a black car jumped out of a parking space right in front of us.

My taxi driver slammed on his brakes, skidded, and missed the other car by just inches! The driver of the other car whipped his head around and started yelling at us. My taxi driver just smiled and waved at the guy. And I mean, he was really friendly.

So I asked, "Why did you just do that? That guy almost ruined your car and sent us to the hospital!"

This is when my taxi driver taught me what I now call, "The Law of the Garbage Truck."

He explained that many people are like garbage trucks. They run around full of garbage -- frustration, anger, disappointment. As their garbage piles up, they need a place to dump it and sometimes they'll dump it on you.

Don't take it personally. Just smile, wave, wish them well, and move on.
Don't take their garbage and spread it to other people at work, at home, or on the streets.

The bottom line is that successful people do not let garbage trucks take over their day. Love the people who treat you right. Pray for the ones who don't."


Sept. 19, 2014 - Check Your Bill

A corporate executive received a monthly bill from the law firm that was handling a big case for his company. It included hourly billing for conferences, research, phone calls, fax, photocopying, and everything but lunch hours.
Unhappy as he was, the executive knew that the company would have to pay for each of these services.

Then he noticed one item buried in the middle of the list:

"For crossing the street to talk to you, then discovering it wasn't you at all - $125."


Sept. 18, 2014 - Wedding Engagement
I realized that my five-year-old grandson had been watching too many reality TV shows the day we attended a relative's wedding.

As the four bridesmaids walked down the aisle toward the front of the church, he turned to me and asked,
"Is this where the groom decides which one he wants to marry?"


Sept. 17, 2014 - Amish At The Mall
An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall for the first time.  They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, "What is this, Father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button.  The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room.

The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially.  They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, 24-year-old blonde woman stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, "Go get your mother."


Sept. 16, 2014 - What's Your Religion?
I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. I immediately ran over and said "Stop! Don't do it!"
"Why shouldn't I?" he said.
I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!"
"Like what?"
"Well ... are you religious or atheist?"
"Religious."
"Me too! Are you Christian or Jewish?"
"Christian."
"Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?"
"Protestant."
"Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?"
"Baptist."
"Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?"
"Baptist Church of God."
"Me too! Are you Original Baptist Church of God, or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?"
"Reformed Baptist Church of God."
"Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915?"
"Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915!"
To which I said, "Die, heretic scum!" and pushed him off.


Sept. 15, 2014 - Bad Day at Work
This is even funnier when you realize it's real!

Next time you have a bad day at work, think of this guy. Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana. He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an e-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to radio station 103.2-FM in Ft. Wayne, Indiana, which was sponsoring a worst job experience contest. Needless to say, she won.

Hi Sue, just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all. Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job.

As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wet suit. This time of year the water is quite cool, so what we do to keep warm is this: we have a diesel-powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose.

Now this sounds like a pretty good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wet suit. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi.

Everything was going well, until all of a sudden, my rear end started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse.

Within a few seconds, it started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony, I realized what had happened.

The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into myself.

I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear because he and five other divers were all laughing hysterically. Needless to say, I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops, totaling thirty-five minutes, before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression.

When I arrived at the surface and climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it onto the affected area as soon as I got into the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but it took two days before I could sit down again.

So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved down your pants. Now repeat to yourself, "I love my job, I love my job, I love my job."

Now, whenever you have a bad day, ask yourself: Is this a jellyfish bad day?


September 12, 2014 - Bachelor's Cat
A bachelor kept a cat for companionship, and loved his cat more than life itself.

He was planning a trip to England and entrusted the cat to his brother's care. As soon as he arrived in England he called his brother.

"How is my cat?" he asked. "Your cat is dead," came the reply.

"Oh my," he exclaimed. "Did you have to tell me that way?"

"How else can I tell you your cat's dead?" inquired the brother.

"You should have led me up to it gradually," said the bachelor. "For an example, when I called tonight you could have told me my cat was on the roof, but the Fire Department is getting it down. When I called tomorrow night, you could have told me that they dropped him and broke his back, but a fine surgeon is doing all he can for him. Then, when I called the third night, you could have told me the surgeon did all he could but my cat passed away. That way it wouldn't have been such a shock."

"By the way," he continued, "how's Mother?"

"Mother?" came the reply. "Oh, she's up on the roof, but the Fire Department is getting her down."


September 11, 2014 - Troublemakers
After the revival had concluded, the three pastors were discussing the results with one another.

The Methodist minister said, "The revival worked out great for us! We gained 4 new families."

The Baptist preacher said, "We did better than that! We gained 6 new families."

The Presbyterian pastor said, "Well, we did even better than that! We got rid of our 10 biggest trouble makers!


September 10, 2014 - Seriously Hurt?
A policeman arrives at the scene of an accident, in which a car smashed into a tree.

The officer rushes over to the vehicle and asks the driver,  "Are you seriously hurt?"  

"How do I know?" the driver responds. "I'm not a lawyer."


September 9, 2014 - How Many Dogs Does It Take To Change A Light Bulb?
Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned-out light bulb?

Border Collie: Just one. And I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.

Dachshund: I can't reach the stupid lamp!

Toy Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.

Rottweiler: Go Ahead! Make me!

Shi-tzu: Puh-leeze, dah-ling. Let the servants. . . .

Lab: Oh, me, me!!! Pleeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Can I?

Malamute: Let the Border collie do it.. You can feed me while he's busy.

Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.

Doberman Pinscher: While it's dark, I'm going to sleep on the couch.

Mastiff: Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark.

Hound Dog: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.

Pointer: I see it, there it is, right there...

Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?

Australian Shepherd: Put all the light bulbs in a little circle...

Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? Light bulb? That thing I just ate was a light bulb?


September 8, 2014 - General Store
"I went to a general store, but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific."

 

September 6, 2014 - North Americans, Character, Hypocrisy
We yell for the Government to balance the budget, then take the last dime we have to make the down payment on a car that will take 5 years to pay off.

We demand speed laws that will stop fast driving, then won't buy a car if it can't go over 100 miles an hour.

We know the line-up of every baseball team in the American and National Leagues but mumble through half the words our national athems.

We'll spend half a day looking for vitamin pills to make us live longer, then drive 90 miles an hour on slick pavement to make up for lost time.

We tie up our dog while letting our sixteen year old son run wild.

We will work hard on a farm so we can move into town where we can make more money so we can move back to the farm.

We get upset we're spending over a billion dollars for education, but spend three billion dollars a year for cigarettes.

In the office we talk about baseball, shopping or fishing, but when we are out at the game, the mall or on the lake, we talk about business.

We're supposed to be the most civilized Christian place on earth, but we still can't deliver payrolls without an armored car.

We have more experts on marriage than any other country in the world and still have more divorces.

We have more food to eat than anywhere in the world and more diets to keep us from eating it.


September 5, 2014 - Passed Note
A nearsighted minister glanced at the note that Mrs. Jones had sent to him by an usher.

The note read: "Bill Jones having gone to sea, his wife desires the prayers of the congregation for his safety."

Failing to observe the punctuation, he startled his audience by announcing:

"Bill Jones, having gone to see his wife, desires the prayers of the congregation for his safety."


September 4, 2014 - Brown Paper

A sheriff walks into a saloon and shouts for everyone's attention. "Has anyone seen Brown Paper Jake?" he asks.

"What's he look like?" asks one shoddy-looking cowboy.

"Well", replies the Sheriff, "he wears a brown paper hat, a brown paper waistcoat, a brown paper shirt, brown paper boots, brown paper pants, and a brown paper jacket."

"So what's he wanted for?" asks the same cowboy.
"Rustlin'."


September 3, 2014 - Possessions, Wealth
Two elderly gentlemen met up on the way to the funeral of one of their longtime buddies.

The deceased was thought to have accumulated much wealth. On the way to the cemetery, one old fellow asked the other, "How much did he leave?"

The other old fellow replied, "All of it."


September 2, 2014 - Tiny Colonel

A guy walked into a tavern and sat down on a barstool.  He ordered a beer and a shot glass of whiskey.  The bartender was surprised to see him place the shot glass into the pocket of his overcoat.  The man proceeded to drink his beer, then reached into his coat pocket and removed the shot glass, empty.

He ordered another beer and shot glass of whiskey, and again placed the shot glass into his coat pocket.  Again he removed the glass empty, then ordered another round.

Overcome by curiosity, the bartender asked the man why he kept putting the shot glass into his pocket.

"Oh," he said, "that's for the Colonel?"

"The Colonel?  Who's the Colonel?"

The man reached into his pocket and removed a little man, about 12 inches high, dressed in the uniform of a British army colonel.  He placed the little man on the counter. 

"Is he real?" asked the bartender.

"Sure he's real.  Colonel, would you mind walking up and down the bar a little way?"

The little colonel marched briskly a few feet up the bar and turned around, then marched back to where the man sat.  "That's the most amazing thing I've ever seen!  Can he talk too?"

"Of course he can talk," said the man. 

"Colonel, why don't you tell him about the time that you were stationed in Africa and called that witch doctor a liar?

August 2014


August 29, 2014 - Mistakes
If an engineer makes a mistake,
It is a new venture!

If a scientist makes a mistake,
It is a new invention!

If an explorer makes a mistake,
It's a new discovery!

If a driver makes a mistake,
It is an accident!

If a politician makes a mistake
It is a new law!

If a professor makes a mistake,
It is a new theory!

If a hairstylist makes a mistake,
It's a new style!

If a tailor makes a mistake,
It is a new fashion!

If parents make a mistake,
It is a new generation!

If the boss makes a mistake,
It is our mistake!

If an employee makes a mistake,
Now, *that* is a "MISTAKE!"


August 28, 2014 - Country Puddle
A man traveling down a country road was forced to stop before a giant puddle covering the entire road. Looking to the side of the road, the man noticed a farmer leaning on a fence. "Think it's safe to cross?" the man asked.

"I reckon so," replied the farmer.

The car was immediately swallowed by the puddle as the man drove in. In fact, it was so deep that he had to roll his window down to swim out of his car back to the surface.

As his head broke the surface the man said to the farmer, "I thought you said I could safely drive through this puddle!"

"Well, golly!" said the farmer, scratching his head.

"It only come up chest-high on my ducks!"

Politically Correct Light Bulb

"How many politically-correct people does it take to screw in a light-bulb?"

"Look, I don't know, but that's not funny."


August 27, 2014 - Critical Thinker
My wife complains that I over-analyze everything but these graphs & charts show that I don't.


August 26, 2014 - Do Not Talk To My Parrot
Mrs. Lonefold's dishwasher quit working, so she called a repairman.

He couldn't accommodate her with an evening appointment, and, since she had to go to work the next day, she told him: "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you the check. By the way, don't worry about my Rottweiler. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do not under *any* circumstances talk to my parrot!"

When the repairman arrived at Mrs. Lonefold's apartment the next day, he discovered the biggest and meanest looking Rottweiler he had ever seen.

But, just like she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet, watching the repairman go about his business.

However, the whole time he was there, the parrot drove him nuts with incessant cursing, yelling, and name-calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled: "Shut up, you stupid ugly bird!!"

To which the parrot replied: "GET HIM, Brutus!!"


August 25, 2014 - Paid For
My wife and I, both graduate students, recently celebrated the arrival of our first child. At my wife's insistence, we had paid our entire medical bill and were now worried about meeting other payments.

We were discussing our sad financial situation one evening when our son demanded a diaper change. As my wife leaned over the baby's crib, I heard her mutter, "The only thing in the house that's paid for, and it leaks."


August 22, 2014 - Helicopter Ride
Buddy and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year, and every year Buddy would say, "Edna, I'd like to ride in that helicopter."

Edna always replied, "I know Buddy, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks."

One year Buddy and Edna went to the fair, and Buddy said, "Edna, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance."

To this, Edna replied, "Buddy, that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks."

The pilot overheard the couple and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word, I won't charge you a penny! But if you say one word it's fifty dollars."

Buddy and Edna agreed and up they went.

The pilot did all kinds of crazy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, trying to elicit even a peep, but still not a word!

When they landed, the pilot turned to Buddy and said, "By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I am impressed!"

Buddy replied, "Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Edna fell out, but you know, fifty bucks is fifty bucks!"


August 21, 2014 - Things Not To Say To On Date
* I really don't like this restaurant that much, but I wanted to use this 2-for-1 coupon before it expired.
* I refuse to get cable. That's how they keep tabs on you.
* I used to come here all the time with my ex.
* I never said you NEED a nose job. I just said it wouldn't hurt to consider it.
* Could you excuse me? My cat gets lonely if he doesn't hear my voice on the answering machine every hour.
* I really feel that I've grown in the past few years. Used to be I wouldn't have given someone like you a second look.
* And I won that trophy in the inter-fraternity leg hair contest.
* I know you said you don't eat anything with a face. But a good butcher will cut that part off for you if you ask.
* It's been tough, but I've come to accept that most people I date just won't be as smart as I am.


August 20, 2014 - Lost Cell Phone

When a customer left his cell phone in my store, I scrolled through his saved numbers, stopped at "Mom" and pushed send. His mother answered, and I told her what happened.

"Don't worry," she said, "I'll take care of it."

A few minutes later, the cell phone rang. It was "Mom."

"Martin," she said, "you left your cell phone at the convenience store."


August 19, 2014 - A Man With Few Words
Once upon a time there was a prince who, through no fault of his own, was cast under a spell by an evil witch. The curse was that the prince could speak only one word each year.

However, he could save up the words so that if he did not speak for a whole year, the following year he was allowed to speak two words.

One day he met a beautiful princess (ruby lips, golden hair, sapphire eyes) and fell madly in love. With the greatest difficulty he decided to refrain from speaking for two whole years so that he could look at her and say, "My darling."

But at the end of the two years he wished to tell her that he loved her. Because of this he waited three more years without speaking (bringing the total number of silent years to five).

But at the end of these five years he realized that he had to ask her to marry him. So he waited ANOTHER four years without speaking.

Finally as the ninth year of silence ended, his joy knew no bounds. Leading the lovely princess to the most secluded and romantic place in that beautiful royal garden the prince heaped a hundred red roses on her lap, knelt before her, and taking her hand in his, said huskily, "My darling, I love you! Will you marry me?"

The princess tucked a strand of golden hair behind a dainty ear, opened her sapphire eyes in wonder, and parting her ruby lips, said: "Pardon?"


August 18, 2014 - Crime Stories

IN THE BAG
A "tourist," supposedly on a golf holiday, stood in line at the customs counter. While making idle chatter, the customs official thought it odd that the golfer didn't know what a handicap was. The officer then asked the tourist to demonstrate his swing. He did - backwards. A substantial amount of narcotics were found in the golf bag.

MADE FOR TV
Guns For Hire, an Arizona company specializing in staged gunfights for Western movies, got a call from a 47-year-old woman who wanted to have her husband shot. She was sentenced to four years in jail.

DO YOU ACCEPT CREDIT CARDS?
A Texan convicted of robbery worked out a deal to pay $9600 in damages rather than serve a two-year prison sentence. For payment, he provided the court a forged check. He got his prison term back, plus eight more years.

DEADHEADS
A man in Orange County Municipal Court had been ticketed for driving alone in the carpool lane. He claimed that the four frozen cadavers in the mortuary van he was driving should be counted. The judged ruled that passengers must be alive to qualify.

THIS WOULD BE ME
The judge called the case of People vs. Steven Lewon Crook. The bailiff opened the door to the holding cell and called, "Crook, come forward."  Five of the prisoners entered the courtroom.

LEARN YOUR LESSON
When asked for her occupation, a woman charged with a traffic violation said she was a schoolteacher. The judge rose from the bench. "Madam, I have waited years for a schoolteacher to appear before this court," he smiled with delight. "Now sit down at that table and write 'I will not pass through a red light' five hundred times."

AHH, THAT'S BETTER!
A judge in Louisville decided a jury went "a little bit too far" in recommending a sentence of 5,005 years for a man who was convicted of five robberies and a kidnapping. The judge reduced the sentence to 1,001 years.


August 15, 2014 - Coyote Solution
Environmentalists and the U.S. Forest Service were presenting an alternative to Wyoming ranchers for controlling the coyote population.

It seems that after years of the ranchers using the tried and true method of shooting or trapping the predators, the environmentalists had a "more humane" solution to this issue. What they were proposing was for the animals to be captured alive. The males would then be castrated and let loose again.

All of the ranchers thought about this amazing idea for a couple of minutes. Finally an old fellow wearing a big cowboy hat in the back of the conference room stood up, tipped his hat back and said; "Son, I don't think you understand our problem here... these coyotes ain't mating with our sheep... they're eatin' 'em!"

The meeting never really got back to order.


August 14, 2014 -You've Been in Corporate America Too Long When...

1. You ask the waiter what the restaurant's core competencies are.

2. You decide to re-organize your family into a "team-based organization."

3. You refer to dating as test marketing.

4. You can spell "paradigm."

5. You actually know what a paradigm is.

6. You understand your airline's fare structure.

7. You write executive summaries on your love letters.

8. Your Valentine's Day cards have bullet points.

9. You think that it's actually efficient to write a ten-page presentation with six other people you don't know.

10. You celebrate your wedding anniversary by conducting a performance review.

11. You believe you never have any problems in your life, just "issues" and "improvement opportunities."

12. You calculate your own personal cost of capital.

13. You explain to your bank manager that you prefer to think of yourself as "highly leveraged" as opposed to "in debt."

14. You end every argument by saying "let's talk about this off-line."

15. You can explain to somebody the difference between "re-engineering," "down-sizing," "right-sizing," and "firing people."

16. You talk to the waiter about process flow when dinner arrives late.

17. You refer to your spouse as "my Co-CEO."

18. You start to feel sorry for Dilbert's boss.

19. You believe the best tables and graphs take an hour to comprehend.

20. You account for your tuition as a capital expenditure instead of an expense.

21. You insist that you do some more market research before you and your spouse produce another child.

22. You use the term "value-added" without falling down laughing.


August 13, 2014 -Cooking Deadline
I'll have to find a new way to strain noodles if this is the last year I can use my Mayan Colander.


August 12, 2014 -Hebrews 12:1, Perseveranc
e
An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy.

He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull!" Buddy didn't move.

Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy didn't respond.

Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Coco, pull!" Nothing.

Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.

The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.

The farmer said, "Oh, Buddy is blind, and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try!"

"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us."


August 11, 2014 - Sympathy and Compassion
While I sat in the reception area of my doctor's office, a woman rolled an elderly man in a wheelchair into the room.

As she went to the receptionist's desk, the man sat there, alone and silent.

Just as I was thinking I should make small talk with him, a little boy slipped off his mother's lap and walked over to the wheelchair.

Placing his hand on the man's, he said, "I know how you feel. My mom makes me ride in the stroller, too."


August 8, 2014 - Hospital Request
When my wife had to rush to the hospital unexpectedly, she asked me to bring her a few items from home. One item on her list was "comfortable underwear."

Not sure what she considers comfortable, I asked, "How will I know which ones to pick?"

"Hold them up and imagine them on me," she answered. "If you smile, put them back."


August 7, 2014 - Do Not Disturb

After a worship service at First Baptist Church in Newcastle, Kentucky, a mother with a fidgety seven-year-old boy told me how she finally got her son to sit still and be quiet.

About halfway through the sermon, she leaned over and whispered, "If you don't be quiet, Pastor Charlton is going to lose his place and will have to start his sermon all over again!"

It worked.


August 6, 2014 - Pulled Over

A cop pulled me over and said, "Papers" to which I replied, "Scissors" and drove away.

Get Along
A cowboy walked into a pet store and asked to buy a Dachsund.

The store clerk asked why he chose that breed and the cowboy replied,

"Because someone told him to "get a long little doggy."


August 5, 2014 - Cloud 8
Two angels are talking on Cloud #8 when one says,

"Well yes, I am happy but I COULD be happier...."


August 4, 2014 - Smoking and Praying
Jack and Max are walking from religious service. Jack wonders whether it would be all right to smoke while praying.

Max replies, "Why don't you ask the Priest?"

So Jack goes up to the Priest and asks, " Father, may I  smoke while I pray?"

The Priest replies, "No, my son, you may not! That's utter disrespect to our religion."

Jack goes back to his friend and  tells him what the good Priest told him.

Max says, "I'm not surprised. You asked the wrong question. Let me try."

And so Max goes up to the Priest and asks, "Father, may I pray while I smoke ?"

To which the Priest eagerly replies, "By all means, my son. By all means. You can always pray whenever you want to."


August 1, 2014 - Four Waiting Fathers

Four expectant fathers were in a Minnesota hospital waiting room while their wives were in labor.

The nurse comes in and tells the first man, "Congratulations, You're the father of twins."

"What a coincidence!" the man exclaims. "I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team!"

The nurse returns a short while later and tells the second man, "You are the father of triplets."

"Wow, what a coincidence!" he replies. "I work for the 3M Corporation."

When the nurse comes again, she tells the third man that his wife has given birth to quadruplets.

"Another coincidence!" he tells her. "I work for the Four Seasons Hotel!"

At this point, the fourth guy faints. When he comes to, the others ask him what was wrong.

He moans, "I work for Seven-Eleven!"

July 2014

July 31, 2014 - Antique Tents
Once a year, the collectors of antique tents in Germany get together for a rally.

Last year, the organizers decided to hold it in Meinz. Unfortunately, the local burghers took a dim view of so great an influx
of tourists ruining their turf with tent pegs. The citizens organized themselves so thoroughly that they even had an anthem:

"Let Old and Quaint Tents Be Forgot and Never Brought to Meinz!"


July 30, 2014 - Newlywed Compromise

For our first New Year's together as a married couple, my wife offered me a choice of pumpkin pie, cheesecake or orange-date cake.

"Pumpkin pie," I requested.
"We've been eating pumpkin pie since Thanksgiving," Nancy protested. "Can't you choose something else?"

"Okay," I replied, "how about cheesecake?"

Making a face, Nancy said, "After all that rich food you ate over Christmas, surely you don't want cheesecake."

Recognizing my limited options, I then selected orange-date cake.

"Oh, I'm glad you chose that one," Nancy said. "Orange-date cake is a New Year's tradition in our family."


July 29, 2014 - Helpful Mechanic

Sally told her friend, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off, so I was relieved when he told me all I needed was blinker fluid."


July 28, 2014 - Forgotten Teeth

A dinner speaker was in such a hurry to get to his engagement that when he arrived and sat down at the head table, he suddenly realized that he had forgotten his false teeth. Turning to the man next to him, he complained, "I forgot my teeth, what am I going to do now!?"

The man said, "No problem." He reached into his pocket and pulled out a pair of false teeth. "Try these," he said.

The speaker tried them on. "Too loose," he said. The man then said, "I have another pair -- try these."

The speaker tried them on and responded, "Too tight." The man was not taken back at all.

He said, "I have one more pair. Try them."

The speaker said, "They fit perfectly." With that, he ate his meal and gave his speech.

After the dinner meeting was over, the speaker went to thank the man who had helped him. "I want to thank you for coming to my aid. Where is your office? I've been looking for a good dentist."

The man replied, "I'm not a dentist. I'm an undertaker."


July 25, 2014 - Mother-In-Law Paging

When my demanding mother-in-law found out that I had a pager, I knew that she would buzz me a hundred times a day.

I told her that when she calls she could save time by spelling out "M-O-M" on the phone.

So whenever my pager goes off and it says "666", I know it's her.


July 24, 2014 - Prayer Positions

Three preachers sat discussing the best positions for prayer, while a telephone repairman worked nearby.

"Kneeling is definitely best," claimed one.

"No," another contended. "I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven."

"You're both wrong," the third insisted. "The most effective prayer position is lying prostrate, face down on the floor."

The repairman could contain himself no longer.

"Hey, fellas," he interrupted, "the best prayin' I ever did was hangin' upside down from a telephone pole."


July 23, 2014 - Car Repair

My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."


July 22, 2014 - Choosing Sides

At a White House dinner, a churchman offered a benediction and closed with the pious affirmation: "The Lord is on our side."

When President Lincoln did not respond to this sentiment, someone asked him, "Don't you believe, Mr. President, that the Lord is always on the side of the right?"

"I am not concerned about that," was Lincoln's answer, "for we know that the Lord is always on the side of the right. My concern is that I and this nation should be on the Lord's side."


July 21, 2014 - Servicemen Foot Race

Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood.

They parked their truck the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end. At the last house, a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter.

Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger co-worker to a foot race down the alley back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one.

As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped and asked her what was wrong.

Gasping for breath, she replied, "When I saw two men from the gas company running as hard as you two were, I figured I'd better run too!"


July 18, 2014 - Coffee Cake

A former roommate baked a coffee cake and asked me to sample it.

It was pretty tasty but I asked her what the small crunchy things were in the cake. She said the recipe called for 2 cups of strong coffee.

You guessed it. She put two cups of pure coffee in - not perked coffee!!! Quite a buzzzzzzzz from that cake.


July 17, 2014 - Tough Teacher

A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all.

On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work.

When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took the desk stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.

Discipline was not a problem from that day forth!


July 16, 2014 - Synthetic Diamond

An Irishman by the name of O'Mally proposed to his girl on St. Patrick's Day. He gave her a ring with a synthetic diamond. The excited young lass showed it to her father, a jeweler. He took one look at it and saw it wasn't real.

The young lass, on learning it wasn't real, returned to her future husband and protested vehemently about his cheapness.

"It was in honor of St. Patrick's Day," he smiled. "I gave you a sham rock."


July 15, 2014 - Interview Excerpts
The following, allegedly, are actual post-interview excerpts collected from middle managers who, needless to say, probably did not hire any of the people mentioned here:

1. "Applicant stretched out on the floor to fill out the job application."

2. "She wore a Walkman and said she could listen to me and the music at the same time."

3. "A balding candidate abruptly excused himself. Returned to office a few minutes later, wearing a hairpiece."

4. "Applicant asked to see interviewer's resume to see if the personnel executive was qualified to judge the candidate."

5. "Applicant announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and french fries in the interviewer's office - wiping the ketchup on her sleeve."

6. "Stated that, if he were hired, he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm."

7. "Interrupted to phone his therapist for advice on answering specific interview questions."

8. "When I asked him about his hobbies, he stood up and started tap dancing around my office."

9. "At the end of the interview, while I stood there dumbstruck, he went through my purse, took out a brush, brushed his hair, and left."

10. "Applicant pulled out a Polaroid camera and snapped a flash picture of me. Said he collected photos of everyone who interviewed him."

11. "Said he wasn't interested because the position paid too much."

12. "During the interview, an alarm clock went off from the candidate's briefcase. He took it out, shut it off, apologized and said he had to leave for another interview."

13. "A telephone call came in for the job applicant. It was from his wife. His side of the conversation went like this: "Which company? When do I start? What's the salary?" I said, "I assume you're not interested in conducting the interview any farther."


July 14, 2014 - Flag Opinion

On this day in 1774 Betsy Ross asked a group of colonists for their opinion of the flag she had made.

This was the first ever flag poll.


July 11, 2014 - Pond Surprise
This fella had owned this large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back yard and had it fixed up nice with picnic tables, horse shoe pits, a basketball court, etc.
The pond was fixed for swimming when it was built. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond as he hadn't been there for a while and look it over. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
The old man replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim or to get you out of the pond, I only came to feed my Gators!"


July 10, 2014 - The Concerns of a Mouse
"What food might this contain?" The mouse wondered. He was devastated to discover it was a mousetrap.

Retreating to the farmyard, the mouse proclaimed this warning:

"There is a mousetrap in the house! There is a mousetrap in the house!"

The chicken clucked and scratched, raised her head and said, "Mr. Mouse, I can tell this is a grave concern to you, but it is of no consequence to me. I cannot be bothered by it."

The mouse turned to the pig and told him, "There is a mousetrap in the house! There is a mousetrap in the house!"

The pig sympathized, but said, "I am so very sorry, Mr. Mouse, but there is nothing I can do about it."

The mouse turned to the cow and said, "There is a mousetrap in the house! There is a mousetrap in the house!"

The cow said, "Wow, Mr. Mouse. I'm sorry for you, but it's no skin off my nose."

So, the mouse returned to the house, head down and dejected, to face the farmer's mousetrap . . . alone.

That very night a sound was heard throughout the house - the sound of a mousetrap catching its prey.

The farmer's wife rushed to see what was caught.

In the darkness, she did not see it.

It was a venomous snake whose tail was caught in the trap.

The snake bit the farmer's wife.

The farmer rushed her to the hospital. When she returned home she still had a fever.

Everyone knows you treat a fever with fresh chicken soup. So the farmer took his hatchet to the farmyard for the soup's main ingredient:

But his wife's sickness continued.

Friends and neighbors came to sit with her around the clock. To feed them, the farmer butchered the pig.

But, alas, the farmer's wife did not get well . . . she died.

So many people came for her funeral that the farmer had the cow slaughtered to provide enough meat for all of them for the
funeral luncheon..

And the mouse looked upon it all from his crack in the wall with great sadness.

So, the next time you hear someone is facing a problem and you think it doesn't concern you, remember: When one of us is threatened, we are all at risk. We are all involved in this journey called life. We must keep an eye out for one another and make an extra effort to encourage one another…


July 9, 2014 - The ABC Song

Customer: “Hey, can you help me find this book?”

Me: “Sure.”

(He holds up a piece of paper with the title and author of a book on it. I find it on the shelves and hand it to him.)

Customer: “Thanks! How’d you do that so fast?”

Me: “Well, I’ve worked here awhile, and the books are all in alphabetical order by author’s name.”

Customer: “What do you mean?”

Me: “Alphabetical order. Like the alphabet song? You know, A’s before B’s?”

(He looks confused, but then widens his eyes.)

Customer: “The letters actually go in that order? I thought that song was just to remember them all!”


July 8, 2014 - Ambulance Evaluation
Two paramedics were dispatched to check on a 92-year-old man who had become disoriented. They decided to take him to the hospital for evaluation.

En route, with siren going, they questioned the man to determine his level of awareness. Leaning close, one asked, "Sir, do you know what we're doing right now?"

The old man slowly looked up at him, then gazed out the ambulance window. "Oh," he replied, "I'd say about 50, maybe 55."


July 7, 2014 - Camouflage

"Thought I'd buy some my wife some camouflage pants the other day but I couldn't find any."


July 4, 2014 - Gnashing of Teeth
A preacher of the old school was describing the events of Judgement Day and, of course, he used
Biblical phraseology whenever he could.

"Oh, my friends," he intoned, "imagine the suffering of the sinners as they find themselves cast into the outer darkness, removed from the presence of the Lord and given to eternal flames. My friends, at such a time there will be weeping, wailing and a great gnashing of teeth!"

At this point, one of the elders of the congregation interrupted to say, "But Reverend, what if one of those hopeless sinners has no teeth?"

The preacher crashed his fist on the pulpit, "My friends, the Lord is not put out by details. Rest assured... teeth will be provided!"


July 3, 2014 - Driving Test
You are driving in a car at a constant speed.  On your left hand side there is a valley and on your right hand side there is a fire engine travelling at the same speed as you.

In front of you there is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it.

Behind you there is a helicopter flying at ground level.

Both the giant pig and the helicopter are travelling at the same speed as you.

What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?

Get off the merry-go-round - you're drunk!


July 2, 2014 - Charity
Dewey collected lots of money from trick-or-treating and he went to the candy store to buy some chocolate.

"You should give that money to charity," said the sales girl.
Dewey thought for a moment and said, "No, I'll buy the chocolate. You give the money to charity."


July 1, 2014 - Household Repairs

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.

But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the truck, the car, fishing, always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a few minutes. When I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.

"When you finish cutting the grass," I said, "you might as well sweep the sidewalk."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.