Good, Clean Jokes and Funny Stories


Good, Clean Jokes and Funny Stories


While the Bible isn't a joke book, it is obvious that humor played an important role in Hebrew culture. When drought hit Jacob's world he turned to his sons and said, "Why are you staring at one another...Go down [to Egypt] and buy some for us" (Gen 42:1-2). I also hear humor in some of Jesus' remarks, like when He renamed James and John the "sons of thunder" or when He said the Pharisees where like whitewashed tombs, full of dead men's bones (Matt 23). I think we need the picture of Jesus laughing and enjoying people. In fact, while Jesus indeed had many hard things to say, He was also full of emotion, joy and celebration. Even as He rebuked the Pharisees, we see a glimpse of His demeanor in ministry when He scolded them saying, "We played the flute for you, but you would not dance" (Matt 11). There was something very non-religious in Jesus that laughter, celebration and humor is part of. Hopefully, these jokes, stories and quips will help make your day more merry as you walk with the Lord Jesus through this world.

Francis

March 2013


March 29, 2013 - It Pays to Read Labels
I finally figured out why I am so "full-figured"!

As I was conditioning my hair in the shower this morning, I took time to read my shampoo bottle. I am in shock! The shampoo I use in the shower that runs down my entire body says "for extra volume and body"! Seriously, why have I not noticed this before?

Tomorrow I am going to start using "Dawn" dish soap! It says right on the bottle, "dissolves fat that is otherwise difficult to remove".

It pays to read the warning labels my friends.

March 28, 2013 - Kids on the Bible
The statements below are said to have been written by actual students, that they are genuine and NOT retouched or corrected:

- Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark.

- The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount cyanide to get the ten amendments.

- The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.

- The fifth commandment is to humor thy father and mother.

- The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.

- The epistles were wives of the apostles.

- The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.

- Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

- Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.

- One of the opposums was St Matthew who was also a taximan.

March 27, 2013 - One Carton and Six Eggs
This is a story which is perfectly logical to all males:

A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6."

A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.

The wife asks him, "Why on earth did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"

He replied, "They had eggs."

March 26, 2013 - Vice Principal Review

At a dinner party in the home of friends, our host mentioned his high-school alma mater. One of the guests asked him if he had been a student there at the same time as a particular vice principal.

"I sure was!" answered the host. "He was the biggest jerk I've ever met. Did you know him too?"

"Well, not then," replied the guest. "But my mother married him last Saturday."

March 25, 2013 - Morning Sickness
Sarah dropped in on her sister Molly and found her sitting at the kitchen table, staring blankly at a half-empty cup of coffee, her three kids squabbling loudly in the other room.

"What's wrong Molly?" she asked.

Molly told her that she had morning sickness.

Surprised, Sarah said, "Hurray! I didn't even know you were pregnant!"

"I'm not," the harried middle-aged mother replied.

March 22, 2013 - Science Quotes from Kids - Part 2
~ H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water.

~ To collect fumes of sulfur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube. When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.

~ Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.

~ Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars.

~ Blood flows down one leg and up the other.

~ Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration.

~ The moon is a planet, just like the earth, only it is even deader.

~ Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.

~ Mushrooms always grow in damp places so they look like umbrellas.

~ The pistol of a flower is its only protections against insects.

~ The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to.

~ A permanent set of teeth consist of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars, and eight cuspidors.

~ The tides are a fight between the earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

~ A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is.

~ Germinate: To become a naturalized German.

~ Liter: A nest of young puppies.

~ Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat.

~ Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away.

~ Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky.

~ Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot.

~ Vacuum: A large, empty space where the Pope lives.

~ Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative.

~ To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.

~ For a nosebleed, put the nose much lower than the body until the heart stops.

~ For dog bite put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it.

~ For head cold use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat.

~ To keep milk from turning sour, keep it in the cow.


March 21, 2013 - Science Quotes from Kids - Part 1
~ One horsepower is the amount of energy it takes to drag a horse 500 feet in one second.

~ You can listen to thunder after lightening and tell how close you came to getting hit. If you don't hear it, you got hit, so never mind.

~ When they broke open molecules, they found they were only stuffed with atoms. But when they broke open atoms, they found them stuffed with explosions.

~ When people run around and around in circles, we say they are crazy. When planets do it, we say they are orbiting.

~ While the earth seems to be knowingly keeping its distance from the sun, it is really only centrificating.

~ Most books now say our sun is a star. But it still knows how to change into a sun in the daytime.

~ A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to go.

~ Many dead animals of the past changed to fossils, others preferred to become oil.

~ Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know they are there.

~ Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun. But I have never been able to make out the numbers.

~ We say the cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on.

~ I am not sure how clouds get formed. But the clouds know how to do it, and that is the important thing.

~ In making rain water, it takes everything from H to O.

~ Rain is saved up in cloud banks.

~ Cyanide is so poisonous that one drop of it on a dog's tongue will kill the strongest man.

~ Thunder is a rich source of loudness.

~ Isotherms and isobars are even more important than their names sound.

~ It is so hot in some parts of the world that the people there have to live in other places.


March 20, 2013 - A Good Job Done
The farmer's son was returning from the market with a crate of chickens his father had entrusted to him, when all of a sudden the box fell and broke open. Chickens scurried off in different directions, but the determined boy walked all over the neighborhood scooping up the wayward birds and returning them to the repaired crate. Hoping he had found them all, the boy reluctantly returned home, expecting the worst.

"Pa, the chickens got loose," the boy confessed sadly, "but I managed to find all twelve of them."

"Well, you done a good job, son," the farmer beamed, "because you only left with seven."


March 19, 2013 - Shoe Follow
Two elderly women were trying on shoes in our store. When I slipped a shoe onto one woman's foot, the end of my tie got caught beneath her heel.

Unaware of my predicament, she stood up and started toward the mirror. For a few seconds, I found myself crawling along the floor beside her, trying to get her attention.

"Look, Martha," her friend said. "he wants to go home with you!"


March 18, 2013 - Project Picture
My 12 year old daughter asked me, "Mom, do you have a baby picture of yourself? I need it for a school project." I gave her one without thinking to ask what the project was.

A few days later I was in her classroom for a parent-teacher meeting when I noticed my face pinned to a mural the students had created.

The title of their project was: "The oldest thing in my house."


March 15, 2013 - Breakable Mail

There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country.

"Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk.

"Only the Ten Commandments." answered the lady.


March 14, 2013 - Good Morning
"Somebody has said there are only two kinds of people in the world. There are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning, Lord," and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's morning."


March 13, 2013 - Meter Reader
A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter.

Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses."

When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation."


March 12, 2013 - Building Program
There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets."


March 11, 2013 - Energy Efficient
While driving in Pennsylvania , a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign... "Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust."


March 8, 2013 - Little Benjamin
Little Benjamin came running into the kitchen where is mother was working.

"Mom, can I please change my name right now?" he asked.

"But why would you want to do that?" replied his mom.

"Because Dad said he's going to spank me as sure as my name's Benjamin!"


March 7, 2013 - Keeping a Confidence
A friend of mine was in the hospital awaiting the arrival of her first child. When I telephoned the hospital to see if the baby had arrived, the nurse said it had.

I asked if it was a boy or girl and was told that it was against hospital policy to give this information over the phone.

"Fine," I said. "I can understand that. But can you tell me what she didn't have?"

"It wasn't a boy," came the reply.


March 6, 2013 - Kids and Cliches
I teach fourth grade in Ventura County, California. As a fun assignment, I gave the students the beginning of a list of famous sayings and asked them to provide original endings for each one. Here are some examples of what my students submitted.

- The grass is always greener when you leave the sprinkler on.

- A rolling stone plays the guitar.

- The grass is always greener when you remember to water it.

- A bird in the hand is a real mess.

- No news is no newspaper.

- It's better to light one candle than to waste electricity.

- It's always darkest just before I open my eyes.

- You have nothing to fear but homework.

- If you can't stand the heat, don't start the fireplace.

- If you can't stand the heat, go swimming.

- Never put off 'til tomorrow what you should have done yesterday.

- A penny saved is nothing in the real world.

- The squeaking wheel gets annoying.

- We have nothing to fear but our principal.

- To err is human. To eat a muskrat is not.

- I think, therefore I get a headache.

- Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry, and someone yells, "Shut up!"

- Better to light a candle than to light an explosive.

- It's always darkest before 9:30 p.m.

- Early to bed and early to rise is first in the bathroom.

- A journey of a thousand miles begins with a blister.

- There is nothing new under the bed.

- The grass is always greener when you put manure on it.

- Don't count your chickens -- it takes too long.


March 5, 2013 - I Wish I Was a Bear

If you're a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months. I could get used to that.

And another thing; before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid. That wouldn't bother me either.

If you're a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business; you swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them, too.

Also, your husband expects you to growl when you wake up. He expects you to have hairy legs and excess body fat. He likes it.

I wish I were a bear.


March 4, 2013 - Signs of the Times
In a Vet's Office:
"All unattended children given free kitten"

Lot outside Vet's office in Silverton, OR:
"Parking for customers only; others will be neutered."

In a Veterinarians waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

Billboard on the side of the road:
"Keep your eyes on the road and stop reading these signs."

In a Nonsmoking Area:
"If we see smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

On Maternity Room Door:
"Push, Push, Push."

On a fence:
"Salesmen welcome - dog food is expensive."

Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary, we'll hear you coming."

In the front yard of a funeral home:
"Drive carefully, we'll wait."


March 1, 2013 - New Friend Sincerity
Last summer my wife and I met a couple at a restaurant. After lunch, the women decided to go shopping, and I invited the man to go sailing. While we were out on the water, a storm blew up. The tide had gone out, and we were down wind trying to work our way back through a narrow channel. At one point the boat grounded and we had to climb overboard and shove with all our might to get it back in deeper water.

As my new friend stood there, ankle deep in muck, the wind blowing his hair wildly, rain streaming down his face, he grinned at me, and with unmistakable sincerity said, "Sure beats shopping."