Good, Clean Jokes and Funny Stories


Good, Clean Jokes and Funny Stories


While the Bible isn't a joke book, it is obvious that humor played an important role in Hebrew culture. When drought hit Jacob's world he turned to his sons and said, "Why are you staring at one another...Go down [to Egypt] and buy some for us" (Gen 42:1-2). I also hear humor in some of Jesus' remarks, like when He renamed James and John the "sons of thunder" or when He said the Pharisees where like whitewashed tombs, full of dead men's bones (Matt 23). I think we need the picture of Jesus laughing and enjoying people. In fact, while Jesus indeed had many hard things to say, He was also full of emotion, joy and celebration. Even as He rebuked the Pharisees, we see a glimpse of His demeanor in ministry when He scolded them saying, "We played the flute for you, but you would not dance" (Matt 11). There was something very non-religious in Jesus that laughter, celebration and humor is part of. Hopefully, these jokes, stories and quips will help make your day more merry as you walk with the Lord Jesus through this world.

Francis

February 2012

February 29, 2012 - Teachers About to Retire
You know you're a retiree-to-be when...

1. Fellow staff members greet you in the hall with, "Oh! Stop smiling!"

2. You get up to the checkout counter at Borders, and you realize you're buying books you won't need next year.

3. Your file cabinets are getting lighter, and your circular file is getting heavier.

4. You find yourself saying, "Yes!" whenever an administrator or union officer asks you to be on a committee next year.

5. The custodian has complained to the principal that the trash he removes daily from your room is 10 to 20 times greater than any other room in the building - including the cafeteria.

6. You get in line at the copy machine, and realize you don't have anything to copy.

7. The teachers in the grade below you complain about how horrible their kids are, and you just smile.

8. The principal comes in for the final observation of the year, and you throw a party for your class with lots of snacks, games, and a visit from Frankie the clown.

9. You constantly find other teachers in your room measuring bookcases.

10. You respond to every new initiative with, "Been there! Done that!"

11. When the parent, who has complained about every teacher her kid has ever had, comes up to you and says, "My son is hoping to get you next year," you just smile!

12. On your way to the parking lot, you look up at the sky, and see 3 or 4 recent college graduates circling overhead.

13. Other staff members complain that they can't get into the rest room because you're always in there, laughing hysterically.

14. Behind you, as you're driving out of the parking lot, you hear the faint ringing of the dismissal bell.

15. Your final comments on the June report card are, "Bye!"


February 28, 2012 - Scientific Advances
Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

While I was employed by a private corporation and assigned to the space-shuttle program, my job included ordering supplies.

One of the engineers asked me to get a new dictionary for him. The request form said, "State reason this item is needed," so I asked him why he wanted one.

I expected his answer would be "My old copy is lost" or "The cover is falling off." Instead he replied, "My edition defines spaceship as an 'imaginary aircraft.'"

He got his new dictionary.


February 27, 2012 - Money and Friends
Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

A woman called the dean of the college that her freshman son was going to. "I'm worried. I don't know who my son can hang out with. He doesn't have the kind of money all the other students have."

The dean replied, "He can hang out with the faculty."


February 24, 2012 - New Light Switch

My husband decided life would be easier if he wired a new light switch in the master bedroom to save us from fumbling in the dark for the lamp. He cut through the drywall and found a stash of bottles and small boxes inside the wall.

"Honey!" he called excitedly. "You've got to come here and see what I found."

I ran in and quickly realized that his next task would be to fix the hole that now led into the back of our medicine cabinet.


February 23, 2012 - Money and Friends
A woman called the dean of the college that her freshman son was going to. "I'm worried. I don't know who my son can hang out with. He doesn't have the kind of money all the other students have."

The dean replied, "He can hang out with the faculty."


February 22, 2012 - Get-well Gift
My wife coordinates get-well gifts for our church members who are in the hospital.

Recently she visited a member who was recuperating from a kidney stone operation. Not knowing the nature of his illness, she presented him with a copy of Max Lucado's book, "He Still Moves Stones."


February 21, 2012 - Knowing Your Spouse
One of the funniest memories I have of the trials and tribulations of making the journey from childhood to adulthood was our annual summer vacation trek from Chicago to a cabin usually someplace on a lake in Wisconsin or Michigan.

Every year, it seems, we would get on a highway a few miles out of the city, and mom would wail, "Oh my goodness! I think left the iron on." And almost every year we would turn around and go back. But as I recall, not once was it was ever plugged in. She often had the same fear that all our earthly possessions would disappear in a fire caused by her forgetfulness.

When I was about 14 years old, we were headed out of Chicago for Lake Geneva, Wisconsin and, sure enough, Mom gasped, "I just know I left the iron on."

My father didn't say a word, just pulled over onto the shoulder of the road, got out, opened the trunk and handed her the iron.


February 20, 2012 - Procedure Recall
As a resident physician in radiology, I was speaking with the man whose wife was about to receive a CAT scan of the chest.

While the nurse was placing the intravenous line, I asked the husband if his wife had undergone any other tests. The man named several procedures involving various body parts, but he couldn't remember one particular test.

Thinking out loud, he said, "What is that thing women have that men don't?"

His wife was quick to answer, "A brain, dear."


February 17, 2012 - Arrest
A police recruit was asked during the exam,

'What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?'

He answered, 'Call for backup.'


February 16, 2012 - Bible Story
A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem.

A small child replied, 'They couldn't get a baby-sitter.'


February 15, 2012 - Family

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.

After explaining the commandment to 'Honor thy father and thy mother,' she asked, 'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?'

Without missing a beat, one little boy answered, 'Thou shall not kill..'


February 14, 2012 - Getting a WifeAt Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings.

Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.

Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and she said, 'Johnny, what is the matter?' Little Johnny responded, 'I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife.'


February 13, 2012 - Laughter
You don't stop laughing because you grow old.

You grow old because you stop laughing!

Take heed and pass these along to people who need a laugh. I thought you would enjoy this....times are tough right now...for all of us... so we need something to make the day a happy place.

"They" haven't found a way to tax you for laughing yet.


February 10, 2012 - Truth
Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong preaching on the devil.

One said to the other, 'What do you think about all this Satan stuff?'

The other boy replied, 'Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out.

It's probably just your Dad.'


February 9, 2012 - Wearing White
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother,

'Why is the bride dressed in white?''

The mother replied, 'Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life.'

The child thought about this for a moment then said,

'So why is the groom wearing black?'


February 8, 2012 - Running
A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class.

As she ran she prayed, 'Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!'

While she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again!

As she ran she once again began to pray, 'Dear Lord, please don't let me be late...But please don't shove me either!'


February 7, 2012 - Dads
Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers.

The first boy says, 'My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50.'

The second boy says, 'That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100.'

The third boy says, 'I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!'


February 6, 2012 - One Woman's Dying Wish
An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers.

In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote,

'They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead.'


February 3, 2012 - Senior moment

Several days ago as I left a meeting at our church, I desperately gave myself a personal TSA pat down. I was looking for my keys. They were not in my pockets. A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing.

Suddenly I realized, I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the parking lot. My wife, Diane, has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition. My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them. Her theory is that the car will be stolen. As I burst through the doors of the church, I came to a terrifying conclusion. Her theory was right. The parking lot was empty.

I immediately call the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen. Then I made the most difficult call of all, “Honey,” I stammered. I always call her “honey” in times like these. “I left my keys in the car, and it has been stolen."

There was a period of silence. I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard Diane’s voice. “Ken” she barked, “I dropped you off!”

Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, “Well, come and get me.”

Diane retorted, “I will, as soon as I can convince this policeman that I did not steal your car!!!”


February 2, 2012 - Kettle Rescue
A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist towards an electric kettle.

Intending to jolt him away from the deadly electrical current, she whacked him with a plank of wood that had been by the back door, breaking his arm in two places.

Until that moment he had been happily listening to his mp3 player.


February 1, 2012 - Mom Through the Ages
4 years old: My Mommy can do anything!
8 years old: My Mom knows a lot! A whole lot!
12 years old: My Mother doesn't really know quite everything.
14 years old: Naturally, Mother doesn't know that, either.
16 years old: Mother? She's hopelessly old-fashioned.
18 years old: That old woman? She's way out of date!
25 years old: Well, she might know a little bit about it.
35 years old: Before we decide, let's get Mom's opinion.
55 years old: Wonder what Mom would have thought about it?
65 years old: Wish I could talk it over with Mom