July 29, 2011 - Threatening Letters
The fellow stormed into the postmaster's office in a fury. "I've been getting threatening letters in the mail for months and I want them stopped."
"Of course," said the postmaster. "Sending threatening letters through the mail is a federal offense. Do you know who's sending them?"
"Yes," shouted the man. "It's those goobers down at the Internal Revenue Service."
July 28, 2011 - Children in Restaurants
The waitress comes over and recognizes the family seated at the table -- Mr. and Mrs. Smith and their little son, Jonathan. She says, "Jonathan, what would you like?"
He says, "I'll have a grilled cheese sandwich."
She says, "Jonathan, I'm sorry, we don't serve grilled cheese sandwiches."
He says, "You have a grill, don't you?"
She says, "Yes."
He says, "You have cheese, don't you?"
She says, "Yes."
He says, "You have bread, don't you?"
She says, "Yes."
He says, "Well, I'll have a grilled cheese sandwich."
This kid is four years old!
The waitress says, "Jonathan, I'll go see if the chef will fix you a grilled cheese sandwich."
She comes back in a little while and says, "Okay, Jonathan, the chef agreed to fix you a grilled cheese sandwich. I forgot to ask you, though, what you want to drink."
He says, "I'll have a milkshake."
She says, "Jonathan, your parents have probably already told you we don't serve milkshakes." (She was ready for him this time.) "Now, it is true we have milk. And it is true we have ice cream. But we don't have the syrup."
He says, "You have a car, don't you?"
July 27, 2011 - Tennis Take On
A manager has to take on some sport by his doctor so he decides to play tennis. After a couple of weeks his secretary asks him how he's doing. "It's going fine", the manager says, "When I'm on the court and I see the ball speeding towards me my brain immediately says: To the corner! Back hand! To the net! Smash! Go back!"
"Really? What happens then?" the girl asks enthusiastic.
"Then my body says: Who? Me? Don't talk nonsense!"
July 26, 2011 - Housekeeping
My friend's husband is always telling her that housekeeping would be a snap if only she would organize her time better.
Recently he had a chance to put his theory into practice while his wife was away.
When I popped in one evening to see how he was managing, he crowed, "I made a cake and frosted it; washed the kitchen windows; cleaned all the cupboards; scrubbed the kitchen floor, walls, and ceiling; and even had a bath."
I was about to concede that perhaps he was a better manager than his wife, when he added sheepishly, "When I was making the chocolate frosting, I forgot to turn off the mixer before taking the beaters out of the bowl, so I had to do all the rest."
July 25 2011 - Breaker, Breaker Dog Buddy
My son Ward owns a shiny green four-wheel-drive truck. He also owns a 110-pound black Labrador named Tony.
On trips, the dog generally sits on a platform behind the driver's seat, resting his huge head on Ward's shoulder as they travel cheek-to-cheek. Ward did not give this cozy arrangement a second thought until the day he took Tony with him on a trip to Montana.
While listening to his CB radio, Ward overheard one trucker remark to another, "See the little green four-wheeler you're about to pass? When you go by him, take a good look -- see if that's really a dog driving."
July 22, 2011 - Flight Attendant Trivia
To pass the time while our plane was being de-iced, the flight attendants played a trivia game with the passengers. They asked us to guess the total number of years the three of them had worked for the airlines.
After an attendant collected our estimates, we heard the announcement:
"The correct answer is 26 years. For the two people who came closest with 28 years, we have prizes. And for the passenger in seat 12F who guessed 85 years, would you please step off the plane once we are airborne."
July 21, 2011 - Carbs
Low carb diets really go against the grain.
July 20, 2011 - Contribution
A pig and a chicken were walking by a church where a gala charity event was taking place. Getting caught up in the spirit, the pig suggested to the chicken that they each make a contribution.
"Great idea!" the chicken cried. "Let's offer them ham and eggs?"
"Not so fast," said the pig. "For you, that's a contribution. For me, it's a total commitment."
July 19, 2011 - Out of Gas
After finishing an out-of-town errand, I discovered that my car wouldn't start because it was out of gas.
A passer-by told me there was a service station a half-mile away, so I took a gas can from the trunk and trudged the distance in the sweltering sun.
The attendant filled my two-gallon can, and I lugged it back and poured the gas into the tank. But when I tried to unlock the car door, it wouldn't open. Just then, I noticed an identical old car parked a short distance away. That was my car; I had filled a stranger's gas tank.
Wearily I walked back to the station.
"You know," the attendant suggested helpfully, "instead of walking back and forth to fill the tank from the can, you could put a couple of gallons in the tank and then drive the car here."
July 18, 2011 - Job Applications
A few weeks after a young man had been employed, he was called into the Human Resources administrator's office.
"What is the meaning of this?" the personnel officer asked. "When you applied for this job, you told us you had three years experience. Now I've discovered this is the first position you've ever held."
"True," the young man answered with a smile. "In your advertisement you said you wanted a person with imagination."
July 15, 2011 - Vacation E-mails
Major Mark Wagner is planting a church for the Salvation Army (they do good work) in the same community I pastor in.
Mark is a very, very good friend of mine. If friendships were assigned a rank Mark would be much more than a major friend – he would be a general friend. Of course since friendships aren’t assigned ranks all I can say is that Mark is so much more than a general friend. To me he is a major friend.
Mark also has a PhD. This makes him a doctor friend – but he’s not the kind of doctor you go to for medical help. Once I did turn my head and cough for Mark, but that was just to be polite and avoid coughing on him. Really, we’re just friends.
Why am I telling you so much about Mark? Simply to share the following e-mail conversation his brother and his brother’s wife had with their kids while they were away on holidays.
We are in a really nice cabin on a river. Our cell phones do not pick up a signal however. If there is a need to contact us send an email (we do have wifi). There is a phone here but we can't tell what the number is. The owner of the cabin is Michael ****** (866) 555-****.
We love you.....be kind to each other! Mom
Hey mom, the house burnt down, all your plants died, David is missing, Mark got arrested, the lawn is trashed, I wrecked Mark’s truck into all three cars, and James left and hasn’t come back since you left. Much love, Joel
Call State Farm, buy Mom some roses, send Picasso to find David, get a bond to spring Mark, add a little nitrogen fertilizer to the grass, put some books out on the front step to lure James home, then turn yourself in to the police. Love Dad
July 14, 2011 - Phone Pun
So these 2 iPhones got married ... the wedding was beautiful, but the reception was horrible.
July 13, 2011 - Polite With No Manners
The two snooty women were sitting in the living room, waiting for their hostess, who was slightly delayed in another room.
The daughter of the family was with the two women, on the theory that she would keep the visitors occupied during the wait.
The child was about six years old. She was snub nosed, spotted with splotchy freckles, buck toothed, and bespectacled. She maintained a deep silence and the two ladies peered doubtfully at her.
Finally, one of the women muttered to the other, "She's not very p - r - e - t - t - y, is she?"
Whereupon the child piped up, "Maybe not, but I'm very s - m - a - r - t and I can s - p - e - l - l."
July 12, 2011 - Siblings
My seven-year-old son, Nick, received a snap-together electronic kit for his birthday. He learned that if you put a resistor in line with the speaker, it lowers the volume from the speaker.
During the six-hour car trip home from my parents' house, Nick had had about enough of his five-month-old brother's constant crying in the car. So he said, "I wish I had a resistor in my ear!"
July 11, 2011 - Disappointment with Parents
Laura and Freddy are cousins, and their grandma is babysitting them for the day.
Although Freddy's mom is the renowned chef in the family, Laura's mom prepared lunch earlier, including potatoes in the oven. But one fell and got badly burnt. Grandma jumped on the occasion to show the kids how to draw with it on a piece of paper.
Sad, Freddy observed: "My mom would NEVER burn potatoes for me!"
July 8, 2011 - 2503 Years Old
A tourist is traveling with a guide through one of the thickest jungles in Latin America, when he comes across an ancient Mayan temple. The tourist is entranced by the temple and asks the guide for details. The guide states that archaeologists are carrying out excavations and are still finding great treasures. The tourist then queries how old the temple is.
"This temple is 2,503 years old," replies the guide.
Impressed at this accurate dating, he asks how he knew this precise figure.
"Easy," replies the guide. "The archaeologists said the temple was 2,500 years old, and that was three years ago."
July 7, 2011 - Naps
I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
July 6, 2011 - Impartiality
A friend of mine had just become a district court judge and was nervous about presiding impartially over his first criminal trial. As a former prosecutor, he could see the preponderance of evidence was clearly against the defendant.
The proceedings went smoothly, until it was time for him to instruct the jury. "The jury," he said, "is to convene to the guilty room."
July 5, 2011 - Didn't See That Coming
The minister's little six-year-old girl had been so naughty during the week that her mother decided to give her the worst kind of punishment. She told her she couldn't go to the Sunday School Picnic on Saturday.
When the day came, her mother felt she had been too harsh and changed her mind. When she told the little girl she could go to the picnic, the child's reaction was one of gloom and unhappiness.
"What's the matter? I thought you'd be glad to go to the picnic." her mother said.
"It's too late!" the little girl said. "I've already prayed for rain."
July 4, 2011 - Better Grades
The little boy wasn't getting good marks in school.
One day he made the teacher quite surprised. He tapped her on the shoulder and said, "I don't want to scare you, but my daddy says if I don't get better grades, somebody is going to get a spanking."
July 1, 2011 - Nun Shopping
The convent had been presented with a new car, a red Mini Metro, the pride of its breed. Sister Lourdes, the only qualified driver, became the chauffer for all and sundry. Every Saturday she would drive Reverend Mother into town for the shopping.
All went well until Bank Holiday weekend when the town was so packed with people and cars that is became evident that there was no earthly place to park.
"Don't worry, Reverend Mother," said Sister Lourdes. "You go into the supermarket and I'll drive around the block until you come out."
Off sped the car, and the Reverend Mother bustled around the store shopping quickly, then rushing back to the curbside.
There she stood for five minutes, ten, twenty. No sign of Sister Lourdes. Where could she be?
Eventually the Reverend Mother approached a patrolling policeman.
"Excuse me, Officer," said she, Have you seen a nun in a red mini?"
"No," replied the officer, "but these days nothing would surprise me!"
Good, Clean Jokes and Funny Stories
Good, Clean Jokes and Funny Stories
While the Bible isn't a joke book, it is obvious that humor played an important role in Hebrew culture. When drought hit Jacob's world he turned to his sons and said, "Why are you staring at one another...Go down [to Egypt] and buy some for us" (Gen 42:1-2). I also hear humor in some of Jesus' remarks, like when He renamed James and John the "sons of thunder" or when He said the Pharisees where like whitewashed tombs, full of dead men's bones (Matt 23). I think we need the picture of Jesus laughing and enjoying people. In fact, while Jesus indeed had many hard things to say, He was also full of emotion, joy and celebration. Even as He rebuked the Pharisees, we see a glimpse of His demeanor in ministry when He scolded them saying, "We played the flute for you, but you would not dance" (Matt 11). There was something very non-religious in Jesus that laughter, celebration and humor is part of. Hopefully, these jokes, stories and quips will help make your day more merry as you walk with the Lord Jesus through this world.