June 30, 2011 - Siblings
My seven-year-old son, Nick, received a snap-together electronic kit for his birthday. He learned that if you put a resistor in line with the speaker, it lowers the volume from the speaker.
June 29, 2011 - PICNIC Problem
Looking over the log book kept by the computer support staff at my office, I noticed several entries stating the problem was PICNIC.
I asked one of the technicians what PICNIC meant.
He laughed as he told me it meant "Problem In Chair, Not In Computer."
June 28, 2011 - You Know You Are Growing Old When…
You know you're growing old when...
..you've come to the annoying realization that your parents were right about almost everything.
..the bag boy volunteers to help load groceries into your car ... in the "ten items or less" lane.
..you've stopped supporting your children, and started supporting your parents.
..you buy "age-defying" makeup and "anti-wrinkle" creams and believe they work.
..you've realized that all those geeky people in Bermuda shorts walking around Disney World include you.
..you've had three opportunities to buy every single Disney Animated Classic "for the last time in a generation."
June 27, 2011 - Friendly Competition
A group of friends who prided themselves on their intelligence set out to have a contest of wits. Each person in turn asked a question, and anyone who volunteered an answer that was wrong dropped out. If no one could answer, the questioner himself had to answer, and if he was wrong, he dropped out. Each dropout had to put $5 into the pot.
Eventually the matter boiled down to Thompson and Brown, and the erudition of each one boiled up so that both were held even for half an hour.
Finally Thompson said, "How does a gopher dig a hole without leaving a mound of sand at the lip?"
Brown thought about that and said, "I can't answer that. However, since it's your question, you had better answer it."
Thompson said coolly, as he reached for the accumulated pile of bills. "Easy. The gopher starts at the bottom of the hole and that's where he leaves the sand."
"Hold on," said Brown heatedly, grasping Thompson's wrist to prevent him from taking the pot. "How does the gopher get to the bottom of the hole in the first place?"
"That's YOUR question," said Thompson as he took the money.
June 24, 2011 - Ten Commandments
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five- and six-year-olds.
After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat, one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."
June 23, 2011 - Shaking Hands
"Doctor, you've got to help me - I just can't stop my hands from shaking!"
"Do you drink a lot of coffee?"
"Not really - I spill most of it!"
June 22, 2011 - Free or Not Free
The Fourth of July was coming up, and the nursery school teacher took the opportunity to tell her class about patriotism.
"We live in a great country," she said. "One of the things we should be happy is that, in this country, we are all free."
One little boy came walking up to her from the back of the room. He stood with his hands on his hips and said, "I'm not free. I'm four."
June 21, 2011 - Best Marksman
One of the best marksmen in the FBI was passing through a small town. Everywhere he saw evidence of the most amazing shooting. On trees, on walls, and on fences there were numerous bull's-eyes with the bullet hole in dead center.
The FBI man asked one of the townsmen if he could meet the person responsible for this wonderful marksmanship. The man turned out to be the village idiot.
"This is the best marksmanship I have ever seen," said the FBI man. "How in the world do you do it?"
"Nothing to it," said the idiot. "I shoot first and draw the circles afterward."
June 20, 2011 - Memento
Friend: "I suppose you carry a memento of some sort in that locket of yours?"
Woman: "Yes, it's a lock of my husband's hair."
Friend: "But your husband is still alive."
Woman: "I know, but his hair is gone."
June 17, 2011 - Don't Worry
Don't let your worries get the best of you;
Remember, Moses started out as a basket case.
June 16, 2011 - Family History
You are working on your family genealogy and for sake of example, let's say that your great-great uncle, Remus Starr, a fellow lacking in character, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Montana in 1889.
A cousin has supplied you with the only known photograph of Remus, showing him standing on the gallows. On the back of the picture are the words:
"Remus Starr: Horse thief, sent to Montana Territorial Prison, 1885. Escaped 1887, robbed the Montana Flyer six times. Caught by Pinkerton detectives, convicted and hanged, 1889."
Pretty grim situation, right? But let's revise things a bit.
June 15, 2011 - Out of Gas
The young woman sat in her stalled car, waiting for help. Finally two men walked up to her. "I'm out of gas," she purred. "Could you please push me to the gas station?"
The men readily put their muscles to the car and rolled it several blocks. After a while, one looked up, exhausted, to see that they had just passed a filling station.
"How come you didn't turn in?" he yelled.
"I never go there," the girl shouted back. "They don't have full service."
June 14, 2011 - Boneless Chicken
The food in China can be a challenge for newcomers. One example is that chicken is often served "cleaver style," leaving the meat and bones chopped up together, making it difficult to eat.
Years ago, I went with a group of newcomers to a nice hotel to eat some hamburgers and normal Western food. One lady in our group, Marie, wanted to eat chicken without needing to spit out the bones, so she ordered "boneless chicken."
The waiter, whose English was quite good, could not imagine what Marie wanted. She was very insistent, saying, "I want boneless chicken. Chicken with no bones!"
After more confusion and more insisting, the waiter finally said he understood, wrote something down, and returned to the kitchen.
After about 15 minutes, our orders started coming out to the table. Marie's food was the last to arrive, and when the poor waiter placed her dish in front of her, we all laughed out loud. It was a plate of fried eggs.
June 13, 2011 - People
Some people are kind, polite, and sweet-spirited
Until you try to sit in their pews.
June 10, 2011 - Growing Up
Your child is growing up when he stops asking where he came from and starts refusing to tell where he's been.
June 9, 2011 - Quickest Way to York
A man approached a local person in a village he was visiting.
"What's the quickest way to York?"
The local scratched his head.
"Are you walking or driving?" he asked the stranger.
"That's the quickest way!"
June 8, 2011 - Fishing
Jim had an awful day fishing, sitting on the lake all day without a single bite.
On his way home, he stopped at the supermarket and ordered four catfish.
He told the fish salesman, "Pick out the four largest ones and throw them at me, will you?"
"Okay, but why do you want me to throw them at you?"
"Because I want to tell my wife that I caught them."
June 7, 2011 - Second Career
A retired Navy admiral, my father began a second career working in a bank. One morning, while he prepared his desk for the day, he was approached by a young officer from the nearby Naval base.
"Sorry, but this department isn't open yet," Dad said.
"But it's nine o'clock!" protested the officer.
My father didn't look at his watch. Instead, he surveyed his customer's uniform.
"Ensign," he snapped, "I'll decide when it's nine o'clock!"
June 6, 2011 - Landing in the Fog
An airliner is coming into land at an airport obscured by fog. Visibility is practically nil, the ILS system is on the blink, so the pilot has to land on wits alone. "Flaps, check," he says to the co-pilot, "Landing Gear, check. Altitude, check. Right, we're going in. Hold on."
The plane lands and comes to a screeching, grinding halt; just short of the edge of the runway. "Wow!" exclaims the pilot, "This must be the shortest runway I've ever landed on!"
The co-pilot looks left and right and says "Yeah, and about the widest, too..."
June 3, 2011 - City Preacher
Having grown up just outside New York City, I barely knew a cow from an ear of corn. Until, that is, I married a small-town Ohio girl. While I was in seminary school, I had a temporary assignment at a church in a rural community. The day of my first sermon, I tried very hard to fit in. Maybe too hard.
With my wife sitting in the first pew, I began my discourse: "I never saw a cow until I met my wife."
June 2, 2011 - The Good Old Days
It was the finish line of the Boston marathon. A first time runner is hobbling away, having just finished.
A grizzled old marathoner looks at him and says "You'll feel a lot worse tomorrow."
He pauses and then says, "But the really bad news is that in about 3 days, you're going to think you had fun today."
June 1, 2011 - Surgeon Roast
Harry hosted a dinner party. One of his guests was a surgeon.
While deftly carving the roast, Harry kept up a running commentary: "How am I doing, Doc? How do you like that technique? I'd make a pretty good surgeon, don't you think?"
When Harry had finished and the slices of meat lay neatly on the serving platter, the surgeon spoke up:
"Anybody can take them apart, Harry. Now let's see you put them back together again."
Good, Clean Jokes and Funny Stories
Good, Clean Jokes and Funny Stories
While the Bible isn't a joke book, it is obvious that humor played an important role in Hebrew culture. When drought hit Jacob's world he turned to his sons and said, "Why are you staring at one another...Go down [to Egypt] and buy some for us" (Gen 42:1-2). I also hear humor in some of Jesus' remarks, like when He renamed James and John the "sons of thunder" or when He said the Pharisees where like whitewashed tombs, full of dead men's bones (Matt 23). I think we need the picture of Jesus laughing and enjoying people. In fact, while Jesus indeed had many hard things to say, He was also full of emotion, joy and celebration. Even as He rebuked the Pharisees, we see a glimpse of His demeanor in ministry when He scolded them saying, "We played the flute for you, but you would not dance" (Matt 11). There was something very non-religious in Jesus that laughter, celebration and humor is part of. Hopefully, these jokes, stories and quips will help make your day more merry as you walk with the Lord Jesus through this world.