March 31, 2011 - Growing Up Speaking English
Some reasons to be grateful if you grew up speaking English:
1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
8) At the Army base, a bass was painted on the head of a bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) After a number of Novocain injections, my jaw got number.
19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
22) I spent last evening evening out a pile of dirt.
March 30, 2011 - Nervous Preacher
A new preacher had just begun his sermon. He was a little nervous and about ten minutes into the talk his mind went blank. He remembered some advice they gave him in seminary school for when a situation like this arose -- repeat your last point. Often this will help you remember what should come next. So he gave it a try.
"Behold, I come quickly," he said. Still his mind was blank. So he tried again, "Behold, I come quickly!" Still nothing.
He tried once more, this time with so much vehemence that he tripped over his microphone wire and fell off the stage, right into the lap of a little old lady in the front row.
The young preacher was very embarrassed and tried to apologize, and the woman replied, "That's all right, young man. It was my fault...I should have gotten out of the way. You told me three times you were coming!"
March 29, 2011 - Meatloaf
A recent bride called her mother one evening in tears.
"Oh, Mom, I tried to make Grandma's meat loaf for dinner tonight, and it's just awful! I followed the recipe exactly, and I know I have the recipe right because it's the one you gave me. But it just didn't come out right, and I'm so upset. I wanted this to be so special for George because he loves meat loaf. What could have gone wrong?"
Her mother replied soothingly, "Well, dear, let's go through the recipe. You read it out loud and tell me exactly what you did at each step, and together we'll figure it out."
"Okay," the bride sniffled. "Well, it starts out, 'Take fifty cents worth of ground beef'…………."
March 28, 2011 - Guilty Pleasure
It was moving day. The previous owners were going to finish moving out that morning, and we were going to start moving in that afternoon.
We showed up just as they were finishing up, around lunchtime. The couple was sitting down for a breather before they left. The wife suggested to her husband that they go to McDonald's for lunch. She told us with guilty pleasure, "I know it's not good for me, but I just love burgers and fries."
Her husband had a somewhat disgusted look on his face. He told us, in all seriousness, "Not me. I'm a meat and potatoes man."
March 25, 2011 - A Deeper Problem
Little Johnny had been bringing his drawings home from kindergarten every day since he started a month ago. Each day his mother admired the pictures and hung them on the refrigerator. One thing started bothering her. Little Johnny only used black and browns for his drawings. Fearing a problem and not wanting it to get worse, she decided to take him to a child psychologist.
The psychologist delicately went to work. He gave Little Johnny a battery of psychological tests. He chatted with Little Johnny. Everything seemed perfectly normal. Every day for two weeks, the tests continued. Yet everyday, Little Johnny continued to bring home drawings in only blacks and browns.
Frustrated at not being able to get to the root of the problem and fearful that something was terribly wrong, the child psychologist decided to give Little Johnny some paper and a box of crayons and observe what happened.
Little Johnny opened the box of crayons and said, "Oh, Boy! A new box of crayons! At school we only have old boxes. The only ones left in mine are black and brown!"
March 24, 2011 - Tower Time
The Italian government is considering installing a clock in the Leaning Tower of Pisa. The reason? What good is it if you have the inclination, but you don't have the time?
March 23, 2011 - Math Ticket
Rushing to work, I was driving too fast and as a result was pulled over by the highway patrol. The state trooper noticed that my shirt had the name of a local high school on it. "I teach math there," I explained.
The trooper smiled, and said, "Okay, here's a problem. A teacher is speeding down the highway at 16 m.p.h. over the limit. At $12 for every mile, plus $40 court costs, plus the rise in her insurance, what's her total cost?"
I replied, "Taking that total, subtracting the low salary I receive, multiplying by the number of kids who hate math, then adding to that the fact that none of us would be anywhere without teachers, I'd say zero."
He handed me back my license. "Math was never my favorite subject," he admitted. "Please slow down."
March 22, 2011 - Cover All Exits!
During a bank robbery the police chief told the sergeant to cover all exits so the robbers could not get away.
Later the sergeant reports to the chief, "Sorry sir, but they got away."
The chief, very disappointed, says, "I told you to cover all exits."
"I did," replied the sergeant, "But they got away through the entrance."
March 21, 2011 - Do You Think I'll Find…?
A four-year-old was at the pediatrician for a check up. As the doctor looked in her ears, he asked, "Do you think I'll find Big Bird in here?"
The little girl stayed silent.
Next, the doctor took a tongue depressor and looked down her throat. He asked, "Do you think I'll find the Cookie Monster down there?"
Again, the little girl was silent.
Then the doctor put a stethoscope to her chest. As he listened to her heartbeat, he asked, "Do you think I'll hear Barney in there?"
"Oh, no!" the little girl replied. "Jesus is in my heart. Barney's on my underpants."
March 18, 2011 - Stranded on a Desert Island
A ragged individual stranded for several months on a small desert island in the middle of the Pacific Ocean noticed a bottle lying in the sand with a piece of paper in it.
Rushing to the bottle, he pulled out the cork and with shaking hands withdrew the message.
"Due to lack of maintenance," he read, "we regretfully have found it necessary to cancel your e-mail account."
March 17, 2011 - Fishing Mirror
A fisherman from the city was out fishing on a lake in a small boat. He noticed another man in a small boat open his tackle box and take out a mirror. Being curious the man rowed over and asked, "What is the mirror for?"
"That's my secret way to catch fish," said the other man. "Shine the mirror on the top of the water. The fish notice the spot of sun on the water above and they swim to the surface. Then I just reach down and net them and pull them into the boat."
"Wow! Does that really work?"
"You bet it does."
"Would you be interested in selling that mirror? I'll give you $30 for it."
After the money was transferred, the city fisherman asked, "By the way, how many fish have you caught this week?"
"You're the sixth," he said.
March 16, 2011 - Efficiency
An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You don't want to try these techniques at home."
"Why not?" asked somebody from the audience.
"I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained.
"She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, 'Hon, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'"
"Did it save time?" the guy in the audience asked.
"Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in seven."
March 15, 2011 - Electrical Officer
My daughter is an electrical officer on a carrier. Recently I asked her what her duties were. She answered, "To fix electrical problems."
When I asked what was considered an electrical problem on a carrier, she replied, "Anything you can't fix with a hammer."
March 14, 2011 - God Knows Us
A golfer, now into his golden years, had a lifelong ambition to play one hole at Pebble Beach, California the way the pros do it. The pros drive the ball out over the water onto the green that is on a spit of land that juts out off the coast.
It was something he had tried hundreds of times without success. His ball always fell short, into the ocean. Because of this he never used a new ball on this particular hole. He always picked out one that had a cut or a nick.
Recently he went to Pebble Beach to try again. When he came to the fateful hole, he teed up an old cut ball and said a silent prayer.
Before he hit it however, a powerful voice from above said, "WAIT...REPLACE THAT OLD BALL WITH A BRAND-NEW BALL."
He complied, with some slight misgiving, despite the fact that the Lord seemed to be implying that He was going to let him finally achieve his lifelong ambition.
As he stepped up to the tee once more, the voice came down again: "WAIT...STEP BACK... TAKE A PRACTICE SWING."
So he stepped back and took a practice swing.
The voice boomed out again, "TAKE ANOTHER PRACTICE SWING."
He did. Silence followed.
Then the voice spoke out again: "PUT BACK THE OLD BALL."
March 11, 2011 -Weddings and Funerals
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next."
They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
March 10, 2011 -Rock Store
A rock store was closed by the police -- they were taking too much for granite.
March 9, 2011 - Curiosity
Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
Waiting for an elevator at a local hospital, I was standing next to a maintenance person holding a bicycle pump.
Noticing my curious stares, he looked at me and remarked with a smile, "It's the newest HMO oxygen program."
March 8, 2011 - Morning Kiss
A farmer and his wife had just awakened one morning to the crowing of their rooster. While still in bed, the farmer's wife says, "Pa, you know our neighbor Mr. Jones?"
"Yes Ma, I reckon I do," replied the sleepy farmer.
"Well, every morning before he leaves the house for work, he gives his wife a big ol' kiss. Why don't you ever do that? "
The farmer sighed and said, "Well, I reckon I can, but I just don't know her very well."
March 7, 2011 - Best 'Out of Office' Automatic E-mail Replies
1. I am currently out of the office at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Please be prepared for my mood.
2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.
3. Sorry to have missed you, but I'm at the doctor's having my brain and heart removed so I can be promoted to our management team.
4. I will be unable to delete all the e-mails you send me until I return from vacation. Please be patient, and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.
5. Thank you for your e-mail. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first 10 words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.
6. The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection. Your message has not been delivered. Please restart your computer and try sending again. (The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see who did this over and over and over....)
7. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.
8. Hi, I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.
9. I've run away to join a different circus.
March 4, 2011 - Nervousness
Part of my job as a 911 dispatcher is to interrogate callers who are in various states of panic so I can send the appropriate emergency equipment.One day a woman called to say that a family member had fallen and needed to go to a hospital.After finding out where she lived and assuring her that the paramedics would arrive shortly, I asked her, "Do you know what caused the fall?""No," the woman nervously replied. "What?"
March 3, 2011 - Fly Problem
My husband is a doctor, and he received an emergency call from a patient.She had a fly in her ear. He suggested an old home remedy. "Pour warm olive oil into your ear and lie down for a few minutes," he said. "When you lift your head the fly should emerge with the liquid."The patient thought that sounded like a good idea, but she still asked, "Into which ear should I pour the oil?"
March 2, 2011 - Tennis Ball Lesson
A college professor had the mysterious habit of removing a tennis ball from his jacket pocket as he walked into the lecture hall each morning. He would set it on the corner of the podium. After giving the lecture for the day, he would once again pick up the tennis ball, place it into his jacket pocket, and leave the room.No one ever understood why he did this, until one day ...A student fell asleep during the lecture. The professor didn't miss a word of his lecture while he walked over to the podium, picked up the tennis ball, and threw it, hitting the sleeping student squarely on the top of the head.The next day, the professor walked into the room, reached into his jacket, removed a baseball ...
No one ever fell asleep in his class the rest of the semester!
March 1, 2011 - Loudest Band
For two years I managed a group of musicians who proudly labeled themselves "the loudest rock 'n roll band in L.A." One night, during a particularly rowdy and raucous rehearsal, the group took a break. Rubbing one ear, the lead singer asked, "Hey, are you guys losing your hearing?"
The bass player shrugged and, pointing to his forehead, replied, "Well, maybe just a little on top."
Good, Clean Jokes and Funny Stories
Good, Clean Jokes and Funny Stories
While the Bible isn't a joke book, it is obvious that humor played an important role in Hebrew culture. When drought hit Jacob's world he turned to his sons and said, "Why are you staring at one another...Go down [to Egypt] and buy some for us" (Gen 42:1-2). I also hear humor in some of Jesus' remarks, like when He renamed James and John the "sons of thunder" or when He said the Pharisees where like whitewashed tombs, full of dead men's bones (Matt 23). I think we need the picture of Jesus laughing and enjoying people. In fact, while Jesus indeed had many hard things to say, He was also full of emotion, joy and celebration. Even as He rebuked the Pharisees, we see a glimpse of His demeanor in ministry when He scolded them saying, "We played the flute for you, but you would not dance" (Matt 11). There was something very non-religious in Jesus that laughter, celebration and humor is part of. Hopefully, these jokes, stories and quips will help make your day more merry as you walk with the Lord Jesus through this world.