February 28, 2011 - Stolen Goose
Confessor: I have stolen a fat goose from a poultry yard!
Priest: That is very wrong.
Confessor: Would you like to accept it, Father?
Priest: Certainly not- return it to the man whom you stole it from.
Confessor: But I have offered it to him and he won't have it.
Priest: In that case you may keep it yourself.
Confessor: Thank you, Father.
The Priest arrived home to find one of his geese had been stolen...
February 25, 2011 - Special Delivery
It was 6 p.m., and I was about to leave the coin laundry where I was employed. My boss called me over and asked if I would mind dropping off someone's laundry on my way home. "It's for my cousin," she apologized, "who's eight months pregnant and can't get out much anymore." I cheerfully agreed and, driving to the address, knocked at the door. A little girl, the sister-to-be, answered.
"Hi, there," I said with a big smile. "Is your mommy home?" Holding up the white bundle of clothes, I explained, "I have a delivery for her."
The child's mouth dropped, and her eyes went wide. "Mom!" She shrieked, "come quick! It's the stork!"
February 24, 2011 - A Visit From the Pastor
A member of a certain church, who previously had been attending services regularly, suddenly stopped coming to church. After a few weeks, the Pastor decided to visit. The Pastor found the man at home alone, sitting before a blazing fire.
Guessing the reason for his Pastor's visit, the man welcomed him, led him to a comfortable chair near the fireplace and waited. The pastor made himself at home but said nothing. In the grave silence, he contemplated the dance of the flames around the burning logs.
After some minutes, the Pastor took the fire tongs, carefully picked up a brightly burning ember and placed it to one side of the hearth all alone. Then he sat back in his chair, still silent. The host watched all this in quiet contemplation. As the one lone ember's flame flickered and diminished, there was a momentary glow and then its fire was no more. Soon it was cold and lifeless.
The Pastor glanced at his watch and realized it was time to leave, he slowly stood up, picked up the cold, dead ember and placed it back in the middle of the fire. Immediately it began to glow, once more with the light and warmth of the burning coals around it.
As the Pastor reached the door to leave, his host said with a tear running down his cheek, "Thank you so much for your visit and especially for the fiery sermon. I shall be back in church next Sunday."
We live in a world today which tries to say too much with too little. Consequently, few listen.
Sometimes the best sermons are the ones left unspoken. What silent message would God have you share with someone today?
"Let your light shine before men in such a way that they may see your good works and glorify your Father which is in heaven."
~ Matthew 5:16
February 23, 2011 - Inclusive Poster
Anxious to include as many minorities, religions and disabilities as possible, the human resources department of the University of Alberta has put up a Braille poster outside its main office. The poster has been placed inside a display case with a glass front.
This is brought to you by the same geniuses who put Braille instructions on the drive up window at the bank.
February 22, 2011 - Investing Advice
Jim was having reasonable success playing the stock market when George expressed a desire to give it a try.
Jim advised him on what stocks to buy, what to stay clear of, etc. In his list of "pointers" was the fact that George should invest only small sums.
But George threw caution to the wind and six months later, sent an e-mail to Jim. It said, "So much for your pointers. Now, send me some retrievers!"
February 21, 2011 - Biblical Endorsements
What if Biblical characters could be recruited as product endorsers?
For Match.com - Noah: "We can find a mate for anything. Why not you?"
For Excedrin - Moses: "Take two tablets and call me in the morning."
For Dell - Adam and Eve: "No Apples for us. We learned the hard way."
For AARP - Methuselah: "Life begins at 960!
February 18, 2011 - Miracles
A mother was watching her four year-old son playing outside in a small plastic pool half-filled with water. He was happily walking back and forth across the pool, making big splashes.
Suddenly, the little boy stopped, stepped out of the pool, and began to scoop water out of the pool with a pail.
"Why are you pouring the water out, dear?" asked the mother.
"Because my teacher said Jesus walked on water, and this water doesn't work," he replied.
February 17, 2011 - Mirror Honesty
A husband and wife are getting ready for bed. The wife is standing in front of a full length mirror taking a hard look at herself.
"You know, dear," she says, "I look in the mirror and I see an old woman. My face is all wrinkled, every thing else is either sagging or bloated. I've got fat legs, and my arms are all flabby."
She turns to her husband and says, "Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself."
He studies hard for a moment thinking about it and then says in a soft, thoughtful voice, "Well, there's nothing wrong with your eyesight."
Services for the husband will be held Saturday morning at 10:30 AM at Morris Memorial Chapel. Female friends of the family are invited.
February 16, 2011 - Emergency Notification
Employment applications always ask who is to be notified in case of an emergency; I think you should write "911"!
February 15, 2011 - Work Excellence
One of my first assignments as a trainee in an auto-body shop was a car needing a new fender and some door repairs.
I spent hours doing a perfect job, but when the owner came to pick it up, he wasn't pleased.
"What's wrong?" I asked.
Pointing to the side of the car, he complained about the paint not matching, uneven gaps between panels, and a host of other problems. He demanded an explanation.
"The repairs were to the other side," I noted.
February 14, 2011 - Public Servant Sentence
"Write a sentence about a public servant," said the teacher.
The small boy wrote, "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant."
The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked.
"Sure," said the young boy confidently. "It means carrying a child."
February 11, 2011 - An Email From God
One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the evil that was going on. He decided to send an angel down to Earth to check it out. So he called one of His best angels and sent the angel to Earth for a time.
When she returned she told God, yes it is bad on Earth, 95% is bad and 5% is good.
Well, he thought for a moment and said, maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another point of view.
So God called another angel and sent her to Earth for a time too.
When the angel returned she went to God and told him yes, the Earth was in decline, 95% was bad and 5% was good.
God said this was not good. So He decided to email the 5% that were good and He wanted to encourage them, give them a little something to help them keep going.
Do you know what that email said????
You didn't get one either,.....huh?
February 10, 2011 - A Special Hymn
A preacher was completing a temperance sermon; with great expression he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."
With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."
And then finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."
He sat down.
The song leader then stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn # 365: "Shall We Gather at the River."
February 9, 2011 - False Illusions
A man who had died was waiting at heavens gate to enter the kingdom of God. He had lived a perfect life and had a clear idea in his mind what heaven would be like. He had foregone all the earthly pleasures and just knew his rewards were going to be great. He had gone over repeatedly in his mind how much great fun he was going to have in heaven.
As he was waiting, he saw a cloud pass by. As the cloud got closer, he saw people on the cloud having a great time. They were singing, dancing, and having great fun. They were dining on exquisite food, wearing the best clothes, and drinking the best wines, and laughter and merriment echoed through the sky. Yes, that was what he had expected it would be like.
His escort arrived at the gate. The escort told the man that he had lived a good life and he was going to now take him to his new home. The man said, "If it is all the same to you, I would like to live on that cloud!" The escort told the man that it was not possible and that what awaited him was far greater anyway. However, the man persisted so the escort asked him to wait while he went to talk to the "Boss". Upon returning, the escort stated the "Boss" had always allowed people to choose but made it clear that he would be much happier in his originally intended home. The man replied, "I have often thought of what heaven would be like and forgone the pleasures on earth to get my reward here, so if it’s all the same to you, I want to live on that cloud." The escort sighed, and then granted his wish.
In an instant, the man was standing in the hottest, smelliest, and most disgusting place he had ever seen in his whole life. The strange noises were blood curdling and the whole place was chaos. He was in Hell.
An escort arrived to take him to his job. "Job?" the man replied. "Yes, we work hard down here," said the escort. There must be some mistake; the place I requested was a nice cloud with people singing, dancing, and having the best time of their life!" The escort looked puzzled at first and then started laughing hysterically. The man asked why the escort was laughing so hard. The escort replied, "You new people are so funny- you think you can show up here and get an assignment in the advertising department! You think you can get a promotion like that right away!"
February 8, 2011 - The Rich Man
There once was a rich man who was near death. He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him.
An angel heard his plea and appeared to him. "Sorry, but you can't take your wealth with you."
The man begged the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules. The man continued to pray that his wealth could follow him.
The angel reappeared and informed the man that God had decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathered his largest suitcase and filled it with pure gold bars and placed it beside his bed.
Soon afterward, he died and showed up at the gates of heaven to greet St. Peter.
St. Peter, seeing the suitcase, said, "Hold on, you can't bring that in here!"
The man explained to St. Peter that he had permission and asked him to verify his story with the Lord.
Sure enough, St. Peter checked it out, came back and said, "You're right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I'm supposed to check its contents before letting it through."
St. Peter opened the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaimed, "You brought pavement?"
February 7, 2011 - Bathroom Facilities
There was a nice lady, a minister's widow, who was a little old fashioned. She was planning a week's vacation in California at Skylake Yosemite campground (Bass Lake, to the uninitiated), but she wanted to make sure of the accommodation first. Uppermost in her mind were bathroom facilities, but she couldn't bring herself to write "toilet" in a letter. After considerable deliberation, she settled on "bathroom commode," but when she wrote that down, it still sounded too forward, so, after the first page of her letter, she referred to the bathroom commode as "BC." "Does the cabin where I will be staying have its own 'BC'? If not, where is the 'BC' located?" is what she actually wrote.
The campground owner took the first page of the letter and the lady's check and gave it to his secretary. He put the remainder of the letter on the desk of the senior member of his staff without noticing that the staffer would have no way of knowing what "BC" meant. Then the owner went off to town to run some errands.
The staff member came in after lunch, found the letter, and was baffled by the euphemism, so he showed the letter around to several counselors, but they couldn't decipher it either. The staff member's wife, who knew that the lady was the widow of a famous Baptist preacher, was sure that it must be a question about the local Baptist Church. "Of course," the first staffer exclaimed, "'BC' stands for 'Baptist Church.' " And he sat down and wrote:
I regret very much the delay in answering your letter, but I now take the pleasure in informing you that the BC is located nine miles north of the campground and is capable of seating 250 people at one time. I admit it is quite a distance away if you are in the habit of going regularly, but no doubt you will be pleased to know that a great number of people take their lunches along and make a day of it. They usually arrive early and stay late.
The last time my wife and I went was six years ago, and it was so crowded we had to stand up the whole time we were there. It may interest you to know that right now there is a supper planned to raise money to buy more seats. They are going to hold it in the basement of the 'BC.'
I would like to say that it pains me very much not to be able to go more regularly, but it is surely no lack of desire on my part. As we grow older, it seems to be more of an effort, particularly in cold weather.
If you decide to come down to our campground, perhaps I could go with you the first time, sit with you, and introduce you to all the folks. Remember, this is a friendly community."
February 4, 2011 - Swallowed Coins
A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital.
When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, "No change yet."
February 3, 2011 - If you're even half-way old, you will remember when:
* Your computer's ready-mode was a black screen with a single cursor, and there was no such thing as Windows; there was just "DOS."
* Your phone choices and bills were much easier because AT&T was a good old-fashioned monopoly.
* There was this amazing new video game called "Pong" and you thought it had the most advanced graphics imaginable.
* The first true laptop computer was a Radio Shack TRS-80. If you were hip, you referred to it affectionately as a TRASH-80.
* Sean Connery was Pierce Brosnan.
* The astonishing mobility was a cordless phone you could take around the house; it got better reception than the one you can now take all over the country.
* Mail was something you wrote on a piece of paper and put into a stamped envelope. And you didn't get 110 unsolicited pieces of it every morning promising great riches or body enhancements.
* There was a guy on "60 Minutes" named Mike Wallace who was so old you figured he'd retire at the latest by 1990.
* No normal person had speakers on a computer.
* The diners at the next restaurant table were smoking cigarettes and you barely noticed.
* A 1-gig hard drive seemed as big as a warehouse.
* The only thing you knew about Robin Williams was he played a weird alien named "Mork" on television.
* An 8-track tape the size of a paperback book was an advanced concept in compact music recording.
* And jokes were always told in person!
February 2, 2011 - Father Murphy
Father Murphy walked into a pub and said to the first man he met, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
The man replied, "I do Father."
The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."
Then the priest asked a second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.
The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."
Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."
The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."
February 1, 2011 - Well, if it's that obvious to a child...
A man had a habit of grumbling at the food his wife placed before him at family meals. Then he would ask the blessing.
One day after his usual combination complaint-prayer, his little girl asked, "Daddy, does God hear us when we pray?"
"Why, of course," he replied. "He hears us every time we pray."
She pauses on this a moment, and asked, "Does he hear everything we say the rest of the time?"
"Yes, dear, every word," he replied, encouraged that he had inspired his daughter to be curious about spiritual matters.
However, his pride was quickly turned to humility...
"Then which does God believe?"
Good, Clean Jokes and Funny Stories
Good, Clean Jokes and Funny Stories
While the Bible isn't a joke book, it is obvious that humor played an important role in Hebrew culture. When drought hit Jacob's world he turned to his sons and said, "Why are you staring at one another...Go down [to Egypt] and buy some for us" (Gen 42:1-2). I also hear humor in some of Jesus' remarks, like when He renamed James and John the "sons of thunder" or when He said the Pharisees where like whitewashed tombs, full of dead men's bones (Matt 23). I think we need the picture of Jesus laughing and enjoying people. In fact, while Jesus indeed had many hard things to say, He was also full of emotion, joy and celebration. Even as He rebuked the Pharisees, we see a glimpse of His demeanor in ministry when He scolded them saying, "We played the flute for you, but you would not dance" (Matt 11). There was something very non-religious in Jesus that laughter, celebration and humor is part of. Hopefully, these jokes, stories and quips will help make your day more merry as you walk with the Lord Jesus through this world.