November 30 - 2010 - Typing Test
A soldier was asked to report to headquarters for assignment. The sergeant said: "We have a critical shortage of typists. I'll give you a little test. Type this," he ordered, giving him a pamphlet to copy and a sheet of paper, and pointing to a desk across the room that held a typewriter and an adding machine.
The man, quite reluctant to become a clerk typist, made a point of typing very slowly, and saw to it that his work contained as many errors as possible.
The sergeant gave the typed copy only a brief glance.
"That's fine," he said; "Report for work at 8 tomorrow."
"But aren't you going to check the test?" the prospective clerk asked.
The sergeant grinned. "You passed the test," he replied, "when you sat down at the typewriter instead of at the adding machine."
November 26, 2010 - Good News Dewey
Olga phoned her husband, Dewey, at work for a chat.
November 19, 2010 - Altar Call
A minister was planning a wedding at the close of the Sunday morning service.
After the benediction he had planned to call the couple down to be married for a brief ceremony before the congregation.
For the life of him, he couldn't think of the names of those who were to be married.
"Will those wanting to get married please come to the front?" he requested.
Immediately, nine single ladies, three widows, four widowers, and six single men stepped to the front.
November 18, 2010 - Experience
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
November 17, 2010 - Long Marriages
On their 50th wedding anniversary and during the banquet celebrating it, Tom was asked to give his friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration.
"Tell us Tom, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your wife?"
Tom responds, "Well, I've learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, meekness, forbearance, self-restraint, forgiveness -- and a great many other qualities you wouldn't have needed if you'd stayed single."
November 16, 2010 - The Patch
During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed his doctor that he was having trouble with one of his medications.
"Which one?", asked the doctor. "The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!"
The doctor had him quickly undress and discovered what he hoped he wouldn't see....Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!
Now the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
November 15, 2010 - Importance
In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him.
November 12, 2010 - Professor Turns Plumber
A professor of mathematics noticed that his kitchen sink at his home leaked. He called a plumber. The plumber came the next day and sealed a few screws, and everything was working as before.
The professor was delighted. However, when the plumber gave him the bill a minute later, he was shocked.
"This is one-third of my monthly salary!" he yelled.
Well, all the same he paid it and then the plumber said to him, "I understand your position as a professor. Why don't you come to our company and apply for a plumber position? You will earn three times as much as a professor. But remember, when you apply, tell them that you completed only seven elementary classes. They don't like educated people."
So it happened. The professor got a job as a plumber and his life significantly improved. He just had to seal a screw or two occasionally, and his salary went up significantly.
One day, the board of the plumbing company decided that every plumber had to go to evening classes to complete the eighth grade. So, our professor had to go there too. It just happened that the first class was math. The evening teacher, to check students' knowledge, asked for a formula for the area of a circle. The person asked was the professor. He jumped to the board, and then he realized that he had forgotten the formula. He started to reason it, and he filled the white board with integrals, differentials, and other advanced formulas to conclude the result he forgot. As a result, he got "minus pi times r square."
He didn't like the minus, so he started all over again. He got the minus again. No matter how many times he tried, he always got a minus. He was frustrated. He gave the class a frightened look and saw all the plumbers whisper: "Switch the limits of the integral!!"
November 11 2010 - Untouched for 600 Years
A group of American tourists were being guided through an ancient castle in Europe.
"This place," the guide told them, "is 600 years old. Not a stone in it has been touched, nothing altered, nothing replaced in all those years."
"Wow," said one woman dryly, "they must have the same landlord I do."
November 10, 2010 - Resignation Letter
Asked why she was leaving her position, a secretary explained in her letter of resignation:
"Dear Boss, My reason for leaving will soon be apparent - and so will I.
November 9, 2010 - Mondays
You may not like Mondays, but they are one-seventh of your life.
November 8, 2010 - Hesitation
He who hesitates is not only lost but is miles from the next exit.
November 5, 2010 - Experts
On a flight to Florida, Mary was preparing notes for one of the parent education seminars she conducted.
The elderly woman sitting next to Mary explained that she was returning to Miami after having spent two weeks visiting her 6 children, 18 grandchildren and 10 great-grandchildren in Boston. Then she inquired what Mary did for a living.
Mary told her that she was an educational psychologist, fully expecting the elderly woman to question her for free professional advice.
Instead the elderly woman sat back and said, "If there's anything you want to know, just ask me."
November 4, 2010 - Tailing Truck
A large truck was tailing my son as he drove through town with his girlfriend. The truck matched them turn for turn, down every street.
My son's concern grew to alarm when the menacing-looking driver pulled next to him at a light, leaned out his window, and glared into his car.
After a long, hard stare, the man grinned and called to my son, "Sorry, kid, I thought that was my daughter."
November 3, 2010 - Terror Cells in Church
Latest news reports are that five terrorist cell groups have been operating in many of our churches. They have been identified as: Bin Sleepin, Bin Arguin, Bin Fightin, Bin Complainin, and Bin Missin. Their leader, Lucifer Bin Workin, trained these groups to destroy the Body of Christ. The plan is to come into the church disguised as Christians and to work within the church to discourage, disrupt, and destroy.
However, there have been reports of a sixth group. A tiny cell known by the name Bin Prayin is actually the only effective counter terrorism force in the church. Unlike other terrorist cells, the Bin Prayin team does not blend in with whoever and whatever comes along. Bin Prayin does whatever is needed to uplift and encourage the Body of Christ. We have noticed that the Bin Prayin cell group has different characteristics than the others. They have Bin Watchin, Bin Waitin, Bin Fastin, and Bin Longin for their Master, Jesus Christ, to return.
NO CHURCH IS EXEMPT!
(However, you can spot them if you bin lookin and bin goin.)
November 2, 2010 - CD Sleeves
My daughter Lili was five when she received a foam CD holder with plastic sleeves for all her music CDs. I explained to her that CDs are sensitive to light and heat, so she should not leave the holder in the sun.
During our home addition, the electrician was working in the backyard and Lili had gone to play in the sandbox, leaving her new CD holder on the patio table. My wife saw it and told Lili she was going to put it in the house.
Lili stood up in the sandbox and said, "Mommy, make sure you put it where the sun doesn't shine!"
The electrician took a break.
November 1, 2010 - Answering Machine Callbacks
I purchased a telephone-answering machine with a prerecorded message that used a male voice. When Mother returned from vacation, I forgot to mention it to her.
The next Saturday, the phone rang and the machine answered. After the message, there was a pause and the caller hung up. A second time and the same result.
Then the phone rang a third time. I heard, "This is your mother, I think. If I am, please call me."
Good, Clean Jokes and Funny Stories
Good, Clean Jokes and Funny Stories
While the Bible isn't a joke book, it is obvious that humor played an important role in Hebrew culture. When drought hit Jacob's world he turned to his sons and said, "Why are you staring at one another...Go down [to Egypt] and buy some for us" (Gen 42:1-2). I also hear humor in some of Jesus' remarks, like when He renamed James and John the "sons of thunder" or when He said the Pharisees where like whitewashed tombs, full of dead men's bones (Matt 23). I think we need the picture of Jesus laughing and enjoying people. In fact, while Jesus indeed had many hard things to say, He was also full of emotion, joy and celebration. Even as He rebuked the Pharisees, we see a glimpse of His demeanor in ministry when He scolded them saying, "We played the flute for you, but you would not dance" (Matt 11). There was something very non-religious in Jesus that laughter, celebration and humor is part of. Hopefully, these jokes, stories and quips will help make your day more merry as you walk with the Lord Jesus through this world.