October 29, 2010 - Medical Bill Call
Many patients call the pathology group where I am office manager to discuss their medical bills. One irate woman demanded that I describe every laboratory test on her statement.
Reluctantly, I complied. Starting with the first test on her bill, I read, "No. 1, urinalysis."
She interrupted me at once. "I'm a what?"
October 28, 2010 - Children Shopping
My first grade daughter and her friend both needed new boots as winter approached. The friend got in the car one morning and finally had gotten her boots.
"Beth," I commented, "I see you got new boots. Where did you get them?"
"At the store," she answered.
"Which one?" I asked.
She began looking at her new boots and after a pause said, "Both of them."
October 27, 2010 - Recall
Today on the way to work, I thought I saw a headline that read "Beer Recall." It actually should have read "Beef Recall." The story explained the discovery of mad cow disease in the United States. Mad cow disease is a condition that causes wasting away of the brain, leading to dementia, loss of coordination, and death.
Now, will somebody please explain to me why they're not recalling beer?
October 26, 2010 - Artist's Sketch
Artist Pablo Picasso surprised a burglar at work in his new chateau. The intruder got away, but Picasso told the police he could do a rough sketch of what he looked like.
On the basis of his drawing, the police arrested a mother superior, the minister of finance, a washing machine, and the Eiffel tower.
October 25, 2010 - Check My Leg
A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, you gotta check my leg. Something's wrong. Just put your ear up to my thigh, you'll hear it!"
The doctor cautiously placed his ear to the man's thigh only to hear: "Gimme 20 bucks, I really need 20 bucks."
"That's amazing!" exclaims the doctor.
"That's nothing, Doc. Put your ear to my knee."
The doctor put his ear to the man's knee and heard it say: "Man, I really need 10 dollars, just lend me 10 bucks!"
The doctor was dumbfounded. "Sir, I really don't know what to tell you. I've never come across anything like this."
"Wait Doc, that's not all. There's more, just put your ear to my ankle," the man urged.
The doctor did so and was blown away to hear his ankle plead: "Please, I just need 5 dollars. Only 5 bucks. Please!!"
"I have no idea what to tell you," the doctor said. He frantically searched all his medical reference books. "There's nothing about it in here."
The doctor thought hard for a moment and then said, "Let me try to make a well educated guess. Based on all my previous experience, I can tell you this much: your leg seems to be broke in three places."
October 22, 2010 - Water
The best way to keep your kids out of hot water is to put some dishes in it.
October 21, 2010 - The King's Highway
Once a king had a great highway built for the members of his kingdom. After it was completed, but before it was opened to the public, the king decided to have a contest. He invited as many as desired to participate. Their challenge was to see who could travel the highway the best.
On the day of the contest the people came. Some of them had fine chariots, some had fine clothing, fine hairdos, or great food. Some young men came in their track clothes and ran along the highway. People traveled the highway all day, but each one, when he arrived at the end, complained to the king that there was a large pile of rocks and debris left on the road at one spot and this got in their way and hindered their travel.
At the end of the day, a lone traveler crossed the finish line warily and walked over to the king. He was tired and dirty, but he addressed the king with great respect and handed him a bag of gold. he explained, "I stopped along the way to clear a pile of rocks and debris that was blocking the road. This bag of gold was under it all. I want you to return it to its rightful owner."
The king replied, "You are the rightful owner."
The traveler replied, "Oh no, this is not mine. I've never known such money."
"Oh yes," said the king, "you've earned this gold, for you won my contest. He who travels the road best is he who makes the road smoother for those who will follow."
October 20, 2010 - Two Keys
Two keys were hanging in the undertaker's office - one for the organ in the chapel; the other one was for the flower car in the garage.
Two small signs were above the keys; one read "Hymn" and the other "Hearse."
October 19, 2010 - Tattoo Call
I couldn't help overhearing a man at a nearby pay phone. "I know it's something you want," he said earnestly, "but I don't think tattoos are a good idea. And the same goes for body piercing. As long as you're living in my house, I think you should respect my wishes."
I was secretly cheering him on for his fatherly firmness.
Then came the 'coup de grace': "Besides, Mom, you're 75 years old! You don't need a tattoo!"
October 18, 2010 - People and Mistakes
People who do lots of work...
make lots of mistakes
People who do less work...
make less mistakes
People who do no work...
make no mistakes
People who make no mistakes...
That's why I spend most of my time sending e-mails & playing games at work.
I need a promotion
October 15, 2010 - Brand Name Cereal
General Mills makes Corn Chex, Rice Chex, etc.
If the Post company bought these brands, then I have a new product for them.
Take some Wheat Chex, add pieces of fresh dates and a little cinnamon and sugar, and voila!
New, Post Dated Chex!
October 14, 2010 - Wrinkles
You know you're old when you reach down to get the wrinkles out of your panty hose and realize you aren't wearing any.
October 13, 2010 - Wrong Number
There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4 AM.
It could be a right number.
October 12, 2010 - Knowledge Pills
A somewhat advanced society has figured how to package basic knowledge in pill form.
A student, needing some learning, goes to the pharmacy and asks what kind of knowledge pills are available.
The pharmacist says, "Here's a pill for English literature."
The student takes the pill and swallows it and has new knowledge about English literature! "What else do you have?" asks the student.
"Well, I have pills for art history, biology, and world history," replies the pharmacist.
The student asks for these, swallows them, and has new knowledge about those subjects. Then the student asks, "Do you have a pill for math?"
The pharmacist says, "Wait just a moment," and goes back into the storeroom. He brings back a whopper of a pill and plunks it on the counter.
"I have to take that huge pill for math?" inquires the student.
The pharmacist replies, "Well, you know... math always was a little hard to swallow."
October 11, 2010 - Pet Chiropractor
What do you call a chiropractor for pets?
An animal cracker
October 8, 2010 - Following the Crowd
Once a spider built a beautiful web in an old house. He kept it clean and shiny so that flies would patronize it. The minute he got a "customer" he would clean up on him so the other flies would not get suspicious. Then one day this fairly intelligent fly came buzzing by the clean spider web.
Old man spider called out, "Come in and sit."
But the fairly intelligent fly said, "No, sir. I don't see other flies in your house, and I am not going in alone!"
But presently he saw on the floor below a large crowd of flies dancing around on a piece of brown paper. He was delighted! He was not afraid if lots of flies were doing it. So he came in for a landing.
Just before he landed, a bee zoomed by, saying, "Don't land there, stupid! That's flypaper!"
But the fairly intelligent fly shouted back, "Don't be silly. Those flies are dancing. There's a big crowd there. Everybody's doing it. That many flies can't be wrong!"
Well, you know what happened. He died on the spot. Some of us want to be with the crowd so badly that we end up in a mess.
What does it profit a fly (or a person) if he escapes the web only to end up in the glue?
October 7, 2010 - Favorite Animal
Our teacher asked us what our favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."
She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right; everyone else in the class laughed.
My parents told me to always be truthful and honest, and I am. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef.
Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed too. Then he told me not to do it again.
The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, just like she'd asked the other children. So I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the principal's office again. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.
I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am. Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most.
I told her, "Colonel Sanders."
Guess where I am now...
October 6, 2010 - Management vs. Solutions
After moving in to our new office space, I was given the job of completing an Occupational Health and Safety report about the building. I discovered that the building had been built with no fire exit!
If a fire starts at the entrance, the only way out would be to smash through the manager's office window. So I put these comments down and submitted my report to the manager before it got sent to head office.
In all seriousness he added the following comment to the head office about smashing the window, "Please confirm that this is an acceptable option by returning your approval."
October 5, 2010 - Makeovers
In dire need of a beauty make-over, I went to my salon with a fashion magazine photo of a gorgeous, young, lustrous-haired model. I showed the stylist the trendy new cut I wanted and settled into the chair as he began humming a catchy tune and got to work on my thin, graying hair.
I was delighted by his cheerful attitude until I recognized the melody. It was the theme from "Mission: Impossible."
October 4, 2010 - Driving Around
I tell you, men drivers are a hazard to traffic. Driving to work this morning on Highway 11 from Albert Street, I looked over to my left and there's this man in a Mustang doing 95 miles per hour with his face up next to his rear view mirror.... shaving!!!
I looked away for a couple of seconds and when I looked back, he's halfway over in my lane.
It scared me so bad I almost dropped my eye liner pencil in my coffee.
October 1, 2010 - Buffalo
Back in the 1960s, one animal rights group was outraged that open season had been declared on the great American buffalo to help thin the herd in and near some of our national parks. They began herding the buffalo (by helicopter) into holding pens. The buffalo would then be loaded onto railroad cars and shipped to places where there were no buffalo.
One very smart buffalo named Gus decided that the holding pen was not the place for him, so he staged a mutiny.
Gus and ten of his fellow buffalo decided to make a break for it. They burst the gate of the holding pen and were free at last.
Early the next morning, they heard the sound of helicopters, so they hid. Deciding it was too dangerous to stay in the park area, they headed south, toward Dallas, Texas. Grazing was not so good, so they came on farther south toward Houston.
While at the Johnson Space Center, they learned about Cape Canaveral. The pictures were great: plenty of water, plenty of grass, and no helicopters. Gus and his friends headed for Florida.
They found the Cape and grazed to their hearts' content each day. As they grazed, a rocket was being readied for launch on a nearby pad. The order came for the area to be evacuated of all living animals.
Gus and his friends continued to graze. To get them out of the area (for their own safety), NASA sent in helicopters to round up the buffalo. Gus and his friends recognized the sound and began running. They took cover under the rocket. They saw a man walking near the pad, so they climbed the tower and into the top stage of the rocket, which was about to go into orbit.
Since no one knew where the buffalo were, NASA assumed they were clear of the area and continued the countdown.
As the rocket lifted off, Gus and his friends became the "First herd shot around the world."
Good, Clean Jokes and Funny Stories
Good, Clean Jokes and Funny Stories
While the Bible isn't a joke book, it is obvious that humor played an important role in Hebrew culture. When drought hit Jacob's world he turned to his sons and said, "Why are you staring at one another...Go down [to Egypt] and buy some for us" (Gen 42:1-2). I also hear humor in some of Jesus' remarks, like when He renamed James and John the "sons of thunder" or when He said the Pharisees where like whitewashed tombs, full of dead men's bones (Matt 23). I think we need the picture of Jesus laughing and enjoying people. In fact, while Jesus indeed had many hard things to say, He was also full of emotion, joy and celebration. Even as He rebuked the Pharisees, we see a glimpse of His demeanor in ministry when He scolded them saying, "We played the flute for you, but you would not dance" (Matt 11). There was something very non-religious in Jesus that laughter, celebration and humor is part of. Hopefully, these jokes, stories and quips will help make your day more merry as you walk with the Lord Jesus through this world.