August 31, 2010 - Balogna Fly
A fly was buzzing along one morning when he saw a lawn mower someone had left out in their front yard. He flew over and sat on the handle, watching the children going down the sidewalk on their way to school.
One little boy tripped on a crack and fell, spilling his lunch on the sidewalk. He picked himself up, put his lunch back in the bag and went on. But he missed a piece of bologna.
The fly had not eaten that morning and he sure was hungry. So he flew down and started eating the bologna. In fact he ate so much that he could not fly, so he waddled across the sidewalk, across the lawn, up the wheel of the lawn mower, up the handle, and sat there resting and watching the children.
There was still some bologna laying there on the sidewalk. He was really stuffed, but that baloney sure did look good.
Finally temptation got the best of him and he jumped off the handle of the lawn mower to fly over to the baloney. But alas he was too full to fly and he went splat!!, killing him instantly.
The moral of the story: Don't fly off the handle when you are full of baloney.
August 30, 2010 - Doctor Scream
While sitting on the train one day, the man next to me started screaming, "Call me a doctor! Call me a doctor!"
I asked, "Are you sick?"
"No," he replied, "I just graduated from medical school."
August 27, 2010 - Finch Flush
When my youngest son was three years old, one of his finches died. It was winter so we couldn't bury the bird, so I flushed it down the toilet. I didn't realize that he had seen me do this until I heard him crying behind me. Trying to make him feel better, I told him that his bird was with God now.
He stopped crying, looked at me a bit bewildered, and asked, "God is in the toilet?"
August 26, 2010 - Softball in Heaven?...
Two 90-year-old women, Rose and Barb had been friends all of their lives. When it was clear that Rose was dying, Barb visited her every day.
One day Barb said, 'Rose, we both loved playing women's softball all our lives, and we played all through High School. Please do me one favor: when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's women's softball there.'
Rose looked up at Barb from her deathbed and said, 'Barb, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favor for you.' Shortly after that, Rose passed on.
A few nights later, Barb was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to her, 'Barb, Barb.'
'Who is it', asked Barb, sitting up suddenly. 'Who is it?'
'Barb -- it's me, Rose.'
'You're not Rose. Rose just died.'
'I'm telling you, it's me, Rose,' insisted the voice.
'Rose! Where are you?'
'In Heaven,' replied Rose. 'I have some really good news and a little bad news.'
'Tell me the good news first,' said Barb.
'The good news,' Rose said, 'is that there's softball in Heaven. Better yet all of our old buddies who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always springtime, and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play softball all we want, and we never get tired.'
'That's fantastic,' said Barb. 'It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?'
'You're pitching Tuesday.'
August 25, 2010 - Restaurant Line
A well-put together, elderly gentleman left his Maserati Gran Turismo with the valet, entered the restaurant and asked to be seated at a table away from a lovely, well-dressed woman who appeared to be in her well-kept eighties.
August 24, 2010 - Saving and Losing
Nothing you will ever lose matters much if you save your soul; nothing you will ever save matters if you lose your soul.
August 23, 2010 - Court Wisdom
Several women, each trying to one-up the other, appeared in court, each accusing the others of causing the trouble they were having in the apartment building where they lived.
The judge, with Solomon-like wisdom decreed, "Okay, I'm ready to hear the evidence. I'll hear from the oldest person first."
The case was dismissed for lack of testimony.
August 20, 2010 - Big Toe Tingle
A young man, fresh out of college, went to see his doctor one day.
"Doc, there's something wrong with me. Every time I stand in a baby's high chair and face southwest, and then touch my tongue to a piece of aluminum foil that's wrapped around an acorn, I get a strange tingle in my big toe. Can you tell me what the problem is?"
"Sure!" The doctor said. "You have way too much time on your hands ... get a job!"
August 19, 2010 - Deep Water
A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.
August 18, 2010 - Recycling
My friend's father is a locksmith in a resort town. Once he saw a group of beach goers park near his shop and dump trash from their car on his property.
As soon as they were out of sight and walking toward the beach, the locksmith picked the lock on their car door, put the garbage back inside and relocked the car.
August 17, 2010 - Lit Match
On my first day working at the gas station, I watched a senior co-worker measure the level of gasoline in the under-ground tanks by lowering a giant measuring stick down into them.
"What would happen if I threw a lit match into the hole?" I joked.
"It would go out," he replied very matter-of-factly.
"Really?" I asked, surprised to hear that. "Is there a lack of oxygen down there or some safety device that would extinguish it before the fumes ignited?"
"No," my co-worker continued. "The force from the explosion would blow out the match."
August 16, 2010 - Church Funeral
A new Pastor in a small Oklahoma town spent the first four days making personal visits to each of the members, inviting them to come to his first services. The following Sabbath the church was all but empty. Accordingly, the Pastor placed a notice in the local newspapers, stating that, because the church was dead, it was everyone's duty to give it a decent Christian burial.
The funeral would be held the following Sabbath afternoon, the notice said.
Morbidly curious, a large crowd turned out for the "funeral." In front of the pulpit, they saw a closed coffin, smothered in flowers. After the Pastor delivered the eulogy, he opened the coffin and invited his congregation to come forward and pay their final respects to their dead church.
Filled with curiosity as to what would represent the corpse of a "dead church," all the people eagerly lined up to look in the coffin. Each "mourner" peeped into the coffin then quickly turned away with a guilty, sheepish look. In the coffin, tilted at the correct angle, was a large mirror.
August 13, 2010 - Suspicion
One of my students could not take my college seminar final exam because of a funeral. "No problem," I told him. "Make it up the following week."
That week came, and again he couldn't take the test due to another funeral.
"You'll have to take the test early next week," I insisted; "I can't keep postponing it."
"I'll take the test next week if no one dies," he told me.
By now I was suspicious. "How can you have so many people you know pass away in three weeks?" I asked.
"I don't know any of these people," he said. "I'm the only gravedigger in town."
August 12, 2010 - The Bar vs. The Baptists
In a small midwestern conservative town, a business owner began to construct a building for a new bar. The local Baptist church started a campaign to block the bar from opening with petitions and prayers.
Work progressed, however, right up until the week before opening, when a lightning strike hit the bar and it burned to the ground.
The church folks were rather smug in their outlook after that, until the bar owner sued the church on the grounds that the church was ultimately responsible for the demise of his building, either through direct or indirect actions or means.
In its reply to the court, the church vehemently denied all responsibility or any connection to the building's demise.
As the case made its way into court, the judge looked over the paperwork at the hearing and commented, "I don't know how I'm going to decide this, but as it appears from the paperwork, we have a bar owner who believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that doesn't!"
August 11, 2010 - Learning Curve
This insurance company's contract with a government agency had just expired, and a technician fielded the call from an agency bureaucrat reminding him that he needed to destroy the agency-provided software.
"I agreed that we would delete the software from the mainframe computer," said the tech.
The reply? "That's not good enough -- the software must be destroyed."
"How do you destroy software?" the tech asked. But the agency guy couldn't give specifics. "He just kept insisting that deleting the software was not enough -- we must destroy the software!"
The tech finally suggested that he copy the software onto a tape cartridge, have a steamroller roll over it, and send the flattened tape cartridge to the agency.
The steamroller was on site because a company was repaving the parking lot. The tech suggested the idea because of frustration with the construction in the parking lot -- and frustration with the government employee who did not seem to have a clue about the nature of software.
He put the flattened cartridge, at least all the pieces worth picking up, and the crushed tape into a padded envelope and mailed it to the government agency, to the bureaucrat's attention.
The tech received a sincere thank you from the agency.
August 10, 2010 - Career Training
The proprietor of a small village drugstore was called out one sleepy summer morning, leaving the establishment temporarily under the sole management of a very young, and very uneducated, clerk.
"Just answer the phone if it rings, Jim," instructed the proprietor.
The phone rang.
"Hello," said the clerk.
"Do you have streptomycin and aureomycin?" asked a voice at the other end.
The clerk scratched his head, then said, "Ma'am, when I said 'Hello' I told you everything I know!"
August 9, 2010 - Worst Decision Yet
A king was quite concerned about a decision he had just made, so much so that he went to his chief advisor to ask his opinion of it.
"Yeah, I'd say it's your worst decision yet," the plain-talking advisor replied.
Confused, the king asked, "Yet?"
To which the advisor replied, "Well, it's not so bad that I think you're incapable of making a worse decision."
August 6, 2010 - Cooking for Tom
It's fun to cook for Tom. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls.
Tom wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing. So I didn't dress. What a surprise when Tom brought a friend home for supper.
A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It seemed kind of silly, but I took a bath anyway. I can't say it improved the rice any.
Today Tom asked for salad. I tried a new recipe. It said prepare ingredients; lay on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving. Tom asked me why I was rolling around in the garden.
I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put the ingredients in a bowl and beat it. There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as when I left.
Tom did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday. I don't have any clothes that fit it, and for some reason Tom keeps counting to ten.
Tom's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast, but all I had was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius. I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment.
GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY. This has been a very exciting week! I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on Tom. If I can talk Tom into buying a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with a chocolate moose.
August 5, 2010 - Caught on the Job
The new army recruit was given guard duty at 2 A.M. He did his best for a while, but at about 4 A.M. he went to sleep. He awakened to find the officer of the day standing before him.
Remembering the heavy penalty for being asleep on guard duty, this smart young man kept his head bowed for another moment and looked upward and reverently said, "A-a-a-men!"
August 4, 2010 - New Bank Teller
First man: "I hear the First National Bank is looking for a new teller."
Second man: "I thought they just hired a new teller last week."
First man: "Right. That's the one they're looking for."
August 3, 2010 - Family Cleaning
Unexpected guests were on the way, and my mother, an impeccable housekeeper, rushed around straightening up. She put my father and brother to work cleaning the guest bathroom.
Later, when she went to inspect it, she was surprised that the once-cluttered room had been tidied up so quickly. Then she saw the note on the closed shower curtains.
It read, "Thank you for not looking in the bathtub."
August 2, 2010 - Changing Times
While I was employed by a private corporation and assigned to the space-shuttle program, my job included ordering supplies.
One of the engineers asked me to get a new dictionary for him. The request form said, "State reason this item is needed," so I asked him why he wanted one.
I expected his answer would be "My old copy is lost" or "The cover is falling off." Instead he replied, "My edition defines spaceship as an 'imaginary aircraft.'"
He got his new dictionary.
Good, Clean Jokes and Funny Stories
Good, Clean Jokes and Funny Stories
While the Bible isn't a joke book, it is obvious that humor played an important role in Hebrew culture. When drought hit Jacob's world he turned to his sons and said, "Why are you staring at one another...Go down [to Egypt] and buy some for us" (Gen 42:1-2). I also hear humor in some of Jesus' remarks, like when He renamed James and John the "sons of thunder" or when He said the Pharisees where like whitewashed tombs, full of dead men's bones (Matt 23). I think we need the picture of Jesus laughing and enjoying people. In fact, while Jesus indeed had many hard things to say, He was also full of emotion, joy and celebration. Even as He rebuked the Pharisees, we see a glimpse of His demeanor in ministry when He scolded them saying, "We played the flute for you, but you would not dance" (Matt 11). There was something very non-religious in Jesus that laughter, celebration and humor is part of. Hopefully, these jokes, stories and quips will help make your day more merry as you walk with the Lord Jesus through this world.