Good, Clean Jokes and Funny Stories


Good, Clean Jokes and Funny Stories


While the Bible isn't a joke book, it is obvious that humor played an important role in Hebrew culture. When drought hit Jacob's world he turned to his sons and said, "Why are you staring at one another...Go down [to Egypt] and buy some for us" (Gen 42:1-2). I also hear humor in some of Jesus' remarks, like when He renamed James and John the "sons of thunder" or when He said the Pharisees where like whitewashed tombs, full of dead men's bones (Matt 23). I think we need the picture of Jesus laughing and enjoying people. In fact, while Jesus indeed had many hard things to say, He was also full of emotion, joy and celebration. Even as He rebuked the Pharisees, we see a glimpse of His demeanor in ministry when He scolded them saying, "We played the flute for you, but you would not dance" (Matt 11). There was something very non-religious in Jesus that laughter, celebration and humor is part of. Hopefully, these jokes, stories and quips will help make your day more merry as you walk with the Lord Jesus through this world.

Francis

September 2009

September 30, 2009 - Diary of A House Husband
This week I am at home & playing house husband. My wife left a list of things I need to do. This is soooooo easy I thought I would share it with you.

1). Make the beds...... What a waste of effort, we're only going to sleep in them again tonight. Forget that Scratch one.

2). Pick up dog poop in yard....... It snowed last night, I don't see any dog poop, kids do you see any dog poop? Scratch two.

3). Drop your shirts off at the cleaners....... Duhh I'm on vacation I don't need them. Scratch three. This is easy, what's the fuss. Think I'll go on the computer for a while.

4). Clean out Tupperware cabinet....... Uhhhh that's a hard one. GOT IT, velcro on the door will keep them closed. Scratch four.

5). Mop kitchen floor..... The dog licked up that sugar spill from breakfast, floor looks clean to me. Scratch five. Good doggie go play in the yard. She just loves rolling in the snow.

6). Find something fun for the kids to do..... That tinfoil in the microwave thing was kinda fun. Scratch six. This is way too easy I'll have lots of time for the computer

7). Vacuum the carpets...... That's a hard one....... Hey kids wanna have some more FUN. Scratch seven.

8). Feed kids lunch..... Hey kids, don't you have a friends house to go too?  YESSSS Scratch eight !!

9). Clean out hallway closet...... Hmmmm another hard one. That's it, take enough out of the closet to close the door. Outta sight outta mind. Hmmmm this other stuff can go under a bed. Scratch nine. Boy O Boy am I good, lunch time. Pour some chili into the cracker bag & eat. Taaa daaa no lunch dishs

10). Do laundry..... no problem I can do that while I'm on the computer Scratch ten.

11). Fold laundry..... Ya know I never noticed how many pink things this family actually wears. Gonna have to ask da little lady why she buys me pale pink underwear??
Check this out a cashmere barbie sweater, cool. Scratch eleven.

12) Put the laundry away.... Baskets in bedrooms work for me. Scratch twelve. This is way too easy. Wonder why women always complain about house work???

13). Water the Christmas tree... Oppp's good thing the carpet is absorbent.
Scratch thirteen.

14). Grocery shopping, Buy toilet paper....... These old newspapers will do, besides, that's recycling & that's good for the earth.... Scratch fourteen.

15). Pick up the kids ...... Yeah right; we're talking about my kidshere.
Parents will normally pay to drop them back off. They'll be back.Scratch fifteen. Wonder who's on the computer. I have plenty of time.

16). Make dinner..... Easy, "Hello do you deliver ? uhhh double that, Ya know we will need more dinner tomorrow". Scratch sixteen.

17). Clean out the dog house...... duhh the dog sleeps in our bed, Like that needs to be done. Scratch seventeen. WOW all done. Still time for some more puter & a nap.......Man this is sooooo easy.


September 29, 2009 - Navajo Wisdom
About 1969 or so, a NASA team doing work for the Apollo moon mission took the astronauts near Tuba City where the terrain of the Navajo Reservation looks very much like the Lunar surface.

Along with all the trucks and large vehicles, there were two large figures dressed in full Lunar spacesuits.

Nearby a Navajo sheep herder and his son were watching the strange creatures walk about, occasionally being tended by personnel. The two Navajo people were noticed and approached by the NASA personnel. Since the man did not know English, his son asked for him what the strange creatures were and the NASA people told them that they are just men that are getting ready to go to the moon. The man became very excited and asked if he could send a message to the moon with the astronauts.

The NASA personnel thought this was a great idea so they rustled up a tape recorder. After the man gave them his message, they asked his son to translate. His son would not.

Later, they tried a few more people on the reservation to translate and every person they asked would chuckle and then refuse to translate. Finally, with cash in hand, someone translated the message, "Watch out for these guys, they come to take your land."


September 28, 2009 - Why Don't I see You?
A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and as always the preacher was standing at the door shaking hands as the congregation departed.

He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside.

The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"

My friend replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor."

Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except for Christmas and Easter?"

He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service."


September 25, 2009 - Because I am A Guy...
..I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I'll miss a whole show looking for it, though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator.

..when I lock my keys in the car, I will fiddle with a wire clothes hanger and ignore your suggestions that we call road service until long after hypothermia has set in. Oh, and when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another guy shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start."

..when I catch a cold I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't an issue.

..I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk, or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "Cumin" or "Tofu." For all I know these are the same thing. And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up a copy of "Cosmo" or "Better Homes & Gardens."

..when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.

..I don't think we're all that lost, and no, I don't think we should stop and ask someone. Why would you listen to a complete stranger--how could HE know where we're going?

..you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't.

..I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?

September 24, 2009 - Cake Baking for Mom's of Small Children
Preheat oven, get out utensils and ingredients.
Remove blocks and toy cars from table.
Grease pan, crack nuts.
Measure two cups flour.
Remove baby's hands from flour, wash flour off baby.
Remeasure flour.
Put flour, baking powder, salt in sifter.
Get dustpan and brush up pieces of bowl baby knocked on floor.
Get another bowl.
Answer doorbell.
Return to kitchen.
Remove baby's hands from bowl.
Wash baby.
Answer phone.
Return.
Remove 1/4 inch salt from greased pan.
Look for baby.
Grease another pan.
Answer telephone.
Return to kitchen and find baby.
Remove baby's hands from bowl.
Take up greased pan, find layer of nutshells in it.
Head for baby, who flees, knocking bowl off table.
Wash kitchen floor, table, wall, dishes.
Call baker.
Lie down.


September 23, 2009 - Waking Up Mad
One day a man took the train from Paris to Frankfurt. When he got in he said to the ticket man: "Sir. I really need you to do me a favor, I have to get out of this train in Mannheim, but I'm very tired and it is for sure that I will fall asleep. So what I want you to do is that you wake me up in Mannheim because I have to close a business deal there and it is very important for me. Here you have 100 francs for the favor. But I warn you to know sometimes when people wake me up I get really violent, but no matter what I do or say you got to get me out of this train in Mannheim. Is that clear?"

So the ticket man agreed and took the 100 francs.

Later as the man had said he fall asleep, and when he woke up he realized that he was in Frankfurt. He was so mad at the ticket man that he ran over and started yelling at him. "Are you STUPID or something??? I paid you 100 francs so that you wake me up in Mannheim. And you didn't I want my money back ."

While the man was yelling at the ticket guy, two other guys who were also in the train were looking at them. One turned to the other and said, "Look at this guy he is mad!"

Guy 2 replied, "Yeah, almost as mad as the guy they made get out of the train in Mannheim."


September 22, 2009 - You Know You're Really A Mom When . . .

1. You count the sprinkles on each kid's cupcake to make sure they're equal.

2. You want to take out a contract on the kid who broke your child's favorite toy and made him/her cry.

3. You have time to shave only one leg at a time.

4. You hide in the bathroom to be alone.

5. Your child throws up and you catch it.

6. Someone else's kid throws up at a party and you keep eating.

7. You consider finger paint to be a controlled substance.

8. You mastered the art of placing food on a plate without anything touching.

9. Your child insists that you read "Once Upon a Potty" out loud in the lobby of the doctor's office, and you do it.

10. You hire a sitter because you haven't been out with your husband in ages, then spend half the night talking about and checking on the kids.

11. You hope ketchup is a vegetable because it's the only one your child eats.

12. You can't bear the thought of your son's first girlfriend.

13. You hate the thought of his wife even more.

14. You find yourself cutting your husband's sandwiches into unusual shapes.

15. You fast-forward through the scene when the hunter shoots Bambi's mother.

16. You obsess when your child clings to you upon parting during his first month at school, then obsess when he skips in without looking back the second time.

17. You can't bear to give away baby clothes--it's so final.

18. You hear your mother's voice coming out of your mouth when you say, "Not in your good clothes."

19. You stop criticizing the way your mother raised you.

20. You read that the average five-year-old asks 437 questions a day and feel proud that your kid is "above average."

21. You say at least once a day, "I'm not cut out for this job," but you know you wouldn't trade it for anything.


September 21, 2009 - Today I didn't Do It
One afternoon a man came home from work to find total mayhem in his house. His three children were outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard.

The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house.

Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she may be ill, or that something serious had happened. He found her lounging in the bedroom, still curled in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went.

He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?"

She again smiled and answered, "You know every day when you come home from work and ask me what in the world I did today?"

"Yes" was his incredulous reply.

She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it."


September 18, 2009 - The friars of Flowers (pun alert)
Some friars were behind in their belfry payments, so they opened a small florist shop to raise the funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, the rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair.

He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. He asked his mother to go ask the friars to get out of business. They ignored her. So, the rival florist hired Hugh Mac Taggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close shop. Terrified, the friars did so.

The Moral of the Story: Wait for it....

Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars !!


September 17, 2009 - $100.00 Please
A little boy, who wanted $100.00 very badly, prayed for two weeks but nothing happened. Then he decided to write GOD a letter requesting $100.00.

When the postal authorities received the letter to GOD, U.S.A., they decided to send it to the President. The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the boy $5.00. Mr. President thought that this would appear to be a lot of money to the little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and immediately sat down to write a thank you note to GOD that read: "Dear God, Thank you very much for sending me the money.

However, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington, D.C., and, as usual, they deducted $95.00.


September 16, 2009 - Lemon-Aid
A local bar was so sure its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a $1000 bet that the bartender could squeeze a lemon so dry no one could get another drop out. Many people tried but no one was ever able to succeed.

One day a puny little man arrived wearing a polyester suit and glasses came in and said, "I'd like to try the bet". After the laughter died down, the bartender grabbed the lemon and squeezed it until it was as dry as the desert.

The little man took the wrinkled remains and clenched it in his small fist, the crowd's laughter turned to silence as six drops of juice fell.

"What do you do for a living?" the crowd asked. "I work for Revenue Canada," the little man replied!


September 15, 2009 - Bubba's Friends
Bubba was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Bubba how about Tom Cruise?"

"Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."

So Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, "Bubba! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!"

Although impressed, Bubba's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Bubba that he thinks Bubba's knowing Cruise was just lucky.

"No, no, just name anyone else," Bubba says.

"President Clinton," his boss quickly retorts.

"Yes," Bubba says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington."

And off they go. At the White House, Clinton spots Bubba on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Bubba, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."

Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White house grounds, he expresses his doubts to Bubba, who again implores him to name anyone else.

"The Pope," his boss replies.

"Sure!" says Bubba. "My folks are from Poland, and I've known the Pope a long time."

So off they fly to Rome. Bubba and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Bubba says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."

And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Bubba emerges with the Pope on the balcony.

But by the time Bubba returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Working his way to his boss' side, Bubba asks him, "What happened?"

His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, 'Who's that on the balcony with Bubba?'"


September 14, 2009 - Steeple Paint
The church steeple in Port Gibson is very high, and was being painted on a rather hot day. The painter was about half-way down and, as the steeple was widening out, was taking more and more paint. The painter felt that he might not have enough paint to finish. Since he was hot and tired, and did not care to make another trip to the ground, he decided to stretch the amount of paint by adding some paint thinner to it.

When finished, he lowered himself to the ground and went about cleaning up. Then he looked up to see the results of his work and noted that the area with the thinned paint looked decidedly different. He was pondering about what to do about it when the sky turned dark and there was a lightning flash and loud thunderclap.

Then in a loud, booming voice from the sky came the words, "REPAINT AND THIN NO MORE !"


September 11, 2009 - "Not" Working
Dear Secretary of Agriculture,

My friends, Darryl and Janice, over at Jonestown, Oklahoma, received a check the other day for $1,000 from the government for not raising hogs. So, I want to go into the "not raising hogs" business myself next year.

What I want to know is, in your opinion, what is the best type of farm not to raise hogs on, and what is the best breed of hogs not to raise? I want to be sure that I approach this endeavor in keeping with all government policies. I would prefer not to raise Razor hogs, but if that is not a good breed not to raise, then I can just as easily not raise Yorkshires or Durocs.

As I see it, the hardest part of this program will be keeping an accurate inventory of how many hogs I haven't raised. If I can get $1,000 for not raising 50 hogs, will I get $2,000 for not raising 100 hogs? I plan to operate on a small scale at first, holding myself down to about 4,000 "not raised" hogs, which will give me $80,000 income the first year. Then I can buy an airplane.

Now another thing: these hogs I will not raise will not eat 100,000 bushels of corn. I understand that you also pay farmers for not raising corn and wheat. Will I qualify for payments for not raising wheat and corn not to feed the 4,000 hogs I am not going to raise? I want to get started not feeding as soon as possible, as this seems to be a good time of the year to not raise hogs and grain.

I am also considering the "not milking cows" business, so please send me any information on that also. In view of these circumstances, I understand that the government will consider me totally unemployed, so I plan to file for unemployment and food stamps as well.

Be assured that you will have my vote in the coming elections.

Patriotically yours, Duster Benton


September 10, 2009 - One Little Square
A little boy returning home from his first day at school said to his mother, "Mum, what`s sex?"

His mother, who believed in all the most modern educational theories, gave him a detailed explanation, covering all aspects of the tricky subject.

When she had finished, the little lad produced an enrolment form which he had brought home from school and said, "Yes, but how am I going to get all that into this one little square?"


September 9, 2009 - Kids on marriage....
****** How Does a Person Decide Who to Marry?

- "You flip a nickel, and heads means you stay with him and tails means you try the next one." Kally, age 9

- "You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming." Allan, age 10

- "No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you got to find out later who you're stuck with." Kirsten, age 10

****** Concerning the Proper Age to Get Married

-"Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then!" Cam, age 10

-"No age is good to get married at.... You got to be a fool to get married!" Freddie, age 6

****** How Can a Stranger Tell if Two People are Married?

-"Married people usually look happy to talk to other people." Eddie, age 6

-"You might have to guess based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids." Derrick, age 8

****** What Do You Think Your Mom and Dad Have in Common?
-"Both don't want no more kids." Lori, age 8

****** What Do Most People Do on a Date?

-"Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough." Lynnette, age 8

-"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date." Martin, age 10

****** What the Children Would Do on a First Date That Was Turning Sour

-"I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns." Craig, age 9

****** When is It Okay to Kiss Someone?

-"When they're rich!" Pam, age 7

-"The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that." Curt, age 7

-"The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them.... It's the right thing to do." Howard, age 8

****** The Great Debate: Is It Better to Be Single or Married?

-"It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need somebody to clean up after them!" Anita, age 9

-"Single is better ... for the simple reason that I wouldn't want to change no diapers... Of course, if I did get married, I'd figure something out. I'd just phone my mother and have her come over for some coffee and diaper-changing." Kirsten, age 10

****** What Advice Do You Have for a Young Couple About to Be Married?

-"The first thing I'd say to them is: 'Listen up, youngins ... I got something to say to you. Why in the heck do you wanna get married, anyway?'"Craig, age 9

******What Promises Do a Man and a Woman Make When They Get Married?

-"A man and a woman promise to go through sickness and illness and diseases together." Marlon, age 10

****** How to Make a Marriage Work

-"Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck." Ricky, age 7

****** How Would the World Be Different if People Didn't Get Married?

- "There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?" Kelvin, age 8 - "You can be sure of one thing - the boys would come chasing after us just the same as they do now!" Roberta, age 7


September 8, 2009 - Cheap Perfume
After being away on business, Tom thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift. "How about some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics clerk.

She showed him a bottle costing $50.00.

"That's a bit much," said Tom, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.00.

"That's still quite a bit," Tom groused.

Growing annoyed, the clerk brought out a tiny $15.00 bottle.

"What I mean," said Tom, "is I'd like to see something really cheap."

So the clerk handed him a mirror.


September 7, 2009 - How You Can Tell It's Going to Be a Rotten Day
-You wake up face down on the pavement.
-You call Suicide Prevention and they put you on hold.
-You see a "60 Minutes" news team waiting in your office.
-Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.
-You turn on the news and they're showing emergency routes out of the city.
-Your twin sister forgot your birthday.
-You wake up and discover your waterbed broke and then realize you don't have a waterbed.
-Your car horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you follow a group of Hell's Angels on the freeway.
-Your wife wakes up feeling amorous and you have a headache.
-Your boss tells you not to bother to take off your coat.
-You wake up and your braces are locked together.
-You call your answering service and they tell you it's none of your business.
-Your income tax check bounces.
-You put both contact lenses in the same eye.
-The bird singing outside your window is a buzzard.


September 4, 2009 - Goober Mom Writes Goober Son
Goober Mom Writes Goober Son
Dear Son,

I am writing slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left. Your Dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address, cause the last family that lived here took the house numbers with them so they would not have to change their address.

This place has a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in it, pulled down on the handle and haven't seen them since. It rained twice this week, three days the first time and four days the second time. The coat you wanted me to send you, Aunt sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with all them heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pocket for you.

The family is fine. Your Father, he has a lovely job. He has about 500 men under him. He is cutting grass down at the cemetary. Your sister had a baby this morning. I haven't found out yet whether it's a girl or a boy so I don't know if you are an aunt or an uncle. We got a bill from the funeral home the other day. They said if we didn't make the last payment on Grandma's funeral bill, up she comes.

Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pick-up. Billy Bob was driving and Willie and Joe was in the back. Billy Bob got out, he rolled down the window and swam to safety. The other two drowned, they couldn't get the tailgate down. Your Uncle John fell in a whiskey vat. Some men tried to pull him out but he fought them off before he drowned. We Cremated him and he burned for three days.

Not much more news this time. Nothin' much happened. Write more often.

Love, Mom

P.S. I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed.


September 3, 2009 - Have More Fun at Church
After church on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, "Mom, I've decided I'm going to be a minister when I grow up.

"That's okay with us," the mother said, "But what made you decide to be a minister?"

"Well," the boy replied, "I'll have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell than to sit still and listen.


September 2, 2009 - Progressive Motherhood
Yes, parenthood changes everything. But parenthood also changes with each baby. Here, some of the ways having a second and third child differs from having your first:

Your Clothes -
1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.
2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
3rd baby: Your maternity clothes *are* your regular clothes.

The Baby's Name -
1st baby: You pore over baby-name books and practice pronouncing and writing combinations of all your favorites.
2nd baby: Someone has to name their kid after your great-aunt Mavis, right? It might as well be you.
3rd baby: You open a name book, close your eyes, and see where your finger falls. Bimaldo? Perfect!

Preparing for the Birth -
1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
2nd baby: You don't bother practising because you remember that last time, breathing didn't do a thing.
3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your 8th month.

The Layette -
1st baby: You prewash your new-born's clothes, color-coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.
2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.
3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?

Worries -
1st baby: At the first sign of distress - a whimper, a frown - you pick up the baby.
2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.
3rd baby: You teach your 3-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.

Activities -
1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour.
2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.
3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.

Going Out -
1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home 5 times.
2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.
3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.

At Home -
1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.
2nd baby: You spend a bit of every day watching to be sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.
3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.


September 1, 2009 - Boy Scout Tips
A Scout Master was teaching his boy scouts about survival in the desert.

"What are the three most important things you should bring with you in case you get lost in the desert?" he asked. Several hands went up, and many important things were suggested such as food, matches, etc.

Then one little boy in the back eagerly raised his hand. "Yes Timmy, what are the three most important things you would bring with you?" asked the Scout Master.

Timmy replied: "A compass, a canteen of water, and a deck of cards."

"Why's that Timmy?"

"Well," answered Timmy, "the compass is to find the right direction, the water is to prevent dehydration..."

"And what about the deck of cards?" asked the Scout Master impatiently.

"Well, Sir, as soon as you start playing Solitaire, someone is bound to come up behind you and say, "Put that red nine on top of that black ten!"