July 31, 2009 - Impressions
One day, at the dry-cleaning shop of a local air force base, I overheard a young airman describe in great detail how he wanted his uniform cleaned and pressed.
When he finished, the counter clerk asked, "Are you getting an award, or do you have an important military function to attend?"
"Nothing like that," the airman said. "I'm going home on leave, and my little brother is taking me to his second-grade class for show-and-tell."
July 30, 2009 - Yellow Canaries
A lady went to a pet shop.
"I'd like to buy two yellow canaries," she told the owner.
"We don't have any canaries, but we have these," the owner said, as he showed the lady some pale green parakeets.
"That's not what I'm looking for," the lady stated.
But the pet store owner refused to give up. He said, "Just think of them as yellow canaries that aren't quite ripe yet."
July 29, 2009 - Lazy Cobbler
A man went into a shoe repair store in his hometown that he had not been in for almost twenty years. He found everything just the way he remembered it. He went up to the counter and asked the man about a pair of shoes that he had left there for heel repair almost 20 years ago.
"One minute. I'll check." replied the man A few minutes later, the repair man came back.
"Well..." asked the man "They'll be ready Tuesday."
July 28, 2009 - Romance
My pregnant daughter and her husband were checking out a new birth facility that was more like a spa. The birthing room had a hot tub, soft music and candlelight.
"What do you think?" she said
He looked around. "Isn't this how we got here in the first place?"
July 27, 2009 - New Windows Error Messages
Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.
Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.
Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.
Press any key except... no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE!
Press Ctrl-Alt-Del now for IQ test.
Close your eyes and press escape three times.
Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?
Windows message: "Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)"
To "shut down" your system, type "WIN."
BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding.
COFFEE.SYS missing... Insert cup in cup holder and press any key.
CONGRESS.SYS corrupted... Re-boot Washington D.C? (Y/N)
File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
Bad or missing mouse. Spank the cat? (Y/N)
Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.
Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)
WinErr 16547: LPT1 not found. Use backup. (PENCIL & PAPER.SYS)
User Error: Replace user.
Windows VirusScan 1.0 - "Windows found: Remove it? (Y/N)"
Welcome to Microsoft's World - Your Mortgage is Past Due...
If you are an artist, you should know that Bill Gates owns you and all your future creations. Doesn't it feel nice to have security?
Required Government Warning: After we got caught in cahoots with the hardware manufacturers for trying to needlessly fill your hard drives, the following message is now required as you save your files in Word. "Word has detected that you don't wish to save your text file as a lumpy and space wasting .doc format filled with potential viruses. Would you like to save your old outdated ascii file as a Word file anyway?"
Your hard drive has been scanned and all stolen software titles have been deleted. The police are on the way.
July 24, 2003 - Stupid Inventions
- Black Highlighter
- Braille Driver's Manual
- Clear Correction Fluid
- Fake Rhinestones
- Inflatable Dart Board
- Mesh Umbrella
- Motorcycle Air Conditioner
- Sugar Coated Toothpaste
- Super-glue Post-it Notes
July 23, 2003 - Name The Twins
A pregnant woman from Washington, D.C. gets in a car accident and falls into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly 6 months, when she wakes up she sees that she is no longer pregnant and frantically asks the doctor about her baby.
The doctor replies, "Ma'am you had twins! a boy and a girl. Your brother from Maryland came in and named them."
The woman thinks to herself, "No, not my brother... he's not very bright!" She asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"
"Wow, that's not a bad name, I like it! What's the boy's name?"
July 22, 2009 - Taxing Sleeps
A couple of weeks after hearing a sermon on Psalms 51:2-4 (knowing my own hidden secrets) and Psalms 52:3-4 (lies and deceit), a man wrote the following letter to the IRS:
I have been unable to sleep, knowing that I have cheated on my income tax. I understated my taxable income, and have enclosed a check for $150.00.
P. S. If I still can't sleep, I will send the rest.
July 21, 2009 - More Truth About Children
- Ill-bred children always display their pest manners.
- It now costs more to amuse a child than it once did to educate his father.
- It rarely occurs to teenagers that the day will come when they'll know as little as their parents.
- Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.
- Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.
- You can learn many things from children... like how much patience you have.
- Summer vacation is a time when parents realize that teachers are grossly underpaid.
- The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume knob also turns to the left.
- There are three ways to get things done: 1) do it yourself 2) hire someone to do it 3) forbid your kids to do it
- Those who say they "sleep like a baby" haven't got one.
- There would be fewer problems with children if they had to chop wood to keep the television set going.
- The best thing to spend on your children is time.
July 20, 2009 - Truth About Children
- A baby usually wakes up in the wee-wee hours of the morning.
- A child will not spill on a dirty floor.
- A young child is a noise with dirt on it.
- A youth becomes a man when the marks he wants to leave on the world have nothing to do with tires.
- An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
- Be nice to your kids, for it is they who will choose your nursing home.
- Celibacy is not hereditary.
- Familiarity breeds children.
- For adult education, nothing beats children.
- Having children is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.
- Having children will turn you into your parents.
- If you have trouble getting your children's attention, just sit down and look comfortable.
July 17, 2009 - Coffee For Grandma
A sweet little boy surprised his grandmother one morning and brought her a cup of coffee. He made it himself and was so proud. He anxiously waited to hear the verdict on the quality of the coffee.
The grandmother had never in her life had such a bad cup of coffee, and as she forced down the last sip she noticed three of those little green army guys in the bottom of the cup.
She asked, "Honey, why would three little green army guys be in the bottom of my cup?"
Her grandson replied, "You know grandma, it's like on TV, 'The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup.'
July 16, 2009 - Who Said That?
If quitters never win, & winners never quit, what fool came up with "Quit while you're ahead"?
What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
I thought about how mothers feed their babies with little tiny spoons and forks, so I wonder what Chinese mothers use. Perhaps toothpicks?
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do...write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the OTHERS here for?
STRESSED spelled backwards is DESSERTS.
Clones are people two.
No one ever says "It's only a game" when their team is winning.
As I said before, I never repeat myself!
If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
July 15, 2009 - Anthill Golf
Once there was a golfer whose drive landed on an anthill.
Rather than move the ball, he decided to hit it where it lay. He gave a mighty swing. Clouds of dirt and sand and ants exploded from the spot. Everything but the golfball. It sat in the same spot.
So he lined up and tried another shot. Clouds of dirt and sand and ants went flying again. The golf ball didn't even wiggle.
Two ants survived. One dazed ant said to the other, "Whoa! what are we going to do?"
Said the other ant: " I don't know about you, but I'm going to get on the ball."
July 14, 2009 - Honest Mechanic
I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off, so I was relieved when he told me all I needed was blinker fluid.
July 13, 2009 - Isn't Aging Fun?
Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids?
If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions.
How old are you?.... "I'm four and a half "....
You're never 36 and a half....you're four and a half going on five!
That's the key.
You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back.
You jump to the next number.
How old are you?
"I'm gonna be 16."
You could be 12, but you're gonna be 16.
And then the greatest day of your life happens....
you become 21.
Even the words sound like a ceremony....
you BECOME 21...YES!!!
But then you turn 30....ooohhh what happened there?
Makes you sound like bad milk....
He TURNED, we had to throw him out.
There's no fun now.
What's wrong?? What changed??
You BECOME 21,
you TURN 30,
then you're PUSHING 40.....
stay over there, it's all slipping away........
You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, you're PUSHING 40,
you REACH 50.....and your dreams are gone.
Then you MAKE IT to 60.....you didn't think you'd make it!!!!
So you BECOME 21, you TURN 30, you're PUSHING 40,
you REACH 50, you MAKE IT to 60......
then you build up so much speed you HIT 70!
After that, it's a day by day thing.
After that, you HIT Wednesday....
You get into your 80's, you HIT lunch.
You TURN 4:30, my grandmother won't even buy green bananas...
it's an investment you know, and maybe a bad one.
And it doesn't end there....
into the 90's you start going backwards....
I was JUST 92...
Then a strange thing happens.
If you make it over 100,
you become a little kid again....
"I'm 100 and a half!!!!"
July 10, 2009 - Died In The Service
One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. The seven-year-old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good morning Alex."
"Good morning pastor" replied the young man, focused on the plaque. "Pastor McGhee, what is this?" Alex asked.
"Well son, these are all the people who have died in the service," replied the pastor.
Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque.
Little Alex's voice barely broke the silence when he asked quietly, "Which one, the 9:00 or the 10:30 service?"
July 9, 2009 - Zack and His Mule
Zack and his mule were walking down the road when one of Zack's friends drove up and offered him a ride to town. Zack got into the truck while his mule ran along behind. The mule was right in back of them as they reached 55, and stayed with them as they sped up to 70.
"I'm worried about your mule," said the driver. "his tongue's hanging out."
"Which way?" asked Zack.
"Left," his friend said.
"Well, stay in this lane - he's about to pass."
July 8, 2009 - Amazing Anagrams
Not strictly humor, but truly amazing....
Dormitory = Dirty Room
The Morse Code = Here Come Dots
Slot Machines = Cash Lost in 'em
Animosity = Is No Amity
Snooze Alarms = Alas! No More Z's
Alec Guinness = Genuine Class
Semolina = Is No Meal
The Public Art Galleries = Large Picture Halls, I Bet
A Decimal Point = I'm a Dot in Place
The Earthquakes = That Queer Shake
Eleven plus two = Twelve plus one
Contradiction = Accord not in it
July 7, 2009 - The Vet and The Doc
A veterinarian was feeling ill and went to see her doctor. The doctor asked her all the usual questions, about symptoms, how long had they been occurring, etc., when she interrupted him: "Hey look, I'm a vet - I don't need to ask my patients these kind of questions: I can tell what's wrong just by looking. Why can't you?"
The doctor nodded, looked her up and down, wrote out a prescription and handed it to her and said,
"There you are. Of course, if that doesn't work, we'll have to have you put down."
July 6, 2009 - You Know You've Been Out of College Too Long When:
* Your potted plants stay alive.
* 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to sleep.
* You hear your favorite song on the elevator at work.
* You carry an umbrella.
* You watch the Weather Channel.
* You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.
* Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
* You're the one calling the police because those rascal kids next door don't turn down the stereo.
* You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
* Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
* You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's.
* Sleeping on the couch is a no-no.
* You no longer take naps from noon to 6 p.m.
* Dinner and a movie - The whole date instead of the beginning of one.
* MTV News is no longer your primary source for information.
* You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.
* Grocery lists are longer than macaroni & cheese, Diet Pepsi, and Ho-Ho's.
* Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
July 3, 2009 - Gift Parrot
There was a man who travelled all around the world.
Every city he stopped in he would buy something for his mother and send it to her. On one such stop he found a parrot that spoke thirty different languages. He immediately bought it and sent it home to his mother. A few days later he called his mother.
"Did you like the parrot?" he asked her.
"Oh yes," she replied. "It was delicious."
"WHAT!" the man cried. "You ate it! That parrot wasn't for you to eat! It spoke thirty languages!"
The mother paused for a moment and then said, "So why didn't he say something?"
July 2, 2009 - More Newspaper Headlines (collected by journalists)
27. Cold Wave Linked To Temperatures
28. Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
29. Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
30. Deer Kill 17,000
31. Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
32. Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge
33. New Study Of Obesity Looks For Larger Test Group
34. Astronaut Takes Blame For Gas In Spacecraft
35. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
36. Chef Throws His Heart Into Helping Needy
37. Arson Suspect Is Held In Massachusetts Fire
38. British Union Finds Dwarves In Short Supply
39. Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
40. Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees
41. Local High School Dropouts Cut In Half
42. New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
43. Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing
44. Deaf College Opens Doors To Hearing
45. Air Head Fired
46. Steals Clock, Faces Time
47. Old School Pillars are Replaced By Alumni
48. Bank Drive-In Window Blocked By Board
49. Hospitals are Sued By 7 Foot Doctors
50. Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training
51. Include Your Children When Baking Cookies
52. Police Discovered Pot Plants Were Really Cannabis
July 1, 2009 - Actual Newspaper Headlines (collected by journalists)
1. Something Went Wrong In Jet Crash, Expert Says
2. Police Begin Campaign To Run Down Jaywalkers
3. Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
4. Drunk Gets Nine Months In Violin Case
5. Survivor Of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
6. Farmer Bill Dies In House
7. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
8. Soviet Virgin Lands Short Of Goal Again
9. British Left Waffles On Falkland Islands
10. Lung Cancer In Women Mushrooms
11. Eye Drops Off Shelf
12. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
13. Reagan Wins On Budget, But More Lies Ahead
14. Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
15. Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66
16. Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax
17. Plane Too Close To Ground, Crash Probe Told
18. Miners Refuse to Work After Death
19. Juvenile Court To Try Shooting Defendant
20. Stolen Painting Found By Tree
21. Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies
22. Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years In Checkout Counter
23. Killer Sentenced To Die For Second Time In 10 Years
24. Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in '84
25. War Dims Hope For Peace
26. If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
Good, Clean Jokes and Funny Stories
Good, Clean Jokes and Funny Stories
While the Bible isn't a joke book, it is obvious that humor played an important role in Hebrew culture. When drought hit Jacob's world he turned to his sons and said, "Why are you staring at one another...Go down [to Egypt] and buy some for us" (Gen 42:1-2). I also hear humor in some of Jesus' remarks, like when He renamed James and John the "sons of thunder" or when He said the Pharisees where like whitewashed tombs, full of dead men's bones (Matt 23). I think we need the picture of Jesus laughing and enjoying people. In fact, while Jesus indeed had many hard things to say, He was also full of emotion, joy and celebration. Even as He rebuked the Pharisees, we see a glimpse of His demeanor in ministry when He scolded them saying, "We played the flute for you, but you would not dance" (Matt 11). There was something very non-religious in Jesus that laughter, celebration and humor is part of. Hopefully, these jokes, stories and quips will help make your day more merry as you walk with the Lord Jesus through this world.