Good, Clean Jokes and Funny Stories


Good, Clean Jokes and Funny Stories


While the Bible isn't a joke book, it is obvious that humor played an important role in Hebrew culture. When drought hit Jacob's world he turned to his sons and said, "Why are you staring at one another...Go down [to Egypt] and buy some for us" (Gen 42:1-2). I also hear humor in some of Jesus' remarks, like when He renamed James and John the "sons of thunder" or when He said the Pharisees where like whitewashed tombs, full of dead men's bones (Matt 23). I think we need the picture of Jesus laughing and enjoying people. In fact, while Jesus indeed had many hard things to say, He was also full of emotion, joy and celebration. Even as He rebuked the Pharisees, we see a glimpse of His demeanor in ministry when He scolded them saying, "We played the flute for you, but you would not dance" (Matt 11). There was something very non-religious in Jesus that laughter, celebration and humor is part of. Hopefully, these jokes, stories and quips will help make your day more merry as you walk with the Lord Jesus through this world.

Francis

December 2009

December 31, 2009 - Lessons Learned
"One of my co-workers got a speeding ticket and was attending a defensive-driving course to have points erased from his license. The instructor, a police officer, emphasized that being on time was crucial and that the classroom doors would be locked when each session began.

Just after one class started, someone knocked on the locked door. The officer opened it and asked, "Why are you late?"

The student replied, "I was trying not to get another ticket." The officer let him in."


December 30, 2009 - Kitten Saga

The pastor of a local church had a kitten that climbed up a tree in his backyard and was afraid to come down. The pastor coaxed, offered warm milk, etc. The kitty would not come down. The tree was not sturdy enough to climb, so the pastor decided that if he tied a rope to his car and drove away so that the tree bent down, he could then reach up and get the kitten.

He did all this, checking his progress in the car frequently, then figured if he went just a little bit further, the tree would be bent sufficiently for him to reach the kitten. But as he moved a little further forward, the rope broke. The tree went BOING and the kitten instantly sailed through the air - out of sight.

The pastor felt terrible. He walked all over the neighborhood asking people if they'd seen a little kitten. No. Nobody had seen a stray kitten. So he prayed, "Lord, I just commit this kitten to your keeping," and went on about his business.

A few days later he was at the grocery store, and met one of his church members. He happened to look into her shopping cart and was amazed to see cat food. Now this woman was a cat hater and everyone knew it, so he asked her, "Why are you buying cat food when you hate cats so much?"

She replied, "You won't believe this," and told him how her little girl had been begging her for a cat, but she kept refusing. Then a few days before, the child had begged again, so the Mom finally told her little girl, "Well if God gives you a cat, I'll let you keep it."

She told the pastor, "I watched my child go out in the yard, get on her knees, and ask God for a cat. And really, Pastor, you won't believe this, but I saw it with my own eyes. A kitten suddenly came flying out of the blue sky, with its paws outspread, and landed right in front of her."


December 29, 2009 - The Law of the Garbage Truck
"One day I hopped in a taxi and we took off for the airport. We were driving in the right lane when suddenly a black car jumped out of a parking space right in front of us.

My taxi driver slammed on his brakes, skidded, and missed the other car by just inches! The driver of the other car whipped his head around and started yelling at us. My taxi driver just smiled and waved at the guy. And I mean, he was really friendly.

So I asked, "Why did you just do that? That guy almost ruined your car and sent us to the hospital!"

This is when my taxi driver taught me what I now call, "The Law of the Garbage Truck."

He explained that many people are like garbage trucks. They run around full of garbage -- frustration, anger, disappointment. As their garbage piles up, they need a place to dump it and sometimes they'll dump it on you.

Don't take it personally. Just smile, wave, wish them well, and move on.

Don't take their garbage and spread it to other people at work, at home, or on the streets.

The bottom line is that successful people do not let garbage trucks take over their day. Love the people who treat you right. Pray for the ones who don't."


December 28, 2009 - Toaster RequestWhen my son was two or three and learning the ways of American life, he watched me place some bread in both slots of our toaster so that it would be ready to cook just before serving.

Considering the opportunity, he pulled a chair to the counter and politely asked, "Mommy, may I flush the toaster?"


December 25, 2009 - Top Ten Signs You Might Have a Bad Furnace Repair Guy
10. His face permanently blackened like a cartoon bomb went off

9. Pushes his personal brand of 'pull start' furnaces

8. Dave Lennox beat him up once

7. Uses magnifying glass and really bright flashlight to try and re-light furnace

6. Assures you his new efficient furnace only emits "CO2 Lite"

5. The instruction manual he leaves behind just says, "Light fuse, get away"

4. Tools consist of duct tape, tin foil, and a rabbit's foot

3. Estimates your bill by shaking a bag of chicken bones

2. You notice his furnace filters all say "Mr. Coffee" on them

1. When firemen arrive, they all say his name in unison


December 25, 2009 - Who Is This Baby?
In chemistry, He turned water to wine.
In biology, He was born without the normal conception.
In physics, He disapproved the law of gravity when He ascended into heaven.
In economics, He disapproved the law of diminishing return by feeding 5,000 men with two fishes and 5 loaves of bread.
In medicine, He cured the sick and the blind without administering a single dose of drugs.
In history, He is the beginning and the end.
In government, He said that he shall be called Wonderful Counselor, Prince of Peace.
In religion, He said no one comes to the Father except through him; So. Who is He? He is Jesus! The greatest man in history.

Jesus had no servants, yet they called Him Master.
He had no degree, yet they called Him Teacher.
He had no medicines, yet they called Him Healer.
He had no army, yet kings feared Him.
He won no military battles, yet He conquered the world.
He committed no crime, yet they crucified Him.
He was buried in a tomb, yet He lives today.


December 24, 2009 - A Gift of Diamonds

Morris ran into Jacob while shopping at the mall the other day in front of one of the jewelry stores. Noticing a conspicuously small gift wrapped box in his hand, Morris asked if was a gift for Jacob's wife Becky.

Jacob told Morris, "With Christmas coming up, I asked Becky what she wanted and she said, "Oh, I don't know just give me something with lots of diamonds in it."

"So what did you get her?" Morris asked.

Jacob smiled and replied, "I bought her a deck of cards."


December 23, 2009 - Christmas Cookie Rules...
1. If you eat a Christmas cookie fresh out of the oven, it has no calories because everyone knows that the first cookie is the test and thus calorie free.

2. If you drink a diet soda after eating your second cookie, it also has no calories because the diet soda cancels out the cookie calories.

3. If a friend comes over while you're making your Christmas cookies and needs to sample, you must sample with your friend. Because your friend's first cookie is calorie free, (rule #1) yours is also. It would be rude to let your friend sample alone and, being the friend that you are, that makes your cookie calorie free.

4. Any cookie calories consumed while walking around will fall to your feet and eventually fall off as you move. This is due to gravity and the density of the caloric mass.

5. Any calories consumed during the frosting of the Christmas cookies will be used up because it takes many calories to lick excess frosting from a knife without cutting your tongue.

6. Cookies colored red or green have very few calories. Red ones have three and green ones have five - one calorie for each letter. Make more red ones!

7. Cookies eaten while watching "Miracle on 34th Street" have no calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel.

8. As always, cookie pieces contain no calories because the process of breaking causes calorie leakage.

9. Any cookies consumed from someone else's plate have no calories since the calories Rightfully belong to the other person and will cling to their plate. We all know how calories like to CLING!

10. Any cookies consumed while feeling stressed have no calories because cookies used for medicinal purposes NEVER have calories. It's a rule!

So, go out and enjoy those Christmas Cookies - we only get them this time of year!


December 22, 2009 - Got Everything?"
"Two paramedics were dispatched to check on a 92-year-old man who had become disoriented. They decided to take him to the hospital for evaluation.

En route, with the siren blaring, they questioned the man to determine his level of awareness. Leaning close, one asked, "Sir, do you know what we're doing right now?"

The old man slowly looked up at him and then gazed out the ambulance window.

"Oh," he replied, "I'd say about 50, maybe 55."


December 21, 2009 - Doctor! Doctor!
A mother takes her son to a psychiatrist and says, "Doctor, I'd like you to evaluate my 13-year-old son."

"He's suffering from a transient psychosis with an intermittent rage disorder, punctuated by episodic radical mood swings, but his prognosis is good for full recovery."

"How can you say all that without even meeting him?"

"Didn't you say he was 13?"


December 18, 2009 - Phone Automation
 "If you are calling from a touch-tone phone, press one now - if you are calling from a rotary phone, hang up and call back from a touch-tone phone."


December 17, 2009 - Prison Break
The prison officer tells the warden, “Sir, I have to report that ten prisoners have broken out.”

The alarmed warden says, “Blow the whistles, sound the alarms, alert the police.

With a surprised look the officer says, “Shouldn’t we call the doctor first ­ it looks as if it might be measles.


December 16, 2009 - Enlisting Choices
"Daddy," said my 11-year-old daughter, "I think I want to join the Army."

"Baby," I answered, "I think the Air Force would be a better option for you."

"But I don't want to be a pilot."

"You don't have to be a pilot," I told her. "There are other jobs in the Air Force."

Her answer: "I don't want to be a flight attendant either."


December 15, 2009 - Wedding Song
Donna was the organist for our wedding. She related a story to us about a previous wedding in which she and her husband Burk were participating, with her on organ and him singing.

During rehearsal the audio man at the church asked them to sing and play so that he could adjust volumes. They did not have the wedding music with them, so they began to perform one of the hymns they had practiced for church the previous week, "He Touched Me."

Just as they started, the preacher walked in and stopped, looking very surprised. He had never, ever heard that song chosen for a wedding before.

The opening line of the hymn: "Shackled by a heavy burden..."


December 14, 2009 - The Old Days
A few years back, I had my old 45 RPM records out to look through and my daughter asked what they were. I explained that back in the 1960s before CDs were invented, this was how we listened to music. I further explained how all the bands issued singles on these "45s," and radio stations would rate the top 40 songs every week.

She was quite impressed as I continued describing how one used a phonograph to play them. I burst out laughing when she asked -- perfectly straight faced -- "Daddy, how many megs of RAM does one of these hold?"


December 11, 2009 - Forklift Economy
After being laid off from three jobs in the past year, Dewey was hired to work in a warehouse.

Unfortunately, one day he lost control of the forklift and drove it off the loading dock. Surveying the damage, the owner shook his head and said, "I'm sorry, Dewey, but I'm going to have to withhold 10 percent of each of your paychecks until we back the damage."

"How much will it cost?" Dewey asked.

"About $5,000," the owner replied.

"Finally!" Dewey exclaimed. "Job security!"


December 10, 2009 - Traffic Court
The judge had not yet put in an appearance in the San Diego traffic court. When the bailiff entered the courtroom, he sensed the nervousness of the traffic offenders awaiting their ordeal.

"Good morning, ladies and gentlemen," he said. "Welcome to 'What's My Fine?'"


December 9, 2009 - Thoughts On Genealog
~ Genealogy: Tracing yourself back to better people.

~ I trace my family history so I will know who to blame.

~ Can a first cousin, once removed, return?

~ Searching for lost relatives? Win the lottery!

~ Do I even WANT ancestors?

~ Genealogy: Where you confuse the dead and irritate the living.

~ Every family tree has some sap in it.

~ Friends come and go, but relatives tend to accumulate.

~ Genealogists never die, they just lose their roots.

~ Genealogy: A haystack full of needles. It's the threads I need.

~ Heredity: Everyone believes in it until their children act like fools.

~ I think my family tree is a few branches short of full bloom.

~ Theory of relativity: If you go back far enough, we're all related


December 8, 2009 - A Survivor
"I've had laryngitis, tonsillitis, hepatitis, meningitis, appendicitis, tendinitis, and colitis. I've also suffered from gastritis, bronchitis, gingivitis, bursitis, and arthritis.

I've been held up, held down, hung up, strung up, stood-up, bulldozed, bloody-nosed, blackjacked, hijacked, squeezed, frisked, and mooched. Stuck with excess profits tax, personal property tax, utility tax, inheritance tax, sales tax, school tax, gasoline tax, income tax, excise tax, surtax, liberty bonds, savings bonds, a couple of bail bonds, and the bonds of matrimony.

I've helped the Red Cross, the White Cross, and often been double-crossed. Helped the Girl Scouts, Boy Scouts, and a few Talent Scouts. Helped children's hospitals, mental hospitals, VA hospitals, spoke out for civil rights, women's rights, animal rights, men's relief, and stomach relief.

I have worked for a dog, and worked like a dog, and still lost all I had. I've been set aside, pushed aside, hit broadside, and had to sit outside. Demoted and misquoted. Walked on, jumped on, dumped on, rained on, snowed on, stomped on, spit on, cut on, and ratted on.

I've been put off, ran off, and ripped off. Intimidated, interrogated, berated, separated, and violated. I've been cussed, and discussed, boycotted, stunned, shunned, and shocked. Criticized, despised, ostracized, victimized, brutalized, capsized, analyzed, and ill-advised. Slapped, trapped, and wire-tapped. I've been used, abused, bruised, refused, confused, but never excused. Talked about, lied about, lied to, bawled out, chewed out, kicked out, knocked out, but never bailed out.

I've been assailed, derailed, and blackmailed. Scammed, slammed, burned, stung, stoned, robbed, cheated, booed, sued, misconstrued, and almost drowned.

And the only reason I'm sticking around is...???

I just want to see what's gonna happen next!"


December 7, 2009 - Get Me Out!
My husband David's colleague at a package-processing center was trapped in a small rest room by a faulty lock.

When he was finally discovered, David and another worker were able to open the door with some difficulty. The lock was still jammed, so they blocked the door open while a maintenance worker was called.

A bit later, David noticed the door was closed again. He jiggled the doorknob and a voice from inside called, "Get me out!"

"Don't worry," David replied, "maintenance should be sending somebody."

"They did," said the voice.


December 4, 2009 - Retirement
Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

My partner and I pulled our police cruiser up behind a car stopped on the shoulder of the highway. We got out and asked the driver if we could help. No, he replied, there was no trouble; he had just stopped to look at a map. When we turned back, we noticed that his German shepherd had jumped in the open passenger-side front window of our car.

"You may think there's no trouble," I smiled, "but your dog obviously thinks he's done something wrong. He's in our patrol car."

He laughed. "He probably thinks you've come to take him to work," he replied. "He's a retired police dog."


December 3, 2000 - Cherokee 180
One day, the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee.

Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"

The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for a second one."


December 2, 2009 - Wild Game
I love the outdoors, and because of my passion for hunting and fishing, my family eats a considerable amount of wild game.

I guess they eat so much, in fact, that one evening as I set a platter of broiled venison steaks on the dinner table, my ten-year-old daughter looked up and said, "Boy, it sure would be nice if pizzas lived in the woods."


December 1, 2009 - Retirement
While I sat in the reception area of my doctor's office, a woman rolled an elderly man in a wheelchair into the room. As she went to the receptionist's desk, the man sat there, alone and silent.

Just as I was thinking I should make small talk with him, a little boy slipped off his mother's lap and walked over to the wheelchair. Placing his hand on the man's, he said, "I know how you feel. My mom makes me ride in the stroller, too."

November 2009

November 30, 2009 - 62nd Birthday
My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was and I told him, "Sixty-two."He was quiet for a moment, then he asked, "Did you start at one?"

November 27, 2009 - Lost Bible
The devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range.Three weeks later a cow walked up carrying the Bible in it's mouth.The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes.He took the book out of the cow's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, "It's a miracle!""Not really," said the cow."Your name was written inside the cover."

November 26, 2009 - Keeping Secrets
At a dinner party, several of the guests were arguing whether men or women were more trustworthy. "No woman," said one man, scornfully, "can keep a secret.""I don't know about that," huffily answered a woman guest. "I have kept my age a secret since I was twenty-one.""You'll let it out some day," the man insisted."I hardly think so!" responded the lady. "When a woman has kept a secret for twenty-seven years, she can keep it forever."


November 25, 2009 - Raise Request
"I have to have a raise," the man said to his boss. "There are three other companies after me.""Is that so?" asked the manager. "What other companies are after you?""The electric company, the telephone company, and the gas company."


November 24, 2009 - Taking Down The Flag
My husband was serving his last few years of military service on active duty with an Army reserve unit. There were three branches of military reserve units at our last duty station. During one month, my husband and his buddy were assigned to take down the flag at the end of the day, which is a very formal affair to watch.

November 23, 2009 - Public Speaking
The human brain is a wonderful thing: it starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.


November 20, 2009 - Kitchen Cleaning
My friend's husband is always telling her that housekeeping would be a snap if only she would organize her time better.Recently he had a chance to put his theory into practice while his wife was away. When I popped in one evening to see how he was managing, he crowed, "I made a cake, frosted it, washed the kitchen windows, cleaned all the cupboards, scrubbed the kitchen floor, walls and ceiling and even had a bath."I was about to concede that perhaps he was a better manager than his wife, when he added sheepishly, "When I was making the chocolate frosting, I forgot to turn off the mixer before taking the beaters out of the bowl, so I had to do all the rest."


November 19, 2009 - Skipping Church
Lately Pastor Mike had grown weary from the demands of his growing church. He was getting very little sleep and a couple of deacons had really been putting him to the test.So, one beautiful Spring Sunday morning he decides that he would feel better with a relaxing round of golf. Pretending to be sick, he calls the deacons and informs them that he is sick and will not be able to make it that day. He scheduled in a guest speaker so everything was under control without him.As Pastor Mike was preparing to tee off on the first hole, the Archangel Michael looked over at God and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but what are you going to do? Pastor Mike called in to his deacons and said he was sick. He lied to them and to the church. And, he is skipping church all together. Shouldn't you punish him somehow for his behavior?""Sure," said the Father. "I'm going to make him hit a hole-in-one on every hole.""A hole-in-one on every hole?!" said Michael. "That's not punishment. That's a blessing. No one has ever done that and you're going to help this lazy, lying pastor score a hole-in-one on every hole? How is that punishment?!""Who's he gonna tell?"

November 18, 2009 - Posthumous Interest
A lady died this past January, and Citibank billed her for February & March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and then added late fees & interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00, now it's somewhere around $60.00.A family member placed a call to Citibank:Family Member: "I'm calling to tell you that she died in January."Citibank: "The account was never closed and the late fees & charges still apply."Family Member: "Maybe you should turn it over to collections."Citibank: "Since it is two months past due, it already has been."Family Member: "So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"Citibank: "Either report her account to the frauds division or report her to the credit bureau; maybe both!"Family Member: "Do you think God will be mad at her?"Citibank: "Excuse me?"Family Member: "Did you just get what I was telling you . . . the part about her being dead?"Citibank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor"Supervisor gets on the phone.Family Member: "I'm calling to tell you she died in January."Citibank: "The account was never closed and the late fees & charges still apply."Family Member: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"Citibank: (stammer) "Are you her lawyer?"Family Member: "No, I'm her great nephew." (lawyer info given)Citibank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"Family Member: "Sure." (the fax number is given)After they get the fax ...Citibank: "Our system just isn't setup for death. I don't know what more I can do to help."Family Member: "Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. I don't think she will care."Citibank: "Well, the late fees & charges do still apply."Family Member: "Would you like her new billing address?"Citibank: "That might help."Family Member: "Odessa Memorial Cemetery, Highway 129, Plot Number 69."Citibank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"Family Member: "What do you do with dead people on your planet?"


November 17, 2009 - Consistency
A man goes to consult Dr. Dr. Mike Wilson about his medical problem. After the visit the man asks, "How much do I owe you?""My fee is five hundred dollars," replies Dr. Wilson."Five hundred dollars? That's impossible. No one charges that much!""In your case," the doctor replies, "I suppose I could adjust my fee to three hundred.""Three hundred dollars? For one visit? Ridiculous.""Well, then, could you afford two hundred?""Who has that kind of money?""Look, replies the doctor," growing irritated, "Just give me a hundred and get out of my office, okay?""I can give you fifty," says the man. "Take it or leave it.""I don't understand you," says the doctor. "Why did you come to the most expensive doctor in San Diego if you have no money?""Listen, Doctor," says the patient, "When it comes to my health, nothing is too expensive!"

November 16, 2009 - Road Crew Signs
While driving through South Carolina, I kept having to slow down for road repair crews.To keep the workers safe, the highway department posted a series of signs that read, "Let 'em work. Let 'em live."On one of the signs an exasperated motorist had added, "Let 'em finish!"

November 13, 2009 - Robber Visit
A man was sleeping soundly when his wife shook him and said, "Wake up, someone is breaking in!"The man had gone through this same scenario almost every night of his marriage, and he knew that the only way he would get any rest was to get up and go check it out.This time, however, he found that there really was a man with a gun who entered to rob the house!As the thief was about to flee the man said, "Stop! You have to come with me and meet my wife."Surprised, the thief turned around abruptly and said, "Why would you want ME to meet your wife?"The man replied, "She's been expecting you for 20 years."

November 12, 2009 - Curiosity
A teacher was finishing up a lesson on the joys of discovery and the importance of curiosity. "Where would we be today," she asked, "if no one had ever been curious?"One child quietly spoke up from the back of the room. "In the garden of Eden?"


November 11, 2009 - Corn Problem
We were eating corn on the cob two weeks ago and my 5-year-old daughter Rachel seemed to be struggling with it a little bit.I said "Rachel, eat it like a typewriter".Se looked at me with pure innocence in her eyes and said "Mommy, what's a typewriter?"


November 10, 2009 - Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.One evening the man realized that he would need his wife to wake him at 5.00am for an early flight to Sydney. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence, he finally wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5.00am".The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9.00am, and that he had missed his flight.Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't awakened him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.It said, "It is 5:00am, wake up!"

November 9, 2009 - Top Ten Things You'll Never Hear A Dad Say      
10.  Well, how 'bout that?  I'm lost!  Looks like we'll have to stop and ask for directions.9.  You know Pumpkin, now that you're thirteen, you'll be ready for unchaperoned car dates.  Won't that be fun?8.  I noticed that all your friends have a certain hostile attitude.  I like that.7.  Here's a credit card and the keys to my new car.  GO CRAZY!!6.  What do you mean you wanna play football?  Figure skating's not good enough for you, son?5.  Your Mother and I are going away for the weekend.  You might want to consider throwing a party.4.  Well, I don't know what's wrong with your car.  Probably one of those doo-hickey thingies--ya know--that makes it run or something.  Just have it towed to a mechanic and pay whatever he asks.3.  No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an earring.  Now quit your belly-aching, and let's go to the mall.2.  Whaddya wanna go and get a job for?  I make plenty of money for you to spend.1.  What do I want for my birthday?  Aahh -- don't worry about that.  It's no big deal.  (Okay, they might say it.  But they don't mean it)


November 6, 2009 - Stocking up
Called my stockbroker this morning and asked him what I should be buying and he said, "Canned goods and ammunition."


November 5, 2009 - E-Mail Warning
If you receive an email from the Department of Health telling you not to eat canned pork because of swine flu ignore it.It's just Spam.


November 4, 2009 - Don't Smoke
A couple of hours into a visit with my mother, she noticed I hadn't once lit up a cigarette. "Are you trying to kick the habit?" she asked."No," I replied. "I have a cold, and I don't smoke when I'm not feeling well.""You know," she observed, "you'd probably live longer if you were sick more often."

November 3, 2009 - Photo Radar      

A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car.He later received in the mail, a ticket for $40.00, and a photo of his car.  Instead of the payment, he sent the police department a photograph of two $20.00 bills.Several days later, he received a letter from the police department that contained another picture, of a pair of handcuffs.


November 2, 2009 - Diaper Change      
"Here's your problem," says the doctor to the first-time father."This baby's in serious need of a diaper change."

Looking baffled, the man replies, "But the package says it's good for 8 to 10 pounds!"

October 2009

October 30, 2009 - Fire Dog
A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past.  Sitting in the front seat of the truck was a Dalmatian dog.  The children started discussing the dog's duties.  'They use him to keep crowds back,' said one child.  'No,' said another, 'He's just for good luck.'  A third child brought the argument to a close.  'They use the dogs,' she said firmly, 'to find the fire hydrants.'

October 29, 2009 - Grandmother memory

She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter, as she'd done many times before.  After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, 'But Gramma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!'   I will probably never put lipstick on again without thinking about kissing the toilet paper good-bye...

October 28, 2009 - Back Seat Accordion
An accordion player is driving home late one night after playing a concert. He's tired and hungry so he stops at an all-night diner for a bite to eat.Halfway through his meal he realizes that although he locked his car doors, his accordion is in the back seat, in plain sight!He rushes out to his vehicle but he is too late. The windows are already smashed and someone has thrown in two more accordions.

October 27, 2009 - Motoring Service
RAC Motoring Services Caller: "Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am travelling in Australia?"Operator: "Doesn't the product give you a clue?"

October 26, 2009 - Exercise
I used to watch golf on TV but my doctor told me that I need more exercise, so now I watch tennis.


October 23, 2009 - New Car Warning
A husband, the owner of a new car, was somewhat reluctant to allow his wife to drive his prize possession, even to the grocery store, which was a few blocks from the house.After she insisted, he finally relented, cautioning her as she departed, "Remember, if you have an accident, the newspaper will print your age."


October 22, 2009 - A Long Walk
One day after a nasty streak of bad weather, I asked my teenage son to take our dog for a long walk after school.When I came home from work, I found my son stretched out on the recliner, watching television.He had leash in hand while the dog trotted happily away on the treadmill.


October 21, 2009 - Prenatal Visit
A couple was making their first visit to Dr. Mike Wilson prior to the birth of their first child.After the exam, the doctor took a small stamp and stamped the wife’s stomach with indelible ink.The man and his wife were curious about what the stamp was for, so when they got home, the man took out his magnifying glass to try to see what is was. In very small letters, the stamp said, “When you can read this, come back and see me.


October 20, 2009 - Adoption
Teacher Debbie Moon's first graders were discussing a picture of a family. One little boy in the picture had a different hair color than the other members. One of her students suggested that he was adopted.A little girl said, "I know all about adoption, I was adopted.""What does it mean to be adopted?", asked another child"It means", said the girl, "that you grew in your mommy's heart instead of her tummy!"


October 19, 2009 - Earthquake Theory
The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.


October 16, 2009 -Chopsticks
A man having lunch at a Chinese restaurant noticed that the table had been set with forks, not chopsticks. He asked why. The waiter said "Chopsticks were provided only on request.""But," the man countered, "if you gave your patrons chopsticks, you wouldn't have to pay someone to wash all the forks.""True," the waiter shot back, "but we would have to hire three more people to clean up the mess."


October 15, 2009 - Mystery
One day during cooking class, our teacher, Mrs. Jones, was extolling her secrets for preparing perfect sauces.When she ordered us to the stoves to prepare our assignments, she said, "Don't forget to use wooden spoons."As I stirred my sauce, I contemplated the physics behind the mystery of the wooden spoon and decided it must have something to do with heat conduction. I approached Mrs. Jones to test my theory. "Why wooden spoons?" I asked."Because," she replied, "if I have to sit here listening to all your metal spoons banging against metal pots, I'd go nuts."


October 14, 2009 - Valedictorian
At the beginning of the school year, one seventh grader was reflecting on his chance at being the 8th grade valedictorian.He said his dad was valedictorian, his mom was valedictorian, and his sister was also valedictorian.He paused, leaned back in his chair and said, "Looks like the end of an era!"


October 13, 2009 - Flu Differences
What's the difference between Bird 'Flu and Swine 'Flu?

For one you need Tweetment and for the other Oinkment.


October 12, 2009 - New Pet
A man was driving down a country road when he saw a baby pig along side the road. He stopped and picked it up and headed home to the city with his new found pet. As the man drove home, the piglet jumped up on the shelf in the back window and paced back and forth - creating quite a distraction for passing motorists.After entering the city limits, a cop saw this pulled the car over."Hey, What are you doing with that pig in the car?", the cop askedThe driver replied, "Well, I just found the pig beside the road in the field so I thought he'd make a great pet."The cop responded, "I want you to take that pig to the zoo!"The driver agreed and drove off.The next day the cop saw the guy driving around with the pig in the back window again and pulled him over."WHAT ARE YOU DOING? I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU TO TAKE THAT PIG TO THE ZOO!!" he yelled."Well, I did take the pig to the zoo. We had such a good time we are going to the ball game now."


October 9, 2009 - No Gun Hunting
There's this guy who shows up at a cabin where these hunters have gathered to hunt bear. Only he shows up without a gun.

The other hunters are very curious. "How you gonna get a bear without a gun?" they ask.

"Do you have a knife?"

"No," says the guy.

"Do you have a club?"

"No," says the guy.

"Don't you worry. I'm gonna get myself a bear. Just wait right here and see."

The guy leaves the cabin and disappears into the hills for several hours.

Eventually he happens upon a bear asleep in his den and he kicks the bear and gets it really angry. As the bear wakes up, he starts to chase after the guy, so the guy starts running back towards the cabin.

Finally the hunters hear him running down the hill and yelling, "Open the cabin door! Open the door!"

They open the door and the guy runs into the cabin and holds the door open behind him. To the terror of the other hunters, an angry bear follows close behind, running into the cabin, too.

Then the guy slams the door shut, and says, "You skin that one. I'll go get another."


October 8, 2009 - Empty Nests
At the company water cooler, I bragged about my children's world travels: one son was teaching in Bolivia, another was working in southern Italy, and my daughter was completing a year-long research project in India.

One co-worker's quip, however, stopped me short. "What is it about you," he asked, "that makes your kids want to get so far away?"


October 7, 2009 - Children
Having one child makes you a parent; having two makes you a referee.


October 6, 2009 - A Bear, a Lion and a Pig
A bear, a lion, and a pig meet. I know what your thinking they eat the PIG...NO

The bear says, "If I roar in the forest, the entire forest is shivering with fear."

The lion says, "If I roar in the jungle, the entire jungle is afraid of me."

The pig says, "Big deal....I only have to cough, and the entire planet goes into mass panic."


October 5, 2009 - Dirty Hands in Class
A teacher sees a student entering the classroom, his hands are very dirty.

She stopped him and said, "John, please wash your hands. My goodness, what would you say if I came into the room with hands like that?"

Smiling the boy replied, "I think I would be too polite to mention it."

October 2, 2009 - Toy Advice
A woman, on meeting a psychologist at a party, made a pitch for some free professional advice. "What kind of toy would you suggest giving a little boy on his third birthday?" she asked.

"First I'd have to know more about the child," the psychologist hedged.

The woman took a deep breath. "He's very bright and quick-witted and exceptionally advanced for his age," she said. "He has good coordination, expresses himself very well..."

"Oh, I see," the psychologist said. "It's YOUR child!"


October 1, 2009 - I'm Not Old - I'm Just Mature
Today at the drugstore, the clerk was a gent.
From my purchase this chap took off ten percent.
I asked for the cause of a lesser amount;
And he answered, "Because of the Seniors Discount."

I went to McDonald's for a burger and fries;
And there, once again, got quite a surprise.
The clerk poured some coffee which he handed to me.
He said, "For you, Seniors, the coffee is free."

Understand---I'm not old---I'm merely mature;
But some things are changing, temporarily, I'm sure.
The newspaper print gets smaller each day,
And people speak softer---can't hear what they say.

My teeth are my own (I have the receipt.),
and my glasses identify people I meet.
Oh, I've slowed down a bit...not a lot, I am sure.
You see, I'm not old...I'm only mature.

The gold in my hair has been bleached by the sun.
You should see all the damage that chlorine has done.
Washing my hair has turned it all white,
But don't call it gray...saying "blond" is just right.

My car is all paid for...not a nickel is owed.
Yet a kid yells, "Old duffer...get off of the road!"
My car has no scratches...not even a dent.
Still I get all that guff from a punk who's "Hell bent."

My friends all get older...much faster than me.
They seem much more wrinkled, from what I can see.
I've got "character lines," not wrinkles...for sure,
But don't call me old...just call me mature.

The steps in the houses they're building today
Are so high that they take...your breath all away;
And the streets are much steeper than ten years ago.
That should explain why my walking is slow.

But I'm keeping up on what's hip and what's new,
And I think I can still dance a mean boogaloo.
I'm still in the running...in this I'm secure,
I'm not really old...I'm only mature.

September 2009

September 30, 2009 - Diary of A House Husband
This week I am at home & playing house husband. My wife left a list of things I need to do. This is soooooo easy I thought I would share it with you.

1). Make the beds...... What a waste of effort, we're only going to sleep in them again tonight. Forget that Scratch one.

2). Pick up dog poop in yard....... It snowed last night, I don't see any dog poop, kids do you see any dog poop? Scratch two.

3). Drop your shirts off at the cleaners....... Duhh I'm on vacation I don't need them. Scratch three. This is easy, what's the fuss. Think I'll go on the computer for a while.

4). Clean out Tupperware cabinet....... Uhhhh that's a hard one. GOT IT, velcro on the door will keep them closed. Scratch four.

5). Mop kitchen floor..... The dog licked up that sugar spill from breakfast, floor looks clean to me. Scratch five. Good doggie go play in the yard. She just loves rolling in the snow.

6). Find something fun for the kids to do..... That tinfoil in the microwave thing was kinda fun. Scratch six. This is way too easy I'll have lots of time for the computer

7). Vacuum the carpets...... That's a hard one....... Hey kids wanna have some more FUN. Scratch seven.

8). Feed kids lunch..... Hey kids, don't you have a friends house to go too?  YESSSS Scratch eight !!

9). Clean out hallway closet...... Hmmmm another hard one. That's it, take enough out of the closet to close the door. Outta sight outta mind. Hmmmm this other stuff can go under a bed. Scratch nine. Boy O Boy am I good, lunch time. Pour some chili into the cracker bag & eat. Taaa daaa no lunch dishs

10). Do laundry..... no problem I can do that while I'm on the computer Scratch ten.

11). Fold laundry..... Ya know I never noticed how many pink things this family actually wears. Gonna have to ask da little lady why she buys me pale pink underwear??
Check this out a cashmere barbie sweater, cool. Scratch eleven.

12) Put the laundry away.... Baskets in bedrooms work for me. Scratch twelve. This is way too easy. Wonder why women always complain about house work???

13). Water the Christmas tree... Oppp's good thing the carpet is absorbent.
Scratch thirteen.

14). Grocery shopping, Buy toilet paper....... These old newspapers will do, besides, that's recycling & that's good for the earth.... Scratch fourteen.

15). Pick up the kids ...... Yeah right; we're talking about my kidshere.
Parents will normally pay to drop them back off. They'll be back.Scratch fifteen. Wonder who's on the computer. I have plenty of time.

16). Make dinner..... Easy, "Hello do you deliver ? uhhh double that, Ya know we will need more dinner tomorrow". Scratch sixteen.

17). Clean out the dog house...... duhh the dog sleeps in our bed, Like that needs to be done. Scratch seventeen. WOW all done. Still time for some more puter & a nap.......Man this is sooooo easy.


September 29, 2009 - Navajo Wisdom
About 1969 or so, a NASA team doing work for the Apollo moon mission took the astronauts near Tuba City where the terrain of the Navajo Reservation looks very much like the Lunar surface.

Along with all the trucks and large vehicles, there were two large figures dressed in full Lunar spacesuits.

Nearby a Navajo sheep herder and his son were watching the strange creatures walk about, occasionally being tended by personnel. The two Navajo people were noticed and approached by the NASA personnel. Since the man did not know English, his son asked for him what the strange creatures were and the NASA people told them that they are just men that are getting ready to go to the moon. The man became very excited and asked if he could send a message to the moon with the astronauts.

The NASA personnel thought this was a great idea so they rustled up a tape recorder. After the man gave them his message, they asked his son to translate. His son would not.

Later, they tried a few more people on the reservation to translate and every person they asked would chuckle and then refuse to translate. Finally, with cash in hand, someone translated the message, "Watch out for these guys, they come to take your land."


September 28, 2009 - Why Don't I see You?
A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and as always the preacher was standing at the door shaking hands as the congregation departed.

He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside.

The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"

My friend replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor."

Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except for Christmas and Easter?"

He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service."


September 25, 2009 - Because I am A Guy...
..I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I'll miss a whole show looking for it, though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator.

..when I lock my keys in the car, I will fiddle with a wire clothes hanger and ignore your suggestions that we call road service until long after hypothermia has set in. Oh, and when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another guy shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start."

..when I catch a cold I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't an issue.

..I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk, or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "Cumin" or "Tofu." For all I know these are the same thing. And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up a copy of "Cosmo" or "Better Homes & Gardens."

..when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.

..I don't think we're all that lost, and no, I don't think we should stop and ask someone. Why would you listen to a complete stranger--how could HE know where we're going?

..you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't.

..I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?

September 24, 2009 - Cake Baking for Mom's of Small Children
Preheat oven, get out utensils and ingredients.
Remove blocks and toy cars from table.
Grease pan, crack nuts.
Measure two cups flour.
Remove baby's hands from flour, wash flour off baby.
Remeasure flour.
Put flour, baking powder, salt in sifter.
Get dustpan and brush up pieces of bowl baby knocked on floor.
Get another bowl.
Answer doorbell.
Return to kitchen.
Remove baby's hands from bowl.
Wash baby.
Answer phone.
Return.
Remove 1/4 inch salt from greased pan.
Look for baby.
Grease another pan.
Answer telephone.
Return to kitchen and find baby.
Remove baby's hands from bowl.
Take up greased pan, find layer of nutshells in it.
Head for baby, who flees, knocking bowl off table.
Wash kitchen floor, table, wall, dishes.
Call baker.
Lie down.


September 23, 2009 - Waking Up Mad
One day a man took the train from Paris to Frankfurt. When he got in he said to the ticket man: "Sir. I really need you to do me a favor, I have to get out of this train in Mannheim, but I'm very tired and it is for sure that I will fall asleep. So what I want you to do is that you wake me up in Mannheim because I have to close a business deal there and it is very important for me. Here you have 100 francs for the favor. But I warn you to know sometimes when people wake me up I get really violent, but no matter what I do or say you got to get me out of this train in Mannheim. Is that clear?"

So the ticket man agreed and took the 100 francs.

Later as the man had said he fall asleep, and when he woke up he realized that he was in Frankfurt. He was so mad at the ticket man that he ran over and started yelling at him. "Are you STUPID or something??? I paid you 100 francs so that you wake me up in Mannheim. And you didn't I want my money back ."

While the man was yelling at the ticket guy, two other guys who were also in the train were looking at them. One turned to the other and said, "Look at this guy he is mad!"

Guy 2 replied, "Yeah, almost as mad as the guy they made get out of the train in Mannheim."


September 22, 2009 - You Know You're Really A Mom When . . .

1. You count the sprinkles on each kid's cupcake to make sure they're equal.

2. You want to take out a contract on the kid who broke your child's favorite toy and made him/her cry.

3. You have time to shave only one leg at a time.

4. You hide in the bathroom to be alone.

5. Your child throws up and you catch it.

6. Someone else's kid throws up at a party and you keep eating.

7. You consider finger paint to be a controlled substance.

8. You mastered the art of placing food on a plate without anything touching.

9. Your child insists that you read "Once Upon a Potty" out loud in the lobby of the doctor's office, and you do it.

10. You hire a sitter because you haven't been out with your husband in ages, then spend half the night talking about and checking on the kids.

11. You hope ketchup is a vegetable because it's the only one your child eats.

12. You can't bear the thought of your son's first girlfriend.

13. You hate the thought of his wife even more.

14. You find yourself cutting your husband's sandwiches into unusual shapes.

15. You fast-forward through the scene when the hunter shoots Bambi's mother.

16. You obsess when your child clings to you upon parting during his first month at school, then obsess when he skips in without looking back the second time.

17. You can't bear to give away baby clothes--it's so final.

18. You hear your mother's voice coming out of your mouth when you say, "Not in your good clothes."

19. You stop criticizing the way your mother raised you.

20. You read that the average five-year-old asks 437 questions a day and feel proud that your kid is "above average."

21. You say at least once a day, "I'm not cut out for this job," but you know you wouldn't trade it for anything.


September 21, 2009 - Today I didn't Do It
One afternoon a man came home from work to find total mayhem in his house. His three children were outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard.

The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house.

Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she may be ill, or that something serious had happened. He found her lounging in the bedroom, still curled in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went.

He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?"

She again smiled and answered, "You know every day when you come home from work and ask me what in the world I did today?"

"Yes" was his incredulous reply.

She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it."


September 18, 2009 - The friars of Flowers (pun alert)
Some friars were behind in their belfry payments, so they opened a small florist shop to raise the funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, the rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair.

He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. He asked his mother to go ask the friars to get out of business. They ignored her. So, the rival florist hired Hugh Mac Taggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close shop. Terrified, the friars did so.

The Moral of the Story: Wait for it....

Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars !!


September 17, 2009 - $100.00 Please
A little boy, who wanted $100.00 very badly, prayed for two weeks but nothing happened. Then he decided to write GOD a letter requesting $100.00.

When the postal authorities received the letter to GOD, U.S.A., they decided to send it to the President. The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the boy $5.00. Mr. President thought that this would appear to be a lot of money to the little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and immediately sat down to write a thank you note to GOD that read: "Dear God, Thank you very much for sending me the money.

However, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington, D.C., and, as usual, they deducted $95.00.


September 16, 2009 - Lemon-Aid
A local bar was so sure its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a $1000 bet that the bartender could squeeze a lemon so dry no one could get another drop out. Many people tried but no one was ever able to succeed.

One day a puny little man arrived wearing a polyester suit and glasses came in and said, "I'd like to try the bet". After the laughter died down, the bartender grabbed the lemon and squeezed it until it was as dry as the desert.

The little man took the wrinkled remains and clenched it in his small fist, the crowd's laughter turned to silence as six drops of juice fell.

"What do you do for a living?" the crowd asked. "I work for Revenue Canada," the little man replied!


September 15, 2009 - Bubba's Friends
Bubba was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Bubba how about Tom Cruise?"

"Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."

So Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, "Bubba! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!"

Although impressed, Bubba's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Bubba that he thinks Bubba's knowing Cruise was just lucky.

"No, no, just name anyone else," Bubba says.

"President Clinton," his boss quickly retorts.

"Yes," Bubba says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington."

And off they go. At the White House, Clinton spots Bubba on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Bubba, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."

Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White house grounds, he expresses his doubts to Bubba, who again implores him to name anyone else.

"The Pope," his boss replies.

"Sure!" says Bubba. "My folks are from Poland, and I've known the Pope a long time."

So off they fly to Rome. Bubba and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Bubba says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."

And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Bubba emerges with the Pope on the balcony.

But by the time Bubba returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Working his way to his boss' side, Bubba asks him, "What happened?"

His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, 'Who's that on the balcony with Bubba?'"


September 14, 2009 - Steeple Paint
The church steeple in Port Gibson is very high, and was being painted on a rather hot day. The painter was about half-way down and, as the steeple was widening out, was taking more and more paint. The painter felt that he might not have enough paint to finish. Since he was hot and tired, and did not care to make another trip to the ground, he decided to stretch the amount of paint by adding some paint thinner to it.

When finished, he lowered himself to the ground and went about cleaning up. Then he looked up to see the results of his work and noted that the area with the thinned paint looked decidedly different. He was pondering about what to do about it when the sky turned dark and there was a lightning flash and loud thunderclap.

Then in a loud, booming voice from the sky came the words, "REPAINT AND THIN NO MORE !"


September 11, 2009 - "Not" Working
Dear Secretary of Agriculture,

My friends, Darryl and Janice, over at Jonestown, Oklahoma, received a check the other day for $1,000 from the government for not raising hogs. So, I want to go into the "not raising hogs" business myself next year.

What I want to know is, in your opinion, what is the best type of farm not to raise hogs on, and what is the best breed of hogs not to raise? I want to be sure that I approach this endeavor in keeping with all government policies. I would prefer not to raise Razor hogs, but if that is not a good breed not to raise, then I can just as easily not raise Yorkshires or Durocs.

As I see it, the hardest part of this program will be keeping an accurate inventory of how many hogs I haven't raised. If I can get $1,000 for not raising 50 hogs, will I get $2,000 for not raising 100 hogs? I plan to operate on a small scale at first, holding myself down to about 4,000 "not raised" hogs, which will give me $80,000 income the first year. Then I can buy an airplane.

Now another thing: these hogs I will not raise will not eat 100,000 bushels of corn. I understand that you also pay farmers for not raising corn and wheat. Will I qualify for payments for not raising wheat and corn not to feed the 4,000 hogs I am not going to raise? I want to get started not feeding as soon as possible, as this seems to be a good time of the year to not raise hogs and grain.

I am also considering the "not milking cows" business, so please send me any information on that also. In view of these circumstances, I understand that the government will consider me totally unemployed, so I plan to file for unemployment and food stamps as well.

Be assured that you will have my vote in the coming elections.

Patriotically yours, Duster Benton


September 10, 2009 - One Little Square
A little boy returning home from his first day at school said to his mother, "Mum, what`s sex?"

His mother, who believed in all the most modern educational theories, gave him a detailed explanation, covering all aspects of the tricky subject.

When she had finished, the little lad produced an enrolment form which he had brought home from school and said, "Yes, but how am I going to get all that into this one little square?"


September 9, 2009 - Kids on marriage....
****** How Does a Person Decide Who to Marry?

- "You flip a nickel, and heads means you stay with him and tails means you try the next one." Kally, age 9

- "You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming." Allan, age 10

- "No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you got to find out later who you're stuck with." Kirsten, age 10

****** Concerning the Proper Age to Get Married

-"Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then!" Cam, age 10

-"No age is good to get married at.... You got to be a fool to get married!" Freddie, age 6

****** How Can a Stranger Tell if Two People are Married?

-"Married people usually look happy to talk to other people." Eddie, age 6

-"You might have to guess based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids." Derrick, age 8

****** What Do You Think Your Mom and Dad Have in Common?
-"Both don't want no more kids." Lori, age 8

****** What Do Most People Do on a Date?

-"Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough." Lynnette, age 8

-"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date." Martin, age 10

****** What the Children Would Do on a First Date That Was Turning Sour

-"I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns." Craig, age 9

****** When is It Okay to Kiss Someone?

-"When they're rich!" Pam, age 7

-"The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that." Curt, age 7

-"The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them.... It's the right thing to do." Howard, age 8

****** The Great Debate: Is It Better to Be Single or Married?

-"It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need somebody to clean up after them!" Anita, age 9

-"Single is better ... for the simple reason that I wouldn't want to change no diapers... Of course, if I did get married, I'd figure something out. I'd just phone my mother and have her come over for some coffee and diaper-changing." Kirsten, age 10

****** What Advice Do You Have for a Young Couple About to Be Married?

-"The first thing I'd say to them is: 'Listen up, youngins ... I got something to say to you. Why in the heck do you wanna get married, anyway?'"Craig, age 9

******What Promises Do a Man and a Woman Make When They Get Married?

-"A man and a woman promise to go through sickness and illness and diseases together." Marlon, age 10

****** How to Make a Marriage Work

-"Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck." Ricky, age 7

****** How Would the World Be Different if People Didn't Get Married?

- "There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?" Kelvin, age 8 - "You can be sure of one thing - the boys would come chasing after us just the same as they do now!" Roberta, age 7


September 8, 2009 - Cheap Perfume
After being away on business, Tom thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift. "How about some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics clerk.

She showed him a bottle costing $50.00.

"That's a bit much," said Tom, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.00.

"That's still quite a bit," Tom groused.

Growing annoyed, the clerk brought out a tiny $15.00 bottle.

"What I mean," said Tom, "is I'd like to see something really cheap."

So the clerk handed him a mirror.


September 7, 2009 - How You Can Tell It's Going to Be a Rotten Day
-You wake up face down on the pavement.
-You call Suicide Prevention and they put you on hold.
-You see a "60 Minutes" news team waiting in your office.
-Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.
-You turn on the news and they're showing emergency routes out of the city.
-Your twin sister forgot your birthday.
-You wake up and discover your waterbed broke and then realize you don't have a waterbed.
-Your car horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you follow a group of Hell's Angels on the freeway.
-Your wife wakes up feeling amorous and you have a headache.
-Your boss tells you not to bother to take off your coat.
-You wake up and your braces are locked together.
-You call your answering service and they tell you it's none of your business.
-Your income tax check bounces.
-You put both contact lenses in the same eye.
-The bird singing outside your window is a buzzard.


September 4, 2009 - Goober Mom Writes Goober Son
Goober Mom Writes Goober Son
Dear Son,

I am writing slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left. Your Dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address, cause the last family that lived here took the house numbers with them so they would not have to change their address.

This place has a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in it, pulled down on the handle and haven't seen them since. It rained twice this week, three days the first time and four days the second time. The coat you wanted me to send you, Aunt sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with all them heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pocket for you.

The family is fine. Your Father, he has a lovely job. He has about 500 men under him. He is cutting grass down at the cemetary. Your sister had a baby this morning. I haven't found out yet whether it's a girl or a boy so I don't know if you are an aunt or an uncle. We got a bill from the funeral home the other day. They said if we didn't make the last payment on Grandma's funeral bill, up she comes.

Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pick-up. Billy Bob was driving and Willie and Joe was in the back. Billy Bob got out, he rolled down the window and swam to safety. The other two drowned, they couldn't get the tailgate down. Your Uncle John fell in a whiskey vat. Some men tried to pull him out but he fought them off before he drowned. We Cremated him and he burned for three days.

Not much more news this time. Nothin' much happened. Write more often.

Love, Mom

P.S. I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed.


September 3, 2009 - Have More Fun at Church
After church on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, "Mom, I've decided I'm going to be a minister when I grow up.

"That's okay with us," the mother said, "But what made you decide to be a minister?"

"Well," the boy replied, "I'll have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell than to sit still and listen.


September 2, 2009 - Progressive Motherhood
Yes, parenthood changes everything. But parenthood also changes with each baby. Here, some of the ways having a second and third child differs from having your first:

Your Clothes -
1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.
2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
3rd baby: Your maternity clothes *are* your regular clothes.

The Baby's Name -
1st baby: You pore over baby-name books and practice pronouncing and writing combinations of all your favorites.
2nd baby: Someone has to name their kid after your great-aunt Mavis, right? It might as well be you.
3rd baby: You open a name book, close your eyes, and see where your finger falls. Bimaldo? Perfect!

Preparing for the Birth -
1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
2nd baby: You don't bother practising because you remember that last time, breathing didn't do a thing.
3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your 8th month.

The Layette -
1st baby: You prewash your new-born's clothes, color-coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.
2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.
3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?

Worries -
1st baby: At the first sign of distress - a whimper, a frown - you pick up the baby.
2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.
3rd baby: You teach your 3-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.

Activities -
1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour.
2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.
3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.

Going Out -
1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home 5 times.
2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.
3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.

At Home -
1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.
2nd baby: You spend a bit of every day watching to be sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.
3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.


September 1, 2009 - Boy Scout Tips
A Scout Master was teaching his boy scouts about survival in the desert.

"What are the three most important things you should bring with you in case you get lost in the desert?" he asked. Several hands went up, and many important things were suggested such as food, matches, etc.

Then one little boy in the back eagerly raised his hand. "Yes Timmy, what are the three most important things you would bring with you?" asked the Scout Master.

Timmy replied: "A compass, a canteen of water, and a deck of cards."

"Why's that Timmy?"

"Well," answered Timmy, "the compass is to find the right direction, the water is to prevent dehydration..."

"And what about the deck of cards?" asked the Scout Master impatiently.

"Well, Sir, as soon as you start playing Solitaire, someone is bound to come up behind you and say, "Put that red nine on top of that black ten!"

August 2009

August 31, 2009 - Elderly Couple Sharing
A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at McDonald's. He noticed that they had ordered one meal, and an extra drink cup.

As he watched, the gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries, one for him, one for her, until each had half of them.

Then he poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup and set that in front of his wife.

The old man then began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap. The young man decided to ask if they would allow him to purchase another meal for them so that they didn't have to split theirs.

The old gentleman said, "Oh, no. We've been married 50 years, and everything has always been and will always be shared, 50/50."

The young man then asked the wife if she was going to eat, and she replied, "Not yet. It's his turn with the teeth.

August 28, 2009 - Temperance River
A preacher was completing a temperance sermon: with great expression he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."

With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."

And then finally, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river." He sat down.

The song leader then stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn # 365: "Shall We Gather at the River."


August 27, 2009 - Dogs
"The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail and not his tongue.


August 26, 2009 - New Car Warning

A husband, the owner of a new car, was somewhat reluctant to allow his wife to drive his prize possession, even to the grocery store, which was a few blocks from the house.

After she insisted, he finally relented, cautioning her as she departed, "Remember, if you have an accident, the newspaper will print your age."


August 25, 2009 - Birds and Bees
A father decided it was time to have "the talk" with his ten-year-old son. Sitting the boy down, he thought it best to first find out what his son might already know. So he asked his son if he knew about "the birds and the bees".

"I don't want to know," his son replied, bursting into tears. "Promise you won't tell me. Please!"

Confused by this reaction, the father asked his son what was wrong.

"Oh dad", the boy replied, in between sobs, "when I was six, I got the 'there’s no Santa' speech. At seven I got the 'there’s no Easter bunny' speech. When I was eight, you hit me with 'there's no Tooth Fairy' speech. If you are going to tell me now there's no such things as birds and bees I don't know what I will do!"


August 24, 2009 - A Brighter Home

They say kids brighten the home - that's because they never turn the lights off.


August 21, 2009 - Lunch and Learn

The company I work for sometimes holds "Lunch and Learn" seminars for employees during lunchtime. These deal with a variety of physical and mental health issues. If the seminar lasts beyond the normal lunch hour, we're supposed to get managerial approval to attend.

So, last week, this flyer came around:

LUNCH AND LEARN SEMINAR: WHO'S CONTROLLING YOUR LIFE? (Get your manager's permission before attending)

Looks like that question's been answered .......…


August 20, 2009 - Rear Defrosters
Sam and Ruth from Maine had just bought a new car when winter hit with all its fury. "I wonder if the car has seat warmers," Ruth wondered.

"It sure does," said Sam, looking through the owner's manual. "Here it is...rear defrosters."


August 19, 2009 - Zookeeper's Dilemma
A zookeeper wanted to get some extra animals for his zoo, so he decided to compose a letter. The only problem was that he didn't know the plural of "mongoose."

He started the letter: "To whom it may concern, I need two mongeese."

No, that wouldn't work, so he tried again: "To whom it may concern, I need two mongooses." Is that right?

Finally, he got an idea: "To whom it may concern, I need a mongoose, and while you're at it, send me another one."


August 18, 2009 - School Days
Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son. "Wake up, son. It's time to go to school!"

"But why, Mom? I don't want to go."

"Give me two reasons why you don't want to go."

"Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me, too!"

"Oh, that's no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready."

"Give me two reasons why I should go to school."

"Well, for one, you're 52 years old. And for another, you're the Principal!"


August 17, 2009 - Locked Out
First I had to work late. Then I discovered that I'd locked my keys in the car. But the last straw was learning that roadside service couldn't get a locksmith to me for at least two hours. Finally the guy showed, looking exhausted.

As he struggled with my door, I joked, "Do those Slim Jim tools come in purse-size?"

"Yeah," he muttered. "They're called keys."


August 14, 2009 - New Car
The first Sunday after my husband and I bought a new car, we parked it in the last row of the church lot, not wanting to be ostentatious.

While talking with friends after the service, my husband accidentally hit the panic button on his electronic key. Immediately our car's horn blared and its lights flashed.

Watching my husband fumble with the button, his friend teased, "Wouldn't it have been in better taste to just put a few lines in the church bulletin?"


August 13, 2009 - An Old Farmer's Advice
~ Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.
~ Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.
~ A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.
~ Words that soak into your ears are whispered...not yelled.
~ Meanness don't jes' happen overnight.
~ Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads.
~ Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.
~ It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.
~ You cannot unsay a cruel word.
~ Every path has a few puddles.
~ When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.
~ The best sermons are lived, not preached.
~ Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna happen anyway.
~ Don't judge folks by their relatives.
~ Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
~ Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.
~ Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't botherin' you none.
~ If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.
~ Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.
~ The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with watches you from the mirror every mornin'.
~ Always drink upstream from the herd.
~ Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.
~ Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in.
~ If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.


August 12, 2009 - Heavenly Request
There once was a rich man who was near death. He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him.

An angel hears his plea and appears to him, "Sorry, but you can't take your wealth with you."

The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules.

The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him. The angel reappears and informs the man that God has decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his bed.

Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven to greet St. Peter. Seeing the suitcase Peter says, "Hold on, you can't bring that in here!"

But the man explains to him that he has permission and asks him to verify his story with the Lord. Sure enough, Peter checks and comes back saying, "You're right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I'm supposed to check its contents before letting it through."

Peter opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaims, "You brought pavement?!?!"


August 11, 2009 - Tax Reform

At an open conference in Vermont, the state tax commissioner asked the audience which sort of taxation they thought was the most fair and equitable.

There was a pause, and then a white-haired man in the back raised his hand. "The poll tax," he said.

"But the poll tax was repealed some time ago," replied the commissioner.

"Ay-yuh," declared the old man, "that's what I like about it."


August 10, 2009 - Aging
Unfortunately, getting a new passport required a new photo.

As I handed my ten-year-old passport and the new picture to the clerk, I sighed. "I like the original better," I told her.

"Trust me," she said. "Ten years from now, you'll like this one."


August 7, 2009 - Picnic Passions
A Jewish rabbi and a Catholic priest met at the town's annual 4th of July picnic. Old friends, they began their usual banter.

"This baked ham is really delicious," the priest teased the rabbi. "You really ought to try it. I know it's against your religion, but I can't understand why such a wonderful food should be forbidden! You don't know what you're missing. You just haven't lived until you've tried Mrs. Frobisher's prized Virginia Baked Ham. Tell me, Rabbi, when are you going to break down and try it?"

The rabbi looked at the priest with a big grin, and said, "At your wedding."


August 6, 2009 - Depunable
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, and dry cleaners depressed?

Laundry workers could decrease, eventually becoming depressed and depleted! Even more, bedmakers will be debunked, baseball players will be debased, bulldozer operators will be degraded, organ donors will be delivered, software engineers will be detested, the BVD company will be debriefed, and even musical composers will eventually decompose.

On a more positive note, though, perhaps we can hope politicians will be devoted.


August 5, 2009 - The Middle Wife
I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second grade classroom a few years back.

When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they're welcome.

Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater.

She holds up a snapshot of an infant: "This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday."

"First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord."

She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement.

"Then, about two Saturdays ago, my mom starts saying and going, 'Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh!'" Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. "She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!'" (Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.)

"My dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my mom to lie down in bed like this." (Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.)

"And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!" (This kid has her legs spread with her little hands miming water flowing away. It was too much!)

"Then the middle wife starts saying 'Push, push" and "Breathe, breathe. They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that they all said it was from Mom's play-center (placenta) so there must be a lot of toys inside there. When he got out, the middle wife spanked him for crawling up in there."

Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat. I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, when it's show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another "Middle Wife" comes along.


August 4, 2009 - Dad Knew
My dad and I were talking the other night about love and marriage.

He told me that he knew as early as their wedding what marriage to my mom would be like. It seems the minister asked my mom, "Do you take this man to be your husband?" And she said, "I do."

Then the minister asked my dad, "Do you take this woman to be your wife?"

And my mom said, "He does."


August 3, 2009 - Babies at the Mall
A young mother was standing outside a mall holding her six-month-old baby and her sister's three-month-old baby.

Two elderly women approached the mother. "Are they twins?" one asked.

"No, they're three months apart."

"My! You sure had them close together."

July 2009

July 31, 2009 - Impressions
One day, at the dry-cleaning shop of a local air force base, I overheard a young airman describe in great detail how he wanted his uniform cleaned and pressed.

When he finished, the counter clerk asked, "Are you getting an award, or do you have an important military function to attend?"

"Nothing like that," the airman said. "I'm going home on leave, and my little brother is taking me to his second-grade class for show-and-tell."

July 30, 2009 - Yellow Canaries
A lady went to a pet shop.

"I'd like to buy two yellow canaries," she told the owner.

"We don't have any canaries, but we have these," the owner said, as he showed the lady some pale green parakeets.

"That's not what I'm looking for," the lady stated.

But the pet store owner refused to give up. He said, "Just think of them as yellow canaries that aren't quite ripe yet."


July 29, 2009 - Lazy Cobbler

A man went into a shoe repair store in his hometown that he had not been in for almost twenty years. He found everything just the way he remembered it. He went up to the counter and asked the man about a pair of shoes that he had left there for heel repair almost 20 years ago.

"One minute. I'll check." replied the man A few minutes later, the repair man came back.

"Well..." asked the man "They'll be ready Tuesday."

July 28, 2009 - Romance
My pregnant daughter and her husband were checking out a new birth facility that was more like a spa. The birthing room had a hot tub, soft music and candlelight.

"What do you think?" she said

He looked around. "Isn't this how we got here in the first place?"


July 27, 2009 - New Windows Error Messages
Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.

Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.

Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.

Press any key except... no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE!

Press Ctrl-Alt-Del now for IQ test.

Close your eyes and press escape three times.

Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.

This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?

Windows message: "Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)"

To "shut down" your system, type "WIN."

BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding.

COFFEE.SYS missing... Insert cup in cup holder and press any key.

CONGRESS.SYS corrupted... Re-boot Washington D.C? (Y/N)

File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)

Bad or missing mouse. Spank the cat? (Y/N)

Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.

Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)

WinErr 16547: LPT1 not found. Use backup. (PENCIL & PAPER.SYS)

User Error: Replace user.

Windows VirusScan 1.0 - "Windows found: Remove it? (Y/N)"

Welcome to Microsoft's World - Your Mortgage is Past Due...

If you are an artist, you should know that Bill Gates owns you and all your future creations. Doesn't it feel nice to have security?

Required Government Warning: After we got caught in cahoots with the hardware manufacturers for trying to needlessly fill your hard drives, the following message is now required as you save your files in Word. "Word has detected that you don't wish to save your text file as a lumpy and space wasting .doc format filled with potential viruses. Would you like to save your old outdated ascii file as a Word file anyway?"

Your hard drive has been scanned and all stolen software titles have been deleted. The police are on the way.


July 24, 2003 - Stupid Inventions
- Black Highlighter

- Braille Driver's Manual

- Clear Correction Fluid

- Fake Rhinestones

- Inflatable Dart Board

- Mesh Umbrella

- Motorcycle Air Conditioner

- Sugar Coated Toothpaste

- Super-glue Post-it Notes



July 23, 2003 - Name The Twins
A pregnant woman from Washington, D.C. gets in a car accident and falls into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly 6 months, when she wakes up she sees that she is no longer pregnant and frantically asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, "Ma'am you had twins! a boy and a girl. Your brother from Maryland came in and named them."

The woman thinks to herself, "No, not my brother... he's not very bright!" She asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"

"Denise."

"Wow, that's not a bad name, I like it! What's the boy's name?"

"Denephew."

July 22, 2009 - Taxing Sleeps
A couple of weeks after hearing a sermon on Psalms 51:2-4 (knowing my own hidden secrets) and Psalms 52:3-4 (lies and deceit), a man wrote the following letter to the IRS:

I have been unable to sleep, knowing that I have cheated on my income tax. I understated my taxable income, and have enclosed a check for $150.00.

Sincerely, Taxpayer

P. S. If I still can't sleep, I will send the rest.


July 21, 2009 - More Truth About Children
- Ill-bred children always display their pest manners.

- It now costs more to amuse a child than it once did to educate his father.

- It rarely occurs to teenagers that the day will come when they'll know as little as their parents.

- Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.

- Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.

- You can learn many things from children... like how much patience you have.

- Summer vacation is a time when parents realize that teachers are grossly underpaid.

- The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume knob also turns to the left.

- There are three ways to get things done: 1) do it yourself 2) hire someone to do it 3) forbid your kids to do it

- Those who say they "sleep like a baby" haven't got one.

- There would be fewer problems with children if they had to chop wood to keep the television set going.

- The best thing to spend on your children is time.

July 20, 2009 - Truth About Children
- A baby usually wakes up in the wee-wee hours of the morning.

- A child will not spill on a dirty floor.

- A young child is a noise with dirt on it.

- A youth becomes a man when the marks he wants to leave on the world have nothing to do with tires.

- An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

- Be nice to your kids, for it is they who will choose your nursing home.

- Celibacy is not hereditary.

- Familiarity breeds children.

- For adult education, nothing beats children.

- Having children is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.

- Having children will turn you into your parents.

- If you have trouble getting your children's attention, just sit down and look comfortable.

July 17, 2009 - Coffee For Grandma
A sweet little boy surprised his grandmother one morning and brought her a cup of coffee. He made it himself and was so proud. He anxiously waited to hear the verdict on the quality of the coffee.

The grandmother had never in her life had such a bad cup of coffee, and as she forced down the last sip she noticed three of those little green army guys in the bottom of the cup.

She asked, "Honey, why would three little green army guys be in the bottom of my cup?"

Her grandson replied, "You know grandma, it's like on TV, 'The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup.'

July 16, 2009 - Who Said That?

If quitters never win, & winners never quit, what fool came up with "Quit while you're ahead"?

What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with little tiny spoons and forks, so I wonder what Chinese mothers use. Perhaps toothpicks?

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do...write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the OTHERS here for?

STRESSED spelled backwards is DESSERTS.

Clones are people two.

No one ever says "It's only a game" when their team is winning.

As I said before, I never repeat myself!

If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

July 15, 2009 - Anthill Golf
Once there was a golfer whose drive landed on an anthill.

Rather than move the ball, he decided to hit it where it lay. He gave a mighty swing. Clouds of dirt and sand and ants exploded from the spot. Everything but the golfball. It sat in the same spot.

So he lined up and tried another shot. Clouds of dirt and sand and ants went flying again. The golf ball didn't even wiggle.

Two ants survived. One dazed ant said to the other, "Whoa! what are we going to do?"

Said the other ant: " I don't know about you, but I'm going to get on the ball."

July 14, 2009 - Honest Mechanic
I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off, so I was relieved when he told me all I needed was blinker fluid.
July 13, 2009 - Isn't Aging Fun?
Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids?
If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions.
How old are you?.... "I'm four and a half "....
You're never 36 and a half....you're four and a half going on five!

That's the key.
You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back.
You jump to the next number.
How old are you?
"I'm gonna be 16."
You could be 12, but you're gonna be 16.

And then the greatest day of your life happens....
you become 21.
Even the words sound like a ceremony....
you BECOME 21...YES!!!

But then you turn 30....ooohhh what happened there?
Makes you sound like bad milk....
He TURNED, we had to throw him out.
There's no fun now.

What's wrong?? What changed??
You BECOME 21,
you TURN 30,
then you're PUSHING 40.....
stay over there, it's all slipping away........

You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, you're PUSHING 40,
you REACH 50.....and your dreams are gone.

Then you MAKE IT to 60.....you didn't think you'd make it!!!!

So you BECOME 21, you TURN 30, you're PUSHING 40,
you REACH 50, you MAKE IT to 60......
then you build up so much speed you HIT 70!

After that, it's a day by day thing.
After that, you HIT Wednesday....
You get into your 80's, you HIT lunch.
You TURN 4:30, my grandmother won't even buy green bananas...
it's an investment you know, and maybe a bad one.

And it doesn't end there....
into the 90's you start going backwards....
I was JUST 92...

Then a strange thing happens.
If you make it over 100,
you become a little kid again....
"I'm 100 and a half!!!!"

July 10, 2009 - Died In The Service
One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. The seven-year-old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good morning Alex."

"Good morning pastor" replied the young man, focused on the plaque. "Pastor McGhee, what is this?" Alex asked.

"Well son, these are all the people who have died in the service," replied the pastor.

Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque.

Little Alex's voice barely broke the silence when he asked quietly, "Which one, the 9:00 or the 10:30 service?"

July 9, 2009 - Zack and His Mule
Zack and his mule were walking down the road when one of Zack's friends drove up and offered him a ride to town. Zack got into the truck while his mule ran along behind. The mule was right in back of them as they reached 55, and stayed with them as they sped up to 70.

"I'm worried about your mule," said the driver. "his tongue's hanging out."

"Which way?" asked Zack.

"Left," his friend said.

"Well, stay in this lane - he's about to pass."
July 8, 2009 - Amazing Anagrams
Not strictly humor, but truly amazing....

Dormitory = Dirty Room
The Morse Code = Here Come Dots
Slot Machines = Cash Lost in 'em
Animosity = Is No Amity
Snooze Alarms = Alas! No More Z's
Alec Guinness = Genuine Class
Semolina = Is No Meal
The Public Art Galleries = Large Picture Halls, I Bet
A Decimal Point = I'm a Dot in Place
The Earthquakes = That Queer Shake
Eleven plus two = Twelve plus one
Contradiction = Accord not in it

July 7, 2009 - The Vet and The Doc
A veterinarian was feeling ill and went to see her doctor. The doctor asked her all the usual questions, about symptoms, how long had they been occurring, etc., when she interrupted him: "Hey look, I'm a vet - I don't need to ask my patients these kind of questions: I can tell what's wrong just by looking. Why can't you?"

The doctor nodded, looked her up and down, wrote out a prescription and handed it to her and said,

"There you are. Of course, if that doesn't work, we'll have to have you put down."

July 6, 2009 - You Know You've Been Out of College Too Long When:
* Your potted plants stay alive.
* 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to sleep.
* You hear your favorite song on the elevator at work.
* You carry an umbrella.
* You watch the Weather Channel.
* You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.
* Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
* You're the one calling the police because those rascal kids next door don't turn down the stereo.
* You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
* Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
* You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's.
* Sleeping on the couch is a no-no.
* You no longer take naps from noon to 6 p.m.
* Dinner and a movie - The whole date instead of the beginning of one.
* MTV News is no longer your primary source for information.
* You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.
* Grocery lists are longer than macaroni & cheese, Diet Pepsi, and Ho-Ho's.
* Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.

July 3, 2009 - Gift Parrot
There was a man who travelled all around the world.

Every city he stopped in he would buy something for his mother and send it to her. On one such stop he found a parrot that spoke thirty different languages. He immediately bought it and sent it home to his mother. A few days later he called his mother.

"Did you like the parrot?" he asked her.

"Oh yes," she replied. "It was delicious."

"WHAT!" the man cried. "You ate it! That parrot wasn't for you to eat! It spoke thirty languages!"

The mother paused for a moment and then said, "So why didn't he say something?"

July 2, 2009 - More Newspaper Headlines (collected by journalists)
27. Cold Wave Linked To Temperatures
28. Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
29. Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
30. Deer Kill 17,000
31. Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
32. Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge
33. New Study Of Obesity Looks For Larger Test Group
34. Astronaut Takes Blame For Gas In Spacecraft
35. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
36. Chef Throws His Heart Into Helping Needy
37. Arson Suspect Is Held In Massachusetts Fire
38. British Union Finds Dwarves In Short Supply
39. Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
40. Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees
41. Local High School Dropouts Cut In Half
42. New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
43. Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing
44. Deaf College Opens Doors To Hearing
45. Air Head Fired
46. Steals Clock, Faces Time
47. Old School Pillars are Replaced By Alumni
48. Bank Drive-In Window Blocked By Board
49. Hospitals are Sued By 7 Foot Doctors
50. Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training
51. Include Your Children When Baking Cookies
52. Police Discovered Pot Plants Were Really Cannabis


July 1, 2009 - Actual Newspaper Headlines (collected by journalists)
1. Something Went Wrong In Jet Crash, Expert Says
2. Police Begin Campaign To Run Down Jaywalkers
3. Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
4. Drunk Gets Nine Months In Violin Case
5. Survivor Of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
6. Farmer Bill Dies In House
7. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
8. Soviet Virgin Lands Short Of Goal Again
9. British Left Waffles On Falkland Islands
10. Lung Cancer In Women Mushrooms
11. Eye Drops Off Shelf
12. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
13. Reagan Wins On Budget, But More Lies Ahead
14. Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
15. Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66
16. Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax
17. Plane Too Close To Ground, Crash Probe Told
18. Miners Refuse to Work After Death
19. Juvenile Court To Try Shooting Defendant
20. Stolen Painting Found By Tree
21. Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies
22. Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years In Checkout Counter
23. Killer Sentenced To Die For Second Time In 10 Years
24. Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in '84
25. War Dims Hope For Peace
26. If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While