December 31, 2008 - Seats
Some people are kind, polite, and sweet-spirited until you try to sit in their pews.
December 30, 2008 - Money
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need, but it's on sale.
December 29, 2008 - Shopping
Q: If the a cat lost his tail, where could he go to get a new one?
A: Wal-Mart - it is the world's largest retailer.
December 26, 2008 - Clothing Label
Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator: "Woven? Are you sure?"
Caller: "Yes. That's what it says on the label: Woven in Scotland."
December 25, 2008 - Merry Christmas!
December 24, 2008 - Directory Enquiries
Caller: "I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff, please."
Operator: "I'm sorry, but there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?"
Caller: "Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar, but the 'B' fell off."
December 23, 2008 - Marriage
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
December 22, 2008 - Spelling
"DIAPER spelled backward is REPAID; think about it."
December 19, 2008 - Babysitting
With some misgivings, we left a young babysitter in charge of our three energetic youngsters.
When we returned a few hours later, she was sitting alone watching TV.
I went to check on the children and found them in our narrow hallway. By bracing their arms and legs against the walls, two of them had climbed up to the ceiling.
"The babysitter taught us how," they said gleefully.
The sitter joined me, her face a deep red. "Since they had me climbing the walls, I figured they might as well be too," she stammered.
We kept the same girl for the next two years.
December 18, 2008 - What's for Dinner?
The young couple invited their elderly pastor for Sunday dinner. While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what they were having.
"Goat," the little boy replied.
"Goat?" replied the startled man of the cloth, "Are you sure about that?"
"Yep," said the youngster. "I heard Dad say to Mom, 'Today is just as good as any to have the old goat for dinner.'"
December 17, 2008 - Sugar
Ben: One of our pigs was sick so I gave him some sugar.
Dan: Sugar! What for?
Ben: Haven't you ever heard of sugar-cured ham?
December 16, 2008 - 10 Questions
Our local paper runs a popular column called "10 Questions" that spotlights people who live in our community.
In addition to the usual inquiries about occupation and age, people are asked the questions that give a snapshot look of their personalities.
Recently one woman was asked, "What's the 'strangest' thing you ever bought?"
She answered, "Dog toothpaste."
Next question, "What is the 'most common' thing people say to you?"
Her answer: "Where did you get such white teeth?"
December 15, 2008 - A Christmas Prayer
Most Holy & Majestic Father,
There's so much "hype" around Christmas time. I have to admit that I enjoy all the jolly jingle and festive frolic as much as anyone. But, Lord, as I enter into the fast-paced season ahead, help me walk slowly and quietly.
Let me stop and listen to the angels sing of the greatest news ever told!
Let my heart, mind and soul join the chorus. "Glory in the Highest!! The Messiah has been born!"
Among all the bright sparkling lights and cheery holiday tunes, let my spirit travel once again toward Bethlehem to honor and worship Jesus, my King! The Prince of Peace, the Lord of Hosts, Mighty Counselor, Son of God, the Lamb. All Your love, mercy and power somehow made flesh in the tiny form of a humble baby born in a manger. Let me worship the only one who is worthy to take our sin away and open the gates of all eternity!
December 12, 2008 - Wire Guard
Gale-force winds and frigid temperatures had taken their toll. Snapped electric wires were sparking and snaking about the snowdrifts. As a foot patrolman, I was assigned to a desolate intersection to provide security at the scene of a downed wire.
It was 12:40 a.m. and -19 degrees when I relieved the initial guardian of this dangerous area. He pointed out the thin line swinging ferociously from the main electric circuit, as he entered the squad car for his return to warmth. I pulled my coat collar up to my earmuffs and took up my position to protect the public.
Finally, at 5:40 a.m., a utility truck arrived. The linemen checked the wires, then, laughing, descended toward me.
"Well, Officer," one of them said, "congratulations. You've successfully guarded a frozen kite string all night."
December 11, 2008 - Christmas Sign
A church was preparing for Christmas services. The pastor decided he wanted a banner made for the entryway and had a parishioner call the sign company.
The parishioner told the man on the phone the message he wanted and the dimensions needed for the entryway.
The sign came back a few days later... "Unto Mary Jesus was born, six feet long and two feet wide."
December 10, 2008 - The Perfect Husband...
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
WOMAN: 'Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?'
WOMAN: 'I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?'
MAN: 'Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.'
WOMAN: 'I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2005 models. I saw one I really liked.'
MAN: 'How much?'
MAN: 'OK, but for that price, I want it with all the options.'
WOMAN: 'Great! Oh, and one more thing .....the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000.'
MAN: 'Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand. It is really a pretty good price.'
WOMAN: 'OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!!'
MAN: 'Bye! I love you, too.' The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.....
Then he smiles and asks: 'Anyone know who this phone belongs to?'
December 9, 2008 - Senior's Special
We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the "seniors' special" was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $1.99.
"Sounds good," my wife said. "But I don't want the eggs."
"Then I'll have to charge you two dollars and forty-nine cents because you're ordering a la carte," the waitress warned her.
"You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?" my wife asked incredulously. "I'll take the special."
"How do you want your eggs?"
"Raw and in the shell," my wife replied. She took the two eggs home.
December 8, 2008 - Office Hours
Actual Call Center Conversations"Customer: "I've been ringing 0700 2300 for two days and can't get through to enquiries. Can you help?"
Operator: "Where did you get that number from, sir?"
Customer: "It was on the door to the Travel Centre."
Operator: "Sir, they are our opening hours."
December 5, 2008 - Natural Foods
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
December 4, 2008 - Consumerism in Christianity
A man was stranded on the proverbial deserted Pacific island for years.
Finally one day a boat comes sailing into view, and the man frantically waves and draws the skipper's attention. The boat comes near the island and the sailor gets out and greets the stranded man.
After awhile the sailor asks, "What are those three huts you have here?"
"Well, that's my house there."
"What's that next hut?" asks the sailor.
"I built that hut to be my church."
"What about the other hut?"
"Oh, that's where I used to go to church."
December 3, 2008 - Bank Line
With only two tellers working at the bank, the line I was standing in was moving very slowly. As I waited, I began to fill in my withdrawal slip. Not sure of the date, I turned and asked the woman behind me.
"It's the fifth," she replied.
A man from the back of the line advised, "Don't write it in yet!"
December 2, 2008 - Brain Problem
Scientists have finally figured out what is wrong with mankind. The problem lies in the two halves of their brains - the left and the right.
The left half has nothing right in it
And the right half has nothing left in it!
December 1, 2008 - Prescription Labels
A pharmacy major was taking a course in Dispensing. One day they were discussing the various labels affixed to prescription containers, such as, "Take with food," and "Take with water."
At the end of class, the professor passed out a few sample labels.
Days later he noticed that one member of the class had struck one of them onto his chemistry textbook.
"Caution: May cause extreme drowsiness."
Good, Clean Jokes and Funny Stories
Good, Clean Jokes and Funny Stories
While the Bible isn't a joke book, it is obvious that humor played an important role in Hebrew culture. When drought hit Jacob's world he turned to his sons and said, "Why are you staring at one another...Go down [to Egypt] and buy some for us" (Gen 42:1-2). I also hear humor in some of Jesus' remarks, like when He renamed James and John the "sons of thunder" or when He said the Pharisees where like whitewashed tombs, full of dead men's bones (Matt 23). I think we need the picture of Jesus laughing and enjoying people. In fact, while Jesus indeed had many hard things to say, He was also full of emotion, joy and celebration. Even as He rebuked the Pharisees, we see a glimpse of His demeanor in ministry when He scolded them saying, "We played the flute for you, but you would not dance" (Matt 11). There was something very non-religious in Jesus that laughter, celebration and humor is part of. Hopefully, these jokes, stories and quips will help make your day more merry as you walk with the Lord Jesus through this world.