Good, Clean Jokes and Funny Stories


Good, Clean Jokes and Funny Stories


While the Bible isn't a joke book, it is obvious that humor played an important role in Hebrew culture. When drought hit Jacob's world he turned to his sons and said, "Why are you staring at one another...Go down [to Egypt] and buy some for us" (Gen 42:1-2). I also hear humor in some of Jesus' remarks, like when He renamed James and John the "sons of thunder" or when He said the Pharisees where like whitewashed tombs, full of dead men's bones (Matt 23). I think we need the picture of Jesus laughing and enjoying people. In fact, while Jesus indeed had many hard things to say, He was also full of emotion, joy and celebration. Even as He rebuked the Pharisees, we see a glimpse of His demeanor in ministry when He scolded them saying, "We played the flute for you, but you would not dance" (Matt 11). There was something very non-religious in Jesus that laughter, celebration and humor is part of. Hopefully, these jokes, stories and quips will help make your day more merry as you walk with the Lord Jesus through this world.

Francis

December 2006

December 29, 2006 - Good Singer
In a Brooklyn upscale pet shop, an elderly woman burst into the store. "I want to buy a canary, but it's got to be a real good singer. I've got good, hard U.S. cash, but I'm only paying only for a good singer."

The shop owner began moving a ladder towards a small cage on a shelf about fifteen feet up, near the ceiling of the store. "Ma'am, I'm forty years in this business. In that cage is the best singer I've ever had .""Don't think I'm gonna feel obligated to pay for something I don't want just because you're climbing up a ladder like a monkey. I want a canary but it's got to be the best singer."By this point the shop keeper was coming down from the ladder. "Ma'am, this bird is a veritable feathered Caruso!" Placing the cage on the counter, the bird burst into melody after melody.Awed, the woman murmured, "This bird is really a good singer."Suddenly in a shrill scream, "Hey, what's with you? This bird's only got one leg."The pet store owner was unperturbed, "Lady what do you want a singer ? . . . . . or a dancer?"


December 28, 2006 - Kind Word
A man walked into a restaurant in a strange town. The waiter came and asked him for his order. Feeling lonely, he replied, "Meat loaf and a kind word."
When the waiter returned with the meat loaf, the man said, "Okay, so where's the kind word?"The waiter put down the meat loaf and sighed, bent down, and whispered gently, "Don't eat the meat loaf."


December 27, 2006 - At Home

While I was dining out with my children, a man came over to our table, and we started talking.
He asked where my kids go to school. I told him we home-schooled them.With a raised eyebrow, he asked if my husband is the sole breadwinner for our family. I said, "No, I also work ... out of our home."Then, noticing our two-month-old son, he mentioned that his daughter had just had a baby, and he wondered what hospital our son was born in. "He was born at home," I answered.The man looked at me, then said, "Wow, you don't get out much, do you?"


December 26, 2006 - Prescription Worries
A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office. "Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?"

"Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.

There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'."


December 25, 2006 - Christmas Gift
A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas.

A friend of his said, "I thought she wanted one of those pretty 4-Wheel drive vehicles."

"She did," he replied, "But where in the world was I going to find a fake jeep!!"


December 22, 2006 - Lengthy Discourse

A visiting minister was very long-winded. Worse, every time he would make a good point during his sermon and a member of the congregation responded with "Amen" or "That's right, preacher" he would get wound up even more and launch into another lengthy discourse.

Finally, the host pastor started responding to every few sentences with "Amen, Pharaoh!" The guest minister wasn't sure what that meant, but after several more "Amen, Pharaohs" he finally concluded his very lengthy sermon.

After the service concluded and the congregation had left, the visiting minister turned to his host and asked, "What exactly did you mean when you said "Amen, Pharaoh?"

His host replied, "I was telling you to let my people go!"


December 21, 2007 - Christmas Shopping
It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the prisoner, "What are you charged with?" "Doing my Christmas shopping early," replied the defendant."That's no offense," said the judge. "How early were you doing this shopping?""Before the store opened," countered the prisoner.


December 20, 2006 - Cute Baby
"When we brought our new-born son to the pediatrician for his first checkup, the doctor said, "You have a cute baby." Smiling, I said, "I'll bet you say that to all the new parents.""No," he replied, "just to those whose babies are really cute.""So what do you say to the others?" I asked."He looks just like you."


December 19, 2006 - Jar 47

A new doctor had arrived in town. He could cure anything and anybody. Everyone was amazed with what he could do - everyone except for Mr. Thompson, the town skeptic.
Grumpy old Mr. Thompson went to visit this 'miracle doctor' to prove that he wasn't anybody special. When it was time for his appointment he told the doctor, "Hey, doc, I've lost my sense of taste. I can't taste nothin', so what are ya goin' to do?"

The doctor scratched his head and mumbled to himself a little, then told Mr. Thompson, "What you need is jar number 47."

So the doctor brought the jar out, opened it, and told Mr. Thompson to taste it. He tasted it and immediately spit it out, "This is gross!" he yelled. "Looks like I just restored your sense of taste Mr. Thompson," said the doctor. So Mr. Thompson went home.... very mad.

One month later, Mr. Thompson decides to go back to the doctor and try once again to expose him as a fake, by complaining of a new problem. "Doc," he started, "I can't remember anything!" Thinking he had the doctor stumped now, he waited as the doctor scratched his head, mumbled to himself a little, and told Mr. Thompson, "What you need is jar number 47, it's......"

But before the doctor could finish his sentence, Mr. Thompson was cured and fled the room!


December 18, 2006 - Golf Questions
Jill: I just don't understand the attraction golf holds for men.

Nadine: TELL me about it! I went golfing with my husband one time, and he told me I asked too many questions!

Jill: Well, I'm sure you were just trying to understand the game. What questions did you ask?

Nadine: I thought I asked legitimate questions like, "Why did you hit the ball into that lake?"


December 15, 2006 - Razor Request

Ronnie went down to the barbershop. He gets his hair cut and then gets a shave. After being nicked by the barber several times, Ronnie says, "Hey buddy, have you got an extra razor?"

The barber replies, "Well, yes sir I do. Would you prefer shaving yourself?"

Ronnie said, "Well, not exactly. But I thought I might defend myself."


December 14, 2006 - Label Warning
For Christmas, I received a beautiful knife set--top quality. The accompanying cutting board, however, was a different story.

On the wrapping around it was printed this warning: "Opening with sharp object may damage this product."


December 13, 2006 - Eggplant Sale

A grocer put up a sign that read "Eggplants, 25¢ ea.--three for a dollar."

All day long, customers came in exclaiming: "Don't be ridiculous! I should get four for a dollar!"

Meekly, the grocer gave in and packaged four eggplants. The tailor next door had been watching these antics and finally asked the grocer, "Aren't you going to fix the mistake on your sign?"

"What mistake?" the grocer asked. "Before I put up that sign no one ever bought more than one eggplant."


December 12, 2006 - Taking a Chance

Two Philistines were driving a semi down a road when they came to a viaduct. The sign said 10 feet zero inches, so they got out to measure their truck. Unfortunately, the truck was just over 12 feet high.

They didn't know what to do, when finally one of them looked both directions and said, "I don't see any cops, let's go for it!"


December 11, 2006 - Mixed Signals
A three-year-old in the congregation regularly watched football games with his father. So much so, that he knew some of the signals the referee makes.

On a recent Sunday, as the pastor raised his hands high to offer a blessing, the child interrupted the service by shouting, "Touchdown!"


December 8, 2006 - Tow Request

The minister's car wouldn't start and so he called the garage to come and tow it in for repairs. When the truck driver appeared at his house to get the car, the minister says, "I hope you go easy on me. You know I'm only a poor preacher."

"I know," replied the tow truck driver... "I've heard you preach."


December 7, 2006 - Friendly Golf

Two friends were beginning a game of golf.

The first man stepped up to the tee, hit the ball, and scored a hole-in-one.

The other man said, "Now I'll take MY practice swing, and then we'll start the game."


December 6, 2006 - Missed Bus
The new family in the neighborhood overslept, and their six-year-old daughter missed her school bus.

The father, though late for work, offered to drive her if she'd direct him to the school.

They rode several blocks before she told him to turn the first time, several more before she indicated another turn. This went on for 20 minutes - but when they finally reached the school, it proved to be only a short distance from their home.

The father, much annoyed, asked his daughter why she'd led him around in such a circle.

The child explained, "That's the way the school bus goes, Daddy. It's the only way I know."


December 5, 2006 - New and Improved

One day a little girl was sitting on her grandpa's knee playing with his long beard and patting his baldhead, and asked "Did God make me?"

"Yes my dear" her grandpa replied.

"Did God make you?” she asked. "Yes he did" he replied again she then said "well he sure does a better job these days doesn’t he.


December 4, 2006 - Wedding Report

"How did the wedding go?" asked the preacher's wife.

"Just fine until I asked the bride if she would obey and she said, 'Do you think I'm nuts?' and the groom said, 'I do,' and then things really began to happen fast."


December 1, 2006 - Jury Duty

Judge: Is there any reason you could not serve as a juror in this case?

Juror: I don't want to be away from my job that long.

Judge: Can't they do without you at work?

Juror: Yes, but I don't want them to know it.

There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'."


December 25, 2006 - Christmas Gift
A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas. A friend of his said, "I thought she wanted one of those pretty 4-Wheel drive vehicles." "She did," he replied, "But where in the world was I going to find a fake jeep!!"


December 22, 2006 - Lengthy Discourse
A visiting minister was very long-winded. Worse, every time he would make a good point during his sermon and a member of the congregation responded with "Amen" or "That's right, preacher" he would get wound up even more and launch into another lengthy discourse.

Finally, the host pastor started responding to every few sentences with "Amen, Pharaoh!" The guest minister wasn't sure what that meant, but after several more "Amen, Pharaohs" he finally concluded his very lengthy sermon. After the service concluded and the congregation had left, the visiting minister turned to his host and asked, "What exactly did you mean when you said "Amen, Pharaoh?" His host replied, "I was telling you to let my people go!"

November 2006

November 30, 2006 - Pay Mistakes
One day, an employee received an unusually large check. She decided not to say anything about it.

The following week, her check was for less that the normal amount and she confronted her boss.

The supervisor inquired, “How come you didn’t say anything when you were overpaid?”

The employee replied, “Well, I can overlook one mistake ­ but not two in a row!”


November 29, 2006 - Fast Driver

My mom has a lead foot, so I was not surprised when a state trooper pulled us over as we were speeding through Georgia.

Hoping to get off with a warning, Mom tried to appear shocked when the trooper walked up to the car.

"I have never been stopped like this before," she said to the officer.

"What do they usually do, ma'am," he asked, "shoot the tires out?"


November 28, 2006 - Memory Improvement

I knew that as I was getting older, and finally able to admit it, certain things were starting to "slip." In an effort to prevent this "slippage," I went enthusiastically to a three-hour seminar on memory improvement.

After an hour I left. Turns out I took the same course, given by the same professor, last year.


November 27, 2006 - A Change of Seasons
Teacher: Dudley, can you tell me what the four seasons are?

Dudley: Salt, pepper, mustard, and vinegar.


November 24, 2006 - The Careless Apprentice
A young apprentice optometrist recently got careless and got his hand caught in the lens grinder. He wasn't seriously hurt, but he certainly made a spectacle of himself.


November 23, 2006 - Thanksgiving Humor

Why did the police arrest the turkey?
They suspected it of fowl play.

What did the turkey say before it was roasted?
Boy! I'm stuffed!

Why did the turkey cross the road?
It was the chicken's day off.

Which side of the turkey has the most feathers?
The outside


November 22, 2006 - Special Request for a Thanksgiving Meal

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked the stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy answered, "No ma'am, they're dead."


November 21, 2006 - Dollar Measure
Our mom needed a new mattress for her antique bed, so my brother, Josh, and I decided to buy her one as a gift. The problem was we weren't sure what to get, because it was an odd size. Fortunately, my brother happened to be visiting my mother one day when I called home. "Measure the bed frame before you leave," I told him.

"I don't have a tape measure."

"You can use a dollar bill," I suggested, "each one is six inches long."

"Can't," he replied after digging through his wallet, "I only have a ten."


November 20, 2006 - Morning Pills

This morning, before I had my first cup of coffee and chased the cob webs from my brain, there was a bit of a mess-up with the pills on the kitchen counter.

I wish to announce to any of those interested that I shall now be heartworm-free for the next 30 days.


November 17, 2006 - Lost Baggage
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up.

She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands.

"Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?"


November 16, 2006 - Important Memo
My colleagues and I recently received this email from the facilities department:

"Due to construction, your office may be either cooler or warmer than usual on Tuesday. Please dress accordingly."


November 15, 2006 - Who's Kidding Who?

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asked the young Engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"

The Engineer replies, "In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

The interviewer enquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years say, a red Corvette?"

The Engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?"

And the interviewer replies, "Yeah, but you started it."


November 14, 2006 - Where There is a Will, There is a Way

Seems an elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased you can hear again." To which the gentleman said, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will five times!"


November 13, 2006 - Brain Over Brawn
The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had had enough. "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back." "You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you got." The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in."


November 10, 2006 - Watch and You'll See
Three engineers and three accountants were traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each bought tickets and watched as the three engineers bought only one ticket.

"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked an accountant.
"Watch and you'll see", answered an engineer.

They all boarded the train. The accountants took their respective seats, but the three engineers all crammed into a rest room and closed the door behind them. Shortly after the train departed, the conductor came around collecting tickets. He knocked on the restroom door and said, "Ticket, please".

The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand.

The conductor took it and moved on.

The accountants saw this and agreed it was a quite clever idea. So, after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that). When they got to the station, they bought a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers didn't buy a ticket at all.

"How are you going to ride without a ticket"? said one perplexed accountant.

"Watch and you'll see", answered an engineer.

When they boarded the train, the three accountants crammed into a restroom and the three engineers crammed into another one nearby. The train departed. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers left his restroom and walked over to the restroom where the accountants were hiding. He knocked on the door and said, "Ticket, please."


November 9, 2006 - Sports Injury
Giving a man his physical, a doctor noticed several dark, ugly bruises on his shins, so he asked,

"Do you play hockey?"

"No"

"Do you play soccer?"

"No"

"Do you play any other physical sport?"

"Not at all. I just play bridge with my wife."


November 8, 2006 - Wireless Security
How to install a wireless security system:

Go to a second-hand store, buy a pair of men's used work boots ... a really big pair. Put them outside your front door on top of a copy of Guns and Ammo magazine. Put a dog dish beside it ... a really big dish. Leave a note on your front door that says something like this:

"Bubba, Big Mike and I have gone to get more ammunition - back in 30 minutes. Don't disturb the pit bulls, they've just been wormed."


November 7, 2006 - Leak Repair
My husband's skills with do-it-yourself home repairs are at best mediocre. After spending several evenings trying to fix a leak in the bathroom, he finally admitted defeat and called a plumber, who finished the job in ten minutes.

Watching him put away his equipment, my son asked what had been the problem.

"Well," the plumber replied, "seems that your father got hold of some tools..."


November 6, 2006 - Exact Address
Torrential rainstorms were knocking down power lines all over town. That meant, as a customer service rep for the electric company, I was dispatching repairmen right and left.

When one lineman called a customer to get her exact address, he was told, "I'm at Post Office Box 99."

The weary lineman replied, "Ma'am, I'll be coming to you in a truck, not an envelope."


November 3, 2006 - Bus Fare

Before boarding a bus, a man asked the driver, "What is the fare to the train station?"

"Sixty cents," said the driver.

The man raced alongside the bus until the next stop and then gasped, "What is the fare now?"

"Ninety cents," said the driver. "You're running the wrong way."


November 2, 2006 - Dog Weather

To tell the weather, go to your back door and look for the dog.

If the dog is at the door and he is wet, it's probably raining.

But if the dog is standing there really soaking wet, it is probably raining really hard.

If the dog's fur looks like it's been rubbed the wrong way, it's probably windy.

If the dog has snow on his back, it's probably snowing.

Of course, to be able to tell the weather like this, you have to leave the dog outside all the time, especially if you expect bad weather.

Sincerely,

The Cat


November 1, 2006 - Parking Confusion

After driving up and down several lanes, I finally found a parking spot at the shopping mall. I noticed another man driving very slowly in the same direction, and, since he was closer, I gave him the "Are you going to park there?" look.

His responding gestures were very confusing. First he shook his head. Next he pointed at me, then at the parking space and then at himself, his watch and the mall. Finishing off, he frowned, raised his palms upward and shrugged. Once I parked, I walked over to the driver to make sure he didn't want the space.

"You must be single," he replied. "If you were married, you would've known that was the universal sign for 'Go ahead and take the spot. I'm waiting for my wife.'"

October 2006

October 31, 2006 - Valuable Tips on Life, Part 2
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he doesn't like it, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Do you ever wonder why you gave me your email address?


October 30, 2006 - Valuable Tips on Life, Part 1

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?


October 27, 2006 - Signs of Aging, Part 3
You know you're getting older if:

Your little black book contains only names ending in M.D.

You get winded playing chess.

Your children begin to look middle-aged.

You know all the answers, but nobody asks you the questions.

You look forward to a dull evening.

Your favorite part of the newspaper is "Twenty-five Years Ago Today."


October 26, 2006 - Signs of Aging, Part 2
You know you're getting older if:

When your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.

When you're on vacation and your energy runs out before your money does.

When you say something to your kids that your mother said to you and you always hated it.

You know you are getting older if you can't remember what school paste used to taste like.

Everything hurts and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work.

The gleam in your eye is from the sun hitting your bifocals.


October 25, 2006 - Signs of Aging, Part 1

You know you're getting older if:

You and your teeth don't sleep together.

You try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks and discover you aren't wearing any.

At the breakfast table you hear snap, crackle, pop and you're not eating cereal.

Your back goes out but you stay home.

When you wake up looking like your driver's license picture.

It takes two tries to get up from the couch.


October 24, 2006 - Emergency Flowers
I stopped at a florist shop after work to pick up roses for my wife. As the clerk was putting the finishing touches on the bouquet, a young man burst through the door, breathlessly requesting a dozen red roses.

"I'm sorry," the clerk said. "This man just ordered our last bunch." The desperate customer turned to me and begged, "May I please have those roses?"

"What happened?" I asked. "Did you forget your wedding anniversary?"

"It's even worse than that," he confided. "I crashed my wife's hard drive!"


October 23, 2006 - Nutritious Eating
According to a recent article I just read on nutrition, they said eating right doesn't have to be complicated. Nutritionists say there is a simple way to tell if you're eating right. Colors. Fill your plates with bright colors. Greens, reds, yellows.

In fact, I did that this morning. I had an entire bowl of M&M's. It was delicious! I never knew eating right could be so easy.

I now have a whole new outlook on life.


October 20, 2006 - VIP Impression
My husband was once employed in the printing division of a large manufacturing firm. One morning, word came from the top that some visiting VIPs would be touring the plant in just a few minutes. All production was immediately shut down as employees scrambled to quickly tidy up the work place.

When the appointed lookout yelled, "Here they come!" fifty fingers that were poised over fifty machine start-up buttons pressed down in unison and blew every fuse in the building.


October 19, 2006 - Build It and They Will Come
The telephone solicitor selling basement waterproofing must have thought she'd died and gone to heaven when she reached my very polite and patient son on the phone. At the end of her long sales pitch, she asked, "Do you mind if we send out someone to give you an estimate?"

"Not at all," my son said.

"When would be a good time?" she asked.

My son answered, "Just as soon as I dig a basement."


October 18, 2006 - Resume Help
My husband, an auto mechanic, was looking for higher-paying work and asked me to write his resume on the computer. As I typed, I used spell check to make sure everything was perfect.

I soon found another benefit to this function... it doubled as career advisor. Every time it stopped on the word Mazda, it suggested I change it to Mercedes.


October 17, 2006 - Brother Review
Arriving for a visit, a woman asked her small grand daughter, "How do you like your new baby brother?"

"Oh, he's all right," the child shrugged. "But there were a lot of things we needed worse."


October 16, 2006 - Taps System
During an attack of laryngitis I lost my voice completely for two days. To help me communicate with him, my husband devised a system of taps.

One tap meant, "Give me a kiss," two taps meant "No," three taps meant "Yes," and 95 taps meant "Take out the garbage."


October 13, 2006 - Letter From Home

I had an extended tour of duty in Okinawa in 1958 and was unable to bring my wife and children with me. After I had been overseas eight months, I received a letter from my seven-year-old son.

"Dear Dad," he wrote. "I guess Mom has told you we've got a new pop named John."

I was relieved to learn he had made a spelling error. He was referring to the recently named Pope John XXIII.


October 12, 2006 - 2 Best Recipes
Newlywed Wife: "The 2 things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie."

Newlywed Husband: "Oh? And which is this?"


October 11, 2006 - Doctor News
The doctor took his patient into his office and said, "I have some good news and some bad news."

The patient said, "Give me the good news."

The doctor said, "They're going to name a disease after you."


October 10, 2006 - Overdrawn
While waiting in line at the bank, a co-worker developed a very loud case of hiccups. By the time he reached the teller's window, the hiccups seemed to have worsened. The teller took my friend's check and proceeded to run a computer verification of his account. After a minute she looked up from her terminal with a frown and said that she would be unable to cash his check.

"Why not?" my friend asked incredulously.

"I'm sorry, sir," she replied, "but our computer indicates that you do not have sufficient funds to cover this amount. As a matter of fact," she continued, "our records show your account overdrawn in excess of $5000."

"It can't be!" he cried. "You have to be kidding!"

"Yes, I am," she answered with a smile, counting out his cash. "But you will notice that your hiccups are gone."


October 9, 2006 - Hospital Information

A friend of mine was in the hospital awaiting the arrival of her first child. When I telephoned the hospital to see if the baby had arrived, Dr. Wilson said it had. I asked if it was a boy or girl and was told that it was against hospital policy to give this information over the phone.

"Fine," I said. "I can understand that. But can you tell me what she didn't have?"

"It wasn't a boy," replied Dr. Wilson.


October 6, 2006 - Card Name
A customer called the airline's reservation office to pay for his ticket with a credit card. The reservation specialist asked him, "Would you please spell the name as it appears on the card, sir?"

The customer carefully replied, "V-I-S-A."


October 5, 2006 - Money Date
Part way through his dinner date, my brother deduced the woman he was with was more interested in his money than in him. When the check came, he took out his credit card to pay the bill and was not surprised to hear her gush, "Is that a platinum card?"

"No," my brother replied dryly. "It's aluminum."


October 4, 2006 - Breathe
A lady on a commuter train was reading a newspaper article about life and death statistics.

Fascinated, she turned to the man next to her and said, "Did you know that every time I breathe somebody dies?"

"Really!?" he said, "Have you tried mouthwash?"


October 3, 2006 - Spelling Code
A client called to report an accident and ask if her insurance rates would go up.

"Our underwriting department determines that", I said. Then I asked for her license number. Verifying her information, I asked, "NMF? Is that N as in Nancy, M as in Mary, and F as in Frank?"

"Well, yes," she said. "But could you please tell your underwriters that it's also N as in Not, M as in My, and F as in fault?"


October 2, 2006 - Spa First Day
A woman joined a health spa, and on her first day eagerly joined in an exercise class. However, when it ended she went to the front desk and requested cancellation of her membership.

When asked why, she replied, "Your floors are so low that I cannot touch my toes!"
October 31, 2006 - Valuable Tips on Life, Part 2
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he doesn't like it, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Do you ever wonder why you gave me your email address?


October 30, 2006 - Valuable Tips on Life, Part 1
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?


October 27, 2006 - Signs of Aging, Part 3
You know you're getting older if:

Your little black book contains only names ending in M.D.

You get winded playing chess.

Your children begin to look middle-aged.

You know all the answers, but nobody asks you the questions.

You look forward to a dull evening.

Your favorite part of the newspaper is "Twenty-five Years Ago Today."


October 26, 2006 - Signs of Aging, Part 2You know you're getting older if:

When your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.

When you're on vacation and your energy runs out before your money does.

When you say something to your kids that your mother said to you and you always hated it.

You know you are getting older if you can't remember what school paste used to taste like.

Everything hurts and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work.

The gleam in your eye is from the sun hitting your bifocals.


October 25, 2006 - Signs of Aging, Part 1
You know you're getting older if:

You and your teeth don't sleep together.

You try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks and discover you aren't wearing any.

At the breakfast table you hear snap, crackle, pop and you're not eating cereal.

Your back goes out but you stay home.

When you wake up looking like your driver's license picture.

It takes two tries to get up from the couch.


October 24, 2006 - Emergency Flowers
I stopped at a florist shop after work to pick up roses for my wife. As the clerk was putting the finishing touches on the bouquet, a young man burst through the door, breathlessly requesting a dozen red roses.

"I'm sorry," the clerk said. "This man just ordered our last bunch." The desperate customer turned to me and begged, "May I please have those roses?"

"What happened?" I asked. "Did you forget your wedding anniversary?"

"It's even worse than that," he confided. "I crashed my wife's hard drive!"


October 23, 2006 - Nutritious Eating
According to a recent article I just read on nutrition, they said eating right doesn't have to be complicated. Nutritionists say there is a simple way to tell if you're eating right. Colors. Fill your plates with bright colors. Greens, reds, yellows.

In fact, I did that this morning. I had an entire bowl of M&M's. It was delicious! I never knew eating right could be so easy.

I now have a whole new outlook on life.


October 20, 2006 - VIP Impression
My husband was once employed in the printing division of a large manufacturing firm. One morning, word came from the top that some visiting VIPs would be touring the plant in just a few minutes. All production was immediately shut down as employees scrambled to quickly tidy up the work place.

When the appointed lookout yelled, "Here they come!" fifty fingers that were poised over fifty machine start-up buttons pressed down in unison and blew every fuse in the building.


October 19, 2006 - Build It and They Will Come
The telephone solicitor selling basement waterproofing must have thought she'd died and gone to heaven when she reached my very polite and patient son on the phone. At the end of her long sales pitch, she asked, "Do you mind if we send out someone to give you an estimate?"

"Not at all," my son said.

"When would be a good time?" she asked.

My son answered, "Just as soon as I dig a basement."


October 18, 2006 - Resume Help
My husband, an auto mechanic, was looking for higher-paying work and asked me to write his resume on the computer. As I typed, I used spell check to make sure everything was perfect.

I soon found another benefit to this function... it doubled as career advisor. Every time it stopped on the word Mazda, it suggested I change it to Mercedes.


October 17, 2006 - Brother Review
Arriving for a visit, a woman asked her small grand daughter, "How do you like your new baby brother?"

"Oh, he's all right," the child shrugged. "But there were a lot of things we needed worse."


October 16, 2006 - Taps System
During an attack of laryngitis I lost my voice completely for two days. To help me communicate with him, my husband devised a system of taps.

One tap meant, "Give me a kiss," two taps meant "No," three taps meant "Yes," and 95 taps meant "Take out the garbage."


October 13, 2006 - Letter From Home
I had an extended tour of duty in Okinawa in 1958 and was unable to bring my wife and children with me. After I had been overseas eight months, I received a letter from my seven-year-old son.

"Dear Dad," he wrote. "I guess Mom has told you we've got a new pop named John."

I was relieved to learn he had made a spelling error. He was referring to the recently named Pope John XXIII.


October 12, 2006 - 2 Best Recipes
Newlywed Wife: "The 2 things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie."

Newlywed Husband: "Oh? And which is this?"


October 11, 2006 - Doctor News
The doctor took his patient into his office and said, "I have some good news and some bad news."

The patient said, "Give me the good news."

The doctor said, "They're going to name a disease after you."


October 10, 2006 - Overdrawn
While waiting in line at the bank, a co-worker developed a very loud case of hiccups. By the time he reached the teller's window, the hiccups seemed to have worsened. The teller took my friend's check and proceeded to run a computer verification of his account. After a minute she looked up from her terminal with a frown and said that she would be unable to cash his check.

"Why not?" my friend asked incredulously.

"I'm sorry, sir," she replied, "but our computer indicates that you do not have sufficient funds to cover this amount. As a matter of fact," she continued, "our records show your account overdrawn in excess of $5000."

"It can't be!" he cried. "You have to be kidding!"

"Yes, I am," she answered with a smile, counting out his cash. "But you will notice that your hiccups are gone."


October 9, 2006 - Hospital Information
A friend of mine was in the hospital awaiting the arrival of her first child. When I telephoned the hospital to see if the baby had arrived, Dr. Wilson said it had. I asked if it was a boy or girl and was told that it was against hospital policy to give this information over the phone.

"Fine," I said. "I can understand that. But can you tell me what she didn't have?"

"It wasn't a boy," replied Dr. Wilson.


October 6, 2006 - Card Name
A customer called the airline's reservation office to pay for his ticket with a credit card. The reservation specialist asked him, "Would you please spell the name as it appears on the card, sir?"

The customer carefully replied, "V-I-S-A."


October 5, 2006 - Money Date
Part way through his dinner date, my brother deduced the woman he was with was more interested in his money than in him. When the check came, he took out his credit card to pay the bill and was not surprised to hear her gush, "Is that a platinum card?"

"No," my brother replied dryly. "It's aluminum."


October 4, 2006 - Breathe
A lady on a commuter train was reading a newspaper article about life and death statistics.

Fascinated, she turned to the man next to her and said, "Did you know that every time I breathe somebody dies?"

"Really!?" he said, "Have you tried mouthwash?"


October 3, 2006 - Spelling Code
A client called to report an accident and ask if her insurance rates would go up.

"Our underwriting department determines that", I said. Then I asked for her license number. Verifying her information, I asked, "NMF? Is that N as in Nancy, M as in Mary, and F as in Frank?"

"Well, yes," she said. "But could you please tell your underwriters that it's also N as in Not, M as in My, and F as in fault?"


October 2, 2006 - Spa First Day
A woman joined a health spa, and on her first day eagerly joined in an exercise class. However, when it ended she went to the front desk and requested cancellation of her membership.

When asked why, she replied, "Your floors are so low that I cannot touch my toes!"

September 2006

September 29, 2006 - Zoo Sign
Although fun to visit, zoos do pose certain perils. But to whom? A sign posted in the Knoxville Zoo in Tennessee cautioned visitors:

"Please be safe. Do not sit, climb, or lean on the zoo fences. If you fall, animals could eat you, and that would make them sick."


September 28, 2006 - Landing Request
There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked."

Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down.

"Ah," the pilot remarked, "the dreaded seven-engine approach."


September 27, 2006 - Guard Dog
My boyfriend, Tim, a mechanic, does work for the Air Force Academy. One day, a guard asked, "Mind if our new guard dog practices sniffing your truck?

Tim obliged and the dog went to work. Almost immediately, it latched onto a scent and jumped into the truck bed sniffing furiously.

Tim became nervous. There were no drugs or weapons. What could the dog be after? A few minutes later, the guard approached Tim.

"Sorry," he said sheepishly, "our dog ate your lunch."


September 26, 2006 - Construction Noise
During a beautiful spring afternoon, I was attending a music festival. Just as I stopped to listen to a folk singer, a group of exhibitors, dragging out tools and sawhorses, began setting up their display booth nearby. All their shouting and hammering made it difficult to enjoy the music. The noise they made got louder and even more obnoxious and intrusive as time went on.

Finally, to everyone's relief, they completed the construction.

As a finishing touch, they hung a sign on their booth. It read "Silent Auction."


September 25, 2006 - True Chain of Command
While the soldiers stood at attention during a parade, a private waved to someone in the audience. "Jones, never do that again!" the drill instructor whispered. But a few minutes later, the soldier waved a second time.

Back in the barracks after the parade, the DI stormed in and barked for Jones to come front and center. "Son, you knew I was going to see you," he screamed. "You knew it was wrong. Aren't you afraid of me?"

"Yes, sir!" replied Jones. "But you don't know my mother!"


September 22, 2006 - Teacher Tech Help
The computer in my high school classroom recently started acting up. After watching me struggle with it, one of my students came up and took over. "Your hard drive crashed," he said.

I called the computer services office and explained, "My computer is down. The hard drive crashed."

"We can't just send people down on your say-so. How do you know that's the problem?"

"A student told me," I answered.

"We'll send someone over right away."


September 21, 2006 - Brotherly Chores
Drew and Timmy were brothers. One day Mom and Dad had to go into town. Dad told Drew, "While we are gone I want you boys to clear away the dirty dishes, clean your room, and mow the grass."

When they returned nothing had been done. Dad was very upset. He asked Drew, "What have you been doing while we were gone?"

Drew replied in a low voice, "Nothing."

Dad then turns to Timmy and asks, "What have you been doing?"

Timmy replied, "Helping Drew."


September 20, 2006 - Parachute Training
I volunteered recently to perform a parachute jump for charity. On our first day of training, the instructor made an important point about preparing for landing at 300 feet.

"How do you know when you're at 300 feet?" asked one woman.

"A good question," replied the instructor. "At 300 feet you can recognize the faces of people on the ground."

The woman thought about this for awhile before saying, "What happens if there's no one there I know?"


September 19, 2006 - Kiss Good-bye
"Dad," a teenaged girl says, running into her father's den, "I'd like to kiss you good-bye before I go to school!"

"You're too late, honey. Your mother just did that two minutes ago, and I don't have any cash left on me."


September 18, 2006 - Gym OopsNew to the area, I was eager to meet people. So one day I struck up a conversation with the only other woman in the gym.

Pointing to two men playing racquetball in a nearby court, I said to her, "There's my husband." Then I added, "The thin one--not the fat one."

After a slightly uncomfortable silence she replied, "And that's my husband - the fat one."


September 15, 2006 - Job Impressions
I had always talked about my job a lot at home, and my young daughter had always expressed great interest. So I thought it would be a treat for her to spend the day with me at the office. Since I wanted it to be a surprise, I didn't tell her where we were going, just that it would be fun. Although usually a bit shy, she seemed excited to meet each colleague I introduced.

On the way home, however, she seemed somewhat down.

"Didn't you have a nice time?" I asked.

"Well, it was okay." she responded. "But I thought it would be more like a circus."

Confused, I asked, "Whatever do you mean?"

She said, "Well, you said you work with a bunch of clowns, and I never got to see them!"


September 14, 2006 - Nail Biting
Most of us have a bad habit we are constantly trying to break. For me, it’s biting my fingernails. One day I told my husband about my latest solution: press-on nails.

"Great Idea, Honey,” he smiled. “You can eat them straight out of the box."


September 13, 2006 - Neighborhood Explosion
The whole neighborhood shook from the explosion. As shopkeepers ran outside to see what happened, they spotted the pharmacist staggering out of his smoldering building.

His white uniform was now scorched black. He went up to a woman standing nearby.

"Lady!" he said, "Would you please ask your doctor to write that prescription again. And this time, PRINT IT!"


September 12, 2006 - Signs That Old Age Might Be Creeping Up On You

Your favorite section of the newspaper is "25 Years Ago Today."

The parts that have arthritis are the parts where you feel best.

A big evening with your friends is sitting around comparing living wills.

Your clothes go into the overnight bag so you can fill the suitcase with your pills.

Somebody you consider an old-timer calls you an old-timer.

Your idea of a change of scenery is looking to the left or right.

Your knees buckle, but your belt won't.


September 11, 2006 - A Good Haircut
Our supervisor recently made a casual comment about my shaggy mane of hair. He then went on to extol the virtues of a good haircut, which, he insisted, makes an elderly man look younger and a younger man seem more mature.
"How would a haircut make a middle-aged man like me appear?" I asked.

"Still employed," he answered.


September 8, 2006 - Car Moving
It had been snowing for hours when an announcement came over the intercom: "Will the students who are parked on University Drive please move their cars so that we may begin snow plowing."

Twenty minutes later there was another announcement: "Will the twelve hundred students who went to move 26 cars please return to class.


September 7, 2006 - What's Good Tonight?
Our family owned restaurant is the setting for many of our discussions about how to handle the customer who asks, "What's good tonight?"

Obviously, we would never serve anything we didn't think was good. I braced myself one Saturday night when I heard the dreaded question posed to my husband.

He calmly replied, "Anything over $13.95."


September 6, 2006 - The True Test
During class, the chemistry professor was demonstrating the properties of various acids. "Now I'm dropping this silver coin into this glass of acid. Will it dissolve?"

"No, sir," a student called out.

"No?" queried the professor. "Perhaps you can explain why the silver coin won't dissolve."

"Because if it would, you wouldn't have dropped it in."


September 5, 2006 - What Happened

"What happened?" asked the hospital visitor to the heavily bandaged man sitting up in bed.

"Well, I went down to Margate at the weekend and decided to take a ride on the roller coaster. As we came up to the top of the highest loop, I noticed a little sign by the side of the track. I tried to read it but it was very small and I couldn't make it out. I was so curious that I decided to go round again, but we went by so quickly that I couldn't see what the sign said. By now, I was determined to read that sign so I went round a third time. As we reached the top, I stood up in the car to get a better view."

"And did you manage to see what the sign said this time?" asked the visitor.

"Yes."

"What did it say?"

"Don't stand up in the car!"


September 4, 2006 - Testing Positive
I'm a middle school band teacher, and I match students to instruments by testing them on various mouthpieces. While most children demonstrate aptitude on more than a single instrument, there was one boy who was having difficulty on every one he tried, and he was becoming disheartened.

Finally, he found success on a tuba mouthpiece. He was so happy that he asked to call his mother.

"Mom, guess what!" I overheard him exclaim. "I tested positive for tuba!"


September 1, 2006 - Variable-speed Limit
Safety is a major concern at the manufacturing company where I work. So I'm constantly preaching caution to the workers I supervise. "Does anyone know," I asked a few guys, "what the speed limit is in our parking lot?"

The long silence that followed was interrupted when one of them piped up. "That depends. Do you mean coming in to work or leaving?"

August 2006

August 31, 2006 - Repeat Your Position
A lifeboat was called out to rescue a yacht in trouble. The coastguard, trying to get the yacht's location, called it on the radio. "What is your position? Repeat, what is your position?"

And the reply came back, "My position? Well I'm marketing director of a medium sized computer software company."


August 30, 2006 - True Wisdom? Pt. 3
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened.

Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.


August 29, 2006 - True Wisdom? Pt. 2
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

OK...so what's the speed of dark?

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?


August 28, 2006 - True Wisdom? Pt. 1
A day without sunshine is like....night.

On the other hand, you have more fingers.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.


August 25, 2006 - Faulty Owner's Manual
One of my daughter's wedding presents was a toaster oven. Soon after the honeymoon, she and her husband tried it out. Almost immediately, smoke billowed out of the toaster. "Get the owner's manual!" her husband shouted.

"I can't find it anywhere!" she cried, searching through the box.

"Oops!" came a voice from the kitchen. "Well, the toast is fine, but the owner's manual is burnt to a crisp."


August 24, 2006 - Kitchen Help
My brother-in-law came home to an empty house one day and decided he would start dinner. First, he would make the salad. He searched high and low for the big bowl for making the salad and finally found it in the refrigerator, half full of Kool Aid.

"Who on earth put Kool Aid in a bowl?" He looked around and found some empty pop bottles, rinsed them out and using a funnel, transferred the Kool Aid to the pop bottles and returned them to the fridge. He then made the salad and started the rest of the dinner.

Later, my sister came home. She had been to the store and was putting some things in the fridge, when suddenly she asked her husband, "Who on earth put my Jello in pop bottles?"


August 23, 2006 - Healthful Place
Mr. Peterson, a tourist from Toronto, arrived in Barbados. In an airport taxi cab, Peterson asked the driver, "Say, is this really a healthful place?"

"It sure is," the cabby replied. "When I came here I couldn't say one word. I had hardly any hair on my head. I didn't have the strength to walk across a room, and I had to be lifted out of bed."

"That's wonderful!" said the tourist, "How long have you been here?"

"I was born here."


August 22, 2006 - Denture Feedback
A couple of old guys were golfing when one said he was going to Dr. Taylor for a new set of dentures in the morning.

His friend remarked that he had gone to the same dentist a few years before. "Is that so?" the first said. "Did he do a good job?"

"Well, I was on the course yesterday when the fellow on the ninth hole hooked a shot," he said. "The ball must have been going 200 mph when it hit me in the stomach. That," he added, "was the first time in two years my teeth didn't hurt."


August 21, 2006 - 75 Stories
Fred, Jim, and Scott were at a convention together and were sharing a large suite on the top of a 75-story skyscraper.

After a long day of meetings, they were shocked to hear that the elevators in their hotel were broken and they would have to climb 75 flights of stairs to get to their room.

Bill said to Jim and Scott, "Let's break the monotony of this unpleasant task by concentrating on something interesting. I'll tell jokes for 25 flights, Jim can sing songs for the next 25 flights, and Scott can tell sad stories for the rest of the way."

At the 26th floor, Bill stopped telling jokes and Jim began to sing. At the 51st floor, Jim stopped singing and Scott began to tell sad stories.

"I will tell my saddest story first," he said. "I left the room key in the car!"


August 18, 2006 - Bibles and Cellular Phones
I wonder what would happen if we treated our Bible like we treat our cell phones? 
What if we carried it around on our belt, in our purses or pockets?
What if we turned back to go get it if we forgot it?
What if we flipped through it several times a day?
What if we used it to receive messages from the text?
 What if we treated it like we couldn't live without it?
What if we gave it to kids as gifts?
What if we used it as we traveled?
What if we used it even when it wasn't an emergency?
This is something to make you go...hmmm...where is my Bible?

Oh, and one more thing...

Unlike our cell phone, we don't ever have to worry about our Bible being disconnected because Jesus already paid the bill!


August 17, 2006 - Orchestra Note
While a famous orchestra was on tour, the conductor found this note under his hotel room door one night:

"I think you should know that the fellow in your band who plays the instrument that pulls in and out only bothered playing during the odd moments you were looking at him and pointing your stick straight at him."


August 16, 2006 - Correct Response
While in an instrument flight-training class at Reese Air Force Base, Texas, I dozed off and, to my dismay, was awakened by a question posed by my instructor.

My buddy whispered the correct response to me. After I gave the answer, my instructor replied, "Good, lieutenant," but his remarks were directed to my friend.

"Next time, put your hand behind his neck to work his jaw, and don't let your lips move so much."


August 15, 2006 - Need a Pen?
A patient at the dental office where I was a receptionist stopped by my desk to pay her bill. She began rummaging through her purse, as so many patients did when they had a check to write.

"Do you need a pen?" I asked, offering her the use of mine.

"Yes, thank you," she replied. She took it, put it in her handbag and proceeded to pay in cash.


August 14, 2006 - Video Surprise
Without realizing it, I walked right into a police stakeout at my local video rental store. When a young man stepped out the door, a group of officers pounced, cuffed him and hustled him into a squad car.

Seeing my astonished frozen expression, one cop came over and said, "When they say the movie is due by noon the next day... they mean it!"


August 11, 2006 - Post Card Help
A man writing at the post office desk was approached by an older fellow with a post card in his hand. The old man said, "Sir, I'm sorry to bother you but could you address this post card for me? My arthritis is acting up today and I can't even hold a pen."

"Certainly sir," said the younger man, "I'd be glad to."

He wrote out the address and also agreed to write a short message and sign the card for the man. Finally, the younger man asked, "Now, is there anything else I can do for you?"

The old fellow thought about it for a moment and said, "Yes, at the end could you just add, 'PS: Please excuse the sloppy handwriting.'?"


August 10, 2006 - Parts Search
I was living in the mountains above Denver when my college buddy, Gary, arrived in his ancient Maserati sports car. He had just driven it from Ohio, and as he pulled into my driveway, the car broke down.

Calls to auto-supply houses and garages in search of replacement parts proved futile. The 1962 model was simply too rare. Responses ranged from "Mas-a-what?" to "You've got to be kidding."

One guy just laughed.

I was at the end of the listings in the Yellow Pages when I dialed Victor's Garage. "Vic," I said, "you're my last hope. Do you carry any parts for a 1962 Maserati?"

There was a long pause. Finally, Victor cleared his throat. "Yes," he replied. "Oil."


August 9, 2006 - Coast Guard Lingo

When my husband joined the Coast Guard, I knew there would be some adjustments. Not only did I have to get accustomed to his short haircut, but also to his new sailor lingo. I eventually got used to him saying aye instead of yes, but nothing prepared me for the night when I was seven months pregnant and trying to roll over in bed.

In his sleep, with a very military-sounding voice, my husband shouted at the top of his lungs, "She's comin' on the port side!"


August 8, 2006 - Remember that Street Name

In 1952 I was in the Army and just arrived in Frankfurt, Germany. I had no money and asked about getting some. I found out that it was easy to get to a pawn shop by calling a taxi.

I got a taxi (that was an experience in itself) went to a pawn shop and pawned my watch. I wrote down the street name and number so I could get back.

On payday I called a cab again to get my watch. I gave the driver the street and number as 2245 Eienbanstrausa and he burst out laughing.

Eienbanstrausa means "One Way Street."


August 7, 2006 - The Age Advantage
Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked.

She simply replied, "No peer pressure."


August 4, 2006 - New Diet
Needing to shed a few pounds, my husband and I went on a diet that had specific recipes for each meal of the day. I followed the instructions closely, dividing the finished recipe in half for our individual plates. We felt terrific and thought the diet was wonderful - we never even felt hungry!

But when we realized we were gaining weight, not losing it, I checked the recipes again.

There, in fine print, was: "Serves 6."


August 3, 2006 - A Great Workout

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising.

I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour.

But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.


August 2, 2006 - Tycoon Banter
A Texas Oil Tycoon and an Alaskan Oil Tycoon were debating on which state had the most oil.

The Alaskan Oil Tycoon said, "Listen, there is so much oil in Alaska that I could buy enough gold to build a wall of solid gold 100 feet tall and 100 feet wide all the way around the state of Texas".

The Texas Oil Tycoon scratched his chin and adjusted his cowboy hat and said, "Well boy, I'll tell ya what....you just go ahead and build that wall, and if I like it.......I'll buy it."


August 1, 2006 - Tired and Thirsty
Three students are leaving their last classes of the day.

The law student is thinking, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have coffee."

The english student is thinking, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have latte."

The medical student is thinking, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have diabetes."

July 2006

July 31, 2006 - Wheat Exports
Not expecting to do well on the economics exam, Bill was heartened by the first question: In any given year, and to the nearest ton, how much wheat did the United States export?

Smiling confidently, he wrote, "In 1492, none."


July 28, 2006 - Good Old Days

Grandpa was always going on about the good old days, and the lower cost of living, in particular. "When I was a kid, my mom could send me to the store, and I'd get a salami, two pints of milk, 6 oranges, 2 loaves o' bread, a magazine, and some new blue jeans... all for a dollar!!"

Then Grandpa said sadly, "You can't DO that anymore..... they got those video cameras everywhere you look."


July 27, 2006 - Punishment Withheld
Teacher: " George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didn't punish him?

One Student: "Because George still had the axe in is hand?"


July 26, 2006 - Swahili Gasp
A company was producing an English-language movie. In one scene, an exhausted messenger was supposed to dash in, collapse, and gasp out a vital message in Swahili. The company even found someone who knew the language. The scene worked beautifully in the movie -- until it played in an African town where Swahili was well known. A moment of high drama nose-dived into comedy as the panting messenger gasped out:

"I don't think I am being paid enough for this part!"


July 25, 2006 - Asking the Right Question?
I play pinochle regularly with seven other women, most of whom are 70 or older. Recently we celebrated the birthday of our oldest member by taking her out to lunch. When the waitress came to take our order, one of the women said to her, "This is a very special occasion. It's Elsie's ninety-second birthday."

The waitress made seven instant enemies and one fast friend by asking the question, "Which one is Elsie?"


July 24, 2006 - Dependents
A man submitting information to his income tax preparer was asked how many dependents he had. "Sixteen," he replied.

The preparer asked, "Would you mind repeating that?"

The man replied, "Not if I can help it."


July 21, 2006 - Flight Fear

Our co-worker kept trying to get her mother to fly out for a visit. "No way am I getting on an airplane," was the inevitable answer.

"Look, Mom, when it's your time to go, it doesn't matter if you're on the ground or in the air."

"I know," said her mother. "I just don't want to be that far off the ground when it's the pilot's time to go."


July 20, 2006 - Ten Minute Wait
I called to make airline reservations and was put on hold. After several minutes of taped music, a recorded voice came on:

"If you have been waiting longer than ten minutes, you may press eight. This will not speed up your call, but it will give you something to do while you wait."


July 19, 2006 - Questions Worth Asking, Part 3
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?


July 18, 2006 - Questions Worth Asking, Part 2
Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

If you were to create mouse-flavored cat food, who would test it to let you know it definitely tastes like mouse?


July 17, 2006 - Questions Worth Asking, Part 1

Why do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters?

Why do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight?

Why do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering?

Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darken our skin ?

Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?


July 14, 2006 - Famous Last Words, Pt. 5
*Let it down slowly
*Don’t unplug it, it will only take a minute to fix.
"What does this button do?"
*Don't turn it on yet, it's not quite ready.
*Step back a bit, I can't get you in the picture.
*Don't worry, it's not used any more.
*Listen, I'm taking a course in chemistry, I know what I'm doing.
*Yes, of course the elastic is strong enough.
*You have driven this before, haven't you?
*And that one over there...the red flashing one. What does that mean?
*It's OK, I saw them do it on TV.


July 13, 2006 - Famous Last Words, Pt. 4

*OK, this is the last time.
*Don't be so superstitious.
*Now watch this.
*This planet has an atmosphere just like on earth.
*What duck?
*Hey everyone, watch this!
*Look! No hands!
*Are you sure the electricity is off?
*I wonder where the mother bear is?
*What happens when I touch these to wires together?
*That’s odd...


July 12, 2006 - Famous Last Words, Pt. 3
*I'll get your toast out.
*It's strong enough for both of us.
*This doesn't taste right.
*I can make this light before it changes.
*Nice doggie.
*I can do that with my eyes closed.
*I've done this before.
*Well we've made it this far.
*I'll just slip into the commuter lane for a second.
*I don't think we're in Kansas anymore.
*You wouldn't hit a guy with glasses on, would you?


July 11, 2006 - Famous Last Words, Pt. 2
*No, my shoes aren't untied.
*The odds of that happening have to be a million to one!
*Why is the rest of the Star Trek landing party wearing a different color?
*Pull the pin and count to what?
*Which wire was I supposed to cut?
*These are the good kind of mushrooms.
*I'll hold it and you light the fuse.
*What's that priest doing here?
*Let it down slowly.
*Rat poison only kills rats.
*It can't possibly rain for forty days and nights.


July 10, 2006 - Famous Last Words, Pt. 1
*I'll get a world record for this.
*Let me reach in and get your watch out of the printing press.
*Hey, there's no handles inside these car doors!
*Gee, that's a cute tattoo.
*It's fireproof.
*He's probably just hibernating.
*What does this button do?
*I'm making a citizen's arrest.
*So, you're a cannibal.
*It's probably just a rash.
*Yeah, I made the deciding vote on the jury, so what of it?


July 7, 2006 - Missing Bags
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area so I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because they were trained professionals and I was in good hands.

"Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?"


July 6, 2006 - Oriskany Falls
The little old lady seated herself right behind the bus driver. Every ten minutes or so she'd pipe up, "Have we reached Oriskany Falls yet, sonny?"

"No, lady, not yet. I'll let you know," he replied, time after time.

A few minutes later, she piped up again "Are we there yet, sonny? Have we reached Oriskany Falls?"

Once again, he replied "No, not yet. I'll let you know when we get there!"

The hours passed, the old woman kept asking for Oriskany Falls, and finally the little town came into view.

Sighing with relief, the driver slammed on the breaks, pulled over and called out, "This is where you get out, lady."

"Is this Oriskany Falls?"

"YES!" he bellowed. "Get out!"

"Oh, I'm going all the way to Albany, sonny," she explained sweetly. "It's just that my daughter told me that when we got this far, I should take my blood pressure pill."


July 5, 2006 - Church Bulletin Bloopers, Part 3
Due to construction on the north side of the parking lot, we will soon be changing entrances. Please exit the new driveway, which is the one in between the old entrance and the old exit. Please exit from the new exit, which is the old entrance.

Our Senior's group is sponsoring a dance December 12. You can dance the night away from 5:00 until 7:00 p.m. for only $5 per person.

What are you doing for lunch Tuesday? Local funeral director, Barry Gilbert, will talk about the benefits of cremation.


July 4, 2006 - Church Bulletin Bloopers, Part 2
Events: December 9th, Christmas caroling at the Parkview Nursing Home 7:00 p.m., December 10th, Breakfast with Satan 6:00 to 9:00 a.m. in the Fellowship Hall.

The youth group had a scavenger hunt, did face painting, and played a game called, "Find the gun." They had a great time.

The Pastor's Corner: A Personal Massage from Jesus


July 3, 2006 - Church Bulletin Bloopers, Part 1
Several members who have been in the hospital are not on their way to recovery, for which we are thankful.

The Jack and Kill Daycare is looking for someone to help part time on Saturdays.

Our Wednesday night family cafeteria meal will feature a variety of Chinese dishes including One Ton soup.

June 2006

June 30, 2006 - Mowing the Lawn
I was trying to mow the lawn before my husband got home from work, but our electric lawn mower refused to cooperate. It would run fine for a few seconds, then cut off, run again, then cut off again. Finally, I gave up and waited for my husband.

He had a good laugh when he diagnosed the problem. Instead of plugging in the mower using a three-prong adapter, I had hooked up the cord through the Christmas-tree light blinker.


June 29, 2006 - Not as Bad as They Say
Chuck was sitting in an airplane when another fellow took a seat Beside him. The new guy was an absolute wreck...pale, hands shaking, biting his nails and moaning in fear.

"Hey pal, what's the matter?" Chuck asked.

"Oh man... I've been transferred to Texas. There are crazy people in Texas. They have shootings, gangs, race riots, drugs, high crime rate...."

"Hold on," Chuck interrupted, "I've lived in Texas all my life and it is not as bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, enroll your kids in a good school and it's as safe as anywhere in the world."

The other passenger relaxed and stopped shaking for a moment and said, "Oh thank you. I've been worried to death, but if you live there and say it's OK, I'll take your word for it. What do you do for a living?"

"Me?" said Chuck, "I'm a tail gunner on a bread truck in Laredo."


June 28, 2006 - Pig Call
A church secretary takes a call. The caller says, "Is the head hog at the trough there?"
The secretary says, "Please Sir, do not refer to our pastor as the head hog at the trough.  That is very insulting."

"Oh, I'm very sorry. I meant nothing by that. It's just a local phase we use in the part of the country I come from. The real reason I called was to donate $50,000.00 to your building fund."

The secretary says, "Hold on. I see the 'Big Oinker' coming through the door right now."


June 27, 2006 - A Blind Fish?
What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.


June 26, 2006 - Think or Thwim
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving that
you can't have your kayak and heat it too.


June 23, 2006 - Shopping Quandary
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but couldn't find any.


June 22, 2006 - No Seeing-eye Dog
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog is cross-eyed. Is there any thing you can do?" "Let's have a look at him." says the vet. So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "Just because he's cross-eyed?" asks the man. "No, because he's really heavy," says the vet.


June 21, 2006 - What About the Kids?
An invisible man marries an invisible woman.
The kids were nothing to look at either.


June 20, 2006 - Make Sure You are Positive
Two hydrogen atoms meet on the street. One says, "I've lost my electron."
The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."


June 19, 2006 - Love Signals
Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married.
The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.


June 16, 2006 - Clear Honesty
As the three ladies picked up a menu, each put on a pair of glasses.
"I really only need mine for close reading," explained the first.

Remarked the second, "I only use mine when the light is bad."

The third confessed, "I rarely wear mine - except when I want to see."


June 15, 2006 - Lost
Bob took his new wife camping for the first time. At every opportunity, he passed along outdoor-survival lore.

One day they got lost hiking in the deep woods. Bob tried the usual tactics to determine direction - moss on the trees (there was no moss), the direction of the sun (it was an overcast day).

Just as his wife was beginning to panic, Bob spotted a small cabin off in the distance. He pulled out his binoculars, studied the cabin, then turned and led his wife right back to their camp.

"That was terrific," she said, impressed. "How did you do it?"

"Simple," he replied. "In this part of the country all TV satellite dishes point south."


June 14, 2006 - The Informal Hearing Test
A man feared his wife was not hearing as well as she used to, and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family doctor to discuss the problem.

The doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

"Here's what you do," said the doctor. "Stand about 40 feet away from her and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away. Let's see what happens."

In a normal tone he asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

No response.

So the husband moves to closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife, and repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

Again, no response.

So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for dinner?"

Again, there is no response.

So he walks right up behind her and says, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

"Earl, for the 5th time, CHICKEN!"


June 13, 2006 - The Yard Sale
A lady was taking her time browsing through everything at a yard sale and said to the homeowner, "My husband is going to be very angry when he finds out I stopped at a yard sale."

"I'm sure he'll understand when you tell him about all the bargains," the homeowner replied.

"Normally, yes," the lady said. "But he just broke his leg, and he's waiting for me to take him to the hospital to have it set."


June 12, 2006 - Surgical Tools
To address an emergency call, a doctor came to see a rich patient at his home, who was screaming with extreme stomach pain and was surrounded by many anxious relatives. The Doctor kicked all the relatives out of the room and closed the door with the patient and himself inside.

After a while he came out and asked, "Please give me a pair of scissors." People gave him stainless steel scissors. He again went inside, closed the door and soon came back. He said, "Please give me a hammer." He got one. A number of times he repeated the routine of going inside, closing the door and then coming back again for a new tool.

Finally he came outside one more time and asked, "Please give me a screw driver." The oldest son could not stand it any more and lost his patience. In a crying voice he pleaded, "Doctor please tell us what has happened to our dear Dad. Will he live? Could we open his will?"

The doctor said, "No, I don't know that yet. I am still trying to open my stupid bag - I lost the key.


June 9, 2006 - All About Mothers - Answers by Children, Part 7
Is anything about your mom perfect?
1. Her teeth are perfect, but she bought them from the dentist.
2. Her casserole recipes. But we hate them.
3. Just her children.

What would it take to make your mom perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd dye it, maybe blue.

If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.
2. I'd make my mom smarter -- then she would know my sister did it and not me.


June 8, 2006 - All About Mothers - Answers by Children, Part 6
What's the difference between moms and grandmas?
1. About 30 years.
2. You can always count on grandmothers for candy. Sometimes moms don't even have bread on them.

Describe the world's greatest mom?
1. She would be able to make broccoli taste like ice cream.
2. The greatest mom in the world wouldn't make me kiss my fat aunts.
3. She'd always be smiling and keep her opinions to herself.


June 7, 2006 - All About Mothers - Answers by Children, Part 5
What's the difference between moms and dads?
1. Moms work at work and work at home, and dads just work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller and stronger, but moms have all the real power because that's who you have to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.

What does your mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't have spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.


June 6, 2006 - All About Mothers - Answers by Children, Part 4
Why did your mom marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my mom eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that mom didn't have her thinking cap on.

What makes a real woman?
1. It means you have to be really bossy without looking bossy.

Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because Dad is such a goofball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than Dad.


June 5, 2006 - All About Mothers - Answers by Children, Part 3
What kind of little girl was your mom?
1. My mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.

How did your mom meet your dad?
1. Mom was working in a store and dad was shoplifting.

What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer? Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?


June 2, 2006 - All About Mothers - Answers by Children, Part 2
Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?
1. We are related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.

What ingredients are mothers made of?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string. I think.


June 1, 2006 - All About Mothers - Answers by Children, Part 1
Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the Scotch Tape is.
2. Think about it. It was the best way to get more people.
3. Mostly to clean the house.
4. To help us out of there when we were getting born.

How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic, plus super powers, and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.

May 2006

May 31, 2006 - Brothers and Sisters
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat, one little boy answered, "Thou shalt not kill."


May 30, 2006 - The Trip to Jerusalem
A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem. A small child replied: "They couldn't get a baby-sitter."


May 29, 2006 - What Would You Do?
A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?" He said, "Call for backup."


May 26, 2006 - A Helping Hand?
A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!" While she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again. As she ran, she once again began to pray, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late... But please, don't shove me either!"


May 25, 2006 - Special Request
An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, "They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead.


May 24, 2006 - Shakespearean in Dallas
A kid and his mom were walking on the sidewalk in Dallas. The kid, being 100% Texan, upon seeing some cowboys, said, "Hey Maw, look at them thar men with them thar bowed laigs."

She said that if he didn't start speaking correct English, she was going to send him to a Shakespearean English school.

A little further along, they saw some more cowboys. "Hey maw! Look at them thar men with them thar bowed legs!" he said.

So, true to her word, she sent him off to a Shakespearean English school to learn correct English.

He came home several months later on vacation. As they walked together down the sidewalk, they saw some cowboys.

"Hark!" he said, "What manner of men are these who wear their legs in parentheses?"


May 23, 2006 - You know you are a geek when
*You look at a movie trailer and think, "I have that font."
*You get bittersweet nostalgic feelings about your long-lost Commodore 64 (or Sinclair ZX-81, TRS-80, etc.) and use large amounts of money & time trying to track one down.
*You check your web access page more than once a day.
*You have more e-mail addresses than pairs of shoes.
*Although vaguely insulted by pocket-protector jokes, you still find them funny.
*Someone asks you what languages you know, and you reply: "German, French, Assembler, Java, and C++."


May 22, 2006 - Garage Wow
There was a knock at the door. It was a small boy, about six years old. Something of his had found its way into my garage, he said, and he wanted it back.

Upon opening the garage door, I noticed two additions: a baseball and a broken window sporting a baseball-sized hole. "How do you suppose this ball got in here?" I asked the boy.

Taking one look at the ball, one look at the window, and one look at me, the boy exclaimed, "Wow! I must have thrown it right through that hole!"


May 19, 2006 - Traffic Laughs, Part 2
* The only way to get home from work on time is to take the day off... even then, you're cutting it close.

* Traffic is so bad nowadays, a pedestrian is someone in a hurry.

* You can sit on the highways forever. In fact, some places have little exit ramps where you can pull over and make a car payment.

* During rush hour the only way you can change lanes is to buy the car driving next to you.


May 18, 2006 - Traffic Laughs, Part 1

* Freeway congestion is getting so bad, you can change a tire without losing your place in line.

* All across the country rush hour traffic is bumper to bumper. The next thing they'll be selling is antiperspirant to put under your car's fenders.

* Traffic is always heavy in both directions. There are just as many people trying to get to whatever you're trying to get away from.

* You have mixed feelings when you see an opening in rush hour traffic. You're glad for the opening, but you wonder who died.

* It's useless to print road maps anymore. You just get on the highway and go wherever the other cars take you.


May 17, 2006 - Milk Switch
To help a friend lose weight, I told her that she should switch to lower-fat foods, including skim milk. When she said her family would drink only whole milk, I suggested that she keep their regular container and refill it with skim milk. This worked for quite a while, until her daughter asked one morning whether the milk was okay.

"Sure, it's fine," my friend answered, fearing she had been found out. "Why do you ask?"

The daughter explained, "Well, according to the expiration date, this milk expired two years ago!"


May 16, 2006 - Clergy Crowd Control

A young clergyman, fresh out of seminary, thought it would help him better understand the fears and temptations his future congregations faced if he first took a job as a policeman for several months.

He passed the physical examination; then came the oral exam to test his ability to act quickly and wisely in an emergency.

Among other questions he was asked, “What would you do to disperse a frenzied crowd?” He thought for a moment and then said, “I would pass an offering plate.”
He got the job.


May 15, 2006 - Clergy Golf

Taking advantage of a balmy day in New York, my brother and three other priests swapped their clerical garb for polos and khakis and time out on the golf course. After several really horrible shots, their caddy asked, "You guys wouldn't be priests by any chance?"

"Actually, yes, we are," one cleric replied. "Why?"

"Because," said the caddy, "I've never seen such bad golf and such clean language."


May 12, 2006 - Lost Ball

My job as a land surveyor took me to a golf course that was expanding from 9 holes to 18 holes.

Using a machete to clear thick brush in an area I was mapping, I came upon a golf club that an irate player must have tossed away. It was in good condition, so I picked it up and continued on.

When I broke out of the brush onto a putting green, two golfers stared at me in awe. I had a machete in one hand, a golf club in the other, and behind me was a clear-cut swath leading out of the woods.

"There," said one of the golfers, "is a guy who hates to lose his ball!"


May 11, 2006 - Parting Words
A pastor was leaving his area and was saying farewell to his congregation at the church doors for the last time. He shook the hand of an elderly lady as she walked out. She said,

"Your successor won't be as good as you."

"Nonsense", said the pastor, in a flattered tone.

"No, really", said the old lady, "I've been here under five different ministers and each new one has been worse than the last."


May 10, 2006 - Drive Slower
Two Philistines were racing down a bumpy back road in a pretty beat up car to a bank they were going to rob.

"Drive slower" pleaded the one in the passenger seat, "I don't want all the dynamite in the trunk to explode."

"Relax," the driver replied, "even if it did, I've got a spare box under the seat."


May 9, 2006 - Anti-burglar Signs
The following are a few simple ways to keep burglars out of the house by putting a few signs in well-placed locations:

Dear Mr. Butcher, starting tomorrow, please leave eight pounds of meat for Brutus. Six pounds only makes him angry and vicious!

Dear Mr. Mailman, we found bloodstains all over our mail. They must be yours. The next time you put mail into our slot, please be sure to keep all parts of your body well clear of all openings. P.S. - Any sign of that book we sent for, "The Care and Feeding of Wild Jungle Cats"?

Dear Mr. Exterminator, be very careful when you go inside! The termites have eaten through most of the floorboards and you will fall into the basement where all of the rats are!

To whom it may concern: Some of the items in this house have been engraved with Federal Identification Numbers. Others have merely been wired to explode when touched. Good luck.

Selma, don't come in! The boa constrictor got loose again.


May 8, 2006 - A Hi-Tech Litmus Test

This morning, on the church newsletter were these instructions:

Hold this paper close to your nose and blow hard into the paper.

If the sheet turns green, you need to see a doctor.

If it turns blue, see your dentist.

If it turns red, see your bank manager.

If it turns black, you need to check your will, so see your lawyer immediately.

If, however, it does not change color, then there is nothing wrong with you, so there is no reason why you should not be in church again next week.


May 5, 2006 - Expecting

"How does Jamie like being pregnant?" Danny asked his friend Ryan.

"Oh, she's not pregnant," Ryan replied, "she's expecting."

"What's the difference?" Danny pressed.

"Well," Ryan explained, "She's expecting me to cook dinner, she's expecting me to do the housework, she's expecting me to rub her feet."


May 4, 2006 - Pain Management
My niece, pregnant with her second child, was certain she wanted an epidural for pain management during childbirth.

Her doctor asked her at which stage of labor she wanted the epidural administered.

Her response: "Just meet me in the parking lot when I arrive!"


May 3, 2006 - Patio Problem

My husband, Ray, was attempting to build a patio for the first time. He bought 100 cement blocks. Laying them out in a pattern, he discovered the chosen area was too small.

He stacked the blocks against the house and cleared more space. The next day Ray put the cement blocks back down, only to find that the ground was too hard to keep the patio level.

He ordered a truckload of sand to be delivered the following morning. Again he stacked the 100 blocks against the house.

Observing all this, our next-door neighbor asked, "Ray, are you going to put your patio away every night?"


May 2, 2006 - Interpreting Hotel Brochures
Old world charm ............. No bath
Tropical ............. Rainy
Majestic setting ............. A long way from town
Options galore ............. Nothing is included in the itinerary
Secluded hideaway ............. Impossible to find or get to
Pre-registered rooms ............. Already occupied
Explore on your own ............. Pay for it yourself
Knowledgeable trip hosts ............. They've flown in an airplane before
No extra fees ............. No extras
Nominal fee ............. Outrageous charge
Standard ............. Sub-standard
Deluxe ............. Standard
Superior ............. One free shower cap
All the amenities ............. Two free shower caps
Cozy ............. Small
Plush ............. Top and bottom sheets
Gentle breezes ............. Occasional Gale-force winds
Light and airy ............. No air conditioning
Picturesque ............. Theme park nearby
Concierge ............. Stand with tourist brochures
Continental breakfast ............. Free muffin


May 1, 2006 - Oarsmen News
One day, the Captain of the 40-oared royal Nile barge went down to speak to the oarsmen in the hold of his ship.

"Men, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is, the Queen will be joining us today for a trip up the Nile."

The men cheered and sang the praises of the Queen.

The captain then continued, "The bad news is, she wants to go water skiing."