August 31, 2005 - Wooden Bayonet
A Civil War soldier, who had lost his bayonet, whittled one from wood so that he could pass inspection. He hoped he would not be discovered until the regiment had gone into battle, where he planned to pick one up from a dead soldier.
At inspection, an officer asked to see his bayonet. The soldier stated, "Sir, I promised my father I would not unsheathe my bayonet unless I intended to kill someone with it."
The officer insisted that the soldier hand over the bayonet.
Taking it out, the soldier looked skyward and said, "May the Lord change my bayonet to wood for breaking my vow." He then proceeded to hand it over to the officer.
August 30, 2005 - Tax Colors
A Dutchman was explaining the red, white and blue Netherlands flag to an American.
"Our flag is symbolic of our taxes. We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bills, and blue after we pay them."
The American nodded. "It's the same in the USA only we see stars too!"
August 29, 2005 - You Know It's Hot Outside When...
** you ask your boss for extra work so you can be in the air conditioning as much as possible
** you've been getting hot flashes, and you're a man
** the swans in the park come in "original recipe" and "extra crispy"
** the strawberries are ripe, and the cab drivers are even riper
** the hot-dogs sold outside Yankee Stadium are actually hot
** pigs complain about sweating like fat humans
** a scalding hot shower still cools you down
** people walking down the sidewalk spontaneously burst into flames
** a $20 surcharge is added to your bill when you eat at air-conditioned restaurants
** the politicians take their hands out of your pockets to fan themselves
** you need a spatula to remove your clothing
** you wish you had gotten the cloth seats instead of leather
** you are sweating in both directions -- up and down!
** your brother's braces make blisters on his lips
August 26, 2005 - Battle of the Will
Thinking his son would enjoy seeing the re-enactment of a Civil War battle, Bob took Will to the event. But the poor child was terrified by the booming cannons. During a lull, Will's dad finally got him calmed down.
That's when the Confederate general hollered, "Fire at will!"
August 25, 2005 - Offering Encouragement
A minister in a little church had been having trouble with the collections.
One Sunday he announced, "Now, before we pass the collection plate, I would like to request that the person who stole the chickens from Brother Martin's hen house please refrain from giving any money to the Lord. The Lord doesn't want money from a THIEF!"
The collection plate was passed around, and for the first time in months everybody gave.
August 24, 2005 - Exercise
- I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.
- The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.
- If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
- Walking can add minutes to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5000 per month.
- My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. Now she's 97 years old and we don't know where on earth she is.
- I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there.
- And last but not least: I don't exercise because it makes the ice jump right out of my glass of cola.
August 23, 2005 - Haircut Request
When a customer slid into the barber chair, the barber asked him how he wanted his hair cut.
"Make it short," the customer replied, "with a bare patch above my left ear, but longer on the right side so that it covers my right ear. I also want my left sideburn above my left ear and the right sideburn below my right ear."
The barber looked puzzled and said, "I don't think I can do that."
The customer replied, "I don't know why not--that's the way you cut it the last time I was here!"
August 22, 2005 - Needed Support
One morning a local highway department crew reaches their job-site and realizes they have forgotten all their shovels. The crew's foreman radios the office and tells his supervisor the situation.
The supervisor radios back and says, "Don't worry, we'll send some shovels... just lean on each other until they arrive."
August 19, 2005 - A Point Well Made
Defendant: Your Honor, I want you to appoint me another lawyer.
Judge: And why is that?
Defendant: Because the Public Defender isn't interested in my case.
Judge (to Public Defender): Do you have any comments on the defendant's motion?
Public Defender: I'm sorry, Your Honor. I wasn't listening.
August 18, 2005 - Withheld Pay
After being laid off from five different jobs in four months, my Uncle Joe was hired by a warehouse. One day he lost control of a forklift and drove it off the loading dock.
Surveying the damage, the owner shook his head and said he'd have to withhold 10 percent of Uncle Joe's wages to pay for the repairs.
"How much will it cost?" asked my uncle.
"About $4,500," said the owner.
"What a relief!" exclaimed Uncle Joe. "I've finally got job security!"
August 17, 2005 - Career Change
When Ruthie's grandson Jordan was 5, he always told everyone he wanted to be a doctor when he grew up. One day he was running through the house and into the corner of a chair and hurt his eye. He cried for a while and kept saying, "Oh no, oh no, now I can't be a doctor when I grow up."
Ruth assured him he could still be a doctor and Jordan kept telling her he couldn't. Finally she asked, "Why can't you be a doctor?"
Holding one hand over his eye, Jordan said, "Because now I will have to be a pirate!"
August 16, 2005 - Words Per Day
Bob was reading an article out loud to his wife. "Did you know that women use about 30,000 words a day, whereas men only use 15,000 words?"
Sadie replies, "The reason is because a woman has to say everything twice."
Bob turns to Sadie and asks, "What?"
August 15, 2005 - Driving is Going to the Dogs
As I drove into a parking lot, I noticed that a pickup truck with a dog sitting behind the wheel was rolling toward a pedestrian. The person standing there seemed oblivious to the oncoming vehicle, so I hit my horn to get their attention. The person looked up just in time to jump out of the way of the truck's path, and the vehicle bumped harmlessly into the curb and stopped.
I rushed to the person's side to see if they were all right. "I'm fine," they assured me, "but I hate to think what could have happened to me if that dog hadn't honked."
August 12, 2005 - Heart-felt Allegiance
Jimmy was at his first day of school. The teacher advised the class to start the day with the Pledge of Allegiance, and instructed them to put their right hands over their hearts and repeat after him. He looked around the room as he started the recitation, "I pledge allegiance to the flag..."
When the teacher's eyes fell on Jimmy, he noticed his hand over the right cheek of his behind.
"James, I will not continue till you put your hand over your heart."
Jimmy replied, "It is over my heart."
After several attempts to get Jimmy to put his hand over his heart, the teacher asked, "Why do you think that is your heart?"
"Because, every time my Grandma comes to visit, she picks me up, pats me here, and says, 'Bless your little heart,' and my Grandma wouldn't lie."
August 11, 2005 - Great Cheese
The customer in the Italian restaurant was so pleased with his meal that he asked to speak to the chef. The owner proudly led him into the kitchen and introduced him to the chef.
"Your veal parmigiana was superb," the customer said. "I just spent a month in Italy, and yours is better than any I ever had over there."
"Naturally," the chef said. "Over there, they use domestic cheese. Ours is imported!"
August 10, 2005 - The Brilliant Engineers?
The brilliant engineer and his brilliant assistant were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up. A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.
"We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole," said the brilliant assistant, "but we don't have a ladder."
The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement, announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away.
The brilliant engineer shook his head and laughed. Isn’t that just like a dumb blonde! We ask for the height, and she gives us the length!
August 9, 2005 - Movie Night
My wife was complaining that I spend too much time on the computer and not enough time with her. I decided to fix that by having a "movie night" with her.
We watched Hackers, The Net, Anti-Trust and The Matrix.
She's still mad at me. What did I do?
August 8, 2005 - Time Management
The church wanted to help their congregation cope better with the stresses of modern life, and decided to offer a course in Time Management.
Soon after the course was announced, a member telephoned the Pastor.
"What time does the course start, Pastor?"
The Pastor replied, "Oh... sixish, sevenish...."
August 5, 2005 - You're No Longer A Kid When...
- Driving a car doesn't always sound like fun.
- You have friends who have kids.
- You are taller than the slide at the McDonald's playland.
- Your parents' jokes are now funny.
- Naps are good.
- When things go wrong, you can't just yell, "Do-over!"
- You WANT clothes for Christmas.
- You look in the surveillance camera monitor at the convenience store, wonder who that guy is standing at the counter with the bald spot, and then realize it is a shot of you from behind.
August 4, 2005 - Better Trainer
A fellow computer programmer for a consulting group had designed some software for one of our largest accounts. He asked my help in putting it into operation.
At first, he handled most of the work. Eventually, though, he asked me to help with the last phase of the training. When I sat down with one woman and told her I would be showing her how to make changes to the files, she sighed with relief. "I'm so glad you're teaching me instead of him."
Surprised, I said that my colleague was far more experienced than I was.
"Yes," she said, "but I feel much more comfortable with you. I get nervous around really smart people."
August 3, 2005 - Most Famous Man
A trio of old veterans were bragging about the heroic exploits of their ancestors one afternoon down at the VFW hall.
"My great grandfather, at age 13," one declared proudly, "was a drummer boy at Shiloh."
"Mine," boasts another, "went down with Custer at the Battle of Little Big Horn."
"I'm the only soldier in my family," confessed vet number three, "but if my great grandfather was living today he'd be the most famous man in the world."
"Really? What'd he do?" his friends wanted to know.
"Nothing much. But he would be 165 years old."
August 2, 2005 - Grandma Thanks
A grandmother was headed out the door to go to church one Sunday when she got a call from her daughter. “Would Grandma like to have her three little grandchildren visit while her daughter and son-in-law took a five-day holiday trip?” Grandma was so delighted she put five dollars in the collection basket at church and thanked the Lord.
The Sunday after the grandchildren had returned home, she put twenty dollars in the collection.
August 1, 2005 - Zucchini Sign
After harvesting the usual bumper crop of squash last year, I took a half-dozen to the office. I piled them on the table in the break room and posted a sign advertising them as free.
The next day I noticed an addition to my sign. Below "Free Zucchini," someone had written, "Save the Whales."
Good, Clean Jokes and Funny Stories
Good, Clean Jokes and Funny Stories
While the Bible isn't a joke book, it is obvious that humor played an important role in Hebrew culture. When drought hit Jacob's world he turned to his sons and said, "Why are you staring at one another...Go down [to Egypt] and buy some for us" (Gen 42:1-2). I also hear humor in some of Jesus' remarks, like when He renamed James and John the "sons of thunder" or when He said the Pharisees where like whitewashed tombs, full of dead men's bones (Matt 23). I think we need the picture of Jesus laughing and enjoying people. In fact, while Jesus indeed had many hard things to say, He was also full of emotion, joy and celebration. Even as He rebuked the Pharisees, we see a glimpse of His demeanor in ministry when He scolded them saying, "We played the flute for you, but you would not dance" (Matt 11). There was something very non-religious in Jesus that laughter, celebration and humor is part of. Hopefully, these jokes, stories and quips will help make your day more merry as you walk with the Lord Jesus through this world.