May 31, 2005 - Friar Florists
Some friars were behind in their belfry payments, so they opened a small florist shop to raise the funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, the rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair.
He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. He asked his mother to go ask the friars to get out of business. They ignored her. So, the rival florist hired Hugh Mac Taggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close shop. Terrified, the friars did so.
The Moral of the Story: Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars!!!
May 30, 2005 - Shopkeepers Competition
The shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read BEST DEALS.
He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading LOWEST PRICES.
The shopkeeper was panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop.
May 27, 2005 - A Play on Words
Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.
A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.
Definition of a will: A dead give away.
In democracy your vote counts; in feudalism your count votes.
She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
A lot of money is tainted - It taint yours and it taint mine.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
If you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-dough basis.
Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
May 26, 2005 - Real Church Bulletin Bloopers, Part 4
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
May 25, 2005 - Real Church Bulletin Bloopers, Part 3
The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: "Break Forth Into Joy."
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
May 24, 2005 - Real Church Bulletin Bloopers, Part 2
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.
May 23, 2005 - Real Church Bulletin Bloopers, Part 1
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."
Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands.
The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
May 20, 2005 - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder
Do you suffer from A. A. A. D. D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder?
This is how it manifested itself for one poor fellow:
I decide to water my garden ...As I turn on the hose in the driveway, ...I look over at my car and decide that my car needs washing.
... As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mailbox earlier.
... I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.
... I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the trash can under the table, and notice that the trash can is full.
... So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the trash first.
... But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the trash anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.
... I take my checkbook off the table, and see that there is only one check left ... My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go to my desk where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking.
... I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. I see that the Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.
... As I head toward the kitchen with the coke a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need to be watered.
... I set the Coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.
... I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.
... I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote.
... Someone left it on the kitchen table.
... I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.
... I splash some water on the flowers, but most of it spills on the floor.
... So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.
... Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.
... At the end of the day: the car isn't washed, the bills aren't paid, there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter, the flowers aren't watered, there is still only one check in my checkbook, I can't find the remote, I can't find my glasses, and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
... Then when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired.
... I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.
... Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!
GROWING OLDER IS MANDATORY.
GROWING UP IS OPTIONAL.
LAUGHING AT YOURSELF IS THERAPEUTIC!
May 19, 2005 - The Storms of Life
A little girl walked to and from school daily. Though the weather that day was questionable and clouds were forming, she made her daily trek to the elementary school. As the afternoon progressed, the winds whipped up, along with thunder and lightning. The mother of the little girl felt concerned that her daughter would be frightened as she walked home from school and she herself feared that the electrical storm might harm her child.
Following the roar of thunder, lightning, like a flaming sword, would cut through the sky. Full of concern, the mother quickly got into her car and drove along the route to her child's school. As she did so, she saw her little girl walking along, but at each flash of lightning, the child would stop, look up and smile. Another and another were to follow quickly and with each the little girl would look at the streak of light and smile.
When the mother's car drew up beside the child she lowered the window and called to her, "What are you doing? Why do you keep stopping?" The child answered," I am trying to look pretty. God keeps taking my picture."
May God bless you today as you face the storms that come your way.
May 18, 2005 - Dog-gone Good Advice
If a dog was the teacher, you would learn stuff like:
When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.
Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.
Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.
When it's in your best interest, practice obedience.
Let others know when they've invaded your territory.
Stretch before rising.
Run, romp, and play daily.
Thrive on attention and let people touch you.
Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.
On warm days, stop to lie on your back on the grass.
On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree.
When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body.
No matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into the guilt thing and pout. Run right back and make friends.
Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.
Eat with gusto and enthusiasm. Stop when you have had enough.
Be loyal. Never pretend to be something you're not.
If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.
When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.
May 17, 2005 - The Philistine and the Escalator
Did you hear about the near-tragedy at the mall? There was a power outage, and twelve Philistines were stuck on the escalators for over four hours.
May 16, 2005 - Top Ten Reasons its Great to be a Guy - Part 3
You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and anniversaries.
New shoes don't blister, cut, and mangle your feet.
You don't care if someone's talking about you behind your back.
If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong buddies.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
If something mechanical doesn't work, you can bash it with a hammer or throw it across the room.
You needn't pretend you're "freshening up" to go to the bathroom.
You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.
Wedding dress: $2000; Tuxedo rental: $75.
And the #1 reason it’s great to be a guy: Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So.... notice anything different?"
May 13, 2005 - True Wisdom?
An angel appears at a faculty meeting and tells the dean that in return for his unselfish and exemplary behavior, the Lord will reward him with his choice of infinite wealth, infinite wisdom, or infinite beauty. Without hesitating, the dean selects "infinite wisdom."
"Done!" says the angel, and disappears in a cloud of smoke and a bolt of lightning.
Now, all heads turn toward the dean, who sits surrounded by a faint halo of light. At length, one of his colleagues whispers, "Say something."
The dean sighs and says, "I should have taken the money."
May 12, 2005 - Asking for Directions - a true news story from January 2005
In January of 2005, a 22-year-old man robbed a Chevron station in Vancouver, Wash. He eluded police in a high-speed getaway, but he then got lost and wound up back at the same Chevron station. Apparently not recognizing where he was, the man asked for directions, allowing the clerk to notify police, who soon arrested him.
May 11, 2005 - Attention Seniors
We all need to keep healthy and strong as we grow older. I just found this exercise and thought you might be interested. It seems so easy I thought I would pass it on to some of my friends. The article suggested doing it three days a week. But don't over-do it.
Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.
With a 5-lb potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides. Hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, then relax.
Each day, you will find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.
After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato sacks. Then 50-lb potato sacks, and eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.
After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks.
May 10, 2005 - Disorder in the American Courts
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15th.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Doris?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
A: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
A: He's twenty
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
Q: She had three children, right?
Q: How many were boys?
Q: Were there any girls?
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male or a female?
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Q: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
AND TO SAVE THE BEST FOR LAST!!!!!!
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
Q: Did you check for breathing?
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
May 9, 2005 - Top Ten Reasons its Great to be a Guy - Part 2
10. You can be showered and ready to go in 10 minutes.
9. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
8. If you're 34 and single, nobody even notices.
7. Chocolate is just another snack.
6. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
5. You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader's coming by.
4. You don't care if anyone notices your new haircut.
3. You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like him.
2. Gray hair and wrinkles only add character.
And the #1 reason it’s great to be a guy: Car mechanics tell you the truth.
May 6, 2005 - The Sin of Lying
A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark Chapter 17."
The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark Chapter 17. Every hand went up.
The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only 16 Chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."
May 5, 2005 - Famous Last Words
"Hey everyone, watch this!"
"Look! No hands!"
"Are you sure the electricity is off?"
"I wonder where the mother bear is?"
"What happens when I touch these to wires toge--“
"Let it down slowly"
"Don’t unplug it, it will only take a minute to fix."
"What does this button do?"
May 4, 2005 - Oxymoron - a combination of contradictory or incongruous words
"Now, then ..."
May 3, 2005 - A Few of Life’s Unanswered Questions - Part 2
Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?
Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?
Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?
Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?
Why do "tug" boats push their barges?
Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?
Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?
Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?
Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?
If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?
Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?
Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
May 2, 2005 - Top Ten Reasons its Great to be a Guy - Part 1
10. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
9. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
8. Your bathroom lines are 80 percent shorter.
7. You can open all your own jars.
6. Old friends could care less whether you've lost or gained weight.
5. You don't have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you go.
4. You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
3. Your last name stays put.
2. You can leave the hotel bed unmade.
And the #1 reason it’s great to be a guy: Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Good, Clean Jokes and Funny Stories
Good, Clean Jokes and Funny Stories
While the Bible isn't a joke book, it is obvious that humor played an important role in Hebrew culture. When drought hit Jacob's world he turned to his sons and said, "Why are you staring at one another...Go down [to Egypt] and buy some for us" (Gen 42:1-2). I also hear humor in some of Jesus' remarks, like when He renamed James and John the "sons of thunder" or when He said the Pharisees where like whitewashed tombs, full of dead men's bones (Matt 23). I think we need the picture of Jesus laughing and enjoying people. In fact, while Jesus indeed had many hard things to say, He was also full of emotion, joy and celebration. Even as He rebuked the Pharisees, we see a glimpse of His demeanor in ministry when He scolded them saying, "We played the flute for you, but you would not dance" (Matt 11). There was something very non-religious in Jesus that laughter, celebration and humor is part of. Hopefully, these jokes, stories and quips will help make your day more merry as you walk with the Lord Jesus through this world.