Good, Clean Jokes and Funny Stories


Good, Clean Jokes and Funny Stories


While the Bible isn't a joke book, it is obvious that humor played an important role in Hebrew culture. When drought hit Jacob's world he turned to his sons and said, "Why are you staring at one another...Go down [to Egypt] and buy some for us" (Gen 42:1-2). I also hear humor in some of Jesus' remarks, like when He renamed James and John the "sons of thunder" or when He said the Pharisees where like whitewashed tombs, full of dead men's bones (Matt 23). I think we need the picture of Jesus laughing and enjoying people. In fact, while Jesus indeed had many hard things to say, He was also full of emotion, joy and celebration. Even as He rebuked the Pharisees, we see a glimpse of His demeanor in ministry when He scolded them saying, "We played the flute for you, but you would not dance" (Matt 11). There was something very non-religious in Jesus that laughter, celebration and humor is part of. Hopefully, these jokes, stories and quips will help make your day more merry as you walk with the Lord Jesus through this world.

Francis

December 2005

December 30, 2005 - The Best Sibling
As I was dropping my son off at daycare the other day, I overheard some of the children talking about their siblings.

"My brother takes karate lessons," bragged one.

"My sister takes gymnastics," said another.

Not to be outdone, the youngest piped up, "My sister takes antibiotics!"


December 29, 2005 - The Last Question
Two football players were taking an important final exam. If they failed, they would be on academic probation and not allowed to play in the Sugar Bowl the following week. The exam was fill-in-the-blank. The last question read, "Old MacDonald had a _________."

Bubba was stumped. He had no idea of the answer. He knew he needed to get this one right to be sure he passed. Making sure the professor wasn't watching, he tapped Tiny on the shoulder. "Pssst. Tiny. What's the answer to the last question?" Tiny laughed. He looked around to make sure the professor hadn't noticed, then he turned to Bubba. "Bubba, you're so stupid. Everyone knows Old MacDonald had a farm."

"Oh yeah," said Bubba. "I remember now." He picked up his No. 2 pencil and started to write the answer in the blank. He stopped. Reaching to tap Tiny's shoulder again, he whispered, "Tiny, how do you spell farm?"

"You are really dumb, Bubba. That's so easy. Farm is spelled - E-I-E-I-O."


Wednesday, December 28, 2005 - Old Goats
A group of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Holland.  As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used.  She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing.

"These" she explained "are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce."  She then asked, "What do you do in America with your old goats?"

A spry old gentleman answered, "They send us on bus tours!"


December 27, 2005 - Happy Birthday Call
A couple phoned a neighbor to extend birthday greetings. They dialed the number and then sang "Happy Birthday" to him.

But when they finished their off-key rendition, they discovered that they had dialed the wrong number.

"Don't let it bother you," said a strange but amused voice. "You folks need all the practice you can get."


December 26, 2005 - Brick Order

A man goes into his local building supply store and orders 10,000 bricks.

"May I ask what you're building?" asks the man behind the counter.

"It's going to be a barbecue."

"Wow, that's a lot of bricks for one barbecue,"

"Not really; I live on the 12th floor."


December 23, 2005 - Christmas is Funny
What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?


December 22, 2005 - Charity Answer
Father O'Shea, the parish priest in the village, was giving a sermon about charity. He said, "The trouble with the world today is that some people have too much and others have too little. We must give of ourselves and our worldly goods to help the less fortunate."

He said to Harrigan, "If you had ten thousand pounds, wouldn't you give half of it to the poor?"

He said, "I would that, Father."

The priest said, "If you had two greyhounds, wouldn't you give one of them to your neighbor next door?"

Harrigan said, "No."

The priest said, "And why not?"

He said, "I have two greyhounds."


Wednesday, December 21, 2005 - Argument Settled
The other day, Avril and I got into some petty argument. (I say it was petty.  She would have said it was Armageddon.) As is our nature, neither of us would admit the possibility that we might be in error.

To her credit, Avril finally said, "Look.  I'll tell you what.  I'll admit I'm wrong if you admit I was right."

"Fine." I said.

She took a deep breath, looked me in the eye and said, "I'm wrong."

I grinned and replied, "You're right."


December 20, 2005 - Worthy Cause
As a traffic safety consultant, I often gave talks on accident prevention. One night after I spoke to a PTA group, the program chairperson thanked me profusely and gave me a check for fifty dollars.

"Giving these presentations is a part of my job," I said. "Could I donate the money to one of your causes?"

"That would be wonderful!" she gushed. "We have just the program that could use it. We're trying to raise money so we can afford better speakers."


December 19, 2005 - Rice Preference
The young woman really thought she'd been very patient, through a prolonged period of dating with no talk of marriage.

One night her steady boyfriend took her to a Chinese restaurant. As he perused the menu, he casually asked her, "So...how do you like your rice?  Boiled or fried?"

Without missing a beat, she looked over her menu at him and replied clearly, "Thrown."


December 16, 2005 - Diary Secrets

A little boy asked his mother, "What's that you're reading?"

Mom: A diary.

Boy: What's in it?

Mom: I can't tell you that. A diary is a highly personal and confidential affair. It has important secret dreams and secret yearnings. It's private. It's not meant to be shared with other people. And besides, this diary belongs to your sister.


December 15, 2005 - Facts About Dogs
** If you think dogs can't count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket then giving Fido only two of them.

** In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should have a dog to worship him and a cat to ignore him.

** Outside of a dog, a book is probably man's best friend.  Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

** Things that upset a terrier may pass virtually unnoticed by a Great Dane.

** When a man's best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem.


Wednesday, December 14, 2005 - Silly Book Authors
HOW TO MAKE A TOURNIQUET by Hank R. Chief

HANDLING YOUR EMOTIONS by Mel N. Collie

CALM DOWN by Ed G. Nerves

KNOCKING YOUR FUNNY BONE by Howard Hertz


December 13, 2005 - Best Out-of-Office Email Auto-replies
1.  I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Be prepared for my mood.

2.  You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.

3.  I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from vacation on September 30th. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.

4.  Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $10.99 for the first ten words and $5.99 for each additional word in your message.

5.  The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again.

6.  Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.

7.  I've run away to join a different circus.


December 12, 2005 - Learning to Ride a Bike
Never having learned to ride a bicycle as a child, I finally decided to do it in my late twenties. My boyfriend, William, offered to teach me, and we headed to the park for my first lesson. He held on to the seat as I wobbled down a path. My self-consciousness was just beginning to disappear when I saw a father, teaching his little daughter to ride a bike, approaching.

As we passed, I was mortified when William said to the dad, "They grow up so fast, don't they?"


December 9, 2005 - Stern Announcement
During a sermon one Sunday, the pastor heard two teenage girls in the back giggling and disturbing people.

He interrupted his sermon and announced sternly, "There are two of you here who have not heard a word I've said." That quieted them down.

When the service was over, he went to greet people at the front door. Three different adults apologized for going to sleep in church, promising it would never happen again.


December 8, 2005 - Minister Call

A man was trying hard to get the catsup to come out of the jar.

During his struggle the phone rang so he asked his four-year-old daughter to answer the phone.  "It's the minister, Daddy," the child said to her father.

Then she said, "Daddy can't come to the phone right now.  He's hitting the bottle."


Wednesday, December 7, 2005 - Late Night Studying
My husband, Cal, grew increasingly displeased as our teenage daughter and her boyfriend studied in her room late one evening. Finally losing patience shortly after midnight, he knocked sharply on her door.  Her boyfriend immediately opened it and asked if something was wrong.

"I have to ask you to move your car," Cal told him.

"Oh, sure. Is it in someone's way?"

"No," Cal replied, "it's at the wrong address."


December 6, 2005 - Seniors' Special
We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the "Seniors' Special" was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $1.99.

"Sounds good," my wife said. "But I don't want the eggs."

"Then I'll have to charge you two dollars and forty-nine cents because you're ordering a la carte," the waitress warned her.

"You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?" my wife asked incredulously. "Then I'll take the Special."

"How do you want your eggs?"

"Raw and in the shell!" my wife replied.

She took the two eggs home.


December 5, 2005 - Insurance
A lot of life insurance policies cost a great deal of money to maintain. But look on the bright side -- when you die, you'll be rich !
- - - - -
Who says that life insurance agents don't have feelings. After I had my heart bypass operation, my agent sent cards and called daily to check on my recovery.
- - - - -
An agent for a large insurance company in Ontario handed a life-insurance check to a widow in full payment for her late husband's policy. He then advised her to take out a policy of her own.

"Why I do believe I will." she replied enthusiastically.

"My husband had such good luck with his."
- - - - -
The woman, searching for a job, inquired about the benefits. The personnel manager informed her they had group health and life insurance, but the costs were deducted from the employees' pay.

She said, "My last employer had full health coverage, as well as five years salary for life insurance and a month's sick leave. AND they paid the full premiums."

"I can't help but asking madam why you would leave a job with such benefits." the interviewer replied.

The woman shrugged her shoulders wondering that herself and said, "The company went bankrupt."
- - - - -
I was able to obtain some real cheap fire-theft insurance for our home. Turns out however they only pay off if we're robbed during a fire.


December 2, 2005 - Ash Request
A businessman on his deathbed called his friend and said, "Bill, I want you to promise me that when I die you will have my remains cremated."

"And what," his friend asked, "do you want me to do with your ashes?"

The businessman said, "Just put them in an envelope and mail them to the Internal Revenue Department and write on the envelope, "Now you have everything including me."


December 1, 2005 - Sugar Worry
A fellow nurse at my hospital received a call from an anxious woman. "I'm diabetic and I'm afraid I've had too much sugar today," she said.

"Are you light-headed?" my colleague asked.

"No," the caller answered, "I'm a brunette."

November 2005

November 30, 2005 - Silent Descent
Timmy came thundering down the stairs, much to his father's annoyance. "Timmy," he called, "how many more times have I got to tell you to come downstairs quietly? Now, go back upstairs and come down like a civilized human being."

There was a silence, and Timmy reappeared in the front room. "That's better," said his father, "now in future you will always come down stairs like that."

"Suits me," said Timmy. "I slid down the railing."


November 29, 2005 - Most Difficult Case
Two psychiatrists were at a convention. As they conversed over dinner, one asked, "What was your most difficult case?"

The other replied, "I had a patient who lived in a pure fantasy world. He believed that an uncle in South America was going to die and leave him a fortune. All day long he waited for a letter to arrive from an attorney. He never went out, he never did anything, he merely sat around and waited for this fantasy letter from this fantasy uncle. I worked with this man eight years."

"What was the result?"

"It was an eight-year struggle. Every day for eight years, but I finally cured him. And then that stupid letter arrived!"


November 28, 2005 - Dangling Participles
~ The burglar was about 30 years old, white, 5' 10", with wavy hair weighing about 150 pounds.
~ The family lawyer will read the will tomorrow at the residence of Mr. Hannon, who died June 19 to accommodate his relatives.
~ Mrs. Shirley Baxter, who went deer hunting with her husband, is very proud that she was able to shoot a fine buck as well as her husband.
~ Organ donations from the living reached a record high last year, outnumbering donors who are dead for the first time.
~ The dog was hungry and made the mistake of nipping a 2-year-old that was trying to force feed it in his ear.
~ We spent most of our time sitting on the back porch watching the cows playing Scrabble and reading.
~ Hunting can also be dangerous, as in the case of pygmies hunting elephants armed only with spears.


November 25, 2005 - Four Little Words
Heather and Marcy hadn't seen each other in awhile, so they decided to meet for lunch.  The talk naturally got around to their respective love lives.  Marcy confided that there really wasn't anyone special in her life.

Heather, on the other hand, was beaming about the new man she had found.  "He's perfect.  He's handsome, he's sweet, and last night when we went out to dinner, he said the four little words I've been waiting to hear a man say to me!"

"He said 'Will you marry me?'" Marcy asked.

Heather replied, "No. He said 'Put your money away.'"


November 24, 2005 - 'Twas the Night of Thanksgiving
With apologies to Clement C. Moore, author of
A Visit From St. Nicholas ('Twas the Night Before Christmas)

'Twas the night of Thanksgiving, But I just couldn't sleep.
I tried counting backwards, I tried counting sheep
The leftovers beckoned --- The dark meat and white,
But I fought the temptation with all of my might.

Tossing and turning with anticipation
The thought of a snack became infatuation.
So I raced to the kitchen, Flung open the door,
And gazed at the fridge full of goodies galore.
I gobbled up turkey and buttered potatoes,
Pickles and carrots, beans and tomatoes.

I felt myself swelling so plump and so round,
Till all of a sudden, I rose off the ground!

I crashed through the ceiling. Floating into the sky....
With a mouthful of pudding and a handful of pie,
But I managed to yell as I soared past the trees ...

HAPPY EATING TO ALL !!

PASS THE CRANBERRIES PLEASE !!

 
November 23, 2005 - How to Liven Up Thanksgiving Dinner
1. Load your plate up high, then take it to the kitchen, toss it all in the blender, and take your "shake" back to the table. Announce that It's the new Thanksgiving Weight Loss Shake
2. When everyone goes around to say what they are Thankful for, say, "I'm thankful I didn't get caught." and refuse to say anything more.
3. Bring along old recorded football games, pop them in the VCR when Dad's not looking. Make sure it is set to the last two minutes of the game When he comes into the room, turn off the VCR and turn on the regular TV.
4. Bring a date that only talks about the tragic and abusive conditions known to exist at turkey farms.
5. During Mid-meal turn to mom and say, "See mom, I told you they wouldn't notice that the Turkey was past expiration date. You were worried for nothing."


November 22, 2005 - City Kids Camping
Two boys from the city were on a camping trip. The mosquitoes were so fierce the boys had to hide under their blankets to keep from being bitten.

Then one of them saw some lightning bugs, and said to his friend: "We might as well give up. They're coming at us with flashlights!"


November 21, 2005 - Yet Another Rendition of “Who’s on First”
George:   Condi!  Nice to see you.  What's happening?
Condi:   Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.
George:   Great.  Lay it on me.
Condi:   Hu is the new leader of China.
George:   That's what I want to know.
Condi:   That's what I'm telling you.
George:   That's what I'm asking you.  Who is the new leader of China?
Condi:   Yes.
George:   I mean the fellow's name.
Condi:   Hu.
George:   The guy in China.
Condi:   Hu.
George:   The new leader of China.
Condi:   Hu
George:   The main man in China!
Condi:   Hu is leading China.
George:   Now whaddya' asking me for?
Condi:   I'm telling you, Hu is leading China.
George:   Well, I'm asking you.  Who is leading China?
Condi:   That's the man's name.
George:   That's who's name?
Condi:   Yes.
George:   Will you, or will you not, tell me the name of the new leader of China?
Condi:   Yes, sir.
George:   Yassir?  Yassir Arafat is in China?  I thought he's dead in the Middle East.
Condi:   That's correct.
George:   Then who is in China?
Condi:   Yes, sir.
George:   Yassir is in China?
Condi:   No, sir.
George:   Then who is?
Condi:   Yes, sir.
George:   Yassir?
Condi:   No, sir.
George:  Look Condi.  I need to know the name of the new leader of China.  Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.
Condi:   Kofi?
George:   No, thanks.
Condi:  You want Kofi?
George:   No.
Condi:   You don't want Kofi.
George:  No.  But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk.  And then get me the U.N.
Condi:   Yes, sir.
George:  Not Yassir!  The guy at the U.N.
Condi:  Kofi?
George:  Milk!  Will you please make the call?
Condi:  And call who?
George:  Who is the guy at the U.N?
Condi:   Hu is the guy in China
George:   Will you stay out of China?!
Condi:   Yes, sir.
George:   And stay out of the Middle East!  Just get me the guy at  the U.N.
Condi:  Kofi.
George:  All right!  With cream and two sugars.


November 18, 2005 - Referrals
When our local doctor began attending church services, the minister was delighted. It wasn't long before they were helping each other in their work; the minister referring people to the doctor, and vice versa.

One referral from the doctor arrived at the church office with a note prescribing the minister's last four sermons. The minister was most pleased until he discovered that the patient's problem was insomnia.


November 17, 2005 - Dangerous Dog
Upon entering a little country store, a stranger noticed a sign reading, "Danger!  Beware of Dog" posted on the glass door.  Inside, he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor besides the cash register. He asked the store manager, "Is that the dog folks are supposed to beware of?"

"Yep, that's him," he replied.

The stranger couldn't help but be amused.  "That certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me.  Why in the world would you post that sign?"

"Because," the owner replied, "before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him."


Wednesday, November 16, 2005 - Ammunition Substantiation
An infantry brigade was training in the summer heat, learning methods to counter offensive tactics. That summer, the area had experienced an infestation of rattlesnakes. Officers and NCOs were given one magazine of live ammunition to counter this danger, as several men had already been bitten.

So much ammunition was expended shooting, supposedly, at snakes that the post commander demanded that every officer and NCO who had shot at a snake present the dead snake as proof that the expenditure of rounds was justifiable.

The next day, the post commander entered his office and spotted a shoe box on his desk. He opened it, revealing a sleepy and sluggish, but very live, rattlesnake. Inside the box were twenty expended cartridges, and a short note.

The note said, "I missed!"


November 15, 2005 - Army Fatigue(s)
My husband wore his Army uniform with pride. One day, coming home from the base and dressed in olive drab fatigues, he stopped off at the grocery store to pick up a few things.

While in line at the check out counter, he noticed a little boy standing with his Mother. The boy took one look at my husband in his uniform, and his eyes grew wide.  My husband in turn gave the young man a crisp salute. The boy was so excited. He pointed at my husband and announced," Look Mom! A Giant Boy Scout!"


November 14, 2005 - Have You Seen This?
I had trouble with the idea of turning 30 and was oversensitive to any signs of advancing age.  When I found a prominent gray hair in my bangs, I pointed to my forehead and asked my husband, "Oh no, have you seen this?"

"What?" he asked.  "The wrinkles?"


November 11, 2005 - Updated Punishment
"When I was a youngster," complained the frustrated father, shaking his head, "I was disciplined by being sent to my room without supper.  But our son has his own color TV, phone, computer and CD player."

"So what do you do when your son misbehaves?" asked his friend.

"I send him to our room!"


November 10, 2005 - How to Train a Cat
Our young daughter had adopted a stray cat. To my distress, he began to use the back of our new sofa as a scratching post. "Don't worry," my husband reassured me, "I'll have him trained in no time."

I watched for several days as my husband patiently "trained" our new pet. Whenever the cat scratched, my husband deposited him outdoors to teach him a lesson.

The cat learned quickly. For the next 13 years, whenever he wanted to go outside, he scratched the back of the sofa.


Wednesday, November 9, 2005 - Holding Hands
While at the mall, I saw an elderly couple holding hands while they were walking. As they approached, I commented on how romantic it was.

He replied, "We have been holding hands when we go out in public for over thirty years. I have to. If I let go, she shops."


November 8, 2005 - Worker Ants
The teacher was giving her class of seven-year-olds a natural history lesson. "Worker ants," she told them, "can carry pieces of food five times their own weight. What do you conclude from that?"

One child was ready with the answer: "They don't have a union."


November 7, 2005 - Hybrid Car
My uncle in Detroit tried to make a new kind of car. He took the engine from a Ford, the transmission from an Oldsmobile, the tires from a Cadillac, and the exhaust system from a Plymouth."

"Really? What did he get?"

"Fifteen years for theft."


November 4, 2005 - Golf Deduction
Taking advantage of a balmy day in New York, a priest and three other men of the cloth swapped their clerical garb for polos and khakis and time out on the golf course. After several really horrible shots, their caddie asked, "You guys wouldn't be priests by any chance?" 

"Actually, yes, we are." one cleric replied. "How did you know?" 

"Easy," said the caddie, "I've never seen such bad golf and such clean language!"


November 3, 2005 - Crowded Bus
It was rush hour, and when the bus finally arrived, it was packed. I tried to force my way on, but no one would budge, although there was ample room in the back. Then the bus driver took over.

"Excuse me, ladies and gentlemen," he shouted. "Will all the beautiful, smart people please move to the back of the bus, and all the ugly stupid people stay up front?"


Wednesday, November 2, 2005 - Clutter Advice
About a week ago, I came across an Internet advice column that told me how to eliminate the paperwork clutter on my desk.

Just what I needed.

So I printed out the twenty-five pages of how-to instructions, and placed them on top of the rest of the stuff on my desk. Now I can't find them.


November 1, 2005 - 18-Wheeler
There was a man driving down the road behind an 18-wheeler. At every stoplight the trucker would get out of the cab, run back and bang on the trailer door. After seeing this at several intersections in a row, the motorist followed him until he pulled into a parking lot.

When they both had come to a stop the truck driver once again jumped out and started banging on the trailer door. The motorist went up to him and said, "I don't mean to be nosy, but why do you keep banging on that door?"

The trucker replied, "Sorry, can't talk now. I have 20 tons of canaries and a 10-ton limit. I have to keep half of them in the air all the time!"

October 2005

October 31, 2005 - Afraid of the Storm
During a severe thunderstorm, a mother tucked her child into bed and turned off the light. Frightened by the tempest, he asked, "Mommy, will you sleep with me?" Hugging him, she replied, "I can't, dear. I have to sleep with Daddy." Stepping out of the room, she heard, "That big sissy!"


October 28, 2005 - The Italian Tomato Garden
An old Italian man lived alone in the country.  He wanted to dig his tomato garden, but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot.  If you were here my troubles would be over.  I know you would dig the plot for me.
Love Dad

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Dad,
Not for nothing, but don't dig up that garden.  That's where I buried the BODIES.
Love Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies.  They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now.  That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love Vinnie


October 27, 2005 - How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb? - Part 2
1. Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture.

2. Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light bulb!

3. Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.

4. Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb. Or "We don't need no stinking light bulb."

5. Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?

6. Australian Shepherd: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle...

7. Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.


October 26, 2005 - How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb? - Part 1

1. Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?

2. Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.

3. Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!

4. Rottweiler: Make me.

5. Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.

6. Lab: Oh, me, me!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeeeeze, please, please, please!

7. German Shepherd: I'll change it as soon as I've led these people from the dark, check to make sure I haven't missed any, and make just one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation.


October 25, 2005 - Blind Date
After being with his blind date all evening, the man couldn't take another minute with her.  Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him to the phone so he would have an excuse to leave if something like this happened.

When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said, "I have some bad news. My grandfather just died."

"Thank goodness," his date replied. "If yours hadn't, mine would have had to!"


October 24, 2005 - Dentist Bill
A woman phoned her dentist when she received a huge bill. "I'm shocked!" she complained. "This is three times what you normally charge."

"Yes, I know," said the dentist. "But you yelled so loud, you scared away two other patients."


October 21, 2005 - Finished Chores
My parents are both busy professional people and have trouble finding time for chores and home maintenance. On weekends they each make a list of things to be done. Father's list is never completely crossed off, but Mother's always is. Puzzled, I asked her how she managed that.

"Simple," she answered with a satisfied grin. "I do the chore first, and then I put it on the list and cross it off."


October 20, 2005 - Economics Exam
Not expecting to do well on the economics exam, Bill was heartened by the first question: In any given year, and to the nearest ton, how much wheat did the United States export?

After thinking for a moment, Bill smiled confidently and wrote, "In 1492, none."


October 19, 2005 - Refrigerator Goals
When I returned home from college for a break, I noticed a paper posted on the refrigerator. It listed some goals my dad had set for himself: Help wife more; lose weight; be more productive at work.

I promptly added: "Send Michelle money every month."

A few days later my brother wrote: "Make payments on car for Jason."

Then my boyfriend joined in with: "Buy Tom a Jeep."

Finally my father added a new goal to his amended list: "Wean kids."


October 18, 2005 - Guard Dog

My sister-in-law, a truck driver, had decided to get a dog for protection.

As she inspected a likely candidate, the trainer told her, "He doesn't like men."

"Perfect," my sister-in-law thought and took the dog.

Then one day she was approached by two suspicious looking men in a parking lot, and she watched to see how her canine bodyguard would react.

Soon it became clear that the trainer wasn't kidding.

As the men got closer, the dog ran under the nearest car.


October 17, 2005 - Nutrition and Worms
A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.

The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.

The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.

The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol - Dead.

The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead.

Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead.

Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.

So the minister asked the congregation, "What can you learn from this demonstration?"

A little old woman in the back quickly raised her hand and said, "As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"


October 14, 2005 - The Philistine and the Puzzle
A Philistine called a friend and said, "Please come over here and help me.  I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started." 

The friend asked, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"  The Philistine said, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger." The friend decided to go over and help with the puzzle.

The Philistine let their friend in and showed him where the puzzle was spread all over the table.  The friend studied the pieces for a moment, then looked at the box, then turned to the Philistine and said, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger." 

The friend took the Philistine’s hand and said, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of hot chocolate and then.........."  he sighed, ...................... "let's put all these  Frosted Flakes back in the box."


October 13, 2005 - Out of the Mouth of Babes, Part 4
HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
(1) There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there? -- Kelvin, age 8

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck. -- Ricky, age 10


October 12, 2005 - Out of the Mouth of Babes, Part 3
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
(1) When they're rich. -- Pam, age 7

(2) The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that. -- Curt, age 7

(3) The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do. -- Howard, age 8

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them. -- Anita, age 9


October 11, 2005 - Out of the Mouth of Babes, Part 2
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids. -- Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
(1) Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough. -- Lynnette, age 8

(2) On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date. -- Martin, age 10

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns. -- Craig, age 9


October 10, 2005 - Out of the Mouth of Babes, Part 1
HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?
(1) You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming. -- Alan, age 10

(2) No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with. -- Kirsten, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
(1) Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then. -- Camille, age 10

(2) No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married. -- Freddie, age 6

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids. -- Derrick, age 8


October 7, 2005 - Abbott and Costello - Computer Version of “Who’s On First?”
This is a long one, but it’s worth it.
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den, and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look in the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What have you got?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend office with windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office and it has windows! OK, let’s just say, I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W."
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. OK, forget that. Can I watch movies on the Internet?
ABBOTT: Yes, you want Real One.
COSTELLO: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. Just tell me what I need!
ABBOTT: Real One.
COSTELLO: If it’s a long movie I also want to see reel 2, 3 & 4. Can I watch them?
ABBOTT: Of course.
COSTELLO: Great, with what?
ABBOTT: Real One.
COSTELLO: OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?
ABBOTT: You click the blue "1."
COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?
ABBOTT: The blue "1."
COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue w?
ABBOTT: The blue 1 is Real One and the blue W is Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: But there are three words in "office for windows!"
ABBOTT: No, just one. But it’s the most popular Word in the world.
COSTELLO: It is?
ABBOTT: Yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other Words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other Words out there.
COSTELLO: And that word is real one?
ABBOTT: Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One isn't even part of Office.
COSTELLO: Stop! Don't start that again. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled to my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

(LATER)
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click on "START"...


October 6, 2005 - Visiting List
A Catholic priest went to the hospital to visit patients.  Stopping at the nurse's station, he carefully looked over the patient roster and jotted down the room number of everyone who had "Cath" written boldly next to his name.

That, he told me, was a big mistake.  When I asked why, he replied, "It was only after I had made the rounds that I learned they were all patients with catheters."


October 5, 2005 - Out of Fuel

Cessna: "Newark tower, Cessna 12345, student pilot, I am out of fuel."

Tower: "Roger Cessna 12345, reduce airspeed to best glide!!   Do you have the Newark airfield in sight?"

Cessna: "Uh, um...tower, I'm parked on the south ramp.  I just wanted to know where the fuel truck is."


October 4, 2005 - Verbalized Prayers
The pastor of a mid-sized church decided one Monday morning that the staff would verbalize their prayers at the weekly staff meeting. He led off: "Lord, my daughter is about to go away to college, I only make $55,000 a year, and it's not enough."

He turned to the associate pastor, and She said, "Lord, I have two children in preschool, a new mortgage, I only make $39,000 a year, and it's not enough."

The minister of education continues with his chant, "Lord, you know I need a new car, my wife is not well, I only make $28,000 a year, and it's not enough."

The youth minister has her turn next: "Lord, I've just finished seminary, I have huge student loans, I only make $20,000 a year and it's not enough."

At last it's time for the minister of music. His prayer went like this: "Lord, my son is graduating from Harvard, we bought a new boat, I make $100,000 a year and ... 'there's no business like show business!'"

 
October 3, 2005 - Foot Pill
A man limped into a hospital to have his foot X-rayed, and was asked to wait for the results.  Some time later an orderly appeared and handed the man a large pill.

Just then a mother with a small child in need of immediate attention entered.  After the orderly disappeared with the new patient, the man hobbled over to get a glass of water, swallowed the pill, and sat down to wait.  Some time later the orderly reappeared carrying a bucket of water.

"Okay," he said, "Let's drop the pill in this bucket and soak your foot for a while."

September 2005

September 30, 2005 - Time for Church and No ExcusesOne Sunday morning, a mother went in to wake her son and tell him it was time to get ready for church, to which he replied, "I'm not going."  "Why not?" she asked.  "Ill give you two good reasons," he said.  "One, they don't like me, and two, I don't like them."  His mother replied, "I'll give YOU two good reasons why you SHOULD go to church.  One, you're 54 years old, and two, you're the pastor!"


September 29, 2005 - Lion Attack
Two wildlife documentary filmmakers were filming a wild lion in Africa when they both noticed that the lion was about to attack them.

One of the men put down his camera and slowly began changing from his boots into a pair of running shoes.  The other man saw this and said, "You know you can't outrun a lion don't you?"

The other man reply's "The way I see it, all I have to do is keep ahead of you and I'll be all right!"


September 28, 2005 - Two Different Points of View
The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep. Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, "Kemo Sabe, look towards sky. What you see?"

The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."

"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, "Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?"

Tonto is silent for a moment, then says, "Kemo Sabe, you dumber than a buffalo. Somebody stole tent!"


September 27, 2005 - Stain Glass
An area pastor tells of his first Sunday in the new parish and presenting the message.  Seems the sanctuary in the new church had some magnificent stained glass windows, so his message centered on how each of us is called of God to help make up the whole picture of the body of Christ.

The pastor started off his sermon saying, “Like the pictures in the windows, it takes many little panels of glass to make the whole picture.”

And then he said, "You see each one of you is a little pane." And then pointing to each child, "You're a little pane. And you're a little pane. And you're a little pane. And..."

It took a few moments before he realized why everyone was laughing so hard.


September 26, 2005 - Letter Pride
One woman was bragging to her next-door neighbor about her son, a college student. "Why, our son is so brilliant, every time we get a letter from him we have to go to the dictionary."

"You're lucky," the neighbor said. "Every time we get a letter from ours, we have to go to the bank!"


September 23, 2005 - The Color of Happiness
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"

"Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life."

The child thought about this for a moment, then said "So why is the groom wearing black?"


September 22, 2005 - Proud of Our Kids
Checking out of the grocery store, I noticed that the bag boy was eyeing my two adopted children curiously. They often draw scrutiny, since my son's a blond Russian, while my daughter has shiny black Haitian skin.

The boy continued staring as he carried our groceries to the car. Finally, he asked, "Are those your kids?"

"Yes, they are!" I answered proudly.

"They adopted?" he asked.

"Yes," I replied.

"I thought so," he concluded. "I figured you're too old to have kids that small."


September 21, 2005 - Grocery Pickup
Soon after my 16-year-old sister started working after school as a grocery-store cashier, I went to see how she was doing.

I tried to make myself inconspicuous as I waited to check out my purchases. Ahead of me was a young man who was flirting with my sister. Both embarrassed and amused by his advances, she continued to ring up his groceries. Finally the persistent fellow ventured, "Would you like to go out to dinner with me tonight?"

Oblivious to his questions and adhering to her employee training, she asked him, "How will you be paying?"


September 20, 2005 - My Strict Home
I grew up in the most strict home. My mother would say. "That's the last time I'm gonna tell you to take out the garbage."

Sounded good to me.


September 19, 2005 - Fill 'er Up
Fill 'er Up



September 16, 2005 - Latest Brinks Truck Robbery
Police Artist Sketch of the Robbery Suspect


September 15, 2005 - Loan Approval
Loan Approval Comic


September 14, 2005 - Latest Brinks Truck Robbery
brinks

September 13, 2005 - Arm and a Leg
armandaleg


September 12, 2005 - Big Night Out
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her out to some place expensive.......

So I took her to a gas station!!!!!!!


September 9, 2005 - The Hokey Pokey
“The Hokey Pokey”
Original Lyrics

You put your left foot in,
You put your left foot out;
You put your left foot in,
And you shake it all about.
You do the Hokey Pokey,
And you turn yourself around.
That's what it's all about!

“The Hokey Pokey”
Shakespearean Style

O proud left foot, that ventures quick within
Then soon upon a backward journey lithe.
Anon, once more the gesture, then begin:
Command sinistral pedestal to writhe.
Commence thou then the fervid Hokey Poke.
A mad gyration, hips in wanton swirl.
To spin! A wilde release from heaven's yoke.
Blessed dervish! Surely canst go, girl.
The Hoke, the poke -- banish now thy doubt
Verily, I say, 'tis what it's all about.


September 8, 2005 - Perfectly Made Bed
When we put our house up for sale, I stressed emphatically that my sons make their beds each morning.  I left for work before they left for school, and I wanted to be sure that the house looked presentable when the agent showed it to prospective buyers.

I was surprised and impressed that my 15-year-old son's bed was perfectly made each day.  One night when I went into his room, I discovered his secret.

He was fast asleep on the floor in his sleeping bag.


September 7, 2005 - A Virtual Skiing Experience
Miss the experience of skiing?  Try the following to get that feeling back.

10. Visit your local butcher and pay $10 to sit in his walk-in freezer for half an hour. Afterwards, burn two $50 dollar bills to warm up.

9. Go to the nearest hockey rink and walk across the ice 20 times in your ski boots carrying two pairs of skis, accessory bag and poles. Pretend you are looking for your car.

8. For ski boot simulation at home, put a pebble in your street shoes and tighten a C-clamp around your toes.

7. Buy a pair of gloves and immediately throw one away.

6. Go to McDonald's and insist on paying $6.50 for a hamburger. Be sure to wait in the longest line.

5. Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket and ride a motorcycle fast enough to make the ticket lacerate your face.

4. Drive slowly for five hours - anywhere - as long as it's in bad weather and you're following an 18-wheeler.

3. Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the spray blast your face. You'd almost believe you're skiing in front of a snowmaker!

2. Dress up in as many clothes as you can and then proceed to take them off because you have to go to the bathroom.

1. Repeat all of the above every Saturday.


September 6, 2005 - Cover Up Catch
This guy had an awful day fishing on the lake, sitting in the blazing sun all day without catching a single one. On his way home, he stopped at the supermarket and ordered four catfish.

He told the fish salesman, "Pick four large ones out and throw them at me, will you?"

"Why do you want me to throw them at you?"

"Because I want to tell my wife that I caught them."

"Okay, but I suggest that you take the orange roughy."

"But why?"


September 5, 2005 - "R" Troubles
A young schoolboy was having a hard time pronouncing the letter ''R,'' and all the other kids were, of course, teasing him about it.

To help him out, the teacher gave him a sentence to practice at home: ''Robert gave Richard a rap in the ribs for roasting the rabbit so rare.'' In class a few days later, the teacher asked the boy to recite the sentence out loud.

The boy nervously eyed his classmates--many of them already laughing at him--then replied, ''Bob gave Dick a poke in the side because the bunny wasn't cooked enough.''


September 2, 2005 - Rental Description
On duty as a customer-service rep for a car-rental company, I took a call from a driver who needed a tow. He was stranded on a busy highway, but he didn't know the make of the car he was driving.

I asked again for a more detailed description beyond "a blue four-door."

After a pause, the driver replied, "It's the one on fire."


September 1, 2005 - My Dog Ate It
A minister delivered a sermon in ten minutes one Sunday morning that was about half the usual length of his sermons.

He explained, "I regret to inform you that my dog, who is very fond of eating paper, ate that portion of my sermon which I was unable to deliver this morning."

After the service, a visitor from another church shook hands with the preacher as he was leaving, and said, "Sir, if that dog of yours has any pups, I sure would like to get one to give to my minister!"

August 2005

August 31, 2005 - Wooden Bayonet
A Civil War soldier, who had lost his bayonet, whittled one from wood so that he could pass inspection. He hoped he would not be discovered until the regiment had gone into battle, where he planned to pick one up from a dead soldier.

At inspection, an officer asked to see his bayonet. The soldier stated, "Sir, I promised my father I would not unsheathe my bayonet unless I intended to kill someone with it."

The officer insisted that the soldier hand over the bayonet.

Taking it out, the soldier looked skyward and said, "May the Lord change my bayonet to wood for breaking my vow."  He then proceeded to hand it over to the officer.


August 30, 2005 - Tax Colors
A Dutchman was explaining the red, white and blue Netherlands flag to an American.

"Our flag is symbolic of our taxes.  We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bills, and blue after we pay them."

The American nodded.  "It's the same in the USA only we see stars too!"


August 29, 2005 - You Know It's Hot Outside When...
** you ask your boss for extra work so you can be in the air conditioning as much as possible
** you've been getting hot flashes, and you're a man
** the swans in the park come in "original recipe" and "extra crispy"
** the strawberries are ripe, and the cab drivers are even riper
** the hot-dogs sold outside Yankee Stadium are actually hot
** pigs complain about sweating like fat humans
** a scalding hot shower still cools you down
** people walking down the sidewalk spontaneously burst into flames
** a $20 surcharge is added to your bill when you eat at air-conditioned restaurants
** the politicians take their hands out of your pockets to fan themselves
** you need a spatula to remove your clothing
** you wish you had gotten the cloth seats instead of leather
** you are sweating in both directions -- up and down!
** your brother's braces make blisters on his lips


August 26, 2005 - Battle of the Will
Thinking his son would enjoy seeing the re-enactment of a Civil War battle, Bob took Will to the event. But the poor child was terrified by the booming cannons. During a lull, Will's dad finally got him calmed down.

That's when the Confederate general hollered, "Fire at will!"


August 25, 2005 - Offering Encouragement
A minister in a little church had been having trouble with the collections.

One Sunday he announced, "Now, before we pass the collection plate, I would like to request that the person who stole the chickens from Brother Martin's hen house please refrain from giving any money to the Lord.  The Lord doesn't want money from a THIEF!"

The collection plate was passed around, and for the first time in months everybody gave.


August 24, 2005 - Exercise
- I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.
- The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.
- If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
- Walking can add minutes to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5000 per month.
- My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. Now she's 97 years old and we don't know where on earth she is.
- I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there.
- And last but not least: I don't exercise because it makes the ice jump right out of my glass of cola.


August 23, 2005 - Haircut Request
When a customer slid into the barber chair, the barber asked him how he wanted his hair cut.

"Make it short," the customer replied, "with a bare patch above my left ear, but longer on the right side so that it covers my right ear. I also want my left sideburn above my left ear and the right sideburn below my right ear."

The barber looked puzzled and said, "I don't think I can do that."

The customer replied, "I don't know why not--that's the way you cut it the last time I was here!"


August 22, 2005 - Needed Support
One morning a local highway department crew reaches their job-site and realizes they have forgotten all their shovels. The crew's foreman radios the office and tells his supervisor the situation.

The supervisor radios back and says, "Don't worry, we'll send some shovels... just lean on each other until they arrive."


August 19, 2005 - A Point Well Made
Defendant: Your Honor, I want you to appoint me another lawyer.
Judge: And why is that?
Defendant: Because the Public Defender isn't interested in my case.
Judge (to Public Defender): Do you have any comments on the defendant's motion?
Public Defender: I'm sorry, Your Honor. I wasn't listening.


August 18, 2005 - Withheld Pay
After being laid off from five different jobs in four months, my Uncle Joe was hired by a warehouse. One day he lost control of a forklift and drove it off the loading dock.

Surveying the damage, the owner shook his head and said he'd have to withhold 10 percent of Uncle Joe's wages to pay for the repairs.

"How much will it cost?" asked my uncle.

"About $4,500," said the owner.

"What a relief!" exclaimed Uncle Joe. "I've finally got job security!"


August 17, 2005 - Career Change

When Ruthie's grandson Jordan was 5, he always told everyone he wanted to be a doctor when he grew up. One day he was running through the house and into the corner of a chair and hurt his eye. He cried for a while and kept saying, "Oh no, oh no, now I can't be a doctor when I grow up."

Ruth assured him he could still be a doctor and Jordan kept telling her he couldn't. Finally she asked, "Why can't you be a doctor?"

Holding one hand over his eye, Jordan said, "Because now I will have to be a pirate!"


August 16, 2005 - Words Per Day
Bob was reading an article out loud to his wife. "Did you know that women use about 30,000 words a day, whereas men only use 15,000 words?"

Sadie replies, "The reason is because a woman has to say everything twice."

Bob turns to Sadie and asks, "What?"


August 15, 2005 - Driving is Going to the Dogs

As I drove into a parking lot, I noticed that a pickup truck with a dog sitting behind the wheel was rolling toward a pedestrian.  The person standing there seemed oblivious to the oncoming vehicle, so I hit my horn to get their attention.  The person looked up just in time to jump out of the way of the truck's path, and the vehicle bumped harmlessly into the curb and stopped.

I rushed to the person's side to see if they were all right.  "I'm fine," they assured me, "but I hate to think what could have happened to me if that dog hadn't honked."


August 12, 2005 - Heart-felt Allegiance
Jimmy was at his first day of school. The teacher advised the class to start the day with the Pledge of Allegiance, and instructed them to put their right hands over their hearts and repeat after him. He looked around the room as he started the recitation, "I pledge allegiance to the flag..."

When the teacher's eyes fell on Jimmy, he noticed his hand over the right cheek of his behind.

"James, I will not continue till you put your hand over your heart."

Jimmy replied, "It is over my heart."

After several attempts to get Jimmy to put his hand over his heart, the teacher asked, "Why do you think that is your heart?"

"Because, every time my Grandma comes to visit, she picks me up, pats me here, and says, 'Bless your little heart,' and my Grandma wouldn't lie."


August 11, 2005 - Great Cheese
The customer in the Italian restaurant was so pleased with his meal that he asked to speak to the chef. The owner proudly led him into the kitchen and introduced him to the chef.

"Your veal parmigiana was superb," the customer said. "I just spent a month in Italy, and yours is better than any I ever had over there."

"Naturally," the chef said. "Over there, they use domestic cheese. Ours is imported!"


August 10, 2005 - The Brilliant Engineers? 
The brilliant engineer and his brilliant assistant were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up. A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.

"We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole," said the brilliant assistant, "but we don't have a ladder."

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement, announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away.

The brilliant engineer shook his head and laughed. Isn’t that just like a dumb blonde! We ask for the height, and she gives us the length!


August 9, 2005 - Movie Night
My wife was complaining that I spend too much time on the computer and not enough time with her. I decided to fix that by having a "movie night" with her.

We watched Hackers, The Net, Anti-Trust and The Matrix.

She's still mad at me.  What did I do?


August 8, 2005 - Time Management
The church wanted to help their congregation cope better with the stresses of modern life, and decided to offer a course in Time Management.

Soon after the course was announced, a member telephoned the Pastor.

"What time does the course start, Pastor?"

The Pastor replied, "Oh... sixish, sevenish...."


August 5, 2005 - You're No Longer A Kid When...
- Driving a car doesn't always sound like fun.

- You have friends who have kids.

- You are taller than the slide at the McDonald's playland.

- Your parents' jokes are now funny.

- Naps are good.

- When things go wrong, you can't just yell, "Do-over!"

- You WANT clothes for Christmas.

- You look in the surveillance camera monitor at the convenience store, wonder who that guy is standing at the counter with the bald spot, and then realize it is a shot of you from behind.


August 4, 2005 - Better Trainer

A fellow computer programmer for a consulting group had designed some software for one of our largest accounts. He asked my help in putting it into operation.

At first, he handled most of the work. Eventually, though, he asked me to help with the last phase of the training. When I sat down with one woman and told her I would be showing her how to make changes to the files, she sighed with relief. "I'm so glad you're teaching me instead of him."

Surprised, I said that my colleague was far more experienced than I was.

"Yes," she said, "but I feel much more comfortable with you.  I get nervous around really smart people."


August 3, 2005 - Most Famous Man

A trio of old veterans were bragging about the heroic exploits of their ancestors one afternoon down at the VFW hall.

"My great grandfather, at age 13," one declared proudly, "was a drummer boy at Shiloh."

"Mine," boasts another, "went down with Custer at the Battle of Little Big Horn."

"I'm the only soldier in my family," confessed vet number three, "but if my great grandfather was living today he'd be the most famous man in the world."

"Really? What'd he do?" his friends wanted to know.

"Nothing much. But he would be 165 years old."


August 2, 2005 - Grandma Thanks
A grandmother was headed out the door to go to church one Sunday when she got a call from her daughter. “Would Grandma like to have her three little grandchildren visit while her daughter and son-in-law took a five-day holiday trip?” Grandma was so delighted she put five dollars in the collection basket at church and thanked the Lord.

The Sunday after the grandchildren had returned home, she put twenty dollars in the collection.


August 1, 2005 - Zucchini Sign
After harvesting the usual bumper crop of squash last year, I took a half-dozen to the office.  I piled them on the table in the break room and posted a sign advertising them as free.

The next day I noticed an addition to my sign.  Below "Free Zucchini," someone had written, "Save the Whales."

July 2005

July 29, 2005 - Ignored Phone
The boss was very exasperated with his new secretary. She ignored the telephone when it rang.

"You must answer the telephone," he told her irritably.

"All right," she replied, "but it seems so silly. Nine times out of ten, it's for you!"

 
July 28, 2005 - Kids Off Track?
Kids statements that are a little... off track:

* God bless America thru the night with a light from a bulb!

* Oh Susanna, Oh don't you cry for me, For I come from Alabama with a band-aid on my knee!

* Give us this day our deli bread! Glory be to the Father and to the Son and to the Whole East Coast.

* We shall come to Joyce's, bringing in the cheese.

* Gladly, the consecrated, cross-eyed bear.

* He carrots for you.

* Yield Not to Penn Station.

* Dust Around the Throne.

* Praise God From whom all blessings flow, Praise Him all creatures, HERE WE GO

* Olive, the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names.

* While shepherds washed their socks by night

* He socked me and boxed me with His redeeming glove.

 
July 27, 2005 - Every Word
A professor asked a student to remain for a few moments after class. Holding out the young man's assignment, the professor said, "Did you write this poem all by yourself?"

The student said, "Every word of it."

The professor said, "Well, then, I'm glad to meet you, Mr. Poe.  I thought you were long dead."


July 26, 2005 - Executive Approval?
For many years I worked as a receptionist and switchboard operator at a busy company. After a good annual review, my supervisor told me I was up for a raise, pending approval of the vice president.

A month later, my supervisor called me into his office and told me the VP had refused to approve the raise. His reason? I clearly wasn't doing my job.  Every time he saw me, I was either chatting with someone in the lobby or talking on the phone.


July 25, 2005 - Window Washer
There was a gentleman in the hospital bed next to me.  He was covered with bandages from head to toe.

I said to him, "What do you do for a living?"

He said, "Well, I used to be a window washer."

I asked, "When did you give it up?"

He replied, "Halfway down."

 
July 22, 2005 - Flood Prediction
Meteorological experts predicted a massive flood that would destroy the world.

Rev. Badword went on worldwide TV and said, "This is punishment from God.  Prepare to meet your maker."

The president went on TV and announced, "Our scientist have done all they can.  The end is near."

The mayor of Seattle came on and said, "Due to inclement weather, this year's Seafair Parade will be moved to the top of Queen Anne Hill."

 
July 21, 2005 - Unexpected Prayers
A wife and husband invited some people to dinner. At the table, the mom turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?" "I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied. "Just say what you hear Mommy say," the mom answered. The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"


July 20, 2005 - The Unwanted Seagull?
A father was at the beach with his children when the four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore where a seagull lay dead in the sand. "Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked. "He died and went to Heaven," the Dad replied. The boy thought a moment and then said, "Did God throw him back down?"

 
July 19, 2005 - Why We are Quiet in Church, Part 2
Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother Joel were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had had enough. "You're not supposed to talk out loud in church." "Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked. Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two men standing by the door? They're hushers."


Monday, July 18, 2005 - Why We are Quiet in Church, Part 1
A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."

 
July 15, 2005 - Becoming Like Jesus
A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5 and Ryan 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'" Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus!"

 
July 14, 2005 - Forgive Us, O Lord
One particular four-year-old prayed, "And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."

 
July 13, 2005 - Deliver Us, O Lord
I had been teaching my three-year-old daughter, Caitlin, the Lord's Prayer for several evenings at bedtime - she would repeat after me the lines from the prayer. Finally, she decided to go solo. I listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word right up to the end of the prayer: "Lead us not into temptation," she prayed, "but deliver us some E-mail.”

 
July 12, 2005 - The Christian Family
After the christening of his baby brother in church, Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, "That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I wanted to stay with you guys."

 

July 11, 2005 - Perhaps More Accurate then You Might First Think
A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was. Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted, "Thou shall not take the covers off the neighbor's wife."

 
July 8, 2005 - The Innocent Prayer of a Child (and perhaps some adults)
A little boy was overheard praying: "Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am."

July 7, 2005 - A Prayer from 3-year-old, Reese
"Our Father, Who does art in heaven, Harold is His name. Amen."


July 6, 2005 - The Name of God from a Child’s Point of View
A Sunday school teacher asked her class, "What was Jesus' mother's name?" One child answered, "Mary." The teacher then asked, "Who knows what Jesus' father's name was?" A little kid said, "Verge." Confused, the teacher asked, "Where did you get that?" The kid said, "Well, you know they are always talking about Verge n' Mary."


July 5, 2005 - The Road Trip
While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant and resumed their trip.  When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table and, she didn't miss them until after they had been driving about twenty minutes.  By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses. All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man. He fussed and complained and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive.  The more he chided her the more agitated he became. He just wouldn't let up one minute. To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant. And, as the woman got out of the car and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her........  "While you're in there, you might as well get my hat, and credit card.

 
July 4, 2005 - Misspelled Words?
Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at an Elingsh uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht frist and lsat ltteer is at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a toatl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae we do not raed ervey lteter by itslef but the wrod as a wlohe.

 
July 1, 2005 - Goat for Dinner
A young couple invited their elderly pastor for Sunday dinner.  While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what they were having. "Goat," the little boy replied. "Goat?" replied the startled man of the cloth, "Are you sure about that?" "Yep," said the youngster. "I heard Dad say to Mom, 'Today is just as good as any to have the old goat for dinner.'"

June 2005

June 30, 2005 - The Twenty and the One
A well-worn one-dollar bill and a similarly distressed twenty-dollar bill arrived at a Federal Reserve Bank to be retired.  As they moved along the conveyor belt to be burned, they struck up a conversation. The twenty-dollar bill reminisced about its travels all over the country.  "I've had a pretty good life," the twenty proclaimed.  "Why I've been to Las Vegas and Atlantic City, the finest restaurants in New York, performances on Broadway, and even a cruise to the Caribbean." "Wow!" said the one-dollar bill.  "You've really had an exciting life!" "So tell me," says the twenty," "where have you been throughout your lifetime?" The one dollar bill replies, "Oh, I've been to the Methodist Church, the Baptist Church, the Lutheran Church..." The twenty dollar bill interrupts, "What's a church?"


June 29, 2005 - Great Truths About Growing Old
1) Growing up is mandatory; growing old is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.


June 28, 2005 - Great Truths that Adults Have Learned
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.


June 27, 2005 - Great Truths that Little Children have Learned
1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.


June 24, 2005 - Actual Newspaper Ads - Part 5
'93 PONTIAC LEMONS - Low Miles
NICE PARACHUTE: never opened - used once
OPEN HOUSE: Body Shapers Toning Salon - free coffee and donuts
'83 TOYOTA HUNCHBACK: $2000
SHAKESPEARE'S PIZZA: free chopsticks
OUR SOFA SEATS THE WHOLE MOB: and it's made of 100% Italian leather
GROUND BEAST: 99 cents lb.

 
June 23, 2005 - Actual Newspaper Ads - Part 4
TICKLE ME ELMO: Still in box, comes with its own 1988 Mustang, auto trans., excellent condition - $6,800
DO SOMETHING SPECIAL for your Valentine - have your septic tank pumped
FREE: 1 can of Pork and Beans with purchase of 3 BR 2 bath home.
BILL'S SEPTIC CLEANING: "We hault American made products"
HUMMELS: Largest selection ever - "If it's in stock, we have it."
CUTE KITTEN FOR SALE: 2 cents or best offer
WHIRLPOOL BUILT-IN OVEN: Frost free!


June 22, 2005 - Actual Newspaper Ads - Part 3
FOR RENT: 6 room hated apartment
WANTED: Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink
AND NOW, the superstore unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.
WE WILL OIL your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1
AMANA WASHER: $100. Owned by clean bachelor who seldom washed.
SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE: Only used on snowy days.
2 WIRE MESH BUTCHERING GLOVES, one 5-finger, one 3-finger, PAIR: $15


June 21, 2005 - Actual Newspaper Ads - Part 2
ILLITERATE? Write today for free help.
AUTO REPAIR SERVICE: Free pick up and delivery. Try us once, you will never go anywhere again.
DOG FOR SALE: Eats anything and is fond of children
STOCK UP AND SAVE: Limit: one per customer.
DINNER SPECIAL: Turkey $3.25; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00
NOW IS YOUR CHANCE to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.
GREAT DAMES for sale.

June 20, 2005 - Actual Newspaper Ads - Part 1
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER: 8 years old. Hateful little dog. Bites
FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog
FREE PUPPIES: Part German Shepherd, part stupid dog
FREE GERMAN SHEPHERD: 85 lbs. Neutered. Speaks German.
FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG: Looks like a rat, been out a while, better be a reward.
NORDIC TRACK: $300 Hardly used -- call Chubby
GEORGIA PEACHES: California grown - 89 cents lb.

 
June 17, 2005 - Two Guys and a Big Deep Hole
Two guys are walking through the woods and come across this big deep hole.

"Wow...that looks deep."

"Sure does... toss a few pebbles in there and see how deep it is."

They pick up a few pebbles and throw them in and wait... no noise.

"Wow! That is REALLY deep... here.. throw a couple of these great big rocks down there. Those should make a noise."

They pick up a couple football-sized rocks and toss them into the hole and wait... and wait. Nothing.

They look at each other in amazement. One gets a determined look on his face and says, "Hey...over here in the weeds, there's a railroad tie. Help me carry it over here. When we toss THAT in, it's GOTTA make some noise."

The two drag the heavy tie over to the hole and heave it in.  Not a sound comes from the hole.

Suddenly, out of the nearby woods, a goat appears, running like the wind. It rushes toward the two men, then right past them, running as fast as it's legs will carry it. Suddenly it leaps in the air and into the hole.

The two men are astonished with what they've just seen.

Then, out of the woods comes a farmer who spots the men and ambles over. "Hey... you two guys seen my goat out here?" "You bet we did! Craziest thing I ever seen. It came running like crazy and just jumped into this hole!"

"Nah", says the farmer, "That couldn't have been MY goat. My goat was chained to a railroad tie."


June 16, 2005 - Good Housekeeping Tip # 132
Always keep several get-well cards on the mantle so if unexpected guests arrive, you can say you've been sick and unable to clean.


June 15, 2005 - Natchitoches
Two rednecks were driving through Louisiana. As they were approaching  the town of Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of  the name. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one redneck asked the manager, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are... very slowly?"

The manager leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrrrr-gerrrrrrr-Kiiiiing."


Tuesday, June 14, 2005 - The Atheist and the Loch Ness Moster
An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat high into the air. Then it opened its mouth to swallow both. As the man sailed head over heels, he cried out, "Oh, my God! Help me!"

At once, the ferocious attack scene froze in place, and as the atheist hung in mid-air, a booming voice came down from the clouds. "I thought you didn't believe in Me!" "Come on God, give me a break!," the man pleaded. "Two minutes ago I didn't believe in the Loch Ness monster either!"


June 13, 2005 - One Liners
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
A stick

How do spoiled rich kids change a light bulb?
They say, "Daddy, I want a new apartment."

What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones

What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
Nacho Cheese

What do you call four bull fighters in quicksand?
Quattro sinko

What do you get when you cross an elephant and a skin doctor?
A pachydermatologist

What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you?
A pool table

Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
Because they have big fingers.


June 10, 2005 - The Four Stages of Life
1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.


June 9, 2005 - The Philistine and they Eye Doctor
A Philistine went to an eye doctor to have his eyes checked for glasses. The doctor directed him to read various letters with the left eye while covering the right eye. The Philistine was so mixed up on which eye was which that the eye doctor, in disgust, took a paper lunch bag with a hole to see through, covered up the appropriate eye and asked him to read the letters. As he did so, he noticed the Philistine had tears streaming down his face.

"Look," said the doctor, "there's no need to get emotional about getting glasses."

"I know," agreed the Philistine, "But I kind of had my heart set on wire frames."


June 8, 2005 - Bible Trivia - Believe it or Not
Q.  What kind of man was Boaz before he married?
A.  Ruthless.

Q.  What do they call pastors in Germany?
A.  German Shepherds.

Q.  Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
A.  Noah.  He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.

Q.  Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
A.  Pharaoh's daughter.  She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet.

Q.  What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
A.  Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury.  David's Triumph was heard throughout the land.  Also, probably a Honda, because the apostles were all in one Accord.

Q.  Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
A.  Samson.  He brought the house down.

Q.  What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden?
A.  Your mother ate us out of house and home.

Q.  Which servant of God was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?
A.  Moses.  He broke all 10 commandments at once.

Q.  Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?
A.  The area around Jordan.  The banks were always overflowing.

Q.  Who is the greatest baby sitter mentioned in the Bible?
A.  David.  He rocked Goliath to a very deep sleep.

Q.  Which Bible character had no parents?
A.  Joshua, son of Nun.


June 7, 2005 - You Know It's Your Last Day At Work When
You hand a bank teller an envelope, and when she asks, "What's this?" you realize you just dropped the company's deposit in a mailbox.

While your boss is at lunch, you sneak in and look at some confidential information on his computer. You spill coffee on the keyboard. It shorts out.

You return from a week's vacation to find that you had scheduled *this* week as vacation, not last week. (Just means you get to take two weeks vacation, right?)

You take a "sick" day. The next morning the boss asks you, "So, how was the fishing on Rock Creek yesterday?"

June 6, 2005 - The Philistine and the Thermos
A Philistine was shopping and came across a silver thermos. He was quite fascinated by it, so he picked it up and brought it over to the clerk to ask what it was. The clerk said, "Why, that's a thermos...it keeps things hot and some things cold."

"Wow, said the Philistine, "that's amazing...I'm going to buy it!" So he bought the thermos and took it to work the next day. His boss saw it on his desk.

"What's that?” he asked.

"Why, that's a thermos...it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold," he replied.

His boss inquired, “What do you have in it?”

The Philistine replied, “Two popsicles, and some coffee.”

June 3, 2005 - Reasons not to Wash
If you took the same excuses that people use for not going to church and apply them to other important areas of life you'd realize how inconsistent we can be in our logic.  For example: Reasons Not To Wash

1. I was forced to as a child.
2. People who make soap are only after your money.
3. I wash on special occasions like Christmas and Easter.
4. People who wash are hypocrites - they think they are cleaner than everyone else.
5. There are so many different kinds of soap, I can't decide which one is best.
6. I used to wash, but it got boring so I stopped.
7. None of my friends wash.
8. The bathroom is never warm enough in the winter or cool enough in the summer.
9. I'll start washing when I get older and dirtier.
10. I can't spare the time.


June 2, 2005 - Top 12 Things NOT to say to a cop who has pulled you over
1.   I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
2.  Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
3.  Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4.  Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me.  Good job!
5.  Are you Andy or Barney?
6.  I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
7.  You're not gonna check the trunk are you?
8.  I pay your salary!
9.  Gee, Officer! That's terrific.  The last officer only gave me a warning too!
10. Do you know why you pulled me over?  Okay, just so one of us does.
11. I was trying to keep up with traffic.  Yes, I know there are no other cars around.  That's how far ahead of me they are.
12. When the Officer says "Gee Son...Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?” You probably shouldn't respond with, "Gee Officer your eyes looked glazed, have you been eating donuts?


Wednesday, June 1, 2005 - If Biblical Headlines were written by Today's Liberal Media
On Red Sea crossing:
WETLANDS TRAMPLED IN LABOR STRIKE
Pursuing Environmentalists Killed
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
On David vs. Goliath:
HATE CRIME KILLS BELOVED CHAMPION
Psychologist Questions Influence of Rock
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
On Elijah on Mt. Carmel:
FIRE SENDS RELIGIOUS RIGHT EXTREMIST INTO FRENZY
400 Killed
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
On the birth of Christ:
HOTELS FULL, ANIMALS LEFT HOMELESS
Animal Rights Activists Enraged by Insensitive Couple
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
On feeding the 5,000:
PREACHER STEALS CHILD'S LUNCH
Disciples Mystified Over Behavior
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
On healing the 10 lepers:
LOCAL DOCTOR'S PRACTICE RUINED
"Faith Healer" Causes Bankruptcy
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
On healing of the Gadarene demoniac:
MADMAN'S FRIEND CAUSES STAMPEDE
Local Farmer's Investment Lost
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
On raising Lazarus from the dead:
FUNDAMENTALIST PREACHER RAISES A STINK
Will Reading to be Delayed

May 2005

May 31, 2005 - Friar Florists
Some friars were behind in their belfry payments, so they opened a small florist shop to raise the funds.  Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, the rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair.

He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close.  They ignored him. He asked his mother to go ask the friars to get out of business.  They ignored her.  So, the rival florist hired Hugh Mac Taggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close.  Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close shop.  Terrified, the friars did so.

The Moral of the Story:  Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars!!!


May 30, 2005 - Shopkeepers Competition
The shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read BEST DEALS.

He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading LOWEST PRICES.

The shopkeeper was panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop.

It read...

MAIN ENTRANCE


May 27, 2005 - A Play on Words
Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.
A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.
Definition of a will: A dead give away.
In democracy your vote counts; in feudalism your count votes.
She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
A lot of money is tainted - It taint yours and it taint mine.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
If you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-dough basis.
Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.


May 26, 2005 - Real Church Bulletin Bloopers, Part 4
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.


May 25, 2005 - Real Church Bulletin Bloopers, Part 3
The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: "Break Forth Into Joy."

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.


May 24, 2005 - Real Church Bulletin Bloopers, Part 2
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.


May 23, 2005 - Real Church Bulletin Bloopers, Part 1
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."

Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.

Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands.

The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.


May 20, 2005 - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder
Do you suffer from A. A. A. D. D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder?

This is how it manifested itself for one poor fellow:

I decide to water my garden ...As I turn on the hose in the driveway, ...I look over at my car and decide that my car needs washing.

... As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mailbox earlier.

... I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

... I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the trash can under the table, and notice that the trash can is full.

... So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the trash first.

... But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the trash anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.

... I take my checkbook off the table, and see that there is only one check left ... My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go to my desk where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking.

... I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. I see that the Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

... As I head toward the kitchen with the coke a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need to be watered.

... I set the Coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.

... I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.

... I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote.

... Someone left it on the kitchen table.

... I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.

... I splash some water on the flowers, but most of it spills on the floor.

... So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.

... Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

... At the end of the day: the car isn't washed, the bills aren't paid, there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter, the flowers aren't watered, there is still only one check in my checkbook, I can't find the remote, I can't find my glasses, and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

... Then when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired.

... I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.

... Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!

GROWING OLDER IS MANDATORY.
GROWING UP IS OPTIONAL.
LAUGHING AT YOURSELF IS THERAPEUTIC!


May 19, 2005 - The Storms of Life
A little girl walked to and from school daily. Though the weather that day was questionable and clouds were forming, she made her daily trek to the elementary school. As the afternoon progressed, the winds whipped up, along with thunder and lightning.  The mother of the little girl felt concerned that her daughter would be frightened as she walked home from school and she herself feared that the electrical storm might harm her child.

Following the roar of thunder, lightning, like a flaming sword, would cut through the sky. Full of concern, the mother quickly got into her car and drove along the route to her child's school. As she did so, she saw her little girl walking along, but at each flash of lightning, the child would stop, look up and smile.  Another and another were to follow quickly and with each the little girl would look at the streak of light and smile.

When the mother's car drew up beside the child she lowered the window and called to her, "What are you doing? Why do you keep stopping?" The child answered," I am trying to look pretty. God keeps taking my picture."

May God bless you today as you face the storms that come your way.


May 18, 2005 - Dog-gone Good Advice
If a dog was the teacher, you would learn stuff like:
When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.
Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.
Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.
When it's in your best interest, practice obedience.
Let others know when they've invaded your territory.
Take naps.
Stretch before rising.
Run, romp, and play daily.
Thrive on attention and let people touch you.
Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.
On warm days, stop to lie on your back on the grass.
On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree.
When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body.
No matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into the guilt thing and pout. Run right back and make friends.
Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.
Eat with gusto and enthusiasm. Stop when you have had enough.
Be loyal. Never pretend to be something you're not.
If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.
When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.


May 17, 2005 - The Philistine and the Escalator
Did you hear about the near-tragedy at the mall? There was a power outage, and twelve Philistines were stuck on the escalators for over four hours.


May 16, 2005 - Top Ten Reasons its Great to be a Guy - Part 3
You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and anniversaries.
New shoes don't blister, cut, and mangle your feet.
You don't care if someone's talking about you behind your back.
If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong buddies.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
If something mechanical doesn't work, you can bash it with a hammer or throw it across the room.
You needn't pretend you're "freshening up" to go to the bathroom.
You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.
Wedding dress: $2000; Tuxedo rental: $75.

And the #1 reason it’s great to be a guy: Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So.... notice anything different?"


May 13, 2005 - True Wisdom?
An angel appears at a faculty meeting and tells the dean that in return for his unselfish and exemplary behavior, the Lord will reward him with his choice of infinite wealth, infinite wisdom, or infinite beauty. Without hesitating, the dean selects "infinite wisdom."

"Done!" says the angel, and disappears in a cloud of smoke and a bolt of lightning.

Now, all heads turn toward the dean, who sits surrounded by a faint halo of light. At length, one of his colleagues whispers, "Say something."

The dean sighs and says, "I should have taken the money."


May 12, 2005 - Asking for Directions - a true news story from January 2005
In January of 2005, a 22-year-old man robbed a Chevron station in Vancouver, Wash. He eluded police in a high-speed getaway, but he then got lost and wound up back at the same Chevron station. Apparently not recognizing where he was, the man asked for directions, allowing the clerk to notify police, who soon arrested him.


May 11, 2005 - Attention Seniors
We all need to keep healthy and strong as we grow older. I just found this exercise and thought you might be interested. It seems so easy I thought I would pass it on to some of my friends. The article suggested doing it three days a week. But don't over-do it.

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.

With a 5-lb potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides. Hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, then relax.

Each day, you will find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.

After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato sacks. Then 50-lb potato sacks, and eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks.


May 10, 2005 - Disorder in the American Courts
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
_________________________________
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15th.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
__________________________________
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
__________________________________
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?
_____________________________________
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
_____________________________________
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Doris?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
______________________________________
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________________
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
A: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
___________________________________
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
A: He's twenty
_____________________________________
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
______________________________________
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
______________________________________
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
______________________________________
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male or a female?
______________________________________
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
______________________________________
Q: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
______________________________________
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
______________________________________
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
______________________________________
AND TO SAVE THE BEST FOR LAST!!!!!!

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.


May 9, 2005 - Top Ten Reasons its Great to be a Guy - Part 2
10.  You can be showered and ready to go in 10 minutes.
9.  If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
8.  If you're 34 and single, nobody even notices.
7.  Chocolate is just another snack.
6.  Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
5.  You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader's coming by.
4.  You don't care if anyone notices your new haircut.
3.  You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like him.
2.  Gray hair and wrinkles only add character.

And the #1 reason it’s great to be a guy:  Car mechanics tell you the truth.


May 6, 2005 - The Sin of Lying
A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying.  To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark Chapter 17."

The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands.  He wanted to know how many had read Mark Chapter 17.  Every hand went up.

The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only 16 Chapters.  I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."


May 5, 2005 - Famous Last Words
"Hey everyone, watch this!"
"Look! No hands!"
"Are you sure the electricity is off?"
"I wonder where the mother bear is?"
"What happens when I touch these to wires toge--“
"That’s odd..."
"Let it down slowly"
"Don’t unplug it, it will only take a minute to fix."
"What does this button do?"


May 4, 2005 - Oxymoron - a combination of contradictory or incongruous words
Examples:
Assistant supervisor
Half dead
Exact estimate
Completely unfinished
New tradition
Act naturally
Found missing
Original copy
Genuine imitation
Good grief
Uninvited guest
Highly depressed
Final version
Alone together
Small crowd
Live recording
Soft rock
Dry lake
Standard options
Sweet sorrow
"Now, then ..."
Passive aggression
Clearly misunderstood
Peace force
Extinct life
Plastic glasses
Terribly pleased
Political science
Tight slacks
Definite maybe
Pretty ugly
Rap music
Working vacation
Even odds
Great Depression
Terribly nice
Freezer burn
Jumbo shrimp
Same difference
Second best
Dress pants
Work party


May 3, 2005 - A Few of Life’s Unanswered Questions - Part 2
Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?
Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?
Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?
Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?
Why do "tug" boats push their barges?
Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?
Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?
Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?
Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?
If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?
Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?
Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?


May 2, 2005 - Top Ten Reasons its Great to be a Guy - Part 1
10.  Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
9.  A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
8.  Your bathroom lines are 80 percent shorter.
7.  You can open all your own jars.
6.  Old friends could care less whether you've lost or gained weight.
5.  You don't have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you go.
4.  You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
3.  Your last name stays put.
2.  You can leave the hotel bed unmade.

And the #1 reason it’s great to be a guy: Wedding plans take care of themselves.