Good, Clean Jokes and Funny Stories

Good, Clean Jokes and Funny Stories

While the Bible isn't a joke book, it is obvious that humor played an important role in Hebrew culture. When drought hit Jacob's world he turned to his sons and said, "Why are you staring at one another...Go down [to Egypt] and buy some for us" (Gen 42:1-2). I also hear humor in some of Jesus' remarks, like when He renamed James and John the "sons of thunder" or when He said the Pharisees where like whitewashed tombs, full of dead men's bones (Matt 23). I think we need the picture of Jesus laughing and enjoying people. In fact, while Jesus indeed had many hard things to say, He was also full of emotion, joy and celebration. Even as He rebuked the Pharisees, we see a glimpse of His demeanor in ministry when He scolded them saying, "We played the flute for you, but you would not dance" (Matt 11). There was something very non-religious in Jesus that laughter, celebration and humor is part of. Hopefully, these jokes, stories and quips will help make your day more merry as you walk with the Lord Jesus through this world.


November 2005

November 30, 2005 - Silent Descent
Timmy came thundering down the stairs, much to his father's annoyance. "Timmy," he called, "how many more times have I got to tell you to come downstairs quietly? Now, go back upstairs and come down like a civilized human being."

There was a silence, and Timmy reappeared in the front room. "That's better," said his father, "now in future you will always come down stairs like that."

"Suits me," said Timmy. "I slid down the railing."

November 29, 2005 - Most Difficult Case
Two psychiatrists were at a convention. As they conversed over dinner, one asked, "What was your most difficult case?"

The other replied, "I had a patient who lived in a pure fantasy world. He believed that an uncle in South America was going to die and leave him a fortune. All day long he waited for a letter to arrive from an attorney. He never went out, he never did anything, he merely sat around and waited for this fantasy letter from this fantasy uncle. I worked with this man eight years."

"What was the result?"

"It was an eight-year struggle. Every day for eight years, but I finally cured him. And then that stupid letter arrived!"

November 28, 2005 - Dangling Participles
~ The burglar was about 30 years old, white, 5' 10", with wavy hair weighing about 150 pounds.
~ The family lawyer will read the will tomorrow at the residence of Mr. Hannon, who died June 19 to accommodate his relatives.
~ Mrs. Shirley Baxter, who went deer hunting with her husband, is very proud that she was able to shoot a fine buck as well as her husband.
~ Organ donations from the living reached a record high last year, outnumbering donors who are dead for the first time.
~ The dog was hungry and made the mistake of nipping a 2-year-old that was trying to force feed it in his ear.
~ We spent most of our time sitting on the back porch watching the cows playing Scrabble and reading.
~ Hunting can also be dangerous, as in the case of pygmies hunting elephants armed only with spears.

November 25, 2005 - Four Little Words
Heather and Marcy hadn't seen each other in awhile, so they decided to meet for lunch.  The talk naturally got around to their respective love lives.  Marcy confided that there really wasn't anyone special in her life.

Heather, on the other hand, was beaming about the new man she had found.  "He's perfect.  He's handsome, he's sweet, and last night when we went out to dinner, he said the four little words I've been waiting to hear a man say to me!"

"He said 'Will you marry me?'" Marcy asked.

Heather replied, "No. He said 'Put your money away.'"

November 24, 2005 - 'Twas the Night of Thanksgiving
With apologies to Clement C. Moore, author of
A Visit From St. Nicholas ('Twas the Night Before Christmas)

'Twas the night of Thanksgiving, But I just couldn't sleep.
I tried counting backwards, I tried counting sheep
The leftovers beckoned --- The dark meat and white,
But I fought the temptation with all of my might.

Tossing and turning with anticipation
The thought of a snack became infatuation.
So I raced to the kitchen, Flung open the door,
And gazed at the fridge full of goodies galore.
I gobbled up turkey and buttered potatoes,
Pickles and carrots, beans and tomatoes.

I felt myself swelling so plump and so round,
Till all of a sudden, I rose off the ground!

I crashed through the ceiling. Floating into the sky....
With a mouthful of pudding and a handful of pie,
But I managed to yell as I soared past the trees ...



November 23, 2005 - How to Liven Up Thanksgiving Dinner
1. Load your plate up high, then take it to the kitchen, toss it all in the blender, and take your "shake" back to the table. Announce that It's the new Thanksgiving Weight Loss Shake
2. When everyone goes around to say what they are Thankful for, say, "I'm thankful I didn't get caught." and refuse to say anything more.
3. Bring along old recorded football games, pop them in the VCR when Dad's not looking. Make sure it is set to the last two minutes of the game When he comes into the room, turn off the VCR and turn on the regular TV.
4. Bring a date that only talks about the tragic and abusive conditions known to exist at turkey farms.
5. During Mid-meal turn to mom and say, "See mom, I told you they wouldn't notice that the Turkey was past expiration date. You were worried for nothing."

November 22, 2005 - City Kids Camping
Two boys from the city were on a camping trip. The mosquitoes were so fierce the boys had to hide under their blankets to keep from being bitten.

Then one of them saw some lightning bugs, and said to his friend: "We might as well give up. They're coming at us with flashlights!"

November 21, 2005 - Yet Another Rendition of “Who’s on First”
George:   Condi!  Nice to see you.  What's happening?
Condi:   Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.
George:   Great.  Lay it on me.
Condi:   Hu is the new leader of China.
George:   That's what I want to know.
Condi:   That's what I'm telling you.
George:   That's what I'm asking you.  Who is the new leader of China?
Condi:   Yes.
George:   I mean the fellow's name.
Condi:   Hu.
George:   The guy in China.
Condi:   Hu.
George:   The new leader of China.
Condi:   Hu
George:   The main man in China!
Condi:   Hu is leading China.
George:   Now whaddya' asking me for?
Condi:   I'm telling you, Hu is leading China.
George:   Well, I'm asking you.  Who is leading China?
Condi:   That's the man's name.
George:   That's who's name?
Condi:   Yes.
George:   Will you, or will you not, tell me the name of the new leader of China?
Condi:   Yes, sir.
George:   Yassir?  Yassir Arafat is in China?  I thought he's dead in the Middle East.
Condi:   That's correct.
George:   Then who is in China?
Condi:   Yes, sir.
George:   Yassir is in China?
Condi:   No, sir.
George:   Then who is?
Condi:   Yes, sir.
George:   Yassir?
Condi:   No, sir.
George:  Look Condi.  I need to know the name of the new leader of China.  Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.
Condi:   Kofi?
George:   No, thanks.
Condi:  You want Kofi?
George:   No.
Condi:   You don't want Kofi.
George:  No.  But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk.  And then get me the U.N.
Condi:   Yes, sir.
George:  Not Yassir!  The guy at the U.N.
Condi:  Kofi?
George:  Milk!  Will you please make the call?
Condi:  And call who?
George:  Who is the guy at the U.N?
Condi:   Hu is the guy in China
George:   Will you stay out of China?!
Condi:   Yes, sir.
George:   And stay out of the Middle East!  Just get me the guy at  the U.N.
Condi:  Kofi.
George:  All right!  With cream and two sugars.

November 18, 2005 - Referrals
When our local doctor began attending church services, the minister was delighted. It wasn't long before they were helping each other in their work; the minister referring people to the doctor, and vice versa.

One referral from the doctor arrived at the church office with a note prescribing the minister's last four sermons. The minister was most pleased until he discovered that the patient's problem was insomnia.

November 17, 2005 - Dangerous Dog
Upon entering a little country store, a stranger noticed a sign reading, "Danger!  Beware of Dog" posted on the glass door.  Inside, he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor besides the cash register. He asked the store manager, "Is that the dog folks are supposed to beware of?"

"Yep, that's him," he replied.

The stranger couldn't help but be amused.  "That certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me.  Why in the world would you post that sign?"

"Because," the owner replied, "before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him."

Wednesday, November 16, 2005 - Ammunition Substantiation
An infantry brigade was training in the summer heat, learning methods to counter offensive tactics. That summer, the area had experienced an infestation of rattlesnakes. Officers and NCOs were given one magazine of live ammunition to counter this danger, as several men had already been bitten.

So much ammunition was expended shooting, supposedly, at snakes that the post commander demanded that every officer and NCO who had shot at a snake present the dead snake as proof that the expenditure of rounds was justifiable.

The next day, the post commander entered his office and spotted a shoe box on his desk. He opened it, revealing a sleepy and sluggish, but very live, rattlesnake. Inside the box were twenty expended cartridges, and a short note.

The note said, "I missed!"

November 15, 2005 - Army Fatigue(s)
My husband wore his Army uniform with pride. One day, coming home from the base and dressed in olive drab fatigues, he stopped off at the grocery store to pick up a few things.

While in line at the check out counter, he noticed a little boy standing with his Mother. The boy took one look at my husband in his uniform, and his eyes grew wide.  My husband in turn gave the young man a crisp salute. The boy was so excited. He pointed at my husband and announced," Look Mom! A Giant Boy Scout!"

November 14, 2005 - Have You Seen This?
I had trouble with the idea of turning 30 and was oversensitive to any signs of advancing age.  When I found a prominent gray hair in my bangs, I pointed to my forehead and asked my husband, "Oh no, have you seen this?"

"What?" he asked.  "The wrinkles?"

November 11, 2005 - Updated Punishment
"When I was a youngster," complained the frustrated father, shaking his head, "I was disciplined by being sent to my room without supper.  But our son has his own color TV, phone, computer and CD player."

"So what do you do when your son misbehaves?" asked his friend.

"I send him to our room!"

November 10, 2005 - How to Train a Cat
Our young daughter had adopted a stray cat. To my distress, he began to use the back of our new sofa as a scratching post. "Don't worry," my husband reassured me, "I'll have him trained in no time."

I watched for several days as my husband patiently "trained" our new pet. Whenever the cat scratched, my husband deposited him outdoors to teach him a lesson.

The cat learned quickly. For the next 13 years, whenever he wanted to go outside, he scratched the back of the sofa.

Wednesday, November 9, 2005 - Holding Hands
While at the mall, I saw an elderly couple holding hands while they were walking. As they approached, I commented on how romantic it was.

He replied, "We have been holding hands when we go out in public for over thirty years. I have to. If I let go, she shops."

November 8, 2005 - Worker Ants
The teacher was giving her class of seven-year-olds a natural history lesson. "Worker ants," she told them, "can carry pieces of food five times their own weight. What do you conclude from that?"

One child was ready with the answer: "They don't have a union."

November 7, 2005 - Hybrid Car
My uncle in Detroit tried to make a new kind of car. He took the engine from a Ford, the transmission from an Oldsmobile, the tires from a Cadillac, and the exhaust system from a Plymouth."

"Really? What did he get?"

"Fifteen years for theft."

November 4, 2005 - Golf Deduction
Taking advantage of a balmy day in New York, a priest and three other men of the cloth swapped their clerical garb for polos and khakis and time out on the golf course. After several really horrible shots, their caddie asked, "You guys wouldn't be priests by any chance?" 

"Actually, yes, we are." one cleric replied. "How did you know?" 

"Easy," said the caddie, "I've never seen such bad golf and such clean language!"

November 3, 2005 - Crowded Bus
It was rush hour, and when the bus finally arrived, it was packed. I tried to force my way on, but no one would budge, although there was ample room in the back. Then the bus driver took over.

"Excuse me, ladies and gentlemen," he shouted. "Will all the beautiful, smart people please move to the back of the bus, and all the ugly stupid people stay up front?"

Wednesday, November 2, 2005 - Clutter Advice
About a week ago, I came across an Internet advice column that told me how to eliminate the paperwork clutter on my desk.

Just what I needed.

So I printed out the twenty-five pages of how-to instructions, and placed them on top of the rest of the stuff on my desk. Now I can't find them.

November 1, 2005 - 18-Wheeler
There was a man driving down the road behind an 18-wheeler. At every stoplight the trucker would get out of the cab, run back and bang on the trailer door. After seeing this at several intersections in a row, the motorist followed him until he pulled into a parking lot.

When they both had come to a stop the truck driver once again jumped out and started banging on the trailer door. The motorist went up to him and said, "I don't mean to be nosy, but why do you keep banging on that door?"

The trucker replied, "Sorry, can't talk now. I have 20 tons of canaries and a 10-ton limit. I have to keep half of them in the air all the time!"

October 2005

October 31, 2005 - Afraid of the Storm
During a severe thunderstorm, a mother tucked her child into bed and turned off the light. Frightened by the tempest, he asked, "Mommy, will you sleep with me?" Hugging him, she replied, "I can't, dear. I have to sleep with Daddy." Stepping out of the room, she heard, "That big sissy!"

October 28, 2005 - The Italian Tomato Garden
An old Italian man lived alone in the country.  He wanted to dig his tomato garden, but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot.  If you were here my troubles would be over.  I know you would dig the plot for me.
Love Dad

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Dad,
Not for nothing, but don't dig up that garden.  That's where I buried the BODIES.
Love Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies.  They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now.  That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love Vinnie

October 27, 2005 - How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb? - Part 2
1. Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture.

2. Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light bulb!

3. Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.

4. Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb. Or "We don't need no stinking light bulb."

5. Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?

6. Australian Shepherd: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle...

7. Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.

October 26, 2005 - How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb? - Part 1

1. Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?

2. Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.

3. Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!

4. Rottweiler: Make me.

5. Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.

6. Lab: Oh, me, me!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeeeeze, please, please, please!

7. German Shepherd: I'll change it as soon as I've led these people from the dark, check to make sure I haven't missed any, and make just one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation.

October 25, 2005 - Blind Date
After being with his blind date all evening, the man couldn't take another minute with her.  Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him to the phone so he would have an excuse to leave if something like this happened.

When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said, "I have some bad news. My grandfather just died."

"Thank goodness," his date replied. "If yours hadn't, mine would have had to!"

October 24, 2005 - Dentist Bill
A woman phoned her dentist when she received a huge bill. "I'm shocked!" she complained. "This is three times what you normally charge."

"Yes, I know," said the dentist. "But you yelled so loud, you scared away two other patients."

October 21, 2005 - Finished Chores
My parents are both busy professional people and have trouble finding time for chores and home maintenance. On weekends they each make a list of things to be done. Father's list is never completely crossed off, but Mother's always is. Puzzled, I asked her how she managed that.

"Simple," she answered with a satisfied grin. "I do the chore first, and then I put it on the list and cross it off."

October 20, 2005 - Economics Exam
Not expecting to do well on the economics exam, Bill was heartened by the first question: In any given year, and to the nearest ton, how much wheat did the United States export?

After thinking for a moment, Bill smiled confidently and wrote, "In 1492, none."

October 19, 2005 - Refrigerator Goals
When I returned home from college for a break, I noticed a paper posted on the refrigerator. It listed some goals my dad had set for himself: Help wife more; lose weight; be more productive at work.

I promptly added: "Send Michelle money every month."

A few days later my brother wrote: "Make payments on car for Jason."

Then my boyfriend joined in with: "Buy Tom a Jeep."

Finally my father added a new goal to his amended list: "Wean kids."

October 18, 2005 - Guard Dog

My sister-in-law, a truck driver, had decided to get a dog for protection.

As she inspected a likely candidate, the trainer told her, "He doesn't like men."

"Perfect," my sister-in-law thought and took the dog.

Then one day she was approached by two suspicious looking men in a parking lot, and she watched to see how her canine bodyguard would react.

Soon it became clear that the trainer wasn't kidding.

As the men got closer, the dog ran under the nearest car.

October 17, 2005 - Nutrition and Worms
A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.

The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.

The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.

The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol - Dead.

The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead.

Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead.

Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.

So the minister asked the congregation, "What can you learn from this demonstration?"

A little old woman in the back quickly raised her hand and said, "As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"

October 14, 2005 - The Philistine and the Puzzle
A Philistine called a friend and said, "Please come over here and help me.  I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started." 

The friend asked, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"  The Philistine said, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger." The friend decided to go over and help with the puzzle.

The Philistine let their friend in and showed him where the puzzle was spread all over the table.  The friend studied the pieces for a moment, then looked at the box, then turned to the Philistine and said, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger." 

The friend took the Philistine’s hand and said, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of hot chocolate and then.........."  he sighed, ...................... "let's put all these  Frosted Flakes back in the box."

October 13, 2005 - Out of the Mouth of Babes, Part 4
(1) There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there? -- Kelvin, age 8

Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck. -- Ricky, age 10

October 12, 2005 - Out of the Mouth of Babes, Part 3
(1) When they're rich. -- Pam, age 7

(2) The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that. -- Curt, age 7

(3) The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do. -- Howard, age 8

It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them. -- Anita, age 9

October 11, 2005 - Out of the Mouth of Babes, Part 2
Both don't want any more kids. -- Lori, age 8

(1) Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough. -- Lynnette, age 8

(2) On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date. -- Martin, age 10

I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns. -- Craig, age 9

October 10, 2005 - Out of the Mouth of Babes, Part 1
(1) You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming. -- Alan, age 10

(2) No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with. -- Kirsten, age 10

(1) Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then. -- Camille, age 10

(2) No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married. -- Freddie, age 6

You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids. -- Derrick, age 8

October 7, 2005 - Abbott and Costello - Computer Version of “Who’s On First?”
This is a long one, but it’s worth it.
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den, and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look in the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What have you got?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
COSTELLO: For my office?
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend office with windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office and it has windows! OK, let’s just say, I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W."
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. OK, forget that. Can I watch movies on the Internet?
ABBOTT: Yes, you want Real One.
COSTELLO: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. Just tell me what I need!
ABBOTT: Real One.
COSTELLO: If it’s a long movie I also want to see reel 2, 3 & 4. Can I watch them?
ABBOTT: Of course.
COSTELLO: Great, with what?
ABBOTT: Real One.
COSTELLO: OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?
ABBOTT: You click the blue "1."
COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?
ABBOTT: The blue "1."
COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue w?
ABBOTT: The blue 1 is Real One and the blue W is Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: But there are three words in "office for windows!"
ABBOTT: No, just one. But it’s the most popular Word in the world.
ABBOTT: Yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other Words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other Words out there.
COSTELLO: And that word is real one?
ABBOTT: Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One isn't even part of Office.
COSTELLO: Stop! Don't start that again. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled to my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click on "START"...

October 6, 2005 - Visiting List
A Catholic priest went to the hospital to visit patients.  Stopping at the nurse's station, he carefully looked over the patient roster and jotted down the room number of everyone who had "Cath" written boldly next to his name.

That, he told me, was a big mistake.  When I asked why, he replied, "It was only after I had made the rounds that I learned they were all patients with catheters."

October 5, 2005 - Out of Fuel

Cessna: "Newark tower, Cessna 12345, student pilot, I am out of fuel."

Tower: "Roger Cessna 12345, reduce airspeed to best glide!!   Do you have the Newark airfield in sight?"

Cessna: "Uh, um...tower, I'm parked on the south ramp.  I just wanted to know where the fuel truck is."

October 4, 2005 - Verbalized Prayers
The pastor of a mid-sized church decided one Monday morning that the staff would verbalize their prayers at the weekly staff meeting. He led off: "Lord, my daughter is about to go away to college, I only make $55,000 a year, and it's not enough."

He turned to the associate pastor, and She said, "Lord, I have two children in preschool, a new mortgage, I only make $39,000 a year, and it's not enough."

The minister of education continues with his chant, "Lord, you know I need a new car, my wife is not well, I only make $28,000 a year, and it's not enough."

The youth minister has her turn next: "Lord, I've just finished seminary, I have huge student loans, I only make $20,000 a year and it's not enough."

At last it's time for the minister of music. His prayer went like this: "Lord, my son is graduating from Harvard, we bought a new boat, I make $100,000 a year and ... 'there's no business like show business!'"

October 3, 2005 - Foot Pill
A man limped into a hospital to have his foot X-rayed, and was asked to wait for the results.  Some time later an orderly appeared and handed the man a large pill.

Just then a mother with a small child in need of immediate attention entered.  After the orderly disappeared with the new patient, the man hobbled over to get a glass of water, swallowed the pill, and sat down to wait.  Some time later the orderly reappeared carrying a bucket of water.

"Okay," he said, "Let's drop the pill in this bucket and soak your foot for a while."

September 2005

September 30, 2005 - Time for Church and No ExcusesOne Sunday morning, a mother went in to wake her son and tell him it was time to get ready for church, to which he replied, "I'm not going."  "Why not?" she asked.  "Ill give you two good reasons," he said.  "One, they don't like me, and two, I don't like them."  His mother replied, "I'll give YOU two good reasons why you SHOULD go to church.  One, you're 54 years old, and two, you're the pastor!"

September 29, 2005 - Lion Attack
Two wildlife documentary filmmakers were filming a wild lion in Africa when they both noticed that the lion was about to attack them.

One of the men put down his camera and slowly began changing from his boots into a pair of running shoes.  The other man saw this and said, "You know you can't outrun a lion don't you?"

The other man reply's "The way I see it, all I have to do is keep ahead of you and I'll be all right!"

September 28, 2005 - Two Different Points of View
The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep. Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, "Kemo Sabe, look towards sky. What you see?"

The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."

"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, "Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?"

Tonto is silent for a moment, then says, "Kemo Sabe, you dumber than a buffalo. Somebody stole tent!"

September 27, 2005 - Stain Glass
An area pastor tells of his first Sunday in the new parish and presenting the message.  Seems the sanctuary in the new church had some magnificent stained glass windows, so his message centered on how each of us is called of God to help make up the whole picture of the body of Christ.

The pastor started off his sermon saying, “Like the pictures in the windows, it takes many little panels of glass to make the whole picture.”

And then he said, "You see each one of you is a little pane." And then pointing to each child, "You're a little pane. And you're a little pane. And you're a little pane. And..."

It took a few moments before he realized why everyone was laughing so hard.

September 26, 2005 - Letter Pride
One woman was bragging to her next-door neighbor about her son, a college student. "Why, our son is so brilliant, every time we get a letter from him we have to go to the dictionary."

"You're lucky," the neighbor said. "Every time we get a letter from ours, we have to go to the bank!"

September 23, 2005 - The Color of Happiness
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"

"Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life."

The child thought about this for a moment, then said "So why is the groom wearing black?"

September 22, 2005 - Proud of Our Kids
Checking out of the grocery store, I noticed that the bag boy was eyeing my two adopted children curiously. They often draw scrutiny, since my son's a blond Russian, while my daughter has shiny black Haitian skin.

The boy continued staring as he carried our groceries to the car. Finally, he asked, "Are those your kids?"

"Yes, they are!" I answered proudly.

"They adopted?" he asked.

"Yes," I replied.

"I thought so," he concluded. "I figured you're too old to have kids that small."

September 21, 2005 - Grocery Pickup
Soon after my 16-year-old sister started working after school as a grocery-store cashier, I went to see how she was doing.

I tried to make myself inconspicuous as I waited to check out my purchases. Ahead of me was a young man who was flirting with my sister. Both embarrassed and amused by his advances, she continued to ring up his groceries. Finally the persistent fellow ventured, "Would you like to go out to dinner with me tonight?"

Oblivious to his questions and adhering to her employee training, she asked him, "How will you be paying?"

September 20, 2005 - My Strict Home
I grew up in the most strict home. My mother would say. "That's the last time I'm gonna tell you to take out the garbage."

Sounded good to me.

September 19, 2005 - Fill 'er Up
Fill 'er Up

September 16, 2005 - Latest Brinks Truck Robbery
Police Artist Sketch of the Robbery Suspect

September 15, 2005 - Loan Approval
Loan Approval Comic

September 14, 2005 - Latest Brinks Truck Robbery

September 13, 2005 - Arm and a Leg

September 12, 2005 - Big Night Out
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her out to some place expensive.......

So I took her to a gas station!!!!!!!

September 9, 2005 - The Hokey Pokey
“The Hokey Pokey”
Original Lyrics

You put your left foot in,
You put your left foot out;
You put your left foot in,
And you shake it all about.
You do the Hokey Pokey,
And you turn yourself around.
That's what it's all about!

“The Hokey Pokey”
Shakespearean Style

O proud left foot, that ventures quick within
Then soon upon a backward journey lithe.
Anon, once more the gesture, then begin:
Command sinistral pedestal to writhe.
Commence thou then the fervid Hokey Poke.
A mad gyration, hips in wanton swirl.
To spin! A wilde release from heaven's yoke.
Blessed dervish! Surely canst go, girl.
The Hoke, the poke -- banish now thy doubt
Verily, I say, 'tis what it's all about.

September 8, 2005 - Perfectly Made Bed
When we put our house up for sale, I stressed emphatically that my sons make their beds each morning.  I left for work before they left for school, and I wanted to be sure that the house looked presentable when the agent showed it to prospective buyers.

I was surprised and impressed that my 15-year-old son's bed was perfectly made each day.  One night when I went into his room, I discovered his secret.

He was fast asleep on the floor in his sleeping bag.

September 7, 2005 - A Virtual Skiing Experience
Miss the experience of skiing?  Try the following to get that feeling back.

10. Visit your local butcher and pay $10 to sit in his walk-in freezer for half an hour. Afterwards, burn two $50 dollar bills to warm up.

9. Go to the nearest hockey rink and walk across the ice 20 times in your ski boots carrying two pairs of skis, accessory bag and poles. Pretend you are looking for your car.

8. For ski boot simulation at home, put a pebble in your street shoes and tighten a C-clamp around your toes.

7. Buy a pair of gloves and immediately throw one away.

6. Go to McDonald's and insist on paying $6.50 for a hamburger. Be sure to wait in the longest line.

5. Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket and ride a motorcycle fast enough to make the ticket lacerate your face.

4. Drive slowly for five hours - anywhere - as long as it's in bad weather and you're following an 18-wheeler.

3. Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the spray blast your face. You'd almost believe you're skiing in front of a snowmaker!

2. Dress up in as many clothes as you can and then proceed to take them off because you have to go to the bathroom.

1. Repeat all of the above every Saturday.

September 6, 2005 - Cover Up Catch
This guy had an awful day fishing on the lake, sitting in the blazing sun all day without catching a single one. On his way home, he stopped at the supermarket and ordered four catfish.

He told the fish salesman, "Pick four large ones out and throw them at me, will you?"

"Why do you want me to throw them at you?"

"Because I want to tell my wife that I caught them."

"Okay, but I suggest that you take the orange roughy."

"But why?"

September 5, 2005 - "R" Troubles
A young schoolboy was having a hard time pronouncing the letter ''R,'' and all the other kids were, of course, teasing him about it.

To help him out, the teacher gave him a sentence to practice at home: ''Robert gave Richard a rap in the ribs for roasting the rabbit so rare.'' In class a few days later, the teacher asked the boy to recite the sentence out loud.

The boy nervously eyed his classmates--many of them already laughing at him--then replied, ''Bob gave Dick a poke in the side because the bunny wasn't cooked enough.''

September 2, 2005 - Rental Description
On duty as a customer-service rep for a car-rental company, I took a call from a driver who needed a tow. He was stranded on a busy highway, but he didn't know the make of the car he was driving.

I asked again for a more detailed description beyond "a blue four-door."

After a pause, the driver replied, "It's the one on fire."

September 1, 2005 - My Dog Ate It
A minister delivered a sermon in ten minutes one Sunday morning that was about half the usual length of his sermons.

He explained, "I regret to inform you that my dog, who is very fond of eating paper, ate that portion of my sermon which I was unable to deliver this morning."

After the service, a visitor from another church shook hands with the preacher as he was leaving, and said, "Sir, if that dog of yours has any pups, I sure would like to get one to give to my minister!"

August 2005

August 31, 2005 - Wooden Bayonet
A Civil War soldier, who had lost his bayonet, whittled one from wood so that he could pass inspection. He hoped he would not be discovered until the regiment had gone into battle, where he planned to pick one up from a dead soldier.

At inspection, an officer asked to see his bayonet. The soldier stated, "Sir, I promised my father I would not unsheathe my bayonet unless I intended to kill someone with it."

The officer insisted that the soldier hand over the bayonet.

Taking it out, the soldier looked skyward and said, "May the Lord change my bayonet to wood for breaking my vow."  He then proceeded to hand it over to the officer.

August 30, 2005 - Tax Colors
A Dutchman was explaining the red, white and blue Netherlands flag to an American.

"Our flag is symbolic of our taxes.  We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bills, and blue after we pay them."

The American nodded.  "It's the same in the USA only we see stars too!"

August 29, 2005 - You Know It's Hot Outside When...
** you ask your boss for extra work so you can be in the air conditioning as much as possible
** you've been getting hot flashes, and you're a man
** the swans in the park come in "original recipe" and "extra crispy"
** the strawberries are ripe, and the cab drivers are even riper
** the hot-dogs sold outside Yankee Stadium are actually hot
** pigs complain about sweating like fat humans
** a scalding hot shower still cools you down
** people walking down the sidewalk spontaneously burst into flames
** a $20 surcharge is added to your bill when you eat at air-conditioned restaurants
** the politicians take their hands out of your pockets to fan themselves
** you need a spatula to remove your clothing
** you wish you had gotten the cloth seats instead of leather
** you are sweating in both directions -- up and down!
** your brother's braces make blisters on his lips

August 26, 2005 - Battle of the Will
Thinking his son would enjoy seeing the re-enactment of a Civil War battle, Bob took Will to the event. But the poor child was terrified by the booming cannons. During a lull, Will's dad finally got him calmed down.

That's when the Confederate general hollered, "Fire at will!"

August 25, 2005 - Offering Encouragement
A minister in a little church had been having trouble with the collections.

One Sunday he announced, "Now, before we pass the collection plate, I would like to request that the person who stole the chickens from Brother Martin's hen house please refrain from giving any money to the Lord.  The Lord doesn't want money from a THIEF!"

The collection plate was passed around, and for the first time in months everybody gave.

August 24, 2005 - Exercise
- I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.
- The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.
- If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
- Walking can add minutes to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5000 per month.
- My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. Now she's 97 years old and we don't know where on earth she is.
- I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there.
- And last but not least: I don't exercise because it makes the ice jump right out of my glass of cola.

August 23, 2005 - Haircut Request
When a customer slid into the barber chair, the barber asked him how he wanted his hair cut.

"Make it short," the customer replied, "with a bare patch above my left ear, but longer on the right side so that it covers my right ear. I also want my left sideburn above my left ear and the right sideburn below my right ear."

The barber looked puzzled and said, "I don't think I can do that."

The customer replied, "I don't know why not--that's the way you cut it the last time I was here!"

August 22, 2005 - Needed Support
One morning a local highway department crew reaches their job-site and realizes they have forgotten all their shovels. The crew's foreman radios the office and tells his supervisor the situation.

The supervisor radios back and says, "Don't worry, we'll send some shovels... just lean on each other until they arrive."

August 19, 2005 - A Point Well Made
Defendant: Your Honor, I want you to appoint me another lawyer.
Judge: And why is that?
Defendant: Because the Public Defender isn't interested in my case.
Judge (to Public Defender): Do you have any comments on the defendant's motion?
Public Defender: I'm sorry, Your Honor. I wasn't listening.

August 18, 2005 - Withheld Pay
After being laid off from five different jobs in four months, my Uncle Joe was hired by a warehouse. One day he lost control of a forklift and drove it off the loading dock.

Surveying the damage, the owner shook his head and said he'd have to withhold 10 percent of Uncle Joe's wages to pay for the repairs.

"How much will it cost?" asked my uncle.

"About $4,500," said the owner.

"What a relief!" exclaimed Uncle Joe. "I've finally got job security!"

August 17, 2005 - Career Change

When Ruthie's grandson Jordan was 5, he always told everyone he wanted to be a doctor when he grew up. One day he was running through the house and into the corner of a chair and hurt his eye. He cried for a while and kept saying, "Oh no, oh no, now I can't be a doctor when I grow up."

Ruth assured him he could still be a doctor and Jordan kept telling her he couldn't. Finally she asked, "Why can't you be a doctor?"

Holding one hand over his eye, Jordan said, "Because now I will have to be a pirate!"

August 16, 2005 - Words Per Day
Bob was reading an article out loud to his wife. "Did you know that women use about 30,000 words a day, whereas men only use 15,000 words?"

Sadie replies, "The reason is because a woman has to say everything twice."

Bob turns to Sadie and asks, "What?"

August 15, 2005 - Driving is Going to the Dogs

As I drove into a parking lot, I noticed that a pickup truck with a dog sitting behind the wheel was rolling toward a pedestrian.  The person standing there seemed oblivious to the oncoming vehicle, so I hit my horn to get their attention.  The person looked up just in time to jump out of the way of the truck's path, and the vehicle bumped harmlessly into the curb and stopped.

I rushed to the person's side to see if they were all right.  "I'm fine," they assured me, "but I hate to think what could have happened to me if that dog hadn't honked."

August 12, 2005 - Heart-felt Allegiance
Jimmy was at his first day of school. The teacher advised the class to start the day with the Pledge of Allegiance, and instructed them to put their right hands over their hearts and repeat after him. He looked around the room as he started the recitation, "I pledge allegiance to the flag..."

When the teacher's eyes fell on Jimmy, he noticed his hand over the right cheek of his behind.

"James, I will not continue till you put your hand over your heart."

Jimmy replied, "It is over my heart."

After several attempts to get Jimmy to put his hand over his heart, the teacher asked, "Why do you think that is your heart?"

"Because, every time my Grandma comes to visit, she picks me up, pats me here, and says, 'Bless your little heart,' and my Grandma wouldn't lie."

August 11, 2005 - Great Cheese
The customer in the Italian restaurant was so pleased with his meal that he asked to speak to the chef. The owner proudly led him into the kitchen and introduced him to the chef.

"Your veal parmigiana was superb," the customer said. "I just spent a month in Italy, and yours is better than any I ever had over there."

"Naturally," the chef said. "Over there, they use domestic cheese. Ours is imported!"

August 10, 2005 - The Brilliant Engineers? 
The brilliant engineer and his brilliant assistant were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up. A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.

"We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole," said the brilliant assistant, "but we don't have a ladder."

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement, announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away.

The brilliant engineer shook his head and laughed. Isn’t that just like a dumb blonde! We ask for the height, and she gives us the length!

August 9, 2005 - Movie Night
My wife was complaining that I spend too much time on the computer and not enough time with her. I decided to fix that by having a "movie night" with her.

We watched Hackers, The Net, Anti-Trust and The Matrix.

She's still mad at me.  What did I do?

August 8, 2005 - Time Management
The church wanted to help their congregation cope better with the stresses of modern life, and decided to offer a course in Time Management.

Soon after the course was announced, a member telephoned the Pastor.

"What time does the course start, Pastor?"

The Pastor replied, "Oh... sixish, sevenish...."

August 5, 2005 - You're No Longer A Kid When...
- Driving a car doesn't always sound like fun.

- You have friends who have kids.

- You are taller than the slide at the McDonald's playland.

- Your parents' jokes are now funny.

- Naps are good.

- When things go wrong, you can't just yell, "Do-over!"

- You WANT clothes for Christmas.

- You look in the surveillance camera monitor at the convenience store, wonder who that guy is standing at the counter with the bald spot, and then realize it is a shot of you from behind.

August 4, 2005 - Better Trainer

A fellow computer programmer for a consulting group had designed some software for one of our largest accounts. He asked my help in putting it into operation.

At first, he handled most of the work. Eventually, though, he asked me to help with the last phase of the training. When I sat down with one woman and told her I would be showing her how to make changes to the files, she sighed with relief. "I'm so glad you're teaching me instead of him."

Surprised, I said that my colleague was far more experienced than I was.

"Yes," she said, "but I feel much more comfortable with you.  I get nervous around really smart people."

August 3, 2005 - Most Famous Man

A trio of old veterans were bragging about the heroic exploits of their ancestors one afternoon down at the VFW hall.

"My great grandfather, at age 13," one declared proudly, "was a drummer boy at Shiloh."

"Mine," boasts another, "went down with Custer at the Battle of Little Big Horn."

"I'm the only soldier in my family," confessed vet number three, "but if my great grandfather was living today he'd be the most famous man in the world."

"Really? What'd he do?" his friends wanted to know.

"Nothing much. But he would be 165 years old."

August 2, 2005 - Grandma Thanks
A grandmother was headed out the door to go to church one Sunday when she got a call from her daughter. “Would Grandma like to have her three little grandchildren visit while her daughter and son-in-law took a five-day holiday trip?” Grandma was so delighted she put five dollars in the collection basket at church and thanked the Lord.

The Sunday after the grandchildren had returned home, she put twenty dollars in the collection.

August 1, 2005 - Zucchini Sign
After harvesting the usual bumper crop of squash last year, I took a half-dozen to the office.  I piled them on the table in the break room and posted a sign advertising them as free.

The next day I noticed an addition to my sign.  Below "Free Zucchini," someone had written, "Save the Whales."

July 2005

July 29, 2005 - Ignored Phone
The boss was very exasperated with his new secretary. She ignored the telephone when it rang.

"You must answer the telephone," he told her irritably.

"All right," she replied, "but it seems so silly. Nine times out of ten, it's for you!"

July 28, 2005 - Kids Off Track?
Kids statements that are a little... off track:

* God bless America thru the night with a light from a bulb!

* Oh Susanna, Oh don't you cry for me, For I come from Alabama with a band-aid on my knee!

* Give us this day our deli bread! Glory be to the Father and to the Son and to the Whole East Coast.

* We shall come to Joyce's, bringing in the cheese.

* Gladly, the consecrated, cross-eyed bear.

* He carrots for you.

* Yield Not to Penn Station.

* Dust Around the Throne.

* Praise God From whom all blessings flow, Praise Him all creatures, HERE WE GO

* Olive, the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names.

* While shepherds washed their socks by night

* He socked me and boxed me with His redeeming glove.

July 27, 2005 - Every Word
A professor asked a student to remain for a few moments after class. Holding out the young man's assignment, the professor said, "Did you write this poem all by yourself?"

The student said, "Every word of it."

The professor said, "Well, then, I'm glad to meet you, Mr. Poe.  I thought you were long dead."

July 26, 2005 - Executive Approval?
For many years I worked as a receptionist and switchboard operator at a busy company. After a good annual review, my supervisor told me I was up for a raise, pending approval of the vice president.

A month later, my supervisor called me into his office and told me the VP had refused to approve the raise. His reason? I clearly wasn't doing my job.  Every time he saw me, I was either chatting with someone in the lobby or talking on the phone.

July 25, 2005 - Window Washer
There was a gentleman in the hospital bed next to me.  He was covered with bandages from head to toe.

I said to him, "What do you do for a living?"

He said, "Well, I used to be a window washer."

I asked, "When did you give it up?"

He replied, "Halfway down."

July 22, 2005 - Flood Prediction
Meteorological experts predicted a massive flood that would destroy the world.

Rev. Badword went on worldwide TV and said, "This is punishment from God.  Prepare to meet your maker."

The president went on TV and announced, "Our scientist have done all they can.  The end is near."

The mayor of Seattle came on and said, "Due to inclement weather, this year's Seafair Parade will be moved to the top of Queen Anne Hill."

July 21, 2005 - Unexpected Prayers
A wife and husband invited some people to dinner. At the table, the mom turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?" "I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied. "Just say what you hear Mommy say," the mom answered. The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"

July 20, 2005 - The Unwanted Seagull?
A father was at the beach with his children when the four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore where a seagull lay dead in the sand. "Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked. "He died and went to Heaven," the Dad replied. The boy thought a moment and then said, "Did God throw him back down?"

July 19, 2005 - Why We are Quiet in Church, Part 2
Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother Joel were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had had enough. "You're not supposed to talk out loud in church." "Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked. Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two men standing by the door? They're hushers."

Monday, July 18, 2005 - Why We are Quiet in Church, Part 1
A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."

July 15, 2005 - Becoming Like Jesus
A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5 and Ryan 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'" Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus!"

July 14, 2005 - Forgive Us, O Lord
One particular four-year-old prayed, "And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."

July 13, 2005 - Deliver Us, O Lord
I had been teaching my three-year-old daughter, Caitlin, the Lord's Prayer for several evenings at bedtime - she would repeat after me the lines from the prayer. Finally, she decided to go solo. I listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word right up to the end of the prayer: "Lead us not into temptation," she prayed, "but deliver us some E-mail.”

July 12, 2005 - The Christian Family
After the christening of his baby brother in church, Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, "That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I wanted to stay with you guys."


July 11, 2005 - Perhaps More Accurate then You Might First Think
A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was. Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted, "Thou shall not take the covers off the neighbor's wife."

July 8, 2005 - The Innocent Prayer of a Child (and perhaps some adults)
A little boy was overheard praying: "Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am."

July 7, 2005 - A Prayer from 3-year-old, Reese
"Our Father, Who does art in heaven, Harold is His name. Amen."

July 6, 2005 - The Name of God from a Child’s Point of View
A Sunday school teacher asked her class, "What was Jesus' mother's name?" One child answered, "Mary." The teacher then asked, "Who knows what Jesus' father's name was?" A little kid said, "Verge." Confused, the teacher asked, "Where did you get that?" The kid said, "Well, you know they are always talking about Verge n' Mary."

July 5, 2005 - The Road Trip
While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant and resumed their trip.  When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table and, she didn't miss them until after they had been driving about twenty minutes.  By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses. All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man. He fussed and complained and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive.  The more he chided her the more agitated he became. He just wouldn't let up one minute. To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant. And, as the woman got out of the car and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her........  "While you're in there, you might as well get my hat, and credit card.

July 4, 2005 - Misspelled Words?
Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at an Elingsh uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht frist and lsat ltteer is at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a toatl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae we do not raed ervey lteter by itslef but the wrod as a wlohe.

July 1, 2005 - Goat for Dinner
A young couple invited their elderly pastor for Sunday dinner.  While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what they were having. "Goat," the little boy replied. "Goat?" replied the startled man of the cloth, "Are you sure about that?" "Yep," said the youngster. "I heard Dad say to Mom, 'Today is just as good as any to have the old goat for dinner.'"

June 2005

June 30, 2005 - The Twenty and the One
A well-worn one-dollar bill and a similarly distressed twenty-dollar bill arrived at a Federal Reserve Bank to be retired.  As they moved along the conveyor belt to be burned, they struck up a conversation. The twenty-dollar bill reminisced about its travels all over the country.  "I've had a pretty good life," the twenty proclaimed.  "Why I've been to Las Vegas and Atlantic City, the finest restaurants in New York, performances on Broadway, and even a cruise to the Caribbean." "Wow!" said the one-dollar bill.  "You've really had an exciting life!" "So tell me," says the twenty," "where have you been throughout your lifetime?" The one dollar bill replies, "Oh, I've been to the Methodist Church, the Baptist Church, the Lutheran Church..." The twenty dollar bill interrupts, "What's a church?"

June 29, 2005 - Great Truths About Growing Old
1) Growing up is mandatory; growing old is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

June 28, 2005 - Great Truths that Adults Have Learned
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.

June 27, 2005 - Great Truths that Little Children have Learned
1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.

June 24, 2005 - Actual Newspaper Ads - Part 5
'93 PONTIAC LEMONS - Low Miles
NICE PARACHUTE: never opened - used once
OPEN HOUSE: Body Shapers Toning Salon - free coffee and donuts
SHAKESPEARE'S PIZZA: free chopsticks
OUR SOFA SEATS THE WHOLE MOB: and it's made of 100% Italian leather
GROUND BEAST: 99 cents lb.

June 23, 2005 - Actual Newspaper Ads - Part 4
TICKLE ME ELMO: Still in box, comes with its own 1988 Mustang, auto trans., excellent condition - $6,800
DO SOMETHING SPECIAL for your Valentine - have your septic tank pumped
FREE: 1 can of Pork and Beans with purchase of 3 BR 2 bath home.
BILL'S SEPTIC CLEANING: "We hault American made products"
HUMMELS: Largest selection ever - "If it's in stock, we have it."
CUTE KITTEN FOR SALE: 2 cents or best offer

June 22, 2005 - Actual Newspaper Ads - Part 3
FOR RENT: 6 room hated apartment
WANTED: Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink
AND NOW, the superstore unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.
WE WILL OIL your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1
AMANA WASHER: $100. Owned by clean bachelor who seldom washed.
SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE: Only used on snowy days.
2 WIRE MESH BUTCHERING GLOVES, one 5-finger, one 3-finger, PAIR: $15

June 21, 2005 - Actual Newspaper Ads - Part 2
ILLITERATE? Write today for free help.
AUTO REPAIR SERVICE: Free pick up and delivery. Try us once, you will never go anywhere again.
DOG FOR SALE: Eats anything and is fond of children
STOCK UP AND SAVE: Limit: one per customer.
DINNER SPECIAL: Turkey $3.25; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00
NOW IS YOUR CHANCE to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.
GREAT DAMES for sale.

June 20, 2005 - Actual Newspaper Ads - Part 1
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER: 8 years old. Hateful little dog. Bites
FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog
FREE PUPPIES: Part German Shepherd, part stupid dog
FREE GERMAN SHEPHERD: 85 lbs. Neutered. Speaks German.
FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG: Looks like a rat, been out a while, better be a reward.
NORDIC TRACK: $300 Hardly used -- call Chubby
GEORGIA PEACHES: California grown - 89 cents lb.

June 17, 2005 - Two Guys and a Big Deep Hole
Two guys are walking through the woods and come across this big deep hole.

"Wow...that looks deep."

"Sure does... toss a few pebbles in there and see how deep it is."

They pick up a few pebbles and throw them in and wait... no noise.

"Wow! That is REALLY deep... here.. throw a couple of these great big rocks down there. Those should make a noise."

They pick up a couple football-sized rocks and toss them into the hole and wait... and wait. Nothing.

They look at each other in amazement. One gets a determined look on his face and says, "Hey...over here in the weeds, there's a railroad tie. Help me carry it over here. When we toss THAT in, it's GOTTA make some noise."

The two drag the heavy tie over to the hole and heave it in.  Not a sound comes from the hole.

Suddenly, out of the nearby woods, a goat appears, running like the wind. It rushes toward the two men, then right past them, running as fast as it's legs will carry it. Suddenly it leaps in the air and into the hole.

The two men are astonished with what they've just seen.

Then, out of the woods comes a farmer who spots the men and ambles over. "Hey... you two guys seen my goat out here?" "You bet we did! Craziest thing I ever seen. It came running like crazy and just jumped into this hole!"

"Nah", says the farmer, "That couldn't have been MY goat. My goat was chained to a railroad tie."

June 16, 2005 - Good Housekeeping Tip # 132
Always keep several get-well cards on the mantle so if unexpected guests arrive, you can say you've been sick and unable to clean.

June 15, 2005 - Natchitoches
Two rednecks were driving through Louisiana. As they were approaching  the town of Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of  the name. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one redneck asked the manager, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are... very slowly?"

The manager leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrrrr-gerrrrrrr-Kiiiiing."

Tuesday, June 14, 2005 - The Atheist and the Loch Ness Moster
An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat high into the air. Then it opened its mouth to swallow both. As the man sailed head over heels, he cried out, "Oh, my God! Help me!"

At once, the ferocious attack scene froze in place, and as the atheist hung in mid-air, a booming voice came down from the clouds. "I thought you didn't believe in Me!" "Come on God, give me a break!," the man pleaded. "Two minutes ago I didn't believe in the Loch Ness monster either!"

June 13, 2005 - One Liners
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
A stick

How do spoiled rich kids change a light bulb?
They say, "Daddy, I want a new apartment."

What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones

What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
Nacho Cheese

What do you call four bull fighters in quicksand?
Quattro sinko

What do you get when you cross an elephant and a skin doctor?
A pachydermatologist

What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you?
A pool table

Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
Because they have big fingers.

June 10, 2005 - The Four Stages of Life
1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.

June 9, 2005 - The Philistine and they Eye Doctor
A Philistine went to an eye doctor to have his eyes checked for glasses. The doctor directed him to read various letters with the left eye while covering the right eye. The Philistine was so mixed up on which eye was which that the eye doctor, in disgust, took a paper lunch bag with a hole to see through, covered up the appropriate eye and asked him to read the letters. As he did so, he noticed the Philistine had tears streaming down his face.

"Look," said the doctor, "there's no need to get emotional about getting glasses."

"I know," agreed the Philistine, "But I kind of had my heart set on wire frames."

June 8, 2005 - Bible Trivia - Believe it or Not
Q.  What kind of man was Boaz before he married?
A.  Ruthless.

Q.  What do they call pastors in Germany?
A.  German Shepherds.

Q.  Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
A.  Noah.  He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.

Q.  Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
A.  Pharaoh's daughter.  She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet.

Q.  What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
A.  Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury.  David's Triumph was heard throughout the land.  Also, probably a Honda, because the apostles were all in one Accord.

Q.  Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
A.  Samson.  He brought the house down.

Q.  What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden?
A.  Your mother ate us out of house and home.

Q.  Which servant of God was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?
A.  Moses.  He broke all 10 commandments at once.

Q.  Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?
A.  The area around Jordan.  The banks were always overflowing.

Q.  Who is the greatest baby sitter mentioned in the Bible?
A.  David.  He rocked Goliath to a very deep sleep.

Q.  Which Bible character had no parents?
A.  Joshua, son of Nun.

June 7, 2005 - You Know It's Your Last Day At Work When
You hand a bank teller an envelope, and when she asks, "What's this?" you realize you just dropped the company's deposit in a mailbox.

While your boss is at lunch, you sneak in and look at some confidential information on his computer. You spill coffee on the keyboard. It shorts out.

You return from a week's vacation to find that you had scheduled *this* week as vacation, not last week. (Just means you get to take two weeks vacation, right?)

You take a "sick" day. The next morning the boss asks you, "So, how was the fishing on Rock Creek yesterday?"

June 6, 2005 - The Philistine and the Thermos
A Philistine was shopping and came across a silver thermos. He was quite fascinated by it, so he picked it up and brought it over to the clerk to ask what it was. The clerk said, "Why, that's a keeps things hot and some things cold."

"Wow, said the Philistine, "that's amazing...I'm going to buy it!" So he bought the thermos and took it to work the next day. His boss saw it on his desk.

"What's that?” he asked.

"Why, that's a keeps hot things hot and cold things cold," he replied.

His boss inquired, “What do you have in it?”

The Philistine replied, “Two popsicles, and some coffee.”

June 3, 2005 - Reasons not to Wash
If you took the same excuses that people use for not going to church and apply them to other important areas of life you'd realize how inconsistent we can be in our logic.  For example: Reasons Not To Wash

1. I was forced to as a child.
2. People who make soap are only after your money.
3. I wash on special occasions like Christmas and Easter.
4. People who wash are hypocrites - they think they are cleaner than everyone else.
5. There are so many different kinds of soap, I can't decide which one is best.
6. I used to wash, but it got boring so I stopped.
7. None of my friends wash.
8. The bathroom is never warm enough in the winter or cool enough in the summer.
9. I'll start washing when I get older and dirtier.
10. I can't spare the time.

June 2, 2005 - Top 12 Things NOT to say to a cop who has pulled you over
1.   I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
2.  Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
3.  Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4.  Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me.  Good job!
5.  Are you Andy or Barney?
6.  I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
7.  You're not gonna check the trunk are you?
8.  I pay your salary!
9.  Gee, Officer! That's terrific.  The last officer only gave me a warning too!
10. Do you know why you pulled me over?  Okay, just so one of us does.
11. I was trying to keep up with traffic.  Yes, I know there are no other cars around.  That's how far ahead of me they are.
12. When the Officer says "Gee Son...Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?” You probably shouldn't respond with, "Gee Officer your eyes looked glazed, have you been eating donuts?

Wednesday, June 1, 2005 - If Biblical Headlines were written by Today's Liberal Media
On Red Sea crossing:
Pursuing Environmentalists Killed
On David vs. Goliath:
Psychologist Questions Influence of Rock
On Elijah on Mt. Carmel:
400 Killed
On the birth of Christ:
Animal Rights Activists Enraged by Insensitive Couple
On feeding the 5,000:
Disciples Mystified Over Behavior
On healing the 10 lepers:
"Faith Healer" Causes Bankruptcy
On healing of the Gadarene demoniac:
Local Farmer's Investment Lost
On raising Lazarus from the dead:
Will Reading to be Delayed

April 2005

April 29, 2005 - Moth or Man
A man walked into the doctor’s office.  The doctor asks him, “How can I help you today?”  The man answers, “Well doc, I have a problem.  You see...I think I’m a moth.”  The doctor replied, “I’m not sure I can help you sir.  I’m only a general practitioner.  Have you thought about seeing a psychiatrist?”  The man answers, “Actually, I on my way there, but I was walking by and saw your light on.”

April 28, 2005 - Complaining Husband - a poetic note
He didn't like the casserole
And he didn't like my cake.
My biscuits were too hard...
Not like his mother used to make.

I didn't perk the coffee right
He didn't like the stew,
I didn't mend his socks
The way his mother used to do.

I pondered for an answer
As I was looking for a clue.
Then I turned around and smacked him...
Like his Mother used to do.

April 27, 2005 - Information and Doctors
A sweet grandmother telephoned the local Hospital. She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"

The operator said, "I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number?"

The grandmother in her weak tremulous voice said, "Holly Finkel in room 302."

The operator replied, "Let me check. Oh, good news. Her records say that Holly is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged on Tuesday."

The Grandmother said, "Thank you. Oooooh That's wonderful! I was so worried! God bless you for the good news."

The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Holly your daughter?"

"No, I'm Holly Finkel in room 302.....and that Dr. Cohen doesn't tell me anything!"

April 26, 2005 - Computer Replacement

Important Memo from Headquarters - Computer Replacement
Corporate has determined that there is no longer any need for network or software applications support.

The goal is to remove all computers from the office by the end of the month. Instead, everyone will be provided with an Etch-A-Sketch. Here are the main advantages:

1. Simpler controls
2. No technical glitches (i.e. crashes)
3. Better time management due to upgraded Technical Support (see below)

Frequently Asked Questions
Etch-A-Sketch Technical Support:

Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little lines all over the screen.
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: What's the shortcut for Undo?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I create a New Document window?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I set the background and foreground to the same color?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: What is the proper procedure for re-booting my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch document?
A: Don't shake it.

April 25, 2005 - The Philistine and the Tailpipe
A Philistine was driving home after a game and got caught in a really bad hailstorm.  His car was covered with dents, so the next day he took it to a repair shop. The shop owner saw that he was a Philistine, so he decided to have some fun. He told him just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out.

So, the Philistine went home, got down on his hands and knees and started blowing into the tailpipe.  Nothing happened.  So he blew a little harder, and still nothing happened.

His roommate, another Philistine, came home and said, "What are you doing?"

The first Philistine told him how the repairman had instructed him to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out. The roommate rolled his eyes and said, "Hellooo!  You need to roll up the windows first."

April 22, 2005 - A Few of Life’s Unanswered Questions - Part 1
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darken our skin?
Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
Why is a boxing ring square?
Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?
Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why is it that rain drops but snow falls?
Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor and dish washing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why is the word dictionary in the dictionary?
Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance that little indestructible black box is?
Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?

April 21, 2005 - The Resourceful Nun
A young nun who worked for a local home health care agency was out making her rounds when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it there was a gas station just one block away. She walked to the station to borrow a can with enough gas to start the car and drive to the station for a fill up. The attendant regretfully told her that the only gas can he owned had just been loaned out, but if she would care to wait he was sure it would be back shortly. Since the nun was on the way to see a patient she decided not to wait and walked back to her car.

After looking through her car for something to carry to the station to fill with gas, she spotted a bedpan she was taking to the patient.

Always resourceful, she carried it to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried it back to her car.

As she was pouring the gas into the tank of her car two men watched her from across the street. One of them turned to the other and said:

"I know that it is said that Jesus turned Water into Wine, but if that car starts, I'll become a Catholic for the rest of my life!"