January 2024

 January 31, 2024 - Beautiful Name Tag
Our favorite restaurant has a waitress whose name-tag reads "Beautiful."

"Is that really your name?" I asked her.

"No" she admitted. "But if people are going to holler at me all day, I can at least be called something I like."

January 30, 2024 - Self-Righteous Perceptions
A man sees another leaning against the wall of a large building. The second man is puffing away, one cigarette after another.

The nonsmoker says, "Sir, I couldn't help noticing how you chain-smoke. How many packs do you smoke a day?"

"Four."

"How long have you been smoking?"

"Thirty years."

"That's over six thousand packs. Why, if you didn't smoke, you could have saved enough money to buy this building."

The smoker takes a deep puff and says, "Do you smoke?"

"Never."

"Do you own this building?"

"No."

"Well, I do."

January 29, 2024 - Youngest in School
A friend of mine has three boys, the youngest of whom, Gregory, had just started school.

A teacher commented to Gregory that she couldn't believe he was already in first grade and asked what his mother did all day now that the three boys were in school.

"Cartwheels," Gregory answered.

January 28, 2024 - Public Decency
My friend's father is a locksmith in a resort town. Once he saw a group of beach goers park near his shop and dump trash from their car on his property.

As soon as they were out of sight, he picked the lock on their car door, put the garbage back inside and relocked their car.

January 25, 2024 - Laboratory Cells
My mother works in a laboratory and is responsible for keeping tissue cultures alive. So that she won't forget, she writes "feed cells" on her calendar. One day she noticed that someone had scribbled in "take cells for a walk."

By the end of the month, a number of anonymous reminders had been added: "Take cells to Disneyland," "Cells on vacation," "Cells back" and, on Yom Kippur, "Jewish cells get the day off."


January 24, 2024 - Rolex and Timex
A girl was visiting her friend who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The friend responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.

Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"

"Helloooooooooooooo," answered the girl. "They're watch dogs!"


January 23, 2024 - Loose Fitting Clothing
April teaches many aerobic classes. She told a lady who was looking to sign up for the class to just wear loose fitting clothing to the class.

"Honey," the lady replied, "if I had any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't be signing up for an exercise class."


January 22, 2024 - Family Devotions Review
In our family devotions, we did a study on King Asa, out of 2 Chronicles. Later in the day, we were reviewing what we had learned.

When asking my seven year-old what book in the Bible we find the story of King Asa, he responded, "Second Chronicles of Narnia!"


January 21, 2024 - Tub Baptism
A friend of mine took her four-year-old daughter to a baptismal service at her church. Later that night, her daughter took all of her dolls into the bathtub with her and held her own "baptism."

As she dunked each doll under the water, she repeated, "Now I baptize you in the name of the Father, the Son, and hold your nose."


January 18, 2024 - Solid to Gas
Some time ago, I was taking a ground school class for private pilots. During the sessions on weather, the instructor wanted to discuss the concept of sublimation - the act of going from a gas to a solid skipping the intermediate stage(s). e.g., frost - water vapor in the air becoming a solid on surfaces without first going through the liquid stage.

Wanting to see if the class had understood the concept, the instructor asked if anyone could provide an example of something that went straight from a solid to a gas (expecting "dry ice" as the answer).

A previously unknown section of my mind took control of my mouth and immediately emitted the word "burrito."

It took the instructor about 10 minutes to regain an academic composure.


January 17, 2024 - Bragging Rights
In his book, Sled Driver, SR-71 Blackbird pilot Brian Shul writes:

I'll always remember a certain radio exchange that occurred one day as Walt (my back-seater) and I were screaming across Southern California 13 miles high. We were monitoring various radio transmissions from other aircraft as we entered Los Angeles airspace. Though they didn't really control us, they did monitor our movement across their scope. I heard a Cessna ask for a readout of its ground speed.

"90 knots" Center replied. Moments later, a Twin Beech required the same.

"120 knots," Center answered. We weren't the only ones proud of our ground speed that day as almost instantly an F-18 smugly transmitted, "Ah, Center, Dusty 52 requests ground speed readout."

There was a slight pause, then the response, "525 knots on the ground, Dusty."

Another silent pause. As I was thinking to myself how ripe a situation this was, I heard a familiar click of a radio transmission coming from my back-seater. It was at that precise moment I realized Walt and I had become a real crew, for we were both thinking in unison.

"Center, Aspen 20, you got a ground speed readout for us?"

There was a longer than normal pause... "Aspen, I show 1,742 knots."

No further inquiries were heard on that frequency.

In another famous SR-71 story, Los Angeles Center reported receiving a request for clearance to FL 60 (60,000ft). The incredulous controller, with some disdain in his voice, asked, "How do you plan to get up to 60,000 feet?"

The pilot (obviously a sled driver), responded, "We don't plan to go up to it, we plan to go down to it." He was cleared.


January 16, 2024 - Coffee Choices
In our home we tend to get the children to help out. One day our youngest son came in to the living room and asked, "Does anyone want a cup of coffee?"

"Yes please!" we said.

He replied, "What kind of coffee do you want? Capitated or decapitated?"


January 15, 2024 - There They Go Again
As Christians, it is our responsibility to be a witness to our neighbors but, also, to let our witness show by our faithfulness in the family of God and the house of God every opportunity we can. As our neighbors watch us leave on Sunday morning, they will say "There they go again."

As our neighbors watch us leave Sunday evening, they will say, "There they go again."

As our neighbors watch us leave on Wednesday evening, they will say, "There they go again."

One day, when the trumpet of God sounds and God steps out onto the portals of Heaven to say, "Come up hither" our neighbors can look out their window saying, "There they go again."


January 14, 2024 - Watch Your Hat and Overcoat
The crowded cafeteria sported a large sign reading: "Watch Your Hat and Overcoat."

Meyer did. He kept turning every minute, almost choking over his food. His pal, Moshe, kept on eating, without thought of his own coat on the hook.

Finally Moshe said, "You dope... stop watching our overcoats."

"I'm only watching mine," replied Meyer. "Yours has been gone for over half an hour."


January 11, 2024 - Makeup Routine
Every morning, a little girl would go in the bathroom to watch Mommy as she was putting on her makeup to go to work.

But this certain morning when Mom turned to leave the bathroom, the little girl loudly said, "Mom, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper goodbye!"


January 10, 2024 - Don't Need Grace
Little Dewey and his family were having Sunday dinner at his grandmother's house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When Little Dewey received his plate, he started eating right away.

"Dewey! Please wait until we say our prayer," said his mother.

"I don't need to," the boy replied.

"Of course, you do." his mother insisted through gritted teeth. "We always say a prayer before eating at our house."

"That's at our house," Dewey explained. "But this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook."


January 9, 2024 -The Law of Parenthood
There is the Law of Gravity - and then, there is the Law of Parenthood

- A child's behavior will improve in proportion to the distance she is away from the parent.

- Two is equal to two, except when referring to time. Two minutes of tantrum lasts 20 times as long as two minutes of quiet time.

- The choice of a preschooler's best friend corresponds directly to the distance the friend lives from your house.

- A child's enjoyment of a popular entertainment will be inversely proportionate to the parent's enjoyment.

- The chance of a surprise visit by your parents-in-law is directly proportional to the size of the mess in your home.

- A child will always eat exactly what she has loved for the past year unless it is the only food in the fridge.

- The ease with which a toddler acquires the ability to say a word increases with its likelihood to embarrass a sailor.


January 8, 2024 - Patient Confession
Farmer Josh killed a pig and hung it up for the night, intending to butcher it in the morning, but the next day it was gone. He didn't tell a soul about it, and nothing happened for more than two months.

Then another farmer, who lived down the road, came by and said, "By the way Josh, did you ever find out who stole your pig?"

"Nope," said Josh. "Not until just now."


January 7, 2024 - Signs You Are an Elementary School Teacher
You are probably an elementary school teacher if:

~ You ask guests if they have remembered their scarves and mittens as they leave your home.

~ You move your dinner partner's glass away from the edge of the table.

~ You ask if anyone needs to go to the bathroom as you enter a theater with a group of friends.

~ You hand a tissue to anyone who sneezes.

~ You declare "no cuts" when a shopper squeezes ahead of you in a checkout line.

~ You ask "Are you sure you did your best?" to the mechanic who fails to repair your car to your satisfaction.

~ You sing the "Alphabet Song" to yourself as you look up a number in the phone book.

~ You say everything twice. I mean, you repeat everything.


January 4, 2024 - Sermon Overtime
The pastor was known for the clarity and brevity of his sermons. His talks were well organized and always ended promptly at 20 minutes.

One Sunday, he seemed to wander and drift around a bit and was still preaching to the congregation after 35 minutes. His wife managed a small signal, which fortunately he recognized as a sign he should come to a close.

When they got home after the service, the wife asked the pastor why he got so muddled and why he went on speaking so long.

He answered, "Well, I've gotten into the habit of tucking a lozenge in my mouth before I stand to speak. When the lozenge has dissolved, I know it is time to stop. This morning, unfortunately I picked up a collar button instead of a lozenge."


January 3, 2024 - Fine Request
A pickpocket was appearing in court for a series of petty crimes. "Mr. Brewster," the judge said, "you are hereby found guilty and fined the sum of $150."

After consulting with his client, Mr. Brewster's lawyer stood up and said, "Your Honor, my client is a little short at this time. He has only $125 in his pocket, but if you would allow him a few minutes in the crowd..."


January 2, 2024 - Accuracy Excuse
There was a knock at the door. It was a small boy, about seven years old. Something of his had found its way into my garage, he said, and he wanted it back.

Upon opening the garage door, I noticed two additions a baseball and a broken window sporting a baseball-sized hole.

"How do you suppose this ball got in here?" I asked the boy.

Taking one look at the ball, one look at the window, and one look at me, the boy exclaimed, "Wow! I must have thrown it right through that hole."

January 1, 2024 - Little Benjamin
Little Benjamin came running into the kitchen where is mother was working.

"Mom, can I please change my name right now?" he asked.

"But why would you want to do that?" replied his mom.

"Because Dad said he's going to spank me as sure as my name's Benjamin!"

September 2023

 

September 30, 2023 - First Day Answer
The child comes home from his first day at school. His Mother asks, "Well, what did you learn today?"

The kid replies, "Not enough. They want me to come back tomorrow."


September 29, 2023 - Solution for Sally
Eight-year-old Sally brought her report card home from school. Her marks were good ... mostly A's and a couple of B's. However, her teacher had written across the bottom:

"Sally is a smart little girl, but she has one fault. She talks too much in school. I have an idea I am going to try, which I think may break her of the habit."

Sally's dad signed her report card, putting a note on the back:

"Please let me know if your idea works on Sally because I would like to try it out on her mother."


September 26, 2023 - Shirt Note
The trendy dresser fancied himself quite a ladies' man, and was delighted to find a note pinned inside a new shirt. It contained a girl's name and address, and asked the recipient to send a photograph. How romantic, he thought to himself, very taken with the idea of this mystery woman so eager to meet him, and promptly mailed off a note and a photo.

Heart aflutter, he opened her response.

It read, "Thanks for writing. I was just curious to see what kind of guy would buy such a goofy shirt."


September 25, 2023 - Car Repair
Wayne, a friend of mine, owns an auto-repair business. One day a woman called to inquire when he could work on her car. "I'm not busy now," he replied. "bring it right in."

A short time later, the woman pulled into the service bay, stopping her small car perfectly over the wide, deep grease pit.

"Wow!" Remarked Wayne. "That's great driving. Your wheels only have a couple of inches to spare on each side of the pit."

She looked blankly at him and asked, "What pit?"


September 24, 2023 - Booty
A famous treasure hunter went out one day with all of his diving gear to search for a treasure box that was supposed to be on a sunken ship. He swam around for a while and looked where it was supposed to be, but didn't find anything.

When he was walking out of the water, really close to the shore, he tripped on something. He started to dig around it and it was the treasure chest he was looking for.

All this goes to prove that booty is only shin deep!


September 23, 2023 - Dear Dog
Dear Dog,

I am so sorry about you being sent to the dog pound for the broken lamp which you did not break; the fish you did not spill; and the carpet that you did not wet; or the wall that you did not dirty with red paint.

Things here at the house are calmer now, and just to show you that I have no hard feelings towards you, I am sending you a picture, so you will always remember me.

Best regards,

The Cat


September 22, 2023 - War
As the regiment moved out, the crowd cheered. One soldier asked another, "Who are all those cheering people?"

The veteran answered, "They're the ones who aren't going."


September 19, 2023 - Cinnamon Rolls
At breakfast one day, I eagerly waited for my husband to comment on my first attempt at homemade cinnamon rolls.

After several minutes with no reaction, I asked, "If I baked these commercially, how much do you think I could get for one of them?"

Without looking up from his paper my husband replied, "About 10 years


September 18, 2023 - Reading Glasses
I took my 5 year old grandson to the optometrist to pick up his new glasses. The glasses were prescribed "to help him read and be able to see the computer better".
When we got back home, he got on the computer to play a game. In a few minutes he called me and said there was something wrong with his glasses.

I asked him what was the problem and he said, "I still can't read."


September 17, 2023 - Fate
A young pupil asked, "Master, what is fate."

"Ah, my son, it is what has brought great nations together. It has made the world a smaller place in which to live. It has inspired men of worth to work endless hours. It will some day enable men to span the universe and light years of travel will soon become mere seconds in time."

"And that, my master, is fate?"

"Oh, fate! I thought you said freight."


September 16, 2023 - Rustic Dining
As a trail guide in a national park, Danny ate with the rest of the seasonal staff in a rustic dining hall, where the food left something to be desired. When they were finished with their meals, they scraped the remains into a garbage pail and stacked the plates for the dishwasher.

One worker, apparently not too happy after his first week on the job, was ahead of Danny in line. As he slopped an uneaten plate of food into the garbage, Danny heard him mutter, "Now stay there this time."


September 15, 2023 - Dog Growth
A distraught dog owner called his vet pleading for an immediate appointment. He explained that his dog had a large growth or swelling near the corner of its mouth. The vet told him to bring the animal right over.

When the man came in, the vet examined the dog as the man stood by, anxiously waiting. At last the vet turned to him and asked, "Do you have any children?"

"Oh, good grief, is it contagious?" the man gasped.

"No," the doctor answered. "It's bubble gum."


September 12, 2009 - Store Safety
While attending college, I worked evenings at a retail store. On slow nights my co-worker Susan would often sing along with the radio while we did paperwork or restocked merchandise.

One evening as the manager was leaving I expressed my concern to him about our safety, being two women working alone at night.

"Oh, you'll be fine," he said, waving of his hand. "If you see anybody who looks suspicious, just warn him that Susan knows karaoke."


September 11, 2023 - Golf Lessons
This fellow's wife was constantly nagging him to teach her to play golf. Finally, one morning he relented and off they go.

First hole: Par 3, 179 yards, very pretty. The husband steps up first and says, "Now watch me, and do the same thing." He hits a beautiful shot, lands on the green with about 30 feet to the cup.

The wife steps up, drills it, hooks it, and it ricochets off a tree, bounces off a rock and rolls up onto the green and drops into the cup.

The husband looks at this, and says, "OK, now you know how to play, let's go home."


September 10, 2023 - Anti-Gravity
I found a very interesting book about anti-gravity.

I just can't put it down!


September 9, 2023 - Fax Hint
As a professor at the Air Force Institute of Technology, I taught a series of popular courses on software engineering. The program was highly competitive and difficult to get into, but one student made our decision whether to accept him quite simple.

When asked to fax over his college transcript, the student told me, "Well, I would, but it's the only copy I have."


September 8, 2023 - Ask Jeeves
My 50-something friend Nancy and I decided to introduce her mother to the magic of the Internet. Our first move was to access the popular "Ask Jeeves" site, and we told her it could answer any question she had.

Nancy's mother was very skeptical until Nancy said, "It's true, Mom. Think of something to ask it."

As I sat with fingers poised over the keyboard, Nancy's mother thought a minute, then responded, "How is Aunt Helen feeling?"


September 5, 2023 - Trail Talk
One afternoon I was walking on a trail with my baby daughter, chatting to her about the scenery.

When a man and his dog approached, I leaned down to the carriage and said, "See the doggy?"

Suddenly I felt foolish talking to my baby as if she understood me.

However, just as the man passed, he reached down, patted his dog, and said, "See the baby?"


September 4, 2023 - Ship Movie
On many U.S. Navy ships the movie screen is suspended amid-ship so that it can be viewed from both sides. This procedure makes it available to larger crowds at popular movies, but usually the junior officers get a reverse image from 'the wrong side of the screen.'

One evening at dinnertime an enterprising young ensign passed the following word over the officers' IMC circuit: "The movie to be shown in the wardroom tonight for the senior officers is on the right side of the screen - The Right-Handed Gun, starring Paul Newman."

"For the junior officers on the wrong side of the screen - The Left-Handed Gun, starring Namwen Luap."


September 3, 2023 - Nervous Taxpayer
A nervous taxpayer was unhappily conversing with the IRS Tax auditor who had come to review his records. At one point the auditor exclaimed, "Mr. Carr, we feel it is a great privilege to be allowed to live and work in the USA. As a citizen you have an obligation to pay taxes, and we expect you to eagerly pay them with a smile."

"Wonderful," returned Mr. Carr, with a giant grin on his face from ear to ear, "I thought you were going to want me to pay with cash!"


September 2, 2023 - Reading Problem
A patient came to me to discuss her nine year old son who was having difficulty reading. The mother was worried that her son was, as she said, "lysdexic".
"Yes", I answered, "and it tends to run in families".

"No one else has it" she replied.


September 3, 2023 - Paint Bonus
The homeowner was delighted with the way the painter had done all the work on his house. "You did a great job." he said and handed the man a check. "Also, in order to thank you, here's an extra $80 to take the missus out to dinner and a movie."
Later that night, the doorbell rang and it was the painter. Thinking the man had forgotten something he asked, "What's the matter, did you forget something?"

"Nope." replied the painter. "I'm just here to take your missus out to dinner and a movie like you asked."