May 30, 2026 - Airliner Tantrum
As the crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a five-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him.
Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly man in a Marine uniform is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the white-haired, courtly, soft-spoken Marine leans down and, motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the boy's ear.
Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt. All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause.
As the Marine slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve. "Excuse me, sir," she asks quietly, "but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?"
The Marine smiles serenely and gently confides, "I showed him my pilot's wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained that they entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door on any flight I choose."
May 29, 2026 - Thrown Off Horse
I had a near death experience that has changed me forever.
The other day, I went horseback riding. Everything was going fine until the horse started bouncing out of control. I tried with all my might to hang on, but I was thrown off.
Just when things could not possibly get worse, my foot got caught up in the stirrup. When this happened, I fell head first to the ground. My head continued to bounce harder and harder, and the horse just wouldn't stop or slow down.
Just as I was giving up hope and losing consciousness, the Wal-Mart manager saved the day and unplugged the ride.
May 28, 2026 - Swallowing Jonah
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah'.
The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell?'
The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him'.
May 27, 2026 - Drawing God
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, 'I'm drawing God.'
The teacher paused and said, 'But no one knows what God looks like.'
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, 'They will in a minute.'
May 26, 2026 - Commandments
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to 'honour' thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, 'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?'
Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, 'Thou shall not kill.'
May 23, 2026 -Aunt Karen
The teacher gave her fifth-grade class an assignment: get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
Ashley said, "My father's a farmer, and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess."
"What's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.
"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"
"Very good," said the teacher.
Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, 'Don't count your chickens before they're hatched.'"
"That was a fine story, Sarah. Michael, do you have a story to share?"
"Yes, my daddy told me this story about my Aunt Karen. Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in the Gulf War and her plane was hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun, and a machete. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of a hundred enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. Then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."
"Good grief," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"
"Stay away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking!"
May 22, 2026 - Coffee Delivery
The young clerk's responsibilities included bringing the judge a hot cup of coffee at the start of every day. Each morning the judge was enraged that the coffee cup arrived two-thirds full.
The clerk explained that he had to rush to get the coffee delivered while it was still hot, which caused him to spill much of it along the way.
None of the judge's yelling and insults produced a full cup of coffee, until he finally threatened to cut the clerk's pay by one-third if he continued to produce one-third less than the judge wanted.
The next morning he was greeted with a cup of coffee that was full to the brim, and the next morning and the morning after that.
The judge couldn't resist gloating over his success and smugly complimented the clerk on his new technique.
"Oh, there's not much to it," admitted the clerk happily, "I take some coffee in my mouth right outside the coffee room, and spit it back in when I get outside your office."
May 21, 2026 - Cactus Watering
During a tour at the Arizona-Sonora Desert Museum, a New York City woman mentioned that she was raising a type of cactus in a pot on her apartment balcony.
Another tourist asked her how she kept from watering it too much, because the cactus would die if over watered.
"I subscribe to the Tucson newspaper," replied the New Yorker. "Every time I read that it rained in the desert, I give my plant some water."
May 20, 2026 - Indiana Rainstorm
After a hardy Indiana rainstorm filled all the potholes in the streets and alleys, a young mother watched her two little boys playing in the puddle through her kitchen window.
The older of the two, a five year old lad, grabbed his sibling by the back of his head and shoved his face into the water hole. As the boy recovered and stood laughing and dripping, the mother ran to the yard in a panic.
"Why on earth did you do that to your little brother?!" she said as she shook the older boy in anger.
"We were just playing 'church' mommy," he said.
"I was baptizing him in the name of the Father, the Son and in the hole-he-goes."
May 19, 2026 - Three-Sixty 727
The controller who was working a busy pattern told the 727 on downwind to make a three-sixty (to do a complete circle, usually to provide spacing between aircraft).
The pilot of the 727 complained, "Do you know It costs us two thousand dollars to make a three-sixty in this airplane?
Without missing a beat the controller replied, "Roger, give me four thousand dollars worth!"
May 16, 2026 - Minister's Dentures
This minister just had all of his remaining teeth pulled and new dentures were being made.
The first Sunday, he only preached 10 minutes.
The second Sunday, he preached only 20 minutes.
But, on the third Sunday, he preached 1 hour 25 minutes.
When asked about this by some of the congregation, he responded this way.....
The first Sunday, my gums were so sore it hurt to talk.
The second Sunday, my dentures were hurting a lot.
The third Sunday, I accidentally grabbed my wife's dentures...
AND I COULDN'T STOP TALKING!
May 15, 2026 - Flight Delay Announcement
A passenger on a Southwest flight says that he once faced a flight delay just before they boarded.
A flight attendant picked up the microphone and announced:
"We're sorry for the delay. The machine that normally rips the handles off your luggage is broken, so we're having to do it by hand. We should be finished and on our way shortly."
May 14, 2026 - Lost In Canada
An American and his wife were driving in Canada and got lost on the prairie. After what seemed like forever, they finally came to a city.
When they saw a gentleman on the sidewalk they pulled up to the curb and the lady wound down her window and asked: "Excuse me, sir. Where are we?"
The gentleman replied, "Saskatoon, Saskatchewan."
The woman rolled up the window, turned to her husband and said,
"We really are lost. They don't even speak English here!"
May 13, 2026 - Blogging Farmers
A lot of farmers have been starting online blogs and writing about their wheat.
They're cropping up everywhere
May 12, 2026 - Country Law
A big city Alberta lawyer went duck hunting in rural Saskatchewan.
He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."
The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in Canada and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Saskatchewan. We settle small disagreements like this with the "Saskatchewan Three-Kick Rule."
The lawyer asked, "What is the Saskatchewan Three-Kick Rule?"
The Farmer replied, "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man's nose off his face. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old coot! Now, it's my turn!"
The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck!"
May 9, 2026 - New Pope
A high school history teacher was discussing the funeral of the Pope with his class. One student asked how they chose the new Pope.
The teacher explained the process, finishing with, "So the Cardinals pick him."
A student in the back of class, asked, very seriously, "Why would they let a baseball team pick the next Pope?"
May 8, 2026 - Park Dollar
Rachel asked her mom for a dollar to give to a little old lady in the park. Kathy, impressed by her daughters's kindness, gave her the dollar.
"There you are Rachel," said Kathy. "But, tell me, isn't the little lady able to work any more?
"She sells candy" was Rachel's reply.
May 7, 2026 - Kill The Umpire
During a baseball game, a woman kept shouting threats at the umpire. No matter what happened on the field, she constantly yelled, "Kill the umpire!"
This went on for an hour.
"Lady," a nearby fan finally yelled out, "the umpire hasn't done anything wrong."
"Hey," she shouted back, "how would you know that? That's my husband, not yours!"
May 6, 2026 - How Do You Decide Whom to Marry?
You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should
like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
-- Alan, age 10
-No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God
decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
-- Kristen, age 10
2. WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
-- Camille, age 10
3. HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
-- Derrick, age 8
4. WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids.
-- Lori, age 8
5. WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
-Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other.
Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
-- Lynnette, age 8 (Isn't she a treasure)
-On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested
enough to go for a second date.
-- Martin, age 10
6. WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
-When they're rich.
-- Pam, age 7 (Love her )
-The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
- - Curt, age 7
-The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have
kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
- - Howard, age 8
7. IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
-- Anita, age 9 (Bless you, child)
8. HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
-- Kelvin, age 8
And the #1 Favorite is .......
9. HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck.
-- Ricky, age 10
May 5, 2026 - The Student Mind During Final Exams
Contents of The Student Mind During Final Exams
10% The prof. never covered this section!
10% Actual knowledge on the subject.
10% The Teaching Assistant is kinda cute!
10% I knew I should have read the book!
10% Soon this will all be behind me!
10% I hope the curve is really low!
10% PANIC ZONE!
10% Prayers for a flood, fire, tornado, hurricane, earthquake, etc...
10% Eeny, meeny, miny moe...
10% Summer break!
May 2, 2026 - Accepting Authority
A woman in a drafting unit was promoted to supervisor and some of the older male workers were having difficulty accepting her authority.
While she instructed one such subordinate, he interrupted with, "Young lady, I'm old enough to be your father."
"And," she replied, "I'm old enough to be your supervisor."
May 1, 2026 - Making Up For Lost Time
An airline pilot was scheduled to take a flight from New York to Los Angeles. The weather was too bad in New York to allow his usual on-time departure. The weather in New York finally cleared, and the pilot asked for his departure clearance. He was very dismayed to hear that he had another delay due to the increased traffic now leaving New York.
Sometime later he finally received his clearance and decided he would try to make up the time lost by asking for a direct route to Los Angeles. Halfway across the country, he was told to turn due south. Knowing that this turn would throw him further behind schedule, with some agitation he inquired to the controller about the reason for the turn off course.
The controller replied that the turn was for noise abatement.
The pilot was infuriated and said to the controller, "Look, buddy, I am already way behind schedule with all the delays you guys have given me today. I really don't see how I could be causing a noise problem for pedestrians when I am over six miles above the earth!"
The controller answered in a calm voice, "Apparently, Captain, you have never heard two 747s collide!"
May 2026
April 2026
April 30, 2026 - Mad Cow Conversation
Two cows are conversing in a field.
The first one says to the other, "Have you heard about this 'mad cow disease' that is going around?"
The second cow responds, "Yeah, but I'm not worried about it; I'm an airplane!"
April 29, 2026 - Tannery Taxes
A tax collector went to a tannery. "Why haven't you paid your taxes?" the collector asked the owner of the tannery.
"Business has been very bad," answered the tanner.
"Do you mind if I check around the place?" asked the tax man.
"Go ahead," invited the owner. "You'll see I have nothing to hide."
April 28, 2026 - Rolls-Royce Loaner
When I arrived at a friend's home for a party, my old rattletrap looked pretty shabby parked next to all the fancy new vehicles there.
I announced to the other guests that they'd have to excuse my transport, but my gardener had requested my Rolls-Royce for a special occasion and so we had traded cars for the day. Another partygoer said that he, too, had switched cars. He said he had loaned his Rolls to a friend who wanted to impress a new girlfriend.
Everyone laughed, and I felt rather pleased with my little joke, until a few days later when I drove past the same man.
He was driving a Rolls-Royce.
April 25, 2026 - Weight Loss
If you could watch my life backwards, you'd see a Jenny Craig success story.
April 24, 2026 - Cannibal Canoe
A Frenchman, an Englishman, and a New Yorker are captured by cannibals.
The chief cannibal comes to them and says, "The bad news is that now that we've caught you, we're going to kill you, put you in a pot, cook you, eat you, and then use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you get to choose how you die."
The Frenchman says, "I take zee sword."
The chief gives him a sword, he says, "Vive la France!" and runs himself through.
The Englishman says, "Right--a pistol for me, please."
The chief gives him a pistol, he points it at himself, says, "God save the queen!" and shoots.
The New Yorker says, "Gimme a fork."
The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere. There's blood gushing out all over; it's horrible!
The chief is appalled, and asks, "What in the world are you doing?"
The New Yorker says, "So much for your stupid canoe!"
April 23, 2026 - Nephew Caddy
My five-year-old nephew wanted to caddy for my brother's golf game.
"You have to count my strokes," my brother told him. "How much is six plus nine plus eight?"
"Five," answered the nephew.
"Okay," my brother said, "let's go."
April 22, 2026 - Toaster Settings
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp which no decent human being would eat?
April 21, 2026 - Fallen Load Ticket
Driving to work, a gentleman had to swerve to avoid a box that fell out of a truck in front of him. Seconds later, two policemen came by.
While one pulled the gentleman over, the second carefully stopped traffic and recovered the box so as to avoid any further mishaps. When they opened the box, they found it contained large upholstery tacks.
"I'm sorry sir," the first trooper told the driver, "but I'm going to have to write you a ticket."
Amazed, the driver asked, "For what??"
The trooper replied, "Tacks evasion."
April 18, 2026 - Would You Remarry?
A wife asks her husband, "Honey, if I died, would you remarry?"
"After a considerable period of grieving, I guess I would. We all need companionship."
"If I died and you remarried," the wife asks, "would she live in this house?"
"We've spent a lot of money getting this house just the way we want it. I'm not going to get rid of my house. I guess she would."
"If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house," the wife asks, "would she sleep in our bed?"
"Well, the bed is brand new, and it cost us $2,000. It's going to last a long time, so I guess she would."
"If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house and slept in our bed, would she use my golf clubs?"...
"Oh, no," the husband replies. "She's left-handed."
April 17, 2026 - Doctor's Advice
A 92 year-old man went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw the man walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm.
At his follow up visit the doctor talked to the man and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
The man replied, "Just doing what you said Doctor, 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful'."
The Doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said you got a heart murmur. Be careful."
April 15, 2026 - Believing
Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?
April 16, 2026 - Penguin Zoo
Did you hear about the man that had a pet penguin?
Soon after he got his penguin, he was driving in town one day with the penguin sitting on the front seat next to him.
A policeman noticed the penguin in the car and motioned for the man to pull over.
The officer says, "What are you doing with that penguin?"
The man replies, "We are just going for an afternoon drive."
The officer says, "I want you to take that penguin to the zoo right away, or you will be in big trouble."
The man replies, "No problem, I can do that," and the policeman let them go on their way.
Two days later, the man and his penguin are going for a drive again with the penguin sitting in the front seat.
This time the penguin has on dark sunglasses. When they pass through town, the same policeman spots
the penguin in the car. He furiuosly motions for the man to pull over.As soon as the car stops, he marches right up to the man and demands, "You are the same guy I saw two days ago with a penguin. What are you trying to do now? Don't you think that I can still recognize a penguin even if it has sunglasses on? I thought I told you to take that penguin to the zoo right away?"
The man replied, "Yes sir you did. I took him to the zoo yesterday. We had so much fun at the zoo that today I thought we would go to the beach today!"
April 15, 2026 - Extending Life
It is well documented that for every mile that you jog, you add one minute to your life which enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5000 per month.
April 14, 2026 - Concert Lights
My 14-year-old daughter, Maggie, and her best friend, Joannie are fans of 60's music. They recently
got front-row tickets to attend a Peter, Paul, and Mary concert in our town.
When they returned home from the concert that night, I wanted to hear all the details of the concert.
My daughter says, "Mom, during the show, we looked back an saw hundreds of little lights swaying to
the music. At first we thought people were holding up cigarette lighters. Then we realized that the
lights were the reflections off all the eyeglasses in the audience!"
April 11, 2026 - Computer Synchronization
As a highly skilled computer technician, Joe was hired to synchronize the communication between the microchips in the various computers in a local network.
His new boss had left him instructions on a series of post-it notes. The slips of paper were so numerous and jumbled that they were confusing to Joe and his colleagues.
Finally, Joe decided to ignore his boss' instructions. He simply discarded the notes and successfully completed the task on his own.
Upon his return, Joe's boss asked him to describe the strategy that resulted in his success.
"That's easy," replied Joe. "Lose slips, sync chips!"
April 10, 2026 - Nervous Young Minister
A nervous young minister, new to the church, told the flock, "For my text today, I will take the words, 'And they fed five men with five thousand loaves of bread and two thousand fishes.'"
A member of the flock raised his hand and said, "That's not much of a trick. I could do that."
The minister didn't respond. However, the next Sunday he decided to repeat the text. This time he did it properly: "And they fed five thousand men with five loaves of bread and two fishes."
Smiling, the minister said to the noisy man, "Could you do that, Mr. Perkins?"
The member of the flock said, "I sure could."
"How would you do it?"
"With all the food I had left over from last Sunday!"
April 9, 2026 - Geometry Homework
"Son, I've asked you before NOT to do your geometry homework at the dinner table!"
"But why, Ma?" I asked. "What is wrong with that?"
"Look," she said, "the proof is in the pudding."
April 8, 2026 - Appointment Delay
Whenever my aunt went to the doctor, she would complain to me about the long delay she always endured. One day, when my aunt's name was finally called, she was asked to step on the scale.
"I need to get your weight today," said the nurse.
Without a moment's hesitation, my aunt replied, "One hour and 45 minutes!"
April 7, 2026 - Senior Citizen Discount
"$5.37." That's what the kid behind the counter at Taco Bell said to me.
I dug into my pocket and pulled out some lint and two dimes and something that used to be a Jolly Rancher. Having already handed the kid a five-spot, I started to head back out to the truck to grab some change when the kid with the Elmo hairdo said the hardest thing anyone has ever said to me. He said, "It's OK. I'll just give you the senior citizen discount."
I turned to see who he was talking to and then heard the sound of change hitting the counter in front of me. "Only $4.68," he said cheerfully.
I stood there stupefied. I am 56, not even 60 yet. A mere child! Senior citizen?
I took my burrito and walked out to the truck, wondering what was wrong with Elmo. Was he blind? As I sat in the truck, my blood began to boil. Old? Me?
I'll show him, I thought. I opened the door and headed back inside. I strode to the counter, and there he was waiting with a smile.
Before I could say a word, he held up something and jingled it in front of me, like I could be that easily distracted! What am I now? A toddler?
"Dude! Can't get too far without your car keys, eh?"
I stared with utter disdain at the keys. I began to rationalize in my mind. "Leaving keys behind hardly makes a man elderly! It could happen to anyone!"
I turned and headed back to the truck. I slipped the key into the ignition, but it wouldn't turn. What now? I checked my keys and tried another. Still nothing.
That's when I noticed the purple beads hanging from my rear view mirror. I had no purple beads hanging from my rear view mirror.
Then, a few other objects came into focus. The car seat in the back seat. Happy Meal toys spread all over the floorboard. A partially eaten doughnut on the dashboard.
Faster than you can say ginkgo biloba, I flew out of the alien vehicle.
Moments later I was speeding out of the parking lot, relieved to finally be leaving this nightmarish stop in my life. That is when I felt it, deep in the bowels of my stomach: hunger! My stomach growled and churned, and I reached to grab my burrito, only it was nowhere to be found.
I swung the truck around, gathered my courage, and strode back into the restaurant one final time. There Elmo stood, draped in youth and black nail polish. All I could think was, "What is the world coming to?"
All I could say was, "Did I leave my food and drink in here"? At this point I was ready to ask a Boy Scout to help me back to my vehicle and then go straight home and apply for Social Security benefits.
Elmo had no clue. I walked back out to the truck, and suddenly a young lad came up and tugged on my jeans to get my attention. He was holding up a drink and a bag. His mother explained, "I think you left this in my truck by mistake."
I took the food and drink from the little boy and sheepishly apologized.
She offered these kind words: "It's OK. My grandfather does stuff like this all the time."
All of this is to explain how I got a ticket doing 85 in a 40. Yes, I was racing some punk kid in a Toyota Prius. And no, I told the officer, I'm not too old to be driving this fast.
As I walked in the front door, my wife met me halfway down the hall. I handed her a bag of cold food and a $300 speeding ticket. I promptly sat in my rocking chair and covered up my legs with a blankey.
The good news was I had successfully found my way home.
April 4, 2026 - An Honest Golfer
About four or five years ago I was standing in a ticket line at LAX, and a fellow in a line parallel to mine had a golf bag slung over his shoulder. Since the line was long and airline ticketing is a slow process at best, we struck up a conversation.
He brightened when I admired his golf bag, and he proudly stated that he was on the PGA Tour. Then he turned to me and asked the question all golfers ask: "Do you play?"
I shook my head, "I used to, but I quit because I wasn't very good. I shot consistently in the lower seventies."
There was a long, low in-take of breath, then "The lower seventies?"
"Yes," I admitted.
"Consistently?" he queried admiringly.
"Every hole," I confessed
April 3, 2026 - New Restaurant Chain
Did you hear about the new restaurant chain opening nationwide? It is a partnership between Kareem Abdul Jabarr, Ryan Coffee, and Sugar Ray Leonard.
They're going to call it: "Coffee, with Kareem and Sugar."
April 2, 2026 - Norma Findlay in Room 302
A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Michael's Hospital. She timidly asked, Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"
The operator said "I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number?"
The grandmother in her weak tremulous voice said, "Norma Findlay, Room 302."
The operator replied, "Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse."
After a few minutes the operator returned to the phone, "Oh, good news. Her nurse has told me that Norma is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal and her physician, Dr.Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged Tuesday."
The grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful! I was so worried! God bless you for the good news."
The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?"
The grandmother said, "No, I'm Norma Findlay in 302. No one tells me anything!"
April 1, 2026 - Which Will Come in First
"While watching a marathon I saw one runner dressed as a chicken & another dressed as an egg . . . this could be interesting.:
March 2026
March 31, 2026 - Waking Up"Some days I wake up grouchy and other days I let him sleep in."
March 24, 2026 - Hauling Opportunity
I wish I had a small truck so I could take advantage of a contract hauling opportunity I saw mentioned the other day.
Seems a water-garden company wants a load of frogs delivered, but they have to be delivered in a special bog-like container that will fit in a pickup truck's bed. They'll pay in food, which is exactly what I like best! For each load delivered, the company will provide one enormous home-baked casserole with a crust of Middle Eastern flat bread. Mmmmmm!
That's right: A pita pie per pickup pack of puddled peepers.
March 25, 2026 - Good Samaritan
A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan. She asked the class, "If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?"
A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, "I think I'd throw up."
March 26, 2026 - Did Noah Fish?
A Sunday school teacher asked, "Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark ?"
"No," replied Johnny. "How could he, with just two worms."
March 27, 2026 - Matchmaker
Barbie, a waitress, decided to put her matchmaking skills to the test with our mutual friend Mike. She figured that Sandy, another customer who seemed to have much in common with Mike, would be an ideal date.
One day Mike came into the restaurant when Sandy was also there. Barbie dragged Mike over to Sandy's table and introduced the two. Then she watched, in amazement, as Mike put his arm around the young woman and said in his best mock-seductive voice, "Hellooooh, Sandy."
"You guys know each other?" Barbie asked.
"We sure do," said Mike. "She's my sister."
March 28, 2026 - "Ugly The Tomcat"
Everyone in the apartment complex I lived in knew who Ugly was. Ugly was the resident tomcat. Ugly loved three things in this world: fighting, eating garbage, and, shall we say, love.
The combination of these things combined with a life spent outside had their effect on Ugly. To start with, he had only one eye and where the other should have been was a hole. He was also missing his ear on the same side, his left foot appeared to have been badly broken at one time, and had healed at an unnatural angle, making him look like he was always turning the corner.
Ugly would have been a dark gray tabby, striped type, except for the sores covering his head, neck, and even his shoulders.
Every time someone saw Ugly there was the same reaction. "That's one UGLY cat!!!"
All the children were warned not to touch him, the adults threw rocks at him, hosed him down, and squirted him when he tried to come in their homes, or shut his paws in the door when he would not leave. Ugly always had the same reaction.
If you turned the hose on him, he would stand there, getting soaked until you gave up and quit. If you threw things at him, he would curl his lanky body around your feet in forgiveness.
Whenever he spied children, he would come running, meowing frantically and bump his head against their hands, begging for their love.
If you ever picked him up he would immediately begin suckling on your shirt, earrings, whatever he could find.
One day Ugly shared his love with the neighbor's dogs. They did not respond kindly, and Ugly was badly mauled. I tried to rush to his aid. By the time I got to where he was laying, it was apparent Ugly's sad life was almost at an end.
As I picked him up and tried to carry him home, I could hear him wheezing and gasping, and could feel him struggling. It must be hurting him terribly, I thought.
Then I felt a familiar tugging, sucking sensation on my ear. Ugly, in so much pain, suffering and obviously dying, was trying to suckle my ear. I pulled him closer to me, and he bumped the palm of my hand with his head, then he turned his one golden eye towards me, and I could hear the distinct sound of purring.
Even in the greatest pain, that ugly battled scarred cat was asking only for a little affection, perhaps some compassion.
At that moment I thought Ugly was the most beautiful, loving creature I had ever seen. Never once did he try to bite or scratch me, try to get away from me, or struggle in any way. Ugly just looked up at me completely trusting in me to relieve his pain.
Ugly died in my arms before I could get inside, but I sat and held him for a long time afterwards, thinking about how one scarred, deformed little stray could so alter my opinion about what it means to have true pureness of spirit, to love so totally and truly.
Ugly taught me more about giving and compassion than a thousand books, lectures, or talk show specials ever could, and for that I will always be thankful.
He had been scarred on the outside, but I was scarred on the inside, and it was time for me to move on and learn to love truly and deeply. To give my total to those I cared for.
Many people want to be richer, more successful, well liked, beautiful, but for me. . . I will always try to be Ugly.
March 21, 2026 - The Lord is My Shepherd
A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible - Psalm 23. She gave the youngsters a month to learn the chapter. Little Rick was excited about the task - but he just couldn't remember the Psalm. After much practice, he could barely get past the first line.
On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Ricky was so nervous. When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly, "The Lord is my Shepherd, and that's all I need to know."
March 20, 2026 - Unanswered Prayer
The preacher's 5 year-old daughter noticed that her father always paused and bowed his head for a moment before starting his sermon. One day, she asked him why.
"Well, Honey," he began, proud that his daughter was so observant of his messages. "I'm asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon."
"How come He doesn't answer it?" she asked.
March 19, 2026 - Being Thankful
A Rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy, "So your mother says your prayers for you each night?
That's very commendable. What does she say?"
The little boy replied, "Thank God he's in bed!"
March 18, 2026 - All Men / All Girls
When my daughter, Kelli, said her bedtime prayers, she would bless every family member, every friend, and every animal (current and past). For several weeks, after we had finished the nightly prayer, Kelli would say,
"And all girls."
This soon became part of her nightly routine, to include this closing. My curiosity got the best of me and I asked her, "Kelli, why do you always add the part about all girls?"
Her response, "Because everybody always finish their prayers by saying 'All Men'!"
March 17, 2026 - Say a Prayer
Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother's house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When Little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away. "Johnny! Please wait until we say our prayer." said his mother.
"I don't need to," the boy replied.
"Of course, you do" his mother insisted. "We always say a prayer before eating at our house."
"That's at our house." Johnny explained. "But this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook."
March 14, 2026 - Low 80's Golf
"I play golf in the low 80's," the little old man was telling one of the young boys at the club.
"Wow," said the young man, "that's pretty impressive."
"Not really," said the little old man. "Any hotter and I'd probably have a stroke."
March 13, 2026 - Smart Phone
I think my smart phone is broken.... I pressed my home button but I'm still at work.
March 12, 2026 - Mental Victories
A newly deputized police officer responded to a report of a bar room disturbance.
The "disturbance" turned out to be well over six feet tall and weighed almost 300 pounds. What's more he boasted that he could whip the deputy and the "Heavy Weight Boxing Champion of the World."
Said the policeman, "I'll bet that you're also an escape artist too; probably better than Houdini."
The giant nodded.
"If I had some chains," the deputy continued, "you could show us all how strong you really are. But all I've got is a set of lousy handcuffs. Why don't you show us just how quickly you can break out of them?"
Once in the cuffs, the man puffed, pulled and jerked for four minutes.
"I can't get out of these," the giant growled.
"Are you sure?" the deputy gingerly asked.
The fellow tried again. "Nope," he replied. "I can't do it."
"In that case," said the deputy, "you're under arrest."
March 11, 2026 - How to Fool the Bathroom Scales
1. Weigh yourself with clothes on, after dinner...as well as in the morning, without clothes, before breakfast, because it's nice to see how much weight you've lost overnight.
2. Never weigh yourself with wet hair.
3. When weighing, remove everything, including glasses. In this case, blurred vision is an asset. Don't forget the earrings, these things can weigh at least a pound.
4. Use cheap scales only, never the medical kind, because they are always five pounds off...to your advantage, of course.
5. Always go to the bathroom first.
6. Stand with arms raised, making pressure on the scale lighter. (Waving them is optional but occasionally helps!)
7. Don't eat or drink in the morning until AFTER you've weighed in,completely naked, of course.
8. Weigh yourself after a haircut, this is good for at least half a pound of hair (hopefully).
9. Exhale with all your might BEFORE stepping onto the scale (air has to weigh something, right?)
10. Start out with just one foot on the scale, then holding onto the towel rack in front of you, slowly edge your other foot on and slowly let off of the rack. Admittedly, this takes time, but it's worth it. You will weigh at least two pounds less than if you'd stepped on normally.
March 10, 2026 - Quotable Quotes
I stopped believing in Santa Claus when my mother took me to see him in a department store, and he asked for my autograph. --Shirley Temple
If all the cars in the United States were placed end to end, it would probably be Labor Day Weekend. --Doug Lars
A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it. --Bob Hope
I know that there are people in this world who do not love their fellow man, and I hate people like that! --Tom Lehrer
I was going to buy a copy of The Power of Positive Thinking, and then I thought: What good would that do? --Ronnie Shakes
It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both incisive and probing when every twelve minutes one is interrupted by dancing rabbits singing about toilet paper. --Rod Serling
Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped. --Sam Levenson (1911-1980)
Television - a medium. So called because it is neither rare nor well-done. --Ernie Kovacs
Always remember this: If you don't attend the funerals of your friends, they will certainly not attend yours. --H.L. Mencken
A good novel tells us the truth about its hero; but a bad novel tells us the truth about its author. --G. K. Chesterton (1874-1936)
Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the United States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine milimeter bullet. --Dave Barry
This isn't right. It isn't even wrong. --Wolfgang Pauli, on a paper submitted by a physicist colleague
Today you can go to a gas station and find the cash register open and the toilets locked. They must think toilet paper is worth more than money. --Joey Bishop
The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it. --Franklin P. Jones
Red meat is NOT bad for you. Now, blue-green meat, that's REALLY BAD for you. --Tommy Smothers
When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty. --Norm Crosby
The imaginary friends I had as a kid dropped me because their friends thought I didn't exist. --Aaron Machado
I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places. --Henny Youngman
The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver. --Jay Leno
It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose. --Darrin Weinberg
Remember that as a teenager you are in the last stage of your life in which you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you. --Fran Lebowitz
A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin. --H.L. Mencken
It ain't so much the things you don't know that get you in trouble. It's the things you know that just ain't so. --Artimus Ward, 1834-1867
March 7, 2026 - Under the Bed
Because of back problems, each night I lie on the floor and do exercises.
Once when we stopped at a motel, as I started my exercise, something under the bed caught my eye.
It was a card, on which was written, "Yes, we do clean under here, too."
March 6, 2026 - Maturity Under Attack
We Must Stop This!!
Have you ever noticed that when you're of a certain age, everything seems uphill from where you are? Stairs are steeper. Groceries are heavier, and everything is farther away. Yesterday I walked to the corner and I was dumbfounded to discover how long our street had become!
And, you know, people are less considerate now, especially the young ones. They speak in whispers all the time! I also think they are much younger than I was at the same age. On the other hand, people my own age are so much older than I am. I ran into an old friend the other day and she has aged so much that she didn't even recognize me. I got to thinking about the poor dear while I was combing my hair this morning, and in doing so, I glanced at my own refection........Well, REALLY NOW ......... even mirrors are not made the way they used to be!
Another thing, everyone drives so fast today! You're risking life and limb if you just happen to pull onto the freeway in front of them. All I can say is, their brakes must wear out awfully fast, the way I see them screech and swerve in my rear view mirror.
Clothing manufacturers are less civilized these days. Why else would they suddenly start labeling a size 10 or 12 dress as 18 or 20? Do they think no one notices that these things no longer fit around the waist, hips, thighs, and bosom?
The people who make bathroom scales are pulling the same prank, but in reverse. Do they think I actually "believe" the number I see on that? HA! I would never let myself weigh that much! Just who do these they're fooling?
I'd like to call up someone in authority to report what's going on. But the telephone company is in on the conspiracy too. They've printed the phone books in such small type that no one could ever find a number in here!
All I can do is pass along this warning: Maturity is under attack!
Unless something drastic happens, pretty soon "everyone" will have to suffer these awful indignities.
March 5, 2026 - Surgeon Book Return
A surgeon goes to return some books borrowed from the library. The librarian quips after checking the books, "Sir your books are always returned with the last page missing in every book."
The surgeon replies, "I can't stop myself from removing an appendix when ever I see one.
March 4, 2026 - Value For Money
Patient: How much will it cost me to have this tooth extracted?
Dentist: $300
Patient: $300 for just a few minutes work, that expensive.
Dentist: O.K. I'll pull it out slowly if you prefer.
March 3, 2026 - More Laws of Life
* Murphy's First Law for Wives: If you ask your husband to pick up five items at the store and then you add one more as an afterthought, he will forget two of the first five.
* Lerman's Law of Technology: Any technical problem can be overcome given enough time and money.
Corollary: You are never given enough time or money.
* Law of the Search: The first place to look for anything is the last place you would expect to find it.
Corollary: It will not be in the last place you expect to find it.
* Kauffman's Paradox of the Corporation: The less important you are to the corporation, the more your tardiness or absence is noticed.
* The Salary Axiom: The pay raise is just large enough to increase your taxes and just small enough to have no effect on your take-home pay.
* Miller's Law of Insurance: Insurance covers everything except what happens.
* First Law of Living: As soon as you start doing what you always wanted to be doing, you will want to be doing something else.
* Isaac's Strange Rule of Staleness: Any food that starts out hard will soften when stale. Any food that starts out soft will harden when stale.
* Kenny's Law of Auto Repair: The part requiring the most consistent repair or replacement will be housed in the most inaccessible location.
* Second Law of Business Meetings: If there are two possible ways to spell a person's name, you will pick the wrong one.
Corollary: If there is only one way to spell a name, you will spell it wrong anyway.
* The Grocery Bag Law: The candy bar you planned to eat on the way home from the market is hidden at the bottom of the grocery bag.
* Yeager's Law: Washing machines break down only during the wash cycle.
Corollary: All breakdowns occur on the plumber's day off.
* Lampner's Law of Employment: When leaving work late, you will go unnoticed. When you leave work early, you will meet the boss in the parking lot.
* Quile's Consultation Law: The job that pays the most will be offered when there is no time to deliver the services.
* Loftus' Law: Some people manage by the book, even though they don't know who wrote the book or even which book it is.
* Lovka's Dilemma: You never get away, you only get someplace else.
February 2026
February 28, 2026 - Born Lazy
When I was born I was so lazy, my parents had to feed me and dress me and carry me around with them all day.
February 27, 2026 - Pet Bills
While waiting at the veterinarian's office, I overheard two women chatting about their dogs.
"What's your dog's name?" asked the first woman.
"Well, we used to call her Pork Chop," answered the second lady. "But after
the vet bills we've had for her, we now call her Filet Mignon."
February 26, 2026 - Leaving the Farm
A dying granny tells her granddaughter, "I want to leave you my farm. That includes the villa, the tractor, and other equipment, the farmhouse and $22,398,750.78 in cash."
The granddaughter, about to become rich says, "Oh granny, you are so generous. I didn't even know you had a farm. Where is it?".
February 25, 2026 - Division of Labor
The couple had an outstandingly happy and successful marriage. The husband was once asked to what he attributed this remarkable situation.
"It's simple," he said. "Division of labor. My wife makes all the small, routine decisions. She decides what house we buy, where we go on vacation, whether the kids go to private schools, if I should change my job, and so on."
"And you?"
"I make the big, fundamental decisions. I decide if the United States should declare war on China, if Congress should appropriate money for a manned expedition to Mars, and so on."
February 24, 2026 - Busy Mom
My busy mother sometimes accidentally left pots and pans on the stove with the burners on, so she resorted to posting this reminder on the kitchen door: "STOVE?"
My sister, back from college, noticed Mother's sign. Beneath it she taped her reply:
"No -- Door! Trust me. I went to college."
With her last breath, granny whispered, "Facebook..."
February 21, 2026 - Run Through the Woods
Two campers, both in the 60s are walking through the woods.
A huge brown bear suddenly appeared in the clearing about 50 feet in front of them. The bear spots the campers and begins to head toward them.
Joe drops his backpack, digs out a pair of sneakers, and frantically begins to put them on.
His buddy Jack says, "What are you doing? Sneakers won't help you outrun that bear."
"I don't need to outrun the bear," Joe says. "I just need to outrun you."
February 20, 2026 - Towards and Away
One day many years ago, a fisherman's wife blessed her husband with twin sons. They loved the children very much, but couldn't think of what to name their children. Finally, after several days, the fisherman said, "Let's not decide on names right now. If we wait a little while, the names will simply occur to us."
After several weeks had passed, the fisherman and his wife noticed a peculiar fact. When left alone, one of the boys would always turn towards the sea, while the other boy would
face inland. It didn't matter which way the parents positioned the children, the same child always faced the same direction. "Let's call the boys Towards and Away," suggested the fisherman. His wife agreed, and from that point on, the boys were simply known as TOWARDS and AWAY.
The years passed and the lads grew tall and strong. The day came when the aging fisherman said to his sons, "Boys, it's time that you learned how to make a living from the
sea." They provisioned their ship, said their goodbyes, and set sail for a three-month voyage.
The three months passed quickly for the fisherman's wife, yet the ship had not returned. Another three months passed, and still no ship.
Three whole years passed before the grieving woman saw a lone man walking towards her house. She recognized him as her husband. "My goodness! What has happened to my darling boys?" she cried.
The ragged fisherman began to tell his story:
"We were just barely one whole day out to sea when Towards hooked into a great fish. Towards fought long and hard, but the fish was more than his equal. For a whole week
they wrestled upon the waves without either of them letting up. Yet eventually the great fish started to win the battle, and Towards was pulled over the side of our ship. He was swallowed whole, and we never saw either of them again."
"Oh dear, that must have been terrible! What a huge fish that must of been! What a horrible fish. What a *horrible, horrible* fish!"
"Yes, it was, but you should have seen the one that got Away!"
February 19, 2026 - Cakes and Ale and Legalism
Here is a purported-to-be-true story someone found regarding exams at Cambridge University. It seems that during an examination one day, a bright young student popped up and asked the proctor to bring him cakes and ale. The following dialog ensued:
Proctor: I beg your pardon?
Student: Sir, I request that you bring me cakes and ale.
Proctor: Sorry, no.
Student: Sir, I really must insist. I request and require that you bring me cakes and ale.
At this point, the student produced a copy of the four hundred-year-old Laws of Cambridge, written in Latin and still nominally in effect, and pointed to the section that read (roughly translated): "Gentlemen sitting examinations may request and require cakes and ale." Pepsi and hamburgers were judged the modern equivalent, and the student sat there, writing his examination and happily eating and slurping away.
Three weeks later, the student was fined five pounds for not wearing a sword to the examination.
February 18, 2026 - Australian Military Helicopter Simulation
This is supposedly a true story from a recent Defence Science Lectures Series, as related by the head of the Australian DSTO's Land Operations/Simulation division.
They had been working on some really nifty virtual reality simulators, the case in point being to incorporate Armed Reconnaissance Helicopters into exercises (from the data fusion point of view). Most of the people they employ on this sort of thing are ex- (or future) computer game programmers. Anyway, as part of the reality parameters, they included things like trees and animals. For the Australian simulation they included kangaroos. In particular, they had to model kangaroo movements and reactions to helicopters (since hordes of disturbed kangaroos might well give away a helicopter's position).
Being good programmers, they just stole some code (which was originally used to model infantry detachments reactions under the same stimuli), and changed the mapped icon, the speed parameters, etc. The first time they went to demonstrate this to some visiting Americans, the hotshot pilots decided to get "down and dirty" with the virtual kangaroos. So, they buzzed them, and watched them scatter. The visiting Americans nodded appreciatively... then gaped wide-eyed as the kangaroos ducked around a hill, and launched about two dozen Stinger missiles at the hapless helicopter.
Programmers looked rather embarrassed at forgetting to remove that part of the infantry coding... and the Americans left muttering comments about not wanting to mess with the Aussie wildlife!
As an addendum, simulator pilots from that point onwards avoided kangaroos like the plague, just like they were meant to do in the first place.
February 17, 2026 - Columbus Return
The teacher asked her fifth-grade class, "How was Columbus treated when he returned from his third voyage?"
One student said, "Lots of people met him at the pier, and they all had a great time."
Sternly, the teacher said, "You didn't read the assignment!"
The student brought the textbook up to the teacher's desk and showed her where it read, "Columbus received a cool reception when he returned from his third voyage."
February 14, 2026 - In-Law Letter
When the man came home, his wife was crying.
"Your mother insulted me," she sobbed.
"My mother? How could she do that? She's on vacation on the other side of the world!" the man said.
"I know. But this morning a letter addressed to you arrived. I opened it because I was curious."
"And?"
"At the end of the letter she wrote:
PS. Dear Diane, when you have finished reading this letter, don't forget to give it to my son."
February 13, 2026 - Seatmate Choice
The plane was only half-full. When an attractive young woman asked if the seat next to mine was free, my male ego soared. Soon we were chatting pleasantly, and she told me it was her first flight.
"Mom said to sit next to someone I thought I could trust," she confessed nervously.
"And you look just like my dad."
February 12, 2026 - Environmental Concerns
Students at school were asked to write about the harmful environmental effects of oil on fish.
One 11-year old wrote, "When my mom opened a tin of sardines last night it was full of oil and all the sardines were dead."
February 11, 2026 - You Know You're Getting Old When
You know you're getting there when...
Everything that works hurts, and what doesn't hurt doesn't work.
You feel like the morning after, and you haven't been anywhere.
Your little black book only contains names ending in M.D.
Your children are beginning to look middle-aged.
Your mind makes contracts your body can't keep.
You look forward to a dull evening.
Your knees buckle and your belt won't.
Your back goes out more than you do.
You sink your teeth into a steak, and they stay there.
You know all the answers, but nobody asks the questions.
You and your teeth don't sleep together.
Your try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks and discover you aren't wearing any.
At the breakfast table you hear snap, crackle, pop and you're not eating cereal.
Your back goes out but you stay home.
When you wake up looking like your driver's license picture.
It takes two tries to get up from the couch.
When your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.
When happy hour is a nap.
When you're on vacation and your energy runs out before your money does.
When you say something to your kids that your mother said to you and you always hated it.
When all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age.
When you step off a curb and look down one more time to make sure the street is still there.
Your idea of weight lifting is standing up.
It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.
Your memory is shorter and your complaining lasts longer.
You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.
The pharmacist has become your new best friend.
February 10, 2026 - Mistaken Identity
This year, at the annual summer day camp Westside Bible Church runs, we have a set of identical twin brothers enrolled. They are 6 years old and very, very identical.
At the end of each day's schedule, all of the day camp students gather together in our main hall and watch a slide show of pictures taken during the various activities of the day. As they watch, the children point out individuals they recognize in the photos. Today, when one of the twins was recognized, a number of children pointed to him and said, "That's you!"
Apparently it wasn't, because he replied loudly in protest, "No, that's not me. That's the other me!"
February 7, 2026 - Cake Lesson
A little boy is telling his Grandma how "everything" is going wrong: School, family problems, health problems, etc. Meanwhile, Grandma is baking a cake.
She asks her grandson if he would like a snack, which of course he does.
"Here, have some cooking oil."
"Yuck" says the boy.
"How about a couple raw eggs? "
"Gross, Grandma!"
"Would you like some flour then? Or maybe baking soda?"
"Grandma, those are all yucky!"
To which Grandma replies: "Yes, all those things seem bad all by themselves. But when they are put together in the right way, they make a wonderfully delicious cake!"
She continued, "God works the same way in our lives."
February 6, 2026 - Carrier Landings 2
Flying into a Middle East airport, my co-pilot and I reviewed our flight plan for the trip back to the USS Enterprise. We were to pick up a Navy captain, and experience had taught me that even seasoned vets turn white-knuckled during carrier landings.
Once the captain was strapped in, I turned around to welcome him aboard. "Sir," I asked, "will this be your first carrier landing?"
Looking at me with disdain, he opened his inflatable vest to display gold wings above five rows of ribbons. "Son," he said, "I have over 500 carrier landings in jet fighters."
"That's good to hear," my co-pilot said, winking at me, "because this will be our first."
February 5, 2026 - Literature Exam
My son stayed up half the night studying for his English Literature exam. He would drink coffee almost constantly while attempting to read "The Canterbury Tales."
I awoke at 4 A.M. and found him studying with mug in hand, and asked him, "What have you got there?"
He answered... "Just my cup and Chaucer."
February 4, 2026 - Everything I Learned From A Cow
Everything I need to know I learnt from a cow
1. Wake up in a happy mooo-d.
2. Don't cry over spilled milk.
3. When chewing your cud, remember: There's no fat, no calories, no cholesterol, and no taste!
4. The grass is green on the other side of the fence.
5. Turn the udder cheek and mooo-ve on.
6. Seize every opportunity and milk it for all its worth!
7. It's better to be seen and not herd.
8. Honor thy fodder and thy mother and all your udder relatives.
9. Never take any bull from anybody.
10. Always let them know who's the bossy.
11. Stepping on cowpies brings good luck.
12. Black and white is always an appropriate fashion statement.
13. Don't forget to cow-nt your blessings every day.
February 3, 2026 - Sheriff Vet
The sheriff of a small town was also the town's veterinarian.
One night the phone rang, and his wife answered. An agitated voice inquired, "Is your husband there?"
"Do you require his services as a sheriff or as a vet?" the wife asked.
"Both!" was the reply. "We can't get our dog's mouth open, and there's a burglar in it."
January 2026
January 31, 2026 - Meet the Parents
A young man looking to get married asked his friend. "Every woman I bring home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like."
"Oh, that's easy," his pal replied. "All you have to do is find someone who is just like your mother."
"I did that already," he said, "and that one my father didn't like."
January 30, 2026 - A Man for Every Woman
Diane was getting real discouraged over the lack of finding a steady man in her life.
In an attempt to lift her spirits, her friend Karen said, "There's a man for every woman and a woman for every man. You can't change that."
Diane replied, "I don't want to change it! I just wanna get in on it."
January 29, 2026 - The Ways of Love
My grandmother told me how she ended up marrying Grandpa.
She was in her 20s, and the man she was dating left for war.
"We were in love," she recalled, "and wrote to each other every week. It was during that time that I discovered how wonderful your grandfather was."
"Did you marry Grandpa when he came home from the war?" I asked.
"Oh, I didn't marry the man who wrote the letters. Your grandfather was the mailman."
January 28, 2026 - Season Ticket Swap
Sarah was reading a newspaper, while her husband was engrossed in a magazine. Suddenly, she burst out laughing.
"Listen to this," she said. "There's a classified ad here where a guy is offering to swap his wife for a season ticket to the stadium."
"Hmmm," her husband said, not looking up from his magazine.
Teasing him, Sarah said, "Would you swap me for a season ticket?"
"Absolutely not," he said.
"How sweet," Sarah said. "Tell me why not."
"Season's more than half over," he said.
January 27, 2026 - Train Good News
A large, two-engined train was making its way across America. While crossing the Western mountains, one of the engines broke down. "No problem, we can make it to Denver and get a replacement engine there," the engineer thought, and carried on at half power. Farther on down the line (if you didn't guess by now), the other engine broke down, and the train came to a standstill in the middle of nowhere.
The engineer needed to inform the passengers about why the train had stopped, and always trying to look on the bright side of things, made the following announcement: "Ladies and Gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news. The bad news is that both engines have failed, and we will be stuck here for some time until the additional engines arrive. The good news is that you didn't take this trip in a plane!"
January 24, 2026 - Five Kinds of Fruit
In the middle of the table is a round food tray with five kinds of fruits on it. They are:
a. Apple
b. Banana
c. Strawberry
d. Peach
e. Orange
Which fruit will you choose? Please think VERY carefully and don't rush into it. This is great, I was astounded! Your choice reveals a lot about you! Test results: Please SCROLL DOWN
If you have chosen:
a. Apple: That means you are a person who loves to eat apples.
b. Banana: That means you are a person who loves to eat bananas.
c. Strawberry: That means you are a person who loves to eat strawberries.
d. Peach: That means you are a person who loves to eat peaches.
e. Orange: That means you are a person who loves to eat oranges.
I hope you find fulfillment in this new insight about yourself. May it bring you peace and understanding, tranquility and all that other profound stuff.
January 23, 2026 - What Does Your Horn Say?
Do you remember when the whole lower half of a car's steering wheel used to constitute the car's horn? A car horn that was half the size of the steering wheel made it so much easier and fun to find and hit than locating today's microscopic, camouflaged little buttons. How are you ever supposed to find and use your horn in the nanosecond you have in case of a pending accident?
January 22, 2026 - Classroom Talk
As you know, kids say the darnedest things.
Yesterday, a sweet little nugget said, “Mrs. Hall, your eyes sparkle like glitter.” And I thought, well, this boy already knows his way to a women’s heart.
Today, as I was giving directions to the class about a quiz we were about to take and where to turn it in, I asked if there were any questions. A different little nugget raised his hand. Of course I asked him what his question was. Any ideas on his question………
“Mrs. Hall, did you know that your arm jiggled when you moved it like that?”
Obviously, this little boy will be alone forever.
January 21, 2026 - A Few More Golf Course Funnies
Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Do you have a dress code?
Staff: Yes, we do. We require soft spikes.
Caller: How about clothes?
Staff: Yes, you have to wear clothes.
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Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, do you have a driving range there?
Staff: Yes.
Caller: How much for a bucket of large balls?
Staff: Sorry, we're all out of large balls. But we can give you twice as many small balls for the same price.
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Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Can I get a tee time for tomorrow?
Staff: Sure, what time would you like?
Caller: Something between 9 o'clock and 10 o'clock. In the morning, if possible.
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Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Do you rent golf clubs there?
Staff: Yes, they're 25 dollars.
Caller: How much to rent a bag?
January 20, 2026 - A Few More Golf Course Funnies
Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, my husband just called me on his cell phone and told me he's on the 15th hole, How many more holes does he have to play before he gets to the 18th?
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Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, do you have a driving range there?
Staff: Yes.
Caller: How much for a large bucket?
Staff: Four dollars.
Caller: Does that include the balls?
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Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Do you have a twilight rate?
Staff: Yes, it's 15 dollars after 2 o'clock.
Caller: And what time does that start?
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Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, I'd like some info about your golf course.
Staff: OK, what would you like to know?
Caller: I don't know, that's why I called.
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Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: My kids just came home with pockets full of range balls and said they stole them from your driving range Would you like to buy them back?
January 17, 2026 - Omitted Stories
Reverend Smith, a respected church leader, arrived in a large city to deliver a series of speeches.
At a banquet the first evening, he noticed some reporters in the audience. Because he wanted to use some of the stories he told that night in his speeches the next day, he asked the reporters to omit them from their articles.
One article that came out the next day, written by a cub reporter, concluded with this line: "Reverend Smith also told a number of stories that cannot be printed."
January 16, 2026 - Wise Uncle Rusty
Uncle Rusty is a wise man. A while back he retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and quiet, puttering around his workshop.
That is of course until the school year began. On the first day of school three young boys, full of pent up energy from a full day of school, came down his street. As they walked down the street they beat rhythmically on every trash can they passed.
Day after day, it was the same thing. Beating, clanging and pounding out a rhythm on the cans as they walked down the street. Poor Uncle Rusty just couldn't take it any more.
The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young musicians. As they worked their way down the street, pounding out a tune on the cans, Rusty stopped them and said, "You kids sure are having a lot of fun. I like seeing young people like you, express themselves. In fact, I used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I'll give you each a dollar if you'll promise to come around every day and do your thing."
The kids were elated and continued to do a bang up job on the trash cans.
After two weeks, Uncle Rusty greeted the kids again, but this time he had a sad expression on his face. "This recession's really putting a big dent in my income, which I failed to factor in a fortnight ago when I met you" he told them. "From now on, I'll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans."
The boys were not pleased, but they did accept his offer and continued their afternoon concert. A month later, Sly Uncle Rusty approached them again as they drummed their way down the street. With words that would ensure he would have peace and quiet from that day forward he said, "Look, my Social Security check just isn't stretching as far with the expenses. So I'm not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents a day. Will that be okay ?"
"What? Just a crummy quarter ?" the boys exclaimed. "If you think we're going to waste our time, beating these cans around for a quarter, you're nuts. No way, mister. We quit!"
January 15, 2026 - And Still More Golf Course Funnies
Golf course, may I help you?
Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: What are your green fees?
Staff: 38 dollars.
Caller: Does that include golf?
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Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, I need to get some information from you. First, is this your correct phone number?
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Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, we have a tee time for two weeks from Friday. What's the weather going to be like that day?
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January 14, 2026 - More Golf Course Funnies
Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, I had a tee time for this afternoon but I'm running late. Can you still get me out early?
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Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, do you have one of those areas where you can buy a bucket of golf balls and hit them for practice?
Staff: You mean a driving range?
Caller: No, that's not it..
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Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, I'd like to get a tee time tomorrow between 12 O'clock and noon.
Staff: Between 12 o'clock and noon?
Caller: Yes.
Staff: We'll try to squeeze you in.
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January 13, 2026 - Golf Course Funnies
Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Do you have any open tee times around 10 o'clock?
Staff: Yes, we have one at 10:15.
Caller: What's the next time after that?
Staff: We have one at 10:22.
Caller: We'll take that one. It will be a bit warmer.
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Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: How much to play golf today?
Staff: 25 to walk, 38 with a cart.
Caller: 38 dollars?
Staff: No, 38 yen.
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Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: What do you have for tee times tomorrow?
Staff: What time would you like?
Caller: What times do you have?
Staff: What time of the day?
Caller: Any time.
Staff: Morning or afternoon?
Caller: Whenever.
Staff: We have 16 times open in the morning and 20 open in the afternoon. Would you like me to read the whole list?
Caller: No, I don't think any of those times will work for me.
January 10, 2026 - Coffee Like Mud
I was making rounds one morning with a physician when we were interrupted by a co-worker who inquired about a patient's diet.
"Mrs. Jones does nothing but complain about her food," my co-worker said. "She says the coffee tastes like mud."
"Well, it should," the doctor quipped. "It was fresh ground this morning."
January 9, 2026 - Loved Too Much
A little boy was roughhousing with his dog.
His mother said to him, "Now, Bobby, I know you love Buster, but you're loving him too much. How would you feel if someone huge picked you up and squeezed you so hard you couldn't breathe?"
The boy thought a moment and then said, "I guess I'd feel like it was my birthday and Aunt Thelma was here!"
January 8, 2026 - Test Results Good News
Joey walked into his dad's study while his dad was working on the computer.
"Dad," said Joey, "Remember when you told me you'd give me twenty dollars if I passed my math test?" Dad nodded.
"Well," said Joey, "The good news is that I just saved you twenty bucks."
January 7, 2026 - Serving Money
An elderly man took his little grandson for a walk around the local cemetery. Pausing before one gravestone he said, "There lies a very honest man. He died owing me 50 dollars, but he struggled to the end to pay off his debts, and if anyone has gone to heaven, he has."
They walked on a bit further and then came to another grave. The old man pointed to the gravestone and said, "Now there's a different type of man altogether. He owed me 60 dollars and he died without ever trying to pay me back. If anyone has gone to hell, he has."
The little boy thought for a while and then said, "You know, Grandpa, you are very lucky."
"Why?" asked the old man in surprise.
"Well, whichever place you go to, you'll have some money to draw on."
January 6, 2026 - Impossible Argument
A married couple were having a disagreement while sitting in bed.
The wife said to her husband, "You're impossible," to which the husband replied, "No. I'm next to impossible."
January 3, 2026 - Community Newspaper
Gilbert, South Carolina is such a small community, I was surprised that they had a community paper. I asked one old-timer about it.
He replied, "We all know what everybody else is doing, but we like to read the paper anyway to see who's been caught at it."
January 2, 2026 - Frazzled Doctor
As soon as I stepped into the urgent-care facility in my hometown, I could see the place was packed with patients. The nurses and doctors all seemed frazzled.
I discovered just how frazzled when a doctor walked into the room, pulled out his examination light, pointed it in my ear, and instructed me, "Say, 'Ah.'"