October 31, 2026 - As They Get Old Pun - Part 1
As They Get Old . . .
Old accountants never die, they just lose their balance.
Old actors never die, they just drop apart.
Old archers never die, they just bow and quiver.
Old architects never die, they just lose their structures.
Old bankers never die, they just lose interest.
Old basketball players never die, they just go on dribbling.
Old beekeepers never die, they just buzz off.
Old bookkeepers never die, they just lose their figures.
Old bosses never die, much as you want them to.
Old cashiers never die, they just check out.
Old chauffeurs never die, they just lose their drive.
Old chemists never die, they just fail to react.
Old cleaning people never die, they just kick the bucket.
Old cooks never die, they just get deranged.
Old daredevils never die, they just get discouraged.
Old deans never die, they just lose their faculties.
Old doctors never die, they just lose their patience.
Old electricians never die, they just lose contact.
Old farmers never die, they just go to seed.
Old garagemen never die, they just retire.
October 30, 2026 - As They Get Old Pun - Part 2
As They Get Old . . .
Old hackers never die, they just go to bits.
Old hardware engineers never die, they just cache in their chips.
Old hippies never die, they just smell that way.
Old horticulturists never die, they just go to pot.
Old hypochondriacs never die, they just lose their grippe.
Old investors never die, they just roll over.
Old journalists never die, they just get de-pressed.
Old knights in chain mail never die, they just shuffle off their metal coils.
Old laser physicists never die, they just become incoherent.
Old lawyers never die, they just lose their appeal.
Old limbo dancers never die, they just go under.
Old mathematicians never die, they just disintegrate.
Old milkmaids never die, they just lose their whey.
Old ministers never die, they just get put out to pastor...
Old musicians never die, they just get played out.
Old number theorists never die, they just get past their prime.
Old numerical analysts never die, they just get disarrayed.
Old owls never die, they just don't give a hoot.
Old pacifists never die, they just go to peaces.
Old professors never die, they just lose their class.
October 29, 2026 - War
As the regiment moved out, the crowd cheered. One soldier asked another, "Who are all those cheering people?"
The veteran answered, "They're the ones who aren't going."
October 28, 2026 - Dig, Dig, Dig
A husband and wife constantly bickered and fought, often yelling deep into the night. Most fights ended with the husband shouting, "When I die, I will dig my way up, out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"
Everybody in the neighborhood who heard this threat feared and avoided him for his temper - a fact he enjoyed right up to the day he dropped dead of a heart attack in the middle of one of his tirades.
After his funeral and burial, his widow threw a huge party for the neighborhood to celebrate their shared freedom. The neighbors, however, were concerned for her safety and asked, "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way out of the grave and haunt you for the rest of your life?"
The wife smiled and said, "Let him dig. I had him buried upside down. And I know he won't ask for directions."
October 27, 2026 - Foreign Pizza
An American businessman goes to Japan on a business trip, but he hates Japanese food, so he asks the concierge at his hotel if there's any place around where he can get American food.
The concierge tells him he's in luck, there's a pizza place that just opened, and they deliver. The concierge gives the businessman the phone number, and he goes back to his room and orders a pizza.
Thirty minutes later, the delivery guy shows up to the door with the pizza.
The businessman takes the pizza, and starts sneezing uncontrollably. He asks the delivery man, "What on earth did you put on this pizza?"
The delivery man bows deeply and says, "We put on the pizza what you ordered, pepper only."
October 24, 2026 - Ballet Audition
There was once a beautiful fairy who yearned to be a ballet dancer. When she heard that the Royal Ballet was holding auditions in a nearby town, she harnessed 100 white pigeons to her chariot and flew to the theater.
The director took one look at the fairy's spectacular entrance and told her to go away. "But why?" she wailed.
"Because we've got enough pigeon-towed dancers in the company already.
October 23, 2026 - Motivation
The head of a small industrial company posted DO IT NOW signs all around his office and plant in hopes of getting better results from his workers.
Some weeks later, when asked why he was removing the slogans, he said, "It worked too well: the bookkeeper skipped with $20,000; the chief clerk eloped with the best secretary I've ever had; three salesmen asked for raises; and the workers in the factory joined the union and are out on strike."
October 22, 2026 - Congress Crash
A plane full of congressmen on a political fact-finding tour crashed in the middle of rural America. Panic stricken, the FBI mobilized and descended on the farm in force.
When they got there, all they found was a burned hulk, smoldering in a tree line that bordered a farm. The agents descended upon the smoking hulk but could find no remains of the crew or passengers. To their amazement, a lone farmer was plowing a field not too far away as if nothing at all had happened. They hurried over to surround the man's tractor.
"Sir," the senior FBI agent asked, panting and out of breath. "Did you see this terrible accident happen?"
"Yep. Sure did." The farmer muttered unconcernedly.
"Did you realize that plane was full of congressmen?"
"Yep."
"Weren't there any survivors?" the agent gasped.
"Nope. They's all kilt straight out." The farmer sighed, cutting off his tractor motor. "I done buried them all myself. Took most of the morning too."
"All of the Senators were dead?" The agent gulped in disbelief.
"Well," the farmer sighed, obviously wanting to get back to his work.
"A few of 'em kept a-saying they wasn't ... but you know what liars all them career politicians is."
October 20, 2026 - Fourth Grade Logic
A fourth-grade teacher was giving her pupils a lesson in logic.
"Here is the situation," she said. "A man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing. He loses his balance, falls in, and begins splashing and yelling for help. His wife hears the commotion, knows he can't swim, and runs down to the bank. Why do you think she ran to the bank?"
A girl raised her hand and asked,
"To draw out all his savings?"
October 17, 2026 - Carpet Complaints
My mother is always complaining about how dirty the carpet in my room is.
I can't help it - it's my nature to abhor a vacuum.
October 16, 2026 - Peacefulness, Pacifism
A burglar entered the house of a Quaker and proceeded to rob it. The Quaker heard the noise and took his shotgun downstairs.
Upon finding the burglar he aimed his gun and said gently,"Friend, I mean thee no harm, but thou standest where I am about to shoot."
October 15, 2026 - Christian Football
Quarterback Sneak - Church members quietly leaving during the invitation.
Draw Play - What many children do with the bulletin during worship.
Half-time - The period between Sunday School and worship when many choose to leave.
Benchwarmer - Those who do not sing, pray, work, or apparently do anything but sit.
Backfield-in-Motion - Making a trip to the back (restroom or water fountain) during the service.
Staying in the Pocket - What happens to a lot of money that should be given to the Lord's work.
Two-minute Warning - The point at which you realize the sermon is almost over and begin to gather up your children and belongings.
Instant Replay - The preacher loses his notes and falls back on last week's illustrations.
Sudden Death - What happens to the attention span of the congregation if the preacher goes "overtime."
Trap - You're called on to pray and are asleep.
End Run - Getting out of church quick, without speaking to any guest or fellow member.
Flex Defense - The ability to allow absolutely nothing said during the sermon to affect your life.
Halfback Option - The decision of 50% of the congregation not to return for the evening service.
Blitz - The rush for the restaurants following the closing prayer.
From the Dog:
Curiosity Killed the Cat: that's the dog's story, and he's sticking to it!
October 14, 2026 - Why Dogs are Better Than Kids
45 minutes to get a dog ready to go outside in the winter? -- NOT!
Dogs cannot lie.
Dogs never resist nap time.
You don't need to get extra phone lines for a dog.
Dogs don't pester you about getting a kid.
Dogs don't care if the peas have been touched by the potatoes.
Average cost of sending a dog to school: $42...
Average cost of sending a kid: $103,000...
Dogs are housebroken by the time they are 12 weeks old.
Your dog isn't embarrassed if you sing in public.
October 13, 2026 - Internet Cleaning
As many of you know, each year the Internet must be shut down for 24 hours in order to allow us to clean it. The cleaning process, which eliminates dead email and inactive ftp, www and gopher sites, allows for a better working and faster Internet.
This year, the cleaning process will take place from 12:01 a.m.. GMT on April 1st until 12:01 a.m., GMT on April 2nd During that 24-hour period, five powerful Internet search engines situated around the world will search the Internet and delete any data that they find.
In order to protect your valuable data from deletion we ask that you do the following:
1. Disconnect all terminals and local area networks from their Internet connections.
2. Shut down all Internet servers, or disconnect them from the Internet.
3. Disconnect all disks and hard drives from any connections to the Internet.
4. Refrain from connecting any computer to the Internet in any way.
We understand the inconvenience that this may cause some Internet users, and we apologize. However, we are certain that any inconveniences will be more than made up for by the increased speed and efficiency of the Internet, once it has been cleared of electronic flotsam and jetsam.
We thank you for your cooperation.
Interconnected Network Maintenance staff, Main branch, Massachusetts Institute of Technology
*****************
Please notify your friends relatives and business associates on this event so they too will be prepared.
October 10, 2026 - Memory
Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.
October 9, 2026 -Sick Days
It was the toughest experience of my life.
First, I got angina pectoris and then arteriosclerosis. Just as I was recovering from these, I got tuberculosis, double pneumonia and phthisis. Appendicitis was followed by tonsillectomy.
These gave way to aphasia and hypertrophic cirrhosis. I completely lost my memory for a while. I know I had diabetes and acute ingestion, besides gastritis, rheumatism, lumbago and neuritis.
Realizing that perhaps I might do better with another doctor, I made an appointment at new medical office. The receptionist had me fill out forms that included my medical history.
I don't know how I pulled through it. It was the hardest spelling test I've ever had.
October 8, 2026 - Judging Others
Heavenly Father, Help us remember that the jerk who cut us off in traffic last night is a single mother who worked nine hours that day and is rushing home to cook dinner, help with homework, do the laundry and spend a few precious moments with her children.
October 7, 2026 - Terror Cells in Church
Latest news reports are that five terrorist cell groups have been operating in many of our churches. They have been identified as: Bin Sleepin, Bin Arguin, Bin Fightin, Bin Complainin, and Bin Missin. Their leader, Lucifer Bin Workin, trained these groups to destroy the Body of Christ. The plan is to come into the church disguised as Christians and to work within the church to discourage, disrupt, and destroy.
However, there have been reports of a sixth group. A tiny cell known by the name Bin Prayin is actually the only effective counter terrorism force in the church. Unlike other terrorist cells, the Bin Prayin team does not blend in with whoever and whatever comes along. Bin Prayin does whatever is needed to uplift and encourage the Body of Christ. We have noticed that the Bin Prayin cell group has different characteristics than the others. They have Bin Watchin, Bin Waitin, Bin Fastin, and Bin Longin for their Master, Jesus Christ, to return.
NO CHURCH IS EXEMPT!
(However, you can spot them if you bin lookin and bin goin.)
Help us to remember that the pierced, tattooed, disinterested young man who can't make change correctly is a worried 19-year-old college student, balancing his apprehension over final exams with his fear of not getting his student loans for next semester.
Remind us, Lord, that the scary looking bum, begging for money in the same spot every day (who really ought to get a job!) is a slave to addictions that we can only imagine in our worst nightmares.
Help us to remember that the old couple walking annoyingly slow through the store aisles and blocking our shopping progress are savoring this moment, knowing that, based on the biopsy report she got back last week, this will be the last year that they go shopping together.
Heavenly Father, remind us each day that, of all the gifts you give us, the greatest gift is love. It is not enough to share that love with those we hold dear. Open our hearts not to just those who are close to us, but to all humanity.
Let us be slow to judge and quick to forgive, show patience, empathy and love.
October 6, 2026 - Senate Comeback
A member of the Senate, known for his hot temper and acid tongue, exploded one day in mid-session and began to shout,
"Half of this Senate is made up of cowards and corrupt politicians!"
All the other Senators pleaded to the angry member that he withdraw his statement or be removed from the remainder of the session.
After a long pause, the angry member accepted.
"Ok" he said, "I withdraw what I said.
Half of this Senate is NOT made up of cowards and corrupt politicians!"
October 4, 2026 - Playing Through
A man was about to tee off on the golf course when he felt a tap on his shoulder and a man handed him a card that read, "I am a deaf mute. May I play through, please?"
The first man angrily gave the card back, and made it clear that, no, he may NOT play through, and that his handicap did not give him such a right.
The first man whacked the ball onto the green & left to finish the hole.
Just as he was about to put his ball into the hole he was hit in the head with a golf ball, laying him out cold.
When he came to, a few minutes later, he looked around and saw the deaf mute sternly looking at him, one hand on his hip, the other holding up 4 fingers.
October 3, 2026 - Weather Forecaster
To tell the weather, go to your back door and look for the dog.
If the dog is at the door and he is wet, it's probably raining.
But if the dog is standing there really soaking wet, it is probably raining really hard.
If the dog's fur looks like it's been rubbed the wrong way, it's probably windy.
If the dog has snow on his back, it's probably snowing.
Of course, to be able to tell the weather like this, you have to leave the dog outside all the time, especially if you expect bad weather.
Sincerely, The CAT
October 2, 2026 - Office Meetings
We will continue having meetings, everyday, until I find out why no work is getting done.
October 1, 2026 - Behavior Modification Reinforcers
The HMO account manager noticed that nearly every bill from a certain pediatrician’s office included the line item “Behavior modification reinforcers.”
Alarmed that the pediatrician was engaging in some unapproved, experimental psychological treatment, she called the physician’s office to inquire, “What on earth are behavior modification reinforcers?”
“Lollipops,” was the reply.
September 2026
Sept. 30, 2026 - Parent Education
On a flight to Florida, Mary was preparing notes for one of the parent education seminars she conducted.
The elderly woman sitting next to Mary explained that she was returning to Miami after having spent two weeks visiting her 6 children, 18 grandchildren and 10 great-grandchildren in Boston. Then she inquired what Mary did for a living.
Mary told her that she was an educational psychologist, fully expecting the elderly woman to question her for free professional advice.
Instead the elderly woman sat back and said, "If there's anything you want to know, just ask me."
Sept. 29, 2026 - Penny Problems
After tucking their three-year-old child Sammy in for bed one night, his parents heard sobbing coming from his room.
Rushing back in, they found him crying hysterically. He managed to tell them that he had swallowed a penny and he was sure he was going to die. No amount of talking was helping.
His father, in an attempt to calm him down, palmed a penny from his pocket and pretended to pull it from Sammy's ear. Sammy was delighted.
In a flash, he snatched it from his father's hand, swallowed, and then cheerfully demanded, "Do it again, Dad!"
Sept. 26, 2026 - The Hokey Pokey
With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week.
Larry LaPrise, the man that wrote "The Hokie Pokey" died peacefully at the age of 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin.
They put his left leg in. That's when the trouble started...
Sept. 25, 2026 - Strings Attached
Life is full of commitments: Even when you are born there is a string attached.
Sept. 24, 2026 - Johnny's Home
After the dedication service of his baby brother in church, little Johnny sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car.
His father asked him three times what was wrong.
Finally, the boy replied, "That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I wanted to stay with you guys."
Sept. 23, 2026 - Goal Update
No, I'm not going to give up trying to become The Invisible Man: Have I made myself clear?
Sept. 22, 2026 - The Law of the Garbage Truck
One day I hopped in a taxi and we took off for the airport. We were driving in the right lane when suddenly a black car jumped out of a parking space right in front of us.
My taxi driver slammed on his brakes, skidded, and missed the other car by just inches! The driver of the other car whipped his head around and started yelling at us. My taxi driver just smiled and waved at the guy. And I mean, he was really friendly.
So I asked, "Why did you just do that? That guy almost ruined your car and sent us to the hospital!"
This is when my taxi driver taught me what I now call, "The Law of the Garbage Truck."
He explained that many people are like garbage trucks. They run around full of garbage -- frustration, anger, disappointment. As their garbage piles up, they need a place to dump it and sometimes they'll dump it on you.
Don't take it personally. Just smile, wave, wish them well, and move on.
Don't take their garbage and spread it to other people at work, at home, or on the streets.
The bottom line is that successful people do not let garbage trucks take over their day. Love the people who treat you right. Pray for the ones who don't."
Sept. 19, 2026 - Check Your Bill
A corporate executive received a monthly bill from the law firm that was handling a big case for his company. It included hourly billing for conferences, research, phone calls, fax, photocopying, and everything but lunch hours.
Unhappy as he was, the executive knew that the company would have to pay for each of these services.
Then he noticed one item buried in the middle of the list:
"For crossing the street to talk to you, then discovering it wasn't you at all - $125."
Sept. 18, 2026 - Wedding Engagement
I realized that my five-year-old grandson had been watching too many reality TV shows the day we attended a relative's wedding.
As the four bridesmaids walked down the aisle toward the front of the church, he turned to me and asked,
"Is this where the groom decides which one he wants to marry?"
Sept. 17, 2026 - Amish At The Mall
An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall for the first time. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, "What is this, Father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room.
The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, 24-year-old blonde woman stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, "Go get your mother."
Sept. 16, 2026 - What's Your Religion?
I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. I immediately ran over and said "Stop! Don't do it!"
"Why shouldn't I?" he said.
I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!"
"Like what?"
"Well ... are you religious or atheist?"
"Religious."
"Me too! Are you Christian or Jewish?"
"Christian."
"Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?"
"Protestant."
"Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?"
"Baptist."
"Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?"
"Baptist Church of God."
"Me too! Are you Original Baptist Church of God, or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?"
"Reformed Baptist Church of God."
"Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915?"
"Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915!"
To which I said, "Die, heretic scum!" and pushed him off.
Sept. 15, 2026 - Bad Day at Work
This is even funnier when you realize it's real!
Next time you have a bad day at work, think of this guy. Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana. He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an e-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to radio station 103.2-FM in Ft. Wayne, Indiana, which was sponsoring a worst job experience contest. Needless to say, she won.
Hi Sue, just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all. Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job.
As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wet suit. This time of year the water is quite cool, so what we do to keep warm is this: we have a diesel-powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose.
Now this sounds like a pretty good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wet suit. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi.
Everything was going well, until all of a sudden, my rear end started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse.
Within a few seconds, it started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony, I realized what had happened.
The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into myself.
I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear because he and five other divers were all laughing hysterically. Needless to say, I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops, totaling thirty-five minutes, before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression.
When I arrived at the surface and climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it onto the affected area as soon as I got into the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but it took two days before I could sit down again.
So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved down your pants. Now repeat to yourself, "I love my job, I love my job, I love my job."
Now, whenever you have a bad day, ask yourself: Is this a jellyfish bad day?
September 12, 2026 - Bachelor's Cat
A bachelor kept a cat for companionship, and loved his cat more than life itself.
He was planning a trip to England and entrusted the cat to his brother's care. As soon as he arrived in England he called his brother.
"How is my cat?" he asked. "Your cat is dead," came the reply.
"Oh my," he exclaimed. "Did you have to tell me that way?"
"How else can I tell you your cat's dead?" inquired the brother.
"You should have led me up to it gradually," said the bachelor. "For an example, when I called tonight you could have told me my cat was on the roof, but the Fire Department is getting it down. When I called tomorrow night, you could have told me that they dropped him and broke his back, but a fine surgeon is doing all he can for him. Then, when I called the third night, you could have told me the surgeon did all he could but my cat passed away. That way it wouldn't have been such a shock."
"By the way," he continued, "how's Mother?"
"Mother?" came the reply. "Oh, she's up on the roof, but the Fire Department is getting her down."
September 11, 2026 - Troublemakers
After the revival had concluded, the three pastors were discussing the results with one another.
The Methodist minister said, "The revival worked out great for us! We gained 4 new families."
The Baptist preacher said, "We did better than that! We gained 6 new families."
The Presbyterian pastor said, "Well, we did even better than that! We got rid of our 10 biggest trouble makers!
September 10, 2026 - Seriously Hurt?
A policeman arrives at the scene of an accident, in which a car smashed into a tree.
The officer rushes over to the vehicle and asks the driver, "Are you seriously hurt?"
"How do I know?" the driver responds. "I'm not a lawyer."
September 9, 2026 - How Many Dogs Does It Take To Change A Light Bulb?
Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned-out light bulb?
Border Collie: Just one. And I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.
Dachshund: I can't reach the stupid lamp!
Toy Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.
Rottweiler: Go Ahead! Make me!
Shi-tzu: Puh-leeze, dah-ling. Let the servants. . . .
Lab: Oh, me, me!!! Pleeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Can I?
Malamute: Let the Border collie do it.. You can feed me while he's busy.
Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.
Doberman Pinscher: While it's dark, I'm going to sleep on the couch.
Mastiff: Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark.
Hound Dog: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.
Pointer: I see it, there it is, right there...
Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?
Australian Shepherd: Put all the light bulbs in a little circle...
Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? Light bulb? That thing I just ate was a light bulb?
September 8, 2026 - General Store
"I went to a general store, but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific."
September 6, 2026 - North Americans, Character, Hypocrisy
We yell for the Government to balance the budget, then take the last dime we have to make the down payment on a car that will take 5 years to pay off.
We demand speed laws that will stop fast driving, then won't buy a car if it can't go over 100 miles an hour.
We know the line-up of every baseball team in the American and National Leagues but mumble through half the words our national athems.
We'll spend half a day looking for vitamin pills to make us live longer, then drive 90 miles an hour on slick pavement to make up for lost time.
We tie up our dog while letting our sixteen year old son run wild.
We will work hard on a farm so we can move into town where we can make more money so we can move back to the farm.
We get upset we're spending over a billion dollars for education, but spend three billion dollars a year for cigarettes.
In the office we talk about baseball, shopping or fishing, but when we are out at the game, the mall or on the lake, we talk about business.
We're supposed to be the most civilized Christian place on earth, but we still can't deliver payrolls without an armored car.
We have more experts on marriage than any other country in the world and still have more divorces.
We have more food to eat than anywhere in the world and more diets to keep us from eating it.
September 5, 2026 - Passed Note
A nearsighted minister glanced at the note that Mrs. Jones had sent to him by an usher.
The note read: "Bill Jones having gone to sea, his wife desires the prayers of the congregation for his safety."
Failing to observe the punctuation, he startled his audience by announcing:
"Bill Jones, having gone to see his wife, desires the prayers of the congregation for his safety."
September 4, 2026 - Brown Paper
A sheriff walks into a saloon and shouts for everyone's attention. "Has anyone seen Brown Paper Jake?" he asks.
"What's he look like?" asks one shoddy-looking cowboy.
"Well", replies the Sheriff, "he wears a brown paper hat, a brown paper waistcoat, a brown paper shirt, brown paper boots, brown paper pants, and a brown paper jacket."
"So what's he wanted for?" asks the same cowboy.
"Rustlin'."
September 3, 2026 - Possessions, Wealth
Two elderly gentlemen met up on the way to the funeral of one of their longtime buddies.
The deceased was thought to have accumulated much wealth. On the way to the cemetery, one old fellow asked the other, "How much did he leave?"
The other old fellow replied, "All of it."
September 2, 2026 - Tiny Colonel
A guy walked into a tavern and sat down on a barstool. He ordered a beer and a shot glass of whiskey. The bartender was surprised to see him place the shot glass into the pocket of his overcoat. The man proceeded to drink his beer, then reached into his coat pocket and removed the shot glass, empty.
He ordered another beer and shot glass of whiskey, and again placed the shot glass into his coat pocket. Again he removed the glass empty, then ordered another round.
Overcome by curiosity, the bartender asked the man why he kept putting the shot glass into his pocket.
"Oh," he said, "that's for the Colonel?"
"The Colonel? Who's the Colonel?"
The man reached into his pocket and removed a little man, about 12 inches high, dressed in the uniform of a British army colonel. He placed the little man on the counter.
"Is he real?" asked the bartender.
"Sure he's real. Colonel, would you mind walking up and down the bar a little way?"
The little colonel marched briskly a few feet up the bar and turned around, then marched back to where the man sat. "That's the most amazing thing I've ever seen! Can he talk too?"
"Of course he can talk," said the man.
"Colonel, why don't you tell him about the time that you were stationed in Africa and called that witch doctor a liar?
On a flight to Florida, Mary was preparing notes for one of the parent education seminars she conducted.
The elderly woman sitting next to Mary explained that she was returning to Miami after having spent two weeks visiting her 6 children, 18 grandchildren and 10 great-grandchildren in Boston. Then she inquired what Mary did for a living.
Mary told her that she was an educational psychologist, fully expecting the elderly woman to question her for free professional advice.
Instead the elderly woman sat back and said, "If there's anything you want to know, just ask me."
Sept. 29, 2026 - Penny Problems
After tucking their three-year-old child Sammy in for bed one night, his parents heard sobbing coming from his room.
Rushing back in, they found him crying hysterically. He managed to tell them that he had swallowed a penny and he was sure he was going to die. No amount of talking was helping.
His father, in an attempt to calm him down, palmed a penny from his pocket and pretended to pull it from Sammy's ear. Sammy was delighted.
In a flash, he snatched it from his father's hand, swallowed, and then cheerfully demanded, "Do it again, Dad!"
Sept. 26, 2026 - The Hokey Pokey
With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week.
Larry LaPrise, the man that wrote "The Hokie Pokey" died peacefully at the age of 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin.
They put his left leg in. That's when the trouble started...
Sept. 25, 2026 - Strings Attached
Life is full of commitments: Even when you are born there is a string attached.
Sept. 24, 2026 - Johnny's Home
After the dedication service of his baby brother in church, little Johnny sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car.
His father asked him three times what was wrong.
Finally, the boy replied, "That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I wanted to stay with you guys."
Sept. 23, 2026 - Goal Update
No, I'm not going to give up trying to become The Invisible Man: Have I made myself clear?
Sept. 22, 2026 - The Law of the Garbage Truck
One day I hopped in a taxi and we took off for the airport. We were driving in the right lane when suddenly a black car jumped out of a parking space right in front of us.
My taxi driver slammed on his brakes, skidded, and missed the other car by just inches! The driver of the other car whipped his head around and started yelling at us. My taxi driver just smiled and waved at the guy. And I mean, he was really friendly.
So I asked, "Why did you just do that? That guy almost ruined your car and sent us to the hospital!"
This is when my taxi driver taught me what I now call, "The Law of the Garbage Truck."
He explained that many people are like garbage trucks. They run around full of garbage -- frustration, anger, disappointment. As their garbage piles up, they need a place to dump it and sometimes they'll dump it on you.
Don't take it personally. Just smile, wave, wish them well, and move on.
Don't take their garbage and spread it to other people at work, at home, or on the streets.
The bottom line is that successful people do not let garbage trucks take over their day. Love the people who treat you right. Pray for the ones who don't."
Sept. 19, 2026 - Check Your Bill
A corporate executive received a monthly bill from the law firm that was handling a big case for his company. It included hourly billing for conferences, research, phone calls, fax, photocopying, and everything but lunch hours.
Unhappy as he was, the executive knew that the company would have to pay for each of these services.
Then he noticed one item buried in the middle of the list:
"For crossing the street to talk to you, then discovering it wasn't you at all - $125."
Sept. 18, 2026 - Wedding Engagement
I realized that my five-year-old grandson had been watching too many reality TV shows the day we attended a relative's wedding.
As the four bridesmaids walked down the aisle toward the front of the church, he turned to me and asked,
"Is this where the groom decides which one he wants to marry?"
Sept. 17, 2026 - Amish At The Mall
An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall for the first time. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, "What is this, Father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room.
The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, 24-year-old blonde woman stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, "Go get your mother."
Sept. 16, 2026 - What's Your Religion?
I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. I immediately ran over and said "Stop! Don't do it!"
"Why shouldn't I?" he said.
I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!"
"Like what?"
"Well ... are you religious or atheist?"
"Religious."
"Me too! Are you Christian or Jewish?"
"Christian."
"Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?"
"Protestant."
"Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?"
"Baptist."
"Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?"
"Baptist Church of God."
"Me too! Are you Original Baptist Church of God, or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?"
"Reformed Baptist Church of God."
"Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915?"
"Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915!"
To which I said, "Die, heretic scum!" and pushed him off.
Sept. 15, 2026 - Bad Day at Work
This is even funnier when you realize it's real!
Next time you have a bad day at work, think of this guy. Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana. He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an e-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to radio station 103.2-FM in Ft. Wayne, Indiana, which was sponsoring a worst job experience contest. Needless to say, she won.
Hi Sue, just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all. Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job.
As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wet suit. This time of year the water is quite cool, so what we do to keep warm is this: we have a diesel-powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose.
Now this sounds like a pretty good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wet suit. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi.
Everything was going well, until all of a sudden, my rear end started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse.
Within a few seconds, it started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony, I realized what had happened.
The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into myself.
I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear because he and five other divers were all laughing hysterically. Needless to say, I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops, totaling thirty-five minutes, before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression.
When I arrived at the surface and climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it onto the affected area as soon as I got into the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but it took two days before I could sit down again.
So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved down your pants. Now repeat to yourself, "I love my job, I love my job, I love my job."
Now, whenever you have a bad day, ask yourself: Is this a jellyfish bad day?
September 12, 2026 - Bachelor's Cat
A bachelor kept a cat for companionship, and loved his cat more than life itself.
He was planning a trip to England and entrusted the cat to his brother's care. As soon as he arrived in England he called his brother.
"How is my cat?" he asked. "Your cat is dead," came the reply.
"Oh my," he exclaimed. "Did you have to tell me that way?"
"How else can I tell you your cat's dead?" inquired the brother.
"You should have led me up to it gradually," said the bachelor. "For an example, when I called tonight you could have told me my cat was on the roof, but the Fire Department is getting it down. When I called tomorrow night, you could have told me that they dropped him and broke his back, but a fine surgeon is doing all he can for him. Then, when I called the third night, you could have told me the surgeon did all he could but my cat passed away. That way it wouldn't have been such a shock."
"By the way," he continued, "how's Mother?"
"Mother?" came the reply. "Oh, she's up on the roof, but the Fire Department is getting her down."
September 11, 2026 - Troublemakers
After the revival had concluded, the three pastors were discussing the results with one another.
The Methodist minister said, "The revival worked out great for us! We gained 4 new families."
The Baptist preacher said, "We did better than that! We gained 6 new families."
The Presbyterian pastor said, "Well, we did even better than that! We got rid of our 10 biggest trouble makers!
September 10, 2026 - Seriously Hurt?
A policeman arrives at the scene of an accident, in which a car smashed into a tree.
The officer rushes over to the vehicle and asks the driver, "Are you seriously hurt?"
"How do I know?" the driver responds. "I'm not a lawyer."
September 9, 2026 - How Many Dogs Does It Take To Change A Light Bulb?
Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned-out light bulb?
Border Collie: Just one. And I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.
Dachshund: I can't reach the stupid lamp!
Toy Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.
Rottweiler: Go Ahead! Make me!
Shi-tzu: Puh-leeze, dah-ling. Let the servants. . . .
Lab: Oh, me, me!!! Pleeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Can I?
Malamute: Let the Border collie do it.. You can feed me while he's busy.
Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.
Doberman Pinscher: While it's dark, I'm going to sleep on the couch.
Mastiff: Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark.
Hound Dog: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.
Pointer: I see it, there it is, right there...
Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?
Australian Shepherd: Put all the light bulbs in a little circle...
Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? Light bulb? That thing I just ate was a light bulb?
September 8, 2026 - General Store
"I went to a general store, but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific."
September 6, 2026 - North Americans, Character, Hypocrisy
We yell for the Government to balance the budget, then take the last dime we have to make the down payment on a car that will take 5 years to pay off.
We demand speed laws that will stop fast driving, then won't buy a car if it can't go over 100 miles an hour.
We know the line-up of every baseball team in the American and National Leagues but mumble through half the words our national athems.
We'll spend half a day looking for vitamin pills to make us live longer, then drive 90 miles an hour on slick pavement to make up for lost time.
We tie up our dog while letting our sixteen year old son run wild.
We will work hard on a farm so we can move into town where we can make more money so we can move back to the farm.
We get upset we're spending over a billion dollars for education, but spend three billion dollars a year for cigarettes.
In the office we talk about baseball, shopping or fishing, but when we are out at the game, the mall or on the lake, we talk about business.
We're supposed to be the most civilized Christian place on earth, but we still can't deliver payrolls without an armored car.
We have more experts on marriage than any other country in the world and still have more divorces.
We have more food to eat than anywhere in the world and more diets to keep us from eating it.
September 5, 2026 - Passed Note
A nearsighted minister glanced at the note that Mrs. Jones had sent to him by an usher.
The note read: "Bill Jones having gone to sea, his wife desires the prayers of the congregation for his safety."
Failing to observe the punctuation, he startled his audience by announcing:
"Bill Jones, having gone to see his wife, desires the prayers of the congregation for his safety."
September 4, 2026 - Brown Paper
A sheriff walks into a saloon and shouts for everyone's attention. "Has anyone seen Brown Paper Jake?" he asks.
"What's he look like?" asks one shoddy-looking cowboy.
"Well", replies the Sheriff, "he wears a brown paper hat, a brown paper waistcoat, a brown paper shirt, brown paper boots, brown paper pants, and a brown paper jacket."
"So what's he wanted for?" asks the same cowboy.
"Rustlin'."
September 3, 2026 - Possessions, Wealth
Two elderly gentlemen met up on the way to the funeral of one of their longtime buddies.
The deceased was thought to have accumulated much wealth. On the way to the cemetery, one old fellow asked the other, "How much did he leave?"
The other old fellow replied, "All of it."
September 2, 2026 - Tiny Colonel
A guy walked into a tavern and sat down on a barstool. He ordered a beer and a shot glass of whiskey. The bartender was surprised to see him place the shot glass into the pocket of his overcoat. The man proceeded to drink his beer, then reached into his coat pocket and removed the shot glass, empty.
He ordered another beer and shot glass of whiskey, and again placed the shot glass into his coat pocket. Again he removed the glass empty, then ordered another round.
Overcome by curiosity, the bartender asked the man why he kept putting the shot glass into his pocket.
"Oh," he said, "that's for the Colonel?"
"The Colonel? Who's the Colonel?"
The man reached into his pocket and removed a little man, about 12 inches high, dressed in the uniform of a British army colonel. He placed the little man on the counter.
"Is he real?" asked the bartender.
"Sure he's real. Colonel, would you mind walking up and down the bar a little way?"
The little colonel marched briskly a few feet up the bar and turned around, then marched back to where the man sat. "That's the most amazing thing I've ever seen! Can he talk too?"
"Of course he can talk," said the man.
"Colonel, why don't you tell him about the time that you were stationed in Africa and called that witch doctor a liar?
August 2026
August 29, 2026 - Mistakes
If an engineer makes a mistake,
It is a new venture!
If a scientist makes a mistake,
It is a new invention!
If an explorer makes a mistake,
It's a new discovery!
If a driver makes a mistake,
It is an accident!
If a politician makes a mistake
It is a new law!
If a professor makes a mistake,
It is a new theory!
If a hairstylist makes a mistake,
It's a new style!
If a tailor makes a mistake,
It is a new fashion!
If parents make a mistake,
It is a new generation!
If the boss makes a mistake,
It is our mistake!
If an employee makes a mistake,
Now, *that* is a "MISTAKE!"
August 28, 2026 - Country Puddle
A man traveling down a country road was forced to stop before a giant puddle covering the entire road. Looking to the side of the road, the man noticed a farmer leaning on a fence. "Think it's safe to cross?" the man asked.
"I reckon so," replied the farmer.
The car was immediately swallowed by the puddle as the man drove in. In fact, it was so deep that he had to roll his window down to swim out of his car back to the surface.
As his head broke the surface the man said to the farmer, "I thought you said I could safely drive through this puddle!"
"Well, golly!" said the farmer, scratching his head.
"It only come up chest-high on my ducks!"
Politically Correct Light Bulb
"How many politically-correct people does it take to screw in a light-bulb?"
"Look, I don't know, but that's not funny."
August 27, 2026 - Critical Thinker
My wife complains that I over-analyze everything but these graphs & charts show that I don't.
August 26, 2026 - Do Not Talk To My Parrot
Mrs. Lonefold's dishwasher quit working, so she called a repairman.
He couldn't accommodate her with an evening appointment, and, since she had to go to work the next day, she told him: "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you the check. By the way, don't worry about my Rottweiler. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do not under *any* circumstances talk to my parrot!"
When the repairman arrived at Mrs. Lonefold's apartment the next day, he discovered the biggest and meanest looking Rottweiler he had ever seen.
But, just like she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet, watching the repairman go about his business.
However, the whole time he was there, the parrot drove him nuts with incessant cursing, yelling, and name-calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled: "Shut up, you stupid ugly bird!!"
To which the parrot replied: "GET HIM, Brutus!!"
August 25, 2026 - Paid For
My wife and I, both graduate students, recently celebrated the arrival of our first child. At my wife's insistence, we had paid our entire medical bill and were now worried about meeting other payments.
We were discussing our sad financial situation one evening when our son demanded a diaper change. As my wife leaned over the baby's crib, I heard her mutter, "The only thing in the house that's paid for, and it leaks."
August 22, 2026 - Helicopter Ride
Buddy and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year, and every year Buddy would say, "Edna, I'd like to ride in that helicopter."
Edna always replied, "I know Buddy, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks."
One year Buddy and Edna went to the fair, and Buddy said, "Edna, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance."
To this, Edna replied, "Buddy, that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks."
The pilot overheard the couple and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word, I won't charge you a penny! But if you say one word it's fifty dollars."
Buddy and Edna agreed and up they went.
The pilot did all kinds of crazy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, trying to elicit even a peep, but still not a word!
When they landed, the pilot turned to Buddy and said, "By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I am impressed!"
Buddy replied, "Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Edna fell out, but you know, fifty bucks is fifty bucks!"
August 21, 2026 - Things Not To Say To On Date
* I really don't like this restaurant that much, but I wanted to use this 2-for-1 coupon before it expired.
* I refuse to get cable. That's how they keep tabs on you.
* I used to come here all the time with my ex.
* I never said you NEED a nose job. I just said it wouldn't hurt to consider it.
* Could you excuse me? My cat gets lonely if he doesn't hear my voice on the answering machine every hour.
* I really feel that I've grown in the past few years. Used to be I wouldn't have given someone like you a second look.
* And I won that trophy in the inter-fraternity leg hair contest.
* I know you said you don't eat anything with a face. But a good butcher will cut that part off for you if you ask.
* It's been tough, but I've come to accept that most people I date just won't be as smart as I am.
August 20, 2026 - Lost Cell Phone
When a customer left his cell phone in my store, I scrolled through his saved numbers, stopped at "Mom" and pushed send. His mother answered, and I told her what happened.
"Don't worry," she said, "I'll take care of it."
A few minutes later, the cell phone rang. It was "Mom."
"Martin," she said, "you left your cell phone at the convenience store."
August 19, 2026 - A Man With Few Words
Once upon a time there was a prince who, through no fault of his own, was cast under a spell by an evil witch. The curse was that the prince could speak only one word each year.
However, he could save up the words so that if he did not speak for a whole year, the following year he was allowed to speak two words.
One day he met a beautiful princess (ruby lips, golden hair, sapphire eyes) and fell madly in love. With the greatest difficulty he decided to refrain from speaking for two whole years so that he could look at her and say, "My darling."
But at the end of the two years he wished to tell her that he loved her. Because of this he waited three more years without speaking (bringing the total number of silent years to five).
But at the end of these five years he realized that he had to ask her to marry him. So he waited ANOTHER four years without speaking.
Finally as the ninth year of silence ended, his joy knew no bounds. Leading the lovely princess to the most secluded and romantic place in that beautiful royal garden the prince heaped a hundred red roses on her lap, knelt before her, and taking her hand in his, said huskily, "My darling, I love you! Will you marry me?"
The princess tucked a strand of golden hair behind a dainty ear, opened her sapphire eyes in wonder, and parting her ruby lips, said: "Pardon?"
August 18, 2026 - Crime Stories
IN THE BAG
A "tourist," supposedly on a golf holiday, stood in line at the customs counter. While making idle chatter, the customs official thought it odd that the golfer didn't know what a handicap was. The officer then asked the tourist to demonstrate his swing. He did - backwards. A substantial amount of narcotics were found in the golf bag.
MADE FOR TV
Guns For Hire, an Arizona company specializing in staged gunfights for Western movies, got a call from a 47-year-old woman who wanted to have her husband shot. She was sentenced to four years in jail.
DO YOU ACCEPT CREDIT CARDS?
A Texan convicted of robbery worked out a deal to pay $9600 in damages rather than serve a two-year prison sentence. For payment, he provided the court a forged check. He got his prison term back, plus eight more years.
DEADHEADS
A man in Orange County Municipal Court had been ticketed for driving alone in the carpool lane. He claimed that the four frozen cadavers in the mortuary van he was driving should be counted. The judged ruled that passengers must be alive to qualify.
THIS WOULD BE ME
The judge called the case of People vs. Steven Lewon Crook. The bailiff opened the door to the holding cell and called, "Crook, come forward." Five of the prisoners entered the courtroom.
LEARN YOUR LESSON
When asked for her occupation, a woman charged with a traffic violation said she was a schoolteacher. The judge rose from the bench. "Madam, I have waited years for a schoolteacher to appear before this court," he smiled with delight. "Now sit down at that table and write 'I will not pass through a red light' five hundred times."
AHH, THAT'S BETTER!
A judge in Louisville decided a jury went "a little bit too far" in recommending a sentence of 5,005 years for a man who was convicted of five robberies and a kidnapping. The judge reduced the sentence to 1,001 years.
August 15, 2026 - Coyote Solution
Environmentalists and the U.S. Forest Service were presenting an alternative to Wyoming ranchers for controlling the coyote population.
It seems that after years of the ranchers using the tried and true method of shooting or trapping the predators, the environmentalists had a "more humane" solution to this issue. What they were proposing was for the animals to be captured alive. The males would then be castrated and let loose again.
All of the ranchers thought about this amazing idea for a couple of minutes. Finally an old fellow wearing a big cowboy hat in the back of the conference room stood up, tipped his hat back and said; "Son, I don't think you understand our problem here... these coyotes ain't mating with our sheep... they're eatin' 'em!"
The meeting never really got back to order.
August 14, 2026 -You've Been in Corporate America Too Long When...
1. You ask the waiter what the restaurant's core competencies are.
2. You decide to re-organize your family into a "team-based organization."
3. You refer to dating as test marketing.
4. You can spell "paradigm."
5. You actually know what a paradigm is.
6. You understand your airline's fare structure.
7. You write executive summaries on your love letters.
8. Your Valentine's Day cards have bullet points.
9. You think that it's actually efficient to write a ten-page presentation with six other people you don't know.
10. You celebrate your wedding anniversary by conducting a performance review.
11. You believe you never have any problems in your life, just "issues" and "improvement opportunities."
12. You calculate your own personal cost of capital.
13. You explain to your bank manager that you prefer to think of yourself as "highly leveraged" as opposed to "in debt."
14. You end every argument by saying "let's talk about this off-line."
15. You can explain to somebody the difference between "re-engineering," "down-sizing," "right-sizing," and "firing people."
16. You talk to the waiter about process flow when dinner arrives late.
17. You refer to your spouse as "my Co-CEO."
18. You start to feel sorry for Dilbert's boss.
19. You believe the best tables and graphs take an hour to comprehend.
20. You account for your tuition as a capital expenditure instead of an expense.
21. You insist that you do some more market research before you and your spouse produce another child.
22. You use the term "value-added" without falling down laughing.
August 13, 2026 -Cooking Deadline
I'll have to find a new way to strain noodles if this is the last year I can use my Mayan Colander.
August 12, 2026 -Hebrews 12:1, Perseverance
An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy.
He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull!" Buddy didn't move.
Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy didn't respond.
Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Coco, pull!" Nothing.
Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.
The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.
The farmer said, "Oh, Buddy is blind, and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try!"
"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us."
August 11, 2026 - Sympathy and Compassion
While I sat in the reception area of my doctor's office, a woman rolled an elderly man in a wheelchair into the room.
As she went to the receptionist's desk, the man sat there, alone and silent.
Just as I was thinking I should make small talk with him, a little boy slipped off his mother's lap and walked over to the wheelchair.
Placing his hand on the man's, he said, "I know how you feel. My mom makes me ride in the stroller, too."
August 8, 2026 - Hospital Request
When my wife had to rush to the hospital unexpectedly, she asked me to bring her a few items from home. One item on her list was "comfortable underwear."
Not sure what she considers comfortable, I asked, "How will I know which ones to pick?"
"Hold them up and imagine them on me," she answered. "If you smile, put them back."
August 7, 2026 - Do Not Disturb
After a worship service at First Baptist Church in Newcastle, Kentucky, a mother with a fidgety seven-year-old boy told me how she finally got her son to sit still and be quiet.
About halfway through the sermon, she leaned over and whispered, "If you don't be quiet, Pastor Charlton is going to lose his place and will have to start his sermon all over again!"
It worked.
August 6, 2026 - Pulled Over
A cop pulled me over and said, "Papers" to which I replied, "Scissors" and drove away.
Get Along
A cowboy walked into a pet store and asked to buy a Dachsund.
The store clerk asked why he chose that breed and the cowboy replied,
"Because someone told him to "get a long little doggy."
August 5, 2026 - Cloud 8
Two angels are talking on Cloud #8 when one says,
"Well yes, I am happy but I COULD be happier...."
August 4, 2026 - Smoking and Praying
Jack and Max are walking from religious service. Jack wonders whether it would be all right to smoke while praying.
Max replies, "Why don't you ask the Priest?"
So Jack goes up to the Priest and asks, " Father, may I smoke while I pray?"
The Priest replies, "No, my son, you may not! That's utter disrespect to our religion."
Jack goes back to his friend and tells him what the good Priest told him.
Max says, "I'm not surprised. You asked the wrong question. Let me try."
And so Max goes up to the Priest and asks, "Father, may I pray while I smoke ?"
To which the Priest eagerly replies, "By all means, my son. By all means. You can always pray whenever you want to."
August 1, 2026 - Four Waiting Fathers
Four expectant fathers were in a Minnesota hospital waiting room while their wives were in labor.
The nurse comes in and tells the first man, "Congratulations, You're the father of twins."
"What a coincidence!" the man exclaims. "I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team!"
The nurse returns a short while later and tells the second man, "You are the father of triplets."
"Wow, what a coincidence!" he replies. "I work for the 3M Corporation."
When the nurse comes again, she tells the third man that his wife has given birth to quadruplets.
"Another coincidence!" he tells her. "I work for the Four Seasons Hotel!"
At this point, the fourth guy faints. When he comes to, the others ask him what was wrong.
He moans, "I work for Seven-Eleven!"
July 2026
July 31, 2026 - Antique Tents
Once a year, the collectors of antique tents in Germany get together for a rally.
Last year, the organizers decided to hold it in Meinz. Unfortunately, the local burghers took a dim view of so great an influx
of tourists ruining their turf with tent pegs. The citizens organized themselves so thoroughly that they even had an anthem:
"Let Old and Quaint Tents Be Forgot and Never Brought to Meinz!"
July 30, 2026 - Newlywed Compromise
For our first New Year's together as a married couple, my wife offered me a choice of pumpkin pie, cheesecake or orange-date cake.
"Pumpkin pie," I requested.
"We've been eating pumpkin pie since Thanksgiving," Nancy protested. "Can't you choose something else?"
"Okay," I replied, "how about cheesecake?"
Making a face, Nancy said, "After all that rich food you ate over Christmas, surely you don't want cheesecake."
Recognizing my limited options, I then selected orange-date cake.
"Oh, I'm glad you chose that one," Nancy said. "Orange-date cake is a New Year's tradition in our family."
July 29, 2026 - Helpful Mechanic
Sally told her friend, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off, so I was relieved when he told me all I needed was blinker fluid."
July 28, 2026 - Forgotten Teeth
A dinner speaker was in such a hurry to get to his engagement that when he arrived and sat down at the head table, he suddenly realized that he had forgotten his false teeth. Turning to the man next to him, he complained, "I forgot my teeth, what am I going to do now!?"
The man said, "No problem." He reached into his pocket and pulled out a pair of false teeth. "Try these," he said.
The speaker tried them on. "Too loose," he said. The man then said, "I have another pair -- try these."
The speaker tried them on and responded, "Too tight." The man was not taken back at all.
He said, "I have one more pair. Try them."
The speaker said, "They fit perfectly." With that, he ate his meal and gave his speech.
After the dinner meeting was over, the speaker went to thank the man who had helped him. "I want to thank you for coming to my aid. Where is your office? I've been looking for a good dentist."
The man replied, "I'm not a dentist. I'm an undertaker."
July 25, 2026 - Mother-In-Law Paging
When my demanding mother-in-law found out that I had a pager, I knew that she would buzz me a hundred times a day.
I told her that when she calls she could save time by spelling out "M-O-M" on the phone.
So whenever my pager goes off and it says "666", I know it's her.
July 24, 2026 - Prayer Positions
Three preachers sat discussing the best positions for prayer, while a telephone repairman worked nearby.
"Kneeling is definitely best," claimed one.
"No," another contended. "I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven."
"You're both wrong," the third insisted. "The most effective prayer position is lying prostrate, face down on the floor."
The repairman could contain himself no longer.
"Hey, fellas," he interrupted, "the best prayin' I ever did was hangin' upside down from a telephone pole."
July 23, 2026 - Car Repair
My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
July 22, 2026 - Choosing Sides
At a White House dinner, a churchman offered a benediction and closed with the pious affirmation: "The Lord is on our side."
When President Lincoln did not respond to this sentiment, someone asked him, "Don't you believe, Mr. President, that the Lord is always on the side of the right?"
"I am not concerned about that," was Lincoln's answer, "for we know that the Lord is always on the side of the right. My concern is that I and this nation should be on the Lord's side."
July 21, 2026 - Servicemen Foot Race
Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood.
They parked their truck the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end. At the last house, a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter.
Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger co-worker to a foot race down the alley back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one.
As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped and asked her what was wrong.
Gasping for breath, she replied, "When I saw two men from the gas company running as hard as you two were, I figured I'd better run too!"
July 18, 2026 - Coffee Cake
A former roommate baked a coffee cake and asked me to sample it.
It was pretty tasty but I asked her what the small crunchy things were in the cake. She said the recipe called for 2 cups of strong coffee.
You guessed it. She put two cups of pure coffee in - not perked coffee!!! Quite a buzzzzzzzz from that cake.
July 17, 2026 - Tough Teacher
A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all.
On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work.
When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took the desk stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.
Discipline was not a problem from that day forth!
July 16, 2026 - Synthetic Diamond
An Irishman by the name of O'Mally proposed to his girl on St. Patrick's Day. He gave her a ring with a synthetic diamond. The excited young lass showed it to her father, a jeweler. He took one look at it and saw it wasn't real.
The young lass, on learning it wasn't real, returned to her future husband and protested vehemently about his cheapness.
"It was in honor of St. Patrick's Day," he smiled. "I gave you a sham rock."
July 15, 2026 - Interview Excerpts
The following, allegedly, are actual post-interview excerpts collected from middle managers who, needless to say, probably did not hire any of the people mentioned here:
1. "Applicant stretched out on the floor to fill out the job application."
2. "She wore a Walkman and said she could listen to me and the music at the same time."
3. "A balding candidate abruptly excused himself. Returned to office a few minutes later, wearing a hairpiece."
4. "Applicant asked to see interviewer's resume to see if the personnel executive was qualified to judge the candidate."
5. "Applicant announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and french fries in the interviewer's office - wiping the ketchup on her sleeve."
6. "Stated that, if he were hired, he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm."
7. "Interrupted to phone his therapist for advice on answering specific interview questions."
8. "When I asked him about his hobbies, he stood up and started tap dancing around my office."
9. "At the end of the interview, while I stood there dumbstruck, he went through my purse, took out a brush, brushed his hair, and left."
10. "Applicant pulled out a Polaroid camera and snapped a flash picture of me. Said he collected photos of everyone who interviewed him."
11. "Said he wasn't interested because the position paid too much."
12. "During the interview, an alarm clock went off from the candidate's briefcase. He took it out, shut it off, apologized and said he had to leave for another interview."
13. "A telephone call came in for the job applicant. It was from his wife. His side of the conversation went like this: "Which company? When do I start? What's the salary?" I said, "I assume you're not interested in conducting the interview any farther."
July 14, 2026 - Flag Opinion
On this day in 1774 Betsy Ross asked a group of colonists for their opinion of the flag she had made.
This was the first ever flag poll.
July 11, 2026 - Pond Surprise
This fella had owned this large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back yard and had it fixed up nice with picnic tables, horse shoe pits, a basketball court, etc.
The pond was fixed for swimming when it was built. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond as he hadn't been there for a while and look it over. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
The old man replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim or to get you out of the pond, I only came to feed my Gators!"
July 10, 2026 - The Concerns of a Mouse
"What food might this contain?" The mouse wondered. He was devastated to discover it was a mousetrap.
Retreating to the farmyard, the mouse proclaimed this warning:
"There is a mousetrap in the house! There is a mousetrap in the house!"
The chicken clucked and scratched, raised her head and said, "Mr. Mouse, I can tell this is a grave concern to you, but it is of no consequence to me. I cannot be bothered by it."
The mouse turned to the pig and told him, "There is a mousetrap in the house! There is a mousetrap in the house!"
The pig sympathized, but said, "I am so very sorry, Mr. Mouse, but there is nothing I can do about it."
The mouse turned to the cow and said, "There is a mousetrap in the house! There is a mousetrap in the house!"
The cow said, "Wow, Mr. Mouse. I'm sorry for you, but it's no skin off my nose."
So, the mouse returned to the house, head down and dejected, to face the farmer's mousetrap . . . alone.
That very night a sound was heard throughout the house - the sound of a mousetrap catching its prey.
The farmer's wife rushed to see what was caught.
In the darkness, she did not see it.
It was a venomous snake whose tail was caught in the trap.
The snake bit the farmer's wife.
The farmer rushed her to the hospital. When she returned home she still had a fever.
Everyone knows you treat a fever with fresh chicken soup. So the farmer took his hatchet to the farmyard for the soup's main ingredient:
But his wife's sickness continued.
Friends and neighbors came to sit with her around the clock. To feed them, the farmer butchered the pig.
But, alas, the farmer's wife did not get well . . . she died.
So many people came for her funeral that the farmer had the cow slaughtered to provide enough meat for all of them for the
funeral luncheon..
And the mouse looked upon it all from his crack in the wall with great sadness.
So, the next time you hear someone is facing a problem and you think it doesn't concern you, remember: When one of us is threatened, we are all at risk. We are all involved in this journey called life. We must keep an eye out for one another and make an extra effort to encourage one another…
July 9, 2026 - The ABC Song
Customer: “Hey, can you help me find this book?”
Me: “Sure.”
(He holds up a piece of paper with the title and author of a book on it. I find it on the shelves and hand it to him.)
Customer: “Thanks! How’d you do that so fast?”
Me: “Well, I’ve worked here awhile, and the books are all in alphabetical order by author’s name.”
Customer: “What do you mean?”
Me: “Alphabetical order. Like the alphabet song? You know, A’s before B’s?”
(He looks confused, but then widens his eyes.)
Customer: “The letters actually go in that order? I thought that song was just to remember them all!”
July 8, 2026 - Ambulance Evaluation
Two paramedics were dispatched to check on a 92-year-old man who had become disoriented. They decided to take him to the hospital for evaluation.
En route, with siren going, they questioned the man to determine his level of awareness. Leaning close, one asked, "Sir, do you know what we're doing right now?"
The old man slowly looked up at him, then gazed out the ambulance window. "Oh," he replied, "I'd say about 50, maybe 55."
July 7, 2026 - Camouflage
"Thought I'd buy some my wife some camouflage pants the other day but I couldn't find any."
July 4, 2026 - Gnashing of Teeth
A preacher of the old school was describing the events of Judgement Day and, of course, he used
Biblical phraseology whenever he could.
"Oh, my friends," he intoned, "imagine the suffering of the sinners as they find themselves cast into the outer darkness, removed from the presence of the Lord and given to eternal flames. My friends, at such a time there will be weeping, wailing and a great gnashing of teeth!"
At this point, one of the elders of the congregation interrupted to say, "But Reverend, what if one of those hopeless sinners has no teeth?"
The preacher crashed his fist on the pulpit, "My friends, the Lord is not put out by details. Rest assured... teeth will be provided!"
July 3, 2026 - Driving Test
You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left hand side there is a valley and on your right hand side there is a fire engine travelling at the same speed as you.
In front of you there is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it.
Behind you there is a helicopter flying at ground level.
Both the giant pig and the helicopter are travelling at the same speed as you.
What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?
Get off the merry-go-round - you're drunk!
July 2, 2026 - Charity
Dewey collected lots of money from trick-or-treating and he went to the candy store to buy some chocolate.
"You should give that money to charity," said the sales girl.
Dewey thought for a moment and said, "No, I'll buy the chocolate. You give the money to charity."
July 1, 2026 - Household Repairs
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.
But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the truck, the car, fishing, always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a few minutes. When I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.
"When you finish cutting the grass," I said, "you might as well sweep the sidewalk."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
June 2026
June 30, 2026 - If You'll Be Quiet
It was a hectic day of running errands with my wife and son.
As if the stress weren't enough, four-year-old Christopher insisted on asking questions about
everything, told me how to drive better, and sang every song he knew.
Finally, fed up with the incessant chatter, I made him an offer: "Christopher, if you'll be quiet for just
a few minutes, I'll give you a quarter." It worked.
But when we stopped for lunch, I unknowingly began to harp on him. "Christopher, sit up straight ...
don't spill your drink ... don't talk with your mouth full."
Finally he said seriously, "Dad, if you'll be quiet for just a few minutes, I'll give you a quarter."
June 27, 2026 - Favorite Candy
Our phone rang late one night, and my wife Nancy picked it up. She said, "KitKat," and hung up.
"Who was that?"
"Some boy for Carolyn," she said, referring to our daughter.
"What now?" I asked.
"He plans to ask Carolyn to the prom and wanted to know what her favorite candy is. He's going to put the invitation into a candy basket."
The next morning a basket of candy was on our porch.
"But, Mom," our daughter protested when she heard the story, "KitKat isn't my favorite candy."
"I know," Nancy said. "It's mine."
June 26, 2026 - Lucky, The Guide Dog
"We will not have him put down. Lucky is basically a darn good guide dog," Ernst Gerber, a dog trainer from Wuppertal told reporters. "He just needs a little brush-up on some elementary skills, that's all."
Gerber admitted to the press conference that Lucky, a German shepherd guide-dog for the blind, had so far been responsible for the deaths of all four of his previous owners. "I admit it's not an impressive record on paper. He led his first owner in front of a bus, and the second off the end of a pier. He actually pushed his third owner off a railway platform just as the Cologne-to-Frankfurt express was approaching, and he walked his fourth owner into heavy traffic, before abandoning him and running away to safety. But, apart from epileptic fits, he has a lovely temperament. And guide dogs are difficult to train these days."
Asked if Lucky's fifth owner would be told about his previous record, Gerber replied: "No. It would make them nervous, and would make Lucky nervous. And when Lucky gets nervous he's liable to do something silly."
June 25, 2026 - Coffee Delay
In a rush to work one morning, I pulled up to the drive-through window at a fast-food restaurant and ordered some coffee.
Because I was in a hurry, I asked them to put a couple of ice cubes in the coffee so it would cool down more quickly and I could drink it faster.
I sat there at the pick-up window for a few minutes, wondering where they had to go to get my coffee, when a frustrated teenager finally came up and said, "I'm sorry for the delay, but the ice you wanted in your coffee keeps melting!"
June 24, 2026 - Dog's Life Complaint
A woman told a marriage counselor that her husband's complaint that he leads a dog's life is probably well founded.
"He comes in the house with muddy feet," she said, "tracks across my clean floors, barks at nothing, growls at his food and makes himself comfortable on my best furniture."
June 23, 2026 - Candy Bars
A middle-aged man was waiting for the bus. While he waited, he watched a young boy eat five candy bars, one right after the other.
He said to the boy, "Eating all that candy is bad for your health and can rot your teeth."
The boy replied, "Mister, my grandfather lived to be 97 years old!"
The man said, "I'll bet he didn't eat five candy bars in a row."
The boy answered, "No, but he sure knew how to mind his own business!"
June 20, 2026 - HMO At The Gates
Confronted by two doctors and an HMO manager at the Pearly Gates, St. Peter asked them to identify and explain themselves.
The first doctor stepped forward. "I was a pediatric spine surgeon and helped children overcome deformities!" "You may enter," St. Peter said.
The second doctor stepped up. "I was a psychiatrist and helped people find peace!" St. Peter ushered him through the gates.
The HMO manager stepped forward. "As an HMO manager, I helped people get cost-effective health care!" St. Peter waved him forward, but stopped him right as he got to the gates.
"You may stay for three days. After that, you're out of here!"
June 19, 2026 - Worst Horse Ever
A jockey is in the parade ring discussing race tactics with the horse's trainer. The trainer tells the jockey that this is the worst horse he has ever seen. It has had 23 races and finished last in every one of them. If it doesn't win today the milkman will be using it for deliveries in the morning.
The jockey mounts up and takes the horse down to the start.
The race begins and the horse is immediately 10 lengths behind the pack. So the jockey gives the horse an sharp thwap on the shoulder.
Nothing.
He then gives him a series of strikes on the rump.
Nothing.
He then gives him two wallops right on the hindquarters.
The horse comes to a sudden stop, turns to the jockey and says "Give it a rest with that whip, will ya, buddy? I have to be up at four in the morning to deliver milk."
June 18, 2026 - First Accident Report
Because I was processing my first accident report at the transportation company where I worked, I was being particularly attentive. The driver had hit a deer on the highway, and the result was a severely damaged hood and fender.
My serious mood was broken, however, when I reached the section of the report that asked, "Speed of other vehicle?"
The driver had put "Full gallop."
June 17, 2026 - Military Haircut
Tiring of the same old buzz haircut from the base barber at Fort Dix, New Jersey, I went into town to get my haircut.
The hairdresser noticed my accent and asked where I was from.
"Trinidad," I said.
"Is that in Arabia?"
"The Caribbean."
She laughed, "Sorry, I never was very good at geometry."
June 16, 2026 - How Does This Work?
Bob was on vacation, visiting a Las Vegas casino for the first time.
He decided to play the slots. Since he wasn't sure how to play a slot machine, he called an attendant over.
"Excuse me," Bob said. "How does this work?"
The worker showed him how to insert a bill, hit the spin button and pull the handle.
"And where does the money come out?" Bob asked.
The casino employee smiled and pointed to a far wall. "The ATM is over there."
June 13, 2026 - Salary Increase
Our boss told us that she is planning a salary raise.
One of the guys asked, "When does it become effective?"
The boss answered, "As soon as you do."
June 12, 2026 - Holiday Restaurant
I almost got thrown out of my sister-in-law's house one year at the holidays. I told them that I was thinking of opening a restaurant (I did this with a straight face, so they thought I was serious).
She and her family at the time were vegetarians, but I said I was going to open a restaurant that specialized in venison dishes.
I was going to call it, "The Buck Stops Here," and my slogan was going to be, "Bambi: You've seen the movie. Now, eat the star!"
June 11, 2026 - Pork Delivery
A German farmer with relatives in the US sent them a package consisting of some pork sausages made from his old pig.
When they complained that the package had not yet arrived, he wrote:
"Cheer up. The wurst is yet to come."
June 10, 2026 - Marry An Actor
An aspiring young actor asked a young lady's father if he could have his daughter's hand in marriage. The father said, "I would never let my daughter marry an actor."
The actor said, "Sir, I think you may change your mind if you see me perform. Won't you at least come and see the play?"
So the father went to see the play, and the next day he called the actor, "You were right. I did change my mind. Go ahead and marry my daughter. You're no actor."
June 9, 2026 - Average
"Half the people you know are below average."
June 6, 2026 - Contempt of Court
A New York man was forced to take a day off from work to appear for a minor traffic summons. He grew increasingly restless as he waited hour after endless hour for his case to be heard.
When his name was called late in the afternoon, he stood before the judge, only to hear that court would be adjourned for the rest of the afternoon and he would have to return the next day.
"What for?!" he snapped at the judge.
His honor, equally irked by a tedious day and the sharp query, roared, "Twenty dollars for contempt of court - ten dollars for each word. That's why!"
Then, noticing the man checking his wallet, the judge relented. "That's all right. You don't have to pay now"
The young man replied, "I'm just seeing if I have enough for two more words."
June 5, 2026 - Waiting For A Table
When my husband and I showed up at a very popular restaurant, it was crowded.
I went up to the hostess and asked, "Will it be long?" The hostess, ignoring me, kept writing in her book.
I asked again, "How much of a wait?"
The woman looked up from her book and said, "About ten minutes."
A short time later, we heard an announcement over the loudspeaker: "Willette B. Long, your table is now ready."
June 4, 2026 - Hood Full of Pigeons
I was driving to work this morning when my car stalled in the damp weather. I was sitting in the car at the side of the highway, contemplating my next move, when a pigeon flew down and landed right in the middle of the hood of the car. It seemed fairly tame, and I soon became fascinated in watching it up close as it strutted around and made cooing noises.
A few minutes passed, and two more pigeons flew in and joined the first bird. Pigeons seem to be attracted by crowds, and soon I was sitting there with a whole hood full of pigeons, all cooing loudly and beginning to change the color of my hood.
Gradually I noticed that the birds seemed to be trying to get my attention, which was unnerving, since I had always regarded pigeons as rather stupid birds. But, sure enough, several of them were dragging a piece of rope around on the hood, and several others were flying out in front of the car and returning to the hood.
All of a sudden, I realized what they were doing, so I yanked open the door and wildly chased them all off.
No way was I going to be pigeon towed!
June 3, 2026 - Umbrella Impression
A man had finally got around to taking all his broken umbrellas to the repair shop.
Next morning on his way to his office when he got up to leave the street car, he absentmindedly laid hold of the umbrella belonging to the woman beside him for he was in the habit of carrying one.
The woman cried "Stop! Thief!", grabbed her umbrella back and embarrassed the poor man no end!
That same day, he stopped at the repair shop, and received all eight of his umbrellas duly restored. As he entered the street car, with the unwrapped umbrellas tucked under his arm, he was horrified to behold, glaring at him, the lady of his morning's misadventure.
Her voice came to him charged with a withering scorn: "Had a good day, didn't you!"
June 2, 2026 - Couple In 10 Years
The other day I pointed to a couple across a restaurant and said to my wife, "That's us in ten years."
She replied, "That's a mirror."
May 2026
May 30, 2026 - Airliner Tantrum
As the crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a five-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him.
Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly man in a Marine uniform is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the white-haired, courtly, soft-spoken Marine leans down and, motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the boy's ear.
Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt. All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause.
As the Marine slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve. "Excuse me, sir," she asks quietly, "but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?"
The Marine smiles serenely and gently confides, "I showed him my pilot's wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained that they entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door on any flight I choose."
May 29, 2026 - Thrown Off Horse
I had a near death experience that has changed me forever.
The other day, I went horseback riding. Everything was going fine until the horse started bouncing out of control. I tried with all my might to hang on, but I was thrown off.
Just when things could not possibly get worse, my foot got caught up in the stirrup. When this happened, I fell head first to the ground. My head continued to bounce harder and harder, and the horse just wouldn't stop or slow down.
Just as I was giving up hope and losing consciousness, the Wal-Mart manager saved the day and unplugged the ride.
May 28, 2026 - Swallowing Jonah
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah'.
The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell?'
The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him'.
May 27, 2026 - Drawing God
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, 'I'm drawing God.'
The teacher paused and said, 'But no one knows what God looks like.'
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, 'They will in a minute.'
May 26, 2026 - Commandments
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to 'honour' thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, 'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?'
Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, 'Thou shall not kill.'
May 23, 2026 -Aunt Karen
The teacher gave her fifth-grade class an assignment: get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
Ashley said, "My father's a farmer, and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess."
"What's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.
"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"
"Very good," said the teacher.
Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, 'Don't count your chickens before they're hatched.'"
"That was a fine story, Sarah. Michael, do you have a story to share?"
"Yes, my daddy told me this story about my Aunt Karen. Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in the Gulf War and her plane was hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun, and a machete. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of a hundred enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. Then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."
"Good grief," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"
"Stay away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking!"
May 22, 2026 - Coffee Delivery
The young clerk's responsibilities included bringing the judge a hot cup of coffee at the start of every day. Each morning the judge was enraged that the coffee cup arrived two-thirds full.
The clerk explained that he had to rush to get the coffee delivered while it was still hot, which caused him to spill much of it along the way.
None of the judge's yelling and insults produced a full cup of coffee, until he finally threatened to cut the clerk's pay by one-third if he continued to produce one-third less than the judge wanted.
The next morning he was greeted with a cup of coffee that was full to the brim, and the next morning and the morning after that.
The judge couldn't resist gloating over his success and smugly complimented the clerk on his new technique.
"Oh, there's not much to it," admitted the clerk happily, "I take some coffee in my mouth right outside the coffee room, and spit it back in when I get outside your office."
May 21, 2026 - Cactus Watering
During a tour at the Arizona-Sonora Desert Museum, a New York City woman mentioned that she was raising a type of cactus in a pot on her apartment balcony.
Another tourist asked her how she kept from watering it too much, because the cactus would die if over watered.
"I subscribe to the Tucson newspaper," replied the New Yorker. "Every time I read that it rained in the desert, I give my plant some water."
May 20, 2026 - Indiana Rainstorm
After a hardy Indiana rainstorm filled all the potholes in the streets and alleys, a young mother watched her two little boys playing in the puddle through her kitchen window.
The older of the two, a five year old lad, grabbed his sibling by the back of his head and shoved his face into the water hole. As the boy recovered and stood laughing and dripping, the mother ran to the yard in a panic.
"Why on earth did you do that to your little brother?!" she said as she shook the older boy in anger.
"We were just playing 'church' mommy," he said.
"I was baptizing him in the name of the Father, the Son and in the hole-he-goes."
May 19, 2026 - Three-Sixty 727
The controller who was working a busy pattern told the 727 on downwind to make a three-sixty (to do a complete circle, usually to provide spacing between aircraft).
The pilot of the 727 complained, "Do you know It costs us two thousand dollars to make a three-sixty in this airplane?
Without missing a beat the controller replied, "Roger, give me four thousand dollars worth!"
May 16, 2026 - Minister's Dentures
This minister just had all of his remaining teeth pulled and new dentures were being made.
The first Sunday, he only preached 10 minutes.
The second Sunday, he preached only 20 minutes.
But, on the third Sunday, he preached 1 hour 25 minutes.
When asked about this by some of the congregation, he responded this way.....
The first Sunday, my gums were so sore it hurt to talk.
The second Sunday, my dentures were hurting a lot.
The third Sunday, I accidentally grabbed my wife's dentures...
AND I COULDN'T STOP TALKING!
May 15, 2026 - Flight Delay Announcement
A passenger on a Southwest flight says that he once faced a flight delay just before they boarded.
A flight attendant picked up the microphone and announced:
"We're sorry for the delay. The machine that normally rips the handles off your luggage is broken, so we're having to do it by hand. We should be finished and on our way shortly."
May 14, 2026 - Lost In Canada
An American and his wife were driving in Canada and got lost on the prairie. After what seemed like forever, they finally came to a city.
When they saw a gentleman on the sidewalk they pulled up to the curb and the lady wound down her window and asked: "Excuse me, sir. Where are we?"
The gentleman replied, "Saskatoon, Saskatchewan."
The woman rolled up the window, turned to her husband and said,
"We really are lost. They don't even speak English here!"
May 13, 2026 - Blogging Farmers
A lot of farmers have been starting online blogs and writing about their wheat.
They're cropping up everywhere
May 12, 2026 - Country Law
A big city Alberta lawyer went duck hunting in rural Saskatchewan.
He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."
The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in Canada and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Saskatchewan. We settle small disagreements like this with the "Saskatchewan Three-Kick Rule."
The lawyer asked, "What is the Saskatchewan Three-Kick Rule?"
The Farmer replied, "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man's nose off his face. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old coot! Now, it's my turn!"
The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck!"
May 9, 2026 - New Pope
A high school history teacher was discussing the funeral of the Pope with his class. One student asked how they chose the new Pope.
The teacher explained the process, finishing with, "So the Cardinals pick him."
A student in the back of class, asked, very seriously, "Why would they let a baseball team pick the next Pope?"
May 8, 2026 - Park Dollar
Rachel asked her mom for a dollar to give to a little old lady in the park. Kathy, impressed by her daughters's kindness, gave her the dollar.
"There you are Rachel," said Kathy. "But, tell me, isn't the little lady able to work any more?
"She sells candy" was Rachel's reply.
May 7, 2026 - Kill The Umpire
During a baseball game, a woman kept shouting threats at the umpire. No matter what happened on the field, she constantly yelled, "Kill the umpire!"
This went on for an hour.
"Lady," a nearby fan finally yelled out, "the umpire hasn't done anything wrong."
"Hey," she shouted back, "how would you know that? That's my husband, not yours!"
May 6, 2026 - How Do You Decide Whom to Marry?
You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should
like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
-- Alan, age 10
-No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God
decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
-- Kristen, age 10
2. WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
-- Camille, age 10
3. HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
-- Derrick, age 8
4. WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids.
-- Lori, age 8
5. WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
-Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other.
Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
-- Lynnette, age 8 (Isn't she a treasure)
-On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested
enough to go for a second date.
-- Martin, age 10
6. WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
-When they're rich.
-- Pam, age 7 (Love her )
-The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
- - Curt, age 7
-The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have
kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
- - Howard, age 8
7. IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
-- Anita, age 9 (Bless you, child)
8. HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
-- Kelvin, age 8
And the #1 Favorite is .......
9. HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck.
-- Ricky, age 10
May 5, 2026 - The Student Mind During Final Exams
Contents of The Student Mind During Final Exams
10% The prof. never covered this section!
10% Actual knowledge on the subject.
10% The Teaching Assistant is kinda cute!
10% I knew I should have read the book!
10% Soon this will all be behind me!
10% I hope the curve is really low!
10% PANIC ZONE!
10% Prayers for a flood, fire, tornado, hurricane, earthquake, etc...
10% Eeny, meeny, miny moe...
10% Summer break!
May 2, 2026 - Accepting Authority
A woman in a drafting unit was promoted to supervisor and some of the older male workers were having difficulty accepting her authority.
While she instructed one such subordinate, he interrupted with, "Young lady, I'm old enough to be your father."
"And," she replied, "I'm old enough to be your supervisor."
May 1, 2026 - Making Up For Lost Time
An airline pilot was scheduled to take a flight from New York to Los Angeles. The weather was too bad in New York to allow his usual on-time departure. The weather in New York finally cleared, and the pilot asked for his departure clearance. He was very dismayed to hear that he had another delay due to the increased traffic now leaving New York.
Sometime later he finally received his clearance and decided he would try to make up the time lost by asking for a direct route to Los Angeles. Halfway across the country, he was told to turn due south. Knowing that this turn would throw him further behind schedule, with some agitation he inquired to the controller about the reason for the turn off course.
The controller replied that the turn was for noise abatement.
The pilot was infuriated and said to the controller, "Look, buddy, I am already way behind schedule with all the delays you guys have given me today. I really don't see how I could be causing a noise problem for pedestrians when I am over six miles above the earth!"
The controller answered in a calm voice, "Apparently, Captain, you have never heard two 747s collide!"
April 2026
April 30, 2026 - Mad Cow Conversation
Two cows are conversing in a field.
The first one says to the other, "Have you heard about this 'mad cow disease' that is going around?"
The second cow responds, "Yeah, but I'm not worried about it; I'm an airplane!"
April 29, 2026 - Tannery Taxes
A tax collector went to a tannery. "Why haven't you paid your taxes?" the collector asked the owner of the tannery.
"Business has been very bad," answered the tanner.
"Do you mind if I check around the place?" asked the tax man.
"Go ahead," invited the owner. "You'll see I have nothing to hide."
April 28, 2026 - Rolls-Royce Loaner
When I arrived at a friend's home for a party, my old rattletrap looked pretty shabby parked next to all the fancy new vehicles there.
I announced to the other guests that they'd have to excuse my transport, but my gardener had requested my Rolls-Royce for a special occasion and so we had traded cars for the day. Another partygoer said that he, too, had switched cars. He said he had loaned his Rolls to a friend who wanted to impress a new girlfriend.
Everyone laughed, and I felt rather pleased with my little joke, until a few days later when I drove past the same man.
He was driving a Rolls-Royce.
April 25, 2026 - Weight Loss
If you could watch my life backwards, you'd see a Jenny Craig success story.
April 24, 2026 - Cannibal Canoe
A Frenchman, an Englishman, and a New Yorker are captured by cannibals.
The chief cannibal comes to them and says, "The bad news is that now that we've caught you, we're going to kill you, put you in a pot, cook you, eat you, and then use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you get to choose how you die."
The Frenchman says, "I take zee sword."
The chief gives him a sword, he says, "Vive la France!" and runs himself through.
The Englishman says, "Right--a pistol for me, please."
The chief gives him a pistol, he points it at himself, says, "God save the queen!" and shoots.
The New Yorker says, "Gimme a fork."
The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere. There's blood gushing out all over; it's horrible!
The chief is appalled, and asks, "What in the world are you doing?"
The New Yorker says, "So much for your stupid canoe!"
April 23, 2026 - Nephew Caddy
My five-year-old nephew wanted to caddy for my brother's golf game.
"You have to count my strokes," my brother told him. "How much is six plus nine plus eight?"
"Five," answered the nephew.
"Okay," my brother said, "let's go."
April 22, 2026 - Toaster Settings
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp which no decent human being would eat?
April 21, 2026 - Fallen Load Ticket
Driving to work, a gentleman had to swerve to avoid a box that fell out of a truck in front of him. Seconds later, two policemen came by.
While one pulled the gentleman over, the second carefully stopped traffic and recovered the box so as to avoid any further mishaps. When they opened the box, they found it contained large upholstery tacks.
"I'm sorry sir," the first trooper told the driver, "but I'm going to have to write you a ticket."
Amazed, the driver asked, "For what??"
The trooper replied, "Tacks evasion."
April 18, 2026 - Would You Remarry?
A wife asks her husband, "Honey, if I died, would you remarry?"
"After a considerable period of grieving, I guess I would. We all need companionship."
"If I died and you remarried," the wife asks, "would she live in this house?"
"We've spent a lot of money getting this house just the way we want it. I'm not going to get rid of my house. I guess she would."
"If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house," the wife asks, "would she sleep in our bed?"
"Well, the bed is brand new, and it cost us $2,000. It's going to last a long time, so I guess she would."
"If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house and slept in our bed, would she use my golf clubs?"...
"Oh, no," the husband replies. "She's left-handed."
April 17, 2026 - Doctor's Advice
A 92 year-old man went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw the man walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm.
At his follow up visit the doctor talked to the man and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
The man replied, "Just doing what you said Doctor, 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful'."
The Doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said you got a heart murmur. Be careful."
April 15, 2026 - Believing
Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?
April 16, 2026 - Penguin Zoo
Did you hear about the man that had a pet penguin?
Soon after he got his penguin, he was driving in town one day with the penguin sitting on the front seat next to him.
A policeman noticed the penguin in the car and motioned for the man to pull over.
The officer says, "What are you doing with that penguin?"
The man replies, "We are just going for an afternoon drive."
The officer says, "I want you to take that penguin to the zoo right away, or you will be in big trouble."
The man replies, "No problem, I can do that," and the policeman let them go on their way.
Two days later, the man and his penguin are going for a drive again with the penguin sitting in the front seat.
This time the penguin has on dark sunglasses. When they pass through town, the same policeman spots
the penguin in the car. He furiuosly motions for the man to pull over.As soon as the car stops, he marches right up to the man and demands, "You are the same guy I saw two days ago with a penguin. What are you trying to do now? Don't you think that I can still recognize a penguin even if it has sunglasses on? I thought I told you to take that penguin to the zoo right away?"
The man replied, "Yes sir you did. I took him to the zoo yesterday. We had so much fun at the zoo that today I thought we would go to the beach today!"
April 15, 2026 - Extending Life
It is well documented that for every mile that you jog, you add one minute to your life which enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5000 per month.
April 14, 2026 - Concert Lights
My 14-year-old daughter, Maggie, and her best friend, Joannie are fans of 60's music. They recently
got front-row tickets to attend a Peter, Paul, and Mary concert in our town.
When they returned home from the concert that night, I wanted to hear all the details of the concert.
My daughter says, "Mom, during the show, we looked back an saw hundreds of little lights swaying to
the music. At first we thought people were holding up cigarette lighters. Then we realized that the
lights were the reflections off all the eyeglasses in the audience!"
April 11, 2026 - Computer Synchronization
As a highly skilled computer technician, Joe was hired to synchronize the communication between the microchips in the various computers in a local network.
His new boss had left him instructions on a series of post-it notes. The slips of paper were so numerous and jumbled that they were confusing to Joe and his colleagues.
Finally, Joe decided to ignore his boss' instructions. He simply discarded the notes and successfully completed the task on his own.
Upon his return, Joe's boss asked him to describe the strategy that resulted in his success.
"That's easy," replied Joe. "Lose slips, sync chips!"
April 10, 2026 - Nervous Young Minister
A nervous young minister, new to the church, told the flock, "For my text today, I will take the words, 'And they fed five men with five thousand loaves of bread and two thousand fishes.'"
A member of the flock raised his hand and said, "That's not much of a trick. I could do that."
The minister didn't respond. However, the next Sunday he decided to repeat the text. This time he did it properly: "And they fed five thousand men with five loaves of bread and two fishes."
Smiling, the minister said to the noisy man, "Could you do that, Mr. Perkins?"
The member of the flock said, "I sure could."
"How would you do it?"
"With all the food I had left over from last Sunday!"
April 9, 2026 - Geometry Homework
"Son, I've asked you before NOT to do your geometry homework at the dinner table!"
"But why, Ma?" I asked. "What is wrong with that?"
"Look," she said, "the proof is in the pudding."
April 8, 2026 - Appointment Delay
Whenever my aunt went to the doctor, she would complain to me about the long delay she always endured. One day, when my aunt's name was finally called, she was asked to step on the scale.
"I need to get your weight today," said the nurse.
Without a moment's hesitation, my aunt replied, "One hour and 45 minutes!"
April 7, 2026 - Senior Citizen Discount
"$5.37." That's what the kid behind the counter at Taco Bell said to me.
I dug into my pocket and pulled out some lint and two dimes and something that used to be a Jolly Rancher. Having already handed the kid a five-spot, I started to head back out to the truck to grab some change when the kid with the Elmo hairdo said the hardest thing anyone has ever said to me. He said, "It's OK. I'll just give you the senior citizen discount."
I turned to see who he was talking to and then heard the sound of change hitting the counter in front of me. "Only $4.68," he said cheerfully.
I stood there stupefied. I am 56, not even 60 yet. A mere child! Senior citizen?
I took my burrito and walked out to the truck, wondering what was wrong with Elmo. Was he blind? As I sat in the truck, my blood began to boil. Old? Me?
I'll show him, I thought. I opened the door and headed back inside. I strode to the counter, and there he was waiting with a smile.
Before I could say a word, he held up something and jingled it in front of me, like I could be that easily distracted! What am I now? A toddler?
"Dude! Can't get too far without your car keys, eh?"
I stared with utter disdain at the keys. I began to rationalize in my mind. "Leaving keys behind hardly makes a man elderly! It could happen to anyone!"
I turned and headed back to the truck. I slipped the key into the ignition, but it wouldn't turn. What now? I checked my keys and tried another. Still nothing.
That's when I noticed the purple beads hanging from my rear view mirror. I had no purple beads hanging from my rear view mirror.
Then, a few other objects came into focus. The car seat in the back seat. Happy Meal toys spread all over the floorboard. A partially eaten doughnut on the dashboard.
Faster than you can say ginkgo biloba, I flew out of the alien vehicle.
Moments later I was speeding out of the parking lot, relieved to finally be leaving this nightmarish stop in my life. That is when I felt it, deep in the bowels of my stomach: hunger! My stomach growled and churned, and I reached to grab my burrito, only it was nowhere to be found.
I swung the truck around, gathered my courage, and strode back into the restaurant one final time. There Elmo stood, draped in youth and black nail polish. All I could think was, "What is the world coming to?"
All I could say was, "Did I leave my food and drink in here"? At this point I was ready to ask a Boy Scout to help me back to my vehicle and then go straight home and apply for Social Security benefits.
Elmo had no clue. I walked back out to the truck, and suddenly a young lad came up and tugged on my jeans to get my attention. He was holding up a drink and a bag. His mother explained, "I think you left this in my truck by mistake."
I took the food and drink from the little boy and sheepishly apologized.
She offered these kind words: "It's OK. My grandfather does stuff like this all the time."
All of this is to explain how I got a ticket doing 85 in a 40. Yes, I was racing some punk kid in a Toyota Prius. And no, I told the officer, I'm not too old to be driving this fast.
As I walked in the front door, my wife met me halfway down the hall. I handed her a bag of cold food and a $300 speeding ticket. I promptly sat in my rocking chair and covered up my legs with a blankey.
The good news was I had successfully found my way home.
April 4, 2026 - An Honest Golfer
About four or five years ago I was standing in a ticket line at LAX, and a fellow in a line parallel to mine had a golf bag slung over his shoulder. Since the line was long and airline ticketing is a slow process at best, we struck up a conversation.
He brightened when I admired his golf bag, and he proudly stated that he was on the PGA Tour. Then he turned to me and asked the question all golfers ask: "Do you play?"
I shook my head, "I used to, but I quit because I wasn't very good. I shot consistently in the lower seventies."
There was a long, low in-take of breath, then "The lower seventies?"
"Yes," I admitted.
"Consistently?" he queried admiringly.
"Every hole," I confessed
April 3, 2026 - New Restaurant Chain
Did you hear about the new restaurant chain opening nationwide? It is a partnership between Kareem Abdul Jabarr, Ryan Coffee, and Sugar Ray Leonard.
They're going to call it: "Coffee, with Kareem and Sugar."
April 2, 2026 - Norma Findlay in Room 302
A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Michael's Hospital. She timidly asked, Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"
The operator said "I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number?"
The grandmother in her weak tremulous voice said, "Norma Findlay, Room 302."
The operator replied, "Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse."
After a few minutes the operator returned to the phone, "Oh, good news. Her nurse has told me that Norma is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal and her physician, Dr.Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged Tuesday."
The grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful! I was so worried! God bless you for the good news."
The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?"
The grandmother said, "No, I'm Norma Findlay in 302. No one tells me anything!"
April 1, 2026 - Which Will Come in First
"While watching a marathon I saw one runner dressed as a chicken & another dressed as an egg . . . this could be interesting.:
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