May 2021

May 31, 2021 - Brothers and Sisters
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat, one little boy answered, "Thou shalt not kill."


May 30, 2021 - The Trip to Jerusalem
A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem. A small child replied: "They couldn't get a baby-sitter."


May 29, 2021 - What Would You Do?
A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?" He said, "Call for backup."


May 26, 2021 - A Helping Hand?
A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!" While she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again. As she ran, she once again began to pray, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late... But please, don't shove me either!"


May 25, 2021 - Special Request
An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, "They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead.


May 24, 2021 - Shakespearean in Dallas
A kid and his mom were walking on the sidewalk in Dallas. The kid, being 100% Texan, upon seeing some cowboys, said, "Hey Maw, look at them thar men with them thar bowed laigs."

She said that if he didn't start speaking correct English, she was going to send him to a Shakespearean English school.

A little further along, they saw some more cowboys. "Hey maw! Look at them thar men with them thar bowed legs!" he said.

So, true to her word, she sent him off to a Shakespearean English school to learn correct English.

He came home several months later on vacation. As they walked together down the sidewalk, they saw some cowboys.

"Hark!" he said, "What manner of men are these who wear their legs in parentheses?"


May 23, 2021 - You know you are a geek when
*You look at a movie trailer and think, "I have that font."
*You get bittersweet nostalgic feelings about your long-lost Commodore 64 (or Sinclair ZX-81, TRS-80, etc.) and use large amounts of money & time trying to track one down.
*You check your web access page more than once a day.
*You have more e-mail addresses than pairs of shoes.
*Although vaguely insulted by pocket-protector jokes, you still find them funny.
*Someone asks you what languages you know, and you reply: "German, French, Assembler, Java, and C++."


May 22, 2021 - Garage Wow
There was a knock at the door. It was a small boy, about six years old. Something of his had found its way into my garage, he said, and he wanted it back.

Upon opening the garage door, I noticed two additions: a baseball and a broken window sporting a baseball-sized hole. "How do you suppose this ball got in here?" I asked the boy.

Taking one look at the ball, one look at the window, and one look at me, the boy exclaimed, "Wow! I must have thrown it right through that hole!"


May 19, 2021 - Traffic Laughs, Part 2
* The only way to get home from work on time is to take the day off... even then, you're cutting it close.

* Traffic is so bad nowadays, a pedestrian is someone in a hurry.

* You can sit on the highways forever. In fact, some places have little exit ramps where you can pull over and make a car payment.

* During rush hour the only way you can change lanes is to buy the car driving next to you.


May 18, 2021 - Traffic Laughs, Part 1
* Freeway congestion is getting so bad, you can change a tire without losing your place in line.

* All across the country rush hour traffic is bumper to bumper. The next thing they'll be selling is antiperspirant to put under your car's fenders.

* Traffic is always heavy in both directions. There are just as many people trying to get to whatever you're trying to get away from.

* You have mixed feelings when you see an opening in rush hour traffic. You're glad for the opening, but you wonder who died.

* It's useless to print road maps anymore. You just get on the highway and go wherever the other cars take you.


May 17, 2021 - Milk Switch
To help a friend lose weight, I told her that she should switch to lower-fat foods, including skim milk. When she said her family would drink only whole milk, I suggested that she keep their regular container and refill it with skim milk. This worked for quite a while, until her daughter asked one morning whether the milk was okay.

"Sure, it's fine," my friend answered, fearing she had been found out. "Why do you ask?"

The daughter explained, "Well, according to the expiration date, this milk expired two years ago!"


May 16, 2021 - Clergy Crowd Control
A young clergyman, fresh out of seminary, thought it would help him better understand the fears and temptations his future congregations faced if he first took a job as a policeman for several months.

He passed the physical examination; then came the oral exam to test his ability to act quickly and wisely in an emergency.

Among other questions he was asked, “What would you do to disperse a frenzied crowd?” He thought for a moment and then said, “I would pass an offering plate.”
He got the job.


May 15, 2021 - Clergy Golf
Taking advantage of a balmy day in New York, my brother and three other priests swapped their clerical garb for polos and khakis and time out on the golf course. After several really horrible shots, their caddy asked, "You guys wouldn't be priests by any chance?"

"Actually, yes, we are," one cleric replied. "Why?"

"Because," said the caddy, "I've never seen such bad golf and such clean language."


May 12, 2021 - Lost Ball
My job as a land surveyor took me to a golf course that was expanding from 9 holes to 18 holes.

Using a machete to clear thick brush in an area I was mapping, I came upon a golf club that an irate player must have tossed away. It was in good condition, so I picked it up and continued on.

When I broke out of the brush onto a putting green, two golfers stared at me in awe. I had a machete in one hand, a golf club in the other, and behind me was a clear-cut swath leading out of the woods.

"There," said one of the golfers, "is a guy who hates to lose his ball!"


May 11, 2021 - Parting Words
A pastor was leaving his area and was saying farewell to his congregation at the church doors for the last time. He shook the hand of an elderly lady as she walked out. She said,

"Your successor won't be as good as you."

"Nonsense", said the pastor, in a flattered tone.

"No, really", said the old lady, "I've been here under five different ministers and each new one has been worse than the last."


May 10, 2021 - Drive Slower
Two Philistines were racing down a bumpy back road in a pretty beat up car to a bank they were going to rob.

"Drive slower" pleaded the one in the passenger seat, "I don't want all the dynamite in the trunk to explode."

"Relax," the driver replied, "even if it did, I've got a spare box under the seat."


May 9, 2021 - Anti-burglar Signs
The following are a few simple ways to keep burglars out of the house by putting a few signs in well-placed locations:

Dear Mr. Butcher, starting tomorrow, please leave eight pounds of meat for Brutus. Six pounds only makes him angry and vicious!

Dear Mr. Mailman, we found bloodstains all over our mail. They must be yours. The next time you put mail into our slot, please be sure to keep all parts of your body well clear of all openings. P.S. - Any sign of that book we sent for, "The Care and Feeding of Wild Jungle Cats"?

Dear Mr. Exterminator, be very careful when you go inside! The termites have eaten through most of the floorboards and you will fall into the basement where all of the rats are!

To whom it may concern: Some of the items in this house have been engraved with Federal Identification Numbers. Others have merely been wired to explode when touched. Good luck.

Selma, don't come in! The boa constrictor got loose again.


May 8, 2021 - A Hi-Tech Litmus Test
This morning, on the church newsletter were these instructions:

Hold this paper close to your nose and blow hard into the paper.

If the sheet turns green, you need to see a doctor.

If it turns blue, see your dentist.

If it turns red, see your bank manager.

If it turns black, you need to check your will, so see your lawyer immediately.

If, however, it does not change color, then there is nothing wrong with you, so there is no reason why you should not be in church again next week.


May 5, 2021 - Expecting
"How does Jamie like being pregnant?" Danny asked his friend Ryan.

"Oh, she's not pregnant," Ryan replied, "she's expecting."

"What's the difference?" Danny pressed.

"Well," Ryan explained, "She's expecting me to cook dinner, she's expecting me to do the housework, she's expecting me to rub her feet."


May 4, 2021 - Pain Management
My niece, pregnant with her second child, was certain she wanted an epidural for pain management during childbirth.

Her doctor asked her at which stage of labor she wanted the epidural administered.

Her response: "Just meet me in the parking lot when I arrive!"


May 3, 2021 - Patio Problem
My husband, Ray, was attempting to build a patio for the first time. He bought 100 cement blocks. Laying them out in a pattern, he discovered the chosen area was too small.

He stacked the blocks against the house and cleared more space. The next day Ray put the cement blocks back down, only to find that the ground was too hard to keep the patio level.

He ordered a truckload of sand to be delivered the following morning. Again he stacked the 100 blocks against the house.

Observing all this, our next-door neighbor asked, "Ray, are you going to put your patio away every night?"


May 2, 2021 - Interpreting Hotel Brochures
Old world charm ............. No bath
Tropical ............. Rainy
Majestic setting ............. A long way from town
Options galore ............. Nothing is included in the itinerary
Secluded hideaway ............. Impossible to find or get to
Pre-registered rooms ............. Already occupied
Explore on your own ............. Pay for it yourself
Knowledgeable trip hosts ............. They've flown in an airplane before
No extra fees ............. No extras
Nominal fee ............. Outrageous charge
Standard ............. Sub-standard
Deluxe ............. Standard
Superior ............. One free shower cap
All the amenities ............. Two free shower caps
Cozy ............. Small
Plush ............. Top and bottom sheets
Gentle breezes ............. Occasional Gale-force winds
Light and airy ............. No air conditioning
Picturesque ............. Theme park nearby
Concierge ............. Stand with tourist brochures
Continental breakfast ............. Free muffin


May 1, 2021 - Oarsmen News
One day, the Captain of the 40-oared royal Nile barge went down to speak to the oarsmen in the hold of his ship.

"Men, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is, the Queen will be joining us today for a trip up the Nile."

The men cheered and sang the praises of the Queen.

The captain then continued, "The bad news is, she wants to go water skiing."

April 2021

April 28, 2021 - Why did Freud cross the road?
Hmm, and when did you first notice this interest in roads?


April 27, 2021 - Free Will
A young couple came into the church office to fill out a pre-marriage questionnaire form. The young man, who had never talked to a pastor before, was quite nervous and the pastor tried to put him at ease.

When they came to the question, "Are you entering this marriage of your own free will?" there was a long pause.

Finally, the girl looked over at the apprehensive young man and said, "Put down yes."


April 26, 2021 - Parking Solution
A pastor of a two-church parish had to drive every Sunday morning about 4 miles from the 9:30 service at one church to the 11 o'clock at the other. He would often find the parking lot of the second church full, and be forced to park down the road and race to the church on foot.

The problem was finally solved when he selected a parking spot near the side door of the church and posted a sign that read, "You Park - You Preach."


April 25, 2021 - Rest Home Trial
Aunt Mary, a spinster of 92, had finally consented to go to a rest home, but strictly on a two-week-trial basis. Consequently, she took a small overnight case with only the bare essentials.

A couple of days later her niece was surprised to get a phone call from her demanding more clothes.

"Please bring me that good black silk, my lavender print, the brown wool..." and she went on and on. Finally after a brief questioning from her niece, Aunt Mary expostulated:

"There are MEN in this place!"


April 24, 2021 - Bull Healing
A farmer asked his vet to come out to check on his favorite bull who wasn't doing well at all. After checking the bull's vital signs, the vet reached in his black bag and pulled out a rather large pill. He forced open the bull's mouth and crammed the pill down his gullet.

Suddenly the bull jumped up and took off, jumping every fence in his way.

The vet exclaimed, "Well, looks like your bull is healed!"

The farmer replied, "Now give me one of those pills. I've gotta catch him!"


April 21, 2021 - Cake Disaster
Many years ago my just-married young cousin moved into an upstairs apartment and invited some of her women friends over for the evening. She put out snacks and then came out with a cake that looked like a disaster.

She apologized and said she didn't know what happened to the cake because, she explained, "I even used the high altitude directions because I live upstairs."


April 20, 2021 - Are You a Policeman?
A tourist asks a man in uniform, "Are you a policeman?"

"No, I am an undercover detective."

"So why are you in uniform?"

"Today is my day off."


April 19, 2021 - Boat Compromise
My friend wanted a boat more than anything. His wife kept refusing, but he bought one anyway. "I'll tell you what," he told her, "In the spirit of compromise, why don't you name the boat?"

Being a good sport, she accepted. When her husband went to the dock for his maiden voyage, this is the name he saw painted on the side: "For Sale."


April 18, 2021 - Flight Advice
On a recent flight, an elderly passenger kept peering out the window. Since it was totally dark, all she could see was the blinking wing-tip light. Finally, she rang for the flight attendant.

"I'm sorry to bother you," she said, "but I think you should inform the pilot that his left-turn indicator is on and has been for some time."


April 17, 2021 - Age Advice
An enormously wealthy 65-year-old man falls in love with a young woman in her twenties and is contemplating a proposal.

"Do you think she'd marry me if I tell her I'm 45?" he asked a friend.

"Your chances are better," said the friend, "if you tell her you're 90."


April 14, 2021 - Swanky Dining
The couple entered the resort's swanky dining room. "I'm sorry," apologized the Maitre d', "but there are no tables available."

"One moment, my friend," said the man, drawing himself up. "I happen to be Gregory R. Caruthers, the sportsman."

"I'd like to accommodate you, Mr. Caruthers, but there just isn't a table available this evening."

"I bet if President Bush came in and asked for a table, there'd be one available."

"Yes-s-s," the Maitre d' admitted, "I suppose there would be a table available for President Bush."

"Good! I'll take it. George can't make it tonight!"


April 13, 2021 - Deck Praise
I was working in the sun all day, putting finishing touches on the new deck outside my house. My sister pulled into the driveway, greeted me, and looked over my work.

"Wow," she gushed, "you're an expert."

Feeling complimented and satisfied, but...trying not to seem egotistical, I responded... "Once you get going, it's pretty easy!"

She looked puzzled and wondering if I'd misunderstood her I asked, "What did you just say?"

She replied, "I said, your neck's burnt!"


April 12, 2021 - Redecorating Advice
A young couple decided to redecorate their bedroom. They weren't sure how many rolls of wallpaper they would need, but they knew that the couple next door had recently done the same job and the two rooms were identical in size.

So, they called their friends and asked, "How many rolls of wallpaper did you buy for your bedroom?"

"Ten," said their friends.

So they bought the ten rolls of paper and did the job, but had 2 rolls leftover.

They called their friends back and said, "We bought ten rolls of wallpaper for the bedroom, but we've got 2 left over!"

"Yeah, so did we."


April 11, 2021 - Refined Shopping
A very refined young man comes to a small food shop and sees fruit. "Give me two pounds of oranges and wrap every orange up in a separate plastic bag, please," he says to the saleswoman. She does it.

"And three pounds of cherries, please, and wrap up every berry in a plastic bag too." She does.

"And what are those there?" he asks pointing out at something dark in the corner.

"Raisins," says the saleswoman, "but they're not for sale."


April 10, 2021 - Baby-sitting
We encouraged our 18-year-old daughter to find a job to help pay for her college education.

One day she came home with five applications, and later that evening we read them.

Under "Previous Employment," she listed "Baby-sitting."

And under "Reason for Leaving" she wrote, "They came home."


April 7, 2021 - Salt Lake vs. Denver
I couldn't decide whether to go to Salt Lake City or Denver for vacation, so I called the airlines to get prices. "Airfare to Denver is $300," said a cheery salesperson.

"And what about Salt Lake City?"

"We have a really great rate to Salt Lake. It's $99.00, but there is a stopover."

"Where?"

"In Denver."


April 6, 2021 - Hospital Regulations
Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman--already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet--who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.

After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.

"I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."


April 5, 2021 - Cub Reporter
The newspaper editor was instructing the cub reporter in important details of his calling. "Never state as a fact anything you are not absolutely sure about," said the editor. "To avoid putting the paper in the position of stating something which it may not be able to prove, you should always use the words 'alleged,' 'claimed,' 'reputed,' 'rumored,' and so on, unless you know positively that everything is true as stated.

The cub was sent out to get society items, and soon thereafter the following paragraph appeared in the society column:

"It is rumored that a bridge party was given yesterday by a number of reputed ladies. Mrs. Smith, it is said, was hostess. The guests, it is alleged, with the exception of Mrs. Brown, who says that she comes from Illinois, were all local people. Mrs. Smith claims to be the wife of Alexander Smith, who is rumored to be doing a thriving business in town."


April 4, 2021 - Haircut Plan
I was getting my hair cut at a neighborhood shop, and I asked the barber when would be the best time to bring in my two-year-old son.
Without hesitation, the barber answered, "When he's four."


April 3, 2021 - Noise Abatement
"Flight 1234," the control tower advised, "turn right 45 degrees for noise abatement."

"Roger," the pilot responded, "but we're at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"

"Sir," the radar man replied, "have you ever heard the noise a 727 makes when it hits a 747?"