Good, Clean Jokes and Funny Stories


Good, Clean Jokes and Funny Stories


While the Bible isn't a joke book, it is obvious that humor played an important role in Hebrew culture. When drought hit Jacob's world he turned to his sons and said, "Why are you staring at one another...Go down [to Egypt] and buy some for us" (Gen 42:1-2). I also hear humor in some of Jesus' remarks, like when He renamed James and John the "sons of thunder" or when He said the Pharisees where like whitewashed tombs, full of dead men's bones (Matt 23). I think we need the picture of Jesus laughing and enjoying people. In fact, while Jesus indeed had many hard things to say, He was also full of emotion, joy and celebration. Even as He rebuked the Pharisees, we see a glimpse of His demeanor in ministry when He scolded them saying, "We played the flute for you, but you would not dance" (Matt 11). There was something very non-religious in Jesus that laughter, celebration and humor is part of. Hopefully, these jokes, stories and quips will help make your day more merry as you walk with the Lord Jesus through this world.

Francis

January 2022

January 31, 2022 - Needle Manners
While I was working as a pediatric nurse, I had the difficult assignment of giving immunization shots to children. One day I entered the examining room to give four-year-old Lizzie her shot.
"NO! NO! NO!" she screamed.

"Lizzie," her mother scolded. "That's not polite behavior."

At that, the girl yelled even louder, "NO, THANK YOU! NO, THANK YOU! NO, THANK YOU!"


January 30 , 2022 - Washing Settings
One day, a housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to his wife, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"

"It depends," she replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"

He yelled back, "Texas A & M."


January 29, 2022 - Baby Growth
Our first three babies, all girls, each weighed about seven pounds at birth. When our fourth arrived, he was much larger.
After delivery, the medical team began testing and measuring my new son. The last reading came from a nurse, who seemed impressed as she read, "Weight, nine pounds, eight ounces."

My husband, a CPA in corporate finance who'd been quiet up to this point, could contain himself no longer.

"How about that!" my husband exclaimed happily. "It's 36.5% more baby!"


January 26, 2022 - Tree Faller
While working as a radiology technician in a hospital emergency room, I took X-rays of a trauma patient. I brought the films to our radiologist, who studied the multiple fractures of the femurs and pelvis.

"What happened to this patient?" he asked in astonishment.

"He fell out of a tree," I reported.

The radiologist wanted to know what the patient was doing up a tree.

"I'm not sure, but his paperwork states he works for Bob's Expert Tree Service."

Gazing intently at the X-rays, the radiologist blinked and said, "Cross out 'expert.'"


January 25, 2022 -  Happy Birthday
My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, "62."

He was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, "Did you start at 1?"


January 24, 2022 - Cross Country Move
When we moved cross-country, my wife and I decided to drive both of our cars. Nathan, our eight-year-old, worriedly asked,

"How will we keep from getting separated?"

"We'll drive slowly so that one car can follow the other," I reassured him.

"Yeah, but what if we DO get separated?" he persisted.

"Well, then I guess we'll never see each other again," I quipped.

"Okay," he said. "I'm riding with Mom."


January 23, 2022 - Dead Cat
A little boy is gone to school one day and while he is gone, his cat gets killed. His mother is very concerned about how he will take the news.

Upon his arrival home, she explains the tragedy and tries to console the boy saying, "But don't worry, the cat is in heaven with God now."

The boy replied, "What's God gonna' do with a dead cat?"


January 22, 2022 - Biggest Lie
Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room. The teacher says, "Why are you arguing?"
One boy answers, "We found a ten dollor bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie."

"You should be ashamed of yourselves," said the teacher, "When I was your age I didn't even know what a lie was."

The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher.


January 19, 2022 - Anesthesiologist Bill
Margie received a bill from the hospital for her recent surgery, and was astonished to see a $900 fee for the anesthesiologist.
She called his office to demand an explanation. "Is this some kind of mistake?" Margie asked when she got the doctor on the phone.

"No, not at all," the doctor said calmly. "Well," said Margie, "that's awfully costly for knocking someone out."

"Not at all," replied the doctor. "I knock you out for free. The 900 dollars is for bringing you back around."


January 18, 2022 - Dollar Math
"If you had one dollar and you asked your father for another, how many dollars would you have?"
Vinny raised his hand and answered, "One dollar."

The teacher shook her head. "You don't know your math."

Vinny replied, "You don't know my father."

January 17, 2022 - Shopping Remote
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.

As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.

"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.

"No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the worst thing I could do to him legally."


January 16, 2022 - Coffee Vending Machine
A man put his fifty cents in a vending machine and watched helplessly while the cup failed to appear and a nozzle sent coffee down the drain while another poured cream after it.

"Now that's automation!" he exclaimed. "It even drinks for you!"


January 15, 2022 - Unique Breakfast
A man observed a sign in the window of a restaurant that read Unique Breakfast, so he walked in and sat down.
The waitress brought him his coffee and asked him what he wanted.

"What's your Unique Breakfast?" he asked.

"Baked tongue of chicken!" she proudly replied.

"Baked tongue of chicken? Baked tongue of chicken! Do you have any idea how disgusting that is? I would never even consider eating anything that came out of a chicken's mouth!" he fumed.

Undaunted, the waitress asked, "What would you like, then?"

"Just bring me a hard boiled egg," the man replied.


January 12, 2022 - Treasure
Someone in our neighborhood put a huge sofa out by the curb for trash collection. Since it was in good shape, many motorists slowed down for a look. But when they saw how enormous it was, they'd leave.

Eventually a compact car pulled up, and two men got out. "This I've got to see," I thought. They removed the cushions, turned the sofa upside down, and shook it hard. Then they picked up all the coins that tumbled out and drove off.


January 11, 2022 - Community Paper
Glenelg, Maryland is such a small community, I was surprised that they had a community paper. I asked one old-timer about it.

He replied, "We all know what everybody else is doing, but we like to read the paper anyway to see who's been caught at it."


January 10, 1007 - Oil on Fish
Students at school were asked to write about the harmful effects of oil on fish.

One 11-year old wrote, "When my mom opened a tin of sardines last night it was full of oil and all the sardines were dead."


January 9, 2022 - Bicycle Accidents
In the early 1990's, when I was stationed at Caserma Carlo Ederle in Italy, it was very common to see soldiers riding bicycles back and forth to work.

So it came as no big surprise that, after a series of painfully comic accidents, a new policy was announced, saying in summary, "Soldiers shall no longer salute officers who are engaged in the riding of a bicycle."


January 8, 2022 - Are You The Defendant?
The judge read the charges, then asked, "Are you the defendant in this case?"
"No sir, your honor, sir," replied Bob, "I've got a lawyer to do the defendin'. I'm the guy who done it."


January 5, 2022 - Your Cat's New Year's Resolutions
I will not slurp fish food from the surface of the aquarium

I will not lean way over to drink out of the tub, fall in, and then pelt right for the box of clumping cat litter. (It took FOREVER to get the stuff out of my fur.)

I cannot leap through closed windows to catch birds outside. If I forget this and bonk my head on the window and fall behind the couch in my attempt, I will not get up and do the same thing again.

If I bite the cactus, it will bite back.

When it rains, it will be raining on all sides of the house.

I will not swat my human's head repeatedly when they are on the family room floor trying to do sit ups.

Computer and TV screens do not exist to backlight my lovely tail.

I will not drag dirty socks onto the bed at night and then yell at the top of my lungs so that my humans can admire my "kill."

I will not perch on my human's chest in the middle of the night and stare until they wake up.


January 4, 2022 - Zoo Thank You
As a volunteer who conducts educational tours of the Zoo, Sally occasionally receives thank you notes from members of school groups.

One of her favorites said: "Dear Sally, I am a third grader. I loved all the animals in the zoo. You were the best of all."


January 3, 2022 - Golf Survey
My job as a land surveyor took me to a golf course that was expanding from 9 holes to 18 holes.
Using a machete to clear thick brush in an area I was mapping, I came upon a golf club that an irate player must have tossed away. It was in good condition, so I picked it up and continued on.

When I broke out of the brush onto a putting green, two golfers stared at me in awe. I had a machete in one hand, a golf club in the other, and behind me was a clear-cut swath leading out of the woods.
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"There," said one of the golfers, "is a guy who hates to lose his ball!"


January 2, 2022 - Monitors
I sell new and used computers for a living. At an exhibit and sale, I decided to give away an old 13-inch monitor that I had lying around. My neighbor came by and said, "You're giving this away? I'll take it!" Then she noticed a 15-inch monitor at the end of my table. "How much for that one?"
She asked.
I told her it was $75. She looked down at her free monitor, thought for a moment and asked, "Do you take trade-ins?"


January 1, 2022 - Naturally Born
An eighth grade teacher was leading a discussion on the qualifications for being president of the United States.
After the teacher commented that a person must be a natural-born citizen, one of the students raised her hand.

"Does that mean that if you were born by Caesarean section that you can't be president?"

December 2021

December 29, 2021 - Good Singer
In a Brooklyn upscale pet shop, an elderly woman burst into the store. "I want to buy a canary, but it's got to be a real good singer. I've got good, hard U.S. cash, but I'm only paying only for a good singer."

The shop owner began moving a ladder towards a small cage on a shelf about fifteen feet up, near the ceiling of the store. "Ma'am, I'm forty years in this business. In that cage is the best singer I've ever had .""Don't think I'm gonna feel obligated to pay for something I don't want just because you're climbing up a ladder like a monkey. I want a canary but it's got to be the best singer."By this point the shop keeper was coming down from the ladder. "Ma'am, this bird is a veritable feathered Caruso!" Placing the cage on the counter, the bird burst into melody after melody.Awed, the woman murmured, "This bird is really a good singer."Suddenly in a shrill scream, "Hey, what's with you? This bird's only got one leg."The pet store owner was unperturbed, "Lady what do you want a singer ? . . . . . or a dancer?"


December 28, 2021 - Kind Word
A man walked into a restaurant in a strange town. The waiter came and asked him for his order. Feeling lonely, he replied, "Meat loaf and a kind word."
When the waiter returned with the meat loaf, the man said, "Okay, so where's the kind word?"The waiter put down the meat loaf and sighed, bent down, and whispered gently, "Don't eat the meat loaf."


December 27, 2021 - At Home

While I was dining out with my children, a man came over to our table, and we started talking.
He asked where my kids go to school. I told him we home-schooled them.With a raised eyebrow, he asked if my husband is the sole breadwinner for our family. I said, "No, I also work ... out of our home."Then, noticing our two-month-old son, he mentioned that his daughter had just had a baby, and he wondered what hospital our son was born in. "He was born at home," I answered.The man looked at me, then said, "Wow, you don't get out much, do you?"


December 26, 2021 - Prescription Worries
A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office. "Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?"

"Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.

There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'."


December 25, 2021 - Christmas Gift
A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas.

A friend of his said, "I thought she wanted one of those pretty 4-Wheel drive vehicles."

"She did," he replied, "But where in the world was I going to find a fake jeep!!"


December 22, 2021 - Lengthy Discourse

A visiting minister was very long-winded. Worse, every time he would make a good point during his sermon and a member of the congregation responded with "Amen" or "That's right, preacher" he would get wound up even more and launch into another lengthy discourse.

Finally, the host pastor started responding to every few sentences with "Amen, Pharaoh!" The guest minister wasn't sure what that meant, but after several more "Amen, Pharaohs" he finally concluded his very lengthy sermon.

After the service concluded and the congregation had left, the visiting minister turned to his host and asked, "What exactly did you mean when you said "Amen, Pharaoh?"

His host replied, "I was telling you to let my people go!"


December 21, 2007 - Christmas Shopping
It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the prisoner, "What are you charged with?" "Doing my Christmas shopping early," replied the defendant."That's no offense," said the judge. "How early were you doing this shopping?""Before the store opened," countered the prisoner.


December 20, 2021 - Cute Baby
"When we brought our new-born son to the pediatrician for his first checkup, the doctor said, "You have a cute baby." Smiling, I said, "I'll bet you say that to all the new parents.""No," he replied, "just to those whose babies are really cute.""So what do you say to the others?" I asked."He looks just like you."


December 19, 2021 - Jar 47

A new doctor had arrived in town. He could cure anything and anybody. Everyone was amazed with what he could do - everyone except for Mr. Thompson, the town skeptic.
Grumpy old Mr. Thompson went to visit this 'miracle doctor' to prove that he wasn't anybody special. When it was time for his appointment he told the doctor, "Hey, doc, I've lost my sense of taste. I can't taste nothin', so what are ya goin' to do?"

The doctor scratched his head and mumbled to himself a little, then told Mr. Thompson, "What you need is jar number 47."

So the doctor brought the jar out, opened it, and told Mr. Thompson to taste it. He tasted it and immediately spit it out, "This is gross!" he yelled. "Looks like I just restored your sense of taste Mr. Thompson," said the doctor. So Mr. Thompson went home.... very mad.

One month later, Mr. Thompson decides to go back to the doctor and try once again to expose him as a fake, by complaining of a new problem. "Doc," he started, "I can't remember anything!" Thinking he had the doctor stumped now, he waited as the doctor scratched his head, mumbled to himself a little, and told Mr. Thompson, "What you need is jar number 47, it's......"

But before the doctor could finish his sentence, Mr. Thompson was cured and fled the room!


December 18, 2021 - Golf Questions
Jill: I just don't understand the attraction golf holds for men.

Nadine: TELL me about it! I went golfing with my husband one time, and he told me I asked too many questions!

Jill: Well, I'm sure you were just trying to understand the game. What questions did you ask?

Nadine: I thought I asked legitimate questions like, "Why did you hit the ball into that lake?"


December 15, 2021 - Razor Request

Ronnie went down to the barbershop. He gets his hair cut and then gets a shave. After being nicked by the barber several times, Ronnie says, "Hey buddy, have you got an extra razor?"

The barber replies, "Well, yes sir I do. Would you prefer shaving yourself?"

Ronnie said, "Well, not exactly. But I thought I might defend myself."


December 14, 2021 - Label Warning
For Christmas, I received a beautiful knife set--top quality. The accompanying cutting board, however, was a different story.

On the wrapping around it was printed this warning: "Opening with sharp object may damage this product."


December 13, 2021 - Eggplant Sale

A grocer put up a sign that read "Eggplants, 25¢ ea.--three for a dollar."

All day long, customers came in exclaiming: "Don't be ridiculous! I should get four for a dollar!"

Meekly, the grocer gave in and packaged four eggplants. The tailor next door had been watching these antics and finally asked the grocer, "Aren't you going to fix the mistake on your sign?"

"What mistake?" the grocer asked. "Before I put up that sign no one ever bought more than one eggplant."


December 12, 2021 - Taking a Chance

Two Philistines were driving a semi down a road when they came to a viaduct. The sign said 10 feet zero inches, so they got out to measure their truck. Unfortunately, the truck was just over 12 feet high.

They didn't know what to do, when finally one of them looked both directions and said, "I don't see any cops, let's go for it!"


December 11, 2021 - Mixed Signals
A three-year-old in the congregation regularly watched football games with his father. So much so, that he knew some of the signals the referee makes.

On a recent Sunday, as the pastor raised his hands high to offer a blessing, the child interrupted the service by shouting, "Touchdown!"


December 8, 2021 - Tow Request

The minister's car wouldn't start and so he called the garage to come and tow it in for repairs. When the truck driver appeared at his house to get the car, the minister says, "I hope you go easy on me. You know I'm only a poor preacher."

"I know," replied the tow truck driver... "I've heard you preach."


December 7, 2021 - Friendly Golf

Two friends were beginning a game of golf.

The first man stepped up to the tee, hit the ball, and scored a hole-in-one.

The other man said, "Now I'll take MY practice swing, and then we'll start the game."


December 6, 2021 - Missed Bus
The new family in the neighborhood overslept, and their six-year-old daughter missed her school bus.

The father, though late for work, offered to drive her if she'd direct him to the school.

They rode several blocks before she told him to turn the first time, several more before she indicated another turn. This went on for 20 minutes - but when they finally reached the school, it proved to be only a short distance from their home.

The father, much annoyed, asked his daughter why she'd led him around in such a circle.

The child explained, "That's the way the school bus goes, Daddy. It's the only way I know."


December 5, 2021 - New and Improved

One day a little girl was sitting on her grandpa's knee playing with his long beard and patting his baldhead, and asked "Did God make me?"

"Yes my dear" her grandpa replied.

"Did God make you?” she asked. "Yes he did" he replied again she then said "well he sure does a better job these days doesn’t he.


December 4, 2021 - Wedding Report

"How did the wedding go?" asked the preacher's wife.

"Just fine until I asked the bride if she would obey and she said, 'Do you think I'm nuts?' and the groom said, 'I do,' and then things really began to happen fast."


December 1, 2021 - Jury Duty

Judge: Is there any reason you could not serve as a juror in this case?

Juror: I don't want to be away from my job that long.

Judge: Can't they do without you at work?

Juror: Yes, but I don't want them to know it.

There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'."


December 25, 2021 - Christmas Gift
A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas. A friend of his said, "I thought she wanted one of those pretty 4-Wheel drive vehicles." "She did," he replied, "But where in the world was I going to find a fake jeep!!"


December 22, 2021 - Lengthy Discourse
A visiting minister was very long-winded. Worse, every time he would make a good point during his sermon and a member of the congregation responded with "Amen" or "That's right, preacher" he would get wound up even more and launch into another lengthy discourse.

Finally, the host pastor started responding to every few sentences with "Amen, Pharaoh!" The guest minister wasn't sure what that meant, but after several more "Amen, Pharaohs" he finally concluded his very lengthy sermon. After the service concluded and the congregation had left, the visiting minister turned to his host and asked, "What exactly did you mean when you said "Amen, Pharaoh?" His host replied, "I was telling you to let my people go!"