Good, Clean Jokes and Funny Stories


Good, Clean Jokes and Funny Stories


While the Bible isn't a joke book, it is obvious that humor played an important role in Hebrew culture. When drought hit Jacob's world he turned to his sons and said, "Why are you staring at one another...Go down [to Egypt] and buy some for us" (Gen 42:1-2). I also hear humor in some of Jesus' remarks, like when He renamed James and John the "sons of thunder" or when He said the Pharisees where like whitewashed tombs, full of dead men's bones (Matt 23). I think we need the picture of Jesus laughing and enjoying people. In fact, while Jesus indeed had many hard things to say, He was also full of emotion, joy and celebration. Even as He rebuked the Pharisees, we see a glimpse of His demeanor in ministry when He scolded them saying, "We played the flute for you, but you would not dance" (Matt 11). There was something very non-religious in Jesus that laughter, celebration and humor is part of. Hopefully, these jokes, stories and quips will help make your day more merry as you walk with the Lord Jesus through this world.

Francis

December 2022

December 31, 2022 - Gifts For Men
Buying gifts for men is not nearly as complicated as it is for women. Follow these rules and you should have no problems.

Rule #1:
When in doubt - buy him a cordless drill. It does not matter if he already has one. I have a friend who owns 17 and he has yet to complain. As a man, you can never have too many cordless drills. No one knows why.

Rule #2:
If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with the word ratchet or socket in it. Men love saying those two words. "Hey George, can I borrow your ratchet?" "OK. By-the-way, are you through with my 3/8-inch socket yet?" Again, no one knows why.

Rule #3:
If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his car. A 99-cent ice scraper, a small bottle of deicer or something to hang from his rear view mirror. Men love gifts for their cars. No one knows why.

Rule #4:
Do not buy men socks. Do not buy men ties. And never buy men bathrobes. I was told that if God had wanted men to wear bathrobes, he wouldn't have invented Jockey shorts.

Rule #5:
You can buy men new remote controls to replace the ones they have worn out. If you have a lot of money buy your man a big-screen TV with the little picture in the corner. Watch him go wild as he flips, and flips, and flips.

Rule #7:
Do not buy any man industrial-sized canisters of after shave or deodorant. I'm told they do not stink - they are earthy.

Rule #8:
Buy men label makers. Almost as good as cordless drills. Within a couple of weeks there will be labels absolutely everywhere. "Socks. Shorts.
Cups. Saucers. Door. Lock. Sink." You get the idea. No one knows why.

Rule #9:
Never buy a man anything that says "some assembly required" on the box. It will ruin his day and he will always have parts left over.

Rule #10:
Good places to shop for men include Northwest Iron Works, Parr Lumber, Home Depot, John Deere, Valley RV Center, and Les Schwab Tire. NAPA Auto Parts and Sear's Clearance Centers are also excellent men's stores. It doesn't matter if he doesn't know what it is. "From NAPA Auto, eh? Must be something I need. Hey! Isn't this a starter for a '68 Ford Fairlane? Wow! Thanks."

Rule #11:
Men enjoy danger. That's why they never cook - but they will barbecue. Get him a monster barbecue with a 100-pound propane tank. Tell him the gas line leaks. "Oh the thrill! The challenge! Who wants a hamburger?"

Rule #12:
Tickets to a football game are a smart gift. However, he will not appreciate tickets to "A Retrospective of 19th Century Quilts." Everyone knows why.

Rule #13:
Men love chainsaws. Never, ever, buy a man you love a chainsaw. If you don't know why - please refer to Rule #8 and what happens when he gets a label-maker.

Rule #14:
It's hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an aluminum extension ladder. Never buy a real man a step ladder. It must be an extension ladder. No one knows why.

Rule #15:
Rope. Men love rope. It takes them back to our cowboy origins, or at least The Boy Scouts. Nothing says love like a hundred feet of 3/8" manilla rope.


December 28, 2022 - Apprehension
As a new employee for a discount brokerage firm, I went for a month of classroom training. Warning us about the volume of information we were required to memorize, one trainer suggested we make lots of notes on file cards.

When I completed the course, I was assigned to a team where, as suggested, I taped all the file cards, crammed with notes, onto my computer.

On my first day of trading, a veteran broker sat with me. He immediately noticed all the cards, and my apprehension, so he promptly made up a new card, which he taped to my computer.

It read "Breathe."


December 27, 2022 - Tackle Box
On her 15th birthday, my daughter opened a package from her mom and her sisters. Out came a beauty case containing many samples of makeup.

"Neat!" I exclaimed. "Your own tackle box!"

My wife calmly explained that it was NOT a tackle box; it was a beauty kit. My daughter proceeded to open it up and show us all the mascara, eye shadow, rouge, and other cosmetics.

At this point I leaned over to my wife and whispered, "I told you it was a tackle box. Just look at all those lures."

December 26, 2022 - Potato Problem
Upon going away to college, my former brother-in-law received a hand mixer from his mother because of his fondness for mashed potatoes. Later that semester, she asked him how the mixer was working for him.

"Not very good," Terry said, "the potatoes keep flying all over the kitchen."

After a perplexed pause, his mother asked, "Terry, did you cook the potatoes first?"

To which a surprised Terry responded, "You have to cook the potatoes first?"


December 25, 2022 - Airport Mistletoe
It was the beginning of December. The trip had gone reasonably well, and he was ready to go back. The airport on the other hand had turned a tacky red and green, and loudspeakers blared annoying elevator renditions of cherished Christmas carols.
Being someone who took Christmas very seriously, and being slightly tired, he was not in a particularly good mood.

Going to check in his luggage (which, for some reason, had become one suitcase with entirely new clothes), he saw hanging mistletoe. Not real mistletoe, but very cheap plastic with red paint on some of the rounder parts and green paint on some of the flatter and "pointier" parts, that could be taken for mistletoe only in a very Picasso sort of way.

With a considerable degree of irritation and nowhere else to vent it, he said to the attendant, "Even if I were not married, I would not want to kiss you under such a ghastly mockery of mistletoe."

"Sir, look more closely at where the mistletoe is."
(pause)

"Ok, I see that it's above the luggage scale, which is the place you'd have to step forward for a kiss."

"That's not why it's there."
(pause)

"Ok, I give up. Why is it there?"

"It's there so you can kiss your luggage goodbye."


December 24, 2022 - Specialty Store
I was travelling to Seattle on business. Knowing how the weather is up there (and lacking the proper clothing), I went to a local outdoor shop for a inclement weather clothing. Not finding what I was looking for, I went to another. Then another. Finally, a salesman suggested that I go to Rudolph's.

"Rudolph's?" I said, surprised. "Do you mean the Russian specialty store?"

To which the salesman answered, "Rudolph the Red knows rain gear."


December 21, 2022 - Doors
We got lucky when we heard the old Piedmont Hotel in Atlanta was getting a face-lift and its beautiful maple doors became available for sale as salvage items. We bought several and had them installed in our 19th-century home.

Showing a friend around the house, I pointed out, "You know, these doors are from the Piedmont Hotel."

He raised an eyebrow. "Most people just take the towels."


December 20, 2022 - Christmas Card Blues
I was taking a shower when my 2-year-old son came into the bathroom and wrapped himself in toilet paper.

Although he made a mess, he looked adorable, so I ran for my camera and took a few shots.

They came out so well that I had copies made and included one with each of our Christmas cards.

Days later, a relative called about the picture, laughing hysterically and suggesting I take a closer look.

Puzzled, I stared at the photo and was shocked to discover that in addition to my son, I had captured my reflection in the mirror --- wearing nothing but a camera!


December 19, 2022 - The Night Before Finals
T'was the night before finals,
And all through the college,
The students were praying
For last minute knowledge.
Most were quite sleepy,
But none touched their beds,
While visions of essays
Danced in their heads.

Out in the sports field,
There were some throwing,
In hope that some exercise
Would get their brains going.

In my own apartment,
I had been pacing,
Dreading all those exams
I soon would be facing.

My roommate was speechless,
His nose in his books,
And my comments to him
Drew unfriendly looks.

I drained all the coffee,
And brewed a new pot,
No longer caring
That my nerves were shot.

I stared at my notes,
But my thoughts were all muddy,
My eyes went a'blur,
I just couldn't study.

"Some pizza might help,"
I said with a shiver,
But each place I called
Refused to deliver.

I'd pretty much concluded
Life is unfair and cruel,
Since our futures all depend
On grades made in school.

When all of a sudden,
Our door opened wide,
And Patron Saint Put-It-Off
Ambled inside.

Her spirit was careless,
Her manner was mellow,
She looked at the mess
And started to bellow:

"Why should us students
Make such a fuss,
About what those teachers
Toss out to us?"

"On Cliff Notes! On Crib Notes!
On Last Year's Exams!
On Wingit and Slingit,
And Last Minute Crams!"

Her message delivered,
She vanished from sight,
But we heard her laughing
Outside in the night.

"Your teachers won't flunk you,
So just do your best.
Happy Finals to All,
And to All, a good test."


December 18, 2022 - Undelete
Caller: "I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have just realized that I need it. If I turn my system clock back two weeks, will I have my file back again?"

December 17, 2022 - Many Happy Returns
'Twas the day after Christmas and all through the room
Strewn wrappings were crying for use of a broom.

The children were scattered the friends' gifts exploring
Since now most of theirs were broken or boring.

All tummies still stuffed from the fabulous feast;
Leftovers would serve for one month at least.

And mama and papa were the countryside ranging,
Those unwanted gifts returned or exchanging.

Yes Christmas is past with its bustle and noise—
Sales and carols Santas and toys.

Decorations are packed the yule tree's discarded
The holiday's overjust as we got started

To celebrate peace and the meaning of giving
To discover real love and the purpose for living.

Dear Jesus please help us to stop and remember
That you came to earth not just for December.

But from birth in a manger o death on a cross
You gave up your glory and counted it loss.

So now as we trust You—God’s only Son—
The real celebration has only begun!

December 14, 2022 - Busy Button
I was shopping with my roommate, and I saw a humorous button that said, "It might look like I'm doing nothing, but on a cellular level, I'm quite busy."

I showed it to her, and her response was, "Oh, I should buy that one, I'm always talking on mine."

December 13, 2022 - Car Cow Sale
A farmer went to town to buy a pickup truck that he saw advertised in the paper for a certain price. After telling the salesman which truck he wanted, they sat down to do the paperwork. The salesman handed the farmer the bill, and the farmer declared, "This isn't the price I saw!" The salesman went on to tell the wise old farmer how he was getting extras such as power brakes, power windows, special tires etc. And that was what took the price up. The farmer need the truck badly, paid the price and went home.

A few months later, the salesman called up the farmer and said, "My son is in 4-H and he needs a cow for a project. Do you have any for sale?" The farmer said, "Yes, I have a few cows, and I would sell for $500.00 apiece. Come look at them and take your pick." The salesman said he and his son would be right out. After spending a few hours in the field checking out all the farmer's cows, the two decided on one and the salesman proceeded to write out a check for $500.00.

The farmer said--------"Now, wait a minute, that's not the final price of the cow. You're getting extras with it and you have to pay for that too." "What extras?" asked the salesman.

Below is the list the farmer gave the salesman for the final price of the cow..........

BASIC COW...............................$500.00
Two tone exterior.........................$45.00
Extra stomach............................ $75.00
Product storing equipment............$60.00
Straw compartment......................$120.00
4 Spigots @$10 ea......................$40.00
Leather upholstery.......................$125.00
Dual horns...................................$45.00
Automatic fly swatter....................$38.00
Fertilizer attachment.....................$185.00
GRAND TOTAL............................$1,233.00

December 12, 2022 - New Beginnings
After raising four kids and losing one husband, I decided to return to college and get the degree I had started but never finished. And so, on my first day of college, eager with anticipation, and more than a little nervous, I took a front row seat in my first class in over 40 years--a literature course.

The professor told us we would be responsible for reading five books over the course of the semester, and that he would provide us with a list of authors from which we could choose.

He ambled over to the lectern, took out his class book, and began: "Baker, Black, Brooks, Carter, Cook..."

I was working feverishly to get down all the names, when I felt a tap on my shoulder.

The student behind me whispered, "Slow down! He's just taking attendance!"

December 11, 2022 - Yiddish Speak
During the first day of Hanukkah, two elderly Jewish men were sitting in a wonderful deli frequented almost exclusively by Jews in New York City. They were talking amongst themselves in Yiddish, the colorful language of Jews who came over from Eastern Europe.

A Chinese waiter, only one year in New York, came up and in fluent, impeccable Yiddish asked them if everything was okay and if they were enjoying the holiday.

The Jewish men were dumbfounded. "Where did he ever learn such perfect Yiddish?" they both thought. After they paid the bill, they asked the restaurant manager, an old friend of theirs, "Where did our waiter learn such fabulous Yiddish?"

The manager looked around and leaned in so no one else could hear and said, "Shhhh. He thinks we're teaching him English."

December 10, 2022 - Christmas Cake
Every Christmas, composer Giacomo Puccini would have a cake baked for each of his friends. One year, having quarreled with Arturo Toscanini just before Christmas, he tried to cancel the order for the conductor's cake. But it was too late the cake had already been dispatched.

The following day, Toscanini received a telegram from Puccini: "Cake sent by mistake."

He replied by return: "Cake eaten by mistake."


December 7, 2022 - Whose knocking?
Opportunity may knock once, but temptation bangs on your front door forever.


December 6, 2022 - Gifts
What do you say when you get a gift you *Really Don't Like*.
10. "Well, well, well, now, there's a gift!"

9. "No, with all the hostile takeovers this year, I missed the big Ronco/K-Tel/Ginsu merger. Would you just look at that! What will they think of next?!"

8. "Hey, as long as I don't have to feed it, or clean up after it, or put batteries in it, I'm happy!"

7. "No, really, I didn't know that there was a Chia Pet tie! Oh, wow! It's a clip-on too!"

6. "You know, I always wanted one of these! Jog my memory -- what's it called again?"

5. "You know what? -- I'm going to find a special place to put this!"

4. "Boy, you don't see craftsmanship like that every day!"

3. "And it's such an interesting color too!"

2. "You say that was the last one? Am I ever glad that you snapped that baby up!"

And the number one thing to say about the Christmas gifts you didn't like is: "You shouldn't have! I mean it -- you really shouldn't have!"


December 5, 2022 - People
People are funny; they want the front of the bus, the middle of the road, and the back of the church.


December 4, 2022 - Matches
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire.

December 3, 2022- Gardening Rule
When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

November 2022

November 30, 2022 - Little Known Illnesses
AFROPHOBIA: Fear of the return of the 70's hair styles.

DEJA FLU: The feeling that one has had this cold before.

HYPOCOINDRIA: Fear of not having correct change.

HAIRPIECE SWIMPLEX: Rash caused by wearing a toupee in a pool.

HERPES CINEPLEX: Rash caused by movie tickets priced at $9.50.

CELESTIAL SEASONINGS AFFECTIVE DISORDER: Herbal-tea addiction.

VISACARDITIS: The heart-stopping sensation brought on by exceeding your credit limit.

SONSTROKE: An attack during the reading of a will.

ROSWELL-BABY SYNDROME: Irrational fear that one's infant might be an alien.

OREOPOROSIS: Disorder caused by too many cookies, not enough milk.

November 29, 2022 - Mother And Child
A tiny but dignified old lady was among a group looking at an art exhibition in a newly opened gallery. Suddenly one contemporary painting caught her eye. ''What on earth,'' she inquired of the artist standing nearby, ''is that?''

He smiled condescendingly. ''That, my dear lady, is supposed to be a mother and her child.''

''Well, then,'' snapped the little old lady, "Why isn't it?"

November 28, 2022 - Oneness
Prior to our wedding, David and I met with the minister to discuss our marriage ceremony and various traditions, such as lighting the unity candle from two individual candles.

Couples usually blow out the two candles as a sign of becoming one. Our minister said that many people were now leaving their individual candles lit to signify independence and personal freedom. He asked if we wanted to extinguish our candles or leave them burning.

After thinking about it, David replied, "How about if we leave mine lit and blow out hers?"

November 27, 2022 - Jean Squeeze
A woman had gained a few pounds. It was most noticeable to her when she squeezed into a pair of her old blue jeans. Wondering if the added weight was noticeable to everyone else, she asked her husband, "Honey, do these jeans make me look like the side of the house?"
"No, dear, not at all," he replied, "Our house isn't blue."

He is almost over the cold he caught sleeping in the garage for 3 nights.

November 26, 2022 - More Church Bulletin Bloopers
The Seniors group will have a picnic Saturday. Each person is asked to bring a friend, a vegetable, or dessert in a covered dish. Meat and drinks will be furnished.

The last day of Vacation Bible School will include a field trip to the state game farm. We could use some additional volunteers to help preparing the lunch of sandwiches, potato chips, cheese, crack, and cool aid that morning.

Remember the youth department rummage sale for Summer Camp. We have a Gents three-speed bicycle, also two ladies for sale, in good running order.|

November 23, 2022 - Church Bulletin Bloopers
The youth group has raised almost $500 for drug abuse.

"Correction: The following typo appeared in our last bulletin: 'Lunch will be gin at 12:15.' Please correct to read '12 noon.' "

Any church member over the age of 18 is invited to participate in this lay ministry program. It requires a minimal amount of training and time. The orientation will include six weekly classes of about 200 hours each Tuesday night.

November 22, 2022 - Grace
Our son had only heard his grandfather pray at Thanksgiving, Easter, and other special occasions; when he, typically, said a long prayer over the food.

One night, after a fun camp-out and fishing trip, grandfather (to our son's surprise) asked a very brief blessing on the food. With a gleam in his eye, our son grinned at his Grandfather and said, "You don't pray so long when you're hungry, do you Grandpa?"

November 21, 2022 - Slow Train
A passenger train is creeping along, slowly. Finally it creaks to a halt. A passenger sees a conductor walking by outside.

"What's going on?" she yells out the window.

"Cow on the track!" replies the conductor.

Ten minutes later, the train resumes its slow pace.

Within five minutes, however, it stops again.

The woman sees the same conductor walk again.

She leans out the window and yells, "What happened? Did we catch up with the cow again?"

November 20, 2022 - Room Question
My friend Judy was working at a Maine costal resort when she answered a call for information about the inn. After finishing the conversation, Judy stepped away from the desk. When the phone rang again, a student intern took the call.

"I forgot to ask something." the caller said, "How are the rooms appointed?"

"Well, six of them are appointed west," the student said, "and the rest are appointed east."

November 19, 2022 - Trusting Advice
Thunderstorms have rolled through the region, knocking out power temporarily to some of the stores of this supermarket chain. So when a help desk technician gets an emergency page from one store, he figures he knows how to handle it.

Turns out it's not that easy. "When I called the store, a somewhat dippy cashier answered the phone." he says. "The cash registers were all off-line, and when I gave her what I thought were simply instructions to restart the registers, she was having trouble understanding."

The flustered cashier just can't seem to get things working -- until the tech gets an idea.

"At one point the phone clicked, and she told me it was an incoming call on another line," he reports. "She clicked off and answered again right away."

"I said Hi, it's Mark from the help desk."

She said, "Oh, Hi! I h ave another guy from the help desk on the other line! Can you help me out? I don't understand what he's telling me to do."

I replied, "That guy's name is Mark too, and he is the most knowledgeable person in our department. Just take a deep breath, calm down and let him help you get the registers back up."

Another click.

"Hello, is this Mark? I just had that other Mark on the other line. OK, now tell me again what I need to do...."

November 16, 2022 - 50th Anniversary
At my grandparents 50th wedding anniversary, I was looking through a photo album of their marriage ceremony. "Grandma, so many of these styles have come back over the years," I commented.

Grandma never hesitated. "That's why I've kept Grandpa all this time," she said. "I know he'll be back in style again one of these days."

November 15, 2022 - Forgiveness
Two men were talking. The first says, "My wife has the worst memory I ever heard of."

The second man replies, "Forgets everything, eh?"

"No, she remembers everything."

November 14, 2022 - ATM Correction
My father began teaching business classes at the local prison through a community college. On his first night of class, he started a chapter on banking. During the course of his lecture, the subject of ATMs came up, and he mentioned that, on average, most machines contain only about $1500 at a given time.

Just then a man in the back raised his hand. "I'm not trying to argue," he told my father, "but the machine I robbed had about $3,000 in it."

November 13, 2022 - Turnip
I put some turnips, his least-favorite vegetable, on my eleven-year-old son's dinner plate and instructed him to eat everything. He cleaned his plate, except for the turnip.

I pointed out to him that if he'd eaten it earlier, he wouldn't have been left with its taste in his mouth at the end of the meal.

Thoughtfully, he replied, "I guess I was just trying to delay the inedible."

November 12, 2022 - Charity Auction
The auto auction I attended was selling cars to benefit charity. Vehicles were classified as either "Running" or "No Start." On the block was a No Starter. It had a shattered windshield, two missing tires, a sagging front bumper, a cockeyed grille, a hood that was sprung up at an angle, and dings and dents all over the body.

Before he started the bidding, the auctioneer announced the car's year, make, and model, and then read the owner's comments: "Please note - the radio does not work."

November 8, 2022 - Red Tape
A friend of mine was in the hospital awaiting the arrival of her first child. When I telephoned the hospital to see if the baby had arrived, the nurse said it had. I asked if it was a boy or girl and was told that it was against hospital policy to give this information over the phone.

"Fine," I said. "I can understand that. But can you tell me what she didn't have?"

"It wasn't a boy," came the reply.

November 7, 2022 - Better Preaching
After the visiting preacher finished, a woman came up and said, "You were much better than the preacher we had last Sunday. He spoke for an hour and said nothing."

"Thank you," the visiting preacher replied.

"Yes," she continued. "You did it in fifteen minutes."

November 6 - 2022 - Integrity
I was playing in a golf tournament with a longtime Big Ten basketball official who just retired.

He was recollecting the first time he refereed in Bloomington, IN at Indiana University. As he told it .............

“I was very nervous. It was my first time in Bloomington and my first time refereeing a game with Bobby Knight. I was very nervous and was trying so hard to make every call right and equitable.

“At the start of the second half, Indiana’s #23 positioned himself right next to me as we started play. I felt crowded so gave myself some extra room, but he stayed right with me! This went on for over 5 minutes…#23 closer to me than any opponent­I couldn't seem to shake him.

“At the under 16-minute time out, I approached the Indiana bench and said, ‘Coach Knight, I couldn't help but notice that #23 stays very close to me - it’s like he’s guarding me!"

“Coach Knight looked at me and said, ‘Son, at half time I told that player to guard the man who was giving us the most trouble......................AND THAT’S YOU!”


November 5, 2022 - Basement Pitch
The telephone solicitor selling basement waterproofing must have thought she'd died and gone to heaven when she reached my very polite and patient son on the phone. At the end of her long sales pitch, she asked, "Do you mind if we send out someone to give you an estimate?"
"Not at all," my son said.

"When would be a good time?" she asked.

My son answered, "Just as soon as I dig a basement."

November 2, 2022 - Keeping Up Appearances
Sir William Thompson was very deaf but he did not like people to know this. One evening he had invited several friends to dinner, and while they were sitting at the table, one of the friends told a funny story.

Everyone laughed, and Sir William, who had laughed as loud as anyone, said, "That was a very funny joke, but I know a funnier one. Would you like to hear it?" They all said they would, so Sir William began his story. When it ended, everyone laughed louder than ever and Sir William smiled happily. However, he didn't know the reason for their laughter.

He had told the very same story that his friend had just told.

November 1, 2022 - Boring Flight
Bored during a long flight, an eminent scholar leaned over and woke up the sleeping man next to him to ask if he would like to play a game. "I'll ask you a question," the scholar explained, "and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5. Then you ask me a question, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $50."

When the man agreed to play, the scholar asked, "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" Flummoxed, the man handed him $5. "Ha!" said the scholar. "It's 238,857 miles. Now it's your turn."

The man was silent for a few moments. Then he asked, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"

Puzzled, the scholar racked his brains for an hour--but to no avail. Finally he took out his wallet and handed over $50. "Okay, okay, what is the answer?" the scholar asked.

The man said, "I don't know," pulled out a $5 bill, handed it to the scholar, and went back to sleep.