May 30, 2023 - Graveside Observation
A newly widowed man stood at the cemetery next to his wife's casket. When the
graveside service had no more than terminated, there was a tremendous burst of
thunder accompanied by a distant lightning bolt and more rumbling thunder.
The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, "Well, she's
there."
May 29, 2023 - Dress Try
Customer: I'd like to try on that dress in the window.
Saleslady: I'm sorry, madam, you'll have to use the fitting room like everyone
else.
May 28, 2023 - Waiting for Dark
Preparing for a family vacation, Kathy and Matt explained to their young
children that they would be sitting in the car for a very long time. The kids
were told they would not be arriving at their destination until after dark, and
were warned not to keep saying, "Are we there yet?"
After a few minutes of peaceful driving, four year old Rachel perked up,
"Is it dark yet?"
May 27 2023 - Put Him Back
When my now 14-year-old daughter was 3 and her younger brother was getting into
everything, she asked, "Mommy, can we put him back, now?"
Deciding to take this opportunity as a teaching moment in how siblings should
treat each other, I explained to her that we could not put him back - that her
brother was a gift from God.
She looked up at me with her big blue eyes and responded, "I understand,
Mommy. God didn't want him either."
May 26, 2023 - Revelation
My wife's family and I were at a Harding University football game. Every time
someone carried the ball or made a tackle, the announcer would broadcast who had
made the play.
Near the beginning of the third quarter after the announcer called a play, my
niece, Madison, looked up at my wife and innocently asked, "Is that God
talking?"
May 23, 2023 - Punishment
Even though I'm well into my 30's I still stop by my parents house to mow their
lawn. One afternoon the young kid next door was cutting his grass at the same
time.
"It's punishment for skipping a day of school," he explained.
"Why are you still doing your folks' yard?"
"Because I once cut a class when I was your age," I said trying to
keep a straight face.
I'm told he's had perfect attendance ever since.
May 22, 2023 - I Hope I'm Sick
A fellow was sitting in the doctor's waiting room, and said to himself every so
often, "Boy, I hope I'm sick!"
After about the fifth or sixth time, the receptionist couldn't stand it any
longer, and asked, "Why in the world would you want to be sick, Mr.
Jones?"
The man replied, "I'd hate to be well and feel like this."
May 21, 2023 - Kids' Letters to the President
Dear Mr. President:
How much money does the president make? Could you please write and tell me
because if it isn't enough money then I will become a dentist. --Timoth, age 7
NY
What is your favorite book? My mom said it is the Bible because you have to pray
a lot. --Kimberly, age 8, CT
Dear President Bush:
Can you help with the weather in Seattle? It rains too much. My mom said not
even the president can do anything about the weather. I hope she is wrong. We
need more sunshine in Seattle. --Elizabeth, age 8 WA
What does Congress do all day? My dad told me that Congress doesn't do anything
but make trouble. --Ralph, FL
What does the vice president do all day? I have asked a lot of grownups and
nobody knows the answer. --Shannon, age 8 ND
Dear President Bush:
What size shoes do you wear? My grandfather died last month and he left a lot
of shoes and my brother and I would like to send you and the vice-president a
pair of shoes. Do you like brown shoes or black shoes? We will shine the shoes
before we send them to you. --Joey, age 8 PA
On TV you didn't answer some questions because you said the answer was
classified. Can I classify my answers? I got into trouble when I admitted I
broke something I shouldn't have touched. If I could say the answer is classified,
I wouldn't be in trouble. --Martin, age 9 PA
Someday if we have a woman president we will need more closets in the White
House so the president will have room for all her clothes. My mom has three
closets and my sister has two closets and my dad and my brother and I have to
share closets. --Michael, age 8 CA
May 20, 2023 - Tail Whacker
A woman was working in her yard with the weed whacker, when she accidentally
cut off the tail of her cat. She ran screaming into the house, and told her
husband, wondering what to do.
He replied calmly, "Get the cat, and the tail, and we'll take them to
Wal-Mart."
She was incredulous. "How could that possibly help?" she asked.
"Well," he replied, "they're the world's largest retailer."
May 19, 2023 - Marriage Teachings
At the banquet of Tom and Susan's 25th wedding anniversary, Tom was asked to
give his friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long
duration.
"Tell us, Tom, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful
years with your wife?"
Tom responded, "Well, I've learned that marriage is the best teacher of
all. It teaches you loyalty, forbearance, meekness, self-restraint, forgiveness
-- and a great many other qualities you wouldn't have needed if you'd stayed
single."
May 16, 2023 - Prayer
A Sunday school teacher asked her class, "What is prayer?"
One of her pupils answered, "That's a message sent to God at night and on
Sundays, when the rates are lower."
May 15, 2023 - One Hard Question
There was a student who wanted to be admitted to the University. He was smart
enough to get through the written test, a GED, and was to appear for the
personal interview. Later, as the interview progressed, the interviewer found
this boy to be bright since he could answer all the questions correctly. The
interviewer got impatient and decided to corner the boy.
"Tell me your choice," said he to the boy, "What's your choice:
I shall either ask you ten easy questions or ONE real difficult. Think well
before you make up your mind."
The boy thought for a while and said, "My choice is ONE real difficult
question."
"Well, good luck to you, you have made your own choice!" said the man
on the opposite side. Tell me: What comes first, Day or Night?"
The boy was jolted first but he waited for a while and said: "It's the
DAY, sir."
"How???????" the interviewer shot back, smiling. ("At last, I
got you!" he said to himself.)
"Sorry sir, you promised me that you will not ask me a SECOND difficult
question!"
The student was admitted to the University.
May 14, 2023 - Time Efficiency
An efficiency expert was delivering a seminar on time management for a
company's junior executives. He concluded the session with a disclaimer:
"Don't attempt these task-organizing tips at home," he said.
"Why not?" he was asked.
"Well, I did a study of my wife's routine of fixing breakfast," he
replied, a little embarrassed. "I noticed she made a lot of trips between
the refrigerator and the stove, the table and the cabinets, each time carrying
only one item. So I asked her, 'Honey, I notice that you make a lot of trips
back and forth carrying one item at a time. If you would try carrying several
things at once you would be much more efficient.'"
He paused.
"Did that save time?" one of the executives asked.
"Actually, yes," the expert answered, "It used to take her
twenty minutes to fix my breakfast. Now I get my own in seven minutes."
May 13, 2023 - New Passport Photo
Unfortunately, getting a new passport required a new photo. As I handed my
ten-year-old passport and the new picture to the clerk, I sighed. "I like
the original better," I told her.
"Trust me," she said. "Ten years from now, you'll like this
one."
May 12, 2023 - Bus Stop
Once there was couple traveling on a bus in a mountainous area. Close to their
destination they decided to get off a bit early and enjoy a short walk the rest
of the way.
After the couple got off the bus, it proceeded on its route but 100 feet later a
huge boulder fell on the bus, crushing it and killing everybody on board.
Upon see this happen the couple said " We wish we were on that bus"
Why do you think they said that?
Think about it and then scroll down for the answer.
--------- Answer !!!! ---------
If the couple had remained on the bus instead of deciding to get off, the
resulting time delay would have been avoided and the rock would have fallen
after the bus had passed.
Remember and consider others in life.
May 9 2023 - Flight Observation
On a recent flight, an elderly passenger kept peering out the window. Since it
was totally dark, all she could see was the blinking wing-tip light. Finally,
she rang for the flight attendant.
"I'm sorry to bother you," she said, "but I think you should
inform the pilot that his left-turn indicator is on and has been for some
time."
May 8, 2023 - Grouchiness
While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for
lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant and resumed their
trip. When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table
and she didn't miss them until they had been driving about twenty minutes.
By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before
they could find a place to turn around, in order to return to the restaurant to
retrieve her glasses.
All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man. He
fussed and complained and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire
return drive. The more he chided her, the more agitated he became. He just
wouldn't let up one minute.
To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant. As the woman got out of
the car and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, her husband yelled to her,
"While you're in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit
card."
May 7, 2023 - First I Got
Elmer says, "First, I got tonsillitis, followed by appendicitis and
pneumonia. After that I got erysipelas with hemachromatosis. Following that I
got poliomyelitis and finally ended up with neuritis. Then they gave me
hypodermics and inoculations."
Calvin says, "Boy, you had quite a time!"
Elmer replies, "I'll say! I thought I'd never pull trough that spelling
test."
May 6, 2023 - Birthing Spa
My pregnant daughter and her husband were checking out a new birth facility
that was more like a spa. The birthing room had a hot tub, soft music and
candlelight. "What do you think?" she said.
He looked around. "Isn't this how we got here in the first place?"
May 5, 2023 - Transcribing Confusion
We were thoroughly confused. While transcribing medical audiotapes, my
co-worker came upon the following garbled diagnosis: "This man has
pholenfrometry."
Knowing nothing about that particular condition, she double-checked with Doctor
Mike Wilson. After listening to the tape, he shook his head.
"This man," he said, translating for her, "has fallen from a
tree."
May 2, 2023 - Things I Wish I'd Known Before I Dated
~ Never date anyone who is rude to the waiter/waitress.
~ Never date anyone who is rude to their mother.
~ If they have a tendency to be rude to you now, just wait.
~ If you date someone who doesn't share your standards, they'll lower yours.
~ The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship: "I
apologize" and "You are right."
~ Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
~ If he/she says you're too good for him/her, believe it.
~ If they have a tough time apologizing now, just wait.
~ Never date anyone who spends more time gazing into the mirror, than they
spend gazing into your eyes.
May 1, 2023 - Glazier
My son is the manager of a glass and window company and advertised in the paper
for experienced glaziers. Since a good glass man is hard to find, he was
pleased when a man who called about the job said he had over 10 years of
experience.
"Where have you worked as a glazier?" my son asked.
The man replied, "Dunkin' Donuts."
Good, Clean Jokes and Funny Stories
Good, Clean Jokes and Funny Stories
While the Bible isn't a joke book, it is obvious that humor played an important role in Hebrew culture. When drought hit Jacob's world he turned to his sons and said, "Why are you staring at one another...Go down [to Egypt] and buy some for us" (Gen 42:1-2). I also hear humor in some of Jesus' remarks, like when He renamed James and John the "sons of thunder" or when He said the Pharisees where like whitewashed tombs, full of dead men's bones (Matt 23). I think we need the picture of Jesus laughing and enjoying people. In fact, while Jesus indeed had many hard things to say, He was also full of emotion, joy and celebration. Even as He rebuked the Pharisees, we see a glimpse of His demeanor in ministry when He scolded them saying, "We played the flute for you, but you would not dance" (Matt 11). There was something very non-religious in Jesus that laughter, celebration and humor is part of. Hopefully, these jokes, stories and quips will help make your day more merry as you walk with the Lord Jesus through this world.
Francis
May 2023
April 2023
April 30, 2023 - Approval Letter
After trying a new shampoo for the first time, Dewey mailed off an enthusiastic
letter of approval to the manufacturer.
Several weeks later he came home from work to a large carton in the middle of
the floor. Inside were free samples of the many products the same company
produced: soaps, detergents, tooth paste, and paper items... with a "thank
you" note from the manufacturer.
"Well, What do you think?" asked his smiling wife, Olga.
"I think that next time," Dewey replied. "I'm writing to
Toyota".
April 29, 2023 - Leaky Pipe
A lady answered her front door to find a plumber standing there. "I'm here
to fix the leaky pipe," he announced.
"I didn't call a plumber," said the lady.
"What?" huffed the plumber. "Aren't you Mrs. Frobisher?"
The Frobishers moved out of this house over a year ago," explained the
lady.
"How do you like that," grunted the plumber. "They call you up
and tell you it's an emergency and then they move away!"
April 28, 2023 - Call Boxes
A friend of mine was visiting a college, which had those security call boxes
every few hundred feet. If you were wandering around the campus at night and
felt uneasy about somebody following you, for instance, you could hit the
button and have a security officer come investigate immediately.
On one of these phones hung a sign that said, "Out of Order."
Underneath it someone had scrawled, "Keep Running!"
April 25, 2023 - Mechanic Applicant
A man is applying for a job as mechanic that he really wants to get. The boss
says, "Can you roll your hard hat down your arm and pop it back on your
head?"
The mechanic nods, confused.
"Can you play light saber with your wrench and another man's
screwdriver?"
"Oh yes," says the mechanic.
"Can you bounce your screwdriver off the cement, grab it, whirl it around
and put it in your belt like a gun?"
"Sir, I've been doing that for years!" says the wanna-be mechanic.
"Well in that case, I can't use you. I have 12 men doing that
already!" says the boss.
April 24, 2023 - Work
One of our co-workers went missing for a few hours, and we tore up the place
looking for him. The boss finally found him fast asleep. Rather than wake him,
he quietly placed a note on the man's chest...
"As long as you're asleep," it read, "you have a job. But as
soon as you wake up, you're fired!"
April 23, 2023 - Dewey Check
I walked into my sister's kitchen and found my nephew, Dewey, having a snack.
"Where's your mother?" I asked.
"She said she was going to have a shower. Just a second, I'll see."
Dewey went to the kitchen tap and turned the hot water on full blast.
An indignant yell came from above.
Dewey calmly turned off the tap and said, "Yep, she's in the shower."
April 22, 2023 - Raise
Our boss told us that she is planning a salary raise. One of the guys asked,
"When does it become effective?"
The boss answered, "As soon as you do."
April 21, 2023 - Blind Date Slap
An 85-year-old widow went on a blind date with a 90-year-old man. When she
returned to her daughter's house later that night, she seemed upset.
"What happened, Mother?" the daughter asked.
"I had to slap his face three times!"
"You mean he got fresh?"
"No," she answered, "I thought he was dead."
April 18, 2023 - Decision
A group of junior-level executives were participating in a management training
program. The seminar leader pounded home his point about the need to make
decisions and take action on these decisions.
"For instance," he said, "if you had five frogs on a log and
three of them decided to jump, how many frogs would you have left on the
log?"
The answers from the group were unanimous: "Two."
"Wrong," replied the speaker, "there would still be five because
there is a difference between deciding to jump and jumping."
April 17, 2023 - Paul Top Ten
TOP TEN THINGS THE APOSTLE PAUL WOULD HAVE DONE IF HE HAD A PC
10. Download MP3's of the Righteous Brothers for entertainment while on those
long, tedious missionary journeys
9. Visit WebMD.com about that persistent pain in flesh
8. Spiritual armor would include virus protection software
7. "To live is Christ, to die is to have a 28K modem"
6. Book boat tickets using Priceline.com
5. E-mail pictures of Peter eating pork to the gang back in Jerusalem
4. Church officers: Pastor, Elder, Deacon, System Administrator
3. Use decryption software to interpret tongues
2. Describe conversion experience as the "Divine Reboot"
1. Add Spam to list of cardinal sins
April 16, 2023 - GI Rally
It was World War II, and the captain was attempting to rally the GIs on the eve
of a big offensive.
"Out there," said the captain, "is your enemy. The man who has
made your life miserable, who is working to destroy you; the man who has been
trying to kill you day after day throughout this war."
Private Johnson jumped to his feet. "The cook's working for the
Germans!"
April 15, 2023 - Replacement Cat
Mr. Frobisher walked anxiously to the house and knocked.
When a nice old lady answered, he said very sad, “I’m sorry, madam, but I have
some bad news. “I’m afraid I have run over your cat. I… I would like to replace
it.”
The little lady looked him up and down and said, “I’m game, but how are you at
catching mice?”
April 14, 2023 - 1-800-45TEACH
A high school senior, saw an inspirational advertisement on television about
becoming a teacher. She called the number shown: 1-800-45TEACH. After a woman
answered, the student babbled on about how she thought she had found her life's
calling and could she send her some information.
The lady who answered the phone asked the student what number she was calling.
The student told her and there was a long pause.
Then the woman said, "You misspelled teach."
April 11, 2023 - Kitten Revival
A mother looked out a window and saw Johnny playing church with their three
kittens. He had them lined up and was preaching to them. The mother turned
around to do some work.
A while later she heard meowing and scratching on the door. She went to the
window and saw Johnny baptizing the kittens. She opened the window and said,
"Johnny, stop that! You'll drown those kittens."
Johnny looked at her and said with much conviction in his voice: "They
should had thought of that before they joined my church."
April 10, 2023 - Childhood
When my wife's sister, Patty, was very young, she was allowed to have her best
friend, a boy named Rory, over to spend the night. As the children grew toward
adolescence, their parents knew that someday the sleepovers would have to end.
One night, when Rory and his family were visiting, everyone gathered around the
television to watch the Miss America pageant. When Patty asked if Rory could
stay over, the parents hesitated, wondering if the time had finally come to
discontinue the tradition. At that moment, the pageant host announced a contestant's
measurements: 36-22-36.
"Rory," his mom asked, "what are those numbers?"
The boy thought for only a moment before responding, "Ninety-four?"
Rory got to spend the night.
April 9, 2023 - Overdue Rent
Walpole had lived in his loft for six months, and by now it was filled with the
paintings he had created. He worked day and night, stopping only occasionally
for something to eat.
He thought little about food and less about sleep. But what he thought about
least of all was his rent.
As a result, his landlord now stood before him, demanding the three months'
rent Walpole owed on the loft.
"Give me a couple of weeks," Walpole pleaded. "I know I'm on the
verge of making some sales."
"Absolutely not," the landlord said. "You gave me that story
last month. You won't get another day's credit from me."
"Look," Walpole said, "think of it as an investment. Some day
this loft will be famous, and you'll be able to charge a fortune for it. In a
few years, people will come into this disgusting loft and whisper, 'Walpole
used to paint here.'"
"Pay your rent now," the landlord said, "or they'll be able to
say it tomorrow morning."
April 8, 2023 - Quality of Life
A man and his wife are sitting in the living room and he says to her:
"Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state dependent on
some machine. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
His wife gets up and unplugs the TV.
April 7, 2023 - Worst Horse Ever
A jockey is in the parade ring discussing race tactics with the horse's trainer.
The trainer tells the jockey that this is the worst horse he has ever seen. It
has had 23 races and finished last in every one of them. If it doesn't win
today the milkman will be using it for deliveries in the morning.
The jockey mounts up and takes the horse down to the start.
The race begins and the horse is immediately 10 lengths behind the pack. So the
jockey gives the horse an sharp thwap on the shoulder.
Nothing.
He then gives him a series of strikes on the rump.
Nothing.
He then gives him two wallops right on the hindquarters.
The horse comes to a sudden stop, turns to the jockey and says "Give it a
rest with that whip, will ya, buddy? I have to be up at four in the morning to
deliver milk."
April 4, 2023 - New Apartment
A property manager of single-family residence was showing a unit to prospective
tenants and asking the usual questions.
"Professionally employed?" he asked.
"We're a military family," the wife answered.
"Children?"
"Oh, yes, ages nine and twelve," she answered proudly.
"Animals?"
"Oh, no," she said earnestly. "They're very well behaved."
April 3, 2023 - Wrong Mower Guy
Top 10 Signs You've Hired The Wrong Guy To Mow Your Lawn:
10. He shows up with a pair of nail clippers and a Ziploc bag
9. On the side of his mower you notice the stenciled silhouettes of 13 cats
8. Stops frequently to nap inside the grass-catcher
7. Always trying to impress you by stopping the mower blades with his head
6. You notice him shoving the last of his clothes into the mulcher
5. He's fascinated by the details of you home security system
4. Stops every couple of minutes to smoke some clippings
3. Somehow manages to mow the hood ornament off your Lexus
2. Turns a goat loose and says he'll be back in three weeks
1. No toes
April 2, 2023 - Cadet Sign
When my brother was a cadet at the U.S. Air Force Academy, there was an
overhead walkway with a sign reading "Bring Me Men."
As my parents were touring the grounds during Parents' Weekend, they could tell
that some of the cadets were homesick. The sign had been changed to "Bring
Me Mom."
April 1, 2023 - News
The shipwrecked sailor had spent several years on a deserted island. Then one
morning he was thrilled to see a ship offshore and a smaller vessel pulling out
toward him.
When the boat grounded on the beach, the officer in charge handed the marooned
sailor a bundle of newspapers and told him, "With the captain's
compliments. He said to read through these and let us know if you still want to
be rescued."