September 29, 2021 - Zoo Sign
Although fun to visit, zoos do pose certain perils. But to whom? A sign posted in the Knoxville Zoo in Tennessee cautioned visitors:
"Please be safe. Do not sit, climb, or lean on the zoo fences. If you fall, animals could eat you, and that would make them sick."
September 28, 2021 - Landing Request
There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked."
Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down.
"Ah," the pilot remarked, "the dreaded seven-engine approach."
September 27, 2021 - Guard Dog
My boyfriend, Tim, a mechanic, does work for the Air Force Academy. One day, a guard asked, "Mind if our new guard dog practices sniffing your truck?
Tim obliged and the dog went to work. Almost immediately, it latched onto a scent and jumped into the truck bed sniffing furiously.
Tim became nervous. There were no drugs or weapons. What could the dog be after? A few minutes later, the guard approached Tim.
"Sorry," he said sheepishly, "our dog ate your lunch."
September 26, 2021 - Construction Noise
During a beautiful spring afternoon, I was attending a music festival. Just as I stopped to listen to a folk singer, a group of exhibitors, dragging out tools and sawhorses, began setting up their display booth nearby. All their shouting and hammering made it difficult to enjoy the music. The noise they made got louder and even more obnoxious and intrusive as time went on.
Finally, to everyone's relief, they completed the construction.
As a finishing touch, they hung a sign on their booth. It read "Silent Auction."
September 25, 2021 - True Chain of Command
While the soldiers stood at attention during a parade, a private waved to someone in the audience. "Jones, never do that again!" the drill instructor whispered. But a few minutes later, the soldier waved a second time.
Back in the barracks after the parade, the DI stormed in and barked for Jones to come front and center. "Son, you knew I was going to see you," he screamed. "You knew it was wrong. Aren't you afraid of me?"
"Yes, sir!" replied Jones. "But you don't know my mother!"
September 22, 2021 - Teacher Tech Help
The computer in my high school classroom recently started acting up. After watching me struggle with it, one of my students came up and took over. "Your hard drive crashed," he said.
I called the computer services office and explained, "My computer is down. The hard drive crashed."
"We can't just send people down on your say-so. How do you know that's the problem?"
"A student told me," I answered.
"We'll send someone over right away."
September 21, 2021 - Brotherly Chores
Drew and Timmy were brothers. One day Mom and Dad had to go into town. Dad told Drew, "While we are gone I want you boys to clear away the dirty dishes, clean your room, and mow the grass."
When they returned nothing had been done. Dad was very upset. He asked Drew, "What have you been doing while we were gone?"
Drew replied in a low voice, "Nothing."
Dad then turns to Timmy and asks, "What have you been doing?"
Timmy replied, "Helping Drew."
September 20, 2021 - Parachute Training
I volunteered recently to perform a parachute jump for charity. On our first day of training, the instructor made an important point about preparing for landing at 300 feet.
"How do you know when you're at 300 feet?" asked one woman.
"A good question," replied the instructor. "At 300 feet you can recognize the faces of people on the ground."
The woman thought about this for awhile before saying, "What happens if there's no one there I know?"
September 19, 2021 - Kiss Good-bye
"Dad," a teenaged girl says, running into her father's den, "I'd like to kiss you good-bye before I go to school!"
"You're too late, honey. Your mother just did that two minutes ago, and I don't have any cash left on me."
September 18, 2021 - Gym OopsNew to the area, I was eager to meet people. So one day I struck up a conversation with the only other woman in the gym.
Pointing to two men playing racquetball in a nearby court, I said to her, "There's my husband." Then I added, "The thin one--not the fat one."
After a slightly uncomfortable silence she replied, "And that's my husband - the fat one."
September 15, 2021 - Job Impressions
I had always talked about my job a lot at home, and my young daughter had always expressed great interest. So I thought it would be a treat for her to spend the day with me at the office. Since I wanted it to be a surprise, I didn't tell her where we were going, just that it would be fun. Although usually a bit shy, she seemed excited to meet each colleague I introduced.
On the way home, however, she seemed somewhat down.
"Didn't you have a nice time?" I asked.
"Well, it was okay." she responded. "But I thought it would be more like a circus."
Confused, I asked, "Whatever do you mean?"
She said, "Well, you said you work with a bunch of clowns, and I never got to see them!"
September 14, 2021 - Nail Biting
Most of us have a bad habit we are constantly trying to break. For me, it’s biting my fingernails. One day I told my husband about my latest solution: press-on nails.
"Great Idea, Honey,” he smiled. “You can eat them straight out of the box."
September 13, 2021 - Neighborhood Explosion
The whole neighborhood shook from the explosion. As shopkeepers ran outside to see what happened, they spotted the pharmacist staggering out of his smoldering building.
His white uniform was now scorched black. He went up to a woman standing nearby.
"Lady!" he said, "Would you please ask your doctor to write that prescription again. And this time, PRINT IT!"
September 12, 2021 - Signs That Old Age Might Be Creeping Up On You
Your favorite section of the newspaper is "25 Years Ago Today."
The parts that have arthritis are the parts where you feel best.
A big evening with your friends is sitting around comparing living wills.
Your clothes go into the overnight bag so you can fill the suitcase with your pills.
Somebody you consider an old-timer calls you an old-timer.
Your idea of a change of scenery is looking to the left or right.
Your knees buckle, but your belt won't.
September 11, 2021 - A Good Haircut
Our supervisor recently made a casual comment about my shaggy mane of hair. He then went on to extol the virtues of a good haircut, which, he insisted, makes an elderly man look younger and a younger man seem more mature.
"How would a haircut make a middle-aged man like me appear?" I asked.
"Still employed," he answered.
September 8, 2021 - Car Moving
It had been snowing for hours when an announcement came over the intercom: "Will the students who are parked on University Drive please move their cars so that we may begin snow plowing."
Twenty minutes later there was another announcement: "Will the twelve hundred students who went to move 26 cars please return to class.
September 7, 2021 - What's Good Tonight?
Our family owned restaurant is the setting for many of our discussions about how to handle the customer who asks, "What's good tonight?"
Obviously, we would never serve anything we didn't think was good. I braced myself one Saturday night when I heard the dreaded question posed to my husband.
He calmly replied, "Anything over $13.95."
September 6, 2021 - The True Test
During class, the chemistry professor was demonstrating the properties of various acids. "Now I'm dropping this silver coin into this glass of acid. Will it dissolve?"
"No, sir," a student called out.
"No?" queried the professor. "Perhaps you can explain why the silver coin won't dissolve."
"Because if it would, you wouldn't have dropped it in."
September 5, 2021 - What Happened
"What happened?" asked the hospital visitor to the heavily bandaged man sitting up in bed.
"Well, I went down to Margate at the weekend and decided to take a ride on the roller coaster. As we came up to the top of the highest loop, I noticed a little sign by the side of the track. I tried to read it but it was very small and I couldn't make it out. I was so curious that I decided to go round again, but we went by so quickly that I couldn't see what the sign said. By now, I was determined to read that sign so I went round a third time. As we reached the top, I stood up in the car to get a better view."
"And did you manage to see what the sign said this time?" asked the visitor.
"Yes."
"What did it say?"
"Don't stand up in the car!"
September 4, 2021 - Testing Positive
I'm a middle school band teacher, and I match students to instruments by testing them on various mouthpieces. While most children demonstrate aptitude on more than a single instrument, there was one boy who was having difficulty on every one he tried, and he was becoming disheartened.
Finally, he found success on a tuba mouthpiece. He was so happy that he asked to call his mother.
"Mom, guess what!" I overheard him exclaim. "I tested positive for tuba!"
September 1, 2021 - Variable-speed Limit
Safety is a major concern at the manufacturing company where I work. So I'm constantly preaching caution to the workers I supervise. "Does anyone know," I asked a few guys, "what the speed limit is in our parking lot?"
The long silence that followed was interrupted when one of them piped up. "That depends. Do you mean coming in to work or leaving?"
August 2021
August 31, 2021 - Repeat Your Position
A lifeboat was called out to rescue a yacht in trouble. The coastguard, trying to get the yacht's location, called it on the radio. "What is your position? Repeat, what is your position?"
And the reply came back, "My position? Well I'm marketing director of a medium sized computer software company."
August 30, 2021 - True Wisdom? Pt. 3
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened.
Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
August 29, 2021 - True Wisdom? Pt. 2
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
OK...so what's the speed of dark?
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
August 28, 2021 - True Wisdom? Pt. 1
A day without sunshine is like....night.
On the other hand, you have more fingers.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
August 25, 2021 - Faulty Owner's Manual
One of my daughter's wedding presents was a toaster oven. Soon after the honeymoon, she and her husband tried it out. Almost immediately, smoke billowed out of the toaster. "Get the owner's manual!" her husband shouted.
"I can't find it anywhere!" she cried, searching through the box.
"Oops!" came a voice from the kitchen. "Well, the toast is fine, but the owner's manual is burnt to a crisp."
August 24, 2021 - Kitchen Help
My brother-in-law came home to an empty house one day and decided he would start dinner. First, he would make the salad. He searched high and low for the big bowl for making the salad and finally found it in the refrigerator, half full of Kool Aid.
"Who on earth put Kool Aid in a bowl?" He looked around and found some empty pop bottles, rinsed them out and using a funnel, transferred the Kool Aid to the pop bottles and returned them to the fridge. He then made the salad and started the rest of the dinner.
Later, my sister came home. She had been to the store and was putting some things in the fridge, when suddenly she asked her husband, "Who on earth put my Jello in pop bottles?"
August 23, 2021 - Healthful Place
Mr. Peterson, a tourist from Toronto, arrived in Barbados. In an airport taxi cab, Peterson asked the driver, "Say, is this really a healthful place?"
"It sure is," the cabby replied. "When I came here I couldn't say one word. I had hardly any hair on my head. I didn't have the strength to walk across a room, and I had to be lifted out of bed."
"That's wonderful!" said the tourist, "How long have you been here?"
"I was born here."
August 22, 2021 - Denture Feedback
A couple of old guys were golfing when one said he was going to Dr. Taylor for a new set of dentures in the morning.
His friend remarked that he had gone to the same dentist a few years before. "Is that so?" the first said. "Did he do a good job?"
"Well, I was on the course yesterday when the fellow on the ninth hole hooked a shot," he said. "The ball must have been going 200 mph when it hit me in the stomach. That," he added, "was the first time in two years my teeth didn't hurt."
August 21, 2021 - 75 Stories
Fred, Jim, and Scott were at a convention together and were sharing a large suite on the top of a 75-story skyscraper.
After a long day of meetings, they were shocked to hear that the elevators in their hotel were broken and they would have to climb 75 flights of stairs to get to their room.
Bill said to Jim and Scott, "Let's break the monotony of this unpleasant task by concentrating on something interesting. I'll tell jokes for 25 flights, Jim can sing songs for the next 25 flights, and Scott can tell sad stories for the rest of the way."
At the 26th floor, Bill stopped telling jokes and Jim began to sing. At the 51st floor, Jim stopped singing and Scott began to tell sad stories.
"I will tell my saddest story first," he said. "I left the room key in the car!"
August 18, 2021 - Bibles and Cellular Phones
I wonder what would happen if we treated our Bible like we treat our cell phones?
What if we carried it around on our belt, in our purses or pockets?
What if we turned back to go get it if we forgot it?
What if we flipped through it several times a day?
What if we used it to receive messages from the text?
What if we treated it like we couldn't live without it?
What if we gave it to kids as gifts?
What if we used it as we traveled?
What if we used it even when it wasn't an emergency?
This is something to make you go...hmmm...where is my Bible?
Oh, and one more thing...
Unlike our cell phone, we don't ever have to worry about our Bible being disconnected because Jesus already paid the bill!
August 17, 2021 - Orchestra Note
While a famous orchestra was on tour, the conductor found this note under his hotel room door one night:
"I think you should know that the fellow in your band who plays the instrument that pulls in and out only bothered playing during the odd moments you were looking at him and pointing your stick straight at him."
August 16, 2021 - Correct Response
While in an instrument flight-training class at Reese Air Force Base, Texas, I dozed off and, to my dismay, was awakened by a question posed by my instructor.
My buddy whispered the correct response to me. After I gave the answer, my instructor replied, "Good, lieutenant," but his remarks were directed to my friend.
"Next time, put your hand behind his neck to work his jaw, and don't let your lips move so much."
August 15, 2021 - Need a Pen?
A patient at the dental office where I was a receptionist stopped by my desk to pay her bill. She began rummaging through her purse, as so many patients did when they had a check to write.
"Do you need a pen?" I asked, offering her the use of mine.
"Yes, thank you," she replied. She took it, put it in her handbag and proceeded to pay in cash.
August 14, 2021 - Video Surprise
Without realizing it, I walked right into a police stakeout at my local video rental store. When a young man stepped out the door, a group of officers pounced, cuffed him and hustled him into a squad car.
Seeing my astonished frozen expression, one cop came over and said, "When they say the movie is due by noon the next day... they mean it!"
August 11, 2021 - Post Card Help
A man writing at the post office desk was approached by an older fellow with a post card in his hand. The old man said, "Sir, I'm sorry to bother you but could you address this post card for me? My arthritis is acting up today and I can't even hold a pen."
"Certainly sir," said the younger man, "I'd be glad to."
He wrote out the address and also agreed to write a short message and sign the card for the man. Finally, the younger man asked, "Now, is there anything else I can do for you?"
The old fellow thought about it for a moment and said, "Yes, at the end could you just add, 'PS: Please excuse the sloppy handwriting.'?"
August 10, 2021 - Parts Search
I was living in the mountains above Denver when my college buddy, Gary, arrived in his ancient Maserati sports car. He had just driven it from Ohio, and as he pulled into my driveway, the car broke down.
Calls to auto-supply houses and garages in search of replacement parts proved futile. The 1962 model was simply too rare. Responses ranged from "Mas-a-what?" to "You've got to be kidding."
One guy just laughed.
I was at the end of the listings in the Yellow Pages when I dialed Victor's Garage. "Vic," I said, "you're my last hope. Do you carry any parts for a 1962 Maserati?"
There was a long pause. Finally, Victor cleared his throat. "Yes," he replied. "Oil."
August 9, 2021 - Coast Guard Lingo
When my husband joined the Coast Guard, I knew there would be some adjustments. Not only did I have to get accustomed to his short haircut, but also to his new sailor lingo. I eventually got used to him saying aye instead of yes, but nothing prepared me for the night when I was seven months pregnant and trying to roll over in bed.
In his sleep, with a very military-sounding voice, my husband shouted at the top of his lungs, "She's comin' on the port side!"
August 8, 2021 - Remember that Street Name
In 1952 I was in the Army and just arrived in Frankfurt, Germany. I had no money and asked about getting some. I found out that it was easy to get to a pawn shop by calling a taxi.
I got a taxi (that was an experience in itself) went to a pawn shop and pawned my watch. I wrote down the street name and number so I could get back.
On payday I called a cab again to get my watch. I gave the driver the street and number as 2245 Eienbanstrausa and he burst out laughing.
Eienbanstrausa means "One Way Street."
August 7, 2021 - The Age Advantage
Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked.
She simply replied, "No peer pressure."
August 4, 2021 - New Diet
Needing to shed a few pounds, my husband and I went on a diet that had specific recipes for each meal of the day. I followed the instructions closely, dividing the finished recipe in half for our individual plates. We felt terrific and thought the diet was wonderful - we never even felt hungry!
But when we realized we were gaining weight, not losing it, I checked the recipes again.
There, in fine print, was: "Serves 6."
August 3, 2021 - A Great Workout
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour.
But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.
August 2, 2021 - Tycoon Banter
A Texas Oil Tycoon and an Alaskan Oil Tycoon were debating on which state had the most oil.
The Alaskan Oil Tycoon said, "Listen, there is so much oil in Alaska that I could buy enough gold to build a wall of solid gold 100 feet tall and 100 feet wide all the way around the state of Texas".
The Texas Oil Tycoon scratched his chin and adjusted his cowboy hat and said, "Well boy, I'll tell ya what....you just go ahead and build that wall, and if I like it.......I'll buy it."
August 1, 2021 - Tired and Thirsty
Three students are leaving their last classes of the day.
The law student is thinking, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have coffee."
The english student is thinking, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have latte."
The medical student is thinking, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have diabetes."
A lifeboat was called out to rescue a yacht in trouble. The coastguard, trying to get the yacht's location, called it on the radio. "What is your position? Repeat, what is your position?"
And the reply came back, "My position? Well I'm marketing director of a medium sized computer software company."
August 30, 2021 - True Wisdom? Pt. 3
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened.
Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
August 29, 2021 - True Wisdom? Pt. 2
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
OK...so what's the speed of dark?
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
August 28, 2021 - True Wisdom? Pt. 1
A day without sunshine is like....night.
On the other hand, you have more fingers.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
August 25, 2021 - Faulty Owner's Manual
One of my daughter's wedding presents was a toaster oven. Soon after the honeymoon, she and her husband tried it out. Almost immediately, smoke billowed out of the toaster. "Get the owner's manual!" her husband shouted.
"I can't find it anywhere!" she cried, searching through the box.
"Oops!" came a voice from the kitchen. "Well, the toast is fine, but the owner's manual is burnt to a crisp."
August 24, 2021 - Kitchen Help
My brother-in-law came home to an empty house one day and decided he would start dinner. First, he would make the salad. He searched high and low for the big bowl for making the salad and finally found it in the refrigerator, half full of Kool Aid.
"Who on earth put Kool Aid in a bowl?" He looked around and found some empty pop bottles, rinsed them out and using a funnel, transferred the Kool Aid to the pop bottles and returned them to the fridge. He then made the salad and started the rest of the dinner.
Later, my sister came home. She had been to the store and was putting some things in the fridge, when suddenly she asked her husband, "Who on earth put my Jello in pop bottles?"
August 23, 2021 - Healthful Place
Mr. Peterson, a tourist from Toronto, arrived in Barbados. In an airport taxi cab, Peterson asked the driver, "Say, is this really a healthful place?"
"It sure is," the cabby replied. "When I came here I couldn't say one word. I had hardly any hair on my head. I didn't have the strength to walk across a room, and I had to be lifted out of bed."
"That's wonderful!" said the tourist, "How long have you been here?"
"I was born here."
August 22, 2021 - Denture Feedback
A couple of old guys were golfing when one said he was going to Dr. Taylor for a new set of dentures in the morning.
His friend remarked that he had gone to the same dentist a few years before. "Is that so?" the first said. "Did he do a good job?"
"Well, I was on the course yesterday when the fellow on the ninth hole hooked a shot," he said. "The ball must have been going 200 mph when it hit me in the stomach. That," he added, "was the first time in two years my teeth didn't hurt."
August 21, 2021 - 75 Stories
Fred, Jim, and Scott were at a convention together and were sharing a large suite on the top of a 75-story skyscraper.
After a long day of meetings, they were shocked to hear that the elevators in their hotel were broken and they would have to climb 75 flights of stairs to get to their room.
Bill said to Jim and Scott, "Let's break the monotony of this unpleasant task by concentrating on something interesting. I'll tell jokes for 25 flights, Jim can sing songs for the next 25 flights, and Scott can tell sad stories for the rest of the way."
At the 26th floor, Bill stopped telling jokes and Jim began to sing. At the 51st floor, Jim stopped singing and Scott began to tell sad stories.
"I will tell my saddest story first," he said. "I left the room key in the car!"
August 18, 2021 - Bibles and Cellular Phones
I wonder what would happen if we treated our Bible like we treat our cell phones?
What if we carried it around on our belt, in our purses or pockets?
What if we turned back to go get it if we forgot it?
What if we flipped through it several times a day?
What if we used it to receive messages from the text?
What if we treated it like we couldn't live without it?
What if we gave it to kids as gifts?
What if we used it as we traveled?
What if we used it even when it wasn't an emergency?
This is something to make you go...hmmm...where is my Bible?
Oh, and one more thing...
Unlike our cell phone, we don't ever have to worry about our Bible being disconnected because Jesus already paid the bill!
August 17, 2021 - Orchestra Note
While a famous orchestra was on tour, the conductor found this note under his hotel room door one night:
"I think you should know that the fellow in your band who plays the instrument that pulls in and out only bothered playing during the odd moments you were looking at him and pointing your stick straight at him."
August 16, 2021 - Correct Response
While in an instrument flight-training class at Reese Air Force Base, Texas, I dozed off and, to my dismay, was awakened by a question posed by my instructor.
My buddy whispered the correct response to me. After I gave the answer, my instructor replied, "Good, lieutenant," but his remarks were directed to my friend.
"Next time, put your hand behind his neck to work his jaw, and don't let your lips move so much."
August 15, 2021 - Need a Pen?
A patient at the dental office where I was a receptionist stopped by my desk to pay her bill. She began rummaging through her purse, as so many patients did when they had a check to write.
"Do you need a pen?" I asked, offering her the use of mine.
"Yes, thank you," she replied. She took it, put it in her handbag and proceeded to pay in cash.
August 14, 2021 - Video Surprise
Without realizing it, I walked right into a police stakeout at my local video rental store. When a young man stepped out the door, a group of officers pounced, cuffed him and hustled him into a squad car.
Seeing my astonished frozen expression, one cop came over and said, "When they say the movie is due by noon the next day... they mean it!"
August 11, 2021 - Post Card Help
A man writing at the post office desk was approached by an older fellow with a post card in his hand. The old man said, "Sir, I'm sorry to bother you but could you address this post card for me? My arthritis is acting up today and I can't even hold a pen."
"Certainly sir," said the younger man, "I'd be glad to."
He wrote out the address and also agreed to write a short message and sign the card for the man. Finally, the younger man asked, "Now, is there anything else I can do for you?"
The old fellow thought about it for a moment and said, "Yes, at the end could you just add, 'PS: Please excuse the sloppy handwriting.'?"
August 10, 2021 - Parts Search
I was living in the mountains above Denver when my college buddy, Gary, arrived in his ancient Maserati sports car. He had just driven it from Ohio, and as he pulled into my driveway, the car broke down.
Calls to auto-supply houses and garages in search of replacement parts proved futile. The 1962 model was simply too rare. Responses ranged from "Mas-a-what?" to "You've got to be kidding."
One guy just laughed.
I was at the end of the listings in the Yellow Pages when I dialed Victor's Garage. "Vic," I said, "you're my last hope. Do you carry any parts for a 1962 Maserati?"
There was a long pause. Finally, Victor cleared his throat. "Yes," he replied. "Oil."
August 9, 2021 - Coast Guard Lingo
When my husband joined the Coast Guard, I knew there would be some adjustments. Not only did I have to get accustomed to his short haircut, but also to his new sailor lingo. I eventually got used to him saying aye instead of yes, but nothing prepared me for the night when I was seven months pregnant and trying to roll over in bed.
In his sleep, with a very military-sounding voice, my husband shouted at the top of his lungs, "She's comin' on the port side!"
August 8, 2021 - Remember that Street Name
In 1952 I was in the Army and just arrived in Frankfurt, Germany. I had no money and asked about getting some. I found out that it was easy to get to a pawn shop by calling a taxi.
I got a taxi (that was an experience in itself) went to a pawn shop and pawned my watch. I wrote down the street name and number so I could get back.
On payday I called a cab again to get my watch. I gave the driver the street and number as 2245 Eienbanstrausa and he burst out laughing.
Eienbanstrausa means "One Way Street."
August 7, 2021 - The Age Advantage
Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked.
She simply replied, "No peer pressure."
August 4, 2021 - New Diet
Needing to shed a few pounds, my husband and I went on a diet that had specific recipes for each meal of the day. I followed the instructions closely, dividing the finished recipe in half for our individual plates. We felt terrific and thought the diet was wonderful - we never even felt hungry!
But when we realized we were gaining weight, not losing it, I checked the recipes again.
There, in fine print, was: "Serves 6."
August 3, 2021 - A Great Workout
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour.
But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.
August 2, 2021 - Tycoon Banter
A Texas Oil Tycoon and an Alaskan Oil Tycoon were debating on which state had the most oil.
The Alaskan Oil Tycoon said, "Listen, there is so much oil in Alaska that I could buy enough gold to build a wall of solid gold 100 feet tall and 100 feet wide all the way around the state of Texas".
The Texas Oil Tycoon scratched his chin and adjusted his cowboy hat and said, "Well boy, I'll tell ya what....you just go ahead and build that wall, and if I like it.......I'll buy it."
August 1, 2021 - Tired and Thirsty
Three students are leaving their last classes of the day.
The law student is thinking, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have coffee."
The english student is thinking, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have latte."
The medical student is thinking, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have diabetes."
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)