July 31, 2024 - Brotherly Advice
Charlie was playing with his little brother Mickey when the little boy asked whether he could fly like Superman.
"Sure you can, Mickey," Charlie said. "Just flap your arms really hard."
So Mickey climbed up on the windowsill, started flapping like mad, jumped, then smashed into the ground just a few inches below.
Horrified, their mother came screaming into the room and said, "What happened?"
Charlie said, "I was just teaching Mickey not to believe everything he's told."
July 30, 2024 - Frantic Writing
My neighbor was bitten by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was and found him writing frantically.
I told him rabies could be cured and he didn't have to worry about writing a will.
He said, "Will!? What will? I'm making a list of the people I wanna bite!"
July 29, 2024 - Car Accident Honesty
A man was trying to pull out of a parking place but bashed the bumper of the parked car in front of him.
Witnessed by a handful of pedestrians waiting for a bus, the driver got out, inspected the damage, and proceeded to write a note to leave on the windshield of the car he had hit.
The note read:
"Hello. I have just hit your car, and there are some people here watching me who think that I am writing this note to leave you my name, phone number, and driver's license number, but I am not."
July 26, 2024 - Bible Meaning
A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, "I know what the Bible means!"
His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible means?
The son replied, "I do know!"
"Okay," said his father. "What does the Bible mean?"
"That's easy, Daddy..." the young boy replied excitedly," It stands for 'Basic Information Before Leaving Earth..'
July 25, 2024 - Heaven
A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question, "Boys and girls, what do we know about God?" A hand shot up in the air. "He is an artist!" said the kindergarten boy.
"Really? How do you know?" the teacher asked. "You know - Our Father, who does art in Heaven... "
July 24, 2024 - Filling Up
A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump.
"Reverend," said the young man, "I'm so sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip." The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the same in my business."
July 23, 2024 - Position in LifePeople want the front of the bus, the back of the church, and the center of attention.
July 22, 2024 - Sunday Message
Sunday after church, a Mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was about. The daughter answered, "Don't be scared, you'll get your quilt."
Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed. Later in the day, the pastor stopped by for tea and the Mom asked him what that morning's Sunday school lesson was about. He said "Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming."
July 19, 2024 - Haircut for Two
After the man received the full treatment - shave, shampoo, manicure, haircut, etc. - he placed Little Johnny in the chair.
"I'm going to buy a green tie to wear for the parade," he said. "I'll be back in a few minutes."
When Little Johnny's haircut was complete and the man still hadn't returned, the barber said, "Looks like your daddy's forgotten all about you."
"That wasn't my daddy," said Little Johnny.
"He just walked up, took me by the hand and said, 'Come on, kid, we're gonna get a free haircut!'"
July 18, 2024 - No Place Like Home
While I was dining out with my children, a man came over to our table, and we started talking.
He asked where my kids go to school. I told him we home-schooled them.
With a raised eyebrow, he asked if my husband is the sole breadwinner for our family.
I said, "No, I also work . . out of our home."
Then, noticing our two-month-old son, he mentioned that his daughter had just had a baby, and he wondered what hospital our son was born in.
"He was born at home," I answered.
The man looked at me, then said, "Wow, you don't get out much, do you?"
July 17, 2024 - Serious Hook
After a particularly poor game of golf, a popular club member skipped the clubhouse and started to go home. As he was walking to the parking lot to get his car, a policeman stopped him and asked, "Did you tee off on the sixteenth hole about twenty minutes ago?"
"Yes," the golfer responded.
"Did you happen to hook your ball so that it went over the trees and off the course?"
"Yes, I did. How did you know?" he asked.
"Well," said the policeman very seriously, "Your ball flew out onto the highway and crashed through a driver's windshield. The car went out of control, crashing into five other cars and a fire truck. The fire truck couldn't make it to the fire, and the building burned down. So, what are you going to do about it?"
The golfer thought it over carefully and responded...
"I think I'll close my stance a little bit, tighten my grip and lower my right thumb."
July 16, 2024 - Misquote
A friend of mine attended a Christian college where the tradition was to deliver a box of notes nightly from the men's' dorm to the women's dorm and vice versa.
My friend would write his fiance a note every night and close it with an inspirational Scripture reference.
One night, he meant to write the reference II Corinthians 5:1, which says:
"Now we know that if the earthly tent we live in is destroyed, we have a building from God, an eternal house in heaven, not built by human hands."
Unfortunately, he referenced I Corinthians 5:1, which says:
"It is actually reported that there is sexual immorality among you, and of a kind that does not occur even among pagans..."
July 15, 2024 - Action
Old Jeb is the laziest man in the county. One day his best friend drove by his farm and noticed his barn was on fire. "Your barn's burning down," he yelled.
"I know it," replied Jeb.
"Well, ain't ya gonna do somethin'?" asked the friend.
"Do somethin'?" responded Jeb. "'Bout what?"
"Why about puttin' out the fire, ya durn fool." answered the friend.
"I am doin' somethin'." replied Jeb.
"What the heck are you doin', jist sittin' there 'n all?" asked Jeb's friend.
"I ain't jist sittin'," replied Jeb, "I'm sittin' here prayin' for rain."
July 12, 2024 - Looking Back
Soon after our last child left home for college, my husband was resting next to me on the couch with his head in my lap. I carefully removed his glasses.
"You know, honey," I said sweetly, "Without your glasses you look like the same handsome young man I married."
"Honey," he replied with a grin, "Without my glasses, you still look pretty good too!"
July 11, 2024 - Hospital Update
Hospital Update: Condition of boy who swallowed all those quarters - still no change
July 10, 2024 - Pastor Tim as the Dumb Guy
Three men go on a trip to the desert. One is smart, one is average, and the third is Pastor Tim. The smart guy says, "I brought water, so we won't go thirsty." The average guy says, "I brought food, so we won't go hungry." Then, they ask Pastor Tim what he brought, and Tim says, "I brought this car window, so we can roll it down, if we get hot."
But wait, there's more!
As it turns out, the window Pastor Tim brought came from a stolen car. The three men are arrested, taken to jail, and put in separate cells. Somehow, the smart guy manages to get hold of the keys, and unlocks each of their cells. They then proceed to escaping through a window.
The smart guy goes first, and sees a wall blocking his escape route. He also sees a tall tree next to the wall, which he starts climbing, figuring this was the only way to get past the wall. As the smart guy reaches the top of the wall, a guard on the other side hears him.
"Who's there?" asked the guard.
The smart guy replies with a convincing "Meow. Meow."
"Oh," says the guard, "it's only a cat in a tree." So the smart guy gets away.
The average guy goes next. He climbs the same tree, and the same guard hears him.
"Who's there?" "Tweet, tweet. Tweet, tweet."
"It's only a bird in a tree," the guard mutters. And, last but not least, it is now Pastor Tim's turn to escape. Now Tim has been watching the others make their escapes, and he likes their approach. So, he climbs the same tree, to get over the same wall, and meets the same guard. Meanwhile, Tim has been concentrating - what's wrong with that picture? -: Ok, animal noises. Think animal noises. Of course, the guard hears him, and asks, "Who's there?"
"Moooo. Moooo."
But wait, there's more!
All three men are recaptured, and taken, as targets, to the firing range as punishment for their jailbreak. The smart guy, as usual, goes first. They bring him out, and the man in charge yells, "Ready...Aim..-" But before he got a chance to continue, the smart guy yells, "Earthquake!!"
Everyone ducks and covers, and the smart guy gets away.
Next, the average guy is brought out. Again, the man in charge yells, "Ready...Aim..-"
"Tornado!!"
They all scatter, and the average guy gets away.
Finally, they bring Pastor Tim out. Once again, Pastor Tim has been watching the other two, and, once again has been concentrating - twice in the same day?! -:
Once again, the man in charge yells, "Ready...Aim..-"
"Fire!!!" yells Pastor Tim.
July 9, 2024 - Weight Comeback
William Howard Taft weighed 335 lbs. which was a lot even for his six-foot frame.
One day someone pointed to Taft's massive stomach and asked, "What are you going to name the baby?"
The president replied: "If it's a boy, he will be a junior. If it's a girl I'll name her Helen. But if, as I expect, it is only gas, I'll name it after you."
July 8, 2024 - Excuse Me Driver
A guy in a taxi wanted to speak to the driver so he leaned forward and tapped him on the shoulder.
The driver screamed, jumped up in the air and yanked the wheel over.
The car mounted the curb, demolished a lamppost and came to a stop inches from a shop window.
The startled passenger said, "I didn't mean to frighten you, I just wanted to ask you something."
The Taxi driver said, "It's not your fault sir. It's my first day as a cab driver.
I've been driving a hearse for the past 25 years!"
July 7, 2024 - Assumptions
During my stay at an expensive hotel in New York City, I woke up in the middle of the night with an upset stomach.
I called room service and ordered some soda crackers. When I looked at the charge slip, I was furious. I called room service and raged, "I know I'm in a luxury hotel, but $11.50 for six crackers is ridiculous!"
"The crackers are complimentary," the voice at the other end coolly explained. "I believe you are complaining about your room number."
July 6, 2024 - Relevancy
The pastor told the search committee, "If I am voted in as pastor of this church, I will work hard to bring us into the 20th century."
Someone spoke up, "Uh, Preacher, don't you mean the 21st century?"
The pastor replied, "Let's take it one century at a time."
July 5, 2024 - Husband Chair Feedback
A young man was sitting next to me in one of the two "husband chairs" in a ladies' clothing store.
After 30 minutes and five outfits, the fellow's wife came out of the change room again.
He looked at her and immediately said: "That looks good on you. Get that one."
"Honey," she replied, "this is what I was wearing when we came in."
July 4, 2024 - Sons-in-Law and Daughters-In-Law
Congratulating a friend after her son and daughter got married within a month of each other, a woman asked, "What kind of boy did your daughter marry?"
"Oh, he's wonderful," gushed the mother. "He lets her sleep late, wants her to go to the beauty parlour regularly, and insists on taking her out to dinner every night."
"That's sounds lovely," said the woman. "What about your son?"
"I'm not so happy about that," the mother sighed. "His wife sleeps late, spends all her time in the beauty parlour, and makes them eat take-out meals!"
July 3, 2024 - Clumsy Ad Copy
- No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will make it really repellent.
- We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
- For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
- Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.
- Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
- Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.
- Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.
July 2, 2024 - Born Salesman
I learned a lesson in marketing from a man who bought an old boat, a trailer, and a motor from me. "Thanks," he said as he loaded them up. "I'm planning to resell them."
Good luck, I thought. I had been trying to get rid of them for months. But when I ran into him a few weeks later, he'd sold everything.
"How did you manage that?" I marveled.
"I took out an ad: 'Heavy-duty boat trailer with free boat.' When the buyer came to get it, I asked if he had a motor. He said no. I told him I happened to have one in my garage. Bought that, too."
July 1, 2024 - Living History Museum
Marv took his family to visit a living history museum, which included seeing houses and stores that were more than one hundred years old.
After they entered an old one-room schoolhouse Marv pointed to a desk that had an empty hole for an ink bottle.
"What do you think this hole was for?" he asked his kids.
His twelve-year-old son Martin replied, "It's a Coke can holder."
July 2023
June 2024
June 14, 2024 - Surgery Headache
A man who had just undergone a very complicated operation kept complaining about a bump on his head and a terrible headache. Since his operation had been an intestinal one, there was no earthly reason why he should be complaining of
a headache.
Finally his nurse, fearing that the man might be suffering from some post-operative shock, spoke to the doctor about it.
The doctor assured the nurse, "Don't worry about a thing. He really does have a bump on his head. About halfway through the operation we ran out of anesthetic."
June 13, 2024 - Just Name the Fee
When the wealthy businessman choked on a fish bone at a restaurant, he was fortunate that a doctor was seated at a nearby table.
Springing up, the doctor skillfully removed the bone and saved the man's life.
As soon as the fellow had calmed himself and could talk again, he thanked the surgeon enthusiastically and offered to pay him for his services.
"Just name the fee," he croaked gratefully.
"Okay," replied the doctor. "How about half of what you'd have offered when the bone was still stuck in your throat?"
June 12, 2024 - Ten Laws of Life
1. When ones hands are covered in oil, grease, or glue, your nose will start to itch. (Law of Itchiban)
2. Your insurance will cover everything but what has happened. (Incuranctions So Sorry Law)
3. When things seem easy to do, it's because you haven't followed all the instructions. (Destiny Awaits Law)
4. The cost is always higher than one budgets for, and it's exactly 3.14 times higher, hence the importance of pi. (Law of Pi Eyed)
5. The probability that one will spill food on one's clothes is directly proportional to its need to be clean. (Law of Campbell's Scoop)
6. Each and every body sitting on a commode will cause the doorbell to ring. (Law of Gotta Go!)
7. Wind velocity will increase proportionally to the cost of one's hairdo. (The Hair-Wind Principle)
8. After discarding something not used for years, you will need it one week later. (Law of Irreversibility)
9. Arriving for an appointment will cause the receptionist to be absent, and if one arrives late, everyone else else arrived before you. (Law of De Lay)
10. Do not take life too serious, because in the end, you won't come out alive anyway. (Law of Absolute Certainly)
June 11, 2024 - Earring Rush
A man rushed to the jewelry counter in the store where I work soon after the doors opened one morning and said he needed a pair of diamond earrings. I showed him a wide selection, and quickly he picked out a pair.
When I asked him if he wanted the earrings gift-wrapped, he said, "That'ld be great. But can you make it quick? I forgot today was my anniversary, and my wife thinks I'm taking out the trash."
June 10, 2024 - Sign Return
I was on board the USS Kitty Hawk when we docked in the Sri Lankan capital, Colombo.
One morning, as the local fishing fleet passed by on its way out to sea, a boat came too close to our ship. A Marine held up a sign warning the captain to stay away, and he complied.
But the next day, the boat was back. This time, the fisherman held something. The nervous Marine pointed to his rifle. The fisherman lifted the object and unfurled it, revealing a sign of his own.
In perfect English it read, "Your Sign Is Upside Down."
June 7, 2024 - Drought Conditions
Two brothers, both farmers, were talking on the phone.
One asked the other how bad the drought was in his area.
The other replied, “Well it's got so bad they've closed two lanes at the local swimming pool."
June 6, 2024 - Goodwill Offering
During the last Sunday service that the visiting pastor was to spend at the church he served for some months, his hat was passed around for a goodwill offering.
When it returned to the pastor, it was empty. The pastor didn't flinch.
He raised the hat to Heaven and said, "I thank You, Lord, that at least I got my hat back from this congregation."
June 5, 2024 - Employment Application
Employment application blanks always ask 'Who is to be notified in case of an emergency' and I think you should write, "A Good Doctor!"
June 4, 2024 - School Excuse
At the school where my mother worked, the two first-grade teachers were Miss Paine and Mrs. Hacking. One morning the mother of a student called in the middle of a flu epidemic to excuse her daughter from school.
"Is she in Paine or Hacking?" the school secretary asked.
"She feels fine," said the confused mom. "We have company and I'm keeping her home."
June 3, 2024 - You Might be a Pastor If…
~ You've waded in a creek wearing a necktie.
~ You've ever dreamed you were preaching only to waken and discover that you were.
~ You'd rather negotiate with terrorists than the church organist.
~ You see a picnic as no picnic.
~ You've ever wanted to fire the church and form a congregation search committee.
~ You've been tempted to take up an offering at a family reunion.
~ You've ever wanted to give the sound man some feedback of your own.
~ You've ever wanted to lay hands on a deacon, and you didn't mean praying for him.
~ You often feel like you are herding cats instead of shepherding sheep.
~ Your sermons have a happy ending...everyone's happy when it ends.
~ You've never preached on TV, because your wife made you get down before you broke something.
~ You feel that it is your job to comfort the afflicted and afflict the comfortable.