October 31, 2026 - As They Get Old Pun - Part 1
As They Get Old . . .
Old accountants never die, they just lose their balance.
Old actors never die, they just drop apart.
Old archers never die, they just bow and quiver.
Old architects never die, they just lose their structures.
Old bankers never die, they just lose interest.
Old basketball players never die, they just go on dribbling.
Old beekeepers never die, they just buzz off.
Old bookkeepers never die, they just lose their figures.
Old bosses never die, much as you want them to.
Old cashiers never die, they just check out.
Old chauffeurs never die, they just lose their drive.
Old chemists never die, they just fail to react.
Old cleaning people never die, they just kick the bucket.
Old cooks never die, they just get deranged.
Old daredevils never die, they just get discouraged.
Old deans never die, they just lose their faculties.
Old doctors never die, they just lose their patience.
Old electricians never die, they just lose contact.
Old farmers never die, they just go to seed.
Old garagemen never die, they just retire.
October 30, 2026 - As They Get Old Pun - Part 2
As They Get Old . . .
Old hackers never die, they just go to bits.
Old hardware engineers never die, they just cache in their chips.
Old hippies never die, they just smell that way.
Old horticulturists never die, they just go to pot.
Old hypochondriacs never die, they just lose their grippe.
Old investors never die, they just roll over.
Old journalists never die, they just get de-pressed.
Old knights in chain mail never die, they just shuffle off their metal coils.
Old laser physicists never die, they just become incoherent.
Old lawyers never die, they just lose their appeal.
Old limbo dancers never die, they just go under.
Old mathematicians never die, they just disintegrate.
Old milkmaids never die, they just lose their whey.
Old ministers never die, they just get put out to pastor...
Old musicians never die, they just get played out.
Old number theorists never die, they just get past their prime.
Old numerical analysts never die, they just get disarrayed.
Old owls never die, they just don't give a hoot.
Old pacifists never die, they just go to peaces.
Old professors never die, they just lose their class.
October 29, 2026 - War
As the regiment moved out, the crowd cheered. One soldier asked another, "Who are all those cheering people?"
The veteran answered, "They're the ones who aren't going."
October 28, 2026 - Dig, Dig, Dig
A husband and wife constantly bickered and fought, often yelling deep into the night. Most fights ended with the husband shouting, "When I die, I will dig my way up, out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"
Everybody in the neighborhood who heard this threat feared and avoided him for his temper - a fact he enjoyed right up to the day he dropped dead of a heart attack in the middle of one of his tirades.
After his funeral and burial, his widow threw a huge party for the neighborhood to celebrate their shared freedom. The neighbors, however, were concerned for her safety and asked, "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way out of the grave and haunt you for the rest of your life?"
The wife smiled and said, "Let him dig. I had him buried upside down. And I know he won't ask for directions."
October 27, 2026 - Foreign Pizza
An American businessman goes to Japan on a business trip, but he hates Japanese food, so he asks the concierge at his hotel if there's any place around where he can get American food.
The concierge tells him he's in luck, there's a pizza place that just opened, and they deliver. The concierge gives the businessman the phone number, and he goes back to his room and orders a pizza.
Thirty minutes later, the delivery guy shows up to the door with the pizza.
The businessman takes the pizza, and starts sneezing uncontrollably. He asks the delivery man, "What on earth did you put on this pizza?"
The delivery man bows deeply and says, "We put on the pizza what you ordered, pepper only."
October 24, 2026 - Ballet Audition
There was once a beautiful fairy who yearned to be a ballet dancer. When she heard that the Royal Ballet was holding auditions in a nearby town, she harnessed 100 white pigeons to her chariot and flew to the theater.
The director took one look at the fairy's spectacular entrance and told her to go away. "But why?" she wailed.
"Because we've got enough pigeon-towed dancers in the company already.
October 23, 2026 - Motivation
The head of a small industrial company posted DO IT NOW signs all around his office and plant in hopes of getting better results from his workers.
Some weeks later, when asked why he was removing the slogans, he said, "It worked too well: the bookkeeper skipped with $20,000; the chief clerk eloped with the best secretary I've ever had; three salesmen asked for raises; and the workers in the factory joined the union and are out on strike."
October 22, 2026 - Congress Crash
A plane full of congressmen on a political fact-finding tour crashed in the middle of rural America. Panic stricken, the FBI mobilized and descended on the farm in force.
When they got there, all they found was a burned hulk, smoldering in a tree line that bordered a farm. The agents descended upon the smoking hulk but could find no remains of the crew or passengers. To their amazement, a lone farmer was plowing a field not too far away as if nothing at all had happened. They hurried over to surround the man's tractor.
"Sir," the senior FBI agent asked, panting and out of breath. "Did you see this terrible accident happen?"
"Yep. Sure did." The farmer muttered unconcernedly.
"Did you realize that plane was full of congressmen?"
"Yep."
"Weren't there any survivors?" the agent gasped.
"Nope. They's all kilt straight out." The farmer sighed, cutting off his tractor motor. "I done buried them all myself. Took most of the morning too."
"All of the Senators were dead?" The agent gulped in disbelief.
"Well," the farmer sighed, obviously wanting to get back to his work.
"A few of 'em kept a-saying they wasn't ... but you know what liars all them career politicians is."
October 20, 2026 - Fourth Grade Logic
A fourth-grade teacher was giving her pupils a lesson in logic.
"Here is the situation," she said. "A man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing. He loses his balance, falls in, and begins splashing and yelling for help. His wife hears the commotion, knows he can't swim, and runs down to the bank. Why do you think she ran to the bank?"
A girl raised her hand and asked,
"To draw out all his savings?"
October 17, 2026 - Carpet Complaints
My mother is always complaining about how dirty the carpet in my room is.
I can't help it - it's my nature to abhor a vacuum.
October 16, 2026 - Peacefulness, Pacifism
A burglar entered the house of a Quaker and proceeded to rob it. The Quaker heard the noise and took his shotgun downstairs.
Upon finding the burglar he aimed his gun and said gently,"Friend, I mean thee no harm, but thou standest where I am about to shoot."
October 15, 2026 - Christian Football
Quarterback Sneak - Church members quietly leaving during the invitation.
Draw Play - What many children do with the bulletin during worship.
Half-time - The period between Sunday School and worship when many choose to leave.
Benchwarmer - Those who do not sing, pray, work, or apparently do anything but sit.
Backfield-in-Motion - Making a trip to the back (restroom or water fountain) during the service.
Staying in the Pocket - What happens to a lot of money that should be given to the Lord's work.
Two-minute Warning - The point at which you realize the sermon is almost over and begin to gather up your children and belongings.
Instant Replay - The preacher loses his notes and falls back on last week's illustrations.
Sudden Death - What happens to the attention span of the congregation if the preacher goes "overtime."
Trap - You're called on to pray and are asleep.
End Run - Getting out of church quick, without speaking to any guest or fellow member.
Flex Defense - The ability to allow absolutely nothing said during the sermon to affect your life.
Halfback Option - The decision of 50% of the congregation not to return for the evening service.
Blitz - The rush for the restaurants following the closing prayer.
From the Dog:
Curiosity Killed the Cat: that's the dog's story, and he's sticking to it!
October 14, 2026 - Why Dogs are Better Than Kids
45 minutes to get a dog ready to go outside in the winter? -- NOT!
Dogs cannot lie.
Dogs never resist nap time.
You don't need to get extra phone lines for a dog.
Dogs don't pester you about getting a kid.
Dogs don't care if the peas have been touched by the potatoes.
Average cost of sending a dog to school: $42...
Average cost of sending a kid: $103,000...
Dogs are housebroken by the time they are 12 weeks old.
Your dog isn't embarrassed if you sing in public.
October 13, 2026 - Internet Cleaning
As many of you know, each year the Internet must be shut down for 24 hours in order to allow us to clean it. The cleaning process, which eliminates dead email and inactive ftp, www and gopher sites, allows for a better working and faster Internet.
This year, the cleaning process will take place from 12:01 a.m.. GMT on April 1st until 12:01 a.m., GMT on April 2nd During that 24-hour period, five powerful Internet search engines situated around the world will search the Internet and delete any data that they find.
In order to protect your valuable data from deletion we ask that you do the following:
1. Disconnect all terminals and local area networks from their Internet connections.
2. Shut down all Internet servers, or disconnect them from the Internet.
3. Disconnect all disks and hard drives from any connections to the Internet.
4. Refrain from connecting any computer to the Internet in any way.
We understand the inconvenience that this may cause some Internet users, and we apologize. However, we are certain that any inconveniences will be more than made up for by the increased speed and efficiency of the Internet, once it has been cleared of electronic flotsam and jetsam.
We thank you for your cooperation.
Interconnected Network Maintenance staff, Main branch, Massachusetts Institute of Technology
*****************
Please notify your friends relatives and business associates on this event so they too will be prepared.
October 10, 2026 - Memory
Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.
October 9, 2026 -Sick Days
It was the toughest experience of my life.
First, I got angina pectoris and then arteriosclerosis. Just as I was recovering from these, I got tuberculosis, double pneumonia and phthisis. Appendicitis was followed by tonsillectomy.
These gave way to aphasia and hypertrophic cirrhosis. I completely lost my memory for a while. I know I had diabetes and acute ingestion, besides gastritis, rheumatism, lumbago and neuritis.
Realizing that perhaps I might do better with another doctor, I made an appointment at new medical office. The receptionist had me fill out forms that included my medical history.
I don't know how I pulled through it. It was the hardest spelling test I've ever had.
October 8, 2026 - Judging Others
Heavenly Father, Help us remember that the jerk who cut us off in traffic last night is a single mother who worked nine hours that day and is rushing home to cook dinner, help with homework, do the laundry and spend a few precious moments with her children.
October 7, 2026 - Terror Cells in Church
Latest news reports are that five terrorist cell groups have been operating in many of our churches. They have been identified as: Bin Sleepin, Bin Arguin, Bin Fightin, Bin Complainin, and Bin Missin. Their leader, Lucifer Bin Workin, trained these groups to destroy the Body of Christ. The plan is to come into the church disguised as Christians and to work within the church to discourage, disrupt, and destroy.
However, there have been reports of a sixth group. A tiny cell known by the name Bin Prayin is actually the only effective counter terrorism force in the church. Unlike other terrorist cells, the Bin Prayin team does not blend in with whoever and whatever comes along. Bin Prayin does whatever is needed to uplift and encourage the Body of Christ. We have noticed that the Bin Prayin cell group has different characteristics than the others. They have Bin Watchin, Bin Waitin, Bin Fastin, and Bin Longin for their Master, Jesus Christ, to return.
NO CHURCH IS EXEMPT!
(However, you can spot them if you bin lookin and bin goin.)
Help us to remember that the pierced, tattooed, disinterested young man who can't make change correctly is a worried 19-year-old college student, balancing his apprehension over final exams with his fear of not getting his student loans for next semester.
Remind us, Lord, that the scary looking bum, begging for money in the same spot every day (who really ought to get a job!) is a slave to addictions that we can only imagine in our worst nightmares.
Help us to remember that the old couple walking annoyingly slow through the store aisles and blocking our shopping progress are savoring this moment, knowing that, based on the biopsy report she got back last week, this will be the last year that they go shopping together.
Heavenly Father, remind us each day that, of all the gifts you give us, the greatest gift is love. It is not enough to share that love with those we hold dear. Open our hearts not to just those who are close to us, but to all humanity.
Let us be slow to judge and quick to forgive, show patience, empathy and love.
October 6, 2026 - Senate Comeback
A member of the Senate, known for his hot temper and acid tongue, exploded one day in mid-session and began to shout,
"Half of this Senate is made up of cowards and corrupt politicians!"
All the other Senators pleaded to the angry member that he withdraw his statement or be removed from the remainder of the session.
After a long pause, the angry member accepted.
"Ok" he said, "I withdraw what I said.
Half of this Senate is NOT made up of cowards and corrupt politicians!"
October 4, 2026 - Playing Through
A man was about to tee off on the golf course when he felt a tap on his shoulder and a man handed him a card that read, "I am a deaf mute. May I play through, please?"
The first man angrily gave the card back, and made it clear that, no, he may NOT play through, and that his handicap did not give him such a right.
The first man whacked the ball onto the green & left to finish the hole.
Just as he was about to put his ball into the hole he was hit in the head with a golf ball, laying him out cold.
When he came to, a few minutes later, he looked around and saw the deaf mute sternly looking at him, one hand on his hip, the other holding up 4 fingers.
October 3, 2026 - Weather Forecaster
To tell the weather, go to your back door and look for the dog.
If the dog is at the door and he is wet, it's probably raining.
But if the dog is standing there really soaking wet, it is probably raining really hard.
If the dog's fur looks like it's been rubbed the wrong way, it's probably windy.
If the dog has snow on his back, it's probably snowing.
Of course, to be able to tell the weather like this, you have to leave the dog outside all the time, especially if you expect bad weather.
Sincerely, The CAT
October 2, 2026 - Office Meetings
We will continue having meetings, everyday, until I find out why no work is getting done.
October 1, 2026 - Behavior Modification Reinforcers
The HMO account manager noticed that nearly every bill from a certain pediatrician’s office included the line item “Behavior modification reinforcers.”
Alarmed that the pediatrician was engaging in some unapproved, experimental psychological treatment, she called the physician’s office to inquire, “What on earth are behavior modification reinforcers?”
“Lollipops,” was the reply.
September 2026
Sept. 30, 2026 - Parent Education
On a flight to Florida, Mary was preparing notes for one of the parent education seminars she conducted.
The elderly woman sitting next to Mary explained that she was returning to Miami after having spent two weeks visiting her 6 children, 18 grandchildren and 10 great-grandchildren in Boston. Then she inquired what Mary did for a living.
Mary told her that she was an educational psychologist, fully expecting the elderly woman to question her for free professional advice.
Instead the elderly woman sat back and said, "If there's anything you want to know, just ask me."
Sept. 29, 2026 - Penny Problems
After tucking their three-year-old child Sammy in for bed one night, his parents heard sobbing coming from his room.
Rushing back in, they found him crying hysterically. He managed to tell them that he had swallowed a penny and he was sure he was going to die. No amount of talking was helping.
His father, in an attempt to calm him down, palmed a penny from his pocket and pretended to pull it from Sammy's ear. Sammy was delighted.
In a flash, he snatched it from his father's hand, swallowed, and then cheerfully demanded, "Do it again, Dad!"
Sept. 26, 2026 - The Hokey Pokey
With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week.
Larry LaPrise, the man that wrote "The Hokie Pokey" died peacefully at the age of 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin.
They put his left leg in. That's when the trouble started...
Sept. 25, 2026 - Strings Attached
Life is full of commitments: Even when you are born there is a string attached.
Sept. 24, 2026 - Johnny's Home
After the dedication service of his baby brother in church, little Johnny sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car.
His father asked him three times what was wrong.
Finally, the boy replied, "That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I wanted to stay with you guys."
Sept. 23, 2026 - Goal Update
No, I'm not going to give up trying to become The Invisible Man: Have I made myself clear?
Sept. 22, 2026 - The Law of the Garbage Truck
One day I hopped in a taxi and we took off for the airport. We were driving in the right lane when suddenly a black car jumped out of a parking space right in front of us.
My taxi driver slammed on his brakes, skidded, and missed the other car by just inches! The driver of the other car whipped his head around and started yelling at us. My taxi driver just smiled and waved at the guy. And I mean, he was really friendly.
So I asked, "Why did you just do that? That guy almost ruined your car and sent us to the hospital!"
This is when my taxi driver taught me what I now call, "The Law of the Garbage Truck."
He explained that many people are like garbage trucks. They run around full of garbage -- frustration, anger, disappointment. As their garbage piles up, they need a place to dump it and sometimes they'll dump it on you.
Don't take it personally. Just smile, wave, wish them well, and move on.
Don't take their garbage and spread it to other people at work, at home, or on the streets.
The bottom line is that successful people do not let garbage trucks take over their day. Love the people who treat you right. Pray for the ones who don't."
Sept. 19, 2026 - Check Your Bill
A corporate executive received a monthly bill from the law firm that was handling a big case for his company. It included hourly billing for conferences, research, phone calls, fax, photocopying, and everything but lunch hours.
Unhappy as he was, the executive knew that the company would have to pay for each of these services.
Then he noticed one item buried in the middle of the list:
"For crossing the street to talk to you, then discovering it wasn't you at all - $125."
Sept. 18, 2026 - Wedding Engagement
I realized that my five-year-old grandson had been watching too many reality TV shows the day we attended a relative's wedding.
As the four bridesmaids walked down the aisle toward the front of the church, he turned to me and asked,
"Is this where the groom decides which one he wants to marry?"
Sept. 17, 2026 - Amish At The Mall
An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall for the first time. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, "What is this, Father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room.
The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, 24-year-old blonde woman stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, "Go get your mother."
Sept. 16, 2026 - What's Your Religion?
I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. I immediately ran over and said "Stop! Don't do it!"
"Why shouldn't I?" he said.
I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!"
"Like what?"
"Well ... are you religious or atheist?"
"Religious."
"Me too! Are you Christian or Jewish?"
"Christian."
"Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?"
"Protestant."
"Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?"
"Baptist."
"Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?"
"Baptist Church of God."
"Me too! Are you Original Baptist Church of God, or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?"
"Reformed Baptist Church of God."
"Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915?"
"Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915!"
To which I said, "Die, heretic scum!" and pushed him off.
Sept. 15, 2026 - Bad Day at Work
This is even funnier when you realize it's real!
Next time you have a bad day at work, think of this guy. Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana. He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an e-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to radio station 103.2-FM in Ft. Wayne, Indiana, which was sponsoring a worst job experience contest. Needless to say, she won.
Hi Sue, just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all. Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job.
As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wet suit. This time of year the water is quite cool, so what we do to keep warm is this: we have a diesel-powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose.
Now this sounds like a pretty good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wet suit. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi.
Everything was going well, until all of a sudden, my rear end started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse.
Within a few seconds, it started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony, I realized what had happened.
The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into myself.
I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear because he and five other divers were all laughing hysterically. Needless to say, I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops, totaling thirty-five minutes, before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression.
When I arrived at the surface and climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it onto the affected area as soon as I got into the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but it took two days before I could sit down again.
So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved down your pants. Now repeat to yourself, "I love my job, I love my job, I love my job."
Now, whenever you have a bad day, ask yourself: Is this a jellyfish bad day?
September 12, 2026 - Bachelor's Cat
A bachelor kept a cat for companionship, and loved his cat more than life itself.
He was planning a trip to England and entrusted the cat to his brother's care. As soon as he arrived in England he called his brother.
"How is my cat?" he asked. "Your cat is dead," came the reply.
"Oh my," he exclaimed. "Did you have to tell me that way?"
"How else can I tell you your cat's dead?" inquired the brother.
"You should have led me up to it gradually," said the bachelor. "For an example, when I called tonight you could have told me my cat was on the roof, but the Fire Department is getting it down. When I called tomorrow night, you could have told me that they dropped him and broke his back, but a fine surgeon is doing all he can for him. Then, when I called the third night, you could have told me the surgeon did all he could but my cat passed away. That way it wouldn't have been such a shock."
"By the way," he continued, "how's Mother?"
"Mother?" came the reply. "Oh, she's up on the roof, but the Fire Department is getting her down."
September 11, 2026 - Troublemakers
After the revival had concluded, the three pastors were discussing the results with one another.
The Methodist minister said, "The revival worked out great for us! We gained 4 new families."
The Baptist preacher said, "We did better than that! We gained 6 new families."
The Presbyterian pastor said, "Well, we did even better than that! We got rid of our 10 biggest trouble makers!
September 10, 2026 - Seriously Hurt?
A policeman arrives at the scene of an accident, in which a car smashed into a tree.
The officer rushes over to the vehicle and asks the driver, "Are you seriously hurt?"
"How do I know?" the driver responds. "I'm not a lawyer."
September 9, 2026 - How Many Dogs Does It Take To Change A Light Bulb?
Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned-out light bulb?
Border Collie: Just one. And I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.
Dachshund: I can't reach the stupid lamp!
Toy Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.
Rottweiler: Go Ahead! Make me!
Shi-tzu: Puh-leeze, dah-ling. Let the servants. . . .
Lab: Oh, me, me!!! Pleeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Can I?
Malamute: Let the Border collie do it.. You can feed me while he's busy.
Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.
Doberman Pinscher: While it's dark, I'm going to sleep on the couch.
Mastiff: Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark.
Hound Dog: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.
Pointer: I see it, there it is, right there...
Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?
Australian Shepherd: Put all the light bulbs in a little circle...
Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? Light bulb? That thing I just ate was a light bulb?
September 8, 2026 - General Store
"I went to a general store, but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific."
September 6, 2026 - North Americans, Character, Hypocrisy
We yell for the Government to balance the budget, then take the last dime we have to make the down payment on a car that will take 5 years to pay off.
We demand speed laws that will stop fast driving, then won't buy a car if it can't go over 100 miles an hour.
We know the line-up of every baseball team in the American and National Leagues but mumble through half the words our national athems.
We'll spend half a day looking for vitamin pills to make us live longer, then drive 90 miles an hour on slick pavement to make up for lost time.
We tie up our dog while letting our sixteen year old son run wild.
We will work hard on a farm so we can move into town where we can make more money so we can move back to the farm.
We get upset we're spending over a billion dollars for education, but spend three billion dollars a year for cigarettes.
In the office we talk about baseball, shopping or fishing, but when we are out at the game, the mall or on the lake, we talk about business.
We're supposed to be the most civilized Christian place on earth, but we still can't deliver payrolls without an armored car.
We have more experts on marriage than any other country in the world and still have more divorces.
We have more food to eat than anywhere in the world and more diets to keep us from eating it.
September 5, 2026 - Passed Note
A nearsighted minister glanced at the note that Mrs. Jones had sent to him by an usher.
The note read: "Bill Jones having gone to sea, his wife desires the prayers of the congregation for his safety."
Failing to observe the punctuation, he startled his audience by announcing:
"Bill Jones, having gone to see his wife, desires the prayers of the congregation for his safety."
September 4, 2026 - Brown Paper
A sheriff walks into a saloon and shouts for everyone's attention. "Has anyone seen Brown Paper Jake?" he asks.
"What's he look like?" asks one shoddy-looking cowboy.
"Well", replies the Sheriff, "he wears a brown paper hat, a brown paper waistcoat, a brown paper shirt, brown paper boots, brown paper pants, and a brown paper jacket."
"So what's he wanted for?" asks the same cowboy.
"Rustlin'."
September 3, 2026 - Possessions, Wealth
Two elderly gentlemen met up on the way to the funeral of one of their longtime buddies.
The deceased was thought to have accumulated much wealth. On the way to the cemetery, one old fellow asked the other, "How much did he leave?"
The other old fellow replied, "All of it."
September 2, 2026 - Tiny Colonel
A guy walked into a tavern and sat down on a barstool. He ordered a beer and a shot glass of whiskey. The bartender was surprised to see him place the shot glass into the pocket of his overcoat. The man proceeded to drink his beer, then reached into his coat pocket and removed the shot glass, empty.
He ordered another beer and shot glass of whiskey, and again placed the shot glass into his coat pocket. Again he removed the glass empty, then ordered another round.
Overcome by curiosity, the bartender asked the man why he kept putting the shot glass into his pocket.
"Oh," he said, "that's for the Colonel?"
"The Colonel? Who's the Colonel?"
The man reached into his pocket and removed a little man, about 12 inches high, dressed in the uniform of a British army colonel. He placed the little man on the counter.
"Is he real?" asked the bartender.
"Sure he's real. Colonel, would you mind walking up and down the bar a little way?"
The little colonel marched briskly a few feet up the bar and turned around, then marched back to where the man sat. "That's the most amazing thing I've ever seen! Can he talk too?"
"Of course he can talk," said the man.
"Colonel, why don't you tell him about the time that you were stationed in Africa and called that witch doctor a liar?
On a flight to Florida, Mary was preparing notes for one of the parent education seminars she conducted.
The elderly woman sitting next to Mary explained that she was returning to Miami after having spent two weeks visiting her 6 children, 18 grandchildren and 10 great-grandchildren in Boston. Then she inquired what Mary did for a living.
Mary told her that she was an educational psychologist, fully expecting the elderly woman to question her for free professional advice.
Instead the elderly woman sat back and said, "If there's anything you want to know, just ask me."
Sept. 29, 2026 - Penny Problems
After tucking their three-year-old child Sammy in for bed one night, his parents heard sobbing coming from his room.
Rushing back in, they found him crying hysterically. He managed to tell them that he had swallowed a penny and he was sure he was going to die. No amount of talking was helping.
His father, in an attempt to calm him down, palmed a penny from his pocket and pretended to pull it from Sammy's ear. Sammy was delighted.
In a flash, he snatched it from his father's hand, swallowed, and then cheerfully demanded, "Do it again, Dad!"
Sept. 26, 2026 - The Hokey Pokey
With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week.
Larry LaPrise, the man that wrote "The Hokie Pokey" died peacefully at the age of 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin.
They put his left leg in. That's when the trouble started...
Sept. 25, 2026 - Strings Attached
Life is full of commitments: Even when you are born there is a string attached.
Sept. 24, 2026 - Johnny's Home
After the dedication service of his baby brother in church, little Johnny sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car.
His father asked him three times what was wrong.
Finally, the boy replied, "That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I wanted to stay with you guys."
Sept. 23, 2026 - Goal Update
No, I'm not going to give up trying to become The Invisible Man: Have I made myself clear?
Sept. 22, 2026 - The Law of the Garbage Truck
One day I hopped in a taxi and we took off for the airport. We were driving in the right lane when suddenly a black car jumped out of a parking space right in front of us.
My taxi driver slammed on his brakes, skidded, and missed the other car by just inches! The driver of the other car whipped his head around and started yelling at us. My taxi driver just smiled and waved at the guy. And I mean, he was really friendly.
So I asked, "Why did you just do that? That guy almost ruined your car and sent us to the hospital!"
This is when my taxi driver taught me what I now call, "The Law of the Garbage Truck."
He explained that many people are like garbage trucks. They run around full of garbage -- frustration, anger, disappointment. As their garbage piles up, they need a place to dump it and sometimes they'll dump it on you.
Don't take it personally. Just smile, wave, wish them well, and move on.
Don't take their garbage and spread it to other people at work, at home, or on the streets.
The bottom line is that successful people do not let garbage trucks take over their day. Love the people who treat you right. Pray for the ones who don't."
Sept. 19, 2026 - Check Your Bill
A corporate executive received a monthly bill from the law firm that was handling a big case for his company. It included hourly billing for conferences, research, phone calls, fax, photocopying, and everything but lunch hours.
Unhappy as he was, the executive knew that the company would have to pay for each of these services.
Then he noticed one item buried in the middle of the list:
"For crossing the street to talk to you, then discovering it wasn't you at all - $125."
Sept. 18, 2026 - Wedding Engagement
I realized that my five-year-old grandson had been watching too many reality TV shows the day we attended a relative's wedding.
As the four bridesmaids walked down the aisle toward the front of the church, he turned to me and asked,
"Is this where the groom decides which one he wants to marry?"
Sept. 17, 2026 - Amish At The Mall
An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall for the first time. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, "What is this, Father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room.
The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, 24-year-old blonde woman stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, "Go get your mother."
Sept. 16, 2026 - What's Your Religion?
I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. I immediately ran over and said "Stop! Don't do it!"
"Why shouldn't I?" he said.
I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!"
"Like what?"
"Well ... are you religious or atheist?"
"Religious."
"Me too! Are you Christian or Jewish?"
"Christian."
"Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?"
"Protestant."
"Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?"
"Baptist."
"Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?"
"Baptist Church of God."
"Me too! Are you Original Baptist Church of God, or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?"
"Reformed Baptist Church of God."
"Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915?"
"Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915!"
To which I said, "Die, heretic scum!" and pushed him off.
Sept. 15, 2026 - Bad Day at Work
This is even funnier when you realize it's real!
Next time you have a bad day at work, think of this guy. Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana. He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an e-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to radio station 103.2-FM in Ft. Wayne, Indiana, which was sponsoring a worst job experience contest. Needless to say, she won.
Hi Sue, just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all. Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job.
As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wet suit. This time of year the water is quite cool, so what we do to keep warm is this: we have a diesel-powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose.
Now this sounds like a pretty good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wet suit. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi.
Everything was going well, until all of a sudden, my rear end started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse.
Within a few seconds, it started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony, I realized what had happened.
The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into myself.
I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear because he and five other divers were all laughing hysterically. Needless to say, I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops, totaling thirty-five minutes, before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression.
When I arrived at the surface and climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it onto the affected area as soon as I got into the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but it took two days before I could sit down again.
So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved down your pants. Now repeat to yourself, "I love my job, I love my job, I love my job."
Now, whenever you have a bad day, ask yourself: Is this a jellyfish bad day?
September 12, 2026 - Bachelor's Cat
A bachelor kept a cat for companionship, and loved his cat more than life itself.
He was planning a trip to England and entrusted the cat to his brother's care. As soon as he arrived in England he called his brother.
"How is my cat?" he asked. "Your cat is dead," came the reply.
"Oh my," he exclaimed. "Did you have to tell me that way?"
"How else can I tell you your cat's dead?" inquired the brother.
"You should have led me up to it gradually," said the bachelor. "For an example, when I called tonight you could have told me my cat was on the roof, but the Fire Department is getting it down. When I called tomorrow night, you could have told me that they dropped him and broke his back, but a fine surgeon is doing all he can for him. Then, when I called the third night, you could have told me the surgeon did all he could but my cat passed away. That way it wouldn't have been such a shock."
"By the way," he continued, "how's Mother?"
"Mother?" came the reply. "Oh, she's up on the roof, but the Fire Department is getting her down."
September 11, 2026 - Troublemakers
After the revival had concluded, the three pastors were discussing the results with one another.
The Methodist minister said, "The revival worked out great for us! We gained 4 new families."
The Baptist preacher said, "We did better than that! We gained 6 new families."
The Presbyterian pastor said, "Well, we did even better than that! We got rid of our 10 biggest trouble makers!
September 10, 2026 - Seriously Hurt?
A policeman arrives at the scene of an accident, in which a car smashed into a tree.
The officer rushes over to the vehicle and asks the driver, "Are you seriously hurt?"
"How do I know?" the driver responds. "I'm not a lawyer."
September 9, 2026 - How Many Dogs Does It Take To Change A Light Bulb?
Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned-out light bulb?
Border Collie: Just one. And I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.
Dachshund: I can't reach the stupid lamp!
Toy Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.
Rottweiler: Go Ahead! Make me!
Shi-tzu: Puh-leeze, dah-ling. Let the servants. . . .
Lab: Oh, me, me!!! Pleeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Can I?
Malamute: Let the Border collie do it.. You can feed me while he's busy.
Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.
Doberman Pinscher: While it's dark, I'm going to sleep on the couch.
Mastiff: Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark.
Hound Dog: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.
Pointer: I see it, there it is, right there...
Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?
Australian Shepherd: Put all the light bulbs in a little circle...
Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? Light bulb? That thing I just ate was a light bulb?
September 8, 2026 - General Store
"I went to a general store, but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific."
September 6, 2026 - North Americans, Character, Hypocrisy
We yell for the Government to balance the budget, then take the last dime we have to make the down payment on a car that will take 5 years to pay off.
We demand speed laws that will stop fast driving, then won't buy a car if it can't go over 100 miles an hour.
We know the line-up of every baseball team in the American and National Leagues but mumble through half the words our national athems.
We'll spend half a day looking for vitamin pills to make us live longer, then drive 90 miles an hour on slick pavement to make up for lost time.
We tie up our dog while letting our sixteen year old son run wild.
We will work hard on a farm so we can move into town where we can make more money so we can move back to the farm.
We get upset we're spending over a billion dollars for education, but spend three billion dollars a year for cigarettes.
In the office we talk about baseball, shopping or fishing, but when we are out at the game, the mall or on the lake, we talk about business.
We're supposed to be the most civilized Christian place on earth, but we still can't deliver payrolls without an armored car.
We have more experts on marriage than any other country in the world and still have more divorces.
We have more food to eat than anywhere in the world and more diets to keep us from eating it.
September 5, 2026 - Passed Note
A nearsighted minister glanced at the note that Mrs. Jones had sent to him by an usher.
The note read: "Bill Jones having gone to sea, his wife desires the prayers of the congregation for his safety."
Failing to observe the punctuation, he startled his audience by announcing:
"Bill Jones, having gone to see his wife, desires the prayers of the congregation for his safety."
September 4, 2026 - Brown Paper
A sheriff walks into a saloon and shouts for everyone's attention. "Has anyone seen Brown Paper Jake?" he asks.
"What's he look like?" asks one shoddy-looking cowboy.
"Well", replies the Sheriff, "he wears a brown paper hat, a brown paper waistcoat, a brown paper shirt, brown paper boots, brown paper pants, and a brown paper jacket."
"So what's he wanted for?" asks the same cowboy.
"Rustlin'."
September 3, 2026 - Possessions, Wealth
Two elderly gentlemen met up on the way to the funeral of one of their longtime buddies.
The deceased was thought to have accumulated much wealth. On the way to the cemetery, one old fellow asked the other, "How much did he leave?"
The other old fellow replied, "All of it."
September 2, 2026 - Tiny Colonel
A guy walked into a tavern and sat down on a barstool. He ordered a beer and a shot glass of whiskey. The bartender was surprised to see him place the shot glass into the pocket of his overcoat. The man proceeded to drink his beer, then reached into his coat pocket and removed the shot glass, empty.
He ordered another beer and shot glass of whiskey, and again placed the shot glass into his coat pocket. Again he removed the glass empty, then ordered another round.
Overcome by curiosity, the bartender asked the man why he kept putting the shot glass into his pocket.
"Oh," he said, "that's for the Colonel?"
"The Colonel? Who's the Colonel?"
The man reached into his pocket and removed a little man, about 12 inches high, dressed in the uniform of a British army colonel. He placed the little man on the counter.
"Is he real?" asked the bartender.
"Sure he's real. Colonel, would you mind walking up and down the bar a little way?"
The little colonel marched briskly a few feet up the bar and turned around, then marched back to where the man sat. "That's the most amazing thing I've ever seen! Can he talk too?"
"Of course he can talk," said the man.
"Colonel, why don't you tell him about the time that you were stationed in Africa and called that witch doctor a liar?
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