July 2013

July 31, 2025 - Brotherly Advice
Charlie was playing with his little brother Mickey when the little boy asked whether he could fly like Superman.

"Sure you can, Mickey," Charlie said. "Just flap your arms really hard."

So Mickey climbed up on the windowsill, started flapping like mad, jumped, then smashed into the ground just a few inches below.

Horrified, their mother came screaming into the room and said, "What happened?"

Charlie said, "I was just teaching Mickey not to believe everything he's told."


July 30, 2025 - Frantic Writing
My neighbor was bitten by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was and found him writing frantically.

I told him rabies could be cured and he didn't have to worry about writing a will.

He said, "Will!? What will? I'm making a list of the people I wanna bite!"


July 29, 2025 - Car Accident Honesty
A man was trying to pull out of a parking place but bashed the bumper of the parked car in front of him.

Witnessed by a handful of pedestrians waiting for a bus, the driver got out, inspected the damage, and proceeded to write a note to leave on the windshield of the car he had hit.

The note read:

"Hello. I have just hit your car, and there are some people here watching me who think that I am writing this note to leave you my name, phone number, and driver's license number, but I am not."


July 26, 2025 - Bible Meaning
A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, "I know what the Bible means!"

His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible means?

The son replied, "I do know!"

"Okay," said his father. "What does the Bible mean?"

"That's easy, Daddy..." the young boy replied excitedly," It stands for 'Basic Information Before Leaving Earth..'


July 25, 2025 - Heaven
A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question, "Boys and girls, what do we know about God?" A hand shot up in the air. "He is an artist!" said the kindergarten boy.

"Really? How do you know?" the teacher asked. "You know - Our Father, who does art in Heaven... "


July 24, 2025 - Filling Up
A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump.

"Reverend," said the young man, "I'm so sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip." The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the same in my business."


July 23, 2025 - Position in LifePeople want the front of the bus, the back of the church, and the center of attention.


July 22, 2025 - Sunday Message
Sunday after church, a Mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was about. The daughter answered, "Don't be scared, you'll get your quilt."

Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed. Later in the day, the pastor stopped by for tea and the Mom asked him what that morning's Sunday school lesson was about. He said "Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming."


July 19, 2025 - Haircut for Two
After the man received the full treatment - shave, shampoo, manicure, haircut, etc. - he placed Little Johnny in the chair.

"I'm going to buy a green tie to wear for the parade," he said. "I'll be back in a few minutes."

When Little Johnny's haircut was complete and the man still hadn't returned, the barber said, "Looks like your daddy's forgotten all about you."

"That wasn't my daddy," said Little Johnny.

"He just walked up, took me by the hand and said, 'Come on, kid, we're gonna get a free haircut!'"


July 18, 2025 - No Place Like Home
While I was dining out with my children, a man came over to our table, and we started talking.

He asked where my kids go to school. I told him we home-schooled them.

With a raised eyebrow, he asked if my husband is the sole breadwinner for our family.

I said, "No, I also work . . out of our home."

Then, noticing our two-month-old son, he mentioned that his daughter had just had a baby, and he wondered what hospital our son was born in.

"He was born at home," I answered.

The man looked at me, then said, "Wow, you don't get out much, do you?"


July 17, 2025 - Serious Hook
After a particularly poor game of golf, a popular club member skipped the clubhouse and started to go home. As he was walking to the parking lot to get his car, a policeman stopped him and asked, "Did you tee off on the sixteenth hole about twenty minutes ago?"

"Yes," the golfer responded.

"Did you happen to hook your ball so that it went over the trees and off the course?"

"Yes, I did. How did you know?" he asked.

"Well," said the policeman very seriously, "Your ball flew out onto the highway and crashed through a driver's windshield. The car went out of control, crashing into five other cars and a fire truck. The fire truck couldn't make it to the fire, and the building burned down. So, what are you going to do about it?"

The golfer thought it over carefully and responded...

"I think I'll close my stance a little bit, tighten my grip and lower my right thumb."


July 16, 2025 - Misquote
A friend of mine attended a Christian college where the tradition was to deliver a box of notes nightly from the men's' dorm to the women's dorm and vice versa.

My friend would write his fiance a note every night and close it with an inspirational Scripture reference.

One night, he meant to write the reference II Corinthians 5:1, which says:
"Now we know that if the earthly tent we live in is destroyed, we have a building from God, an eternal house in heaven, not built by human hands."

Unfortunately, he referenced I Corinthians 5:1, which says:
"It is actually reported that there is sexual immorality among you, and of a kind that does not occur even among pagans..."


July 15, 2025 - Action
Old Jeb is the laziest man in the county. One day his best friend drove by his farm and noticed his barn was on fire. "Your barn's burning down," he yelled.

"I know it," replied Jeb.

"Well, ain't ya gonna do somethin'?" asked the friend.

"Do somethin'?" responded Jeb. "'Bout what?"

"Why about puttin' out the fire, ya durn fool." answered the friend.

"I am doin' somethin'." replied Jeb.

"What the heck are you doin', jist sittin' there 'n all?" asked Jeb's friend.

"I ain't jist sittin'," replied Jeb, "I'm sittin' here prayin' for rain."


July 12, 2025 - Looking Back
Soon after our last child left home for college, my husband was resting next to me on the couch with his head in my lap. I carefully removed his glasses.

"You know, honey," I said sweetly, "Without your glasses you look like the same handsome young man I married."

"Honey," he replied with a grin, "Without my glasses, you still look pretty good too!"


July 11, 2025 - Hospital Update
Hospital Update: Condition of boy who swallowed all those quarters - still no change


July 10, 2025 - Pastor Tim as the Dumb Guy
Three men go on a trip to the desert. One is smart, one is average, and the third is Pastor Tim. The smart guy says, "I brought water, so we won't go thirsty." The average guy says, "I brought food, so we won't go hungry." Then, they ask Pastor Tim what he brought, and Tim says, "I brought this car window, so we can roll it down, if we get hot."

But wait, there's more!

As it turns out, the window Pastor Tim brought came from a stolen car. The three men are arrested, taken to jail, and put in separate cells. Somehow, the smart guy manages to get hold of the keys, and unlocks each of their cells. They then proceed to escaping through a window.

The smart guy goes first, and sees a wall blocking his escape route. He also sees a tall tree next to the wall, which he starts climbing, figuring this was the only way to get past the wall. As the smart guy reaches the top of the wall, a guard on the other side hears him.

"Who's there?" asked the guard.

The smart guy replies with a convincing "Meow. Meow."

"Oh," says the guard, "it's only a cat in a tree." So the smart guy gets away.

The average guy goes next. He climbs the same tree, and the same guard hears him.

"Who's there?" "Tweet, tweet. Tweet, tweet."

"It's only a bird in a tree," the guard mutters. And, last but not least, it is now Pastor Tim's turn to escape. Now Tim has been watching the others make their escapes, and he likes their approach. So, he climbs the same tree, to get over the same wall, and meets the same guard. Meanwhile, Tim has been concentrating - what's wrong with that picture? -: Ok, animal noises. Think animal noises. Of course, the guard hears him, and asks, "Who's there?"

"Moooo. Moooo."

But wait, there's more!

All three men are recaptured, and taken, as targets, to the firing range as punishment for their jailbreak. The smart guy, as usual, goes first. They bring him out, and the man in charge yells, "Ready...Aim..-" But before he got a chance to continue, the smart guy yells, "Earthquake!!"

Everyone ducks and covers, and the smart guy gets away.

Next, the average guy is brought out. Again, the man in charge yells, "Ready...Aim..-"

"Tornado!!"

They all scatter, and the average guy gets away.

Finally, they bring Pastor Tim out. Once again, Pastor Tim has been watching the other two, and, once again has been concentrating - twice in the same day?! -:

Once again, the man in charge yells, "Ready...Aim..-"

"Fire!!!" yells Pastor Tim.


July 9, 2025 - Weight Comeback
William Howard Taft weighed 335 lbs. which was a lot even for his six-foot frame.

One day someone pointed to Taft's massive stomach and asked, "What are you going to name the baby?"

The president replied: "If it's a boy, he will be a junior. If it's a girl I'll name her Helen. But if, as I expect, it is only gas, I'll name it after you."


July 8, 2025 - Excuse Me Driver
A guy in a taxi wanted to speak to the driver so he leaned forward and tapped him on the shoulder.

The driver screamed, jumped up in the air and yanked the wheel over.

The car mounted the curb, demolished a lamppost and came to a stop inches from a shop window.

The startled passenger said, "I didn't mean to frighten you, I just wanted to ask you something."

The Taxi driver said, "It's not your fault sir. It's my first day as a cab driver.

I've been driving a hearse for the past 25 years!"


July 7, 2025 - Assumptions
During my stay at an expensive hotel in New York City, I woke up in the middle of the night with an upset stomach.

I called room service and ordered some soda crackers. When I looked at the charge slip, I was furious. I called room service and raged, "I know I'm in a luxury hotel, but $11.50 for six crackers is ridiculous!"

"The crackers are complimentary," the voice at the other end coolly explained. "I believe you are complaining about your room number."


July 6, 2025 - Relevancy
The pastor told the search committee, "If I am voted in as pastor of this church, I will work hard to bring us into the 20th century."

Someone spoke up, "Uh, Preacher, don't you mean the 21st century?"

The pastor replied, "Let's take it one century at a time."



July 5, 2025 - Husband Chair Feedback
A young man was sitting next to me in one of the two "husband chairs" in a ladies' clothing store.

After 30 minutes and five outfits, the fellow's wife came out of the change room again.

He looked at her and immediately said: "That looks good on you. Get that one."

"Honey," she replied, "this is what I was wearing when we came in."


July 4, 2025 - Sons-in-Law and Daughters-In-Law
Congratulating a friend after her son and daughter got married within a month of each other, a woman asked, "What kind of boy did your daughter marry?"

"Oh, he's wonderful," gushed the mother. "He lets her sleep late, wants her to go to the beauty parlour regularly, and insists on taking her out to dinner every night."

"That's sounds lovely," said the woman. "What about your son?"

"I'm not so happy about that," the mother sighed. "His wife sleeps late, spends all her time in the beauty parlour, and makes them eat take-out meals!"


July 3, 2025 - Clumsy Ad Copy
- No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will make it really repellent.

- We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.

- For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

- Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.

- Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

- Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.

- Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.


July 2, 2025 - Born Salesman
I learned a lesson in marketing from a man who bought an old boat, a trailer, and a motor from me. "Thanks," he said as he loaded them up. "I'm planning to resell them."

Good luck, I thought. I had been trying to get rid of them for months. But when I ran into him a few weeks later, he'd sold everything.

"How did you manage that?" I marveled.

"I took out an ad: 'Heavy-duty boat trailer with free boat.' When the buyer came to get it, I asked if he had a motor. He said no. I told him I happened to have one in my garage. Bought that, too."


July 1, 2025 - Living History Museum
Marv took his family to visit a living history museum, which included seeing houses and stores that were more than one hundred years old.

After they entered an old one-room schoolhouse Marv pointed to a desk that had an empty hole for an ink bottle.

"What do you think this hole was for?" he asked his kids.

His twelve-year-old son Martin replied, "It's a Coke can holder."

June 2025

June 30, 2025 - The Twenty and the One
A well-worn one-dollar bill and a similarly distressed twenty-dollar bill arrived at a Federal Reserve Bank to be retired.  As they moved along the conveyor belt to be burned, they struck up a conversation. The twenty-dollar bill reminisced about its travels all over the country.  "I've had a pretty good life," the twenty proclaimed.  "Why I've been to Las Vegas and Atlantic City, the finest restaurants in New York, performances on Broadway, and even a cruise to the Caribbean." "Wow!" said the one-dollar bill.  "You've really had an exciting life!" "So tell me," says the twenty," "where have you been throughout your lifetime?" The one dollar bill replies, "Oh, I've been to the Methodist Church, the Baptist Church, the Lutheran Church..." The twenty dollar bill interrupts, "What's a church?"


June 29, 2025 - Great Truths About Growing Old
1) Growing up is mandatory; growing old is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.


June 28, 2025 - Great Truths that Adults Have Learned
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.


June 27, 2025 - Great Truths that Little Children have Learned
1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.


June 24, 2025 - Actual Newspaper Ads - Part 5
'93 PONTIAC LEMONS - Low Miles
NICE PARACHUTE: never opened - used once
OPEN HOUSE: Body Shapers Toning Salon - free coffee and donuts
'83 TOYOTA HUNCHBACK: $2000
SHAKESPEARE'S PIZZA: free chopsticks
OUR SOFA SEATS THE WHOLE MOB: and it's made of 100% Italian leather
GROUND BEAST: 99 cents lb.

 
June 23, 2025 - Actual Newspaper Ads - Part 4
TICKLE ME ELMO: Still in box, comes with its own 1988 Mustang, auto trans., excellent condition - $6,800
DO SOMETHING SPECIAL for your Valentine - have your septic tank pumped
FREE: 1 can of Pork and Beans with purchase of 3 BR 2 bath home.
BILL'S SEPTIC CLEANING: "We hault American made products"
HUMMELS: Largest selection ever - "If it's in stock, we have it."
CUTE KITTEN FOR SALE: 2 cents or best offer
WHIRLPOOL BUILT-IN OVEN: Frost free!


June 22, 2025 - Actual Newspaper Ads - Part 3
FOR RENT: 6 room hated apartment
WANTED: Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink
AND NOW, the superstore unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.
WE WILL OIL your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1
AMANA WASHER: $100. Owned by clean bachelor who seldom washed.
SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE: Only used on snowy days.
2 WIRE MESH BUTCHERING GLOVES, one 5-finger, one 3-finger, PAIR: $15


June 21, 2025 - Actual Newspaper Ads - Part 2
ILLITERATE? Write today for free help.
AUTO REPAIR SERVICE: Free pick up and delivery. Try us once, you will never go anywhere again.
DOG FOR SALE: Eats anything and is fond of children
STOCK UP AND SAVE: Limit: one per customer.
DINNER SPECIAL: Turkey $3.25; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00
NOW IS YOUR CHANCE to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.
GREAT DAMES for sale.

June 20, 2025 - Actual Newspaper Ads - Part 1
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER: 8 years old. Hateful little dog. Bites
FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog
FREE PUPPIES: Part German Shepherd, part stupid dog
FREE GERMAN SHEPHERD: 85 lbs. Neutered. Speaks German.
FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG: Looks like a rat, been out a while, better be a reward.
NORDIC TRACK: $300 Hardly used -- call Chubby
GEORGIA PEACHES: California grown - 89 cents lb.

 
June 17, 2025 - Two Guys and a Big Deep Hole
Two guys are walking through the woods and come across this big deep hole.

"Wow...that looks deep."

"Sure does... toss a few pebbles in there and see how deep it is."

They pick up a few pebbles and throw them in and wait... no noise.

"Wow! That is REALLY deep... here.. throw a couple of these great big rocks down there. Those should make a noise."

They pick up a couple football-sized rocks and toss them into the hole and wait... and wait. Nothing.

They look at each other in amazement. One gets a determined look on his face and says, "Hey...over here in the weeds, there's a railroad tie. Help me carry it over here. When we toss THAT in, it's GOTTA make some noise."

The two drag the heavy tie over to the hole and heave it in.  Not a sound comes from the hole.

Suddenly, out of the nearby woods, a goat appears, running like the wind. It rushes toward the two men, then right past them, running as fast as it's legs will carry it. Suddenly it leaps in the air and into the hole.

The two men are astonished with what they've just seen.

Then, out of the woods comes a farmer who spots the men and ambles over. "Hey... you two guys seen my goat out here?" "You bet we did! Craziest thing I ever seen. It came running like crazy and just jumped into this hole!"

"Nah", says the farmer, "That couldn't have been MY goat. My goat was chained to a railroad tie."


June 16, 2025 - Good Housekeeping Tip # 132
Always keep several get-well cards on the mantle so if unexpected guests arrive, you can say you've been sick and unable to clean.


June 15, 2025 - Natchitoches
Two rednecks were driving through Louisiana. As they were approaching  the town of Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of  the name. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one redneck asked the manager, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are... very slowly?"

The manager leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrrrr-gerrrrrrr-Kiiiiing."


Tuesday, June 14, 2025 - The Atheist and the Loch Ness Moster
An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat high into the air. Then it opened its mouth to swallow both. As the man sailed head over heels, he cried out, "Oh, my God! Help me!"

At once, the ferocious attack scene froze in place, and as the atheist hung in mid-air, a booming voice came down from the clouds. "I thought you didn't believe in Me!" "Come on God, give me a break!," the man pleaded. "Two minutes ago I didn't believe in the Loch Ness monster either!"


June 13, 2025 - One Liners
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
A stick

How do spoiled rich kids change a light bulb?
They say, "Daddy, I want a new apartment."

What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones

What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
Nacho Cheese

What do you call four bull fighters in quicksand?
Quattro sinko

What do you get when you cross an elephant and a skin doctor?
A pachydermatologist

What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you?
A pool table

Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
Because they have big fingers.


June 10, 2025 - The Four Stages of Life
1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.


June 9, 2025 - The Philistine and they Eye Doctor
A Philistine went to an eye doctor to have his eyes checked for glasses. The doctor directed him to read various letters with the left eye while covering the right eye. The Philistine was so mixed up on which eye was which that the eye doctor, in disgust, took a paper lunch bag with a hole to see through, covered up the appropriate eye and asked him to read the letters. As he did so, he noticed the Philistine had tears streaming down his face.

"Look," said the doctor, "there's no need to get emotional about getting glasses."

"I know," agreed the Philistine, "But I kind of had my heart set on wire frames."


June 8, 2025 - Bible Trivia - Believe it or Not
Q.  What kind of man was Boaz before he married?
A.  Ruthless.

Q.  What do they call pastors in Germany?
A.  German Shepherds.

Q.  Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
A.  Noah.  He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.

Q.  Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
A.  Pharaoh's daughter.  She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet.

Q.  What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
A.  Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury.  David's Triumph was heard throughout the land.  Also, probably a Honda, because the apostles were all in one Accord.

Q.  Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
A.  Samson.  He brought the house down.

Q.  What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden?
A.  Your mother ate us out of house and home.

Q.  Which servant of God was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?
A.  Moses.  He broke all 10 commandments at once.

Q.  Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?
A.  The area around Jordan.  The banks were always overflowing.

Q.  Who is the greatest baby sitter mentioned in the Bible?
A.  David.  He rocked Goliath to a very deep sleep.

Q.  Which Bible character had no parents?
A.  Joshua, son of Nun.


June 7, 2025 - You Know It's Your Last Day At Work When
You hand a bank teller an envelope, and when she asks, "What's this?" you realize you just dropped the company's deposit in a mailbox.

While your boss is at lunch, you sneak in and look at some confidential information on his computer. You spill coffee on the keyboard. It shorts out.

You return from a week's vacation to find that you had scheduled *this* week as vacation, not last week. (Just means you get to take two weeks vacation, right?)

You take a "sick" day. The next morning the boss asks you, "So, how was the fishing on Rock Creek yesterday?"

June 6, 2025 - The Philistine and the Thermos
A Philistine was shopping and came across a silver thermos. He was quite fascinated by it, so he picked it up and brought it over to the clerk to ask what it was. The clerk said, "Why, that's a thermos...it keeps things hot and some things cold."

"Wow, said the Philistine, "that's amazing...I'm going to buy it!" So he bought the thermos and took it to work the next day. His boss saw it on his desk.

"What's that?” he asked.

"Why, that's a thermos...it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold," he replied.

His boss inquired, “What do you have in it?”

The Philistine replied, “Two popsicles, and some coffee.”

June 3, 2025 - Reasons not to Wash
If you took the same excuses that people use for not going to church and apply them to other important areas of life you'd realize how inconsistent we can be in our logic.  For example: Reasons Not To Wash

1. I was forced to as a child.
2. People who make soap are only after your money.
3. I wash on special occasions like Christmas and Easter.
4. People who wash are hypocrites - they think they are cleaner than everyone else.
5. There are so many different kinds of soap, I can't decide which one is best.
6. I used to wash, but it got boring so I stopped.
7. None of my friends wash.
8. The bathroom is never warm enough in the winter or cool enough in the summer.
9. I'll start washing when I get older and dirtier.
10. I can't spare the time.


June 2, 2025 - Top 12 Things NOT to say to a cop who has pulled you over
1.   I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
2.  Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
3.  Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4.  Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me.  Good job!
5.  Are you Andy or Barney?
6.  I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
7.  You're not gonna check the trunk are you?
8.  I pay your salary!
9.  Gee, Officer! That's terrific.  The last officer only gave me a warning too!
10. Do you know why you pulled me over?  Okay, just so one of us does.
11. I was trying to keep up with traffic.  Yes, I know there are no other cars around.  That's how far ahead of me they are.
12. When the Officer says "Gee Son...Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?” You probably shouldn't respond with, "Gee Officer your eyes looked glazed, have you been eating donuts?


Wednesday, June 1, 2025 - If Biblical Headlines were written by Today's Liberal Media
On Red Sea crossing:
WETLANDS TRAMPLED IN LABOR STRIKE
Pursuing Environmentalists Killed
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
On David vs. Goliath:
HATE CRIME KILLS BELOVED CHAMPION
Psychologist Questions Influence of Rock
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On Elijah on Mt. Carmel:
FIRE SENDS RELIGIOUS RIGHT EXTREMIST INTO FRENZY
400 Killed
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On the birth of Christ:
HOTELS FULL, ANIMALS LEFT HOMELESS
Animal Rights Activists Enraged by Insensitive Couple
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
On feeding the 5,000:
PREACHER STEALS CHILD'S LUNCH
Disciples Mystified Over Behavior
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
On healing the 10 lepers:
LOCAL DOCTOR'S PRACTICE RUINED
"Faith Healer" Causes Bankruptcy
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
On healing of the Gadarene demoniac:
MADMAN'S FRIEND CAUSES STAMPEDE
Local Farmer's Investment Lost
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
On raising Lazarus from the dead:
FUNDAMENTALIST PREACHER RAISES A STINK
Will Reading to be Delayed

May 2025

May 31, 2025 - Knowing About Radios
One month into Marine Corps training in San Diego, Calif., we were preparing for a ten-mile march in 100-degree weather when a jeep drove up with a large radio in the back.

"Who knows anything about radios?" our drill instructor asked.

Several hands went up, and anticipating a ride in the jeep, recruits began listing their credentials. Everything from a degree in communications to a part-time job in a repair shop was declared.

The DI listened to all the contenders, then pointed to the most qualified. "You," he barked. "Carry the radio."

May 30, 2025 - Picking a Winner
The bookie slowly counted out the money into the old lady's wrinkled hands.

"Lady," he said, "I just don't understand. However did you manage to pick the winner?"

The old lady patted her white locks in place. She looked a little bewildered. "Really," she said, "I don't know myself. I just stick a pin in the paper and, well, there it is."

The bookie took a deep breath. "That's all very well, lady," he cried. "But how on earth did you manage to pick four winners yesterday afternoon?"

"Oh," replied the old lady, "that was easy. I used a fork."

May 29, 2025 - Parental Nagging
Constant nagging didn't seem to provide any relief from having to clean up the bathroom after each of my three teenage children.

After I cleaned it one day, I resorted to posting a sign that read: "Please leave the bathroom as you found it."

I noticed the bathroom was in the usual mess after my son used it, so I called, "Brian, how did you find the bathroom?"

After a brief pause, he replied, "Straight down the hall, first door on the right."

May 28, 2025 - 4 Year Old Rider
Mother asks little Johnny, as they wait for the bus, to tell the driver he is 4 years old when asked because he will ride for free.

As they get into the bus the driver asks Johnny how old he is. "I am 4 years old."

"And when will you be six years old?" asks the driver.

“When I get off the bus," answers Johnny.

May 27, 2025 - Disaster Encounter
"Oh, No!" the father gasped as he surveyed the disaster before him. Never in his 40 years of life had he seen anything like it. How anyone could have survived he did not know.

He could only hope that somewhere amid the overwhelming destruction he would find his 16-year-old son. Only the slim hope of finding Danny kept him from turning and fleeing the scene. He took a deep breath and proceeded.

Walking was virtually impossible with so many things strewn across his path. He moved ahead slowly.

"Danny! Danny!" he whispered to himself. He tripped and almost fell several times. He heard someone, or something, move. At least he thought he did. Perhaps, he was just hoping he did. He shook his head and felt his gut tighten.

He couldn't understand how this could have happened. There was some light but not enough to see very much. Something cold and wet brushed against his hand. He jerked it away.

In desperation, he took another step then cried out, "Danny!".

From a nearby pile of unidentified material, he heard his son. "Yes, Dad," he said, in a voice so weak it could hardly be heard.

"It's time to get up and get ready for school," the man sighed, "and, for heaven's sake, clean up this room."

May 24, 2025 - Home Early
Little Dewey burst through the front door with a smile on his face. Surprised, his mother asked, "Why are you home from school so early?"

Dewey said, "They let me go early because I was the only one who could answer a tough question."

"Oh, really? What was the question?" his mother asked.

"'Who threw the eraser at the teacher?'"


May 23, 2025 - Proof of Identity
My friend Bev and her husband were reshingling their roof. As soon as they started, they realized they needed more supplies, so Bev grabbed the checkbook, jumped into her car, and drove the 45 miles to the nearest lumberyard.

After gathering the items she needed, Bev went up to the cashier and wrote a check. "I really need to see a photo ID," the clerk said.

"I don't have one on me," Bev replied.

The cashier called over the manager, who examined the check. Then the manager looked up and asked Bev, "Who is the Avon lady in your town?"

Puzzled, Bev responded, "Maxine Thompson."

"Take her check," the smiling manager said to the cashier. "Maxine is my grandmother."


May 22, 2025 - I can't come in to work today because . . . .
- "My son dropped the car keys in the toilet and I sent him in after them. Now I'm waiting for the plumber."

- "I have to buy some new skis. I left my old ones in a tree."

- "My computer is down. I'm trying to cheer it up."

- "I have a sick kid. The adult goats, however, seem to be doing fine."

- "I'm having car trouble. The trouble is I no longer own a car."

- "I won a sauerkraut and sausage eating contest yesterday. You don't want me there today. Trust me."


May 21, 2025 - Reasons Why My Children Do Not Need More Toys
~ They started off as babies who found my Tupperware drawer much more fascinating than their toy box.

~ The days I change the paper towel roll in the kitchen bring great excitement as they claim their new sword or telescope.

~ Their current toys are only exciting when I either reorganize them/put them neatly away or when I start my garage sale pile.

~ Who needs toys when jumping on my bed like the five little monkeys brings tears of laughter?

~ They are content to look at the clouds and find shapes - most recently Caleb claimed he saw Thomas the Engine. Really - just shouted it out while in the car.

~ To make one of them want to play with a toy, all I have to do is give it to the other one. Suddenly, that item becomes the best thing in the whole entire world.

~ The days I mop the kitchen floor and move the chairs into the living room are cause for adventure as they build tents and "dark, dark rooms."

~ A flashlight brings amusement to all for hours.

~ And my personal favorite - the other day they literally fought over who got to play with the fly swatter. I really wish I was kidding.


May 20, 2025 - Fish Fight Story
Doug was describing a 30-pound bass he'd caught recently, after fighting it for three hours.

Bill interrupted the story saying, "I saw the picture you took of that fish. You're lucky if it even weighed 10 pounds."

Doug replied, "Well, a fish can lose an awful lot of weight during three hours of fighting!"

May 17, 2025 - Parking Space Sign Language
After driving up and down several lanes, I finally found a parking spot at the shopping mall. I noticed another man driving very slowly in the same direction, and, since he was closer, I gave him the "Are you going to park there?" look.

His responding gestures were very complicated. First he shook his head. Next he pointed at me, then at the parking space and then at himself, his watch and the mall. Finishing off, he frowned, raised his palms upward and shrugged. Once I parked, I walked over to the driver to make sure he didn't want the space.

"You must be single," he replied. "If you were married, you would've known that was the universal sign for 'Go ahead and take the spot. I'm waiting for my wife.'"

May 16, 2025 - On Company Time
Boss: You got your hair cut on company time.

Susie: It grew on company time.

Boss: Not all that hair.

Susie: I didn't get it all cut.

 
May 15, 2025 - You Might Be An Engineer If…
* You know vector calculus but you can't remember how to do long division.

* You chuckle whenever anyone says "centrifugal force."

* You've actually used every single function on your graphing calculator.

* It is sunny and 70 degrees outside, and you are working on a computer.

* You frequently whistle the theme song to "MacGyver."

* You have a pet named after a scientist.

* You laugh at jokes about mathematicians.

* You can translate English into Binary.

* You can't remember what's behind the door at the lab that says "Exit."

* You avoid doing anything because you don't want to contribute to the eventual heat-death of the universe.

* You consider ANY non-engineering course "easy."

* When your professor asks you where your homework is, you claim to have accidentally determined its momentum so precisely that, according to Heisenberg, it could be anywhere in the universe.

* You'll assume that a "horse" is a "sphere" in order to make the math easier.

* The blinking 12:00 on someone's VCR draws you in like a tractor beam to fix it.

* The salesperson at Circuit City can't answer any of your questions.

* You can't help eavesdropping in computer stores... and correcting the salesperson.

* You go on the rides at Disneyland and sit backwards to see how they do the special effects.

* You have a habit of destroying things in order to see how they work.

* You've even calculated how much you make per second.

* Your favorite James Bond character is "Q".

* You understood more than five of these jokes.


May 14, 2025 - Ticket Explanation
Her car was speeding along Interstate 80 at well over 80 miles an hour when it passed by a State Trooper. Obviously, the officer was compelled to pull the young female driver over and he asked to see her license. After looking it over, he said to her, "It stipulates here on your license that you should be wearing glasses."


May 10, 2025 - You Know You're a Northerner When…
~ you know the 4 seasons - winter, still winter, not winter and almost winter
~ you have more miles on your snow blower than your car
~ driving in winter is better, because all the potholes get filled with snow
~ you feel warm and toasty at minus 26
~ you find minus 40 a mite chilly
~ the trunk of your car doubles as a deep freezer
~ somewhere in the area is a piece of frozen metal with bits of your tongue stuck to it
~ you thought "Grumpy Old Men" was a documentary
~ men think sexy lingerie is tube socks and a flannel nightgown with only eight buttons
~ your dog wears boots too
~ the mayor greets you on the street by your first name
~ if you don't go out for lunch you miss the sunrise and sunset
~ there is a sign outside of McDonalds that says: "Park dogteams in back"
~ if the school district had snow days, no one would ever have to go to school
~ you live in a house that has no front steps, yet the door is one yard above the ground


May 9, 2025 - Stage Mothers
A stage mother cornered the concert violinist in his dressing room and insisted he listen to a tape of her talented son playing the violin.

The man agreed to listen, and the woman switched on the tape player. “What music’” the violinist thought. A difficult piece, but played with such genius that it brought tears to his eyes. He listened spellbound to the entire recording.
"Madam,” he whispered is that your son?"

"No, she replied. "That’s Jascha Heifetz. But my son sounds just like him.."

 
May 8, 2025 - The Rules of Bureaucracy
1. Preserve thyself.

2. It is easier to fix the blame than to fix the problem.

3. A penny saved is an oversight.

4. Information deteriorates upward.

5. The first 90% of the task takes 90% of the time; the last 10% takes the other 90%.

6. Experience is what you get just after you need it.

7. For any given large, complex, hard to understand, expensive problem, there exists at least one short, simple, easy, cheap wrong answer.

8. Anything that can be changed will be, until time runs out.

9. To err is human; to shrug is service.

10. There's never enough time to do it right, but there's always enough time to do it over.


May 7, 2025 - New Brain Study
A South American scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that anyone with insufficient brain activity reads e-mail with one's hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now; it's too late.


May 6, 2025 - Charitable Giving
A large, well built man visited the church and asked to see the pastor's wife, who was well known for her charity.

As he spoke to her he said in a voice breaking with emotion, 'I'd like to draw your attention to the terrible plight of a poor family in this neighborhood. The father is dead, the mother is too ill to work, and the nine children are starving. They are about to be turned out into the cold streets unless someone pays their $400 rent that is past due'

'How frightful!' exclaimed the pastor's wife. 'May I ask who you are?'

The enormous visitor wiped his eyes with his handkerchief and wailed, 'I'm their landlord’

 
May 3, 2025 - Future Price of Roses
The young man ahead of my father at the flower shop was taking an unusually long time to place his order.

When the clerk asked how she could help, he explained that his girlfriend was turning 19 and he couldn't decide whether to give her a dozen roses or 19 roses -- one for each year of her life.

The woman put aside her business judgment and advised, "She may be your 19-year-old girlfriend now, but someday she could be your 50-year-old wife."

The young man bought a dozen roses.



 
May 2, 2025 - Urgent Code 33
It was April 1st, and in a small midwestern town, two rookie policemen were patrolling the downtown business area. They decided to stop into the local coffee shop for a coffee and a donut. The time was 11:55 AM.

Three minutes later, they got a call on their police radio: "Code 33 in progress, man in bank dressed as a banana."

Well, there was only one bank in town, in fact, it was just across from the coffee shop. A code 33 was an "armed robbery" but it was also just 11:58 AM and the two rookies decided it was the dispatcher playing a joke on them just before lunch. So they continued enjoying their coffee break.

At 12:01 PM, they got a second call on their radio, "Repeat, Urgent, code 33 in progress, man in bank dressed as a banana."

Realizing it was past noon and the dispatcher sounded frantic, they rushed across the street -- but arrived 30 seconds after the banana split.


May 1, 2025 - Child Leashes
Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

While watching my grandson's baseball game, I saw a young mother with her toddler on one of those child leashes.

She was talking with another mom about an incident that happened earlier that morning.

Her little chihuahua was sick, and she had raised people's eyes as she walked into the vet's office with her dog in her arms and her child on a leash.

All I could think was, "What's wrong with this picture!"

April 2025

April 29, 2025 - Forced Landing
A flight instructor was sent out to help a student who had radioed that he was about to make a forced landing a few miles from the base. The instructor spotted the plane standing in a field small enough to present a real challenge to his professional reputation.

With determination, full flaps and engine just above the stall, he landed in the field. Climbing out, he shouted angrily to the student, "Just how did you manage to get into such a small field?"

"I landed in the big field over there," the student explained, "but in order to leave room for you to land, I had the farmer tow me here."

April 30, 2025 Horseshoe Impression
Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

One day a cowboy walked into a blacksmith shop and picked up a horseshoe, not realizing that it had just come from the forge. He immediately dropped it and jammed his hand into his pocket, trying to act as if nothing had happened. The
blacksmith noticed and asked with a grin, "Kind of hot, wasn't it?"

"Nope," answered the cowboy through clenched teeth, "it just doesn't take me long to look at a horseshoe."


April 26, 2025 - Phonetic Hymn Title
Many hymnals have a hymn called "Gladly the Cross I'd Bear."

It seems that one week when the church secretary was typing the Sunday bulletin, she asked the pastor which hymn would come just before the sermon. He replied with the above-mentioned hymn.

The following Sunday the bulletin read:

Hymn No. 134: "Gladly, the Cross-eyed Bear."


April 25, 2025 - Mary Poppins Room Service
Mary Poppins was traveling home, but due to worsening weather, she decided to stop at a hotel. She approached the receptionist and asked for a room for the night.

"Certainly, madam," he replied courteously.

"Is the restaurant open still?" inquired Mary.

"Sorry, no," came the reply, "but room service is available all night. Would you care to select something from this menu?"

Mary smiled and took the menu and perused it. "Hmm, I would like cauliflower cheese, please," said Mary.

"Certainly, madam," he replied.

"And may I have breakfast in bed?" asked Mary politely. The receptionist nodded and smiled. "In that case, I would love a couple of poached eggs, please," Mary mused.

After confirming the order, Mary signed in and went up to her room. The night passed uneventfully. The next morning, Mary came down early to check out. The same guy was still at the desk.

"Morning, madam. Sleep well?"

"Yes, thank you," Mary replied.

"Food to your liking?"

"Well, I have to say the cauliflower cheese was exceptional
-- I don't think I have had better. Shame about the eggs, though; they really weren't that nice at all," replied Mary truthfully.

"Oh. Well, perhaps you could contribute these thoughts to our guest comments book. We are always looking to improve our service and would value your opinion," said the receptionist.

"Ok, I will. Thanks!" replied Mary. She then checked out, paused awhile, and scribbled a comment into the book.
Waving, she left to continue her journey.

Curious, the receptionist picked up the book to see the comment Mary had written. Here it is:

"Supercauliflowercheesebuteggswerequiteatrocious!''


April 24, 2025 - Warning Signs
One October, my wife and I spent a vacation on Washington's Olympic Peninsula. We were eager to visit the rain forests near the coast, but we heard that snow slides had made some of the roads impassable. Although apprehensive about the conditions we might run into, we drove on.

Sure enough, we had gone only a short way up the High Rain Forest road when we saw a sign: "Ice 10 miles."

Five miles farther on, there was another sign: "Ice 5 miles."

The next one was, "Ice 1/2 mile."

We practically crept that half-mile.

When we came to the last sign it was outside a small grocery, and it read, "Ice 75 cents."


April 23, 2025 - Freedom Peppers
A man walks up to a cashier in a grocery store. He says, "Hey, how much for these jalapeño peppers?" He pronounces it "jo-la-pen-o," not "ho-lo-peen-yo."

The cashier says, "Sir, that's not what those peppers are called."

The man replies, "Listen, buddy, this is America, and I can pronounce any word the way I please."

The cashier responds, "That is as may be, sir, but those are green peppers."


April 22, 2025 - Animal Instincts
In the middle of one of Henry Ward Beecher's most potent political speeches, a member of the crowd gave a perfect imitation of a cock crowing. While the audience roared with laughter, the speaker gave no sign of annoyance, but he removed his watch and studied it while the noise died down.

"That's odd," Beecher said at last. "My watch says it's ten o'clock, but there can't be any mistake. It must be morning, for the instincts of the lower animals are absolutely infallible."


April 19, 2025 - Homework Excuses
Excuses to give your teacher when you don't do your homework.

- I didn't do my history homework because I don't believe in dwelling on the past.

- I didn't want the other kids in the class to look bad.

- A sudden gust of wind blew my homework out of my hand and I never saw it again.

- Another pupil fell in a lake and I jumped in to rescue him. Unfortunately, my homework drowned.

- Our furnace broke and we had to burn my homework to keep ourselves from freezing.

- I'm not at liberty to say why.

- I wanted to frame the detention letter you're about to give me.

- It was destroyed in a freak accident involving a hippo, a toaster, and a bag of frozen peas. You don't want to know the details.

- I have a solar-powered calculator, and it was cloudy.

- I made a paper plane out of it and it got hijacked.

- My mom used it as a dryer sheet.

- My agent won't allow me to publish my homework until the movie deal is finalized.

- It's against my religion to do any homework.

- I was abducted by green-skinned, three-eyed, pig-snouted space aliens, and they incinerated my homework with their death rays.

- I felt it wasn't challenging enough.

- My parents were sick and unable to do my homework last night. Don't worry, they have been suitably punished.

- We had homework?!

- I see your lips moving, but all I am hearing is "blah, blah, blah."

- I didn't want to add to your already heavy workload.

- I spent the night at a rally supporting higher pay for our hard-working teachers.


April 18, 2025 - New Year's Football vs. Dinner
As in many homes on New Year's Day, my wife and I faced the annual conflict of which was more important - the football games on television, or the dinner itself. To keep peace, I ate dinner with the rest of the family, and even lingered for some pleasant after-dinner conversation before retiring to the family room to turn on the game.

Several minutes later, my wife came downstairs and graciously even brought a cold drink for me. She smiled, kissed me on the cheek and asked what the score was. I told her it was the end of the third quarter and that the score was still nothing to nothing.

"See?" she said, continuing to smile, "You didn't miss a thing."


April 17, 2025 - Job Impressions
Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

I had always talked about my job a lot at home, and my young daughter had always expressed great interest. So I thought it would be a treat for her to spend the day with me at the office. Since I wanted it to be a surprise, I didn't tell her where we were going, just that it would be fun. Although usually a bit shy, she seemed excited to meet each colleague I introduced. On the way home, however, she seemed somewhat down.

"Didn't you have a nice time?" I asked.

"Well, it was okay." she responded. "But I thought it would be more like a circus."

Confused, I asked, "Whatever do you mean?"

She said, "Well, you said you work with a bunch of clowns, and I never got to see them!"


April 16, 2025 - Actual Medical Records
The following are actual medical records taken from patients' charts around North America:

- The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut and handed to the pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately.

- Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.

- She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until 1989 when she got a divorce.

- The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.

- I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

- The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week.

- She is numb from her toes down.

- While in the emergency room, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.

- The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

- The patient was to have a bowel resection. However he took a job as a stockbroker instead.

- Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.

- Patient was alert and unresponsive.

- When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.


April 15, 2025 - Cold Cream Questions
A little boy watched, fascinated, as his mother gently rubbed cold cream on her face.

"Why are you rubbing cold cream on your face, mommy?" he asked.

"To make myself beautiful," said his mother.

A few minutes later, she began removing the cream with a tissue.

"What's the matter?" he asked. "Are you giving up?"


April 12, 2025 - The End is Near
A local priest and pastor stood by the side of the road holding up a sign that said, "The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!" They held up the sign to each passing car.

"Leave us alone, you religious nuts!" yelled the first driver as he sped by. From around the curve they heard a big splash.

"Do you think," said one clergy to the other, "we should just put up a sign that says 'bridge out' instead?"


April 11, 2025 - Real Skill
There was a rich man who was deliberately hard on his farmhand. He gave him a bottle and said, "Buy me a bottle of wine."

The farmhand asked, "How can I buy you wine with no money at all?"

The rich man said, "Anyone can buy wine with money. It takes real skill to buy wine without money."

After a while the farmhand returned with the empty bottle. He handed the bottle to the rich man and said, "Enjoy the wine, please."

Staring at the empty bottle, the rich man asked, "There is no wine, how can I enjoy this?"

The farmhand said, "Anyone can enjoy wine if there is some. It takes real skill to enjoy wine when there is none."


April 10, 2025 - Ring Appraisal
An acquaintance of mine whose daughter was about to be married decided to give her a diamond ring that had been in the family for several generations. The stone had never been appraised, so the father asked a gemologist friend if she would take a look at it. She agreed, but said that instead of a fee she'd accept lunch at one of Houston's finer restaurants.

A few days later, as he and the gem expert sat sipping a glass of Chablis, he showed her the ring. She took out her jeweler's magnifier, examined the diamond carefully and handed it back.

"Wow," said a tourist who had been watching from the next table.

"These Texas women are tough!"


April 9, 2025 - Preparing for Parenthood
Brian and Cathleen took their newborn, Emily, to meet her cousins, Erin and Savannah, in Oklahoma. The cousins were delighted with her and watched everything the adults did with Emily including changing her diapers. The girls were sitting right beside Brian the first time he changed one of Emily's messy diapers.

When he opened her diaper he said, "Ew! She pooped!"

Erin looked at him and asked, "Didn't they tell you she would do that?"

April 8, 2025 - Speech Flirt
During a conference, I was pleasantly surprised to be seated next to a very handsome man. We flirted casually through dinner, then grew restless as the dignitaries gave speeches.

During one particularly long-winded lecture, my new friend drew a # sign on a cocktail napkin. Excited, I wrote down my phone number.

Looking startled for a moment, he flipped the napkin over and drew another # sign, this time adding an X to the upper-left-hand corner.


April 5, 2025 - Exemplary Offspring
Three mothers were sitting around comparing notes on their exemplary offspring.

"There never was a daughter more devoted than my Alice," said Mrs. Davis with a sniff. "Every summer she takes me to the Catskills for a week, and every winter we spend a week at Delray Beach."

"That's nothing compared to what my Anna does for me," declared Mrs. Jones proudly. "Every winter she treats me to two weeks in Miami, and in the summer two weeks in the Hamptons, in my own private guest house."

Mrs. Smith sat back with a proud smile. "Nobody loves her mother like my Jackie does. Nobody."

"So what does she do?" asked the two women, turning to her.

"Three times a week she gets into a cab, goes to the best psychiatrist in the city, and pays him a hundred and fifty dollars an hour just to talk about me!"


April 4, 2025 - Farmer Loses 2025 Pigs
Howard County police officers still write their reports by hand. The data is entered later into their database by a clerk.

One theft report stated that a farmer had lost 2,025 pigs. Thinking that to be an error, the clerk called the farmer directly.

"Is it true, Mr. Cates, that you lost 2,025 pigs?" she asked.

"Yeth," lisped the farmer. Being a farming girl herself, the clerk entered:

"Subject lost two sows and twenty-five pigs."


April 3, 2025 - The Little Voice
A guy gets home from work one night and hears a little voice. The little voice tells him, "Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go to Vegas." The man is disturbed at what he hears and ignores the little voice.

The next day, when he gets home from work, the same thing happens. The little voice tells him, "Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go to Vegas." Again, the man ignores the little voice, though he is very troubled by the event.

Every day, day after day, the man hears the same little voice when he gets home from work, "Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go to Vegas." Each time the man hears the little voice he becomes increasingly upset. Finally, after two weeks, he succumbs to the pressure. He does quit his job, sells his house, takes his money and heads to Vegas.

The moment the man gets off the plane in Vegas, the little voice tells him, "Go to Harrah's." So, he hops in a cab and rushes over to Harrah's.

As soon as he sets foot in the casino, the little voice tells him, "Go to the roulette table." The man does as he is told. When he gets to the roulette table, the little voice tells him, "Put all your money on 17."

Nervously, the man exchanges all his money for chips and then puts them all on 17.

The dealer wishes the man good luck and spins the roulette wheel. Around and around the ball caroms. The man anxiously watches the ball as it slowly loses speed until finally it settles into number... 21.

The little voice says, "Oops..."


April 2, 2025 - What's Good Tonight
Our family owned restaurant is the setting for many of our discussions about how to handle the customer who asks, "What's good tonight?"

Obviously, we would never serve anything we didn't think was good. I braced myself one Saturday night when I heard the dreaded question posed to my husband.

He calmly replied, "Anything over $13.95."


April 1, 2025 - Stubborn Problem
I had been doing Tech Support for Hewlett-Packard's DeskJet division for about a month when I had a customer call with a problem I just couldn't solve. She could not print yellow. All the other colors would print fine, which truly baffled me
because the only true colors are cyan, magenta, and yellow.

For instance, green is a combination of cyan and yellow, but green printed fine. Every color of the rainbow printed fine except for yellow. I had the customer change ink cartridges. I had the customer delete and reinstall the drivers. Nothing worked. I asked my coworkers for help; they offered no new ideas.

After over two hours of troubleshooting, I was about to tell the customer to send the printer in to us for repair when she asked quietly, "Should I try printing on a piece of white paper instead of this yellow paper?"