December 2024

 
December 31, 2024 - Friendly Fish Competition
A fisherman returned to shore with a giant Marlin that was larger & heavier than he was.

On the way to the cleaning shed he ran into a buddy who had maybe a dozen or so Rockfish.

The buddy eyed the Marlin & said, "Only caught the one, huh ?"


December 30, 2024 - Vegetable Soup
Checking the menu, a restaurant customer ordered a bowl of vegetable soup. After a couple of spoonfuls, he saw a circle of wetness right under the bowl on the tablecloth.

He called the waitress over and said, "The tablecloth is all wet. The bowl must be cracked."

The waitress said, "You ordered vegetable soup, didn't you?"

"Yes."

"Maybe it has a leek in it!"


December 27, 2024 - Realistic Fishing Proverb
Give a man a fish and he will eat all day.

Teach a man to fish and he will go out and buy expensive fishing equipment, stupid-looking clothes, a sports utility vehicle, travel 1000 miles to the "hottest" fishing spot and stand waist-deep in cold water so he can try to outsmart a fish.

Average cost per fish: $395.68

December 26, 2024 - Campaign Funding
Can you believe a candidate dropped out of the race because of a lack of campaign funds?

Anyone who stops spending just because he's out of money doesn't belong in Washington anyway!

December 25, 2024 - Piracy Payback
An unfailingly polite lady called to ask for help with a Windows installation that had gone terribly wrong.

Customer: "I brought my Windows disks from work to install them on my home computer."

Training stresses that we are "not the Software Police," so I let the little act of piracy slide.

Tech Support: "Umm-hmm. What happened?"

Customer: "As I put each disk in it turns out they weren't initialized."

Tech Support: "Do you remember the message exactly, ma'am?"

Customer: (proudly) "I wrote it down. 'This is not a Macintosh disk. Would you like to initialize it?'"

Tech Support: "Er, what happened next?"

Customer: "After they were initialized, all the disks appeared to be blank. And now I brought them back to work, and I can't read them in the A: drive; the PC wants to format them. And this is our only set of Windows disks for the whole office. Did I do something wrong?"


December 24, 2024 - Attractive Girl
A young woman, extraordinarily attractive in personality, character and presentation, was suffering from a illness that made her lips cracked and sore. The slightest movement of her mouth caused pain and embarrassment. Her condition, though not cured, was somewhat relieved by the application of a prescription medication from her physician.

The instructions on the prescription were to apply the medication once a day, but the young woman found that more frequent applications were palatable and effective. After exhausting her supply, she returned to the doctor's office for another one. The receptionist announced to the returning patient to the doctor:

"It's the super gal with the fragile lips expecting extra doses."
 

December 23, 2024 - First Case TriedAn investment counselor decided to go out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realized that she needed an in-house counsel. She began to interview young lawyers.

"As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question." She leaned forward. "Mr. Peterson, are you an honest lawyer?"

"Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I'm so honest that my father lent me $15,000 for my education, and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case."

"Impressive. And what sort of case was that?"

The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, "He sued me for the money."



December 20, 2024 - Slanderous Statements
A woman was being questioned in a court trial involving slander.

"Please repeat the slanderous statements you heard, exactly as you heard them," instructed the lawyer.

The witness hesitated.

"But they are unfit for any respectable person to hear," she protested.

"Then," said the attorney, "just whisper them to the judge."


December 19, 2024 - New Neighbor
My quiet Saturday morning ended abruptly when my 12-year-old son, Billy, and one of his friends burst through the door.

"Hey Dad, announced Billy, "have you met the new neighbors?"

"No."

"Come on Dad, you have to meet them."

"Some other time; I'm busy."

"Dad, you have to meet them now."

From the urgency in Billy's voice, I assumed the neighbors were waiting outside. I set aside my project and went to the front of the house. No one was there.

"Where are they?" I asked.

"Well, Dad," he explained, "we haven't met them yet either, but our baseball is in their living room!"


December 18, 2024 - Coffee Spill
The chef of the upscale restaurant I manage collided with a waiter one day and spilled coffee all over our computer. The liquid poured into the processing unit and resulted in some dramatic crackling and popping sounds.

After sopping up the mess, we gathered around the terminal as the computer was turned back on again.

"Please let it work," pleaded the guilt-ridden waiter.

A waitress replied, "Should be faster than ever. That was a double espresso."


December 17, 2024 - Firehouse Training Session
At a training session in the fire station, the team was assembled around the kitchen table.

The training officer was discussing the behavior of fire: "You pull up to a house and notice puffs of smoke coming from the eaves, blackened out windows and little or no visible flame. What does this tell you?" he asked.

Expecting to hear that the house is in a possible back draft situation, a condition very dangerous to fire fighters, he instead heard from one quick wit,

"You got the right place."


December 16, 2024 - Doctor's Bill
A friend went to see Doctor Wilson the other day, and the he was not very sympathetic with her aches and pains.

"You'll just have to learn to live it," he said.

When she got her bill for $90, she sent it back, with the notation, "You'll just have to learn to live without it!"


December 13, 2024 -  Adolescent Changes
Seeing my 11-year-old son perusing a website filled with photos of Britney Spears, I commented, "She certainly is pretty. Which picture do you like best?"

"I don't know," he mumbled, embarrassed by his newfound interest in girls. "I'm just reading about her."

I came closer and peered at the screen. "Oh, really?" I said. "So when did you learn to read Spanish?


December 12, 2024 -  Rules for Laboratory Workers
1. When you don't know what you're doing, do it neatly.

2. First draw your curves, then plot the data.

3. Experience is directly proportional to the equipment ruined.

4. Experiments must be reproducible. They should all fail the same way.

5. A record of data is essential. It indicates you have been working.

6. In case of doubt, make it sound convincing.

7. Do not believe in miracles. Rely on them.

8. Teamwork is essential in the lab. It allows you to blame someone else.

9. Always leave room to add an explanation when it doesn't work.
December 11, 2024 -  Looking Back at Romance
"I never would have married you if I knew how stupid you were!" shouted the woman to her husband!

The husband replied, "You should've known how stupid I was the minute I asked you to marry me!"
December 10, 2024 -  The Worm CatcherRobbie Robin was a worm-catcher extraordinaire. He arose earlier than all the other birds and took great pride in his worm-acquiring abilities.

Often he'd encounter worms who were trying desperately to verbally -- uh -- worm their way out of their impending doom. "Last of my family" and "the-wife-and-kids" excuses abounded.

No dice. They simply became Robbie's breakfast. Some would try to physically resist Robbie, but his tough beak won every time. He remained the King of Worm Catchers.

That is, until just recently. Robbie sneaked up on a worm early one morning and just as he prepared to pounce, the little worm turned around and solidly punched him right in the beak!

Robbie blinked hard and rubbed his sore nose.

The worm then began to verbally abuse Robbie, cussing him up one side and down the other with a vocabulary that would make most sailors blush. He escalated his attack, insulting Robbie's ancestors all the way back beyond the Ark to the first pair of robins ever created in The Beginning.

Robbie was so stunned by this display of wormy chutzpah that he just shook his head, and staggered away in shock, this being the first morning he had ever failed to get his worm.

The worm watched Robbie's retreat and muttered to himself with obvious satisfaction, "The surly worm gets the bird!"
December 9, 2024 -  Three Mothers
Three mothers are sitting on a park bench talking about (what else?) how much their sons love them.

Sadie says "You know the Chagall painting hanging in my living room? My son, Arnold, bought that for me for my 75th birthday. What a good boy he is and how much he loves his mother."

Minnie says,"You call that love? You know the Eldorado Cadillac I got for Mother's Day? That's from my son Bernie. What a doll."

Shirley says "That's nothing. You know my son Stanley? He's in analysis with a psychoanalyst on Park Ave. Five session a week. And what does he talk about? Me."
 

December 6, 2024 - Brazilian Jungle
Two intrepid explorers met in the heart of the Brazilian jungle.

"I'm here," declared one, "to commune with nature in the raw, to contemplate the eternal verities and to widen my horizons. And you, sir?"

"I," sighed the second explorer, "came because my young daughter has begun violin lessons."


December 5, 2024 - Laws of Household Physics
Ever notice that the laws of household physics are every bit as real as all other laws of the universe?  Here are a few examples:

1.  A child's eagerness to assist in any project varies in inverse proportion to his ability to actually do the work involved.

2.  Leftovers always expand to fill all available containers plus one.

3.  A newly washed window gathers dirt at double the speed of an unwashed window.

4.  The availability of a ballpoint pen is inversely proportional to how badly it is needed.

5.  The same clutter that will fill a one-car garage will fill a two-car garage.

6.  Three children plus two cookies equals a fight.

7.  The potential for disaster is in direct proportion to the number of TV remote controls divided by the number of viewers.

8.  The number of doors left open varies inversely with the outdoor temperature.

9.  The capacity of any hot-water heater is equal to one and one-half sibling showers.

10.  What goes up must come down, except bubble gum and slightly used Rice Krispies.


December 4, 2024 - Cell Phone Flight Call
En route to Hawaii, I noticed one of my passengers in the coach section of the airplane dialing her cell phone.

"Excuse me. That can't be on during the flight," I reminded her. "Besides, we're over the ocean-you won't get a signal out here."

"That's okay," she said. "I'm just calling my daughter. She's sitting up in first class."


December 3, 2024 - Climbing the Walls
With some misgivings, we left a young baby-sitter in charge of our three energetic youngsters.

When we returned a few hours later, she was sitting alone watching TV. I went to check on the children, and found them in our narrow hallway.  By bracing their arms and legs against the walls, two of them had climbed up to the ceiling.

"The baby-sitter taught us how," they said gleefully.

The sitter joined me, her face a deep red.  "Since they had me climbing the walls, I figured they might as well be too," she stammered.

We kept the same girl for the next two years.


December 2, 2024 - Liturgical Response
In our Anglican church, each service begins with a greeting. The officiating clergyman says, "The Lord be with you." The congregation used to respond by saying, "And with thy spirit."

But, with the modernizing of the liturgy, the minister now says, "The Lord be with you," and everyone responds with, "And also with you."

One Sunday a visiting bishop went to a church where the sound system was known to be old and unreliable.  As he approached the microphone, he tapped it several times and finally said, "There's something wrong with this!"

Without hesitation, the whole congregation answered faithfully, "And also with you."