October 31, 2024 - In Both Ears
"It's no good, sir," said the hopeless pupil to his English teacher. "I try to learn, but everything you say goes in both ears and out the other."
"Goes in both ears and out the other?" asked the puzzled teacher. "But you only have two ears, boy."
"Guess I'm no good at math, either!"
October 30, 2024 - Finding the Tea
My poor wife was sick in bed with the flu. Being a dutiful husband, I offered to fix her some of her favorite herbal tea. I couldn't find the tea though and went back upstairs to ask where it was.
She said, "I don't know how it could be any easier to see. It's in the pantry, third shelf down, in a cocoa tin marked 'matches'.
October 29, 2024 - Food, Family and Philosophy
Gary is about to go on his first date, and is nervous about what to talk about. He asks his father for advice. The father explains, "My son, there are three subjects that always work. These are food, family, and philosophy."
The boy picks up his date and they go off to a soda fountain. Ice cream sodas in front of them, they stare at each other for a long time, as the boy's nervousness builds. Suddenly, he remembers his father's advice, and chooses the first topic.
He asks the girl, "Do you like spinach?"
She says "No," and the silence returns.
After a few more uncomfortable moments, the boy thinks of his father's suggestion and turns to the second item on the list. He asks, "Do you have a brother?"
Again, the girl says "No," and there is silence once again.
The boy then plays his last card. He thinks of his father's advice and asks the girl, "If you had a brother, would he like spinach?"
October 28, 2024 - Praying for a Brother
A small boy badly wanted a baby brother, so his dad suggested he pray every night for one. The boy prayed earnestly, night after night, but his prayers seemingly weren't answered. After a few weeks, he didn't bother to ask anymore.
Some months later, his dad said they were going to see Mom in the hospital and he was going to get a big surprise. When they got to the room, the little boy saw his mother holding two babies.
"Well, what do you think about having twin brothers?" his dad asked.
The little boy thought for a moment and replied, "It's a good thing I stopped praying when I did."
October 25, 2024 - Hawaii Pronunciation
Morris and his wife Sherry were planning a vacation. They ended up in an argument.
"It's pronounced 'Hawaii', I'm telling you!" Sherry said.
"I never KNEW someone so stubborn! 'Havaii' is how it's pronounced!" he replied.
And so it went, all the way to the vacation. As they got off the airplane, they passed by a man. Morris abruptly stopped his wife and turned to the man to ask, "Now that we're on the island, you can settle an argument between my wife and me. Is this 'Hawaii' or 'Havaii?'"
"This is Havaii," the man replied.
"Ha!" the husband gloated to his wife. "See, didn't I tell you never to argue with me?"
As they began to walk away, Morris turned back and gave the man a hearty "Thank you!"
"You're velcome!" he called back.
October 24, 2024 - You Look Tired
A coworker told me that I looked tired.
"I am," I said. "I just finished 50 push-ups."
"Oh really? When did you start doing push-ups?"
"Well, I did the first one in 1986."
October 23, 2024 - Apple a Day
While visiting a friend who was in the hospital, I noticed several pretty nurses, each of whom was wearing a pin designed to look like an apple.
I asked one nurse what the pin signified.
"Nothing," she said with a smile. "It's just to keep the doctors away."
October 22, 2024 - Noises Under the Floor
My bathroom is in the back of the house and it's hard to hear when anyone is on the property.
One morning while getting ready for work, and thinking I was the only one at home, I kept hearing something crawl around under my bathroom floor. Thinking that somehow the neighbor's cat had gotten under the house, I began stomping the floor hard and shouting at the top of my lungs, "Get out of there" and "Stop that!"
Finally, the moving stopped so I finished what I was doing and left for work.
When I returned home that evening, I found a note that the exterminators had been there for their annual inspection. I turned to my husband and said, "Honey, do the exterminators crawl around under the house?"
He said, "Sure, why?"
That's when I burst out laughing. It took me several minutes to tell my husband what I had done. He cracked up at the thought of me standing in the bathroom stomping and shouting, and he said, "It's a good thing he didn't answer you back or you would have keeled over dead!"
October 21, 2024 - Giuseppe Spomdalucci
To impress his date, the young man took her to a very chick Italian restaurant.
After sipping some fine wine, he picked up the menu and ordered. "We'll have the Giuseppe Spomdalucci," he said.
"Sorry, sir," said the waiter. "That's the owner."
October 18, 2024 - Opinions
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, 'The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents ..'
October 17, 2024 - Ketchup
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar.. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone.. 'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now She's hitting the bottle.
October 16, 2024 - Nudity
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, 'What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?'
October 15, 2024 - Police # 1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, 'Are you a cop? Yes,' I answered and continued writing the report. My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?' 'Yes, that's right,' I told her. 'Well, then,' she said as she extended her foot toward me, 'would you please tie my shoe?'
October 14, 2024 - Police #2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. 'Is that a dog you got back there?' he asked.
'It sure is,' I replied.
Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, 'What'd he do?
October 11, 2024 - Fair Pay
An indigent client who had been injured in an accident went looking for a lawyer to represent him without cost. One lawyer told him that he would take the case on contingency.
When the client asked what "contingency" was, the lawyer replied, "If I don't win your lawsuit, I don't get anything. If I do win your lawsuit, you don't get anything.
October 10, 2024 - Narrow Escape Responses
There was an engineer, manager, and a programmer driving down a steep mountain road. The brakes failed and the car careened down the road out of control. Half way down the driver managed to stop the car by running it against the embankment narrowly avoiding careening off the cliff. They all got out, shaken by their narrow escape from death, but otherwise unharmed.
The manager said, "To fix this problem we need to organize a committee, have meetings, and through the process of exchanging ideas, develop a solution."
The engineer said, "No that would take too long, besides that method never worked before. I have my trusty pen knife here and will take apart the brake system, isolate the problem and correct it."
The programmer said, "I think your both wrong! I think we should all push the car back up the hill and see if it happens again."
October 9, 2024 - Dad's on Computers
A guy was typing away at his home computer, when his six- year-old daughter sneaked up behind him.
Suddenly, she turned and ran into the kitchen, squealing to the rest of the family, "I know Daddy's password! I know Daddy's password!"
"What is it?" her sisters asked eagerly.
Proudly she replied, "Asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, asterisk!"
October 8, 2024 - Teapot Computer
The secretary in our mental-health clinic chose a new screensaver -- a picture of a dancing teapot playing the children's song "I'm a Little Teapot."
Seeing this, our child psychiatrist posted a message on the secretary's desk: "Your computer is suffering from an identity disorder."
October 7, 2024 - Before and After Thankfulness
When I was younger, I remember receiving the inevitable homework assignment to write an essay on "something I am thankful for." Then I'd spend a lot of time sitting in my room trying to figure out just what in the world that could possibly be; and I'd end up writing down everything I could think of from God to environmental consciousness. But after having children, my priorities have clearly changed:
BEFORE CHILDREN: I was thankful to have been born the USA, the most powerful free democracy in the world.
AFTER CHILDREN: I am thankful for Velcro tennis shoes. As well as saving valuable time, now I can hear the sound of my son taking off his shoes -- which gives me three extra seconds to activate the safety locks on the back seat windows right before he hurls them out of the car and onto the freeway.
BEFORE CHILDREN: I was thankful for the recycling program which will preserve our natural resources and prevent the overloading of landfills.
AFTER CHILDREN: I am thankful for swim diapers because every time my son wanders into water in plain disposables, he ends up wearing a blimp the size of, say, New Jersey, on his bottom.
BEFORE CHILDREN: I was thankful for fresh, organic vegetables.
AFTER CHILDREN: I am thankful for microwaveable macaroni and cheese -- without which my children would be surviving on about three bites of cereal and their own spit.
BEFORE CHILDREN: I was thankful for the opportunity to obtain a college education and have a higher quality of life than my ancestors.
AFTER CHILDREN: I am thankful to finish a complete thought without being interrupted.
BEFORE CHILDREN: I was thankful for holistic medicine and natural herbs.
AFTER CHILDREN: I am thankful for pediatric cough syrup guaranteed to "cause drowsiness" in young children.
BEFORE CHILDREN: I was thankful for all of the teachers who had taught, encouraged and nurtured me throughout my formative years.
AFTER CHILDREN: I am thankful for all of the people at Weight Watcher who let me strip down to panty-hose and a strategically placed scarf before getting on the scale each week.
BEFORE CHILDREN: I was thankful for the opportunity to vacation in exotic foreign countries so I could experience a different way of life in a new culture.
AFTER CHILDREN: I am thankful to have time to make it all the way down the driveway to get the mail.
BEFORE CHILDREN: I was thankful for the Moosewood Vegetarian cookbook.
AFTER CHILDREN: I am thankful for the Butterball turkey hot line.
BEFORE CHILDREN: I was thankful for a warm, cozy home to share with my loved ones.
AFTER CHILDREN: I am thankful for the lock on the bathroom door.
BEFORE CHILDREN: I was thankful for material objects like custom furniture, a nice car and trendy clothes.
AFTER CHILDREN: I am thankful when the baby spits up and misses my good shoes.
October 4, 1013 - Small Town Check
I had just moved from an apartment to a house in the same small town. One day at the grocery store, I used the last of my personalized checks bearing my old address. The cashier examined the document and asked if everything on it was correct. I assured her that it was, and she started to put the check in the cash drawer. But then she inquired again if everything was accurate.
"Why do you ask?" I responded.
"Because," she replied, "my husband and I moved to this apartment yesterday, and I don't remember seeing you at breakfast."
October 3, 2024 - People you do not want to hear say 'OOPS!'
Your surgeon.
Your dentist.
Your nurse.
Your hairdresser.
Your mechanic.
Your gardener.
Your tax accountant.
The computer tech person.
The house painter.
The pilot.
The crew installing your roof, siding, sprinkler system . . .
October 2, 2024 - Soul Winning Efforts
A very zealous soul-winning young preacher recently came upon a farmer working in his field. Being concerned about the farmer's soul, the preacher asked the man, "Are you laboring in the vineyard of the Lord, my good man?"
Not even looking at the preacher and continuing his work, the farmer replied, "Naw, these are soybeans."
"You don't understand," said the preacher. "Are you a Christian?"
With the same amount of interest as his previous answer, the farmer said, "Nope my name is Jones. You must be lookin' for Jim Christian. He lives a mile south of here."
The young, determined preacher tried again, asking the farmer, "Are you lost?"
"Naw! I've lived here all my life," answered the farmer.
"Are you prepared for the resurrection?" the frustrated preacher asked.
This caught the farmer's attention and he asked, "When's it gonna be?"
Thinking he had accomplished something, the young preacher replied, "It could be today, tomorrow or the next day."
Taking a handkerchief from his back pocket and wiping his brow, the farmer remarked, "Well, don't mention it to my wife. She don't get out much, and she'll wanna go all three days."
October 1, 2024 - Did You See That?
Tom and Darryl were out hunting deer. Tom asked, "Did you see that?"
"No," Darryl replies.
"Well, a bald eagle just flew overhead."
"Oh," responded Darryl.
A couple of minutes later, Tom said, "Did you see that?"
"See what?"
"Are you blind? There was a big, black bear walking on that hill, over there."
"Oh."
A few minutes later Tom again said, "Did you see that?"
By now, Darryl is getting aggravated, so he says, "Yes, I did!"
And Tom says, "Then why did you step in it?
