August 2024

 August 30, 2024 - Christening
After the christening of his baby brother in church, Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, 'That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I wanted to stay with you guys.'


August 29, 2024 - Children's Sermon
A Baptist pastor was presenting a children's sermon. During the sermon, he asked the children if they knew what the resurrection was. Now, asking questions during children's sermons is crucial, but at the same time, asking children questions in front of a congregation can also be very dangerous.

Having asked the children if they knew the meaning of the resurrection, a little boy raised his hand. The pastor called on him and the little boy said, "I know that if you have a resurrection that lasts more than four hours you are supposed to call the doctor."

It took over ten minutes for the congregation to settle down enough from their laughter for the worship service to be continued.


August 28, 2024 - Kids
An old man in Miami calls up his son in New York and says, "Listen, your mother and I are getting divorced. Forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

“We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,” he says. "I'm sick of her, and I'm sick of talking about this, so call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up.

Now, the son is worried. So he calls up his sister. She says, "They can't get divorced!" and calls her father immediately. "You’re not getting divorced! Don't do another thing, the two of us are flying home tomorrow to talk about this. Until then, don't call a lawyer, don't file a paper, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and she hangs up.

The old man turns to his wife and says "Okay, they’re coming for Christmas and paying their own airfares."


August 27, 2024 - Grandpa's Gift
When our grandson Thomas was 5 years old, his Grandpa thought it would be a good idea to give him a carpenter's set for Christmas. Grandpa finally found a nice carpenter's set that included a hammer, screwdriver, etc. but there was no handsaw. Undaunted, Grandpa bought a small hacksaw to include with the gift.

A couple of months after Christmas, Grandpa phoned grandson Thomas. He said, "Thomas, how are you enjoying your carpenter's set?" There was a very long pause at the other end of the line. Then he heard Thomas holler, "Daaaaaaad! When do I get my saw back?"


August 26, 2024 Chewed Out Answer
A drill sergeant had just chewed out one of his cadets, and as he was walking away, he turned to the cadet and said, "I guess when I die you'll come and dance on my grave."

The cadet replied, "Not me, Sarge...no sir! I promised myself that when I got out of the Army I'd never stand in another line!"


August 23, 2024 - What Would He Pay
While waiting in line to check out at a Christian bookstore, a man in front of me asked the clerk about a display of hats with the letters WWJD on them. The clerk explained that WWJD stands for "What would Jesus do?" and that the idea is to get people to consider this question when making decisions.

The man pondered a moment, then replied, "I don't think he'd pay $17.95 for that hat."

Instructions
My mother was recently on a flight returning from Utah. As the plane was a small puddle jumper, the flight attendants were required to demonstrate the life vest, the oxygen mask, etc. instead of turning on a video.

After they finished their presentation, one of them said "To those of you who listened, thank you. To those of you who ignored us, good luck."


August 22, 2024 - Another Blond Joke
A blonde is driving home and she gets caught in a really bad hailstorm. The hail is as big as tennis balls, and she ends up with her car covered with large dents. So the next day she takes her car to the repair shop.

The shop owner, seeing she is blonde, decides to have a little fun. He tells her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe, really hard, and all the dents will just pop out.

The blonde drives home, gets out of the car, gets down on her hands and knees and starts blowing into the tail pipe.

Nothing happened. So she blew a little harder, and still nothing happens.

Meanwhile, her roommate, also a blonde, comes home and asks,"What in the world are you doing?"

The blonde car owner tells her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tailpipe in order to get all the hail dents to pop out.

Her blonde roommate rolls her eyes and says, "Hell-OOOO! Don't you think you should roll up the windows first?


August 21, 2024 - The Cowboy's Ten Commandments
1) Just one God.

2) Honor yer Ma & Pa.

3) No telling tales or gossipin'.

4) Git yourself to Sunday meeting.

5) Put nothin' before God.

6) No foolin' around with another fellow's gal.

7) No killin'.

8) Watch yer mouth.

9) Don't take what ain't yers.

10) Don't be hankerin' for yer buddy's stuff’s.


August 20, 2024 - Kids in Church
3-year-old Reese : 'Our Father, Who does art in heaven, Harold is His name. Amen.'


August 19, 2024 - Voicemail
Answering machine message, "I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the beep. If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes."


August 16, 2024 - Seeing
Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.


August 14, 2024 - Blessings
Blessed are those who can give without remembering and take without forgetting.


August 13, 2024 - Life
The irony of life is that, by the time you're old enough to know your way around, you're not going anywhere.


August 12, 2024 - God's Plan
God made man before woman so as to give him time to think of an answer for her first question.


August 9, 2024 - Kids On the Old and New Testaments
The following statements about the bible, were written by children. They have not been retouched or corrected. Incorrect spelling has been left in.

1. In the first book of the bible, Guinessis. God got tired of creating the world so he took the Sabbath off.

2. Adam and eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was Joan of Ark. Noah built and ark and the animals came on in pears.

3. Lots wife was a pillar of salt during the day, but a ball of fire during the night.

4. The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic genitals.

5. Sampson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a jezebel like Delilah.

6. Samson slayed the philistines with the axe of the apostles.

7. Moses led the Jews to the red sea where they made unleavened bread, which is bread without any ingredients.

8. The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up to Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments.

9. The first commandments was when eve told Adam to eat the apple.

10. The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.

11. Moses died before he ever reached Canada then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of geritol.

12. The greatest miricle in the bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.

13. David was a Hebrew king who was skilled at playing the liar. He fought the finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in biblical times.

14. Solomon, one of Davids sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

15. When Mary heard she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.

16. When the three wise guys from the east side arrived they found Jesus in the manager.

17. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.

18. St. John the blacksmith dumped water on his head.

19. Jesus enunciated the golden rule, which says to do unto others before they do one to you. He also explained a man doth not live by sweat alone.

20. It was a miricle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.

21. The people who followed the lord were called the 12 decibels.

22. The epistels were the wives of the apostles.

23. One of the oppossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.

24. St. Paul cavorted to Christianity, he preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marraige.

25. Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony.


August 8, 2024 - Caught in the Act
Catching her in the act, I confronted our 3-year-old granddaughter, "Are you eating your little sister's grapes?" I demanded.

"No," she innocently replied, "I'm helping her share."


August 7, 2024 - Angels Explained By Children
I only know the names of two angels, Hark and Harold.
Gregory, age 5

Everybody's got it all wrong. Angels don't wear halos anymore. I forget why, but scientists are working on it.
Olive, age 9

It's not easy to become an angel! First, you die.
Then you go to Heaven, and then there's still the flight training to go through. And then you got to agree to wear those angel clothes.
Matthew, age 9

Angels work for God and watch over kids when God has to go do something else.
Mitchell, age 7

My guardian angel helps me with math, but he's not much good for science. Henry, age 8.
Angels don't eat, but they do drink milk from Holy Cows.
Jack, age 6

Angels talk all the way while they're flying you up to heaven. The main subject is where you went wrong before you got dead.
Daniel, age 9

When an angel gets mad, he takes a deep breath and counts to ten. And when he lets out his breath again, somewhere there's a tornado.
Reagan, age 10

Angels have a lot to do and they keep very busy. If you lose a tooth, an angel comes in through your window and leaves money under your pillow. Then when it gets cold, angels go south for the winter.

Angels live in cloud houses made by God and his son, who's a very good carpenter.
Jared, age 8

All angels are girls because they gotta wear dresses and boys didn't go for it.
Antonio, age 9

My angel is my grandma who died last year. She got a big head start on helping me while she was still down here on earth.
Ashley, age 9

Some of the angels are in charge of helping heal sick animals and pets. And if they don't make the animals get better, they help the child get over it.
Vicki, age 8

What I don't get about angels is why, when someone is in love, they shoot arrows at them.
Sarah, age 7


August 6, 2024 - Wedding Vows
Mrs. Frobisher and her little daughter Patty were outside the church watching all the comings and goings of a wedding. After the photographs had been taken, everyone had driven off to the reception, and all the excitement was over. Patty asked her mother, "Why did the bride change her mind, Mommy?"

"How do you mean, change her mind?" asked Mrs. Frobisher.

"Well," said the child, "she went into the church with one man and came out with another!"


August 5 2024 - New Organist
The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute.. The substitute wanted to know what to play.

"Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But, you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances."

During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up."

At that moment, the substitute organist played "The Star Spangled Banner." And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!


August 2, 2024 - The Perishing Parish
A pastor had had a bad week. On Sunday he was very frustrated and he began his sermon, "Everyone in this parish is going to hell if they don't change their ways."

One man in the back began to laugh.

So the pastor said it again louder.

The man continued to laugh.

The pastor went back to him and asked him why he was laughing.

He answered, "Because I don't belong to this parish!"


August 1 2024 - Get Along Better
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

Proven ways to get along better with EVERYONE:

1. Before you say anything to anyone, ask yourself 3 things:

- Is it true?
- Is it kind?
- Is it necessary?

2. Make promises sparingly and keep them faithfully.

3. Never miss the opportunity to compliment or say something encouraging to someone.

4. Refuse to talk negatively about others; don't gossip and don't listen to gossip.

5. Have a forgiving view of people. Believe that most people are doing the best they can.

6. Keep an open mind; discuss, but don't argue. (It is possible to disagree without being disagreeable.)

7. Forget about counting to 10. Count to 1,000 before doing or saying anything that could make matters worse.

8. Let your virtues speak for themselves.

9. If someone criticizes you, see if there is any TRUTH to what he is saying; if so, make changes. If there is no truth to the criticism, ignore it and live so that no one will believe the negative remark.

10. Cultivate your sense of humor; laughter is the shortest distance between two people.

11. Do not seek so much to be consoled, as to console; do not seek so much to be understood, as to understand; do not seek so much to be loved as to love.