December 2023

December 31, 2023 - Seats
Some people are kind, polite, and sweet-spirited until you try to sit in their pews.


December 30, 2023 - Money
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need, but it's on sale.


December 29, 2023 - Shopping
Q: If the a cat lost his tail, where could he go to get a new one?
A: Wal-Mart - it is the world's largest retailer.


December 26, 2023 - Clothing Label
Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.

Operator: "Woven? Are you sure?"

Caller: "Yes. That's what it says on the label: Woven in Scotland."


December 25, 2023 - Merry Christmas!


December 24, 2023 - Directory Enquiries
Caller: "I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff, please."

Operator: "I'm sorry, but there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?"

Caller: "Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar, but the 'B' fell off."


December 23, 2023 - Marriage
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.


December 22, 2023 - Spelling
"DIAPER spelled backward is REPAID;  think about it."


December 19, 2023 - Babysitting
With some misgivings, we left a young babysitter in charge of our three energetic youngsters.

When we returned a few hours later, she was sitting alone watching TV.

I went to check on the children and found them in our narrow hallway. By bracing their arms and legs against the walls, two of them had climbed up to the ceiling.

"The babysitter taught us how," they said gleefully.

The sitter joined me, her face a deep red. "Since they had me climbing the walls, I figured they might as well be too," she stammered.

We kept the same girl for the next two years.


December 18, 2023 - What's for Dinner?
The young couple invited their elderly pastor for Sunday dinner. While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what they were having.

"Goat," the little boy replied.

"Goat?" replied the startled man of the cloth, "Are you sure about that?"

"Yep," said the youngster. "I heard Dad say to Mom, 'Today is just as good as any to have the old goat for dinner.'"


December 17, 2023 - Sugar
Ben: One of our pigs was sick so I gave him some sugar.

Dan: Sugar! What for?

Ben: Haven't you ever heard of sugar-cured ham?


December 16, 2023 - 10 Questions
Our local paper runs a popular column called "10 Questions" that spotlights people who live in our community.

In addition to the usual inquiries about occupation and age, people are asked the questions that give a snapshot look of their personalities.

Recently one woman was asked, "What's the 'strangest' thing you ever bought?"

She answered, "Dog toothpaste."

Next question, "What is the 'most common' thing people say to you?"

Her answer: "Where did you get such white teeth?"


December 15, 2023 - A Christmas Prayer
Most Holy & Majestic Father,

There's so much "hype" around Christmas time. I have to admit that I enjoy all the jolly jingle and festive frolic as much as anyone. But, Lord, as I enter into the fast-paced season ahead, help me walk slowly and quietly.

Let me stop and listen to the angels sing of the greatest news ever told!
Let my heart, mind and soul join the chorus. "Glory in the Highest!! The Messiah has been born!"

Among all the bright sparkling lights and cheery holiday tunes, let my spirit travel once again toward Bethlehem to honor and worship Jesus, my King! The Prince of Peace, the Lord of Hosts, Mighty Counselor, Son of God, the Lamb. All Your love, mercy and power somehow made flesh in the tiny form of a humble baby born in a manger. Let me worship the only one who is worthy to take our sin away and open the gates of all eternity!

Amen


December 12, 2023 - Wire Guard
Gale-force winds and frigid temperatures had taken their toll. Snapped electric wires were sparking and snaking about the snowdrifts. As a foot patrolman, I was assigned to a desolate intersection to provide security at the scene of a downed wire.

It was 12:40 a.m. and -19 degrees when I relieved the initial guardian of this dangerous area. He pointed out the thin line swinging ferociously from the main electric circuit, as he entered the squad car for his return to warmth. I pulled my coat collar up to my earmuffs and took up my position to protect the public.

Finally, at 5:40 a.m., a utility truck arrived. The linemen checked the wires, then, laughing, descended toward me.

"Well, Officer," one of them said, "congratulations. You've successfully guarded a frozen kite string all night."


December 11, 2023 - Christmas Sign
A church was preparing for Christmas services. The pastor decided he wanted a banner made for the entryway and had a parishioner call the sign company.

The parishioner told the man on the phone the message he wanted and the dimensions needed for the entryway.

The sign came back a few days later... "Unto Mary Jesus was born, six feet long and two feet wide."


December 10, 2023 - The Perfect Husband...
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: 'Hello.'

WOMAN: 'Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?'

MAN: 'Yes.'

WOMAN: 'I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?'

MAN: 'Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.'

WOMAN: 'I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2005 models. I saw one I really liked.'

MAN: 'How much?'

WOMAN: '$90,000.'

MAN: 'OK, but for that price, I want it with all the options.'

WOMAN: 'Great! Oh, and one more thing .....the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000.'

MAN: 'Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand. It is really a pretty good price.'

WOMAN: 'OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!!'

MAN: 'Bye! I love you, too.' The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.....

Then he smiles and asks: 'Anyone know who this phone belongs to?'


December 9, 2023 - Senior's Special
We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the "seniors' special" was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $1.99.

"Sounds good," my wife said. "But I don't want the eggs."

"Then I'll have to charge you two dollars and forty-nine cents because you're ordering a la carte," the waitress warned her.

"You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?" my wife asked incredulously. "I'll take the special."

"How do you want your eggs?"

"Raw and in the shell," my wife replied. She took the two eggs home.


December 8, 2023 - Office Hours
Actual Call Center Conversations"Customer: "I've been ringing 0700 2300 for two days and can't get through to enquiries. Can you help?"

Operator: "Where did you get that number from, sir?"

Customer: "It was on the door to the Travel Centre."

Operator: "Sir, they are our opening hours."


December 5, 2023 - Natural Foods
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.


December 4, 2023 - Consumerism in Christianity
A man was stranded on the proverbial deserted Pacific island for years.

Finally one day a boat comes sailing into view, and the man frantically waves and draws the skipper's attention. The boat comes near the island and the sailor gets out and greets the stranded man.

After awhile the sailor asks, "What are those three huts you have here?"

"Well, that's my house there."

"What's that next hut?" asks the sailor.

"I built that hut to be my church."

"What about the other hut?"

"Oh, that's where I used to go to church."


December 3, 2023 - Bank Line
With only two tellers working at the bank, the line I was standing in was moving very slowly. As I waited, I began to fill in my withdrawal slip. Not sure of the date, I turned and asked the woman behind me.

"It's the fifth," she replied.

A man from the back of the line advised, "Don't write it in yet!"


December 2, 2023 - Brain Problem
Scientists have finally figured out what is wrong with mankind. The problem lies in the two halves of their brains - the left and the right.

The left half has nothing right in it

And the right half has nothing left in it!


December 1, 2023 - Prescription Labels
A pharmacy major was taking a course in Dispensing. One day they were discussing the various labels affixed to prescription containers, such as, "Take with food," and "Take with water."
At the end of class, the professor passed out a few sample labels.

Days later he noticed that one member of the class had struck one of them onto his chemistry textbook.

It read:

"Caution: May cause extreme drowsiness."

November 2023

November 28, 2023 - $50 Question
A scientist and a poet were traveling in the same compartment on a train. They had never met before, so naturally there wasn't much conversation between the two.
The poet was minding his own business, looking out the window at the beauty of the passing terrain. The scientist was very uptight, trying to think of things he didn't know so he could try to figure them out. Finally, the scientist was so bored that he said to the poet, "Hey, do you want to play a game?" The poet, being content with what he was doing, ignored him and continued looking out the window, humming quietly to himself. This infuriated the scientist, who irritably asked again, "Hey, you, do you want to play a game? I'll ask you a question, and if you get it wrong, you give me $5. Then, YOU ask ME a question, and if I can't answer it, I'll give YOU $5."

The poet thought about this for a moment, but he decided against it, seeing that the scientist was obviously a very bright man. He politely turned down the scientist's offer.
The scientist, who by this time was going mad, tried a final time. "Look, I'll ask you a question, and if you can't answer it, you give me $5. Then you ask ME a question, and if I can't answer it, I'll give you $50!"

Now, the poet was not that smart academically, but he wasn't totally stupid. He readily accepted the offer. "Okay," the scientist said, "what is the EXACT distance between the Earth and the Moon?" The poet, obviously not knowing the answer, didn't stop to think about the scientist's question.
He took a $5 bill out of his pocket and handed it to the scientist. The scientist happily accepted the bill and promptly said, "Okay, now it's your turn." The poet thought about this for a few minutes and then asked, "All right, what goes up a mountain on three legs, but comes down on four?"

The bright glow quickly vanished from the scientist's face. He thought about this for a long time, taking out his notepad and making numerous calculations. He finally gave up on his notepad and took out his laptop, using his Multimedia Encyclopedia. After about an hour of this, the poet quietly watching the mountains of Colorado go by the whole time, the scientist FINALLY gave up. He reluctantly handed the poet a $50 bill. The poet accepted it graciously, turning back to the window.

"Wait!" the scientist shouted. "You can't do this to me!

What's the answer?" The poet looked at the scientist and calmly put a $5 bill into his hand.


November 27, 2023 - Shoe Problem
One night a fellow drove his secretary home after she had imbibed a little too much at an office reception. Although this was an innocent gesture, he decided not to mention it to his wife, who tended to get jealous easily.

The next night the man and his wife were driving to a restaurant. Suddenly he looked down and spotted a high-heel shoe half hidden under the passenger seat. Not wanting to be conspicuous, he waited until his wife was looking out her window before he scooped up the shoe and tossed it out of the car.

With a sigh of relief, he pulled into the restaurant parking lot. That's when he noticed his wife squirming around in her seat. "Honey," she asked, "have you seen my other shoe?"


November 26, 2023 - Letter Carrying
A letter carrier's career is a mail-dominated profession.


November 25, 2023 - Nice Boyfriend
One night a teenage girl brought her new boyfriend home to meet her parents, and they were appalled by his appearance: leather jacket, motorcycle boots, tattoos and pierced nose.

Later, the parents pulled their daughter aside and confessed their concern. "Dear," said the mother diplomatically, "he doesn't seem very nice."

"Oh please, Mom," replied the daughter, "if he wasn't nice, why would he be doing 500 hours of community service?"


November 24, 2023 - Housekeeping
I don't do windows because... I love birds and don't want one to run into a clean window and get hurt.

I don't wax floors because... I am terrified a guest will slip, hurt themselves, I'll feel terrible and they may sue me.

I don't mind the dust bunnies because... They are very good company, I have named most of them, and they agree with everything I say.

I don't disturb cobwebs because... I want every creature to have a home of their own.

I don't Spring Clean because... I love all the seasons and don't want the others to get jealous.

I don't pull weeds in the garden because... I don't want to get in God's way, he is an excellent designer.

I don't put things away because. My husband will never be able to find them again.

I don't do gourmet meals when I entertain because... I don't want my guests to stress out over what to make when they invite me over for dinner.

I don't iron because... I choose to believe them when they say "Permanent Press".

I don't stress much on anything because... "A Type" personalities die young and I want to stick around and become a wrinkled up crusty old woman!!!!


November 21, 2023 - Clean Laundry
A young couple moves into a new neighborhood.

The next morning while they are eating breakfast, the young woman sees her neighbor hanging the wash outside.

"That laundry is not very clean," she said. "She doesn't know how to wash correctly. Perhaps she needs better laundry soap." Her husband looked on, but remained silent.

Every time her neighbor would hang her wash to dry, the young woman would make the same comments.

About one month later, the woman was surprised to see a nice clean wash on the line and said to her husband: "Look, she has learned how to wash correctly. I wonder who taught her this?"

The husband said, "I got up early this morning and cleaned our windows."


November 20, 2023 - The Perfect Husband
MAN: 'Hello.'

WOMAN: 'Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?'

MAN: 'Yes.'

WOMAN: 'I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?'

MAN: 'Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.'

WOMAN: 'I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2005 models. I saw one I really liked.'

MAN: 'How much?'

WOMAN: '$90,000.'

MAN: 'OK, but for that price, I want it with all the options.'

WOMAN: 'Great! Oh, and one more thing .....the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000.'

MAN: 'Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand. It is really a pretty good price.'

WOMAN: 'OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!!'

MAN: 'Bye! I love you, too.' The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.....

Then he smiles and asks: 'Anyone know who this phone belongs to?'


November 19, 2023 - Jack
Samsung Electronics Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?"

Operator: "I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about."

Caller: "On page 1, section 5, of the user guide, it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?"

Operator: "I think you mean the telephone socket on the wall."


November 18, 2023 - Great Value in Disaster
Thomas Edison's laboratory was virtually destroyed by fire in December, 1914. Although the damage exceeded $2 million, the buildings were only insured for $238,000 because they were made of concrete and thought to be fireproof. Much of Edison's life's work went up in spectacular flames that December night.

At the height of the fire, Edison's 24-year old son, Charles, frantically searched for his father among the smoke and debris. He finally found him, calmly watching the scene, his face glowing in the reflection, his white hair blowing in the wind.

"My heart ached for him," said Charles. "He was 67 - no longer a young man - and everything was going up in flames. When he saw me, he shouted, "Charles, where's your mother?" When I told him I didn't know, he said, "Find her. Bring her here. She will never see anything like this as long as she lives."

The next morning, Edison looked at the ruins and said, "There is great value in disaster. All our mistakes are burned up. Thank God we can start anew."

Three weeks after the fire, Edison managed to deliver his first phonograph.


November 17, 2023 - Quiz Query
My daughter's 5th-grade class had been studying astronomy.

One morning at breakfast she announced, "On Friday we're having a quiz on the moon."

That's when her little brother piped up, saying, "Are you gonna let her go, Mom?"


November 14, 2023 - Note From Judge
During court one busy day, the judge quietly passed the clerk a note reading: "Blind on right side, may be falling. Please call someone."

Understandably alarmed, the clerk called for help before whispering to the judge that paramedics were on their way.

Puzzled, the judge pointed to a sagging Venetian blind on the right side of the room and explained, "I was thinking maybe someone from maintenance!"


November 13, 2023 - Dirty Magazines
Soon after being transferred to a new duty station, my Marine husband called home to tell me he would be late - again. He went on to say that dirty magazines had been discovered in the platoon's quarters and they had to discipline the whole squad.

I launched into a tirade, arguing that many men had pictures hanging in their quarters at our previous post, so his new platoon should not be penalized so severely.

My husband calmly listened to my gripes and then explained, "Honey, dirty magazines: the clips from their rifles had not been cleaned."


November 12, 2023 - Rock Store
A rock store was closed by the police.

They were taking too much for granite.


November 11, 2023 - Full Cooler
This old fisherman would go out in his boat every morning and come back about an hour later with a cooler filled with fish. The game warden got suspicious as to how the old guy always caught so many fish in such a short time. So he invited himself fishing with the old guy.

They went to the middle of the lake, the old guy pulls out a stick of dynamite and throws it overboard. Boom! Fish start floating to the surface and the old guy starts scooping them up in his net.

The game warden says, "You can't do that. It's illegal."

The old guy quietly lights another stick of dynamite, hands it to the game warden and says, "You gonna talk or are you gonna fish?"


November 10, 2023 - Sick Call
Mr. Frobisher constantly called Dr. Wilson at all hours of the day and night and would then keep him on the phone with a litany of imagined ailments.

Finally the doctor could take it no longer. "Listen, Mr. Frobisher, if you wake me up again in the middle of the night with another one of your tales about some made-up ailment, I am going to insist you see another physician. Have I made myself clear?"

A week later, Mr. Frobisher slipped and fell down a flight of stairs, breaking his hip, two ribs, an elbow, and suffering a concussion. He was rushed to the hospital and put in intensive care.

An hour later, Dr. Wilson walked in, saw his condition, and exclaimed "I think you're finally getting the hang of it!"


November 7, 2023 - Clerk Silence
A really huge muscular guy with a bad stutter goes to a counter in a department store and asks,

"W-w-w-where's the m-m-m-men's dep-p-p-partment?"

The clerk behind the counter just looks at him and says nothing.

The man repeats himself:

"W-w-w-where's the m-m-m-men's dep-p-p-partment?"

Again, the clerk doesn't answer him.

The guy asks several more times:

"W-w-w-where's the m-m-m-men's dep-p-p-partment?"

And the clerk just seems to ignore him.

Finally, the guy storms off in anger.

The customer who was waiting in line behind the guy asks the clerk,

"Why wouldn't you answer that guy's question?"

The clerk answers. . .

"D-d-d-do you th-th-th-think I w-w-w-want to get b-b-b-beat up?!!"


November 6, 2023 - Computer One Liners - Part 3
Programming Department: Mistakes made while you wait.

Programming is an art form that fights back.

RAM disk is not an installation procedure.

Real programs don't eat cache.

Remember the good old days, when CPU was singular?

Remember, UNIX spelled backwards is XINU.

Shell to DOS...Come in DOS, do you copy? Shell to DOS...

Shift to the left! Shift to the right! Pop up, push down, byte, byte, byte!

Smith & Wesson - The ultimate "Point-and-Click" Interface...

Some programming languages manage to absorb change but withstand progress.

Southern DOS: Y'all reckon? (Yep/Nope)

System going down at 5 pm to install scheduler bug.

System halted. Press Enter key to continue.

System has erased all work in progress. Press any key to ignore and continue.

System has violated data integrity. Delete all data? Y/y __

The computer is mightier than the pen, the sword, and usually, the programmer.

The Definition of an Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in.

The determined programmer can write a FORTRAN program in any language.

The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.


November 5, 2023 - First Impressions
My youngest brother Tony had just completed Army basic training and was on leave prior to his first tour in Germany. I am an Army National Guard pilot, and my other
brother is my crew chief. Since we were headed to the air base where Tony was to catch his overseas transport, we offered to take him.

When we landed at McGuire Air Force Base, several of Tony's fellow privates came out to greet him. Tony ran ahead, while my other brother and I followed with his gear. As Tony approached his buddies, he was bewildered by their dumbfounded stares.

Then he realized that his friends weren't seeing his two brothers giving him a lift; they were seeing a new private arrive in his own helicopter -- with a captain and sergeant
carrying his bags!


November 4, 2023 - Weddings
"When you walk down the aisle don't look grim."

Said the preacher. "We'll then sing a hymn.

When I stand by the alter

The groom must not falter."

"Ahh yes," said the bride, "Aisle, alter, hymn."


November 3, 2023 - Computer One Liners - Part 2
ISDN: I Still Don't kNow

ISDN: Idiot Services you Don't Need

It said, "Insert disk #3," but only two will fit!

Klingon prompt: strike any user when ready.

Manual Writer's Creed: Garbage in, gospel out.

Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!

MIPS: Meaningless Indicator of Processor Speed.

Multitasking - screwing up several things at once.

My computer NEVER cras@#%^TU*NO CARRIER

My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.

Nerd: someone on the Dork Side of the Farce.

Network: anything reticulated or decussated at equal intervals, with interstices between the intersections.

Never trust a computer you can't lift. - Stan Masor

Old programmers never die; they just give up their resources.

One person's error is another person's data.

One picture is worth 128K.

Our system is very reliable. Nothing ever goes wr[}-_+=~'{?>.(#$%{!`'?;f;fkj;uiutoiun;gt;to;g;g;t

PCMCIA: People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms

October 2023

October 31, 2023 - Kindness
In the days when an ice cream sundae cost much less, a 10 year old boy entered a hotel coffee shop and sat at a table. A waitress put a glass of water in front of him.

"How much is an ice cream sundae?"

"Fifty cents," replied the waitress.

The little boy pulled his handout of his pocket and studied a number of coins in it. "How much is a dish of plain ice cream?" he inquired.

Some people were now waiting for a table and the waitress was a bit impatient. "Thirty-five cents," she said brusquely.

The little boy again counted the coins. "I'll have the plain ice cream," he said.

The waitress brought the ice cream, put the bill on the table and walked away.

The boy finished the ice cream, paid the cashier and departed.

When the waitress came back, she began wiping down the table and then swallowed hard at what she saw. There, placed neatly beside the empty dish, were two nickels and five pennies -- her tip.


October 30, 2023 - Political Quotes
"I resent your insinuendoes."

"If we don't make some changes, the status quo will remain the same."

"We're going to have the best-educated American people in the world."

"If Lincoln were alive today, he'd roll over in his grave."

"We do not have censorship. What we have is a limitation on what newspapers can report."

"Let's jump off that bridge when we come to it."

"To be demeanered like that is an exercise in fertility."

"I deny the allegations, and I defy the allegators."

"If somebody's gonna stab me in the back, I want to be there."

"When you're talking to me, keep your mouth shut."

"Let's do this in one foul swoop."

"I want to thank each and every one of you for having extinguished yourselves in this session."

"We'll run it up the flagpole and see who salutes that booger."

"I would like to take this time to reirritate my remarks."

"The average age of a 7 year old in this state is 13."

"I hate to confuse myself with the facts."

"We have a permanent plan for the time being."

"Family planning has many misconceptions."

"The people in my district do not want this highway bypass, no matter if it goes through or around the city."

"My knowledge is no match for his ignorance."

"As long as I am in the Senate, there will not be a nuclear suppository in our state."

"These numbers are not my own; they are from someone who knows what he's talking about."

"People planning on getting into serious accidents should have their seat belts on."


October 29, 2023 - Time
Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbour and his wife were told there would be a 45-minute wait for a table.

"Young man, we're both 90 years old," the husband said. "We may not have 45 minutes."

They were seated immediately.


October 28, 2023 - Pants Dilemma
A young man came home from the office and found his bride sobbing convulsively. "I feel terrible," she told him. "I was pressing your suit and I burned a big hole in the seat of your trousers."

"Forget it," consoled her husband. "Remember that I've got an extra pair of pants for that suit."

"Yes, and it's lucky you have," said the woman, drying her eyes. "I used them to patch the hole."


October 27, 2023 - Baseball Quote
At the UPS cargo phone center where I worked, a woman called and said, "I need a baseball quote."

I immediately answered with Yogi Berra's famous "It ain't over 'til it's over!"

There was a brief moment of silence before the woman asked, "What was that?"

"You asked me for a baseball quote," I responded, "and that was the first thing that came into my head."

"Oh," she replied. "My husband told me to call and get a baseball quote."

I asked if she wanted to ship something, and she said she did. Then it dawned on me: "Do you mean you want a ballpark figure?"


October 24, 2023 - Pumpkin Math
Q: What do you get if you divide the circumference of your pumpkin by it's diameter?

A: Pumpkin Pi


October 23, 2023 - Paint
Q: What's red and smells like blue paint?

A: Red paint!


October 22, 2023 - Late Arrival
A guy shows up late for work. The boss yells "You should have been here at 8:30!"

He replies: "Why? What happened at 8:30?"


October 21, 2023 - Motivating Others
John, a neighbor of mine, was annoyed because he had to search for his newspaper each morning after the paperboy tossed it. Often he would find it, covered with dirt, under the car in the gravel driveway. Then one-day the paperboy's mother mentioned that her son's ambition was to play professional basketball. John had an idea.

When he got home, he attached a basketball hoop to a post on the front porch. Sure enough, the next morning there was a resounding "plunk" as the newspaper sailed through the hoop and landed by the door.

John never had to search for his paper again.


October 20, 2023 - Cake Question
While working at Baskin-Robbins, I helped a woman, who was full of questions about the flavors and types available, pick out an ice-cream cake.

As I was boxing it up for her, she had one last question:

"How long do I bake this?"


October 17, 2023 - Bulb
I went into a major retail establishment and asked an employee in the garden section whether they sold hyacinth vases. Seeing her blank look, I described a hyacinth vase, explaining that it has a narrow neck, with space for a flower bulb on top and water on the bottom. Said the employee, "Have you looked in Electronics?"


October 16, 2023 - Hair Color
While talking to a colleague IN PERSON I mentioned that I colored my hair. He asked me what color.


October 15, 2023 - Identification
I went to the registry of motor vehicles to renew my license. When I handed the clerk a check to pay for the license she asked for some identification. I pointed to the renewed picture license that she was holding in her hand.


October 14, 2023 - Internet Gardening
My friend's wife insisted on some professional help in the garden, my friend, being the net-savvy dude that he is, searched Google for a qualified gardener and scheduled a meeting with the man at his Danville home. That person was given directions to the house via email and the meeting was set for 11 AM on Tuesday. At 8 AM my friend received a call from the gardener stating that he could not find the house, let alone the street name on the map he possessed.

"Ok, you know where the Burger King is?" My friend asked on the cell phone, "We're in the homes right behind there."

"Yea, I know the Burger King, but there is no Hartz Avenue at the intersection to turn left onto."

"Ok, which way are you heading, east or west on Danville Blvd?"

"Why, west I suppose."

"And you see the Burger King there on the right?"

"Yes."

"Ok, then just make a left there, that's Hartz Avenue."

A little perturbed, the gardener replied, "There is no street off to the left, it's a dead end."

"Are you sure you're in Danville?"

"Heck yea, I've lived round these parts all my life."

"You're not in San Ramon or something, are you?"

"There ain't no San Ramon round here. I came in from Shelby City."

"Where's Shelby City?"

"Why, it's in Kentucky.

Where are you?"

There was a long pause and my friend answered, "California." And hung up.


October 13, 2023 - Mr. Schwartz
Mr. Schwartz was the oldest of 7 children, so he had to quit school and work to help support his younger brothers and sisters. He never learned to read, so when he married and started a checking account, he signed his checks simply "XX".

Eventually he started his own business, which immediately prospered.

He soon was a very rich man. One day, he got a call from his bank. "Mr. Schwartz," said the banker, "I need to ask you about this check. We weren't sure you had really signed it. All these years you've been signing your checks 'XX', but we just got one that was signed with three XXX's..."

Mr. Schwartz answered, "No problem, my friend. It's just that since I've become so wealthy, my wife thought I ought to have a middle name."


October 10, 2023 - Arrest Mistake
A man is being tailgated by a stressed-out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly the light turns yellow just in front of him. He does the right thing and stops at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman hits the roof, and the horn, screaming in frustration as she misses her chance to get through the intersection with him. As she is still in mid-rant, she hears a tap on her window and looks up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer orders her to exit her car with her hands up. He takes her to the police station where she is searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approaches the cell and opens the door. She is escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer is waiting with her personal effects. He says, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping the guy off in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him." "I noticed the "Choose Life" license plate holder, the "What Would Jesus Do" bumper sticker, the "Follow Me to Sunday School" bumper sticker, and the chrome plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk."

"Naturally I assumed you had stolen the car."


October 9, 2023 - Family Dinner
Family dinner was an enjoyable weekly ritual for us. Although my Mother was in her late 80's she certainly still had the ability to clearly say what was on her mind.

This was the first dinner on my sister's beautiful new dining room furniture. As we all sat enjoying good food and conversation Mom kept squirming in her chair. Finally, my sister asked, "Are you alright? Are you uncomfortable?"

Without looking up from her dinner Mom replied, "No, the chair is."


October 8, 2023 - Synthetic Diamond
An Irishman by the name of O'Mally proposed to his girl on St. Patrick's Day. He gave her a ring with a synthetic diamond. The excited young lass showed it to her father, a jeweler. He took one look at it and saw it wasn't real.

The young lass, on learning it wasn't real, returned to her future husband and protested vehemently about his cheapness.

"It was in honor of St. Patrick's Day," he smiled. "I gave you a sham rock."


October 7, 2023 - Power Lesson
A Sunday school teacher said to her children, "We have been learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times. But, there is a higher power.

Can anybody tell me what it is?"

One child blurted out, "Aces!"


October 6, 2023 - Sister Repair
My sister has the courage, but not always the skills, to tackle any home repair project.

For example, in her garage are pieces of a lawn mower she once tried to fix. So I wasn't surprised the day my other sister, Pam, and I found our sister attacking her vacuum cleaner with a screwdriver.

"I can't get this thing to cooperate," she explained when she saw us.

Pam suggested, "Why don't you drag it out to the garage and show it the lawn mower?"


October 3, 2023 - Happy Cows
Farmer Jones's cows had recently stopped giving good milk. So, he went around asking for advice, and someone told him that happy cows give good milk. Every morning he would go out and tell some jokes to his cows, and they would all laugh. But the rest of the cows in that community thought that the jokes were pretty stupid.

Because of this, his cows became the laughing stock of the town.


October 2, 2023 - Newborn Utterance
The birth of our second child, a daughter, came after a long and difficult labor. But it was definitely worth it when our beautiful little girl emerged, perfect in every way.

Later, in my room, my husband looked at her tenderly, with tears in his eyes. Then as he glanced up at me, I expected him to utter something truly poetic.

Instead he asked, "What'd we decide to call her again?"


October 1, 2023 - Giving
The priest said to the poor farmer, "If you had a horse, would you give it to the Lord?"

"Yes."

"And if you had a cow?"

"Absolutely."

"And a goat?"

"Sure."

"A pig?"

"Now, that's not fair!" protested the farmer. "You know I have a pig!"