October 31, 2022 - White Gloves
Frequent hand washing in my job as a medical technologist and the harsh weather combined give me very dry skin.
One night as I prepared for bed, I rubbed my hands with petroleum jelly and covered them with an old pair of white gloves. As I sat in bed reading a book with my gloves on, my husband finished showering and came into the room wearing a towel.
Drying himself off, he went to the closet, selected a tie and put it on. "What are you doing?" I asked.
"Well" he replied, "if you are going to be formal. So am I."
October 30, 2022 - Flossing
As a dental hygienist, I always encourage patients to floss. During one cleaning, the dentist I work with asked my patient if he was "flossing religiously."
"Well," the man hedged, "I floss more often than I go to church."
October 29, 2022 - Casket Comment
A young minister, in the first days of his first parish, was obliged to call upon the widow of an eccentric man who had just died. Standing before the open casket and consoling the widow, he said, “I know this must be a very hard blow, Mrs. Vernon.
"But we must remember that what we see here is the husk only, the shell.
"The nut has gone to heaven."
October 26, 2022 - Historical Application
Steinberg needs a job, and has no qualms about inventing the necessary qualifications to get it. He reasons that once he finds work, he will impress the boss so much that everything will be forgiven. After a successful initial interview with the Encyclopedia of American History, he is called back to meet the Sales Manager.
"You say you have experience selling books?" the manager asks.
"Oh yes, lots of it," replies Steinberg
"And you say you have a master's in American history from the University of Michigan?" the manager asks.
"That is correct," replies Steinberg. "American history is my field of study."
"Well, then," says the sales manager. "With these qualifications, as soon as I can complete this form, we can get you started in our firm."
While the sales manager is making a few notations, Steinberg, obviously pleased with himself, begins to look around the room. Steinberg notices pictures of Washington and Lincoln on the wall. Pointing to the portraits, Steinberg turns to the sales manager and says, "Fine-looking men. Your partners?"
October 25, 2022 - Payment Plan
Pete and Gladys were looking at a new living room suite in the furniture store. Pete said to the salesman, "We really like it, but I don't think we can afford it."
The salesman said, "You just make a small down payment, and then you don't make another payment for six months."
Gladys wheeled around with her hands on her hips and said, "Who told you about us?"
October 24, 2022 - Monitors
I sell new and used computers for a living. At an exhibit and sale, I decided to give away an old 13-inch monitor that I had lying around. My neighbor came by and said, "You're giving this away? I'll take it!" Then she noticed a 15-inch monitor at the end of my table. "How much for that one?" she asked.
I told her it was $75. She looked down at her free monitor, thought for a moment and asked, "Do you take trade-ins?"
October 23, 2022 - Oneliner
No matter how busy people are, most are never too busy to stop and talk about how busy they are.
October 22, 2022 - Maturing
There is an old story about a mother who walks in on her six-year-old son and finds him sobbing. "What's the matter?" she asks.
"I've just figured out how to tie my shoes."
"Well, honey, that's wonderful." Being a wise mother, she recognizes his victory in the Eriksonian struggle of autonomy versus doubt: "You're growing up, but why are you crying?"
"Because," he says, "now I'll have to do it every day for the rest of my life."
October 19, 2022 - Prescription Check
An old man strode in to his doctors office and said, "Doc, my druggist said to tell you to change my prescription and to check the prescription you've been giving to Mrs. Smith."
"Oh, he did, did he?" the doctor shot back. "And since when does a druggist second guess a doctor's orders?"
The old man says, "Since he found out I've been on birth control pills since February."
October 18, 2022 - Manners
New to town, I was eager to meet people and make friends. So one day I struck up a conversation with the only other woman in the gym. Pointing to two men playing racquetball in a nearby court, I said to her, "There's my husband." Then I added, "The thin one--not the fat one."
After a slightly uncomfortable silence, she replied, "And that's my husband--the fat one."
October 17, 2022 - Good Evening, Ladies and Gentlemen"
A friend was lecturing in Latin America. He was going to use a translator, but to identify with his audience, he wanted to begin his talk by saying in Spanish, "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen." He arrived at the auditorium a little early and realized he did not know the Spanish words for ladies and gentlemen.
Being rather resourceful, he went to the part of the building where the restrooms were, looked at the signs on the two doors, and memorized those two words.
When the audience arrived and he was introduced, he stood up and said in Spanish, "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen."
The audience was shocked. He didn't know whether he had offended them or perhaps they hadn't heard him or understood him. So he decided to repeat it. Again in Spanish he said, "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen."
One person in the audience began to snicker. Pretty soon the entire audience was laughing. Finally, someone told him that he had said, "Good evening, bathrooms and broom closets!"
October 16, 2022 - Van Problem
The fist knocking on the door belonged to a cop. Bracing for the worst, the yard foreman opened the door. "Is that yours?" asked the officer, pointing to a company van that was jutting out into the narrow street.
"Uhh, yes it is," said the foreman. "That is, it's our company's."
"Would you mind moving it?" asked the officer. "We've set up a speed trap, and the van's causing everyone to slow down."
October 15, 2022 - Drum Problem
There was once a small boy who banged a drum all day and loved every moment of it. He would not be quiet, no matter what anyone else said or did. Various attempts were made to do something about the child.
One person told the boy that he would, if he continued to make so much noise, perforate his eardrums. This reasoning was too advanced for the child, who was neither a scientist nor a scholar.
A second person told him that drum beating was a sacred activity and should be carried out only on special occasions. The third person offered the neighbors plugs for their ears; a fourth gave the boy a book; a fifth gave the neighbors books that described a method of controlling anger through biofeedback; a sixth person gave the boy meditation exercises to make him placid and docile. None of these attempts worked.
Eventually, a wise person came along with an effective motivation. He looked at the situation, handed the child a hammer and chisel, and asked, "I wonder what's inside the drum?"
October 12, 2022 - Responsibility
The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed way too qualified for the job.
"Look Miss," said the foreman, "do you have any experience in picking lemons?"
"Well... as a matter if fact, Yes!" she replied. "I've been divorced three times."
October 11, 2022 - Miracle Cure
Doctor Bloom who was known for miraculous cures for arthritis had a waiting room full of people when a little old lady, completely bent over in half, shuffled in slowly, leaning on her cane. When her turn came, she went into the doctor's office, and, amazingly, emerged within half an hour walking completely erect with her head held high.
A woman in the waiting room who had seen all this walked up to the little old lady and said, "It's a miracle! You walked in bent in half and now you're walking erect. What did that doctor do?"
She answered, "Miracle, shmiricle. He gave me a longer cane."
October 10, 2022 - Bathroom Exasperation
As the lone female in our house, I find that certain male habits have really begun to get on my nerves. One day, I emerged from the bathroom completely exasperated when I bumped into my husband. "What is it with guys that they won't replace the toilet paper?!" I raged.
"I know," he said, nodding in agreement. "I noticed that when I was in there earlier."
October 9, 2022 - Mosquitos
The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but mosquitoes come close.
October 8, 2022 - Babies
A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, "Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today."
The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's interesting," she said, "How do you make babies?"
"It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change "y" to "i" and add 'es'"
(What English Teacher wouldn't love that one?)
October 5, 2022 - Grandmother
My three year old walked into the kitchen and announced she'd figured it out: "When I get older and have babies, you'll be their
grandmother."
I was impressed with her deductive reasoning until she went on with a glint in her eye: "...that is if you live long enough."
October 4, 2022 - Writing Stories
A little 4 yr. old girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's word processor. She told him she was writing a story.
"What's it about?" he asked.
"I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."
October 3, 2022 - Neighbors
You Know You Live in a Small Town When...
The "road hog" in front of you on Main Street is a farmer's combine.
The local phone book has only one yellow page.
Third Street is on the edge of town.
You leave your jacket on the back of the chair in the cafe, and when you go back the next day, it's still there, on the same chair.
You don't signal turns because everyone knows where you're going anyway.
No social events can be scheduled when the school gym floor is being varnished.
You call a wrong number and are supplied with the correct one.
Everyone knows all the news before it's published; residents read the hometown paper just to see whether the publisher got it right.
October 2, 2022 - Fireflies
When my grandson, Billy, and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fire flies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use, Grandpa. The mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights."
October 1, 2022 - Doctor Thanks
A man visiting a doctor says; Doctor I just dropped in to tell you how much I benefited from your treatment.
The doctor replied; but you are not one of my patients.
The man said: I know. But my uncle Bill was, and I am his heir.
