May 31, 2022 - Sunday School
A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question, "Boys and girls, what do we know about God? A hand shot up in the air. "He is an artist!" said the kindergarten boy.
"Really? How do you know?" the teacher asked.
"You know - Our Father, who does art in Heaven... "
May 30, 2022 - Successful Marriage
A couple had been married for 45 years and had raised a brood of 11 children and were blessed with 22 grandchildren.
When asked the secret for staying together all that time, the wife replies, "Many years ago we made a promise to each other: the first one to pack up and leave has to take all the kids."
May 29, 2022 - Lumber Need
Some men in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard. One of the men walked in the office and said, "We need some four-by-twos."
The clerk asked, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?"
The man said, "I'll go check," and went back to the truck. He returned and said, "Yeah, I meant two-by-four."
"All right. How long do you need them?"
The customer paused for a minute and said, "I'd better go check."
After a while, the customer returned to the office and said, "A long time. We're gonna build a house."
May 28, 2022 - Fixed Sign
A crew of highway maintenance workers were sent to repair some road signs that vandals had knocked down in a forested area. The first one they put back up was a symbol warning of a deer crossing.
As they moved down the road to repair the next sign, one member, looked back and spotted a deer running across the highway.
She turned to a co-worker and said, "I wonder how long he's been waiting to cross?"
May 25, 2022 - Energy efficient vehicle
While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign...
"Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust."
May 24, 2022 - Building Program
There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program.
The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets."
May 23, 2022 Roof Leak
Mr. Gable had a leak in the roof over his dining room, so he called a repairman to take a look at it. "When did you first notice the leak?" the repairman inquired.
Mr. Gable scowled. "Last night, when it took me two hours to finish my soup!"
May 22, 2022 - Singing Fish
Jimmy: 'Hey, Mike! How's your new pet fish doing? You told me he was really something special.'
Mike: 'To tell the truth, I'm really disappointed in him. The guy who sold him to me said I could teach him to sing like a bird.'
Jimmy: 'What? Let me get this straight... You bought a fish because you thought you could teach him to sing like a bird?'
Mike: 'Well, yeah. After all, you know, he's a parrot fish.'
Jimmy: 'Now listen, Mike, while you might be able to teach a parrot to sing, you're never going to get anywhere with a parrot fish.'
Mike: 'That's what you think! It just so happens this fish CAN sing. The thing is, he's terribly off-key and it's driving me crazy. Do you know how hard it is to tuna fish?'
May 21, 2022 - Gas Prices
Do you think a gallon of gas is expensive?
Just put things a bit in perspective.
Lipton Ice Tea 16 oz $1.19 .........$9. 52 per gallon
Ocean Spray 16 oz $1.25 $10.00 per gallon
Gatorade 20 oz $1.59 ..... $10.17 per gallon
Diet Snapple 16 oz $1.29 ....... $10.32 per gallon
Whiteout 7 oz $1.39 ....... . $25.42 per gallon
Brake Fluid 12 oz $3.15 . $33.60 per gallon
Scope 1.5 oz $0.99 .......$84.48 per gallon
Pepto Bismol 4 oz $3.85 ... $123.20 per gallon
Vick's Nyquil 6 oz $8.35 .... $178.13 per gallon
And this is the REAL KICKER...
Evian water 9 oz $1.49....... ...$21.19 per gallon?! $21.19 for WATER - and the buyers don't even know the source. (Did I mention that Evian spelled backwards is Naive?)
So, the next time you're at the pump, be glad your car doesn't run on water, Scope, or Whiteout, or heaven forbid Pepto Bismal or Nyquil!
May 18, 2022 - Suitor Approval
A good friend of mine warned me that, as my three daughters became old enough to date, I'd disapprove of every young man who took them out.
But when the time came, I was pleased that my friend's prediction was wrong. Each boy was pleasant and well mannered.
Talking to my daughter Joanna one day, I said that I liked all the young men she and her sisters brought home.
"You know, Dad," she replied, "we don't show you everybody."
May 17, 2022 - Chivalry
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
The escalator was broken, and the only way out of the airport was up a flight of stairs. I had a big suitcase and a sore knee.
I began dragging my bag and was making a loud thud on every step when a man behind me grabbed it and carried it to the top.
"That was so chivalrous," I gushed, thanking him.
"Chivalry had nothing to do with it," he said. "I've got a splitting headache."
May 16, 2022 - Eternity
I spent 20 minutes explaining life insurance options to one of our employees.
After reviewing the different plans and monthly deductions, he decided to max out, choosing $100,000 worth of life insurance. But he had one last question.
"Now," he said, "what do I have to do to collect the money?"
May 15, 2022 - Live to 100
When a grandmother was in her late eighties, she decided to move to Israel. As part of the preparations, she went to see her doctor and get all her charts. The doctor asked her how she was doing, so she gave him the litany of complaints - this hurts, that's stiff, I'm tired and slower, etc.
He responded with, "Mrs. Siegel, you have to expect things to start deteriorating. After all, who wants to live to 100?"
The grandmother looked him straight in the eye and replied, "Anyone who's 99."
May 14, 2022 - Chapstick
We had this great 10 year old cat named Jack who just recently died. Jack was a great cat and the kids would carry him around and sit on him and nothing ever bothered him. He used to hang out and nap all day long on the mat in our bathroom. We have 3 kids and at the time of this story they were 4 years old, 3 years old and 1 year old. The middle one is Eli. Eli really loved chapstick. LOVED it. He kept asking to use my chapstick and then losing it. Finally one day I showed him where in the bathroom I keep my chapstick and explained he could use it whenever he wanted to but he needed to put it right back in the drawer after he finished.
That year on Mother's Day, we were having the typical rush around and try to get ready for church with everyone crying and carrying on. My two boys are fighting over the toy in the cereal box. I am trying to nurse my little one at the same time I am putting on my make-up. Everything is a mess and everyone has long forgotten that this is a wonderful day to honor me and the amazing job that is motherhood.
We finally have the older one and the baby loaded in the car and I am looking for Eli. I have searched everywhere and I finally go into the bathroom. There was Eli. He was applying my chapstick very carefully to Jack's . . . rear end. Eli looked right into my eyes and said "chapped." Now if you have a cat, you know that he is right -their little bottoms do look pretty chapped. And, frankly, Jack didn't seem to mind. And the only question to ask at that point was whether it was the FIRST time Eli had done that to the cat's behind or the hundredth!?!
And THAT is my favorite Mother's Day moment ever because it reminds us that no matter how hard we try to civilize these glorious little creatures, there will always be that day when you realize they've been using your chapstick on the cat.
May 11, 2022 - Proper Attire
Proper attire is required in the cafeteria at the University of Maine. To enforce that rule, the management posted this notice:
"Shoes are required to eat in this cafeteria."
Next to it, a student added, "Socks can eat wherever they want."
May 10, 2022 - Photo Apology
Photographer Ruth Van Bergen specialized in celebrity portraits. One wealthy woman complained that Van Bergen's photo wasn't nearly as good as the first one she had taken.
"You must forgive me." the photographer said diplomatically. "The last time I took your picture, I was ten years younger."
May 9, 2022 - Suspicious Delivery
There was an unexpected knock on my door, and like I always do I first opened the peephole and asked, "Who's there?"
"Parcel post, ma'am. I have a package that needs a signature."
"Where's the package?" I asked suspiciously. The deliveryman held it up.
"Could I see some ID?" I said, still not convinced.
"Lady," he replied wearily, "if I wanted to break into your house, I'd probably just use these." And he pulled out the keys I had left in the door.
May 8, 2022 - Funeral Weather
As with many funerals, it was a cloudy, rainy day. The deceased was a little old lady who had devoted her entire married life to fussing at her poor husband. When the graveside service had no more than terminated, there was a tremendous burst of thunder accompanied by a distant lightning bolt.
The little ol man looked at the pastor and calmly said, "Well, she's there."
May 7, 2022 - Hunting Pairs
A group of friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.
"Where's Joey?" the others asked.
"Joe fell and broke his ankle. He's 5 miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied.
"You left Joe laying out there and carried the deer back?" they inquired.
"A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one is going to steal Joe!"
May 4, 2022 - Good Morning
Somebody has well said there are only two kinds of people in the world.
There are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning,Lord," and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's morning."
May 3, 2022 - Breakable
There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country.
"Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk.
"Only the Ten Commandments," answered the lady.
May 2, 2022 - God's Power
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
A boy was helping his mother bring the clothes in off the line as a storm threatened.
As they brought in the last armload and closed the door, the boy waved his hand at the heavens and said, "Okay God! Let'er go!"
May 1, 2022 - Snake Glasses
An old snake goes to see his Doctor. "Doc, I need something for my eyes, I can't see very well these days."
The doctor fixes him up with a pair of glasses and tells him to return in 2 weeks.
The snake comes back in 2 weeks and tells the doctor he's very depressed.
The doctor says, "What's the problem? Didn't the glasses help you?"
"The glasses are fine doc, but I just discovered I've been living with a water hose the past 2 years."
