March 30, 2022 - Priory PriorityThe 104-year-old building that had served as the priory and primary student residence of the small Catholic university where I work was about to be demolished. As the wrecker's ball began to strike, I sensed the anxiety and sadness experienced by one of the older monks whose order had founded the college.
"This must be difficult to watch, Father," I said. "The tradition associated with that building, the memories of all the students and monks who lived and worked there. I can't imagine how hard this must be for you."
"It's worse than that," the monk replied. "I think I left my PalmPilot in there."
March 29, 2022 - Military Man
A career military man, who had retired as a Master Sergeant, was telling the new recruits how he handled officers during his years of service.
"It didn't matter a hoot if he was a full bird colonel, Major General, an Admiral, or what! I always told those guys exactly where to get off."
"Wow, you must have been something," the admiring young soldiers remarked. "What was your job in the service?"
"Elevator operator in the Pentagon."
March 28, 2022 - Paid For
My wife and I, both graduate students, recently celebrated the arrival of our first child. At my wife's insistence, we had paid our entire medical bill and were now worried about meeting other payments.
We were discussing our sad financial situation one evening when our son demanded a diaper change. As my wife leaned over the baby's crib, I heard her mutter, "The only thing in the house that's paid for, and it leaks."
March 27, 2022 - Record Store
A woman meant to call a record store, but dialed the wrong number and got a private home instead. "Do you have 'Eyes of Blue' and 'A Love Supreme?'" she asked.
"Well, no," answered the puzzled homeowner. "But I have a wife and eleven children."
"Is that a record?" she inquired, puzzled in her turn.
"I don't think so," replied the man, "but it's as close as I want to get."
March 26, 2022 - Beef Prices
It's a summer holiday weekend and a man walks into a butcher shop which has a sign in the window saying "Ground Sirloin: 29 cents per pound"
The man says, "I'm having a cookout this weekend. I'd like 5 pounds of yourground sirloin, please."
The butcher shakes his head and says, "Sorry. I'm all out."
The man, disappointed goes down the street to another butcher shop and asks, "How much is your ground sirloin?"
The proprietor replies, "It's $3.29 per pound."
"Three twenty nine!?!" exclaimed the customer. "Just up the street he sells it for 29 cents!"
The butcher smiles calmly at the gentleman and asks, "Does he have any?"
"No. He's out of it right now."
"Well," says the butcher. "When I don't have any, I can sell it for 19 cents per pound!"
March 23, 2022 - Bible Hunt
One fellow was violently tearing through his Bible in a desperate search when a friend came up and asked, "Is something wrong?"
"Yes," he said, "I can't remember if the Thanksgiving story is in the Old Testament or New Testament!"
March 21, 2022 - Mystery
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
Mr. Smith was a traveling salesman and frequent flyer, so he was always very careful to mark his luggage so that no one would mistakenly take his bags.
He always did this with bright ribbons and tape, so he was quite surprised to see his bags grabbed by a well dressed man when he got to the luggage carousel.
Mr. Smith walked over to the fellow and pointed out the colored ribbons tied to the handle, and the fluorescent tape on the sides.
"I believe that luggage is mine. Were your bags marked like this?", he asked.
"Actually", the man replied, "I was wondering who did this to my luggage."
March 20, 2022 - Free Paper
My dry cleaner very generously gives each customer a free copy of the daily newspaper. As I took my copy, I told him, "I hope the business grows enough to offset the cost of the papers."
"Oh, don't worry about us," he said. "Nothing dirties clothes more than newsprint."
March 19, 2022 - Arguing
The other day, Nancy and I got into some petty argument. (I say it was petty. She would have said it was Armageddon.) As is our nature, neither of us would admit the possibility that we might be in error.
To her credit, Nancy finally said, "Look. I'll tell you what. I'll admit I'm wrong if you admit I was right."
"Fine." I said.
She took a deep breath, looked me in the eye and said, "I'm wrong."
I grinned and replied, "You're right."
March 16, 2022 - Vet Bills
While waiting at the veterinarian's office, I overheard two women chatting about their dogs.
"What's your dog's name?" asked the first woman.
"Well, we used to call her Pork Chop," answered the second lady. "But after the vet bills we've had for her, we now call her Filet Mignon."
March 15, 2022 - Ice Capades
A mother's four-year-old daughter was attending her first performance of the Ice Capades. She was so mesmerized that she wouldn't budge from her seat even during intermission, watching the activity while the ice was cleaned.
At the end of the show, she exclaimed, "I know what I want to be when I grow up!"
The mother envisioned her on the ice in another 15 years, starring in the Ice Capades.
She was brought back to earth when the daughter continued, "I want to be a Zamboni driver!"
March 14, 2022 - The Front Pew
An elderly woman walked into the local country church. The friendly usher greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight of steps.
"Where would you like to sit?" he asked politely.
"The front row please," she answered.
"You really don't want to do that," the usher said. "The pastor is really boring."
"Do you happen to know who I am?" the woman inquired.
"No," he said.
"I'm the pastor's mother," she replied indignantly.
"Do you know who I am?" he asked.
"No," she said.
"Good," he answered, "Let me show you the front pew."
March 13, 2022 - Movie Impatience
We went to the movie the other night. I sat in an aisle seat as I usually do because it feels a little roomier. Just as the feature was about to start a baby boomer from the center of the row got up and started working her way out. "Excuse me, sorry, oops, excuse me, pardon me, gotta hurry, oops, excuse me."
By the time she got to me I was trying to look around her and I was a little impatient so I said, "Couldn't you have done this a little earlier?"
"No!!" she said in a loud whisper, "The TURN OFF YOUR CELL PHONE PLEASE message just flashed up on the screen and mine is out in the car."
March 12, 2022 - Golf Lesson
This fellow's wife was constantly nagging him to teach her to play golf. Finally, one morning he relented and off they went. The first hole was a par 3, 179 yards, and very pretty. The husband stepped up first and said, "Now watch me, and do the same thing." He hit a beautiful shot and landed on the green with about 30 feet to the cup.
The wife stepped up, drilled her ball, causing it to hook, ricochet off a tree, bounce off a rock and roll up onto the green - dropping into the cup.
The husband looked at this, and said, "OK, now you know how to play, let's go home."
March 9, 2022 - Diagnosis
The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test.
Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?"
A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered, "A basketball coach?"
March 8, 2022 - Golf Friendless
"Bob, why don't you play golf with John anymore?" asked a friend.
"Would you play golf with a guy who moved the ball with his foot when you weren't watching?" Bob asked.
"Well, no," admitted the friend.
"Neither will John," replied Bob.
March 7, 2022 - Three Day Silence
My wife has not spoken to me in three days. I think it has something to do with what happened on Sunday night when she thought she heard a noise downstairs.
She nudged me and whispered, "Wake up, wake up!"
"What's the matter?" I asked.
"There are burglars in the kitchen. I think they're eating the tuna casserole I made tonight."
"That'll teach them!" I replied.
March 6, 2022 - Dog Employee
A salesman dropped in to see a business customer. Not a soul was in the office except a big dog emptying wastebaskets. The salesman stared at the animal, wondering if his imagination could be playing tricks on him. The dog looked up and said, "Don't be alarmed. This is just part of my job."
"Incredible!" exclaimed the man. "I can't believe it! Does your boss know what a prize he has in you? An animal that can talk!"
"No, no," pleaded the dog. "Please don't! If that man finds out I can talk, he'll make me answer the phone, too!"
March 5, 2022 - Two Feet
A teenager was always asking his father if he could borrow the family car. Pushed to the limit, the father asked his son why he thought God had given him two feet.
Without hesitation, the son replied, "That's easy, one for the clutch and one for the accelator."
March 2, 2022 - Gold Watch
A boss to a retiree:
"As a symbol of our gratitude, we have created this special gold watch to serve as a reminder of your many years with the company. It needs a lot of winding up, is always a little late, and every day at quarter to five, it stops working."
March 1, 2022 - First Job Hunting
Recently, our 18-year-old daughter started hunting for her first real job. She spent an afternoon filling out applications, leaving them on the kitchen table to finish later. As I walked by, a section of the application on top jumped out at me. Under "Previous Employment" she wrote, "Baby sitting."
In answer to "Reason for Leaving" she wrote, "Parents came home."
