May 31, 2021 - Brothers and Sisters
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat, one little boy answered, "Thou shalt not kill."
May 30, 2021 - The Trip to Jerusalem
A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem. A small child replied: "They couldn't get a baby-sitter."
May 29, 2021 - What Would You Do?
A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?" He said, "Call for backup."
May 26, 2021 - A Helping Hand?
A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!" While she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again. As she ran, she once again began to pray, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late... But please, don't shove me either!"
May 25, 2021 - Special Request
An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, "They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead.
May 24, 2021 - Shakespearean in Dallas
A kid and his mom were walking on the sidewalk in Dallas. The kid, being 100% Texan, upon seeing some cowboys, said, "Hey Maw, look at them thar men with them thar bowed laigs."
She said that if he didn't start speaking correct English, she was going to send him to a Shakespearean English school.
A little further along, they saw some more cowboys. "Hey maw! Look at them thar men with them thar bowed legs!" he said.
So, true to her word, she sent him off to a Shakespearean English school to learn correct English.
He came home several months later on vacation. As they walked together down the sidewalk, they saw some cowboys.
"Hark!" he said, "What manner of men are these who wear their legs in parentheses?"
May 23, 2021 - You know you are a geek when
*You look at a movie trailer and think, "I have that font."
*You get bittersweet nostalgic feelings about your long-lost Commodore 64 (or Sinclair ZX-81, TRS-80, etc.) and use large amounts of money & time trying to track one down.
*You check your web access page more than once a day.
*You have more e-mail addresses than pairs of shoes.
*Although vaguely insulted by pocket-protector jokes, you still find them funny.
*Someone asks you what languages you know, and you reply: "German, French, Assembler, Java, and C++."
May 22, 2021 - Garage Wow
There was a knock at the door. It was a small boy, about six years old. Something of his had found its way into my garage, he said, and he wanted it back.
Upon opening the garage door, I noticed two additions: a baseball and a broken window sporting a baseball-sized hole. "How do you suppose this ball got in here?" I asked the boy.
Taking one look at the ball, one look at the window, and one look at me, the boy exclaimed, "Wow! I must have thrown it right through that hole!"
May 19, 2021 - Traffic Laughs, Part 2
* The only way to get home from work on time is to take the day off... even then, you're cutting it close.
* Traffic is so bad nowadays, a pedestrian is someone in a hurry.
* You can sit on the highways forever. In fact, some places have little exit ramps where you can pull over and make a car payment.
* During rush hour the only way you can change lanes is to buy the car driving next to you.
May 18, 2021 - Traffic Laughs, Part 1
* Freeway congestion is getting so bad, you can change a tire without losing your place in line.
* All across the country rush hour traffic is bumper to bumper. The next thing they'll be selling is antiperspirant to put under your car's fenders.
* Traffic is always heavy in both directions. There are just as many people trying to get to whatever you're trying to get away from.
* You have mixed feelings when you see an opening in rush hour traffic. You're glad for the opening, but you wonder who died.
* It's useless to print road maps anymore. You just get on the highway and go wherever the other cars take you.
May 17, 2021 - Milk Switch
To help a friend lose weight, I told her that she should switch to lower-fat foods, including skim milk. When she said her family would drink only whole milk, I suggested that she keep their regular container and refill it with skim milk. This worked for quite a while, until her daughter asked one morning whether the milk was okay.
"Sure, it's fine," my friend answered, fearing she had been found out. "Why do you ask?"
The daughter explained, "Well, according to the expiration date, this milk expired two years ago!"
May 16, 2021 - Clergy Crowd Control
A young clergyman, fresh out of seminary, thought it would help him better understand the fears and temptations his future congregations faced if he first took a job as a policeman for several months.
He passed the physical examination; then came the oral exam to test his ability to act quickly and wisely in an emergency.
Among other questions he was asked, “What would you do to disperse a frenzied crowd?” He thought for a moment and then said, “I would pass an offering plate.”
He got the job.
May 15, 2021 - Clergy Golf
Taking advantage of a balmy day in New York, my brother and three other priests swapped their clerical garb for polos and khakis and time out on the golf course. After several really horrible shots, their caddy asked, "You guys wouldn't be priests by any chance?"
"Actually, yes, we are," one cleric replied. "Why?"
"Because," said the caddy, "I've never seen such bad golf and such clean language."
May 12, 2021 - Lost Ball
My job as a land surveyor took me to a golf course that was expanding from 9 holes to 18 holes.
Using a machete to clear thick brush in an area I was mapping, I came upon a golf club that an irate player must have tossed away. It was in good condition, so I picked it up and continued on.
When I broke out of the brush onto a putting green, two golfers stared at me in awe. I had a machete in one hand, a golf club in the other, and behind me was a clear-cut swath leading out of the woods.
"There," said one of the golfers, "is a guy who hates to lose his ball!"
May 11, 2021 - Parting Words
A pastor was leaving his area and was saying farewell to his congregation at the church doors for the last time. He shook the hand of an elderly lady as she walked out. She said,
"Your successor won't be as good as you."
"Nonsense", said the pastor, in a flattered tone.
"No, really", said the old lady, "I've been here under five different ministers and each new one has been worse than the last."
May 10, 2021 - Drive Slower
Two Philistines were racing down a bumpy back road in a pretty beat up car to a bank they were going to rob.
"Drive slower" pleaded the one in the passenger seat, "I don't want all the dynamite in the trunk to explode."
"Relax," the driver replied, "even if it did, I've got a spare box under the seat."
May 9, 2021 - Anti-burglar Signs
The following are a few simple ways to keep burglars out of the house by putting a few signs in well-placed locations:
Dear Mr. Butcher, starting tomorrow, please leave eight pounds of meat for Brutus. Six pounds only makes him angry and vicious!
Dear Mr. Mailman, we found bloodstains all over our mail. They must be yours. The next time you put mail into our slot, please be sure to keep all parts of your body well clear of all openings. P.S. - Any sign of that book we sent for, "The Care and Feeding of Wild Jungle Cats"?
Dear Mr. Exterminator, be very careful when you go inside! The termites have eaten through most of the floorboards and you will fall into the basement where all of the rats are!
To whom it may concern: Some of the items in this house have been engraved with Federal Identification Numbers. Others have merely been wired to explode when touched. Good luck.
Selma, don't come in! The boa constrictor got loose again.
May 8, 2021 - A Hi-Tech Litmus Test
This morning, on the church newsletter were these instructions:
Hold this paper close to your nose and blow hard into the paper.
If the sheet turns green, you need to see a doctor.
If it turns blue, see your dentist.
If it turns red, see your bank manager.
If it turns black, you need to check your will, so see your lawyer immediately.
If, however, it does not change color, then there is nothing wrong with you, so there is no reason why you should not be in church again next week.
May 5, 2021 - Expecting
"How does Jamie like being pregnant?" Danny asked his friend Ryan.
"Oh, she's not pregnant," Ryan replied, "she's expecting."
"What's the difference?" Danny pressed.
"Well," Ryan explained, "She's expecting me to cook dinner, she's expecting me to do the housework, she's expecting me to rub her feet."
May 4, 2021 - Pain Management
My niece, pregnant with her second child, was certain she wanted an epidural for pain management during childbirth.
Her doctor asked her at which stage of labor she wanted the epidural administered.
Her response: "Just meet me in the parking lot when I arrive!"
May 3, 2021 - Patio Problem
My husband, Ray, was attempting to build a patio for the first time. He bought 100 cement blocks. Laying them out in a pattern, he discovered the chosen area was too small.
He stacked the blocks against the house and cleared more space. The next day Ray put the cement blocks back down, only to find that the ground was too hard to keep the patio level.
He ordered a truckload of sand to be delivered the following morning. Again he stacked the 100 blocks against the house.
Observing all this, our next-door neighbor asked, "Ray, are you going to put your patio away every night?"
May 2, 2021 - Interpreting Hotel Brochures
Old world charm ............. No bath
Tropical ............. Rainy
Majestic setting ............. A long way from town
Options galore ............. Nothing is included in the itinerary
Secluded hideaway ............. Impossible to find or get to
Pre-registered rooms ............. Already occupied
Explore on your own ............. Pay for it yourself
Knowledgeable trip hosts ............. They've flown in an airplane before
No extra fees ............. No extras
Nominal fee ............. Outrageous charge
Standard ............. Sub-standard
Deluxe ............. Standard
Superior ............. One free shower cap
All the amenities ............. Two free shower caps
Cozy ............. Small
Plush ............. Top and bottom sheets
Gentle breezes ............. Occasional Gale-force winds
Light and airy ............. No air conditioning
Picturesque ............. Theme park nearby
Concierge ............. Stand with tourist brochures
Continental breakfast ............. Free muffin
May 1, 2021 - Oarsmen News
One day, the Captain of the 40-oared royal Nile barge went down to speak to the oarsmen in the hold of his ship.
"Men, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is, the Queen will be joining us today for a trip up the Nile."
The men cheered and sang the praises of the Queen.
The captain then continued, "The bad news is, she wants to go water skiing."
