April 28, 2021 - Why did Freud cross the road?
Hmm, and when did you first notice this interest in roads?
April 27, 2021 - Free Will
A young couple came into the church office to fill out a pre-marriage questionnaire form. The young man, who had never talked to a pastor before, was quite nervous and the pastor tried to put him at ease.
When they came to the question, "Are you entering this marriage of your own free will?" there was a long pause.
Finally, the girl looked over at the apprehensive young man and said, "Put down yes."
April 26, 2021 - Parking Solution
A pastor of a two-church parish had to drive every Sunday morning about 4 miles from the 9:30 service at one church to the 11 o'clock at the other. He would often find the parking lot of the second church full, and be forced to park down the road and race to the church on foot.
The problem was finally solved when he selected a parking spot near the side door of the church and posted a sign that read, "You Park - You Preach."
April 25, 2021 - Rest Home Trial
Aunt Mary, a spinster of 92, had finally consented to go to a rest home, but strictly on a two-week-trial basis. Consequently, she took a small overnight case with only the bare essentials.
A couple of days later her niece was surprised to get a phone call from her demanding more clothes.
"Please bring me that good black silk, my lavender print, the brown wool..." and she went on and on. Finally after a brief questioning from her niece, Aunt Mary expostulated:
"There are MEN in this place!"
April 24, 2021 - Bull Healing
A farmer asked his vet to come out to check on his favorite bull who wasn't doing well at all. After checking the bull's vital signs, the vet reached in his black bag and pulled out a rather large pill. He forced open the bull's mouth and crammed the pill down his gullet.
Suddenly the bull jumped up and took off, jumping every fence in his way.
The vet exclaimed, "Well, looks like your bull is healed!"
The farmer replied, "Now give me one of those pills. I've gotta catch him!"
April 21, 2021 - Cake Disaster
Many years ago my just-married young cousin moved into an upstairs apartment and invited some of her women friends over for the evening. She put out snacks and then came out with a cake that looked like a disaster.
She apologized and said she didn't know what happened to the cake because, she explained, "I even used the high altitude directions because I live upstairs."
April 20, 2021 - Are You a Policeman?
A tourist asks a man in uniform, "Are you a policeman?"
"No, I am an undercover detective."
"So why are you in uniform?"
"Today is my day off."
April 19, 2021 - Boat Compromise
My friend wanted a boat more than anything. His wife kept refusing, but he bought one anyway. "I'll tell you what," he told her, "In the spirit of compromise, why don't you name the boat?"
Being a good sport, she accepted. When her husband went to the dock for his maiden voyage, this is the name he saw painted on the side: "For Sale."
April 18, 2021 - Flight Advice
On a recent flight, an elderly passenger kept peering out the window. Since it was totally dark, all she could see was the blinking wing-tip light. Finally, she rang for the flight attendant.
"I'm sorry to bother you," she said, "but I think you should inform the pilot that his left-turn indicator is on and has been for some time."
April 17, 2021 - Age Advice
An enormously wealthy 65-year-old man falls in love with a young woman in her twenties and is contemplating a proposal.
"Do you think she'd marry me if I tell her I'm 45?" he asked a friend.
"Your chances are better," said the friend, "if you tell her you're 90."
April 14, 2021 - Swanky Dining
The couple entered the resort's swanky dining room. "I'm sorry," apologized the Maitre d', "but there are no tables available."
"One moment, my friend," said the man, drawing himself up. "I happen to be Gregory R. Caruthers, the sportsman."
"I'd like to accommodate you, Mr. Caruthers, but there just isn't a table available this evening."
"I bet if President Bush came in and asked for a table, there'd be one available."
"Yes-s-s," the Maitre d' admitted, "I suppose there would be a table available for President Bush."
"Good! I'll take it. George can't make it tonight!"
April 13, 2021 - Deck Praise
I was working in the sun all day, putting finishing touches on the new deck outside my house. My sister pulled into the driveway, greeted me, and looked over my work.
"Wow," she gushed, "you're an expert."
Feeling complimented and satisfied, but...trying not to seem egotistical, I responded... "Once you get going, it's pretty easy!"
She looked puzzled and wondering if I'd misunderstood her I asked, "What did you just say?"
She replied, "I said, your neck's burnt!"
April 12, 2021 - Redecorating Advice
A young couple decided to redecorate their bedroom. They weren't sure how many rolls of wallpaper they would need, but they knew that the couple next door had recently done the same job and the two rooms were identical in size.
So, they called their friends and asked, "How many rolls of wallpaper did you buy for your bedroom?"
"Ten," said their friends.
So they bought the ten rolls of paper and did the job, but had 2 rolls leftover.
They called their friends back and said, "We bought ten rolls of wallpaper for the bedroom, but we've got 2 left over!"
"Yeah, so did we."
April 11, 2021 - Refined Shopping
A very refined young man comes to a small food shop and sees fruit. "Give me two pounds of oranges and wrap every orange up in a separate plastic bag, please," he says to the saleswoman. She does it.
"And three pounds of cherries, please, and wrap up every berry in a plastic bag too." She does.
"And what are those there?" he asks pointing out at something dark in the corner.
"Raisins," says the saleswoman, "but they're not for sale."
April 10, 2021 - Baby-sitting
We encouraged our 18-year-old daughter to find a job to help pay for her college education.
One day she came home with five applications, and later that evening we read them.
Under "Previous Employment," she listed "Baby-sitting."
And under "Reason for Leaving" she wrote, "They came home."
April 7, 2021 - Salt Lake vs. Denver
I couldn't decide whether to go to Salt Lake City or Denver for vacation, so I called the airlines to get prices. "Airfare to Denver is $300," said a cheery salesperson.
"And what about Salt Lake City?"
"We have a really great rate to Salt Lake. It's $99.00, but there is a stopover."
"Where?"
"In Denver."
April 6, 2021 - Hospital Regulations
Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman--already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet--who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
"I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."
April 5, 2021 - Cub Reporter
The newspaper editor was instructing the cub reporter in important details of his calling. "Never state as a fact anything you are not absolutely sure about," said the editor. "To avoid putting the paper in the position of stating something which it may not be able to prove, you should always use the words 'alleged,' 'claimed,' 'reputed,' 'rumored,' and so on, unless you know positively that everything is true as stated.
The cub was sent out to get society items, and soon thereafter the following paragraph appeared in the society column:
"It is rumored that a bridge party was given yesterday by a number of reputed ladies. Mrs. Smith, it is said, was hostess. The guests, it is alleged, with the exception of Mrs. Brown, who says that she comes from Illinois, were all local people. Mrs. Smith claims to be the wife of Alexander Smith, who is rumored to be doing a thriving business in town."
April 4, 2021 - Haircut Plan
I was getting my hair cut at a neighborhood shop, and I asked the barber when would be the best time to bring in my two-year-old son.
Without hesitation, the barber answered, "When he's four."
April 3, 2021 - Noise Abatement
"Flight 1234," the control tower advised, "turn right 45 degrees for noise abatement."
"Roger," the pilot responded, "but we're at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
"Sir," the radar man replied, "have you ever heard the noise a 727 makes when it hits a 747?"
