February 28, 2021 - Collect Call
My mother was away all weekend at a business conference.
During a break, she decided to call home collect. My six-year-old brother picked up the phone and heard a stranger's voice say, "We have a Betty on the line. Will you accept the charges?"
Frantic, he dropped the receiver and came charging outside screaming, "Dad! They've got Mom! And they want money!"
February 27, 2021 - What Don't You Have?
An elderly man went to the doctor for a visit. "Doc," he says," I am so stricken. I have chest pains, headaches, back pains, nausea, arthritis, constipation, stomach cramps, earaches, burning in the eyes, congested lungs..."
"Sir," says the doctor, "you complain you have so many things. What don't you have?"
The man answers, "Teeth."
February 24, 2021 - Bad Advertising?
My father is a skilled CPA who is not great at self-promotion. So when an advertising company offered to put my father's business placard in the shopping carts of a supermarket, my dad jumped at the chance. Fully a year went by before we got a call that could be traced to those placards.
"Richard Larson, CPA?" the caller asked.
"That's right," my father answered. "May I help you?"
"Yes," the voice said. "One of your shopping carts is in my yard, and I want you to come and get it."
February 23, 2021 - Lobster "Pets"
After a day fishing in the ocean a fisherman is walking from the pier carrying two lobsters in a bucket. He is approached by the Game Warden who asks him for his fishing license.
The fisherman says to the warden, "I did not catch these lobsters, they are my pets. Everyday I come done to the water and whistle and these lobster jump out and I take them for a walk only to return them at the end of the day."
The warden, not believing him, reminds him that it is illegal to fish without a license. The fisherman turns to the warden and says, "If you don't believe me then watch," as he throws the lobsters back into the water.
The warden says, "Now whistle to your lobsters and show me that they will come out of the water."
The fisherman turns to the warden and says, "What lobsters?"
February 22, 2021 - Soup "Solution"
Customer: Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!
Waiter: Don't worry, sir. The frog should surface any moment now.
February 21, 2021 - Roughing It
A friend and his wife were considering traveling to Alaska for a trip that the husband had long dreamed of taking. He kept talking about how great it would be to stay in a log cabin without electricity, to hunt moose, and drive a dog team instead of a car.
"If we decided to live there permanently, away from civilization, what would you miss the most?" he asked his wife.
She replied, "You."
February 20, 2021 - Thank You Cards
My first stop on my vacation was my sister's house in Montana. She's extremely organized. Before she leaves on a trip, she always types up address labels for her postcards.
This time, I figured I'd done her one better. I boasted, "You'll be impressed. I've already written thank-you notes to everyone with whom I'll be staying. They're all stamped and ready to go."
My sister was silent for a moment, and then she said, "You mean those little envelopes I saw in your room and mailed this morning?"
February 17, 2021 - Lost in a Bookstore
A friend and her young son, Reid, were browsing in a large bookstore. Engrossed in making a selection, my friend had lost sight of her child.
"Reid!" she called out, racing through the aisles. "Reid!"
Just as she spotted the boy, she bumped into another customer. "Pardon me, ma'am," he said, "but most folks come here because they already like to read. No sense in wasting your time trying to convince them."
February 16, 2021 - Delivery Suspicion
There was an unexpected knock on my door, and like I always do, I first opened the peephole and asked, "Who's there?"
"Parcel post, ma'am. I have a package that needs a signature."
"Where's the package?" I asked suspiciously. The delivery man held it up.
"Could I see some ID?" I said, still not convinced.
"Lady," he replied wearily, "if I wanted to break into your house, I'd probably just use these." And he pulled out the keys I had left in the door.
February 15, 2021 - New Boots
My first grade daughter and her friend both needed new boots as winter approached. The friend got in the car one morning and finally had gotten her boots. "Beth," I commented, "I see you got new boots. Where did you get them?"
"At the store," she answered.
"Which one?" I asked.
She began looking at her new boots and after a pause said, "Both of them."
February 14, 2021 - Lesson in Driving
My teenage niece was nervous as she took the wheel for her first driving lesson. As she was pulling out of the parking lot, the instructor said, "Turn left here, and don't forget to let the people behind you know what you're doing."
My niece turned to the students sitting in the back seat and announced, "I'm going left."
February 13, 2021 - Picture Favor
Dining out one evening, I noticed six teenagers boisterously celebrating some event at a nearby table. Toward the end of their meal, one of them got up and produced a camera.
"Hey, wait a minute," one of her companions said. "You have to be in the picture too."
When I approached and asked if I could help, the girl who owned the camera was delighted. I snapped a picture of the group and then, being unfamiliar with the camera, I asked her, "Do you want me to take another in case that one doesn't come out?"
"Oh, no, that's okay," she chirped innocently. "I always get double prints."
February 10, 2021 - A Few Words
Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50."
The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100."
The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon and it takes eight people to collect all the money!"
February 9, 2021 - Ride To Church
A teenager who had just received her learner's permit offered to drive her parents to church. After a hair-raising ride, they finally reached their destination.
The mother got out of the car and said, "Thank you!"
"Anytime," her daughter replied.
As the woman slammed the door, she said, "I wasn't talking to you. I was talking to God."
February 8, 2021 - Message Puzzle
April was puzzled recently by the odd messages she kept getting on her voice mail. Day after day, all she'd hear, from friends, family, and customers alike, would be their message and then they'd ALL say, "BEEP."
We were talking about something else and I had her check her voice mail message to find something out. She discovered the solution to the BEEP riddle.
Her message said, "I'm not available right now, so, please leave a beep after the message."
February 7, 2021 - Farewell Luncheon
The staff at the office where my wife works was hosting a farewell luncheon for a retiring colleague.
As the group prepared to go to the restaurant, they found that they couldn't fit the giant balloon they had purchased for the guest of honor into the car. Undaunted, they simply held the balloon out the window as they drove.
My wife and her co-workers weren't prepared for the glares they received from passers-by. As the long line of traffic in front of their vehicle began to turn, they saw that their car was right behind a funeral procession.
There was nothing they could do but hold on to the balloon with its bright red farewell message: "Gone but not forgotten."
February 6, 2021 - Pillar Interruption
The Sunday School teacher described how Lot's wife looked back at Sodom and was turned into a pillar of salt.
Suddenly Jimmy interrupted. "My mom looked back once while she was driving," he announced triumphantly, "and she turned into a telephone pole!"
February 3, 2021 - Pie Manners
In a country home that seldom had guests, the young son was eager to help his mother after his father appeared with two dinner guests from the office.
When the dinner was nearly over, the boy went to the kitchen and proudly carried in the first piece of apple pie, giving it to his father, who passed it to a guest. The boy came in with a second piece of pie and again watched his father give it to a guest.
This was too much for the boy, who said, "It's no use, Dad. The pieces are all the same size."
February 2, 2021 - Arrangements
It was a difficult subject to bring before his aged mother, but John felt that he must: "Mom, you're no longer a spring chicken and you do need to think ahead of what'll happen in the future. Why don't we make arrangements about when...you know...when...you pass on?"
The mother didn't say anything, just sat there staring ahead.
"I mean, Mom, like...how do you want to finally go? Do you want to be buried? Cremated?"
There was yet another long pause. Then the mother looked up and said, "Son, why don't you surprise me?"
February 1, 2021 - Classmate Reunion
While waiting for my first appointment in the reception room of a new dentist, I noticed his certificate, which bore his full name.
Suddenly, I remembered that a tall, handsome boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 30 years ago. Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, grey-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate.
After he had examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended the local high school.
"Yes," he replied.
When did you graduate?" I asked.
He answered, "In 1971. Why?"
"You were in my class!" I exclaimed.
He looked at me closely and then asked, "What did you teach?"
