January 31, 2021 - Empty-nest Craft
I am a first-grade teacher and a new empty-nester. One night I was trying out an art project: making a person with simple materials. I took a coat hanger, attached a paper-plate face, put a shirt on the hanger, and stuffed it. Then I set it on the couch to see how it looked.
Later that evening, my son walked through the door, home for a surprise visit. Taking one look at my coat-hanger friend sitting on the couch, he said, "Mom, it's not that bad, is it?"
January 30, 2021 - Golf Hole
A young minister and Mr. Sims, an elderly parishioner, were playing golf. The minister's game was off and the old man was beating him quite badly.
At the end of the game, the Mr. Sims tried to console his minister by saying, "Don't worry, Reverend, one of these days you'll be burying me."
"Yes," sighed the minister, "but even then, it will be your hole!"
January 27, 2021 - Marrying Young
My sister went to the department store to check out the bridal registry of our niece whose wedding was coming up soon. When my sister returned from the store, she tossed the gift list on a table and declared, "I think she's too young to get married."
"Why do you say that?" I asked.
"Because," she said, "they've registered for Nintendo games."
January 26, 2021 - Ball Markers
A Golfer walks into the pro shop at the local course and asks the golf pro if they sell ball markers.
The golf pro says, "Yes, they are just $1.00 each."
The guy gives the golf pro a dollar and says he'll take one.
The golf pro opens the register, puts the dollar in the tray and with a big smile hands the guy a quarter.
January 25, 2021 - Ever Driven a Honda?
A biker is riding a new motorcycle on the highway. While passing a car, he knocks on the window. The driver of the car opens the window, "Yes?"
"Ever driven a Honda motorcycle?"
"No I haven't"
The biker drives on, until he sees the next car. While passing it, he knocks on the window. The driver of the car opens the window: "Yes?"
"Ever driven a Honda motorcycle?"
"No I haven't"
Then suddenly there is a curve, the biker sees it too late. He crashes off the road into a ditch. A car stops and a man runs to the unlucky biker. Covered in blood, the biker asks, "Ever driven a Honda motorcycle?"
"Yes I have. I had a Honda for 20 years."
The biker says, "Tell me, where are the brakes?!"
January 24, 2021 - Control and Escape
The computer company my wife works for distributed a corporate clothing catalog that included a pair of cuff links. One was inscribed Ctrl (control) and the other Esc (escape), just as they look on a computer keyboard.
"They would make a good present for any man," my wife commented to a colleague, "if only to remind him of the two things he can never have."
January 23, 2021 - Dr. Dress Up
During my surgical residency I was called out of a sound sleep to the emergency room. Unshaven and with tousled hair, I showed up with an equally unrepresentable medical student. In the ER we encountered the on-call medical resident and his student, both neatly attired in clean white lab coats.
The resident said to his student, "You can always tell the surgeons by their absolute disregard for appearance."
Two evenings later, I was at a banquet when called to the ER to suture a minor laceration.
I was stitching away -- wearing a tuxedo -- when I encountered that same medical resident. He looked at me, then said to his student, "Sure is sensitive to criticism, isn't he?"
January 20, 2021 - Computer Help Desk Funnies #2
Customer: "Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says, 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says it can't find it."
______
Customer: "I have problems printing in red."
Help desk: "Do you have a color printer?"
Customer: "Aaaah... Thank you."
______
Customer: "My keyboard is not working anymore."
Help desk: "Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?"
Customer: "No. I can't get behind the computer."
Help desk: "Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back."
Customer: "Okay."
Help desk: "Did the keyboard come with you?"
Customer: "Yes."
Help desk: "That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?"
Customer: "Yes, there's another one here. Ahh, that one works!"
______
Help desk: "Your password is the small letter 'a' as in apple, a capital letter 'V' as in Victor, and the number '7'."
Customer: "Is that '7' in capital letters?"
______
Help desk: "What anti-virus program do you use?"
Customer: "Netscape."
Help desk: "That's not an anti-virus program."
Customer: "Oh, sorry... Internet Explorer."
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Customer: "I have a huge problem. A friend has put a screensaver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears!"
January 19, 2021 - Computer Help Desk Funnies #1
A customer couldn't get on the Internet:
Help desk: "Are you sure you used the right password?"
Customer: "Yes I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it."
Help desk: "Can you tell me what the password was?"
Customer: "Five stars."
______
Help desk: "What kind of computer do you have?"
Customer: "A white one."
______
Customer: "Hi, this is Rose. I can't get my diskette out."
Help desk: "Have you tried pushing the button?"
Customer: "Yes, sure, it's really stuck."
Help desk: "That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note."
Customer: "No...wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... Sorry..."
______
Help desk: "Click on the 'My Computer' icon on to the left of the screen."
Customer: "Your left or my left?"
______
Help desk: "Good day. How may I help you?"
Male customer: "Hello, I can't print."
Help desk: "Would you click on start for me and..."
Customer: "Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates, you know!"
January 18, 2021 - Heavenly Perspective
Because our former small-town parish was not a wealthy one, our pastor was dependent on parishioners for upkeep and maintenance of the church. Once he asked my husband, Sam, to rewire the confessionals.
The only way to reach the wiring was to enter the attic above the altar and crawl over the ceiling by balancing on the rafters. Concerned for my husband's safety, I waited in a pew. Unbeknownst to me, some parishioners were congregating in the vestibule. They paid little attention to me, probably assuming I was praying.
Worried about my husband, I looked up toward the ceiling and yelled, "Sam, Sam! Are you up there? Did you make it okay?"
There was quite an outburst from the vestibule when Sam's hearty voice echoed down, "Yes, I made it up here just fine!"
January 17, 2021 - Senior Perspective
A group of senior citizens were sitting around talking about their ailments: "My arms are so weak I can hardly hold this cup of coffee," said one.
"Yes, I know. My cataracts are so bad I can't even see my coffee," replied another.
"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a third, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.
"My blood pressure pills make me dizzy," another went on.
"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as he shook his head.
Then there was a short moment of silence...
"Well, it's not that bad," said one woman cheerfully. "At least we can still drive!"
January 16, 2021 - Pet Training
A rolled up newspaper can be an effective pet training tool when used properly.
For instance, use the rolled-up newspaper if your dog chews up something inappropriate or has a housebreaking accident. Bring the dog over to the destroyed object (or mess), then take the rolled-up newspaper and hit yourself over the head as you repeat the phrase, "I forgot to watch my dog! I forgot to watch my dog!"
January 13, 2021 - Things Not To Say or Do at a Job Interview
See photo of interviewer's family on desk, point, start laughing uncontrollably.
Ask if there is only one emergency exit, grin and say; 'Boy!, I bet this floor would be in trouble if someone barricaded that.'
Inquire on office policy of friends staying over.
Claim you wouldn't even need a 'sit-in' job if Al Einstein hadn't stolen your secret patent for '2000 Flushes'
Over-emphasize your ability to use a copier.
Ask if it's O.K. that you sit on the floor.
Although parking was free, insist that they validate something or you're not leaving.
Mention your resume would have been stronger, but you didn't feel like making anything else up.
Walk into interviewer's office with a tape measure, measure office from a few angles, put away, declare; "NOW we can begin."
Upon walking into the office for first time, ask receptionist to hold all your calls.
January 12, 2021 - Chemlite Arrival
Nights in England are coal black, making parachute jumps very difficult. We attach small lights called chemlites to make our jumpsuits visible to the rest of the team.
Late one night, lost after a practice jump, we knocked at the door of a small cottage. When a woman answered, she was greeted by the sight of five men festooned in glowing chemlites.
"Excuse me," I said, "Can you tell us where we are?"
In a thick English accent, the woman paused before answering and then replied, "Earth."
January 11, 2021 - Good Doctors
A fellow was asked if there were any good doctors is his home town. "Good doctors!" he exclaimed. "We have the best doctors in the world. Dr. James Jones is one good doctor; he's great; he saved my life."
"You don't say! How was that?"
"I was very sick and called Dr. Smith. He gave me some medicine and I got very, very ill. I then called Dr. Peters. He gave me more medicine. I got worse - I thought I was going to die.
"Then I called Dr. Jones. He had no time to come. He saved my life."
January 10, 2021 - Dining In
My husband and I both work, so our family eats out a lot.
Recently, when we were having a rare home-cooked meal, I handed a glass to my three year old and asked her to please drink her milk.
She looked at me bewildered, "But I didn't order milk."
January 9, 2021 - Home Donations
A tired homemaker opened the front door of her home to find a young minister from the neighborhood who said, "I'm collecting donations for the new children's home we're building. I hope you'll give what you can."
"To be sure," said the beleaguered woman, "I'll give you two boys, two girls, or one of each."
January 6, 2021 - How To Photograph A New Puppy
1. Remove film from box and load camera.
2. Remove film box from puppy's mouth and throw in trash.
3. Remove puppy from trash and brush coffee grounds from muzzle.
4. Choose a suitable background for photo.
5. Mount camera on tripod and focus.
6. Find puppy and take dirty sock from mouth.
7. Place puppy in pre-focused spot and return to camera.
8. Forget about spot and crawl after puppy on knees.
9. Focus with one hand and fend off puppy with other hand.
10. Get tissue and clean nose print from lens.
11. Put cat outside and put peroxide on the scratch on puppy's nose.
13. Put magazines back on coffee table.
14. Try to get puppy's attention by squeaking toy over your head.
15. Replace your glasses and check camera for damage.
16. Jump up in time to grab puppy by scruff of neck and say, "No, outside! No, outside!"
17. Clean up mess.
18. Sit back in chair with lemonade and resolve to teach puppy "sit" and "stay" the first thing in the morning.
January 5, 2021 - Great Truths About the Stages of Life
1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.
January 4, 2021 - Great Truths About Growing Old
1) Growing up is optional; growing old is mandatory.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer!, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.
January 3, 2021 - Great Truths that Adults have Learned
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
January 2, 2021 - Great Truths that Children have Learned
1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.
