Good, Clean Jokes and Funny Stories


Good, Clean Jokes and Funny Stories


While the Bible isn't a joke book, it is obvious that humor played an important role in Hebrew culture. When drought hit Jacob's world he turned to his sons and said, "Why are you staring at one another...Go down [to Egypt] and buy some for us" (Gen 42:1-2). I also hear humor in some of Jesus' remarks, like when He renamed James and John the "sons of thunder" or when He said the Pharisees where like whitewashed tombs, full of dead men's bones (Matt 23). I think we need the picture of Jesus laughing and enjoying people. In fact, while Jesus indeed had many hard things to say, He was also full of emotion, joy and celebration. Even as He rebuked the Pharisees, we see a glimpse of His demeanor in ministry when He scolded them saying, "We played the flute for you, but you would not dance" (Matt 11). There was something very non-religious in Jesus that laughter, celebration and humor is part of. Hopefully, these jokes, stories and quips will help make your day more merry as you walk with the Lord Jesus through this world.

Francis

May 2021

May 31, 2021 - Brothers and Sisters
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat, one little boy answered, "Thou shalt not kill."


May 30, 2021 - The Trip to Jerusalem
A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem. A small child replied: "They couldn't get a baby-sitter."


May 29, 2021 - What Would You Do?
A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?" He said, "Call for backup."


May 26, 2021 - A Helping Hand?
A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!" While she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again. As she ran, she once again began to pray, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late... But please, don't shove me either!"


May 25, 2021 - Special Request
An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, "They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead.


May 24, 2021 - Shakespearean in Dallas
A kid and his mom were walking on the sidewalk in Dallas. The kid, being 100% Texan, upon seeing some cowboys, said, "Hey Maw, look at them thar men with them thar bowed laigs."

She said that if he didn't start speaking correct English, she was going to send him to a Shakespearean English school.

A little further along, they saw some more cowboys. "Hey maw! Look at them thar men with them thar bowed legs!" he said.

So, true to her word, she sent him off to a Shakespearean English school to learn correct English.

He came home several months later on vacation. As they walked together down the sidewalk, they saw some cowboys.

"Hark!" he said, "What manner of men are these who wear their legs in parentheses?"


May 23, 2021 - You know you are a geek when
*You look at a movie trailer and think, "I have that font."
*You get bittersweet nostalgic feelings about your long-lost Commodore 64 (or Sinclair ZX-81, TRS-80, etc.) and use large amounts of money & time trying to track one down.
*You check your web access page more than once a day.
*You have more e-mail addresses than pairs of shoes.
*Although vaguely insulted by pocket-protector jokes, you still find them funny.
*Someone asks you what languages you know, and you reply: "German, French, Assembler, Java, and C++."


May 22, 2021 - Garage Wow
There was a knock at the door. It was a small boy, about six years old. Something of his had found its way into my garage, he said, and he wanted it back.

Upon opening the garage door, I noticed two additions: a baseball and a broken window sporting a baseball-sized hole. "How do you suppose this ball got in here?" I asked the boy.

Taking one look at the ball, one look at the window, and one look at me, the boy exclaimed, "Wow! I must have thrown it right through that hole!"


May 19, 2021 - Traffic Laughs, Part 2
* The only way to get home from work on time is to take the day off... even then, you're cutting it close.

* Traffic is so bad nowadays, a pedestrian is someone in a hurry.

* You can sit on the highways forever. In fact, some places have little exit ramps where you can pull over and make a car payment.

* During rush hour the only way you can change lanes is to buy the car driving next to you.


May 18, 2021 - Traffic Laughs, Part 1

* Freeway congestion is getting so bad, you can change a tire without losing your place in line.

* All across the country rush hour traffic is bumper to bumper. The next thing they'll be selling is antiperspirant to put under your car's fenders.

* Traffic is always heavy in both directions. There are just as many people trying to get to whatever you're trying to get away from.

* You have mixed feelings when you see an opening in rush hour traffic. You're glad for the opening, but you wonder who died.

* It's useless to print road maps anymore. You just get on the highway and go wherever the other cars take you.


May 17, 2021 - Milk Switch
To help a friend lose weight, I told her that she should switch to lower-fat foods, including skim milk. When she said her family would drink only whole milk, I suggested that she keep their regular container and refill it with skim milk. This worked for quite a while, until her daughter asked one morning whether the milk was okay.

"Sure, it's fine," my friend answered, fearing she had been found out. "Why do you ask?"

The daughter explained, "Well, according to the expiration date, this milk expired two years ago!"


May 16, 2021 - Clergy Crowd Control

A young clergyman, fresh out of seminary, thought it would help him better understand the fears and temptations his future congregations faced if he first took a job as a policeman for several months.

He passed the physical examination; then came the oral exam to test his ability to act quickly and wisely in an emergency.

Among other questions he was asked, “What would you do to disperse a frenzied crowd?” He thought for a moment and then said, “I would pass an offering plate.”
He got the job.


May 15, 2021 - Clergy Golf

Taking advantage of a balmy day in New York, my brother and three other priests swapped their clerical garb for polos and khakis and time out on the golf course. After several really horrible shots, their caddy asked, "You guys wouldn't be priests by any chance?"

"Actually, yes, we are," one cleric replied. "Why?"

"Because," said the caddy, "I've never seen such bad golf and such clean language."


May 12, 2021 - Lost Ball

My job as a land surveyor took me to a golf course that was expanding from 9 holes to 18 holes.

Using a machete to clear thick brush in an area I was mapping, I came upon a golf club that an irate player must have tossed away. It was in good condition, so I picked it up and continued on.

When I broke out of the brush onto a putting green, two golfers stared at me in awe. I had a machete in one hand, a golf club in the other, and behind me was a clear-cut swath leading out of the woods.

"There," said one of the golfers, "is a guy who hates to lose his ball!"


May 11, 2021 - Parting Words
A pastor was leaving his area and was saying farewell to his congregation at the church doors for the last time. He shook the hand of an elderly lady as she walked out. She said,

"Your successor won't be as good as you."

"Nonsense", said the pastor, in a flattered tone.

"No, really", said the old lady, "I've been here under five different ministers and each new one has been worse than the last."


May 10, 2021 - Drive Slower
Two Philistines were racing down a bumpy back road in a pretty beat up car to a bank they were going to rob.

"Drive slower" pleaded the one in the passenger seat, "I don't want all the dynamite in the trunk to explode."

"Relax," the driver replied, "even if it did, I've got a spare box under the seat."


May 9, 2021 - Anti-burglar Signs
The following are a few simple ways to keep burglars out of the house by putting a few signs in well-placed locations:

Dear Mr. Butcher, starting tomorrow, please leave eight pounds of meat for Brutus. Six pounds only makes him angry and vicious!

Dear Mr. Mailman, we found bloodstains all over our mail. They must be yours. The next time you put mail into our slot, please be sure to keep all parts of your body well clear of all openings. P.S. - Any sign of that book we sent for, "The Care and Feeding of Wild Jungle Cats"?

Dear Mr. Exterminator, be very careful when you go inside! The termites have eaten through most of the floorboards and you will fall into the basement where all of the rats are!

To whom it may concern: Some of the items in this house have been engraved with Federal Identification Numbers. Others have merely been wired to explode when touched. Good luck.

Selma, don't come in! The boa constrictor got loose again.


May 8, 2021 - A Hi-Tech Litmus Test

This morning, on the church newsletter were these instructions:

Hold this paper close to your nose and blow hard into the paper.

If the sheet turns green, you need to see a doctor.

If it turns blue, see your dentist.

If it turns red, see your bank manager.

If it turns black, you need to check your will, so see your lawyer immediately.

If, however, it does not change color, then there is nothing wrong with you, so there is no reason why you should not be in church again next week.


May 5, 2021 - Expecting

"How does Jamie like being pregnant?" Danny asked his friend Ryan.

"Oh, she's not pregnant," Ryan replied, "she's expecting."

"What's the difference?" Danny pressed.

"Well," Ryan explained, "She's expecting me to cook dinner, she's expecting me to do the housework, she's expecting me to rub her feet."


May 4, 2021 - Pain Management
My niece, pregnant with her second child, was certain she wanted an epidural for pain management during childbirth.

Her doctor asked her at which stage of labor she wanted the epidural administered.

Her response: "Just meet me in the parking lot when I arrive!"


May 3, 2021 - Patio Problem

My husband, Ray, was attempting to build a patio for the first time. He bought 100 cement blocks. Laying them out in a pattern, he discovered the chosen area was too small.

He stacked the blocks against the house and cleared more space. The next day Ray put the cement blocks back down, only to find that the ground was too hard to keep the patio level.

He ordered a truckload of sand to be delivered the following morning. Again he stacked the 100 blocks against the house.

Observing all this, our next-door neighbor asked, "Ray, are you going to put your patio away every night?"


May 2, 2021 - Interpreting Hotel Brochures
Old world charm ............. No bath
Tropical ............. Rainy
Majestic setting ............. A long way from town
Options galore ............. Nothing is included in the itinerary
Secluded hideaway ............. Impossible to find or get to
Pre-registered rooms ............. Already occupied
Explore on your own ............. Pay for it yourself
Knowledgeable trip hosts ............. They've flown in an airplane before
No extra fees ............. No extras
Nominal fee ............. Outrageous charge
Standard ............. Sub-standard
Deluxe ............. Standard
Superior ............. One free shower cap
All the amenities ............. Two free shower caps
Cozy ............. Small
Plush ............. Top and bottom sheets
Gentle breezes ............. Occasional Gale-force winds
Light and airy ............. No air conditioning
Picturesque ............. Theme park nearby
Concierge ............. Stand with tourist brochures
Continental breakfast ............. Free muffin


May 1, 2021 - Oarsmen News
One day, the Captain of the 40-oared royal Nile barge went down to speak to the oarsmen in the hold of his ship.

"Men, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is, the Queen will be joining us today for a trip up the Nile."

The men cheered and sang the praises of the Queen.

The captain then continued, "The bad news is, she wants to go water skiing."

April 2021

April 28, 2021 - Why did Freud cross the road?
Hmm, and when did you first notice this interest in roads?


April 27, 2021 - Free Will
A young couple came into the church office to fill out a pre-marriage questionnaire form. The young man, who had never talked to a pastor before, was quite nervous and the pastor tried to put him at ease.

When they came to the question, "Are you entering this marriage of your own free will?" there was a long pause.

Finally, the girl looked over at the apprehensive young man and said, "Put down yes."


April 26, 2021 - Parking Solution
A pastor of a two-church parish had to drive every Sunday morning about 4 miles from the 9:30 service at one church to the 11 o'clock at the other. He would often find the parking lot of the second church full, and be forced to park down the road and race to the church on foot.

The problem was finally solved when he selected a parking spot near the side door of the church and posted a sign that read, "You Park - You Preach."


April 25, 2021 - Rest Home Trial
Aunt Mary, a spinster of 92, had finally consented to go to a rest home, but strictly on a two-week-trial basis. Consequently, she took a small overnight case with only the bare essentials.

A couple of days later her niece was surprised to get a phone call from her demanding more clothes.

"Please bring me that good black silk, my lavender print, the brown wool..." and she went on and on. Finally after a brief questioning from her niece, Aunt Mary expostulated:

"There are MEN in this place!"


April 24, 2021 - Bull Healing
A farmer asked his vet to come out to check on his favorite bull who wasn't doing well at all. After checking the bull's vital signs, the vet reached in his black bag and pulled out a rather large pill. He forced open the bull's mouth and crammed the pill down his gullet.

Suddenly the bull jumped up and took off, jumping every fence in his way.

The vet exclaimed, "Well, looks like your bull is healed!"

The farmer replied, "Now give me one of those pills. I've gotta catch him!"


April 21, 2021 - Cake Disaster
Many years ago my just-married young cousin moved into an upstairs apartment and invited some of her women friends over for the evening. She put out snacks and then came out with a cake that looked like a disaster.

She apologized and said she didn't know what happened to the cake because, she explained, "I even used the high altitude directions because I live upstairs."


April 20, 2021 - Are You a Policeman?
A tourist asks a man in uniform, "Are you a policeman?"

"No, I am an undercover detective."

"So why are you in uniform?"

"Today is my day off."


April 19, 2021 - Boat Compromise
My friend wanted a boat more than anything. His wife kept refusing, but he bought one anyway. "I'll tell you what," he told her, "In the spirit of compromise, why don't you name the boat?"

Being a good sport, she accepted. When her husband went to the dock for his maiden voyage, this is the name he saw painted on the side: "For Sale."


April 18, 2021 - Flight Advice
On a recent flight, an elderly passenger kept peering out the window. Since it was totally dark, all she could see was the blinking wing-tip light. Finally, she rang for the flight attendant.

"I'm sorry to bother you," she said, "but I think you should inform the pilot that his left-turn indicator is on and has been for some time."


April 17, 2021 - Age Advice
An enormously wealthy 65-year-old man falls in love with a young woman in her twenties and is contemplating a proposal.

"Do you think she'd marry me if I tell her I'm 45?" he asked a friend.

"Your chances are better," said the friend, "if you tell her you're 90."


April 14, 2021 - Swanky Dining
The couple entered the resort's swanky dining room. "I'm sorry," apologized the Maitre d', "but there are no tables available."

"One moment, my friend," said the man, drawing himself up. "I happen to be Gregory R. Caruthers, the sportsman."

"I'd like to accommodate you, Mr. Caruthers, but there just isn't a table available this evening."

"I bet if President Bush came in and asked for a table, there'd be one available."

"Yes-s-s," the Maitre d' admitted, "I suppose there would be a table available for President Bush."

"Good! I'll take it. George can't make it tonight!"


April 13, 2021 - Deck Praise
I was working in the sun all day, putting finishing touches on the new deck outside my house. My sister pulled into the driveway, greeted me, and looked over my work.

"Wow," she gushed, "you're an expert."

Feeling complimented and satisfied, but...trying not to seem egotistical, I responded... "Once you get going, it's pretty easy!"

She looked puzzled and wondering if I'd misunderstood her I asked, "What did you just say?"

She replied, "I said, your neck's burnt!"


April 12, 2021 - Redecorating Advice

A young couple decided to redecorate their bedroom. They weren't sure how many rolls of wallpaper they would need, but they knew that the couple next door had recently done the same job and the two rooms were identical in size.

So, they called their friends and asked, "How many rolls of wallpaper did you buy for your bedroom?"

"Ten," said their friends.

So they bought the ten rolls of paper and did the job, but had 2 rolls leftover.

They called their friends back and said, "We bought ten rolls of wallpaper for the bedroom, but we've got 2 left over!"

"Yeah, so did we."


April 11, 2021 - Refined Shopping

A very refined young man comes to a small food shop and sees fruit. "Give me two pounds of oranges and wrap every orange up in a separate plastic bag, please," he says to the saleswoman. She does it.

"And three pounds of cherries, please, and wrap up every berry in a plastic bag too." She does.

"And what are those there?" he asks pointing out at something dark in the corner.

"Raisins," says the saleswoman, "but they're not for sale."


April 10, 2021 - Baby-sitting
We encouraged our 18-year-old daughter to find a job to help pay for her college education.

One day she came home with five applications, and later that evening we read them.

Under "Previous Employment," she listed "Baby-sitting."

And under "Reason for Leaving" she wrote, "They came home."


April 7, 2021 - Salt Lake vs. Denver

I couldn't decide whether to go to Salt Lake City or Denver for vacation, so I called the airlines to get prices. "Airfare to Denver is $300," said a cheery salesperson.

"And what about Salt Lake City?"

"We have a really great rate to Salt Lake. It's $99.00, but there is a stopover."

"Where?"

"In Denver."


April 6, 2021 - Hospital Regulations
Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman--already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet--who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.

After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.

"I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."


April 5, 2021 - Cub Reporter

The newspaper editor was instructing the cub reporter in important details of his calling. "Never state as a fact anything you are not absolutely sure about," said the editor. "To avoid putting the paper in the position of stating something which it may not be able to prove, you should always use the words 'alleged,' 'claimed,' 'reputed,' 'rumored,' and so on, unless you know positively that everything is true as stated.

The cub was sent out to get society items, and soon thereafter the following paragraph appeared in the society column:

"It is rumored that a bridge party was given yesterday by a number of reputed ladies. Mrs. Smith, it is said, was hostess. The guests, it is alleged, with the exception of Mrs. Brown, who says that she comes from Illinois, were all local people. Mrs. Smith claims to be the wife of Alexander Smith, who is rumored to be doing a thriving business in town."


April 4, 2021 - Haircut Plan

I was getting my hair cut at a neighborhood shop, and I asked the barber when would be the best time to bring in my two-year-old son.
Without hesitation, the barber answered, "When he's four."


April 3, 2021 - Noise Abatement

"Flight 1234," the control tower advised, "turn right 45 degrees for noise abatement."

"Roger," the pilot responded, "but we're at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"

"Sir," the radar man replied, "have you ever heard the noise a 727 makes when it hits a 747?"

March 2021

March 31, 2021 - Sunday - a matter of perspective
After church one Sunday morning, a mother commented, "The choir was awful this morning."

The father commented, "The sermon was too long."

Their 7-year-old daughter added, "You've got to admit it was a pretty good show for a dollar."


March 30, 2021 - Finish Paving

While a friend and I were visiting Annapolis, we noticed several students on their hands and knees assessing the courtyard with pencils and clipboards in hand. "What are they doing?" I asked our tour guide.

"Each year," he replied with a grin, "The upperclassmen ask the freshmen how many bricks it took to finish paving this courtyard."

"So what's the answer?" my friend asked him when we were out of earshot of the freshmen.

The guide replied, "One."


March 29, 2021 - Business Exhaustion
The businessman dragged himself home and barely made it to his chair before he dropped exhausted.

His sympathetic wife was right there with a tall cool drink and a comforting word. "My, you look tired," she said. "You must have had a hard day today. What happened to make you so exhausted?"

"It was terrible," her husband said. "My computer broke down and I had to do my own thinking."


March 28, 2021 - Game Question
The golfer muffed his tee shot into the woods, then hit into a few trees, then proceeded to hit across the fairway into another woods. Finally, after banging away several more times, he proceeded to hit into a sand trap.

All the while, he'd noticed that the club pro had been watching.

"What club should I use now?" he asked the pro.

"I don't know," the pro replied. "What game are you playing?"


March 27, 2021 - A Matter of Opinion
A wife was getting tired of her husband golfing every Saturday, so she decided to go with him to see what the attraction was.

His first drive of the day went into the rough, then his second shot bounced across the fairway into the lake. After retrieving his ball, his third shot wasn't any better. It went back across the fairway into the rough again.

After taking several more shots to finally reach the green, he turned to his wife and said,

"And you thought I was having a good time."


March 24, 2021 - What's It Take?
"What do you have to do to become a doctor?" my six-year-old granddaughter once asked.

Her dad, seeing an opportunity, said, "You have to do extremely well in school, take a lot of math and science, get into an excellent college, make the highest grades possible, and then go to med school, and follow that with an internship. Then you can start your own practice. Honey, as smart as you are, you can be anything you want to be."

Erin gave all this a moment's thought and then asked, "What do you have to do to be queen?"


March 23, 2021 - License Picture
A traffic cop stopped a woman for a minor traffic violation. After examining her driver's license in silence for a moment, he said, "You know something? This is one of the finest, most realistic pictures I've ever seen. I'm glad to see you aren't one of those vain women who have their photos retouched to remove all the lines in their face."

"Sir," she replied icily, "you are looking at my thumb-print."


March 22, 2021 - A Puzzling Phone Call
A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper:

"Hello."

"Is your daddy home?" he asked.

"Yes," whispered the small voice.

"May I talk with him?"

The child whispered, "No."

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"

"Yes."

"May I talk with her?"

Again the small voice whispered, "No."

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"

"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman."

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"

"No, he's busy", whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?"

"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," came the whispered answer.

Growing more worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"

"A helicopter!" answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.

Again, whispering, the child answered, "The search team just landed the helicopter."

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle:..........."ME."


March 21, 2021 - Ride or Walk?

A Scotsman, planning a trip to the Holy Land, was aghast when he found it would cost fifty dollars an hour to rent a boat on the Sea of Galilee. "Hoot mon," he said. "In Scotland it wouldna ha been more than $20."

"That might be true," said the travel agent, "but you have to take into account that the Sea of Galilee is water on which our Lord Himself walked."

"Well, at $50 an hour for a boat," said the Scotsman, "it's no wonder He walked."


March 20, 2021 - Kid's Version - STORY OF ELIJAH
The Sunday school teacher was carefully explaining the story of Elijah the Prophet and the false prophets of Baal. She explained how Elijah built the altar, put wood upon it, cut the steer in pieces, and laid it upon the altar. And then, Elijah commanded the people of God to fill four barrels of water and pour it over the altar. He had them do this four times.

"Now," said the teacher, "can anyone in the class tell me why the Lord would have Elijah pour water over the steer on the altar?"

A little girl in the back of the room started waving her hand, "I know! I know!" she said, "To make the gravy!"


March 17, 2021 - Kid's Version - HIGHER POWER
A Sunday school teacher said to her children, "We have been learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times. But, there is a higher power. Can anybody tell me what it is?" One child blurted out, "Aces!" 


March 16, 2021 - Kid's Version - DID NOAH FISH?
A Sunday schoolteacher asked, "Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark?" "No," replied Johnny. "How could he, with just two worms." 


March 15, 2021 - Kid's Version - THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD
A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible; Psalm 23. She gave the youngsters a month to learn the verse. Little Rickey was excited about the task -- but, he just couldn't remember the Psalm.

After much practice, he could barely get past the first line. On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Rickey was so nervous.

When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly, "The Lord is my Shepherd, and that's all I need to know."


March 14, 2021 - Kid's Version - MOSES & THE RED SEA
Nine-year-old Joey, was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday school.

"Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When he got to the Red Sea, he had his army build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely. Then, he radioed headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved."

"Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?" his mother asked.

"Well, no, Mom. But, if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!"


March 13, 2021 - Bad Day Sign
You know it's going to be a bad day when your teenager knocks on your bedroom door first thing in the morning and says,

"Today is Nerd Day at school, dad. Can I borrow some of your clothes?"


March 10, 2021 - Sermon Feedback
After a very long and boring sermon the parishioners filed out of the church saying nothing to the preacher. Toward the end of the line was a thoughtful person who always commented on the sermons. "Pastor, today your sermon reminded me of the peace and love of God."

The pastor was thrilled. "Nobody has ever said anything like that about my preaching before. Tell me why."

"Because it endured forever."


March 9, 2021 - Birthday / Anniversary
A man entered a stationery store and asked the clerk for a birthday/anniversary card. The clerk replied, "We have birthday cards and we have anniversary cards. Why not take one of each?"

The man said, "You don't understand. I need a card that covers both events. You see, we're celebrating the fifth anniversary of my wife's twenty-ninth birthday."


March 8, 2021 - Eye Contact
A customer wanted to ask his attractive waitress for a date, but couldn't get her attention. When he was able to catch her eye, she quickly looked away. Finally he followed her into the kitchen and blurted out his invitation. To his amazement, she readily consented.

He said, "Why have you been avoiding me all this time? You wouldn't even make eye contact."

"Oh," said the waitress, "I thought you wanted more coffee."


March 7, 2021 - New Year's Dinner
As in many homes on New Year's Day, my wife and I faced the annual conflict of which was more important - the football games on television, or the dinner itself. To keep peace, I ate dinner with the rest of the family, and even lingered for some pleasant after-dinner conversation before retiring to the family room to turn on the game.

Several minutes later, my wife came downstairs and graciously even brought with her a cold pop for me. She smiled, kissed me on the cheek and asked what the score was. I told her it was the end of the third quarter and that the score was still nothing to nothing.

"See?" she said, continuing to smile, "You didn't miss a thing."


March 6, 2021 - Mouse Mom
A mother mouse and a baby mouse are walking along when all of a sudden a cat attacks them. The mother mouse yells, "BARK!" and the cat runs away.

"See?" says the mother mouse to her baby. "Now do you see why it's important to learn a foreign language?"


March 3, 2021 - Waist Deep
While driving through Buffalo after a heavy snowstorm, a motorist noted a cop, apparently waist deep in snow, directing traffic. Feeling sorry for him, the motorist called out "I'm sorry you have to work half buried in the snow."

The cop called back "Don't feel sorry for me, feel sorry for my horse!"


March 2, 2021 - The Loan
A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer.  She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blond hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce.

The car is parked on the street in front of the bank.  She hands over the title to the vehicle to the loan officer and everything checks out.  The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.  The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan.

An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.  The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled.  While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire.  What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

The blonde replies, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

Finally, a Smart Blonde joke.


March 1, 2021 - The Birthday Gifts
For her birthday, a little girl had recently received a new watch and some perfume, which she was very excited about. That same day, her family asked the pastor over for dinner. The girl wanted so badly to tell the pastor about her new gifts, but her mother insisted she wait until after dinner and not interrupt at meal time.

Not able to contain her excitement, yet not wanting to disobey, the little girl leaned over to the pastor during dinner and whispered, "If you hear a little noise and smell something, it's me!"

February 2021

February 28, 2021 - Collect Call
My mother was away all weekend at a business conference.

During a break, she decided to call home collect. My six-year-old brother picked up the phone and heard a stranger's voice say, "We have a Betty on the line. Will you accept the charges?"

Frantic, he dropped the receiver and came charging outside screaming, "Dad! They've got Mom! And they want money!"


February 27, 2021 - What Don't You Have?

An elderly man went to the doctor for a visit. "Doc," he says," I am so stricken. I have chest pains, headaches, back pains, nausea, arthritis, constipation, stomach cramps, earaches, burning in the eyes, congested lungs..."

"Sir," says the doctor, "you complain you have so many things. What don't you have?"

The man answers, "Teeth."


February 24, 2021 - Bad Advertising?
My father is a skilled CPA who is not great at self-promotion. So when an advertising company offered to put my father's business placard in the shopping carts of a supermarket, my dad jumped at the chance. Fully a year went by before we got a call that could be traced to those placards.

"Richard Larson, CPA?" the caller asked.

"That's right," my father answered. "May I help you?"

"Yes," the voice said. "One of your shopping carts is in my yard, and I want you to come and get it."


February 23, 2021 - Lobster "Pets"
After a day fishing in the ocean a fisherman is walking from the pier carrying two lobsters in a bucket. He is approached by the Game Warden who asks him for his fishing license.

The fisherman says to the warden, "I did not catch these lobsters, they are my pets. Everyday I come done to the water and whistle and these lobster jump out and I take them for a walk only to return them at the end of the day."

The warden, not believing him, reminds him that it is illegal to fish without a license. The fisherman turns to the warden and says, "If you don't believe me then watch," as he throws the lobsters back into the water.

The warden says, "Now whistle to your lobsters and show me that they will come out of the water."

The fisherman turns to the warden and says, "What lobsters?"


February 22, 2021 - Soup "Solution"
Customer: Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!

Waiter: Don't worry, sir. The frog should surface any moment now.


February 21, 2021 - Roughing It
A friend and his wife were considering traveling to Alaska for a trip that the husband had long dreamed of taking. He kept talking about how great it would be to stay in a log cabin without electricity, to hunt moose, and drive a dog team instead of a car.

"If we decided to live there permanently, away from civilization, what would you miss the most?" he asked his wife.

She replied, "You."


February 20, 2021 - Thank You Cards
My first stop on my vacation was my sister's house in Montana. She's extremely organized. Before she leaves on a trip, she always types up address labels for her postcards.

This time, I figured I'd done her one better. I boasted, "You'll be impressed. I've already written thank-you notes to everyone with whom I'll be staying. They're all stamped and ready to go."

My sister was silent for a moment, and then she said, "You mean those little envelopes I saw in your room and mailed this morning?"


February 17, 2021 - Lost in a Bookstore
A friend and her young son, Reid, were browsing in a large bookstore. Engrossed in making a selection, my friend had lost sight of her child.

"Reid!" she called out, racing through the aisles. "Reid!"

Just as she spotted the boy, she bumped into another customer. "Pardon me, ma'am," he said, "but most folks come here because they already like to read. No sense in wasting your time trying to convince them."


February 16, 2021 - Delivery Suspicion
There was an unexpected knock on my door, and like I always do, I first opened the peephole and asked, "Who's there?"

"Parcel post, ma'am. I have a package that needs a signature."

"Where's the package?" I asked suspiciously. The delivery man held it up.

"Could I see some ID?" I said, still not convinced.

"Lady," he replied wearily, "if I wanted to break into your house, I'd probably just use these." And he pulled out the keys I had left in the door.


February 15, 2021 - New Boots
My first grade daughter and her friend both needed new boots as winter approached. The friend got in the car one morning and finally had gotten her boots. "Beth," I commented, "I see you got new boots. Where did you get them?"

"At the store," she answered.

"Which one?" I asked.

She began looking at her new boots and after a pause said, "Both of them."


February 14, 2021 - Lesson in Driving
My teenage niece was nervous as she took the wheel for her first driving lesson. As she was pulling out of the parking lot, the instructor said, "Turn left here, and don't forget to let the people behind you know what you're doing."

My niece turned to the students sitting in the back seat and announced, "I'm going left."


February 13, 2021 - Picture Favor
Dining out one evening, I noticed six teenagers boisterously celebrating some event at a nearby table. Toward the end of their meal, one of them got up and produced a camera.

"Hey, wait a minute," one of her companions said. "You have to be in the picture too."

When I approached and asked if I could help, the girl who owned the camera was delighted. I snapped a picture of the group and then, being unfamiliar with the camera, I asked her, "Do you want me to take another in case that one doesn't come out?"

"Oh, no, that's okay," she chirped innocently.  "I always get double prints."


February 10, 2021 - A Few Words
Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50."

The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100."

The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon and it takes eight people to collect all the money!"


February 9, 2021 - Ride To Church

A teenager who had just received her learner's permit offered to drive her parents to church. After a hair-raising ride, they finally reached their destination.

The mother got out of the car and said, "Thank you!"

"Anytime," her daughter replied.

As the woman slammed the door, she said, "I wasn't talking to you. I was talking to God."


February 8, 2021 - Message Puzzle
April was puzzled recently by the odd messages she kept getting on her voice mail. Day after day, all she'd hear, from friends, family, and customers alike, would be their message and then they'd ALL say, "BEEP."

We were talking about something else and I had her check her voice mail message to find something out. She discovered the solution to the BEEP riddle.

Her message said, "I'm not available right now, so, please leave a beep after the message."


February 7, 2021 - Farewell Luncheon
The staff at the office where my wife works was hosting a farewell luncheon for a retiring colleague.

As the group prepared to go to the restaurant, they found that they couldn't fit the giant balloon they had purchased for the guest of honor into the car. Undaunted, they simply held the balloon out the window as they drove.

My wife and her co-workers weren't prepared for the glares they received from passers-by. As the long line of traffic in front of their vehicle began to turn, they saw that their car was right behind a funeral procession.

There was nothing they could do but hold on to the balloon with its bright red farewell message: "Gone but not forgotten."


February 6, 2021 - Pillar Interruption

The Sunday School teacher described how Lot's wife looked back at Sodom and was turned into a pillar of salt.

Suddenly Jimmy interrupted. "My mom looked back once while she was driving," he announced triumphantly, "and she turned into a telephone pole!"


February 3, 2021 - Pie Manners
In a country home that seldom had guests, the young son was eager to help his mother after his father appeared with two dinner guests from the office.

When the dinner was nearly over, the boy went to the kitchen and proudly carried in the first piece of apple pie, giving it to his father, who passed it to a guest. The boy came in with a second piece of pie and again watched his father give it to a guest.

This was too much for the boy, who said, "It's no use, Dad. The pieces are all the same size."


February 2, 2021 - Arrangements
It was a difficult subject to bring before his aged mother, but John felt that he must: "Mom, you're no longer a spring chicken and you do need to think ahead of what'll happen in the future. Why don't we make arrangements about when...you know...when...you pass on?"

The mother didn't say anything, just sat there staring ahead.

"I mean, Mom, like...how do you want to finally go? Do you want to be buried? Cremated?"

There was yet another long pause. Then the mother looked up and said, "Son, why don't you surprise me?"


February 1, 2021 - Classmate Reunion
While waiting for my first appointment in the reception room of a new dentist, I noticed his certificate, which bore his full name.

Suddenly, I remembered that a tall, handsome boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 30 years ago.  Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought.  This balding, grey-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate.

After he had examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended the local high school.

"Yes," he replied.

When did you graduate?" I asked.

He answered, "In 1971.  Why?"

"You were in my class!" I exclaimed.

He looked at me closely and then asked, "What did you teach?"

January 2021

January 31, 2021 - Empty-nest Craft
I am a first-grade teacher and a new empty-nester. One night I was trying out an art project: making a person with simple materials. I took a coat hanger, attached a paper-plate face, put a shirt on the hanger, and stuffed it. Then I set it on the couch to see how it looked.

Later that evening, my son walked through the door, home for a surprise visit. Taking one look at my coat-hanger friend sitting on the couch, he said, "Mom, it's not that bad, is it?"


January 30, 2021 - Golf Hole
A young minister and Mr. Sims, an elderly parishioner, were playing golf. The minister's game was off and the old man was beating him quite badly.

At the end of the game, the Mr. Sims tried to console his minister by saying, "Don't worry, Reverend, one of these days you'll be burying me."

"Yes," sighed the minister, "but even then, it will be your hole!"


January 27, 2021 - Marrying Young
My sister went to the department store to check out the bridal registry of our niece whose wedding was coming up soon.  When my sister returned from the store, she tossed the gift list on a table and declared, "I think she's too young to get married."

"Why do you say that?" I asked.

"Because," she said, "they've registered for Nintendo games."


January 26, 2021 - Ball Markers
A Golfer walks into the pro shop at the local course and asks the golf pro if they sell ball markers.

The golf pro says, "Yes, they are just $1.00 each."

The guy gives the golf pro a dollar and says he'll take one.

The golf pro opens the register, puts the dollar in the tray and with a big smile hands the guy a quarter.


January 25, 2021 - Ever Driven a Honda?
A biker is riding a new motorcycle on the highway. While passing a car, he knocks on the window. The driver of the car opens the window, "Yes?"

"Ever driven a Honda motorcycle?"

"No I haven't"

The biker drives on, until he sees the next car. While passing it, he knocks on the window. The driver of the car opens the window: "Yes?"

"Ever driven a Honda motorcycle?"

"No I haven't"

Then suddenly there is a curve, the biker sees it too late. He crashes off the road into a ditch. A car stops and a man runs to the unlucky biker. Covered in blood, the biker asks, "Ever driven a Honda motorcycle?"

"Yes I have. I had a Honda for 20 years."

The biker says, "Tell me, where are the brakes?!"


January 24, 2021 - Control and Escape
The computer company my wife works for distributed a corporate clothing catalog that included a pair of cuff links. One was inscribed Ctrl (control) and the other Esc (escape), just as they look on a computer keyboard.

"They would make a good present for any man," my wife commented to a colleague, "if only to remind him of the two things he can never have."


January 23, 2021 - Dr. Dress Up
During my surgical residency I was called out of a sound sleep to the emergency room. Unshaven and with tousled hair, I showed up with an equally unrepresentable medical student. In the ER we encountered the on-call medical resident and his student, both neatly attired in clean white lab coats.

The resident said to his student, "You can always tell the surgeons by their absolute disregard for appearance."

Two evenings later, I was at a banquet when called to the ER to suture a minor laceration.

I was stitching away -- wearing a tuxedo -- when I encountered that same medical resident. He looked at me, then said to his student, "Sure is sensitive to criticism, isn't he?"


January 20, 2021 - Computer Help Desk Funnies #2

Customer: "Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says, 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says it can't find it."
______

Customer: "I have problems printing in red."
Help desk: "Do you have a color printer?"
Customer: "Aaaah... Thank you."
______

Customer: "My keyboard is not working anymore."
Help desk: "Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?"
Customer: "No. I can't get behind the computer."
Help desk: "Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back."
Customer: "Okay."
Help desk: "Did the keyboard come with you?"
Customer: "Yes."
Help desk: "That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?"
Customer: "Yes, there's another one here. Ahh, that one works!"
______

Help desk: "Your password is the small letter 'a' as in apple, a capital letter 'V' as in Victor, and the number '7'."
Customer: "Is that '7' in capital letters?"

______

Help desk: "What anti-virus program do you use?"
Customer: "Netscape."
Help desk: "That's not an anti-virus program."
Customer: "Oh, sorry... Internet Explorer."
______

Customer: "I have a huge problem. A friend has put a screensaver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears!"


January 19, 2021 - Computer Help Desk Funnies #1
A customer couldn't get on the Internet:
Help desk: "Are you sure you used the right password?"
Customer: "Yes I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it."
Help desk: "Can you tell me what the password was?"
Customer: "Five stars."
______

Help desk: "What kind of computer do you have?"
Customer: "A white one."
______

Customer: "Hi, this is Rose. I can't get my diskette out."
Help desk: "Have you tried pushing the button?"
Customer: "Yes, sure, it's really stuck."
Help desk: "That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note."
Customer: "No...wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... Sorry..."
______

Help desk: "Click on the 'My Computer' icon on to the left of the screen."
Customer: "Your left or my left?"
______

Help desk: "Good day. How may I help you?"
Male customer: "Hello, I can't print."
Help desk: "Would you click on start for me and..."
Customer: "Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates, you know!"

 
January 18, 2021 - Heavenly Perspective
Because our former small-town parish was not a wealthy one, our pastor was dependent on parishioners for upkeep and maintenance of the church. Once he asked my husband, Sam, to rewire the confessionals.

The only way to reach the wiring was to enter the attic above the altar and crawl over the ceiling by balancing on the rafters. Concerned for my husband's safety, I waited in a pew. Unbeknownst to me, some parishioners were congregating in the vestibule. They paid little attention to me, probably assuming I was praying.

Worried about my husband, I looked up toward the ceiling and yelled, "Sam, Sam! Are you up there? Did you make it okay?"

There was quite an outburst from the vestibule when Sam's hearty voice echoed down, "Yes, I made it up here just fine!"


January 17, 2021 - Senior Perspective
A group of senior citizens were sitting around talking about their ailments: "My arms are so weak I can hardly hold this cup of coffee," said one.

"Yes, I know. My cataracts are so bad I can't even see my coffee," replied another.

"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a third, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.

"My blood pressure pills make me dizzy," another went on.

"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as he shook his head.

Then there was a short moment of silence...

"Well, it's not that bad," said one woman cheerfully. "At least we can still drive!"


January 16, 2021 - Pet Training
A rolled up newspaper can be an effective pet training tool when used properly.

For instance, use the rolled-up newspaper if your dog chews up something inappropriate or has a housebreaking accident. Bring the dog over to the destroyed object (or mess), then take the rolled-up newspaper and hit yourself over the head as you repeat the phrase, "I forgot to watch my dog! I forgot to watch my dog!"


January 13, 2021 - Things Not To Say or Do at a Job Interview
See photo of interviewer's family on desk, point, start laughing uncontrollably.

Ask if there is only one emergency exit, grin and say; 'Boy!, I bet this floor would be in trouble if someone barricaded that.'

Inquire on office policy of friends staying over.

Claim you wouldn't even need a 'sit-in' job if Al Einstein hadn't stolen your secret patent for '2000 Flushes'

Over-emphasize your ability to use a copier.

Ask if it's O.K. that you sit on the floor.

Although parking was free, insist that they validate something or you're not leaving.

Mention your resume would have been stronger, but you didn't feel like making anything else up.

Walk into interviewer's office with a tape measure, measure office from a few angles, put away, declare; "NOW we can begin."

Upon walking into the office for first time, ask receptionist to hold all your calls.


January 12, 2021 - Chemlite Arrival
Nights in England are coal black, making parachute jumps very difficult.  We attach small lights called chemlites to make our jumpsuits visible to the rest of the team.

Late one night, lost after a practice jump, we knocked at the door of a small cottage.  When a woman answered, she was greeted by the sight of five men festooned in glowing chemlites.

"Excuse me," I said, "Can you tell us where we are?"

In a thick English accent, the woman paused before answering and then replied, "Earth."


January 11, 2021 - Good Doctors
A fellow was asked if there were any good doctors is his home town. "Good doctors!" he exclaimed. "We have the best doctors in the world. Dr. James Jones is one good doctor; he's great; he saved my life."

"You don't say!  How was that?"

"I was very sick and called Dr. Smith. He gave me some medicine and I got very, very ill. I then called Dr. Peters.  He gave me more medicine. I got worse - I thought I was going to die.

"Then I called Dr. Jones. He had no time to come. He saved my life."


January 10, 2021 - Dining In
My husband and I both work, so our family eats out a lot.

Recently, when we were having a rare home-cooked meal, I handed a glass to my three year old and asked her to please drink her milk.

She looked at me bewildered, "But I didn't order milk."


January 9, 2021 - Home Donations
A tired homemaker opened the front door of her home to find a young minister from the neighborhood who said, "I'm collecting donations for the new children's home we're building.  I hope you'll give what you can."

"To be sure," said the beleaguered woman, "I'll give you two boys, two girls, or one of each."


January 6, 2021 - How To Photograph A New Puppy
1. Remove film from box and load camera.
2. Remove film box from puppy's mouth and throw in trash.
3. Remove puppy from trash and brush coffee grounds from muzzle.
4. Choose a suitable background for photo.
5. Mount camera on tripod and focus.
6. Find puppy and take dirty sock from mouth.
7. Place puppy in pre-focused spot and return to camera.
8. Forget about spot and crawl after puppy on knees.
9. Focus with one hand and fend off puppy with other hand.
10. Get tissue and clean nose print from lens.
11. Put cat outside and put peroxide on the scratch on puppy's nose.
13. Put magazines back on coffee table.
14. Try to get puppy's attention by squeaking toy over your head.
15. Replace your glasses and check camera for damage.
16. Jump up in time to grab puppy by scruff of neck and say, "No, outside! No, outside!"
17. Clean up mess.
18. Sit back in chair with lemonade and resolve to teach puppy "sit" and "stay" the first thing in the morning.


January 5, 2021 - Great Truths About the Stages of Life
1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.


January 4, 2021 - Great Truths About Growing Old
1) Growing up is optional; growing old is mandatory.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer!,  but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.


January 3, 2021 - Great Truths that Adults have Learned
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.


January 2, 2021 - Great Truths that Children have Learned
1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.