December 31, 2024 - Friendly Fish Competition
A fisherman returned to shore with a giant Marlin that was larger & heavier than he was.
On the way to the cleaning shed he ran into a buddy who had maybe a dozen or so Rockfish.
The buddy eyed the Marlin & said, "Only caught the one, huh ?"
December 30, 2024 - Vegetable Soup
Checking the menu, a restaurant customer ordered a bowl of vegetable soup. After a couple of spoonfuls, he saw a circle of wetness right under the bowl on the tablecloth.
He called the waitress over and said, "The tablecloth is all wet. The bowl must be cracked."
The waitress said, "You ordered vegetable soup, didn't you?"
"Yes."
"Maybe it has a leek in it!"
December 27, 2024 - Realistic Fishing Proverb
Give a man a fish and he will eat all day.
Teach a man to fish and he will go out and buy expensive fishing equipment, stupid-looking clothes, a sports utility vehicle, travel 1000 miles to the "hottest" fishing spot and stand waist-deep in cold water so he can try to outsmart a fish.
Average cost per fish: $395.68
December 26, 2024 - Campaign Funding
Can you believe a candidate dropped out of the race because of a lack of campaign funds?
Anyone who stops spending just because he's out of money doesn't belong in Washington anyway!
December 25, 2024 - Piracy Payback
An unfailingly polite lady called to ask for help with a Windows installation that had gone terribly wrong.
Customer: "I brought my Windows disks from work to install them on my home computer."
Training stresses that we are "not the Software Police," so I let the little act of piracy slide.
Tech Support: "Umm-hmm. What happened?"
Customer: "As I put each disk in it turns out they weren't initialized."
Tech Support: "Do you remember the message exactly, ma'am?"
Customer: (proudly) "I wrote it down. 'This is not a Macintosh disk. Would you like to initialize it?'"
Tech Support: "Er, what happened next?"
Customer: "After they were initialized, all the disks appeared to be blank. And now I brought them back to work, and I can't read them in the A: drive; the PC wants to format them. And this is our only set of Windows disks for the whole office. Did I do something wrong?"
December 24, 2024 - Attractive Girl
A young woman, extraordinarily attractive in personality, character and presentation, was suffering from a illness that made her lips cracked and sore. The slightest movement of her mouth caused pain and embarrassment. Her condition, though not cured, was somewhat relieved by the application of a prescription medication from her physician.
The instructions on the prescription were to apply the medication once a day, but the young woman found that more frequent applications were palatable and effective. After exhausting her supply, she returned to the doctor's office for another one. The receptionist announced to the returning patient to the doctor:
"It's the super gal with the fragile lips expecting extra doses."
December 23, 2024 - First Case TriedAn investment counselor decided to go out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realized that she needed an in-house counsel. She began to interview young lawyers.
"As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question." She leaned forward. "Mr. Peterson, are you an honest lawyer?"
"Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I'm so honest that my father lent me $15,000 for my education, and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case."
"Impressive. And what sort of case was that?"
The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, "He sued me for the money."
December 20, 2024 - Slanderous Statements
A woman was being questioned in a court trial involving slander.
"Please repeat the slanderous statements you heard, exactly as you heard them," instructed the lawyer.
The witness hesitated.
"But they are unfit for any respectable person to hear," she protested.
"Then," said the attorney, "just whisper them to the judge."
December 19, 2024 - New Neighbor
My quiet Saturday morning ended abruptly when my 12-year-old son, Billy, and one of his friends burst through the door.
"Hey Dad, announced Billy, "have you met the new neighbors?"
"No."
"Come on Dad, you have to meet them."
"Some other time; I'm busy."
"Dad, you have to meet them now."
From the urgency in Billy's voice, I assumed the neighbors were waiting outside. I set aside my project and went to the front of the house. No one was there.
"Where are they?" I asked.
"Well, Dad," he explained, "we haven't met them yet either, but our baseball is in their living room!"
December 18, 2024 - Coffee Spill
The chef of the upscale restaurant I manage collided with a waiter one day and spilled coffee all over our computer. The liquid poured into the processing unit and resulted in some dramatic crackling and popping sounds.
After sopping up the mess, we gathered around the terminal as the computer was turned back on again.
"Please let it work," pleaded the guilt-ridden waiter.
A waitress replied, "Should be faster than ever. That was a double espresso."
December 17, 2024 - Firehouse Training Session
At a training session in the fire station, the team was assembled around the kitchen table.
The training officer was discussing the behavior of fire: "You pull up to a house and notice puffs of smoke coming from the eaves, blackened out windows and little or no visible flame. What does this tell you?" he asked.
Expecting to hear that the house is in a possible back draft situation, a condition very dangerous to fire fighters, he instead heard from one quick wit,
"You got the right place."
December 16, 2024 - Doctor's Bill
A friend went to see Doctor Wilson the other day, and the he was not very sympathetic with her aches and pains.
"You'll just have to learn to live it," he said.
When she got her bill for $90, she sent it back, with the notation, "You'll just have to learn to live without it!"
December 13, 2024 - Adolescent Changes
Seeing my 11-year-old son perusing a website filled with photos of Britney Spears, I commented, "She certainly is pretty. Which picture do you like best?"
"I don't know," he mumbled, embarrassed by his newfound interest in girls. "I'm just reading about her."
I came closer and peered at the screen. "Oh, really?" I said. "So when did you learn to read Spanish?
December 12, 2024 - Rules for Laboratory Workers
1. When you don't know what you're doing, do it neatly.
2. First draw your curves, then plot the data.
3. Experience is directly proportional to the equipment ruined.
4. Experiments must be reproducible. They should all fail the same way.
5. A record of data is essential. It indicates you have been working.
6. In case of doubt, make it sound convincing.
7. Do not believe in miracles. Rely on them.
8. Teamwork is essential in the lab. It allows you to blame someone else.
9. Always leave room to add an explanation when it doesn't work.
December 11, 2024 - Looking Back at Romance
"I never would have married you if I knew how stupid you were!" shouted the woman to her husband!
The husband replied, "You should've known how stupid I was the minute I asked you to marry me!"
December 10, 2024 - The Worm CatcherRobbie Robin was a worm-catcher extraordinaire. He arose earlier than all the other birds and took great pride in his worm-acquiring abilities.
Often he'd encounter worms who were trying desperately to verbally -- uh -- worm their way out of their impending doom. "Last of my family" and "the-wife-and-kids" excuses abounded.
No dice. They simply became Robbie's breakfast. Some would try to physically resist Robbie, but his tough beak won every time. He remained the King of Worm Catchers.
That is, until just recently. Robbie sneaked up on a worm early one morning and just as he prepared to pounce, the little worm turned around and solidly punched him right in the beak!
Robbie blinked hard and rubbed his sore nose.
The worm then began to verbally abuse Robbie, cussing him up one side and down the other with a vocabulary that would make most sailors blush. He escalated his attack, insulting Robbie's ancestors all the way back beyond the Ark to the first pair of robins ever created in The Beginning.
Robbie was so stunned by this display of wormy chutzpah that he just shook his head, and staggered away in shock, this being the first morning he had ever failed to get his worm.
The worm watched Robbie's retreat and muttered to himself with obvious satisfaction, "The surly worm gets the bird!"
December 9, 2024 - Three Mothers
Three mothers are sitting on a park bench talking about (what else?) how much their sons love them.
Sadie says "You know the Chagall painting hanging in my living room? My son, Arnold, bought that for me for my 75th birthday. What a good boy he is and how much he loves his mother."
Minnie says,"You call that love? You know the Eldorado Cadillac I got for Mother's Day? That's from my son Bernie. What a doll."
Shirley says "That's nothing. You know my son Stanley? He's in analysis with a psychoanalyst on Park Ave. Five session a week. And what does he talk about? Me."
December 6, 2024 - Brazilian Jungle
Two intrepid explorers met in the heart of the Brazilian jungle.
"I'm here," declared one, "to commune with nature in the raw, to contemplate the eternal verities and to widen my horizons. And you, sir?"
"I," sighed the second explorer, "came because my young daughter has begun violin lessons."
December 5, 2024 - Laws of Household Physics
Ever notice that the laws of household physics are every bit as real as all other laws of the universe? Here are a few examples:
1. A child's eagerness to assist in any project varies in inverse proportion to his ability to actually do the work involved.
2. Leftovers always expand to fill all available containers plus one.
3. A newly washed window gathers dirt at double the speed of an unwashed window.
4. The availability of a ballpoint pen is inversely proportional to how badly it is needed.
5. The same clutter that will fill a one-car garage will fill a two-car garage.
6. Three children plus two cookies equals a fight.
7. The potential for disaster is in direct proportion to the number of TV remote controls divided by the number of viewers.
8. The number of doors left open varies inversely with the outdoor temperature.
9. The capacity of any hot-water heater is equal to one and one-half sibling showers.
10. What goes up must come down, except bubble gum and slightly used Rice Krispies.
December 4, 2024 - Cell Phone Flight Call
En route to Hawaii, I noticed one of my passengers in the coach section of the airplane dialing her cell phone.
"Excuse me. That can't be on during the flight," I reminded her. "Besides, we're over the ocean-you won't get a signal out here."
"That's okay," she said. "I'm just calling my daughter. She's sitting up in first class."
December 3, 2024 - Climbing the Walls
With some misgivings, we left a young baby-sitter in charge of our three energetic youngsters.
When we returned a few hours later, she was sitting alone watching TV. I went to check on the children, and found them in our narrow hallway. By bracing their arms and legs against the walls, two of them had climbed up to the ceiling.
"The baby-sitter taught us how," they said gleefully.
The sitter joined me, her face a deep red. "Since they had me climbing the walls, I figured they might as well be too," she stammered.
We kept the same girl for the next two years.
December 2, 2024 - Liturgical Response
In our Anglican church, each service begins with a greeting. The officiating clergyman says, "The Lord be with you." The congregation used to respond by saying, "And with thy spirit."
But, with the modernizing of the liturgy, the minister now says, "The Lord be with you," and everyone responds with, "And also with you."
One Sunday a visiting bishop went to a church where the sound system was known to be old and unreliable. As he approached the microphone, he tapped it several times and finally said, "There's something wrong with this!"
Without hesitation, the whole congregation answered faithfully, "And also with you."
December 2024
November 2024
November 29, 2024 - Why some shouldn't own computers!Customer: "I have Microword Soft."
Customer: "Microwave Windows?"
Customer: "Will this upgrade include Microwave 97?"
Customer: (Referring to Microsoft Defrag.) "I ran Microwave Defrost, but it didn't help."
Customer: "I have Microsoft Exploder."
Customer: "I have Microscope Exploiter."
Customer: "I have Netscape Complicator."
Customer: "I have Netscape Regulator."
Customer: "Uhh...I have Newscape and Outlook Exposure."
Customer: "I use Outlook Explorer."
Customer: "I have a US Robotics Sportscaster modem."
Customer: "It's not my computer that is slow. I have a 200 horse power harddrive."
November 28, 2024 - Gas GradeWhen the automatic gas pumps ask me to select a grade I usually give a B for quality and an F for pricing.
November 27, 2024 - Airport Security
Working as a secretary at an international airport, my sister had an office adjacent to the room where security temporarily holds suspects. One day security officers were questioning a man when they were suddenly called away on another emergency. To the horror of my sister and her colleagues, the man was left alone in the unlocked room.
After a few minutes, the door opened and he began to walk out. Summoning up her courage, one of the secretaries barked, "Get back in there, and don't you come out until you're told!"
The man scuttled back inside and slammed the door. When the security people returned, the women reported what had happened. Without a word, an officer walked into the room and released one very frightened telephone repairman.
November 26, 2024 - Rough BoysA little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys?"
Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough."
The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, "If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?"
November 25, 2024 - Cheap Suit
The fellow was being sold a very cheap suit.
"But the left arm is a lot longer than the right arm," he complained.
"That's why the suit is such a bargain," the sales clerk explained. "Just cock your left shoulder up a little, like this, and tuck this left lapel under your chin a bit, like this."
"But the right leg is way too short," argued the customer.
"No problem," the sales clerk answered. "Just keep your right knee bent a little at all times, walk like this, and no one will notice. That's why this suit is only thirty dollars."
Finally, the fellow bought the suit, cocked his left shoulder into the air, tucked the suit's left lapel under his chin, bent his right knee, and limped out of the store toward his car.
Two doctors happened along and noticed him.
"Good grief," the first doctor said to the second, "look at that poor crippled fellow."
"Yeah," answered the second doctor. "But doesn't that suit fit great?"
November 22, 2024 - Professional Animal Trainer
As a professional animal trainer, I was disturbed when my own dog developed a bad habit. Every time I hung my wash out on the clothesline, she would yank it down.
Drastic action was called for.
I put a white kitchen towel on the line and waited. Each time she pulled it off, I scolded her. After two weeks the towel was untouched. Then I hung out a large wash and left to do some errands.
When I came home, my clean clothes were scattered all over the yard. On the line was the white kitchen towel.
November 21, 2024 - Rejecting Rejection
The next time your application for a job is rejected fill this letter out and send it back.
Dear [Interviewer's Name]:
Thank you for your letter of [Date of Interview]. After careful consideration I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me employment with your firm. This year I have had been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of candidates it is impossible for me to accept all refusals.
Despite [Firm's Name]'s outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet with my needs at this time. Therefore, I will initiate employment with your firm immediately following graduation. I look forward to seeing you then.
Best of luck in rejecting future candidates.
Sincerely,
[Your Name]
November 20, 2024 - Sheriff Vet
The sheriff of a small town was also the town's veterinarian.
One night the phone rang, and his wife answered. An agitated voice inquired, "Is your husband there?"
"Do you require his services as a sheriff or as a vet?" the wife asked.
"Both!" was the reply. "We can't get our dog's mouth open, and there's a burglar in it."
November 19, 2024 - Chickens at the Library
A pair of chickens walk into a public library, find the librarian and say, 'Buk Buk BUK.' The librarian decides that the chickens want three books, and promptly gives them some. Without further ado, the chickens walk out.
Around midday, the two chickens are back and looking quite annoyed. One leans over to the librarian and says,' Buk Buk BuKKOOK!' The librarian decides that the chickens want another three books and promptly gives them some more. The chickens leave as before.
About an hour later the two birds march in, approach the librarian, looking very angry now and nearly shouting, 'Buk Buk Buk Buk Bukkooook!' The librarian is now starting to get worried about where all her stock is going. She decides to give them more books but also to follow them and find out what's happening.
She followed them out of the library, out of town, and into to a park. At this point, she hid behind a tree, not wanting to be seen.
She saw the two chickens throwing the books at a frog in a pond, to which the frog was kept repeating, "Rrredit Rrredit Rrredit..."
November 18, 2024 - In-Law Letter
When the man came home, his wife was crying.
"Your mother insulted me," she sobbed.
"My mother? How could she do that? She's on vacation on the other side of the world!" the man said.
"I know. But this morning a letter addressed to you arrived. I opened it because I was curious."
"And?"
"At the end of the letter she wrote:
PS. Dear Diane, when you have finished reading this letter, don't forget to give it to my son."
November 15, 2024 - Shades of Tanning"
Before going on vacation, I went to a tanning salon. I was under the lights so long that the protective shades I wore left a big white circle around each eye.
Gazing at myself in the mirror the next day, I thought, "Man, I look like a clown."
I had almost convinced myself that I was over-reacting until I got in line at the grocery store. I felt a tug at my shirt and looked down to see a toddler staring up at me.
He asked, "Are you giving out balloons?"
November 14, 2024 - Bible
A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the
old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it.
What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.
'Mama, look what I found,' the boy called out.
'What have you got there, dear?'
With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, 'I think it's Adam's underwear!'
November 13, 2024 - Thesaurus Collision
Two trucks loaded with a thousand copies of Roget's Thesaurus collided as they left a New York publishing house last Thursday, according to the Associated Press.
Witnesses were stunned, startled, aghast, taken aback, stupefied.…
November 12, 2024 - In a Perfect World
A person would feel as good at 50 as he did at 17 and he would actually be as smart at 50 as he thought he was at 17.
You could give away a baby bed without getting pregnant.
Forget-me-nots would stimulate the memory.
Doing what was good for you would be what you enjoyed doing the most.
Pro baseball players would complain about teachers being paid contracts worth millions of dollars.
People would always see good reasons to be optimistic.
You would never fumble, but if you did, you would recover the ball yourself.
The mail would always be early, the check would always be in the mail, and it would be written for more than you expected.
Potato chips might have calories, but if you ate them with a dip, the calories would be neutralized.
If the guy from the government said to you, "I'm here to help," not only would he mean it, but also he'd do it.
First impressions wouldn't count for nearly as much as ultimate performance. Winning might be a nice thing, but that would be about all.
All people could expect to be accepted.
Every once in a while at least, a kid who always closed the door softly would be told, "Go back and slam the door."
Highway patrolmen would never be around when you're running late, but would always be at your side when a BMW blows past or a Mac truck won't get off your bumper.
The better food tasted, the less calories it would have.
Warranties would be for 13 months and products would fail at 12.
More would be accomplished by governments when they spent more.
November 11, 2024 - Barbers Don't Exist
A man went to a barbershop to have his hair cut and his beard trimmed. As the barber began to work, they began to have a good conversation. They talked about so many things and various subjects.
When they eventually touched on the subject of God, the barber said: 'I don't believe that God exists.'
'Why do you say that?' asked the customer.
'Well, you just have to go out in the street to realize that God doesn't exist. Tell me, if God exists, would there be so many sick people? Would there be abandoned children? If God existed, there would be neither suffering nor pain. I can't imagine a loving God who would allow all of these things.'
The customer thought for a moment, but didn't respond because he didn't want to start an argument. The barber finished his job and the customer left the shop.
Just after he left the barbershop, he saw a man in the street with long, stringy, dirty hair and an untrimmed beard. He looked dirty and unkempt. The customer turned back to enter the barbershop again and said to the barber: 'You know what? Barbers do not exist.'
'How can you say that?' asked the surprised barber. 'I am here, and I am a barber. And I just worked on you!'
'No!' the customer exclaimed. 'Barbers don't exist because if they did, there would be no people with dirty long hair and untrimmed beards, like that man outside.'
'Ah, but barbers DO exist! That's what happens when people do not come to me.'
'Exactly!' affirmed the customer. 'That's the point! God, too, DOES exist! That's what happens when people do not go to Him and don't look to Him for help. That's why there's so much pain and suffering in the world.'
November 8, 2024 - Shocking
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, 'Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!'
November 7, 2024 - Elderly
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never believe this!'
November 6, 2024 - Dress-up
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, 'Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit.'
'And why not, darling?'
'You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.'
November 5, 2024 - Death
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.
The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: 'Glory be unto the Father, and unto the Son, and into the hole he goes.'(I want this line used at my funeral!)
November 4, 2024 - School
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. 'I'm just wasting my time,' she said to her mother. 'I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk!
November 1, 2024 - Hospital Complaints
Grandma Jones from the valley had never experienced a sick day in her life, so she didn't take it kindly when a bad case of the mulligrubs sent her to the hospital for observation.
By the time a pair of husky interns got Grandma tucked into bed, she had managed to complain about everything: the temperature, the lights, the skimpy gown, the food and the mattress, especially, the mattress.
Suddenly, Grandma spotted a small plastic item with a button, attached to a cord. "What's that?" she demanded.
"If you need anything in the middle of the night, Grandma," said one of the interns, "just press that button."
"What does it do, ring a bell?" she asked.
"No, it turns on a light in the hall for the nurse on duty," the intern replied.
"A light in the hall?" responded Grandma. "Look, I'm the sick one around here. If the night nurse needs a light on in the hall, she can get up and switch it on herself."