October 2024

October 31, 2024 - In Both Ears
"It's no good, sir," said the hopeless pupil to his English teacher. "I try to learn, but everything you say goes in both ears and out the other."

"Goes in both ears and out the other?" asked the puzzled teacher. "But you only have two ears, boy."

"Guess I'm no good at math, either!"


October 30, 2024 - Finding the Tea
My poor wife was sick in bed with the flu. Being a dutiful husband, I offered to fix her some of her favorite herbal tea. I couldn't find the tea though and went back upstairs to ask where it was.

She said, "I don't know how it could be any easier to see. It's in the pantry, third shelf down, in a cocoa tin marked 'matches'.


October 29, 2024 - Food, Family and Philosophy
Gary is about to go on his first date, and is nervous about what to talk about. He asks his father for advice. The father explains, "My son, there are three subjects that always work. These are food, family, and philosophy."

The boy picks up his date and they go off to a soda fountain. Ice cream sodas in front of them, they stare at each other for a long time, as the boy's nervousness builds. Suddenly, he remembers his father's advice, and chooses the first topic.

He asks the girl, "Do you like spinach?"

She says "No," and the silence returns.

After a few more uncomfortable moments, the boy thinks of his father's suggestion and turns to the second item on the list. He asks, "Do you have a brother?"

Again, the girl says "No," and there is silence once again.

The boy then plays his last card. He thinks of his father's advice and asks the girl, "If you had a brother, would he like spinach?"


October 28, 2024 - Praying for a Brother
A small boy badly wanted a baby brother, so his dad suggested he pray every night for one. The boy prayed earnestly, night after night, but his prayers seemingly weren't answered. After a few weeks, he didn't bother to ask anymore.

Some months later, his dad said they were going to see Mom in the hospital and he was going to get a big surprise. When they got to the room, the little boy saw his mother holding two babies.

"Well, what do you think about having twin brothers?" his dad asked.

The little boy thought for a moment and replied, "It's a good thing I stopped praying when I did."


October 25, 2024 - Hawaii Pronunciation
Morris and his wife Sherry were planning a vacation. They ended up in an argument.

"It's pronounced 'Hawaii', I'm telling you!" Sherry said.

"I never KNEW someone so stubborn! 'Havaii' is how it's pronounced!" he replied.

And so it went, all the way to the vacation. As they got off the airplane, they passed by a man. Morris abruptly stopped his wife and turned to the man to ask, "Now that we're on the island, you can settle an argument between my wife and me. Is this 'Hawaii' or 'Havaii?'"

"This is Havaii," the man replied.

"Ha!" the husband gloated to his wife. "See, didn't I tell you never to argue with me?"

As they began to walk away, Morris turned back and gave the man a hearty "Thank you!"

"You're velcome!" he called back.


October 24, 2024 - You Look Tired
A coworker told me that I looked tired.

"I am," I said. "I just finished 50 push-ups."

"Oh really? When did you start doing push-ups?"

"Well, I did the first one in 1986."


October 23, 2024 - Apple a Day
While visiting a friend who was in the hospital, I noticed several pretty nurses, each of whom was wearing a pin designed to look like an apple.

I asked one nurse what the pin signified.

"Nothing," she said with a smile. "It's just to keep the doctors away."


October 22, 2024 - Noises Under the Floor
My bathroom is in the back of the house and it's hard to hear when anyone is on the property.

One morning while getting ready for work, and thinking I was the only one at home, I kept hearing something crawl around under my bathroom floor. Thinking that somehow the neighbor's cat had gotten under the house, I began stomping the floor hard and shouting at the top of my lungs, "Get out of there" and "Stop that!"

Finally, the moving stopped so I finished what I was doing and left for work.

When I returned home that evening, I found a note that the exterminators had been there for their annual inspection. I turned to my husband and said, "Honey, do the exterminators crawl around under the house?"

He said, "Sure, why?"

That's when I burst out laughing. It took me several minutes to tell my husband what I had done. He cracked up at the thought of me standing in the bathroom stomping and shouting, and he said, "It's a good thing he didn't answer you back or you would have keeled over dead!"


October 21, 2024 - Giuseppe Spomdalucci
To impress his date, the young man took her to a very chick Italian restaurant.

After sipping some fine wine, he picked up the menu and ordered. "We'll have the Giuseppe Spomdalucci," he said.

"Sorry, sir," said the waiter. "That's the owner."


October 18, 2024 - Opinions
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, 'The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents ..'


October 17, 2024 - Ketchup
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar.. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone.. 'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now She's hitting the bottle.


October 16, 2024 - Nudity
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, 'What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?'


October 15, 2024 - Police # 1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, 'Are you a cop? Yes,' I answered and continued writing the report. My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?' 'Yes, that's right,' I told her. 'Well, then,' she said as she extended her foot toward me, 'would you please tie my shoe?'


October 14, 2024 - Police #2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. 'Is that a dog you got back there?' he asked.
'It sure is,' I replied.
Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, 'What'd he do?


October 11, 2024 - Fair Pay
An indigent client who had been injured in an accident went looking for a lawyer to represent him without cost. One lawyer told him that he would take the case on contingency.

When the client asked what "contingency" was, the lawyer replied, "If I don't win your lawsuit, I don't get anything. If I do win your lawsuit, you don't get anything.


October 10, 2024 - Narrow Escape Responses
There was an engineer, manager, and a programmer driving down a steep mountain road. The brakes failed and the car careened down the road out of control. Half way down the driver managed to stop the car by running it against the embankment narrowly avoiding careening off the cliff. They all got out, shaken by their narrow escape from death, but otherwise unharmed.

The manager said, "To fix this problem we need to organize a committee, have meetings, and through the process of exchanging ideas, develop a solution."

The engineer said, "No that would take too long, besides that method never worked before. I have my trusty pen knife here and will take apart the brake system, isolate the problem and correct it."

The programmer said, "I think your both wrong! I think we should all push the car back up the hill and see if it happens again."


October 9, 2024 - Dad's on Computers
A guy was typing away at his home computer, when his six- year-old daughter sneaked up behind him.

Suddenly, she turned and ran into the kitchen, squealing to the rest of the family, "I know Daddy's password! I know Daddy's password!"

"What is it?" her sisters asked eagerly.

Proudly she replied, "Asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, asterisk!"


October 8, 2024 - Teapot Computer
The secretary in our mental-health clinic chose a new screensaver -- a picture of a dancing teapot playing the children's song "I'm a Little Teapot."

Seeing this, our child psychiatrist posted a message on the secretary's desk: "Your computer is suffering from an identity disorder."


October 7, 2024 - Before and After Thankfulness
When I was younger, I remember receiving the inevitable homework assignment to write an essay on "something I am thankful for." Then I'd spend a lot of time sitting in my room trying to figure out just what in the world that could possibly be; and I'd end up writing down everything I could think of from God to environmental consciousness. But after having children, my priorities have clearly changed:

BEFORE CHILDREN: I was thankful to have been born the USA, the most powerful free democracy in the world.
AFTER CHILDREN: I am thankful for Velcro tennis shoes. As well as saving valuable time, now I can hear the sound of my son taking off his shoes -- which gives me three extra seconds to activate the safety locks on the back seat windows right before he hurls them out of the car and onto the freeway.

BEFORE CHILDREN: I was thankful for the recycling program which will preserve our natural resources and prevent the overloading of landfills.
AFTER CHILDREN: I am thankful for swim diapers because every time my son wanders into water in plain disposables, he ends up wearing a blimp the size of, say, New Jersey, on his bottom.

BEFORE CHILDREN: I was thankful for fresh, organic vegetables.
AFTER CHILDREN: I am thankful for microwaveable macaroni and cheese -- without which my children would be surviving on about three bites of cereal and their own spit.

BEFORE CHILDREN: I was thankful for the opportunity to obtain a college education and have a higher quality of life than my ancestors.
AFTER CHILDREN: I am thankful to finish a complete thought without being interrupted.

BEFORE CHILDREN: I was thankful for holistic medicine and natural herbs.
AFTER CHILDREN: I am thankful for pediatric cough syrup guaranteed to "cause drowsiness" in young children.

BEFORE CHILDREN: I was thankful for all of the teachers who had taught, encouraged and nurtured me throughout my formative years.
AFTER CHILDREN: I am thankful for all of the people at Weight Watcher who let me strip down to panty-hose and a strategically placed scarf before getting on the scale each week.

BEFORE CHILDREN: I was thankful for the opportunity to vacation in exotic foreign countries so I could experience a different way of life in a new culture.
AFTER CHILDREN: I am thankful to have time to make it all the way down the driveway to get the mail.

BEFORE CHILDREN: I was thankful for the Moosewood Vegetarian cookbook.
AFTER CHILDREN: I am thankful for the Butterball turkey hot line.

BEFORE CHILDREN: I was thankful for a warm, cozy home to share with my loved ones.
AFTER CHILDREN: I am thankful for the lock on the bathroom door.

BEFORE CHILDREN: I was thankful for material objects like custom furniture, a nice car and trendy clothes.
AFTER CHILDREN: I am thankful when the baby spits up and misses my good shoes.


October 4, 1013 - Small Town Check
I had just moved from an apartment to a house in the same small town. One day at the grocery store, I used the last of my personalized checks bearing my old address. The cashier examined the document and asked if everything on it was correct. I assured her that it was, and she started to put the check in the cash drawer. But then she inquired again if everything was accurate.

"Why do you ask?" I responded.

"Because," she replied, "my husband and I moved to this apartment yesterday, and I don't remember seeing you at breakfast."


October 3, 2024 - People you do not want to hear say 'OOPS!'
Your surgeon.
Your dentist.
Your nurse.
Your hairdresser.
Your mechanic.
Your gardener.
Your tax accountant.
The computer tech person.
The house painter.
The pilot.
The crew installing your roof, siding, sprinkler system . . .


October 2, 2024 - Soul Winning Efforts
A very zealous soul-winning young preacher recently came upon a farmer working in his field. Being concerned about the farmer's soul, the preacher asked the man, "Are you laboring in the vineyard of the Lord, my good man?"

Not even looking at the preacher and continuing his work, the farmer replied, "Naw, these are soybeans."

"You don't understand," said the preacher. "Are you a Christian?"

With the same amount of interest as his previous answer, the farmer said, "Nope my name is Jones. You must be lookin' for Jim Christian. He lives a mile south of here."

The young, determined preacher tried again, asking the farmer, "Are you lost?"

"Naw! I've lived here all my life," answered the farmer.

"Are you prepared for the resurrection?" the frustrated preacher asked.

This caught the farmer's attention and he asked, "When's it gonna be?"

Thinking he had accomplished something, the young preacher replied, "It could be today, tomorrow or the next day."

Taking a handkerchief from his back pocket and wiping his brow, the farmer remarked, "Well, don't mention it to my wife. She don't get out much, and she'll wanna go all three days."


October 1, 2024 - Did You See That?
Tom and Darryl were out hunting deer. Tom asked, "Did you see that?"

"No," Darryl replies.

"Well, a bald eagle just flew overhead."

"Oh," responded Darryl.

A couple of minutes later, Tom said, "Did you see that?"

"See what?"

"Are you blind? There was a big, black bear walking on that hill, over there."

"Oh."

A few minutes later Tom again said, "Did you see that?"

By now, Darryl is getting aggravated, so he says, "Yes, I did!"

And Tom says, "Then why did you step in it?

September 2024

 September 30, 2024 - First Passport
At 82 years old, my husband applied for his first passport.

He was told he'd need a birth certificate, but his birth had never been officially registered. When he explained his dilemma to the passport agent, the response was less than helpful.

"In lieu of a birth certificate," the agent said, "you can bring a notarized affidavit from the doctor who delivered you."


September 27, 2024 - Worker Ants
The teacher was giving her class of seven-year-olds a natural history lesson. "Worker ants," she told them, "can carry pieces of food five times their own weight. What do you conclude from that?"

One child was ready with the answer: "They don't have a union."


September 26, 2024 - From the Mouths of Children
"The only accidents are the ones you make in your pants."
- Ari K, age 7

"Everyone has feelings, except for snakes and principals."
- Donna Maria G, age 9

"Laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and the world laughs at you."
- Rob P, age 8

"If life gives you nothing but lemons, make up a better shopping list for it."
- Steven B, age 8

"Don't eat ladyfingers - even if you know the lady they came from."
- Susannah K., age 6

"When a movie is PG-13 that means how many minutes your mom will let you watch before turning it off."
- Jon G., age 12

"Moses came down with the Ten Amendments, which were God's Bill of Wrongs."
- Susie F., age 7

"Doctors automatically know what's wrong with you. They have a sick sense."
- Beau M., age 10

"My dog had worms. I think he was going fishing."
- Emma B., age 4


September 25, 2024 - Barbecuing: Manly Cooking
Barbecuing - It's the only type of cooking a "real" man will do.

When a man volunteers to do such cooking, the following chain of events is put into motion:

(1) The woman goes to the store.

(2) The woman fixes the salad, vegetables, and dessert.

(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils, and takes it to the man, who is lounging beside the grill, drinking a beer.

(4) The man places the meat on the grill.

(5) The woman goes inside to set the table and check the vegetables.

(6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning.

(7) The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.

(8) The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table.

(9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

(10) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off."

And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.


September 24, 2024 - Shower or Tub
New Englanders are known for their dry wit and logic.

Once in Martha's Vineyard a hotel clerk asked me if I wanted a room with a shower or a tub. I asked what the difference was.

He replied, "Well sir, in a tub, you can sit down."


September 23, 2024 - Not Knowing All the Words
While walking through the woods one day, I was surprised to hear a child's voice. I followed the sound, trying in vain to understand the child's words. When I spotted a boy perched on a rock, I realized why his words had made no sense: He was repeating the alphabet.

"Why are you saying your ABC's so many times?" I asked him.

The child replied, "I'm saying my prayers."

I couldn't help but laugh. "Prayers? All I hear is the alphabet."

Patiently the child explained, "Well, I don't know all the words, so I give God the letters. He knows what I'm trying to say."


September 20, 2024 - Play-Off Tickets
A man goes to the Chicago Bear ticket office and inquires about purchasing play-off tickets. The ticket teller replies that there weren't any tickets for sale because the Bears did not make it to the play-offs.

The following day the same man goes to the Chicago Bear ticket office and inquires about purchasing Bear play-off tickets. The ticket teller politely replies that there weren't any tickets for sale because the Bears did not make it to the play-offs.

This goes on for an entire week. The man goes to the Bear ticket office inquiring about play-off tickets and the teller says none are for sale because the Bears did not make it to the play-offs.

Another week of this goes by and the man still is asking the ticket teller about Bear play-off tickets. Finally the ticket teller in a loud voice says, "I'VE TOLD YOU FOR THE LAST 2 WEEKS THERE WERE NOT ANY TICKETS AVAILABLE BECAUSE THE BEARS DID NOT MAKE THE PLAY-OFFS."

The man replied, "I know. I drive all the way from Green Bay every day just to hear you say that!"


September 19, 2024 - Trying Something New
Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark, professionals built the Titanic.


September 18, 2024 - Doctor's Note
An elderly lady came to see a young male doctor with her husband. After the consultation was finished, the elderly man suddenly asked the doctor for a piece of paper and a pen. Although a strange request, he complied, and the man quickly wrote something, then handed the folded piece of paper to the doctor. He told him to read it as soon as they had left.

The doctor thought that the man perhaps had an embarrassing medical complaint he didn't want to talk about in front of his wife, so the doctor didn't hesitate in obeying the request. Once the couple had left the room, the doctor sat down and read the piece of paper. Its contents were thus:

"Your fly is undone."


September 17, 2024 - Chess Playing Dog
A man went to visit a friend and was amazed to find him playing chess with his dog. He watched the game in astonishment for a while.

"I can hardly believe my eyes!" he exclaimed. "That's the smartest dog I've ever seen."

"Nah, he's not so smart," the friend replied. "I've beaten him three games out of five."


September 16, 2024 - Razor Request
Ronnie goes down to the barber shop. He gets his hair cut and then he is getting a shave. After being nicked by the barber several times Ronnie says, "Hey buddy, have you got an extra razor?"

The barber replies "Well yes sir I do, would you prefer shaving yourself?"

Ronnie said, "Well not exactly but I thought I could defend myself."


September 13, 2024 - Second Grade Math
I was the substitute teacher for a second-grade math class that was learning about groups. In one exercise, pupils were asked to label a group of items according to their common characteristics.

Pictured were onion rings, doughnuts, a bundt cake, and ring cookies. The correct answer would have been that all the items have holes in the center.

But one health-conscious boy's response was, "All of those things contain too much cholesterol."


September 12, 2024 - Morning People
I was sound asleep when the telephone jarred me awake.

"Hi!" exclaimed my peppy mother-in-law. She proceeded to rattle on about the busy day she had ahead and all the things that awaited her the rest of the week.

"Mom," I interrupted. "It's five in the morning."

"Really? What are you doing up so early?"


September 11, 2024 - Curious Chimp
Passing by the primate area one day, a zoo attendant happens to notice a chimpanzee sitting on a rock with an open book in either hand, looking first at one and then at the other. Upon closer examination, he identifies the books: the Bible and Darwin's Origin of Species.

Curious, he asks the chimp, "What's with the books?"

The chimp replies, "I'm trying to decide whether I'm my brother's keeper or my keeper's brother."


September 10, 2024 - Forgiveness and Temptation
A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter.

Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses."

When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note: "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket I'll lose my job. 'Lead us not into temptation.'"


September 9, 2024 - Dinner Blessing
A wife invited some people to dinner.. At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, 'Would you like to say the blessing?'

'I wouldn't know what to say,' the girl replied. 'Just say what you hear Mommy say,' the wife answered.

The daughter bowed her head and said, 'Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?'


September 6, 2024 - Eye Glass Confessions
As the three ladies picked up a menu, each put on a pair of glasses.

"I really only need mine for close reading," explained the first.

Remarked the second, "I only use mine when the light is bad."

The third confessed, "I rarely wear mine - except when I want to see."


September 5, 2024 - A Prayer
One particular four-year-old prayed, 'And forgive us our trash baskets
as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets.'

September 4, 2024 - Sleeping in Church
A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they were on the way to church service, 'And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?'

One bright little girl replied, 'Because people are sleeping.'


September 3, 2024 - Pancakes
A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3 The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.

Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.. 'If Jesus were sitting here, He would say,

'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.' Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, 'Ryan , you be Jesus!'


September 2, 2024 - Died and Went to Heaven
A father was at the beach with his children when the four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore where a seagull lay dead in the sand..

'Daddy, what happened to him?' the son asked. 'He died and went to Heaven,' the Dad replied. The boy thought a moment and then said, 'Did God throw him back down?'