January 2026

 
January 31, 2026 - Meet the Parents
A young man looking to get married asked his friend. "Every woman I bring home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like."

"Oh, that's easy," his pal replied. "All you have to do is find someone who is just like your mother."

"I did that already," he said, "and that one my father didn't like."


January 30, 2026 - A Man for Every Woman
Diane was getting real discouraged over the lack of finding a steady man in her life.

In an attempt to lift her spirits, her friend Karen said, "There's a man for every woman and a woman for every man. You can't change that."

Diane replied, "I don't want to change it! I just wanna get in on it."


January 29, 2026 - The Ways of Love
My grandmother told me how she ended up marrying Grandpa.

She was in her 20s, and the man she was dating left for war.

"We were in love," she recalled, "and wrote to each other every week. It was during that time that I discovered how wonderful your grandfather was."

"Did you marry Grandpa when he came home from the war?" I asked.

"Oh, I didn't marry the man who wrote the letters. Your grandfather was the mailman."


January 28, 2026 - Season Ticket Swap
Sarah was reading a newspaper, while her husband was engrossed in a magazine. Suddenly, she burst out laughing.

"Listen to this," she said. "There's a classified ad here where a guy is offering to swap his wife for a season ticket to the stadium."

"Hmmm," her husband said, not looking up from his magazine.

Teasing him, Sarah said, "Would you swap me for a season ticket?"

"Absolutely not," he said.

"How sweet," Sarah said. "Tell me why not."

"Season's more than half over," he said.


January 27, 2026 - Train Good News
A large, two-engined train was making its way across America. While crossing the Western mountains, one of the engines broke down. "No problem, we can make it to Denver and get a replacement engine there," the engineer thought, and carried on at half power. Farther on down the line (if you didn't guess by now), the other engine broke down, and the train came to a standstill in the middle of nowhere.

The engineer needed to inform the passengers about why the train had stopped, and always trying to look on the bright side of things, made the following announcement: "Ladies and Gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news. The bad news is that both engines have failed, and we will be stuck here for some time until the additional engines arrive. The good news is that you didn't take this trip in a plane!"


January 24, 2026 - Five Kinds of Fruit
In the middle of the table is a round food tray with five kinds of fruits on it. They are:

a. Apple

b. Banana

c. Strawberry

d. Peach

e. Orange

Which fruit will you choose? Please think VERY carefully and don't rush into it. This is great, I was astounded! Your choice reveals a lot about you! Test results: Please SCROLL DOWN





If you have chosen:

a. Apple: That means you are a person who loves to eat apples.

b. Banana: That means you are a person who loves to eat bananas.

c. Strawberry: That means you are a person who loves to eat strawberries.

d. Peach: That means you are a person who loves to eat peaches.

e. Orange: That means you are a person who loves to eat oranges.

I hope you find fulfillment in this new insight about yourself. May it bring you peace and understanding, tranquility and all that other profound stuff.


January 23, 2026 - What Does Your Horn Say?
Do you remember when the whole lower half of a car's steering wheel used to constitute the car's horn? A car horn that was half the size of the steering wheel made it so much easier and fun to find and hit than locating today's microscopic, camouflaged little buttons. How are you ever supposed to find and use your horn in the nanosecond you have in case of a pending accident?


January 22, 2026 - Classroom Talk
As you know, kids say the darnedest things.

Yesterday, a sweet little nugget said, “Mrs. Hall, your eyes sparkle like glitter.” And I thought, well, this boy already knows his way to a women’s heart.

Today, as I was giving directions to the class about a quiz we were about to take and where to turn it in, I asked if there were any questions. A different little nugget raised his hand. Of course I asked him what his question was. Any ideas on his question………

“Mrs. Hall, did you know that your arm jiggled when you moved it like that?”

Obviously, this little boy will be alone forever.


January 21, 2026 - A Few More Golf Course Funnies
Staff: Golf course, may I help you?

Caller: Do you have a dress code?

Staff: Yes, we do. We require soft spikes.

Caller: How about clothes?

Staff: Yes, you have to wear clothes.

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Staff: Golf course, may I help you?

Caller: Yes, do you have a driving range there?

Staff: Yes.

Caller: How much for a bucket of large balls?

Staff: Sorry, we're all out of large balls. But we can give you twice as many small balls for the same price.

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Staff: Golf course, may I help you?

Caller: Can I get a tee time for tomorrow?

Staff: Sure, what time would you like?

Caller: Something between 9 o'clock and 10 o'clock. In the morning, if possible.

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Staff: Golf course, may I help you?

Caller: Do you rent golf clubs there?

Staff: Yes, they're 25 dollars.

Caller: How much to rent a bag?



January 20, 2026 - A Few More Golf Course Funnies
Staff: Golf course, may I help you?

Caller: Yes, my husband just called me on his cell phone and told me he's on the 15th hole, How many more holes does he have to play before he gets to the 18th?

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Staff: Golf course, may I help you?

Caller: Yes, do you have a driving range there?

Staff: Yes.

Caller: How much for a large bucket?

Staff: Four dollars.

Caller: Does that include the balls?

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Staff: Golf course, may I help you?

Caller: Do you have a twilight rate?

Staff: Yes, it's 15 dollars after 2 o'clock.

Caller: And what time does that start?

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Staff: Golf course, may I help you?

Caller: Yes, I'd like some info about your golf course.

Staff: OK, what would you like to know?

Caller: I don't know, that's why I called.

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Staff: Golf course, may I help you?

Caller: My kids just came home with pockets full of range balls and said they stole them from your driving range Would you like to buy them back?


January 17, 2026 - Omitted Stories
Reverend Smith, a respected church leader, arrived in a large city to deliver a series of speeches.

At a banquet the first evening, he noticed some reporters in the audience. Because he wanted to use some of the stories he told that night in his speeches the next day, he asked the reporters to omit them from their articles.

One article that came out the next day, written by a cub reporter, concluded with this line: "Reverend Smith also told a number of stories that cannot be printed."


January 16, 2026 - Wise Uncle Rusty
Uncle Rusty is a wise man. A while back he retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and quiet, puttering around his workshop.

That is of course until the school year began. On the first day of school three young boys, full of pent up energy from a full day of school, came down his street. As they walked down the street they beat rhythmically on every trash can they passed.

Day after day, it was the same thing. Beating, clanging and pounding out a rhythm on the cans as they walked down the street. Poor Uncle Rusty just couldn't take it any more.

The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young musicians. As they worked their way down the street, pounding out a tune on the cans, Rusty stopped them and said, "You kids sure are having a lot of fun. I like seeing young people like you, express themselves. In fact, I used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I'll give you each a dollar if you'll promise to come around every day and do your thing."

The kids were elated and continued to do a bang up job on the trash cans.

After two weeks, Uncle Rusty greeted the kids again, but this time he had a sad expression on his face. "This recession's really putting a big dent in my income, which I failed to factor in a fortnight ago when I met you" he told them. "From now on, I'll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans."

The boys were not pleased, but they did accept his offer and continued their afternoon concert. A month later, Sly Uncle Rusty approached them again as they drummed their way down the street. With words that would ensure he would have peace and quiet from that day forward he said, "Look, my Social Security check just isn't stretching as far with the expenses. So I'm not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents a day. Will that be okay ?"

"What? Just a crummy quarter ?" the boys exclaimed. "If you think we're going to waste our time, beating these cans around for a quarter, you're nuts. No way, mister. We quit!"


January 15, 2026 - And Still More Golf Course Funnies
Golf course, may I help you?
Staff: Golf course, may I help you?

Caller: What are your green fees?

Staff: 38 dollars.

Caller: Does that include golf?

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Staff: Golf course, may I help you?

Caller: Yes, I need to get some information from you. First, is this your correct phone number?

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Staff: Golf course, may I help you?

Caller: Yes, we have a tee time for two weeks from Friday. What's the weather going to be like that day?

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January 14, 2026 - More Golf Course Funnies
Staff: Golf course, may I help you?

Caller: Yes, I had a tee time for this afternoon but I'm running late. Can you still get me out early?

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Staff: Golf course, may I help you?

Caller: Yes, do you have one of those areas where you can buy a bucket of golf balls and hit them for practice?

Staff: You mean a driving range?

Caller: No, that's not it..
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Staff: Golf course, may I help you?

Caller: Yes, I'd like to get a tee time tomorrow between 12 O'clock and noon.

Staff: Between 12 o'clock and noon?

Caller: Yes.

Staff: We'll try to squeeze you in.

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January 13, 2026 - Golf Course Funnies
Staff: Golf course, may I help you?

Caller: Do you have any open tee times around 10 o'clock?

Staff: Yes, we have one at 10:15.

Caller: What's the next time after that?

Staff: We have one at 10:22.

Caller: We'll take that one. It will be a bit warmer.

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Staff: Golf course, may I help you?

Caller: How much to play golf today?

Staff: 25 to walk, 38 with a cart.

Caller: 38 dollars?

Staff: No, 38 yen.
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Staff: Golf course, may I help you?

Caller: What do you have for tee times tomorrow?

Staff: What time would you like?

Caller: What times do you have?

Staff: What time of the day?

Caller: Any time.

Staff: Morning or afternoon?

Caller: Whenever.

Staff: We have 16 times open in the morning and 20 open in the afternoon. Would you like me to read the whole list?

Caller: No, I don't think any of those times will work for me.


January 10, 2026 - Coffee Like Mud
I was making rounds one morning with a physician when we were interrupted by a co-worker who inquired about a patient's diet.

"Mrs. Jones does nothing but complain about her food," my co-worker said. "She says the coffee tastes like mud."

"Well, it should," the doctor quipped. "It was fresh ground this morning."


January 9, 2026 - Loved Too Much
A little boy was roughhousing with his dog.

His mother said to him, "Now, Bobby, I know you love Buster, but you're loving him too much. How would you feel if someone huge picked you up and squeezed you so hard you couldn't breathe?"

The boy thought a moment and then said, "I guess I'd feel like it was my birthday and Aunt Thelma was here!"


January 8, 2026 - Test Results Good News
Joey walked into his dad's study while his dad was working on the computer.

"Dad," said Joey, "Remember when you told me you'd give me twenty dollars if I passed my math test?" Dad nodded.

"Well," said Joey, "The good news is that I just saved you twenty bucks."


January 7, 2026 - Serving Money
An elderly man took his little grandson for a walk around the local cemetery. Pausing before one gravestone he said, "There lies a very honest man. He died owing me 50 dollars, but he struggled to the end to pay off his debts, and if anyone has gone to heaven, he has."

They walked on a bit further and then came to another grave. The old man pointed to the gravestone and said, "Now there's a different type of man altogether. He owed me 60 dollars and he died without ever trying to pay me back. If anyone has gone to hell, he has."

The little boy thought for a while and then said, "You know, Grandpa, you are very lucky."

"Why?" asked the old man in surprise.

"Well, whichever place you go to, you'll have some money to draw on."


January 6, 2026 - Impossible Argument
A married couple were having a disagreement while sitting in bed.

The wife said to her husband, "You're impossible," to which the husband replied, "No. I'm next to impossible."


January 3, 2026 - Community Newspaper
Gilbert, South Carolina is such a small community, I was surprised that they had a community paper. I asked one old-timer about it.

He replied, "We all know what everybody else is doing, but we like to read the paper anyway to see who's been caught at it."


January 2, 2026 - Frazzled Doctor
As soon as I stepped into the urgent-care facility in my hometown, I could see the place was packed with patients. The nurses and doctors all seemed frazzled.

I discovered just how frazzled when a doctor walked into the room, pulled out his examination light, pointed it in my ear, and instructed me, "Say, 'Ah.'"

December 2025

 December 31, 2025 - Friendly Fish Competition
A fisherman returned to shore with a giant Marlin that was larger & heavier than he was.

On the way to the cleaning shed he ran into a buddy who had maybe a dozen or so Rockfish.

The buddy eyed the Marlin & said, "Only caught the one, huh ?"


December 30, 2025 - Vegetable Soup
Checking the menu, a restaurant customer ordered a bowl of vegetable soup. After a couple of spoonfuls, he saw a circle of wetness right under the bowl on the tablecloth.

He called the waitress over and said, "The tablecloth is all wet. The bowl must be cracked."

The waitress said, "You ordered vegetable soup, didn't you?"

"Yes."

"Maybe it has a leek in it!"


December 27, 2025 - Realistic Fishing Proverb
Give a man a fish and he will eat all day.

Teach a man to fish and he will go out and buy expensive fishing equipment, stupid-looking clothes, a sports utility vehicle, travel 1000 miles to the "hottest" fishing spot and stand waist-deep in cold water so he can try to outsmart a fish.

Average cost per fish: $395.68

December 26, 2025 - Campaign Funding
Can you believe a candidate dropped out of the race because of a lack of campaign funds?

Anyone who stops spending just because he's out of money doesn't belong in Washington anyway!

December 25, 2025 - Piracy Payback
An unfailingly polite lady called to ask for help with a Windows installation that had gone terribly wrong.

Customer: "I brought my Windows disks from work to install them on my home computer."

Training stresses that we are "not the Software Police," so I let the little act of piracy slide.

Tech Support: "Umm-hmm. What happened?"

Customer: "As I put each disk in it turns out they weren't initialized."

Tech Support: "Do you remember the message exactly, ma'am?"

Customer: (proudly) "I wrote it down. 'This is not a Macintosh disk. Would you like to initialize it?'"

Tech Support: "Er, what happened next?"

Customer: "After they were initialized, all the disks appeared to be blank. And now I brought them back to work, and I can't read them in the A: drive; the PC wants to format them. And this is our only set of Windows disks for the whole office. Did I do something wrong?"


December 24, 2025 - Attractive Girl
A young woman, extraordinarily attractive in personality, character and presentation, was suffering from a illness that made her lips cracked and sore. The slightest movement of her mouth caused pain and embarrassment. Her condition, though not cured, was somewhat relieved by the application of a prescription medication from her physician.

The instructions on the prescription were to apply the medication once a day, but the young woman found that more frequent applications were palatable and effective. After exhausting her supply, she returned to the doctor's office for another one. The receptionist announced to the returning patient to the doctor:

"It's the super gal with the fragile lips expecting extra doses."
 

December 23, 2025 - First Case TriedAn investment counselor decided to go out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realized that she needed an in-house counsel. She began to interview young lawyers.

"As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question." She leaned forward. "Mr. Peterson, are you an honest lawyer?"

"Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I'm so honest that my father lent me $15,000 for my education, and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case."

"Impressive. And what sort of case was that?"

The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, "He sued me for the money."



December 20, 2025 - Slanderous Statements
A woman was being questioned in a court trial involving slander.

"Please repeat the slanderous statements you heard, exactly as you heard them," instructed the lawyer.

The witness hesitated.

"But they are unfit for any respectable person to hear," she protested.

"Then," said the attorney, "just whisper them to the judge."


December 19, 2025 - New Neighbor
My quiet Saturday morning ended abruptly when my 12-year-old son, Billy, and one of his friends burst through the door.

"Hey Dad, announced Billy, "have you met the new neighbors?"

"No."

"Come on Dad, you have to meet them."

"Some other time; I'm busy."

"Dad, you have to meet them now."

From the urgency in Billy's voice, I assumed the neighbors were waiting outside. I set aside my project and went to the front of the house. No one was there.

"Where are they?" I asked.

"Well, Dad," he explained, "we haven't met them yet either, but our baseball is in their living room!"


December 18, 2025 - Coffee Spill
The chef of the upscale restaurant I manage collided with a waiter one day and spilled coffee all over our computer. The liquid poured into the processing unit and resulted in some dramatic crackling and popping sounds.

After sopping up the mess, we gathered around the terminal as the computer was turned back on again.

"Please let it work," pleaded the guilt-ridden waiter.

A waitress replied, "Should be faster than ever. That was a double espresso."


December 17, 2025 - Firehouse Training Session
At a training session in the fire station, the team was assembled around the kitchen table.

The training officer was discussing the behavior of fire: "You pull up to a house and notice puffs of smoke coming from the eaves, blackened out windows and little or no visible flame. What does this tell you?" he asked.

Expecting to hear that the house is in a possible back draft situation, a condition very dangerous to fire fighters, he instead heard from one quick wit,

"You got the right place."


December 16, 2025 - Doctor's Bill
A friend went to see Doctor Wilson the other day, and the he was not very sympathetic with her aches and pains.

"You'll just have to learn to live it," he said.

When she got her bill for $90, she sent it back, with the notation, "You'll just have to learn to live without it!"


December 13, 2025 -  Adolescent Changes
Seeing my 11-year-old son perusing a website filled with photos of Britney Spears, I commented, "She certainly is pretty. Which picture do you like best?"

"I don't know," he mumbled, embarrassed by his newfound interest in girls. "I'm just reading about her."

I came closer and peered at the screen. "Oh, really?" I said. "So when did you learn to read Spanish?


December 12, 2025 -  Rules for Laboratory Workers
1. When you don't know what you're doing, do it neatly.

2. First draw your curves, then plot the data.

3. Experience is directly proportional to the equipment ruined.

4. Experiments must be reproducible. They should all fail the same way.

5. A record of data is essential. It indicates you have been working.

6. In case of doubt, make it sound convincing.

7. Do not believe in miracles. Rely on them.

8. Teamwork is essential in the lab. It allows you to blame someone else.

9. Always leave room to add an explanation when it doesn't work.
December 11, 2025 -  Looking Back at Romance
"I never would have married you if I knew how stupid you were!" shouted the woman to her husband!

The husband replied, "You should've known how stupid I was the minute I asked you to marry me!"
December 10, 2025 -  The Worm CatcherRobbie Robin was a worm-catcher extraordinaire. He arose earlier than all the other birds and took great pride in his worm-acquiring abilities.

Often he'd encounter worms who were trying desperately to verbally -- uh -- worm their way out of their impending doom. "Last of my family" and "the-wife-and-kids" excuses abounded.

No dice. They simply became Robbie's breakfast. Some would try to physically resist Robbie, but his tough beak won every time. He remained the King of Worm Catchers.

That is, until just recently. Robbie sneaked up on a worm early one morning and just as he prepared to pounce, the little worm turned around and solidly punched him right in the beak!

Robbie blinked hard and rubbed his sore nose.

The worm then began to verbally abuse Robbie, cussing him up one side and down the other with a vocabulary that would make most sailors blush. He escalated his attack, insulting Robbie's ancestors all the way back beyond the Ark to the first pair of robins ever created in The Beginning.

Robbie was so stunned by this display of wormy chutzpah that he just shook his head, and staggered away in shock, this being the first morning he had ever failed to get his worm.

The worm watched Robbie's retreat and muttered to himself with obvious satisfaction, "The surly worm gets the bird!"
December 9, 2025 -  Three Mothers
Three mothers are sitting on a park bench talking about (what else?) how much their sons love them.

Sadie says "You know the Chagall painting hanging in my living room? My son, Arnold, bought that for me for my 75th birthday. What a good boy he is and how much he loves his mother."

Minnie says,"You call that love? You know the Eldorado Cadillac I got for Mother's Day? That's from my son Bernie. What a doll."

Shirley says "That's nothing. You know my son Stanley? He's in analysis with a psychoanalyst on Park Ave. Five session a week. And what does he talk about? Me."
 

December 6, 2025 - Brazilian Jungle
Two intrepid explorers met in the heart of the Brazilian jungle.

"I'm here," declared one, "to commune with nature in the raw, to contemplate the eternal verities and to widen my horizons. And you, sir?"

"I," sighed the second explorer, "came because my young daughter has begun violin lessons."


December 5, 2025 - Laws of Household Physics
Ever notice that the laws of household physics are every bit as real as all other laws of the universe?  Here are a few examples:

1.  A child's eagerness to assist in any project varies in inverse proportion to his ability to actually do the work involved.

2.  Leftovers always expand to fill all available containers plus one.

3.  A newly washed window gathers dirt at double the speed of an unwashed window.

4.  The availability of a ballpoint pen is inversely proportional to how badly it is needed.

5.  The same clutter that will fill a one-car garage will fill a two-car garage.

6.  Three children plus two cookies equals a fight.

7.  The potential for disaster is in direct proportion to the number of TV remote controls divided by the number of viewers.

8.  The number of doors left open varies inversely with the outdoor temperature.

9.  The capacity of any hot-water heater is equal to one and one-half sibling showers.

10.  What goes up must come down, except bubble gum and slightly used Rice Krispies.


December 4, 2025 - Cell Phone Flight Call
En route to Hawaii, I noticed one of my passengers in the coach section of the airplane dialing her cell phone.

"Excuse me. That can't be on during the flight," I reminded her. "Besides, we're over the ocean-you won't get a signal out here."

"That's okay," she said. "I'm just calling my daughter. She's sitting up in first class."


December 3, 2025 - Climbing the Walls
With some misgivings, we left a young baby-sitter in charge of our three energetic youngsters.

When we returned a few hours later, she was sitting alone watching TV. I went to check on the children, and found them in our narrow hallway.  By bracing their arms and legs against the walls, two of them had climbed up to the ceiling.

"The baby-sitter taught us how," they said gleefully.

The sitter joined me, her face a deep red.  "Since they had me climbing the walls, I figured they might as well be too," she stammered.

We kept the same girl for the next two years.


December 2, 2025 - Liturgical Response
In our Anglican church, each service begins with a greeting. The officiating clergyman says, "The Lord be with you." The congregation used to respond by saying, "And with thy spirit."

But, with the modernizing of the liturgy, the minister now says, "The Lord be with you," and everyone responds with, "And also with you."

One Sunday a visiting bishop went to a church where the sound system was known to be old and unreliable.  As he approached the microphone, he tapped it several times and finally said, "There's something wrong with this!"

Without hesitation, the whole congregation answered faithfully, "And also with you."