November 2024

 November 29, 2024 - Why some shouldn't own computers!Customer: "I have Microword Soft."
Customer: "Microwave Windows?"
Customer: "Will this upgrade include Microwave 97?"
Customer: (Referring to Microsoft Defrag.) "I ran Microwave Defrost, but it didn't help."
Customer: "I have Microsoft Exploder."
Customer: "I have Microscope Exploiter."
Customer: "I have Netscape Complicator."
Customer: "I have Netscape Regulator."
Customer: "Uhh...I have Newscape and Outlook Exposure."
Customer: "I use Outlook Explorer."
Customer: "I have a US Robotics Sportscaster modem."
Customer: "It's not my computer that is slow. I have a 200 horse power harddrive."
 

November 28, 2024 - Gas GradeWhen the automatic gas pumps ask me to select a grade I usually give a B for quality and an F for pricing.


November 27, 2024 - Airport Security
Working as a secretary at an international airport, my sister had an office adjacent to the room where security temporarily holds suspects. One day security officers were questioning a man when they were suddenly called away on another emergency. To the horror of my sister and her colleagues, the man was left alone in the unlocked room.

After a few minutes, the door opened and he began to walk out. Summoning up her courage, one of the secretaries barked, "Get back in there, and don't you come out until you're told!"

The man scuttled back inside and slammed the door. When the security people returned, the women reported what had happened. Without a word, an officer walked into the room and released one very frightened telephone repairman.
 

November 26, 2024 - Rough BoysA little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys?"

Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough."

The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, "If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?"



November 25, 2024 - Cheap Suit
The fellow was being sold a very cheap suit.

"But the left arm is a lot longer than the right arm," he complained.

"That's why the suit is such a bargain," the sales clerk explained. "Just cock your left shoulder up a little, like this, and tuck this left lapel under your chin a bit, like this."

"But the right leg is way too short," argued the customer.

"No problem," the sales clerk answered. "Just keep your right knee bent a little at all times, walk like this, and no one will notice. That's why this suit is only thirty dollars."

Finally, the fellow bought the suit, cocked his left shoulder into the air, tucked the suit's left lapel under his chin, bent his right knee, and limped out of the store toward his car.

Two doctors happened along and noticed him.

"Good grief," the first doctor said to the second, "look at that poor crippled fellow."

"Yeah," answered the second doctor. "But doesn't that suit fit great?"



November 22, 2024 - Professional Animal Trainer
As a professional animal trainer, I was disturbed when my own dog developed a bad habit. Every time I hung my wash out on the clothesline, she would yank it down.

Drastic action was called for.

I put a white kitchen towel on the line and waited. Each time she pulled it off, I scolded her. After two weeks the towel was untouched. Then I hung out a large wash and left to do some errands.

When I came home, my clean clothes were scattered all over the yard. On the line was the white kitchen towel.


November 21, 2024 - Rejecting Rejection
The next time your application for a job is rejected fill this letter out and send it back.

Dear [Interviewer's Name]:

Thank you for your letter of [Date of Interview].  After careful consideration I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me employment with your firm.  This year I have had been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters.  With such a varied and promising field of candidates it is impossible for me to accept all refusals.

Despite [Firm's Name]'s outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet with my needs at this time.  Therefore, I will initiate employment with your firm immediately following graduation.  I look forward to seeing you then.

Best of luck in rejecting future candidates.

Sincerely,
[Your Name]


November 20, 2024 - Sheriff Vet
The sheriff of a small town was also the town's veterinarian.

One night the phone rang, and his wife answered. An agitated voice inquired, "Is your husband there?"

"Do you require his services as a sheriff or as a vet?" the wife asked.

"Both!" was the reply. "We can't get our dog's mouth open, and there's a burglar in it."


November 19, 2024 - Chickens at the Library
A pair of chickens walk into a public library, find the librarian and say, 'Buk Buk BUK.' The librarian decides that the chickens want three books, and promptly gives them some.  Without further ado, the chickens walk out.

Around midday, the two chickens are back and looking quite annoyed. One leans over to the librarian and says,' Buk Buk BuKKOOK!' The librarian decides that the chickens want another three books and promptly gives them some more.  The chickens leave as before.

About an hour later the two birds march in, approach the librarian, looking very angry now and nearly shouting, 'Buk Buk Buk Buk Bukkooook!' The librarian is now starting to get worried about where all her stock is going.  She decides to give them more books but also to follow them and find out what's happening.

She followed them out of the library, out of town, and into to a park.  At this point, she hid behind a tree, not wanting to be seen.

She saw the two chickens throwing the books at a frog in a pond, to which the frog was kept repeating, "Rrredit Rrredit Rrredit..."


November 18, 2024 - In-Law Letter
When the man came home, his wife was crying.

"Your mother insulted me," she sobbed.

"My mother? How could she do that? She's on vacation on the other side of the world!" the man said.

"I know. But this morning a letter addressed to you arrived. I opened it because I was curious."

"And?"

"At the end of the letter she wrote:

PS. Dear Diane, when you have finished reading this letter, don't forget to give it to my son."


November 15, 2024 - Shades of Tanning"
Before going on vacation, I went to a tanning salon. I was under the lights so long that the protective shades I wore left a big white circle around each eye.

Gazing at myself in the mirror the next day, I thought, "Man, I look like a clown."

I had almost convinced myself that I was over-reacting until I got in line at the grocery store. I felt a tug at my shirt and looked down to see a toddler staring up at me.

He asked, "Are you giving out balloons?"


November 14, 2024 - Bible
A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the
old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it.
What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.
'Mama, look what I found,' the boy called out.
'What have you got there, dear?'
With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, 'I think it's Adam's underwear!'


November 13, 2024 - Thesaurus Collision
Two trucks loaded with a thousand copies of Roget's Thesaurus collided as they left a New York publishing house last Thursday, according to the Associated Press.

Witnesses were stunned, startled, aghast, taken aback, stupefied.…


November 12, 2024 - In a Perfect World
A person would feel as good at 50 as he did at 17 and he would actually be as smart at 50 as he thought he was at 17.

You could give away a baby bed without getting pregnant.

Forget-me-nots would stimulate the memory.

Doing what was good for you would be what you enjoyed doing the most.

Pro baseball players would complain about teachers being paid contracts worth millions of dollars.

People would always see good reasons to be optimistic.

You would never fumble, but if you did, you would recover the ball yourself.

The mail would always be early, the check would always be in the mail, and it would be written for more than you expected.

Potato chips might have calories, but if you ate them with a dip, the calories would be neutralized.

If the guy from the government said to you, "I'm here to help," not only would he mean it, but also he'd do it.

First impressions wouldn't count for nearly as much as ultimate performance. Winning might be a nice thing, but that would be about all.

All people could expect to be accepted.

Every once in a while at least, a kid who always closed the door softly would be told, "Go back and slam the door."

Highway patrolmen would never be around when you're running late, but would always be at your side when a BMW blows past or a Mac truck won't get off your bumper.

The better food tasted, the less calories it would have.

Warranties would be for 13 months and products would fail at 12.

More would be accomplished by governments when they spent more.


November 11, 2024 - Barbers Don't Exist
A man went to a barbershop to have his hair cut and his beard trimmed. As the barber began to work, they began to have a good conversation. They talked about so many things and various subjects.

When they eventually touched on the subject of God, the barber said: 'I don't believe that God exists.'

'Why do you say that?' asked the customer.

'Well, you just have to go out in the street to realize that God doesn't exist. Tell me, if God exists, would there be so many sick people? Would there be abandoned children? If God existed, there would be neither suffering nor pain. I can't imagine a loving God who would allow all of these things.'

The customer thought for a moment, but didn't respond because he didn't want to start an argument. The barber finished his job and the customer left the shop.

Just after he left the barbershop, he saw a man in the street with long, stringy, dirty hair and an untrimmed beard. He looked dirty and unkempt. The customer turned back to enter the barbershop again and said to the barber: 'You know what? Barbers do not exist.'

'How can you say that?' asked the surprised barber. 'I am here, and I am a barber. And I just worked on you!'

'No!' the customer exclaimed. 'Barbers don't exist because if they did, there would be no people with dirty long hair and untrimmed beards, like that man outside.'

'Ah, but barbers DO exist! That's what happens when people do not come to me.'

'Exactly!' affirmed the customer. 'That's the point! God, too, DOES exist! That's what happens when people do not go to Him and don't look to Him for help. That's why there's so much pain and suffering in the world.'


November 8, 2024 - Shocking
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, 'Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!'
 

November 7, 2024 - Elderly
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never believe this!'
 
November 6, 2024 - Dress-up
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, 'Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit.'

'And why not, darling?'

'You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.'
 
November 5, 2024 - Death
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.

The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: 'Glory be unto the Father, and unto the Son, and into the hole he goes.'(I want this line used at my funeral!)
 

November 4, 2024 -  School
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. 'I'm just wasting my time,' she said to her mother. 'I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk!



November 1, 2024 - Hospital Complaints
Grandma Jones from the valley had never experienced a sick day in her life, so she didn't take it kindly when a bad case of the mulligrubs sent her to the hospital for observation.

By the time a pair of husky interns got Grandma tucked into bed, she had managed to complain about everything: the temperature, the lights, the skimpy gown, the food and the mattress, especially, the mattress.

Suddenly, Grandma spotted a small plastic item with a button, attached to a cord. "What's that?" she demanded.

"If you need anything in the middle of the night, Grandma," said one of the interns, "just press that button."

"What does it do, ring a bell?" she asked.

"No, it turns on a light in the hall for the nurse on duty," the intern replied.

"A light in the hall?" responded Grandma. "Look, I'm the sick one around here. If the night nurse needs a light on in the hall, she can get up and switch it on herself."

October 2024

October 31, 2024 - In Both Ears
"It's no good, sir," said the hopeless pupil to his English teacher. "I try to learn, but everything you say goes in both ears and out the other."

"Goes in both ears and out the other?" asked the puzzled teacher. "But you only have two ears, boy."

"Guess I'm no good at math, either!"


October 30, 2024 - Finding the Tea
My poor wife was sick in bed with the flu. Being a dutiful husband, I offered to fix her some of her favorite herbal tea. I couldn't find the tea though and went back upstairs to ask where it was.

She said, "I don't know how it could be any easier to see. It's in the pantry, third shelf down, in a cocoa tin marked 'matches'.


October 29, 2024 - Food, Family and Philosophy
Gary is about to go on his first date, and is nervous about what to talk about. He asks his father for advice. The father explains, "My son, there are three subjects that always work. These are food, family, and philosophy."

The boy picks up his date and they go off to a soda fountain. Ice cream sodas in front of them, they stare at each other for a long time, as the boy's nervousness builds. Suddenly, he remembers his father's advice, and chooses the first topic.

He asks the girl, "Do you like spinach?"

She says "No," and the silence returns.

After a few more uncomfortable moments, the boy thinks of his father's suggestion and turns to the second item on the list. He asks, "Do you have a brother?"

Again, the girl says "No," and there is silence once again.

The boy then plays his last card. He thinks of his father's advice and asks the girl, "If you had a brother, would he like spinach?"


October 28, 2024 - Praying for a Brother
A small boy badly wanted a baby brother, so his dad suggested he pray every night for one. The boy prayed earnestly, night after night, but his prayers seemingly weren't answered. After a few weeks, he didn't bother to ask anymore.

Some months later, his dad said they were going to see Mom in the hospital and he was going to get a big surprise. When they got to the room, the little boy saw his mother holding two babies.

"Well, what do you think about having twin brothers?" his dad asked.

The little boy thought for a moment and replied, "It's a good thing I stopped praying when I did."


October 25, 2024 - Hawaii Pronunciation
Morris and his wife Sherry were planning a vacation. They ended up in an argument.

"It's pronounced 'Hawaii', I'm telling you!" Sherry said.

"I never KNEW someone so stubborn! 'Havaii' is how it's pronounced!" he replied.

And so it went, all the way to the vacation. As they got off the airplane, they passed by a man. Morris abruptly stopped his wife and turned to the man to ask, "Now that we're on the island, you can settle an argument between my wife and me. Is this 'Hawaii' or 'Havaii?'"

"This is Havaii," the man replied.

"Ha!" the husband gloated to his wife. "See, didn't I tell you never to argue with me?"

As they began to walk away, Morris turned back and gave the man a hearty "Thank you!"

"You're velcome!" he called back.


October 24, 2024 - You Look Tired
A coworker told me that I looked tired.

"I am," I said. "I just finished 50 push-ups."

"Oh really? When did you start doing push-ups?"

"Well, I did the first one in 1986."


October 23, 2024 - Apple a Day
While visiting a friend who was in the hospital, I noticed several pretty nurses, each of whom was wearing a pin designed to look like an apple.

I asked one nurse what the pin signified.

"Nothing," she said with a smile. "It's just to keep the doctors away."


October 22, 2024 - Noises Under the Floor
My bathroom is in the back of the house and it's hard to hear when anyone is on the property.

One morning while getting ready for work, and thinking I was the only one at home, I kept hearing something crawl around under my bathroom floor. Thinking that somehow the neighbor's cat had gotten under the house, I began stomping the floor hard and shouting at the top of my lungs, "Get out of there" and "Stop that!"

Finally, the moving stopped so I finished what I was doing and left for work.

When I returned home that evening, I found a note that the exterminators had been there for their annual inspection. I turned to my husband and said, "Honey, do the exterminators crawl around under the house?"

He said, "Sure, why?"

That's when I burst out laughing. It took me several minutes to tell my husband what I had done. He cracked up at the thought of me standing in the bathroom stomping and shouting, and he said, "It's a good thing he didn't answer you back or you would have keeled over dead!"


October 21, 2024 - Giuseppe Spomdalucci
To impress his date, the young man took her to a very chick Italian restaurant.

After sipping some fine wine, he picked up the menu and ordered. "We'll have the Giuseppe Spomdalucci," he said.

"Sorry, sir," said the waiter. "That's the owner."


October 18, 2024 - Opinions
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, 'The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents ..'


October 17, 2024 - Ketchup
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar.. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone.. 'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now She's hitting the bottle.


October 16, 2024 - Nudity
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, 'What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?'


October 15, 2024 - Police # 1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, 'Are you a cop? Yes,' I answered and continued writing the report. My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?' 'Yes, that's right,' I told her. 'Well, then,' she said as she extended her foot toward me, 'would you please tie my shoe?'


October 14, 2024 - Police #2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. 'Is that a dog you got back there?' he asked.
'It sure is,' I replied.
Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, 'What'd he do?


October 11, 2024 - Fair Pay
An indigent client who had been injured in an accident went looking for a lawyer to represent him without cost. One lawyer told him that he would take the case on contingency.

When the client asked what "contingency" was, the lawyer replied, "If I don't win your lawsuit, I don't get anything. If I do win your lawsuit, you don't get anything.


October 10, 2024 - Narrow Escape Responses
There was an engineer, manager, and a programmer driving down a steep mountain road. The brakes failed and the car careened down the road out of control. Half way down the driver managed to stop the car by running it against the embankment narrowly avoiding careening off the cliff. They all got out, shaken by their narrow escape from death, but otherwise unharmed.

The manager said, "To fix this problem we need to organize a committee, have meetings, and through the process of exchanging ideas, develop a solution."

The engineer said, "No that would take too long, besides that method never worked before. I have my trusty pen knife here and will take apart the brake system, isolate the problem and correct it."

The programmer said, "I think your both wrong! I think we should all push the car back up the hill and see if it happens again."


October 9, 2024 - Dad's on Computers
A guy was typing away at his home computer, when his six- year-old daughter sneaked up behind him.

Suddenly, she turned and ran into the kitchen, squealing to the rest of the family, "I know Daddy's password! I know Daddy's password!"

"What is it?" her sisters asked eagerly.

Proudly she replied, "Asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, asterisk!"


October 8, 2024 - Teapot Computer
The secretary in our mental-health clinic chose a new screensaver -- a picture of a dancing teapot playing the children's song "I'm a Little Teapot."

Seeing this, our child psychiatrist posted a message on the secretary's desk: "Your computer is suffering from an identity disorder."


October 7, 2024 - Before and After Thankfulness
When I was younger, I remember receiving the inevitable homework assignment to write an essay on "something I am thankful for." Then I'd spend a lot of time sitting in my room trying to figure out just what in the world that could possibly be; and I'd end up writing down everything I could think of from God to environmental consciousness. But after having children, my priorities have clearly changed:

BEFORE CHILDREN: I was thankful to have been born the USA, the most powerful free democracy in the world.
AFTER CHILDREN: I am thankful for Velcro tennis shoes. As well as saving valuable time, now I can hear the sound of my son taking off his shoes -- which gives me three extra seconds to activate the safety locks on the back seat windows right before he hurls them out of the car and onto the freeway.

BEFORE CHILDREN: I was thankful for the recycling program which will preserve our natural resources and prevent the overloading of landfills.
AFTER CHILDREN: I am thankful for swim diapers because every time my son wanders into water in plain disposables, he ends up wearing a blimp the size of, say, New Jersey, on his bottom.

BEFORE CHILDREN: I was thankful for fresh, organic vegetables.
AFTER CHILDREN: I am thankful for microwaveable macaroni and cheese -- without which my children would be surviving on about three bites of cereal and their own spit.

BEFORE CHILDREN: I was thankful for the opportunity to obtain a college education and have a higher quality of life than my ancestors.
AFTER CHILDREN: I am thankful to finish a complete thought without being interrupted.

BEFORE CHILDREN: I was thankful for holistic medicine and natural herbs.
AFTER CHILDREN: I am thankful for pediatric cough syrup guaranteed to "cause drowsiness" in young children.

BEFORE CHILDREN: I was thankful for all of the teachers who had taught, encouraged and nurtured me throughout my formative years.
AFTER CHILDREN: I am thankful for all of the people at Weight Watcher who let me strip down to panty-hose and a strategically placed scarf before getting on the scale each week.

BEFORE CHILDREN: I was thankful for the opportunity to vacation in exotic foreign countries so I could experience a different way of life in a new culture.
AFTER CHILDREN: I am thankful to have time to make it all the way down the driveway to get the mail.

BEFORE CHILDREN: I was thankful for the Moosewood Vegetarian cookbook.
AFTER CHILDREN: I am thankful for the Butterball turkey hot line.

BEFORE CHILDREN: I was thankful for a warm, cozy home to share with my loved ones.
AFTER CHILDREN: I am thankful for the lock on the bathroom door.

BEFORE CHILDREN: I was thankful for material objects like custom furniture, a nice car and trendy clothes.
AFTER CHILDREN: I am thankful when the baby spits up and misses my good shoes.


October 4, 1013 - Small Town Check
I had just moved from an apartment to a house in the same small town. One day at the grocery store, I used the last of my personalized checks bearing my old address. The cashier examined the document and asked if everything on it was correct. I assured her that it was, and she started to put the check in the cash drawer. But then she inquired again if everything was accurate.

"Why do you ask?" I responded.

"Because," she replied, "my husband and I moved to this apartment yesterday, and I don't remember seeing you at breakfast."


October 3, 2024 - People you do not want to hear say 'OOPS!'
Your surgeon.
Your dentist.
Your nurse.
Your hairdresser.
Your mechanic.
Your gardener.
Your tax accountant.
The computer tech person.
The house painter.
The pilot.
The crew installing your roof, siding, sprinkler system . . .


October 2, 2024 - Soul Winning Efforts
A very zealous soul-winning young preacher recently came upon a farmer working in his field. Being concerned about the farmer's soul, the preacher asked the man, "Are you laboring in the vineyard of the Lord, my good man?"

Not even looking at the preacher and continuing his work, the farmer replied, "Naw, these are soybeans."

"You don't understand," said the preacher. "Are you a Christian?"

With the same amount of interest as his previous answer, the farmer said, "Nope my name is Jones. You must be lookin' for Jim Christian. He lives a mile south of here."

The young, determined preacher tried again, asking the farmer, "Are you lost?"

"Naw! I've lived here all my life," answered the farmer.

"Are you prepared for the resurrection?" the frustrated preacher asked.

This caught the farmer's attention and he asked, "When's it gonna be?"

Thinking he had accomplished something, the young preacher replied, "It could be today, tomorrow or the next day."

Taking a handkerchief from his back pocket and wiping his brow, the farmer remarked, "Well, don't mention it to my wife. She don't get out much, and she'll wanna go all three days."


October 1, 2024 - Did You See That?
Tom and Darryl were out hunting deer. Tom asked, "Did you see that?"

"No," Darryl replies.

"Well, a bald eagle just flew overhead."

"Oh," responded Darryl.

A couple of minutes later, Tom said, "Did you see that?"

"See what?"

"Are you blind? There was a big, black bear walking on that hill, over there."

"Oh."

A few minutes later Tom again said, "Did you see that?"

By now, Darryl is getting aggravated, so he says, "Yes, I did!"

And Tom says, "Then why did you step in it?