April 30, 2022 - Speeding Registration
On a long drive from Virginia, I thought I was traveling at a reasonable speed, but the flashing blue lights in my rear- view mirror made me realize that I'd been over the limit. I handed the officer my license and made small talk while my wife dug through the glove compartment for the registration.
"I'm usually very careful about my speed," I told him as my wife handed me the paperwork.
The officer studied it and then gave it back. "Sir," he said gruffly, "this is not your registration."
It was a warning ticket I had received for speeding in Florida.
April 27, 2022 - Personal Contact
Apparently not everyone is fed up with telephone-answering machines. At the newspaper office where I work, we have several of them for different departments.
However, while on the evening shift I answer the newsroom phone. I took one call and heard a woman exclaim: "Oh! I thought I was going to get a machine. I'll call back in the morning." And she hung up.
April 26, 2022 - Lost Money
The receptionist found some cash in the office, apparently mislaid by a co-worker. She sent the following email: "If anybody can say where they lost $70, please let me know and it will be returned to you."
Within minutes one employee replied, "Kentucky Derby, 2001."
April 25, 2022 - Laws of Parenthood
There is the Law of Gravity - And then, there is the Law of Parenthood:
A child's behavior will improve in proportion to the distance she is away from the parent.
Two is equal to two, except when referring to time. Two minutes of tantrum lasts 20 times as long as two minutes of quiet time.
The choice of a preschooler's best friend corresponds directly to the distance the friend lives from your house.
A child's enjoyment of a popular entertainment will be inversely proportionate to the parent's enjoyment.
The chance of a surprise visit by your parents-in-law is directly proportional to the size of the mess in your home.
A child will always eat exactly what she has loved for the past year unless it is the only food in the fridge.
The ease with which a toddler acquires the ability to say a word increases with its likelihood to embarrass a sailor.
April 24, 2022 - Sermon Follow-Up
A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17."
The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up.
The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."
April 23, 2022 - Shopping Plan
In the frozen foods department of our local grocery store, I noticed a man shopping with his son.
As I walked by, he checked something off his list, and I heard him whisper conspiratorially to the child;
"You know, if we really mess this up, we'll never have to do it again."
April 20, 2022 - Cheap Hearing Aid
A man realized he needed to purchase a hearing aid, but he felt unwilling to spend much money. "How much do they run?" he asked the clerk.
"That depends," said the salesman. "They run from $2.00 to $2,000."
"Let's see the $2.00 model," he said.
The clerk put the device around the man's neck. "You just stick this button in your ear and run this little string down to your pocket," he instructed.
"How does it work?" the customer asked.
"For $2.00 it doesn't work," the salesman replied. "But when people see it on you, they'll talk louder!"
April 19, 2022 - Golf Friendless
"Bob, why don't you play golf with John anymore?" asked a friend.
"Would you play golf with a guy who moved the ball with his foot when you weren't watching?" Bob asked.
"Well, no," admitted the friend.
"Neither will John," replied Bob.
April 18, 2022 - Preacher's Best Years
A preacher, who shall we say was "humor impaired," attended a conference to help encourage and better equip pastors for their ministry.
Among the speakers were many well known and dynamic speakers. One such boldly approached the pulpit and, gathering the entire crowd's attention, said, "The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman that wasn't my wife!" The crowd was shocked! He followed up by saying, "And that woman was my mother!"
The crowd burst into laughter and delivered the rest of his talk, which went over quite well.
The next week, the pastor decided he'd give this humor thing a try, and use that joke in his sermon. As he surely approached the pulpit that sunny Sunday, he tried to rehearse the joke in his head. It suddenly seemed a bit foggy to him.
Getting to the microphone he said loudly, "The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of another woman that was not my wife!"
The congregation inhaled half the air in the room.
After standing there for almost 10 seconds in the stunned silence, trying to recall the second half of the joke, the pastor finally blurted out, "...and I can't remember who she was!"
April 17, 2022 - Expenses
The teenager lost a contact lens while playing basketball in his driveway. After a fruitless search, he told his mother the lens was no where to be found.
Undaunted, she went outside and in a few minutes returned with the lens in her hand.
"How did you manage to find it, Mom?" the teenager asked.
"We weren't looking for the same thing," she replied. "You were looking for a small piece of plastic. I was looking for $150."
April 16, 2022 - Accident Prayer
As my five-year-old-son and I were headed to McDonald's one day, we passed a car accident.
Usually when we see something terrible like that, we say a prayer for those who might be hurt, so I pointed and said to my son, "We should pray."
From the back seat I heard his earnest request: "Please, God, don't let those cars block the entrance to McDonald's."
April 13 - 2022 - Rewiring
Because our former small-town parish was not a wealthy one, our pastor was dependent on parishioners for upkeep and maintenance of the church.
Once he asked my husband, Sam, to rewire the confessionals. The only way to reach the wiring was to enter the attic above the altar and crawl over the ceiling by balancing on the rafters.
Concerned for my husband's safety, I waited in a pew.
Unbeknownst to me, some parishioners were congregating in the vestibule. They paid little attention to me, probably assuming I was praying.
Worried about my husband, I looked up toward the ceiling and yelled, "Sam, Sam, are you up there? Did you make it okay?"
There was quite an outburst from the vestibule when Sam's hearty voice echoed down, "Yes, I made it up here just fine!"
April 12, 2022 - Personal Contact
Apparently not everyone is fed up with telephone-answering machines. At the newspaper office where I work, we have several of them for different departments.
However, while on the evening shift I answer the newsroom phone. I took one call and heard a woman exclaim: "Oh! I thought I was going to get a machine. I'll call back in the morning." And she hung up.
April 11, 2022 - Gold Watch
A boss to a retiree:
"As a symbol of our gratitude, we have created this special gold watch to serve as a reminder of your many years with the company. It needs a lot of winding up, is always a little late, and every day at quarter to five, it stops working."
April 10, 2022 - Hand DryersMy pastor friend put sanitary hot air hand dryers in the rest rooms at his church and after two weeks took them out.
I asked him why and he confessed that they worked fine but when he went in there he saw a sign that read,
"For a sample of this week's sermon, push the button."
April 9, 2022 - Returned Glasses
A woman walks in a store to return a pair of eyeglasses that she had purchased for her husband a week before. "What seems to be the problem, madam?"
"I'm returning these glasses I bought for my husband. He's still not seeing things my way."
April 6, 2022 - Tired Son
A clergyman, walking down a country lane, sees a young farmer struggling to load hay back onto a cart after it had fallen off.
"You look tired, my son," said the cleric. "Why don't you rest a moment, and I'll give you a hand."
"No thanks," said the young man. "My father wouldn't approve."
"Don't be silly," the minister said. "Everyone is entitled to a break. Come and have a drink of water."
Again the young man protested that his father would be upset.
Losing his patience just a little, the clergyman said, "Your father must be a real slave driver. Tell me where I can find him and I'll give him a piece of my mind!"
"Well," replied the young farmer, "you can tell him whatever you like just as soon as I get this hay off him."
April 5, 2022 - Cat Sitting
One night while I was cat-sitting my daughter's indoor feline, it escaped outside. When it failed to return the following morning, I found the beast clinging to a branch about 30 feet up in a spindly tree. Unable to lure it down, I called the fire department.
"We don't do that anymore," the woman dispatcher said. When I persisted, she was polite but firm. "The cat will come down when it gets hungry enough."
"How do you know that?" I asked.
"Have you ever seen a cat skeleton in a tree?" she said.
Two hours later the cat was back, looking for breakfast.
April 4, 2022 - Stockbroker's Secretary
The stockbroker's secretary answered his phone one morning.
"I'm sorry," she said, "Mr. Bradford's on another line."
"This is Mr. Ingram's office," the caller said. "We'd like to know if he's bullish or bearish right now."
"He's talking to his wife," the secretary replied. "Right now I'd say he's sheepish."
April 3, 2022 - Minivan Tow
A man was driving down the highway late one night when his mini-van broke down. He turned on his flashers and tried to get someone's attention to help him. Eventually a Lamburgini Countash pulls up.
"Any chance I could get a lift into town?" said the mini-van driver.
"I can do better than that," the man driving the Countash replied. "I've got a V-12 under this hood, I can tow you to the nearest town, no problem. Just honk your horn and flash your lights if I start going too fast."
They head off down the road and eventually come to a stop light and up pulls a Farrari F40 with a V-10. The F40 began to rev it's engine to get the Countash to race. The Countash rev's its engine and the light turns green. They fly out of there, and about a half a mile down the road they pass a speed trap.
The officer there watches them pass and radios to base saying, "Base, you will not believe what I just saw. A F40 and a Countash were driving down the road doing about 120 with a Mini-van honking it's horn and flashing it's lights trying to pass them!"
April 2, 2022 - Estates
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
Two elderly gents met up on the way to the funeral of one of their longtime buddies. The deceased was thought to have accumulated much wealth. On the way to the cemetery, one old fellow asked the other, "How much did he leave?" The other old fellow replied, "All of it."
