Good, Clean Jokes and Funny Stories


Good, Clean Jokes and Funny Stories


While the Bible isn't a joke book, it is obvious that humor played an important role in Hebrew culture. When drought hit Jacob's world he turned to his sons and said, "Why are you staring at one another...Go down [to Egypt] and buy some for us" (Gen 42:1-2). I also hear humor in some of Jesus' remarks, like when He renamed James and John the "sons of thunder" or when He said the Pharisees where like whitewashed tombs, full of dead men's bones (Matt 23). I think we need the picture of Jesus laughing and enjoying people. In fact, while Jesus indeed had many hard things to say, He was also full of emotion, joy and celebration. Even as He rebuked the Pharisees, we see a glimpse of His demeanor in ministry when He scolded them saying, "We played the flute for you, but you would not dance" (Matt 11). There was something very non-religious in Jesus that laughter, celebration and humor is part of. Hopefully, these jokes, stories and quips will help make your day more merry as you walk with the Lord Jesus through this world.

Francis

June 2022

June 28, 2022 - Motivation
The cowboy walked into the tack shop. "How much for a pair of spurs?" he asked the sales clerk.

"Forty dollars."

The cowboy looked in his wallet, thought for a moment, then pulled out a twenty. "I'll take one spur."

"What'll you do with just one?" the clerk asked.

The cowboy replied, "I figger if I can get one side of the horse movin', the other side'll go too."

June 27, 2022 - Imagination
I was making Play-Doh animals with my four-year-old niece, Chris, and her three-year-old brother, Neil. While Chris was clearly molding a crude but recognizable dog, figuring what Neil was making was a bit more challenging. "It's a cat," he told me, "but a truck ran over it."

Some time later, Chris had made another simple animal shape, but Neil had a rather flat slab of dough on the table in front of him.

"What happened to this animal?" I asked.

Neil shrugged and said simply, "Same truck."

June 26, 2022 - Ice Cream Flavors
The young man entered the Ice Cream Palace and asked, "What kinds of ice cream do you have?"
"Vanilla, chocolate, strawberry," the girl wheezed as she spoke, patted her chest and seemed unable to continue.

"Do you have laryngitis?" the young man asked sympathetically.

"Nope," she whispered, "just vanilla, chocolate and strawberry."

June 25, 2022 - Gate Boarding
At the airport for a business trip, I settled down to wait for the boarding announcement at Gate 35. Then I heard the voice on the public address system saying, "We apologize for the inconvenience, but Delta Flight 570 will board from Gate 41."

So my family picked up our luggage and carried it over to Gate 41. Not ten minutes later the public address voice told us that Flight 570 would in fact be boarding from Gate 35.

So, again, we gathered our carry-on luggage and returned to the original gate. Just as we were settling down, the public address voice spoke again: "Thank you for participating in Delta's physical fitness program.

June 22, 2022 - Sleeping Leg
A lady had been exposed to strep and needed to visit the doctor's office just to have her throat swabbed for a culture. She sat in the waiting room for quite a while with her legs crossed, reading a magazine while other patients came and went. Suddenly her turn was called, but when she stood up to go in, she discovered her leg was "asleep". Not wanting to keep the nurse waiting, she limped and staggered toward the inner office door. She noticed one elderly lady nudging another who sat beside her, as the two of them sympathetically watched her painful progress.

Two minutes later, her procedure completed and her leg back to normal, she walked easily back into the waiting room. As she strode past the two elderly ladies, she overheard one whisper triumphantly to the other, "See, Myrtle, I TOLD you he was a wonderful doctor!"

June 21, 2022 - Lost Phone
My girlfriend called me as she was driving to an appointment. She arrived, and I could tell from her voice that she was getting frustrated. Finally she said, "I know I had my cell phone with me. And now I can't find it!"

I replied, "Aren't you talking on it!?"

There was a solid period of stunned silence as the reality of the situation sank in - followed by, "You are NOT going to tell anybody about this!"

June 20, 2022 - Personalized Plate
While waiting in line at the Department of Vehicle Services for my personalized license plate, I heard the clerk shout out, "E I E I O."
"I'm here," the woman standing next to me answered.

Curious, I asked if she was a farmer or maybe taught kindergarten.

"Neither," she replied. "My name is McDonald."

June 19, 2008 - Fishing Advice
Two buddies are fishing, but they haven't caught anything all day. Then, another fisherman walks by with a huge load of fish. They ask him "excuse me, but where did you get all those fish?"
The other fisherman replies," If you just go down the stream until the water isn't salty, there are a ton of hungry fish."

They thank him and go on their way. 15 minutes later, one fisherman says to the other "fill the bucket up with water and see if the water is salty."

He dips the bucket in the stream and drinks some. "Nope. Still salty." 30 minutes later, he asks him to check again.

"Nope, still salty." One our later they check again. "Nope. Still salty."

"This isn't good," the fisherman finally says. "We have been walking for almost two hours and the water is still salty!"

"I know," says the other. "And the bucket is almost empty!"

June 18, 2022 - Card Name
Those of us who worked at the front desk of a convention hotel in Williamsburg, Va., prided ourselves on making the guests feel special. When someone arrived at reception, credit card in hand, we would sneak a peek at it and address him by name.
Once during a particularly busy check-in, one of our guests presented a corporate credit card. "Welcome to Williamsburg, Mr. Bell," the desk clerk said.

"Oh, please," the man replied, "call me Taco."

June 15, 2022 - What's Wrong Now?
My friend, an ex-Marine Aviator wanted to show off his new twin-engine plane. I was riding along as he put it through its paces. Suddenly, we were caught in a violent thunderstorm, with lightning crashing all around us. Next, we lost the radio and most of the instruments.

As we were being tossed around in the sky, George said, "Uh-oh!" Fearing the worst, I asked, "What's wrong now?"

George replied, "I got the hiccups. Do something to scare me."

June 14, 2022 - Anti-Virus
I prefer McAfee anti-virus to the other leading software. I guess I'm just anti-Symantec.

June 13, 2022 - Government Farm Visit
A cocky Department of Agriculture representative stopped at a farm and talked with the old farmer; "I need to inspect your farm."
The old farmer said, "You better not go in that field."

The Agriculture representative said in a "wise" tone, "I have the authority of the U. S. Government with me. See this card, I am allowed to go wherever I wish on agricultural land."

So the old farmer went about his farm chores.

Later, the farmer heard loud screams and saw the Department of Agriculture man running for the fence; close behind was the farmer's prize bull. The bull was madder than a nest full of hornets, and the bull was gaining at every step.

"Help," the rep shouted to the farmer, "what should I do?" he screamed helplessly.

The old farmer, hooking his thumbs in his overalls, called out: "Show him your card!"

June 12, 2022 - Census Names
Census Taker: "How many children do you have?"

Woman: "Four."

Census Taker: "May I have their names, please?"

Woman: "Eenee, Meenee, Minee and Frank."

Census Taker: "Okay, that's fine. But may I ask why you named your fourth child Frank?"

Woman: "Because we didn't want any Moe."

June 11, 2022 - Auditor
As a sales rep for a publisher of accounting reference materials, I was talking to a customer about a guide to assist with preparing for an audit. The way she described their organization led me to believe they might have an internal audit department. I asked, "Do you have an in-house auditor?"

"No," she answered. "We have an outhouse auditor."

It was almost three minutes before either of us could stop laughing and continue our conversation.

June 8, 2022 - Long Trip
A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly but there were many cars ahead of him in front of the service station. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump.

"Reverend," said the young man, "sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip."

The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the same in my business."

June 7, 2022 - Church Finances
The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to, ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building.

Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play. "Here's a copy of the service ," he said impatiently. "But you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances."

During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected, and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up."

At that moment, the substitute organist played "The Star Spangled Banner."
And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!

June 6, 2022 - BIBLE
 A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, "I know what the Bible means!"

His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible means?"

The son replied, "I do know!"

"Okay, said his father. "So, son, what does the Bible mean?"

"That's easy, Daddy. It stands for 'Basic Instructions Before Leaving Earth.'"

June 5, 2022 - Paid For
My wife and I, both graduate students, recently celebrated the arrival of our first child. At my wife's insistence, we had paid our entire medical bill and were now worried about meeting other payments.

We were discussing our sad financial situation one evening when our son demanded a diaper change. As my wife leaned over the baby's crib, I heard her mutter, "The only thing in the house that's paid for, and it leaks."

June 4, 2022 - Service for One
On Sunday, the new young pastor arrived at church and found only an old farmer had shown up.
After waiting a while, the disappointed the pastor remarked to the old farmer, "Well, it appears no one else is coming, so we should probably cancel service today"

The farmer, dressed in his Sunday best, looked at the young preacher and said, "Well pastor, I don't know much 'bout preachin', but I do know something bout farmin' and if I went out in the field and found only one cow, I'd still feed 'em"

This excited the young preacher who preached for the next 45 minutes a fierce fire and brimstone sermon. Afterwards the pastor asked the old farmer what he thought.

The old farmer remarked, "Well pastor, I don't know much bout preachin', but I do know somethin' 'bout farmin' and if I went out in the field and found only one cow, I wouldn't give 'em the whole bale."

June 1, 2022 - Interactive Weather
Our part of the country had gone for weeks with little or no rain.

The TV weatherman, on his computerized map, was pointing out a thunderstorm 50 miles away. He placed his cursor over the region and clicked to zoom in on the storm.

Watching, my son Roger shook his head and said, "I sure wish he would click on that storm and drag it over here."

May 2022

May 31, 2022 - Sunday School
A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question, "Boys and girls, what do we know about God? A hand shot up in the air. "He is an artist!" said the kindergarten boy.

"Really? How do you know?" the teacher asked.

"You know - Our Father, who does art in Heaven... "

May 30, 2022 - Successful Marriage
A couple had been married for 45 years and had raised a brood of 11 children and were blessed with 22 grandchildren.

When asked the secret for staying together all that time, the wife replies, "Many years ago we made a promise to each other: the first one to pack up and leave has to take all the kids."

May 29, 2022 - Lumber Need
Some men in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard. One of the men walked in the office and said, "We need some four-by-twos."

The clerk asked, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?"

The man said, "I'll go check," and went back to the truck. He returned and said, "Yeah, I meant two-by-four."

"All right. How long do you need them?"

The customer paused for a minute and said, "I'd better go check."

After a while, the customer returned to the office and said, "A long time. We're gonna build a house."

May 28, 2022 - Fixed Sign
A crew of highway maintenance workers were sent to repair some road signs that vandals had knocked down in a forested area. The first one they put back up was a symbol warning of a deer crossing.

As they moved down the road to repair the next sign, one member, looked back and spotted a deer running across the highway.

She turned to a co-worker and said, "I wonder how long he's been waiting to cross?"

May 25, 2022 - Energy efficient vehicle
While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign...

"Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust."

May 24, 2022 - Building Program
There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program.

The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets."

May 23, 2022 Roof Leak
Mr. Gable had a leak in the roof over his dining room, so he called a repairman to take a look at it. "When did you first notice the leak?" the repairman inquired.

Mr. Gable scowled. "Last night, when it took me two hours to finish my soup!"


May 22, 2022 - Singing Fish
Jimmy: 'Hey, Mike! How's your new pet fish doing? You told me he was really something special.'

Mike: 'To tell the truth, I'm really disappointed in him. The guy who sold him to me said I could teach him to sing like a bird.'

Jimmy: 'What? Let me get this straight... You bought a fish because you thought you could teach him to sing like a bird?'

Mike: 'Well, yeah. After all, you know, he's a parrot fish.'

Jimmy: 'Now listen, Mike, while you might be able to teach a parrot to sing, you're never going to get anywhere with a parrot fish.'

Mike: 'That's what you think! It just so happens this fish CAN sing. The thing is, he's terribly off-key and it's driving me crazy. Do you know how hard it is to tuna fish?'

May 21, 2022 - Gas Prices
Do you think a gallon of gas is expensive?

Just put things a bit in perspective.

Lipton Ice Tea 16 oz $1.19 .........$9. 52 per gallon

Ocean Spray 16 oz $1.25 $10.00 per gallon

Gatorade 20 oz $1.59 ..... $10.17 per gallon

Diet Snapple 16 oz $1.29 ....... $10.32 per gallon

Whiteout 7 oz $1.39 ....... . $25.42 per gallon

Brake Fluid 12 oz $3.15 . $33.60 per gallon

Scope 1.5 oz $0.99 .......$84.48 per gallon

Pepto Bismol 4 oz $3.85 ... $123.20 per gallon

Vick's Nyquil 6 oz $8.35 .... $178.13 per gallon

And this is the REAL KICKER...

Evian water 9 oz $1.49....... ...$21.19 per gallon?! $21.19 for WATER - and the buyers don't even know the source. (Did I mention that Evian spelled backwards is Naive?)

So, the next time you're at the pump, be glad your car doesn't run on water, Scope, or Whiteout, or heaven forbid Pepto Bismal or Nyquil!

May 18, 2022 - Suitor Approval
A good friend of mine warned me that, as my three daughters became old enough to date, I'd disapprove of every young man who took them out.
But when the time came, I was pleased that my friend's prediction was wrong. Each boy was pleasant and well mannered.

Talking to my daughter Joanna one day, I said that I liked all the young men she and her sisters brought home.

"You know, Dad," she replied, "we don't show you everybody."

May 17, 2022 - Chivalry
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

The escalator was broken, and the only way out of the airport was up a flight of stairs. I had a big suitcase and a sore knee.

I began dragging my bag and was making a loud thud on every step when a man behind me grabbed it and carried it to the top.

"That was so chivalrous," I gushed, thanking him.

"Chivalry had nothing to do with it," he said. "I've got a splitting headache."

May 16, 2022 - Eternity
I spent 20 minutes explaining life insurance options to one of our employees.

After reviewing the different plans and monthly deductions, he decided to max out, choosing $100,000 worth of life insurance. But he had one last question.

"Now," he said, "what do I have to do to collect the money?"

May 15, 2022 - Live to 100
When a grandmother was in her late eighties, she decided to move to Israel. As part of the preparations, she went to see her doctor and get all her charts. The doctor asked her how she was doing, so she gave him the litany of complaints - this hurts, that's stiff, I'm tired and slower, etc.
He responded with, "Mrs. Siegel, you have to expect things to start deteriorating. After all, who wants to live to 100?"

The grandmother looked him straight in the eye and replied, "Anyone who's 99."

May 14, 2022 - Chapstick
We had this great 10 year old cat named Jack who just recently died. Jack was a great cat and the kids would carry him around and sit on him and nothing ever bothered him. He used to hang out and nap all day long on the mat in our bathroom. We have 3 kids and at the time of this story they were 4 years old, 3 years old and 1 year old. The middle one is Eli. Eli really loved chapstick. LOVED it. He kept asking to use my chapstick and then losing it. Finally one day I showed him where in the bathroom I keep my chapstick and explained he could use it whenever he wanted to but he needed to put it right back in the drawer after he finished.

That year on Mother's Day, we were having the typical rush around and try to get ready for church with everyone crying and carrying on. My two boys are fighting over the toy in the cereal box. I am trying to nurse my little one at the same time I am putting on my make-up. Everything is a mess and everyone has long forgotten that this is a wonderful day to honor me and the amazing job that is motherhood.

We finally have the older one and the baby loaded in the car and I am looking for Eli. I have searched everywhere and I finally go into the bathroom. There was Eli. He was applying my chapstick very carefully to Jack's . . . rear end. Eli looked right into my eyes and said "chapped." Now if you have a cat, you know that he is right -their little bottoms do look pretty chapped. And, frankly, Jack didn't seem to mind. And the only question to ask at that point was whether it was the FIRST time Eli had done that to the cat's behind or the hundredth!?!

And THAT is my favorite Mother's Day moment ever because it reminds us that no matter how hard we try to civilize these glorious little creatures, there will always be that day when you realize they've been using your chapstick on the cat.


May 11, 2022 - Proper Attire
Proper attire is required in the cafeteria at the University of Maine. To enforce that rule, the management posted this notice:

"Shoes are required to eat in this cafeteria."

Next to it, a student added, "Socks can eat wherever they want."

May 10, 2022 - Photo Apology
Photographer Ruth Van Bergen specialized in celebrity portraits. One wealthy woman complained that Van Bergen's photo wasn't nearly as good as the first one she had taken.

"You must forgive me." the photographer said diplomatically. "The last time I took your picture, I was ten years younger."

May 9, 2022 - Suspicious Delivery
There was an unexpected knock on my door, and like I always do I first opened the peephole and asked, "Who's there?"
"Parcel post, ma'am. I have a package that needs a signature."

"Where's the package?" I asked suspiciously. The deliveryman held it up.

"Could I see some ID?" I said, still not convinced.

"Lady," he replied wearily, "if I wanted to break into your house, I'd probably just use these." And he pulled out the keys I had left in the door.

May 8, 2022 - Funeral Weather
As with many funerals, it was a cloudy, rainy day. The deceased was a little old lady who had devoted her entire married life to fussing at her poor husband. When the graveside service had no more than terminated, there was a tremendous burst of thunder accompanied by a distant lightning bolt.

The little ol man looked at the pastor and calmly said, "Well, she's there."

May 7, 2022 - Hunting Pairs
A group of friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.
"Where's Joey?" the others asked.

"Joe fell and broke his ankle. He's 5 miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied.

"You left Joe laying out there and carried the deer back?" they inquired.

"A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one is going to steal Joe!"

May 4, 2022 - Good Morning
Somebody has well said there are only two kinds of people in the world.

There are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning,Lord," and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's morning."

May 3, 2022 - Breakable
There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country.

"Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk.

"Only the Ten Commandments," answered the lady.

May 2, 2022 - God's Power
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

A boy was helping his mother bring the clothes in off the line as a storm threatened.

As they brought in the last armload and closed the door, the boy waved his hand at the heavens and said, "Okay God! Let'er go!"

May 1, 2022 - Snake Glasses
An old snake goes to see his Doctor. "Doc, I need something for my eyes, I can't see very well these days."
The doctor fixes him up with a pair of glasses and tells him to return in 2 weeks.

The snake comes back in 2 weeks and tells the doctor he's very depressed.
The doctor says, "What's the problem? Didn't the glasses help you?"

"The glasses are fine doc, but I just discovered I've been living with a water hose the past 2 years."

April 2022

April 30, 2022 - Speeding Registration
On a long drive from Virginia, I thought I was traveling at a reasonable speed, but the flashing blue lights in my rear- view mirror made me realize that I'd been over the limit. I handed the officer my license and made small talk while my wife dug through the glove compartment for the registration.

"I'm usually very careful about my speed," I told him as my wife handed me the paperwork.

The officer studied it and then gave it back. "Sir," he said gruffly, "this is not your registration."

It was a warning ticket I had received for speeding in Florida.

April 27, 2022 - Personal Contact
Apparently not everyone is fed up with telephone-answering machines. At the newspaper office where I work, we have several of them for different departments.

However, while on the evening shift I answer the newsroom phone. I took one call and heard a woman exclaim: "Oh! I thought I was going to get a machine. I'll call back in the morning." And she hung up.

April 26, 2022 - Lost Money
The receptionist found some cash in the office, apparently mislaid by a co-worker. She sent the following email: "If anybody can say where they lost $70, please let me know and it will be returned to you."

Within minutes one employee replied, "Kentucky Derby, 2001."

April 25, 2022 - Laws of Parenthood
There is the Law of Gravity - And then, there is the Law of Parenthood:

A child's behavior will improve in proportion to the distance she is away from the parent.

Two is equal to two, except when referring to time. Two minutes of tantrum lasts 20 times as long as two minutes of quiet time.

The choice of a preschooler's best friend corresponds directly to the distance the friend lives from your house.

A child's enjoyment of a popular entertainment will be inversely proportionate to the parent's enjoyment.

The chance of a surprise visit by your parents-in-law is directly proportional to the size of the mess in your home.

A child will always eat exactly what she has loved for the past year unless it is the only food in the fridge.

The ease with which a toddler acquires the ability to say a word increases with its likelihood to embarrass a sailor.

April 24, 2022 - Sermon Follow-Up
A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17."

The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up.

The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."

April 23, 2022 - Shopping Plan
In the frozen foods department of our local grocery store, I noticed a man shopping with his son.

As I walked by, he checked something off his list, and I heard him whisper conspiratorially to the child;

"You know, if we really mess this up, we'll never have to do it again."

April 20, 2022 - Cheap Hearing Aid
A man realized he needed to purchase a hearing aid, but he felt unwilling to spend much money. "How much do they run?" he asked the clerk.
"That depends," said the salesman. "They run from $2.00 to $2,000."

"Let's see the $2.00 model," he said.

The clerk put the device around the man's neck. "You just stick this button in your ear and run this little string down to your pocket," he instructed.

"How does it work?" the customer asked.

"For $2.00 it doesn't work," the salesman replied. "But when people see it on you, they'll talk louder!"

April 19, 2022 - Golf Friendless
"Bob, why don't you play golf with John anymore?" asked a friend.
"Would you play golf with a guy who moved the ball with his foot when you weren't watching?" Bob asked.

"Well, no," admitted the friend.

"Neither will John," replied Bob.

April 18, 2022 - Preacher's Best Years
A preacher, who shall we say was "humor impaired," attended a conference to help encourage and better equip pastors for their ministry.
Among the speakers were many well known and dynamic speakers. One such boldly approached the pulpit and, gathering the entire crowd's attention, said, "The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman that wasn't my wife!" The crowd was shocked! He followed up by saying, "And that woman was my mother!"

The crowd burst into laughter and delivered the rest of his talk, which went over quite well.

The next week, the pastor decided he'd give this humor thing a try, and use that joke in his sermon. As he surely approached the pulpit that sunny Sunday, he tried to rehearse the joke in his head. It suddenly seemed a bit foggy to him.

Getting to the microphone he said loudly, "The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of another woman that was not my wife!"

The congregation inhaled half the air in the room.

After standing there for almost 10 seconds in the stunned silence, trying to recall the second half of the joke, the pastor finally blurted out, "...and I can't remember who she was!"

April 17, 2022 - Expenses
The teenager lost a contact lens while playing basketball in his driveway. After a fruitless search, he told his mother the lens was no where to be found.

Undaunted, she went outside and in a few minutes returned with the lens in her hand.

"How did you manage to find it, Mom?" the teenager asked.

"We weren't looking for the same thing," she replied. "You were looking for a small piece of plastic. I was looking for $150."

April 16, 2022 - Accident Prayer
As my five-year-old-son and I were headed to McDonald's one day, we passed a car accident.
Usually when we see something terrible like that, we say a prayer for those who might be hurt, so I pointed and said to my son, "We should pray."

From the back seat I heard his earnest request: "Please, God, don't let those cars block the entrance to McDonald's."

April 13 - 2022 - Rewiring
Because our former small-town parish was not a wealthy one, our pastor was dependent on parishioners for upkeep and maintenance of the church.
Once he asked my husband, Sam, to rewire the confessionals. The only way to reach the wiring was to enter the attic above the altar and crawl over the ceiling by balancing on the rafters.

Concerned for my husband's safety, I waited in a pew.

Unbeknownst to me, some parishioners were congregating in the vestibule. They paid little attention to me, probably assuming I was praying.

Worried about my husband, I looked up toward the ceiling and yelled, "Sam, Sam, are you up there? Did you make it okay?"

There was quite an outburst from the vestibule when Sam's hearty voice echoed down, "Yes, I made it up here just fine!"

April 12, 2022 - Personal Contact
Apparently not everyone is fed up with telephone-answering machines. At the newspaper office where I work, we have several of them for different departments.

However, while on the evening shift I answer the newsroom phone. I took one call and heard a woman exclaim: "Oh! I thought I was going to get a machine. I'll call back in the morning." And she hung up.

April 11, 2022 - Gold Watch
A boss to a retiree:
"As a symbol of our gratitude, we have created this special gold watch to serve as a reminder of your many years with the company. It needs a lot of winding up, is always a little late, and every day at quarter to five, it stops working."

April 10, 2022 - Hand DryersMy pastor friend put sanitary hot air hand dryers in the rest rooms at his church and after two weeks took them out.
I asked him why and he confessed that they worked fine but when he went in there he saw a sign that read,

"For a sample of this week's sermon, push the button."

April 9, 2022 - Returned Glasses
A woman walks in a store to return a pair of eyeglasses that she had purchased for her husband a week before. "What seems to be the problem, madam?"
"I'm returning these glasses I bought for my husband. He's still not seeing things my way."

April 6, 2022 - Tired Son
A clergyman, walking down a country lane, sees a young farmer struggling to load hay back onto a cart after it had fallen off.
"You look tired, my son," said the cleric. "Why don't you rest a moment, and I'll give you a hand."

"No thanks," said the young man. "My father wouldn't approve."

"Don't be silly," the minister said. "Everyone is entitled to a break. Come and have a drink of water."

Again the young man protested that his father would be upset.

Losing his patience just a little, the clergyman said, "Your father must be a real slave driver. Tell me where I can find him and I'll give him a piece of my mind!"

"Well," replied the young farmer, "you can tell him whatever you like just as soon as I get this hay off him."

April 5, 2022 - Cat Sitting
One night while I was cat-sitting my daughter's indoor feline, it escaped outside. When it failed to return the following morning, I found the beast clinging to a branch about 30 feet up in a spindly tree. Unable to lure it down, I called the fire department.
"We don't do that anymore," the woman dispatcher said. When I persisted, she was polite but firm. "The cat will come down when it gets hungry enough."

"How do you know that?" I asked.

"Have you ever seen a cat skeleton in a tree?" she said.

Two hours later the cat was back, looking for breakfast.

April 4, 2022 - Stockbroker's Secretary
The stockbroker's secretary answered his phone one morning.
"I'm sorry," she said, "Mr. Bradford's on another line."

"This is Mr. Ingram's office," the caller said. "We'd like to know if he's bullish or bearish right now."

"He's talking to his wife," the secretary replied. "Right now I'd say he's sheepish."

April 3, 2022 - Minivan Tow
A man was driving down the highway late one night when his mini-van broke down. He turned on his flashers and tried to get someone's attention to help him. Eventually a Lamburgini Countash pulls up.
"Any chance I could get a lift into town?" said the mini-van driver.

"I can do better than that," the man driving the Countash replied. "I've got a V-12 under this hood, I can tow you to the nearest town, no problem. Just honk your horn and flash your lights if I start going too fast."

They head off down the road and eventually come to a stop light and up pulls a Farrari F40 with a V-10. The F40 began to rev it's engine to get the Countash to race. The Countash rev's its engine and the light turns green. They fly out of there, and about a half a mile down the road they pass a speed trap.

The officer there watches them pass and radios to base saying, "Base, you will not believe what I just saw. A F40 and a Countash were driving down the road doing about 120 with a Mini-van honking it's horn and flashing it's lights trying to pass them!"


April 2, 2022 - Estates
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
Two elderly gents met up on the way to the funeral of one of their longtime buddies. The deceased was thought to have accumulated much wealth. On the way to the cemetery, one old fellow asked the other, "How much did he leave?" The other old fellow replied, "All of it."

March 2022

March 30, 2022 - Priory PriorityThe 104-year-old building that had served as the priory and primary student residence of the small Catholic university where I work was about to be demolished. As the wrecker's ball began to strike, I sensed the anxiety and sadness experienced by one of the older monks whose order had founded the college.

"This must be difficult to watch, Father," I said. "The tradition associated with that building, the memories of all the students and monks who lived and worked there. I can't imagine how hard this must be for you."

"It's worse than that," the monk replied. "I think I left my PalmPilot in there."


March 29, 2022 - Military Man
A career military man, who had retired as a Master Sergeant, was telling the new recruits how he handled officers during his years of service.
"It didn't matter a hoot if he was a full bird colonel, Major General, an Admiral, or what! I always told those guys exactly where to get off."

"Wow, you must have been something," the admiring young soldiers remarked. "What was your job in the service?"

"Elevator operator in the Pentagon."

March 28, 2022 - Paid For
My wife and I, both graduate students, recently celebrated the arrival of our first child. At my wife's insistence, we had paid our entire medical bill and were now worried about meeting other payments.

We were discussing our sad financial situation one evening when our son demanded a diaper change. As my wife leaned over the baby's crib, I heard her mutter, "The only thing in the house that's paid for, and it leaks."


March 27, 2022 - Record Store
A woman meant to call a record store, but dialed the wrong number and got a private home instead. "Do you have 'Eyes of Blue' and 'A Love Supreme?'" she asked.
"Well, no," answered the puzzled homeowner. "But I have a wife and eleven children."

"Is that a record?" she inquired, puzzled in her turn.

"I don't think so," replied the man, "but it's as close as I want to get."


March 26, 2022 - Beef Prices
It's a summer holiday weekend and a man walks into a butcher shop which has a sign in the window saying "Ground Sirloin: 29 cents per pound"
The man says, "I'm having a cookout this weekend. I'd like 5 pounds of yourground sirloin, please."

The butcher shakes his head and says, "Sorry. I'm all out."

The man, disappointed goes down the street to another butcher shop and asks, "How much is your ground sirloin?"

The proprietor replies, "It's $3.29 per pound."

"Three twenty nine!?!" exclaimed the customer. "Just up the street he sells it for 29 cents!"

The butcher smiles calmly at the gentleman and asks, "Does he have any?"

"No. He's out of it right now."

"Well," says the butcher. "When I don't have any, I can sell it for 19 cents per pound!"

March 23, 2022 - Bible Hunt
One fellow was violently tearing through his Bible in a desperate search when a friend came up and asked, "Is something wrong?"

"Yes," he said, "I can't remember if the Thanksgiving story is in the Old Testament or New Testament!"

March 21, 2022 - Mystery
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

Mr. Smith was a traveling salesman and frequent flyer, so he was always very careful to mark his luggage so that no one would mistakenly take his bags.
He always did this with bright ribbons and tape, so he was quite surprised to see his bags grabbed by a well dressed man when he got to the luggage carousel.

Mr. Smith walked over to the fellow and pointed out the colored ribbons tied to the handle, and the fluorescent tape on the sides.

"I believe that luggage is mine. Were your bags marked like this?", he asked.

"Actually", the man replied, "I was wondering who did this to my luggage."

March 20, 2022 - Free Paper
My dry cleaner very generously gives each customer a free copy of the daily newspaper. As I took my copy, I told him, "I hope the business grows enough to offset the cost of the papers."
"Oh, don't worry about us," he said. "Nothing dirties clothes more than newsprint."

March 19, 2022 - Arguing
The other day, Nancy and I got into some petty argument. (I say it was petty. She would have said it was Armageddon.) As is our nature, neither of us would admit the possibility that we might be in error.
To her credit, Nancy finally said, "Look. I'll tell you what. I'll admit I'm wrong if you admit I was right."

"Fine." I said.

She took a deep breath, looked me in the eye and said, "I'm wrong."

I grinned and replied, "You're right."


March 16, 2022 - Vet Bills
While waiting at the veterinarian's office, I overheard two women chatting about their dogs.
"What's your dog's name?" asked the first woman.

"Well, we used to call her Pork Chop," answered the second lady. "But after the vet bills we've had for her, we now call her Filet Mignon."


March 15, 2022 - Ice Capades
A mother's four-year-old daughter was attending her first performance of the Ice Capades. She was so mesmerized that she wouldn't budge from her seat even during intermission, watching the activity while the ice was cleaned.
At the end of the show, she exclaimed, "I know what I want to be when I grow up!"

The mother envisioned her on the ice in another 15 years, starring in the Ice Capades.

She was brought back to earth when the daughter continued, "I want to be a Zamboni driver!"

March 14, 2022 - The Front Pew
An elderly woman walked into the local country church. The friendly usher greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight of steps.
"Where would you like to sit?" he asked politely.

"The front row please," she answered.

"You really don't want to do that," the usher said. "The pastor is really boring."

"Do you happen to know who I am?" the woman inquired.

"No," he said.

"I'm the pastor's mother," she replied indignantly.

"Do you know who I am?" he asked.

"No," she said.

"Good," he answered, "Let me show you the front pew."

March 13, 2022 - Movie Impatience
We went to the movie the other night. I sat in an aisle seat as I usually do because it feels a little roomier. Just as the feature was about to start a baby boomer from the center of the row got up and started working her way out. "Excuse me, sorry, oops, excuse me, pardon me, gotta hurry, oops, excuse me."
By the time she got to me I was trying to look around her and I was a little impatient so I said, "Couldn't you have done this a little earlier?"

"No!!" she said in a loud whisper, "The TURN OFF YOUR CELL PHONE PLEASE message just flashed up on the screen and mine is out in the car."


March 12, 2022 - Golf Lesson
This fellow's wife was constantly nagging him to teach her to play golf. Finally, one morning he relented and off they went. The first hole was a par 3, 179 yards, and very pretty. The husband stepped up first and said, "Now watch me, and do the same thing." He hit a beautiful shot and landed on the green with about 30 feet to the cup.

The wife stepped up, drilled her ball, causing it to hook, ricochet off a tree, bounce off a rock and roll up onto the green - dropping into the cup.

The husband looked at this, and said, "OK, now you know how to play, let's go home."


March 9, 2022 - Diagnosis
The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test.
Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?"

A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered, "A basketball coach?"


March 8, 2022 - Golf Friendless
"Bob, why don't you play golf with John anymore?" asked a friend.
"Would you play golf with a guy who moved the ball with his foot when you weren't watching?" Bob asked.

"Well, no," admitted the friend.

"Neither will John," replied Bob.


March 7, 2022 - Three Day Silence
My wife has not spoken to me in three days. I think it has something to do with what happened on Sunday night when she thought she heard a noise downstairs.
She nudged me and whispered, "Wake up, wake up!"

"What's the matter?" I asked.

"There are burglars in the kitchen. I think they're eating the tuna casserole I made tonight."

"That'll teach them!" I replied.


March 6, 2022 - Dog Employee
A salesman dropped in to see a business customer. Not a soul was in the office except a big dog emptying wastebaskets. The salesman stared at the animal, wondering if his imagination could be playing tricks on him. The dog looked up and said, "Don't be alarmed. This is just part of my job."
"Incredible!" exclaimed the man. "I can't believe it! Does your boss know what a prize he has in you? An animal that can talk!"

"No, no," pleaded the dog. "Please don't! If that man finds out I can talk, he'll make me answer the phone, too!"


March 5, 2022 - Two Feet
A teenager was always asking his father if he could borrow the family car. Pushed to the limit, the father asked his son why he thought God had given him two feet.
Without hesitation, the son replied, "That's easy, one for the clutch and one for the accelator."


March 2, 2022 - Gold Watch
A boss to a retiree:
"As a symbol of our gratitude, we have created this special gold watch to serve as a reminder of your many years with the company. It needs a lot of winding up, is always a little late, and every day at quarter to five, it stops working."


March 1, 2022 - First Job Hunting
Recently, our 18-year-old daughter started hunting for her first real job. She spent an afternoon filling out applications, leaving them on the kitchen table to finish later. As I walked by, a section of the application on top jumped out at me. Under "Previous Employment" she wrote, "Baby sitting."

In answer to "Reason for Leaving" she wrote, "Parents came home."

February 2022

February 28, 2022 - Work Confusion
A passerby noticed a couple of city workers working along the city sidewalks.
The man was quite impressed with their hard work, but he couldn't understand what they were doing.

Finally, he approached the workers and asked, "I appreciate how hard you're both working, but what on earth are you doing? It seems that one of you digs a hole, and then the other guy immediately fills it back up again.

One of the city workers explained, "The third guy who plants the trees is off sick today."


February 27, 2022 - Knee TattooA hospital corpsman and I were getting an elderly retired master chief petty officer out of his wheelchair, when I noticed the man had a tattoo on his knee.
"What's that?" I asked, unable to make out the design.

"It's a banjo," he said sheepishly. "I'm from Alabama."


February 26, 2022 - Lion Hunting
Before they go out hunting for food, the lion says to his friends, "Let us prey."


February 23, 2022 - Doctor's Orders
Doctor: "I see you're over a month late for your appointment. Don't you know that nervous disorders require prompt and regular attention? What's your excuse?"
Patient: "I was just following your orders, Doc."

Doctor: "Following my orders? What are you talking about? I gave you no such order."

Patient: "You told me to avoid people who irritate me."


February 22, 2022 - Proposal Condition
Kurt was going out with a nice girl and finally popped the question. "Will you marry me, darling?" he asked.
Lisa smiled coyly and said, "Yes, if you'll buy me a mink."

Kurt thought for a moment and then replied, "Okay, it's a deal, on one condition."

"What is that?" Lisa asked.

"You'll have to clean the cage," Kurt replied.


February 21, 2022 - Dog Meters
Two dogs out and about, walk over to a parking meter.
One says to the other, "How do you like that, Sam? Pay toilets."


February 20, 2022 - Work Prayer
Confiding in a co-worker, I told her about a problem in our office and my fear that I would lose my job. She was concerned and said she would pray for me. I know she keeps a list of the ten people she believes need her prayers the most, so I asked if she had room for me on her list.

"Oh, yes," she replied. "Three of the people have died."


February 19, 2022 - Shoebox Dolls
A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoebox in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.

For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover.

In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoebox and took it to his wife's bedside.

She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totalling $25,000. He asked her about the contents.

"When we were to be married," she said, "my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll."

The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness. "Honey," he said, "that explains the doll, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?"

"Oh," she said, "that's the money I made from selling the dolls."


February 16, 2022 - Security
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

A friend who lives in NYC has six locks on his door; all in a row. When he goes out, he only locks every other one.

That way, no matter how long somebody tries to pick the locks, they are always locking three.


February 15, 2022 - Talking in Your Sleep
A wife and husband both talked in their sleep. She loved auctions; his hobby was golf. The other night, during a deep sleep, the man yelled, "Fore!"

His wife, also in a deep sleep and not missing a beat, yelled back, "Four fifty!"


February 14, 2022 - First Impressions
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

I was accompanying my eight-year-old daughter who was selling cookies door-to-door for the Girl Scouts. After visiting several homes, she commented on the different styles of doorbells: some buzzed, some rang, some warbled. We made a game of guessing what the next bell would sound like.

At the precise moment she touched the doorbell at one house, the church tower began to chime. She wheeled around with a look of amazement on her face. "Now that's a doorbell!"


February 13, 2022 - Return Policy
The store's policy on returns was prominently posted at every register as well as throughout the store. Every receipt also had the same information. A store credit would be given on all returns, but there were no cash refunds.

After explaining this policy to the grouchy dowager, the woman blew up at the clerk, finally demanding the name of the President and his address. The clerk replied George Bush, 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, Washington, DC.

The woman promptly wrote this information down and stuffed it into her purse. "He will hear from me!" she announced as she stormed out of the store.


February 12, 2022 - Ski Wax
As a ski instructor, I sometimes tease my little pupils. Once I told seven year old Luke that if my skis were faster than his, it was because I'd waxed them with butter.

The next morning his grandmother came to class with him. She took me aside and said, "We had no butter left for breakfast. Luke had spread it all over his skis, claiming that it was the proper way to wax them. I think you should tell the children that instead of listening to nonsense from other beginners, they should only take advice from their teacher."


February 9, 2022 - Twins
A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him "Juan." Year's later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."


February 8, 2022 - Grandpa's Prayers
Our son had only heard his grandfather pray at Thanksgiving, Easter, and other special occasions; when he, typically, said a long prayer over the food. One night, after a fun camp-out and fishing trip, grandfather (to our son's surprise) asked a very brief blessing on the food.

With a gleam in his eye, our son grinned at his Grandfather and said, "You don't pray so long when you're hungry, do you Grandpa?"


Wednesday February 7- Driving Worries
I decided to stop worrying about my teenage son's driving and take advantage of it.
I got one of those bumper stickers that says "How's my driving?" and put a 900 number on it.

At 50 cents a call, I've been making $38 a week.


February 6, 2022 - Toilet Repair
Because I couldn't unplug the toilet with a plunger, I had to dismantle the entire fixture, no small feat for a non-plumber. Jammed inside the drain was a purple rubber dinosaur, which belonged to my five-year-old son.

I painstakingly got all the toilet parts together again, the tank filled, and I flushed it. However, it didn't work much better than before! As I pondered what to do next, my son walked into the bathroom. I pointed to the purple dinosaur I had just dislodged and told him that the toilet still wasn't working.

"Did you get the green one, too?" he asked.


February 5, 2022 -  More Puns
What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why," they asked, as they moved off.  "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."


February 2, 2022 - Pun on Words
Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

A jumper cable walks into a restaurant. The hostess says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

February 1, 2022 - A Love Supreme
A woman meant to call a record store but dialed the wrong number and got a private home instead. "Do you have 'Eyes of Blue' and 'A Love Supreme'?" she asked.

"Well, no," answered the puzzled homeowner. "But I have a wife and eleven children."

"Is that a record?" she inquired.

"I don't think so," replied the man, "but it's as close as I want to get."

January 2022

January 31, 2022 - Needle Manners
While I was working as a pediatric nurse, I had the difficult assignment of giving immunization shots to children. One day I entered the examining room to give four-year-old Lizzie her shot.
"NO! NO! NO!" she screamed.

"Lizzie," her mother scolded. "That's not polite behavior."

At that, the girl yelled even louder, "NO, THANK YOU! NO, THANK YOU! NO, THANK YOU!"


January 30 , 2022 - Washing Settings
One day, a housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to his wife, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"

"It depends," she replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"

He yelled back, "Texas A & M."


January 29, 2022 - Baby Growth
Our first three babies, all girls, each weighed about seven pounds at birth. When our fourth arrived, he was much larger.
After delivery, the medical team began testing and measuring my new son. The last reading came from a nurse, who seemed impressed as she read, "Weight, nine pounds, eight ounces."

My husband, a CPA in corporate finance who'd been quiet up to this point, could contain himself no longer.

"How about that!" my husband exclaimed happily. "It's 36.5% more baby!"


January 26, 2022 - Tree Faller
While working as a radiology technician in a hospital emergency room, I took X-rays of a trauma patient. I brought the films to our radiologist, who studied the multiple fractures of the femurs and pelvis.

"What happened to this patient?" he asked in astonishment.

"He fell out of a tree," I reported.

The radiologist wanted to know what the patient was doing up a tree.

"I'm not sure, but his paperwork states he works for Bob's Expert Tree Service."

Gazing intently at the X-rays, the radiologist blinked and said, "Cross out 'expert.'"


January 25, 2022 -  Happy Birthday
My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, "62."

He was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, "Did you start at 1?"


January 24, 2022 - Cross Country Move
When we moved cross-country, my wife and I decided to drive both of our cars. Nathan, our eight-year-old, worriedly asked,

"How will we keep from getting separated?"

"We'll drive slowly so that one car can follow the other," I reassured him.

"Yeah, but what if we DO get separated?" he persisted.

"Well, then I guess we'll never see each other again," I quipped.

"Okay," he said. "I'm riding with Mom."


January 23, 2022 - Dead Cat
A little boy is gone to school one day and while he is gone, his cat gets killed. His mother is very concerned about how he will take the news.

Upon his arrival home, she explains the tragedy and tries to console the boy saying, "But don't worry, the cat is in heaven with God now."

The boy replied, "What's God gonna' do with a dead cat?"


January 22, 2022 - Biggest Lie
Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room. The teacher says, "Why are you arguing?"
One boy answers, "We found a ten dollor bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie."

"You should be ashamed of yourselves," said the teacher, "When I was your age I didn't even know what a lie was."

The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher.


January 19, 2022 - Anesthesiologist Bill
Margie received a bill from the hospital for her recent surgery, and was astonished to see a $900 fee for the anesthesiologist.
She called his office to demand an explanation. "Is this some kind of mistake?" Margie asked when she got the doctor on the phone.

"No, not at all," the doctor said calmly. "Well," said Margie, "that's awfully costly for knocking someone out."

"Not at all," replied the doctor. "I knock you out for free. The 900 dollars is for bringing you back around."


January 18, 2022 - Dollar Math
"If you had one dollar and you asked your father for another, how many dollars would you have?"
Vinny raised his hand and answered, "One dollar."

The teacher shook her head. "You don't know your math."

Vinny replied, "You don't know my father."

January 17, 2022 - Shopping Remote
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.

As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.

"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.

"No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the worst thing I could do to him legally."


January 16, 2022 - Coffee Vending Machine
A man put his fifty cents in a vending machine and watched helplessly while the cup failed to appear and a nozzle sent coffee down the drain while another poured cream after it.

"Now that's automation!" he exclaimed. "It even drinks for you!"


January 15, 2022 - Unique Breakfast
A man observed a sign in the window of a restaurant that read Unique Breakfast, so he walked in and sat down.
The waitress brought him his coffee and asked him what he wanted.

"What's your Unique Breakfast?" he asked.

"Baked tongue of chicken!" she proudly replied.

"Baked tongue of chicken? Baked tongue of chicken! Do you have any idea how disgusting that is? I would never even consider eating anything that came out of a chicken's mouth!" he fumed.

Undaunted, the waitress asked, "What would you like, then?"

"Just bring me a hard boiled egg," the man replied.


January 12, 2022 - Treasure
Someone in our neighborhood put a huge sofa out by the curb for trash collection. Since it was in good shape, many motorists slowed down for a look. But when they saw how enormous it was, they'd leave.

Eventually a compact car pulled up, and two men got out. "This I've got to see," I thought. They removed the cushions, turned the sofa upside down, and shook it hard. Then they picked up all the coins that tumbled out and drove off.


January 11, 2022 - Community Paper
Glenelg, Maryland is such a small community, I was surprised that they had a community paper. I asked one old-timer about it.

He replied, "We all know what everybody else is doing, but we like to read the paper anyway to see who's been caught at it."


January 10, 1007 - Oil on Fish
Students at school were asked to write about the harmful effects of oil on fish.

One 11-year old wrote, "When my mom opened a tin of sardines last night it was full of oil and all the sardines were dead."


January 9, 2022 - Bicycle Accidents
In the early 1990's, when I was stationed at Caserma Carlo Ederle in Italy, it was very common to see soldiers riding bicycles back and forth to work.

So it came as no big surprise that, after a series of painfully comic accidents, a new policy was announced, saying in summary, "Soldiers shall no longer salute officers who are engaged in the riding of a bicycle."


January 8, 2022 - Are You The Defendant?
The judge read the charges, then asked, "Are you the defendant in this case?"
"No sir, your honor, sir," replied Bob, "I've got a lawyer to do the defendin'. I'm the guy who done it."


January 5, 2022 - Your Cat's New Year's Resolutions
I will not slurp fish food from the surface of the aquarium

I will not lean way over to drink out of the tub, fall in, and then pelt right for the box of clumping cat litter. (It took FOREVER to get the stuff out of my fur.)

I cannot leap through closed windows to catch birds outside. If I forget this and bonk my head on the window and fall behind the couch in my attempt, I will not get up and do the same thing again.

If I bite the cactus, it will bite back.

When it rains, it will be raining on all sides of the house.

I will not swat my human's head repeatedly when they are on the family room floor trying to do sit ups.

Computer and TV screens do not exist to backlight my lovely tail.

I will not drag dirty socks onto the bed at night and then yell at the top of my lungs so that my humans can admire my "kill."

I will not perch on my human's chest in the middle of the night and stare until they wake up.


January 4, 2022 - Zoo Thank You
As a volunteer who conducts educational tours of the Zoo, Sally occasionally receives thank you notes from members of school groups.

One of her favorites said: "Dear Sally, I am a third grader. I loved all the animals in the zoo. You were the best of all."


January 3, 2022 - Golf Survey
My job as a land surveyor took me to a golf course that was expanding from 9 holes to 18 holes.
Using a machete to clear thick brush in an area I was mapping, I came upon a golf club that an irate player must have tossed away. It was in good condition, so I picked it up and continued on.

When I broke out of the brush onto a putting green, two golfers stared at me in awe. I had a machete in one hand, a golf club in the other, and behind me was a clear-cut swath leading out of the woods.
a
"There," said one of the golfers, "is a guy who hates to lose his ball!"


January 2, 2022 - Monitors
I sell new and used computers for a living. At an exhibit and sale, I decided to give away an old 13-inch monitor that I had lying around. My neighbor came by and said, "You're giving this away? I'll take it!" Then she noticed a 15-inch monitor at the end of my table. "How much for that one?"
She asked.
I told her it was $75. She looked down at her free monitor, thought for a moment and asked, "Do you take trade-ins?"


January 1, 2022 - Naturally Born
An eighth grade teacher was leading a discussion on the qualifications for being president of the United States.
After the teacher commented that a person must be a natural-born citizen, one of the students raised her hand.

"Does that mean that if you were born by Caesarean section that you can't be president?"