Good, Clean Jokes and Funny Stories


Good, Clean Jokes and Funny Stories


While the Bible isn't a joke book, it is obvious that humor played an important role in Hebrew culture. When drought hit Jacob's world he turned to his sons and said, "Why are you staring at one another...Go down [to Egypt] and buy some for us" (Gen 42:1-2). I also hear humor in some of Jesus' remarks, like when He renamed James and John the "sons of thunder" or when He said the Pharisees where like whitewashed tombs, full of dead men's bones (Matt 23). I think we need the picture of Jesus laughing and enjoying people. In fact, while Jesus indeed had many hard things to say, He was also full of emotion, joy and celebration. Even as He rebuked the Pharisees, we see a glimpse of His demeanor in ministry when He scolded them saying, "We played the flute for you, but you would not dance" (Matt 11). There was something very non-religious in Jesus that laughter, celebration and humor is part of. Hopefully, these jokes, stories and quips will help make your day more merry as you walk with the Lord Jesus through this world.

Francis

May 2017


Chocolate Laughs - May 31, 2017
*Chocolate is derived from cacao beans. Bean = vegetable. Sugar is derived from either sugar CANE or sugar BEETS. Both are plants, which places them in the vegetable category. Thus, chocolate is a vegetable. To go one step further, chocolate candy bars also contain milk, which is dairy. So candy bars are a health food.

*Chocolate-covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.

*If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly.

*The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in a hot car. The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.

*Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your appetite, and you'll eat less.

*If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is that a balanced diet? Don't they actually counteract each other?

*Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger. Therefore, you need to eat more chocolate.

*Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done.

*A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Now, isn't that handy?

*If you can't eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer. But if you can't eat all your chocolate, what's wrong with you?

*If not for chocolate, there would be no need for control top pantyhose. An entire garment industry would be devastated. You can't let that happen, can you?


Empathy - May 30, 2017
A Sunday school teacher was telling her youngsters about Daniel and the Lion's Den. To illustrate the lesson she had a picture of Daniel standing, brave and confident, with a group of lions around him. Suddenly, one little girl started to cry.

The teacher said, "Don't cry. The lions are not going to eat Daniel."

Holding back sobs and tears the girl said, "That's not what I'm crying about. That little lion, over in the corner, isn't going to get anything to eat."


Swindled - May 29, 2017

A newsboy was standing on the corner with a stack of papers, yelling, "Read all about it.  Fifty people swindled! Fifty people swindled!"

Curious, a man walked over, bought a paper, and checked the front page. Finding nothing, the man said, "There's nothing in here about fifty people being swindled."

The newsboy ignored him and went on, calling out, "Read all about it. Fifty-one people swindled!"


Little Voice - May 26, 2017

A man walks into his doctor's office and says,

"Doctor, I've eaten something that disagrees with me."

A voice from the man's stomach says, "No, you haven't."


Subjectivity - May 25, 2017
My daughter was coming home from work late one night, when she came across a huge building fire. As she was stuck in traffic, she thought to herself, "I must be a half a mile away from the fire, and I can feel the heat from here!"

Then she realized, she had the heater on full blast.


Tough Hunting Call - May 24, 2017
A group of friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day.

That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.

"Where's Henry?"

"Henry broke his leg really badly. He's a couple of miles back up the trail."

"You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back!?!"

"A tough call," nodded the hunter, "but I figured no one is going to steal Henry!"


You Know You're In Trouble When ... - May 23, 2017
Your accountant's letter of resignation is postmarked Zurich.

Your suggestion box starts ticking.

You make more than you ever made, owe more than you ever owed, and have less than you've ever had.

The simple instructions enclosed aren't.

People send your wife sympathy cards on your anniversary.

The plumber floats by on your kitchen table.

Your secretary tells you the FBI is on line 1, the District Attorney is on line 2, and CBS is on line 3.


Bovine Delivery - May 22, 2017
What do you call a cow that just gave birth?

De-CALF-inated.


Teacher Parents - May 19, 2017
My wife and I are teachers, and our jobs often spill over into our family life. One morning as our eight-year-old Maggie was getting ready for school, I peeked into her room to be sure she had tidied it up.

"You call THAT a made bed?" I asked.

No Dad," Maggie replied. "It's just a rough draft."


Race Horses In A Stable - May 18, 2017
Some race horses are staying in a stable when one of them starts to boast about his track record: "In the last 15 races, I've won 8 of them!"

Another horse breaks in, "Well in the last 27 races, I've won 19!!"

"Oh that's good, but in the last 36 races, I've won 28!", says another, flicking his tail.

At this point, they notice that a greyhound dog has been sitting there listening. "I don't mean to boast," says the greyhound, "but in my last 90 races, I've won 88 of them!"

The horses are clearly amazed. "Wow!" says one, after a hushed silence. "A talking dog."


End Nail Biting - May 17, 2017
Two elderly women were fussing about their husbands over tea one day.

"I do wish my Leroy would stop biting his nails. That habit really bothers me!" the first one said.

"Oh, my Elmer used to do the same thing," the other woman commented, "but I broke him of that habit real quick."

"What did you do?"

"I hid his teeth!"


Healthy Eating - May 16, 2017
I am going to be healthy if it kills me.


Work Problems - May 15, 2017
The boss ordered one of his men to dig a hole eight feet deep. After the job was completed the boss returned and explained an error had been made and the hole wouldn't be needed.

"Fill 'er up," he ordered.

The worker did as he'd been told. But he ran into a problem. He couldn't get all the dirt packed back into the hole without leaving a mound on top. He went to the office and explained his problem.

The boss snorted, "Honestly! The kind of help you get these days! There's obviously only one thing to do. You'll have to dig that hole deeper!"


Family Secrets - May 12, 2017
The Smith's were proud of their family tradition; their ancestors had come to America on the Mayflower and also included many Senators and Wall Street wizards.

When they decided to compile a family history as a legacy reminder for their children and grandchildren they hired a fine author. Only one problem arose and that was how to handle that great-uncle George, who was executed in the electric chair.

The author said he could handle the story tactfully.

The book appeared. It said "Great-uncle George occupied a chair of applied electronics at an important government institution, was attached to his position by the strongest of ties, and his death came as a great shock."


Eye Problems - May 11, 2017
"Doctor!" whined the patient. "I keep seeing spots before my eyes."

The physician scratched his head, "Why have you come to me? Have you seen an ophthalmologist?"

"No," replied the patient, "just spots."


Telemarketers - May 10, 2017
If you answer the phone and say, "Hello, you're on the air" most telemarketers will hang up quickly.


Christianity, Faith, Righteousness - May 9, 2017
A preacher and the president of a soap manufacturing company went for a walk together.

The president said, "What good is Christianity? Look at all the trouble and misery of the world! Still there, even after years, thousands of years, of teaching about goodness and truth and love and peace. Still there, after all the sermons and teachings. If Christianity is good and true, why should this be?"

The preacher said nothing. They continued walking until he noticed a child playing in the gutter.

Then the preacher said, "Look at that child. You say that soap makes people clean, but see the dirt on that youngster. Of what good is soap? With all the soap in the world, over all these years, the child is still filthy. I wonder how effective soap is, after all!"

The president of the soap company protested, "But preacher, soap cannot do any good unless it is used!"

"Exactly," replied the preacher. "Exactly."


Wills Explained - May 8, 2017
I was in my wills and trusts course when the professor posed this question to the students:

"Why do people choose to have their children, rather than their siblings, inherit their estate?"

After students offered various theories, one fellow raised his hand.

"This may be a bit off the point," he said, "but when I was little, after my brother and sister finished playing with me, they would put me into a drawer."


Google - May 5, 2017
I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been Googling my name on her computer; I saw it through my binoculars last night.


Christening Ink - May 4, 2017
"Traditional christening services are being replaced by ceremonies where the newborn's name will be tattooed on some part of one or both parents' anatomy.

Their choice of decorative script is, as one archbishop observed, the closest some of these people will ever get to a font."


Marriage, Compatibility - May 3, 2017
A fellow asked his friend why he never married.

The friend replied, "Well, I guess I just never met the right woman; I guess I've been looking for the perfect girl."

"Oh, come on now," said the fellow. "Surely you have met at least one girl that you wanted to marry."

"Yes, there was a girl... once. I guess she was the one perfect girl; the only perfect girl I really ever met. She was just the right everything. I really mean that she was the perfect girl for me."

"Well, why didn't you marry her," asked the fellow.

"Because she was looking for the perfect man."


Signs Your Garage Needs To Be Cleaned - May 2, 2017

- It just entered itself in the heavyweight division on BattleBots.

- I don't care what mortgage company you use, they're not going to ask for paycheck stubs from anything earlier than the Eisenhower administration.

- Environmentalists picket in your driveway to save the old-growth cobwebs.

- You have 12 leaf rakes with a total of 19 tines.

- Your missing son emerges twelve years after disappearing, with a tale of being raised by boxes and old exercise equipment.

- Cockroaches won't go in there without 12 pairs of tiny rubber gloves on.

- "Antiques Roadshow" holds a live broadcast from your driveway.


Seabird Sausage - May 1, 2017
Never thought my butcher would turn a sea bird into sausage: but then he took a tern for the wurst.